T1E7: “Kiss and Tell”

LORELAI

One of us has to do laundry tonight.

RORY

Why?

LORELAI

Because I haven't had any clean underwear for three days.

RORY

So right now under your skirt you're wearing...?

LORELAI

Not underwear.

RORY

Mom!

LORELAI

It's kinda nice, actually -- breezy.

RORY

My role model, ladies and gentlemen.

LORELAI

How come you haven't run out yet?

RORY

I don't know. I guess I have more underwear than you.

LORELAI

That's not true. You have less. Have you been doing laundry without me?

RORY

No.

LORELAI

Rory?

RORY

OK, one load.

LORELAI

And you didn't even ask if I had stuff to throw in?

RORY

It was a big load. There wasn't any room.

LORELAI

I'm crushed. I'm bleeding. Get me a tourniquet. Oh, no, they're dirty 'cause Rory wouldn't wash them with her stuff.

RORY

I'm sorry. I'll do another load tonight, I promise.

LORELAI

Never mind. I'll do my own laundry.

RORY

Fine, even better.

LORELAI

I hate doing laundry. Maybe I'll just buy new underwear.

MISS PATTY

And flutter, flutter, flutter, flutter, flutter...and leaves. Where are my leaves? I got pumpkins, I got Pilgrims, I got no leaves.

TAYLOR

Every other store in town has fall decorations.

LUKE

Hoorah for the mob mentality.

TAYLOR

We're talking a few streamers and a paper turkey. How's it gonna hurt to have a paper turkey?

LUKE

No turkey, no squash, no pumpkins. Nothing colored orange.

TAYLOR

OK, you don't like orange. That's fine. Autumn has many varied hues to toy with.

LORELAI

Excuse me, can we get some coffee please?

RORY

And a muffin?

LORELAI

Warmed?

TAYLOR

This is the Autumn Festival. Your show is right across the street from the Horn of Plenty! You're right smack dab in the middle of everything. You have to decorate.

LUKE

I don't have to do anything but serve food.

LORELAI

And coffee!

RORY

And muffins!

LUKE

Taylor, I'm tired of having this conversation with you every year.

LORELAI

Yoo-hoo!

TAYLOR

You have lived in Stars Hollow for a long time, young man. It's time you became one of us.

LORELAI

Whoo!

LUKE

Sorry, I guess my pod's defective.

RORY

Hey. My mom's not wearing any underwear.

LORELAI

Oh!

RORY

Well you aren't.

TAYLOR

You're just being selfish, Luke.

LORELAI

Still they don't notice. I can't take it anymore.

TAYLOR

We're talking about the spirit of fall.

LORELAI

What kind of muffin do you want?

RORY

Blueberry.

LUKE

You know where you can stick the spirit of fall?

LUKE

Here, don't use your hands.

TAYLOR

I don't think you're taking me seriously.

LUKE

What gave you that idea? (to Lorelai, who is leaving) No tip?

LORELAI

Oh, yeah, here's a tip -- serve your customers.

LUKE

Here's another -- don't sit on any cold benches.

LUKE

Taylore, I swear to God, if you pull those Pilgrims out of your pocket one more time...

TAYLOR

I'm just doing it --

LUKE

No.

TAYLOR

I don't know. It doesn't really look like the Mayflower.

DEAN

Well we could put a sign on it or something.

TAYLOR

I don't know.

DEAN

So do you want to go back to the Plymouth Rock idea?

TAYLOR

We'll just live with it that way for a day.

DEAN

You know, you can get two for three bucks.

RORY

Oh really? Excellent deal.

DEAN

You just had a desperate need for some cornstarch?

RORY

Yes. I have very important thickening needs, thank you. Nice apron.

DEAN

Nice uniform.

RORY

Well, you know, I sewed the buttons on with silver thread so that sets me apart from the crowd. (pause) I guess I should get home.

DEAN

Wait a sec. You want a pop or something?

RORY

A pop?

DEAN

Give me a break. In Chicago they call it pop.

RORY

Well in Connecticut we call it free soda. And yes, thank you.

DEAN

Alright, guess which is in each hand and you get the soda.

RORY

OK, the whole concept a free soda is that it's free, you don't have to work for it.

DEAN

Sorry you gotta sing for your supper.

RORY

Or your soda.

DEAN

Guess.

RORY

OK, in this hand you have --

RORY

Thank you.

RORY

Lane? Lane?

LANE

What's wrong?

RORY

I got kissed! And I shoplifted. (Rory is still holding the box of cornstarch.)

LANE

Are you serious? Who kissed you?

RORY

Dean.

LANE

The new kid?

RORY

Yes.

LANE

You got the new kid? Oh my God!

RORY

It happened so fast. I was just standing there --

LANE

Where?

RORY

Doose's Market.

LANE

He kissed you in the market?

RORY

On aisle three.

LANE

By the pest spray?

RORY

Yes.

LANE

Oh, that's a good aisle.

RORY

What defines a good aisle?

LANE

An aisle where you get kissed by the new kid is a good aisle.

RORY

Oh my God. I can't breathe.

LANE

OK, sit down.

RORY

No I can't sit down. I'm too -- Oh my God, He kissed me!

MRS. KIM

Who kissed you?

LANE

The Lord, Mama.

MRS. KIM

Oh, OK then.

LANE

So? Tell me everything.

RORY

So I go into the store and he offers me a soda. And then he puts two behind his back and he asks me to pick one and then he kissed me.

