T1E5: “Cinnamon’s Wake”

LORELAI

So where'd you say Dad was?

EMILY

Away on business.

LORELAI

Location's top secret?

EMILY

Oh, Germany.

LORELAI

Germany. Is Dad's firm insuring Nazis now?

EMILY

Your father doesn't know any Nazis.

LORELAI

I know, Mom. I was just --

EMILY

What?

RORY

Joking. She was joking.

EMILY

Oh. Hard to tell.

LORELAI

Yeah, well.

EMILY

Oh, I'm afraid I have some bad news. Claudia died.

LORELAI

Who?

EMILY

Claudia. Your cousin Claudia. (Lorelai stares.) Claudia!

LORELAI

I'm hearing the name, Mom. I have no idea who that is.

EMILY

Claudia's your cousin, for all intents and purposes.

LORELAI

Oh, now we're getting to it.

EMILY

She was your father's grandmother's sister's girl. So to you, that would make her --

LORELAI

Nothing?

EMILY

Regardless the funeral's on Thursday. I thought we'd all go together.

LORELAI

Ooh, whoa. Two problems. Impossible to get away from the inn Thursday. Two, I've never met this woman.

EMILY

You most certainly have.

LORELAI

When?

EMILY

Several times.

LORELAI

I'll take one.

EMILY

We went to her house in Groton to see the first moon landing. She'd just gotten a new Philco.

LORELAI

I have no memory of this whatsoever.

EMILY

Rory, correct me if I'm wrong, but men have walked on the moon regardless of whether your mother remembers it or not.

RORY

That's the rumor.

LORELAI

I know men have walked on the moon. I just don't know Claudia.

EMILY

So you're not going?

LORELAI

Not this time.

EMILY

I don't think Claudia's planning to die a second time.

LORELAI

Mom, I couldn't go if I wanted to.

EMILY

Fine. (pauses) Oh wait -- Rudolph Gottfried.

LORELAI

Another cousin?

EMILY

No, a Nazi that we knew. I'd forgotten. We stayed with him once in Munich. Nice old man. Interesting stories.

LORELAI

Mom you socialized with a Nazi? That's despicable! That's heinous!

EMILY

No, dear, that was a joke.

LORELAI

Hey. I have an idea for a new reality show. How about everyone just looks out their freakin' kitchen window for a change?

RORY

Ooh. She's cranky this morning.

LORELAI

Let's just say the world has a formidable opponent.

RORY

Wait -- shouldn't you be baking?

LORELAI

I don't know. Shouldn't you be knitting?

RORY

Mom! The Chilton bake sale is today!

LORELAI

I know. I got it covered.

RORY

They expect the things to be homemade.

LORELAI

I know.

RORY

By someone other than Dolly Madison.

LORELAI

I said I have it covered.

RORY

All of the parents pitch in so this is really really important. You know that, right?

LORELAI

No, I didn't know that. In that case I don't have it covered. I have it covered! Get your stuff and hit the stereo -- we're late.

RORY

(softly) It's not me.

LORELAI

(to Lane) Where does your mother think you are?

LANE

Oh, on a park bench contemplating the reunification of the two Koreas.

LORELAI

Not here, skanking to Rancid?

LANE

Wouldn't be included.

LORELAI

School!

LANE

Bye.

RORY

Bye.

RORY

Wow, Cinnamon, riding in style.

BABETTE

Yeah, Morey made it. Cinnamon's not walking good these days but she still likes her passeggiatas. That's Italian for 'a nice walk.'

MOREY

(with an accent) Passeggiata.

BABETTE

Oh God, he makes it sound so sexy.

MOREY

Come on.

LORELAI

(points to the covered area) What's that?

BABETTE

Oh it's Cinnamon's private area. Sometimes she likes to be alone. She's just like Morey in that sense. (to Morey) Hey, say passaggiata again.

MOREY

I can't do it on command, Babs.

BABETTE

Oh, he's blushin'. God, I love a man that blushes!

RORY

Okay, our town is just weird.

LORELAI

Thank God.

RORY

Bye.

LORELAI

Bye.

RORY

I'll see you later at school.

LORELAI

For what?

RORY

Mom, the bake sale!

LORELAI

Ha! I got the vein in the forehead. Whoo!

RORY

Sadist.

DEAN

Hey.

RORY

Aah! Morning.

DEAN

Good book?

RORY

I don't know yet.

DEAN

I saw you standing in line so I thought I'd say hello. (pause) Hello?

RORY

Hello.

DEAN

Oh, hey, uh, thanks for helping me get the job at the store. I mean it's not a career or anything but it's got me solvent.

RORY

Solvent's good.

DEAN

Yeah, uh, are you always this serious?

RORY

No.

DEAN

So, uh, how long does it take you to get to school?

RORY

Um... forty minutes if the bus driver's focused but longer if he's trying to win something on the radio. Hey, this bus is going to Hartford!

DEAN

Yeah, I know.

