T2E1: “Sadie, Sadie”

RORY

You should get married in Italy.

LORELAI

All the way from home, same topic. There's tons of stuff going on in the world. Big stuff.

RORY

Like?

LORELAI

Balkans.

RORY

That was ages ago. Read a paper.

LORELAI

Ugh. They make my hands black.

RORY

Oh! You should walk down the aisle to Frank Sinatra with a huge bouquet of something that smells really good.

LORELAI

Pot Roast.

RORY

And you should wear a long veil with your hair up.

LORELAI

Ugh, I'll take any other subject in the world for two hundred Alex.

RORY

Why don't you want to think about this?

LORELAI

Because I haven't made my mind up about the yes or no part, so I don't want to start fantasizing about dresses and flowers or doves and tulle until I do, so please change the subject.

RORY

I think the bridesmaids should be able to pick their own dresses.

LORELAI

You know how on All in the Family when Edith would be yapping about something and Archie would pretend to make a noose and hang himself or shoot himself in the head?

RORY

Yeah?

LORELAI

I don't know. Something about this moment just made me think of that.

RORY

Fine, I'm done. I'm taking these to Lane.

LORELAI

Okay. Meet me at Luke's.

RORY

Oh, get me a paper please.

LORELAI

But my hands!

MRS. KIM

No!

LANE

A time frame?

MRS. KIM

No, no more talking.

LANE

But Mama, please just tell me!

MRS. KIM

It's not for you to think about. All under control.

LANE

Just give me a hint.

MRS. KIM

Children will know what their parents think they can handle.

LANE

I'm sorry, was that the hint?

MRS. KIM

I have to work. [walks away]

RORY

Hey, I came to bring you some of my mom's flowers.

LANE

Thanks.

RORY

Are you okay?

LANE

No, I'm not okay.

RORY

What's wrong? Did she find your CD burner?

LANE

My mother and father are sending me to Korea for the summer to visit my cousins.

RORY

So?

LANE

They're sending me to Korea and they won't tell me when I'm coming back.

RORY

What do you mean they won't tell you when you're coming back?

LANE

I mean, they bought me a one way ticket. One way! The plane goes there and stops!

RORY

Are you sure?

LANE

I called the airline to confirm it, and my parents were in their room whispering all morning. And when my mother came out, she looked very happy. She was humming. I swear, they're planning to send me Korea for the rest of my life.

RORY

Lane, come on.

LANE

It's gonna be just like that Sally Field movie when her husband took them to Iran and wouldn't let them come back, except that I won't have to keep my head covered.

RORY

Okay, calm down.

LANE

Calm down? Are you listening? I am being shipped off to Korea!

RORY

Yes, I think you're freaking out a little prematurely.

LANE

Oh really?

RORY

Yes, I mean, let's think about this. Maybe there's some deal with the airline and that's why the ticket's one way. Or maybe they haven't worked out the plans with your cousins yet. Or there's a weather consideration or a holiday you don't know about or. . .Wow, I'm really gonna miss you.

MRS. KIM

[calls] Lane, come here please!

LANE

I have to go. You've been a good friend.

LORELAI

Hey Bootsy.

BOOTSY

So, apparently they shoot a gland from a pig's head in Ivana Trump's read end twice a month to keep her looking young.

LORELAI

Wow, hope she's not Kosher.

BOOTSY

I don't know, doesn't say here.

BOOTSY

Hey.

LORELAI

[startled] Hey, what, nothing, what. . .pas?

BOOTSY

You a Leo?

LORELAI

No.

BOOTSY

Thank God. Those guys are screwed this week.

RORY

What'cha reading?

LORELAI

Oh God, do not sneak up on a person like that.

RORY

InStyle Weddings. Very interesting.

LORELAI

No, not very interesting.

RORY

Get any ideas?

LORELAI

Yes, we should have cake more often.

RORY

Hey Bootsy, I'll take this.

LORELAI

Oh, no. I just. . .don't. . .

BOOTSY

It's six bucks.

MISS PATTY

Lorelai!

LORELAI

Oh geez.

MISS PATTY

So...

LORELAI

Hi Patty.

MISS PATTY

InStyle Weddings! You said yes!

LORELAI

Oh no, not yet!

MISS PATTY

Yet! She said yet!

RORY

I know!

LORELAI

I'm right here.

MISS PATTY

He's a good man?

LORELAI

Oh yeah, he's a great man.

MISS PATTY

Oh I love this! I just love this! Have you told Luke?

LORELAI

Well, no, it just happened last night. Oh Patty, stop it. I'll tell him. It's not that big a deal if he just finds out.

MISS PATTY

Well, whatever you say.

LORELAI

Well, uh, it just so happens we are on our way over there now to have some breakfast, and I'll tell Luke them.

MISS PATTY

Be gentle.

LORELAI

Patty, me and Luke are just friends.

MISS PATTY

Just friends. Yes, yes, I know.

LORELAI

It's true.

RORY

Okay lets go.

LORELAI

Well it is.

RORY

I know.

LORELAI

What is with this place? Why will nobody believe me?

RORY

They believe you.

LORELAI

No they don't.

RORY

I promise they believe you.

LORELAI

You are pacifying me.

RORY

Just a little.

LORELAI

Well, I don't like it

RORY

I'll see if I can stop.

LORELAI

I can't wait for the movie theater to reopen.

LORELAI

Hmm. Let's see, what looks good. I'm so unbelievably hungry I'm gonna have to order breakfast and lunch, crazy huh?

RORY

Mom, go tell him.

