T1E11: “Paris Is Burning”

RORY

L?

LORELAI

L-laryngitis. M?

RORY

Mumps. N?

LORELAI

Narcolepsy! O?

RORY

Are we going to have to go through this every time we decide who cleans out the refrigerator?

LORELAI

Do you want to go back to thumb wrestling?

RORY

Osteoporosis. P?

LORELAI

(gasps) Puppies!! (runs across the street)

RORY

That's not a disease. Oh boy. (runs after her)

LORELAI

(to all the puppies) Hi! Oh hi! Hi! Oohh! Rory look at the baby! (in front of one)

RORY

Mom.

LORELAI

Aw, Buttercup was found cold and wet hovering under a hydrangea bush along highway 26. It's a sad highway.

RORY

As compare to all the other happy highways she could've been abandoned by.

LORELAI

Her lineage includes cocker spaniel, golden retriever, bouvier des flandres -

RORY

Gesundheith

LORELAI

Thank you - and rottweiler.

RORY

Buttercup is a special dog. She's extremely skiddish and tends to react badly towards blonde haired females, brunette males, children of either sex, other animals, red clothing, cabbage or anyone in a uniform.

LORELAI

(to Luke) Hey, we just found the doggy version of you.

MAN

Can I help you?

LUKE

Do not let these two anywhere near a dog. They can barely feed themselves.

LORELAI

Shut up you! We'd be excellent pet owners, thank you.

RORY

You cannot be serious.

LORELAI

We could get him a pretty bowl...

RORY

It's a her.

LORELAI

...and a new name...

RORY

Mom.

LORELAI

..cause this 'Buttercup' thing really has got to go.

RORY

Do I need to remind you of Skippy?

LUKE

Skippy?

LORELAI

I can't believe you would bring up Skippy.

RORY

Skippy was our hamster.

LORELAI

He doesn't care.

LUKE

What happened to Skippy?

LORELAI

Nothing happened to Skippy.

RORY

Every time mom would put her hand in his cage, he'd bit her.

LORELAI

And laugh.

LUKE

Hamster's can't laugh.

LORELAI

Oh this one laughed - trust me.

RORY

So finally she got fed up.

LUKE

Of being laughed at by a hamster?

LORELAI

Well yeah.

RORY

So she stopped cleaning it's cage. Instead everyday she would stuff some Kleenex in there.

LUKE

You didn't?

LORELAI

It was the quilted kind (with a small smile)

RORY

So this keeps going on and the cage is just a cage full of Kleenex that moves a little, and the smell? Really good.

LUKE

I can imagine.

LORELAI

Oh no you can't

RORY

So then she takes the cage to the place where we bought him, waits for the sales guy to go behind the desk and dumps it on the counter then bolts.

LUKE

You abandoned your hamster.

LORELAI

Look, I know it was bad, but this was a vicious hamster. This was like a Damien hamster with little beady eyes and a big forked tail and...a cape with a...hood...and bye bye Buttercup. Bye Luke.

RORY

You did the right thing. (both walking away from the puppies with arms around each other)

LORELAI

Oh (in a whiny tone). I want a pet.

RORY

You have me.

LORELAI

You won't bring me my slippers in the morning.

RORY

I might if you had slippers.

LORELAI

Will you wear a collar?

RORY

No.

LORELAI

It'll be pink!

RORY

You're sick.

LORELAI

Hey watch how you talk to me. Remember what happened to Skippy.

LORELAI

Mmm...God this is good!

MAX

OK. Correct me if I'm wrong.

LORELAI

Salt please.

MAX

Twenty minutes ago we were sitting at the dinner table were we not?

LORELAI

Yes we were.

MAX

There were candles and flowers and plates and knifes and cloth napkins.

LORELAI

I love the little sombrero napkin holders, very ole.

MAX

And the whole time we were at said dinner table, you ate two maybe three bites of this amazing dinner I made for you.

LORELAI

Pass the bread.

MAX

And yet, as soon as that dinner's over and I start cleaning up, suddenly that's when you're starving.

LORELAI

What can I say - watching someone work makes me hungry. If I hadn't stopped watching "This Old House" I'd be 500 lbs right now.

MAX

Hmm.

LORELAI

What are you doing?

MAX

Passing these to you?

LORELAI

In the dish please. Ha ha ha. (as Max puts food into pot.)

LORELAI

So where did you learn to make osso bucco anyway?

MAX

Um, from this very old Italian woman...who used to live upstairs...um, s-she had lost her husband a couple of years before and she kinda looked at me as like a son.

LORELAI

Sweet!

MAX

She was.

LORELAI

So an old girlfriend huh?

MAX

Yep.

LORELAI

Mm hm.

MAX

So would you like some coffee?

LORELAI

Yes please. (Walks by Max and their faces come very close together)

LORELAI

Hey did you read Rory's paper yet?

MAX

Not yet.

LORELAI

It's really good.

MAX

I'm sure it is.

LORELAI

Oh and look! It's right on top.

MAX

Isn't that a coincidence?

LORELAI

(laughs) Wow, there are some really big words in here. I just hope you have a dictionary with you when you read it.

MAX

Oh I will.

LORELAI

You know I could just save you the time and uh, put an 'A' on it for you.

MAX

Well that really wouldn't be fair to the other students who's mothers aren't here tonight would it?

LORELAI

Yes you're right. (pause) Although, life isn't fair and the sooner those kids learn that the better.

MAX

Well I'll take that advise into account.

LORELAI

(giggles). (turns around to look at his books) Wow these are beautiful!. Hm, I never read Proust, I always wanted to. Every now and then, I'm seized with an overwhelming urge to say something like "As Marcel Proust would say.." but of course I have no idea what Marcel Proust would say so I don't even go there. I could do, uh, "As Micheal Crichton would say.." but it's not exactly the same you know.

