T6E18: “The Real Paul Anka”

RORY

Hey, you.

LORELAI

Okay, so weird dream. Weird, weird dream.

RORY

Weirder than the one where you step into a boxing ring and your hands are suddenly giant cream puffs?

LORELAI

Weirder, scarier.

RORY

Let's hear it.

LORELAI

Well I was home, and I was finishing up my usual morning routine you know, coffee, shower. And then - picture this, very weird - I take Paul Anka for a walk.

RORY

You walk Paul Anka every day. What's weird about that?

LORELAI

Not the dog Paul Anka. The real Paul Anka.

RORY

Whoa.

LORELAI

Yeah.

RORY

Was he nice?

LORELAI

Very pleasant, natty dresser. Then suddenly, he sees something, a cat or something, and darts right into the middle of the street.

RORY

The real Paul Anka?

LORELAI

The dog Paul Anka. So I call him and call him, but he completely ignores me and runs right into Doose's Market.

RORY

You didn't train him well enough. Too much affection, not enough discipline.

LORELAI

I go after him into Doose's, and apparently he's got a job there.

RORY

The dog Paul Anka?

LORELAI

The real Paul Anka.

PAUL ANKA

You picked yourself some beautiful cucumbers, Mrs. Clancey. You have the cucumber eye.

LORELAI

So I run out of Doose's, and I'm approaching Luke's apartment, I guess to get help or something, and I'm walking to the door, and I open it, and there's Paul Anka in front of a microphone giving a little concert.

RORY

The real Paul Anka.

LORELAI

The dog Paul Anka.

RORY

Couldn't have been happy, you interrupting his show like that.

LORELAI

He didn't notice, so I go down to the diner, and there, lo and behold, is Paul Anka sitting on Babette's lap.

RORY

Please don't tell me it was...

LORELAI

The real Paul Anka.

BABETTE

[stroking Paul Anka] Good boy. Who's a good boy?

RORY

This is crazy.

LORELAI

Coming to the end. So the real Paul Anka looks outside, and there, sitting in the middle of the street staring at him is dog Paul Anka.

RORY

Uh Oh! So real Paul Anka gets up and runs out of Luke's. They're both in the street now, real Paul Anka walking toward dog Paul Anka, dog Paul Anka toward real Paul Anka. You can sense that something very bad is about to happen, when suddenly they meet in the middle of the street, and bam! An otherworldly white light engulfs the whole town, and there's a loud explosion and two barks, and everything goes dark.

RORY

And?

LORELAI

And then I woke up.

RORY

Wow.

LORELAI

Yeah

RORY

Okay.

LORELAI

So I guess I was wondering if you'd heard anything about a small Connecticut town being sucked up into an evil demon vortex or cast into the fourth dimension or anything.

RORY

Nope.

LORELAI

Real Paul Anka still kicking?

RORY

Haven't heard otherwise. Check your hands

LORELAI

No cream puffs.

RORY

I think you're good to start your day.

LORELAI

Thanks, hon.

RORY

Anytime.

LORELAI

Bye. [Hangs up and looks at the dog Paul Anka]

LUKE

You're gonna do fine.

CAESAR

Says you.

LUKE

And everybody else. You know the place backwards and forwards, Caesar.

CAESAR

You've never been gone this long.

LUKE

You're gonna do fine.

CAESAR

Stop saying that. It's bad luck.

LUKE

Well then you're gonna stink. You're gonna blow up the stove and give everybody salmonella.

CAESAR

Why do you say that?

LUKE

Because if it's bad luck to say good things, it's good luck to say bad things.

CAESAR

You're rooting for me to fail.

LUKE

I am not rooting for me to fail, Lorelai, tell him he's gonna do great.

LORELAI

And jinx it for him? No way.

CAESAR

Thank you.

LUKE

You're both nuts.

KIRK

I could run the place if you want, Luke.

LUKE

Hmm, let me search down to the very depth of my being to see if there's the slightest inclination I would want that. Nope.

KIRK

Just checking.

LUKE

What's that?

LORELAI

Oh I bought it over last night I figured you'd need it for hanging stuff.

LUKE

I'm not bringing hanging stuff.

LORELAI

Well, you should bring some nice clothes just in case. I threw in some slacks and your black jacket.

LUKE

It's a field trip with a bunch of 12-year-olds. I'm not gonna need nicer stuff.

LORELAI

Just in case.

LUKE

It's 10 days of diners and fast food, nothing requiring slacks or jackets.

LORELAI

See, that's what the phrase "just in case" covers, the times you think you've anticipated every possible need.

LUKE

Alright, I'll bring it.

CAESAR

You know, there was a flash flood in El Salvador last night.

LUKE

No, my Salvadoran paper didn't come today.

CAESAR

They didn't see it coming.

LUKE

That's the flash part of flash flood.

CAESAR

So what do I do if I see a flash flood coming strait at the diner?

LUKE

Make sure all the customers have settled up.

CAESAR

It's all a big joke to you.

LORELAI

So you're taking this, huh? [Pointing at the Anna bag]

LUKE

The old one's a mess.

LORELAI

Hmm.

LUKE

You don't think I should?

LORELAI

No, it's just you think it's sturdy enough?

LUKE

Yeah, I think it should be.

LORELAI

Well, it's always best to take something that a gorilla could jump up and down on and not wreck.

LUKE

I don't think a gorilla has tested it, but if it busts, I'll just pick up something on the road.

LORELAI

That will work.

LUKE

All right, I should get going. Anna's stuck at the house until I pick up April.

LORELAI

Well, let's get you on the road.

LUKE

It's good timing, too. Caesar's in the back.

KIRK

Sure you don't want to reconsider my offer? I've got a hairnet on me, so I can start immediately.

LUKE

Offer declined.

LORELAI

You take that. I'll take this. [Pointing at the Anna bag]

LUKE

Perfect. [Luke picks up the hanging bag]

LORELAI

[Lorelai is swinging the bad] Oh. Oops. [It hits the edge of the door.]

CAESAR

Woo hold up, wait! Wait!

LUKE

He's unstoppable.

LORELAI

It's cute.

CAESAR

We need to confirm the itinerary.

LUKE

As we've done 1,000 times? Sure, let's confirm it.

