T1E20: “P.S - I Lo…”

LORELAI

So then he starts ripping my twenty dollar bill into like a million pieces. And I'm thinking to myself, there is a store full of people, why am I the one on line with the crazy magician? (Rory yawns) Okay, I'll cut to the end. So he couldn't put it back together again and he had to pay me back in quarters.

RORY

Very good story.

LORELAI

You look tired.

RORY

I just haven't been sleeping very well lately.

LORELAI

How come?

RORY

Just have a lot on my mind.

LORELAI

Anything I can do?

RORY

Flag down the coffee.

LORELAI

Arm going up now. Honey, you gotta wake up. Wanna play?

RORY

One, two, three?

LORELAI

I'll go first.

RORY

And one.

LORELAI

Pass.

RORY

Why?

LORELAI

Because I'm not Anna Nicole Smith. Next.

RORY

Two.

LORELAI

Hmm, pass.

RORY

Why?

LORELAI

Because I'm not Mary Kay LeTourneau.

RORY

Okay.

LUKE

What are you looking for?

LORELAI

My new husband.

RORY

She's already passed up two perfectly good prospects.

LORELAI

But I'm feeling pretty good about number three.

LUKE

Do I want to know what you're doing?

RORY

Hey, Luke came to the table, does that make him number three?

LUKE

No.

LORELAI

You don't even know what we're doing.

LUKE

The safest answer in anything involving the two of you is no.

LORELAI

We're playing one, two, three, he's yours.

LUKE

I didn't ask.

RORY

You can take the first guy that walks by, or if you decide to pass, assuming there's somebody better out there, you can take the next guy that walks by, or if you don't take him, you're automatically stuck with the third guy.

LORELAI

Got it?

LUKE

I'm not playing.

LORELAI

Well of course not. Its still my turn.

RORY

Okay, guy number 3 is crossing the street right now.

LUKE

Why am I looking?

LORELAI

Because it's like a train wreck.

LORELAI

Aww, no!

RORY

Daddy!

LORELAI

Not Kirk!

RORY

Maybe he'll buy me a pony.

LORELAI

I wanna go back to the old guy.

LUKE

Congratulations man.

KIRK

Uh, thank you.

KIRK

What?

LORELAI

Nothing

KIRK

Okay, did somebody put the kick me sign on my back again?

KIRK

It wasn't funny last week and it's not funny now! I have asthma.

RORY

Mom, quick he's leaving!

LORELAI

Oh no, Kirk come back, I love you! Drat. All right, your turn.

RORY

I don't know Mom. You already got Kirk, how's a girl to top that?

LORELAI

You're right, he's yours.

RORY

And one.

LORELAI

Okay, so, we should order.

RORY

Yeah, ordering's good.

MICHEL

Independence Inn, Michel speaking.

MAX

Yes, is Ms. Gilmore there?

MICHEL

I'm sorry, she's busy, how may I assist you?

MAX

Actually, I need to speak to Ms. Gilmore.

MICHEL

Is this business or personal?

MAX

Personal.

MAX

Is anybody there? Hello?

LORELAI

Yes, Hello, hi.

MAX

Lorelai?

LORELAI

Max!

MAX

Is this a bad time?

LORELAI

No such thing. Where are you?

MAX

I am in the teacher's lounge.

LORELAI

Hmm, what are you wearing?

MAX

Nothing.

LORELAI

You must be very popular.

MAX

And chilly.

LORELAI

I thought we had a chat date tonight.

MAX

We did, but I was thinking about something and I wanted to run it by you.

LORELAI

Okay.

MAX

So. .

LORELAI

Ooh, hey, make a gorilla sound.

MAX

Why?

LORELAI

I want to play Wild Kingdom.

MAX

I am not making a gorilla sound.

LORELAI

I'll tell you what color underwear I'm wearing. (pause) Had you considering the gorilla sound, didn't I?

MAX

Yup.

LORELAI

I'm good.

MAX

Okay, I need you to be serious now.

LORELAI

Says the man with no pants.

MAX

We've been having these very successful phone calls for a couple of weeks now.

LORELAI

Yes we have.

MAX

And I think that all the talking has done us a lot of good.

LORELAI

Yes it has.

MAX

So I was thinking that maybe this weekend instead of a phone call, we should have a date. Let's have dinner.

LORELAI

Hmm, at the same restaurant?

MAX

At the same table.

LORELAI

Interesting idea.

MAX

I think its time.

LORELAI

You know what? So do I.

MAX

Saturday night, 8 o'clock?

LORELAI

Okay, wear some pants.

MAX

I make no promises.

LORELAI

Bye.

LANE

Salt and vinegar.

RORY

Thank you.

LANE

Here's your gum, your soda, your New Yorker, and your dental floss.

RORY

Aw, they didn't have the minty kind?

LANE

They were out.

RORY

Well, this is good too.

LANE

He wasn't in there.

RORY

What?

LANE

Dean. He wasn't in there.

RORY

Oh.

LANE

In case you were wondering.

RORY

I wasn't.

LANE

Okay, well I just thought you might be. So I mentioned it.

RORY

Well, I'm not.

LANE

Okay.

RORY

Okay.

LANE

I just thought you'd might like to know for future reference that Dean is not in the store on Wednesdays so you can mark it down on that little list you're hiding from me that says where Dean is so that you can avoid him at any time.

RORY

I was not avoiding the market.

LANE

Oh, my mistake.

RORY

I wasn't.

LANE

Okay. So what are you doing tonight?

RORY

Well homework, and then homework, and if I get all that done in time, some homework. You?

LANE

I have to meet my science partner.

RORY

Fun.

LANE

Yes, science is fun.

RORY

Call you later?

LANE

Okay.

RORY

Hey Lane?

LANE

Yeah?

RORY

You're sure he wasn't in there?

LANE

I asked.

LORELAI

Hey.

LUKE

Oh hey.

LORELAI

Doing a little shopping?

LUKE

Yeah, I just had a couple things to pick up.

LORELAI

At the cat club?

LUKE

Yeah.

LORELAI

You had a couple things to pick up at the cat club?

LUKE

Yeah I did, okay?

