2x17 - Dead Uncles and Vegetables


TŪtulo em PortuguÍs: Tios e Legumes
Roteiro: Daniel Palladino
DireÁ„o: Jamie Babbit
Originalmente exibido em 16 de abril de 2002



OPEN AT LORELAIíS HOUSE

[The phone is ringing. Lorelai rushes down the steps to answer it, but the machine picks up before she can get it.]

LORELAI: [on answering machine] Hey, weíre not in, so Ė ah, bashed my thumb! Leave a message.

EMILY: I am so tired of this ridiculous machine. I get it every time I call. . .

LORELAI: Oh, that was close.

EMILY: You are Rory are always out. What is it that you do? Is your house that awful you canít be in it? Itís too much excitement, if you ask me. . .

LORELAI: Well, what isnít in Emilyís rules of conduct?

EMILY: I donít want to talk to a machine, Iíll just call you later. [hangs up]

LORELAI: If you had your way, Mother, youíd lock us up like veal. Thatís what she wants, veal children.

[phone rings again]

LORELAI: [on answering machine] Hey, weíre not in, so Ė ah, bashed my thumb! Leave a message.

EMILY: Itís me again. Listen. . .

LORELAI: Youíre talking into the machine.

EMILY: Donít forget that my DAR meeting is on Tuesday. Please. . .

LORELAI: Itís burned into my brain. Itís there forever.

EMILY: . . . itís at three oíclock and all the women are all extremely punctual.

LORELAI: When Iím senile and ga-ga and drooling into a cup, and yet I canít remember my name, Iíll still remember that your DAR meeting is that Tuesday.

EMILY: . . . this Tuesday. Iíll talk to you about some other things later. [hangs up]

LORELAI: Iím gonna have to be de-programmed by cult de-programmers to get that Tuesday out of my brain.

[phone rings again]

LORELAI: [on answering machine] Hey, weíre not in, so Ė ah, bashed my thumb! Leave a message.

EMILY: Your phone message is annoying. . .

LORELAI: Unbelievable.

EMILY: Do you know how annoying it is?

LORELAI: I think I have a standard against which to measure it.

EMILY: . . .to it yourself. Have you heard it lately?

LORELAI: I canít because Iím amputating my ears.

EMILY: . . .and that thumb bashing thing, is that a joke? Why is it that your jokes are always. . .

LORELAI: Ah, an earless world, what a dream!

[opening credits]

CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN

[In the dining room, Emily is sitting at a table tasting soups as Lorelai and Sookie stand by watching.]

LORELAI: Havenít you already tasted that one, Mom?

EMILY: Mm.

LORELAI: Twice, youíve tasted that soup twice.

EMILY: Youíre keeping a running count?

LORELAI: Iím morbidly fascinated.

EMILY: Well, Lorelai, when youíre tasting anything, the first taste acclimates the palate, the second establishes the foundation, and the third is to make your decision.

LORELAI: Oh, thereís going to be a third taste.

EMILY: Isnít that what this is for Ė to taste the soups?

LORELAI: Taste them, yes, not to orally deduce their chemical structures.

EMILY: Everything has to be at your pace.

LORELAI: Or at a pace that canít be measured by the number of times the earth circles the sun.

SOOKIE: You know, actually, Iíve heard that.

LORELAI: What?

SOOKIE: One is to acclimate, two is for foundation, and three to judge.

LORELAI: Traitor.

EMILY: The women in my DAR group are very picky. My God, when the pate at the meeting Heddy Cubbington organized was slightly less chilled than appropriate, she was ostracized for a month.

LORELAI: Well, that hussy Heddy had it coming.

EMILY: Lorelai.

LORELAI: [to employee] Oh, gosh, theyíre on time for once, good. Hey, do me a favor and, uh, tell Michel that on Wednesday. . .

EMILY: Lorelai, please.

LORELAI: Thanks. Um, Mom, I got a lot of other things happening here that canít come to a grinding halt for this.

EMILY: So your full attention for a short period is too much to ask for?

LORELAI: Mom, Iím already giving you more attention than I would someone in these circumstances. No one else would get eight separate soups to taste for a lousy DAR. . .sorry, a not lousy DAR meeting. We only do this for weddings.

EMILY: Well, would you like me to pay for the tasting?

LORELAI: No, Mom, just decide in this calendar year.

SOOKIE: Hey, can I. . .Iím sorry. The mushroom is a great choice. Itís super popular, and itís my Jacksonís favorite.

EMILY: Whose?

SOOKIE: Jackson, my fiancé.

EMILY: Oh, youíre getting married?

SOOKIE: To the best man in the world.

LORELAI: Oh hey, while weíre on the subject, um, bridesmaids outfits?

SOOKIE: Ooh, Iím way ahead of you. Iíve already got a couple of ideas.

LORELAI: Is one of them having me design and make them so I donít secretly hate what you pick and then harbor a secret grudge against you for the rest of our lives?

SOOKIE: It is now.

LORELAI: Iíll do it!

SOOKIE: Weíre a good team.

MICHEL: That fellowís on the phone from the restaurant.

LORELAI: Who?

MICHEL: The flannel man with the protruding ankles.

LORELAI: Oh, Luke?

MICHEL: I forgot his name from the desk to here, thatís how memorable he is.

LORELAI: Okay, thank you.

EMILY: Where are you going?

LORELAI: Oh, to talk to Luke.

EMILY: Canít you call him back?

LORELAI: Have your third taste, Mom. [leaves]

EMILY: Lorelai! Is she always this scattered?

SOOKIE: Sheís the stablest person I know.

EMILY: Thatís very sad. Well, I think youíre right, mushroom.

SOOKIE: Great.

EMILY: So, tell me more about your wedding.

SOOKIE: Oh, Iíve just started planning so thereís not that much to tell.

EMILY: Well, have you decided on anything yet? The location or the music for the ceremony, maybe?

SOOKIE: Oh, weíll probably just, you know, wind up playing something off a CD.

EMILY: Oh.

SOOKIE: What?

EMILY: Well, CDís can be very unreliable. They break sometimes, or they skip, or the person assigned to turn them on and off gets distracted and the whole ceremony is ruined.

SOOKIE: I hadnít thought of that.

EMILY: Have you thought about live music?

SOOKIE: Well. . .

EMILY: A nice string ensemble.

SOOKIE: Ooh, that sounds nice.

EMILY: There are a couple of wonderful groups I could recommend.

SOOKIE: Sure. I mean, I guess it doesnít hurt to check Ďem out.

EMILY: No, it doesnít. Mushroom soup.

SOOKIE: String quartet.

CUT TO FRONT DESK

[Lorelai walks over and picks up the phone]

LORELAI: Luke?

LUKE: Yeah, hi.

LORELAI: Hello.

LUKE: Howís it going?

LORELAI: Pretty good, pretty good. Howís things with you?

LUKE: Oh, not bad. Dropped some eggs.

LORELAI: Bummer.

LUKE: Hazard of the business. Am I catching you at a bad time?

LORELAI: Oh, no, itís kind of slow here. So slow, in fact, that Michel and I were about to get the tetherball out.

LUKE: Thatís the thing with a ball tethered to a rope?

LORELAI: Hey, I never knew thatís where the tether comes from.