CAESAR

Today's the kids' math contest in Newark. In my day, you learned two plus two and you stayed home. Today they go on the road like they're Metallica.

LUKE

And then tomorrow night's Philadelphia. [Turning to Lorelai] Did I tell you we're dropping in on Jess?

LORELAI

Jess? No.

LUKE

Yeah, this place he works. They put out this Zine and books and whatever else. They're having an open house. I'm taking April. It'll give jess a chance to meet his little cousin.

LORELAI

[Sounding taken back] Oh, sounds great. So anywhere in the back?

LUKE

Anywhere's fine. [Lorelai throws the bag in the truck, Luke gives a weird look.]

CAESAR

Hey, day six, if your cell dies, is there a phone in Gettysburg I could reach you at?

LUKE

Yeah the one grant used to call Lincoln -- number's in the book.

CAESAR

Oh, good. He's a funnyman today. He's Jerry Lewis.

LORELAI

Caesar, calm down. You're gonna do great. You're the best cook Luke's ever had. You so make better pancakes than he does.

CAESAR

True.

LUKE

No he doesn't

LORELAI

You just have to be confident.

CAESAR

It just when I'm working the grill, sometimes I get a locked elbow. And Luke's the only one who knows how to rub it to get it working.

LORELAI

He rubs your elbow?

LUKE

It's like a sports injury. It's okay if it's sports. You want to step back about 3 feet so I can say goodbye to my girl?

CAESAR

Fine.

LUKE

You gonna miss me?

LORELAI

Especially if my elbow hurts.

LUKE

I'm gonna call you a lot.

LORELAI

Same here.

LUKE

You know, I was happy when she asked me, but now it just struck me I'm gonna spend 10 days with a bus full of teenagers.

LORELAI

I think you're ready. [They kiss]

LUKE

Thanks for seeing me off.

LORELAI

Your pancakes are better, by the way.

LUKE

Thanks.

CAESAR

Don't worry, Luke. Just a momentary panic. I'm gonna be fine, I promise.

LUKE

Good. Now go back in there and reclaim your turf.

CAESAR

Reclaim my turf?

KIRK

[Kirk is serving coffee and wearing the hair net.] My name is Kirk, I run the place.

CAESAR

Kirk! [Caesar runs inside, Luke and Lorelai share a final wave Luke gets in the truck.] What are you doing Kirk, you don't work here. [The struggle, Lorelai watches on.]

KIRK

That's my favorite hair net! [Kirk chases Caesar through the diner.]

LUKE

I'm bad with names, so help me with the names.

APRIL

You ever use mnemonic devices?

LUKE

Uh, maybe.

APRIL

They help you remember things. Uh, like Curtis Shuran. He's from Kurdistan.

LUKE

Really?

APRIL

No, he's from Detroit. That's a mnemonic device.

LUKE

Curtis Shuran from Kurdistan. Got it.

APRIL

Jamie Alvarado likes to try avocados. Meg Shatsworth, Haywood's Fatsworth.

LUKE

Shatsworth, Fatworth. Alvarado, avocado.

APRIL

And those are your fellow Grups.

LUKE

The what?

APRIL

Grown-ups. You never saw the original "star trek"?

LUKE

Oh, yes, Grups. Yes, I did.

APRIL

The one in the cords is our math teacher, Mr. Munster. Good guy, he's a little nerdy, likes to wow us with his Chris Rock impersonation. It's borderline racist.

LUKE

Well, let's leave the bags here, get the lay of the land first.

APRIL

Well, this is pretty much the land.

LUKE

There must be some kind of check-in point and protocol to follow, so just stick with me. Or you just run on the bus. That's really good.

EARL

Hello, there. You our pilot?

LUKE

Your what?

KELLY

Are you the driver?

LUKE

Me? No. I'm Luke Danes.

EARL

Oh, you're Luke Danes. Sorry. We thought you were our driver.

LUKE

No, no, sorry. I, uh, you know, I have nicer clothes than this. I won't always be wearing these.

EARL

That's okay. I'm Earl Stepton. This is Kelly Turlington. You probably know Roy Munster, your daughter's teacher.

LUKE

Actually, no. I'm April's new father, I mean, not new, but new to her. So, hey.

ROY

She's a bright one.

LUKE

Go figure. [They all laugh]

APRIL

[From the Bus window] Hey, Luke! Some people in here are wondering who you are.

LUKE

Oh, well, go ahead and tell them.

APRIL

That's Luke.

KELLY

So here's the detailed itinerary.

EARL

Lunch stops, snack stops.

ROY

Wander time, exploring time.

KELLY

TV time.

EARL

Porn will be preblocked at all our lodgings.

LUKE

Okay so no porn.

ROY

Study breaks, check-in with parents.

KELLY

Bedtime hours.

LUKE

So we go to bed at 9:00?

EARL

The kids do. You don't have to.

LUKE

Right, but I can?

EARL

Sure.

LUKE

Okay great.

ROY

Shall we get on board so they don't leave without us?

LUKE

Well, I still have my bags.

KELLY

Okay, see you on the bus.

LUKE

Kelly Turlington from Burlington. Arr Roy Munster's a punster.

LORELAI

Hey, you.

RORY

Hey.

LOGAN

You get in late last night?

RORY

I was studying.

LOGAN

Hmm. Missed my class this morning.

RORY

Bummer.

LOGAN

Clock didn't go off. I thought I set it right.

RORY

Oh, I reset it. I had to catch up on some sleep. I didn't know you set it for early.

LOGAN

Honest mistake.

RORY

Maybe we should get a second clock.

LOGAN

Might be wise. You gonna be available to grab a bite later?

RORY

Maybe.

LOGAN

You can't see that far into the future?

RORY

It's crazy right now.

LOGAN

I'll check in with you later.

RORY

We'll see how it goes. [Logan grabs Rory's arm to pull her in close for a kiss]

LOGAN

Have a good day.

RORY

You too. [Rory leaves]

KIDS

There's holmium and helium and hafnium and erbium and phosphorous and francium and fluorine and terbium and manganese and mercury, molybdenum, magnesium dysprosium and scandium and cerium and cesium and lead, praseodymium, platinum, plutonium palladium, promethium, potassium, polonium and tantalum, technetium, titanium, tellurium [Inhale deeply] And cadmium and calcium and chromium and curium there's sulfur, californium and fermium, berkelium and also mendelevium, einsteinium, nobelium and argon, krypton, neon radon, xenon, zinc, and rhodium and chlorine, carbon, cobalt copper, tungsten, tin, and sodium these are the only ones of which the news has come to Harvard and there may be many others but they haven't been discovered. [the applaud them selves]

LUKE

What was all that?

