T2E4: “The Road Trip to Harvard”

LORELAI

Ah. No music. I can't believe we forgot to bring tunes.

RORY

Do you realize that neither of us has the vaguest idea where we are?

LORELAI

What is a road tip without tunes?

RORY

The sun is directly behind us.

LORELAI

Never been in this car for any extended period of time without playing AC/DC.

RORY

I have no idea which way it's going.

LORELAI

I need my "Highway to Hell."

RORY

It's right out the windshield there.

LORELAI

There's nothing on the radio but Top 40 and Christian Rock. Christian Rock, there's an oxymoron for you. I need my tunes.

RORY

Stop complaining about the tunes!

LORELAI

Stop complaining about our whereabouts.

RORY

Well, my complaint is legitimate, yours is infantile.

LORELAI

Okay, you're right. [turns on radio] Ooh, ooh, yee-haw, yes. Country music, must be my lucky day.

RORY

[turns off radio] We have to figure out where we're going.

LORELAI

No we don't.

RORY

Mom.

LORELAI

The point of this is to be spontaneous. To drive and land someplace we've never been and never expected to be.

RORY

Sounds risky.

LORELAI

Sounds exciting.

RORY

Serendipity has never been kind to us.

LORELAI

Ah, yes, but I talked to serendipity on the phone last night. She feels bad about how she's treated us in the past. We had a nice chat. It's all gonna be different now.

RORY

What did that sign say? It said "Don't" or "Death" on it.

LORELAI

Relax.

RORY

We're doomed!

LORELAI

Wrong. We're being guided by fate.

RORY

I think we're lost.

LORELAI

We can't be lost. We don't know where we're going.

RORY

You're going to stop before we drive into the Atlantic Ocean.

LORELAI

I'll try.

RORY

At least we'll know where we are.

LORELAI

Unless it's the Pacific. [turns on radio]

RADIO

"Coming up, a three song super set from Hootie and the Blowfish."

LORELAI

Aghhh!!!

RORY

Whaaaat!!

LORELAI

You know what, I love road food.

RORY

I love it too.

LORELAI

I mean, what can be better then what they serve at a Haden's Nut House?

RORY

Unless you don't like nuts.

LORELAI

As if those people exist. You know, if I was in a rock band touring and stuff, I'd make the bus driver stop at every Haden's Nut House we pass.

RORY

Wow, your Behind the Music is gonna be really wild.

RORY

Okay, so if we continue on the way we've been going...who are you calling?

LORELAI

[dialing her cell phone] Uh, Sookie.

RORY

Now?

LORELAI

Uh, well, I didn't get a chance to call her before we left so she doesn't know about the...

RORY

Oh.

LORELAI

Yeah.

RORY

You okay?

LORELAI

Oh, I guess. It's just, um...Hi Sookie, it's me.

SOOKIE

[at the Inn] Hi Sweetie, you on your way in?

LORELAI

Um, no, not yet. Actually, I'm um, I'm gonna be out of town for a couple of days.

SOOKIE

What?

LORELAI

Yeah, Rory and I decided to hit the road.

SOOKIE

But how can you be hitting the road? You're supposed to be getting...

LORELAI

The engagement is off, Sookie.

SOOKIE

What? What happened?

LORELAI

Well, it's a long story. I don't really wanna go into all the whats and whys and gory details right now, but you should know we all still love Max, and to figure out exactly what happened, you'd have to dig up Freud himself and have him work on me full time.

SOOKIE

Aww, honey, I'm so sorry.

LORELAI

Thanks. So I hope you didn't get too far on that cake.

SOOKIE

[looking at almost-completed 5-tier cake] No, no, no. That's one thing you can be thankful about. You caught me in plenty of time.

LORELAI

Good. I know the kind of work you were gonna put into it, and I just would've killed myself if you'd gone to all that craziness for nothing.

SOOKIE

Yeah, well, I've been so busy lately, I actually forgot about it.

LORELAI

Listen, do me a favor. Mention canceling the wedding to Miss Patty, will you? That way, by the time we get back...

SOOKIE

The whole town will know within the hour.

LORELAI

Then hopefully they will all have chatted it out of their systems before we get home.

SOOKIE

Consider it done. So where you going?

LORELAI

We have no idea.

SOOKIE

Ah, my favorite kind of trip.

LORELAI

Well, thanks. I'll talk to you soon. Just call the cell if you need anything.

SOOKIE

Okie dokie. Buh bye.

LORELAI

Bye. [hangs up]

SOOKIE

You were a good cake Clyde. I never should've named you.

LORELAI

That had better not be a map.

RORY

I'm sorry, but I'm openly defying your no map policy.

LORELAI

Rory.

RORY

Mom, it's gonna be dark in a couple of hours and I don't want to sleep in the car.

LORELAI

Ugh, my sense of adventure did not translate to my offspring.

RORY

Now, to the best of my map reading abilities, we're headed towards Portsmouth, New Hampshire.

LORELAI

Portsmouth. Huh.

RORY

What?

LORELAI

I actually have a friend in Portsmouth. Donald, uhh, something-or-other Stein.

RORY

A close personal friend, huh?

LORELAI

Donald moved there a couple of years ago and opened a B&B.

RORY

Ughhh.

LORELAI

No, it's actually supposed to be pretty cool.

RORY

A cool B&B?

LORELAI

Yes.

RORY

That's like saying an understated Nicholas Cage movie.

LORELAI

Listen, I myself am not usually a fan of the B&B, but Donald's place is different.

RORY

Captain Corelli's Mandolin.

LORELAI

I'm serious.

RORY

'Bella bambina at 2 o'clock.'

LORELAI

Every room is decorated in a different weird style for a different century.

RORY

That is kinda cool.

LORELAI

Okay, let's go.

RORY

Let's call.

LORELAI

Let's go.

RORY

Let's call.

LORELAI

Sense of adventure.

RORY

Let's go.

LADONN

Hello there.

LORELAI

Hi.

LADONN

Would you like to ring the bell?

LORELAI

What?

