T1E10: “Forgiveness and Stuff”

MISS PATTY

People please pay attention. Now, I want my before Mary over here, and my after Mary over here. Wise men, shepherd line up for the processional. I only have half a donkey? I need the rest of the donkey!

KIRK

Ow!

LORELAI

Hold still Kirk.

KIRK

You stuck me.

LORELAI

I did not stick you.

KIRK

You did to.

LORELAI

Ok, be quiet now. [looks at Rory]

RORY

Um, Taylor, the baby Jesus is missing an arm again.

TAYLOR

What?

RORY

I was just getting it out of the trunk and -

TAYLOR

Let me see that. Oh for Pete’s sake! [to everyone] Ok listen up! The arm is missing! I repeat the arm is missing!

RORY

Maybe it’s just time to get a new baby Jesus, you know, one that’s a boy.

TAYLOR

It’s a doll, no one can tell.

RORY

Well it has a bow.

TAYLOR

This has been the baby Jesus in every Christmas pageant since 1965. Were you here in 1965?

RORY

No I wasn’t.

TAYLOR

Find the arm [Rory looks at Lorelai]

LORELAI

What are you doing?

KIRK

Nothing.

LORELAI

You’re flinching.

KIRK

You stuck me once. There’s nothing to say you won’t do it again.

LORELAI

Ok you know what? You’re done.

TAYLOR

Well?

RORY

I swear, I’ve looked twice.

TAYLOR

Look again.

MISS PATTY

Taylor come quickly. Our ‘before’ Mary is about to become an ‘after’. Who else in town is knocked up?

LORELAI

Find the arm?

RORY

Nope.

LORELAI

[sourly]It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas. [pan to dog with doll arm in mouth]

LANE

Hey, I thought we were meeting at Luke’s.

RORY

We were? Oh my God, I’m so sorry. I forgot.

LANE

Let me guess. You and Lorelai haven’t made up yet?

RORY

Nope. Things are still Miracle Worker at my house. God, how did everything get so screwed up?

LANE

I think you staying out all night with Dean had something to do with it.

RORY

And my grandmother being there to witness it didn’t help.

LANE

Never does.

RORY

It sucks. Things were good. School was good, Dean was good. Now my mother and I are barely speaking. Mom and Grandma are barely speaking. Dean’s new name is ‘Narcolepsy boy’.

LANE

How’s he taking it?

RORY

I don’t know. I haven’t talked to him since it happened.

LANE

That was four days ago.

RORY

I know.

LANE

Has he called?

RORY

I told him not to.

LANE

And he listened?

RORY

No.

LANE

Good boy.

RORY

Ok, I really need to talk about something else now.

LANE

You went shopping.

RORY

Yes I did. I got a mow-ing cow shaped timer for Sookie, some cardio-salsa tapes for Michel, a book for Dean -

LANE

You got Dean a book?

RORY

Yeah. ‘Metamorphosis’.

LANE

‘Metamorphosis.’

RORY

It’s Kafta.

LANE

Very romantic.

RORY

I think it is romantic.

LANE

I know I’ve always dreamed that some day a guy would get me a really confusing Czechoslovakian novel.

RORY

I think he’ll appreciate it.

LANE

A book sends the wrong message.

RORY

What are you talking about?

LANE

You have to look at what a gift says to the other person, not to you. Remember two years ago, I got my mom that perfume?

RORY

Yeah.

LANE

Ok, to me that said, ‘Hey mom, you work hard, you deserve something fancy’. Now to my mother, it said ‘Hey mom, here’s some smelly sex juice, the kind I use to lure boys with’ and resulted in me being sent to Bible camp all summer.

RORY

Yeah but -

LANE

Just imaging that you actually gave Dean something really romantic, and he gave you a football. Your hypothetical romantic present is saying that you really, really like him. And his present is saying ‘Hey man, let’s just be friends’.

RORY

And you’re saying that this book is -

LORELAI

Is a Czechoslovakian football, yes.

RORY

So then what do I get him?

LANE

What you should do is find out what he’s getting you and gauge your gift accordingly.

RORY

But doesn’t that kinda take the fun out of it?

LANE

Gift giving is serious business. If you don’t believe me try spending a month at Korean Bible camp.

MICHEL

Yes right there. Now flip the elf and the fairy.

GUY

Which one is the fairy?

MICHEL

The one with the wand [Guy goes for one] What are you doing?

GUY

Isn’t this a wand?

MICHEL

No, that is a staff.

GUY

So this isn’t a fairy?

MICHEL

That is Little Bo Peep.

GUY

And you don’t want to move her.

MICHEL

I would prefer that you didn’t.

GUY

Ok, so we’re still looking for a fairy.

MICHEL

The search continues.

GUY

No chance you’re going to help me.

MICHEL

None whatsoever.

LORELAI

Independence Inn, Lorelai speaking.

EMILY

Lorelai.

LORELAI

Mom, hello.

EMILY

I wanted to talk to you about the Christmas dinner this Friday.

LORELAI

Ah, Christmas dinner.

EMILY

You forgot.

LORELAI

Well mom, there’s been a lot going on around here lately, your Christmas shindig’s not exactly high on my list of things to obsess about.

EMILY

Well I’m sorry if the timing is bad Lorelai, but the world doesn’t always revolve around you.