APRIL

It's all the chemical elements. At least the ones that have come to Harvard.

BOY

[OS] 1468...

LUKE

Any idea what's going on here?

BOY

... 14201995611...

APRIL

That's frank.

MARCIA

Huge show-off.

APRIL

Always rubbing our faces in the fact that he knows the first 300 digits of pi.

LUKE

Of course

APRIL

[To Marcia] Hey, did you bring my sweater?

MARCIA

I think so.

APRIL

It's important. I need that sweater.

FREDDIE

What is it, your lucky sweater?

APRIL

No, Freddie.

MARCIA

Is Munster gonna wear that creepy lucky tie of his at competition?

SUE

Oh, god, I hope not.

MARCIA

Supposedly, there's lucky underwear to match.

APRIL

Mental image, be gone.

MARCIA

I heard he lives with his mother.

SUE

I heard he plays the trombone for fun.

FREDDIE

He's a liar, too, he says he was a red sox fan, but he didn't even know they traded Damon.

LUKE

Really? He didn't know Damon was with the Yankees now?

FREDDIE

No.

LUKE

You see Steinbrenner made him cut his hair?

FREDDIE

Yeah, he looks way less scary.

LUKE

Yeah, less intimidating to pitchers. It's gonna shave 20 points off his batting average. Hey, what's that kid's name?

APRIL

Freddie. His name is Freddie.

LUKE

Freddie, Freddie, apple-brown betty, nice kid.

APRIL

Yeah, well, I should study.

LUKE

You got it.

LORELAI

Mr. And Mrs. Moore, your horses are saddled and ready. Now, Cletus is very gentle, but they're both sweethearts. Rob is outside to help you get started.

MRS MOORE

Thank you.

LORELAI

Okay, have fun. Mrs. Kim, hi.

MRS KIM

You let women ride horses?

LORELAI

Yes.

MRS KIM

[Sighs] I have a request.

LORELAI

Alright

MRS KIM

This is a wedding dress. It's the dress I wore when I married Mr. Kim 28 years ago.

LORELAI

Hmm, khaki with a big zipper down the middle. Fashion is a fluctuating thing, huh? Oh, oh, the dress is inside.

MRS KIM

Right. I would like Lane to wear it at her wedding.

LORELAI

Well how nice.

MRS KIM

But it's a tad big. Lane is smaller than me. It might need a hem, and the sleeves should be shortened.

LORELAI

Makes sense.

MRS KIM

I would like you to alter it for Lane.

LORELAI

Well, of course. I would love to.

MRS KIM

Lane would like that, too.

LORELAI

Anything for her.

MRS KIM

Alterations should be minor. Take it in a little here and there, and that should do it.

LORELAI

Okay, I'll give lane a call and bring her in for a fitting.

MRS KIM

Not necessary, here's her height and arm length -- that's all you need.

LORELAI

I'll get right on it.

MRS KIM

Thank you. Do they at least ride sidesaddle, the women?

LORELAI

Yes, every single one of them.

MRS KIM

Good. [she leaves, Lorelai looks at the dress and gasps]

RORY

Uh, Paris, what's going on here? [Looking at a jar on the desk]

PARIS

I just need 10 more minutes. I took a delete-boring-answers pass on my interview with professor Whittington and ended up with a tidy 16-word piece. His wife must want to suck a tail pipe every night. I'm putting stuff back in now.

RORY

I meant with the big jar of disgusting insects. Oh. They're fruit flies. I'm finishing an important paper on population genetics, and I have to monitor how often Drosophila Melanogaster do the nasty.

RORY

Gross.

PARIS

Complain to god, not me.

RORY

Well did you have to bring them into the newsroom?

PARIS

I can't just leave them home. They could escape and infest my apartment.

RORY

Meaning they could escape and infest the newsroom.

PARIS

At least no one sleeps in the newsroom, and if they bring food and flies get in the food, they'll learn to follow the "no food in the newsroom" rule.

RORY

We don't have that rule.

PARIS

We should.

RORY

Get them out of here.

PARIS

I need 9 minutes.

RORY

Paris.

PARIS

8 1/2. Come on you want the interview, I got to keep typing.

RORY

Okay, 9 minutes.

PARIS

Thanks.

LOGAN

Hey, chief, got a minute?

RORY

Um, a minute.

LOGAN

I'm a little confused about something.

RORY

How can I help.

LOGAN

I was working on the piece about textbook prices. You assigned it to me a couple of weeks ago.

RORY

Ua-hu

LOGAN

It wasn't gonna earn me my Pulitzer, but I already put a lot of work into it, and I just checked the server and noticed that a piece on the same topic's been written.

RORY

Yes, it has been.

LOGAN

Our wires get crossed?

RORY

Nope.

LOGAN

Who wrote it?

RORY

I did.

LOGAN

Why?

RORY

It's topical. It affects every student. It's an important story I wanted to be sure that it would get done.

LOGAN

It wasn't due for two more days.

RORY

I didn't think you'd meet the deadline.

LOGAN

Based on what?

RORY

Based on past performance.

LOGAN

Past performance is no indication of future performance.

RORY

Wise men call that a sucker's maxim.

LOGAN

I did a lot of research on this thing, I interviewed textbook publishers, I interviewed authors. I was gonna get more quotes from students.

RORY

I know. I used your research. A lot of it came in handy.

LOGAN

Really.

RORY

The stuff that I could make sense out of.

LOGAN

Good.

RORY

Look, you'll get your by-line, if that's what this is about.

LOGAN

You know that's not what this is about.

RORY

I thought I was doing you a favor.

LOGAN

Everyone knew I was assigned that piece, and now they know it's been taken away from me.

RORY

Logan, I'm sorry. It's as you said. Our wires got crossed. It happens. Let's move on.

LOGAN

Okay, we'll move on. [Picks up Paris's jar] And what's with this?

PARIS

Keep walking, whitey.