LADONN

Would you like to ring the bell, you or your daughter?

LORELAI

I don't understand.

LADONN

I'm not usually sitting here when guests arrive, so people ring the bell and they love to ring the bell, and you didn't get to ring the bell.

LORELAI

Uh. . . [rings bell]

LADONN

Well done.

LORELAI

Uh, do you have a room available?

LADONN

Yes, we most certainly do, you lucky pretty things you.

LORELAI

See they have a room.

RORY

Good.

LORELAI

Um, does Donald happen to be here?

LADONN

Oh no no, I bought this place from Donald last year. It's my place now. I'm LaDonn.

LORELAI

Hi. Oh, yes, I noticed it was a little different. Actually, very different.

LADONN

Oh, did you see it before?

LORELAI

Pictures.

LADONN

Well, it was wacky, just like Donald. It was fun, you know, but just a little too woo-woo. It was just too eclectic. I don't care for eclectic. I don't think B&B-ers do either.

LORELAI

No, you wouldn't want anything out of the normal.

LADONN

Okay, room number 3 is all yours. Welcome to the Cheshire Cat.

LORELAI

Nice name. I'm gonna consult with my daughter for just one second. [walks away from the desk] We must leave this place immediately.

RORY

And sleep where?

LORELAI

Uh, a hollow tree, a riverbank, I don't care.

RORY

Mom, I'm tired and I'm starving.

LORELAI

Okay, she's named the place after an Alice in Wonderland character. This is my worst nightmare.

RORY

And dying of exposure in a Jeep is mine.

LORELAI

Okay, okay.

LORELAI

So, just point the way to room three.

LADONN

I'll take you there myself. Let me just grab your bags.

RORY

Oh, we can do that.

LADONN

No no no no no, you are my guests. I won't hear of it. There you go.

LORELAI

Oh.

LADONN

Do you wanna ring the bell? You haven't rung the bell.

RORY

Maybe some other time.

LADONN

Follow me. [walks to staircase] Watch out for Sammy.

LORELAI

Wowsie wowza.

RORY

That's either Sammy or the cat that ate Sammy.

LORELAI

Aghhh!

LADONN

What is it, dear?

LORELAI

Uhh, there's just a lot...

RORY

A lot of flowers.

LORELAI

Yeah, like a ton of flowers.

RORY

A plethora of flowers.

LORELAI

A load of flowers.

LADONN

Thank you! I get so many compliments on this room.

LORELAI

Yeah, are they moving?

LADONN

It looks like it, doesn't it? There's foil in the paper and it gives it that illusion. Isn't it terrific?

LORELAI

Unbelievable.

LADONN

B&B-ers love a peaceful setting so that they can unwind from their hectic lives. What business are you in, dear?

LORELAI

Oh, me? Uh, publishing.

LADONN

How interesting.

LORELAI

Mm.

LADONN

Now if you need anything, you just ring down or come down 'cause I love company. And, oh, I don't want to forget to give you our activity list. Never a dull moment around here.

LORELAI

Thanks LaDonn.

RORY

Yes, thank you.

LORELAI

Okay, I think we just found the first room in the history of the world that would've made Liberace say 'Whoa. Step back. No one's that gay.'

RORY

Oh, look. This is a book that past guests have written in.

LORELAI

Mmm.

RORY

'This room made my soul soar.'

LORELAI

Ugh.

RORY

Ech.

LORELAI

All right, enough grossness. Let's go eat.

RORY

Oh food. I'm starving.

RORY

What?

LORELAI

Dentists. Boston dentists. Cocktail hour at the Cheshire Cat.

RORY

So?

LORELAI

So our exit is blocked.

RORY

Let's just rush pass them.

LORELAI

Too risky.

RORY

They're not assassins.

LORELAI

Rory, if they catch us they'll clamp onto us like leeches, and you know what that means.

RORY

What?

LORELAI

Chitchat. Stomach-churning, mind-numbing, soul-deadening chitchat.

RORY

Mom, I'm starving. I'm going down there, you can stay here.

LORELAI

You're that hungry, huh?

RORY

Yes.

LORELAI

Hungry enough to answer a hundred probing but only slightly differentiated from each other questions about Chilton, life in a small town, and your hunky hunky boyfriend?

LORELAI

Ohh, ahhh, I struck gold! [pulling something out of her purse]

RORY

What is it?

LORELAI

Certs.

RORY

Let me catch my breath.

LORELAI

I cannot for the life of me remember the last time I bought Certs.

RORY

Which would make those really old.

LORELAI

Fuzzy.

RORY

Perfect.

LORELAI

A nice capper to the day.

RORY

In the course of three hours, they've participated in every inane B&B group activity known to man.

LORELAI

Let's just hope they finish with a mass suicide.

RORY

We get cranky when we're hungry.

LORELAI

Well, plus we're above everyone else on the planet.

RORY

Clearly.

LORELAI

Hm.

RORY

So what do you want to do?

LORELAI

I don't know. We could go to sleep.

RORY

Mm, it's 8:23.

LORELAI

Good Lord.

RORY

I'm not really sleepy.

LORELAI

Me neither. We could sing.

RORY

Sing?

LORELAI

Yeah, we could sing "Anarchy in the UK" at the top of our lungs.

RORY

Oh, that would be good. Or, uh, we could talk.

LORELAI

Oh, okay.

RORY

Okay.

LORELAI

What about?

RORY

Oh, I don't know. Umm, Max?

LORELAI

Uhh, no.

RORY

Why?

LORELAI

Because I don't want to.

RORY

You said we could talk.

LORELAI

Yes, well I thought you meant about makeup or something.

RORY

When have we ever talked about makeup?

LORELAI

Never, that's why I thought now would be a good time.

RORY

I just need to know if...

LORELAI

Goodnight Rory.

RORY

But...

LORELAI

Goodnight. [turns off light]

RORY

[turns on light] Are you sure that you're not just running scared?

LORELAI

Rory.

RORY

Because I think that you really love him but you're just freaked out...