RORY

But you go to school here. You have to get off the bus! (calls to driver) Hey, he has to get off the bus!

DEAN

Wait. You're forgetting something.

DEAN

Buses make stops. Good-bye Lorelai Gilmore.

MICHEL

Independence Inn, Michel speaking. Yes, you are confirmed. Mm-hmm. Goodbye.

MAN

Bonjour Monsieur. Vous êtes francais? Vous parlez francais?

MICHEL

No, sorry.

MAN

Parlez vous fracais?

MICHEL

Sir, I'm just a simple country boy from Texas. I do not understand this francais business you're babbling about.

LORELAI

Pardon

LORELAI

He knows you're not from Texas.

MICHEL

Smile when you say that.

LORELAI

Michel, I told you there was going to be a French group here for a couple of days and it is your job to keep them happy.

MICHEL

Lorelai, I don't know how many French people you've met over the years, but most of them are insufferable.

LORELAI

Really?

MICHEL

Mm-hm. That is why I left France.

LORELAI

Huh. I thought it had something to do with the torches and the villagers. Michel, talk to them.

MICHEL

Never. (pause) You are giving me that look aren't you? Your patented, "Do it or something unspeakable shall befall you" look. (sighs) Fine. I shall be French but I shall not be happy.

LORELAI

Then you will be yourself. Good choice.

MICHEL

Bonjour messieurs. Je m'appelle Miche. Ce soir pour vous aider.

MAN

(laughs) Vous avez faîtt un blague. Très drole! Très drole Michel!

MICHEL

(to Lorelai) Kill me now.

SOOKIE

OK-- we've got our French fantasies, American treats, and our Italian taste sensations. Well, what do you think?

RORY

Amazing.

LORELAI

Incredible.

SOOKIE

It is good, isn't it? Well, final touch.

RORY

Oh, can I do that?

SOOKIE

Whoa, honey, this is a more delicate procedure than you might think, OK?

RORY

OK.

SOOKIE

It takes an expert hand.

LORELAI

Um -- hi. Oh, well, gee... what is that, a dollar? Let me find you a dollar. You know what? I'll take two -- I'll drink one. (drinks) Mmm... tasty and flame-retardant.

MR. MEDINA

Very Henry the Eighth.

LORELAI

Well we're not into subtle.

MR. MEDINA

Good to see you, Lorelai.

LORELAI

Good to see you, Mr. Medina.

MR. MEDINA

Max.

LORELAI

Mr. Medina.

MR. MEDINA

Max.

LORELAI

Mr. Medina. Meet Sookie, the cheft at the inn. Sookie, Mr. Medina.

SOOKIE

What's your name again?

LORELAI

Mr. Medina.

SOOKIE

I know, you've said it like a zillion times. (to Mr. Medina) Hello.

MR. MEDINA

Hello. Lorelai, could I borrow you for a second?

LORELAI

Oh, yeah, sure. (to Sookie) Oh! Hey I'll be right back.

MR. MEDINA

You know, Lorelai, I would love for the ice to thaw.

LORELAI

There's no ice.

MR. MEDINA

Well you repeated my full name four times. That's ice.

LORELAI

No, that's not ice, it's wintry.

MR. MEDINA

I was doing my job when I didn't let Rory take that test. I didn't like it but I had to do it.

LORELAI

I know.

MR. MEDINA

And I'd do it again.

LORELAI

OK.

MR. MEDINA

I really do think Rory's a great kid and I'm going to do my damnedest to make sure she gets through Chilton in one piece.

LORELAI

I appreciate that.

MR. MEDINA

And I'd like us to be friends.

LORELAI

We are. Me too.

MR. MEDINA

Yeah?

LORELAI

Yeah. Really, truly, I swear. There's no more ice. We're walking in a pool of tepid water.

MR. MEDINA

Good.

LORELAI

Good.

MR. MEDINA

I'm going to propose something here. I'm not sure how you're going to take it.

LORELAI

Oh wow, intrigue.

MR. MEDINA

I'd like to see you sometime. Away from the ivy, away from the gargoyles, away from here.

LORELAI

Are you asking me out on a date.

MR. MEDINA

Yes.

LORELAI

Mm. Well, uh, I don't want to go out on a limb here, but I'm guessing if the headmaster won't let a kid be thirty seconds late for a test he'd probably frown on a teacher dating a mom.

MR. MEDINA

I do my job well, I'm dedicated to my students, and there's nothing in the Chilton book of ethics that prohibits it.

LORELAI

Yeah but I'm guessing it's sort of an unwritten rule.

MR. MEDINA

Do you want to go?

LORELAI

And Rory would probably freak at the thought.

MR. MEDINA

Do you want to go?

LORELAI

And the other parents would have a field day with this kind of thing.

MR. MEDINA

Do you want to go?

LORELAI

Yes.

MR. MEDINA

Good.

LORELAI

Wait.

MR. MEDINA

What?

LORELAI

No.

MR. MEDINA

Why?

LORELAI

I can't. It's wrong. It's weird.