LORELAI

Okay, I just never took you for a cat lover, a 97 year old woman, or. . . Hey what'd you buy?

LUKE

Nothing.

LORELAI

You've got a little bag there.

LUKE

I know that.

LORELAI

It's got a cat paw stamped on it and a little cat nip bow.

LORELAI

Wise man. (Lorelai pulls a pot holder out of the bag.) Wow, pot holders.

LUKE

Yes.

LORELAI

Little kitty pot holders. (she pushes a button that makes them meow.) They meow.

LUKE

It's a present.

LORELAI

For someone you hate?

LUKE

It's Rachel's birthday okay. And don't say anything, she doesn't want anybody to know. She hates birthdays.

LORELAI

Not as much as she's gonna hate these pot holders.

LUKE

I don't know how to buy gifts, okay, I don't like to buy gifts. I don't like getting gifts. I mean, this whole gift giving and getting process is completely insane.

LORELAI

The rant begins!

LUKE

I mean suddenly, on a certain date, the level of my affection for a person isn't measured by the way that I treat them or what we share.

LORELAI

No!

LUKE

I mean just because I didn't buy her furry slippers or a giant shoe tree, all of a sudden, I suck.

LORELAI

Luke, stop. You know you cannot give her these pot holders.

LUKE

Yeah I know.

LORELAI

Why don't you go to the mall and walk around a little?

LUKE

No, no malls.

LORELAI

Luke.

LUKE

I hate malls.

LORELAI

Ladies and gentlemen, rant number two.

LUKE

They underpay employees and overprice merchandise, they contribute to urban sprawl, they encourage materialism, and the parking's a horror. You drive in, you pay a buck, and even if you're only there for five. .

LORELAI

Okay, Emma Goldman, I'll tell you what. I'll go for you.

LUKE

You're gonna shop for me?

LORELAI

I've got the day off tomorrow. I was gonna go anyway.

LUKE

You're serious?

LORELAI

I'll go get a bunch of stuff, all returnable. I'll bring it to you. You can pick what you want and the rest I'll return. I'll do all the work; all you'll have to do is point.

LUKE

Point.

LORELAI

One finger, preferably your index.

LUKE

I don't know.

LORELAI

Luke, this is the first special occasion you and Rachel have shared since she's been back. Don't you want to give her something nice?

LUKE

Well I am taking her out to dinner.

LORELAI

Luke.

LUKE

Yeah, I gotta get her something nice.

LORELAI

So then let me help.

LUKE

All right, thank you.

LORELAI

Oh, you're welcome.

LUKE

Nothing too out there, okay? She's not into all that trendy stuff. She likes simple, clean nature, okay. Elephants, candles, okay. Oh hey, if you can find a candle shaped like an elephant, that would . .

LORELAI

Okay, you know what, I've got it all under control.

LUKE

Okay, thanks.

LORELAI

Okay. (Lorelai hands him back the bag with the pot holders in it.) Get rid of these.

DEAN

Hello? Lane? Are you here?

DEAN

Geez.

MRS. KIM

Who are you? Why you call Lane?

DEAN

I Uh.

MRS. KIM

How you know Lane?

DEAN

Well. . .

MRS. KIM

You date her?

DEAN

No.

MRS. KIM

You try to?

DEAN

No.

MRS. KIM

Then why you here?

DEAN

I . . .

MRS. KIM

Empty your pockets

DEAN

Okay, I'm gonna go now.

LANE

Dean! Wait, wait.

MRS. KIM

Who's Dean?

DEAN

I'm Dean.

MRS. KIM

How you know Dean?

LANE

We go to school together.

MRS. KIM

You do?

DEAN

Yeah, we're science partners.

MRS. KIM

You don't talk!

DEAN

Sorry.

MRS. KIM

You're science partners?

LANE

Yes Mama, I invited him over to work.

MRS. KIM

Work?

LANE

On our science project.

MRS. KIM

Reproduction?

LANE

Spores, molds and fungus.

MRS. KIM

Science project?

LANE

Yes.

MRS. KIM

For school?

LANE

Yes Mama.

MRS. KIM

You're not dating?

LANE

No Mama.

MRS. KIM

Okay, follow me. (leads them into the kitchen) You sit here. You sit here. I'm going over there, when I come back over here, these chairs will be in same place. No moving, you understand?

LANE

Yes mama.

DEAN

Not you, him!

DEAN

Uh, yes, I understand.

MRS. KIM

I see all. (Mrs. Kim leaves the kitchen.)

DEAN

So that's your mom?

LANE

That's my mom.

DEAN

Has she seen Patton?

LANE

She just gets uptight about boys.

DEAN

I sensed something like that.

LANE

Its nothing personal.

DEAN

I know, I'm sure once she gets to know me she'll. . .

LANE

Oh no, she'll hate you forever. It's just nothing personal.

DEAN

Uh, we should probably get started.

LANE

Chapter twelve?

DEAN

Sounds good. (They both open their books and start reading.) Is this weird for you?

LANE

A little.

DEAN

Me too. I didn't know if maybe Rory told you to hate me or something.

LANE

That's not Rory.

DEAN

Yeah I know. How is she?

LANE

Good.

DEAN

Good?

LANE

Good-ish.

DEAN

Oh.

LANE

Less good than ish.

DEAN

Yeah? How much less?

LANE

You know we're breaking our agreement.

DEAN

What agreement?

LANE

Out agreement not to talk about Rory.

DEAN

We didn't have an agreement not to talk about Rory.

LANE

Well it was an unspoken agreement.

DEAN

Well it was really unspoken 'cause nobody spoke it.

LANE

Well I just think that if we have to study together it would be better if we didn't discuss Rory.

DEAN

Fine.

LANE

Fine. (pause) You know, she can't go into the market.

DEAN

Why not?

LANE

Because you're there.

DEAN

Not on Wednesdays

LANE

Already noted.

DEAN

[Sigh]

LANE

Can I ask you a really personal question?

DEAN

You can ask, I might not answer.

LANE

Do you think you and Rory will ever get back together?

DEAN

Hey, how about we go back to the no talking about Rory agreement?

LANE

Look, I'm just saying that I . . .