LUKE: Yeah, itís tethered. Itís tied, like an anchor is tethered to a rope on a boat.

LORELAI: Neat, neat.

LUKE: Yeah, most people probably donít put that together.

LORELAI: Probably not.

LUKE: Yeah.

LORELAI: So, anything else?

LUKE: Uh, yeah, actually Ė if I needed a room or two for a couple of days, would that be possible?

LORELAI: You need rooms?

LUKE: Like nine.

LORELAI: You need nine rooms?

LUKE: Just for a couple of days, Wednesday and Thursday.

LORELAI: Uh, well, I can take care of that. Whatís it for?

LUKE: Uh, just got some family coming in.

LORELAI: Reunion? ĎCause we can get the tetherball out.

LUKE: Nah, funeral.

LORELAI: What?

LUKE: Yeah, my Uncle Louie died last night and Iím arranging the funeral for him.

LORELAI: Oh, Luke, Iím so sorry. Here I was babbling about tetherball.

LUKE: And you werenít babbling.

LORELAI: Well, youíve got nine rooms, Wednesday and Thursday.

LUKE: You sure?

LORELAI: Itís a done deal.

LUKE: Thanks.

LORELAI: Luke, Iím so, so sorry.

LUKE: Itís okay. It sounds like he went peaceful. He was eighty-five.

LORELAI: But itís always hard. Um, are you okay?

LUKE: Yeah, Iím okay.

LORELAI: Can I help you with anything else?

LUKE: No, the rooms are help enough.

LORELAI: Are you sure, Ďcause Iím dealing with my mom now and Iíd be happy to rush over and help with whatever. Youíd be doing me a favor.

LUKE: The rooms are all I need, thanks.

LORELAI: Youíre welcome.

LUKE: Well, I gotta go.

LORELAI: Call if you need anything.

LUKE: I will. By the way, that French guyís a putz.

LORELAI: Oh yeah, he knows.

LUKE: All right, see ya.

LORELAI: Bye.

CUT TO SIDEWALK

[Lorelai and Rory are walking down the street towards the diner]

RORY: Itís so sad.

LORELAI: I know.

RORY: Was Luke, like, shaken over his uncle dying?

LORELAI: I donít know. Heís so unflappable. Itís hard to tell.

RORY: The man definitely canít be flapped.

CUT TO INSIDE LUKEíS DINER

[Lorelai and Rory walk through the door. Luke is on the phone while several customers try to get his attention.]

WOMAN: Can I get another cup of coffee?

LUKE: In a minute.

SY: Hey, is that my food?

MAN: More coffee here, too, please.

LUKE: In a minute.

SY: Is that my food?

KIRK: More coffee for me, too.

LUKE: Shut up, Kirk.

SY: Is that my food?

LUKE: Yes, Sy, thatís your food.

SY: Well, can I have it?

LUKE: Iím doing all I can here, folks.

KIRK: I asked nicely.

MAN: Hey, hey, watch the cord!

LUKE: Try ducking.

KIRK: You should update to a cordless.

LORELAI: Hey, whatcha doing? Watch, watch it.

LUKE: Ah, buh buh buh. . .thanks, thanks, Iím on the phone.

LORELAI: We noticed.

LUKE: Yeah, I canít serve and be on the phone.

RORY: We noticed that, too.

LORELAI: But your reenactment of Jerry Lewis in The Diner Guy is gonna wow the critics.

RORY: Where should the poached eggs go?

LUKE: Crank in the hat.

SY: Hey, Iím not a crank! Youíre a crank, crank!

RORY: He is a crank.

LORELAI: And the French toast?

LUKE: Lady with the giant purse. Ah, yup.

MAN: This is not good.

LORELAI: Hey, fall back cowboy.

LUKE: Yo, whoa, whoa, whoa Ė what are you doing?

LORELAI: Come here. Just stay on the phone and give me these. Where do they go?

LUKE: Table by the window.

LORELAI: Donít you number your tables?

LUKE: No.

LORELAI: You should number your tables.

LUKE: What good would that do? If I said a number, you wouldnít know what table was what number.

LORELAI: But all restaurants number their table. You should number your tables.

LUKE: Table five, they go to table five.

LORELAI: Cool. Which one is that?

LUKE: Table by the window.

LORELAI: By the window, Elma.

RORY: Got it, Gertie.

KIRK: Hello? How 'bout that coffee?

LORELAI: I got it.

LUKE: Thanks.

KIRK: But, but Ė mine's a quarter caf.

LORELAI: Huh?

KIRK: Three-fourths decaf, one-fourth caffeinated.

LORELAI: I four-fourths don't care.

KIRK: Fill it up.

LUKE: Sorry about this.

LORELAI: It's okay.

LUKE: Sometimes you get the worldís full of people who micromanage their lives to the point where they can't wait an extra second for anything.

LORELAI: We're running out of coffee.

LUKE: I'll make some more.

LORELAI: No, I got it.

LUKE: Do you know how?

LORELAI: Do I . . . ugh. . .I am Cathy Coffee, mister, the bastard offspring of Mrs. Folger and Juan Valdez.

RORY: Hey Luke, where's Jess?

LUKE: I don't know.

RORY: School?

LUKE: Please. Heís probably upstairs.

RORY: Really? Excuse me.

LUKE: It's too strong.

LORELAI: No, it's not.

LUKE: No, it's too strong.

LORELAI: You're on the phone.

LUKE: Not everybody likes it that strong.

LORELAI: Well, then I shall convert them. I am the Jehovah's coffee girl.

CUT TO UPSTAIRS

[Rory knocks on Lukeís apartment door]

RORY: Jess, open up! I know you're in there.

JESS: My, aren't we bright eyed and bushy tailed.

RORY: Luke needs you downstairs.

JESS: Why?

RORY: Because he's on the phone with someone and Caesar's off today and the place is packed and he needs help.

JESS: I'll be down in a minute.

RORY: No, now.

JESS: I'm in the middle of something.

RORY: Just assume that Jeannieís gonna get Major Healey out of whatever scrape he's in.

JESS: Gee, thanks for spoiling it for me.

CUT TO THE DINER

KIRK: I need some more Equal.

LORELAI: Thereís one right there.

KIRK: I need seven

LORELAI: Seven? Youíre not squirreling these away in your pocket for home use, are you, Kirk?

KIRK: No, I use seven in my coffee.

LORELAI: Okay, good, then allow me. [pours seven Equals into his cup] There you go. Go ahead and give that a taste, see if itís to your liking.

KIRK: Okay. [takes sip] Perfection.

LORELAI: Good.

[Jess stumbles into the diner, followed by Rory]

LORELAI: Well, youíre very graceful.

JESS: She pushed me.

RORY: Sue me.

JESS: I couldíve broken my neck.

RORY: As long as itís not your arm. We need your arm.

JESS: Despot.

LUKE: Took me twenty minutes to get pass this placeís stupid busy signal, then they put me on hold forever.

LORELAI: Whoís keeping you on hold?

LUKE: That mortuary in Florida where my uncleís at.

LORELAI: Florida? I thought he was in the area.

LUKE: No no, he spent most of his life here but retired to Orlando, so I gotta ship the body back here.

LORELAI: Aw, he wanted to be buried in Stars Hollow?

LUKE: Nah, my dad wanted my uncle buried in Stars Hollow right next to him.