LOGAN

You let fruit flies in the newsroom?

PARIS

It's not hurting anybody.

LOGAN

It's disgusting.

PARIS

I just need five more minutes.

RORY

Don't rush, Paris. [To Logan] The fruit flies are not hurting anybody, and Paris is working on something that I'm waiting on. I would prefer it if she weren't interrupted.

LOGAN

[Looking at Rory and sounding a little mad] Sorry, Paris.

LUKE

Alright guys, just remind me, who's allergic to dairy? [He answer] There you go. No mayo. Who's allergic to wheat? [She answer] There you go, Tori, bound for glory. And who's low sodium? [He answer] There you go, apple-brown betty Freddie, no salt.

APRIL

Uh, hey.

LUKE

Hey. You know, I'm still mad about that math competition.

APRIL

Arr, you win some you loose some.

LUKE

Those buzzers in the countdown round were rigged. I know they were. The judges were on the take.

APRIL

He's called a moderator, actually.

LUKE

Yeah, well, whatever they are. I'm lodging a protest.

APRIL

Luke, could we talk for a sec?

LUKE

Sure.

LUKE

What's up?

APRIL

You know Freddie, right?

LUKE

Yeah, good kid.

APRIL

Well, I-I like him.

LUKE

Oh, well, I like him, too. He seems less insane than the others.

APRIL

I don't mean like him the way you like him, I hope.

LUKE

You've known him longer.

APRIL

And I'm a girl.

LUKE

I know that.

APRIL

And he's a boy.

LUKE

I know that, too. [April looks at Luke] Oh! You like him.

APRIL

Shh!

LUKE

Sorry

APRIL

I'm not quite ready to proclaim it to the world yet.

LUKE

Are you old enough to like a boy?

APRIL

I'm not sure.

LUKE

I'll have to look it up in a book to see whether you're supposed to like boys yet or not.

APRIL

It's a fact either which way.

LUKE

Okay, so what do you want me to do?

APRIL

For starters, it would help if you stopped calling him Betty.

LUKE

[Laughing a little] Right.

APRIL

And you sitting next to me all the time is kind of getting in the way.

LUKE

Oh, jeez, I didn't realize.

APRIL

I know you're pretty oblivious.

LUKE

It seems like Freddie is...

APRIL

Don't look at him!

LUKE

Sorry. It just seems like you pay less attention to Freddie than any of the other boys.

APRIL

That's because I like him.

LUKE

You like him, so you ignore him?

APRIL

That's the way it works.

LUKE

But you're always palling around with Kevin.

APRIL

Kevin makes me sick.

LUKE

I'm confused.

APRIL

You're over thinking this.

LUKE

I must be.

APRIL

Don't look at him!

LUKE

I'm sorry. [Sighs] I-I, shouldn't be sitting next to you, then, huh?

APRIL

Maybe not.

LUKE

Guess I'll go sit with the parents.

APRIL

I think that's a good idea.

LUKE

Okay. Well, you want to go back together, or should we stagger it a little?

APRIL

Give me a four-second head start.

LUKE

You got it. [April leaves, Luke sighs a short while later]

LOGAN

[OS] The bottle is dry.

COLIN

[OS] You cannot be out of wild turkey.

LOGAN

[OS] I've got everything else under the sun. Pick one and stop your nagging.

COLIN

You cannot be out of wild turkey.

LOGAN

No matter how many times you tell me I'm not out doesn't change the fact that I'm out.

FINN

Hands.

ROBERT

Jerk.

RORY

Hi, everyone.

RORY

I'm okay.

LOGAN

Yeah forget it. She doesn't drink on school nights.

RORY

I sometimes do.

COLIN

I'm getting a sense that the woman of the house had no idea we were going to be here.

FINN

Okay that we're here, love?

LOGAN

Of course it's okay.

FINN

Logan I haven't called you love since that sultry night in Bimini.

RORY

It's fine that you're here. What's with the maps?

COLIN

Graduation is imminent, Rory. So we are planning the ultimate life and death brigade event.

FINN

Not only the ultimate, but the penultimate.

COLIN

Penultimate means next to last, Finn. This is the last one.

FINN

I thought it meant super-ultimate.

ROBERT

How did you get into Yale?

FINN

Slept with the recruiter.

RORY

What's the stunt?

COLIN

We're flown on a twin-engine plane to a remote spot in Costa Rica. We don parachutes, base-jump off a cliff whose height is...

ROBERT

Exactly 3,624 feet, unless that's a 2.

COLIN

We land on the banks of the San Juan river.

FINN

Hopefully not in the river.

ROBERT

Or on the Nicaraguan side of the river.

LORELAI

Or in Panama

COLIN

We inflate a raft, white-water three miles down to a meeting point, where a blowout party will take place.

ROBERT

It's a 2, gents. I'm pretty sure it's a 2... or an 8.

RORY

Where do you get the inflatable raft?

LOGAN

One of us will parachute with it in our packs.

FINN

Not me I've got the DVD player.

COLIN

Not me I've got the champagne and the bong.

ROBERT

If I take it, it'll crush the cigars.

LOGAN

Stand down, boys. I'll jump with the raft.

RORY

You're planning this all very carefully, right?

COLIN

Luckily we have a topographical-map expert in our midst.

ROBERT

It's a 3. I'm 90% sure.

RORY

Why don't you make extra sure you have the right number there Robert?

LOGAN

Hey, let the man do his thing.

RORY

Well, I would if the man doing his thing weren't drunk and hadn't forgotten to put on his reading glasses.

ROBERT

Oh, my god. I'm not wearing my glasses.

COLIN

They flew off when you did that impression of the old guy getting shot by Dick Cheney.

RORY

Who's flying this twin-engine airplane, and who's supplying the parachutes? I mean, there must be a weight limit to make that jump, right? Do you guys know what the weight limit is?

LOGAN

So you came home just to piss on the fun?

RORY

No, I came home because I live here.

COLIN

You know, guys, maybe we should resume our planning another time.

LOGAN

Yeah, I guess maybe we should.

ROBERT

I'll never be able to refold these.

COLIN

Just grab them and let's go, Robert.

FINN

[Holding up his class] Okay if I return this another time?

LOGAN

Sure.

RORY

Go with them if you want.