MAX

Well, take it.

LORELAI

Oh no! It-it looks so valuable

MAX

It's a book. It's meant to be read.

LORELAI

You sure?

MAX

Take it, read it.

LORELAI

Ok, I will.

MAX

(laughing) Not now!

LORELAI

What?

MAX

I'd rather you didn't read it now.

LORELAI

But um, what about (Max kisses her) my required reading (stands up, moving towards the bedroom, between kissing..) But I won't make the cheerleading squad! (kissing) Mr. Medina, is this my extra credit work because Missy just had to take a test!?! (laughing through kisses. Door closes.)

RORY

Where do you think you're going?

LORELAI

Hi.

RORY

It's one o'clock in the morning.

LORELAI

I know but my watch stopped during a terrible car wreck and I had to save kittens and small children and four baby chicks.

RORY

Did you have a nice time?

LORELAI

Not bad. (smiling)

RORY

That's a very big smile for a not bad night. (Lorelai sits on the couch)

LORELAI

Yeah well...Hey he loaned me a book.

RORY

What book?

LORELAI

'Swann's Way'

RORY

Aren't we ambitious.

LORELAI

Yes we are.

RORY

You know what it means when a man loans you a book don't you?

LORELAI

That he's already read it?

RORY

Yep.

LORELAI

(laughs a little) How was your night?

RORY

Homework.

LORELAI

How many times did Dean call.

RORY

Not that many.

LORELAI

How many?

RORY

Three (Lorelai looks at her)...Five.

LORELAI

(laughs) Not an all time high but very respectable. I'm going to bed. You staying here?

RORY

Yeah. I'm comfortable. I've got the pillows in a perfect mushed position.

LORELAI

Ok. Night mom. (kissing Rory)

RORY

Yeah you just go think about what you've done.

LORELAI

(with big smile) I will.

RORY

Hey.

LORELAI

What?

RORY

You look happy.

LORELAI

I am kid.

RORY

Just checking.

MAX

"There's a certain slant of light, winter afternoons that oppresses like the heft of cathedral tunes." That, my friends is the first verse of a poem by Emily Dickenson. Now read some of those tonight, and as you do, consider the fact that Emily Dickenson writes convincingly about passion and about the world in spite of the fact that she lived as a virtual recluse. It'll help you appreciate her mind. (bell rings)

MADELINE

I could listen to him talk about passion all day. Do you think he's dating anyone?

LOUISE

Of course he is.

MADELINE

A teacher?

LOUISE

Please.

MADELINE

Why not?

LOUISE

Have you seen teachers?

MADELINE

He's a teacher.

LOUISE

Male teachers are different. They can still be mysterious.

MADELINE

I bet his girlfriend's pretty.

LOUISE

I bet she's dumb.

MADELINE

Why?

LOUISE

Dumb girls crave smart men. It's that whole Marilyn Monroe - Arthur Miller syndrome.

MADELINE

I still think she's lucky

PARIS

Whoever he's dating is a loser, who doesn't care that he's a teacher in this ridiculous school making a ridiculous teacher's salary. (to Rory) What are you looking at? (walks away)

LOUISE

Guess someone read the paper today.

MADELINE

I know. Paris' parent's divorce is getting very ugly!

LOUISE

Her dad should've just paid her mom everything she wanted and this whole thing would've been over.

MADELINE

That's what my dad did. (to Rory) Hi!

LOUISE

Hi.

RORY

Hey.

MADELINE

Is it true Paris' mom had the entire back of her body surgically reconstructed?

LOUISE

Well it doesn't match the front now does it?

GRANDMA

How's the squab?

RORY

It's good.

GRANDMA

Lorelai?

LORELAI

It's the best tiny, weird bird I have ever eaten.

GRANDMA

I'm glad.

LORELAI

Why are you smiling like that?

GRANDMA

What are you talking about?

LORELAI

You're smiling.

GRANDMA

I'm happy.

LORELAI

That's not your "I'm happy" smile.

GRANDMA

Well what smile is it Loerlai?

LORELAI

That's your "I've got something on Lorelai" smile.

GRANDMA

Rory your mother must be very tired.

RORY

She works a lot.

LORELAI

I grew up with that smile - I know that smile.

GRANDMA

Tell me about school.

RORY

Well, my French final went pretty well.

LORELAI

You can change the subject. I know the smile.

GRANDMA

Whatever you say dear.

LORELAI

I've used it a few times myself.

RORY

Mom.

GRANDMA

So tell me about parent's day?

LORELAI

What?

GRANDMA

Parent's day? Next Wednesday? When all the parents are supposed to go to the classes with their children all day long?

LORELAI

The Chilton newsletter came out today!

RORY

Yup.

LORELAI

Right.

GRANDMA

You didn't read yours?

LORELAI

Not yet.

GRANDMA

Ah.

LORELAI

But you knew that -

GRANDMA

Well -

LORELAI

Hence the smile.

GRANDMA

Lorelai, you're really being silly. There's no evil plan a foot here. I simply brought up a subject I thought we could all talk about.

LORELAI

Oh right.

GRANDMA

I'll try another subject - the colour blue is very pleasant isn't it?

LORELAI

Mom not everybody can wait outside the mailbox for the Chilton newsletter to arrive and then instantly memorize the contents in three seconds.

RORY

I'd like to weigh in on the blue colour subject please.

GRANDMA

You have your priorities far be it from me to question them.

LORELAI

Just because I don't read the newsletter doesn't mean I don't care about my daughter.

GRANDMA

So are you going?

LORELAI

To what?

GRANDMA

To parent's day!

LORELAI

Why don't we talk about it next Friday when I've actually read the newsletter. I guarantee it'll be more fun.