LORELAI: Thatís nice.

LUKE: Well, they were really close, and Louie didnít have any wife or kids to look out for things and before my dad died, he asked me if Iíd look out for him.

LORELAI: For Louie?

LUKE: Yeah, he just wanted me to make sure he got a proper funeral. You know, respectful, dignified.

LORELAI: No horseshoe carnation wreaths, got it. Good man, that dad of yours.

LUKE: And since Louieís a war veteran, the town Revolutionary War reenactors will attend the service, do the salute thing, you know. I mean, it makes me nauseous, but my dad wanted it. [on phone] Yeah, hi, Iím still here. . .Yes, the deceased is Louie Danes. . .Right. . .No, Hartfordís not too far, I can do that. Thanks. [hangs up] Great, thatís done. Uh, okay, I should probably go pick out a coffin before he gets here.

LORELAI: Great, go.

LUKE: I have to close up.

LORELAI: No, you donít. Youíre covered.

LUKE: You donít have to do this.

LORELAI: We donít mind. Go. Itíll give me a chance to number all the tables.

LUKE: Be my guest.

LORELAI: Also, are they arranged like this for any particular reason?

LUKE: Donít change anything.

LORELAI: Itís totally not feng shui.

LUKE: Gertie.

LORELAI: Go.

CUT TO DOOSEíS MARKET

[A customer walks up to Taylor]

MRS. CASSINI: Excuse me, Taylor, where are your Brussels sprouts?

TAYLOR: My supplier was out of them this week, Mrs. Cassini. Maybe next week.

MRS. CASSINI: Oh, I wanted to make them tonight.

TAYLOR: Sorry.

MRS. CASSINI: Okay, Iíll just try across the street. Thank you.

TAYLOR: Youíre welcome. Across the street? [goes outside] What is that?

MRS. CASSINI: Itís a farmerís market. Isnít it wonderful? It just opened this morning and. . .I see sprouts!

[Taylor walks over to the farmerís market]

TAYLOR: Whoís the proprietor here?

PROPRIETOR: That would be me. What can I do for you?

TAYLOR: Wait a minute, I know you. Youíre that long-haired freak that wanted to be town troubadour even though that weird brown-corduroy-jacket-wearing freak was already it.

PROPRIETOR: Thatís right, good memory! How are ya? [hugs him]

TAYLOR: Let go of me!

PROPRIETOR: Donít like to be touched, thatís cool. Got a little David and Lisa thing happening? Made a mental note, no problem. Can I help you find something?

TAYLOR: I just want to know what inspired you to open a produce stand right across the street from my market.

PROPRIETOR: Oh, is that your market?

TAYLOR: Yes, thatís my market.

PROPRIETOR: Well, itís real nice, homey. Bought a box of tissues there Ė good stuff, good stuff.

MISS PATTY: Excuse me? Your parsley Ė is it priced per bunch or per pound?

PROPRIETOR: Per pound, beautiful.

MISS PATTY: Mmm, good deal.

TAYLOR: Patty!

MISS PATTY: Oh, hi Taylor, how are you?

TAYLOR: You mean not counting the knife sticking in my back?

MISS PATTY: Oh, sure honey, whatever.

TAYLOR: There must be some mistake Ė this just isnít right.

PROPRIETOR: Itís all approved by the proper authorities. I followed the rules, itís what my father taught me. Cop for twenty years, got shot in the butt. Good man Ė tips over sometimes when he sits Ė but good man.

MRS. CASSINI: Beautiful sprouts.

PROPRIETOR: For a beautiful lady.

MRS. CASSINI: Thank you.

TAYLOR: I feel sick.

PROPRIETOR: Thatíll be four dollars. See ya, Mr. Doose.

TAYLOR: I wanna lie down.

CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN

[Michel is at the front desk as Lorelai walks over]

MICHEL: Ah, Lorelai, good Ė tell me about the nine rooms set aside here. Thereís no name anywhere that I can see, and no credit card to hold them. Mistake?

LORELAI: No, itís for Luke.

MICHEL: For who?

LORELAI: Luke from Lukeís Diner.

MICHEL: Nine rooms for Luke from Lukeís Diner?

LORELAI: Thatís right.

MICHEL: French fry convention?

LORELAI: No, just personal.

MICHEL: Milkshake symposium?

LORELAI: No Michel, itís something personal and Iím vouching for him.

MICHEL: Soda pop seminar?

LORELAI: Stop!

MICHEL: Pickle party?

LORELAI: Heís got nine rooms, now stifle.

[Lorelai walks away as Emily enters the inn]

LORELAI: Oh, Mom, hi there.

EMILY: Lorelai, hello.

LORELAI: Iím sorry, did we get our signals crossed? I donít remember making an appointment with you.

EMILY: We have to make appointments to see each other?

LORELAI: No, but Ė good one.

EMILY: Iím not here to see you.

LORELAI: Oh, this isnít about the DAR meeting?

EMILY: No, thatís all ready to go. Iím here to meet with Sookie.

LORELAI: Sookie?

EMILY: Iím a little late, traffic was awful. Excuse me, would you?

CUT TO DINING ROOM

[The tables are set with fancy place settings and flowers.]

LORELAI: Oh my God.

SOOKIE: Arenít they beautiful?

LORELAI: Gorgeous. What are they for?

SOOKIE: My wedding.

LORELAI: Your wedding?

SOOKIE: Emily, hi!

EMILY: Well, is this everything I said it was?

SOOKIE: And more.

LORELAI: What do you mean theyíre for your wedding?

SOOKIE: Oh, itís this companyís sample place setting. Emily set me up with them. They did Celine Dionís wedding, and Steven Spielbergís daughterís Jack Russell Terrierís Bark Mitzvah.

LORELAI: Youíre putting me on.

SOOKIE: I couldnít make that up.

EMILY: Excuse me, this oneís slightly asymmetrical. Fix these.

LORELAI: Hey, um, what is with the fancy place settings? I thought you were just gonna keep it simple.

SOOKIE: It is simple.

LORELAI: It lights up.

SOOKIE: Just flip a switch, simple.

LORELAI: Tell me how my mother got so involved in all of this.

SOOKIE: Sheís not that involved. She just mentioned the other day when she was here that she knew some people that could make some samples of stuff for us, like table settings and flower arrangements.

LORELAI: But we were gonna do the flowers ourselves.

SOOKIE: I know, but what a hassle that would be.

LORELAI: Itís to save money Ė flowers cost a fortune.

SOOKIE: Yeah, but, the sampling of Ė what theyíre doing today Ė itís free. Iím not committed to any of this.

LORELAI: I hope not.

SOOKIE: Itís true Ė I say no, it all goes away. Not a penny is spent.

LORELAI: Okay.

SOOKIE: And itís fun.

LORELAI: I donít wanna take away your fun, I just want you to be careful. See, youíve entered Emilyland.

SOOKIE: Emilyland?

LORELAI: Itís an upside down world where the Horchow House is considered low-rent and diamonds less than twenty-four carats are Cracker Jack trinkets and Bentleys are for losers who canít afford a Rolls.

SOOKIE: But Iím okay, really.

LORELAI: All right. I have to help Luke with the lunch rush today, so I gotta go.

SOOKIE: Go, weíre fine.

LORELAI: Okay. Bye Mom.

