T2E3: “Red Light on the Wedding Night”

LORELAI

Oh my God, here!

RORY

Wow.

LORELAI

With a crunch and a zing and a hm hm hm hm, hello!

RORY

Okay, our house is burning down, and you can save the cake or me. What do you choose?

LORELAI

Well that's not fair. The cake doesn't have legs.

FRAN

So how are we coming here?

LORELAI

Oh Fran, so good. This cake is amazing.

RORY

Beyond amazing.

FRAN

Well, I should hope so. We've been doing this for a 112 years.

LORELAI

Huh. Well, you don't look a day over a 106.

FRAN

No, I meant my family's been doing it for that long.

LORELAI

Right. Okay, well, I'm glad we got that cleared up.

RORY

The raspberry, the raspberry, the raspberry!

FRAN

So, when is the big day again?

LORELAI

Two weeks from tomorrow.

FRAN

Have you picked a flavor?

LORELAI

Oh, I don't know. They're all so good.

FRAN

Well you have to try them again.

LORELAI

Oh no. I've already eaten so many.

FRAN

This is a very crucial decision, young lady. Cake is the glue of the wedding, so you will stand here and eat until you decide.

LORELAI

Okay, if you insist.

FRAN

I do. After all, what's more important then your wedding day?

LORELAI

Well, it ain't Guy Fawkes day.

FRAN

Yes, well, I'll just go and see if there's anything else in the back. [leaves]

LORELAI

Thanks.

RORY

So how was in seeing Max last night?

LORELAI

Well...

RORY

No gory details.

LORELAI

Like I've ever shared that part of my relationship with you.

RORY

You've alluded, you've insinuated, you have tiptoed to the brink of impropriety.

LORELAI

Hm, that Chilton has taught you some big words.

RORY

That's kind of the point.

LORELAI

It was really great. I'm glad he's back.

RORY

And he's on board with the whole smallish wedding thing?

LORELAI

Oh yeah. We want fun, we want simple, we want fast. We've been completely in sync, without the slightly gay boy band affiliation.

RORY

Oh, I printed up some sample invitations for you. I made them on my computer

LORELAI

Aww.

RORY

All you have to do is pick out a quote for the front page, and I'll print 'em up. [shows Lorelai the sample invitations]

LORELAI

Okay. Um... "What is love? It is the morning and the evening star." Ugh.

RORY

Sinclair Lewis.

LORELAI

Sinclair Sappy Lewis.

RORY

Fine, next.

LORELAI

"And all went merry as a marriage bell. But hush! Hark! A deep sound strikes like a rising knell!" What is it with poetry?

RORY

Lord Byron.

LORELAI

Byron and Lewis, together again.

RORY

Okay, last one.

LORELAI

"We have buried the putrid corpse of liberty." Perfect!

RORY

Mussolini it is. Um, can I ask you an ethical question?

LORELAI

Mmm.

RORY

Is it right to be sampling wedding cakes when Sookie's making ours for free?

LORELAI

What is right anyway, you know? Who defines right? And if eating cake is wrong, I don't want to be right.

FRAN

[calls] I'm bringing out a mocha crunch cream.

LORELAI

So, ethics?

RORY

Highly subjective and completely overrated.

LORELAI

That's my girl.

KIRK

And here's a sample of some of my black and white shots.

MAX

Hm.

LORELAI

Wow Kirk, I didn't know you were into photography.

KIRK

It's my passion.

LORELAI

Have you ever shot a wedding before?

KIRK

Actually, this would be my first official wedding gig. Or photography gig, for that matter. But believe me, I've got the eye. And my Nikon is state of the art.

MAX

Oh, I've got a Nikon too. It's an N64 with 3D matrix metering, 35 to 210 zoom. What have you got?

KIRK

It's a Nikon.

LORELAI

I gotta tell you Kirk, these are really good for amateur shots.

KIRK

Thanks. That's me and my parents on vacation in the Berkshires.

MAX

Hm, nice looking family.

KIRK

And those are some self-portraits.

LORELAI

Aahh! Kirk, you're nude!

KIRK

No no, I'm wearing Speedos. They're kind of flesh colored.

MAX

Wait a minute. I recognize this.

KIRK

Nice photo, huh?

MAX

This is VJ Day, New York, 1945.

KIRK

Right. I include it as an example of the excellence that I aspire to.

LORELAI

How much for your services?

KIRK

How about a hundred and fifty an hour?

LORELAI

How about lunch and the cost of the film?

KIRK

You won't be sorry.

LORELAI

Done.

KIRK

I thank you.

LORELAI

Bye. [Kirk leaves]

MAX

Oh, uh, what time is it?

LORELAI

Ten...

MAX

Ten of?

LORELAI

Three.

MAX

I have to go.

LORELAI

No!

MAX

I have to.

LORELAI

You're always going.

MAX

Well, luckily that'll all change soon.

LORELAI

Yes it will. Two weeks from now you won't have to get going 'cause it's here you'll be going. To. Going or going to?

MAX

I'd add the to.

LORELAI

Hm. Going to. You make me smarter.

MAX

Hm, well, I am a teacher.

LORELAI

Hey, hey, don't. Stay longer.

MAX

I can't.

LORELAI

Take me upstairs and see if you can get me into Mensa.

MAX

It's gonna take me forever to get back into the city, and I gotta get up early to let the painters in.

LORELAI

Hey, do you have to be there while they work?

MAX

What do you mean?

LORELAI

Well, isn't your apartment gonna be all paint fumey?

MAX

Yeah, so?

LORELAI

So, maybe you should stay here.

MAX

Here?

LORELAI

Yeah. Instead of driving back and forth all weekend, sleep over. I mean, it's gonna be your place too soon enough. Look at it like a trial run.

MAX

A trial run.

LORELAI

It'll be fun.

MAX

You think you're ready for me?

LORELAI

I'm always ready for you.

MAX

Full time?

LORELAI

I insist.

MAX

He was not wearing Speedos.

LORELAI

Ugh, don't talk about the photo.

MAX

The man was buck naked.

LORELAI

Offer rescinded if this line of conversation proceeds.