LANE

I'm so jealous! That's it, I've got to get some dumb, ugly friends.

RORY

I have to go tell my mom.

LANE

Call me later.

RORY

OK.

LANE

What's wrong?

RORY

I can't.

LANE

You can't leave? It's sing your favorite hymn night at the Kim house. Make a run for it.

RORY

My mom doesn't know about Dean.

LANE

So tell her.

RORY

The last time the subject of boys came up it got very ugly.

LANE

Well that was different. She thought you were gonna to quit school over a guy.

RORY

Yes, over Dean.

LANE

OK, fine, but she doesn't have to know it was him.

RORY

She'll know.

LANE

How?

RORY

She's Lorelai, she'll know. What do I do?

LANE

Well maybe she'll be more open to the concept now that you're in school and doing so well and everything.

RORY

Maybe.

LANE

Try it.

RORY

OK. I gotta go.

LANE

Hey, was it great?

RORY

It was perfect.

LANE

Wow.

RORY

Yeah.

LORELAI

Yeah, can you hear that? (pause) No, no, it's higher, it's like a high-pitched kind of an "EEEEEE!" sound. It started last week but it was lower and it only happened when we opened the door and now it's higher and it's on all the time so I think it's really, uh, growing in confidence. (pause) OK, look, I've already told this to three other people so could you just please tell me what is wrong with this fridge? (pause) I'm not going to make the noise again. (pause) I'm not --- EEEEEE! (pause) Look, Jerry, I don't have a lot of pride but I do have enough that I do not want to make that noise again, so could you please, tell me what is wrong with the fridge or connect me with someone who can? (pause) Thank you. Hello...Rusty, great. Listen, my fridge is making this weird sound. It's like a high-pitched -- you know what -- actually, is Jerry still there? (pause) OK, have him make the sound. He knows it. I'll wait. (pause) I know! It does sound bad. (pause) OK,here is the deal. You will send som

RORY

So are they coming tomorrow?

LORELAI

Nope. Monday, between three and eight. I am completely useless.

RORY

Sorry.

LORELAI

Oh my God! Look at this place. It's a sty! Now I'm crabby. I'm crabby and useless. Stupid fridge! Stupid fridge guys! I hate my life.

LORELAI

Hello! Hello!

MRS. KIM

Yes.

LORELAI

Oh God! Quite an entrance. Jeez, my heart.

MRS. KIM

Rory's not here.

LORELAI

No, I know. I came to pick up that rocker that I bought a couple weeks ago.

MRS. KIM

Six weeks ago.

LORELAI

Oh, well, OK. Well, that's a couple times three. That's six. (no response) Math humor. Not big with a lot of people. Don't feel bad. (Mrs. Kim walks around the store looking for the chair. Lorelai follows.)

MRS. KIM

This is not a storage facility.

LORELAI

I know, I'm sorry.

MRS. KIM

This is a furniture store. Furniture comes in, people buy, then it goes out.

LORELAI

Right.

MRS. KIM

Except when Lorelai Gilmore buys. Then furniture stays here for six weeks.

LORELAI

How about I pay you extra?

MRS. KIM

I don't want you to pay me extra. I want you to pick up the thing you paid for in the first place.

MRS. KIM

Here.

LORELAI

Huh, I remember it smaller.

MRS. KIM

It's been six weeks. Maybe it grew.

LORELAI

Right, well, once again, I'm very sorry. I've just been very busy.

MRS. KIM

Maybe you should be less busy. Then you can remember to pick up chairs.

LORELAI

Right. Absolutely. Smell a rose, got it.

MRS. KIM

And then you could keep your daughter from running around kissing boys.

LORELAI

What?

MRS. KIM

Lane is a young, impressionable girl. She doesn't need to hear about your daughter's kissing.

LORELAI

Are the lids tight on the paint remover -- because you're sounding a little loopy to me.

MRS. KIM

Loopy? What's loopy?

LORELAI

Rory's not kissing anybody.

MRS. KIM

Yes she is. She came in here and told Lane she kissed a boy in the grocery store. The grocery store! Where we buy our food.

LORELAI

This does not make any -- she kissed a boy in the grocery store?

MRS. KIM

Yes, yes, yes. The boy in the grocery store. Kiss, kiss, kiss.

LORELAI

I'm sorry. I didn't know. (sadly) She didn't tell me. (pause) I have to go.

MRS. KIM

You left your chair! (sighs)

LANE

OK, just one more time.

RORY

I've been telling you this story for an hour. It doesn't get dirty.

LANE

I can't help it. I'm obsessed. I'm totally living vicariously through you.

RORY

Why? You got kissed last weekend. Remember? You told me. That guy your parents set you up with. The one with the Lincoln Continental. What's his name? Patrick Cho!

LANE

OK, let's do a little compare and contrast here. You get kissed on the mouth by a cute, cool, sexy guy you really like. And I get kissed on the forehead by a theology major in a Members-Only jacket who truly believes that rock music leads to hard drugs.

RORY

Fair enough. You can live through me. But just remember that I have no idea what I'm doing.

LANE

I'm well aware of that. That's why I've been diligently gathering information for us.

RORY

What kind of information?

LANE

Well, let's see. Dean's from Chicago, which you know.

RORY

I do.

LANE

He likes Nick Drake and Liz Phair and the Sugarplastic and he's deathly allergic to walnuts.

RORY

Walnuts -- bad. Got it.