LORELAI

Enough!! [turns out light]

RORY

...and you don't know what to do! [turns on light] Because you did this before. With Max, in fact.

LORELAI

Rory, I don't want to talk about this. I thought that by saying 'enough' and turning off the light, you would get the message. Apparently not. The skywriter will be here in a minute.

RORY

I'm asking you a question.

LORELAI

I am a grown woman.

RORY

Says the woman with the "Hello, Kitty" waffle iron.

LORELAI

I have earned the right not to be quizzed about my social life by my sixteen-year-old daughter.

RORY

I thought I was your best friend!

LORELAI

When we're at a U2 concert, you are my best friend. But right now you are my sixteen-year-old daughter and I am telling you I do not want to have this conversation.

RORY

Well I do.

LORELAI

Well tough.

RORY

Everything was planned! Everyone was excited, including you, and then all of a sudden, you're out!

LORELAI

Well, I changed my mind.

RORY

This is our life that you just tossed off!

LORELAI

Hey, I didn't just toss off anything!

RORY

We had plans! We made space in the closet!

LORELAI

Oh Rory, just because we moved a couple of boxes is not reason enough for me to get married!

RORY

Max was counting on this! I was counting on this!

LORELAI

Rory, stop it! We are not gonna have this fight in a flowery bedroom with dentists singing "Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves" in the background. It's too David Lynch!

RORY

I think you love him!

LORELAI

Rory, go to sleep!

RORY

I think you love him, and you got scared and you ran, but you're really going to regret it. And soon!

LORELAI

Rory!

RORY

Fine! [turns out light] Goodnight!

LORELAI

I'm sure. I wish I did love him. You have no idea how much.

RORY

What's with the face?

LORELAI

Hmm, they're taller.

RORY

Not this again.

LORELAI

There's more of them.

RORY

Mom, the flowers on the wallpaper are not growing or reproducing.

LORELAI

Hm.

RORY

Wait a minute. You weren't writing in this thing, were you?

LORELAI

Maybe some random thoughts.

RORY

[reading guestbook] 'Satanic forces are at work here.' Mom.

LORELAI

What?

RORY

What? What? We cannot write that in here. [changes it] Here. 'Sat and forever am at work here.'

LORELAI

That doesn't make any sense.

RORY

And it doesn't invoke the Dark Prince so I think it's preferable.

LORELAI

Whatever.

RORY

Hey?

LORELAI

What?

RORY

Last night?

LORELAI

Oh, we're good.

RORY

Okay.

LORELAI

You know what isn't good?

RORY

What?

LORELAI

I ate the fuzzy Certs.

RORY

Gross!

LORELAI

They tasted like keys.

RORY

Okay, enough. I have got to eat. Do you think the coast is clear downstairs?

LORELAI

Let's check the schedule. Early morning nature walk, 7:30. Regional history talk, 8:15, bluppity blah bah bah bah. We're in luck. Breakfast just ended and the arts and crafts workshop doesn't begin for another thirteen minutes.

RORY

We've got a window!

LORELAI

It must be when they all shower.

RORY

Grab your bag!

LORELAI

Go go go!

LADONN

Hello strangers!

RORY

Uh!

LORELAI

Uhh, geez.

LADONN

We've all been so worried about you two.

LORELAI

What are you people doing?

LADONN

We're watching hummingbirds.

WOMAN

They're still out there if you wanna scooch in.

MAN

They're the darndest things. Flap their wings a hundred times a second. It's an engineering marvel.

LORELAI

That was not on the freaking list.

LADONN

We don't put things like this on the freaking list, because the delights of nature aren't on any kind of time schedule.

LORELAI

No, Lordy.

WOMAN

So push in some chairs. We're gonna make some fresh scones.

LADONN

Yeah, they're for tea this afternoon. I just brought out the first test batch. Have a taste.

RORY

A taste would not be bad.

LORELAI

Uh, maybe just a quick taste.

WOMAN

So, LaDonn says you're in publishing.

LORELAI

Huh?

WOMAN

Publishing, you're in publishing?

LORELAI

Oh yes, I am.

MAN

Books, huh? You should find a field with less paperwork.

LORELAI

Good one. [reaches for another scone]

RORY

Mmm! Hey!

LORELAI

You have two, I still have one!

WOMAN

So, uh, publishing?

LORELAI

Mm hmm. Yes, I do publish. Um, it's kind of a dry line of work, not much to talk about.

LADONN

Oh, nonsense. It's fascinating.

WOMAN

So what kind of books do you publish?

LORELAI

Umm, mainly youth-oriented ones.

WOMAN

Children's books?

LORELAI

Sure.

WOMAN

Oh, any that we've heard of?

LORELAI

Probably not.

WOMAN

No, wait, please. Give me some titles. I'll write them down and then when I get home, I'll look them up. Dave, do you have your space pen?

MAN

Do you have to ask?

WOMAN

Oh, he loves his space pen.

MAN

They write under water.

RORY

Cool.

WOMAN

So, what are the titles?

LORELAI

Well, there's um, 'Goodnight, Spoon' and um, 'The Horse that Wanted to Bark'.

WOMAN

Oh, I think I've read that to my grandson. The horse learns to bark, and then he. . . oh, what happens at the end?

LORELAI

He dies.

RORY

But he learned to bark though, so it's actually an upper.

WOMAN

So, where are your offices?

LORELAI

They're in the umm...in the building with the uhh, over on the road...would you guys excuse me for just a second? I have to make a very important call concerning publishing.

LADONN

Oh, well that's just fine. It'll give us a chance to get to know your lovely daughter here.

WOMAN

She's so quiet. But we'll change all that.

RORY

Mom, you promised not to do any business while on vacation.

LORELAI

Honey, publishing waits for no man. Gotta keep the presses pressing. [walks away]

WOMAN

So, tell us about your school.

LORELAI

Hey Sookie, it's me.

SOOKIE

[sitting at Luke's counter] Hey sweetie, how's the trip going?

LORELAI

It's fine. Where are you?

SOOKIE

Luke's. Got a nice little show going on here.

