T2E2: “Hammers and Veils”

LORELAI

Rory!

RORY

Living room!

LORELAI

I need your advice on something. What do you think?

RORY

Huh.

LORELAI

Not good?

RORY

I'm not sure. Have you tried the Arts and Leisure section?

LORELAI

I need you to be serious.

RORY

You are wearing a newspaper on your head.

LORELAI

I know.

RORY

And you need me to be serious?

LORELAI

I am trying to figure out veil lengths here.

RORY

Oh, well sure.

LORELAI

See, I kind of like this shoulder length kind of semi-poofy thing like this.

RORY

Mm hmm.

LORELAI

But there's also a longer one that might be interesting.

RORY

Longer, sure.

LORELAI

And then there's the full on Diana.

RORY

Right, right.

LORELAI

Which is nice but it just might be a little. . . . You're reading me.

RORY

Wait, don't move.

LORELAI

Rory, stop it.

RORY

This Putin arms race thing is really getting crazy.

LORELAI

I am trying to have a serious conversation about the most important fashion decision of my life.

RORY

Why don't you go to a wedding dress place and try a real veil on?

LORELAI

No way.

RORY

Why?

LORELAI

Too much taffeta, it gives me cotillion flashbacks.

RORY

Okay fine. Could you bend over so I can see what the weather's gonna be like tomorrow?

LORELAI

Actually, I went in one of those places yesterday.

RORY

You did? Which one?

LORELAI

Marry Mimi's.

RORY

Ooh, I see we're going top of the line.

LORELAI

Ugh, it was horrible. Apparently, you're supposed to order your wedding dress the first day of junior high, and if you haven't, it's off the rack for you missy. I tried on three different dresses, one of which gave me a rash. And I gotta say, has anyone missed the bustle? 'Cause I haven't.

RORY

It was not that bad.

LORELAI

They all looked wrong. I'm gonna be gross and all the children will laugh and Max will realize he's made a horrible mistake and then people will walk away, exactly as you're doing now.

RORY

Let's go.

LORELAI

Where?

RORY

Wedding dress shopping.

LORELAI

Uhhh, you're reading.

RORY

I'm done.

LORELAI

Uh, you need to see Dean.

RORY

He's playing softball.

LORELAI

Your cure for cancer's almost finished.

RORY

We are going to find the perfect thing for you to walk down the aisle in your perfect wedding day, where there will be no pointing, mocking or walking out.

LORELAI

I did not say pointing, why did you say pointing?

RORY

Keys.

LORELAI

Thank you.

LOUISE

Ooh, spending the summer at Chilton. Happy happy, joy joy.

MADELINE

If I don't improve my French grades, I can kiss Vassar goodbye.

PARIS

You need to follow a study schedule. I've been telling you this second grade.

LOUISE

Yes, which worries both of us.

MADELINE

Maybe I won't go to college.

PARIS

You have to go to college.

LOUISE

Princess Grace didn't go to college.

PARIS

Thank you for the history lesson, A.J. Benza.

LOUISE

Take a pill.

PARIS

Marry rich.

MADELINE

Hey.

RORY

Hey.

MADELINE

You doing the summer school thing too?

RORY

Uh, yeah.

MADELINE

What classes are you taking?

RORY

Well, I uh...

LOUISE

Ahem.

MADELINE

What?

RORY

Uh, you're not talking to me.

MADELINE

I'm not?

LOUISE

Tristin.

PARIS

PJ Harvey.

MADELINE

Oh yeah.

RORY

I'm just gonna look at the bulletin board, and then you can back to your conversation.

MADELINE

There's a Rebuilding Together thing going on tomorrow. You know, they fix up homes for the needy. It's a total easy outdoor denim gig that looks really great on your college transcript. Sorry.

RORY

Thanks, I'll think about it.

PARIS

You wouldn't like it.

RORY

'Cause you'll be there?

PARIS

Yes, I'll be there.

RORY

I'll think about it.

PARIS

You don't want to go.

RORY

I'll see.

PARIS

You don't, it's not you.

RORY

I have multiple personalities. It might be one of me.

PARIS

It's hours of hammering and drilling and dirt and it's horrible. You'll hate it.

RORY

How do you know? How do you know that I don't spend hours every week hammering and drilling? And dirt, I love dirt. I collect it.

PARIS

You're hilarious.

RORY

You're pathetic.

PARIS

Fine. Forget it.

RORY

Why don't you want me to go?

PARIS

I don't care if you go.

RORY

You just spent a great deal of energy trying to convince me not to.

PARIS

I'm late for class.

RORY

Are you seriously going to be mad about the fact that you thought I was going out with Tristin even though I wasn't for the rest of your life?

PARIS

I have great commitment.

RORY

And you don't see how stupid that is?

PARIS

I'm sorry if you thought we had some kind of deep Thelma and Louise thing going here, but we didn't.

RORY

Well, have it your way, but I'm going tomorrow.

PARIS

Fine. Go. See if I care.

RORY

I will.

PARIS

Great. I hate summer.

HENRY

Rory?

RORY

Oh, Henry, hi. Nice to see you.

HENRY

You too. What classes are you taking?

RORY

Shakespeare, physics, obscure Russian poetry.

HENRY

Wow. I'm still trying to get through trig. But hey, third time's the charm.

RORY

I can help you if you want.

HENRY

I just may take you up on that.

RORY

Okay.

HENRY

Okay.

RORY

Lane's fine.

HENRY

Is she? Good, 'cause I haven't talked to her in awhile. I called.

RORY

Yeah?

HENRY

Once. I called once.

RORY

And?

HENRY

Her mother answered.

RORY

Oops.

HENRY

She sounded angry.

RORY

No, that's just Mrs. Kim.