MAX

I'll be back.

LORELAI

Bye hon.

DEAN

So, what are we doing tonight?

RORY

I'll do whatever.

DEAN

Well, what movies haven't we seen?

RORY

We haven't seen just about all of them.

DEAN

Yeah, they all stink this year.

RORY

They definitely do underestimate our intelligence.

DEAN

Plus they stink.

RORY

There are at least five of them featuring someone doing something disgusting with a cow.

DEAN

Yeah. I mean, they should at least do something disgusting with a different animal.

RORY

We can watch "Holy Grail" on tape again.

DEAN

Okay, but I am not talking in an English accent for the rest of the evening.

RORY

No fun. Hey, tomorrow night?

DEAN

"Life of Brian?"

RORY

Max is staying over.

DEAN

Really?

RORY

First time. And to kind of celebrate, he and my mom wanted to go on a double date.

DEAN

But tomorrow's our anniversary.

RORY

No it's not, it's on the twenty-fourth.

DEAN

No, that was our old anniversary. We broke up and got back together on the sixth. So using the twenty-fourth wouldn't be an accurate account of how long we've been together.

RORY

Unless you consider our time apart as a temporary moratorium on our relationship. You know, like the time kept passing, and we were on a sabbatical.

DEAN

Yeah, it's complicated.

RORY

Very.

DEAN

So a double date, with adults?

RORY

No, just with Mom and Max.

DEAN

What'll it be, like dinner and dancing?

RORY

Yes, and then we'll enjoy brandy and cigars. No, we'll probably just grab a bite.

DEAN

All right, we can do that.

RORY

Hey, let's have two anniversaries. We can celebrate twice a month. They're well spread apart, the sixth and the twenty-fourth.

DEAN

We can't do that.

RORY

Who's gonna stop us?

DEAN

Twice a month?

RORY

Dare to be different.

DEAN

Twice a month it is.

LORELAI

Why won't you let me help?

MAX

Because you're a danger to the process.

LORELAI

That's not true!

MAX

I've got numerous scars.

LORELAI

I cut you that one...two times, and I've helped you tons of times.

MAX

You helped me twice and both time you cut me.

LORELAI

Well, I do like watching you cook.

MAX

I like you watching me cook.

RORY

[walking into kitchen] What's that weird smell?

LORELAI

It's food!

MAX

It smells weird?

RORY

No, just weird for this house. It smells great.

MAX

Rory, could you get that?

RORY

What?

MAX

Uh, right down there. Uh, shiny handle.

LORELAI

Ugh! Did you know we had that?

RORY

Not a clue.

MAX

Oh come on.

LORELAI

Hey, it's on fire!

MAX

It's the broiler.

RORY

Wow.

MAX

What fallout shelter have you guys been living in?

RORY

He has much knowledge.

LORELAI

We shall form a cult around him.

RORY

Build a statue many stories high.

LORELAI

We shall grow our hair long and stop bathing.

MAX

Please, don't do any of that.

RORY

Are we eating at the table?

MAX

Wherever you want.

LORELAI

TV?

RORY

I'll get a tape.

LORELAI

Can I at least grab some dishes?

MAX

Far away from me.

LORELAI

Alarmist.

TV

'You don't learn very fast Injun.'

LORELAI

How fast do you learn Billy Jack?

TV

'Fast enough.'

RORY

Billy Jack, I'm gonna kill you if it's the last thing I do.

LORELAI

Ugh, he so jinxed himself with that one.

RORY

Yeah, he should've said 'Billy Jack, I'm gonna kill you or buy myself a lovely chenille sweater.'

LORELAI

Ooh, yeah, either way he wins.

MAX

How many times have you seen this movie?

LORELAI

I'm out of digits.

RORY

You can't see a Billy Jack movie too many times.

MAX

Who's the guy Billy Jack's. . .

LORELAI

Shh shh shh!

TV

'All right you cats. Very slowly now.'

LORELAI

Let's do some jumping jacks.

TV

'Spread out. One.'

RORY

Oh it's the counting part.

TV

'He means it Daniel.' 'Two.'

LORELAI

Ooh, here comes my favorite and my least favorite line all rolled into one.

TV

'I'm gonna cut your bowels out.'

LORELAI

Ughughugh.

RORY

Ahh, yuck!

TV

'Three.'

LORELAI

Ooh, comeuppance time!

MAX

You guys talk throughout the whole movie and then when I say something, you shush me.

LORELAI

That's because you're talking through parts we talked through last time, so we haven't seen those parts in awhile.

MAX

Ah, well now it's clear.

LORELAI

Max?

MAX

What? The phone?

LORELAI

Whoever's closest answers.

RORY

House rule.

MAX

You're both closer.

LORELAI

Oh, but I'd have to walk around the coffee table so my path would be farther.

RORY

And my foot's asleep.

LORELAI

Plus you're taller.

RORY

With longer legs.

LORELAI

Yes, so even if we all left for the phone at exactly the same time...

MAX

I got it. [goes to answer phone]

LORELAI

I'm gonna like having him around.

LORELAI

You want a refill?

RORY

Sure, same thing.

LORELAI

Max?

RORY

Uh oh.

LORELAI

We wore him out.

RORY

We tend to do that.

LORELAI

Well, we are ElectraWoman and DynaGirl.

MAX

ElectraWoman.

RORY

I think it's time to turn in.

LORELAI

Yeah.

MAX

I'm awake.

RORY

You don't look it.

MAX

No, I am. I'm just waiting for the guy with the thing on the...

RORY

Mom, get him to bed.

LORELAI

Yeah, okay. Come on hon.

MAX

What happened to Billy Jack?

LORELAI

I'll explain it to you later.

RORY

Goodnight.

LORELAI

Goodnight.

MAX

Goodnight.

LORELAI

[whispers] Is this weird?

RORY

[shrugs]

LORELAI

Hey.

RORY

What? What is it?

LORELAI

Oh nothing. Whatcha doing?

RORY

Taking back Poland.

LORELAI

Oh, good luck with that.

RORY

Mom.

LORELAI

I have a boy in my room

RORY

So?

LORELAI

So I have a boy in my room.