LORELAI

Well thanks for the tip.

EMILY

Cocktails are at 6, dinner’s at 8.

LORELAI

I probably won’t be there for cocktails.

EMILY

Why not?

LORELAI

Because I have to work.

EMILY

You can’t leave work early?

LORELAI

No I can’t.

EMILY

Why not?

LORELAI

Because it’s not in my job description.

EMILY

Well then don’t come.

LORELAI

What?

EMILY

Don’t come. It’s obviously an enormous burden for you.

LORELAI

Yeah but -

EMILY

Just send Rory.

LORELAI

You’re telling me not to come to the Christmas party?

EMILY

Well you’re obviously too busy.

LORELAI

I had the German measles in the 5th grade, I still had to show up to the Christmas party.

EMILY

Lorelai let’s be honest here, I’m not too happy with you right now and I assume you’re not too happy with me.

LORELAI

My polka dot dress matched my face and still I had to sit through 12 courses.

EMILY

I am tired of forcing you to do all those terrible things that infringe upon your life and I do not have the energy to pretend that the way you treated my the other day was in any way acceptable.

LORELAI

So you’re uninviting me to Christmas dinner?

EMILY

Yes I am.

LORELAI

Fine.

EMILY

Fine.

LORELAI

Ok, anything else?

EMILY

I believe that’s all.

LORELAI

Ok well, great mom, it’s been swell talking to you.

EMILY

Bye Lorelai.

LORELAI

Bye.

GUY

This one?

MICHEL

No.

GUY

This one?

MICHEL

No.

GUY

This -

MICHEL

No.

MICHEL

No.

RORY

I wish you’d change your mind.

LORELAI

It’s not my mind that needs to be changed.

RORY

I don’t think she meant it.

LORELAI

Oh she meant it.

RORY

Well maybe she thinks she meant it at the time, but I bet she won’t mean it later when I show up there without you.

LORELAI

And without a map to follow that reasoning I say, ‘Take a hot it’s cold outside’.

RORY

You just wanna hold a grudge.

LORELAI

Yes, it burns more calories.

RORY

That’s not true.

LORELAI

Yes it is, how do you think your grandma got those legs of hers? She’s not exactly a Stairmaster gal.

RORY

Mom.

LORELAI

Never saw her on the running track.

RORY

Ok.

LORELAI

I don’t remember the country club organizing a Tae-bo class.

RORY

Fine, forget it. Should I put your name on Grandma’s present?

LORELAI

Yes, sign it the inn keeper formally known as her daughter.

RORY

You know what I think?

LORELAI

What?

RORY

I think you’re acting a little immature.

LORELAI

I’m not acting.

RORY

Well what about the apple tarts? You wait all year for those apple tarts.

LORELAI

I can live without the apple tarts.

RORY

You’ve made up songs after eating five of them with lyrics that contradict that last statement.

LORELAI

Oh you know what? You have to go, you’re late.

RORY

You really won’t come?

LORELAI

What, I’m sorry, is somebody speaking? Couldn’t be Rory, she’s already half way to Hartford.

RORY

Fine, I’m going.

LORELAI

Drive carefully. Watch out for ice. And bring me back one of those [door closes]..tarts!

RORY

Hi Grandma.

EMILY

Rory, come in. You look lovely.

RORY

This is from me and mom.

EMILY

Well aren’t you thoughtful? I’ll just put it under the tree.

RORY

You know mom actually picked it out.

EMILY

Rory, do you know Holland Prescott?

RORY

I met her last year.

EMILY

Holland, look who’s here.

HOLLAND

Hello Rory.

RICHARD

That’s not my proposal.

ALAN

Yes, I know. Henry toned it down a little.

RICHARD

Henry did! Henry is a toddler!

ALAN

He thought your take was a little conservative.

RICHARD

And a moron!

ALAN

Richard, be very careful. This man may be our boss one day.

RICHARD

Oh that will never happen.

ALAN

Alright.

RICHARD

Why have you heard something?

EMILY

Richard, Alan, look who’s here.

RICHARD

Hello Rory.

RORY

Hi.

ALAN

Where’s your mother?

RORY

Oh, well, she...

ALAN

Over by the apple tarts I assume.

EMILY

Lorelai couldn’t come tonight.

RICHARD

She couldn’t?

EMILY

No, she had to work. [Rory looks at her]

RICHARD

Ah. Speaking of which, I’m going to give that man a call.

ALAN

Richard, you’re getting yourself all worked up.

RICHARD

As long as I’ve been with this company, it has been run by gentleman. Revising a man’s work without so much as a phone call would’ve been unheard of!

ALAN

It’s a new world out there Richard.

RICHARD

Oh!

EMILY

Please stop all this shop talk. We are here to celebrate.

RICHARD

I’m going to call him.

ALAN

Richard, it’s past midnight in London.

RICHARD

Oh, even better.

RORY

Grandma, could I talk to you alone please.

EMILY

You need something to drink.

RORY

I want to apologize about the other night.

EMILY

Rory please, this is a party.

RORY

I messed up, it’s my fault.

EMILY

This is not the time or place to discuss this, your mother should have taught you that.

RORY

Please don’t be mad at her.

EMILY

I’m not mad at anyone. Now go back in and join the party.