RORY

I should've called. I'm sorry.

LANE

Rory! I'm sorry I didn't tell you.

RORY

It doesn't matter.

LANE

I didn't think you'd want to know.

RORY

I got it.

LANE

Rory stop. (Rory keeps walking.) Okay, that's the opposite of stop.

RORY

Lane, forget it. You didn't tell me, now I know. Life goes on.

LANE

Don't be mad.

RORY

I'm fine. I have to go.

LORELAI

Time to get up. Hey, I have a huge dilemma that I need your opinion on.

RORY

What!

LORELAI

Am I more beautiful today than I was yesterday?

RORY

Oh boy.

LORELAI

I'm just not sure. I mean at first I looked in the mirror and I thought, well yes, definitely, huge improvement.

RORY

Can I have my pillow back?

LORELAI

But then I thought maybe its not that I'm more beautiful today. Maybe I was just as beautiful yesterday, only I lacked the self-esteem to recognize it.

RORY

I'm gonna go take a shower.

LORELAI

Well, hurry up and I'll drive you to school.

RORY

No thanks. (Gets out of bed and walks over to her bureau.)

LORELAI

Why so charming this morning?

RORY

I had an annoying visit from the Stars Hollow wake up fairy. Where's my tie?

LORELAI

In your drawer.

RORY

I'm looking in the drawer.

LORELAI

Hmm. Check the living room

RORY

Why would my tie be in the living room?

LORELAI

Because it's been seeing the doily on the coffee table. I'm sorry, I did not want you to find out this way.

RORY

Don't take this personally, but get out.

LORELAI

Okay, you're crabby. Do you know what the perfect cure for crabbiness is? A fabulous trip to the mall. Huh? What do you say? You can blow off school and come with me. We can shop, go to the movies, maybe talk a little.

RORY

No thanks.

LORELAI

Come on, just this once. It might make you feel better.

RORY

I feel fine and I don't want to shop.

LORELAI

Honey, I know you've been in a funk over Dean, but you have to try not to dwell on it all the time.

RORY

I'm gonna be late for school.

LORELAI

Okay, then just meet me in town around four, and we'll get some Indian food and spoil our dinner. What do you say to that?

RORY

Whatever.

LORELAI

Hey, love the enthusiasm. Hey, does "Up With People" know about you?

LUKE

Luke's. Yeah. Hang on. Okay. Cheeseburger. Fries well. Vanilla shake. Coke. Yes we have salad. One salad with cheese, one with ranch. Got it, 20 minutes. (hangs up the phone) What the hell is this?

LORELAI

The results of my shopping trip all accomplished in two hours.

LUKE

Impossible.

LORELAI

I'm a savant.

LUKE

And everything's returnable.

LORELAI

Yes, yes, now sit down and relax. Let me show you what I got.

LUKE

Can I have my credit card back?

LORELAI

Fine. (Takes the card out of her purse and hands it you Luke.)

LUKE

Looks tired.

LORELAI

Where's Rachel?

LUKE

She's out running some errands.

LORELAI

Good. Okay, last week we were talking about Meryl Streep and the whole accent thing and Rachel said that she loved "Out of Africa" but she'd never read the book, remember?

LUKE

Nope.

LORELAI

Okay, so I was like, "Are you crazy? Isak Dinesen is amazing, I love her." Which is kind of crap because I'd never read the book either, but Rory told me it was amazing, so I felt pretty confident in my recommendation of "Out of Africa". (Pulls the book out of a shopping bag and hands it to Luke.)

LUKE

You bought her a book?

LORELAI

No, you bought her a book, to be put in her brand new camera bag. (Pulls the camera bag out of another shopping bag.)

LUKE

She's got a camera bag.

LORELAI

It's nylon.

LUKE

So?

LORELAI

This one's leather. Beautiful leather. Feel it, smell it.

LUKE

I'm not gonna smell that bag.

LORELAI

Fine, don't smell it, but trust me, she's gonna love it. Her old bag is falling apart so she was gonna get a new one eventually and now you will have beaten her to it.

LUKE

So it's practical.

LORELAI

And pretty!

LUKE

Well, that seems right.

LORELAI

You like?

LUKE

Yeah thanks.

LORELAI

Good.

LUKE

What's all this? (gestures to the other shopping bags.)

LORELAI

Well Luke, timing is a beautiful thing.

LUKE

It is?

LORELAI

It is. So I'm at the mall, and I've already found Rachel's gifts, and I've had two sugar cinnamon pretzels and I'm buzzed on the sugar and jazzed about the purchases and I decide to take a victory lap through Bloomingdale's, and it just so happens that there was an amazing sale in the men's department. I mean gorgeous stuff. Look at this. (pulls a sweater out of a bag) Huh! Forty percent off! I got three different colors!

LUKE

For who?

LORELAI

For you.

LUKE

For me?

LORELAI

Yeah. (walks over to another bag and pulls out a pair of pants) And then of course, beautiful pants. So soft, I don't know what this fabric is but I think I wanna have its baby.

LUKE

Okay, hold on a minute here.

LORELAI

(walks over to another bag and pulls out a belt.) Also, I got this fabulous belt to go with the sweater and the pants. Simple. Black. But look at the buckle.

LUKE

I don't need a belt.

LORELAI

Great buckle! Sixty percent off, can you believe it?

LUKE

No I cant. Look. .

LORELAI

(walks over to another bag and pulls out some shirts) Oh and I also picked up a couple of shirty shirts in case you didn't have a nice one to go with your suit.

LUKE

What suit?

LORELAI

This one! (grabs a garment bag, holds it up, and unzips it)

LUKE

Did no one at that mall notice that you were going through some sort of psychotic episode?

LORELAI

This suit. 175 percent off.

LUKE

You were not supposed to be shopping for me.

LORELAI

Well I thought you might like a little something new to wear when you take Rachel out tonight.

LUKE

Well thank you but take it back.

LORELAI

Aw, just try them on.

LUKE

No way.

LORELAI

You might like how you look.

LUKE

I'm fine with the clothes I have.

LORELAI

Okay, see this blazer? It was 175 thousand percent off.

LUKE

Why the sudden need to dress me?