RORY

It's Max.

LORELAI

I know.

RORY

You like Max.

LORELAI

No, uhh, yes, I do, but it's weird. We've never had a man in the house like this up there.

RORY

He's your fiancé.

LORELAI

Very true.

RORY

So all you need to do is adjust. It's like that time you got the green stripes in your hair.

LORELAI

I hated those green stripes.

RORY

Well, I'm tired. I can think of a better example tomorrow.

LORELAI

No, wake up, wake up. We've not properly talked about this.

RORY

About what?

LORELAI

About having Max in the house. About the effect on you. Don't cover up anything. Let's get it all out in the open.

RORY

I don't have anything to cover up. I like Max.

LORELAI

I know you do, and that's good. But you know, once we are married, nothing will ever be the same again.

RORY

I know.

LORELAI

It won't just be the 'me and you secret special clubhouse no boys allowed' thing anymore.

RORY

It will be different.

LORELAI

Not just different. Our lives as we know them will be over.

RORY

Mom, we're not dying.

LORELAI

No, we're not dying. But the life we had is gonna morph into this like mutation that we could never possibly have conceived.

RORY

Like the giant ants in "Them"?

LORELAI

Metaphorically speaking, yes. And I don't want it to be like giant ants, so that's why I'm talking about it now.

RORY

I am in no way anticipating being attacked by giant man-eating ants because Max is living here.

LORELAI

Good. Good.

RORY

Weirdo.

LORELAI

You know, you can't walk around in the buff anymore.

RORY

I don't remember ever walking around in the buff.

LORELAI

I know one time you did.

RORY

Was I three?

LORELAI

Somewhere around there.

RORY

Does he hog the bed?

LORELAI

No. He's a very 'stay on his side' kinda guy.

RORY

Good.

LORELAI

He's cute. He wears pajama bottoms.

RORY

Stop.

LORELAI

Not funny ones. I hate funny bottoms.

RORY

I'm gonna call you Funny Bottoms from now on.

LORELAI

Nuh uh!

RORY

Aren't you happy?

LORELAI

Yes. I'm happy.

RORY

Well, then it'll be fine. You'll get used to it, having Max there.

LORELAI

I know. You're right. I will. I will get used to it. [closes her eys]

RORY

Mom.

LORELAI

Hm?

RORY

You're falling asleep.

LORELAI

So?

RORY

You need to be a big girl and go to your own room.

LORELAI

Okay. [pretends she can't get up] Uh, uh...

RORY

Fine, ten more minutes

LORELAI

Thank you.

LUKE

More?

TAYLOR

Absotivalutely.

LUKE

What's up Taylor?

TAYLOR

Up, I know of nothing up.

LUKE

What's up Taylor?

TAYLOR

I'm just happy.

LUKE

That's what makes me nervous.

TAYLOR

You're a paranoid man Luke. I feel very sad for you.

LUKE

Over there.

LORELAI

Uh, can you clear that one off?

LUKE

Why?

LORELAI

'Cause it's bigger.

LUKE

So.

LORELAI

Well, we're three today.

LUKE

Three?

LORELAI

Yeah, Max is with us.

LUKE

Max, huh? So when did Max become invisible to the human eye?

LORELAI

He's on a paper hunt.

RORY

Max likes his three papers in the morning. The Hartford Courant, the New York Times, and the Wall Street Journal.

LUKE

Three papers.

LORELAI

He likes to be well informed.

LUKE

Yeah, well, reading three papers all reporting the same news is a terrific use of trees.

LORELAI

You be nice Luke, I mean it.

MAX

Hey there.

LUKE

Max, buddy, top of the morning to you! Hey, you look good today. Brown is your color, my friend.

MAX

Thanks.

LORELAI

So?

MAX

I got two out of three.

RORY

Not bad

MAX

No one has the Wall Street Journal.

RORY

Well this isn't a very financially oriented town.

LORELAI

Yes, it's more oriented to coffee.

LUKE

I've got the blueberry pancakes this morning.

LORELAI

Bring 'em.

RORY

Bring 'em twice.

LUKE

And you?

MAX

I'm gonna need a minute.

LORELAI

Oh. Well, then, hold off.

RORY

Same here.

LUKE

I might run out of the pancakes.

MAX

Go ahead, order. I'll just be a minute.

LORELAI

No that's okay. We'll wait.

LUKE

I'm almost out and I can't make more.

LORELAI

Set some aside.

LUKE

It's first come, first serve.

RORY

We'll take our chances.

LORELAI

Yes, we'll wait.

LUKE

Whatever. [walks away]

MAX

You didn't need to do that.

LORELAI

Aww, happy to.

LORELAI

Okay, yeah, that's still eggs and all your basic breakfast stuff up there.

MAX

Just order.

RORY

We're fine.

MAX

I want you guys to go at your normal pace. My rhythm might not necessarily be your rhythm. [Luke walks over, hands Max another menu] What's this?

LUKE

It's the lunch menu. I stop serving breakfast in an hour.

LORELAI

Luke.

MAX

I'll have poached eggs.

LORELAI

And blueberry pancakes!!

RORY

Did we make it?!

LUKE

I already set 'em aside.

LORELAI

Love ya!

LUKE

What the hell they doing out there?

TAYLOR

What? Who is that?

LUKE

What are they doing Taylor?

TAYLOR

Looks like they're coning off the street.

LUKE

Taylor.

TAYLOR

Well, if you must know, they are a county work crew here to install Stars Hollow's first traffic light and metered crosswalk. [Luke rushes outside] Luke!

LUKE

[to work crew] Hold it!

TAYLOR

[to work crew] Keep going. [to Luke] You have no controlling legal authority over this matter.

LUKE

Stuff it Taylor. Hold it!

TAYLOR

Keep going. And I will not stuff it.

LUKE

What authority did you have to authorize this? You're supposed to inform local business owners of major projects per the town's rules, meaning me.

TAYLOR

Not when it's a matter of dire public safety, where the city charter clearly states that I can function unilaterally in the town's best interest.

LUKE

Dire public safety! We haven't had an accident here in ten years!

