T1E3: “Kill Me Now”

RICHARD

Dinner was lovely, Emily.

EMILY

Mira does make a perfect cassoulet.

LORELAI

Who's Mira?

EMILY

Our cook.

LORELAI

I thought the cook was Heidi.

EMILY

Oh, no, we let Heidi go months ago. She had a problem closing things -- the door, the refrigerator --

RICHARD

The liquor bottle.

EMILY

Then it was Trina, then Sophia.

RICHARD

Oh, I liked Sophia.

EMILY

You did not.

RICHARD

I didn't?

EMILY

She was the one who sang.

RICHARD

That's right -- terrible woman.

EMILY

And after Sophia we had Anton.

RICHARD

That's right. Anton was the one that I liked.

LORELAI

I'm sorry, Dad, how do you mix up Anton and Sophia?

RICHARD

What do you mean?

LORELAI

Well, one is a man and one is a woman.

RICHARD

And your point being?

LORELAI

That one is a man and one is a woman.

RICHARD

I have a lot to do in a day, Lorelai, I don't have time to keep up with a multitude of people that your mother employs.

LORELAI

But one is a man and one is a woman.

LORELAI

The dinner was so wonderful, Mira.

SARAH

It's Sarah.

LORELAI

Oh, I'm sorry.

LORELAI

Mom! Her name is Sarah!

EMILY

I thought she said Mira.

LORELAI

Ugh!

RORY

Hey, Grandma, these plates are really pretty.

EMILY

Thank you, Rory. They were your great-grandmother's.

RICHARD

Lorelai the first.

RORY

I thought Mom was the first.

EMILY

Not in the name.

LORELAI

No, but in so many other things I was a regular trailblazer. Just finishing your thought, Mom.

RICHARD

Lorelai the first was my mother. She was an extremely accomplished equestrian, a distinguished patron of the arts, and she was also world-famous for her masquerade balls. She was quite a woman, my mother.

EMILY

Yes she was. Mira, come cut the cake please.

LORELAI

Yes, and why don't you bring Sarah out here with you?

EMILY

So, Lorelai, how are things at that charming little inn of yours?

LORELAI

Mm -- they're still charming and little. We're just crossing our fingers it doesn't assert itself and become rude and large.

RORY

Mom's having a huge wedding there this week.

EMILY

Really?

LORELAI

Yeah, actually there's people coming from all over the country.

EMILY

Well, isn't that nice?

LORELAI

Yeah.

EMILY

Rory, how's Chilton?

LORELAI

OK, done with me now.

EMILY

I'm sorry, was there more to the story?

LORELAI

Uh, Rory has to pick a team sport to play.

RORY

It's a requirement.

RICHARD

Physical fitness is as important as intellectual fitness. So says Plato and so say I.

EMILY

What sport are you going to pick?

RORY

I'm not sure. I'm not really the athletic type.

LORELAI

I told her she should go out for the debating team.

RORY

It's not a sport.

LORELAI

It is the way the Gilmores play.

EMILY

So, what are your choices?

RORY

God, there's like a thousand of them: basketball, lacrosse, swimming, track, golf --

EMILY

Golf?

RORY

Yeah.

EMILY

Well your grandfather is a golf player.

LORELAI

Oops.

EMILY

He plays every week at the club. He could teach you to play like a pro.

RICHARD

Emily.

EMILY

Why, he could take you there on Sunday. It's perfect.

RICHARD

It's not something you can teach in an afternoon.

LORELAI

That's OK. Rory can pick something else.

EMILY

Why should she pick something else? She needs to learn a sport and Richard can teach her a sport. (to Rory) You can use your mother's old golf clubs. They're upstairs gathering dust along with the rest of her potential.

LORELAI

OK, Mom, can I maybe talk to you for a minute?

EMILY

We're having dessert.

LORELAI

I know but I'd like to talk to you fast before the sugar sets in and makes me crazy.

EMILY

You are the oddest person.

LORELAI

Too easy.

EMILY

What is so important it can't wait for cake?

LORELAI

Keep moving.

EMILY

This is as far as I can go unless you'd like me to bore my way through the wall.

LORELAI

Don't do this, Mom.

EMILY

Do what?

LORELAI

Force Rory and Dad to go golfing.

EMILY

I'm not forcing anybody.

LORELAI

Well you're manipulating the situation in a way that gives no one a way out. That's force. Look it up.

EMILY

I'm just trying to help your daughter get an education.

LORELAI

Thank you. She'll find another sport.

EMILY

Why should she?

LORELAI

Because she doesn't want to go and Dad doesn't want to take her.

EMILY

Oh, your father doesn't know what he wants. He'd get his hair cut at the butcher if I let him.

LORELAI

Let it go please.

EMILY

Well, isn't this interesting? You're afraid.

LORELAI

Of what?

EMILY

That Rory will enjoy the club and have a good time without you.

LORELAI

That's crazy.

EMILY

I agree.

LORELAI

I'm not afraid.

EMILY

Then let her go.

LORELAI

She won't enjoy it, Mom.

EMILY

Well why don't you just let Rory decide?

LORELAI

Because Rory is the sweetest kid in the whole world and she won't tell you that she doesn't want to go becasue she's too afraid of hurting your feelings.