LUKE

You're been sitting there for two hours.

KIRK

I just want a little more coffee.

LUKE

You've had eight refills.

KIRK

You know, in France, when you sit and order, you can have the table as long as you want.

LUKE

I bet you know what I'm gonna say next.

KIRK

That we're not in France?

LUKE

Give or take a profanity.

KIRK

Fine, I'll go. Can I have my check?

LORELAI

So, um, how's the spreading of the news going?

SOOKIE

Well, it worked just like you wanted, with one notable exception.

LORELAI

Ooh, what?

SOOKIE

He's just such a loner lately, the news hasn't gotten to him.

LUKE

Is there anyway to speed this up Kirk?

KIRK

Sorry. I'm trying to figure out the tip and I've always been terrible with math. What's six percent of four forty three?

LORELAI

Could you just tell him now Sook, so I can cross this off my list?

SOOKIE

Well, I...ugh, he's coming over, hang on. Hey Luke?

LUKE

Yeah?

SOOKIE

Have you heard the latest news, kinda sad, Lorelai and Max?

LUKE

What about them?

SOOKIE

The wedding's off.

LUKE

What? What happened?

SOOKIE

You know, I don't really know. It was all kinda sudden. This is actually her now.

LUKE

Oh, well, uh, tell her I'm sorry. That's tough.

SOOKIE

He says he's sorry.

LORELAI

Thanks. Talk to you later. Bye.

SOOKIE

Buh bye. [hangs up]

KIRK

What's this?

LUKE

Refill number nine

KIRK

I thought you said I had to go.

LUKE

You can hang a bit.

KIRK

Really?

LUKE

Welcome to France. Coffee's on the house too.

KIRK

Thanks. Or should I say gracias.

LUKE

In fact, everyone's coffee's on the house today. I like your hat.

MAN

Oh, thank you.

WOMAN

We have a son just a bit older than you.

MAN

He's not good enough for her.

WOMAN

Oh, Dave. He's a freshman at Brown.

MAN

He majors in MTV.

WOMAN

Oh you're horrible!

MAN

Honey, we don't even know if she's on the market.

RORY

Oh, I'm not on the market. I'm definitely off the market.

LADONN

She has a boyfriend.

WOMAN

How cute!

LADONN

Tell us all about him.

RORY

Mom! I saved you a scone, you love me right?

LORELAI

Uh, sorry everybody. I'm gonna have to drag her away now.

RORY

Aww shucks. It was so nice talking to you. [leaves]

WOMAN

Lovely talking to you dear. Oh, so cute.

RORY

I now have abandonment issues.

LORELAI

I had to make a call.

RORY

You left me hanging.

LORELAI

I owe you one.

RORY

Big time.

LORELAI

All right. Well, you're out now, what do you wanna do?

RORY

Kill you.

LORELAI

And?

RORY

I don't know. What do you wanna do?

LORELAI

Bounce tennis balls off of Sammy?

RORY

Seriously?

LORELAI

I'm not sure. Why don't you pull out the map you're hiding?

RORY

I'm not hiding a map.

RORY

Well, I didn't want to drive around aimlessly again today. [pulls out map]

LORELAI

I got it, I got it. So what's near?

RORY

Um, Concord.

LORELAI

What is that, like look at grapes?

RORY

Manchester.

LORELAI

Uh, been there, done that.

RORY

You've never been there.

LORELAI

Well I feel like I have.

RORY

Salem.

LORELAI

Ooh, witches and stonings! There's something there.

RORY

Boston, Newton, Needham...

LORELAI

Oh, go go go go back.

RORY

What? Boston, Newton?

LORELAI

I know where we're going.

RORY

Where are we going?

LORELAI

You will love it.

RORY

[starts folding map] Well, if you tell me where we're going I can chart a course and I can...

RORY

You're folding it wrong!

LORELAI

Is it smaller?

RORY

Yes.

LORELAI

Then it's not wrong. Let's go. I will get you a new one when we get there.

RORY

Where are we going?

RORY

I don't believe it.

LORELAI

Believe it, 'cause there it is.

RORY

Harvard University.

LORELAI

It's really real.

RORY

It looks just like the pictures.

LORELAI

Beautiful.

RORY

What are we doing here?

LORELAI

We are beholding your future.

RORY

It's big.

LORELAI

You have a big future.

RORY

I can't believe it. I'm actually standing outside of Harvard.

LORELAI

Come on.

RORY

Wait. Come on where?

LORELAI

Inside.

RORY

We can't go inside.

LORELAI

Why, is there a force field or something around the place?

RORY

This is Harvard.

LORELAI

I know.

RORY

This is Harvard.

LORELAI

I know.

RORY

You can't just go inside. You need a guide.

LORELAI

I'll be your guide.

RORY

What do you know about Harvard?

LORELAI

I know this. Look, there's Harvard.

RORY

Mom.

LORELAI

Hey, don't you want to see it? Huh? The place where you'll be living and studying and developing very naïve but pretentious world views that will come crashing down the minute you graduate?

RORY

Yeah, I do.

LORELAI

So? Come on, you know you want to. All the other kids are doing it.

RORY

Harvard.

LORELAI

Wow! Harvard is over 300 years old.

RORY

Founded in 1636.

LORELAI

That means that almost everyone who ever went to Harvard is dead now. Are you sure you still want to go here?

RORY

Yes, I'm sure.

LORELAI

They developed the pacemaker here. Also, discovered how electromagnetism and radioactivity are two manifestations of the same force and postulated existence of a charmed quark. I was wondering who did that.

RORY

The smarties at Harvard.

LORELAI

Holy smokes. They get an average of 18,000 applicants every year and only 2,000 get in. Those are not good odds.

RORY

Mom.

LORELAI

No no no, you're different. Past graduates. Henry James...isn't that a beer?

RORY

And a novelist. Go on.

LORELAI

John Adams. That's a beer!

RORY

Our second president. He's very in right now.

LORELAI

W.E.B. Du Bois, Yo-Yo Ma. Oh cool! Fred Gwynn.

RORY

Who?