TAYLOR

You can't stop progress Luke.

LORELAI

Traffic light, huh?

LUKE

It's unbelievable.

LORELAI

Well, it can always be taken out...with your bare hands or your teeth.

LUKE

Yeah, I guess.

LORELAI

Hey, did you get my invitation?

LUKE

The what?

LORELAI

My wedding invitation for my wedding 'cause I'm wedding Max.

LUKE

Oh yeah, yeah. It's in a pile upstairs somewhere.

LORELAI

Good, good. So are you coming?

LUKE

You know, I gotta make some calls about this thing before it's too late. I'll see you later.

LORELAI

Okay. Uh...

MAX

Ugh, I can barely walk.

LORELAI

Bad shoes?

MAX

I ate a cow.

LORELAI

You had a steak.

MAX

Plus the sides. Four people, six baked potatoes.

LORELAI

Uh, you always exaggerate.

MAX

Am I exaggerating?

DEAN

Nope.

RORY

Ooh, ice cream! [runs off]

LORELAI

Ooh, I'm right behind you! [runs off]

MAX

How can they possibly eat more?

DEAN

Kind of surprised.

MAX

I know. They're bottomless pits.

DEAN

I mean at you. You've known them long enough not to be so confused.

MAX

Oh, I'm not confused. I'm just . . . what do you mean?

DEAN

Their eating habits are just the start of what you're gonna have to get used to. There's tons of stuff you should be aware of.

MAX

Really?

DEAN

Oh yeah. Like, don't ever use the last of the parmesan cheese. And never get into a heavy discussion late at night 'cause that's when they're at their crankiest. Oh, and uh, go with their bits.

MAX

Their bits?

DEAN

Yeah, like, if you're eating pizza with them and Lorelai decides that the pepperoni is angry at the mushrooms because the mushrooms have an attitude and then she holds up a pepperoni and the pepperoni asks for your opinion...don't just laugh. Answer the pepperoni.

MAX

Answer the pepperoni.

DEAN

And don't let them near puppies 'cause they'll want to take home every one.

MAX

Oh, that one I knew.

DEAN

Oh, and uh, here's a big one. If you ever think that they're doing something crazy, they're not. You see, after a while, their thinking becomes clear, but by the time it's clear, they've already done two other totally crazy things that you can't figure out. So there's no catching up.

MAX

You have much knowledge.

DEAN

You got that from Rory.

MAX

Right.

DEAN

Oh, and hey, does Lorelai know what kind of ice cream you like?

MAX

Yeah, chocolate chip. But I already told her that I...

LORELAI

Hey, chocolate chip. [hands him an ice cream cone]

MAX

Thanks.

LORELAI

You're welcome.

LORELAI

Ugh, I'm so full. Why'd you let me eat so much?

DEAN

Yeah, they'll blame you.

MAX

It's past eleven guys.

RORY

Okay.

LORELAI

Mm.

MAX

How ya doing?

LORELAI

Mm, I'm stable.

MAX

You're a lovely shade of puce.

LORELAI

Don't say puce. It sounds too much like another word I don't wanna hear right now.

MAX

Sorry. You know they're still outside.

LORELAI

Who?

MAX

Rory and Dean.

LORELAI

Oh.

MAX

How long you think they'll be out there?

LORELAI

I don't know.

MAX

So there's no time limit or anything?

LORELAI

Yes. As soon as they both get tired of saying 'No, you're prettier' to each other, then the night's over.

MAX

Lorelai, come on.

LORELAI

What?

MAX

Well, I'm gonna be living here soon.

LORELAI

I know that.

MAX

So I just thought I should know what the procedure is when stuff like this comes up.

LORELAI

Stuff like what?

MAX

Say you're not here, I come home, there's Rory and Dean in the dark all alone after eleven. I mean, how do I handle stuff like that?

LORELAI

Oh, Max, Rory is very low maintenance. Kind of like that robot kid in A.I., only way less mother-obsessed. Oh my God, that kid was so annoying. I would've pushed him out of the car while it was still moving.

MAX

Well, what if I catch them one night making out on the couch?

LORELAI

Umm...well, turn off the light?

MAX

You're not being serious.

LORELAI

Max, they're teenagers. They can kiss a little bit.

MAX

Okay, well, what do I do if Rory comes home drunk?

LORELAI

Come on!

MAX

It happens.

LORELAI

Not to Rory it doesn't.

MAX

I know. But theoretically, just in a make believe world, if she did, what would I do?

LORELAI

Nothing.

MAX

Excuse me?

LORELAI

No, you would do nothing. I would handle it.

MAX

So basically, I have no role in Rory's life.

LORELAI

Max, Rory's done. She's brought up, she's Rory. You don't need a role.

MAX

Fine.

LORELAI

I don't see the problem here.

MAX

Clearly. So, I should do nothing around here ever.

LORELAI

No, not nothing ever.

MAX

What then?

LORELAI

Well, making the garlic bread the other night was really good.

MAX

So other than making the garlic bread and answering the phone, what else is my role around here?

LORELAI

Well, you're my fella. You're my guy, you're my old man.

MAX

What does that entail?

LORELAI

All things dirty.

MAX

I'm not joking here. We're getting married Lorelai.

LORELAI

I know.

MAX

Well, that means we're taking two separate lives and melding them together. I mean, how do you think that's gonna work?

LORELAI

I don't know.

MAX

Well, have you given it any thought at all?

LORELAI

Not really. No, I...I mean, but I will! But I...I'll start now.

MAX

How would you feel if I told you I haven't thought about our future at all?

LORELAI

Terrible, I would feel terrible, I'm sorry. I mean it, I'm sorry. Please come here. Remember, it's all those little annoying quirks that make me the fascinating woman you fell in love with. Hmm? [they kiss]

MAX

Really not fair.

LORELAI

I've got a lingerie drawer full of not fair, mister.

MAX

Okay. I mean, we didn't need to get into this tonight. I definitely broke Dean's late night cranky rule.

LORELAI

Who's what?

MAX

Nothing.

TAYLOR

Welcome townspeople! I... [crumbled up piece of paper hits him in the head] So you're gonna spoil it for all of us right off the bat, huh Luke?

