T2E5: “Nick & Nora/Sid & Nancy”

RORY

How are the eggs?

LORELAI

Good.

RORY

I'm glad.

LORELAI

They're still good.

RORY

I'm still glad.

LORELAI

Look freak, we will not be late.

RORY

It's the first day of school. I wanna get there early.

LORELAI

We will be there early, I promise.

RORY

I have different classes this year, my routes aren't the same. I haven't found the quickest path around. And my locker, they moved it, so I don't even know if it'll work properly and then I'll have to get a new one and God knows how long that'll take or where it'll be and that could send the whole day into chaos. I'm just excited.

LANE

Oh, thank God, you haven't left yet.

RORY

Nope, what's up?

LANE

Well, I found the greatest record store in the world. It's ten minutes from your school and I'm wondering how much you love me.

RORY

Address.

LANE

Record Breaker Incorporated, 2453 Berlin Turnpike.

RORY

Got it. Place your order now.

LANE

Okay, Charles Mingus, "The Black Saint and the Sinner Lady."

LORELAI

Mm.

RORY

Right.

LANE

The Sonics, Here are the Sonics.

RORY

Burn me a copy. Next.

LANE

MC5, Kick Out the Jams. Fairport Convention, Leige and Lief. BeeGees, Odessa.

RORY

BeeGees, really?

LANE

Well, Mojo says.

RORY

So it must be true.

LANE

Okay, that's it. Now if I could just find a copy of Whistler, Chaucer, Detroit and Greenhill, I will finally be done with the sixties.

RORY

I can get there today, tomorrow at the latest.

LANE

I love it when you go back to school.

RORY

Me too. Hey!

LORELAI

I am getting donuts for later. As soon as I do, I will take you to school and the nice men in the white coats will pick you up.

TAYLOR

Everybody, listen up. Decide what you want, place your order, and then proceed to the end of the line.

BOY 1

I want a burger.

BOY 2

I want grilled cheese.

BOY 3

Me too.

BOY 2

And I want fries, and make them really really cripsy.

BOY 1

I want mine crispy too.

BOY 2

You didn't order fries.

BOY 1

So?

LUKE

So you can't order crispy fries without first ordering fries.

BOY 1

Why not?

LUKE

Because you can't make something crispy that doesn't exist.

BOY 1

Why not?

LUKE

Get him away from me Taylor.

TAYLOR

Have some respect. These boys have just completed the first leg of their outdoor survival training.

LUKE

Meaning you had them sit under a tree and glue rocks together for two hours.

TAYLOR

You're a very jaded man Luke. What happened to you as a child?

LUKE

Some creepy guy in shorts and knee socks tried to sit me under a tree and glue rocks together for two hours. Put that down!

BOY 4

Why?

LUKE

Because otherwise you're going under it.

BOY 4

I won't fit.

LUKE

Oh yes you will.

LORELAI

Hey, donuts please.

BOY 1

We were here first!

LORELAI

On the planet?

BOY 1

Huh?

LORELAI

You lose. Chocolate, cinnamon and sprinkles.

LUKE

All of you pipe down.

LORELAI

Grups, huh?

LUKE

[on phone] Yeah, I'm working. What do you think I'm doing? Uh huh. Uh huh. Oh man, what did you do? Excuse me, are you serious? Just like that, huh?

BOY 2

Hey Mr. Doose. She's not supposed to do that.

TAYLOR

That's right. She's breaking the rules, and people who break the rules end up very lonely with no friends because they have become society's outcasts.

LORELAI

Planning on burning a little Huck Finn after lunch, Taylor?

TAYLOR

Excuse me?

LUKE

[on phone] This is unbelievable! You won't ever change, will you? . . . Okay, fine. Do what you want, make the arrangements. Now I'm working, we'll finish this later. [hangs up]

LORELAI

Is everything okay?

LUKE

Do you have a sister?

LORELAI

Um, no.

BOY 1

I do.

LUKE

You have my sympathies.

BOY 1

Thanks. I appreciate that.

LORELAI

Hey.

LUKE

Hello.

LORELAI

What are you doing?

LUKE

Ah, just redecorating the sidewalk.

LORELAI

Oh, it looks nice.

LUKE

Yeah yeah yeah, you don't think too much blue?

LORELAI

No, just enough.

LUKE

Yeah, well, thanks for the input. You can go now.

LORELAI

Need some help?

LUKE

Nope.

LORELAI

Need some help?

LUKE

Nope.

LORELAI

Need some help?

LUKE

Nope.

LORELAI

So do you need some help?

LORELAI

Frosted Flakes? Since when do you buy Frosted Flakes? [Luke drops some bags, food spills all over.] Okay, now what is going on?

LUKE

Nothing.

LORELAI

Nothing? You just all of sudden woke up this morning and decided you were gonna buy every food item in the world that you don't actually eat?

LUKE

It's not for me.

LORELAI

Well who's it for?

LUKE

Someone who's not me.

LORELAI

Like who?

LUKE

Like my nephew.

LORELAI

Oh, your nephew's coming to visit.

LUKE

No, he's coming to stay.

LORELAI

You're sister's moving here?

LUKE

Nope.

LORELAI

Well, I'm sorry, I don't get it.

LUKE

There's nothing to get. It's just Liz. She's too busy, she can't handle him, she's sending him here.

LORELAI

Where's his dad?

LUKE

Oh well, the great prize that my sister picked up at a Der Wienerschnitzel left her about two years ago, whereabouts unknown.

LORELAI

Aww, geez.

LUKE

Yup.

LORELAI

So she's just sending him here, just like that?