EMILY: [picks up a glass] Is that a fingerprint? My God, thatís a fingerprint! Who touched this? Let me see your hands!

CUT TO LUKEíS DINER

[Taylor is sitting at a table mumbling to himself as Rory walks by]

TAYLOR: Turnips, turnips, turnips. . .

RORY: What?

TAYLOR: Huh?

RORY: What about turnips?

TAYLOR: Why did you say turnips?

RORY: Because you said turnips.

TAYLOR: No, I didnít.

RORY: I think you did.

TAYLOR: Nope.

RORY: Okay.

TAYLOR: But Iíve got turnips Ė good ones, too. Theyíre not as big as that crinite freakís turnips, but who needs bloated turnips? Mine are unassuming. I have nice, humble turnips.

RORY: Okie dokie. [walks to the counter] Taylorís wigging.

LORELAI: I know. Heís been sitting there like the final days of Dick Nixon for almost an hour.

RORY: Keep an eye on him.

[a customer walks in and sits at the counter]

LORELAI: Hello there, howís it going?

CUSTOMER: Very good, young lady. Youíre still serving breakfast?

LORELAI: We serve it all day. Whatíll you have?

CUSTOMER: Two eggs up on toast.

LORELAI: Up, huh?

CUSTOMER: Yup.

LORELAI: Wouldnít you rather have Ďem scrambled?

CUSTOMER: Nope, upís how I like Ďem.

LORELAI: Come on, scrambledís better. Give it a shot. Say you want two scrambled eggs on toast, please?

CUSTOMER: Okay, young lady, two scrambled eggs on toast.

LORELAI: Adam and Eve on a raft and wreck Ďem! Thatís real live diner talk, see? The wreck Ďem is the scrambled part.

CUSTOMER: I deduced that.

TAYLOR: I donít believe it, I donít believe it!

LORELAI: Whatís the matter?

TAYLOR: Thatís Babette with an armload of rutabagas, and thereís Miss Patty again Ė since when does she eat so much fruit?

[Kirk enters the diner]

LORELAI: Hey Kirk.

KIRK: Hello. Whereís Luke?

LORELAI: Oh, heís busy with some stuff so Rory and I are helping out. What can I get you?

KIRK: I donít know. I want lunch, but Iím not sure what to get.

LORELAI: I have a suggestion. How about a hamburger with some strawberry ice cream with chocolate sauce for dessert?

KIRK: Sounds good.

LORELAI: Yo, burn one, then pass me a pink stick and throw some mud on it! God, I love this business.

[The proprietor of the farmerís market enters the diner]

PROPRIETOR: Boy, itís freezing out there.

LORELAI: Yes, itís quite a cold snap. How Ďbout a hot blonde with sand?

PROPRIETOR: Coffee with cream and sugar would be great, thanks. Make sure itsí footís out the door.

LORELAI: Put it in a cup to go, got it.

PROPRIETOR: This icy weather hasnít kept customers away, though. They just keep coming. A lot of vegetable soup being eaten tonight, yesiree. Hope I donít put the good people at Campbellís out of business. Oh, hey Taylor. Didnít notice you there.

TAYLOR: Hello.

PROPRIETOR: Taking a little break? I donít see how if youíre anywhere near as busy as I am. Keep waiting for a lull, I never get one. I say to the people, Ďhey, Iíll be back in a jifí and theyíre Ė look at Ďem Ė theyíre lining up out there already.

TAYLOR: Well, FYI, Van Halen hair, Iím plenty busy, but a good well-groomed businessman with properly prepared staff can take a break now and then.

KIRK: It probably helped that your store was completely dead, too.

TAYLOR: It was not dead.

KIRK: I thought it was closed when I walked by, but then I saw Gabby sitting at the cash register reading a tabloid.

TAYLOR: Shut up, Kirk.

KIRK: Tapping on the counter with one of those little astrological scrolls.

TAYLOR: Enough.

LORELAI: Here you go.

PROPRIETOR: Gracias. Oh boy, itís a mob scene. [leaves]

CUT TO UPSTAIRS

[Lorelai knocks on Lukeís apartment door]

LORELAI: Luke, itís me.

[Luke opens the door]

LORELAI: Hey. I brought you a wimpy with a rose pinned on it.

LUKE: A what?

LORELAI: Turkey burger with onions.

LUKE: Oh, thanks. Come on in.

LORELAI: Howís the money pit coming?

LUKE: Oh, just uh. . .thatís it.

LORELAI: Whatís the matter?

LUKE: Nothing. None of them are coming Ė not a one.

LORELAI: Who?

LUKE: My relatives Ė the ones I booked all the rooms for Ė not one is coming to Louieís funeral.

LORELAI: Youíre kidding Ė why?

LUKE: I donít know, which lame-o excuse do you wanna hear first? A bunch of Ďem claimed they canít get outta work.

LORELAI: Itís not so lame-o.

LUKE: Randy and Barbara donít wanna miss their brat kidís rugby semifinal.

LORELAI: Rugby has semifinals?

LUKE: My sister never even called back. My cousins Paul and Jim, who my dad helped put through college, said they were too exhausted from a fishing trip. And slightly disturbed cousin Franny said she canít leave because her Peteyís sick.

LORELAI: Son?

LUKE: Parrot.

LORELAI: Petey the parrot?

LUKE: I saw the stupid thing once on a visit, flapping its wings like crazy, banging around, squawking the only two words it knows over and over Ė Petey and gorgeous. Gorgeous, Petey, gorgeous, Petey!

LORELAI: Thatís disturbing.

LUKE: My familyís disturbing.

LORELAI: Iím so sorry.

LUKE: This is wrong, this is not how itís done. A family member dies, you pay your respects Ė period.

LORELAI: Look at it this way Ė if they donít wanna be there, you donít want them there.

LUKE: My dad wanted Ďem to be there.

LORELAI: I know. But hey, Louie lived in Stars Hollow most of his life, so a lot of people from here will be there, right?

LUKE: Right.

LORELAI: I know itís upsetting, but maybe itís better this way.

LUKE: Yeah, I guess. I really hate that bird.

[Rory walks into the apartment]

RORY: Hey Mom?

LORELAI: Whatís up, honey? You got a herd of bulls shopping for China?

LUKE: What?

LORELAI: Customers Ė how long have you owned a diner?

RORY: Sorry. Jacksonís outside, he wants to talk to you, he says itís important.

LORELAI: About what?

RORY: I donít know. He seems upset.

LORELAI: Ah. All right. You okay?

LUKE: Yeah, thanks.

LORELAI: You might wanna study up on that diner talk.

LUKE: Iíll do that tonight.

RORY: Hey Luke, whereís Jess?

LUKE: I donít know, heís probably out playing basketball or something.

RORY: That little punk.

CUT TO DINER

[Lorelai walks down from upstairs and stops at the counter to help a customer]

LORELAI: Oh, hey, uh, can I take your order?

CUSTOMER: Yes, uh, bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich, no mayo.

LORELAI: Yo, uh, I need a piggy piggy with a green bla. . .uh, green bed, green blanket. . . BLT, no mayo! Rats.

CUT TO OUTSIDE

[Lorelai walks out of the diner over to Jackson]

LORELAI: Jackson?

JACKSON: Iím a miserable man.