RORY

But -

EMILY

And take this to Gigi on your way back.

LORELAI

Yes Joe, I know it’s Friday night, but I ordered my pizza an hour ago...Oh no I did not hear about the delivery van...Well I am very, very sorry to hear that. Now was it a fairly new van? Great, ok, well Joe, as with most tragedies in life there come a time when you just need to pick up and move one. So what’s the next phase of the delivery saga? Mm-hmm...Well how long until your brother’s back with the razor scooter? Ok, uh-huh, alright, just call me when it gets there. Bye Joe.

LORELAI

Well, hi there.

DEAN

Hi.

LORELAI

How you doing?

DEAN

Fine.

LORELAI

Good, good. Shouldn’t you have a squeegee with you or something?

DEAN

I was just -

LORELAI

Looking for Rory?

DEAN

Yeah.

LORELAI

She’s not here.

DEAN

Ok.

LORELAI

[sighs] I’ll tell her you tapped.

DEAN

Thanks.

LORELAI

Mm-hmm [goes to close window but Dean hasn’t moved] Something else?

DEAN

I just wanted to say that things got all messed up.

LORELAI

Yes they did.

DEAN

And I’m sorry.

LORELAI

Uh-huh.

DEAN

But nothing happened.

LORELAI

Ok, I have to go.

DEAN

We sat down and we were reading this book and then we fell asleep.

LORELAI

Pick a more interesting book next time.

DEAN

So am I like public enemy #1 with you?

LORELAI

#1? I don’t know, would you settle for top five? Because I’m still a little hot for that crazy bomber guy who’s been living in a cave for a year.

DEAN

Please just tell me where I stand.

LORELAI

I don’t know where you stand ok? All I know is my 16 year old daughter didn’t come home one night and you had something to do with that.

DEAN

I told you - nothing happened

LORELAI

[overlaps Dean] Happened, I heard.

DEAN

Look you can hate me but you have to believe me, I would not let anything happen to her.

LORELAI

You happened to her.

DEAN

I won’t hurt her.

LORELAI

You know, I was 16 when I had Rory.

DEAN

I know.

LORELAI

That is the same age she is now.

DEAN

I know.

LORELAI

She wants to go to Harvard.

DEAN

She will go to Harvard and if she doesn’t it won’t be because of me. [sighs and stands to leave]

LORELAI

I don’t hate you.

DEAN

No?

LORELAI

No. Though I did imagine 20 different ways to remove your head from your body.

DEAN

Yeah? Well which one looked the best?

LORELAI

Hedge clippers.

DEAN

Huh.

LORELAI

Dull ones.

DEAN

Well, I mean sure you wouldn’t want it to go quick.

LORELAI

Exactly.

DEAN

Ok, uh, I’m gonna go.

LORELAI

Dean.

DEAN

Yeah.

LORELAI

You know we have a really nice front door. You might want to use it some times.

DEAN

Got it.

LORELAI

See ya.

DIRECTOR

Henry, you ring on 3.

HENRY

I thought I was 2.

DIRECTOR

No, Chuck rings on 2, you ring on 3.

CHUCK

I’m on 1.

DIRECTOR

Are you sure?

CHUCK

Nope. Sorry. You’re right. I’m 2.

DIRECTOR

From the top. [they start again] Henry!

LORELAI

Hey.

LUKE

Rory coming?

LORELAI

No.

LUKE

She on a date?

LORELAI

No.

LUKE

Good so you’ve forbid her to see the bag boy.

LORELAI

I’d really rather not talk about it right now.

LUKE

Just tell me you forbid her to see the bag boy.

LORELAI

I did not forbid her to see the bag boy.

LUKE

Are you crazy?

LORELAI

Well, he looks like he’s moving up to produce, so he’s suddenly become quite a catch.

LUKE

That kid is trouble.

LORELAI

Can I order please.

LUKE

First time I looked at him, I thought he was trouble.

LORELAI

Excuse me, I’m the one who told you I thought he was trouble and you told me you thought I was crazy.

LUKE

You are crazy and he is trouble.

LORELAI

He is not trouble! He’s 6’2...he’s beautiful and he’s completely in love with my daughter.

LUKE

Trouble.

LORELAI

Big time.

LUKE

I’ll get your burger.

LORELAI

Wait. Can I see a menu?

LUKE

You need to see a menu?

LORELAI

Yes.

LUKE

You come here everyday.

LORELAI

I know, but I usually order the same thing, and tonight I’m in the mood for something a little different.

LUKE

Menu.

LORELAI

Piece of paper, list of food offered.

LUKE

Ok, here. [gives her a menu] It’s not in Japanese.

LORELAI

Don’t you have any kind of holiday special? Something festive?

LUKE

I just got some Grey Poupon. That’s French.

LORELAI

Tonight’s my parents big Christmas celebration. There’s good food, these amazing apple tarts, big tree. It’s the only holiday I actually enjoy going over there for and this year, I’m uninvited.

LUKE

Why the hell would anyone celebrate Christmas two weeks early?

LORELAI

Did you even hear the part about me being uninvited?

LUKE

To your parents' fake Christmas party?

LORELAI

Yes.

LUKE

I did hear that.

LORELAI

Do you care?

LUKE

Obviously you do.

LORELAI

Yes, I do and I don’t know why.