MR. MEDINA

I'll pay.

LORELAI

You're on.

MR. MEDINA

Really?

LORELAI

I'm kidding. I don't know. You're Rory's teacher.

MR. MEDINA

I know.

LORELAI

Could you quit? Right, that's crazy.

MR. MEDINA

OK, OK. Um... how about coffee? You like coffee?

LORELAI

Only with my oxygen.

MR. MEDINA

Can we drink some together? A sort of pre-date. Very casual, no strings, no obligations. We'll just see if it's even worth going down the road of including food in the deal. (whispers) Just coffee. (normal voice) Decaf? There's nothing safer than decaf.

LORELAI

I'm going to be in town tomorrow because I take a class at Hartford State and there's a coffee shop across the street that I sometimes, almost all the time, go to around 4:00 and usually exactly 4:12. I could not stop a person from entering said establishment around that time, nor would I avoid them if I knew them if they did.

MR. MEDINA

You know the wordsmith thing -- that's something we have in common.

LORELAI

See you around, Max.

MR. MEDINA

Indeed. You will.

LANE

Philadelphia.

RORY

Philadelphia? If you could live in any city in the world you'd pick Philadelphia?

LANE

M. Night Shymalan lives there.

RORY

Who?

LANE

The guy who directed 'The Sixth Sense.'

RORY

But what would you do there?

LANE

Hang out with M. Night Shymalan.

RORY

OK, cross 'guidance counselor' off your list of potential career choices.

BABETTE

Lie still, baby doll, we're almost home.

RORY

Hey Babette.

BABETTE

Hey kids.

RORY

Wow, that sounds bad.

BABETTE

Cinnamon's dyspeptic. So's Morey. Too many clams.

MOREY

Bad clams.

BABETTE

This doesn't reflect well on Al's establishment.

LANE

You had clams at Al's?

RORY

Al's Pancake World?

BABETTE

Yeah, well we had a coupon.

RORY

Hmmm.

RORY

Oh wow! The store! Hey, listen, I have to pick up some stuff, so --

LANE

What do you have to pick up?

RORY

Just some... stuff. So I'll talk to you later tonight.

LANE

I'll go in with you.

RORY

Why?

LANE

Because otherwise I'd have to go home.

RORY

Home is good.

LANE

My home?

RORY

Yeah, actually I don't have to go in.

LANE

OK. Then I guess I will go home.

RORY

Great! Go, bye.

LANE

Bye... freak.

MISS PATTY

Rory! Hello! Try a plum They're better than sex.

RORY

Um, no, thanks.

MISS PATTY

Fresh fruit always has such a sensuality about it. Are you too young for this?

RORY

Definitely.

MISS PATTY

Well what are you here for honey?

RORY

Oh well, I just --

MISS PATTY

Oh, I see what you're here for. Well that wouldn't fit in a basket. No no no no no!

RORY

Patty! It's not like that. He's just a person.

MISS PATTY

A person?

RORY

A boy-type person.

MISS PATTY

Oh, my favorite kind.

RORY

I really don't even know him.

MISS PATTY

Oh, right. You don't know him?

RORY

I don't.

MISS PATTY

You said.

RORY

Please don't say anything.

MISS PATTY

I promise I won't tell a single soul that you don't know that young man.

RORY

Thank you.

MISS PATTY

You're welcome.

EMPLOYEE

Excuse me, ma'am, what are you doing?

MISS PATTY

Please, honey, don't call me ma'am. It makes me feel older than 25. Here, have a pea pod.

EMPLOYEE

I assume that you're going to pay for the food you've consumed on the premises.

MISS PATTY

Oh, so brusque. And you are?

EMPLOYEE

I'm the new assistant manager here.

MISS PATTY

Well listen here, my fine friend, who if you had a better hairstyle i might consider dating, I do this all the time.

EMPLOYEE

Not from now on, I'm sorry.

MISS PATTY

Oh, now, wait a minute here. I've been sampling food at this establishment for years.

EMPLOYEE

The next time you put something in that mouth that doesn't belong there, I'm going to remove it and then call the police.

CASHIER

Is this all you want, honey? A head of lettuce and a mouse trap?

RORY

That should do it.

DEAN

That's a couple of must-need items there.

CASHIER

$2.27.

RORY

I only have a dollar.

DEAN

I could loan you the rest.

RORY

Uh, no, I'll just take the lettuce.

DEAN

Perfect. You could use half of it for a salad then use the other half to clobber the mouse with.

DEAN

Paper or plastic?

RORY

I'm fine.

MR. MEDINA

Lorelai?

LORELAI

Max! Hi!

MR. MEDINA

Small world, huh?

LORELAI

Absolutely! What are you drinking?

MR. MEDINA

Coffee.

LORELAI

Plain coffee?

MR. MEDINA

I wanted some cream but that prompted a very elaborate foam conversation. And the look of disapproval I got when I said I didn't want foam, just cream, rivaled the one I got from my dad when I told him I wanted to be a teacher.

