T1E6: “Rory’s Birthday Parties”

EMILY

Tomorrow our lawyer, Joseph Stanford, is coming by.

LORELAI

Ugh. Crazy Sissy's dad.

EMILY

That's terrible. Sissy was a good friend of yours.

LORELAI

Mom, Sissy talked to her stuffed animals and they answered her.

RORY

Let's just start a new topic.

EMILY

Not possible!

LORELAI

She said a new topic, Mom.

EMILY

Everything's a joke. Everyone's a punch line.

LORELAI

OK, I'm sorry.

EMILY

My daughter -- Henny Youngman.

RICHARD

Sorry for that. A little trouble with our China office. Well. What did I miss?

LORELAI

I was being impossible and then I turned into a Jewish comedian.

RICHARD

Ah. Well, continue.

EMILY

Thank you. Where was I?

RORY

Uh, Joseph Stanford is coming tomorrow.

EMILY

Yes. So, Rory, your grandfather and I thought it might be nice after dinner for you to go around the house and pick out what you'd like us to leave you in our wills.

RICHARD

Take a look at that desk in my office. It's a really fine Georgian piece.

LORELAI

Why don't I ever bring a tape recorder to these dinners?

RORY

Oh, well, anything you want to leave me is fine.

EMILY

Nonsense. You should have what you like. So look around and when you see something you like stick a post-it on it.

LORELAI

OK, you two have officially hit a new level of weird that even I marvel at.

EMILY

You can pick out things too, you know.

LORELAI

Oh, well now it's way less creepy.

EMILY

Did you hear that Richard? Apparently we're creepy.

RICHARD

Yes, well, live and learn.

RORY

Oh cool!

LORELAI

What's that?

EMILY

It's dessert.

LORELAI

It's pudding.

EMILY

Well if you knew what it was why did you ask?

LORELAI

You don't like pudding.

EMILY

Yes, but you like pudding.

LORELAI

Oh, I love pudding. I worship it. I have a bowl up on the mantel at home with the Virgin Mary, a glass of wine, and a dollar bill next to it.

RORY

I've never had pudding from a crystal bowl before.

EMILY

You like the bowl?

RORY

Mmm.

EMILY

Put a post-it on it when you're done.

LORELAI

So what do we think of this?

RORY

Where would we put it?

LORELAI

I don't know. The Emily and Richard Gilmore Psycho Museum?

RORY

This is the strangest evening I've ever spent here.

EMILY

So, how's it going?

LORELAI

Great, just getting ready for the big day.

EMILY

Very nice.

LORELAI

So, um, it's getting late, Mom. Unless you've got some funeral plots for us to decorate we should really be going.

EMILY

Any special requests for dinner next week?

RORY

Oh, well --

LORELAI

Mom, I want to talk to you for a minute, and Rory, why don't you go say goodbye to Grandpa...

RORY

Very smooth.

EMILY

Should I sit down?

LORELAI

Yeah, but not there, OK? We got a post-it on that. We'd like to keep it nice.

EMILY

It must be very exhausting to be you.

LORELAI

Mom, Rory's birthday is next Friday.

EMILY

I know that.

LORELAI

So we were thinking that maybe we could push our dinner next week to Saturday.

EMILY

What are you going to do on Friday?

LORELAI

Oh I don't know.

EMILY

Well perfect. You'll come here and we'll have a little party.

LORELAI

I was just hoping we could do it another night.

EMILY

Well why come on another night when her birthday falls on the exact night that you do come here.

LORELAI

Saturday's a pretty good night, Mom.

EMILY

Not as good as Friday.

LORELAI

Pretty damn close.

EMILY

Not from where I'm standing.

LORELAI

Well, move then.

EMILY

I'm sorry. Friday nights are my nights. That's what we agreed on when you borrowed money for her school. The rules haven't changed.

LORELAI

Mom, I didn't intend for this loan to become a constant source of blackmail, OK? Now this is my kid's birthday and she will have her party at home on Friday and that's it? End of story.

LORELAI

So, how would you like two parties this year?

RORY

You couldn't get her to cave.

LORELAI

No, but she did agree to make the string quartet to learn "Like A Virgin."

RORY

Well, you tried.

LORELAI

Sweetie, I promise, Saturday night we'll do it up right at home. A Stars Hollow extravaganza.

RORY

So, is this party Grandma's having going to be a big deal?

LORELAI

Not really. The government will close that day. Flags will fly at half-mast. Barbra Streisand will give her final concert... again.

RORY

Uh-huh.

LORELAI

Now, the Pope has previous plans, but he's trying to get out of them. However, Elvis and Jim Morrison are coming and they're bringing chips.

RORY

You ask a simple question...

SOOKIE

Mini orange biscuits with honey-mustard ham and cheddar cheese.

LORELAI

Yum.

SOOKIE

Angel wings with dipping sauce.

LORELAI

Good, good.

SOOKIE

Oh, did you bring me the picture?

LORELAI

Oh, yes.

SOOKIE

Too bad you couldn't get your mom to relinquish Friday night.

LORELAI

No, she has her Vulcan death grip on that one.

SOOKIE

Not that surprising though.

LORELAI

Emily Gilmore -- you could set your watch by her. Oh, you know what she did do last night?

SOOKIE

Wore jeans?

LORELAI

Served pudding.

