T1E9: “Rory’s Dance”

EMILY

Your grandfather called last night and told me to let you know he's bringing you back something very special from Prague.

RORY

Wow, Prague. How amazing is it that he's going to Prague?

EMILY

It's supposed to be lovely, very dramatic castles everywhere.

RORY

Did you know the cell that Václav Havel was held in is now a hostel? You can stay there for like $50 a night.

RORY

Hey, maybe on our big trip to Europe we could go to Prague and stay in his cell.

LORELAI

Absolutely. And then we can go to Turkey and stay in that place from Midnight Express.

EMILY

Lorelai, what are you doing?

LORELAI

Getting rid of the avacado.

EMILY

Since when do you not like avacado?

LORELAI

Since the day I said, "Gross. What is this?" and you said, "Avacado."

EMILY

(to Rory) I'm focusing on you now. Tell me all about the Chilton formal next week.

LORELAI

There's a formal?

RORY

How do you know about the formal?

LORELAI

Yeah, how do you know about the formal?

EMILY

I read my Chilton newsletter.

LORELAI

Since when do you get a Chilton newsletter?

EMILY

Well as a major contributor to Rory's education I figured I had the right to ask for a newsletter to be sent to my house.

LORELAI

Are you serious?

EMILY

And it's a good thing, too, since you don't bother to read yours. One of us should be up to date on the goings-on at Rory's school.

LORELAI

Hey, Mom, I read my newsletter.

EMILY

You did?

LORELAI

That's right.

EMILY

What was the picture on the cover?

LORELAI

(uncertainly) It was a picture of a really rich kid in plaid.

EMILY

(shows Lorelai the cover) It was a spotted owl.

LORELAI

In plaid.

EMILY

The owls are endangered and Chilton is taking donations to help them. (to Rory) You gave a very nice one, in case you're interested.

LORELAI

Mom, don't be giving donations on Rory's behalf. I'll do that.

EMILY

How can you do that when you don't bother to read the newsletter?

LORELAI

I read the newsletter.

EMILY

You didn't know they were taking donations.

LORELAI

It's a private school. They're always taking donations. They teach a class in it. I'll get them next time.

EMILY

Well what about the owls?

LORELAI

They'll live.

EMILY

Well apparently they won't, dear. That's why they need the donations in the first place.

LORELAI

(to Rory) So, you have a formal coming up?

RORY

Yeah, but I don't think I'm going to go.

EMILY

Nonsense. Of course you're going.

LORELAI

Mom, if Rory doesn't want to go she doesn't have to go.

EMILY

Well I don't understand why she wouldn't want to go.

LORELAI

I know you don't.

RORY

I'm gonna go get another Coke.

EMILY

What did you say to her?

LORELAI

What are you talking about?

EMILY

If she doesn't want to go it must be because of something you said.

LORELAI

Mom, I promise. All I ever said to her about dances is that you go, you dance, you have punch, you eat, you take a picture, and then you get auctioned off to a biker gang from Sausalito.

EMILY

Lorelai, this is serious.

LORELAI

Mom, I said nothing, OK? Rory's disdain of formals is totally her own. Let's just drop it, please.

EMILY

Fine.

LORELAI

Fine.

EMILY

What's wrong with the tomato?

LORELAI

It was fraternizing with the enemy.

LORELAI

Why didn't you mention the dance?

RORY

'Cause I'm not going.

LORELAI

Oh. But why aren't you going?

RORY

'Cause I hate dances.

LORELAI

Good answer. Except you've never actually been to a dance.

RORY

So?

LORELAI

So you really have nothing to compare it to.

RORY

No, but I can imagine it.

LORELAI

That's true. However, not really, since you've never actually been to one you're basing all your dance opinions on one midnight viewing of Sixteen Candles.

RORY

So?

LORELAI

So you should have a decent reason for hating something before you really decide you hate it.

RORY

Trust me, I'll hate it. It'll be stuffy and boring, the music will suck and since none of the kids at school like me, I'll be stuck in the back listening to 98° watching Tristin and Paris argue over which one of them gets to make me miserable first.

LORELAI

OK. Or it'll be all sparkly and exciting and you'll be standing on the dance floor listening to Tom Waits with some great-looking guy staring at you so hard that you don't even realize that Paris and Tristin have just been eaten by bears.

RORY

What guy?

LORELAI

I don't know -- maybe the guy who hangs out in our trees all day waiting for you to come home?

RORY

Dean does not hang out in trees.

LORELAI

He bashed his head on a branch last week when I came out of the house too quickly.

RORY

Why do you care all of sudden if I go?

LORELAI

I don't care if you go. I just don't want you to miss any experience because you're too afraid.

RORY

I'm afraid? Of what?

LORELAI

Of asking Dean. Of him saying 'no.' Of going to a dance with a bunch of kids who haven't accepted you yet. Of dancing in public. Of finding out you should never be dancing in public.

RORY

OK, OK, I get it.

LORELAI

Listen, I know you are not Miss Party Girl, and I love you for that, but sometimes I wonder -- do you not join in because you really don't want to or because you're too shy? If the reason you don't want to go is because you really don't want to go and not because you are in any way afraid, then this is the last time I'll mention it, I promise.

RORY

(uncertainly) I don't have a dress.

LORELAI

I could make you one.

RORY

Really?

LORELAI

Oh yeah. We could get some great shoes and some new earrings. You could get your hair done.

RORY

You won't think I'm an idiot?

LORELAI

Depends on what hairstyle you choose. This dance could be great for you.