LORELAI

Wow, so it's been a tough outing for you, huh?

MR. MEDINA

Well it's getting better.

WAITRESS

What can I get you?

LORELAI

Coffee, please.

MR. MEDINA

So, here we are.

LORELAI

Here we most certainly are.

MR. MEDINA

Running into each other.

LORELAI

Away from the school.

MR. MEDINA

And its unique strictures.

LORELAI

These things do happen.

MR. MEDINA

Fate can be funny.

LORELAI

Should we cut the cute and just get right to it?

MR. MEDINA

I think we should date.

LORELAI

Why?

MR. MEDINA

Because I think we both want to.

LORELAI

Well I want to be in the Bangles but that doesn't mean I quit my job and get a guitar and ruin my life to be a Bangle, does it?

MR. MEDINA

The Bangles broke up.

LORELAI

Yeah, that's not the point.

MR. MEDINA

Well it's got to be part of the point if there's no band anymore.

LORELAI

I repeat my question: 'why should we date?'

MR. MEDINA

Because we're clearly attracted to each other.

LORELAI

I'm attracted to pie. It doesn't mean I feel the need to date pie.

MR. MEDINA

OK then because we are --

LORELAI

Yes?

MR. MEDINA

-- of similar heights.

LORELAI

Wow! Round one and already tapped.

MR. MEDINA

Look I know that you are concerned about the appearance of us dating.

LORELAI

Yes I am.

MR. MEDINA

Well I can tell you that I am the soul of discretion when it comes to delicate relationships.

LORELAI

Dated a lot of Chilton moms, huh?

MR. MEDINA

No, I meant any relationships -- work, family.

LORELAI

Oh so you have things to hide in all aspects of your life -- very interesting.

MR. MEDINA

(to waitress) Do you have any hemlock back there? Arsenic, something quick?

LORELAI

Do you like rap music?

MR. MEDINA

Yeah.

LORELAI

Me too. Italian food?

MR. MEDINA

Yeah.

LORELAI

Me too. You just telling me what I want to hear?

MR. MEDINA

Yeah.

LORELAI

I knew it!

MR. MEDINA

Doesn't mean it doesn't coincide with how I really feel.

LORELAI

Yeah but if you're telling me what you think I want to hear then I'm not really getting to know you.

MR. MEDINA

And if I know what you want to hear that shows a level of understanding on my part that far exceeds your understanding of me. (Lorelai doesn't say anything). Who's the one laggin?

LORELAI

Uh...

MR. MEDINA

Wow, round one and already tapped!

LORELAI

(seriously) Rory is my life. She's my pal, my everything. And I would never, ever do anything that would hurt her.

MR. MEDINA

I understand. (A man sits down on the stool between them.) But Rory is not a baby anymore.

LORELAI

Don't say that! She's eight! She's eight and her favorite hobby is making necklaces out of gum wrappers.

MR. MEDINA

You could try stunting her growth, keeping her in a box, blowing cigarette smoke on her.

MR. MEDINA

You are so taking this out of context.

MR. MEDINA

OK, when my uncle was a young man, there was this girl who lived across the street from him and he was completely in love with her -- but he never talked to her. But he knew in his gut that this was the girl he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.

LORELAI

This is gonna be sad isn't it?

MR. MEDINA

Let me finish.

LORELAI

It's gonna be sad.

MR. MEDINA

So anyhow my uncle watches this girl, waiting for the right moment to approach her. Next thing he knows, he gets drafted.

LORELAI

Oh, going for Kleenex.

MR. MEDINA

No. Now he thinks 'this is perfect. I'll come back, I'll have a career, I'll have served my country, I'll be worthy of her love.' When he gets back -- she's gone. Moved away. No one knew where and he never saw that girl again. Now my uncle, he didn't say much to me, but the one thing he did say was that if there's something in your gut that you know you feel is right you gotta go after it, no matter what. What do you say?

LORELAI

Maybe dinner wouldn't be so bad.

MR. MEDINA

Dinner? You mean we could sit together? Even drive together?

LORELAI

Just take the card.

MR. MEDINA

I might frame the card.

LORELAI

Just use the card.

MR. MEDINA

I definitely will.

LORELAI

Hey, that story about your uncle -- is that true?

MR. MEDINA

(sighs) Goodbye Lorelai Gilmore.

SOOKIE

Thank you.

LORELAI

Thank you. (to Sookie) Life is a funny funny thing, huh?

SOOKIE

Yeah I love that Jim Carrey.

LORELAI

What?

SOOKIE

Jim Carrey. He's just -- he's just -- funny.

LORELAI

He is funny but I didn't mean funny, funny. I'm being philosophical.

SOOKIE

Oh. Very serious face. Jean-Paul Sartre.

LORELAI

I can't talk to you with that face.

LUKE

How do you guys get any work done?

SOOKIE

So why is life such a funy thing?

LORELAI

I met this amazing guy.

SOOKIE

Goody!