SOOKIE

I was close!

LORELAI

I mean, I'm sure it was some expensive form of pudding, but nonetheless, it was pudding!

SOOKIE

That is amazing.

LORELAI

Right. That would mean that she actually made a mental note that we liked pudding, which would mean that she actually listened to something other than the judgmental conga line going on in her head, and got over the fact that, to her, pudding is hospital food, and only acceptable when you've just had vital organ ripped out of your body.

SOOKIE

Wow, that's some journey she had to take there.

JACKSON

Open your mouth and close your eyes.

LORELAI

Who are you talking to?

JACKSON

Right, sorry. (goes to Sookie) Open your mouth and close your eyes.

SOOKIE

OK.

JACKSON

Now get ready for something truly amazing.

SOOKIE

Mmm!

JACKSON

Huh? Huh?

LORELAI

What is it?

SOOKIE

I don't know. It's like, um...

JACKSON

A what?

SOOKIE

It's like a berry, but way more exotic.

JACKSON

Yes! Good.

LORELAI

Jackson, have you been having reactions to your fertilizer fumes again?

JACKSON

For some time now I've been toying with cross-pollination. Finally I've got it. I figured out a way to cross a raspberry with a kumquat.

SOOKIE

Kumquat! That's what I taste! Are you serious? How did you do this?

LORELAI

You didn't build one of those machines like in "The Fly" did you? We're not going to find you wandering the streets wearing a raspberry head crying, "eat me!"

JACKSON

You! You can make fun of me all you want to today, 'cause tday I am a god. Today, Mother Nature has bowed down to me.

MICHEL

How nice for her.

LORELAI

Michel, Jackson --

MICHEL

No need to fill me in. I'm quite happy being ignorant of whatever it is that is making him raise his arms over his head.

LORELAI

Do you need me?

MICHEL

The landscaper does.

LORELAI

Oh, hey, Rory's birthday party is Saturday night so start thinking up reasons why you can't come.

MICHEL

I'm going to be out of town.

LORELAI

Oh, you used that last year.

MICHEL

I'll work on it and get back to you

LORELAI

7:00, presents mandatory.

MICHEL

Mm-hmm.

JACKSON

Rasquat?

LORELAI

Lucy, I'm home!

RORY

Kitchen.

LORELAI

'And Justin is just so dreamy. He can't marry Britney, I'll just cry and cry and cry.'

RORY

(into the phone) OK, thanks. (hangs up phone) Pizza's on its way.

LORELAI

You're such a good provider. Hi.

RORY

I'm going to start my homework. Call me when the pizza guy gets here.

LORELAI

Hello?

EMILY

Lorelai, what is your work schedule?

LORELAI

Why?

EMILY

I want to go shopping.

LORELAI

With me?

EMILY

I think that goes without saying.

LORELAI

Only in your world, Mom.

EMILY

I want to get Rory a birthday present.

LORELAI

Well I'm sure whatever you get her, she'll love.

EMILY

Yes, but I want to get her something special, something she wants, something... that you would get her.

LORELAI

Oh, OK, fine. You can get her the bong then.

EMILY

This isn't funny. I hardly to see the girl and we only get to talk at dinner once a week and then it's all about school and Jane.

LORELAI

Lane, Mom.

EMILY

I thought you might let me into her secret club just this one time and help me buy her something for her birthday.

LORELAI

You're serious?

EMILY

According to you I'm always serious.

LORELAI

OK.

EMILY

OK?

LORELAI

OK.

EMILY

Well, good, I'll meet you at Damion's tomorrow at 3:00

LORELAI

OK.

EMILY

And dress appropriately --

LORELAI

Don't finish that sentence Mom.

EMILY

I'll see you tomorrow.

LORELAI

Thatagirl.

TRISTIN

Hey.

RORY

What, Tristin?

TRISTIN

I just wanted to say 'happy birthday.'

RORY

It's not my birthday.

TRISTIN

No, but it will be. (reading from a paper) 'On Friday at 4:03 in the morning, Lorelai Leigh --'

RORY

What is that?

RORY

Who else got these?

TRISTIN

I don't know. Everyone in our class, I think.

RORY

I have to go.

TRISTIN

I'll see you Friday, birthday girl.

LOUISE

That's her.

GIRL #2

My parents are making me go.

LOUISE

Another obligation party.

GIRL #2

My life stinks.

EMILY

Oh, isn't this lovely?

LORELAI

Oh, yeah. As soon as we have her crowned Queen of England we'll give it to her.

EMILY

You are so combative today.

LORELAI

Hatwear does that to me. Oh, Mom, look. This is good.

EMILY

What is that?

LORELAI

It's a purse shaped like a guitar. This is great.

EMILY

Great for what?

LORELAI

For Rory.

EMILY

What will Rory do with that?

LORELAI

She'll put stuff in it. Carry it around.

EMILY

In public?

LORELAI

Yeah.

EMILY

What will people think?

LORELAI

That she's an ax murder, of course.

EMILY

What about pearls?

LORELAI

Pearls?

EMILY

A double string of pearls with a cashmere sweater set.

LORELAI

Mom, she's a young girl. Think of something young.

EMILY

A Mont Blanc pen?

LORELAI

To put on her desk at the law firm?

EMILY

She needs to write.