RORY

He's gonna say no.

LANE

Why would he say no.

RORY

Why would he say yes?

LANE

Rory, listen to me. There's absolutely no point in having a boyfriend if you can't get him to go to the dance with you.

RORY

He's not my boyfriend.

LANE

Really?

RORY

No.

LANE

What is he then?

RORY

He's my...gentleman caller.

LANE

OK, Blanche.

RORY

I don't know what he is. But he's not my boyfriend. Do you think he's my boyfriend.

LANE

I think you guys spend a lot of time not kissing other people if this isn't a girlfriend/boyfriend thing.

RORY

Girlfriend.

LANE

You.

RORY

Boyfriend.

LANE

Him.

RORY

No. It sounds weird.

LANE

Look, have you had the talk yet?

RORY

Yes, Lane, babies come from the stork.

LANE

The other talk.

RORY

What other other talk?

LANE

"We've been dating a few weeks no. Where do we stand? What are we to each other? If another girls asks you out, do you feel free to go?"

RORY

How is it that you know so much about this?

LANE

Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.

LANE

There he is.

RORY

I should do this later.

LANE

No. No, you have to do this now.

RORY

Why?

LANE

Because I have to go home soon and my mom threw out our TV when she caught me watching V.I.P. So I'm bored and I need some entertainment.

RORY

(takes a deep breath) OK. Here I go.

LANE

Good luck! Oh, and Rory, remember to enunciate. I'm reading lips out here.

RORY

Hey.

DEAN

Oh, hey.

RORY

You're busy.

DEAN

Yeah. I just have to put the new green bean shipment on the shelves. You want to help?

RORY

Yeah, sure. I, uh, I love stocking beans.

DEAN

OK. Uh, follow me.

RORY

So do you work on Saturdays? I forget.

DEAN

Well it depends. Sometimes I come in if I don't have any plans. Why?

RORY

No reason. See, there's this thing at my school on Saturday. Well it's not really at my school, it's kind of given by my school .

DEAN

What is it?

RORY

Well it's this thing where you go and they play music and you're supposed to get all dressed up and do some kind of dance and then there's chicken.

DEAN

Chicken?

RORY

Well I don't know if there's chicken. But at these kinds of things they often serve chicken because it's probably cheaper and people eat it, so the logic behind the chicken choice really isn't that bad.

DEAN

I'm lost

RORY

It's a dance.

DEAN

Ah.

RORY

And it's not like I'm dying to go or anything, but it is a new school and being a part of the social activities is really important at Chilton.

DEAN

So are you asking me to go to the dance with you?

RORY

No. Yes. I mean, if you wanted to go, I would go too.

DEAN

Well that would probably be good since it's your school.

RORY

Right. So do you want to go?

DEAN

Honestly?

RORY

Yeah.

DEAN

I've actually never gone to a dance before.

RORY

Because they're lame?

DEAN

Yeah. And it's just not the way I ever wanted to spend my time. I mean, I'm not a big joiner.

RORY

OK, fair enough. More beans please.

DEAN

You want to go, don't you?

RORY

No. I don't. I have no desire to go at all. I was just thinking out loud, that's all.

DEAN

So, uh, what would I have to wear?

RORY

What?

DEAN

To this dance. What would I have to wear?

RORY

Anything you want.

DEAN

Come on.

RORY

No, really whatever you're comfortable in is fine.

DEAN

Rory...

RORY

Some sort of pants would be nice.

DEAN

Rory...

RORY

It's coat and tie.

DEAN

Oh man.

RORY

But you could probably get away with a coat and no tie.

DEAN

OK

RORY

Really?

DEAN

Yeah.

RORY

Thank you.

DEAN

You're welcome.

LORELAI

Aaaah!

LORELAI

Ow.

SOOKIE

Extra thread.

LORELAI

Oh, God bless. I've been working so hard to finish Rory's dress I haven't been to get out.

SOOKIE

Jeez, you are walking funny.

LORELAI

I know. Rory's dress made a pass at me and I think I pulled something getting up.

SOOKIE

Here, sit, sit sit. Hey, you know what, I've got an Ace bandage in my bag. I'm not sure how we can wrap it but maybe we can do something kind of creative and --

LORELAI

Sookie. Ow

SOOKIE

Let's see.

LORELAI

Wow!

SOOKIE

OK, I've got Percodan, Vicodin, Darvocet, and, uh...Take this one. It's a muscle relaxer. Very mild, I promise.

LORELAI

Thanks. Maybe later.

SOOKIE

OK. I've got to go. You sure you're going to be OK?

LORELAI

I'm sure.

SOOKIE

OK.

LORELAI

Bye.

SOOKIE

Bye.

LORELAI

Yeah.

EMILY

You sound terrible.

LORELAI

I'm fine, Mom, I just stubbed my toe.

EMILY

Maybe you should get rid of some of that clutter in your living room.

LORELAI

Maybe

EMILY

That room is a hazard.

LORELAI

Ah, you know, I've seen the light. Everything goes. What else have you got?

EMILY

I want to talk about Rory's dance. It's just killing me that she's not going.

LORELAI

Uh-huh.

EMILY

It may seem frivolous and silly to her now but belive me, these are the kind of experiences you regret missing later.

LORELAI

OK.

EMILY

And regret can make you bitter. Do you want Rory to be bitter?

LORELAI

Well, sort of.

EMILY

Lorelai.