HENRY

I hung up. Twelve times. And then on the thirteenth time she said she was gonna have the FBI trace the call and have me thrown in prison. And although I know logically that the punishment for multiple hang ups probably isn't prison, she just sounded so capable of doing real damage that I. . .

RORY

Stopped calling?

HENRY

And now Lane probably thinks that I forgot about her, and. . .

RORY

You'd like for me to tell her that you haven't.

HENRY

That would be good.

RORY

Done.

HENRY

And maybe you could give her my number and she could call me.

RORY

I'll get right on it.

HENRY

Aw thanks. [writes his number down, hands the paper to Rory] Thank you.

RORY

Uh huh.

HENRY

Okay. Bye

RORY

Bye. Uh, henry?

HENRY

What?

RORY

Your trig notes.

HENRY

Ahhh.

RORY

I think we may have nailed down the problem.

LORELAI

Mom, tomorrow I'm going to build a house.

RORY

Help build a house.

LORELAI

Did you tell them that there's a light bulb in your closet that burned out in '97 that you still haven't changed?

RORY

It's for charity.

LORELAI

Wow, don't those people have enough problems without having you as a contractor?

RORY

I'm sure there will be real construction workers there.

LORELAI

Oh.

RORY

I will be assisting, I will be helping out those less fortunate than myself, I will be getting college credit and this is the end of this particular conversation.

LORELAI

You're right. It's a good thing. Nice, keeps your halo shiny. Oh wait, wait. [takes off her engagement ring]

RORY

When are you going to tell them?

LORELAI

Soon.

RORY

When's soon?

LORELAI

When the big hand hits the "S" and the little hand hits the "OON."

RORY

You're getting married in three months.

LORELAI

Ring the bell.

RORY

I think you should tell them now.

LORELAI

Ring the bell.

RORY

The longer you wait the harder it's gonna be.

LORELAI

For the love of God, will you please ring the bell.

RORY

You can tell them before dinner.

LORELAI

I will tell them when I'm ready to tell them. You have to accept that because I'm the mother and you're the daughter, and in some cultures, that means you have to do what I say.

RORY

If you don't tell them in two weeks, I will.

LORELAI

Though apparently not in this one.

RORY

Good. [rings doorbell]

EMILY

We're going to have to eat quickly, your father has a very early flight tomorrow morning. [walks away]

LORELAI

Oh, I'm good. Yeah, and Rory's gonna build a house tomorrow. I know, I thought it was a little weird too.

EMILY

Walk as you babble please.

LORELAI

[to Rory] Somebody must have scratched the silver.

EMILY

[to maid] Bring the bread out too. And pour the wine please. [to L/R] Come on, hurry up.

LORELAI

Yeah, 'cause we don't want our salad to get cold.

EMILY

Richard, dinner!

LORELAI

Mom.

EMILY

Eat eat.

LORELAI

Shouldn't we wait for Dad?

EMILY

Don't worry about him.

LORELAI

He's the one with the early plane. We don't have to go anywhere tomorrow. We can stay all night. Have a party, do some Jell-O shots, play light as a feather, stiff as a board. Okay, pass the bread.

RORY

Grandma, would you like some. . .

EMILY

Yes please.

RICHARD

You started.

EMILY

You have a six o'clock flight.

RICHARD

Six o'clock, are you sure?

EMILY

What do you mean, am I sure? Of course I'm sure. I double-checked it three times with your secretary because I know she's an idiot and all three times she told me six o'clock. I wrote it down, I have your ticket right out on the. . . You're teasing me.

RICHARD

Very possible.

EMILY

I don't find that amusing, Richard.

RICHARD

Exactly the point of teasing, Emily. Hello Lorelai.

LORELAI

Hello Father.

RICHARD

Rory.

RORY

Grandpa.

RICHARD

May I speak with you for a moment, please?

RORY

Okay.

LORELAI

Hmm, I wonder what that's all about. I guess we'll find out later, right? Hey, whatever happened to Shusha?

RICHARD

I just thought we should touch base, you and I, after that unfortunate incident last week.

RORY

Grandpa, you already called me about that.

RICHARD

Yes, I know, but I thought taking a moment to once again say to you in person, how. . .

RORY

I know, and I appreciate it.

RICHARD

We'd never had a fight.

RORY

No.

RICHARD

This was our first one.

RORY

Yes it was.

RICHARD

And I must say, I didn't care for it.

RORY

Neither did I.

RICHARD

Well, all right. We should go back inside. We're find now, right?

RORY

We're fine. Buck up, Private.

RICHARD

Oh wait, I wanted to give you something.

RORY

What?

RICHARD

Come on, come on.

LORELAI

Hey, where you guys going?

RICHARD

We'll be right there.

LORELAI

Well, hurry, 'cause you're missing one hell of a conversation. You know, Mom, I'm really loving this salad dressing.

EMILY

I'm glad.

LORELAI

Lemony.

EMILY

Yes.

LORELAI

There's nothing like a nice salad of lemony goodness. [pause] Mom?

EMILY

Hmm?

LORELAI

I have something to tell you.

EMILY

Yes?

LORELAI

Well it's like this. Um, . . .could you put down your fork for a second? Thank you. Okay, um, you know Max?

EMILY

No, I don't.

LORELAI

Okay, I know you don't know him know him, but you know of him, right?

EMILY

I've heard rumblings.

LORELAI

Okay, well, um, the. . .Max and I have been serious for quite awhile now, and he asked me to marry him, and I said yes. I'm getting married.

EMILY

Well, I think that's very nice. I certainly hope we'll be in town for it, but if not I promise we'll send a nice gift. Now excuse me, I'm going to check on the roast.

RORY

Are you okay?

LORELAI

I'm perfect.

RORY

Really?