LORELAI

I just thought you might look nice in some of these things and since they were 600 thousand percent off. .

LUKE

No!

LORELAI

Come on Luke, just try something on. How about this sweater?

LUKE

No!

LORELAI

Okay, how about the pants? Pretty pants!

LUKE

I'm not trying anything on.

LORELAI

Hey, its not like the lumberjack look will ever go out; it won't. But just once wouldn't it be nice not to be dressed like an extra from "Seven Brides for Seven Brothers"?

LUKE

Take it back.

LORELAI

Come on. Just the jacket. Just once, be too sexy for your shirt and do a little dance on the catwalk.

LUKE

Get away from me you mental patient!

MAX

If we read his works in order we can see his progression from a narrative of clear simplicity to one of one of rich complexity. Now this is not homework but I strongly urge you, if you have not already read "The Art of Fiction", read it. It's a remarkable manifesto that contains basic trues that still apply to fiction in any form.

MAX

All right, so Henry James, the man of the moment. Pick your book. Read it carefully. A full report on my desk one week from today. Any questions? Ms. Gilmore, any questions?

PARIS

Oops.

MAX

Ms. Gilmore?

RORY

Yes?

MAX

Did you hear the assignment?

RORY

Um no, I'm sorry.

MAX

Henry James. Pick your novel. A report on my desk in one week. You got it?

RORY

Yes. I got it.

MAX

See you tomorrow.

PARIS

You didn't take one note. You resorting to the osmosis theory of learning?

RORY

Why do you care?

PARIS

I don't, just making an observation.

RORY

Great, we'll build a dome over you and jam a telescope in your head.

MAX

Ms. Gilmore, can I talk to you for a minute?

RORY

Oh, okay.

LOUISE

Tootles.

MADELINE

Ta.

PARIS

I'll get working on that dome.

MAX

So, how are you?

RORY

Fine.

MAX

Seemed a little distracted today.

RORY

Oh. I didn't sleep well last night.

MAX

You've seemed to be a little distracted for quite a while now.

RORY

My grades are fine.

MAX

I'm not concerned about your grades. I'm concerned about you. Look Rory, I know that you've been going through kind of a tough time lately and I just want you to know, if you want to talk, I'm here.

RORY

Tough time?

MAX

Breakups are really hard. We've all been there.

RORY

How do you know about that?

MAX

Your mom told me.

RORY

She what?

MAX

Please, don't be upset at her. It just came out in one of our conversations. She was very concerned about you, very frustrated because. .

RORY

You've been talking to my mom?

MAX

Well yes.

RORY

Since when?

MAX

Its been a couple, 3 weeks now I guess.

RORY

Are you dating?

MAX

No, not really, I mean we were talking about possibly this weekend having dinner. You didn't know anything about this, did you? (Rory shakes head her head no) Well the look on your face makes perfect sense now. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to spring this on you like this.

RORY

Its fine, don't worry about it.

MAX

I'm sure your mom was gonna tell you soon.

RORY

I'm sure too.

MAX

Okay, so . .

RORY

Bus.

MAX

Excuse me?

RORY

If I don't go I'm gonna miss it.

MAX

Right, go ahead.

RORY

Thanks for the talk.

MAX

Any time.

LORELAI

Come on!

LUKE

(from off camera)

I hate you, very much.

LORELAI

Save the sweet talk for Rachel. Get out here!

LORELAI

Excuse me sir, do you know where Luke is?

LUKE

Very funny.

LORELAI

Oh my God, Luke, is that you?

LUKE

I feel ridiculous.

LORELAI

That's because you don't have the belt on. (Takes the belt out of the bag and walks over to him.) Here.

LUKE

What are you doing?

LORELAI

Its called accessorizing.

LUKE

I can put a belt on by myself, thank you.

LORELAI

Okay, sorry. Hmm.

LUKE

What?

LORELAI

I just. . .

LUKE

What?

LORELAI

I just have exceptional taste is all. Turn around.

LUKE

What?

LORELAI

I just wanna make sure it all fits. Turn around. (Luke turns around.) Uh huh, uh huh.

MAN AT COUNTER

Hey Fabio, I need the ketchup.

LUKE

Can you get that guy some ketchup?

LORELAI

Why me?

LUKE

Because if I spill any stuff on this I won't be able to return it.

LORELAI

You're not returning those clothes.

LUKE

Oh yes I am.

LORELAI

Here, try on the suit again.

LUKE

I already tried it on twice.

LORELAI

I know, but I want to see it with the black shirt.

LUKE

I'm not wearing a black suit with a black shirt.

LORELAI

Regis does.

LUKE

Okay, you've won me over now.

LORELAI

At least try on the jacket again. (helps Luke put the jacket on)

LUKE

This is how you like your guys, all GQ'ed up huh?

LORELAI

Its not GQ'ed up, its just a little less casual.

LUKE

And you don't like casual.

LORELAI

I like casual fine.

LUKE

Just not on me.

LORELAI

No, it just adds variety. Its not lets make a new Luke, its lets see another side of the old one.

LUKE

Uh huh.

LORELAI

You missed a loop. Come here. (Starts fixing his belt) What did you do?

LUKE

Oh hi.

LORELAI

Oh hi. Uh, this is not what it looks like.

RACHEL

It looks like you're dressing him.

LORELAI

Then this is exactly what it looks like.

LUKE

There was a sale at Bloomingdale's and she. .

LORELAI

Six trillion percent off.

LUKE

How can you walk away from that, huh? (pause) I'm gonna change now.

LORELAI

Good, uh, I'm gonna get Rory and just enjoy the clothes.

LUKE

I will.

LORELAI

Okay good. See you later Rachel.

RACHEL

Bye.

LORELAI

Bye (Lorelai leaves)

LUKE

I'm gonna change.

RACHEL

Okay.

LANE

Hi.

RORY

Hi.

LANE

I thought you might like some coffee, since you always do.

RORY

Thanks.

LANE

So this feels very awkward.

RORY

You know, I'm a big girl Lane. I don't need you to protect me from things.

LANE

I just didn't want to make you any sadder than you already are.

RORY

How is you telling me that Dean is your study partner gonna make me sadder?