LANE

Now, he had a girlfriend in Chicago.

RORY

A girlfriend?

LANE

Her name's Beth and they went out for about a year but they split amicably before he left and now she's dating his cousin. Which he doesn't feel too weird about because he doesn't think they were really in love.

RORY

Beth.

LANE

I wouldn't worry about it.

RORY

How'd you get all this information?

LANE

Through his best friend, who, by the way, is really cool. So once you get settled with Dean do you think you could ask him about Todd?

RORY

Oh, absolutely. So, Beth, huh? I hate the name Beth. It's so...Beth.

LANE

Now, Todd also said that Dean hasn't been able to talk about anything but you for weeks!

LANE

Stop it, you're giving me Patrick Cho flashbacks.

MISS PATTY

Oh, Luke, the food here is lovely but you know what would make it even better?

LUKE

Let me guess: some autumn festival decorations?

MISS PATTY

Well food without ambience isn't really food, is it?

LUKE

More iced tea, Patty?

MISS PATTY

Oh, no, thank you. It's much too depressing in here for tea.

LUKE

You realize Taylor's a head case, right?

MISS PATTY

Yes, but at least he's a festive one.

LUKE

Just eat.

LUKE

Coffee? (no answer) Aw, come on. Are you mad at me too? I mean, a man can't choose whether or not he wants a picture of a fat, stupid bird on his wall? My God, that's the reason the damn Pilgrims came here in the first place.

LORELAI

Luke, I wasn't snubbing you. I didn't hear you and now I'm concerned about you.

LUKE

Sorry, just feeling a little persecuted lately. Coffee?

LORELAI

Please.

LUKE

You OK?

LORELAI

Yes, I'm fine.

LUKE

You don't look fine.

LORELAI

Well thank you.

LUKE

I just meant you look concerned.

LORELAI

I'm preoccupied.

LUKE

You look concerned.

LORELAI

Well I'm not.

LUKE

Fine, you just look it.

LORELAI

Hey, you know some streamers would look so great in here.

LUKE

OK, I'm done.

LORELAI

Thank you.

RORY

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

LORELAI

Oh, hey. Save your apologies for the Indians, missy.

RORY

People are really in a giving mood today. The horn of plenty is packed.

LORELAI

That's great. Do you want some coffee?

RORY

Oh, no, I'll just have a sip of yours. I have to get right back.

LORELAI

Oh, really? I thought we were having lunch today.

RORY

I can't. We're one Pilgrim short. I only have a couple minutes.

LORELAI

Oh. You've been really busy lately.

RORY

Yeah. I guess it's that end-of-the-year rush

LORELAI

I mean, we haven't even really talked in a couple of days.

RORY

What do you want to talk about?

LORELAI

I don't know. Anything.

RORY

OK. Did you read that article in the newspaper about the polar ice caps melting?

LORELAI

Yeah, yeah. Ooh big deal.

RORY

Fine. You pick the subject.

LORELAI

Oh, OK, great. I was watching General Hospital the other day and you know, they have a new Lucky 'cause the old Lucky went to play something where he could have a real name. So the old Lucky had this girlfriend, Liz, who thought that he died in a fire. So then they bring on this new Lucky and you're all like "OK, I know that's not the old Lucky because the new Lucky has way more hair gel issues" but still, Liz was so upset about his supposed death that you could not wait to see them kiss, you know?

RORY

When do you have time to watch General Hospital?

LORELAI

OK, let's get back to the point. What do you think about the whole Liz/Lucky kissing thing?

RORY

I think they're actors being paid to play a part so it's nice that they're living up to their obligations.

LORELAI

Hmm. Rory --

RORY

Look, can we finish this very meaningful conversation later? I promised Lane I'd get right back.

LORELAI

OK, I'll see you later.

RORY

OK. Bye.

LORELAI

Bye.

LUKE

I'm not gonna say you look concerned.

LORELAI

I'm not gonna talk about how good you'd look dressed like one of the guys from 'The Crucible.'

LUKE

Fair enough.

LUKE

Hey.

LORELAI

(startled) Oh, God! What are you doing?

LUKE

What are you doing?

LORELAI

I asked you first.

LUKE

I ran out of cream.

LORELAI

Yeah me too.

LUKE

What are you starin' at?

LORELAI

Nothing. Don't look, don't look.

LUKE

What is wrong with you today?

LORELAI

Rory got kissed.

LUKE

What?

LORELAI

Rory had her first kiss and that guy did it.

LUKE

Ah.

LORELAI

Yeah.

LUKE

The new kid.

LORELAI

Yep.

LORELAI

Oh look at him. Look how smug he is.

LUKE

He's bagging groceries. It's hard to be smug bagging groceries.

LORELAI

Oh look how he just handled those lemons.

LUKE

What are you talking about?

LORELAI

He threw them in the bag. Not tossed them or placed them but threw them like they were nothing to him.

LUKE

They're lemons.

LORELAI

They're symbolic.

LUKE

OK. We need to get you out of here.

LORELAI

No. That' Lothario over there has wormed his way into my daughter's heart and mouth and for that he must die!

LUKE

That's it, let's go.

LORELAI

No.

LUKE

You're not going to kill the bag boy.

LORELAI

Why not?

LUKE

It's double coupon day. You'll bring down the town.

LORELAI

OK, OK. I'm out. Stop pushing me.

LUKE

What are you thinking spying on that kid like that?