GRANDMA

We could except for the fact that parents day is next Wednesday.

LORELAI

Wednesday?

RORY

Yup.

GRANDMA

If we talked about it on Friday then you would've missed it.

LORELAI

Wednesday huh?

RORY

It's ok mom, you don't have to be there.

GRANDMA

I guess we can talk about how you missed it.

LORELAI

I'm won't miss it.

RORY

Mom it's not a big deal, you're busy.

GRANDMA

You know what - I'll go!

LORELAI

What?

GRANDMA

Why not? You have to work. I, as you have insinuated, have no life, therefore I will go sit with Rory at parent's day.

LORELAI

I'm not busy, I'm going. I will be there - that's it. End of story ok?

GRANDMA

Fine.

LORELAI

Fine.

GRANDMA

So did you read on page two about the mother/daughter talent show?

RORY

You ok? (smiling)

RORY

Mom I have to go! It's almost 8 o'clock!

LORELAI

Wait! Have you seen my orange suede clip thingy?

RORY

Top right hand drawer.

LORELAI

It's not there.

RORY

Did you check in your purse?

LORELAI

Yes.

RORY

Under your scarves?

LORELAI

Yes.

RORY

In your sock drawer?

LORELAI

(gasps) I love you.

RORY

I'm gone.

LORELAI

Bye (give Rory a kiss)

LORELAI

Hey wait!

RORY

What?

LORELAI

Blue disco sequence bag?

RORY

No!

LORELAI

Why?

RORY

Bad.

LORELAI

Really?

RORY

Bye.

LORELAI

Bye! (pause) Wait-wait-wait!

RORY

Mom come on! Mr. Medina's going to be here any minute!

LORELAI

Ok, just tell me one more thing. Where's the silver dangly bracelet?

RORY

I'm wearing it.

LORELAI

Why are you wearing it?

RORY

Because it's mine.

LORELAI

Oh...right...Hey can I borrow your silver dangly bracelet?

RORY

I'll leave it on the table for you.

LORELAI

Thank you.

LORELAI

What was that?

RORY

The door bell rang?

LORELAI

Why did the door bell ring?

RORY

Because someone's at the door.

LORELAI

It's 8 o'clock. Who shows up at 8 o'clock for an 8 o'clock date?

RORY

I don't know, maybe a Chilton teacher?

LORELAI

Everybody knows that 8 o'clock means 8:20, 8:15 tops!

RORY

Well obviously he was raised in a barn.

LORELAI

I tell you, he's cute but this punctuality thing has knocked 10 points off the dream guy quotient.

RORY

Mom what do I do? I'm not even supposed to be here.

LORELAI

Ok so go!

LORELAI

Oh wa-wa-wait! You have to get the door.

RORY

What?

LORELAI

Yeah, because I'm not ready.

RORY

I'm not supposed to get the door remember, we agreed. I don't get the door when you have a date.

LORELAI

I know but...

RORY

I'm not even supposed to be here. That's the first rule of the 'Gilmore Dating Handbook'. (as Lorelai fiddle with her skirt zipper). Daughter shall be nowhere near house when said man materializes. It's a good rule, it 's been working.

LORELAI

Ok, but he's standing out there and it's cold and my slip is now completely stuck in my skirt zipper and they'll have to bury me like this.

RORY

Mom!

LORELAI

Just this once! (as she runs upstairs)

RORY

Hi.

MAX

Rory.

RORY

Come on in.

MAX

Thank you (clears his throat)

RORY

Can I get you something, I mean we don't really have anything but if you wanted something and we had it, I'd be happy to get it for you.

MAX

I'm fine.

RORY

We have water.

MAX

That's ok.

RORY

It's not bad water actually. I mean it's not a funny colour or anything.

MAX

I'm good. Really.

RORY

We have bottled water.

MAX

No thanks,

RORY

One bottle actually.

MAX

I-it's quite alright.

RORY

We really need to go to the store.

MAX

So..should we...

RORY

Sit? Right. Yeah let's sit.

MAX

So, uh, what are your plans tonight?

RORY

I'm going over to my friend Lane's house.

MAX

Sounds good.

RORY

And you guys are...?

MAX

Dinner, movie - the usual.

RORY

Right.

MAX

This is a little uncomfortable.

RORY

Yes it is.

MAX

But the thing is, if things go well, the way I hope they're going, then we might be doing this again.

RORY

Sitting uncomfortably?

MAX

(laughs) Seeing each other outside of school.

RORY

That's ok. I am fine with this whole you and my mom thing.

MAX

Well good. I'm glad.

RORY

Well, better go. (gets up to leave)

MAX

It's good to talk to you Rory. (standing up)

RORY

You too Mr. Medina. (She turns to leave)

MAX

why don't you call me Max? Just when we're out of school.

RORY

(turning back) I don't think I can do that.

MAX

Why not?

RORY

It just sounds wrong - disrespectful. I mean, you're my teacher Mr. Medina, and if I start to think of you as a 'Max' - even as a part-time 'Max', it just seems lit it would get too confusing.

MAX

How 'bout then, we'll come up with non-Chilton names for each other. When we're not in school, I'll call you Rebecca.

RORY

Rebecca.

MAX

And you'll call me...

RORY

Norman?

MAX

Norman?

RORY

Well...

MAX

I look like a Norman to you?

RORY

I'm sorry, 'Psycho' was on earlier and it was just the first name that came to mind. I'll think of something else. How about Alfred?

MAX

You know what...Norman's fine.

RORY

Are you sure?

MAX

I'm positive, I love it. I might make a legal change.

RORY

Ok. Well I better go.

MAX

I hope you and Lane have a good time.

RORY

Thanks. Oh, would you give this to my mom for me?

MAX

Absolutely.

RORY

Thanks.

RORY

Oh and Norman - have her home by 10.