EMILY

Oh I'm sure you can give her some coaching to help her get over that.

LORELAI

I'm not trying to hurt your feelings, Mom. Believe it or not, this is not about you.

EMILY

Of course it's about me. If Rory goes and has a good time without you, then I win.

LORELAI

OK, Bob Barker. Listen, Rory knocks herself out all week at Chilton. Weekends are the only time she has to unwind and have fun.

EMILY

With you?

LORELAI

I'm there.

EMILY

So let me get this straight. There's no way that Rory can possibly enjoy a weekend day with her grandfather.

LORELAI

You're just going to twist it all around, aren't you?

EMILY

And you know your daughter so well that you don't even have to ask her opinion on this. She'd be miserable and you know it.

LORELAI

I am so setting myself up here, but yes, she would be miserable.

EMILY

That sounds a little controlling to me.

LORELAI

Yeah I walked right into that.

EMILY

Interesting, isn't it, you being the one who's controlling?

LORELAI

I am not being --

EMILY

According to you I was the only one in the family with that particular gift.

LORELAI

Mom I never said that!

EMILY

I guess you and I are more alike that you thought, aren't we?

LORELAI

You win.

LORELAI

(sighs) Oh, man, did you get blindsided? I'm so sorry.

RORY

That's OK.

LORELAI

I tried to stop it, I swear.

RORY

I know. Maybe it won't be that bad.

LORELAI

Maybe it won't.

RORY

Maybe I'll like it.

LORELAI

Maybe you will.

RORY

Maybe you could come with me.

LORELAI

Oh, is there a "you're crazy" team? 'Cause I think they'd make you captain.

RORY

Please?

LORELAI

Rory, I love you. I would take a bullet for you. But I'd rather stick something sharp in my ear than go to the club with you.

RORY

Fine.

LORELAI

I'd rather slide down a banister of razor blades and land in a pool of alcohol than go to the club with you.

RORY

I got it.

LORELAI

Don't stop me, I'm on a roll. I'd rather eat my own hand than go to the club with you. Ooh, I'd rather get my face surgically altered to look like that lunatic rich lady with the lion head than go to the club with you.

RORY

Would you like me to drive so you can continue your diatribe?

LORELAI

Would ya? Thanks. I'd rather cut off my head and use it as a punch bowl than go to the club with you.

LORELAI

You'll walk down here over the bridge with the swans floating by and the music playing --

JACKIE

What are they doing with those purple flowers?

LORELAI

Just decorating the bridge.

JACKIE

I didn't want purple flowers. I wanted pink.

JESSICA

And I wanted blue.

LORELAI

So I thought violet would be a nice compromise.

JACKIE

But we paid for pink flowers.

JESSICA

And blue flowers.

MRS. SHALES

You did not pay for anything. I told her to decorate with violet flowers and while it's very nice of her to try to take the heat for me it's certainly not necessary. If you don't like it, buy your own flowers. (silence) Yes, I thought so. Now go away. My Advil is wearing off.

MRS. SHALES

Their father spoiled them.

LORELAI

Oh, they're just excited.

MRS. SHALES

They're spoiled. And they won't move away.

MRS. SHALES

Now, disaster list. What if it rains?

LORELAI

We'll put up tents.

MRS. SHALES

What if it's too windy?

LOREAI

Well, then we'll secure everything and put extra hair spray in everybody's hair.

MRS. SHALES

Too hot?

LORELAI

We'll use umbrellas and fans that won't cause any damage because of the things that have been secured and the hair that has been sprayed.

MRS. SHALES

So I have nothing to worry about.

LORELAI

Nope.

MRS. SHALES

Well there must be something.

LORELAI

Listen, I have everything under control. Why don't you go up to your room and have a fabulous bubble bath and I'll send up some wine and a masseuse who bears a remarkable resemblance to Antonio Banderas.

MRS. SHALES

How remarkable?

LORELAI

Get ready to applaud.

MRS. SHALES

This is my favorite place in the whole world.

LORELAI

(to an employee) Could you send Maury up to room twelve in about twenty minutes? Thanks. (to Michel) So, any problems?

MICHEL

With the wedding or my life?

LORELAI

One guess -- and I'll give you a hint: it's not your life.

MICHEL

Do you stage these events to torture me?

LORELAI

Yes.

MICHEL

Job well done.

LORELAI

OK, let's start again. Any problems?

MICHEL

Guests are checked in, baskets are given out, and 200,000 tons of Jordan almonds have been delivered.

LORELAI

OK, good. Did Rory call?

MICHEL

No.

LORELAI

Hmm. She's golfing all day with my father and I'm half expecting this big "save me" call to come in -- you don't care at all do you?

MICHEL

To me you are the teacher in the Charlie Brown cartoon.

LORELAI

OK, forget it. So, have the grooms arrived? Their plane was supposed to get in a 7 so I'm surprised they're not here by now.

MICHEL

Well maybe they made a run for it.

LORELAI

Ooh, somebody got stood up at the prom.

MICHEL

Oh. Dear.

LORELAI

What?

MICHEL

Are those -- ?

LORELAI

No. It would be too --

LORELAI

-- weird.

MICHEL

You kept this from me on purpose.