LANE

I don't even want to bring up his name around you.

RORY

That's crazy.

LANE

Have you seen your face when you mention Dean?

RORY

My face is fine.

LANE

Your face is not fine. Your face is far from fine.

RORY

I'll get over it.

LANE

Well you're not over it yet.

RORY

Maybe I'd get over it a little quicker if everyone weren't so busy running around trying to protect me from all the bad scary things in the world.

LANE

Fine, I won't protect you anymore.

RORY

Great, glad to hear it.

LANE

Next time we're walking down the street and you're about to walk head long into oncoming traffic, I'll just give you a little push.

RORY

Exactly what I'm talking about.

LANE

And in the spirit of not protecting you anymore, I was gonna tell you that I couldn't study tonight because I had bible class, but that's not true. I have to meet Dean again.

RORY

Great. Thanks for the honesty.

LANE

And I'll probably have to see him again this weekend because the project's due on Monday.

RORY

Whatever. I don't care. I'll see you when I'll see you.

LANE

Fine.

RORY

Fine.

LANE

Bye.

LORELAI

Hey, where's Lane going?

RORY

Away.

LORELAI

Okay, you've been in this mood for a week now and while I love the unexpected ups and downs of motherhood, I've got to say I'm tired of Goofus and I'd like my Gallant back.

RORY

You can't just say a normal sentence right? Just 'Hey, lets talk' is too dull for you.

LORELAI

Hey lets talk.

RORY

About what? Oh wait I know. How about you and Mr. Medina?

LORELAI

What?

RORY

I've heard you've gotten back together again.

LORELAI

Did you talk to Max?

RORY

He had me stay after class today to talk about my difficult breakup situation.

LORELAI

We are not dating. We had been talking and we just now decided to start dating.

RORY

Why didn't you tell me you'd been talking?

LORELAI

Because it was too much like the whole Todd and Nevina Cutler thing.

RORY

The what?

LORELAI

When I was in junior high, I had a boyfriend, Todd something or other. Not a soul mate, but I was crazy about him and he dumped me. I was completely crushed and I could do nothing except lie around and cry and listen to Air Supply, very low point in my life. Two days after the breakup my best friend Nevina Cutler got back together with her boyfriend, Randy something or other, who had dumped her days before Todd dumped me. And she was so happy and gloaty and couldn't stop talking about how great it was that she had her boyfriend back that it made me feel horrible.

RORY

The end. Lets go.

LORELAI

Look, I didn't want to be Nevina Cutler, okay? You were so miserable about Dean. What was I supposed to do? Walk in and say, 'Sorry about you and Dean but I got Max back and aren't we happy.' Would that have been good?

RORY

That would've been great.

LORELAI

I was going to tell you, okay? I just wanted to give you some space and a chance to come up for air. I was trying to protect you, that's all. Hey.

RORY

You know, actually, it doesn't matter whether you tell me about Max or not because you're just gonna break up again anyway.

LORELAI

Excuse me?

RORY

Well that's what you do best.

LORELAI

Hey, stop right there.

RORY

You'll break up, cry, get back together, break up. It doesn't really matter. I'd rather not have to keep track, so tell me when you're down to the final inning.

LORELAI

You know what, that is way too snotty a thing even for alternate universe Rory to say. I'd like an apology.

RORY

Fine. I apologize. Let's go home.

LORELAI

Yeah, lets go home and try that apology again.

RORY

What are you doing?

LORELAI

We need light bulbs.

RORY

We're fine.

LORELAI

We're in the dark. It'll take a minute. I assume you won't come in.

RORY

Is it Wednesday?

LORELAI

No.

RORY

Well then I can't, can I?

LORELAI

What does Wednesday have to do with anything?

RORY

Nothing. I'll meet you at home.

LORELAI

Rory, I'm back for round two. I got some silly string in case things get really ugly. (Walks into kitchen) Rory? Where are you? (Walks into living room.) Rory? Answer please. Rory?

RICHARD

This is the fourth ridiculous gathering you've dragged me to this week.

EMILY

I'm the president of the board Richard, I have to be there.

RICHARD

Saving the Berringiny pansy. Who ever heard of such a thing?

EMILY

It's a very rare flower that is rapidly disappearing from the face of this earth.

RICHARD

Well, who cares?

EMILY

As president of the horticultural society, I have to care.

RICHARD

The last thing I need is to spend four hours being bored out of my skull by the same people I'll be bored out of my skull by tomorrow night at the symphony fund-raiser.

EMILY

Which reminds me, we need to get your other tux back from the cleaners tomorrow.

RICHARD

I'll be dead tomorrow. I plan on flinging myself off the roof tonight right in the middle of Pittie Salinger's opening speech.

EMILY

Pittie Salinger is a dear friend and you will be nice to her.

RICHARD

Pittie Salinger is a dipsomaniac. I'm going to bring my newspaper. (Richard goes to find the newspaper)

EMILY

You will do no such thing. Richard, do you hear me?

EMILY

Rory!

RORY

Hi Grandma.

EMILY

Rory, is everything okay?

RORY

Everything's fine.

EMILY

Richard! Richard, pay the cab.

RICHARD

Cab? Who took a cab?

EMILY

Rory did.

RICHARD

What's Rory doing here? Hello Rory.

RORY

Hi.

EMILY

I don't know what she's doing here. Just pay the man and I'll find out.

RICHARD

For Pete's sake. (walks out to pay the cab driver)

EMILY

Come inside. So tell me, what is going on?

RORY

I had a fight with mom.

EMILY

You had a fight with your mother?

RORY

I just couldn't take it anymore. I had to get out of there.

EMILY

Out of your house?

RORY

Out of that house, that town. Everything. I just had to go.

RICHARD

He tacked on an extra five dollars just for waiting. Feel like I'm back in Prague. Do you want a cocktail?

RORY

No thanks.

EMILY

Richard!

RICHARD

Oh, sorry, sorry. I'm just a little confused here.

RORY

You're all dressed up. You were going out. I'm so sorry!

RICHARD

Oh, please, don't be.

EMILY

It doesn't matter, Rory.