SOOKIE

I can't believe you won't just sell them to me.

JACKSON

And I can't believe you're being so small minded.

SOOKIE

My stuffed fried squash blossoms are extremely popular with the customers.

JACKSON

Yes I know.

SOOKIE

People come from all over and demand the fried stuffed squash blossoms.

JACKSON

That's exactly my point!

SOOKIE

What'll you have sir? Anything that comes with the stuffed fried squash blossoms. That's what I hear day in and day out.

JACKSON

Yes, great, I know, but all I'm asking you is to try stuffing something a little different this time huh? (holds up a zucchini tush)

SOOKIE

A zucchini tush?

JACKSON

Just a temporary name.

SOOKIE

You want me to serve my customers a genetically engineered vegetable that's named after a butt?

JACKSON

Hey this is an all natural vegetable hybrid that's perfectly safe, completely delicious, and yes it looks a little odd but you can put in on the map!

SOOKIE

I want the blossoms.

JACKSON

Fine. You wanna think small, think small. I'm done. (leaves)

RORY

Jackson invented a new vegetable again?

SOOKIE

Yup.

RORY

It's too bad that bowling league didn't work out for him.

SOOKIE

Yeah.

LORELAI

Hey, look I found them.

RORY

Where?

LORELAI

They were in that drawer with the roasting pans.

RORY

Cool.

SOOKIE

Oooh skates!

LORELAI

Rory and I have a skating date.

RORY

I'm Nancy Kerrigan.

LORELAI

And I'm Tonya Harding. I'm gonna do the whole shoe lace coming untie - nervous break - let me start again act and everything.

LUKE

(laughing) When was the last time you put those things on?

LORELAI

Oh, you are constantly trying to ruin my fun.

LUKE

Do they even fit anymore?

LORELAI

Yes they fit.

LUKE

They look rusted.

LORELAI

Well...can I just have some coffee please?

LUKE

(sighs) Hand them over.

LORELAI

Why?

LUKE

I'm gonna clean them and tighten the blades.

LORELAI

Really!?!

LUKE

Yes.

LORELAI

Can you make them really shiny?

LUKE

The skates please.

LORELAI

Maybe add a couple of pompoms.

LUKE

Just hand them over.

LORELAI

Thank you!

SOOKIE

You get really good service here.

LORELAI

Yeah I do.

SOOKIE

Gotta go.

LORELAI

Anything wrong?

SOOKIE

Too much yeast, too little bowl.

LORELAI

Enough said.

LORELAI

(to Rory) So I think I'm just going to go for it and wear the fur-trimmed skating skirt, pride be damned.

RORY

Hey, what if we invite Max to go skating with us?

LORELAI

M-max?

RORY

Yeah, I thought maybe he'd want to go.

LORELAI

When did you start calling him Max?

RORY

Well the other night he said that I should probably call him something other than Mr. Medina when we're outside of school. Which makes sense, so I'm getting used to saying 'Max'.

LORELAI

W- you don't see him that much outside school.

RORY

No, but I probably will since you guys are obsessed with each other.

LORELAI

Yeah, well I wouldn't say 'obsessed'.

RORY

No. It's ok, I mean of all the guys to have hanging around, he seems like a good choice. I like him.

LORELAI

Good, well that's good.

RORY

So what do you think about the skating?

LORELAI

What?

RORY

Mr. Medina - I'm sorry, Max? Do you think he'd wanna go?

LORELAI

I don't think he skates. (to Luke) Thanks.

RORY

Well maybe we could all do something else together.

LORELAI

Yeah, good. Something else is good. I love something else.

SOOKIE

Ok, tea is ready. How are the feet?

LORELAI

I don't know. They stopped talking to me.

SOOKIE

What on earth were you thinking?

LORELAI

That I could still skate.

SOOKIE

It's not like riding a bike you know.

LORELAI

Now you tell me.

SOOKIE

So, (sitting at table) what are you up to tonight.

LORELAI

Well, I'm going to do a little line dancing, then run a 10K, then just jump up and down really hard for about an hour.

SOOKIE

No Max?

LORELAI

No.

SOOKIE

Taking a night off?

LORELAI

I don't seem him every night Sookie.

SOOKIE

He seems like a great guy.

LORELAI

He is.

SOOKIE

That didn't sound very convincing.

LORELAI

No, he is. He is a great guy - for someone.

SOOKIE

For someone?

LORELAI

Yes.

SOOKIE

Someone else?

LORELAI

Yes.

SOOKIE

Someone else who is not you although you're the person spending every waking hour with him.

LORELAI

Right.

SOOKIE

Aha. How long have you been dating?

LORELAI

Why?

SOOKIE

Two months you've been seeing him right?

LORELAI

Point Sookie?

SOOKIE

Mmm. Just right on schedule that's all.

LORELAI

I have no idea what you're talking about.

SOOKIE

This is about the time you start doing you little getaway dance. Two months right on the nose - you're good.

LORELAI

I do not do a dance.

SOOKIE

You're cha-cha-cha-ing right now.

LORELAI

I'm not cha-cha-cha-ing. I'm being practical. Rory is starting to get attached to Max and that's not good.

SOOKIE

Oh Rory's getting attached to Max?

LORELAI

Yes and since I've decided that Max is probably not the guy for me, I think it's better that we break it off before she gets hurt.

SOOKIE

Practical

LORELAI

Yes.

SOOKIE

Uh, can I say something here?

LORELAI

Of course you can.

SOOKIE

Cha-cha-cha.

LORELAI

Stop that.

SOOKIE

(singing) Livin' la vida loca.

LORELAI

Sookie.

SOOKIE

Shake your bon-bon, shake your bon-bon.

LORELAI

Hey, you will not stand there singing Ricky Martin songs to me. This is not a pattern ok? I'm not doing what I always do. This is not the same.