LORELAI

I will.

RORY

Now.

LORELAI

Why?

RORY

Because in five minutes somebody's about to be pushed through that window.

LORELAI

This is crazy. Why is everybody making such a big deal about this?

RORY

Because everyone knows that Luke has a thing for you.

LORELAI

Luke does not have a thing for me.

RORY

Tell him.

LORELAI

Uh, we can barely get through a single conversation without biting each other's heads off.

RORY

Tell him.

LORELAI

Everything about me repulses that man. My coffee drinking, my eating habits. Remember when I called him Ranger Bob last week, he hated that!

RORY

Will you get me a muffin when you're up there?

LORELAI

Okay. God. Fine. [walks over to Luke at the counter] Hey.

LUKE

Fresh coffee will be ready in a minute unless you wanna just roll up a dollar bill and go nuts.

LORELAI

No thanks, I can wait.

LUKE

[sees the people in the window] What the hell's going on with them?

LORELAI

Oh, I don't know.

LUKE

Crazy people. Whole town should be medicated and put in a rec room with ping pong tables and hand puppets. What?

LORELAI

Nothing. I. . . well, I have something to tell you. No I have something to share with you actually.

LUKE

To share with me.

LORELAI

Yes, 'cause when exciting things happen in your life, you want to share them with the people in your life who you think will find them exciting, which I think you will.

LUKE

What is it?

LORELAI

Well, it's very. . .

LUKE

Exciting, I've heard. I'm all prepared to jump up and down if necessary.

LORELAI

Okay, here it is. Um, Max has asked me to marry him.

LUKE

Yeah, I figured.

LORELAI

You did?

LUKE

Well, it was obvious. You know, you too were getting kind of close. He was around a lot. Then last night with that life changing thing comment, you know, I put two and two together and figured it out.

LORELAI

Oh.

LUKE

Congratulations by the way.

LORELAI

Thank you.

LUKE

You set a date?

LORELAI

No, I haven't answered him yet.

LUKE

You're gonna say yes.

LORELAI

How do you know?

LUKE

Well, you're making a big deal about telling me he proposed.

LORELAI

Uh, I don't think I'm making a big deal.

LUKE

And you wouldn't do that if you weren't gonna say yes.

LORELAI

Okay, I'm sharing something with you. Sharing is not making a big deal, sharing is a nice gesture. Like when you're a kid and you have one of those popsicles and you break it in two and offer half to another kid. That is sharing, that is what I'm doing.

LUKE

You offered me half a popsicle?

LORELAI

Yes. Okay, so now you know.

LUKE

Now I know.

LORELAI

Uh, I guess I'll just have two blueberry muffins and some coffee.

LUKE

Coming right up.

LORELAI

Okay.

LUKE

You know, I think it's good you're doing this.

LORELAI

You do? Good, me too. I mean, not that I'm definitely doing it, but if I do, then it'll be good.

LUKE

Where you gonna live?

LORELAI

What?

LUKE

Here? Hartford?

LORELAI

Here. I don't know, we haven't talked about it actually.

LUKE

Hartford's probably good, closer to Rory's school.

LORELAI

Oh, yeah, I guess.

LUKE

Of course, it is a little far from the inn.

LORELAI

Uh, yeah.

LUKE

But who knows how long you'll work after you're married.

LORELAI

Excuse me?

LUKE

Oh, but you probably already talked about that, right?

LORELAI

Uh, no, but I do think he and my father have come to an agreement on how many goats I'm worth.

LUKE

Hey, I'm just talking here. It's great, really. You gonna have more kids?

LORELAI

Hi, personal.

LUKE

I mean, he wants kids right?

LORELAI

In the world? Yes, he wants kids.

LUKE

You haven't talked about that either.

LORELAI

Okay, you know, what we have and have not discussed is none of your business.

LUKE

Joint checking accounts?

LORELAI

Luke!

LUKE

You do know his last name don't you?

LORELAI

I want my popsicle back.

LUKE

Fine, it's your business.

LORELAI

Yes it is. It's my business.

LUKE

Hey, some people go their entire lives without having these kinds of conversations. My parents didn't discuss a damn thing my entire childhood. Worked fine for them. Of course, when my mom died she had to tell my dad where the coupon drawer was. Took him ten years to find it. Used a coffee can the whole time.

LORELAI

Okay.

LUKE

I don't care what anybody says, a coupon can is not as good as a coupon drawer.

LORELAI

How are those muffins coming?

LUKE

But you know what, you might like a coupon can. You never know. Here you go. Two blueberry muffins.

LORELAI

Thank you.

LUKE

And congratulations again.

LORELAI

Now what's going on?

RORY

Kirk passed out.

LORELAI

Here's your muffin.

RORY

Thanks. How'd he take it?

LORELAI

Fine, he took it fine.

RORY

Are you okay?

LORELAI

Fine, I'm just tied to the emergency break.

RORY

How did you do that?

LORELAI

With a flourish and a big ending. Okay, I got it. Let's go. Oh, my coat.

RORY

It's pretty warm out for a coat.

LORELAI

Yeah, well, it tends to cool off the minute I get in that house.

RORY

You good?

LORELAI

I'm good. My keys.

RORY

Mom.

LORELAI

They're in the ignition. Okay, I got 'em. Let's go.

RORY

What is wrong with you?

LORELAI

Nothing.

RORY

You got lost coming here.

LORELAI

I took a wrong turn.

RORY

Six times.

LORELAI

Well, my self preservational instincts at work ladies and gentlemen.