LORELAI

Herman Munster. Now I'm impressed.

RORY

Do you want something?

LORELAI

Yeah, a nice cold Henry James.

RORY

Or some coffee?

LORELAI

Or some coffee.

RORY

I'm ordering coffee at Harvard.

LORELAI

Hey, there's people looking for roommates. Tons of them. 'Wanted, girl to share a two bedroom apartment located on trial bridge, quiet street, quiet building, so quiet roomie a must.' Join a convent and cloister yourself you loser.

RORY

[walks back] Mom, it's gonna be two years before I go to Harvard. These people will have roommates or have graduated by them.

LORELAI

Who says these are for you?

RORY

Who are they for?

LORELAI

Me. If you're gonna live in a dorm, I need a room nearby so I can come visit.

RORY

How often are you gonna visit?

LORELAI

I don't know, every other day. Too much? What's too much?

STUDENT

Man, there are a lot of postings here.

LORELAI

Oh yeah, there sure are.

STUDENT

You looking for a place to live?

LORELAI

Uhh, maybe.

STUDENT

Well there's a lot of choices. Something for everybody.

LORELAI

Yeah, yeah. Unless you're one of those existentialists who can't really figure out what they want.

STUDENT

Good point, good point. Hey, I think we have a class together. Contract Law, Professor Chefferson?

LORELAI

Oh yeah, Chef's class.

STUDENT

Right. I've been meaning to say hi to you.

LORELAI

Really?

STUDENT

Yeah.

LORELAI

Oh, hi.

STUDENT

Hi.

LORELAI

Hi.

STUDENT

So do you like the class?

LORELAI

Um, it's not too bad.

STUDENT

He's kinda got a monotone voice. If I don't caf up he puts me right to sleep.

LORELAI

Oh, I'm about to caf up right now just for the hell of it.

STUDENT

Okay. So I'll see you in class. And maybe at that Phi Cap party tonight?

LORELAI

Ginchy!

STUDENT

Cool. Bye.

LORELAI

Bye.

LORELAI

I think I'm gonna like college! Ooh, did you hear? I used existentialist in a sentence!

RORY

I heard!

LORELAI

I've always wanted to do that.

RORY

It was very impressive.

LORELAI

Ah!

RORY

Oh my.

LORELAI

What's this?

RORY

It's the library.

LORELAI

Oh.

RORY

The biggest library I've ever seen.

LORELAI

Uh oh. Brace yourself.

RORY

What?

LORELAI

This is just one of the libraries.

RORY

One of the libraries?

LORELAI

This building is one component of a thirteen million volume collection housed in more than ninety different libraries. It's the oldest library in the United States and the largest academic library in the world. Breathe, breathe.

RORY

I'm a failure.

LORELAI

What?

RORY

I am stupid.

LORELAI

Oh stop.

RORY

I am uniformed and ignorant and. . .I can't even think of a second synonym for uninformed. I suck.

LORELAI

Honey.

RORY

Thirteen million volumes? I've read like, what, three hundred books in my entire life and I'm already sixteen? Do you know how long it would take me to read thirteen million books?

LORELAI

But honey, you don't have to read every one of them. "Tuesday's with Morrie?" Skip that. "Who Moved My Cheese?" Just stuff you already know.

RORY

Okay, but every kid coming to Harvard is inevitably reading books, and different books, and I want to be able to converse intelligently with each of them and I can't do that unless I read books, at least a few from every genre and sub-genre.

LORELAI

Okay, come on. I'm getting you out of here.

RORY

I sleep too much.

LORELAI

No you don't.

RORY

I've been frittering away my whole life.

LORELAI

You don't fritter.

RORY

Did I mention I suck?

LORELAI

Yes.

RORY

Well I do.

LORELAI

No.

LORELAI

This is a dorm? Not bad, huh?

RORY

Pretty, actually.

LORELAI

Come on, let's see what it looks like on the inside.

RORY

It says "Residents Only" in plain English.

RORY

We're gonna get in trouble.

LORELAI

You're such a worrywart. Ooh, get in character.

RORY

What?

LORELAI

Hey there!

GIRL 1

Hi.

LORELAI

I'm Angie, this is Trish.

GIRL 2

Hi.

LORELAI

How's it going?

GIRL 1

Not bad.

LORELAI

Oh, cool. We're just kinda hanging out between classes. We got Chef next. So, we'll probably see you at the Phi Alpha Beta thing tomorrow, right?

GIRL 1

Maybe.

LORELAI

Yeah, I know, we're not sure either. They can be so totally lame. Gag me.

GIRL 1

Yeah. See ya. [Students leave]

RORY

You do realize that all of your college kid jargon comes from 'Happy Days' and the 'Valley Girls' song?

LORELAI

Unh! Lookie lookie here.

RORY

What?

LORELAI

Ooh, I wanna see a room. Hello!

RORY

They have pictures of their rooms on their website.

LORELAI

So I prefer reality, thank you. Hello! Coast is clear. [walks into the room]

RORY

The coast is not clear.

LORELAI

Susie!

RORY

We're now officially breaking and entering.

LORELAI

Susie!

RORY

Why are you saying that?

LORELAI

'Cause it's our cover in case we get caught. Plus there's a thirty percent chance that the girl living in this room is named Susie. Wow, tiny.

RORY

It is tiny.

LORELAI

Your Oxford English Dictionary's gonna need a room of it's own.

RORY

It'll fit somewhere.

LORELAI

One window, brick wall. You're gonna need a better view.

RORY

Well, this isn't my room to begin with.

LORELAI

At least there's two beds. Somewhere for me to sleep.

RORY

That would be my roommate's bed.

LORELAI

Oh, you don't want a roommate.

RORY

I don't think I have a choice.

LORELAI

They just force someone on you?

RORY

It's all part of the socializing experience.

LORELAI

What if it's a lemon?

RORY

Then I'm stuck with a lemon.

LORELAI

Hari Krishna banging a tambourine all night?

RORY

Then I have to get earplugs.

LORELAI

Serial murderer?