LORELAI

Well not with a $200 pen, she doesn't. Oh, hey, look. These day planners are adorable. You could get her one of those funky erasers with a mermaid on it. She'll love that.

EMILY

Please be serious, we're shopping for Rory.

LORELAI

No, Mom, I'm shopping for Rory. You're shopping for your imaginary granddaughter, Barbara Hutton.

EMILY

I want to get her something nice.

LORELAI

I know you do, but you're not listening to me.

EMILY

You wanted me to get her a Filofax and a mermaid eraser.

LORELAI

It's one suggestion

EMILY

Oh, yes, and there was a T-shirt with a Farrah Fawcett face.

LORELAI

A hero to many who aspire to the perfect feather fluff.

EMILY

Oh I don't know how to do this. Let's just go.

LORELAI

Oh, no, no. Come on, Mom. You do know how to do this. Think pudding.

EMILY

Pudding?

LORELAI

Come on. You asked for my help. You're reaching out. A little -- not a lot -- don't get freaked. But, Mom -- pudding.

EMILY

Why do you keep saying pudding?

LORELAI

Listen, just look around and pick up something she might like.

EMILY

Here.

LORELAI

Oh, now that's really good.

EMILY

Really?

LORELAI

Absolutely.

EMILY

Doesn't look like something you could buy at a car wash?

LORELAI

Totally. That's half the charm.

EMILY

Oh, no, it's only $12.

LORELAI

Six dollars more than a car wash.

EMILY

Twelve dollars is not a present.

LORELAI

Twelve dollars is a perfect present, Mom. She'll love that.

EMILY

Can I at least get her the pashmina also?

EMILY

Fine, I'll get it.

LORELAI

Good choice.

EMILY

Oh! It lights up.

LUKE

She's not here yet.

LORELAI

All right. You'll have to entertain me until she arrives. OK, Burger Boy, dance.

LUKE

Will you marry me?

LORELAI

What?

LUKE

Just looking for something to shut you up.

LORELAI

You better be nice to me or I'm not inviting you to Rory Gilmore's birthday celebration this Saturday night.

LUKE

You don't have to ask me, you know.

LORELAI

I know. But I would like you to come.

LUKE

Yeah?

LORELAI

Yeah.

LUKE

OK, I'll see.

LORELAI

7:00. Don't be late.

LORELAI

Wow. Nice face you got on there.

RORY

Coffee.

LORELAI

Bad day?

RORY

I've now used the word 'sucks' so much that it's lost all meaning to me.

LORELAI

Well maybe this will cheer you up.

RORY

What?

LORELAI

You'll see.

RORY

What is that?

LORELAI

These are our party dresses.

RORY

So it's a Halloween party?

LORELAI

Listen, you. So I'm shopping today with your grandmother and it's a whole three hours of "Who are you buying that for, Mom? Have you met Rory?" and then finally I talked and she listened and she wound up getting you something I think you're really going to like.

RORY

Really?

LORELAI

Yes, really. And of course she insisted on buying us these dresses but I think I can do something with them to make them better.

RORY

Wow. I've never seen you so cheery after spending time with Grandma.

LORELAI

Well it's been a long time since we got together and didn't end up fighting. It was refreshing. It wasn't exactly fun but I didn't get that shooting pain in my eye like I usually do.

RORY

Wow. That's great.

LORELAI

Yeah.

LUKE

So I hear you're having a party Saturday.

RORY

Yeah. Mom's famous for her blowouts.

LORELAI

The best one was her eighth birthday.

RORY

Oh, yeah, that was good.

LORELAI

The cops shut us down.

LUKE

The cops shut down an eight year old's birthday party?

RORY

And arrested the clown.

LUKE

I don't want to hear any more of this.

LORELAI

So, now tell me, why Miss Lemonhead today?

RORY

Nothing. I-I'm fine. I just got an A- on a French test that I should have gotten an A on.

LORELAI

Oh, honey, an A- is awesome.

RORY

Yeah, it's - it's fine.

LOREAI

Let me see. Maybe we should really embrace the whole tulle thing. Go totally modern Cinderella. What do you think? It's your birthday.

RORY

Yeah. Lucky me.

LORELAI

Happy birthday. little girl.

RORY

Hey.

LORELAI

I can't believe how fast you're growing up.

RORY

Really? Feels slow.

LORELAI

Trust me, it's fast. What do you think of your life so far?

RORY

I think it's pretty good.

LORELAI

Any complaints?

RORY

I'd like that whole humidity thing to go away.

LORELAI

All right. I'll work on that.

RORY

So do I look older?

LORELAI

Oh, yeah. You walk into Denny's before 5, you've got yourself a discount.

RORY

Good deal.

LORELAI

So you know what I think?

RORY

What?

LORELAI

I think you're a great, cool kid, and the best friend a girl could have.

RORY

Right back at ya.

LORELAI

And it's so hard to believe that at exactly this time many moons ago, I was lying in exactly the same position --

RORY

Oh, boy. Here we go.

LORELAI

Only I had a huge, fat stomach and big fat ankles and I was swearing like a sailor --

RORY

On leave.

LORELAI

On leave -- right! And there I was --

RORY

In labor.

LORELAI

And while some have called it the most meaningful experience of your life, to me it was something more akin to doing the splits on a crate of dynamite.

RORY

I wonder if the Waltons ever did this.