LORELAI: Whatís up?

JACKSON: Remember that sweet, simple, affordable little wedding Sookie and I agreed on with minimal disagreement Ė no disagreement, in fact Ė perhaps the first time in the history of wedding planning that a couple agreed one hundred percent on everything?

LORELAI: Yes.

JACKSON: Gone. Ancient history. Itís the Library of Alexandria, itís the Colossus of Roads, itís Pop Rocks, itís over, and do you know why?

LORELAI: My mother?

JACKSON: Look! [points to Sookie and Emily near the gazebo]

LORELAI: What are they doing?

JACKSON: Theyíre measuring the town.

LORELAI: Theyíre what?

JACKSON: Theyíre measuring the entire town with tape measures.

LORELAI: Oh my God.

JACKSON: Your mother got hers at Neiman Marcus. Itís platinum with gold leaf Ė it costs more than my car!

LORELAI: I am so sorry.

JACKSON: Look, I love Sookie and I want her to have what she wants, but . . . you see what theyíre doing now?

LORELAI: Yeah.

JACKSON: According to their diagrams, thatís where the sixteen-piece orchestra goes.

LORELAI: How are they gonna fit a sixteen-piece orchestra in the gazebo?

JACKSON: Oh, they wanna move the gazebo.

LORELAI: What?

JACKSON: A gazebo thatís been there for a hundred years and they wanna move it. Who moves a gazebo? What kind of twisted mind even thinks about moving a gazebo?

LORELAI: Okay, Iíll take care of this.

JACKSON: Sheís so excited.

LORELAI: Sheís brainwashed. Sheís Patricia Hearst and my mother is the SLA.

JACKSON: I just hope itís not too late.

LORELAI: I hope so, too.

[Rory walks by, pulling Jess behind her]

JESS: Watch the shirt!

RORY: Cork it!

CUT TO THE DANCE STUDIO

[Taylor is at the podium leading a town meeting]

MISS PATTY: Well, it seems the right thing to do, Taylor.

TAYLOR: I concur. When one gazes at Stars Hollow, one can easily overlook a vital component of its beauty and thatís the humble yet spunky twinkle light.

JESS: Holy cow.

LUKE: It doesnít get fruitier.

TAYLOR: Harryís House of Twinkle Lights has been an integral part of this time for twenty years, so itís only right that we honor his retirement. So I hereby designate next Tuesday, Harry the Twinkle Light Man from Harryís House of Twinkle Lights Day.

JESS: Well, that just trips off the tongue.

[Lorelai and Rory walk in]

TAYLOR: Late again, are we?

LORELAI: Yes, I hope Iím not pregnant!

TAYLOR: What?

LORELAI: Are these seats taken?

LUKE: Donít drag me into this.

TAYLOR: You really have to work on your punctuality, Lorelai. I banged the meeting in a half an hour ago.

LORELAI: Uh, dirty!

TAYLOR: Iím gonna take advantage of this unexpected pause in our proceedings to confer with Miss Patty about the next item on our agenda.

LORELAI: Whatíd we miss?

LUKE: Harryís retiring.

RORY: The twinkle light man?

LORELAI: What do we do for twinkle lights?

LUKE: Go to any discount store?

LORELAI: Blasphemy.

RORY: What are you doing here anyhow? This is a town meeting for people who participate in and care about the town.

JESS: Well, Corkyís Country Cavalcade on public access was pre-empted, so I thought Iíd check out the next best thing.

LORELAI: Iím surprised you have time to be here.

LUKE: I donít, but I havenít been able to get any of the war reenactors on the phone and I have to confirm them for Louieís funeral.

TAYLOR: All right now, the last order of business is a matter relating personally to me, therefore I'm going to give Miss Patty my gavel.

LORELAI: Again, dirty!

TAYLOR: Stop that. Now donít go power mad.

MISS PATTY: Oh, all right, gee. Now the chair recognizes Taylor Doose. Taylor, you have the floor.

TAYLOR: Thank you, Patty. My issue, ladies and gentlemen, is in the form of a grievance against this hirsute hippie who opened a produce stand in the park.

BABETTE: Oh yeah, killer veggies.

SY: Tasty.

MISS PATTY: The squash is beautiful.

BABETTE: Sexy Ė itís sexy squash.

TAYLOR: Sexy or not, I demand that this man produce his permit post haste.

PROPRIETOR: Got it right here.

TAYLOR: Mm hmm, just what I thought. This is not the proper permit for this kind of business. This is a type twenty-four B, otherwise known as a cart, kiosk, cart, kiosk permit. This is not valid for your business.

PROPRIETOR: Whyíd you say it twice?

TAYLOR: Hmm?

BABETTE: You said cart, kiosk, cart, kiosk.

LORELAI: Itís repetitive.

RORY: And redundant.

LORELAI: Itís repetitive.

RORY: And redundant.

LORELAI: We certainly are entertaining, Mac.

RORY: Indubitably, Tosh.

TAYLOR: Itís not redundant. Itís three separate things. Itís a cart, a kiosk, and a mechanical hybrid referred to as a cart-slash-kiosk, hence cart, kiosk, cart/kiosk.

BABETTE: He did it again.

KIRK: Heís been stressed lately. His store is deserted.

TAYLOR: Iíll make it simple. This is for businesses that roll in in the morning and roll out at night. Emphasis on the word roll Ė rolling businesses, businesses that roll.

PROPRIETOR: But I carry my tables out at night.

TAYLOR: But youíre supposed to roll them, Rapunzel, and carrying isnít rolling, is it? I mean, did anyone hear the word rolling come out of his mouth? Check the transcript, I think youíll find one word missing Ė rolling!

MISS PATTY: Transcript?

LORELAI: Yeah, Taylor, this isnít Charlie Rose.

BABETTE: Heís losing his marbles.

ANDREW: Itís just a personal vendetta.

KIRK: His store is deserted.

MISS PATTY: I think that we should end the meeting right here, Taylor.

TAYLOR: Wait a second, wait a second! You there, when Lady Godiva here wanted to be town troubadour over you, I stood by your side. Why arenít you backing me now?

TROUBADOUR: ĎCause you left me twistiní for a long time before you did, Taylor, and it didnít feel good. I even wrote a song about the experience.

LORELAI: Oh, I heard it. Itís called "Taylor Left Me Twistiní."

RORY: Oh yeah, itís really good.

TROUBADOUR: You think? Because Iím having a little trouble with the chorus. Taylor left me twistiní, he set my eyes a mistiní. Iím just not sure if it has that thing, though, you know?

LORELAI: Oh, no, I love that part. I actually thought that maybe at the end you could do more about the sweater. Weíll talk.

MISS PATTY: Iím gonna wrap this up.

TAYLOR: Now, Patty, how would you feel if this guy decided to open the long-haired freak school of dance or the long-haired freak diner, Luke? Or the long-haired freak bookstore? Itís not good, right?

MISS PATTY: All right, everybody who agrees that we would not feel good about that, say aye.

ALL: Aye!

MISS PATTY: Meeting adjourned, goodnight.

LORELAI: Another fun one!

LUKE: Taylor, hold on a sec!

RORY: [to Jess] Donít you have some cleaning up to do over at the diner?

CUT TO OUTSIDE

[As people exit the meeting, Luke runs over to Taylor and the other reenactors]

LUKE: Guys, hold it, come on, you heard me calling you, stop!