RORY

Then I sleep with a gat strapped to my ankle.

LORELAI

Someone who likes Linkin Park?

RORY

Then I have to drop out.

LORELAI

Mm hmm. Ah, look! I had these same pants back in high school.

RORY

Can we just go now please?

LORELAI

I'm in again.

RORY

Mom.

LORELAI

Okay. Just come over here and let me take a picture with you sitting at the desk.

RORY

What?

LORELAI

Yeah, really get into it. Pretend like you're studying.

RORY

Uhh, okay.

LORELAI

What... is that...you're writing in the air?

RORY

Can we just take the picture?

LORELAI

Okay, okay.

LORELAI

Oh, hey Susie.

RORY

God, these classrooms are huge.

LORELAI

Better to fit those big Harvard brains.

PROFESSOR

. . . had given birth. Reckon on everything, expect everything. What sort of thought is this?

STUDENT

Depressing?

PROFESSOR

On the surface, maybe. But go underneath. What is he postulating beyond fatalism?

LORELAI

Are we allowed to be hearing this?

RORY

I don't know.

LORELAI

They wouldn't charge you a hundred bucks or something just for listening to part of a class?

RORY

I don't think Harvard would nickel and dime people like that.

LORELAI

Hey, I'm gonna find a ladies room. You know, sneak a smoke, see if anybody slipped an aspirin in my coke.

RORY

Okay, Rizzo. I'd like to listen a little bit more.

LORELAI

I'll be back.

RORY

I'll be here.

PROFESSOR

The stoics believe the greatest happiness resulted from leading a virtuous life...

PROFESSOR

In or out?

RORY

Excuse me?

PROFESSOR

If you're going to take the class, you have to take a seat.

RORY

Oh, uhh, okay. Sorry. [sits down]

PROFESSOR

Okay, where were we?

RORY

That's an interesting point, Professor, but I'm not sure I agree with it.

RORY

That's because stoicism was not about giving up things, of money and luxuries and stuff.

PROFESSOR

That's right. By the time he was in his early forties, Seneca had earned enough money to acquire villas, farms, he ate well, he loved expensive furniture, but he didn't consider that a non-philosophical way to live.

RORY

It's all kind of relative though.

STUDENT

Oh, here we go.

RORY

What?

STUDENT

We can't get through a class without debating relativism.

RORY

I just meant that luxury to some is not necessarily luxury to others.

PROFESSOR

A better subject for another time.

RORY

Oh sorry.

PROFESSOR

No, no, your point is well taken, but it's different than the matter at hand. What we're talking about is Seneca's choosing the better more comfortable of two options while remaining a stoic.

RORY

[to student] Thanks. This was fun. [walks out]

RORY

Did you see me?

LORELAI

Yes.

RORY

I was in college.

LORELAI

It was amazing!

RORY

Did I look like I belonged?

LORELAI

Completely. You're a natural

RORY

I can't even believe how it happened. I just sort of got swept up and then the teacher asked a question, and before I knew it...

LORELAI

You were blowing them away.

RORY

Well, I don't know if I was blowing them away but suddenly I was talking and I couldn't stop.

LORELAI

I know that feeling.

RORY

College is gonna be amazing. I can't wait. I love college. I love Harvard. I love fatalism.

LORELAI

Oh, please LaDonn, we can carry the bags.

LADONN

Nonsense.

RORY

But they're so heavy.

LADONN

I'll just get them down the stairs for you. Whew. Let me catch my breath here.

LORELAI

Oh, wow! Sammy's AWOL, huh?

LADONN

Hmm?

LORELAI

Oh, Sammy. It's like the first time that she hasn't been there on the stairs.

LADONN

What, my Sammy?

LORELAI

Yes.

LADONN

Oh, she's rarely ever on the stairs.

LORELAI

Oh no, she's always right there.

LADONN

On the stairs?

LORELAI

Yes.

LADONN

No, she has her favorite places, but not on the stairs.

LORELAI

There has not been one moment over our entire stay when she has not been right there.

LADONN

On the stairs?

LORELAI

Yes.

LADONN

Oh, she's hardly ever on the stairs.

RORY

Forget it Jake, it's Chinatown.

LADONN

Everything's on your card. I hope you enjoyed your stay. Did you enjoy your stay?

RORY

Very much.

LADONN

Aw, very much?

LORELAI

I sat and forever am at work here.

LADONN

What?

RORY

It was great.

LADONN

Well, there you go. Drive safely, and tell all your friends about the Cheshire Cat.

LORELAI

Oh, you bet we will.

LADONN

As soon as you leave, I'm gonna do my favorite part of the job.

LORELAI

Oh, what's that?

LADONN

I'm gonna read what you wrote in our guestbook.

LORELAI

Give us a five minute headstart?

LADONN

Beg pardon?

RORY

Thank you.

RORY

You know what I love most about Harvard?

LORELAI

No, what?

RORY

They don't sell giant foam fingers.

LORELAI

No, they've got class out the wazoo. Home.

RORY

Feel like we've been gone a long time.

LORELAI

You know what's weird? Every time I leave town, even for just a little while, I always expect everything to look different.

RORY

And it never does.

LORELAI

It never does.

KIRK

Need a hug?

LORELAI

Patty's good.

LORELAI

So, what about dinner?

RORY

It should probably be something healthy since we've been eating junk the whole trip.

LORELAI

We had lettuce on our burgers last night.

RORY

You picked it off.

LORELAI

But it left its essence.

RORY

There was lettuce essence on our burgers?

LORELAI

Definitely.

RORY

And that satisfied our vegetable requirement?

LORELAI

For the week.

RORY

We can't argue with cold hard facts.

RORY

What? Oh, I forgot about that.

LORELAI

Me too. Well, everything's the same.

LORELAI

This is Sever Hall, one of the oldest buildings in Harvard.

EMILY

Focus the picture Lorelai.

LORELAI

It is focused.

RORY

That's how it came out.

EMILY

It's hurting my eyes.

LORELAI

Come on Mom, they're supposed to be a little arty.