LUKE

You liked going...

LORELAI

I did.

LUKE

Rory’s there without you...

LORELAI

She is.

LUKE

You and Rory aren’t getting along right now and you feel bad at being separated during a time you usually share together.

LORELAI

Wow.

LUKE

Did I mention you come here every damn day?

LORELAI

I’ll have a burger.

LUKE

Coming right up.

GIGI

Emily, you’ve out done yourself yet again.

ALAN

Yes, I can’t imagine the hours you spent slaving over a hot stove.

EMILY

You’re teasing me, Alan.

ALAN

It’s delicious Emily.

EMILY

A compliment for my chef is a compliment for me, thank you Alan.

RICHARD

I for one would like to know where Henry is at this hour. Probably gallivanting around London like a bull out to stud.

EMILY

Richard please.

RICHARD

Well how is he supposed to negotiate the contract tomorrow morning if he’s been out at all hours with some cheap tramp.

ALAN

Knowing Henry, she wasn’t cheap.

EMILY

This is wildly inappropriate dinner conversation especially in front of a young lady.

RICHARD

Is it unbearably hot in here?

EMILY

Richard don’t loosen your tie at the table.

HOLLAND

So what are your plans for the Christmas holidays Rory?

RORY

I’ll probably just be hanging out with my mom.

GIGI

Oh it’s such a shame she couldn’t come, she’s always such a kick.

EMILY

Lorelai wasn’t feeling well so I suggested she stay home.

RICHARD

It is hot in here, I’m going to lower the thermostat [leaves].

HOLLAND

Poor thing, what’s wrong with her?

EMILY

She has a touch of the flu. Richard forget the thermostat! [Rory looks at her again]

GIGI

I thought you said she was working?

EMILY

Well she was supposed to work but then she caught the flu so one way or another she couldn’t have made it.

GIGI

Tell her we missed her.

RORY

I will.

EMILY

Richard! For heaven sake [getting up to find him]. Richard!

LORELAI

What did you do?

LUKE

You wanted something festive.

LORELAI

You made me a Santa burger.

LUKE

It’s not big deal.

LORELAI

He has a hat and everything.

LUKE

Yeah, I just cut a piece of wonder bread, you know, poured a little ketchup, piped on a little cream cheese.

LORELAI

No one has ever made me something quite this disgusting before. I thank you.

LUKE

You’re welcome.

LORELAI

What?

LUKE

Outside!

LORELAI

Are you kidding? It’s like the North Pole out there.

LUKE

Hey, this sign isn’t just a decoration.

LORELAI

Honey, nothing in here is a decoration.

LUKE

It’s disturbs the other customers.

LORELAI

Oh really? Maybe we should take a vote. [to customers] Who thinks we shouldn’t use cell phones in here? [all raise their hands] Well screw democracy. [goes to answer but stops ringing] Perfect, Now I have to check my voice mail.

ALL

‘...the new born king’.

LUKE

Whoa, what’s going on?

TAYLOR

Well we were caroling around town and we got a bit chilly and we thought maybe we could trade you a song for some hot chocolate.

LUKE

You want free hot chocolate?

TAYLOR

No no, we’ll sing for it, any tune you like.

LUKE

And then I give you free hot chocolate.

TAYLOR

Yes.

LUKE

Tell you want, you can have your hot chocolate, and pay for it, then go next door and sing for the marshmallows.

LORELAI

Oh my God!

TAYLOR

These are your neighbors Luke!

LUKE

Shut up Taylor. What’s going on? [to Lorelai]

LORELAI

My father’s in the hospital.

LUKE

What?

LORELAI

Yeah, he collapsed or something. I don’t know. I need a cab. I need to call a cab. Where’s the phone? I need - can anyone give me - I’m holding a phone.

LUKE

Whoa, calm down.

LORELAI

No I can’t calm down. I need a cab. What’s the numbers? God, it’s something-cabs, cabs-something-something, 1-800-cabs? Can somebody tell me the damn number of the cab guy?!

LUKE

I’ll drive you.

LORELAI

But there’s food and there’s people and there’s a burger with a face.

LUKE

Ok, everybody out! We’re closed, let’s go. Food’s on me. [to Lorelai] Put on your coat and get your stuff. [to Taylor] Taylor, have your hot chocolate then lock up. [to Lorelai] Come on, my truck’s out back.

LORELAI

Luke, I’m -

LUKE

I know, let’s go.

LORELAI

Look.

LUKE

Relax.

LORELAI

We’re being passed by senior citizens.

LUKE

I’m going as fast as I can.

LORELAI

Bye Grandma, bye.

LUKE

There’s ice on the road, those people aren’t being safe.

LORELAI

Well maybe they’re not being safe but at least they’re getting somewhere.

LUKE

You checked it five times already, I’ve listened to it twice, it’s not changing.

LORELAI

‘Grandpa’s in the hospital, please come.’ No details, no info. Who taught her to leave a message like that?

LUKE

I’m sure she was in a hurry.

LORELAI

A person needs details. Why is he in the hospital? How bad is it? What are the circumstances involving him being in the hospital? These are simple questions.

LUKE

We’ll be there very soon and you’ll know everything.

LORELAI

What if he’s dead?

LUKE

He’s not dead.

LORELAI

How do you know?

LUKE

I know.