RORY

And then the coat and the keys and the . . .

LORELAI

I got stuff on my mind.

RORY

Max stuff?

LORELAI

No, stuff stuff.

RORY

You're lying.

LORELAI

I'm being mysterious. That's what women do.

RORY

Mom.

LORELAI

Oh look, doorbell. Pretty sound.

RORY

You know, you always make me tell you what I'm thinking.

LORELAI

Yes, and the lesson we have learned from that is you should never become a spy.

EMILY

You're here. Richard, they're here.

RICHARD

[from another room] Wonderful!

EMILY

Come in, come in, come in.

LORELAI

Uh, no.

EMILY

Why?

LORELAI

Because you're scaring Rory.

EMILY

Oh stop that. Get in here. Scaring Rory, you're so silly sometimes. Let's get you a drink. Put your coat down. Oh, and are you hungry? I had Antonia make some Roqueford puffs. Antonia, bring the puffs! Come, sit down, sit down. Richard!

RICHARD

Say nothing until I get there.

EMILY

Well, hurry up!

LORELAI

Mom, what's going on? Ooh, the nails, the nails, the nails.

EMILY

So, tell me what's new with you girls.

LORELAI

Uh, nothing.

RORY

Hey Grandma, what about you? Did something special happen?

EMILY

Well, as a matter of fact. Oh for goodness sake. Richard, dammit!

LORELAI

Mom, why don't you just tell us what's happening now?

EMILY

Oh, all right. I can't wait for your grandfather any longer. Well, you know I'm very good friends with Bitty Charleston, the headmaster's wife.

LORELAI

Mm Hmm.

EMILY

Well, we had this little arrangement where she keeps me aprised of all the goings on at Chilton. You know, she tells me all the gossip on the students and their parents, and any piece of information I might find useful. Well, this afternoon she called to tell me the class list just came out, and Rory has finished in the top three percent!

LORELAI

I know.

EMILY

You do? Well, who do you know at Chilton?

LORELAI

Um, Rory.

EMILY

Oh.

RORY

It wasn't definite, but I had a pretty good idea.

RICHARD

Rory, wonderful news. You finished in the top three percent of your class.

LORELAI

Oh yeah, Dad, J. Edgar Hoover over here was just telling us.

RICHARD

What? I told you not to say anything before I got here.

EMILY

Well, you took too long.

LORELAI

No, no, we already knew.

RICHARD

It's a simple request.

EMILY

Just hang up the phone.

LORELAI

Okay, good news either way. Let's all agree on that.

RICHARD

I am immensely proud of you Rory.

EMILY

Yes, we knew you could do it.

RICHARD

Oh, we certainly did.

EMILY

We have to celebrate. Next week we will have a special dinner.

RORY

Grandma, all of your dinners are special.

EMILY

Well, this one will be extra special. We'll make all your favorite foods, and you can invite some of your friends.

RICHARD

There's an excellent chance that presents might be involved.

RORY

You guys do not have to do this.

RICHARD

For the top three percent?

EMILY

We most certainly do.

RICHARD

You start late, have to catch up, and by the end of the year, you've overtaken everyone. A true Gilmore.

EMILY

Through and through.

ANTONIA

Dinner is ready.

EMILY

Thank you Antonia. Shall we?

RICHARD

Ah ah ah ah, after the top 3 percent in her class.

RORY

Well, thank you very much.

LORELAI

Uh, just go ahead and Start without me. I gotta check in at the inn. Michel's there by himself, people could die.

EMILY

Well, hurry up.

MAX

Hello?

LORELAI

Where are we gonna live?

MAX

Lorelai?

LORELAI

Where are we gonna live?

MAX

Well, I. . .

LORELAI

Your house, my house?

MAX

I don't know.

LORELAI

I mean, we should figure this stuff out. I have a life and a kid, and both of them require a house of some sort.

MAX

Okay, but. . .

LORELAI

And I have stuff. I have a lot of stuff. You haven't seen my closet yet, but you would not believe the amount of stuff one person can accumulate. I don't even know what this stuff is, but it's there and it's mine and it needs a place to live.

MAX

Well. . .

LORELAI

And I want to work.

MAX

What?

LORELAI

And I like my bank.

MAX

Okay hold on.

LORELAI

It's small and the teller's name is Margie and she can't count. And I think there's something so poetic about banking at a place where the teller can't count.

MAX

Lorelai.

LORELAI

What?

MAX

Calm down. Talk to me.

LORELAI

It's just. . . . If I die, I want you to know where the coupon drawer is.

MAX

Well, I would like that too. I think.

LORELAI

Well, we need to figure these things out before. . .

MAX

Before what? Are you saying yes?

LORELAI

What?

MAX

Are you saying yes?

LORELAI

Why are you asking me that?

MAX

Because you call me, out of the blue, completely panicked about where we're gonna live and bank and coupon drawers and Margie.

LORELAI

Well, these are important things to discuss.

MAX

I agree. They're extremely important things to discuss, especially if you're saying yes. Are you?

EMILY

I am extremely thrilled about this. Do you think you'll get a certificate?

RORY

I'm not sure.

EMILY

Well, they certainly should give you a certificate or a plaque or something. I'll talk to Bitty about that tomorrow.

RICHARD

I can't wait to tell Tellman McCabe about this.

EMILY

Oh Richard.

RICHARD

Oh, he's always bragging about that simpleton grandson of his.

EMILY

William is a lovely boy.

RICHARD

His head is shaped like a football.

EMILY

It is not.

RICHARD

If he fell asleep in the park, someone would try to punt him.