LORELAI

What, Mom? She can make some cash off of it. Become a crazy Oscar Levant kind of celebrity, go on talk shows, heckle Regis.

EMILY

I wish you would take this seriously.

LORELAI

Mom, Rory is going to the dance.

EMILY

She is?

LORELAI

Uh-huh.

EMILY

Oh, that's wonderful. I'm thrilled.

LORELAI

I'm making her dress right now.

EMILY

You're making her dress?

LORELAI

Yep.

EMILY

But why?

LORELAI

Well, so she'll look really ugly and people will point and throw rocks.

EMILY

Why don't you let me buy her a dress?

LORELAI

Mom, you were thrilled five seconds ago, remember?

EMILY

You're not using the curtains are you?

LORELAI

Mom, I gotta go.

EMILY

Just one more thing. Take a picture of Rory for me, will you please?

LORELAI

I will.

EMILY

On the stairs. And one by the front door. And one as she's getting ready, you know, putting her hair up, putting her makeup on?

LORELAI

OK, do you want one when she's shaving her legs? You know, one leg up in the tub, waving the disposable razor in the air?

EMILY

This is a once in a lifetime event. You get to be there and I don't.

LORELAI

Oh, boy.

EMILY

I figure if I got enough pictures I could at least line them up in chronological order and pretend I was there.

LORELAI

Mom.

EMILY

Maybe bind them together, make a flipbook out of them.

LORELAI

Mom, would you like to come over on Saturday and see Rory go to the dance?

EMILY

Why, what a nice idea, I'd love that, thank you. I'll see you at 7.

PARIS

Hi, Tristin.

TRISTIN

Paris.

PARIS

Two, I assume.

TRISTIN

You assume right.

PARIS

So, who are you taking?

TRISTIN

Why, are you free?

PARIS

I'm, uh...

TRISTIN

Nah, what am I thinking? You wouldn't be free this close to the dance.

PARIS

Here's your change.

TRISTIN

Hey, is your hair shorter?

PARIS

Yeah, a quarter of an inch.

TRISTIN

Really.

PARIS

I got it trimmed.

TRISTIN

Looks good.

PARIS

Thanks.

TRISTIN

And she's reading again. How novel.

RORY

Good-bye, Tristin.

TRISTIN

Did you get the novel thing? Because...

RORY

I said good-bye.

TRISTIN

What are you doing here?

RORY

I like lines.

TRISTIN

The guy's supposed to buy the tickets.

RORY

Really. Does Susan Faludi know about this?

TRISTIN

Unless of course there is no guy.

RORY

There's a guy.

TRISTIN

A cheap guy.

RORY

Well, what can I say? I like 'em cheap. Sloppy too -- bald spot, beer gut, you know, and the pants that kind of slip down in the back, giving you that good plumber shot. That sends me through the roof.

TRISTIN

So who is he?

RORY

How many languages can you say 'none of your business' in.

TRISTIN

Does he go to this school?

RORY

No, he doesn't.

TRISTIN

Uh-huh. Well, look, OK, I'll confess something to you. I don't have a date.

RORY

Well I hear Squeaky Fromme is up for parole soon. You should keep a good thought.

TRISTIN

Well I actually thought you'd like to go with me.

RORY

You did not.

TRISTIN

I did too.

RORY

You did not because you are not stupid.

TRISTIN

Why thank you.

RORY

Slimy and weasely, yes, but stupid, no. You'd have to be stupid to think that, given our history, I would ever, barring a piano or a safe falling on my head, want to go anywhere with you, ever.

TRISTIN

OK, fine. I'll take Cissy.

RORY

I'll send her a condolence card.

TRISTIN

Yeah. Well at least she won't be buying her own ticket.

RORY

Two, please.

PARIS

Idiot.

RORY

Excuse me?

PARIS

He was totally nice to you and you couldn't be a bigger jerk.

RORY

You like Tristin so much, you go out with him.

PARIS

I don't have enough change.

RORY

Pay me later.

PARIS

What am I, your Versateller? Wait for change. (yells at the boy sitting next to her) I need change! Now! (to Rory) There's no way you're going with someone better than Tristin.

RORY

Whatever.

PARIS

You probably don't even have a date. You're probably going to come down with some very rare form of flu that only hits losers on dance night.

RORY

You know what? I don't want my change. Money makes people shallow.

PARIS

I've got your change. Hey! Hey! If you think I'm keepig this dollar, I'm not!

BOY

I'll take it.

PARIS

Shut up!

LORELAI

(calls to Rory) Come on already!

RORY

(from her room) I'm primping.

LORELAI

You're 16. You have skin like a baby's ass. There's nothing to primp.

RORY

OK, OK, here I come.

LORELAI

Wow. Someone hit you with a pretty stick.

RORY

This dress is amazing. You outdid yourself.

LORELAI

It's beautiful, babe, you look beautiful. Come here.

RORY

What?

LORELAI

Stray hair.

RORY

Fix, please.

LORELAI

Yes. Hm. I think my favorite part is the shoes.

RORY

The heels hurt.

LORELAI

Well, beauty is pain

RORY

I'll just throw them on on my way out

LORELAI

No, you should put them on now and let your feet get really numb.

RORY

That's sick.

LORELAI

Go get me the hair spray.

RORY

OK.

LORELAI

It's open!

SOOKIE

It's me! I got tacos!

LORELAI

Yay!

SOOKIE

I got extra hot sauce and a couple of extra burritos to put in the fridge in case you get hungry later.

LORELAI

You take such good care of me.