LORELAI

I have hit a level of perfection that has rarely been seen outside the Victoria's Secret catalog.

RORY

I'm really sorry.

LORELAI

Aww, do not be sorry. What happened tonight was inevitable.

RORY

Mom.

LORELAI

I should've known not to tell my mother.

RORY

You were trying to be nice.

LORELAI

Telling her I was getting married to a wonderful guy who will love me and make me happy. That, and giving her my address when I finally moved out, two worst moves I ever made.

RORY

Maybe she'll think about it and call you and say she's sorry.

LORELAI

Mom, I'm getting married. I'm an idiot. And you know, as my mouth was opening my mind was screaming, 'Don't do it, I mean it, you'll regret it!' But did my mouth listen?

RORY

No.

LORELAI

No! And it opened and the words came out, and Emily was Emily, and my mouth was stunned. And my mind said 'I told you so.' And then my mouth got mad because no mouth like's to have it's nose rubbed in it. And now my mind and my mouth aren't talking, and it'll be weeks before we can get the boys together again.

RORY

Your mouth has a nose?

LORELAI

God, I'm crabby.

RORY

You're hungry.

LORELAI

No I'm not.

RORY

Well you didn't eat any of your dinner.

LORELAI

Yeah, well, by the time I could get my jaw off the ground, Speed Racer had taken my plate.

RORY

Luke will cheer you up, won't you Luke?

LUKE

Oh sure, I'm great at spreading the joy. What'll you have?

RORY

We'll have two coffees and a rant meal please. Extra cheese.

LORELAI

No.

RORY

Why?

LORELAI

I'm through ranting, the rant is over. I'll have an acceptance meal and a side of fries.

RORY

Please, you have not accepted this.

LORELAI

I am a grown woman. I do not need my mother's permission or blessing to be happy.

LUKE

Must've been a good Oprah today.

LORELAI

Just a little family drama. No biggie.

RORY

It's a little biggie.

LUKE

Yeah, what's going on?

LORELAI

I told my mother about me getting married and it was slightly ugly.

LUKE

Yup.

LORELAI

Yup, what?

LUKE

Well, there's nothing like a wedding to screw up a family.

LORELAI

Actually, in my case, there's nothing like a family to screw up a family.

LUKE

Something that's supposed to start nice, two people making promises to each other. I'll love you forever, I wanna die when you die, my life meant nothing until you used my toothbrush. And then it starts.

LORELAI

Well, that's not exactly. .

LUKE

Who do you invite, who sits where, open bar, yes or no. . .

LORELAI

Luke?

LUKE

Auntie Junie doesn't eat chicken, Uncle Momo's off his meds.

LORELAI

Junie and Momo?

LUKE

Just an example.

LORELAI

Of a retired circus couple?

LUKE

And then after all that planning, the reception will still be a disaster because no matter what you do or how carefully you plan, halfway through one of those nauseating Bette Midler ballads, someone's getting drunk, someone's sleeping with someone else's wife, and someone's chicken kiev is landing on the cake.

LORELAI

You know, the Gettysburg Address was only one page long, and that was about a war.

LUKE

I just call them like I seem them.

LORELAI

I have officially changed my order. I'll have the 'Luke's giving Lorelai a Migraine' meal.

LUKE

Bleu cheese or ranch?

LORELAI

Both.

LUKE

Coming right up.

RORY

Time?

LORELAI

8:30.

RORY

I'm late.

LORELAI

Hold on, coffee!

RORY

Thanks. I'll see you tonight.

LORELAI

Wait, one sec.

RORY

Mom, I have to be there in twenty minutes.

LORELAI

I know, but I made you something really cool.

RORY

Can't it wait 'til tonight?

LORELAI

It won't be cool tonight.

RORY

What do you mean it won't be cool tonight? What loses its cool factor in twelve hours?

LORELAI

This. [holds up a hammer decorated in pink]

RORY

What is that?

LORELAI

A hammer.

RORY

It has feathers on it.

LORELAI

Yes.

RORY

Why?

LORELAI

So the rhinestones and bows won't feel lonely.

RORY

What do you want me to do it?

LORELAI

Build a really pretty house.

RORY

How long is it gonna take me to talk you out of giving that to me?

LORELAI

Forty minutes, an hour, tops.

RORY

Hand it over.

LORELAI

Call me when you get home, and please be careful.

RORY

I will.

LORELAI

I mean it Timmy, no falling down the well.

RORY

Bye.

LORELAI

Bye.

RORY

Oh, geez, you scared me.

LANE

Sorry. Where you going?

RORY

I'm doing that Rebuilding Together thing today.

LANE

Right. I'll be fast. [brings in the boxes] Okay. Here's my CD's, my 'zines, my posters, my books, three of your sweaters, and one Diva Glam lipstick. I need to leave them here while I'm in Korea because my mother's bound to search my room and if she finds them, she'll throw them out. And then spend the rest of the summer praying for my soul.

RORY

I'll treat them like my own.

LANE

Okay, now. This is the Lane Kim retrieval kit. It contains the phone number of my cousins in Korea, a map of the house I'll be staying at, a picture of me now, and a mock-up of me in 6 months.

RORY

You've lost some weight.

LANE

Now this is that name of that guy at the American Consulate, and several important Korean phrases written out phonetically, you know, 'Help', 'Have you seen this girl,' 'Comes from money', et cetera.

RORY

Still no return date info from the parents?

LANE

Nope, but they did buy me a winter coat.

RORY

When are you going?

LANE

Right after your mom's engagement par...

RORY

Shhhh!!

LANE

Do you think she heard me?

RORY

I don't think so. No, she'd be in here grilling us for details if she had.

LANE

She wouldn't have pretended not to have heard so she wouldn't kill the surprise?