LORELAI

And I was screaming and swearing and being surrounded as I was by a hundred prominent doctors, I just assumed there was an actual use for the cup of ice chips they gave me.

RORY

There wasn't.

LORELAI

But pelting the nurses sure was fun.

RORY

I love you, Mom.

LORELAI

Shh. I'm getting to the part where he sees your head. So there I was...

LANE

You should not have to go to school today.

RORY

Have to. Latin test.

LANE

Jeez. Every day you have a test. When do you have time to learn anything to be tested on?

LUKE

Hey, wrong table.

RORY

Since when is there a right table?

LUKE

Since the coffee cake I baked for you and the stupid balloons I blew up are at that table, over there.

RORY

You blew up balloons for me?

LUKE

Yep.

RORY

Oh, Luke, you old softie.

LUKE

I count to three, it's gone.

RORY

Thank you.

LANE

Are you OK?

RORY

Yeah, I'm just... I'm getting old, Lane.

LANE

You seem a little quiet this morning.

RORY

I'm just dreading this whole night. I mean, it's bad enough that I have to see these stupid kids from Chilton every day. But tonight? On my birthday? I've never even talked to most of them. I mean, I've only been going to this school for a couple months. God, they're gonna think I am the biggest freak and I need my grandma to get people to come to my party.

LANE

Well what did Lorelai say when you told her?

RORY

I didn't.

LANE

Why not?

RORY

Because of the pudding.

LANE

Oh, the pudding. Right, I forgot about the pudding.

RORY

My grandmother served us pudding the other night and then she went shopping with my mom and they didn't fight. I don't know, I mean, they never get along, and now suddenly they're getting along, and I knew that if I told Mom about the invites she'd wig out and call Grandma and that would be the end of the pudding.

LANE

You know you can buy pudding.

RORY

It's one night, right?

LANE

Right.

RORY

I can stand it for one night.

DEAN

Coffee to go, please.

LUKE

Here you go.

DEAN

Thanks.

LANE

Why are you smiling?

RORY

I'm just thinking about pudding.

EMILY

No, not there. In the living room. Why are you touching that? Why are you touching that? Well don't. I want those six inches apart! Get a ruler.

RICHARD

Emily!

EMILY

Let me do that.

RICHARD

I hope the Larsons are coming tonight.

EMILY

Richard, no business. This is your granddaughter's party.

RICHARD

Five minutes of shop talk isn't going to spoil the evening.

EMILY

Five minutes, please.

RICHARD

Emily.

EMILY

If I ever heard you keep your shop talk down to five minutes, I'd drop dead.

RICHARD

Emily.

EMILY

In fact I could drop dead and you wouldn't stop talking business. You'd just step right over my body to get to the speakerphone.

RICHARD

Emily.

EMILY

What?

RICHARD

You look very nice tonight.

EMILY

Thank you.

LORELAI

Jeez, Mom. Leave some servants for the rest of the neighborhood.

EMILY

There she is -- the birthday girl.

RORY

Hi Grandma.

LORELAI

Wow, you really went all out, huh?

EMILY

Well I wanted everything to be perfect. What do you think?

LORELAI

I think Edith Wharton would have been proud, and busy taking notes.

LORELAI

Here, babe, go change.

RORY

OK.

EMILY

Hurry!

EMILY

What is that?

LORELAI

Oh, that's my dress.

EMILY

Where's the one I bought you?

LORELAI

This is it.

EMILY

I thought there was more of it.

LORELAI

Gee, Mom, the place looks great.

EMILY

Did you turn Rory's into a hat?

LORELAI

Nice candles. Six inches apart?

RICHARD

You're drinking white wine tonight? No Scotch?

LORELAI

(to a guest) Excuse me. I'm going to sit over there with my daughter.

GUEST

OK.

LORELAI

Here.

RORY

What is it?

LORELAI

Shirley Temple.

RORY

What are you drinking?

LORELAI

A Shirley Temple Black.

RORY

Wow.

LORELAI

I got your Good Ship Lollipop right here, mister. So do you want something to eat?

RORY

Everything smells funny.

EMILY

There you are. Come, there's some people I want you to meet.

MITZI

Lorelai?

LORELAI

Yeah. Oh my God! Oh, Mitzie, wow, I haven't seen you since --

MITZI

Your seventh month.

LORELAI

I was going to say high school, but OK.

MITZI

Oh, no, did I say something rude?

LORELAI

No, no.

MITZI

No, I did. I said something rude. I've been trying to work on that.

LORELAI

Well, a noble goal.

MITZI

Ever since my divorce, I've been really trying to work on myself. You know, I just -- I want to grow.

LORELAI

Uh-huh.

MITZI

Lorelai Gilmore, the scandal girl! Now, tell me, what ever happened with Christopher?

LORELAI

Christopher is in California.

MITZI

Oh, do you hear from him?

LORELAI

Uh --

MITZI

I'm sorry, is this painful for you to talk about?

LORELAI

Uh, well --

MITZI

When did he last call you?

LORELAI

God, you're making progress with that rude thing, huh, Mitz?

MITZI

I'm sorry.

LORELAI

It's OK. He calls like once a week and we see him at Christmas, sometimes Easter. It's all very civil.

MITZI

So are you married now?

LORELAI

No, it's just me and Rory.