SOOKIE

Actually you're right. Usually you don't get so upset and defensive during the cha-cha talk.

LORELAI

(painfully) Ah! (as Sookie pours hot water into foot basin)

SOOKIE

You must really like this guy.

LORELAI

When did you become the relationship expert? You haven't been in a relationship in years. (Sookie looks sad as Lorelai realizes what she said). Wow! Zero to jackass in 3.2 seconds.

SOOKIE

That's alright, your feet hurt.

LORELAI

No it isn't. It's never ever ok for me to talk to you like that. I'm so so sorry. Please honey.

SOOKIE

(sighs) I understand - really. You know it's not like I don't want a relationship.

LORELAI

I know. I didn't mean anything by it.

SOOKIE

(sighs) It's just - it's hard with my hours. I'm always at the inn, or at the market or at the hospital.

LORELAI

Please - forgive me. Do you wanna...sing some more Ricky Martin to me?

SOOKIE

No.

LORELAI

You can you know - I deserver it.

SOOKIE

(quietly) 'She's into superstition, black cats and voodoo dolls. (louder) I've got a premonition, that girl's gonna make me fall.' (imitates guitar tunes)

TRISTIN

You know I heard that Paris' dad's actually got a second family in Paris.

GUY

Whoa.

TRISTIN

Yeah.

MAX

Uh, Rory?

RORY

Hey Mr. Medina.

MAX

I enjoyed your paper on Dickenson.

RORY

I had fun writing it.

MAX

It showed.

RORY

Thanks.

MAX

You're welcome (Rory turns to go) Um, Rory?

RORY

Yeah?

MAX

No, that's it. That's all I wanted to say.

RORY

My name?

MAX

Yes.

RORY

Ok.

MAX

Actually I just wanted to see if Lore- (looks around) if your mom is coming to parent's day.

RORY

Oh well...

MAX

Cause I'm just trying to get an accurate number of parents who are coming - you know for the cookie count.

MAX

Forget it. (sighing)

RORY

She's coming.

MAX

(relieved) I hadn't heard from her for a while about it and -

RORY

She'll be here.

MAX

Ok, good. Good.

RORY

But you should put us down for four.

MAX

Four what?

RORY

Four cookies.

MAX

Ok, good. I will.

RORY

Bye.

LORELAI

Four slices pepperoni pizza.

RORY

From?

LORELAI

Tuesday?

RORY

Last Tuesday?

LORELAI

The Tuesday in the not so distant past.

RORY

Toss it. (sits at table) So you remember Paris Geller.

LORELAI

Your very best friend in the whole world?

RORY

Her parents are getting a major divorce.

LORELAI

Really.

RORY

Her dad's like this big wig at a huge pharmaceutical company and they're printing all the sordid details about it in the paper.

LORELAI

Ooh how sordid?

RORY

Well, it's not the Rich James incident, but Hugh Grant should be feeling pretty good about himself.

LORELAI

If she was anyone else in the entire universe I might feel bad for her.

RORY

Actually I kind of do feel bad for her.

LORELAI

That's because you are the nicest kid ever to walk the earth.

RORY

The whole school's talking about it. And the weird thing is that the whole dynamics there has changed for me.

LORELAI

Really? How so? (gets up to go towards fridge)

RORY

Well, Madeline and Louise, Paris' best friends, they said hello to me the other day.

LORELAI

Really? Like a normal hello? Not like a 'Here's Johnny' kind of hello?

RORY

Normal, friendly, no acts.

LORELAI

Wow, you're the new 'Heather'

RORY

I guess.

LORELAI

Oh, hey, this is the pizza from mystery Tuesday. That one's completely fine (pointing to the one in the garbage bin.)

RORY

Don't.

LORELAI

It's in the box!

RORY

Oscar!

LORELAI

Felix!

RORY

Forget it!

LORELAI

Fine.

RORY

So how's 'Swann's Way' coming.

LORELAI

Oh finished.

RORY

You're kidding! It took me forever to read that. I had to renew it 10 times.

LORELAI

The first sentence - I finished the first sentence.

RORY

Aha.

LORELAI

Yeah - it's just - I'm so swamped right now you know, it's the totally wrong time to start reading the longest book known to man. Hey maybe you could give it back to Max for me?

RORY

Just bring it with you tomorrow.

LORELAI

Tomorrow?

RORY

Parent's day?

LORELAI

I know (she didn't) I'm just - I'm not sure I'm going to be able to make it.

RORY

What do you mean?

LORELAI

Well I have that thing at the inn and I thought I could get away and now I can't.

RORY

What thing?

LORELAI

The thing - the inn thing?

RORY

What inn thing?

LORELAI

You know.

RORY

No I don't.

LORELAI

The thing at the inn with the flags and the little men and the peanuts - the thing.

RORY

Little men?

LORELAI

Forget it, it's not important - I just don't think I can go.

RORY

Ok, fine.

LORELAI

So, if you could give this book back to Max tomorrow - that would be great.

RORY

Why don't you just give it back to him the next time you see him.

LORELAI

Because I'm not sure when that would be and he should have his book. (getting a bit upset)

RORY

You see him all the time.

LORELAI

Rory, could you just (drops book on table) give it back to him ok?

RORY

Are you breaking up with him?

LORELAI

What are you talking about?

RORY

Well he hasn't heard from you and now you're asking me to give him the book back.

LORELAI

How do you know he hasn't heard from me?

RORY

He wanted to know if you were going to Parent's day and then he mentioned that you guys hadn't talked lately.

LORELAI

He shouldn't be asking you about me.

RORY

Why are you breaking up with him?

LORELAI

Because it's not working out.

RORY

But you seemed so happy.

LORELAI

It's not right - that's all.