RORY

And risk clashing with the decor?

LANE

Right. Okay, I gotta go.

RORY

Hey, Henry?

LANE

Called him.

RORY

And?

LANE

He likes me. He's perfect. I'll never see him again. You'll read about it in my novel, A Connecticut Yankee in Pusan. [leaves]

DEAN

Hey.

RORY

Hi.

DEAN

Where you going?

RORY

I have to build a house.

DEAN

Okay, so where you going?

RORY

I'm serious.

DEAN

You're going to build a house?

RORY

It's for charity and I'm late, and why don't you go on inside and you and my mother can continue the 'Rory's building a house' routine and when that gets boring you can move on over to 'Who's on First?'

DEAN

Well, how long are you gonna be gone?

RORY

I don't know, why?

DEAN

I just thought we could hang today. Maybe see a movie, get something to eat. We could go to a bookstore, I'll watch you browse for six or seven hours.

RORY

I would love to but I have to do this thing today.

DEAN

Blow it off.

RORY

I can't.

DEAN

Did I mention the bookstore for six or seven hours?

RORY

How about tonight? We can get a pizza and go on Amazon. You'll be just as bored watching me ordering books, I promise.

DEAN

Deal.

RORY

Good, I have to go.

RORY

Excuse me.

MAN

Hey, you're touching a man with a saw. You don't touch a man with a saw. What are you thinking?

RORY

I'm sorry.

MAN

I could've hurt myself. I could've hurt you. There's a ton of hurt that almost happened here.

RORY

I really am sorry. I've never been on a job site before. It's nice.

MAN

Okay, where you from?

RORY

Chilton. My name. . .

MAN

Come on Chilton.

RORY

No, it's Rory. Chilton's my school.

MAN

You got a hammer?

RORY

Oh, yes, sir.

MAN

Where is it?

RORY

It's a real hammer underneath.

MAN

That's a hammer?

RORY

Well, it's just dressed up a little.

MAN

You dressed up a hammer?

RORY

No, my mother did. She does that. She, um, she takes thinks that aren't pretty and makes them pretty, like a hammer, you know. One time she made individual outfits for my liquid paper bottles. A clown, a cowboy, a newscaster. She's not insane, she just sounds it.

MAN

Okay. Work here. Wear these. Don't look up, pay attention to your surroundings, the words duck or run mean duck or run. Wear sunscreen, drunk water, get a button on the way out.

RORY

That's it? That's the instructions?

MAN

Yup.

RORY

But I've never done this before.

MAN

Well, tomorrow you won't be able to say that.

RORY

But people actually have to live in these houses. They may have kids or pets or breakables.

MAN

If you get in trouble, ask the person next to you.

ANOTHER MAN

Uh look out!

MAN

Hey, you learn fast. I didn't even mention that one. [walks away]

PARIS

This is my wall.

RORY

What?

PARIS

I've been working here. I put together this entire wall. Go work someplace else.

RORY

You put together this wall?

PARIS

Go help with cement.

RORY

It's very impressive.

PARIS

I've done it a million times before. It's no big deal. Louise! What did I just tell you, use a grub axe for that!

LOUISE

Bite me!

RORY

Funny. I never pictured you as a Bob Vila kind of girl.

PARIS

Rebuilding Together is an extremely prestigious and respected organization. I've been volunteering for them for years.

RORY

Really? You just love the overalls?

PARIS

I don't. Harvard does.

RORY

What does that mean?

PARIS

When you apply to an ivy league school, you need more than good grades and test scores to get you in. Every person who applies to Harvard has a perfect GPA and great test scores. It's the extras that put you over the top. The clubs, charities, volunteering. You know.

RORY

Oh yeah, I know.

PARIS

I started volunteering in fourth grade. I handed out cookies at the local children's hospital. By ten, I was leading my first study group. The youngest person in the group was twelve.

RORY

Wow.

PARIS

I've been a camp counselor. I organized a senior illiteracy program, I worked a suicide hotline, I manned a runaway center. I've adopted dolphins, taught sign language, trained seeing eye dogs.

RORY

But when did you have time to have a life?

PARIS

I'll have a life after I graduate from Harvard. Now if you'll excuse me, the drainage on the south side of this place sucks.

MADELINE

Hi!

PARIS

Madeline!

MADELINE

Bye!

DEAN

Hey. You look good in dirt.

RORY

Dean, hi.

DEAN

So how was it?

RORY

Long day. Long long day.

DEAN

The day is over. Let's talk about the night. Uh, there's a 7:30 showing of Barbarella, and I thought you can bring your mom's purse, you know the one with that monkey face and we'll sneak in some burgers and. . . what?

RORY

I can't.

DEAN

Get your mom's purse?

RORY

I can't do anything tonight.

DEAN

Why not?

RORY

Because I have a lot of planning to do.

DEAN

What planning?

RORY

I'm like ten years behind on my extracurriculars.

DEAN

What are you talking about?

RORY

Paris has been accumulating these things since she could walk. I mean, she has a list of good deeds that could bump Mother Teresa off the Harvard list.

DEAN

Okay, I'm lost.

RORY

I've been studying my butt off my whole life and I really thought that that was enough, but then Paris tells me that everyone makes good grades and it's the extras that put you over the top. And I thought that she was messing with me like she always does, but she's right. I mean, it makes total sense.

DEAN

What does?

RORY

Good grades aren't enough. I need to do things. I need to volunteer. I need to work for charity, I need to help the blind, the orphans, I don't know. I just need to do something.

DEAN

Fine, but what does this have to do with tonight?

RORY

I need to start now.

DEAN

Now? You have to help the blind and the orphans now?

RORY

Didn't I tell you that I was ten years behind?

DEAN

Well you can't make up for ten years in one night Rory.