LUKE

Why waste time?

SOOKIE

What about dinner?

LORELAI

Oh, you don't eat dinner at a bachelorette party.

SOOKIE

You gotta eat.

LORELAI

No, you gotta drink, dance, party and drink some more.

SOOKIE

We'll all hurl before the night's half over.

TAYLOR

This is all very fascinating.

LORELAI

Oh, sorry Teach. We'll keep it down.

TAYLOR

How about keeping it silent?

LORELAI

[whispers] Way down.

TAYLOR

Or zipping it shut?

LORELAI

[in high voice] Little tiny mice voices.

TAYLOR

Townspeople, we should all be proud of the new addition to our streets. I know many of you have wanted a traffic light and a crosswalk for many years...

LUKE

What?

TAYLOR

...and now, your dream has come true.

LUKE

It's like Hitler's Germany.

TAYLOR

Luke!

LUKE

You're trying to brainwash us, Taylor. Telling us we want something that we don't and not giving us any choice.

LORELAI

Luke, shish! We're planning.

LUKE

I heard, and you're idiots if you don't eat first.

TAYLOR

Everybody, let me segue into the informational portion of our gathering. If I can turn your attention to the pole here, you will see a yellow button with an instructional panel right above it.

MISS PATTY

Oh my God. That's the biggest yellow button I've ever seen.

TAYLOR

Now if you'll read the panel above the button, you'll learn how the system works.

MISS PATTY

'To cross street, push yellow button, wait for walk signal. When signal reads walk, step into street and proceed to the other side.'

LUKE

It's written for morons.

BABETTE

In big stupid letters too!

MOREY

I hate being infantalized.

TAYLOR

Does no one here care about this fate of near accidents we have suffered over the past year?

LUKE

Near accidents. Meaning they didn't happen.

TAYLOR

Just because they didn't happen doesn't mean that we shouldn't ward against them.

LUKE

There's lots of things that don't happen that we don't ward against.

TAYLOR

Like?

LUKE

Like everything.

TAYLOR

So that everything doesn't happen here, meaning nothing happens?

LUKE

No, it's not nothing happens. Stuff happens. It's that it...it's not everything that's...it's...Dammit Taylor!

TAYLOR

Ha! Now, for some interesting stats...[voice fades into background]

LORELAI

So let's see. That's you, me, Miss Patty, Rory, Babette. Babette, you're coming right?

BABETTE

Doll, I'm sorry. I'm not gonna be able to make it.

LORELAI

Babette, no.

BABETTE

We're having Morey's parents over for dinner, and if you cancel on 'em last minute, they'll stick a red-hot poker up your 'you know where'.

LORELAI

Oh, well, we'll miss you.

BABETTE

Yeah, well stick your hand down the front of some guy's pants for me, would ya?

LORELAI

I hope you're talking about a stripper.

BABETTE

Whatever.

TAYLOR

...Now the length of the walk signal's duration has thoughtfully been timed to accommodate the pace of Stars Hollow's oldest living resident. So, to inaugurate the signal, our beloved Mrs. Lanahan is going to push the button and lead the first historic group across the street. Ready with the camera Kirk?

KIRK

Rolling. [starts taking pictures]

MISS PATTY

Uh, the cap is still on the lens, dear.

KIRK

Oh thanks.

LORELAI

I'm not wearing a veil at the party.

SOOKIE

But the bride always wears a veil at the bachelorette party.

LORELAI

I'm not wearing a veil at the wedding.

SOOKIE

You're not? I love veils!

LORELAI

Nah, we're going cas Sook.

SOOKIE

But it's a big day, you gotta have some pomp.

LUKE

You should elope and get it over with.

SOOKIE

No one asked you.

LORELAI

Believe me, eloping was not out of the question.

SOOKIE

But you don't get a wedding over with.

LUKE

Why not? It's a bureaucratic civil ceremony, a pretty pointless one.

SOOKIE

Agh! Don't listen to him.

LORELAI

Ah, he's just being Luke

LUKE

It's not biologically natural for people to mate for life. Animals don't mate for life. Well, ducks do, but who the hell cares what ducks do?

LORELAI

Luke.

LUKE

I mean, people grow and evolve their whole lives. The chances that you're gonna grow and evolve at the same rate as someone else...too slim to take. The minute you say 'I do', you're sticking yourself in a tiny little box for the rest of your life. But hey, at least you had a party first, right?

SOOKIE

Okay, I'm tired of you now. We're gonna finish this conversation away from Crotchety Guy. [Sookie pulls Lorelai away]

MISS PATTY

Oh, this place looks like fun!

RORY

They're never gonna let me in.

LORELAI

They will let you in.

MICHEL

This is a felony, you know, corrupting a minor. We'll all end up in the bookie.

RORY

He's right. We're all going to the bookie.

LORELAI

Sweetie, don't say bookie. It's creepy.

SOOKIE

Just try to look older.

RORY

How?

SOOKIE

Look like you're thinking about retirements or 401Ks and stuff.

MICHEL

Yes, you should've brought your fake beard and mustache.

LORELAI

Who invited Mister Schnickelfritz?

SOOKIE

He heard us planning and wanted to come.

MICHEL

I did not know the evening included babysitting.

LORELAI

She's going to get in. [cell phone rings] Sorry. Hey!

MAX

So my bachelor party's come to a screeching halt.

LORELAI

What? Why?

MAX

There's been an accident. I'm fine, but we're at the hospital.

LORELAI

Oh my God, what happened?

MAX

We're coming out of the restaurant and we're heading toward our next stop when my brother decides to leap frog over a parking meter.

LORELAI

Why did he do that?

MAX

Middle child.

LORELAI

Poor Jan.

MAX

Anyway, he didn't make it.

LORELAI

Ugh. Ouch. How drunk was he?

MAX

He claims he wasn't drunk. He's saying that the parking meters in Hartford are taller then the parking meters in Deluth so he just miscalculated.

LORELAI

Huh.

MAX

Yup.

MAX'S BROTHER

I've got a concussion. I'm good. Let's drink.