RORY

Hey, Sookie. Look.

SOOKIE

(gasps) Oh my God! You're a movie star! I'm serious. Oh my -- At some point tonight, walk down a flight of stairs. Movie stars always walk down staircases.

LORELAI

OK, come on, let me spray while you try to figure out what she just said.

SOOKIE

You, don't move. I got it.

SOOKIE

Ow!

LORELAI

Sookie.

SOOKIE

Wrong way! I got it.

RORY

Are you OK?

SOOKIE

Yeah, sweetie, hand that to your mother, and my eyelashes are all stuck together.

LORELAI

Honey, are you sure you're alright?

SOOKIE

I'm fine.

LORELAI

(to Rory) Shield the tacos. OK, ready?

RORY

God!

LORELAI

OK, that will be good for six slow dances, four medium ones, one lambada, but if you plan on doing any moshing I suggest another coat.

RORY

I think I'm good.

SOOKIE

Rory, sweetie, is this soap by the sink in the silver bottle?

RORY

No!

LORELAI

Go in there, quick.

LORELAI

We're in here!

EMILY

We're in here? That's how you answer the door?

LORELAI

Well I was all out of Saran Wrap.

EMILY

I don't even want to figure that one out. I just want to see my granddaughter. Where is she?

LORELAI

Kitchen.

EMILY

Oh, perfect. I want to be all ready for the big entrance. How's the light in here? Never mind. I'll just take one with the flash and one without to make sure we got it right.

LORELAI

Wow, Mom, look at you. You'd think Anne Taylor was having a sale or something.

EMILY

OK, Rory, come in here please.

RORY

Hey, Grandma

EMILY

(to Lorelai) She has lived with you too long.

LORELAI

Honey, lose the bib and the taco, put your shoes on, come back out, and let Grandma take the pretty picture.

RORY

OK.

SOOKIE

I'm gonna get going.

LOREAI

You are not driving.

SOOKIE

I walked. (to the staircase) It was nice to see you again, Mrs. Gilmore, or at least make out your shape.

LORELAI

Call in fifteen minutes or I'm sending out a search party.

SOOKIE

(to the wall) And you call me if I can come over and help you up the stairs or something.

LORELAI

No, I'll be fine.

SOOKIE

Bye.

EMILY

Why would you need help up the stairs?

LORELAI

No reason. Rory, let's go, your public awaits!

EMILY

Why aren't you moving?

LORELAI

I'm comfortable, that's all.

EMILY

Are you hurt?

LORELAI

I have a little back spasm, that's it. It's no big deal.

EMILY

What sort of back spasm?

LORELAI

I don't know, Mom, just a normal one.

EMILY

There is nothing normal about a back spasm. The very fact that it has the word spasm in it means it's not normal.

LORELAI

Alright, here she is, Mom, get your camera moving.

EMILY

What? Oh, my, you're gorgeous. Oh! Smile!

EMILY

I'm so glad you decided to buy her a dress.

RORY

That's Dean!

LORELAI

Hey, come here. Have an amazing time.

RORY

I'll chronicle the whole evening for you, I promise. Bye, Grandma.

EMILY

Where are you going?

RORY

To the dance.

EMILY

You do not go running out the door when a boy honks.

LORELAI

Mom, it's fine.

EMILY

It certainly is not fine. This is not a drive through. She's not fried chicken.

RORY

But I told him to honk and I'd meet him out there. We agreed.

EMILY

I don't care what you told him. If he wants to take you out, he will walk up to this door, and know, and say 'good evening,' and come inside for a moment like any civilized human being would know to do.

LORELAI

Now, Mom, this is silly, I have met him already.

EMILY

Well I haven't.

LORELAI

Yeah, but--

EMILY

We will wait until he comes to the door.

RORY

He doesn't know he's supposed to.

EMILY

He will figure it out.

EMILY

He's not a very bright boy, is he?

LORELAI

Mom, please.

EMILY

Don't rush. A lady never rushes.

RORY

Hey.

DEAN

Hey, uh, I thought I was supposed to honk.

RORY

I know, I'm sorry.

EMILY

Young man, come in here please.

LORELAI

Hey, Dean, meet my mother, Emily Post.

EMILY

Emily Gilmore

DEAN

Hi.

EMILY

Hello.

LORELAI

Great rap session. Alright, you guys are out of here. Have fun.

EMILY

Be home by eleven

RORY

Bye Mom, by Grandma.

EMILY

What do you know about this boy?

LORELAI

I know that Rory likes him and that his parole officer has high hopes for his rehabilitation.

EMILY

Does he drink?

LORELAI

Like a fish.

EMILY

That's not a crazy question.

LORELAI

It is a crazy question, Mom, because if I had knowledge of him being a drinker, he would not be with Rory now.

EMILY

Yes, but--

LORELAI

Mom, please relax. Dean is a good kid. Rory's gonna have a great time. You got your pictures and tomorrow I will call you and give you all the details.

EMILY

What are you going to do?

LORELAI

What do you mean?

EMILY

Well you certainly can't be left alone.

LORELAI

Yes I can.

EMILY

You can barely move. You've been sitting on that couch since I got here.

LORELAI

That's because this is a right comfy couch.

EMILY

Maybe I should stay.

LORELAI

No, no, Mom, you really don't have to do that.

EMILY

I'm not leaving my daughter stranded on the couch. What if you need to get to the bathroom?

LORELAI

I don't go anymore, Mom. I gave it up cold turkey.

EMILY

I'm staying.