RORY

I know. I just need to get organized.

DEAN

Well, Rory, it's summer. I mean, summer's the time to hang out and kick back.

RORY

I can't hang out or kick back. I need to find a retarded kid and teach him how to play softball. Oh God, listen to me. I am horrible. I am under qualified and horrible.

DEAN

Wait a minute. I thought we were gonna spend some time together.

RORY

We are.

DEAN

When?

RORY

I don't know. Tomorrow maybe?

DEAN

You were busy today.

RORY

I told you. . .

DEAN

So we made plans for tonight.

RORY

Yes but. . .

DEAN

And now you're blowing me off again.

RORY

I am not blowing you off.

DEAN

You're going to summer school three days a week.

RORY

You knew about that.

DEAN

Yes, but we've been apart for awhile now and I figured you'd want to spend some time with me.

RORY

Dean, this is about Harvard.

DEAN

Oh, well excuse me, it's about Harvard, I forgot. Okay, fine.

RORY

You're mad? You're mad because I want to be sure that I get into a good college?

DEAN

Nope, I'm mad because my girlfriend doesn't seem to have time for me anymore.

RORY

Dean, stop it. This is important.

DEAN

And it can't wait for one night?

RORY

No.

DEAN

Fine.

RORY

Why are you acting like this?

DEAN

Like what?

RORY

Like you're two.

DEAN

Hey, I'm not going to Harvard, I could care less about Harvard. I just wanted to hang with you. But relax, since apparently I'm two, maybe I'll just grow out of it.

LORELAI

Okay, I'm officially way too tired to go out tonight so I'm not trusting my accessorizing instincts. Tell me what you think.

RORY

I have no wilderness skills.

LORELAI

So you hate the purse?

RORY

How am I supposed to get into Harvard if I have no wilderness skills?

LORELAI

I don't know honey. Maybe you'll have to give up your dream of majoring in logging.

RORY

I called the Fireflies. Do they need troop leaders? Yes. Good, I'll be a troop leader. Great. The only catch is, it's summer. Camping season. I need wilderness skills. Why did you never take me camping?

LORELAI

Camping? Are you kidding? I couldn't get you to step on wet grass until you were three.

RORY

If you had taken me camping, I'd have wilderness skills.

LORELAI

Well, I'll tell you what. I'll take you upstairs. I'll throw you out the window. If you manage to grab that tree, I'll be your witness.

RORY

I called the Sunnyside Home. Do they need any volunteers? And believe it or not, they don't, but they do need an accordion player for their Friday night polka party.

LORELAI

How come I never forced you to learn the accordion?

RORY

The library was closed. I can call them tomorrow, but they only have twelve books so I'm not counting on that. The tutoring program at Chilton is still taking names. I guess I can do that but...

LORELAI

Honey, calm down.

RORY

I'm not prepared. I will never catch up.

LORELAI

You will catch up, but not in one night. You've made your lists and your calls, why don't you relax and call Dean to come over?

RORY

We're in a fight.

LORELAI

Why?

RORY

Because you never took me camping.

LORELAI

Oh boy, I am really sucking tonight.

RORY

We were supposed to hang out and I told him I couldn't and he got made and we're in a fight.

LORELAI

Ugh. Well, listen, why don't I cancel on Max tonight and I'll hang out here with you. We can make popcorn and reminisce about how I never forced you to become a missionary.

RORY

No, go, I'm fine. I just need to focus on this.

LORELAI

Well, I can help.

RORY

No, I need to do this alone.

LORELAI

Are you sure?

RORY

I'm sure.

LORELAI

Okay, well, I'm not gonna be home late. And listen, I would reconsider calling Dean. It's not his fault that you're so fabulous he can't think about anything else.

RORY

Bye Mom.

LORELAI

I mean, he just sits in his room, eating Froot Loops out of the box, saying your name over and over and over.

RORY

Time is ticking.

LORELAI

Rory, I love you Rory. Rory, I will not be ignored Rory...

RORY

Leave.

LORELAI

Okay, I'll be home early. Bye.

MAX

You hate your dinner.

LORELAI

No I don't.

MAX

You've hardly touched it.

LORELAI

Well, when somebody goes to all the trouble to make your entrée look like a little tiny hat, you hate to mess it up.

MAX

Is something wrong?

LORELAI

No.

MAX

You can tell me. That's what I'm here for.

LORELAI

I thought it was just for eye candy.

MAX

That too.

LORELAI

I'm fine. It's just stuff, ya know. Rory's freaking out about not having enough extracurricular things to impress Harvard with.

MAX

I can help her with that.

LORELAI

I'm sure she would greatly appreciate it.

MAX

Is that all that's wrong?

LORELAI

Yeah, just a lot of stuff to think about, you know, for the wedding.

MAX

I forget to tell you, I saw my parents today. They just wanted me to tell you how thrilled they are. My mother cried twice. She said you don't have to call her mom but you're welcome to if you want.

LORELAI

Really?

MAX

And then my father took me aside and gave me a long talk about marriage and the many ways of making a wife happy.

LORELAI

Ooh, a dirty talk.

MAX

Then they gave me this. [holds out a check]

LORELAI

No they did not.

MAX

Yes they did too.

LORELAI

Ah, did you tell them that we're paying for everything ourselves?

MAX

I did.

LORELAI

Sookie's doing the cake, the ceremony's at my house, Patty's supplying the chairs... thirty five dollars?

MAX

It's the first of four installments. That way we can't spend it all in one place.

LORELAI

Oh, that is so cute!

MAX

They just want to be involved.

LORELAI

That's sweet, that's really sweet. Can I. . .thanks.

MAX

Oh, and my mother even offered you her wedding dress.

LORELAI

Huh.