LUKE

Oh no, I'm sure she put at least five or six minutes of thought into it.

LORELAI

But why?

LUKE

Well, 'cause apparently he's been getting into some trouble and Liz is afraid he's heading for something bad, and rather than handle it herself, she's just giving up. She's sending him here so I can straighten him out.

LORELAI

You?

LUKE

Yes.

LORELAI

You can straighten him out?

LUKE

Yes.

LORELAI

You, Luke Danes, the great communicator, you're going to straighten the kid out?

LUKE

All he needs is a change of pace, a new crowd, and to get away from the nutjob that, unfortunately, is my sister.

LORELAI

Well, how long is he staying?

LUKE

I don't know. Indefinitely.

LORELAI

And how old is he?

LUKE

Seventeen.

LORELAI

Oh, wow. That is very generous of you.

LUKE

Well, it's family, what else can you do?

LORELAI

Right. So what kind of trouble has he gotten into?

LUKE

Ah, just kid stuff, you know, staying out late, getting rowdy. I don't know exactly.

LORELAI

Well, you might want to find out. Ask a couple of subtle questions, you know, has he seen The Shawshank Redemption, did the setting seem homey to him? Stuff like that.

LUKE

Look, his problem is obvious, it's his mother. You never could count on Liz for anything. Our mom died when we were kids, right? It was just my dad, me and Liz. And my dad worked all the time and I worked in the store with my dad, and Liz was off doing God knows what.

LORELAI

Well, I bet losing her mom so early was kind of hard on her.

LUKE

It was hard on all of us, but we did our part. And then the minute she graduates high school, she is outta here. Didn't matter that my dad was sick, didn't matter that the store was failing, she just took off. Married the hot dog king, had a kid, he left, now here we are. [Luke starts pumping up an air mattress]

LORELAI

Yeah, wow, that's...I'm sorry, what are you doing?

LUKE

I'm blowing this up.

LORELAI

What is it?

LUKE

It's a bed.

LORELAI

A bed?

LUKE

For Jess.

LORELAI

Jess?

LUKE

Jess, my nephew.

LORELAI

Luke, um, that's not a bed, that's a raft, which is fine if you're gonna build a moat around the diner but...

LUKE

It's fine.

LORELAI

Luke, the kid needs a bed. If you want to get him something inflatable, make it a blonde.

LUKE

I'm getting him a bed, this is just temporary.

LORELAI

Hey, how does Jess feel about this?

LUKE

I don't know.

LORELAI

You haven't talked to him about it?

LUKE

No.

LORELAI

Don't you think you should?

LUKE

Why? He doesn't have a choice. His mom's a flake, he's coming here, end of story.

LORELAI

Are you sure you're ready for this?

LUKE

Of course I'm sure.

LORELAI

I mean, taking on a full time kid, that's a lot of work.

LUKE

I know.

LORELAI

And a seventeen-year-old that's been getting into trouble and now is being shipped off without his consent, that could be even harder.

LUKE

Look, all he needs is to be around someone who's not a selfish basketcase, who will give him a little space, who will treat him like a man.

LORELAI

Maybe you should think about this.

LUKE

There's nothing to think about. He's family. You take care of family, period.

LORELAI

Yes, I respect that, but what if he turns out to be Fredo?

LUKE

Are you seriously telling me not to do this?

LORELAI

No, I'm not telling you not to do this.

LUKE

Then what are you saying?

LORELAI

I'm just saying that if you need any help, I'm here.

LUKE

Thank you.

LORELAI

You're welcome.

LUKE

Look, I got a lot of things to do before he gets here so...

LORELAI

Okay, I'm leaving. Oh, you do have an extra set of sheets, right?

LUKE

Yes, I do.

LORELAI

Sorry, just checking. Bye. [leaves]

LUKE

[grabs keys] Sheets, sheets.

RORY

Okay, round two.

RORY

Five seconds?

PARIS

Four.

RORY

Fine.

PARIS

Now it's three.

RORY

Paris, it does not have to be like this.

PARIS

No?

RORY

You and I are going to have to spend a lot of time in class together on The Franklin.

PARIS

I know.

RORY

We're gonna have to sit in the same classroom, share the same oxygen, occasionally make eye contact.

PARIS

I can avoid that.

RORY

Look, I'm not saying that we should be friends. I don't want to be friends. I'm just saying that maybe we should look at this like life.

PARIS

Life?

RORY

Yes, in life there will be people that you don't like, but that you have to coexist with.

PARIS

I am well aware of that.

RORY

So I'm just suggesting that we coexist.

PARIS

You're just scared that I'm gonna make your life on The Franklin a living hell. Especially since I'm the editor and you're...oh, what's the word...not.

RORY

If you want to spend the precious energy that you'd normally spend on the paper obsessing on ways to make me miserable, then that's your choice. I'm just suggesting an alternate plan. The paper could be really great this year.

PARIS

I know.

RORY

So, can't we just agree on that and make all the rest of it go away?

LOUISE

Everything okay?

RORY

Yeah, Riff, everything's fine.

PARIS

We were just talking.

MADELINE

Talking? You two?

PARIS

About The Franklin.

MADELINE

Oh. Nope, still seems weird.

PARIS

Hey, look, we're all on the paper together. There's gonna be a lot of long afternoons and weekends.

LOUISE

Weekends?

PARIS

We need to coexist, right?

RORY

Right.

LOUISE

I'm sorry. Back up to the weekends.

PARIS

So that's what we'll do. Now the first meeting of The Franklin is today.

RORY

Yes it is.

PARIS

Four o'clock.