MITZI

Your cat?

LORELAI

My kid! She's right over there.

MITZI

Oh. (turns to look) Wow! You can really see Christopher in her, can't you?

LORELAI

Yes, you can.

MITZI

Does that kill you?

LORELAI

You know, what? I see... someone... else... and it's been great.

RICHARD

Oh, no, those aren't the terms we agreed on.

LARS

They most certainly are.

RICHARD

Lars, you were at the same meeting I was. We specifically spelled out a five year extention, not a three year one.

LARS

I heard three.

RORY

Hi Grandpa!

RICHARD

Rory. Gentlemen, this is my granddaughter, Rory.

LARS

Happy birthday, Rory.

LARS

I think we should Dennis on the phone right now.

RICHARD

Fine, I've got a phone in my office.

EMILY

Rory, there's a whole group of your school friends in the library. Let's go say hello to them.

RORY

I have to go to the bathroom.

EMILY

Just say hello first. Come on, I'll hold those for you.

KID #3

Who's that?

KID #4

I think it's her party.

KID #3

Oh.

RORY

Paris?

PARIS

My parents made me come.

RORY

Oh God!

PARIS

Otherwise I wouldn't be here. You believe me, don't you?

TRISTIN

Oh, coming to greet me?

RORY

Hello, Tristin.

TRISTIN

So where's my birthday kiss?

RORY

It's my birthday.

TRISTIN

So I'll give you a birthday kiss.

RORY

What is wrong with you?

TRISTIN

Ok, I gotta tell you something. I'm madly in love with you.

RORY

Well, good luck with that.

TRISTIN

I can't eat, I can't sleep... I wake up in the middle of the night calling your name. Rory, Rory!

RORY

Would you shut up please?

RICHARD

Rory, who's your friend?

RORY

I don't know but this is Tristin.

RICHARD

Excuse me?

TRISTIN

Tristin Dugray, sir.

RICHARD

Dugray? Are you any relation to Janlen Dugray?

RICHARD

That's my grandfather, sir.

RICHARD

Well I've done business with Janlen for years. He's a fine man.

TRISTIN

That he is.

RICHARD

Rory, you've got very good taste in friends. I approve.

LARS

Richard, I've got Dennis on the phone and he heard the same thing I heard.

RICHARD

Well, one wrong man can always find a friend.

TRISTIN

He likes me.

RORY

He's drunk.

TRISTIN

Let's take a walk.

RORY

This is stuipd. you don't even like me! You just have this weird need to prove that I'll go out with you. That's not liking someone.

TRISTIN

Why are you fighting this? You're gonna give in eventually.

RORY

I'm going to go find my mother.

TRISTIN

Wow, meeting your mom. It's a bit sudden, but OK.

EMILY

Oh there you are! I think it's time that you said a few words to your guests.

RORY

What?

EMILY

Just a little speech to say thank you and tell everyone how it feels to be one year older.

LORELAI

Mom, I don't she wants--

EMILY

She's the hostess, Lorelai. This is her responsibility.

RORY

I am not the hostess! You are!

LORELAI

Hey, honey, hold on...

RORY

This is your party and these are your guests and I don't have anything to say to them, so you give the speech.

EMILY

Rory!

RORY

Excuse me.

LORELAI

What was that all about?

EMILY

Lorelai, your daughter has no manners whatsoever. You should be ashamed of yourself.

LORELAI

OK, how did this become my fault?

LORELAI

Hey. Can I come in?

RORY

It's your room.

LORELAI

How are you doing?

RORY

I'm sorry I snapped at Grandma.

LORELAI

Yeah, hugh? That was a pretty 'Freaky Friday' moment we had back there.

RORY

She just went ahead and invited all these kids from Chilton.

LORELAI

You're kidding. I thought she checked on that with you.

RORY

She didn't ask me or tell me.

LORELAI

Oh, man, I'm so sorry.

RORY

It just -- I don't know but it really made me mad.

LORELAI

Oh, honey, why didn't you tell me?

RORY

Because you were happy. I mean, it's not very often that there's peace between the two of you. I didn't want to screw everything up.

LORELAI

Rory, I appreciate you wanting you wanting Mom and I to get along but you shouldn't keep stuff like that from me.

RORY

I feel terrible. I mean, I've never yelled at her before.

LORELAI

Listen, you'll apologize, all will be forgotten. You'll see. Man. It's like time has stood still in this room.

RORY

It must be weird for you to be in this room now.

LORELAI

Yeah, it was weird for me to be in this room then. (points to a dollhouse) You know, they gave this to me with the glass on.

RORY

I now officially know what it feels like to have grown up here.

LORELAI

It's not official until you're huddled in the corner eating your hair.

RORY

Do you remember your last birthday here?

LORELAI

Yeah. We had just had a fight and I was lying on the bed just like you are now.

RORY

What did you fight about?

LORELAI

Well, I was pregnant.

RORY

Oh, that.

LORELAI

And I said something at the table about the pate smelling like Clorox and one thing led to another and I wound up here. I hadn't told anybody yet about me. And you.

RORY

That must have been really hard on you.

LORELAI

Yeah. I remember when I finally told them, it was the only time they ever looked small to me.

RORY

I guess I'd better go find Grandma.

LORELAI

Mmm. Give her a minute.

EMILY

There you are!