LOGAN

Is it your life mission to embarrass me at every opportunity you get?

RORY

It's Robert, Colin, and Finn, Logan. I've seen them all dance naked with underwear on their heads. There's no embarrassing you in front of them.

LOGAN

Well, you embarrassed me tonight.

RORY

How, by pointing out that the stunt you're planning doesn't exactly sound safe?

LOGAN

It's called the Life and Death Brigade, Rory

RORY

Yeah, and you're supposed to try to avoid the death part.

LOGAN

This is not your business, and why aren't you at the paper? You're always at the paper at this time of night.

RORY

Finished early.

LOGAN

How? You delegate a little let people actually write their own articles?

RORY

That's old news.

LOGAN

It's not old news you knew that would embarrass me, and you didn't care.

RORY

Please.

LOGAN

Even when we're together, you're someplace else. You leave, and you don't kiss me goodbye. Were at dinner, you're on your cell phone the whole time. You never leave notes anymore about where you're gonna be. So I have no idea where you are. You haven't forgiven me

RORY

What are you talking about?

LORELAI

For the girls I was with when we were separated.

RORY

I said I forgive you. Yeah, you said it, but you haven't, though. You haven't. I'll be at the pub. [Logan leaves]

LANE

Lorelai!

LORELAI

Hi, Lane.

LANE

You're in possession.

LORELAI

Of what?

LANE

Of the wedding dress.

LORELAI

Oh, um, yeah. It's safe and sound. I was just starting to dig into it.

LANE

Don't dig. Slice, kill, maim, destroy.

LORELAI

What?

LANE

Sic a mad pack of wolves on it. Douse it with lighter fluid and turn it in to ash. I cannot wear that dress.

LORELAI

Yeah, I know. It's a little old-world.

LANE

Have you looked at it?

LORELAI

Parts of it.

LANE

Exactly you can't take it in at once. The eyeball is not capable.

LORELAI

Aw, It's not that bad.

LANE

It's got pants.

LORELAI

[Gasps] No!

LANE

You didn't look at it very carefully.

LORELAI

Well, I will remove the pants.

LANE

Oh, it's every girl's dream to hear the woman altering her wedding dress say, "I'll remove the pants."

LORELAI

I'm sure once I alter it a little...

LANE

No, don't alter it. Have an accident. Leave a warm iron on it. Spill a vat of acid on it. Run your car over it.

LORELAI

Lane, Lane, I haven't even put it on the mannequin yet. Now, let me start work on it, and I will keep you fully posted every step of the way and...[Lorelai see something in the reflection of the window] Oh my God!

LANE

What? My mom?

LORELAI

No, my mom and dad. I thought I saw something.

LANE

Well, focus, focus. Important topic we're discussing here.

LORELAI

All right, I got to run. I'll call you later.

LANE

Lorelai! [Lorelai goes of to look for her parents]

LANE

I'm not above bribing.

LORELAI

Don't sneak up on me like that.

LANE

[Waving some $10 notes] It's all about the Hamilton's, baby.

LORELAI

You can't pay me to ruin your dress.

LANE

Look forget about your parents and concentrate on this.

LORELAI

Wait, so you saw them, too? I'm not insane?

LANE

They've been walking around town all morning.

LORELAI

All morning. Any guess as to why?

LANE

Shred the dress, and I'll tell you.

LORELAI

Do you really know why?

LANE

No.

LORELAI

Well, then I'm not gonna ruin the dress.

LANE

Well, I did see them talking to Kirk earlier.

LORELAI

Kirk?

LANE

Yeah, and he was wearing his maroon jacket.

LORELAI

His real-estate jacket. This is not good! This is not good!

LANE

My life is in your hands. I don't think you're fully comprehending that fact.

LORELAI

I guess I'm going.

RORY

Okay.

LOGAN

I'll be out of cell phone range for a couple days.

RORY

I know.

LOGAN

I'll see you. [He leaves]

LORELAI

Kirk! Kirk!

KIRK

Mask!

LORELAI

What?

KIRK

Mask.

LORELAI

What is this?

KIRK

I've done it, Lorelai. I finally landed my first listing.

LORELAI

Where are my parents?

KIRK

This is the beginning of my rise to the top of the real-estate industry.

LORELAI

Where are my parents?

KIRK

Do you happen to be in the market for a house? 'Cause this baby's a honey.

LORELAI

Something in the corner just moved.

KIRK

Just a rat. I'd have told you about them before you bought the place. The law also requires me to inform you that the house has toxic mold, asbestos, methane gas, buckling floors, a crumbling foundation, visible fungus, a collapsed fireplace, [a piece of the ceiling falls and just misses them] ceiling damage, water damage, and it was the recent site of a Wicca convention and a particularly grisly murder/suicide. nothing we can't work with.

LORELAI

I'm not in the market. Now, listen, I know my parents are shopping for houses. Lane saw you with them and I need to know where they are right now.

KIRK

I'm sorry. That's confidential information. In fact, the fact that I was with them was confidential. So I'm gonna have to ask you to pretend that I haven't already confirmed that I was with them, which I wasn't.

LORELAI

[Fluttering] Oh, god, what was that?

KIRK

Bat. Don't worry. When you spray for cockroaches, the bats die, too, usually. At the very least, it knocks the wind out of them so they wind up wobbling on the floor, so you can just whack them with a hammer, nothing we can't work with.

LORELAI

Kirk, I am your friend, but they are my parents, and I need to find them right now. It's important.

KIRK

Well, I shouldn't tell you this, but I know they were looking at two properties on maple drive. They're probably around there right now. Too bad I couldn't get them interested in this property. It has great bones. Literally. There's an Indian burial ground underneath it.

LORELAI

Thanks. See ya. [Lorelai leaves in a hurry]

KIRK

Don't run. It scares the bat.

LORELAI

[Gasps] Mom, dad! Wow...

EMILY

Lorelai.

LORELAI

...what are you doing here? Hey, did we have something set up?

RICHARD

Uh, no.

EMILY

No.

RICHARD

No.

LORELAI

No? Then what's up?

RICHARD

Oh Well, we're here to, um...

EMILY

Do a little antiquing.

LORELAI

Antiquing

RICHARD

Right, antiquing.

EMILY

We're hitting Litchfield, Woodbridge, Washington depot.