LORELAI

Oh, you’re psychic now? You’re suddenly getting visions while you’re driving 20 mph in the oldest truck known to man? [pause] I’m sorry, you’re killing yourself to get me there and I’m yelling at you. I don’t mean it.

LUKE

I know.

LORELAI

I feel like this is one of those moments when I should be remembering all the great times I had with my dad, you know. The time he took me shopping for a Barbie or to the circus or fishing and my mind is a complete blank.

LUKE

Well I’m sure it happened.

LORELAI

No it didn’t. We never did any of that. He went to work, he came home, he read the paper, he went to bed, I snuck out the window. Simple. He was a very by the numbers guy. I was never very good with numbers.

LUKE

I’m sure he loves you.

LORELAI

You know my dad is not a bad guy.

LUKE

I’m sure he’s not.

LORELAI

He lived his life the way he thought he was supposed to. He followed the rules taught to him by his non-fishing-non-Barbie-buying dad. He worked hard. He bought a nice house. He provided for my mom. All he asked in return was for his daughter to wear white dresses and go to cotillion and want the same life that he had. What a disappointment it must have been for him to get me.

LUKE

I can’t imagine anyone seeing you as a disappointment.

LORELAI

I bet you’d buy a Barbie for your daughter.

LUKE

Yeah, well, I’d probably give her the cash to buy it herself and meet her by the baseball cards.

LORELAI

Hmm. You’ll make a great dad.

LUKE

You make a great mom.

LORELAI

Yeah. It’s just the uh, daughter part I don’t have down yet.

LUKE

Ok, hold on. That Camaro is dust.

EMILY

But why can’t I see him.?

NURSE

They’re running some test.

EMILY

Well I would like to meet this doctor who’s testing him.

NURSE

You will.

EMILY

Some strange man is working on my husband, I have a right to meet this person.

NURSE

You will.

EMILY

And I want to see the room you’re going to put him in.

NURSE

You will.

EMILY

And stop saying ‘You will’. Put a proper sentence together for God’s sake.

NURSE

Ma’am, please wait here.

RORY

Did you find out anything?

EMILY

Please! They run this place like the CIA [Joshua comes up] Joshua, thank God! This place is infuriating.

JOSHUA

It’s alright, I’m here, I’m going to check on him right now. Have you filled out the forms yet?

EMILY

I don’t care about the forms, I want to see my husband.

JOSHUA

[to Rory] Is she being obstinate?

RORY

Very.

JOSHUA

Let me see what’s going on and then we’ll take it from there.

EMILY

And there he goes through the doors.

RORY

Maybe I should call mom again.

EMILY

Never mind, I’m sure she’s very busy.

RORY

That’s not true, I bet she’d -

EMILY

Rory, go get your Grandfather a paper -

RORY

But -

EMILY

The Wall Street Journal or Barron’s. Whatever they have, he’ll want something to read when he gets back to his room.

RORY

Ok, can I get you something? Maybe a coffee?

EMILY

No dear, I’m fine.

NURSE

Ms. Gilmore, uh, I need you to -

EMILY

It’s not ‘Ms. Gilmore’, it’s Mrs. Gilmore! Mrs. Gilmore, I’m not a cosmo woman!

NURSE

I know this is difficult for you, but if you don’t fill out these forms -

EMILY

What? You’ll do what? I’d like to hear in your most condescending tone what my punishment will be for not filling out these forms in a timely manner. Are there bamboo shoots involved? Some sort of dark deep hole in the ground? Rats nibbling at my toes?

LUKE

Ok, we’re supposed to follow the blue line, around the corner and then we should be -

LORELAI

Where’s the scarecrow when you need him?

LUKE

Ok, we have to ask someone else.

LORELAI

No! No! We just have to pick one.

LUKE

Ah, well can’t just wander around here aimlessly.

LORELAI

Luke, listen to me, somewhere in this hospital are my mother and my father. Now I know I don’t get along with them but there has to be some sort of intuition, some sort of blood bond that will somehow lead me to them.

LUKE

That’s crazy.

EMILY

My great uncle founded this hospital -

LORELAI

And that’s Emily.

EMILY

You insensitive paper peddler! His portrait is hanging in the lobby, go look. It’s right above the sign that says ‘Founder’!!!

LORELAI

Mom!

EMILY

Lorelai.

LORELAI

What’s going on? How is he?

EMILY

You came!

LORELAI

Well of course I came. How’s dad?

EMILY

That’s what I’ve been trying to find out but this woman keeps pestering me with idiotic questions like ‘What’s the number of my insurance policy and how long have we had it.’

NURSE

I need to get this information.

EMILY

You need to get sensitivity training!

LORELAI

Well, what if I fill out this information and you can go find someone who can tell us how my dad is.

NURSE

I’m not supposed to -

LORELAI

Or, I could go and you can stay here and continue to discuss this with my mother

NURSE

I’ll go.

LORELAI

Thank you.

EMILY

You got rid of her.

LORELAI

Yes, so tell me what happened.

EMILY

That’s amazing.

LORELAI

Mom, please.

EMILY

I don’t know what happened. He was hot and he went to turn down the thermostat and then - [see Luke] were you on a date?

LORELAI

What?

EMILY

You have an escort?

LORELAI

No, it’s Luke, Mom.