LORELAI

Yeah there's goody stuff about it but there's baddy stuff too. He's a teacher at Chilton. Max -- you met him at the bake sale.

SOOKIE

Oh! He looked good.

LORELAI

Yeah. Right. He's so sexy and smart and funny and he likes coffee.

SOOKIE

God, he sounds perfect for you. Did you get onions?

LORELAI

No.

SOOKIE

(calls to Luke in the kitchen) Hey Luke! You forgot the onions.

LORELAI

I'm just so mixed up though. You know this is a real crossroads kind of situation.It's like 'to perm or not to perm.' I'm really confused.

SOOKIE

For Heaven's sake. (Sookie goes around the counter to get the onions. She starts adding things -- onions and spices -- to the other customers' plates.)

SOOKIE

Go ahead, I'm still listening. You were about to perm your hair.

LORELAI

I just want to do the right thing.

SOOKIE

I'm not sure I see what the problem is.

LORELAI

Oh there are many problems. First -- I do not like to involve Rory in my personal life. I don't want her to have to deal with that. You know, I might bring some guy home and he might not be THE guy but then she gets all attached to him and then all of a sudden I decide that I don't like the way he eats or he hums incessantly or --

SOOKIE

Or the way he smacks his lips or how his hair isn't really his.

LORELAI

Yeah. And then I break up with him and then Rory is the one who gets hurt.

SOOKIE

I totally understand.

LORELAI

This guy is her teacher. I mean, there's no way to keep him out of her life. She sees him every day.

SOOKIE

(to a bearded customer) Are you the open-faced turkey?

JEB

Yep.

SOOKIE

OK, I added a little fresh lemon and a little cayanne pepper. You're gonna plotz! (to Lorelai) You od know that Rory's not a baby anymore.

LORELAI

I know, that's what he said. Maybe I'm being too serious, right? Maybe I should loosen the rules a bit. Plus, be great to get... you know.

SOOKIE

What?

LORELAI

You know.

SOOKIE

No I don't.

LORELAI

You know... he knows.

SOOKIE

(to bearded customer) You know?

JEB

Yeah I know.

LUKE

Sookie!

SOOKIE

Hey. I was just looking for your paprika.

LUKE

What have I said about the counter?

SOOKIE

I know.

LUKE

How the counter is a sacred space. MY sacred space. You don't do yoga on the Dalai Lama's mat and you don't come behind my counter, period.

SOOKIE

I was trying to help.

LUKE

(to Lorelai) You bring her again and I want her on a leash. I mean it.

SOOKIE

He does make a damn find burger though.

LORELAI

He does at that. Alright I'm just going to keep it simple. I'll tell Rory. If there's even an ounce of weirdenss about it I'll cancel.

SOOKIE

You haven't told Rory yet?

LORELAI

No.

SOOKIE

Oops.

LORELAI

No, not oops. The timing hasn't been right. This is a very delicate, fragile situation. It's like one of your souffles. If you don't do it right it's a disaster.

SOOKIE

And you have to order it 45 minutes in advance.

LORELAI

Huh?

SOOKIE

My souffle.

LORELAI

Right, I wasn't but speaking directly about your souffle. I was speaking metaphorically.

SOOKIE

Oh so you don't like my souffles?

LORELAI

How DO we work together?

RORY

Mom you better come.

LORELAI

Honey, what's wrong?

RORY

It's Cinnamon.

LORELAI

Babette? Honey?

BABETTE

Oh, Lorelai. Come in, come in. She's gone. Cinnamon's gone.

LORELAI

I'm so sorry.

RORY

Is there anything I can do for you, Morey?

MOREY

This is life, Rory, it breaks your heart.

BABETTE

She looked like she was sleeping. I thought she was asleep so I nudged her and she didn't wake. I gave her a push and she rolled off the couch and since I waxed the floor she went shootin' across the room and then she knocked over the lamp and she still didn't move. I knew it was over. Oh, God, my baby.

MOREY

Tell me it wasn't the --

BABETTE

Oh, Morey, don't do this to yourself. He thinks it was the clams.

MOREY

She saw me eating them and she gave me that 'hey, man, what's up?' look and --

VET

It wasn't the clams. Morey, in human years this cat was 260 years old.

LORELAI

That's a good, long life.

VET

Listen, why don't you let me take her out to the van and then I'll get out of your way.

BABETTE

Oh, no, stay. All of you, please stay. Cinnamon would want you here.

RORY

We'll stay as long as you want.

MOREY

I'll never eat clams again.

RORY

Me either.

LANE

They said that they rolled her body into a lamp.

LANE

Did you laugh?

LANE

Did you want to?

RORY

But it's sad.

LANE

Yeah, it's sad.

MICHEL

Hello? Hello? Where is Lorelai? I'm dropping something off. Yoo-hoo, 'Hee-Haw' man, where is Lorelai Gilmore?

LORELAI

Hey, hey, hey. Thank you. I could not get back to the inn.