RORY

So that's why you're not going tomorrow?

LORELAI

No, I'm not going tomorrow because of the thing at the inn.

RORY

That's crap and you know it (upset)

LORELAI

Hey -

RORY

There is no thing at the inn, you're avoiding Mr. Medina and you're trying to lie to me and you promised you would go and - hey, do whatever you want. I don't care, just leave me out of it. And give him the book back yourself. (Rory goes to her room and slams the door.)

LORELAI

Fine I will. (takes the pizza out of garbage.)

LORELAI

Hey, not so fast.

RORY

The bell's gonna ring.

LORELAI

Before you go one more step - tell me you like me?

RORY

You bug me.

LORELAI

I'll take that as a yes. And I want you to know that I will deal with my issues with Max myself.

RORY

Fine.

LORELAI

Really.

RORY

I believe you.

LORELAI

So where are we going?

RORY

To my locker to drop off some of this stuff.

LORELAI

Great, let's do it.

PARIS

You can't just leave now.

MOM

Paris please.

PARIS

At least come to my lit class.

MOM

This place is giving me a headache.

PARIS

Mom.

MOM

Is your face breaking out?

PARIS

No.

MOM

You have not being using that cleanser have you? Now Dr. Yanalari prescribed that cleanser for a reason - to cleanse.

PARIS

Just lit class.

MOM

Paris with everything I have going on right now the last thing I need to do is face a bunch of bored people who are gossiping about me. I'll see you later at home. Use that cover stick I got you.

LORELAI

I bet I'm looking pretty good to you right now.

RORY

Yes you are.

LORELAI

Hmm. So what's first? Wait don't tell me.

RORY

English lit with Mr. Max Medina.

LORELAI

Ok see I told you not to tell me.

RORY

Sorry

LORELAI

Mr. Medina's class huh?

RORY

The fancy book owner himself.

LORELAI

How does first annual mother/daughter ditch day sound?

RORY

Not happening.

LORELAI

Yeah yeah, ok - let's go.

MAX

On Monday we will start a two week of creative writing exercise, but that doesn't mean we stop reading. One of the greatest inspirations of working writers is the writing of other that they admire. Walt Whitman read Homer, Dante, Shakespeare. And the novelist Edna O'Brien has been quoted as saying 'that every writer should read some Proust every day' Now, at this point, normally I would impress the partens by pulling out a copy of Proust's 'Swann's Way' and reading a particularly difficult passage but alas, you're all saved. I have misplaced my copy. (bell rings) Oh that does is - parent's thanks for coming, students - papers on Whitman are due tomorrow and those of you who are just starting tonight - I'll be able to tell.

LORELAI

So you go on ahead ok? I'm going to talk to Max for a second.

RORY

Please be nice.

LORELAI

I will, I will.

LORELAI

(to Max) Hi.

MAX

Hi - it's nice to see you.

LORELAI

Yeah. I've been really busy.

MAX

Oh sure - I assumed.

LORELAI

I wanted to give this back to you.

MAX

Keep it.

LORELAI

I really liked it. I like the first 20 pages anyway, then I got busy and I can see you really need it so - (tries to give him the book)

MAX

What's going on Lorelai?

LORELAI

Nothing. I just don't think a book whose first sentence is 20 pages long is for me.

MAX

Well I left four messages

LORELAI

I know - I've been meaning to call.

MAX

What's been keeping you?

LORELAI

I don't know - things.

MAX

Uh huh.

LORELAI

Sorry.

MAX

Sorry?

LORELAI

That I didn't call.

MAX

Ok.

LORELAI

So - here. (tries to give him book again)

MAX

Why do you keep on trying to give me the book?

LORELAI

Because it's yours.

MAX

Is there something going on here that I don't know about?

LORELAI

Yeah, uh I hate Proust.

MAX

Lorelai?

LORELAI

Look, um Rory's out there waiting for me so... (tries to give him book again)

MAX

Wa-wait a minute...Oh my God! I cannot believe what an idiot I am.

LORELAI

What?

MAX

You're breaking up with me aren't you?

LORELAI

I don't know.

MAX

Not only are you breaking up with me, you're doing it really badly.

LORELAI

Am I being graded?

MAX

No, I'm a little disappointed. I would've expected a better dumping from you.

LORELAI

Nobody's dumping anyone.

MAX

Really? Then what is this?

LORELAI

I just need space.

MAX

Well I don't. In fact I want as little space as possible. 100 clowns crammed into a Volkswagen. That's the kind of non-space I'm talking about.

LORELAI

It's not working.

MAX

It was working pretty good the other night.

LORELAI

Look it is what I've been trying to tell you all along. This is a family. Rory and I, you walked into a family, but you weren't listening and now she's getting attached and I'm afraid she's gonna get hurt.

MAX

So you solution to all of this is not to return my calls

LORELAI

It just took me a while to figure things out and it all came clear when I realized how much we could hurt Rory.

MAX

Don't you mean how much we could hurt Lorelai?

LORELAI

Hey - I can take care of myself.

MAX

I don't understand this. I thought we went through this. W-we decided she could handle it.

LORELAI

Well maybe she can and maybe she can't. I'm not ready to find out.

MAX

I'm not going to let you off that easily.

LORELAI

Well there's nothing you can do about it.

MAX

There has to be.

LORELAI

There isn't.

MAX

There is.

LORELAI

Well no there isn't.

MAX

Yes there is.

LORELAI

What are we in high school? Well I know we are in a high school.

MAX

This is so not you.

LORELAI

Well, you don't know everything about me.

MAX

I guess not, because I would've thought that blaming this all on Rory and giving me these lame apologies was weak, pathetic and beneath you.

LORELAI

Just take you damn book

MAX

You've missed me.

LORELAI

Stop it.