LORELAI

It's like a really snooty Doublemint commercial.

MICHEL

Just let me know when the midgets and clowns arrive.

LORELAI

Oh, no, no, no. You have to get them all settled in.

MICHEL

I'm not talking to them.

LORELAI

Yes you are.

MICHEL

Well I'm not talking to them nicely.

RICHARD

It's after 8:00. She should be here already.

EMILY

She'll be here.

RICHARD

You're supposed to tee off at your designated time.

EMILY

You pay good money to that place. You'll tee off when you tee off. Is that what you're wearing?

RICHARD

Yes.

EMILY

Hmm.

RICHARD

What's wrong with what I'm wearing?

EMILY

Nothing. It's fine.

RICHARD

This whole thing is absurd.

EMILY

She's your granddaughter.

RICHARD

She's a sixteen year old who would rather be at the mall.

EMILY

Make sure you show her all around the club, especially the rose garden.

RICHARD

I am not a guide.

EMILY

And make sure you take her to lunch and have her get dessert.

RICHARD

No one said anything about lunch.

EMILY

I hope Lorelai's clubs are still in good shape.

RICHARD

Emily you are not listening to me. I will teach her to play golf, as promised by you, but lunch is out of the question.

EMILY

You have to eat.

RICHARD

Yes, but --

EMILY

So you'll eat together. Do you ahve sunscreen?

RICHARD

Emily.

EMILY

She's here.

RICHARD

Ah, 8:30. We must remember to buy her a watch.

EMILY

Richard, so help me God, you will be sweet to this girl and make this a memorable day for her. This is the first time we've gotten to show our granddaughter off at the club and it means a great deal to my happiness -- and yours -- that this day go well. Are we clear?

EMILY

Rory, hello.

RORY

Sorry I'm late.

EMILY

Nonsense. You're right on time.

RORY

Hi, Grandpa.

RICHARD

Rory, nice to see you.

EMILY

This is a perfect day for golfing, isn't it Richard?

RICHARD

It was cooler at 8.

RORY

Am I dressed OK? I didn't have any of those short pant things.

EMILY

Well, actually there is something missing. Oh, wait a minute...

EMILY

Here you go. Now you look just like Tiger Woods.

RORY

Wow, that's some hat.

EMILY

OK, off you go, you two. Have a wonderful time.

RORY

We will.

RICHARD

You bet.

RORY

Is it hard to become a member here?

RICHARD

Everyone has to go through a thorough screening process.

RORY

Kind of like the FBI?

RICHARD

We're much more thorough than that.

RORY

Wow.

RICHARD

Yes. Did you know the merger of Forscape and D.S.S.

RORY

Really.

RICHARD

International finance will never be the same and all because of a lost golfing bet.

RORY

That's crazy.

RICHARD

Well that's high finance. Well, here we are. Now, what do you know about golf?

RORY

That it's a good walk spoiled?

RICHARD

(sighs) Well, your driver is the most powerful club in your bag, and as such, it can be your most valuable asset or your greatest liability. To wield it properly requires a precise combination of confidence and humility.

RORY

Confidence and humility. Got it.

RICHARD

There you are. That's a pretty good natural grip. Now, line the toe of your left foot up with the ball. That's right. Now, drop this shoulder a little bit. Now, keeping your left arm firm, draw the club back, swing it cleanly through the ball.

RORY

I'm betting that was wrong.

RICHARD

(wearily) There are no rights and wrongs to the learning process. Try that again.

RORY

I'm betting that was wrong.

SOOKIE

These are blueberries. I think ordered strawberries.

JACKSON

I know but --

SOOKIE

Yeah, no, I did. I wrote it down. I got a copy. (reading) Yeah, mushrooms, melon, endive, peaches, kiwi.

JACKSON

Excuse me, crazy lady --

SOOKIE

Oh I should make some kiwi ice cream. That would be good sometime.

JACKSON

Sookie!

SOOKIE

What?

JACKSON

Listen. I know you ordered strawberries but they weren't any good so instead of selling you sub-standard strawberries, I brought blueberries.

SOOKIE

I've got to make strawberry shortcake for 200 people. I think I'm gonna need strawberries.

JACKSON

Use the blueberries.

SOOKIE

To make what?

JACKSON

Blueberry shortcake.

SOOKIE

There's no such thing.

JACKSON

Hey, the world was flat until someone took a boat trip.

SOOKIE

Can I see these strawberries?

JACKSON

No.

SOOKIE

Just one?

JACKSON

No.

SOOKIE

How about a Polaroid?

JACKSON

No.

LORELAI

Coffee, coffee, coffee. Ooh, Sookie, can I take some of this cake home to Rory? She's going to need a special treat tonight. She's spending the entire day with my father golfing at the club.

SOOKIE

No.

JACKSON

Take the blueberries!

SOOKIE

No.

JACKSON

Ugh.

LORELAI

Golfing was masterminded by my mother, of course. One minute we're having an excrutiating family dinner and the next she's manipulating my kid into spending her Sunday with my father at the country club. Oh, I can't talk about it anymore. It's making me too upset. Tell me something happy.

SOOKIE

I can't make the strawberry shortcake.

LORELAI

Wow. You suck at this game.