LORELAI

No, Mom...Look -- I can stand, OK?

LORELAI

See? I'm up. OK, see? I'm fine.

EMILY

Move.

LORELAI

What?

EMILY

Move. If you're fine, than move.

LORELAI

I can move. This is me moving. (nothing happens) Any second now the moving will begin. (nothing happens) Rats.

EMILY

I'll go start some tea. Please tell me you have something besides Lipton.

LORELAI

(muttering to herself) Oh, a stroke would be so good right about now.

RORY

Maybe we should just forget about this

DEAN

OK.

RORY

I mean, it's just a dance. What's the big deal?

DEAN

Beats me.

RORY

And these kids at my school -- awful. Have you seen The Outsiders?

DEAN

Yeah, I have.

RORY

Just call me Ponyboy. I heard this place is beautiful though -- old and historic.

DEAN

Huh.

RORY

Maybe we could just go in for a minute.

DEAN

Fine.

RORY

Or not.

DEAN

Fine too.

RORY

I don't know. Why can't I decide? This is stupid. What do you think?

DEAN

I think that you look amazing.

RORY

Maybe just a couple minutes won't hurt.

EMILY

Yes, Marta. Just make sure everything's locked up before you leave. (pause) No, I won't be home tonight.

EMILY

(to Lorelai) Was that a pain?

LORELAI

Yes. A big one.

EMILY

(to Marta) Alright. That's it. Bye.

LORELAI

So, Mom, you really, really don't have to do this.

EMILY

Don't be silly. I couldn't possibly leave you alone like this.

LORELAI

What are you doing, Mom?

EMILY

I'm trying to find the candlesticks I bought you.

LORELAI

What candlesticks?

EMILY

The Baccarat candlesticks I bought you last year for Christmas. I assumed you stuffed them in the back of the closet somewhere.

LORELAI

Uh, well, no, I did not stuff them in the back of the closet.

EMILY

Well then where are they? I don't see them out.

LORELAI

(hesitantly) Well, see, we didn't actually have a...big use for the crystal candlesticks so I kind of...exchanged them.

EMILY

For what?

LORELAI

A monkey lamp.

EMILY

Pardon me?

LORELAI

It's a lamp with a bunch of monkeys on it.

EMILY

Baccarat candlesticks for a moneky lamp?

LORELAI

They're really, really happy monkeys, Mom.

EMILY

Where is this lamp? I want to see it.

LORELAI

It's right there on the desk.

EMILY

Oh my God! They're holding coconuts and leering!

LORELAI

It's funny.

EMILY

You traded my lovely gift for for a semi-pornographic leering monkey lamp? How could you?

EMILY

This is not just about the bad breeding of returning a gift. This goes right to the heart of the question of taste. You were given something of substance and you cast it off for a ridiculous, slightly sinister barroom decoration. Explain this to me, Lorelai.

LORELAI

My back hurts.

RORY

Well it's a very good room.

DEAN

Looks historical.

RORY

I commend the person that suggested this very location.

DEAN

So, we could just get our picture taken and leave.

RORY

We could.

DEAN

Or we could dance a little first.

RORY

Yeah?

DEAN

I stress a little.

RORY

Something slow.

DEAN

That sounds good.

LOUISE

Can we go yet?

MADELINE

We haven't even eaten dinner.

LOUISE

I'm bored.

MADELINE

We have to wait for Paris anyway.

LOUISE

Fine. Give me your roll.

MADELINE

Wow.

LOUISE

What?

MADELINE

Rory Gilmore. God, she's got good hair.

LOUISE

Who's the dish?

MADELINE

Beats me.

LOUISE

He's not of the manor born, that's for sure. Let's go.

RORY

So, should we dance or should we sit first?

LOUISE

Rory...you came. Oh, great dress. Who's it by?

RORY

Lorelai Gilmore.

MADELINE

You made it yourself?

RORY

No, my mom made it for me.

MADELINE

(impressed) She did? Really?

RORY

Yeah.

LOUISE

So you traveling with a bodyguard now?

RORY

Oh, no. This is my -- this is Dean. Dean, this is Louise and Madeline.

DEAN

Hey.

MADELINE

My mom can't make anything.

LOUISE

(flirting) How tall are you?

DEAN

Uh...

MADELINE

Soup! She can make soup!

LOUISE

You know, my whole family is really tall. The men, mostly. What are you -- 6'1", 6'2"?

RORY

What, does he get like a prize if he guesses?

MADELINE

One kind of soup, actually. It's green, lumpy.

DEAN

I'm 6'2".

MADELINE

Actually, she can't make soup either.

LOUISE

Six-two's a good height.

DEAN

You think?

LOUISE

I think.

DEAN

Huh.

DEAN

What do you think? Too tall?

RORY

Not in heels.

DEAN

Good.

RORY

Although the saddle shoes make it kind of difficult.

DEAN

Well I'll just have to stoop then.

RORY

I guess so.

LOUISE

OK. I'm bored.

MADELINE

I like your dress.

RORY

Thanks.

RORY

Hey, you're nice.

DEAN

Slow song.

RORY

Let's go.

PARIS

Rory.

RORY

Paris.

PARIS

I see you came.

RORY

You sold me the ticket.

JACOB

I'm Jacob.

RORY

Hi, I'm Rory. This is Dean.

DEAN

Hi.

JACOB

Hi.

PARIS

Excuse us.

PARIS

Those are not friends.

JACOB

I was being polite.