EMILY

Tellman is a very dear friend of yours.

RICHARD

Yes he is. And one should always share wonderful news with one's very good friends.

EMILY

You just want to brag.

RICHARD

Well, I think I have a right, don't you?

EMILY

Well goodness, you'd think you were the one who finished in the top three percent of your class.

RICHARD

Well it was my genes, I get to claim a little responsibility.

RICHARD

Oh!

EMILY

Goodness.

RICHARD

I just spilled on my shirt. What are you doing? What are they doing Emily?

EMILY

I have no idea. Stop that you too!

LORELAI

Sorry.

RORY

Yeah sorry.

EMILY

What is going on?

LORELAI

Uh, I'm just really jazzed about this whole three percent thing.

RORY

Yeah, really really jazzed.

LORELAI

Yeah. [more screaming and hugging]

EMILY

Don't even try to understand Richard. Antonia, please bring some club soda for Mr. Gilmore's shirt.

SOOKIE

Carlito, we're running out of clarified butter. Ooh, chop that finer. No hard boiling. Yo profiero tener los huevos suave. Ooh, that looks good. Add a little pinch of oregano, I think we've got it.

DELIVERY MAN

Okay, I got your lobsters.

SOOKIE

Yeah? Are they good? Ooh, they look good. Yes they do. Ow! It's got my hand. It's got my hand. Thanks. Okay, I'll be fine, I'll be fine. I'm a good cotter, don't worry. You are fresh, aren't you? Okay, in the back, in the back, in the back. Michel, I'm gonna need you to move.

MICHEL

In a minute.

SOOKIE

What are you doing?

MICHEL

I am weighing my turkey.

SOOKIE

Why?

MICHEL

A group of scientists did a study on rats where they cut their daily calories by thirty percent.

SOOKIE

And you felt left out?

MICHEL

No, the rats lived thirty percent longer. And the scientists were so impressed that they cut their own calories just like the rats.

SOOKIE

That was a very nice display of solidarity.

MICHEL

I have decided to do the same. I figure if I stay alive long enough, these scientists, they will be able to cure anything including death, therefore ensuring my indefinite existence.

SOOKIE

So you're gonna live forever, like on Fame?

MICHEL

Don't speak to me.

SOOKIE

Give me back my scale.

LORELAI

Hey. I have an announcement to make, and it's big and it's fabulous and you are not gonna believe it.

MICHEL

Goodbye.

LORELAI

Wait, I got news.

MICHEL

Oh, well I'm sure it's very exciting. Excuse me.

LORELAI

But. . . What's with the turkey?

SOOKIE

Oh, Michel thinks he's gonna live forever.

LORELAI

Like on Fame?

SOOKIE

That's what I said!

MICHEL

Hmm, a hundred years from now I will sit around telling my fellow man of science about the two of you and we will giggle like little girls at your ignorance. Now I have work to do. [Michel leaves]

LORELAI

He did say "giggle like little girls" right?

SOOKIE

Forget him. Tell me about your fabulous news.

LORELAI

I'm engaged.

SOOKIE

What?

LORELAI

I'm getting married.

SOOKIE

No!

LORELAI

Yes!

SOOKIE

No!

LORELAI

Yes!

SOOKIE

No!

LORELAI

Yes!

SOOKIE

No!

LORELAI

No?

SOOKIE

What?

LORELAI

Sookie!

SOOKIE

God, this is amazing! Oh my God, I'm shaking! Max is a wonderful man. It is Max, right?

LORELAI

Yes, it is Max.

SOOKIE

Okay, good good good. Oh, I knew it. I knew you'd get engaged.

LORELAI

Really? God, I didn't.

SOOKIE

You're gonna be a sadie.

LORELAI

A what?

SOOKIE

A sadie. [sings] "Sadie, sadie, married lady. Meet a mortgagee."

LORELAI

Funny Girl!

SOOKIE

Streisand!

LORELAI

Love it!

SOOKIE

Who's catering?

LORELAI

Um, Bobby Flay?

SOOKIE

Not funny. I'm making the cake also.

LORELAI

Absolutely.

SOOKIE

Okay, let's start a menu. Something light and romantic to start with. Something that will go wonderful with champagne. Truffles go wonderful with champagne. And scrambled eggs. [starts to cry]

LORELAI

Sookie? Honey?

SOOKIE

I know scrambled eggs don't sound very festive, but when you put them in a little quail's egg shell and you put cavier on top, they are quite a crowd pleaser.

LORELAI

Hey, what's with the waterworks lady?

SOOKIE

It's just. . .I don't know. You raised that little girl all alone, and she is so great, and you work your butt off here and you go to school and you put up with me.

LORELAI

Aww, honey.

SOOKIE

You just really deserve this.

LORELAI

Thank you.

JACKSON

Prepare yourself for the most gorgeous brussel sprouts ever. Sookie, are you okay? Are you hurt? Have you been making cutlets again?

SOOKIE

Lorelai's getting married! Married! Uh, I love saying that! Married, married, married!

JACKSON

Oh, that's great. Congratulations.

LORELAI

Thanks Jackson.

JACKSON

Uh, hey, do you wanna look at the brussel sprouts?

SOOKIE

Yes, I do. [giggles] No. Ooh, what about some nice brussel sprouts with like a garlic olive oil for the wedding? That sounds like a 'til death do us part' kind of side dish, doesn't it?

JACKSON

Yeah, I wouldn't know.

SOOKIE

Well, what do you think is the most romantic vegetable?