MICHEL

What, you are having a party and I was not invited?

LORELAI

Sweetie, it's not a party, it's a wake.

MICHEL

Oh, really? Who died?

LORELAI

Their cat.

MICHEL

You are mourning a cat?

LORELAI

Yes.

MICHEL

They lick their privates, these cats.

LORELAI

Not the comforting chitchat we're looking for here. Goodbye. I'll talk to you later. Thank you.

MISS PATTY

Babette, Morey, I came as soon as I heard. Oh, darling, what do you need?

BABETTE

A little air, honey!

MISS PATTY

Oh -- oh!

SOOKIE

Oh, Luke.

LUKE

Sookie.

SOOKIE

What'cha got in the bag?

LUKE

Bricks.

SOOKIE

Yeah, good one.

LORELAI

Oh, bless you both! Everyone's starved, come in.

LORELAI

OK, how should we do this?

SOOKIE

Well we need a flow for the room so there's no bottlenecks. People coming in, they're gonna want a beverage. Put 'em on the first table then the smaller hors d'oeuvres next to that, leaving one hand free to greet the people. Then, back there, set up plates and cutlery. First the salads, then the meat dishes, then desserts on the piano bench. How does that sound?

LUKE

Dig in!

DEAN

Oh, hi, wow. I wasn't expecting you.

RORY

Or me you. I mean, you, me. I mean, come in.

LORELAI

Do you know him?

RORY

No.

LORELAI

No?

RORY

Well, he goes to my old school, so I see him there sometimes but I go to Chilton now.

LORELAI

Thanks for the update.

RORY

You're welcome.

DEAN

Do you have a second?

RORY

No. I have gum.

DEAN

No, thanks, uh, look --

RORY

I have to get back.

DEAN

Oh, sure. I'll see you later.

RORY

Mom? Isn't that --

LORELAI

Oh, no.

RORY

That's Mr. Medina.

LORELAI

Tonight's Thursday!

RORY

Well, am I in trouble? Did the school call or something?

LORELAI

No, no you're great. I -- um -- let me just come back in just one second.

RORY

Wait -- what's going on?

LORELAI

Let me tell you in a minute.

RORY

Tell me now.

LORELAI

Max is here --

RORY

Max?

LORELAI

Max is here to pick me up.

RORY

Pick you up for -- oh.

LORELAI

I'm gonna go talk to him real quick and I'm gonna be right back.

LORELAI

Hey!

MR. MEDINA

Oh, hi.

LORELAI

Hi.

MR. MEDINA

I was knocking but no one answered.

LORELAI

I know. I was at the neighbors' house.

MR. MEDINA

You're cancelling.

LORELAI

I know it's totally last minute.

MR. MEDINA

I'm heartbroken.

LORELAI

I just completely forgot about our date.

MR. MEDINA

And forgettable.

LORELAI

No you're memorable. I've been memorabling all week. It's just -- We had a little emergency.

MR. MEDINA

Rory, is Rory OK?

LORELAI

No, Rory's fine. It's the neighbors' cat.

MR. MEDINA

The neighbors' --

LORELAI

-- cat. She died.

MR. MEDINA

She died.

LORELAI

This was a very fat, very beloved cat.

MR. MEDINA

Lorelai. I like you but I don't want to force something on you that you don't want so -- (walks away)

LORELAI

No, no, no. Wait. No, Max, you're not forcing anything on me. I am telling the truth about the cat.

MR. MEDINA

Lorelai.

LORELAI

Please don't read that much into this. Call me and we'll reschedule. I promise that's what I want.

MR. MEDINA

You're sure?

LORELAI

Cross my heart and hope no other neighborhood pets die on that day.

MR. MEDINA

OK, I'll call.

LORELAI

Good.

MR. MEDINA

Sorry about, uh --

LORELAI

Cinnamon.

MR. MEDINA

Cinnamon.

LORELAI

Stupid cat! You couldn't have held on one more day?

SOOKIE

Is that meatloaf?

LUKE

Uh-huh.

SOOKIE

You use ketchup?

LUKE

You gonna make fun of my mother too?

SOOKIE

Sorry. You know, my real-fruit puffs would compliment that dish quite well.

LUKE

It's fine on its own, thank you.

SOOKIE

Right.

LUKE

OK, toss some on the plate.

SOOKIE

Can I make a pretty design, maybe make some layers?

LUKE

Sookie!

SOOKIE

Right. Tossing them on. Got it.

LORELAI

You guys, have you seen Rory anywhere?

LUKE

Yeah, I think she headed that way. (points)

LORELAI

OK, thanks.

EMPLOYEE

Excuse me, ma'am?

MISS PATTY

Well if it isn't Kirk the jerk.

EMPLOYEE

I want to apologize for what happened at the store yesterday.

MISS PATTY

I'm listening.

EMPLOYEE

I wasn't aware that you were THE Miss Patty. The owner tells me that you're one of our best customers and you can put anything into that mouth that you want to. Those were his words. I could have paraphrased them.