MAX

I know you did, you're missing me right now aren't you?

MAX

Answer me.

LORELAI

Look class is over -

MAX

Well we're back in session.

LORELAI

Well I didn't raise my hand so don't call on me! I came here to give you this book back, please take it.

MAX

I swear to God if you try to give me that book one more time...

RORY

What's going on?

PARIS

Oh, everyone's just talking about the mom that Mr. Medina was seen kissing just now.

RORY

What?

PARIS

And the weird thing is - she looks a lot like your mom.

RORY

What are you talking about?

PARIS

Your mom - Mr. Medina, mouths open. I saw them. How's the coleslaw? Good? (walks away)

LORELAI

Hey, did you save me some jello?

LORELAI

What? (follows Rory out) Rory?! Hey where are you gong?

RORY

Were you kissing him?

LORELAI

What?

RORY

Mr. Medina, just now, were you kissing him?

LORELAI

Yes.

RORY

What the hell is wrong with you?

LORELAI

I don't know.

RORY

You said you were breaking up with him.

LORELAI

I was.

RORY

I know I told you to be nice to him but this was a little extreme don't you think?

LORELAI

It wasn't supposed to happen.

RORY

Paris saw you! It's all over the school!!

LORELAI

Oh God - oh Rory, I'm so sorry. I really am. See this is exactly why I didn't want to date him.

RORY

You didn't want to date him so you wouldn't come to my school and kiss him and humiliate me?

LORELAI

Yes that's exactly it.

RORY

Why would you do this?

LORELAI

Because I'm human, because I screwed up. I'm sorry.

RORY

If you like him so much then why are you breaking up with him?

LORELAI

Look, I broke the rules when I brought him into our lives and I realize now that that was a very bad idea.

RORY

But why?

LORELAI

Why?! Because we are standing in this stairwell yelling at each other that's why! Because it's affecting you, it's seeping into your life and that is the whole reason I made these rules in the first place. Is-is to protect you!

RORY

You know what, maybe it was a good idea that you hid your personal life from me when I was a kid but I'm not a kid anymore.

LORELAI

No, you're right. You're a 40 year old divorcee - my mistake.

RORY

Ugh! I can't believe you're blaming this on me!

LORELAI

I'm not blaming you!

RORY

You made up these stupid rules years ago about the way the Gilmore women would run their lives and now you're sticking to them even though they're crazy!

LORELAI

Oh hey my crazy, stupid rules are the reason we're doing so good in our lives. They're the reason you grew up the way you did, the reason you're even in this school and the reason you're going to go to Harvard so don't you dismiss my rules.

RORY

Fine! Great! Well, maybe it's time for the rules to change!

LORELAI

Yes, well that's for me to figure out, not you!

RORY

Great! Fine! Well could you figure it out before French class because I'd rather you didn't start making out with Mrs. Collins.

LORELAI

Hey no promises until I see what she looks like!

LORELAI

Look, let's just refrain from fighting in front of the grandmother ok?

RORY

Fine with me.

LORELAI

The last thing I need tonight is a confrontation with my mother

LORELAI

Hi mom, boy the roads were a mess out there tonight. (entering)

GRANDMA

Rory go upstairs please.

RORY

Is everything ok?

GRANDMA

I have to talk to your mother, please go upstairs.

RORY

Well -

GRANDMA

Now Rory.

GRANDMA

(walks into living room) Lorelai come here!

LORELAI

Gee mom, did I do something wrong?

GRANDMA

I try to understand you, I truly do. But sometimes your behaviour baffles me beyond belief.

LORELAI

And which behaviour is this?

GRANDMA

Do you have no shame?

LORELAI

Is that intended as a rhetorical question or - ?

GRANDMA

Rory goes to school in that place, she has a reputation to protect. You're her mother.

LORELAI

How did you -

GRANDMA

You're supposed to shield her from shame not cause it.

LORELAI

Oh mom?

GRANDMA

Kissing a teacher...in a classroom...on parent's day!!!

LORELAI

Well...they wanted us to get more involved with the school.

GRANDMA

Are you insane?

LORELAI

No but you are if you think I'm discussing this with you.

GRANDMA

When I heard I almost fainted.

LORELAI

How did you hear mom?

GRANDMA

I have friends Lorelai. Headmaster Charleston's wife for one.

LORELAI

Oh, that's great.

GRANDMA

The entire school is talking about it. And what do I say, how do I defend this?

LORELAI

It was a mistake.

GRANDMA

A mistake? A mistake? Is that what you call it a mistake?

LORELAI

Well I tried to call it 'Al' but it would only answer to 'mistake'.

GRANDMA

A mistake is when you throw out your credit card bill - a mistake is when you forget to RSVP to a dinner party - a mistake is when the gardeners miss trash day and the barrels are full for a week. This my girl, was not a mistake! Do you even know this man?

LORELAI

Ah, no, this is the first time I'd seen him and I don't know, there was just something about the way he held the chalk and -

GRANDMA

This is not the time for your jokes.

LORELAI

Yes I knew him. I've been dating him.

GRANDMA

Why on earth would you date Rory's teacher?

LORELAI

That's none of your business.

GRANDMA

It most certainly is.

LORELAI

How do you figure that?

GRANDMA

When it affects my granddaughter it becomes my business.

LORELAI

I don't want to talk about this with you!

GRANDMA

I just want to know what you were thinking. What was the reasoning? How on earth did you justify it to yourself?

LORELAI

Max is a great guy. An amazing guy! He's smart, he's sweet (teary) he cooks.

GRANDMA

So you decided to kiss him in your daughter's school.

LORELAI

No, I decided to breakup with him in my daughter's school and the kissing part just happened.

GRANDMA

You always let your emotions get in the way. That's the problem with you Lorelai - you don't think.

LORELAI

Mom - please.