JACKSON

You know, I'm the wrong guy to ask.

SOOKIE

You're the vegetable guy.

JACKSON

Yeah, but the normal vegetable guy, not the romantic vegetable guy. I mean, I would have no idea what an appropriate vegetable would be to serve at a wedding. I've never even been to a wedding. One, my cousin BonBon. Yes, that's his real name. And I didn't stay long, and I didn't notice the vegetables, so I would not be the guy to ask about wedding vegetables. I'm not the wedding vegetable guy! [leaves]

LORELAI

Uh oh. Jackson's got panicked "my girlfriend wants me to get married" face on.

SOOKIE

Yup. Hey, next time he's here, tell him that you're pregnant.

LORELAI

With twins.

SOOKIE

Why not?

RORY

Okay, so what's the latest?

LANE

I just got off the phone with the American consulate.

RORY

And?

LANE

Can you say Hyung-hyung?

RORY

No, and what is that?

LANE

My Korean name.

RORY

There must be something you can do.

LANE

I'm a minor. I've been put in the custody of family by my parents. That's it, it's over.

RORY

You have to at least try to talk to your family.

LANE

I don't know.

MRS. KIM

[calls from downstairs] Dinner!

LANE

I have to go. Last meal.

RORY

Call me later.

MRS. KIM

[calls] Lanie!

LANE

Coming Mama!

LORELAI

Do you want tater tots also?

RORY

That's a rhetorical question right?

LORELAI

Okay.

RORY

So, what kind of dress are you thinking of?

LORELAI

Um, the one Stephanie Seymour wore in the Guns N' Roses video.

RORY

What about colors? Did you pick your colors yet?

LORELAI

Yes.

RORY

Really? What?

LORELAI

Spumoni.

RORY

Okay, I am planning this wedding without you. You will have no say and I may not even let you come.

LORELAI

Uh!

RORY

Hello?

MAX

Rory, good, it's Max.

RORY

Oh, hey Max.

MAX

Oh look, I've been out ring shopping all day.

RORY

Ring shopping. Very interesting.

MAX

Now I've narrowed it down to three different rings, but I want to get her something she's really gonna like, not just something that she tells me she likes but really hates, and you know her taste in jewelry better than I do, so I thought maybe you could give me some advice.

RORY

Okay, well, anything with the word "Foxy" on it is a big crowd pleaser.

MAX

Oh, maybe for our first anniversary.

RORY

Okay, I'm listening.

MAX

Okay. The first ring has a gold band and sort of a square diamond. It's simple, but very classic.

RORY

Gold band, square diamond, simple, classic. [Lorelai shakes her head] I'm not sure that's really her.

MAX

Okay, the next one is sort of an engagement band with small diamonds all around it, white gold, and there's a wedding band that sort of fits into it like a set.

RORY

White gold engagement band, small diamonds around it, with wedding band that fits into it. [Lorelai gestures that she might like it] That's a possibility. What's the third one?

MAX

The third one is from the twenties.

RORY

From the twenties, hmm.

MAX

Large diamond in the middle.

RORY

Large diamond in the middle.

MAX

Diamond clusters on the sides.

RORY

Diamond clusters on the sides.

MAX

A little deco.

RORY

A little deco. [Lorelai pants and barks like a dog] That sounds great. Uh, good going. She's gonna be ecstatic.

MAX

She's right there with you isn't she?

RORY

What? No.

MAX

No, I thought I heard her bark.

RORY

No, that's just a wild jackal that hangs out here sometimes.

MAX

Mm hmm. Put Cujo on the phone please.

RORY

One sec. [hands phone to Lorelai] Here boy.

LORELAI

Oh, hello Max, what a pleasant surprise. I just walked in.

RORY

Hi.

DEAN

Am I late?

RORY

Nope, right on time.

DEAN

Good.

RORY

Are you coming in?

DEAN

In a sec. Ah, where's your mom?

RORY

In the kitchen on the phone.

DEAN

Beginning, middle, or end of a conversation?

RORY

Well, it concerns jewelry so there may not be an end to the conversation.

DEAN

Good. Hi.

RORY

Hi. [they kiss]

DEAN

I missed that.

RORY

Me too.

DEAN

So, uh, ya know, this whole breaking up thing, we tried it. . .

RORY

Yeah we did. Didn't really work for me.

DEAN

Me either.

RORY

Okay good, so it's decided. Breaking up, not for us.

DEAN

I mean, hey, not that it's a bad thing. I'm sure some people like it.

RORY

Oh sure, Cher, Greg Allman, bet they'd give it a big thumbs up. [To Lorelai] Did you pick out your ring?

LORELAI

Yup, he's gonna surprise me with it tomorrow.

RORY

Twenties deco?

LORELAI

Supposedly ripped right off of Zelda Fitzgerald's cold dead hand. Hey Dean.

DEAN

Hey.

RORY

When is dinner ready?

LORELAI

Do I look like a timer?

RORY

I thought you might have set one.

LORELAI

Silly rabbit.

RORY

Timers are for kids.

LORELAI

I say 10 minutes, we're there.

RORY

I'll get us set up.

DEAN

So what's the movie for tonight?

LORELAI

Oh my god, a classic.

RORY

The Joan and Melissa Rivers Story, starring. . .

LORELAI

Joan and Melissa Rivers. A mother and daughter torn apart by tragedy.

RORY

Suicide.

LORELAI

Not getting The Tonight Show.

RORY

Mean boyfriends.

LORELAI

Identical noses.

RORY

You'll laugh, you'll cry.