LUKE

Which is her way of saying we weren’t on a date.

LORELAI

I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that.

EMILY

Well how am I supposed to know you weren’t on a date. It’s Friday night and you show up here with a man.

LORELAI

With Luke, Mom.

EMILY

It’s not insane to assume a date was involved.

LORELAI

You’re right, ok, it’s entirely possible that I was out on a date.

LUKE

Just not with me.

LORELAI

I was eating at Luke’s when I got the message. He gave me a ride, end of story. Is Dr. Reynolds here?

EMILY

Yes, Joshua got her a while ago. He was supposed to come back the minute he knew something but he hasn’t been back yet.

LORELAI

Well let’s go find him.

EMILY

You can’t find him! You can’t find anyone! Everyone just keeps disappearing behind those doors!

LORELAI

Well come on, let’s go [goes through doors]

EMILY

I didn’t know you could do that. [follows Lorelai]

LUKE

I’ll wait here.

RORY

Luke.

LUKE

I gave your mom a ride. We weren’t on a date.

RORY

Oh, ok.

LUKE

She and your grandmother just went back to see if they can find a doctor.

RORY

Did they find out anything else about Grandpa?

LUKE

I don’t think so, but give your mom a couple of minutes back there, I bet she finds something out.

RORY

Thanks for bringing her.

LUKE

You’re welcome. Hey, you ok?

RORY

I don’t want him to die.

LUKE

Well you tell him that when you see him ok? People like to hear that.

RORY

Mom!

LORELAI

Hey, you! Hi.

RORY

It was horrible! It happened so fast.

LORELAI

They’re about to bring him out of the big test room any minute so just hang in there.

RORY

Where’s Grandma?

LORELAI

Kicking some patient out of the room with the good view.

RORY

Really?

LORELAI

I hope they get him unhooked fast, otherwise he’s going without the life support machine.

RORY

So how long before they bring him back?

LORELAI

Very soon.

RORY

I’d like to do something?

LORELAI

Like rollerblade?

RORY

Like get some coffee or make phone calls or do something that isn’t standing here waiting.

LORELAI

Ok, go it. Well as partial as I am to the phone, I’m voting for the ‘get coffee’ idea.

RORY

Ok, good. Luke tea?

LUKE

Ah, peppermint preferably.

RORY

I’ll be right back.

LORELAI

Hey, he’s gonna be fine.

RORY

I was just getting to know him.

LORELAI

I know.

RORY

I don’t want him to -

LORELAI

He’s not. Go get your coffee. [Rory leaves] Oh man! [sits with Luke]

LUKE

You’re very brave for her.

LORELAI

Yeah, well it’s my turn. God this sucks.

LUKE

Hey come on, you gotta think positive here - bright side, good thoughts. Rainbows, unicorns, clowns, little cute...furry - ok I’m out.

LORELAI

Thank God.

EMILY

Alright, we’ve secured him the room but the pillows are completely unacceptable. I’m gonna see if I can find him some down ones and some slippers. I’ll be right back.

LORELAI

We’ll be right here [gurney passes. Luke breathes deeply, head back] Jeez are you ok?

LUKE

Yeah, I’m just not big on hospitals you know the smell, people being wheeled by with tubes sticking out of them, you know, drainage, fluids, gaping holes -

LORELAI

Ok, listen, why don’t you go home.

LUKE

You want me to go?

LORELAI

You don’t look so good.

LUKE

Thanks.

LORELAI

That’s not what I meant. You know you always look good.

LUKE

Yeah?

LORELAI

I mean you always look healthy.

LUKE

Ok.

LORELAI

But you don’t look so healthy now. Now you look...

LUKE

Unhealthy.

LORELAI

Yes.

LUKE

Ok.

LORELAI

Oh what? So I said you look good. We’re not in 5th grade. ‘You look good’, big deal. Stop staring at me.

LUKE

Ah, jeez.

LORELAI

See that’s what you get for being cocky.

LORELAI

Uh, how is he?

ORDERLY

He’s a little groggy right now.

LORELAI

What’s going on? How are the tests?

ORDERLY

The doctor will have to tell you that, I’m just the transport guy.

LORELAI

When is the doctor coming out?

ORDERLY

I’m not sure but you can go in with your dad until he gets here.

LORELAI

Thanks.

LUKE

Go ahead, I’m good.

LORELAI

That’s ok, uh, I’m gonna go find my mom and Rory and tell them he’s back up.

LUKE

I can tell them when they get here.

LORELAI

That’s ok, uh, I think they’d like to know now [turns around and almost knocks over her mom] Ah!

EMILY

Lorelai, you almost ran me over.

LORELAI

Well, good thing we’re in a hospital.

EMILY

Where were you going?

LORELAI

To find you, they just brought dad up.

EMILY

When?

LORELAI

Just now.

EMILY

Well how is he? Did you talk to him?

LORELAI

No not yet, I was coming to find you.

EMILY

Well come on.

LORELAI

You go ahead mom, I’m gonna go find Rory.

EMILY

Fine. [goes into room]

LORELAI

Ok.

LUKE

You know I could look for Rory.

LORELAI

No that’s ok, I’ll do it.

LUKE

I thought so. Hey look, it’s Rory. [Rory comes up to them]

RORY

The coffee machine was jammed so I got us some chicken soup and some Pez.