MISS PATTY

Stop sweating. And close your pores, Kirky, I always forgive.

EMPLOYEE

Thank you.

MISS PATTY

Once.

LORELAI

Hey, Babette.

BABETTE

Oh, hello, sugar. Can I get you something?

LORELAI

No, I'm fine. I'm looking for Rory.

BABETTE

Oh, I think she might be in the bathroom.

LORELAI

Thanks. (starts to leave then stops) Can I help you with something?

BABETTE

Oh, no. I thought I'd just get some of this stuff packed away.

LORELAI

It's like a scene from a kitty version of 'Valley of the Dolls.'

BABETTE

Yeah. You never realize how old they actually are 'til you look in the medicine cabinet.

LORELAI

Yeah.

BABETTE

These were for her heartworms, for her thyroid, her kidneys, for the rash she got from taking these, and these were for the tic she developed from the stuff for the rash. And these -- oh jeez, these are mine. Damn, I'm gonna miss that old broad.

LORELAI

I know.

BABETTE

You know, I don't know what I'm gonna do with myself now. You live to take care of your kids.

LORELAI

I know, sweetie, but you gave her everything that you had.

BABETTE

I know. She was so tiny when I got her. She could sleep in my shoe.

LORELAI

The other day I came across a hat that I made for Rory. It was like a doll hat.

BABETTE

Oh, they grow up so fast.

LORELAI

And then they take your clothes.

BABETTE

I guess eventually you have to move on. Figure out what your life is going to be when you're not busy taking care of somebody else. Jeez, look at this place. Not a clean glass in sight!

LORELAI

Let me help you with that.

BABETTE

Here, sugar, use this. Morey sits on it when he helps me.

LORELAI

How does Morey get around in here?

BABETTE

Oh, just fine. He had a couple of concussions his first year here but he never complains. He's just the best thing. I don't know what I'd do without him. (voice breaks)

LORELAI

Oh, Babette. What do you mean 'without him'?

BABETTE

I saw on Oprah a few weeks ago. She had on couples who lost a child. Most of the marriages went belly-up for the pain of it all. Even though they loved each other.

LORELAI

Babette, that is not gonna happen to you.

BABETTE

I never thought a man would ever even want me.

LORELAI

I know the feeling.

BABETTE

Oh, please, with that ass? Gimme a break.

LORELAI

I mean want me for more than my ass. Me -- for me, the whole package. Annoying neuroses and all.

BABETTE

You'll find him. It might even be that stud who drove out of here in a Mustang.

LORELAI

Did you see him?

BABETTE

Yeah, what a jaw.

LORELAI

He's got a great jaw.

BABETTE

How is he in the sack?

LORELAI

I haven't even gone out with him yet.

BABETTE

Will you tell me when how he is when you do?

LORELAI

I'll call you during the cigarette.

BABETTE

Oh -- that's Cinnamon's song.

LORELAI

Oh I can't find Rory anywhere.

SOOKIE

I'm sure she's around.

LORELAI

Max showed up for the date that I forgot about and she saw him.

SOOKIE

And you haven't told her.

LORELAI

No.

SOOKIE

Oops.

LORELAI

Stop with the 'oops.'

SOOKIE

OK, calm down. It's not that big of a deal.

LORELAI

Her teacher showed up on her porch to take out her mother.

SOOKIE

She'll understand. You're crazy. She knows that.

LORELAI

Enough with the comforting, Sookie.

SOOKIE

Sorry.

DEAN

Hey.

RORY

Jeez, you scared me.

DEAN

Yeah, uh, look. I just wanted to say that I'm sorry.

RORY

For what?

DEAN

Well I've been kind of bugging you lately. Uh, I thought -- I don't know -- I thought that maybe you liked me. But it's obvious that you're not interested so I just wanted to say that I get it and I'm not gonna bother you anymore.

RORY

Wait! I AM interested.

DEAN

You are?

RORY

Yes. I gotta go.

LORELAI

Oh! Finally. I've been looking everywhere for you.

RORY

Well you found me.

LORELAI

Listen, I have some explaining to do. OK. So sit down in that tiny little chair and I'm gonna do it right now. (Rory sits.) That man on the porch was your teacher.

RORY

Mom, I'm a little behind in school but not so far behind that I don't know who the teacher is. So?

LORELAI

So -- um -- he and I were going to sort of hang out together.

RORY

On a date.

LORELAI

No, on a -- something that could appear like a date to the untrained eye.

RORY

To your daughter's eye?

LORELAI

It was a date.

RORY

How long have you been dating him?

LORELAI

I haven't. This was gonna be the first time.

RORY

And when were you planning on telling me about this -- your wedding?

LORELAI

No -- by the rehearsal dinner at least.

RORY

He's my teacher.

LORELAI

I know.

RORY

He teaches me things every day in a very small classroom with a lot of other kids who probably won't be high-fiving me when they find this out.

LORELAI

I knw, sweetie, and I told him this was one of the things I was concerned about.