RORY

Plus she doesn't know how to use her camera.

LORELAI

I've only had it six years.

EMILY

It's like I have glaucoma. What's that?

LORELAI

That is a Harvard squirrel.

EMILY

Good grief.

RORY

Sitting on a Harvard rock.

LORELAI

Doesn't he look smart?

EMILY

He looks dirty. Next.

LORELAI

That's Rory's dorm, and part of my finger.

RORY

It's not my dorm yet. We just saw a dorm and figured it might be mine.

EMILY

Why in the world do you insist on taking slides?

LORELAI

I like slides.

EMILY

But prints are so much easier, and faster to get through.

LORELAI

That's what I hate about prints. You give people this big pile of pictures that you're so proud of and they end up just flipping through them super fast without really seeing them or giving you a chance to narrate them like you can with slides.

RORY

I stopped her from adding music.

EMILY

I'm eternally grateful.

LORELAI

I like the bigness of slides too. Makes you feel like you're really there.

EMILY

Yes, this one makes me feel just like I'm in your finger.

LORELAI

Oh. You're just jealous that we didn't invite you to come along.

RORY

Next time.

EMILY

Next time you go to Harvard, you're going to do it properly, with a scheduled visit and a guide.

RORY

I told her about the guide.

EMILY

And why would you go out of town now so soon before your wedding? Didn't your fiancé mind?

LORELAI

Oh, well...

EMILY

I mean, you act as if this coming weekend is just going to be business as usual and not the most important day of your life.

RORY

Mom.

EMILY

What?

LORELAI

Well, it's about this weekend Mom.

EMILY

Yes?

LORELAI

I should've told you before.

EMILY

Oh my God, you didn't!

LORELAI

What?

EMILY

You did!

LORELAI

I did what?

EMILY

You eloped!

LORELAI

Mom.

EMILY

I knew it! I knew you'd do anything to keep me out of this wedding.

LORELAI

Mom, that's not...

EMILY

Well that is just cruel, Lorelai. A mother waits and plans for this day, even your mother.

LORELAI

Yes, but...

EMILY

I bought a new dress, I got my hair done.

LORELAI

It looks nice.

EMILY

And tonight you just waltz in here, torture me for hours with these ridiculous slides, only to let me know at the last possible minute...

LORELAI

Mom, Max and I are not together anymore. The wedding is off.

EMILY

The wedding's off?

LORELAI

Yes.

EMILY

Are you sure?

LORELAI

Yes, I'm sure.

EMILY

Oh.

LORELAI

Mom?

EMILY

Who called it off?

LORELAI

I did. You're thinking you're not surprised.

EMILY

No I wasn't.

LORELAI

You're thinking, 'Yes, I won that five bucks from Dad.'

EMILY

Who would like dessert?

LORELAI

What Mom? What are you thinking? Just tell me.

EMILY

I was thinking I guess I have to return your gift.

LORELAI

My gift?

EMILY

That's right.

LORELAI

You'll have to return my gift. That's...that's what you were thinking?

EMILY

That's right.

LORELAI

That's it?

EMILY

That's it.

LORELAI

Oh. So you got me a gift already?

EMILY

You were getting married. Gifts are expected. It's the proper thing to do. So how's ice cream sound?

RORY

Ice cream sounds great.

LORELAI

So what'd you get me Mom?

EMILY

I'm not gonna tell you that.

LORELAI

Why not? It's for me.

EMILY

But you're not getting it now.

LORELAI

Iced tea spoons, right?

EMILY

Lorelai.

LORELAI

Because nobody really needs iced tea spoons ever. I mean, you probably would use 'em if you remembered to use 'em but nobody remembers to use 'em because they're always in a different drawer than the everyday silverware. Out of sight, out of mind. So people just grab a regular old everyday spoon to stir with, and you know what, they work fine.

EMILY

It wasn't iced tea spoons.

LORELAI

Oh, uhhh...oh, oh! Corn on the cob holder thingies! Sterling silver corn on the cob holder thingies?

EMILY

Nope.

LORELAI

Hah!

EMILY

What?

LORELAI

The tiny forks.

EMILY

What tiny forks?

LORELAI

The tiny forks with the tiny prongs and the tiny handles that I can only assume are used to eat the tiny food.

EMILY

They're for lobster tails.

LORELAI

So you did get the tiny forks!

EMILY

You know what, I'm not returning the gift. I'm going to put it away in a closet and you won't know what it is until you do get married someday.

LORELAI

Tell me now!

EMILY

Sorry.

LORELAI

Come on! Mom, I may never get married. I may be a free spirit my whole life or fall in love with a separated catholic guy like Katherine Hepburn did and then, and then not get to go to his funeral when he dies.

EMILY

Well then you'll never get to know what I got you, will you?

LORELAI

I've gotta know!

EMILY

No.

LORELAI

This is torture!

EMILY

Tough.

LORELAI

Okay, fine, forget it. I'm going to the bathroom.

EMILY

I'm going to the kitchen.

LORELAI

Hm.

EMILY

Hm.

LORELAI

HAH!

EMILY

Oh God, you scared me!

LORELAI

Come on, tell me!

EMILY

Lorelai, get away.

LORELAI

Tell me now.

EMILY

I'm serious, get away from me.

LORELAI

Please tell me.

EMILY

This is not funny.

LORELAI

Hey, am I too far from the curb?

RORY

Oh, you're within five feet.

LORELAI

Close enough for jazz.

RORY

What?

LORELAI

Huh?

RORY

Pick it up?

LORELAI

You got it.

LANE

Rory! [runs towards her]

RORY

Oh my God, Lane! [runs towards her]

LANE

I'm back!

RORY

I see!

LANE

Oh, did you ever think this day would come?

RORY

I had hopes, dreams.

LANE

I escaped from Korea, I'm home. Hi Lorelai.

LORELAI

Welcome home, sweetie.

LANE

It's so amazing to be back. When I got off the plane, I kissed the tarmac.

LORELAI

Just like the Pope.

LANE

It was hot and I burned my lips.