LORELAI

I don't know. I just wanted to see him. I mean I've seen him already but that was before he was --

LUKE

Rory's boyfriend?

LORELAI

Shush, you.

LUKE

She's growing up.

LORELAI

I know.

LUKE

There's nothing you can do about that.

LORELAI

OK, Mr. Reality, break into somebody's else's house.

LUKE

Sorry.

LORELAI

Why didn't she tell me?

LUKE

What?

LORELAI

Why didn't Rory tell me about the kiss?

LUKE

Maybe she didn't know you'd take it so well.

LORELAI

Want to hear something crazy?

LUKE

'Cause all the talk up until now has been so normal.

LORELAI

He kind of looks like Christopher.

LUKE

The grocery kid?

LORELAI

Yeah. He looks like Christopher.

LUKE

And Christopher is Rory's dad?

LORELAI

The hair, the build, something about the eyes. He reminds me of Christopher.

LUKE

Well that's not too surprising.

LORELAI

You're going to quote Freud to me? 'Cause I'll push you in front of a moving car. This talk was going so well.

LUKE

You and Rory are a lot alike. It's not surprising you would have similar tastes in men.

LORELAI

I guess. But why? Why didn't she tell me? We tell each other everything.

LUKE

This is different

LORELAI

But we tell each other everything else. But this she keeps a secret. It's 'cause it's a guy thing.

LUKE

Probably.

LORELAI

Well that's not good. I have to make her understand that I'm OK with the guy thing. 'Cause not talking about guys and our personal lives -- that's me and my mom. That is not me and Rory.

LUKE

Are you OK with the guy thing?

LORELAI

Yes.

LUKE

Really?

LORELAI

OK...ish.

LUKE

That's not OK.

LORELAI

Well it's OK with an -ish.

LUKE

Whatever you say.

LORELAI

She just -- she thinks I'll disapprove, right? Well I won't. I will show her that I think this is great. Once she sees that I think this is great, everything will be back to normal between us, right? Right -- OK, good.

LUKE

E So you passed the need for an actual person to talk to several minutes ago.

LORELAI

Oh, yeah. Before the gelato stand.

LUKE

You're an amazing woman.

LOREALI

Thank you for noticing.

RORY

Hey, sorry I'm late.

LORELAI

Oh, hey, no big deal. There's Chinese in the fridge.

RORY

OK.

LORELAI

So...kissed any good boys lately?

RORY

Who...?

LORELAI

Mrs. Kim.

RORY

(mumbling) Of course.

LORELAI

So, he's cute.

RORY

Yeah, he is.

LORELAI

Can he spell?

RORY

He can spell and read. How long have you known?

LORELAI

Since this morning. You didn't think you were gonna be able to keep it a secret did you? You were making out in the market.

RORY

We weren't making out. It was just one kiss.

LORELAI

Yeah, well by the time that gets to Miss Patty's it's a scene from 9 1/2 Weeks.

RORY

You've known all this time? At Luke's? Here?

LORLELAI

Yeah.

RORY

You could have said something.

LORELAI

Now, funny, I was going to say the same thing to you.

RORY

So...

LORELAI

So...

RORY

What now?

LORELAI

Now? Nothing?

RORY

No? No lecture about kissing a boy?

LORELAI

Why? Did you do it wrong?

RORY

No...I don't think.

LORELAI

I didn't love the way I found out, but you're getting older. These things are bound to happen occasionally. Actually I think it's great.

RORY

No you don't.

LORELAI

Yes I do. I'm thrilled.

RORY

Thrilled?

LORELAI

Yeah.

RORY

You're completely weirded out by this aren't you?

LORELAI

No. You're crazy. I'm perfectly fine with it.

RORY

You don't seem fine. You seem the complete opposite of fine.

LORELAI

Well you're projecting that on me because you don't want to think that I'm fine when I am, as I have said, fine.

RORY

OK.

LORELAI

Never been finer.

RORY

Got it. You want some?

LORELAI

No, thanks. I'm fine.

LORELAI

OK, we have to be really quick, 'cause the video store's gonna close, so stick to our list. No impulse buying like toothpaste or soap.

LORELAI

Rory?

RORY

Hey, I think we have enough stuff to eat at home.

LORELAI

Really...where do you live? 'Cause the home I left this morning had nothing.

RORY

Well we're ordering pizza. That's enough.

LORELAI

Are you crazy? You can't watch Willy Wonka without massive amounts of junk food! It's not right. I won't allow it. We're going in.

LORELAI

Rory, it's fine.

RORY

It's too weird.

LORELAI

I'm gonna have to meet him eventually.

RORY

OK. How about next year?

LORELAI

I'm going to be so cool in there you will mistake me for Shaft.

RORY

There will be no interrogation.

LORELAI

I swear.

RORY

No kissing noises. No stories from my childhood. No referring to Chicago as Chitown. No James Dean jokes. No father with a shotgun stares. No Nancy Walker impressions.

LORELAI

Oh come on!

RORY

Promise me.

LORELAI

I really and truly promise. Now can we please go to the market?

RORY

OK. Let's go.

RORY

I don't see him.

LORELAI

All right. Well maybe he's on a break.

RORY

Yeah. Yeah, maybe he's on a break.

LORELAI

Yeah.

RORY

OK, good. So we can shop.

LORELAI

Yep.

RORY

Do we want marshmallows?