LORELAI

Because you're laughing so hard.

RORY

It'll be an evening to remember.

LORELAI

And in the pivotal scene where a very distraught Joan gets locked out of High Holiday Services because she's late, I will be forced to rewind it and play it over and over about four thousand times.

RORY

You'll never be the same. [Rory leaves the kitchen]

LORELAI

So...

DEAN

So.

LORELAI

It's nice to have you back.

DEAN

Thanks, it's nice to be back.

LORELAI

We missed you.

DEAN

I missed you guys too.

LORELAI

No, I mean we really really missed you.

DEAN

You need the water bottle changed, don't you?

LORELAI

Desperately.

DEAN

Rag.

LORELAI

[hands him a towel] Thank you.

RORY

Where's Dean?

LORELAI

Getting water.

RORY

You're shameless.

LORELAI

He offered.

RORY

Please.

LORELAI

The first thing he said to me was 'Hey Lorelai, can I change your water?' What can I do? The kid's a freak.

DEAN

Hey.

RORY

Hey, I'm so sorry she's got you doing chores already.

DEAN

Aw, I don't mind.

RORY

You will. She pulled out the mower this morning.

DEAN

Well if that movie is anything like you described, mowing might be a good alternative.

RORY

Hey, I wanted to ask you something.

DEAN

Yeah?

RORY

My grandparents are having this special dinner for me next week. It's nothing big, but they said I could invite someone, and I thought, you've never seen my grandparents' house and I'd really like you to meet my Grandpa. What?

DEAN

Well, ah, it's just the last time I met your Grandma was the night of the dance and you know how that turned out, so...

RORY

The dance was a long time ago. She's over it by now. I'm sure everything would be fine.

DEAN

You want me to go?

RORY

Yeah, I want you to go.

DEAN

Then I'll go.

RORY

Good.

LORELAI

[from inside house] Oh my, that coffee can is just so high up there, whatever will I do!

DEAN

Coming!

EMILY

Antonia, take this and put it in the dining room please. Oh, I like that tie!

RICHARD

It's rather snappy, isn't it? Oh, oh, oh.

EMILY

Richard, don't you dare get on that phone. They'll be here any second.

RICHARD

I'm not getting on the phone. I'm going to give Rory that first edition of Mencken's Chrestomathy.

EMILY

Well, hello there! Well, hello there.

RORY

Grandma, you remember Dean right?

EMILY

Yes I do, nice to see you again.

DEAN

Thanks. Uh, your house is great. It's huge. I've never seen a house this huge before.

EMILY

Well thank you. So few people bother to notice the hugeness of the house anymore.

LORELAI

Mom, it was so nice of you to tell Rory to invite a friend tonight, seeing as this is her night. That was really nice of you.

EMILY

It was my pleasure.

LORELAI

Good.

EMILY

Well, don't just stand there. We have a celebration to attend. Come in, come in.

EMILY

So, what would everyone like to drink?

LORELAI

Uh, well, I'll have a white wine and Dean'll have a beer.

DEAN

What?!

LORELAI

Corona right?

DEAN

No, I don't want a beer! I don't drink beer. I'll have water or soda or anything. Or nothing. Not beer. Never beer. Beer is. . beer's bad.

EMILY

Relax Dean, that's just Lorelai's little sense of humor. You're very cruel.

LORELAI

Well, yes, keeps me young.

DEAN

I'm just gonna sit here and stare at my hands.

EMILY

Soda Dean?

DEAN

Please.

EMILY

Rory?

RORY

Oh, I'll have a beer. [Emily and Lorelai laugh] I'm sorry Dean, we're not laughing at you.

LORELAI

Oh wait, I think I was.

EMILY

I think I was a little too. [Richard enters] Oh Richard, there you are. Come join us.

LORELAI

Hey Dad.

RORY

Grandpa, hi. This is Dean. Dean, this is my Grandpa.

DEAN

Hi. Sorry, uh, hi. [walks over to him]

RICHARD

Hello.

DEAN

[offers to shake his hand] It's uh. . it's nice to meet. . .

RICHARD

Does everyone have drinks?

LORELAI

Uh yeah, we all have drinks. Thanks.

DEAN

[sits down, whispers to Lorelai] Should we do the beer thing again?

LORELAI

Uh, I don't think so.

RORY

Grandma, I can't believe you found the recipe for Beefaroni.

EMILY

It wasn't easy. Antonia thought I'd gone insane.

LORELAI

Well . . .

EMILY

No one needs a comment from you.

LORELAI

No, I was just gonna say, what's the secret?

EMILY

Well, let's just say it's not beef.

LORELAI

Oh, okay, I'm done.

RORY

Me too.

EMILY

Dean, would you like some more?

DEAN

Uh, no. I'm fine, thanks.

EMILY

Well, then I guess it must be present time.

RORY

You didn't have to.

LORELAI

Oh yeah, Mom, you didn't have to. Unless you got something that'll fit me too, in which case, good going.

EMILY

[hands her a gift] Here you go, Rory. Congratulations, we're so proud.

RORY

Thanks Grandma. Thanks Grandpa.

EMILY

Now go on, open it.

RORY

Okay. [opens gift]

LORELAI

Oh, pens. All yours.

RORY

It's beautiful.

LORELAI

I think the top student deserved the top tools.

RORY

Thank you so much. Really.

LORELAI

Uh, uh, well, pens are very nice, but I just bet there is a fabulous fancy dessert just sitting out there in that kitchen of yours.

EMILY

As a matter of fact there is. Twinkies.