LORELAI

Well, we have some great antique stores right here in little old stars hollow.

RICHARD

That's what brings us.

LORELAI

So you've been to Madison house?

EMILY

Where?

LORELAI

Madison house, Oh, amazing stuff, lots of colonial. It's not in my price range, but I love to browse around. I'll take you there right now.

RICHARD

Oh, uh, I don't know if now is a good time.

EMILY

Err we have an appointment to keep.

LORELAI

An appointment huh, I thought you were just walking around shopping.

EMILY

We are. We made an appointment at an appointments-only antique shop.

LORELAI

We have those here?

RICHARD

Well obviously we do because we have an appointment at 1:00.

LORELAI

Well, I'll go with you.

RICHARD

They're only expecting two of us.

LORELAI

Wee they can squeeze in one more. Huh, promise I won't break anything. Come on, take me there.

EMILY

It's actually not for a while, so we can't take you there now.

LORELAI

Perfect, then we'll hit Madison house first. It's just a 10-minute walk. Come on.

RICHARD

All right. Lead the way.

LORELAI

Cool you know I'd say let's drive, but our streets, forget about it.

EMILY

What about the streets?

LORELAI

Oh, they're clogged night and day. Yep, total gridlock. It's not gonna help when they build that big box store.

EMILY

They're building a box store?

LORELAI

Oh, yeah, right in the center of town.

RICHARD

Those things are hideous.

LORELAI

Yeah, it's gonna wipe out all our local businesses. This place will be a ghost town. Ooh, hold your breath. Oh, god, sorry. Sewer problems.

RICHARD

Your public-works department needs to be notified.

LORELAI

No, they're on strike. Well, they're always on strike. [Coughs] Excuse me.

EMILY

Allergies?

LORELAI

Meth lab.

MATTHEW

We need our own bar.

JESS

You say it like I'm fighting. I'm not fighting you.

CHRIS

Same here.

MATTHEW

We need a public place where the next De Kooning can run into the next Franz Kline and dis the next Jackson Pollock while the next Charlie Parker shoots up in the corner.

JESS

So a nice family place.

MATTHEW

I'm not kidding. We'll call it "Cedar Bar Redux."

JESS

I would kick my own ass if we called it that.

CHRIS

Why don't we call it "Devoid of Original Ideas Poseur Bar"?

JESS

[Laughs]

MATTHEW

Go to hell, both of you.

JESS

Hey, come back for a hug, man.

CHRIS

Hey, there's Alicia Matheson from the weekly.

JESS

Whoa. Grab Matthew. Get him off the bar thing. Have him show her around. That's what he does best.

CHRIS

Cedar bar redux.

JESS

Yeah. [Chris walks off, then see someone] So my eyes don't deceive me.

LUKE

First thing's first. What the hell is that?

JESS

It's an abstract painting.

LUKE

But what is it supposed to be?

JESS

Check the title.

LUKE

I did. It's called "untitled."

JESS

There you go.

LUKE

I give up.

JESS

So you got the invite.

LUKE

I got the invite.

JESS

I guess I didn't think you'd come.

LUKE

You guessed wrong, nephew.

JESS

Cool. So you want the tour?

LUKE

Give me a tour.

JESS

All right, well, this is where we work, truncheon books. There's usually desks and crap piled up everywhere, but we cleaned up for today. Those are the books that we put out. We publish our Zine once a month, except last august, when my partner forgot to pay the printer. We let local artists hang their stuff up without ripping them off on commissions. We do performances over there, and a few of us live upstairs. That you don't want to see. It's a disaster zone.

LUKE

This is yours, right?

JESS

Yeah.

LUKE

I wanted to get it, but I couldn't find it.

JESS

Yeah, it's not exactly "the Da Vinci code."

LUKE

Well, I will definitely get it today. By the way, that is your cousin.

JESS

Right, Liz filled me in on all that, daddy.

LUKE

She just calls me Luke. Total brain.

JESS

You confirm paternity?

LUKE

Don't be a wiseass. Hey, April. I want you to meet somebody. Meet your cousin Jess. He's my sister's kid.

APRIL

Hi.

JESS

Hey.

APRIL

Men in this family aren't chatty.

JESS

Sorry.

APRIL

I'm gonna go explore a little more.

LUKE

Cool.

JESS

How are you adjusting to all that?

LUKE

Okay, I guess. I like her, and she just sort of tolerates me.

JESS

Seems like it.

LUKE

Thanks for the perspective.

JESS

That's why I'm here. Hey, come on. I got some sculpture over here you're really gonna hate.

LORELAI

Ooh, that garbage smell.

EMILY

What garbage smell?

RICHARD

I don't smell garbage.

LORELAI

Yeah, the wind shifted right after I said it. Allowing a landfill within a mile of city limits, crazy.

RICHARD

It's within a mile?

LORELAI

Yeah, destroying everyone's land values. Oh, well. Where did you park?

RICHARD

Over on Peach Street.

LORELAI

Oh, you mean carjack lane.

EMILY

Carjack lane?

LORELAI

Better than chop shop alley. Here, follow me. Oh, god, watch out for the pothole. [jumps over very small hole in the street] Ooh, I tell you. The roads are just the things in between potholes, huh?

EMILY

Oh, dear.

RICHARD

You should talk to your mayor about all these issues, Lorelai.

LORELAI

You mean Gropey McGee? I cannot, will not ever put myself in that position again! Mind if we stop by the store? [Emily and Richard look worried]

LORELAI

Well, I'm running low on a lot of basics, and I just want to see if they got them in.

EMILY

This is a cute little store.

LORELAI

Well, if you can be cute and unclean at the same time. All right, let's see. No. No. No. Nope, and this is the only store in town.

EMILY

What are you looking for?

LORELAI

What am I looking for? Everything. They have nothing. The little they have is off-brands, which wouldn't be so galling, except everything's so far past its expiration date. Hey, help yourself to some little George's chips. Yum, yum. Little George -- pass. Oh, and look. Here we have some Aunt Molly's ice cream. You'll notice there's no picture of Aunt Molly on the carton. I Googled her and got a mug shot, and all I could think was, "I hope she hasn't been selling that stuff to kids."

TAYLOR

Excuse me. Lorelai, what are you doing?