LORELAI

She'll find us.

EMILY

You are both being very rude. This isn't my birthday party, you know.

LORELAI

Sorry, Mom.

EMILY

Honestly, the way the two of you act.

RORY

Grandma, I just want to --

EMILY

We'll talk about this later. Now go.

EMILY

Thank you, good to see you. Lovely as always, Leeza. My best to Darren.

LORELAI

Hey, Mom. Great party. One of your best. I even liked those brown mushroom things.

RORY

Grandma, can I talk to you for a sec?

EMILY

Richard, the girls are leaving.

RICHARD

Well, Rory, I hope you had a good time.

RORY

Yes, I did.

RICHARD

Now, I know that your grandmother has already bought you a gift and signed my name to it. That was part of our agreement when we got married. However, I feel this occasion calls for something a little extra. (hands her a check) Put that towards your trip to Fez.

RORY

Oh, Grandpa!

RICHARD

You're a good girl, Rory. Happy birthday.

RORY

I don't deserve this.

LORELAI

Fine, hand it over.

EMILY

You girls should get going. You've got quite a drive ahead of you.

RORY

Grandma, we're having a party tomorrow at our house and -- I mean, it won't be anything like this but it will be fun and maybe you and Grandpa can come?

EMILY

That's very sweet, dear, but I'm afraid we already have plans.

RORY

Oh, Ok.

EMILY

Have a safe trip. Lock the door behind you, OK?

LORELAI

Hey, um, why don't you go help that guy out there put all the presents in the car.

RORY

OK.

EMILY

(to catering staff) All this can go in the dishwasher.

LORELAI

Mom, come to the party tomorrow.

EMILY

I can't. I'm busy. (to catering staff) Throw those out, we won't need them.

LORELAI

Mom, your granddaughter invited you to her birthday party. Please, come.

EMILY

I've already been to a party for my granddaughter and she humilitated me in front of all of my friends. I have no desire to relive that experience. (to catering staff) The cheeses must be put in individual bags, please.

LORELAI

Oh come on, give her a break. You invited all these Chilton kids without even asking her.

EMILY

They're her schoolmates. I assumed they were her friends

LORELAI

You know what they say when people assume things.

EMILY

No, what do they say?

LORELAI

That -- you shouldn't.

EMILY

Very clever.

LORELAI

Mom, she didn't want them here. She doesn't like them.

EMILY

Well I had to invite them. That's just good manners, something that your daughter is sorely lacking.

LORELAI

God, you know, you're doing the same thing to her that you always did to me. You're trying to control her and when that doesn't work you just shut her out.

EMILY

I'm too tired for your accusations right now. Can we do this tomorrow?

LORELAI

I'm just --

EMILY

Here, I'll find you a pen so you can write down all your insults so that you won't forget them.

LORELAI

Mom, this is not funny. I have a crushed kid out in the car.

EMILY

What do you want me to say? Everything's fine, it's forgotten. There, I'll see you next week.

LORELAI

So I guess the whole pudding thing was just a fluke, huh? Trying to get to know us, easing up on the rules, smuding that bottom line of yours. It was just some weird phase. What, you were on cold medicine last week or something?

EMILY

Oh, so I'm a villan now, is that it? I spent a fortune on this party. I spent days planning it, making sure that every little detail was perfect -- the food, the linen, the music. And I did all this for Rory.

LORELAI

Well that's not what she needs. She needs you to accept her apology and come to her party. That's what she needs. You don't care what she needs.

EMILY

How dare you!

LORELAI

You don't even know what she needs because you don't know her. You've never tried to know her just like you never knew me.

EMILY

Oh I know you.

LORELAI

Oh, please. You don't know anything about me.

EMILY

Oh, you'd like to think that, wouldn't you? That you're just some huge mystery to me. 'Why does Lorelai do that?' 'I don't know, she's a mystery to me.' Well you're not so mysterious, Lorelai.

LORELAI

No! No! What am I then?

EMILY

Well right now you're very loud and disruptive to the entire cleaning process. (to catering staff) For God's sake! What do I have to do to get you to put the damn cheese in individual bags?

LORELAI

Fine, I give up

EMILY

Oh, you give up? If I had a dollar for every time you gave up --

LORELAI

Then you could pay for this party, couldn't you?

SOOKIE

I made coffee.

LORELAI

Mmm.

SOOKIE

Hangover?

LORELAI

Emily.

SOOKIE

Oh. Got it. Moving on...

RORY

Good morning.

SOOKIE

Morning, Popcorn. You want some pancakes?

RORY

No, I've gotta get going.

LORELAI

Where?

RORY

The college fair is this morning.

LORELAI

So you're going to get yet another Harvard brochure?

RORY

I just want to see if they've changed the pictures.

LORELAI

Weirdo.

RORY

I'll be back in plenty of time to help you decorate.

LORELAI

No, this is your party. You do not work. You lounge and mock those who are. Have I taught you nothing?

RORY

Sorry. I'll try to be better. Bye.

SOOKIE

OK, bye-bye.

RORY

New brochure?

HARVARD REP

Yes.

PARIS

What are you doing here?

RORY

There's a college fair going on.

PARIS

No, I mean, what are you doing here?

RORY

I'm getting a new brochure.

PARIS

Why?

RORY

Because they're not selling pizza. (pause) Oh no.