MAX

Hold on a second. You got a concussion?

MAX'S BROTHER

Yeah, it's a little one...

LORELAI

What is he saying?

MAX

It's a mild concussion. We're gonna take him home.

LORELAI

All right, well take him home, and then go hit a strip club.

MAX

Excuse me?

LORELAI

I am telling you, this is your last chance to look at another woman's breastage.

MAX

Point well taken. I'll call you tomorrow. [they hang up]

SOOKIE

Okay, new rule for the evening. No calls to fiancés or boyfriends or anything else like that. It's girls' night out. Plus Michel.

LORELAI

Hey.

BOUNCER

It's twelve bucks. And it's eighteen and over.

SOOKIE

Oh, she's eighteen.

RORY

That's right. Last week. So it's a new eighteen, but it's eighteen, yup.

BOUNCER

You got some ID?

LORELAI

Hey, uh, sir, make way for Rory. That's her name. And her only name. Rory. Single name, she's that important. Internationally known international supermodel and sometimes spokesperson for international products.

SOOKIE

She's very big in Germany.

LORELAI

Yah, yah, yah, with the Lederhosen and such.

BOUNCER

Twelve bucks.

LORELAI

Thank you.

SOOKIE

Danke schön, cutie.

MICHEL

This is a drag club.

SOOKIE

It's called the Queen Victoria. What did you expect, tea and crumpets?

LORELAI

Aw, you guys, I guess we're gonna have to stand.

SOOKIE

Wait, that one looks open.

LORELAI

Oh.

SOOKIE

Oh my God.

LORELAI

What in Lucifer's reach is my mother doing here?

MICHEL

Oh, I invited her.

LORELAI

You what?

MICHEL

Just a little surprise for you. I thought it would be a kick.

LORELAI

Excuse me sir, you look just like my mother.

RORY

Hi Grandma. Come here often?

EMILY

I should say not. How did you get in?

RORY

Oh, apparently, I'm an internationally known supermodel.

EMILY

Happy bachelorette party, Lorelai.

LORELAI

Thank you Mother.

EMILY

And in the future, when you plan one of these things, and you tell a person to show up at eight o'clock, it is considered good manners for you to also show up at eight o'clock.

LORELAI

Well, I didn't exactly invite you mother, Michel did.

EMILY

Ah, well, I feel much better now.

LORELAI

Huh, let's drink.

MISS PATTY

Looks like Emily's gotten a head start. What are you drinking honey?

EMILY

Manhattan. Good too. Not too sweet. I ordered it from that nice fellow dressed as Joan Crawford.

MICHEL

So, is there no dancing here? I was hoping there'd be dancing.

SOOKIE

You need to strut Tony Minero?

MICHEL

It is a weekend and on the weekend I like to move, and the ladies, they like it too.

LORELAI

Especially when you move out of town. Ba zing!

EMILY

Has she eaten?

SOOKIE

Yeah. About a quart of wine.

LORELAI

Hmm, hi Mae West.

WAITRESS

What can I get for you?

MICHEL

My dignity back.

LORELAI

We'll have a rum and coke, a margarita no salt, martini with olives, a Shirley Temple...

WAITRESS

Love her!

RORY

I'll have her on the rocks please.

LORELAI

And uh, I will have a giant Long Island iced tea.

WAITRESS

Coming up. [leaves]

EMILY

So Lorelai, how are you feeling?

LORELAI

Um, well, I'm tipsy, but just short of seeing pink elephants.

EMILY

No, I mean about you getting married. It's only a week away.

LORELAI

I'm fine. Everything's fine. I figured once I got the shoes to match the dress, the rest was just gravy.

EMILY

I must say, I admire your composure. The week before my wedding, I was a wreck.

MISS PATTY

So was I, before all of mine.

SOOKIE

How many was that?

MISS PATTY

Well, uh, there was Sinjin, John, Sergio, Sinjin. Three men, four times.

SOOKIE

Do you regret any of them?

MISS PATTY

Well, Sinjin was a let down the second time, but he was my Burton and I was his Taylor. Just wish I could've found a little Mike Todd there in the middle.

EMILY

You know, I can't believe it was 34 years ago that I married Richard. I remember it so distinctly.

SOOKIE

Ooh, this is gonna be a romantic story.

EMILY

My stomach was not my friend. It was full of butterflies, I couldn't eat a bite the whole week.

LORELAI

Hmm, what a bummer.

EMILY

I was actually weak in the knees. Trembling all the time, can you imagine?

RORY

Really?

EMILY

When I wasn't actually with Richard, I was thinking about him. Constantly. Imagining what he was doing, was he thinking about me? Making up little scenarios in my head about how we'd run into each other accidentally at the club. And he would be playing golf and I would walk by and he would be so distracted that he'd completely miss the ball. Silly.

SOOKIE

It's sweet.

EMILY

I was in love

MICHEL

It is wonderful to be in love

EMILY

But the thing I remember most was that for the entire week before my wedding, I'd wait 'til my mother went to sleep, and I'd sneak out of bed and I'd put on my wedding dress and my tiara and my gloves, and I would stare at myself in the mirror and think how very safe I felt. How very right and wise and honored. This is a very good drink. I highly recommend it.

SOOKIE

Okay, I have got to make a call.

MISS PATTY

Are you calling Jackson?

SOOKIE

No. Well yes, but it's only because I need to pick up something I left at his house, that if it's still there, I should. . .hi honey, it's me. [leaves table]

EMILY

And who are you writing to?

RORY

I just want to see if Dean's around.

EMILY

And thinking about you?

MISS PATTY

Oh no, not you too.

LORELAI

No, it's just..it's...I'll be quick. [walks away from the table, dials her cell phone] Hi.

CHRISTOPHER

Hi. Who's this?

LORELAI

It's Trixie from the other night. You never called me.

CHRISTOPHER

Lorelai?

LORELAI

Uh, you got me. Whatcha doing?

CHRISTOPHER

I'm just hanging out. What are you doing?

LORELAI

I'm at a bachelorette party.

CHRISTOPHER

Oh cool. Who's?

LORELAI

Mine.

CHRISTOPHER

Yours? Wow.