RORY

Sounds good.

LOUISE

Weekends were never mentioned. I need my weekends. All of this gets done on weekends.

LUKE

Jess.

JESS

Luke.

LUKE

Okay, so uh... [Luke walks towards the diner, Jess follows]

LUKE

Well, this is my diner.

JESS

Huh.

LUKE

Belonged to your Grandpa.

JESS

Huh.

LUKE

Yup.

LUKE

Well, here we are. It's pretty simple. You know, this is the room. That's my bed, that's your, uh, bed for now, but the sheets are new. There's the bathroom, there's the closet, there's the dresser, the phone, and over there is the kitchen. I've got Frosted Flakes.

JESS

Wow, that's grrrrreat.

LUKE

So, is that all your stuff?

JESS

Yup.

LUKE

Not much there.

JESS

Well, Lizzie's sending the rest later.

LUKE

So, you need some help?

JESS

Nope.

LUKE

Okay, uh, I have to get back to the diner. I'm gonna close up at ten tonight, so I thought...

JESS

See you at ten.

LUKE

But wait, you need keys.

JESS

No I don't. [leaves]

LUKE

I so don't wanna know why.

PARIS

Pick a side people. Oh, Rory.

RORY

Hey.

TEACHER

Nice of you to join us, Miss Gilmore.

RORY

I thought we were starting at four.

TEACHER

No, we start at 3:15 sharp.

PARIS

Look, we're wasting time here.

TEACHER

Take a seat Miss Gilmore.

RORY

Sorry.

PARIS

Okay, so we were just finishing up handing out the first assignments. Now, Rory, unfortunately, since you got here so late, most everything of interest has been given out.

RORY

Why, I'm shocked.

PARIS

Wait, wait, just let me check my list here. There might be something left for you. Okay, well, here, they're paving the new parking lot tomorrow.

RORY

And?

PARIS

And you can cover it.

RORY

Cover what?

PARIS

The paving process.

RORY

You're serious?

PARIS

Absolutely. I'm sure there's an angle there somewhere. Is it environmentally safe? What are the financial ramifications? Should brick have been considered especially taking into account the architecture of the building?

RORY

Yeah yeah, I get the idea.

PARIS

But hey, if you think this is below you, you can always wait until the next issue. You can just use this time to get a nice manicure.

RORY

That's okay.

PARIS

Maybe get a massage.

RORY

I'll do it.

PARIS

Aromatherapy. Smell like a peach for a few days.

RORY

I said I'll do it, okay? I'll cover the paving.

PARIS

Okay, good. Well then, I guess that's it.

PARIS

Problem, Miss Gilmore?

RORY

Nope, no problem at all. I love this assignment.

PARIS

I'm glad.

RORY

I'm gonna write the greatest piece on pavement you've ever read.

PARIS

I hope so.

RORY

And next week, when you give me the scoop on the new copper plumbing installation, I'm gonna be just as thrilled.

PARIS

I like a team player.

RORY

And no matter how many crappy, stupid, useless assignments you throw at me, I'm not going to quit and I'm not going to back down. So you can go home tonight and think about the fact that no matter what you do and no matter how evil you are, at the end of the year, on my high school transcript, it's going to say that I worked on The Franklin. So, if you'll excuse me, I have some reading to do on the origins of concrete.

PARIS

A thousand words on my desk on Tuesday.

LORELAI

Hey.

LUKE

Oh geez.

LORELAI

Sorry.

LUKE

No, I'll just...you want some coffee?

LORELAI

It's okay. I'll just lick it off the table. So?

LUKE

So what?

LORELAI

Is he here?

LUKE

He's here.

LORELAI

Yeah? How is he? [sits at counter]

LUKE

He's fine.

LORELAI

Did he see the bed?

LUKE

He saw the bed.

LORELAI

Well, where is he? I wanna meet him.

LUKE

Oh, he's out.

LORELAI

Out where?

LUKE

I don't know.

LORELAI

You don't?

LUKE

No, he just went out.

LORELAI

You didn't ask him where he was going?

LUKE

No.

LORELAI

Why not?

LUKE

Because he's not two.

LORELAI

Yeah, but Luke, he's new in town. He doesn't know his way around yet.

LUKE

Way around what? This is Stars Hollow. You take three left turns and you're back in the center of town.

LORELAI

Luke, when a kid goes out, you have to at least ask where he's going.

LUKE

Why?

LORELAI

Because you're responsible for him now. If he goes and knocks over a liquor store, it's gonna be your fault.

LUKE

If I had asked him where he was going and he actually intended to knock off a liquor store, do you really think he would've told me that?

LORELAI

If he's dumb.

LUKE

He's fine. New topic.

LUKE

Jess, hey, good. I'd like you to meet someone.

LORELAI

Hey. Hi, I'm Lorelai. I just wanted to meet you before Luke had a chance to fill your head with all kinds of little lies about me.

JESS

Hi.

LORELAI

You know, you should meet my daughter. She's about your age. She can show you where all the good wilding goes on. . . .Okay, well, it's nice to meet you. I hope you like it here. . . . . So, class dismissed.

LUKE

Uh, are you hungry 'cause I can... [Jess goes upstairs]

LORELAI

So that's Jess?

LUKE

Yup.

LORELAI

Very chatty.

LUKE

He's adjusting. He just got here. He probably just went out and realized there are twelve stores in this town devoted entirely to peddling porcelain unicorns. I've lived in this town my entire life, I still can't believe it.

LORELAI

I'm sure that's it.

LUKE

He'll be fine in a few days.

LORELAI

Hey, listen, I have a fabulous idea. What are you doing tomorrow night?