LORELAI

Mmm...and jelly beans and chocolate kisses. Cookie dough we have at home. Peanut butter. Ooh, do you think they have that thing that's like a sugar stick on one side but then you dip it in the sugar on the other side then you eat it?

RORY

We are going to be so sick. It's amazing that we still function. There he is.

LORELAI

Boy, he's tall. That must have been some back-bender, that kiss.

RORY

Mom!

LORELAI

Make sure you warm up next time.

RORY

OK, we are leaving now.

LORELAI

Sorry. Done now. He's got great eyes! You got to love a guy with great eyes.

RORY

Yeah.

LORELAI

And a nice smile.

RORY

Very nice.

LORELAI

Think we can get him to turn around?

RORY

It's nice too.

LORELAI

Really?

RORY

Trust me.

LORELAI

(to cashier) Hey.

CASHIER

Oh, you girls having another movie night?

LORELAI

Yeah...It's Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.

CASHIER

Oh, that's nice. Isn't that the one with Gene Hackman?

DEAN

Uh, Gene Wilder.

LORELAI

You're a Wonka fan?

DEAN

Yeah.

RORY

Um, Dean, this is my mom, Lorelai. Mom, this is Dean.

LORELAI

Nice to meet you, Dean.

DEAN

Yeah, you too.

LORELAI

Nice apron.

DEAN

Um...thanks.

CASHIER

Forty-one eighty-three.

LORELAI

Oh, wow. It's expensive to slowly rot your insides isn't it? Here you go.

RORY

(taking the bag from Dean) Thank you.

DEAN

You're welcome.

LORELAI

So, Dean, nice meeting you. Hope to see you again.

DEAN

Yeah.

LORELAI

See that wasn't so bad.

RORY

You're right.

LORELAI

I said nothing embarrassing, nothing stupid.

RORY

I appreciate that.

LORELAI

So chill out, Supermarket Slut.

RORY

See, even a little information in your hands is dangerous.

LORELAI

I need coffee.

RORY

Mom, the video store closes in ten minutes.

LORELAI

Well you run to the video store and I'll go get coffe.

RORY

Fine.

LORELAI

Go, go, go. I'll meet you at Luke's.

DEAN

Hey, you forgot your Red Vines.

LORELAI

Oh, wow! You totally saved the night. Thanks.

DEAN

Sure.

LORELAI

Hey, what are you doing tonight?

DEAN

Me? Uh, well, I don't know.

LORELAI

Well, do you want to come over? We're ordering pizza. We've got a movie. The neighborhood's got a pool going to see who falls into a sugar coma first. I'm the favorite. It might be fun.

DEAN

Uh, well, um...uh.

LORELAI

Oh, it's totally casual. I'm sure Rory would love it.

DEAN

OK, sure.

LORELAI

Yeah?

DEAN

Yeah, what time?

LORELAI

Seven sound good?

DEAN

Sounds fine.

LORELAI

Let me give you our address.

DEAN

That's OK. I know where you live.

LORELAI

Of course you do. So see you tonight.

DEAN

Bye.

LORELAI

Bye.

LORELAI

So?

RORY

Got it!

LORELAI

Score! You know, on the one hand I'm glad it was in but on the other hand what kind of world do we live in where no one has rented Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory?

RORY

Well we rented it.

LORELAI

Well thank God for us. Oh, hey, I invited your friend.

RORY

What friend?

LORELAI

Dean.

RORY

(upset) What?

LORELAI

Yeah, I told him what we were doing tonight and he was totally into it so -- Why are you looking at me like that?

RORY

You invited Dean? To our house?

LORELAI

Yes.

RORY

Are you crazy?

LORELAI

Why are you mad?

RORY

Because we haven't even been out on a date by ourselves yet. My first date with Dean is going to be with my mother? Are -- What is wrong with you?

LORELAI

I'm sorry. I thought you would be happy about this.

RORY

In what universe would I be happy? This isn't Amish country. Girls and boys usually date alone.

LORELAI

I don't think of it as a date. I thought of it more as a hanging out kind of session.

RORY

Well I don't want our first hanging out session to be with my mother either.

LORELAI

Stop saying mother like that.

RORY

Like what?

LORELAI

Like there's supposed to be another word after it.

RORY

I can't believe you did this. I'm so humiliated.

LORELAI

You're totally overreacting. I invited him to a movie and pizza, not to Niagra Falls.

RORY

He's the boy that I like.

LORELAI

I know. I looked for one that you hated but it was really short notice.

RORY

And now he's forced to come over and sit with me and my mother and eat crap and watch a movie?

LORELAI

Well I just invited a friend of yours to hang out. What's the big deal? I mean what if Lane had done it?

RORY

You're not Lane. You're my mother. You inviting him over is like Grandma inviting a guy you liked over.

LORELAI

You're comparing me to my mother?

RORY

No, I just --

LORELAI

I'm Emily Gilmore? My, how the mighty have fallen.

RORY

I didn't mean that.

LORELAI

I wasn't trying to humiliate you.

RORY

I know.

LORELAI

If I was Emily Gilmore I'd be trying to humiliate you.

RORY

I just --

LORELAI

Look, I'm sorry, OK? I screwed up. I was trying to -- Look, I'll go, I'll uninvite him. I'll tell him that it's cancelled on account of I just found out I'm my mother and I have to go into intensive therapy right now.

RORY

No, you can't uninvite him. He'll think I totally wigged out or something.

LORELAI

Well then I'll just disappear and you guys can be alone.