TAYLOR: What is it, Luke?

LUKE: What do you mean, what is it? My Uncle Louieís funeral is tomorrow afternoon and I havenít heard from any of you. The man was a World War II veteran, thatís what you reenactor freaks do Ė you go to vetís funerals, so youíre gonna be there, right? Hello?

TAYLOR: You said you were gonna talk to him, Sy.

SY: Bert said he was gonna do it.

BERT: Itís Taylorís job.

SY: You always pass the buck.

LUKE: Talk to me about what, guys?

TAYLOR: You might as well know, Luke. We donít wanna go to Louieís funeral.

LUKE: What?

ANDREW: We all hated Louie.

LUKE: Oh, come on, thatís not true.

TAYLOR: He always had a scowl on his face, not a kind word for anybody. He would light those hideous cigars, blow smoke in peopleís faces and then spit after each puff.

SY: He was disgusting.

ANDREW: And mean.

KIRK: He kicked my dog when I was a kid.

SY: He hit on my wife repeatedly.



KIRK: Toto was always different after that.

SY: My wife was much affected as well.


KIRK: Iíd toss her something to fetch and sheíd start to run after it and halfway there sheíd forget what she was doing.

SY: She never enjoyed her soap operas the same after that.

KIRK: Sheíd just lie down and go to sleep.

LUKE: This is an exaggeration.

BERT: Weíre not exaggerating. We threw a big party when he left town!

SY: I made love to my life that night like I never have.

KIRK: My Toto barked a happy bark, then quietly stopped breathing. She was old.

LUKE: I donít believe this.

ANDREW: Come on, Luke. You knew the guy.

LUKE: This man was my uncle, okay, and a war veteran. He deserves a veteranís funeral, but hey, if you guys are too lazy to show up, then. . .

TAYLOR: Heís the lazy one. Never once did he participate in a town function. In fact, when we reenactors gathered, heíd throw things at us.

SY: And not soft things, hard things.

BERT: Rocks, and small tools.

LUKE: Okay, Iíve heard enough.

SY: And he got meaner as he got older. Never married, never had kids.

BERT: A real loner.

LUKE: To hell with you guys, who needs you! I might just throw rocks and small tools at you myself next time I see ya!

TAYLOR: A defensive hothead, just like Louie!

BERT: Theyíre practically clones.

CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN KITCHEN

[Sookie is sitting in front of a computer and Michel is looking over her shoulder as Lorelai walks in]

SOOKIE: Oh my God, this is so hi-tech.

LORELAI: Hey. Whatís going on?

SOOKIE: Iím downloading wedding stuff from Prague.

LORELAI: Oh, youíre kidding.

SOOKIE: Itís streaming in right now. Thatís Internet talk Ė streaming. Did you know that? And did you know itís not called Czechoslovakia anymore? Itís just Czech Republic. Slovakia is its own separate thing. Itís weird, isnít it? Itís like if we just suddenly started saying thereís no more Connecticut, itís just Connec. . . Ticut.

LORELAI: Sookie, what are you downloading from Prague?

MICHEL: Oh, this will much amuse you.

SOOKIE: Color samples for the big ceramic stands.

LORELAI: Big ceramic stands for what?

SOOKIE: For the giant papier-mâché mushrooms.

LORELAI: What are the papier-mâché mushrooms for?

SOOKIE: For the midgets dressed like angels to dance under, silly.

LORELAI: Oh my God.

SOOKIE: Emily found the best papier-mâché mushroom maker in Paris. Heís much better than the guy that makes them in Belgium Ė what a hack.

LORELAI: Sookie, honey, I need you stop staring and streaming for one second. We need to talk.

MICHEL: Please, please do not talk her out of these things. I do not want to die without seeing midgets dancing with a mushroom.

LORELAI: Stay out of this.

MICHEL: Oh, youíre no fun.

SOOKIE: What is it honey?

LORELAI: The danger of Emilyworld is that you donít always know youíre in it, when actually you are.

SOOKIE: Aw, not this Emilyworld stuff again

LORELAI: Sookie, have you run the numbers on any of this? What is this costing you?

SOOKIE: I donít know the full cost but your mother is getting me fifty percent off everything. She is so connected.

LORELAI: Okay, but fifty percent off a load of money is still half a load of money. You donít have half a load to spend.

SOOKIE: Well, if I scrimp I can afford a quarter load.


LORELAI: Thatís still too much.

SOOKIE: Well, your mother said sheíd chip in a little.

LORELAI: Sookie, that is way, way, way inappropriate.

SOOKIE: I didnít take her up on it but it was nice.

LORELAI: Sookie, this isnít you, the midgets and the mushrooms and God knows what else. And it isnít Jackson either.

SOOKIE: What do you mean?

LORELAI: We talked.

SOOKIE: You and Jackson talked?

LORELAI: Iím sorry but he came to me all upset, and I love you Sookie and I love him too and it just seemed like it was time for me to meddle.

SOOKIE: He was upset?

LORELAI: He was pretty upset.

SOOKIE: Why didnít he just talk to me?

LORELAI: Because heís Jackson, he wants you to be happy and to give you everything you want. So what it comes down to is Ė is this what you want?

SOOKIE: Well, maybe the midgets are a little over the top. And the mushrooms. . . oh my God, itís all sounding so silly now.

LORELAI: Youíre coming out of it, keep going.

SOOKIE: No, no, itís not what I want! We were supposed to keep this nice and simple. God, we had it all worked out.

LORELAI: So go back.

SOOKIE: I will go back. That is, if Jackson still wants to marry me.

LORELAI: Of course he still wants to marry you.

SOOKIE: Iím gonna call him and Iím gonna tell him itís all changing back.

LORELAI: Good.

[Lorelaiís cell phone rings]

SOOKIE: Ooh, I should call and cancel some stuff first. Iíve gotta call Belgium and Oslo and, uh, oh, Copenhagen, Bora Bora.

LORELAI: What did you order from there?

SOOKIE: Iím gonna shield you from that one.

LORELAI: Thanks. [answers phone] Hello?. . .Luke!. . . Slow down, slow down. . . Okay, Iíll come right over. [hangs up] I gotta go. Call, call, and welcome back, friend.

SOOKIE: Thanks. Ooh, Iím gonna start with Hong Kong. Iím hoping those acrobats can get another gig.

CUT TO FUNERAL HOME

[Luke is waiting impatiently near a casket as Lorelai walks in]

LORELAI: There you are. What Ė .

LUKE: It wonít close.

LORELAI: What?

LUKE: The lid.

LORELAI: To what? [sees casket] Oh, hello. . . Louie.

LUKE: Thatís Louie.

LORELAI: Nice tan. So, now, you say the lid wonít close?

LUKE: Yes, the lid wonít close.

LORELAI: Did you buy the right size?

LUKE: Of course I bought the right size.

FUNERAL DIRECTOR: Itís the model we recommend for those of medium height and weight.

LUKE: And heís of medium height and weight.

LORELAI: So then why wonít it close?

LUKE: Because of the stuff.

LORELAI: What stuff?

LUKE: The stuff. He left a list of stuff he wanted buried with him.

FUNERAL DIRECTOR: Itís not uncommon.