MAX

But since three of you could fit into that dress I took the liberty of declining it.

LORELAI

Oh, I hope she wasn't insulted.

MAX

No, I just told her you were wearing your mother's dress.

LORELAI

Ah.

MAX

It doesn't matter whether you are or not, she just wanted to offer something.

LORELAI

Let's get dessert.

MAX

You okay?

LORELAI

I just think it's great. I think it's great that your parents are so happy and into everything. I. .that must be nice to have that.

MAX

Well, why don't you think of it this way? Now they're kind of your parents too so you'll have that also.

LORELAI

Yes, I will think of it like that. That is exactly how I will think of it.

MAX

Good.

LORELAI

Because otherwise, I'd have to look at it like Max has parents who love him and care about him, and I have parents.

MAX

I didn't mean to upset you.

LORELAI

I'm not upset. It's just, I can't get that one moment out of my mind. 'That's nice, I hope we're in town.' Who, who, who reacts like that? I mean, what sort of mind forms that reaction to 'Hey mom, I'm getting married'?

MAX

Well, from everything you've told me about your parents, there's so much baggage between you guys...

LORELAI

You figure out a different way. You tap into compassion or family obligation or something. You don't react like that.

MAX

I agree. It's wrong. But you can't change who they are, and you won't get anywhere trying to.

LORELAI

Okay, you know what? I don't want to talk about my parents anymore. Okay, I don't want to speculate about them, I don't want to analyze them, I don't want to think about them anymore. We should go.

MAX

Come on, it' still early. We'll go someplace else. Talk a little bit more?

LORELAI

Yes. Absolutely. Sounds good.

MAX

Listen, I'm sorry tonight brought up all these bad feelings for you.

LORELAI

That's okay. Make a right.

MAX

But I bet this was harder for your mother then you think it is.

LORELAI

Uh huh.

MAX

I mean, look what's happened to her over the last year. She was just getting back into your life, and suddenly, everything changes on her.

LORELAI

Yeah, that's gotta suck. Go right.

MAX

You know, maybe once we get married, things will settle down, you two will be able to work it out. I mean, you never know, I might be able to help the situation, ya know, uh, act as a buffer or so.

LORELAI

That's a good thought, good thought. Pull...Pull in here.

MAX

Lorelai, hold on, ya know, I think I know what's going on here, and I gotta tell you, it's not a good idea.

LORELAI

This'll just take a second. [rings doorbell several times]

MAX

I don't know, maybe you should wait until tomorrow, calm down a little, think this through, maybe you'll be able to be more objective.

LORELAI

You are not asleep. Come on!

MAX

You are way too emotional for this.

LORELAI

No, I'm just emotional enough. Now if you like you can wait in the car because I really don't plan on being here that long.

EMILY

What on earth?

LORELAI

Hi mom, do you have a sec to chat? Super.

EMILY

Lorelai, what is this?

LORELAI

I just wanted to see how you were, that's all.

EMILY

I'm fine.

LORELAI

You are? Oh good, good. I'm glad that you're fine. I, however, am not fine.

EMILY

Your father and I were just about to go to bed. We can do this in the morning.

LORELAI

Actually Mom, no. We can't do this in the morning. We really need to do this right now.

EMILY

Are you drunk?

LORELAI

No, I'm not drunk. I'm confused.

EMILY

About what?

LORELAI

About you.

EMILY

And what about me confuses you Lorelai?

LORELAI

Well, so many things. I mean, for example, why can't you keep a maid in this house? I mean, there must've been a thousand women who've gone through here in the thirty-two years that I've been alive, and not one of them could stick it out.

EMILY

And this is what we need to discuss right now?

LORELAI

These are women from countries that have dictatorships and civil wars and death squads and all of that they survived, but five minutes working for Emily Gilmore, and people are begging for Castro.

EMILY

All right, I'm going to bed now.

LORELAI

And why is it that when your only daughter tells you that she is getting married, you can't muster up even a little enthusiasm? Even a little fake enthusiasm. Why don't you pretend that you care? I mean, this is the biggest thing to happen to me possibly for the rest of my life, and you dismissed it like I said, 'Hey, I'm thinking of getting a Honda, what do you think?'

EMILY

You're obviously hysterical!

LORELAI

Why don't you care? Why have you never cared? No matter what has happened to me my entire life, you've never been happy for me, and that hurts, Mom, it really hurts!

EMILY

I'm not discussing this with you.

LORELAI

Do you know how it felt for me to tell you that I was getting married and to have you just brush it off like that? Do you know?

EMILY

No, I don't, I don't know! Possibly very similar to finding out from a complete stranger that my only daughter was getting married and had told every other person in the world before she bothered to tell her own mother. Possibly it felt something like that. Now if you'll excuse me, it is late, and I am going to bed. [opens the front door, Lorelai walks out]

MAX

Um, my parents would really like to have lunch with you and Mr. Gilmore, sometime. . . soon. Nice meeting you. [leaves]

MICHEL

I don't care.

SOOKIE

I just need a quick opinion.

MICHEL

It took me two seconds to tell you I don't care. That's as quick as I get.

SOOKIE

This Lorelai's engagement party. It is a once in a lifetime event, and I want it to be perfect.

MICHEL

I am working.

SOOKIE

Just pick a cookie.

MICHEL

I don't want to.

SOOKIE

Michel, for the rest of their lives, Lorelai and Max are gonna think back on their engagement party and they're gonna talk about three things. They're gonna talk about the friends who came, and that special song they danced to, and the cookies that they ate.

MICHEL

Their world is very small, isn't it?

SOOKIE

Macaroons or chocolate pralines?

MICHEL

Go back to the cooking room.

SOOKIE

Not until you eat these and tell me what you think!