MICHEL

The battle for soup versus salad is waging in the other room. Come quick and settle it, please, as I'm running out of French curse words that they won't understand.

JESSICA

Soup --

JACKIE

Salad... why are you making such a scene, Jessica? Jessica you are making a --

MRS. SHALES

It's been 45 minutes of soup or salad. Soup or salad -- I can't do it anymore. Get me a cab. I'm going to go far away now and never come back.

LORELAI

How about if the guests get a choice of soup or salad?

MRS. SHALES

That -- that will work.

LORELAI

Choice of soup or salad.

SOOKIE

Got it.

LORELAI

It's so weird.

SOOKIE

Which one is which?

LORELAI

I don't know. I think the one on the right is Matt.

MICHEL

No, the one on the left is Matt. The one on the right is Mark.

LORELAI

That's very impressive.

MICHEL

Yes, well, I'm very good at observing people, you know, learning the tics and traits, sound of their voices. It's a gift.

SOOKIE

That one has a Post-It on its back.

MICHEL

Oh, well, then that's Mark. The one on the right is Matt.

LORELAI

You will go and take that off of him.

MICHEL

I will not. We can't all just call everyone 'sweetie' and get away with it.

SOOKIE

Now, go with me, here. Let's say Mark walks into a hotel room and he sees his wife naked, but it's not his wife, it's his naked sister-in-law, and he has sex with her. Would that be cheating?

MICHEL

My head hurts.

LORELAI

(laughing) I think no.

SOOKIE

Really? Lucky.

MICHEL

If you ask me this union belongs on a public access station. It's against the laws of nature and just this short of completely obscene.

LORELAI

Oh, you won't be giving the wedding toast.

LORELAI

How did everything work out?

MRS. SHALES

Do you have children?

LORELAI

A daughter.

MRS. SHALES

Do you hate her?

LORELAI

No.

MRS. SHALES

Not ever?

LORELAI

Well I wasn't wildly fond of her during labor.

MRS. SHALES

That was the high point for me.

RORY

I can't believe I hit the ball!

RICHARD

Well it was quite impressive.

RORY

It landed in the water.

RICHARD

Yes, but the splash was quite impressive.

RORY

This place is so beautiful. I could see just coming here to think or read. But that probably defeats the purpose of the holes with the flag thing.

RICHARD

There is something rather serene about walking around here.

RORY

Do you come here every week?

RICHARD

No. When I can. I'm often working on the weekends.

RORY

Bummer.

RICHARD

Isn't it.

MAN

Hi Richard.

RICHARD

Hello.

RORY

Can I ask you a question?

RICHARD

Go ahead.

RORY

What do you do?

RICHARD

I'm the executive vice-president of the Gehrman-Driscoll Insurance Corporation.

RORY

Wow.

RICHARD

Yes.

RORY

And as executive vice-president, what do you do?

RICHARD

Well, it's a very big company -- one of the largest in the United States as a matter of fact -- I have a myriad of duties which would bore you greatly to hear about.

RORY

Oh, OK.

RICHARD

I oversee our international division.

RORY

That sounds important.

RICHARD

Well, it rates a parking spot.

RORY

Do you get to travel a lot?

RICHARD

Quite a bit.

RORY

Lucky.

RICHARD

I suspect you have a yen for travelling.

RORY

I'm up to my ears in yens.

RICHARD

Any particular place you'd like to go?

RORY

Hundreds of places. Paris, Rome, London, Prague, Istanbul, Fez -- Have you ever been to Fez?

RICHARD

I can't say that I have.

RORY

I want to go to Fez.

RICHARD

I think travelling for a young girl is a very important thing. Your mother never got a chance to travel much.

RORY

I know. She talks about that all the time.

RICHARD

She does?

RORY

We've got a deal. When I graduate from high school we're going to go backpacking through Europe together. You know, do the whole hostel thing. I just hope it really happens.

RICHARD

Well we'll just have to make sure that it does.

GLORIA

Richard!

RICHARD

Gloria! You look wonderful.

GLORIA

Aren't you sweet? Is Emily here?

RICHARD

No, I'm taking my granddaughter for a round of golf.

GLORIA

Well, we must get together.

RICHARD

Absolutely.

RICHARD

The most odious woman alive.

RICHARD

Now, we'll meet back here in forty minutes?

RORY

OK.

RICHARD

And then, if you like, we can get some lunch.

RORY

That would be great.

RICHARD

Fine.

RORY

Cool.

RICHARD

Yes.

MAN #1

And I'm telling him I've been coming here for twenty years my young friend, and for twenty years that cart, number 43, has been my golf cart.

MAN #2

He should have known that.

MAN #1

Everybody knows that.

MAN #3

Did he give you the cart?

MAN #1

Damn right he gave me the cart.

MAN #2

You should have never had to ask because he should have known that.

RICHARD

Hello, gentlemen.

MAN #1

Richard, good to see you.

RICHARD

Heard about your golf cart. Too bad.

MAN #1

Yeah, well, I'm still angry about it.

RICHARD

Well, yes.

MAN #3

Richard, who was that young lady I saw you on the golf course with?

RICHARD

That is my granddaughter.

MAN #2

Really? She's lovely.

MAN

#1: Lorelai's girl.

RICHARD

Mmm-hmm.