LORELAI

What?

EMILY

Well, Rory told me that was her favorite dessert.

LORELAI

Emily Gilmore, you are one classy broad.

EMILY

Antonia, please bring out the Twinkies.

LORELAI

I can't believe I just heard you say those words.

EMILY

Well, don't get used to it.

RICHARD

So, Dean, where are you planning to go to college?

DEAN

Oh, uh, well I. . .

LORELAI

Geez Dad, start off with 'what's your favorite baseball team' or something.

RICHARD

I'm talking to Dean.

DEAN

I don't know yet.

RICHARD

You don't?

DEAN

No, not yet.

RICHARD

Well, what kind of grades do you get?

EMILY

Richard please, don't grill the boy.

RICHARD

I'm not grilling the boy Emily. It's an easy question. A's, B's, C's?

DEAN

I get a mixture actually.

RICHARD

Mixture? [laughs] What's the ratio?

EMILY

Richard.

RICHARD

I'm just trying to get to know the boy Emily. After all, Rory brings home a young man to dinner, the least we can do is learn something about him.

LORELAI

He changes a mean water bottle.

DEAN

I get a couple A's, couple B's, few C's.

RICHARD

Really?

DEAN

I'm not great in math.

LORELAI

Yeah, except who is really? You know, except mathematicians or the blackjack dealers, or I guess Stephen Hawking doesn't suck, but you know... You know what else is good though Mom, is a Ho-Ho. Because if you can't find a Twinkie, you know, treat yourself to a nice Ho-Ho. How long does it take to open a box?

EMILY

She's making them.

LORELAI

She's making the Twinkies? You're kidding.

EMILY

Oh Richard, wasn't there a book you wanted to give Rory?

RICHARD

In a minute. So Dean. . .

RORY

Uh, Grandpa?

RICHARD

You do know that Rory is going to an Ivy League school?

DEAN

I know.

RICHARD

Harvard, Princeton, Yale.

LORELAI

He said he knew Dad.

RICHARD

You need top grades to get into a top school.

DEAN

Yeah, well, Rory's really smart.

RICHARD

Yeah, she is really smart.

RORY

Mom?

LORELAI

Yeah, why don't we all go sit in the uh. . .

RICHARD

So, how are you planning to make a living once you graduate from this college you haven't thought anything about yet?

RORY

Grandpa, can we talk about something else?

EMILY

I'm going to get that book. [leaves]

RICHARD

I asked you a question.

DEAN

I don't know what I want to do.

RICHARD

You know, when I was ten years old, I knew exactly where I wanted to work.

LORELAI

That's because you were always picked last for dodgeball.

RICHARD

I knew I wanted to go to Yale, and put on a nice suit everyday and be a very important man in a very powerful firm. And I knew I wanted to travel and see the world.

DEAN

Well, that's great.

RICHARD

I wanted to see La Traviata at the La Scala Operahouse. I wanted to walk the ruins of Pompeii. I wanted to travel the far east . . .

LORELAI

And be a ballerina or a fireman.

RICHARD

Lorelai, this isn't funny.

LORELAI

It's a little funny to think of a ten-year-old kid dreaming of the La Scala Operahouse.

RICHARD

Rory does. Rory wants to travel. Rory has plans.

LORELAI

Rory's special.

RICHARD

Yes. Exactly. Rory is special

DEAN

Well, I know that Rory is special.

EMILY

[returns with book] I got it.

RORY

Dean is special too, Grandpa.

DEAN

Rory.

RORY

You don't even know him.

RICHARD

I know enough.

RORY

No you don't. Dean is incredible and he's special to me and I bring him here and you attack him.

RICHARD

I will not be spoken to like that in my house.

EMILY

Richard here, give her the book.

RICHARD

This family has standards. You live up to them, and you should expect that everyone that you spend time with live up to them also. You are a gifted girl with immense promise, and you should learn very early that certain people can hold you back.

RORY

Grandpa, stop it! You cannot treat Dean this way.

RICHARD

I'm sorry, excuse me, I have to work. [leaves the table]

RORY

Grandpa! Thank you for the dinner and the gift Grandma, but I really think we should be going. [leaves]

DEAN

Thanks. Sorry. [leaves]

LORELAI

Am I crazy? That's supposed to be us right?

LORELAI

Well, want to come in and have some dessert? You never did get your Twinkie.

DEAN

Uh, no thanks. I think I should get going.

RORY

Are you sure?

DEAN

Yeah.

LORELAI

Okay, well, Dean, all I can say is that tonight, you officially became a Gilmore Girl. Feels good, huh?

DEAN

Yeah.

LORELAI

See you later. [to Rory] Meet you inside.

RORY

I don't even know what to say.

DEAN

It's no big deal.

RORY

I had no idea...I thought he would...I am so sorry Dean.

DEAN

It's not your fault.

RORY

None of those things he said were true. None of them mean anything. I don't know what made him act that way. I just. . .

DEAN

You know what, let's just forget it. All right?

RORY

Please, don't be upset.

DEAN

I'm not.

RORY

Dean.

DEAN

I'm fine. I'm not upset. I have to go. Call you tomorrow.

RORY

Okay.

RORY

That man is impossible.

LORELAI

Twinkie?

RORY

He just attacked Dean out of nowhere. And Dean is sitting there, being perfectly nice, and then all of a sudden. . . Ugh, God, I'm so mad. He's a snob.

LORELAI

Yes.

RORY

And he doesn't listen. He just wants to say horrible things and have you sit there and listen to him and then just agree with him. What is that all about?