RORY

Oh, and have it look like my mom arranged a date for me? No!

LORELAI

What do we do?

RORY

He has to come.

LORELAI

It won't be so bad, OK? Just pizza and a movie and hanging out. I promise you won't feel like your mother is there.

RORY

OK.

LORELAI

OK. You might, however, feel like my mother is there.

RORY

Oh, boy.

LORELAI

Well...

LORELAI

Hey. This is good. Add some cold cream and some curlers and let him know what he'll be coming home to every night.

RORY

This was supposed to be a simple night. Watch movie, eat junk, go to bed feeling sick. End of story. Now I'm supposed to look pretty and girly, which is completely impossible because I'm gross and I have nothing to wear.

LORELAI

Do you want some help?

RORY

No...yes.

LORELAI

OK. Uh...let's see. We'll do this and...

LORELAI

All right This says 'hello, I'm hip and cute but also relaxed since this is something I just threw on even though it looks fantastic on me.'

RORY

How'd you do that?

LORELAI

What?

RORY

I've been staring at that top for twenty minutes. It was just a top. You walked in and in three seconds, it's an outfit.

LORELAI

It comes from years of experiencing fashion brain freeze like the one you just had.

RORY

How do you do it?

LORELAI

What?

RORY

This whole guy thing. I mean I've watched you when you talk to a man. You have a comeback for everything, you make him laugh, you smile right --

LORELAI

I smile right?

RORY

And then you do the little hair flip.

LORELAI

Oh, twirl. It's a hair twirl.

RORY

And then you walk away and he just stands there, amazed, like he can't believe what just happened.

LORELAI

That's because I just stole his wallet.

RORY

I'll never be able to do that. Trig, I can do. But boys and dating? Forget it. I'm a total spaz.

LORELAI

Listen, the talking part, you just get used to. The hair twirl I can teach you. And the leaving him amazed part -- with your brain and killer blue eyes I'm not worried. You'll do fine. Just give yourself a little time to get there.

RORY

Is half an hour enough?

LORELAI

Plenty. Come on. Dab on some lip gloss, clear but fruity. Maybe a little mascara. Wear your hair down and your attitude high.

RORY

You're like a crazy Elsa Klensch.

LORELAI

Oh, thank you! Come on now, hustle. We got a man coming over.

RORY

What time did you tell him to get here?

LORELAI

Seven.

RORY

Maybe something happened. Maybe he's not coming.

LORELAI

Maybe he's just late, Miss German train.

LORELAI

Oops.

RORY

What?

BABETTE

There used be a great club there called -- what was it called baby?

MOREY

Uh...Mr. Kelly's.

BABETTE

Oh, yeah--Mr. Kelly's. You ever go there?

RORY

They've got Dean.

LORELAI

Wait here.

BABETTE

So, Dean, you like jazz?

DEAN

Sure, yeah.

LORELAI

Oh, he sure does. That's all we ever hear about, right?. Jazz, jazz. Jazz, jazz, jazz. Hey.

BABETTE

Hey, sugar. We were just getting to know your young man, here.

LORELAI

Yeah, I see that. So, Dean, um, would you mind going inside and helping Rory out? There's a struggle with a pickle jar lid that I think she's about to lose.

DEAN

Oh, sure, yeah.

BABETTE

Oh it was nice talking to you, Dean.

DEAN

Yeah, you too.

MOREY

Stay cool, kid.

DEAN

I will.

BABETTE

Oh, he's so cute.

LORELAI

Yeah.

BABETTE

And that Chuck Heston chin of his. Is he Rory's boyfriend?

LORELAI

No, they're just friends.

BABETTE

That's not what I heard. Kissing at the market. Gives a whole new meaning to tasting day.

LORELAI

OK. I got to get back inside and shower. So I'll talk to you guys later.

BABETTE

Yeah, have a good evening. And don't forget to invite us to the wedding. Oh won't their kids be gorgeous!

LORELAI

Oh. God I hope not.

DEAN

I'm sorry I'm late. I got here like a half hour ago.

RORY

We believe you.

LORELAI

We'd believe you if you said you got here three hours ago.

LORELAI

So, Dean, how do you like it here in Stars Hollow?

DEAN

I like it. It's quiet, but nice. I like all the trees everywhere.

LORELAI

Yeah, the trees are something. When Rory was little, she found out that one was called a Weeping Willow so she spent hours trying to cheer it up. You know, like telling it jokes and -- No, I'm sorry that was me. (silence) Would you like a tour of the house?

DEAN

OK.

LORELAI

OK. So this is the living room where we do our living and, um, upstairs is my room and the good bathroom. And the...kitchen is right through here. You ever heard a fridge yodel before?

RORY

(whispers) Thank you.

LORELAI

(whispers) You're welcome. (normal voice) Well you have your basics: microwave for popcorn, stove for storing shoes, refrigerator, which is completely worthless.

DEAN

Interesting.

LORELAI

Oh, I'll get that. Rory, you take over as tour guide. Make sure and show him the emergency exits.

RORY

That's my mom.

DEAN

She's got energy.

RORY

Yeah well she's 90% water, 10% caffeine.

DEAN

So what's in there?

RORY

Um, that's my room.

DEAN

Really? Can I see it?

DEAN

Wow. Very clean. How much does it suck that they use 'Pink Moon' in a Volkswagen commercial?

RORY

Oh, I know.

DEAN

So you gonna come in?