MAN #3

You're lucky. My granddaughter looks like she just fell off a potato truck.

MAN #2

My granddaughter would never be caught here. Might get in the way of the time spent at the tattoo parlor or getting something pierced or doing whatever she does while she runs wild through the streets like a rabid dog.

MAN #1

Cut her off! That would get her attention!

MAN #3

I can help you with the litigation.

RICHARD

Actually, Rory just started Chilton.

MAN #2

(impressed) Really?

MAN #1

Damn fine school.

RICHARD

Said she wanted to learn golf. I think she's taken to it quite well.

MAN #1

Yeah, well, just as long as isn't taken with a certain golf cart.

MAN #2

I'm writing a letter to the board.

MAN #1

I wish you would. If they would take --

WOMAN #1

And you know she took the house.

WOMAN #2

She deserved it -- putting up with that tramp all those years.

WOMAN #1

Last year, Christmas, he bough them both the same bracelet.

WOMAN #2

She should have just shot him like his first wife did.

WOMAN #1

Oh I love Janie. Is she out yet?

GLORIA

Nanette, Peg.

WOMAN #1

Gloria, hi. Good game?

GLORIA

Not bad, you?

WOMAN #1

Oh, I just came for the steam. We must get together and play sometime soon.

GLORIA

Next week?

WOMAN #1

I'll call you.

WOMAN #1

(whispering) The most odious woman alive.

LORELAI

OK, I need more tulle here. I need the feeling of a major tutu, OK? Oh, uh, hey, Gary, Gary! The ribbons go on the chairs, OK, not on the trees. Oh, great!

LORELAI

Hey!

SWAN GUY

Where do you want the swans?

LORELAI

Well do you know where the pond is?

SWAN GUY

Nope.

LORELAI

You know that little road you came up?

SWAN GUY

Nope.

LORELAI

OK. Do you know how to say 'big help' in Chinese?

SWAN GUY

Nope.

LORELAI

Michel! (to Swan Guy) This is twenty swans?

SWAN GUY

Sure. Why not?

MICHEL

You screeched?

LORELAI

Yeah. I need you to show this guy where to put the swans.

MICHEL

Absolutely not.

LORELAI

Well I can't leave, OK? I've got a major tulle festival going on out here.

MICHEL

I will never go near those filthy birds.

LORELAI

Why?

MICHEL

I hate the swans.

LORELAI

These particular swans?

MICHEL

No, all swans. I was attacked by a band of swans in the Luxembourg Gardens when I was a boy. No one forgets that.

LORELAI

(laughing) Oh no -- not being attacked by a band of swans. Was it an all-boy band? Kind of a scary, feathery 'N Sync kind of fiasco?

MICHEL

This is not funny.

LORELAI

No, I'm sorry, it's not. It's not funny at all.

LORELAI

(laughing) Oh my God! Come on, you have to admit, that's a little funny.

DRELLA

Hey, Pepe le Pew, you wanna give me a hand with this?

MICHEL

No.

LORELAI

Listen, it's Drella or the swans.

MICHEL

So either one beast of terror or another?

DRELLA

What the hell is he babbling about?

MICHEL

(quietly, to Lorelai) Don't --

LORELAI

He's afraid of the swans.

MICHEL

(quietly) Thank you.

DRELLA

Of course he is. He's French.

LORELAI

Mmm.

MICHEL

(to Swan Guy) OK, I'll take you to the pond.

LORELAI

Thank you.

MICHEL

But stay far away from me.

DRELLA

Can't stand the talk -- love to watch the walk.

RORY

She caught him in the pool house with the tennis pro, not the riding instructor.

RICHARD

I had no idea.

RORY

That committee of yours is not looking at people as much as you think.

RICHARD

Why would they? From what you've told me they're all involved in one nefarious activity after another.

RORY

It's a conspiracy.

RICHARD

It's Peyton Place. Is there more?

RORY

Can you handle it?

RICHARD

I'll steel myself.

RORY

OK, Mr. Neville likes all things frilly.

RICHARD

Good God. He's my broker.

RORY

I don't think one will affect the other.

MAN #1

Mind if we barge in?

RICHARD

Look who's here. Ah, Rory, this is Julian Johnson (MAN #1) and Edward James (MAN #2 or 3)

EDWARD

Call me "Ed".

JULIAN

You can call me "Ed" too.

RORY

It's nice to meet you.

RICHARD

Would you like to join us?

EDWARD

If Rory doesn't mind us intruding on her time with her grandfather.

RORY

No, that's fine.

JULIAN

Oh that's good. So, we hear you're attending Chilton.

RORY

I just started.

JULIAN

That's a hard school.

RORY

Yes sir.

RICHARD

Rory is an excellent student.

JULIAN

Really?

RICHARD

4.0 grade point average.

JULIAN

Whoa! That's got me beat.

RICHARD

She's going to Fez someday.

JULIAN

Fez? What the hell is in Fez?

RICHARD

That's for her to find out.

LUKE

Interesting hat.

RORY

I went golfing with my grandfather today.

LUKE

Did you know that golf courses are an environmental blight because of the chemicals they use to keep the grass green?

RORY

Actually I did. (silence) Bad joke, sorry.