LUKE

Why?

LORELAI

Why don't you and Jess come over for dinner?

LUKE

Dinner?

LORELAI

Sookie will cook, Rory will be there. It'll be a little 'Hey, welcome to Stars Hollow and see, everyone here's not straight out of a Fellini film' kind of an evening.

LUKE

Okay, that would be nice, thanks.

LORELAI

You're welcome.

LUKE

You won't bring up the bed?

LORELAI

Oh no, I'll definitely bring up the bed.

RORY

Oh my God, I hate her.

LORELAI

Ah, me too.

RORY

You have no idea who I'm talking about.

LORELAI

Solidarity sister.

RORY

Paris.

LORELAI

Ugh. Well, that I should've guessed.

RORY

She thinks she can torture me off the paper and she can't.

LORELAI

No, she can't.

RORY

I have never met anyone like her before. Her insistence on holding onto this stupid grudge that is based on nothing and will never ever end shows an amount of commitment that I would've never thought possible. I'm beginning to admire her.

LORELAI

First day sucked?

RORY

Just the paper stuff sucked, the rest of the stuff was good.

LORELAI

Good, I'm glad to hear it. Did you happen to run into Max?

RORY

Actually, no.

LORELAI

Really?

RORY

Yeah, our paths just didn't cross.

LORELAI

Isn't he your Lit teacher?

RORY

Yeah, but I do have really tall people sitting in front of me.

LORELAI

Rory.

RORY

I saw him in the hallway and I walked the other way and...

LORELAI

Why?

RORY

I don't know. I thought that's what you'd want me to do.

LORELAI

Just because Max isn't apart of my life anymore doesn't mean he can't be apart of yours. He has to be apart of yours. You have to see him and talk to him, and that's okay. That's good. I know everything seems screwed up right now, but I don't want you to avoid him, especially not on my account. Okay?

RORY

All right.

LORELAI

I am sorry that I put you in this position.

RORY

That's okay. It's going on the list.

LORELAI

My God, that list is getting long.

RORY

You have no idea.

LORELAI

We are having a little gathering tomorrow night.

RORY

What kind of gathering?

LORELAI

Well, Luke's nephew's here, and I thought we could try to make him feel a little more at home.

RORY

Did you meet him?

LORELAI

Sort of.

RORY

What's he like?

LORELAI

Well, he's not gonna be subbing for the new dodo on the Regis show any time soon, let's put in like that.

LUKE

So you get unpacked?

JESS

Yup.

LUKE

Get enough space in the closet?

JESS

Plenty.

LUKE

You hungry?

JESS

Eighteen.

LUKE

What?

JESS

Just counting how many questions 'til we hit twenty.

LUKE

Okay, never mind. [phone rings, Luke answers] Yeah? Yeah, Liz, he got here fine.

JESS

Got here at ten this morning.

LUKE

Okay, hang on a sec. Jess? [holds out the phone]

JESS

Pass.

LUKE

Jess, come on.

JESS

Nope.

LUKE

What am I supposed to tell her?

JESS

Tell her I gotta take another crack at that closet. You know, I think I hung my Tool T-shirt next to my Metallica T-shirt and they don't really get along.

LUKE

You really want me to tell her that?

JESS

You think a different band combo would sell it more?

LUKE

[on phone] Yeah, Liz, Jess is gonna have to call you back. Yeah, he's helping me out with a shelf thing and his hand are full...Yeah, I'll tell him. Okay, bye. [hangs up] She said to tell you that your stuff will be here on Friday.

JESS

Great, we'll have a party.

LUKE

You know, your mom thinks this is. . .you know, for the best and for your own good and. . . Anyhow, I guess you'll just call her when you feel like it.

JESS

You wanna play some poker? Five bucks a hand?

LUKE

No.

JESS

Ten?

LUKE

No.

JESS

I can't go any higher than ten.

LUKE

Jess.

JESS

Okay, fifteen

LUKE

Yeah, I don't wanna play poker.

JESS

You sure?

LUKE

I'm sure.

JESS

Okie dokie.

LUKE

So, listen, Lorelai - you met her today, remember? Anyhow, um, she invited us to her house tomorrow night for dinner. Her daughter Rory, who you didn't meet but you'll like 'cause she's a lot like Lorelai, but she's got a slightly tighter grasp on reality. Anyhow, she'll be there, and you know, it'd be a...I don't know, it'd be a chance for you to meet more people and so I, I said yes.

PARIS

Oh, hello.

RORY

Hi.

PARIS

You're early.

RORY

Yeah, well I felt so bad about the mix up last time, I wanted to make sure it didn't happen again. It won't.

MADELINE

Hey, did you hear that Kimber Slately and Tristin are a major item?

LOUISE

I thought that Kimber and Shawn Asher were this year's John and Jackie.

MADELINE

Nope, Shawn is with Deeds McGuire now, which pushed Jeff Trainer into Dottie Lords' arms leaving Madison Maylands alone for the first weekend since he became captain of the lacrosse team.

LOUISE

Wow, you know so much so soon. You have a gift.

MADELINE

I know. Hey Paris, what do you think about me writing a gossip column for The Franklin?

PARIS

Huh. I don't know. That's a hard one. I mean, this is The Franklin, a newspaper that's been around for almost a hundred years. There have been at least ten former editors of The Franklin that have gone on to work at the New York Times. Six have gone onto the Washington Post. Three are contributing editors at the New Yorker. I think one even went on to win the Pullitzer Prize. But never mind them. I could be the first editor in the history of The Franklin to introduce a column exclusively devoted to who Biffy's boffing today. Quandary. You know, I'm gonna have to get back to you on that one.