LUKE: Itís a very long list. His fishing reel, bowling trophy, a flask, his antique dueling pistols, his copy of Shermanís Memoirs.

LORELAI: So is all the stuff in there now?

LUKE: Yes, it is. I shoved it in the best I could but now it wonít close which defeats the entire purpose of having a damn casket in the first place.

LORELAI: May I?

LUKE: Give it a shot.

[Lorelai tries to push the lid close, but it pops back up]

LORELAI: Whoa!

LUKE: The football signed by Johnny Unitas gives it that bounce.

LORELAI: What if we moved the gas mask and the pith helmet down towards the feet?

LUKE: That end already has every baseball card he ever bought, thousands of them.

LORELAI: Oh, bungee cord! No. Um, what if we got some people from the office here, you know, accounting or whatever, to sit on the lid and then we could latch it? Do you have anybody you could spring. . .hm. Iím out of ideas.

LUKE: So am I. You know what, to hell with this. To hell with this!

LORELAI: Luke, now come on.

LUKE: I canít deal with this anymore!

LORELAI: Well, it has to be dealt with.

LUKE: No, it doesnít. Itís not as if he deserves my help or my respect.

LORELAI: The man was your uncle.

LUKE: He was a jerk!

LORELAI: Donít say that.

LUKE: No, no, Taylor and the guys were right. I was cutting Louie slack out of respect for my dad, but the man was rotten and mean and selfish all his life. For Godís sake, heís even selfish in death. Other people wouldíve loved to have had those baseball cards. I wouldíve loved to have those baseball cards. Heís got Lou Gehrigís rookie card, Joe DiMaggio, Willie Mays, tons of others Ė but no! My uncle, King Tut, has to take all of them to the afterlife with him!

FUNERAL DIRECTOR: Sir, your voice.

LUKE: Iím done, Iíve had it. From now on, itís just the bare minimum and thatís it. Dig a big hole and just dump the casket in unlatched. If stuff falls out, fine. Just pile on enough dirt and make sure nothingís showing! [leaves]

LORELAI: Iím assuming that wouldnít be appropriate either?

FUNERAL DIRECTOR: No.

LORELAI: I didnít think so.

CUT TO LUKEíS DINER

[Jess is walking around the tables refilling coffee]

CUSTOMER: Young man, whereís the young lady weíve heard so much about whoís using those delightful old diner phrases to place peopleís orders? It sounds so fun. Could you point her out for us?

JESS: No. [walks to counter] Thatís everyone. Iíll be upstairs.

RORY: Thanks for doing the very least you could possibly do.

JESS: Youíre welcome.

[Luke enters the diner]

LORELAI: Luke, there you are. I was worried.

LUKE: Yeah, sorry, I shouldíve called. Thanks for covering again. Thisíll be the last time, I promise.

LORELAI: Itís okay. Where were you?

LUKE: Well, at first, I walked around a bunch, ya know, just trying to clear my head. Saw a lot of Hartford Ė and what a cesspool.

LORELAI: Well, youíre not a city man.

LUKE: Then I calmed down after awhile and I figured dumping Louieís body in an open grave with all his stuff probably would be a little cold.

LORELAI: Just a tad.

LUKE: So I got a Yellow Pages and I found the Big and Tall Casket Shop in Hartford.

LORELAI: Youíre kidding.

LUKE: Nope, I found a casket that would fit my hundred and sixty pound uncle and his hundred and forty pounds of stuff, got the lid to shut the first time we tried it, so the funeralís on as scheduled.

LORELAI: Good.

LUKE: I still donít know why Iím doing this.

LORELAI: Youíre doing it for your dad.

LUKE: Yeah, I guess. Although heís dead so heíd never know if I was doing it any different.

LORELAI: He knows. Heís got the big Luke picture screen on twenty four hours a day and he watches and smiles. And youíre doing it Ďcause youíre you.

LUKE: Hey, Iím gonna change real fast and you can retire from your diner career forever.

LORELAI: Oh no, itís fun. I came up with some new diner phrases. Do you know what a Lucky Duck Cluck is?

LUKE: Not offhand.

LORELAI: Itís foie gras with chicken and green shamrock frosting.

LUKE: Why would anyone ever order that?

LORELAI: If theyíre high. [sees Emily enter the diner] Ugh, good grief.

LUKE: What?

LORELAI: Bad vibe sandwich just came in, better retreat.

LUKE: I wonít be long. [goes upstairs]

LORELAI: Hi Mom.

EMILY: Since when do you work here?

LORELAI: Iím just lending a hand. Whatís going on?

EMILY: I went by the inn to work with Sookie on her wedding.

LORELAI: Yeah?

EMILY: And she fired me.

LORELAI: Iím sure she didnít fire you.

EMILY: She claims to have changed her mind on all the things we had planned.


LORELAI: Well, maybe she did.

EMILY: No, she didnít. I know whatís behind this. That is, whoís behind this.

LORELAI: Mom, it was getting to be too much for her and too much for her fiancé.

EMILY: I knew it.

LORELAI: Mom, these are not wealthy people, do you understand that? Theyíre saving for a home and your midgets were dancing between them and their dreams.

EMILY: You say midgets like itís so absurd.

LORELAI: Do you hear yourself?

EMILY: I donít see what was so wrong with my just helping Sookie plan her wedding.

LORELAI: Mom, come on.

EMILY: What, come on?

LORELAI: You werenít planning Sookieís wedding.

EMILY: Well, then, whose wedding was I planning?

LORELAI: Mine.

EMILY: Donít be ridiculous.

LORELAI: Mom, your vision for this wedding and all the over the top stuff and the gazillion dollar flowers and bunting and champagne fountain and the Haute Couture dress Ė whoís wearing that wedding dress in your mindís eye, Mom? Is it Sookie or is it me?

EMILY: I wasnít planning your wedding, Lorelai.

LORELAI: Right.

EMILY: The wedding I was planning was for Sookie. The mushrooms and colors, they all seemed like fun. A little crazy, just like she is. It definitely was not for you.

LORELAI: Okay Mom.

EMILY: I know that in a million years, you would never let me plan your wedding. I gave up on that dream a long time ago. Yours was going to be a Russian winter theme Ė the Romanovs.

LORELAI: Before the firing squad, I assume?

EMILY: Snow white roses, trees with white lights and candles, snow everywhere, you arriving in a silver sleigh with white horses.

LORELAI: Wow.

EMILY: You hate the idea.

LORELAI: No, no, I just Ė .

EMILY: You just hate it.

LORELAI: No, it just doesnít seem like me.

EMILY: Yes, well, it wouldíve been beautiful.

LORELAI: Iím sure it wouldíve been.

EMILY: Anyhow, itís obvious that wouldnít even be appropriate anymore being as Iím probably standing in your reception hall.

LORELAI: Excuse me?

EMILY: Burgers and fries for the dinner? The bride walks down the aisle with a ketchup dispenser in her hand.

LORELAI: Please tell me what youíre talking about.

EMILY: Iím talking about Luke.

LORELAI: Luke? Mom!

EMILY: Well, itís obvious, Lorelai.

LORELAI: No, itís not, Mom.

EMILY: Youíre with him constantly.

LORELAI: He feeds me.

EMILY: You bring up his name constantly.

LORELAI: Once again, he feeds me.