LORELAI

My God -- this day. The swans, the tulle, my head... Luke, I need the largest cheeseburger in the world. Let's break a record here, mister. (to Rory) So, the wedding is a nightmare. We got these ten boxes of creepy larvae that are supposed to swarm into beautiful butterflies on the wedding day. They swarmed a little early! What's with the hat?

RORY

Grandma gave it to me.

LORELAI

Oh, now, that's just mean.

RORY

It's not that bad.

LORELAI

Do you want a mirror?

LORELAI

So, Rory's golfing adventure. Tell me!

RORY

It was fine.

LORELAI

Oh, honey, I brought you some of Sookie's chocolate cake to make you feel better.

RORY

It really wasnt't that bad.

LORELAI

You are the sweetest kid in the whole world. Where on earth did you get that from? Luke, am I mistaken or did that sign on the door say "open"? (to Rory) So, where were we?

RORY

Me golfing.

LORELAI

Right -- go.

RORY

OK, well, uh, by the end of the day I could even hit the ball. Sometimes it wasn't my ball but the intentions were good.

LORELAI

Well good intentions and no physical exertion whatsoever is what the game of golf was built on. So, um, did you order?

RORY

I'm not hungry. I had a big lunch at the club.

LUKE

With all the other devastators of our land.

LORELAI

You had a big lunch at the club?

RORY

Yes, it was quite good.

LORELAI

Quite? What's with the quite?

RORY

What do you mean?

LORELAI

You don't ever say quite.

RORY

I've said quite plenty of times.

LORELAI

Whatever. So besides the "quite good" lunch you had, what else happened?

RORY

Nothing. We played, I met his friends, I took a steam.

LORELAI

You took a steam?

RORY

Yeah. I sweated out all my toxins and I stole a towel.

LORELAI

Wow! Sounds like you really had a good time.

RORY

I did.

LORELAI

Really?

RORY

Really.

LORELAI

Really?

RORY

Really.

LORELAI

Really.

RORY

OK, new word now.

LORELAI

Sorry -- I just -- I'm surprised. I thought you were gonna be bored.

RORY

I was kind of surprised too. I don't know -- it was pretty there and Grandpa and I talked a lot.

LORELAI

You talked? Really?

RORY

You're doing it again.

LORELAI

Sorry. You talked?

RORY

We talked about Fez.

LORELAI

And he thought it was a hat.

RORY

I told him about our backpacking trip. He thought it was a great idea.

LORELAI

Wow. So you really had fun.

RORY

Yeah.

LORELAI

That's great.

LORELAI

That is really, really great.

LUKE

I thought you were starving.

LORELAI

Things change. Move on.

RORY

Does this hat really look bad on me?

LORELAI

No. I think it looks kind of cute.

MISS PATTY

It's your wedding day. Feel each other. Use the thumping of your heart as a metronome. Let passion be your coreographer. Be as light on your toes as you are in your hearts. No, no, no, no darling. Let me show you.

MISS PATTY

You know, in some countries if you dance this close you're cheating on your wife.

MATT

(or MARK)

You're next.

MARK

(or MATT)

Take your time.

LORELAI

Hey. Oh my God, you have good handwriting.

RORY

Thank you.

LORELAI

You did not get that from me. You got your fabulous flair from me.

RORY

I also got my deviated septum from you.

LORELAI

Hey, focus on the flair.

MICHEL

It's for you. He says he's your father although why he'd volunteer that freely, I do not know.

LORELAI

My father?

MICHEL

Yes.

LORELAI

Are you sure?

MICHEL

Please just take the phone.

LORELAI

(takes phone) Dad? (pause) Yeah it's Lorelai -- who else calls you "Dad"? (pause) Yeah she's right here. Hold on. (to Rory) It's for you.

RORY

Thanks. (takes phone) Hello? (pause) Hey Grandpa...

RORY

That's great.

MRS. SHALES

Jackie wants Samuel Barber, John Cage, and Philip Glass and Jessica wants Shania Twain's "I Feel Like a Woman."

DRELLA

I'm not a jukebox.

MRS. SHALES

Oh please.

DRELLA

Hey, you think I started playing the harp 'cause I thought it would make me cool? You know, finally get me in with the in-crowd? Maybe I'd make for some great happy hour conversation. No, alright. The music drives me, lady. I will play what I feel and you will love it.

MRS. SHALES

I'll give you an extra $100.

DRELLA

You just got yourself a jukebox.

RORY

Yeah, yeah, I'd love to see it. (pause) No, if you want to. (pause) Sure. That sounds good. (pause) Yeah.

LORELAI

Should I leave you two alone?

RORY

I think I want to change my hair.

LORELAI

Really? I think it looks quite good.

RORY

You're funny. Do you want something to drink?

LORELAI

Oh, yeah, water.

LORELAI

So you talk to Grandpa today?

RORY

What?

LORELAI

Grandpa -- he called?

RORY

Yep.

LORELAI

Anything wrong?

RORY

No. He just found this book we were talking about.

LORELAI

Oh. And he just called to tell you?

RORY

Yeah, why?

LORELAI

Nothing. It's just weird. He doesn't call the inn that much. Or ever, actually.

RORY

Well he knew that I was looking for it, so --

LORELAI

Oh, sure. What book was it?