MADELINE

Okay.

TEACHER

Oh good, we're all here. And prompt, lovely. Well, I've read everyone's article, and they were all extremely well done. Snappy, informative, well-researched. Paris, you should be very proud of the team you've assembled here this year.

PARIS

Thank you.

TEACHER

I mean, when you've got a reporter who can take an incredibly mundane and seemingly unimportant subject like the re-paving of the faculty parking lot and turn it into a bittersweet piece on how everybody and everything eventually becomes obsolete, then you've really got something. Miss Gilmore, I was touched.

RORY

I owe it all to Paris.

TEACHER

I would strongly advise that next time you give Miss Gilmore something with a little more meat to it.

PARIS

Oh, yeah, great idea.

TEACHER

Okay, let's get down to work here. We've got a layout to put together.

PARIS

Well, congratulations.

RORY

Thank you.

PARIS

You must be very proud of yourself.

RORY

Well, I'm not hiding when I pass a mirror.

PARIS

I guess it's part of my job as editor to make sure that our best writer's are writing our best pieces, so I'm going to give you one of our best pieces.

RORY

Uh huh.

PARIS

Front page, lead story, above the fold.

RORY

Get to the catch Paris.

PARIS

No catch.

RORY

No catch?

PARIS

I'd like to start out year off with a profile on the teacher voted most popular from the year before. You know, an in-depth, no holds barred interview. Everybody wants it. You have it.

RORY

You're kidding.

PARIS

Nope.

RORY

Well, thanks.

PARIS

You're welcome. So go ahead and set up that interview with Mr. Medina as soon as possible.

RORY

What?

PARIS

I know it's short notice but I'd love it to lead off the first edition.

RORY

Mr. Medina?

PARIS

He was the winner by a landslide.

RORY

But...

PARIS

I'm sorry, is there a problem? I mean, is there some reason why you wouldn't want to interview him? After all, you of all people should be able to get the most in-depth story out of him, especially since he and your mother are involved. They are still involved, aren't they?

RORY

Let's just leave my mother's personal life out of this, okay?

PARIS

Oh, that sounds bad.

RORY

It's not bad, it's just none of your business.

PARIS

Fine. You want the interview or not?

RORY

Yes, I want the interview.

PARIS

Good. Get me something more than his favorite color, okay?

SOOKIE

Maybe I should make grilled cheese.

JACKSON

But you're making pot roast.

SOOKIE

But not everybody likes pot roast.

JACKSON

Well, then they can have the chicken wings, the mashed potatoes, the four different kinds of salad that you're making in addition to the pot roast.

SOOKIE

Yeah, I guess you're right.

JACKSON

So I should start slicing the cheese?

SOOKIE

Would you? Oh, that'd be great.

LORELAI

Oh, wow, something smells good.

SOOKIE

It's the garlic.

JACKSON

Three heads of it.

LORELAI

Nice.

SOOKIE

I want everything to be perfect. We are gonna make this kid think that he died and went to heaven.

JACKSON

Or Henry the Eighth's house.

LORELAI

Milady?

RORY

Come in.

LORELAI

Hey, you joining the festivities?

RORY

In a sec.

LORELAI

You sound crabby.

RORY

I'm concentrating.

LORELAI

Okay, don't concentrate too hard. Boys like 'em dumb, right Jackson?

JACKSON

If you can navigate yourself around a tree, keep on walking.

LORELAI

Coming!

SOOKIE

What if he doesn't do dairy?

LORELAI

Hey, perfect timing. Sookie's about to break her own record for the most food served outside the Roman Empire.

LUKE

Sounds great.

JESS

Sure does.

LORELAI

So, come on in.

LUKE

Sorry we're a little late. We had a little misunderstanding about what time we're actually supposed to leave to come here.

LORELAI

It's okay. How's it going?

LUKE

Oh, well, not bad. Oh, the bed popped.

LORELAI

Yikes. Was anyone in it?

LUKE

Me.

LORELAI

You?

LUKE

Yeah, I let him take the real one.

LORELAI

Well, that was very nice of you. Hey Jess. Wanna come on in the kitchen?

LORELAI

Sookie, Jackson, I want you to meet Luke's nephew. This is Jess.

SOOKIE

Do you eat cheese?

JESS

What?

JACKSON

Oh my God, this is the greatest lemon I have ever grown. I mean, this is a great lemon. Sookie, you gotta try this lemon. Isn't it a great lemon?

SOOKIE

That is a great lemon.

JACKSON

Try it, it's a Meyer.

LORELAI

Jackson grows fruit and then scares people with it. Rory, they're here.

RORY

Coming. [sees Jess] Hey.

JESS

Hey. [walks into Rory's room]

RORY

I'm Rory.

JESS

Yeah, I figured.

RORY

Nice to meet you.

JESS

[looking at bookshelf] Wow, aren't we hooked on phonics.

RORY

Oh, I read a lot. Do you read?

JESS

Not much. [takes a book off the shelf]

RORY

I could loan you that if you want. It's great.

JESS

No thanks. [puts it down]

RORY

Well, if you change your mind...

LORELAI

[from the doorway] Okay, we really need to get Jackson away from the lemons now, so we're moving the feast in the living room. [walks away]

RORY

Be right there.

JESS

So do these open? [looking at windows]

RORY

Oh yeah, you just have to unlatch them and then push.

JESS

Great. Shall we?

RORY

Shall we what?

JESS

Bail.

RORY

No.

JESS

Why?