LORELAI

I know. I'm still kinda 'wow' about it myself.

CHRISTOPHER

Well who's the lucky guy?

LORELAI

Oh, you don't know him. His name's Max.

CHRISTOPHER

Right. Max.

LORELAI

You do know him?

CHRISTOPHER

Uh, Rory mentioned him. She didn't mention it was serious.

LORELAI

Well, it wasn't. We hooked up, and then it was going good, then we broke up 'cause one of us kinda freaked out...

CHRISTOPHER

You freaked out.

LORELAI

I freaked out. And then we got back together and it suddenly got very serious.

CHRISTOPHER

So is he worthy?

LORELAI

Is anyone?

CHRISTOPHER

Bono, maybe? Brian Ferry?

LORELAI

Get serious.

CHRISTOPHER

A young Tom Waits?

LORELAI

Now you're talking.

CHRISTOPHER

So what's he like?

LORELAI

He's great.

CHRISTOPHER

Could you be a little more vague?

LORELAI

I don't know. He's Max. He's great.

CHRISTOPHER

Well, what's his CD collection like?

LORELAI

Don't read into his CD collection.

CHRISTOPHER

Jazz, classical, what's the story?

LORELAI

It's a kind of a general collection.

CHRISTOPHER

Uh oh.

LORELAI

Uh, Christopher.

CHRISTOPHER

Are we talking a dozen soundtracks, a few Beatles, a Bob Dylan, plus a generic fifty?

LORELAI

I said don't.

CHRISTOPHER

Alanis Morissette?

LORELAI

Hey, a lot of people knee-jerked and bought that first one of hers. Cut him some slack.

CHRISTOPHER

Dave Matthews?

LORELAI

A couple of his things are good.

CHRISTOPHER

Buena Vista Social Club?

LORELAI

Stop it.

CHRISTOPHER

Enya?

LORELAI

I'm gonna hit you.

CHRISTOPHER

We're on the phone.

LORELAI

I'm gonna come over there and hit you.

CHRISTOPHER

You're at your bachelorette party.

LORELAI

Right. Right.

CHRISTOPHER

So why are you calling me?

LORELAI

Um, because you know me really well.

CHRISTOPHER

Yes I do.

LORELAI

And I just wanted to tell someone who knows me really well that I am getting married.

CHRISTOPHER

Well, as someone who knows you really well, I say congratulations. If you found the guy, I think that's great.

LORELAI

And you can picture me married, right?

CHRISTOPHER

Yeah. To the right guy, I can picture you married.

LORELAI

Thanks.

CHRISTOPHER

You should get back to your party.

LORELAI

Right, right. He's a great guy, Max.

CHRISTOPHER

Yeah, I'm sure he is. I was just kidding around.

LORELAI

I know. Well, I'll talk to you later.

CHRISTOPHER

Bye. Hey, can you put Trixie back on the phone?

LORELAI

Bye.

LORELAI

Hey.

RORY

Hey.

LORELAI

Michel leave?

SOOKIE

Nope. He said he had to shake his thing. So how's your guy?

LORELAI

Hmm?

SOOKIE

How's Max doing?

LORELAI

Fine. Fine, everything's just fine.

LORELAI

I think I know what an aneurysm feels like before you have it.

SOOKIE

Like a baseball the size of a cantaloupe in your head.

LORELAI

[giggle] Good one.

SOOKIE

What?

LORELAI

Baseball the size of a cantaloupe.

SOOKIE

Yeah.

LORELAI

'Cause a baseball can only be one size, so it's a Yogi Berra type thing.

SOOKIE

Yogi Bear?

LORELAI

No. Forget it.

MICHEL

I feel like crap on toast.

LORELAI

Hey, where were you after you broke off from the group?

MICHEL

Oh, I sat at a table with Janet Jackson and Celine Dion. Very nice guys. Oh, by the way, your husband-to-be is out there looking annoyingly perky. Slap him or I will.

MAX

Hey!

LORELAI

Ahhh.

MAX

So what'd I do?

LORELAI

You spoke in a normal volume

MAX

Sorry.

LORELAI

You did nothing wrong, I'm just mad you're not more hungover.

MAX

I tried, I did.

LORELAI

Ah, liar.

MAX

I drank copiously.

LORELAI

People who drank copiously the night before do not use words like copiously.

MAX

Ask my brother.

LORELAI

How is Mr. McMeterHopper?

MAX

Ironically, he feels better than you.

LORELAI

Uh, it's so wrong.

MAX

He's fine. So I was gonna drop my printer off at the house but Rory wasn't there, and guess who doesn't possess his own set of keys yet.

LORELAI

Ahh, guessing it's you.

MAX

Still me.

LORELAI

Max, I'm sorry, I forgot.

MAX

Again.

LORELAI

Again. You're mad.

MAX

No. A little.

LORELAI

They're just keys.

MAX

Try being without them and say that.

LORELAI

I've lost my keys before.

MAX

Well, I haven't lost them. I never got 'em.

LORELAI

You'll get them.

MAX

I'm trying really hard not to read too much into this.

LORELAI

Like what?

MAX

Like you don't want me having keys or you don't want me coming in the house.

LORELAI

Max, that's crazy.

MAX

Well, I need keys.

LORELAI

Well, I need an assistant.

MAX

No, you need to think about someone other than yourself for a few minutes a day.

LORELAI

Ouch.

MAX

That was too strong. Maybe I am a little hungover.

LORELAI

It's not a good day for keys or communication.

MAX

You know what, I'll just bring the printer by later.

LORELAI

Yeah, bring it tomorrow.

MAX

I'll bring it tomorrow.

LORELAI

Okay. I'll have the keys.

RORY

I can't believe school's already starting.

LORELAI

Ugh. I used to hate school starting. I once flipped the pages back in a calendar my mom kept in the kitchen and tried to convince her it was June and not September.

RORY

Didn't work?

LORELAI

Hmm, oddly enough.

RORY

I got an interesting call today. [sits at the table]

LORELAI

Oh yeah, who?

RORY

Dad.

LORELAI

Cool. How is he? I..I..I talked to him last night.