RORY

Mencken's "Chrestomathy"

LORELAI

Oh, that one.

RORY

Yeah.

BABETTE

Hey! Cinnamon is stuck under the front porch again. Can I borrow some vegetable oil and a shoehorn?

RORY

I'll get it. (leaves)

BABETTE

I'm callin' him and I'm callin' him and I go around the porch and this big orange tush is just starin' me in the face.

LORELAI

I hate when that happens.

BABETTE

Yeah. He must've been meowin' for an hour but Morey was playing some Thelonious on the Steinway and when Morey plays I go into this trance where all I can see is blue and moon and stars --

MOREY

He's out Babs!

BABETTE

Oh! Never mind, Sugar. (calls to Morey) Play me home, baby!

LORELAI

Bye.

BABETTE

Oh God! It's killing me!

RORY

Babette didn't take her oil.

LORELAI

Oh, keep it. Christmas is early this year. So you know what I was thinking?

RORY

That Madonna and Sean Penn should get remarried?

LORELAI

Besides that. I was thinking that your golfing expedition should totally count as a dinner.

RORY

What do you mean?

LORELAI

I mean I think I can get us out of dinner at the grandparents' on Friday. Maybe we could grab a movie.

RORY

Oh, well, that's OK.

LORELAI

It's no big deal, really.

RORY

No. It's just gonna get Grandma all freaked out.

LORELAI

Yeah but I can handle those freakouts. I've done that.

RORY

You know, I have to get the book from Grandpa anyway. Let's just go.

LORELAI

Oh. All right. If you really want to.

RORY

I do.

LORELAI

OK, fine. Is that my sweater?

RORY

What?

LORELAI

You're wearing my sweater.

RORY

So?

LORELAI

No, it's OK. It's just I thought I asked you to at least ask, you know, before you borrow my stuff.

RORY

I'm sorry.

LORELAI

It's OK. It's just not too much for a simple "Can I borrow it, Mom?" is it?

RORY

No, it's not. Jeez, lighten up.

LORELAI

It's my favorite sweater too.

RORY

Since when?

LORELAI

Since always.

RORY

This is not your favorite sweater.

LORELAI

Yes it is and now it's going to be all stretched out just like everything else you borrow.

RORY

What are you talking about?

LORELAI

I'm talking about that you take my sweaters and you wear them and you stretch them out.

RORY

I couldn't possibly stretch them out! Your boobs are way bigger than mine.

LORELAI

That is not true.

RORY

Yes it is.

LORELAI

Your boobs are totally bigger than mine!

RORY

You're crazy!

LORELAI

Do you want to measure?

RORY

What?

LORELAI

I'm serious. Why don't you get the measuring tape right now?

RORY

I am not going to measure my boobs.

LORELAI

Because you know that you are totally bigger.

RORY

I'm going inside.

LORELAI

Fine, don't measure. We'll just compare bras.

RORY

Stop it!

LORELAI

I'll stop when you quit stealing my stuff.

RORY

You're cracked!

LORELAI

You're... bigger.

LORELAI

"Your boobs are bigger than mine"? I'm a mental case.

SOOKIE

So apologize.

LORELAI

I was too mad and stupid to apologize last night and she was gone before I got up this morning. What is wrong with me?

SOOKIE

You're very possessive of your sweaters.

LORELAI

Sookie.

SOOKIE

No, I understand. I'm the same way. If somebody breathes too hard on my paring knife I'm like a crazy spider monkey.

LORELAI

It's not about the sweater. It's about the golfing thing and the liking it thing. She had fun, Sookie. Just like my mother said she would.

SOOKIE

Yeah, that's got to hurt.

LORELAI

She should have fun. I mean, I want her to have a good relationship with her grandparents. Just because I don't doesn't mean she shouldn't, right?

SOOKIE

Right.

LORELAI

Right. So then why was I trying to get her out of Friday night dinner? I mean, what am I trying to do -- undermine their relationship?

SOOKIE

No you weren't.

LORELAI

Yes I was.

SOOKIE

Yes you were.

LORELAI

Yes! I'm four years old!

SOOKIE

You're jealous.

LORELAI

Oh I'm not jealous.

SOOKIE

Yeah, you are. You're jealous 'cause they like Rory better than you.

LORELAI

Oh thank you for the hug.

SOOKIE

See, I'm bad at advice talks. Could we talk about soup? 'Cause I'm good with soup.

LORELAI

Oh I'm sorry. You're fine. I'm all mixed up. I left that life, you know, the club, my parents. I ran from it as soon as I could. It just -- it never occurred to me that she might want it. It occurred to my mother though. God, I hate that she was right.

SOOKIE

You don't know that she -- ooh! Oh my God!

BIKE GUY

Hey, watch it!

LORELAI

Oh! Aah! (to Bike Guy) Are you OK? OK.

SOOKIE

(to strawberries) Look at you! You're beautiful!

LORELAI

I have to be more adult about this. I mean, if the country club life is what she wants, more power to her, right? You know, little white gloves and coming-out parties. That makes some girls happy, right?

SOOKIE

(while admiring the strawberries) Sure, yeah. If they're on Prozac, absolutely.