RORY

I'm sorry. Please go out. I didn't mean to ruin your evening. Oh I didn't think! I should've called.

EMILY

Now you calm down right now. You do not need to call before you come over here. You are welcome any time.

RICHARD

Tonight especially.

EMILY

Do you want to talk about what happened?

RICHARD

Emily, don't pry.

EMILY

I'm not prying, Richard.

RICHARD

The girl obviously needs some peace.

EMILY

How do you know that?

RICHARD

I can tell.

EMILY

Oh, you're a mind reader now, how nice. We'll get you a turban and a little booth by the train station.

RORY

Would it be okay if I stay here tonight?

EMILY

Oh, well, of course.

RICHARD

You can stay here as long as you want.

RORY

Thanks.

EMILY

Would you like some dinner? I can get Rosa to make you something.

RORY

No, I'd just like to go to bed if that's okay.

EMILY

Of course. Whatever you like. Your room's all ready. There are pajamas in the dresser, and a new toothbrush in the bathroom. It's pink with sparkles. I thought you'd like it.

RORY

Thanks. (Rory gives Emily a hug, then walks over to hug Richard.) Goodnight Grandpa.

RICHARD

Goodnight Rory.

EMILY

(to Rory) Everything's going to be fine. (to Richard) Richard, say something encouraging.

RICHARD

Uh Rory, I'm sorry you're upset, but I applaud your timing.

RORY

See you tomorrow. (Rory goes up to her room.)

RICHARD

Emily, what is all this about?

EMILY

She had a fight with Lorelai. . . . . and she came here.

LORELAI

Mrs. Kim? It's Lorelai. Is Lane there? Well do you know where she is? Huh. That's unbelievable, you always know where she is. Um, the one time I need you to be crazy prison guard lady you're all, hey man whatever. Um, you know what, I will never be able to explain that to your satisfaction, so um could you just ask Lane to call me please when she gets back. I'm looking for Rory. No I don't know where she is. I uh. . don't "ha" me, you don't know where Lane is either. (Lorelai hangs up the phone)

LORELAI

Anything?

SOOKIE

Patty hasn't seen her but she's been working all day. She's not at the library, and she's not at Luke's.

LORELAI

Where is she? Why didn't she leave a note? Dammit!

SOOKIE

Honey calm down.

LORELAI

But Rory doesn't take off. She knows it would make me crazy. She knows it would make me worry. I'm crossing over into panic now.

SOOKIE

Don't cross. Come back.

MAX

Hey.

LORELAI

Hey.

MAX

You find her?

LORELAI

No, nothing. No one's seen her.

MAX

Okay, um, what about that old boyfriend of hers?

LORELAI

Dean! Dean!

SOOKIE

On my way. (Sookie leaves.)

LORELAI

Good suggestion. You get crisis points. Max, I'm freaking out.

MAX

Its gonna be okay. Sookie's here, I'm here. We will find her.

LORELAI

Rory?

EMILY

I just thought I should let you know that Rory is here with us.

LORELAI

What?

EMILY

She arrived a few minutes ago.

LORELAI

She's there? Is she okay?

EMILY

She's fine. She asked to spend the night.

LORELAI

Okay, um, she's there with you. So how did she get there?

EMILY

She took a cab.

LORELAI

Well, let me talk to her.

EMILY

She seems quite upset. She said you'd had a fight.

LORELAI

We had a disagreement.

EMILY

She said fight.

LORELAI

Will you just put her on the phone please, Mom.

EMILY

I think we should give her a little time to collect herself.

LORELAI

Thank you for your input. Can I please talk to my daughter?

EMILY

She went to her room Lorelai.

LORELAI

Her room is here, Mom. I'm standing here looking at her room and she's not in it.

EMILY

Lorelai, I did not come to your house and kidnap this child. She ran from you and she came here. She's tired and she's upset. Now I think we should just let her sleep and in the morning we can argue about how to best handle the situation. Maybe a little time away from each other will do both of you some good.

LORELAI

I'll pick her up in the morning.

EMILY

She has school tomorrow and her school is ten minutes from here.

LORELAI

I'll pick her up after school.

EMILY

Why don't you just call tomorrow when she gets back from school? Make sure she wants to go. You don't want to haul her back home just to have her jump in a cab again, do you?

LORELAI

I'll talk to you tomorrow.

EMILY

Good night Lorelai.

MAX

So?

LORELAI

She's with my parents in Hartford.

MAX

Good.

LORELAI

Good?

MAX

Bad?

LORELAI

Bad, very bad.

MAX

She's safe.

LORELAI

She's with my mother. No one is safe with my mother.

MAX

She needed some space.

LORELAI

No, that house is not safe. It's like the Amityville Horror without all the good times.

MAX

If it's that bad maybe you should go get her.

LORELAI

No, she wanted to get away from me. She wants to be alone. Give her her space.

MAX

Are you okay?

LORELAI

I can't believe she left me to go there. We used to always be able to work this stuff out.

MAX

What did you two fight about?

LORELAI

Oh you.

MAX

Me?

LORELAI

Well it started with the you and the fact that I hadn't told her we were talking again, but I know that was only part of it because she's been in such a bad place lately with this whole Dean thing and so, I don't know, I guess it was coming. I just wish she hadn't run away.

MAX

Hey, she will be back and you two will work everything out.

LORELAI

You're good at the comforting thing, you know?

MAX

Thank you.

LORELAI

Do you want some coffee?

MAX

Sure. Can I ask you a question?

LORELAI

I think you've earned it.

MAX

Why didn't you tell Rory about us?

LORELAI

Oh, she was just so upset about Dean, I didn't think it was the best time to give her my happy news.

MAX

Okay. But you've told other people?

LORELAI

Like what other people?

MAX

I don't know. Friends. Sookie.

LORELAI

Um, no actually, I haven't.

MAX

Any reason?

LORELAI

Just hasn't come up.

MAX

It hasn't?

LORELAI

No.

MAX

You're not by any chance avoiding talking to people about it are you?

LORELAI

No, Max, come on.

MAX

It just seems a little strange to me.

LORELAI

Why is it strange?

MAX

Well we've been talking for at least two weeks. I would've thought at some point in there it would've come up.