MICHEL

Sookie! I only eat fifteen hundred calories a day. If I eat that, I cannot have my Boca burger later.

LORELAI

Hey Sookie. Is there any coffee left? I had a really lousy night.

SOOKIE

Oh, sorry, ya know, I've been so busy I didn't even think about it.

LORELAI

Oh, that's okay. I'll make some myself.

SOOKIE

No! I'll make it! I'll make it! I wanna make it! I wanna make it! Let me do it! I wanna make...hey, I make the coffee!

LORELAI

Sookie, relax, you're busy.

SOOKIE

No, I'm not. Go back to the counter. Michel's stealing.

LORELAI

Oh my god. What is this?

SOOKIE

Uh, the dinner special?

LORELAI

The dinner special is a heart shaped pastry with Max and Lorelai written on it?

SOOKIE

I couldn't find any good salmon.

LORELAI

Oh Sookie, you're throwing me a wedding shower, aren't you?

SOOKIE

It was supposed to be a surprise.

LORELAI

Oh my God, this is amazing, Sookie, even for you.

SOOKIE

Wait 'til you see the ice sculptures!

LORELAI

When is it?

SOOKIE

Tonight.

LORELAI

Uh, so your yen to hit the bingo parlor in Enfield was. . .

SOOKIE

A vicious vicious lie.

LORELAI

This is incredible. This is really really incredible. My God, is there any pink icing left on the planet?

SOOKIE

The whole town is in on it actually. It's gonna be quite the affair. I think you'll be sufficiently impressed with the amount of people that wanna celebrate this with you.

LORELAI

Michel?

SOOKIE

No.

LORELAI

Right. I, I just, I can't get over this. Ugh. Hey, you didn't by any chance invite my parents, did you?

SOOKIE

Actually, I did.

LORELAI

Oh.

SOOKIE

And at first, I was really torn because I know you have issues with them, but it is your wedding and I assumed you wanted them to be there. Oh no, your mother told you.

LORELAI

Sort of.

SOOKIE

Damn, I thought I mentioned that it was a surprise. I don't know, maybe I didn't. It would be so typical of me. Uh, the cat's already out of the bag, and I'm stuffing imported chocolate squares down my shirt so you don't see me walk into the kitchen with them. Hey, did your mother mention if they were coming? She never got back to me.

LORELAI

Uh, yeah, no, um, she's got a thing tonight.

SOOKIE

Oh, too bad. Hey, we can save her a piece of cake.

LORELAI

That would be nice.

KIRK

[on bullhorn] Attention guests, the buffet line is clogging at sector B. I repeat, sector B is moving too slow. Keep it moving people.

RORY

Hey Mr. DJ, put a record on.

LANE

How's it sound?

RORY

Great.

LANE

I'm trying to find that subtle blend between not too cliché sounding traditional tunes with out of left field, should be standard.

RORY

Well, the Sinatra medley was great. I'd maybe skipped playing anything else by The Damned.

LANE

Got it. What time is it?

RORY

It's eight. What time do you leave?

LANE

I have a 10 o'clock flight.

RORY

Have I told you how much I'm gonna miss you?

LANE

Write me. Constantly.

RORY

Everyday.

LANE

Encouraging letters full of hope and see you soons.

RORY

I'll be tying yellow ribbons around the old oak trees.

LANE

I will be back for the wedding.

RORY

You better be.

LANE

Just don't let her change the date.

RORY

Not going to happen. Max is teaching a summer course at the University of Toronto, so if you're back by the end of the summer, it'll be fine.

LANE

Don't say if.

RORY

Right.

MAX

I don't know if you've realized, but every gift so far has been for you.

LORELAI

Yes, well, in this town, I am the queen. You are simply my jester.

MAX

A position I happily accept.

LORELAI

Aw, so come on then. How can you stand to leave all this for two months? Do you think Toronto's gonna make you into an ice sculpture? I don't think so.

MAX

I wish you'd come with me.

LORELAI

I have to work.

MAX

Well, two months is a long time.

LORELAI

I know.

MAX

Will you still want me when I got back?

LORELAI

I think there's a very good possibility that I will be just as infatuated with you then as I am now.

MAX

Maybe more.

LORELAI

Maybe more.

MISS PATTY

Oh, come on ladies, hurry up. Love waits for no one. Lucy, get off of Jenny's train! All right, bouquets up, and music!

RORY

How come you're not up there Kirk?

KIRK

Oh, I don't tap anymore. Bum knees.

RORY

Ah.

KIRK

I have to tell you, I'm a little worried about this gazebo holding up all those hoofers. They never did a trial run like I requested.

RORY

Oh, I think it's okay. The studs are definitely sound, and the two by fours are a nice number two structural grade. Or better possibly. I built a house yesterday.

KIRK

Oh, for Pete's sake! [on bullhorn] No tossing of the Jordan almonds. I repeat, put the almonds down!

DEAN

Hey.

RORY

Hey.

DEAN

This is quite a party.

RORY

Elegant and understated, just like my mother.

DEAN

So, uh, how are you?

RORY

I'm fine, how are you?

DEAN

Me? Uh, I'm an idiot.

RORY

No you're not.

DEAN

I'm so sorry Rory.

RORY

I'm sorry too.

DEAN

I don't even know what happened.

RORY

We had a fight, that's all.

DEAN

I mean, I've just missed you and...

RORY

I've missed you too.

DEAN

I got...I don't know, I got jealous of Harvard for a minute, which is crazy 'cause I love the fact that you're gonna go to Harvard. And then you have to do something that's gonna help you get there, and I...I don't even, I don't even really understand it myself.

RORY

Well, I didn't help. I was all wigged out when I got home.

DEAN

Well, you had all the right to be.