EMILY: The moment he calls, you run to his side.

LORELAI: Heís my friend, he needed me, I had to be there.

EMILY: Yes, I know you did.

[Luke comes down the stairs and walks over to them]

LUKE: Hi.

EMILY: Hello. I have to go. Iíll see you for dinner tonight, Lorelai. And Luke, Iím sure Iíll see you again soon. What do you think of the Romanovs?

LUKE: They probably had it coming.

EMILY: A match made in heaven.

CUT TO CEMETERY

[Lorelai and Luke are alone at the funeral]

REVEREND: Weíre here, of course, to honor Louie, to pay our respects and to bid him a sorrowful goodbye.

LORELAI: Are you okay?

LUKE: Yeah. Iím not big on funerals in general.

LORELAI: Nobody is.

REVEREND: He passed away in his sleep, so the end came peacefully for Louie, which Iím sure is a great comfort to all who knew him.

LUKE: The passing away part was a great comfort for all who knew him.

REVEREND: I didnít know him.

LUKE: Good thing.

REVEREND: But I understand he was a fine man, destined to be missed by many.

LUKE: Especially ones that were suing him.

LORELAI: Stop. Sorry father.

REVEREND: Reverend.

LORELAI: Right.

REVEREND: Now let us witness Louie Danes as he is interred and brought to the Lord.

LORELAI: It was a nice service. Nice and, um, intimate.

LUKE: I guess everybody deserves something at the end. Thanks for coming.

LORELAI: I wouldnít have missed it.

LUKE: That ainít me, is it?

LORELAI: What are you talking about?

LUKE: What Taylor said about me being like Louie, a loner, never being married and stuff. I mean, I am getting crankier as I get older, heís not so far off.

LORELAI: You are not your uncle. I mean, would Louie ever build someone a chuppah, or help fix things around someoneís house without being asked, or make a special coffee cake with balloons for a girlís sixteenth birthday?

LUKE: Rory told you about that?

LORELAI: Yes. And would Louie have taken in his sisterís kid without hesitating and without asking for anything in return?

LUKE: No one wouldíve trusted Louie with their kid. He probably wouldíve forgotten to feed him or something.

LORELAI: You get my point?

LUKE: Yeah, I get it. [he hears drumming] Whatís that? [he sees one of the reenactors walking onto the cemetery] Is that Andrew?

LORELAI: I believe it is.

[the other reenactors arrive]

LUKE: Thatís all of them.

[The reenactors start doing their salute]

LUKE: Thanks.

LORELAI: Itís what your dad wanted.

LUKE: Yeah. Oh, I know Louie wouldíve hated this.

LORELAI: Thatís just a fringe benefit.

CUT TO SIDEWALK

[Luke and Lorelai are walking toward the diner]

LORELAI: Do you think heís in heaven?

LUKE: I hope so, just so my dad can kick his butt around the place.

LORELAI: Can you kick when youíre in heaven?

LUKE: Itís probably frowned upon.

LORELAI: Yeah, plus youíre all see-through and gauzy and your dadís foot could go right through him.

LUKE: This is a silly conversation. Whatís all this?

LORELAI: I have no idea.

CUT TO INSIDE LUKEíS DINER

[Luke and Lorelai walk into the diner, which is packed with people]

LORELAI: Hi.

LUKE: Whatís going on?

RORY: Itís kind of like a wake.

LUKE: A wake?

LORELAI: For Louie?

RORY: I thought you set it up

LORELAI: I didnít set it up.

RORY: Well, itís going well, anyway. People brought a ton of food if youíre hungry.

LORELAI: Huh.

LUKE: This is unexpected.

LORELAI: Very.

LUKE: Donít you have wakes for people you like?

LORELAI: I think it might be for you.

LUKE: Am I dead?

LORELAI: Face it, Luke, people like you.

LUKE: Shut up.

LORELAI: And with charm like that, how can they resist?

[The farmerís market proprietor walks up to Taylor]

PROPRIETOR: Hey Taylor, cool threads. Very "One if By Land."

TAYLOR: Mm hmm.

PROPRIETOR: I see youíre digging into the vegetables.

TAYLOR: Thanks for the play by play.

PROPRIETOR: Brought those myself. Hey, how was the funeral?

TAYLOR: Shouldnít you be tending to your little stand out there, friend?

PROPRIETOR: Oh, the standís gone.

TAYLOR: What?

PROPRIETOR: Itís gone, Iím all packed up, Iím outta here.

TAYLOR: I donít get it.

PROPRIETOR: I just grow all that stuff in my back yard and as of yesterday, sold it all.

TAYLOR: You sold it all?

PROPRIETOR: Sold it all, made enough money to do some traveling. Have you ever been to Israel? Turbulent, I know, but I thought Iíd go down and try to plant some peace down there, know what I mean? See if it grows and see if it spreads.

TAYLOR: Shut up. Why did you put me through all that hoohah at the town meeting if your vegetable business was just temporary?

PROPRIETOR: Actually, you put yourself through it, Taylor. You put yourself through it.

[Rory walks over to Jess]

RORY: Nice spread.

JESS: People have too much free time in this town.

RORY: You did a good thing.

JESS: What do you mean?

RORY: I thought my mom set this up. Turns out she didnít.

JESS: So? Wasnít me.

RORY: It wasnít?

JESS: Nah, no way. It wasnít me.

RORY: If you say so.

JESS: Look, the crazy ballet teacher called and asked when Luke was getting back from the funeral, if I could unlock the door. I came down, I unlocked the door, then went back upstairs and back to sleep.

RORY: So you did do a little something.

JESS: I unlocked the door.

RORY: So that people could come in here and put this together. Nice.

JESS: Nice for them, not for me.

RORY: You facilitated it, you made it happen, so I guess that means that youíre officially apart of our town now.

JESS: Hey, wait a minute.

RORY: Welcome.

JESS: I am not part of this town.

RORY: See you for some tree planting over at the Arbor Day Festival, buddy.

JESS: Yeah, well maybe I can knock over a liquor store while everyone else is planting those stupid trees.

RORY: As long as itís a liquor store in town, neighbor.

[Rory walks over to a table where people are telling stories about Louie]

SY: So, like I say, itís Halloween, right, and weíre lucky Louie doesnít have razor wire around his yard, you know how he is. So finally one of the neighborhood kids, he gets all courageous and he goes sauntering up to the door and he goes Ďtrick or treat!í Louie finally throws the door open, looks at him and says, ĎDid you get a Reeseís cup tonight?í And the kid looks in his bag and he says, ĎYes sir, I did.í So Louie grabs it, says Ďthank you very much!,í then slams the door in his face.

LORELAI: Iím sorry I never met him.

LUKE: He was colorful.

KIRK: I never trick or treated again.

MISS PATTY: So one day Iím at the post office, Iím in line when Louie just about knocks me over and he cuts in line. I said, ĎLouie, thereís a line!í So he says, ĎKiss my butt!í and I said, ĎYou mind your manners!í and he says, ĎPlease kiss my butt!í and drops his pants!

BABETTE: Oh, I got one, I got one. Louie was parked outside Alís Pancake World, and I was trying to pull in the space behind him, when all of a sudden, he starts to back up, so I honk my horn and he Ė it was just a little honk, no big deal Ė but he . . .

THE END




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