LORELAI

Shopping, Taylor. Why?

TAYLOR

You're walking around disparaging my store, and not only is that insulting, it's against the law.

LORELAI

Against the law?

TAYLOR

Code 14/b/14 triple backslash x-8 state that a citizen of stars hollow cannot denigrate stars hollow while standing on stars hollow soil. It was established in 1792. The original penalty was death by 40 muskets.

LORELAI

Really, Taylor, you misheard me.

TAYLOR

You made a crude joke about Aunt Molly.

LORELAI

Well, you got to admit, Aunt Molly had it coming.

TAYLOR

I don't joke about Aunt Molly.

LORELAI

[To Emily and Richard] Can you say BTK?

TAYLOR

As town mayor, I could cite you on the spot.

RICHARD

This is Gropey McGee?

LORELAI

Sh-sh... [Tries to stop Richard]

TAYLOR

I beg your pardon.

EMILY

Oh, look at the time. Excuse me all, will you?

LORELAI

Mom, where you going?

EMILY

I'm just going to get something out of the car.

LORELAI

No, mom. Mom, you don't know the safe streets. You walk down the wrong one, you die. [Looks at Taylor] Commence writing me up, Taylor.

POET

Benzedrine and a muscled fist, turn to hand, turn to handout, turned fish and loaves and a lazy day in Galilee. Herman Melville, poet, customs officer, rubber stamps, and Hawthorne daydreams craving Tahiti and simple sun and the light of the Berkshires.

LUKE

Is this any good?

APRIL

Mmm.

MATTHEW

I don't know what she's gonna write.

JESS

We're not supposed to know what she's gonna write. She's a member of the independent press.

MATTHEW

She played it close to the vest. You know, I hate that.

JESS

Go get a beer. Stop obsessing. [see someone walk in] Well, isn't this a day of surprises?

RORY

I didn't RSVP. Sorry.

JESS

Ah, this isn't an RSVP type thing. Showing up's cool.

RORY

Good thing. So this is Tuncheon Books?

JESS

Yeah. This is Truncheon.

RORY

I like it. It makes me feel like I instantly want to create something. Give me a pen. Give me a brush. [surprised] Luke.

JESS

Yeah, there's a definite "Jess Mariano, this is your life" vibe here today.

JESS

Hey, Luke.

LUKE

Bicycle?

JESS

No.

LUKE

Rory, hi. What are you doing here?

RORY

Same thing your doing here.

APRIL

Your books are really easy to skim.

JESS

That'll make a nice blurb.

LUKE

I was gonna take off, actually.

JESS

Uh, I got to get something. Don't leave till I get back. I'll just be a minute.

LUKE

Okay.

APRIL

[To Rory] You have a great face.

RORY

Thanks. So do you.

LUKE

Yeah, uh, Rory, this is April.

RORY

Oh, April. Hello there, April.

APRIL

Hi.

RORY

[To Luke] The famous April.

APRIL

I'm famous?

RORY

Kind of.

LUKE

Uh, April, Rory's an old friend.

APRIL

She doesn't look old.

LUKE

I mean, I've known her well since she was your age. She's from stars hollow. She's actually the daughter of the woman I'm with, my fiancée, Lorelai. You met her that one time. It's kind of complicated.

APRIL

I'll say.

LUKE

You probably want to get back to that boyfriend of yours.

APRIL

He's not my boyfriend. Jeez. [Rolls her eyes[

JESS

[To Luke Quietly] Hay come here. Here. [Hands Luke a copy of his book]

LUKE

Oh, let me, let me buy this. That way, you would get the money.

JESS

Ah, it's okay.

LUKE

What's this?

JESS

It's what's owed.

LUKE

You owe me nothing.

JESS

I owe you. Take it. If you rip it up, I'm just gonna send another.

LUKE

[Sighs] I'm very proud of you, of this, of what you're going for here. I don't get all of it, but I'm me.

JESS

Thanks. [They hug]

APRIL

[To Rory] All I said was that I liked him. I realized it was a mistake as soon as I said it.

LUKE

We should get going.

APRIL

Nice meeting you.

RORY

Nice meeting you, too. Good luck with everything.

LUKE

[To Jess] Good Luke with this, congratulations.

JESS

Okay thanks. [To April] See ya.

APRIL

Bye.

JESS

[Chuckles] So you here alone?

RORY

I guess.

JESS

Cool...Come on.

LORELAI

Oh, well, we'll be lucky to get a table. Huh, there's absolutely nowhere else to eat in town, and even being Luke's fiancée doesn't guarantee me a meal when I want one.

CAESAR

Oh, great, more customers.

RICHARD

Well, there seem to be a few tables available.

LORELAI

None of the good ones, unfortunately. All right, you phoned mom, you told her to meet us here. What, is she late?

RICHARD

No, she's right there.

LORELAI

Oh, all right. What is wrong with this picture? [Emily is at a table with at little girl]

RICHARD

They're playing cards.

LORELAI

I can see that be who is that she's playing with?

RICHARD

I have no idea. Do they have ham here?

LORELAI

Ham? Sure.

RICHARD

Get me a ham and Swiss on rye, dry, nothing on it.

LORELAI

Where are you going?

RICHARD

I'll be back in a bit.

LORELAI

Dad, wa-- dad.

EMILY

Do you have any 8s?

GIRL

Go fish.

EMILY

Oh, you. I was sure you had 8s. Hi, Lorelai.

LORELAI

Hi, mom. What you doing?

EMILY

Oh, Sissy and I are playing go fish. She's good, too. It's your turn.

SISSY

Do you have any jacks?

EMILY

Unbelievable. She's won three games in a row. She's a little champ.

SISSY

I keep getting lucky.

EMILY

It's not luck. You said she was smart, but this is something else. You get to go again.

LORELAI

Oh my God, Mom.

SISSY

Do you have any 3s?

EMILY

Nope. Go fish.

LORELAI

Mom, who do you think this is?

EMILY

Luke's daughter. [Lorelai sighs] Isn't it?

LORELAI

No.

EMILY

You're not Luke's daughter?

SISSY

Unh-unh.

EMILY

I don't believe this. This isn't Luke's daughter?

LORELAI

It's definitely not Luke's daughter.