RORY

It's just that when it comes to Harvard, I sometimes get a little tunnel vision, and it's getting closer...

DEAN

Whoa.

RORY

...and I have to think about it...

DEAN

You do not have to explain.

RORY

But I don't want you to feel unimportant, because believe me, you're not.

DEAN

I'm glad.

RORY

I mean it. The only way you could be more important to me is if you had a Kit Kat bar growing out of your head.

DEAN

Well, I can't make any promises, but I'll give it a try.

RORY

I'm sorry.

DEAN

Don't be. I mean, I'm not going to a fancy school. I don't have that kind of pressure. I can't even imagine what that must feel like.

RORY

You could go to a fancy school if you wanted to.

DEAN

I don't think so.

RORY

Why not? You're smart.

DEAN

No, you're smart.

RORY

You are too.

DEAN

Rory.

RORY

And I could help you organize all of your extracurricular activities because I'm now an expert at it.

DEAN

I don't...

RORY

How are your wilderness skills?

DEAN

Hey?

RORY

What?

DEAN

Do you accept my apology?

RORY

Yeah, I accept your apology.

MAX

You okay?

LORELAI

Yeah. You know, I'll just um, I'll be right back.

MAX

Okay.

KIRK

[on bullhorn] Only three treats per person. No hogging of the treats. If caught with more than three treats on a plate, you will be faced with possible expulsion from said party.

LORELAI

Hey Kirk. Can I see that for a sec?

KIRK

Oh, sure.

LORELAI

Thanks. [walks away with bullhorn]

LORELAI

Hey.

LUKE

Hey. Why aren't you at your party?

LORELAI

Well that's funny, I was about to ask you the same thing.

LUKE

Ah, well, I just got kinda busy here.

LORELAI

Oh, yes, I can see that. Boy they keep making that ketchup slower and slower, huh?

LUKE

It's the Heinz family's little joke.

LORELAI

Boy, it's really pretty crazy out there.

LUKE

Oh, I can imagine.

LORELAI

Lots of people all having fun, just the kind of thing you'd hate.

LUKE

Sounds awful

LORELAI

You'd be miserable.

LUKE

Oh, yes I would.

LORELAI

But in spite of all that, I was kind of thinking, and you don't have to, that maybe you could pull yourself away for a second.

LUKE

Ah, well I...

LORELAI

I mean, you know, finish the ketchup tonight, but maybe leave the worchestshire sauce for tomorrow.

LUKE

I'll see how it goes.

LORELAI

Okay. I mean, it's just...it's a really big night for me tonight, and I don't know, it just feels like you should be there. Anyway, I'll let you get back to your ketchup. [leaves]

SOOKIE

The macaroons are going like hot cakes!

JACKSON

Yup, everything's a big success.

SOOKIE

Look at all this, isn't it beautiful? I know it's cliché, but it is so romantic it makes you all giddy in a really sappy kind of way, doesn't it?

JACKSON

Uh, sure, I guess.

SOOKIE

I hope they're happy. Ugh, what am I saying? How can they not be happy? They're in love, they have each other, and everything's perfect...

JACKSON

Okay! I get it!

SOOKIE

Jackson, what are you...

JACKSON

What do you think I need a piano to fall on my head?

SOOKIE

Well, I don't think anybody actually needs a piano to fall on their head.

JACKSON

All the marriage talk, and the, 'Oh Jackson, you should see Lorelai's ring, it's so beautiful.'

SOOKIE

Well, it is.

JACKSON

I understand. I'm hip, okay? We've hit that point in our relationship where the little hints are starting. Which means that'll be followed by the 'where are we going' talk, and that'll only end in a big ultimatum. Suddenly all hell breaks loose.

SOOKIE

Okay, no more sugar for you.

JACKSON

So, I think I need to say this right now. I'm not ready for marriage.

SOOKIE

Okay.

JACKSON

However, I'd be willing to move in.

SOOKIE

Move in where?

JACKSON

Move in with you.

SOOKIE

[laughing] Jackson, you're hilarious!

JACKSON

I am?

SOOKIE

I'll move in with you. [laughs] What a riot!

JACKSON

Why are you laughing?

SOOKIE

[laughing] You're face! God, you're good. You are good.

JACKSON

I wasn't joking.

SOOKIE

[laughing] Come on, let's go get some punch.

JACKSON

Sookie, I'm serious, I'm moving in.

SOOKIE

[laughing] Jackson, stop, you're gonna give me a cramp!

JACKSON

Sookie, get back here!

EMILY

Marina, the door please.

LORELAI

Hey. Oh thanks. Hey mom. I was in the neighborhood, 'cause there's that wedding dress place on Willow. Elizabeth Taylor bought one of her dresses there. Anyhow, I was trying to make a decision about a veil, and I thought maybe you might have some opinion about which one would look best on me 'cause, well you know me, so um, I thought I'd stop by and ask you which one you thought would be good. On me. So, which one?

EMILY

You're quite capable of choosing that yourself Lorelai.

LORELAI

I'm sorry.

EMILY

All right, you're sorry.

LORELAI

I don't know how to tell you things Mom. Um, I don't know if you've noticed this or not, but we don't communicate very well. When something good happens to me, I'm just afraid you're gonna make me feel bad about it. And when something bad happens to me, I'm always afraid you'll say 'I told you so.' I'm not sure if that's always fair, and I'm sure I share part of the blame for this circle we get into, but you think your words don't have any effect on me, but they do. And, I just didn't want to feel bad about this, so I waited. And I really didn't mean to hurt you. Okay, well, I will let you get back to that letter there.

EMILY

Your head is much too big for a veil. You might consider a tiara.

LORELAI

Um, a tiara?

EMILY

That's what I wore.

LORELAI

Oh. Okay. Well, I'll think about that. [leaves]