RORY

Maybe that's why the Pope always looks so grumpy.

LANE

I'm back!

RORY

I know!

LANE

Did you get my letters?

RORY

Yeah, the first one was a little intense.

LANE

Which one was that?

RORY

The one that said Korea equals death with a bunch of exclamation points and your very sad face cut up plastered all over it.

LANE

Okay, so that was a tad dramatic.

RORY

Was it awful?

LANE

You know what, it wasn't.

LORELAI

Really?

LANE

Some of it was great.

RORY

No way.

LANE

Yeah, some of the food's not so bad, and then my cousins were actually pretty interesting, and the best part, Korea is bootleg heaven. I totally scored in Seoul. Elvis Costello at the Marquee in 1978. A barely coherent Nico doing Dora songs in 1974, and even more barely coherent, Iggy Pop doing David Bowie songs naked in 1981.

RORY

How did you get them past customs?

LANE

Well, I strapped them to my body like in Midnight Express.

RORY

Cool.

LORELAI

I'll be in Luke's. [walks towards Luke's Diner]

RORY

Okay. So it was just an open-ended plane ticket?

LANE

Just to save money. I guess I kind of overreacted.

RORY

Kind of? You did everything but tie a string with you at one end and the Statue of Liberty at the other.

LUKE

Hey!

LORELAI

Lewis and Clark have returned.

LUKE

Oh yeah, which one are you?

LORELAI

I don't know. Which one had to paddle the canoe?

LUKE

Coffee?

LORELAI

You have to ask?

LUKE

So, uh, sorry about what happened...you know, the wedding thing...

LORELAI

It's okay. I'm fine. I want everyone to know that.

LUKE

Uh, I've been feeling like a jerk.

LORELAI

Why?

LUKE

Well, the way I had to come down on Max. I don't know, I was being a...I don't know, what's that word you use, pickleschnitz?

LORELAI

Schnickelfritz?

LUKE

Yeah, that's it.

LORELAI

Luke, it's okay, you already apologized for all that.

LUKE

Well, I've been feeling kind of guilty.

LORELAI

Don't. You are great, Luke. Just making me that chuppah alone...

LUKE

Oh, the chuppah! I left that stupid chuppah on your lawn!

LORELAI

Hey, it's okay.

LUKE

What an idiot!

LORELAI

Really, it's okay.

LUKE

Just this enormous reminder, just sitting on your lawn, mocking you.

LORELAI

I didn't even see it mock, I promise.

LUKE

I'll take it down in the morning. No, I'll take it down now. Hey, we're closing early. Chew it or lose it!

LORELAI

Hey, Luke, it's okay, really. I, uh, I think I'm gonna keep it.

LUKE

What?

LORELAI

Yeah. It's beautiful, and you made it for me, and it doesn't have to be a wedding chuppah. It can just be a beautiful archway in our yard. I'll grow stuff on it.

LUKE

Well, okay. Um, I'll help you move it around the yard, wherever you want it to be.

LORELAI

Well, that'd be good.

LUKE

So where'd you guys go?

LORELAI

Well, we drove around a little, we hit a B&B, and we took a tour of Harvard.

LUKE

Harvard. . . interesting.

LORELAI

It was amazing. Seeing Rory there, in a dorm room, in a classroom. She fit.

LUKE

Yeah, I can see her fitting there.

LORELAI

She was right at home.

LUKE

So, how you taking that?

LORELAI

Taking what?

LUKE

Seeing her fit?

LORELAI

I loved it...and I hated it.

LUKE

That seems about right.

LORELAI

Man, these past few days. . .just so many thoughts about my life then, my life now, what I missed. Thoughts about what I'll never have, and what I want to have.

LUKE

Yeah, that's a lot of thoughts.

LORELAI

You're not kidding. So can I ask you a question?

LUKE

Yeah.

LORELAI

Have you ever set up a line of credit at a bank?

LUKE

No.

LORELAI

But you don't pay for everything with cash on hand, do you?

LUKE

What's all this about?

LORELAI

I think it's time to make a move.

LUKE

Meaning?

LORELAI

I'm diving in. Sookie and I are finally gonna open that inn.

LUKE

Yeah, I know.

LORELAI

No, I mean now. We've been talking about it and dreaming about it and it's time to finally get going on it.

LUKE

Well, if the time is right.

LORELAI

It is. Think I can hack being a business owner?

LUKE

I think you can hack anything.

LORELAI

Really?

LUKE

Yeah. I mean, you know all the creative stuff to the job, and you can manage and uh, I've seen you try to add numbers, so I'd get an accountant first thing.

LORELAI

Okay, yes.

LUKE

So how far along are you?

LORELAI

This far.

LUKE

Well, listen, um, you know, I'm no financial genius, but you know, we can sit down sometime, and you can pick my brain on the few things I do know about.

LORELAI

Really?

LUKE

Sure, I've been around some.

LORELAI

Can I ask you stupid questions?

LUKE

There's no such thing.

LORELAI

How does ink come out of pens?

LUKE

All right, there is such a thing. But, um, you're going to avoid that when we sit down, right?

LORELAI

Right. Thank you.

LUKE

Yeah. And let me know when you need help with the thing that's not a chuppah anymore.

LORELAI

I will. [leaves]

LANE

So fill me in. What have you been up to? I've gotta know everything.

RORY

I've been to Harvard.

LANE

No way. Oh my God! How? When?

RORY

Well, we just got back. Mom, is it okay if I go to Lane's for a bit?

LORELAI

Oh, yeah. I'll meet you back at the house.

RORY

Okay.

LANE

Harvard, that is so cool! I mean, what did you see?

RORY

Oh, Harvard Yard, classrooms, where I might live next year.

LANE

How was it?

RORY

It needs a spruce.

LORELAI

Sookie, hey it's me, we're back. Good, it was good, but first things first. I wanna start moving on the inn thing. . .I mean, take serious steps. We're ready, don't you think? We're ready. . . Oh good! Well, meet me early at work tomorrow. Yeah. . . .I know, I'm excited too. [drives away]