LORELAI

Ah, that is about a hundred years worth of inbreeding.

RORY

I've never seen him be mean before. Ever, not like that. I don't know how I'll ever talk to him again. And Dean. He must be so upset right now. I hate that he did this to him, I hate it.

LORELAI

Yes, it was bad. My father was in fine form tonight. But. . .

RORY

But? There's a but, from you there's a but?

LORELAI

Twinkie. I don't think my father has ever loved anything in this world as much as he loves you. Now, that having been established, let's just consider that maybe this flipout tonight actually came from somewhere that possibly has nothing to do with Dean and very possibly has nothing to do with you.

RORY

What are you talking about?

LORELAI

You are the great white hope of the Gilmore clan. You are their angel sent from up above. You are the daughter they didn't have.

RORY

Mom.

LORELAI

No, it's not a 'feel sorry for me' thing. It's just the truth. I mean, you're gonna go to college. Hell, you're gonna graduate from high school. They're gonna get to watch you walk down the aisle wearing your cap and gown and get your diploma and go to Harvard and be a Phi Beta Bimbo and graduate with honors and just set the world on fire. And that is the plan, looks like it's gonna happen.

RORY

It is going to happen. Except for that Phi Beta Bimbo part.

LORELAI

But then tonight you walk in with this beautiful boy who likes you enough to brave going to your grandparents house for dinner, and Dad looks at you and sees you with him and all of a sudden, has a terrible Lorelai flashback. He sees it all going away, the college, the cap and gown and. . .

RORY

But I'm not going to get pregnant.

LORELAI

I know that.

RORY

He should know it.

LORELAI

Yes, he should, but you do have my eyes.

RORY

You do realize you just spent the last ten minutes defending your dad.

LORELAI

I know. I'm gonna have terrible nightmares all night long. But I'll tell you what. If you cut him a little slack, I'll wear my porn star t-shirt to dinner next week.

RORY

Deal.

LORELAI

Good.

RORY

Hello?

LANE

I just thought you should know that my parents just brought in the suitcase that I'm supposed to take on my trip and to paint you a picture, it can fit you and me plus everything we own and still have enough room to do a little souvenir shopping. I am never coming back.

RICHARD

What is Lorelai thinking letting Rory run around with a boy like that. Well, of course, she isn't thinking! She never thinks.

EMILY

Richard, please, you're giving me a headache.

RICHARD

And what were you thinking inviting him over here?

EMILY

We told her she could invite someone. You were right there.

RICHARD

I did not mean him.

EMILY

Please calm down.

RICHARD

I will not calm down. Did you hear the way she talked to me?

EMILY

Yes, I heard the way she talked to you.

RICHARD

She sounded like her mother.

EMILY

You were attacking her boyfriend.

RICHARD

A girl that age shouldn't have a boyfriend.

EMILY

You truly think a sixteen year old girl isn't gonna date?

RICHARD

Well, of course she's going to date, and she should date. The proper socialization is important to a child. But she should not date one boy and she should not date him. [phone rings] Don't answer that.

EMILY

I'm going to answer it.

RICHARD

Emily, we are in the middle of a discussion.

EMILY

I'm sure you will remember exactly where you were five minutes from now. Hello?

SOOKIE

Hi, Mrs. Gilmore? It's Sookie St. James, Lorelai's friend. I don't know if you remember me.

EMILY

Oh yes, you're the chef at the Inn.

SOOKIE

That's right. Listen, I'm sorry to call so late, but I need to ask you a question. I'm planning a surprise wedding shower for Lorelai and Max, and it's gonna be more like a big party actually. But I've cleared the date with everybody around here, so we're all set to go, but I wanted to make sure you guys were gonna be around before I finalized everything. It's going to be Saturday the 21st.

EMILY

I don't know, I'd have to check.

SOOKIE

Okay, Okay. You check, and then you call me at the inn, okay?

EMILY

Yes, I'll get back to you.

SOOKIE

Okay.

EMILY

I want you to call Rory tomorrow and apologize.

RICHARD

What?

EMILY

I want you to call her and tell her you're sorry. That you weren't feeling well and you think that Dean is a lovely boy and he's welcome here anytime.

RICHARD

Have you gone insane? Under no circumstance will I ...

EMILY

Our daughter is getting married. She's getting married and she didn't tell us. When Rory decides to get married, I'd like her to tell us. Call her tomorrow. [Emily leaves, starts to cry]

LORELAI

It was awful.

MAX

Sounds awful.

LORELAI

That's the family you want to marry into.

MAX

I must be insane.

LORELAI

Must be.

MAX

Hmm, and speaking of marrying into.

LORELAI

Yes?

MAX

I have a little something for you.

LORELAI

Let me guess. Is it gum, 'cause you know how much I like gum. How concerned I am about dental hygiene. [Max shows her the ring] Uh, oh my.

MAX

You like?

LORELAI

It's beautiful.

MAX

Oh, it's too big.

LORELAI

No, it's not.

MAX

Here, give it to me.

LORELAI

Oh, what? No, you can't have it back.

MAX

Well, I'll get it sized.

LORELAI

No, it's okay.

MAX

Well, it's gonna fall off.

LORELAI

I'll wear it on my thumb.

MAX

You're not gonna wear it on your thumb.

LORELAI

I'll eat a lot of salt and bloat up.

MAX

Just let me get it sized and I promise you'll never have to take it off again. In fact, I'm going to insist on it.

LORELAI

No, just in a minute, okay?

MAX

Okay.

LORELAI

I'm getting married.