PARIS

Well don't

DEAN

So, that's Paris?

RORY

Yes, it is.

DEAN

She seems fun.

RORY

Oh, yeah, she is.

DEAN

OK, so, this dancing thing is not something I want you to get used to or comment on.

RORY

Now, that goes both ways.

DEAN

Hey, if I kiss you is a nun gonna come out here and boot me out of here

RORY

It's not a Catholic school.

DEAN

So I can kiss you?

RORY

Yeah, you can kiss me.

CISSY

OK, I'm perfect now.

TRISTIN

(without enthusiasm) Great.

CISSY

You wanna dance?

TRISTIN

Nope.

CISSY

You wanna eat?

TRISTIN

Nope.

CISSY

You wanna go make out?

TRISTIN

Yeah, alright, let's go.

DEAN

So, Ponyboy, you happy?

RORY

Yeah, I'm happy.

EMILY

There you go.

LORELAI

Mom, I think somebody already ate that.

EMILY

That is a mashed banana on toast.

LORELAI

OK.

EMILY

I used to make this for you all the time when you were a little girl.

LORELAI

You did?

EMILY

Yes, whenever you got sick I made this.

LORELAI

Are you sure it wasn't the other way around?

EMILY

You don't want it.

LORELAI

No, no, I want it.

EMILY

I'll just take it back to the kitchen

LORELAI

No, Mom, I said I want it.

EMILY

Are you sure? Because I can throw it away.

LORELAI

Relinquish the banana, please. Mmm.

EMILY

You can't possibly be comfortable like that.

LORELAI

Mother, please, this is the first position in 24 hours that that has not made me crazy.

EMILY

Alright. (pause) You're not eating.

LORELAI

Mom.

EMILY

Yes?

LORELAI

Please don't make me eat this.

EMILY

You have to eat something.

LORELAI

Well, Sookie left me a burrito in the fridge.

EMILY

I'll go warm it up for you.

LORELAI

I can eat it cold.

EMILY

Oh. Fine. I'll just go get it then.

LORELAI

Hot's better though.

EMILY

I'll be right back.

DEAN

OK, uh, I need something to drink. Do you want some punch?

RORY

Sure.

JACOB

Hi, Rory, right?

RORY

Yes.

JACOB

We met earlier with Paris...

RORY

Yes, I remember.

JACOB

Are you having a good time?

RORY

Actually I am. You?

JACOB

It's OK. So, was that your boyfriend?

RORY

Oh. I don't know. I'm not sure.

JACOB

You're not sure?

RORY

We've only been going out a little while, so...

JACOB

So, there's still a little room to play?

RORY

What?

JACOB

Would you like to dance?

RORY

Oh, no thanks.

JACOB

Maybe I could get your number.

RORY

What for?

JACOB

To call you.

RORY

I'm sorry, aren't you here with Paris?

JACOB

Yeah.

RORY

So maybe you shouldn't be over here asking me for my number then.

JACOB

Why? Paris is my cousin.

RORY

Your cousin?

JACOB

Yeah.

RORY

Paris is your cousin? You're related?

JACOB

Yeah.

RORY

Jacob, it's been very nice to meet you. I hope you have a lovely evening.

EMILY

Oh look -- Barbara Stanwyck. I just love Barbara Stanwyck.

LORELAI

Oh yeah, she's good.

EMILY

She had that wonderful voice -- that husky, deep voice. I just love that voice.

LORELAI

You know Mom, you have kind of a Barbara Stanwycky voice.

EMILY

Oh I do not.

LORELAI

I mean it. You could have gotten Fred McMurray to off Dad if you'd really wanted to.

EMILY

Oh you do enjoy teasing me, don't you?

LORELAI

You know, I really do.

EMILY

You know, Rory looked so lovely tonight.

LORELAI

She did, didn't she?

EMILY

I just can't get over how she's grown up into that little woman who walked out of here.

LORELAI

I know. (pause) You know what, Mom?

EMILY

Hm

LORELAI

I made the dress.

EMILY

You did a lovely job.

LORELAI

Thank you.

EMILY

With Rory and the dress.

LORELAI

Thank you.

EMILY

Well, let me get this out of your way. You really don't remember me making this for you when you were sick?

LORELAI

I don't. I'm sorry

EMILY

Well I did and you loved it.

LORELAI

You know what? Let me give it a try.

LORELAI

Hmm.

EMILY

Yes?

LORELAI

It's even more disgusting than I thought it was going to be.

EMILY

Oh it is not.

EMILY

Oh my God, it's horrible! What on earth was I thinking?

DEAN

So, uh, you want to maybe go?

RORY

You're bored. I'm sorry. Yeah, let's go, right away.

DEAN

I'm not bored. I thought, you know, there's still a little time left, maybe we could get a cup of coffee somewhere, hang out a little, talk a walk. You know, just us.

RORY

That'd be nice.

DEAN

No, you stay. I'll get the coats.

PARIS

So. How many people have you told? Four? Five? Everybody?

RORY

What are you talking about?

PARIS

You know that Jacob is my cousin and now you finally have all the ammunition to pay me back, right?

RORY

I don't want to pay you back. I just want to get awy from you.

PARIS

(voice gets increasingly louder) Now you can just go all over the school and just tell everybody that Paris Geller couldn't get a date to the dance. That she had no one and since she couldn't just not come, she had to get her mother to ask her cousin Jacob to take and then she had to give him gas money to make him do it. Go ahead! Tell them!

RORY

I don't have to. You just did.