RORY

Oh, no. I've seen it.

DEAN

I mean you look like you're glued to the door there.

RORY

No -- I'm just, uh, observing my room from a new perspective. You know, I hardly ever stand here. It's really making me rethink my throw pillows.

DEAN

Would you like me to get out of here?

RORY

No, I'm fine with you looking around.

DEAN

Nice chicken

RORY

Or, you know, at least I was.

LORELAI

We do not need dessert, Sookie.

SOOKIE

Oh, everybody needs dessert. So, where is Rory?

LORELAI

With Dean.

SOOKIE

Dean? Oh, that's right, yeah, Dean is here.

LORELAI

Yeah, right. OK. You need to go now.

SOOKIE

Please. I just want one little peek.

LORELAI

No.

SOOKIE

(stalling) OK, fine, so, uh, how are you? How are you doing? How you doing? Are you --

LORELAI

Sookie.

SOOKIE

I'm concerned.

LORELAI

You're stalling.

SOOKIE

Am I?

LORELAI

Sookie.

JOE

Hey, Lorelai.

LORELAI

Hey, Joe. What do I owe ya?

JOE

Fifteen even.

LORELAI

OK. How are you doing?

JOE

Awesome.

SOOKIE

What did you get on your pizza? Did you ask for extra sauce? Because I always ask for extra sauce because sometimes --

LORELAI

Sookie, she's already freaked out that I invited him here. If she thinks I'm parading him around in front of all my friends, she'll kill me.

SOOKIE

But I just --

LORELAI

Death, bloody and slow, OK?

RORY

(from her room) Mom, is that the pizza?

LORELAI

Yeah. (to Sookie) OK, bye. Now go.

SOOKIE

Bu I just wanted --

LORELAI

No. Bye.

SOOKIE

Bye-bye.

LORELAI

So are you hungry?

DEAN

Starving.

RORY

Where's the pizza?

LORELAI

The pizza's, uh --

SOOKIE

Pizza!

SOOKIE

Just bringing in the pizza. Hi, I'm Sookie. I'm a friend of Lorela's.

DEAN

Hi.

SOOKIE

Hi. Nice to meet you, Dean. I mean, not that I knew you were Dean. But you do look like a Dean. Doesn't he look like a Dean?

LORELAI

Yeah. Of all the people in this room he looks most like a Dean. Bye Sookie. Have fun!

SOOKIE

OK.

DEAN

Here, um, I'll take that.

LORELAI

Oh, thanks. Great. The coffee table's fine.

LORELAI

(whispers) I did not invite her here.

RORY

(whispers) Why didn't you just set up a camera and broadcast it over the internet?

LORELAI

(whispers) Because I don't think that big.

DEAN

Thank God there's good pizza here.

LORELAI

Oh, yeah. Now we didn't know what kind you liked so we just got everything.

DEAN

Everything is fine.

LORELAI

Good, well, while it's hot.

LORELAI

Who needs more?

RORY

I do.

DEAN

Wow. You can eat.

RORY

Yes I can. Oh that's bad isn't it?

DEAN

No, uh, most girls don't eat. It's good you eat.

LORELAI

I'm all for it.

RORY

Let's talk about something besides my eating habits, shall we?

LORELAI

Oooh -- Oompa Loompas!

RORY

My mom has a thing for the Oompa Loompas.

LORELAI

I don't think finding them amusing constitutes a thing.

RORY

No, but having a recurring dream about marrying one does.

LORELAI

Don't even get me started on your Prince Charming crush, OK? At least my obsessions are alive. You have a thing for a cartoon.

DEAN

Ooh, Prince Charming, huh?

RORY

It was a long time ago. And not the Cinderella one, the Sleeping Beauty one.

DEAN

'Cause he could dance.

RORY

Yeah.

DEAN

I've got sisters.

LORELAI

So, come on, Dean, tell us some of your embarrassing secrets.

DEAN

Well, I have no embarrassing secrets.

LORELAI

Oh, please.

RORY

I bet I know one.

DEAN

What?

RORY

The theme from Ice Castles makes you cry.

LORELAI

Oh, that's a good one.

DEAN

That's not true.

LORELAI

Oh I've got one. At the end of The Way We Were, you wanted Robert Redford to dump his wife and kid for Barbra Streisand.

DEAN

I've never seen The Way We Were.

LORELAI

Oh!

RORY

Are you kidding?

LORELAI

What are you waiting for? Heartache, laughter --

RORY

Communism.

LORELAI

All in one neat package.

DEAN

I'll have to experience that sometime.

LORELAI

Next movie night.

RORY

It's a plan.

LORELAI

I'll get the popcorn.

RORY

Bring in the spray cheese.

DEAN

So, uh, at what point does the outsider get to suggest a movie for movie night?

RORY

That depends. What movie are you thinking of?

DEAN

I don't know...Boogie Nights, maybe.

RORY

You'll never get that past Lorelai.

DEAN

Not a Marky Mark fan?

RORY

She had a bad reaction to Magnolia. She sat there screaming for three hours 'I want my life back!' and then we got kicked out of the theater. It was actually a pretty entertaining day.

DEAN

Yeah?

RORY

Yeah.

DEAN

I guess I'll have to come up with a different movie then.

RORY

I guess you will.

DEAN

That Oompa Loompa -- right there. You know when he's dancing?

RORY

Thank you.

DEAN

Hey.

RORY

I'll be right back.

RORY

Mom!