RORY

And?

LORELAI

And he thought we could be discreet.

RORY

Unbelievable!

LORELAI

Are you mad?

RORY

Yes!

LORELAI

Alright. Because I'm dating him?

RORY

Because you lied to me.

LORELAI

I kept information from you.

RORY

Information that I should have had.

LORELAI

Information that would have come out eventually. Like the Iran-Contra scandal.

RORY

So you're Oliver North.

LORELAI

No, I'm Fawn Hall.

RORY

Mom.

LORELAI

Well, she was much prettier.

RORY

I just can't believe that you didn't tell me about this. Why wouldn't you tell me?

LORELAI

'Cause I thought you were going to take it bad. Thank God I was wrong. (pause) OK, OK. Listen, I'm sorry. I won't date him. I promise.

RORY

I'm not saying that you can't date him. It's just -- this is weird. I mean -- there's a million guys in this world and you end up with Mr. Medina.

LORELAI

You think I don't get the weirdness factor? Believe me, the last thing I intended to do was date your teacher.

RORY

I believe you.

LORELAI

I really like him, Rory. I can't help it. And it's been a really long time since I've felt like this. You can't always control who you're attracted to, you know. I think the whole Angelina Jolie/Billy Bob Thronton thing really proves that. And I know you don't understand this now but you wil someday. You'll meet some great guy and he'll make your head all foggy and you won't know what to do with yourself. (sighs) Oh, sweetie, I won't keep anything from you again. OK? I promise. From now on every aspect of my life is an open book to you.

RORY

That's OK.

LORELAI

Really, I'm not even going to get dressed until I tell you what I'm thinking of wearing.

RORY

Fair enough.

LORELAI

OK, tomorrow I'm thinking the purple tiger top, the black leather skirt, the panda bear underwear.

RORY

Oh, good.

LORELAI

But of course I'm totally open to suggestions.

RORY

Here's one: get some help.

LORELAI

Let us know if we can do anything.

BABETTE

Oh, you've done too much already.

LORELAI

Good-night, Babette.

BABETTE

Good-night, sugar.

RORY

Good-night, Morey.

MOREY

Stay cool, Rory.

BABETTE

It's getting late.

MOREY

Let's stay outside a while, baby. Look for the Big Dipper.

BABETTE

OK, I'd like that.

LORELAI

Hello.

EMILY

I've been trying to get you all afternoon.

LORELAI

Mom?

EMILY

Yes.

LORELAI

Hi.

EMILY

You already said that.

LORELAI

But someone hasn't.

EMILY

Hello.

LORELAI

There we go.

EMILY

You are impossible to reach.

LORELAI

Well there's no messages on the machine, Mom.

EMILY

I don't leave messages. If I wanted to talk to a machine I'd talk to my VCR. Where were you?

LORELAI

At a wake.

EMILY

A what?

LORELAI

A wake... a funeral.

EMILY

A funeral? Whose?

LORELAI

It was for the neighbors' --

LORELAI

-- cat.

LORELAI

Mom?

EMILY

Hold on. I'm looking up anyuresm in our medical dictionary to see if I just had one.

LORELAI

I just wanted to be honest with you, Mom. Silly me.

EMILY

A cat?

LORELAI

Yeah, a cat. It was a cat's funeral.

EMILY

You skipped your own cousin's funeral for a cat's funeral?

LORELAI

Not my cousin, mom. My father's grandmother's sister's girl who I've never --

EMILY

You said you couldn't be away from the inn.

LORELAI

Well I couldn't at the time bt I worked it out.

EMILY

For a cat?

LORELAI

It's late. I have a big day tomorrow, Mom.

EMILY

Oh, what? You're going to a racoon's wedding?

LORELAI

Good-night, Mother.

EMILY

Good-night.

LORELAI

Aaagh! She's working for a sedative manufacturer. Keeping that demand sky-high.

RORY

You shouldn't have told her.

LORELAI

Well I don't know what to tell and what to hide.

RORY

Yeah.

LORELAI

So we never did quite settle the whole dating-your-teacher issue. I won't go out with him if you don't want me to.

RORY

You can go out with whoever you want.

LORELAI

It's whoever we want.

RORY

Well I'm certainly not going to go out with him 'cause that would be really weird.

LORELAI

But I mean it. I won't see him if you don't want me to.

RORY

Huh.

LORELAI

You know, if there's anything that makes you feel uncomfortable, big or small, then he's out of there.

RORY

Good to know.

LORELAI

Because you know it's not like I'm desperate. I mean, there are plenty of other guys out there.

RORY

Sure are.

LORELAI

And it's not like I have to ask your permission. I mean, this is a courtesy.

RORY

OK.

LORELAI

OK, so I'm going to be up for a while, if you want to get back to me on this.

RORY

I know where you are.

RORY

Hey, do you think you could keep him out really late on Thursday night because I have this oral exam on Friday that I'd really love him to sleep through.

LORELAI

I'll do my best.