TRISTIN

You know, we haven't met.

DEAN

No, we haven't.

TRISTIN

I'm Tristin.

DEAN

Ah, yes we have.

TRISTIN

What are you talking about?

DEAN

Rory's mentioned you.

TRISTIN

Oh yeah?

DEAN

Yeah. I wouldn't get quite so excited about it.

TRISTIN

Oh, why, did she say something mean?

DEAN

She said you're a jackass.

TRISTIN

Really?

DEAN

Actually, no, Rory doesn't use words like that. I embellished a little.

TRISTIN

Oh so you're the big strong protector? Little princess needs a protector?

DEAN

What's your problem, man?

TRISTIN

Nothing. Just don't like your girlfriend, that's all.

DEAN

Really? Doesn't look that way to me.

TRISTIN

I don't really care how it looks to you.

DEAN

Hey. You got in my path, not the other way around.

DEAN

You're kiding right?

TRISTIN

Why, are you going somewhere?

DEAN

Get out of my way Dristan.

TRISTIN

Oh, aren't you clever.

RORY

Hey, what's going on?

TRISTIN

Nothing. Just getting to know your boyfriend here.

DEAN

It's going really well, don't you think?

TRISTIN

Oh yeah. We're just about to build a clubhouse.

RORY

OK. Well I hate to break up the party, but we should go.

TRISTIN

Oh, why? Little girl's got to be home?

DEAN

Stop.

TRISTIN

No, I think you two make a very cute couple. Is your horse and buggy parked outside? Got to get home for the barn raising?

DEAN

Let's go.

DEAN

What the hell do you think you're doing?

TRISTIN

OK, you will not push me again.

DEAN

Are you seriously trying to act tough? You're wearing a tie for God's sake.

TRISTIN

Outside! Now!

DEAN

I'm not fighting you. It'd be like fighting an accountant. I'll call you when I need my taxes done.

DEAN

You don't want to fight me Tristin!

TRISTIN

Why not?

DEAN

'Cause I'll kill you, idiot! Come on, Rory, let's go.

DEAN

You will not come near her. Ever again.

MADELINE

Wow. That was good.

LOUISE

Whatever.

PARIS

Are you OK?

LOUISE

Did you really bring your cousin?

LORELAI

(sleepy) What are you doing?

EMILY

Go to sleep.

LORELAI

The movie's not over.

EMILY

I'll tell you how it ends.

LORELAI

Thank you, Mommy.

DEAN

That was quite a dance.

RORY

I seriously don't know what got into him.

DEAN

I do.

RORY

What?

DEAN

He has a thing for you.

RORY

No he doesn't. It's just a game to him or something.

DEAN

He has a thing for you.

RORY

He does nothing but insult me and make me miserable.

DEAN

He has a thing for you.

RORY

I don't know how I feel about this whole situation.

DEAN

What do you mean?

RORY

I don't know...having my boyfriend defend my honor. It's weird.

DEAN

Uh, boyfriend?

RORY

What?

DEAN

You said 'boyfriend.'

RORY

No! I just meant boyfriend in the sense that the whole defending me thing was very boyfriendy, but only in the broadest sense of the word, which doesn't even apply at all here.

DEAN

You are seriously babbling.

RORY

I didn't mean that you're my boyfriend.

DEAN

OK.

RORY

I don't think you're my boyfriend.

DEAN

OK.

RORY

Dean?

DEAN

What?

RORY

Are you my boyfriend?

DEAN

In the broadest sense of the word way?

RORY

No, in the real, 'hi this is Dean, my boyfriend' kind of way.

DEAN

Well I am if you want me to be.

RORY

I do.

DEAN

OK.

RORY

So it's settled.

DEAN

Yes it is.

RORY

You're my boyfriend.

DEAN

That's the consensus.

RORY

I'm feeling pretty good about this decision.

RORY

I guess Miss Patty forgot to lock up.

DEAN

I've never really seen in here before.

DEAN

Are all these women really Miss Patty?

RORY

Yep. She said she's done everything there is to do in show business except set fire to the hoop the dog jumps through.

DEAN

I'll get it. God, this weighs a ton. What do you have in here?

RORY

I don't know. A lipstick, five dollar bill. Gum, hair spray, a book.

DEAN

A book?

RORY

Yeah.

DEAN

You brought a book to the dance?

RORY

Yeah.

DEAN

You thought there'd be a lot of downtime?

RORY

No. I just take a book with me everywhere. It's just habit.

DEAN

So, uh, what are you reading?

RORY

The Portable Dorothy Parker.

DEAN

(reading) 'There's little in taking or giving. There's little in water or wine. This living, this living, this living, Was never a project of mine.' Cheery.

RORY

Funny though. (pause) Hey --

DEAN

What?

RORY

Thank you for tonight. It was perfect.

DEAN

You're welcome.

MISS PATTY

OK, ladies. Grab your yoga mats.

WOMAN

I don't think I'll ever get warm again.

WOMAN

(shocked) Oh, my goodness! It's Lorelai's girl!

WOMAN #2

Patty! Rory Gilmore is here!

MISS PATTY

What?

WOMAN

She's over here. Asleep with the bag boy from the market.

WOMAN #2

What are we supposed to do?

MISS PATTY

Rory, honey. It's Miss Patty. Rory? Rory, what are you doing here?

RORY

Miss Patty?

MISS PATTY

Yes. have you been here all night?

RORY

Oh no! Dean wake up.

DEAN

What time is it?