LORELAI

I was just coming to look for you.

RORY

Why, is everything ok?

LORELAI

They just brought Grandpa back up. He’s in room 202.

RORY

Well come on.

LORELAI

You go ahead, I just - I have to make a call.

RORY

Well hurry up.

LORELAI

I’ll meet you there.

LUKE

So who are you gonna go find now?

LORELAI

Stop.

LUKE

How about Jimmy Hoffa? That’ll keep you busy for a while.

LORELAI

I said stop.

LUKE

You can’t avoid going into that room forever.

LORELAI

I’m not avoiding anything. I’m going to find coffee.

LUKE

The machine’s jammed.

LORELAI

Well there are other machines.

LUKE

Admit you’re afraid.

LORELAI

You have no idea what you’re talking about.

LUKE

The truth hurts.

LORELAI

No you know what hurts? Having a screwdriver jammed in the side of your head [pointing behind Luke]

LUKE

What? [turns around] Oh my God!

RORY

‘Year end optimism in recent earnings reports, have pushed shares of the telecommunications giant about $65’.

RICHARD

[weakly] Oh, rubbish.

RORY

‘However, some experts say that the stock is dangerously overvalued.’

RICHARD

Ahh. Hmm.

EMILY

[Comes into room] Well how are we doing?

RORY

We’re done the front page of the Financial Times and all of The Wall Street Journal.

EMILY

Very good progress. Rory dear, why don’t you save the rest of the paper till later hmm?

RORY

Ok. [to Grandpa] If I hug you, is it gonna hurt?

RICHARD

Pain is part of life. [she hugs him]

EMILY

This little girl likes you.

RICHARD

Well, she has good taste.

RORY

Where’s mom?

LUKE

Looking for coffee.

RORY

What are you doing?

LUKE

Staring at my shoes.

RORY

Ok, carry on.

EMILY

Well I finally found you some decent pillows, they’re not down but at least they give a little.

RICHARD

Emily, we need to talk.

EMILY

Can you life your head at all?

RICHARD

This is serious.

EMILY

Just a little.

RICHARD

There is a key in my top desk drawer.

EMILY

Better yes?

RICHARD

It is to the safe.

EMILY

One more time.

RICHARD

All of our stock information is in there, plus all of the insurance information.

EMILY

Now if I could just find you some different sheets.

RICHARD

Our will is in my lower left drawer, Denis has a copy in case there’s a problem.

EMILY

Maybe I could get Dava to bring some from home -

RICHARD

Emily, this is serious. We have to be practical.

EMILY

I’m gonna have Dava get those -

RICHARD

Emily listen to me, if I die -

EMILY

No!

RICHARD

Emily.

EMILY

Richard Gilmore, there may be many things happening in this hospital tonight but your dying is not one of them.

RICHARD

But -

EMILY

No! I did not sign on to your dying. And it is not going to happen. Not tonight, not for a very long time. In fact, I demand to go first. Do I make myself clear?

RICHARD

Yes Emily. You may go first.

EMILY

Good. I’m gonna get you those sheets. [picks up the phone as Richard takes her hand and holds it.]

RORY

No luck?

LORELAI

I think I’m wearing it down.

RORY

You’re pathetic.

LORELAI

Is the doctor back?

RORY

Not yet.

LORELAI

So, you have a visitor tonight.

RORY

Yeah? Who?

LORELAI

Narcolepsy boy.

RORY

Dean came over?

LORELAI

Oh yeah. He pulled the old ‘tapping on the window’ bit.

RORY

Were you mean?

LORELAI

Excuse me, I am never mean.

RORY

You were mean.

LORELAI

He told me nothing happened.

RORY

Nothing did.

LORELAI

I know.

RORY

You do? Really?

LORELAI

Rory, there are only two things that I totally trust in this entire world. The fact that I will never be able to understand what Charo is saying no matter how long she lives in this country - and you.

RORY

Hopefully not in that order.

LORELAI

You just have to understand the major panic factor that went on there.

RORY

I do, I really do and I’m so sorry. Nothing like that will ever happen again. I swear.

LORELAI

Don’t swear.

RORY

Why not?

LORELAI

Because you are your mother’s daughter.

RORY

What does that mean.

LORELAI

It means things can happen, even when you don’t really mean for them to happen.

RORY

They will not happen.

LORELAI

Hmm. Ok

RORY

I hated going to that party tonight without you.

LORELAI

I hated you going to that party tonight without me. How were the apple tarts?

RORY

Oh, Grandma didn’t make them this year.

LORELAI

Really?

RORY

Yup.

LORELAI

That’s weird.

RORY

I know.

LORELAI

Hmm, are you lying?

RORY

Through my teeth.

LORELAI

Good girl.

EMILY

Oh, hello [sees Luke sitting there.]

LUKE

Hi.

EMILY

If you don’t mind, I think I need to just -

LUKE

Oh sure. Sit, please. How is he?

EMILY

Oh you know he’s - I don’t know. [playing with Grandpa’s tie]

LUKE

It’s a nice tie.

EMILY

It’s Brooks Brothers.

LUKE

Ah.

EMILY

It was bothering him tonight. I told him not to loosen it. I wanted him to look nice for our guests, so he didn’t. And then well...The paramedics took it off him on the way here. I just haven’t been able to put it down yet [sniffles] I must sound crazy.