LORELAI

What?

RORY

What are you doing in here?

LORELAI

Trying to find the best bathing suit for my bust size.

RORY

Well get back in there!

LORELAI

Why? What happened? Did the bag boy try something?

RORY

He's sitting in there and he's watching the movie and he's perfect and he smells really good.

LORELAI

What?

RORY

He smells really good and he looks amazing and I am stupid. I said 'thank you.'

LORELAI

Whoa, whoa, whoa. You said 'thank you?'

RORY

When he kissed me.

LORELAI

He kissed you again? What is he just out of prison or something?

RORY

No, not now. Yesterday. At the store.

LORELAI

Oh, all right. Strike the prison comment. He kissed you and you said 'thank you?'

RORY

Yes.

LORELAI

Well that was very polite.

RORY

No, it was stupid. And I don't know what I'm doing here. You're sitting in the kitchen. What kind of chaperone are you?

LORELAI

Me? I'm not trying to be a chaperone. I'm trying to be a girlfriend.

RORY

Well switch gears, 'cause I'm freaking out here!

LORELAI

You really like him, don't you?

RORY

Yeah.

LOREAI

Well, OK, then. Just calm down.

RORY

I just don't want to do or say anything else that's gonna be remotely moronic.

LORELAI

I'm afraid once your heart is involved it all comes out in Moron.

RORY

Just please come back in.

LORELAI

OK. Let's go then.

RORY

Wait we can't go back in together though because that would be too obvious.

LORELAI

All right. OK. I'll go in first and you go to the bathroom.

RORY

OK. Good. Tell him I had to wash my face.

LORELAI

Yes. 'Cause of all the sugar you ate.

RORY

Yes! Good. Very good.

LORELAI

OK.

LORELAI

Hi. I'm back. Rory went to wash her face.

DEAN

Oh, OK.

LORELAI

Dean. I don't know exactly how to say this, but, um, this is a very different kind of household you walked into tonight.

DEAN

Yeah, I know.

LORELAI

See...Rory is my daughter.

DEAN

(rolling his eyes) Ah...here comes the talk.

LORELAI

How about I talk, you listen? Rory is a smart kid. She's never been much for guys so the fact that she likes you means a lot. I don't believe she'd waste her time with some loser.

DEAN

But you're watching me.

LORELAI

Sweetheart, the whole town is watching you. That girl in there is beloved around here. You hurt her, there's not a safe place within a hundred miles for you to hide. This is a very small, weird place you've moved to.

DEAN

I've noticed.

LORELAI

So just know all eyes are on you.

DEAN

Anything else?

LORELAI

She's not going on your motorcycle.

DEAN

I don't have a motorcycle.

LORELAI

She's not going on your motorcycle.

DEAN

Fine, she won't go on my motorcycle.

LORELAI

Curfew will be enforced. You will not detract from her schoolwork, and you're going to start handling those lemons better.

DEAN

What?

LORELAI

Don't interrupt me when I'm speaking. I reserve the right to change, alter, tweak, or add to this list of rules at any given time without any written notice. Am I clear?

DEAN

You're clear.

LORELAI

Good.

DEAN

My turn to speak?

LORELAI

Fine, go ahead.

DEAN

You can lay on all the rules you want and you can have the whole town spy on me and stare at me and chase me through the streets --

LORELAI

Oh I like the chase you through the streets idea.

DEAN

But I'm not going anywhere.

LORELAI

Well it's gonna be a short chase then isn't it?

DEAN

I need you not to hate me. If you hate me then I don't have a shot in hell with Rory.

LORELAI

Rory has her own mind.

DEAN

Yeah but you're her best friend and what you think means everything to her and you know that.

LORELAI

I wanna like you. 'Cause Rory likes you.

DEAN

But you don't.

LORELAI

I want to and I usually get what I want.

DEAN

Fair enough.

DEAN

She's taking a long time on her face.

LORELAI

Yeah, well, Rory's a perfectionist.

DEAN

Tell your mom thanks for inviting me.

RORY

I'm sorry if this was totally weird. I mean with my mom inviting you over and --

DEAN

Hey, no, it was good. Really.

RORY

Really?

DEAN

Yeah.

DEAN

Thank you.

LORELAI

So that went well.

RORY

Yeah, not bad.

LORELAI

Did I humiliate you?

RORY

I don't know. What did you say to him when I went to the bathroom?

LORELAI

That you're pretty.

RORY

Liar.

LORELAI

Yeah...well.

RORY

I'm gonna go to bed.

RORY

Mom, what's the matter?

LORELAI

Nothing.

RORY

Yes there is. Come on, tell me.

LORELAI

Nothing. I just really wanted you to tell me about that kiss.

RORY

I'm so sorry. I really wanted to, I swear. I just got scared and --

LORELAI

I know. I'm not mad. I just wanted to hear about it. That's all. It's no big deal. It's OK, I'm fine. It's one too many Caramello bars. I'm sorry. You have school, I have work, so time for bed.

RORY

OK. Night.

LORELAI

OK, night, hon.

RORY

Mom?

LORELAI

Hmm?

RORY

I know this is lame and totally after the fact but --

LORELAI

Start from the beginning and you leave anything out you die! Where were you?

RORY

OK, I was in the aisle where the ant spray is.

LORELAI

That's a good aisle.

RORY

I know, that's what Lane said too. But anyway, so he was working and I go into the store and I sort of walked around and was pretending to shop...