RORY

Because it's Tuesday night in Stars Hollow. There's nowhere to bail to. The 24-hour mini-mart just closed twenty minutes ago.

JESS

So we'll walk around or sit on a bench and stare at our shoes.

RORY

Look, Sookie just made a ton of really great food, and I'm starving and though it may not seem like it right at this moment, it's gonna be fun. Trust me.

JESS

I don't even know you.

RORY

Well, don't I look trustworthy?

JESS

Maybe.

RORY

Okay, good. Let's eat. [walks into kitchen] You want a soda?

JESS

Oh, I'll get it.

RORY

Okay.

SOOKIE

You know ham was originally made out of rice?

JACKSON

What?

SOOKIE

Mm hmm.

LORELAI

Sookie...

LUKE

Hey Rory, where's Jess?

RORY

He's getting a soda.

LORELAI

Here. [hands Luke a plate]

LUKE

I'm sorry, you must've mistaken me for you.

LORELAI

Ooh, too much?

SOOKIE

Oh, I forgot the garlic bread.

LORELAI

I'll get it.

LORELAI

Oh, for me, hey, thanks. [takes a sip] Refreshing. So what, you're not hungry?

JESS

Not really.

LORELAI

Well, Sookie made you some grilled cheese if you don't like pot roast.

JESS

Oh, well, if I'd had known that...

LORELAI

Let me guess, you don't want to be here?

JESS

Doesn't matter.

LORELAI

I mean, here in Stars Hollow.

JESS

Well geez, Ms. Gilmore, why would anyone not want to be here in Stars Hollow? That just sounds plum crazy.

LORELAI

Ugh, Jess, let me give you a little advice. The whole 'my parents don't get me' thing, I've been there.

JESS

You have, huh?

LORELAI

Yes, I have. I've also done the 'chip on my shoulder' bit. Ooh, and the surly, sarcastic, 'the world can bite my ass' bit, and let me tell you, I mastered them all, in heels, yet. And everything you're feeling might be totally justified, maybe you are getting screwed. But Luke is a great guy. He's very special, and he really wants to take care of you and make things right for you. You're incredibly lucky to have him. If you give this situation half a chance, you might be surprised at how good it can be, how much you like living here, and how comfortable it feels to have someone like Luke you can really depend on.

JESS

What are you sleeping with him or something?

LORELAI

Excuse me?

JESS

I don't know. The whole starry eyed 'you're so much better off, just give it a chance' speech. You're either really naïve, or you're getting some.

LORELAI

Ugh. There have been very few moments in my life where I have actually wished I had one of those enormous cream pies you can just smash in someone's face, but this is definitely one of them.

JESS

Well, now, that's not very neighborly.

LORELAI

Hey, you know what, this is my house, and I choose how I get talked to in it, ha ha.

JESS

You know, you don't know anything about me, or my life, or my mom, or Luke, so why don't you Doctor Laura someone else.

LORELAI

I'm going inside, stay out of my fridge.

LUKE

Where's Jess?

LORELAI

Outside working on his "Breakfast Club" audition. He's getting good.

LUKE

What?

LORELAI

Luke, I'm sorry. That kid is way more screwed up than you think he is.

LUKE

What are you talking about?

LORELAI

I catch him outside with a beer, I don't even bust him on it, I just...I try talking to him...

LUKE

What do you mean, talk to him? What did you say?

LORELAI

I said he's got a good thing going here with you and he shouldn't blow it, and then, well then he just got charming.

LUKE

What are you doing talking to him about stuff like that?

LORELAI

I'm trying to help you.

LUKE

I don't need your help.

LORELAI

Uh, yeah you do.

LUKE

Oh, here we go again with this 'I'm not prepared for this' crap.

LORELAI

This is not crap, this is the truth. Luke, you should've heard him talking.

LUKE

I don't need to hear him talking, he's my nephew and I know what I'm doing. And I'm getting a little tired of your condescending...

LORELAI

I am not being condescending.

LUKE

Oh, you have a kid, so you know everything, right?

LORELAI

I have a kid, so yeah, I know a little more than you do.

LUKE

You know, you ever think maybe you just got lucky with Rory? I mean, you did get pregnant at sixteen. That doesn't show the greatest decision making skills, now does it?

LORELAI

Wow, two pies.

LUKE

What the hell you talking about?

LORELAI

Nothing. I'm talking about nothing. And you won't have to hear my opinion on anything ever again, okay?

LUKE

Oh, don't tease.

LORELAI

Go find Jess. [walks away]

LUKE

Don't tell me what to do. [goes out the back door]

RORY

You're being completely childish.

LORELAI

Am not.

RORY

So what, we're never gonna go into Luke's again? We're just gonna starve?

LORELAI

Rory, this was a bad one, okay? This was not Nick and Nora, this was Sid and Nancy, and I'm not going in there.

RORY

But the coffee is in there. And it's Danish Day. Are you seriously telling me that you're gonna let a stupid fight get in the way of Danish Day?

LORELAI

No, I'm not.

RORY

Good.

LORELAI

So go in there and order two coffees and two Danishes to go.

RORY

You're kidding, right?

LORELAI

And don't forget the napkins.

RORY

Mom, he's gonna know what's going on. He's not stupid.

LORELAI

He cannot prove that you're not ordering all that for yourself, can he? No, so go on. Scoot, scoot. Mommy's right here.

RORY

Hey Luke.

LUKE

Rory.

RORY

Um, I'll have two coffees and two cherry Danishes to go, please.

LUKE

Two coffees and two cherry Danishes.

RORY

Oh, and some napkins.

LUKE

One of these is for her isn't it?