GRANDMA

He's just a man Lorelai.

LORELAI

No he's not.

GRANDMA

Oh so what are you telling me. That this was all worth it because he was the love of you life, that this was the man for you.

LORELAI

I don't know. He might have been. Excuse me (leaves room)

LOUISE

See, I told you he wouldn't date a teacher.

PARIS

I wish my mom would sleep with my teacher, it would make midterms a lot easier.

RORY

Madeline, Louise, would you excuse us for a minute?

LOUISE

Ooh cat fight.

RORY

Go.

PARIS

You're not going to kiss me are you? (smiling)

RORY

What's wrong with you?

PARIS

Nothing I'm great.

RORY

You've just spent the past two weeks with all of your family's private problems printed in the newspaper for everyone to read and talk about. I saw how you walked around here! I saw how much you hated it. And then you turn around and pull something like this? Doesn't that seem crazy to you? Do you have any idea how many people you've hurt? Forget me and my mom, what about Mr. Medina? He likes you, he encourages you. He hold up your papers and tells the class how great you are. And then you turn around and spread stories about him. (pause). Whatever, forget it. You have no idea what I'm talking about. (grabs her stuff and starts to leave)

PARIS

I do like Mr. Medina.

RORY

Well I'd take some dance lessons cause the way you express yourself needs a little work.

PARIS

I...probably shouldn't have told people what I saw.

RORY

No you shouldn't have.

PARIS

I'm sorry...things have been...well...not good lately.

RORY

I know.

PARIS

I just didn't want them talking about me anymore, that's all.

RORY

Well, it worked.

PARIS

Yeah.

RORY

You know, i-if you want to talk -

PARIS

Hey, we are not friends.

RORY

Oh that I know. But if you ever do...want to talk about -

PARIS

I will, if I want to.

RORY

Ok.

PARIS

But I probably won't.

RORY

That's fine.

PARIS

But if I do -

RORY

I'm around.

PARIS

Ok. I'm going now.

RORY

Bye.

PARIS

Bye. (Paris starts to leave and turns around)

PARIS

I doubt I will.

RORY

I'm not holding my breath. (sighs and leaves)

JACKSON

There - squash blossoms. All large enough for you to stuff and fry up and serve to the desensitize masses who just want what they know. Hurrah!! Mediocrity wins again!!

SOOKIE

Jackson?

JACKSON

You know what, I'm not even gonna charge you for these. I am not going to profit off the death of creativity. I would rather starve myself than know that my food was paid for by the lowered expectations of the American public. (starts to leave)

SOOKIE

Jackson?

JACKSON

What?!

SOOKIE

Would you like to go to dinner sometimes...with me?

JACKSON

Ok.

SOOKIE

Ok.

MAX

Thanks (to waiter)

LORELAI

Hey Mister, wanna buy a really nice copy of Proust?

MAX

How ya doing?

LORELAI

Hmm. Well you know. You?

MAX

Well you know it also.

LORELAI

So that parent's day is fun.

MAX

Oh, it was a big hit this year (both laugh a little)

LORELAI

Look, the other day, we were going skating, and Rory said "Why don't we invite Max to come along with us" and that was a little weird for me.

MAX

Me too. I don't skate.

LORELAI

She's never really referred to anyone I've dated by their first name before. I always kept her out of that part of my life, so it was like "the mustache guy", "the earring guy", "the peg leg guy".

MAX

Oh so you have a thing for pirates.

LORELAI

She never called anyone by their name before. She likes you. She likes us. So my mind instantly went to "Oh my God, what if we break up, she'll be crushed" and then my next thought was "Oh my God, what if we break up, I'll be crushed". And then as you know all hell broke loose.

MAX

I understand.

LORELAI

I freaked out. I'm so sorry. I never meant to treat you like that, I'm not very good at this, ask Skippy.

MAX

Skippy?

LORELAI

(shaking her head) I'm so so sorry.

MAX

I was called into headmaster Charleston's office today.

LORELAI

Let me guess. He put his arm around you and said "I don't understand why you crazy kids can't work this out?"

MAX

He said that I was jeopardizing my career and future at Chilton.

LORELAI

Oh!

MAX

At first I was incensed, outraged and "How dare he?!". And then I realized that he was right. What happened the other day was completely unprofessional. I never in my life would've considered pulling off something like this. He should've fired me.

LORELAI

But he didn't.

MAX

Not yet, but the word 'probation' was tossed around quite a bit though.

LORELAI

I'm sorry.

MAX

I'm the one that started the kiss.

LORELAI

And I'm the one that knocked it up to NC-17.

MAX

I honestly did not think that this was going to be so complicated.

LORELAI

I know.

MAX

I mean you told it would be. I didn't listen, I didn't want to.

LORELAI

It's not your fault. If I hadn't acted like a two year old and tried to run away and pretend that you weren't what you are to me, then we wouldn't have fought, we wouldn't have kissed, I wouldn't have humiliated my daughter and the whole thing would've been fine.

MAX

(sighs) I do not know what to do here. I-I've never been in a relationship like this before. I'm not thinking straight.

LORELAI

I know, me either.

MAX

That was a great kiss.

LORELAI

Beyond great.

MAX

Maybe we need to take a little time away from each other.

LORELAI

Ok. (upset)

MAX

You know, just to figure out how to do this so it's not so hard.

LORELAI

Sure...that makes sense.

MAX

I just - I don't have any other answers right now.

LORELAI

No you're right. You're absolutely right. (pause) I really really like you Max Medina

MAX

I really really like you Lorelai Gilmore.

LORELAI

Well, as long as we got that straightened out.

MAX

Goodbye Lorelai (gets up and leaves)

LORELAI

(whispers) Bye.

RORY

Mom! Mom, I'm home!

RORY

Mom?