EMILY

And here I was bonding with it. Who is this? Who are you?

SISSY

Umm...

LORELAI

Never mind, honey. Do you live close by?

SISSY

Two blocks.

LORELAI

Okay, why don't you go home where it's safe?

SISSY

Okay.

EMILY

You're telling me I played this insipid game for a half an hour and it's not even Luke's daughter?

LORELAI

What made you think it was Luke's daughter?

EMILY

Well, it told me it was someone's daughter here.

LORELAI

Well, she must have meant someone in town.

EMILY

Then she's a moron. Why would I play cards if there wasn't a family connection?

LORELAI

I guess she just thought you were being nice.

EMILY

The little idiot kept tipping her cards so I could see them. So I pretended I didn't and specifically asked for what I knew she didn't have. The kid's a moron.

LORELAI

Okay, mom. She's gone now.

EMILY

Is it so stupid to think that she's Luke's daughter? She looks like Luke.

LORELAI

Mom, you can trust me that there will be no contact between you and Luke's daughter anytime soon.

EMILY

What does that mean?

LORELAI

It means that I don't even see her. Luke and I have an arrangement.

EMILY

What kind of arrangement?

LORELAI

Well, he, I mean, you know, we mutually decided that I probably shouldn't have any contact with her.

EMILY

What? That's ridiculous.

LORELAI

No, it is what it is. It's what we want.

EMILY

Lorelai, you and Luke are in a relationship. You're going to be husband and wife, and sissy's his daughter.

LORELAI

No, no. That was sissy. April is his daughter.

EMILY

You know what I mean. You have to have a relationship with this girl. It's imperative.

LORELAI

Mom, you don't know the whole story.

EMILY

But I know your handiwork when I see it, playing cautious when you should be diving in. That girl is his blood relation, and you need to get to know her. You'll be in her life for the rest of your life.

LORELAI

Mom, it isn't just me.

EMILY

I can't believe Luke is letting you get away with this. The sooner you embrace your role in this girl's life, the better off you'll be, mark my words. Where's your father?

LORELAI

He ran off to something.

EMILY

That's right we had another appointment. I'll find him. Then we have to leave. He needs to get back to work.

LORELAI

All right, goodbye, mom.

EMILY

Goodbye. [To Caesar] You. You could have told me that wasn't Luke's daughter.

CAESAR

I hate customers.

CHRIS

All I'm saying is, control your poet.

MATTHEW

So suddenly he's my poet.

JESS

He changed up on us. He wasn't supposed to premiere new material tonight.

MATTHEW

It wasn't bad.

CHRIS

It was rambling.

MATTHEW

It was a little rambling.

CHRIS

And what was that whole part about desiring Golda Meir?

JESS

Please tell me that was symbolic.

MATTHEW

I'll talk to my poet.

CHRIS

Hey, we're hitting that bar that we're not going to call "Cedar Bar Redux." You coming?

JESS

Yeah, maybe. You know, go on ahead. I'll catch up. [Goes over to Rory.] You know, you don't have to read it again.

RORY

I know I don't.

JESS

God, there are so many things I would change in it.

RORY

Like what?

JESS

I'd keep the back cover. Everything else goes.

RORY

You know why I love your book?

JESS

Why?

RORY

It doesn't remind me of anything. It's not a rip-off. It's just you.

JESS

High praise, miss Yale editor.

RORY

Yeah, well, I don't get to write as much as I would like, I, mostly assigning and motivating, hand-holding, and rewriting.

JESS

Yeah, and you love it, every minute of it. Come on, tell me you don't.

RORY

I do. I do love it. It's exciting.

JESS

Yeah, you look happier than when I saw you last.

RORY

I am.

JESS

So you fixed everything?

RORY

Yeah, everything's fixed.

JESS

I'm glad you're here.

RORY

Yeah, me too. {Jess leans in and they kiss, Rory pulls away]

JESS

What?

RORY

I'm sorry.

JESS

About what?

RORY

Uh, about coming here like this. I just got the flier, and I don't know. I just wanted to see your place, but then this... it's not fair to you. I'm such a jerk.

JESS

I don't know what you're talking about.

RORY

And I couldn't even cheat on him the way he cheated on me.

JESS

Who? Who cheated on y...that guy? [Sighs] You're still with him.

RORY

Yeah.

JESS

I thought everything was fixed.

RORY

Everything but him.

JESS

I hate this.

RORY

You should. I'm sorry.

JESS

You came here alone, to Philadelphia.

RORY

He was out of town.

JESS

I don't deserve this, Rory.

RORY

No, you don't. You don't deserve it. I just... I'm in love with him. Despite all the bad he's done, I can't help it. I'm in love with him.

JESS

Love, huh?

RORY

Yeah.

JESS

I guess I'll call Matthew's poet and have him explain love to me. Poets know all about it, right?

RORY

They're supposed to.

RORY

Well, I, I guess I better go.

JESS

Okay.

RORY

I'm so sorry that I came here.

JESS

I'm not. It's what it is, you, me. Where did you park?

RORY

Um, I'm right outside.

JESS

Hey, if, uh, if it makes you feel better, you can always tell him that we did something.

RORY

Thanks, jess. [Rory leaves.]

KELLY

You know what I though, I thought an apple stop would be fun today.

ROY

Oh, great idea.

EARL

The banana stop was a big hit yesterday. I don't see how an apple stop could fail.

LUKE

Yeah, they loved the banana stop.

KELLY

So I have pamphlets for the kids to read about Amish country. Should we hand them out now?

ROY

I think that's a good idea.

LUKE

Oh I'll do it, I've got something for April here, so I was about to sneak back there anyway.

KELLY

Thank you, Luke.

LUKE

[Luke goes to the kids] Hey, everybody. Sorry to interrupt. I got some pamphlets here, a little info on Amish country. It's got some pictures, but we're gonna see it, so you don't have to look at the pictures. It's got stuff to read, too. So go ahead and pass the rest around there. [To April] I thought you might need your sweater... Okay, then... See ya.

APRIL

My dad's ridiculously overprotective.

MARCIA

Ridiculously.

LYRICS

I hope it doesn't show, it'll go away, it's just a passing phase, it'll go away, I hope it doesn't show, it'll go away, give it a hundred years, it won't go away, and I've got angst, in my pants.