RORY

Who? Oh, no no no. They're all for me. I am super hungry today. I was debating ordering three, but I'll tell you how I feel after two.

LUKE

Tell you what, I'll give you one Danish and one cup of coffee, you can sit over there and eat, and when you're finished them right over there where I can see you, then I'll bring you a second one.

RORY

You're really just gonna stand there and watch me eat a Danish?

LUKE

Cable's out. I'm starved for entertainment.

RORY

Okay, this is insane. So you guys had a fight, big deal. You know you're gonna make up anyway, and what better day to make up than Danish Day, the happiest of all days. The day when we all say, 'hey, let's forgive and forget over a nice Danish and a cup coffee.'

LUKE

One Danish, one cup of coffee, take it or leave it.

RORY

I'll take it. I still think you're being silly.

LUKE

Thank you for sharing. Come back soon.

LORELAI

Well?

RORY

He would only sell me one.

LORELAI

Ugh! Didn't you say they were both for you?

RORY

Yes I did, and he knew that I was lying.

LORELAI

Did you do the blinky thing? You always do the blinky thing when you're lying.

RORY

I didn't have to do the blinky thing. He knows you well enough to know that you're not gonna go a whole day with no coffee and especially no Danish.

LORELAI

Ugh!

RORY

Why don't you go in there now and just make up?

LORELAI

Why don't you give me half your Danish and some coffee?

RORY

I'll give you the Danish but I'm keeping the coffee.

LORELAI

What is a Danish without coffee?

RORY

The eternal question springs up again.

LORELAI

There's no point in even eating a Danish without coffee.

RORY

I'm going to school.

LORELAI

Sad Danish, lonely Danish, step Danish.

RORY

I'll see you tonight. [walks away]

LORELAI

But... [sees a little boy crossing the street] Hey, kid, do me a favor? Come here.

LORELAI

Please, please...

LUKE

Luke's...what is it Taylor? Slow down, you're babbling. Well, how do you know it was Jess? . . . Okay, Taylor, I'll talk to him, but if he tells me he didn't do it and nobody saw him do it, then he is off the hook, understand? [hangs up]

RORY

Hi.

MAX

Rory, hi.

RORY

Am I too early? 'Cause I can...

MAX

No, no.

RORY

...come back some other time.

MAX

This is fine.

RORY

Tomorrow maybe.

MAX

Now is good.

RORY

This is weird.

MAX

Yeah, it is.

RORY

I don't really know how to act.

MAX

I'm not completely sure of that myself. We could sit.

RORY

Sit, sure, that's good. Barbara Walters sits, or walks sometimes if the person she's talking to has a horse or a ranch or a big backyard sometimes, but usually she just sits. Okay, so I guess we should just start. [she sits across from him]

MAX

Good idea.

RORY

Do you mind if I tape this?

MAX

Oh, no, not at all.

RORY

Okay. [turns on tape recorder] So I guess I'll just dive in. Full name?

MAX

Max Arturo Medina.

RORY

You're kidding.

MAX

No, I'm not.

RORY

Where does that come from?

MAX

My father's butcher was named Arturo.

RORY

Really?

MAX

And when my mother was pregnant with me, she went through this phase where all she would eat was lamb chops. So Arturo would cut her the extra large lamb chops and only charge her for the regular sized lamb chops, which in my family made you eligible for sainthood.

RORY

Hence the Arturo.

MAX

That's right.

RORY

Well, I assume that you are aware that you were overwhelmingly voted the student's favorite teacher last year.

MAX

I teach an exceptional bunch of young people. I'm glad they seem to like me as much as I like them.

RORY

Have you ever thought of doing something other than teaching?

MAX

Well, my father wanted me to be a doctor, and my mother wanted me to be President, and I wanted to be. . . a clown.

RORY

What?

MAX

When I was a kid, I went to the circus and I saw this man who was dressed in this crazy outfit, and he could juggle and he rode on an elephant and the people loved him and I thought, 'Well, that's it. That's for me.'

RORY

How long did that last?

MAX

Junior high. And then slowly I figured out that I wanted to teach. Plus, when you told people that you wanted to be a clown they tended to get very frightened.

RORY

Mom took me to the circus once, when I was really little and, um, this clown knocked into me and I dropped my cotton candy, and we didn't have a lot of money back then so she couldn't buy me another one, and I started crying. So she literally chased the clown on stage, ripped off his wig and said she wouldn't give it back to him unless he bought me another cotton candy.

MAX

Which I bet he did.

RORY

It was twice as big as the first one and I threw up all the way home.

MAX

Yeah, that sounds like your mom.

RORY

Do you ever regret the fact that you didn't become a clown?

MAX

I don't really believe in regrets. All my experiences, even the ones that didn't turn out the way I wanted them to, I firmly believe they were all worth it.

RORY

I just want you to know, I really wanted you to be my stepfather.

MAX

I just want you to know, I really wanted to be your stepfather.

RORY

So, what would you say are the great challenges facing high school graduates today?

MAX

Well, a myriad of things really...

LUKE

Hey. How was school?

JESS

Great.

LUKE

You learn anything good?

JESS

Oh yeah, tons of things. I've got gold stars plastered all over my forehead.

LUKE

I had an interesting call today. Wanna know who it was from?

JESS

Not really.

LUKE

It was from Taylor Doose, you know he owns the market.

JESS

If you say so.

LUKE

He said you came in today.

JESS

He did?