LORELAI

You just don't say to people out of the blue, 'Hey, Max and I are talking again.' I mean, I was just waiting for it to come up naturally.

MAX

Well yes, but somehow for me it managed to come up naturally within two days at three different times.

LORELAI

Well you're obviously a much better people person than I am.

MAX

I just want to know if there's a reason why you don't want people to know. . .

LORELAI

Max!

MAX

. . .then we should talk about that.

LORELAI

There's no reason.

MAX

Are you sure?

LORELAI

Yes I'm sure.

MAX

Okay.

LORELAI

Do you believe me?

MAX

If you said there's no reason, there's no reason.

LORELAI

There's no reason.

MAX

So you've said.

LORELAI

So I mean.

MAX

Okay.

LORELAI

All right.

MAX

That's fine.

LORELAI

Uh, I should page Sookie and tell her that Rory's okay.

MAX

That's a good idea.

RORY

Good morning.

EMILY

Rory, good morning.

RORY

Hey Grandma, any thoughts on where my skirt might be?

EMILY

I gave it to Rosa to press. Here sit down, have some breakfast. Your skirt will be done by the time you're finished.

RORY

Okay.

EMILY

Now, we have eggs, fruit, toast, pancakes, blintzes.

RORY

Anything would be fine.

EMILY

Well, what do you usually eat?

RORY

Mostly I just grab a Pop Tart.

EMILY

That sounds delicious. I'll have Rosa whip one up for you.

RORY

No, eggs would be great.

EMILY

I'll go tell her. (Emily goes into the kitchen.)

RORY

So Grandpa, what's new in the world today?

RICHARD

As usual, it's going to hell in a hand basket.

RORY

Its nice to have something you can always count on.

RICHARD

It is at that. Would you like part of the paper?

EMILY

Your eggs will be right out.

RORY

Thanks.

EMILY

So did you sleep well?

RORY

The bed was very comfortable.

EMILY

But you didn't sleep well?

RORY

No I did, I just. . .

EMILY

I talked to your mother last night. I told her you were going to stay here. She said she'd call this afternoon.

RORY

Was she mad?

EMILY

She was concerned. (pause) So do you get your lunch at school or do you bring it with you? Because Rosa made a fabulous leg of lamb yesterday. I bet it'd make a wonderful sandwich.

RICHARD

Take her up on that. It is good. And demand a slice of strudel.

RORY

Okay. I demand some strudel.

EMILY

Good. So what's going on at school today?

RORY

Uh, I have a test in Spanish.

RICHARD

Hmm. Are you prepared?

RORY

Oh yeah. I like Spanish. Biology on the other hand . . .

RICHARD

Oh, I'm still waiting for the day when my knowledge of the inner workings of a frog's intestinal system can be applied to my work in the insurance industry.

RORY

Perhaps if you were insuring the frog.

RICHARD

Ah.

RORY

Thank you. This looks great.

EMILY

Well good.

RORY

Thanks again for letting me stay.

EMILY

It's nice having you here. You got your grandfather to put down his newspaper at the breakfast table. That's a first.

RICHARD

Aw now, Emily.

EMILY

Well it is.

LUKE

Geez, what happened to you?

LORELAI

A happy 'how do you do' to you too.

LUKE

Sorry, you just look bad.

LORELAI

Well I didn't get much sleep last night.

LUKE

Why not?

LORELAI

Rory and I had a fight and she ran away.

LUKE

What! Where! Did you. .

LORELAI

She's fine. She's at my mother's.

LUKE

Geesh, throw that information in with the first part. You'll scare a person to death.

LORELAI

You know, I got in my car three times to go get her. I drove halfway there and drove back, drove halfway there and drove back. I actually ran of gas driving halfway there and back.

LUKE

She'll cool off and come home.

LORELAI

I know. Just breaking up with Dean has been so hard on her.

LUKE

Yeah.

LORELAI

I just hate that she's going through this. I mean, she's such a good kid. She's so nice to everyone, she cares about everyone. And she's walking around in this unbelievable pain and there's nothing I can do about it. She still won't talk to me. She won't tell me what happened.

LUKE

I'll tell you what happened. That Dean kid is a jerk and he finally let her know it.

LORELAI

I wish I could just pinch his head right off.

LUKE

I'll help.

LORELAI

I warned him. I warned him when I first met him, if he hurt her . . Ah. Maybe I could key his car.

LUKE

Or better yet, you can key Taylor's car and tell him Dean did it.

LORELAI

Yeah. That'd be good.

LUKE

You can key Taylor's car, tell him Dean did it and also tell him that Dean littered and walks his dog without a leash.

LORELAI

He'll run him out of town.

LUKE

Good.

LORELAI

All right. I should go. Rory's probably out of school by now and I want to be home in case she decides to call.

LUKE

Coffee's on the house.

LORELAI

Oh thanks. (stands up to leave) Hey, is that the belt I bought you?

LUKE

Oh yeah yeah yeah. The old one broke.

LORELAI

Oh, lucky you happened to have a spare.

LUKE

Yeah. Hey. She'll be home soon.

LORELAI

Got a minute?

DEAN

Actually I'm, uh. .

LORELAI

I just want to tell you that I think you are scum.

DEAN

Gee thanks.

LORELAI

You are gonna be hard pressed to find another girl as fantastic as Rory, you know that? She is beautiful and she is smart and she did not deserve to be treated that way by you.

DEAN

Treated what way?

LORELAI

I thought you were a good guy. I thought you were going to make her happy. I'm such an idiot that I actually thought you were a good pick. But I was wrong and I hate to be wrong.

DEAN

You know, I am sick and tired of everyone blaming this thing on me. I mean, you and the whole stupid town looking at me like I'm a criminal. I say 'I love you' and she just sits there and I'm the jerk? I'm the bad guy?

LORELAI

What?

DEAN

You know what? Fine, think what you want, I don't care. Just leave me alone.

LORELAI

Where is she?

EMILY

I thought you were gonna call.

LORELAI

Where is she mom?

EMILY

I haven't had any time to prepare her for this.

LORELAI

Mom where is she?

EMILY

Upstairs in her room.