LORELAI

I just never thought that I'd raise that kind of kid, you know? I mean, not that there's anything wrong with that kind of kid. I just never thought that was Rory. Maybe it's not. I don't know. Am I obsessing? Sookie? Hello? Do I have to put on my strawberry costume to get your full attention?

SOOKIE

No, I'm sorry. You have a strawberry costume?

JACKSON

Unbelievable!

SOOKIE

Jackson!

JACKSON

So this is what we've come to? You sneaking around behind my back buying somebody else's strawberries?

SOOKIE

I was desperate!

JACKSON

You disgust me!

SOOKIE

I needed the strawberries!

JACKSON

Well now you have 'em. I hope you're happy together.

SOOKIE

Jackson -- wait!

JACKSON

No!

SOOKIE

Come on Jackson.

JACKSON

No.

SOOKIE

Jackson, we can talk about it.

JACKSON

No.

SOOKIE

Jackson, get back here!

JACKSON

Get away from me!

MRS. SHALES

We did it!

LORELAI

We sure did.

MRS. SHALES

God, I feel wonderful.

LORELAI

I'm so glad it turned out the way you wanted it.

MRS. SHALES

Oh, you have no idea. They just told me they're going to share a condo in Tuscon. Arizona! That's hundreds of miles away!

LORELAI

Congratulations.

MRS. SHALES

Oh, thank you. Sister Sledge! Excuse me.

LORELAI

Hey, stranger.

RORY

Hey.

LORELAI

Good turnout?

RORY

Yep.

LORELAI

Do you want something to drink?

RORY

Are you trying to make up?

LORELAI

No, I'm trying to hydrate you.

RORY

I'm fine, thanks.

LORELAI

I'm sorry.

RORY

It's OK.

LORELAI

A crazy evil spirit obsessed with bra size took over my body.

RORY

It happens.

LORELAI

She's gone now.

RORY

Good to know.

LORELAI

You know, I'm glad you're bonding with your grandparents.

RORY

No you're not.

LORELAI

Yes I am. It's just weird for me is all. I just can't relate to it.

RORY

You could if you tried.

LORELAI

No, we're too -- too much has happened and I'm glad you are anyway.

RORY

OK.

LORELAI

I didn't mean to cut you off from them so completely, you know. It just happened. Not having them in my life just felt so right. I just never thought -- I'm sorry.

IRATE MOTHER

(to her daughter) I did not pay $500 for this dress so you could run around and mess it up. Now you sit and be still. Cross your legs. You're a lady.

LORELAI

God, I must have had a million dresses like that when I was a kid.

RORY

It doesn't really scream "you."

LORELAI

No. I did all the screaming.

RORY

Thank you for not putting me in a dress like that.

LORELAI

You're welcome. Of course wearing those dresses -- not all bad.

RORY

No?

LORELAI

Oh no. They really fly up when you twirl around.

RORY

Huh.

LORELAI

And if you're wearing that ruffled underwear -- big crowd pleaser.

RORY

If it makes you feel better, I think I got a fungus from the steam room.

LORELAI

It does. Thank you.

EMILY

Oh, good, you're here.

LORELAI

Hey.

RORY

Hi, Grandma.

EMILY

My goodnes, what is that?

LORELAI

We brought dessert.

EMILY

Really? How thoughtful. What is it?

LORELAI

Blueberry shortcake.

EMILY

I've never heard of blueberry shortcake.

LORELAI

Yeah, it's a Stars Hollow specialty.

EMILY

Why is it already cut?

LORELAI

It's left over. From the wedding. At the inn.

EMILY

Yes, I know where the wedding was.

LORELAI

Oh, sorry. You were just doing that staring thing.

EMILY

You brought us used dessert?

LORELAI

It's not used. It's left over.

EMILY

How nice. I'll just put it in the kitchen next to my half-empty box of Cheer.

LORELAI

(whispers to Rory) She's in a good mood tonight.

EMILY

Can I get you a drink?

LORELAI

Uh, white wine would be nice.

RORY

Coke.

EMILY

So, Lorelai, did Rory tell you all about the wonderful time she had at the club?

LORELAI

She sure did.

EMILY

Your father was simply flying all week. She really charmed him.

LORELAI

Ah, well, if anybody could, it would be her.

EMILY

I mean, in this age of MTV and 100 television channels who would've imagined that a young girl coul still get a thrill spending a simple afternoon with her grandfather?

LORELAI

That wine would be real good right now, Mom.

EMILY

I think we should consider getting her a membership at the club, don't you?

LORELAI

If she wants, sure.

EMILY

I mean, to have a place to go where she can socialize, that's very important to a young girl.

LORELAI

Well, now especially that the crack den is closed down on the corner all her really good friends are gone. What do you think, Mom, should I pursue the career in comedy?

EMILY

It's just very interesting the way things turn out, isn't it?

RICHARD

Oh, you're here. Lorelai.

LORELAI

Dad.

RICHARD

Rory, I have a surprise. Not only did I find that copy of Mencken's "Chrestomathy" we discussed, I also found a first edition of his memoirs as well.

RORY

You're kidding?

RICHARD

It's in my office if you'd like to see them.

RORY

Oh my God, I totally would.

EMILY

Y I'd like to take a look at those myself.