MISS PATTY

It's 5:30 in the morning.

RORY

Oh my God! We fell asleep. How could we have fallen asleep?

DEAN

Calm down, I'll explain it to your mom.

RORY

(hysterical) Where's my purse? Where's my purse?

DEAN

I got it. Relax.

RORY

I have to go.

DEAN

Rory! (runs after her) Wait up!

RORY

I have to go.

DEAN

I'm going with you. We'll explain. It'll be OK.

RORY

No you can't come with me. You shouldn't be anywhere near my house right now.

DEAN

It's not our fault.

RORY

I know. I just have to get home.

DEAN

Look, please, please let me come with you.

RORY

No!

DEAN

Rory --

RORY

I have to go home.

EMILY

Lorelai! Get up. Now. Right now!

LORELAI

What?

EMILY

Rory's not home!

LORELAI

Rory's what?

EMILY

I sat in that chair all night and I dozed off for one second and the next thing I know it's 5:30 and she's not here.

LORELAI

Rory?

EMILY

She's not there. Aren't you listening?

LORELAI

(panicked) Rory? Rory?

EMILY

Where's the phone? Call the police.

EMILY

What are you doing? Call the police! Call the police!

LORELAI

Mom, stop it!

EMILY

What are you doing?

LORELAI

I'm looking for the phone. What do you think I'm doing?

EMILY

Why don't you ever clean up around here? This is an emergency and you can't even find the phone. What if there was a fire? What if Rory was choking?

LORELAI

Mom, stop yelling!

EMILY

Rory is missing!

LORELAI

I know that and your yelling is not helping me!

LORELAI

Rory? (pause) Oh, Patty. (pause) What? (pause) OK. (pause) Thanks. (pause) No, than you so much. (pause) OK Bye-bye. (hangs up) Rory's OK.

EMILY

Where is she? What happened?

LORELAI

She and Dean were at Miss Patty's.

EMILY

What is that, a motel?

LORELAI

Um, it's a dance studio. That was Patty. She said that she found them asleep and woke them up and Rory's on her way home.

EMILY

In what state were they found in?

LORELAI

She didn't say, OK. Let's just try to be calm until we know what happened.

EMILY

What do you mean 'until we know what happened'? We know what happened.

LORELAI

No we don't.

EMILY

They were out all night!

LORELAI

I'm gonna make some coffee.

EMILY

Lorelai Gilmore, I've watched you do a lot of stupid things in your life and I have held my tongue.

LORELAI

(laughs) You've what?

EMILY

But I will not stand by and let you allow that girl to ruin her life.

LORELAI

Mom -- back off.

EMILY

She spent the night out with that boy, the one you let her run off to that dance with.

LORELAI

Mom, so help me God, I will not get into this with you.

EMILY

She's doing the same thing you did.

LORELAI

No she's not.

EMILY

She's going to get pregnant.

LORELAI

No she's not.

EMILY

She's gonna ruin everything just like you did.

LORELAI

No she's not! No she's not! No she's not! Rory is a good kid, Mom! She's not me.

EMILY

What kind of mother are you to allow this to happen to her?

LORELAI

Oh, I don't know, Mom. What kind of mother were you?

EMILY

You're going to lose her. You're going to lose her just like I lost you.

LORELAI

I am not going to lose her. Do you hear me? Even if I hadn't gotten pregnant, you still would have lost me. I had nothing in that house. I had no life. I had no air. You strangled me. I do not strangle Rory.

EMILY

Oh you're so perfect and I was so horrible. I put you in good schools. I gave you the best of everything. I made sure you had the finest opportunities. And I am so tired of hearing about how you were suffocated and I was so controlling. Well if I was so controlling why couldn't I control you running around getting pregnant and throwing your life away.

LORELAI

Get out!

EMILY

What?

LORELAI

You will not come into my house and tell me I threw my life away. Look around, Mom. This is a life. It has a little color in it so it may look a little unfamiliar to you, but it's a life. And if I hadn't gotten pregnant I wouldn't have Rory.

EMILY

You know that's not what I meant.

LORELAI

Maybe I was some horrible uncontrollable child like you say, but Rory isn't. She's smart and careful and I trust her and she's gonna be fine and if you can't accept that or believe it, then I don't want you in this house!

RORY

Mom, thank you for saying all those --

LORELAI

What were you thinking? Staying out all night! Are you insane?

RORY

I'm sorry. It was an accident.

LORELAI

You're talking to the queen of staying out all night. I invented the concept! This is no accident! You can't do this! Period.

RORY

Nothing happened!

LORELAI

Do you have any idea what it's like to wake up with my mother here and find out that you never came home?

RORY

So all this is about Grandma being here.

LORELAI

No, it's about the feeling of complete terror when your kid isn't in her bed in the morning.

RORY

I'm sorry.

LOREAI

And then it's about a whole different kind of terror when you find out that she spent the night with some guy.

RORY

I didn't spend the night with him. We fell asleep.

LORELAI

You are going on the pill.

RORY

What?

LORELAI

You're not getting pregnant.

RORY

I'm not sleeping with Dean.

LORELAI

Dammit!

RORY

What happened to all that stuff you said to Grandma What happened to trusting me? Where did all that go?

LORELAI

I think it's back on Patty's yoga mats.

RORY

This is crap! You know I didn't do anything. You know this is an accident. You're just mad because I screwed up and I did it in front of Grandma and she nailed you for it. Well I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I screwed up and I'm sorry that you got yelled at, but I didn't do anything and you know it!