RORY

He mentioned that.

LORELAI

Yeah, I was about to mention it myself.

RORY

That's quite a coincidence.

LORELAI

Yeah. Did I not mention it last night?

RORY

Huh, no, not to my knowledge.

LORELAI

I could've sworn I did.

RORY

Why'd you call him?

LORELAI

Oh, just to check in.

RORY

At your bachelorette party?

LORELAI

Seemed as good a time as any.

RORY

To catch up on calls?

LORELAI

Yeah, pretty much.

RORY

Seems like a weird time.

LORELAI

Did he call just to fink on me?

RORY

No. He wanted to see what's up with you. He thought it was weird too.

LORELAI

Heaven forbid I ever use the phone again.

RORY

Was it when you told us you were calling Max?

LORELAI

Somewhere around there.

RORY

Why would you tell us you were calling Max?

LORELAI

Honey, someday when you're a little older you will be introduced to something that is extremely seductive but fickle. A fair-weather friend who seems benign but packs a wallop like a donkey kick, and that is the Long Island iced tea. The Long Island iced tea makes you do things that you normally wouldn't do, like lifting your skirt in public or calling someone you normally wouldn't call at really weird times.

RORY

I'm not looking forward to meeting the Long Island iced tea.

LORELAI

I'd definitely walk the other way.

RORY

You know, Dad wants you to be happy.

LORELAI

I know.

RORY

And I really want you to be happy.

LORELAI

I know, sweetie.

RORY

You are happy about all this, aren't you?

LORELAI

Don't I seem happy?

RORY

I guess.

LORELAI

Okay then.

RORY

All right. I'll be in my room if you need me.

LORELAI

Okay.

LORELAI

What is that?

LUKE

Oh, it's a chuppah.

LORELAI

A what?

LUKE

A chuppah. You stand under it, you and Max. It's for your wedding.

LORELAI

Did you make that?

LUKE

Yeah, I had some time, so...here, give me a hand, huh?

LORELAI

Luke, it's beautiful.

LUKE

Yeah, well, I saw a picture in a book. The picture looked better.

LORELAI

It's got carvings. Birds and flowers.

LUKE

Yeah, there's also a goat.

LORELAI

A goat!

LUKE

Yeah, I don't know what it stands for, but it was in the picture, and you like goats, right?

LORELAI

Yeah, goats are good.

LUKE

Okay, so there you go.

LORELAI

What on earth inspired you to do this?

LUKE

You're getting married. You can't just stand in the hot sun in the middle of a lawn that hasn't been mowed in weeks. I guess he doesn't mow.

LORELAI

No, Max isn't a mower.

LUKE

Okay, you needed something. Here it is. I'll mow it if you want.

LORELAI

We got a guy who does that. One of the Pete's from the nursery.

LUKE

Big Pete?

LORELAI

Little Pete.

LUKE

He's the better of the Pete's.

LORELAI

We've always thought so. Hey, aren't chuppahs Jewish?

LUKE

Maybe.

LORELAI

Is it okay that Max and I aren't Jewish?

LUKE

It's okay by me.

LORELAI

No, but I mean to stand under it. God won't smite us or anything?

LUKE

I highly doubt it. Plus God'd probably have to get a license from Taylor to do any smiting in Stars Hollow on a weekend, so I'd say your safe. You know, I wasn't putting down Max. He seems like a really good guy.

LORELAI

He is, and you were putting him down.

LUKE

Yeah, well, I didn't mean to.

LORELAI

Did you mean all those things you said about marriage?

LUKE

What things?

LORELAI

You really want me to repeat them to you?

LUKE

No. I mean, I guess, for some people marriage, you know, isn't the worst thing in the world. I mean, it's probably better than being hobbled or something like that.

LORELAI

And people can evolve together, don't you think?

LUKE

Maybe.

LORELAI

Yoko and John Lennon did. They just got closer and closer as the years went by. At the end, they had the same face.

LUKE

Yeah, it got a little spooky.

LORELAI

But cool.

LUKE

Yeah, they were lucky. I guess if you can find that one person, you know, who's willing to put up with all your crap, and doesn't want to change you or dress you or you know, make you eat French food, then marriage can be all right. But that's only if you find that person.

LORELAI

Yeah, if you find that person.

LORELAI

No one has ever made me a chuppah before.

LUKE

Well, you only get married once. Theoretically.

LORELAI

Yeah, you only get married once.

LORELAI

Pack!

RORY

What?

LORELAI

Pack.

RORY

What's going on?

LORELAI

We are hitting the road.

RORY

What?

LORELAI

Pack everything. Traveling light is for girls.

RORY

What's going on here? Why are we hitting the road?

LORELAI

We haven't taken a road trip in forever and the weather is perfect.

RORY

We can't take a road trip. You're getting married this weekend.

LORELAI

Do you have my blue swimsuit?

RORY

What about Max?

LORELAI

Sunscreen, we need sunscreen.

RORY

Mom, stop.

LORELAI

What?

RORY

Are you and Max getting married?

LORELAI

No.

RORY

Why?

LORELAI

Because I didn't want to try on my wedding dress every night.

RORY

Where are we going?

LORELAI

We don't have to.

RORY

Hot, cold, rocky, sandy, mountain, valley?

LORELAI

I didn't really have a particular spot.

RORY

Packing for all contingencies. Got it. Light layers.

LORELAI

Yeah, light layers.

RORY

Do you need a book?

LORELAI

Um, that Colette biography.

RORY

I lost your place in it.

LORELAI

That's okay. I have to start over anyway.

RORY

You got it.

LORELAI

And hurry.

RORY

Are we going tonight?

LORELAI

First thing in the morning.

RORY

Seven-ish?

LORELAI

Five-ish.

RORY

Wow.

LORELAI

It'll be more like six-ish.

RORY

Let's shoot for five-ish.

LORELAI

You are crazy, and I love it.

RORY

Wow, totally deserted.

LORELAI

We're the last ones left.

RORY

So are we almost there?

LORELAI

We're almost there and nowhere near it. All that matters is we're going.

RORY

We're practically gone already.

LORELAI

Look out world.