LUKE

I’ve kept my father’s entire store just the way he left it.

EMILY

Really?

LUKE

Well I turned it into a diner, but I kept all his stuff on the walls, his pictures in the office, even the ‘Hardware’ sign.

EMILY

I’m sure he would’ve appreciated having his life’s worked being honored like that.

LUKE

He would’ve called me a damn fool.

EMILY

Oh, well. I don’t know what Lorelai’s told you about her father, I can certainly imagine, but he’s a very good man. He always did the right thing for his family.

LUKE

That’s what she told me.

EMILY

So what exactly is going on between the two of you?

LUKE

Nothing. Really. We’re friends, that’s it.

EMILY

You’re idiots, the both of you.

EMILY

There you are, where have you been?

LORELAI

Coffee hunt. So what’s going on?

LUKE

Your mother called me an idiot.

LORELAI

Wow, you must have sucked up good.

EMILY

Well I’m going to go wash my face [leaves taking Rory with her.]

LUKE

So whatcha gonna do?

LORELAI

[sighs] Ok, well, I’m just gonna...

LUKE

I’ll be here.

EMILY

...I’ve heard for such a long time. Richard, how are you darling?

JOSHUA

Well Richard, it looks like we’re gonna be stuck with you for a while longer. It was just a touch of angina.

EMILY

But you have to watch your diet.

JOSHUA

Yes, that’s going to be very important. No more red meat, heavy desserts and you’re going to have to exercise regularly.

EMILY

Golf doesn’t count.

RORY

So can he go home?

JOSHUA

We’d like to keep him over night though, just to be sure.

RORY

But he’s fine.

JOSHUA

As long as he does what he’s told, yes. [Lorelai sneaks out]

LUKE

I heard, everything’s ok.

LORELAI

Yeah, yeah. They’re going to keep him over night but - but he’s going to be fine. [cries]

LUKE

Hey. [Luke hugs her] Ok, see here’s where the guy is supposed to give the girl his handkerchief but I don’t have one...and plus I find the practice a little revolting so...

LORELAI

No, I’m ok.

LUKE

You sure?

LORELAI

Yeah.

LUKE

Alright. Oh hey, I got this for you.

LORELAI

Ah, where’d you get that?

LUKE

Nurse’s lounge.

LORELAI

Uh-huh.

LUKE

What? You’re not the only one who can flirt [Lorelai laughs] The door was open.

LORELAI

Thank you.

LUKE

Anything else I can do?

LORELAI

Could you take Rory home?

LUKE

Yeah sure. What about you?

LORELAI

I’m gonna stick around here for a while and make sure everything’s are settled you know. You take her and I’ll drive the jeep back.

LUKE

Ok. [Rory comes out]

RORY

He’s gonna be fine.

LORELAI

Yeah, yeah. I think it was those financial papers that really did the trick. [they giggle] So, um, Luke’s gonna take you home ok, I’m gonna hang out here for a while.

RORY

I’ll stay too.

LUKE

No, go, call Dean. Talk mushy to each other and then spend an hour arguing over who’s going to hang up first.

RORY

You are gross.

LORELAI

I’ll call you later.

RORY

Ok, well tell him good bye for me. And tell Grandpa I’ll come back tomorrow.

LORELAI

Ok, I will, bye.

RORY

Bye.

LUKE

Ok, walk fast and look straight ahead.

EMILY

He’s almost asleep.

LORELAI

Good.

EMILY

Where’s Rory?

LORELAI

I sent her home with Luke.

EMILY

What about you?

LORELAI

I thought I’d stick around in case anybody needed anything.

EMILY

Really?

LORELAI

I mean not you. You obviously don’t need anything, but somebody somewhere in this hospital might at some point need something and I’m gonna be the person who gets it for them.

EMILY

Would you like to go down to the cafeteria for something to eat?

LORELAI

Yes. Maybe somebody in the cafeteria will need something.

EMILY

Oh dear.

LORELAI

And won’t they feel lucky when they see me. ‘Hey I needed something and there you were’, it’s going to be a great moment.

LORELAI

Hello.

LUKE

Hey, how’s your dad?

LORELAI

Better, though he says that life is not life unless it includes a steak. How come you’re not out with everybody?

LUKE

I had some things to do.

LORELAI

Right, anyways, this is for you. [giving him a bag]

LUKE

What’s it for?

LORELAI

Just thank you, Christmas, whatever.

LUKE

Christmas isn’t for two weeks.

LORELAI

Do we really have to do this again? [he opens the present. It’s a baseball hat] I just thought, you know, God forbid something happens to that one, you might need a spare. Here [put it on forwards] Does that look wrong. [puts in on backwards] There! Oh hey turn out the lights [going to the window]

LUKE

For what? It’s not the real procession, it’s just the rehearsal.

LORELAI

So, it’s pretty.

LUKE

And why do they need to rehearse it? It’s the same thing every year.

LORELAI

Come on Luke, please. [he turns out the lights and joins her by the window] It’s hard to imagine living somewhere else isn’t it?

LUKE

Thanks for the hat.

LORELAI

You’re welcome. Looks good on you.

LUKE

Good how?

LORELAI

Just watch the procession.