PARIS

You can't.

RORY

You're applying to Harvard?

PARIS

Yes.

RORY

No!

PARIS

Ten generations of Gellers have gone to Harvard. I have to go to Harvard.

RORY

I can't believe this.

PARIS

You can go somewhere else. Go to Brandeis. Brandeis is nice.

RORY

I've only ever wanted to go to Harvard. That's it. Nowhere else. (pause) It's a big school.

PARIS

I guess.

RORY

We'll probably never see each other.

PARIS

You think?

RORY

And if we do, we duck.

PARIS

OK. So...

PARIS

Hey... Are you dating Tristin?

RORY

What? No. No way.

PARIS

Do you like him?

RORY

Not even a little.

PARIS

Really?

RORY

Really.

PARIS

OK.

PARIS

Hey... Nice party.

RORY

Thanks.

MISS PATTY

Happy birthday Rory!

LORELAI

Open it, open it, open it!

RORY

No!

LORELAI

You like it? You can take it back.

RORY

No! I love it! It's perfect.

LORELAI

It's blue and it has a handle.

RORY

It's way too expensive.

LORELAI

I know, that's what I told the guy at the store.

SOOKIE

OK! On three 'cause I'm gonna drop it. OK, One, two --

LORELAI

Make a wish.

LORELAI

All right, everybody, I need your attention, your attention please. This is a very serious moment. Two priests, a rabbi and a duck --

RORY

Mom.

LORELAI

All right, I'm kidding. Um, I would like to propose a toast to the one thing in my life that is always good, always sweet, and without whom I would have no reason to get up in the morning. My pal Rory. Cheers.

BABETTE

Happy birthday.

LORELAI

And in honor of this very special girl I now invite you all to help me eat her face.

SOOKIE

And you may have the first cut.

RORY

There's something very strange about hacking into my own head.

LORELAI

Jeez, who the hell's ringing the bell? It's a party! Get your ass in here!

LORELAI

Or asses I guess.

RORY

Grandma! Grandpa! I can't believe you're here. I'm so glad you came. Hey, no tie?

RICHARD

I thought I'd mix it up a little.

RORY

Grandma, look.

EMILY

Why, it looks lovely.

RORY

I want you to meet everyone. Everyone, these are my grandparents.

EVERYONE

Hi.

RICHARD

Hello.

EMILY

Lorelai.

LORELAI

Emily, Dad.

RICHARD

Lorelai, you look well.

MISS PATTY

I'm Patricia LaCosta. We just love your daughter and granddaughter.

EMILY

Thank you.

MISS PATTY

My God, you're a tall speciman of a man. Must be all that good air in Hartford.

LORELAI

Mom, Dad, can I get you a drink?

EMILY

No, thank you.

LORELAI

Oh, no, Mom, you're going to need one and I have wine glasses that say "Holiday Inn" on them.

EMILY

Stoli on the rocks with a twist.

LORELAI

Right.

LORELAI

Um, OK, uh, my parents are here.

SOOKIE

No!

LORELAI

Yeah. I've cursed in front of them twice and Miss Patty already tried to hit on my dad, and I'm sure my mom is going to call Child Protective Services

SOOKIE

God, when was the last time they were here?

LORELAI

Never.

SOOKIE

Not once?

LORELAI

Not since we moved here. I mean, they'd come down and visit is occasionally when Rory was a baby and we lived at the inn, but they have never been here.

SOOKIE

Wow. That's big stuff. Is Rory thrilled?

LORELAI

Through the roof.

SOOKIE

Oh, that's great.

EMILY

Lorelai, I just tried some of thse hors d'ouevres. They're unbelievable. Who is your caterer?

LORELAI

Sookie.

EMILY

What's a Sookie?

LORELAI

That's a Sookie.

SOOKIE

Hi. Sookie St. James.

LORELAI

Sookie's the chef at the inn, Mom.

EMILY

My dear, you are very talented.

SOOKIE

Thank you.

EMILY

Well, you must cater my next party. When my friends get wind of you you're going to have so much business you won't know what to do with yourself. But remember -- I discovered you.

LORELAI

Mom, Sookie has a job. She's the chef at the inn. The inn where we work -- my inn. Six days a week, Mom. (to Sookie) Just give her your number or we'll never get out of here.

SOOKIE

OK.

LORELAI

So, how does it look?

RICHARD

Well, it doesn't look structurally sound.

LORELAI

Drink up, Dad.

SOOKIE

OK, don't panic.

LORELAI

Good opening line. What's wrong?

SOOKIE

We're out of ice.

LORELAI

How could we be out of ice? We had a ton of ice. It was like a penguin habitat in there.

SOOKIE

I don't know how it happened, I just know it happened and somehow we have to deal with it.

LORELAI

I will go and get some then.

LORELAI

Oh! Oh my God! You're a vision! Sookie, we have ice!

SOOKIE

Hallelujah.

LORELAI

How did you know?

LUKE

Well, a good rule of thumb is you can never have too much ice.

LORELAI

Oh, you're the best.

LORELAI

That's -- Oh, hi, Mom. This is my friend Luke

LUKE

How are you doing?

EMILY

Fine, thank you.

LUKE

Well I'd better get these in the freezer before they melts.

LORELAI

Well, not very likely in here.

RORY

Grandpa?