LORELAI

Thank you.

EMILY

She got home from school but she just went right upstairs. Now she didn't want a snack but I had Rosa make her one anyway. I haven't checked to see if she's eaten it. She had a decent breakfast this morning but she did seem a little tired and when I went into her bathroom the aspirin bottle was out so I assume she had a headache. Now I don't know if it was last night or. .

LORELAI

Excuse me, Mr. Cosell. I appreciate the play by play but I just want to talk to my daughter now.

EMILY

Do you want me to go in there with you?

LORELAI

More than anything.

EMILY

Well try and be nice.

LORELAI

Thanks for the tip.

LORELAI

Hey.

RORY

Mom!

LORELAI

Okay, so I thought when you said, 'I'll see you at home,' you meant our home. My mistake.

RORY

I'm so sorry.

LORELAI

Its okay.

RORY

All those things. .

LORELAI

I know.

RORY

And then the. . .

LORELAI

Its no big deal

RORY

I'm just so. .

LORELAI

I know, I know, I know. So last time I saw you you were headed home, you wanna fill in the blanks?

RORY

I don't know. I just snapped and I got sick of everything. I wanted to go anywhere.

LORELAI

So you picked hell?

RORY

It was the first place that came to mind.

LORELAI

I respect that. Listen, the need to run is a feeling I am very well acquainted with. But we have to be able to talk always. No matter how mad or upset we get with each other our particular special thing only works if we agree to that, get it?

RORY

I get it.

LORELAI

Good. Rory, tell me what happened with you and Dean.

RORY

I don't want to talk about it.

LORELAI

Well I do.

RORY

Why?

LORELAI

Because I had a little chat with him today.

RORY

What? Why?

LORELAI

Well, because I was upset and I was in the mood to do a little yelling.

RORY

You didn't.

LORELAI

Did.

RORY

No.

LORELAI

There he was stacking cookies and I'm railing on him about what a great kid you are and how it sucked that he dumped you, and then he said that he told you he loved you and I started feeling a little stupid.

RORY

He did tell me.

LORELAI

And you didn't say anything?

RORY

No.

LORELAI

Well that must have been rough on him.

RORY

He looked so hurt. I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to hurt him.

LORELAI

I know.

RORY

I just got scared and I sat there.

LORELAI

I understand. You know, I'm still learning this stuff too and since I'm still learning, I think I haven't thought enough about what I'm supposed to be teaching you.

RORY

What are you talking about?

LORELAI

I'm talking about my own personal lack of commitment skills. I mean, look, I love that you have my eyes and my coffee addiction and my taste in music and movies, but when it comes to love and relationships, I don't necessarily want you to be like me. I would hate to think that I raised a kid who couldn't say I love you.

RORY

Mom.

LORELAI

I'm not even talking specifically about Dean. I mean just generally in life. For example, say you're dating Taylor Hanson.

RORY

Why am I dating Taylor Hanson?

LORELAI

It's a hypothetical scenario, go with it. So, uh, you and Taylor have been seeing each other pretty regularly. .

RORY

How did I meet Taylor Hanson?

LORELAI

You went to his concert, you got backstage, your eyes met across the crowd and you've been seeing each other ever since.

RORY

Hanson's still together?

LORELAI

They're the new Bee Gees. So. .

RORY

And why would you not stop me from going to a Hanson concert?

LORELAI

Hey, someone's trying to make a point here.

RORY

Sorry. Go ahead.

LORELAI

So you and Taylor have been dating for awhile, and things are great, and, um, you're happy, and you feel all those crazy mushy things that people feel when they're in love. I want you to be able to say to him, Taylor, I love you.

RORY

Okay, can we pick a new hypothetical 'cause this one's wigging me out.

LORELAI

My point is that it's scary to be in love, that much I know, but it's also wonderful and special and if you can't say it or fully express it then you're never gonna be able to experience it and I want you to experience everything that's great because you're so great. Are you hearing me?

RORY

Yeah, I'm hearing you.

LORELAI

I'm not saying you say "I love you" at the drop of a hat. It has to be right and real and it has to take a lot of thought. But someday with someone it will be right. I want you to be ready for that moment when it happens.

RORY

Are you ready for that moment when it happens?

LORELAI

I'm working on it. I do however know what dress I'll be wearing.

RORY

Thank you guys so much.

EMILY

It was our pleasure.

LORELAI

What do I owe you for the cab?

RICHARD

Oh, don't worry about that.

RORY

Thanks for sharing the paper.

RICHARD

Anytime.

LORELAI

And thank you mom.

EMILY

Of course. She's our granddaughter.

LORELAI

All right, we'll see you tomorrow night.

EMILY

Seven o'clock.

LORELAI

Oh really, is it seven 'cause I wasn't sure if. .

EMILY

Goodbye Lorelai.

LORELAI

Bye.

RICHARD

Well it looks like it's just the two of us again.

EMILY

I guess so.

RORY

I was almost tempted to see if she could make a Pop Tart.

LORELAI

Wow, home cooked breakfast, homemade lunch, I'm trying to remember why I left there. Oh yeah, my parents.

RORY

Funny, funny girl. (They drive by Lane's house.) Hey, let me out here.

LORELAI

Oh okay.

RORY

I'll meet you back at the house.

LORELAI

Excuse me?

RORY

I'll show up this time.

LORELAI

I'll have the pizza waiting.

MAX

Hello?

LORELAI

Now, I'm starting with the 'A's. So first up is Richie Andrews. He's either a second cousin on my mother's side or the guy who regrouted the bathroom. Either way, I think he's going to be thrilled to hear about us.

MAX

Lorelai. .

LORELAI

After I've called everyone in here, I'm going to makes sure to spread the word at the inn.

MAX

Uh huh.

LORELAI

I thought I'd put little notices in everyone's rooms: "Welcome to the Independence Inn. Max and Lorelai are back together."

MAX

Can I see you after your dinner tomorrow night?

LORELAI

Oh I don't know. I have a lot of phone calls to make. Ooh! The Internet! Let's go global!

MAX

Good night Lorelai.

LORELAI

Goodnight.

LORELAI

Hey! Richie, it's Lorelai...