RICHARD

Rory, what a lovely party.

RORY

I brought you something to read.

RICHARD

Oh.

RORY

It's not the Wall Street Journal, but there's a quiz in there that determines whether you're a summer or a fall.

RICHARD

Well I appreciate this, thank you.

BABETTE

Oh, Morey, you remember the time that Rory decided that our old tree stump was a fairy ring?

MOREY

I sure do.

BABETTE

How old was she then, sugar?

LORELAI

I think she was about 10.

RORY

Hey, all I know is that it matched the description .

BABETTE

Oh, God, she was cute. She used to sit out there with a peanut butter sandwich just waiting for the fairy to get hungry.

RORY

OK, new story.

MISS PATTY

I'm still crushed beyond belief that she quit her ballet lessons.

LORELAI

Oh, not me. Miss Perfect Work Ethic would prance around this room 24 hours a day.

RORY

And I still stunk.

LANE

I can vouch for that.

MISS PATTY

That's not true!

MOREY

She was pretty bad.

MISS PATTY

No, don't you listen to them. You had a true gift.

MISS PATTY

What? She did. She was talented.

LORELAI

I made that.

EMILY

Really?

LORELAI

From Rory's old baby clothes

EMILY

How nice. Hope you washed them first.

LORELAI

Oh, rats. I knew I forgot something.

EMILY

That's quite an assortment of characters you've assembled down there.

LORELAI

They're great people.

EMILY

This Patricia --

LORELAI

Miss Patty.

EMILY

She teaches dance?

LORELAI

Among other things.

EMILY

And this man with the ice.

LORELAI

Luke.

EMILY

How long have you been seeing him?

LORELAI

Luke? I'm not seeing Luke. He's just a friend.

EMILY

Mm-hmm.

LORELAI

Mom, I swear. Luke keeps me in coffee, nothing else.

EMILY

He seems to like you.

LORELAI

And you're judging this by what?

EMILY

By they way he looked at you.

LORELAI

Which is how?

EMILY

Like you were about to give him a lap dance.

LORELAI

Mom, he did not look at me like that.

EMILY

You're pleased.

LORELAI

What?

EMILY

You smiled. You're pleased that the ice man looked at you like a Porterhouse steak.

LORELAI

I'm smiling because you're crazy and that's what you do to crazy people to keep them calm.

EMILY

What's this?

LORELAI

Well, that's me, Mom.

EMILY

I know that's you. You're wearing a cast.

LORELAI

Yeah, that's when I broke my leg.

EMILY

You broke your leg?

LORELAI

Yeah, three years ago during a yoga class. The headstand portion took a very ugly turn. The good thing was I brought the smug, blonde, pretzel chick down with me. I've since learned that I'm a bit too comptetitive for yoga.

EMILY

I never knew that you broke your leg.

LORELAI

It was no big deal, Mom. If I'd been really sick you would have known.

EMILY

Yeah, well... You know, could get a maid in here once a week to at least tidy the place up.

LORELAI

I like it cluttered.

EMILY

You can't even find the bed.

LORELAI

Yes I can. It's the thing that I crash into on the way to the closet.

EMILY

I should go check on your father.

LORELAI

It was nice that you came tonight, Mom. It meant a lot. To Rory. Really.

EMILY

Well, she is my granddaughter, after all. I should be here.

LORELAI

I totally agree.

LORELAI

Leave it.

EMILY

It's time to go now.

RICHARD

In a minute, please.

EMILY

Rory, we're going to get going now.

RORY

Thank you for coming.

EMILY

Thanks for asking me.

RICHARD

Ah, lovely party. I enjoyed the reading material immensely.

RORY

So what's the verdict?

RICHARD

I am an autumn.

RORY

Interesting.

RICHARD

Isn't it?

LORELAI

Hey, so you guys leaving? The mud wrestling starts in ten minutes.

EMILY

Good night, Lorelai. We had a lovely time.

LORELAI

And with a straight face you said that.

RICHARD

I'd have that chimney inspected if I were you.

LORELAI

I'll get right on that, Dad.

RICHARD

For Fez.

RORY

But Grandpa, you already took care of that.

RICHARD

Fez is a very large city.

RORY

So...

LORELAI

Food fight?

RORY

Absolutely.

RICHARD

Emily?

EMILY

She's right. I don't know my daughter at all. We should go. Traffic.

LORELAI

Next year, we are going to a McDonald's with one of those slides and that's it.

SOOKIE

The party was a hit.

LORELAI

And we'll be eating onion dip for breakfast for a week.

SOOKIE

You know, you mix that dip with some groud turkey and some garlic and it's really not too bad.

LORELAI

Hey, I'm not looking for a recipe.

SOOKIE

Ooh, reflex, sorry. OK, I'm gonna go check the living room.

LORELAI

OK.

RORY

You didn't have to get me anything.

DEAN

Sorry, that's the rules. You get older, you get a gift.

RORY

I'm sorry about this sort of sneaky thing. I just haven't told my mother yet about you. I mean, not that there's to tell. I just --

DEAN

That's OK. This is better.

RORY

Oh my God. It's beautiful.

DEAN

Well, I bought the medallion and I just cut some leather straps and drilled a hole, and well, you like it?

RORY

I -- it's amazing.

DEAN

Good.

RORY

Thank you.

DEAN

Here.