LUKE

And he said you took some money out of a little donation cup to help repair the bridge. I told him he was crazy, you wouldn't do that, you weren't a thief, that he was just trying to start trouble, then I hung up on him. But don't get me wrong, I enjoy hanging up on Taylor, and he is crazy, but I was just wondering if maybe any of the other things he said were true.

JESS

What do you think?

LUKE

I think that if you tell me that what he's saying is not true, then I'm gonna believe it's not true.

JESS

Okay, it's not true.

LUKE

That doesn't sound very convincing.

JESS

Look, what exactly do you want from me? You bring me here to this place, you put me in a school that says the Pledge of Allegiance in six different languages, two of which I've never heard of before. You take me away from my home, my friends, and now you want what from me?

LUKE

I'm trying to help you.

JESS

Well, stop trying. Stop talking to me, stop following me, and stop asking me questions. Just stop.

LUKE

That's what you want?

JESS

Yes.

LUKE

That's really what you want?

JESS

Yes.

LUKE

Fine, you got it.

JESS

Thank you.

LUKE

You're welcome.

LORELAI

Rory?

RORY

Kitchen.

LORELAI

Nowhere in either Stars Hollow or it's surrounding counties can you get a decent cup of coffee. I swear, it's like a big stupid coffee conspiracy.

RORY

Why don't you just pour the water right into the bag?

LORELAI

Oh, you jest, but believe me, the thought has crossed my mind. It's looking better and better all the time. Where are you going? I'm not through complaining.

RORY

I just have to get some more notes I need.

LORELAI

Hmm. What's this?

RORY

What?

LORELAI

This that you're working on?

RORY

Oh, that's my interview with Max.

LORELAI

What interview with Max?

RORY

The paper wanted to do a piece on the student's favorite teacher from the previous year and Paris assigned it to me when she caught wind of the fact that. . .

LORELAI

Wow, nice kid that Paris.

RORY

Yeah. It wasn't that bad though.

LORELAI

No?

RORY

No. It was actually good. It gave us a chance to talk about some things.

LORELAI

Well good.

RORY

Yeah, it was good. Well, I'm gonna buy a folder for it before the store closes.

LORELAI

Okay. Some good writing here, missy.

RORY

Yeah?

LORELAI

Really good.

RORY

It's not quite up to the re-paving piece yet but I'll get it there.

LORELAI

Hmm. Boy, he sounds like a hell of a guy, doesn't he?

RORY

Yeah, he does. [leaves]

LORELAI

I sure know how to dump 'em, don't I?

LORELAI

Hey.

LUKE

I just pushed him in a lake.

LORELAI

What?

LUKE

Jess. I got this call from Taylor that he thinks Jess stole the bridge money and I went to confront him and he was being impossible and I just pushed him in a lake. This is bad.

LORELAI

That depends, can he swim?

LUKE

He's fine. He's wet. I just, I lost it, you know. You were right. I am in so far over my head that I can't see my own hat.

LORELAI

Try turning it around

LUKE

What was I thinking? Why did I say yes to this?

LORELAI

Because you saw a kid in desperate need of some help and you thought you would throw him a line.

LUKE

But me, raising a kid? I don't even like kids. They're always sticky, you know, like they've got jam on their hands. Even if there's no jam in the house, somehow they've always got jam on their hands. I'm not the right guy to deal with that. I have no patience for jam hands.

LORELAI

Luke, slow down. First of all, Jess is seventeen, so I think he's probably past the jam hands stage by now. And second of all, you can do this. If you want to, you are totally capable. But you can't just buy a bed and some sheets and expect the rest to take care of itself. That will not work.

LUKE

I swear, I'm gonna kill Liz.

LORELAI

Hey, Liz is not the point anymore. Liz is not here, Jess is here. Focus on him. What are you gonna do about him?

BABETTE

Lorelai, sugah? I hate to bother you, but have you seen Pierpont?

LORELAI

Um no. Why?

BABETTE

It's the darndest thing. I came out just now and I noticed that he was gone. Just like that.

LUKE

I'm sorry, who's missing?

BABETTE

Pierpont, gorgeous.

LORELAI

Her gnome.

LUKE

Her gnome?

BABETTE

The one with the pipe.

LUKE

Oh.

BABETTE

Oh God, I hope nothing's happened to him. You get so attached to their little faces, sometimes you can hear them talk to you at night.

LUKE

You know, I wouldn't worry Babette. I think you're gonna see Pierpont again really soon. [walks to the front door]

LORELAI

Oh, where you going?

LUKE

I have to take care of something. I'll see you tomorrow at the diner for your Danish, right?

LORELAI

Tomorrow isn't Danish Day.

LUKE

Just be there.

LORELAI

Yes, sir.

LUKE

Okay, we got the patch, the gum, hypnosis tapes, Chinese herbs, self-help books, and several pictures of diseased lungs to hang on the fridge. Pretty, huh? This is done. [puts out his cigarette]

JESS

Hey!

LUKE

You will get up, you will go to school, you will come home, you will work in the diner until closing, you will do your homework and then you will go to bed. Where's the gnome?

JESS

The what?

LUKE

The weekends are for chores and selected pre-approved outings, i.e. cavalla studies, freeway beautification projects, Color Me Mine pottery painting, all discussible options. You will not steal, you will pay back Taylor Doose, you will graduate for high school, and you will return Pierpont to his yard.

JESS

You can't just...

LUKE

I can just. I am not letting you just fall off the face of the earth. You will not drift, I won't let it happen. Now I don't know if this is the right way to handle this, but this is the way it's being handled, and that my friend, is the end of this discussion. [Jess gets up and walks away] Where are you going?

JESS

Out. [leaves]

LUKE

Well, at least I asked.

JESS

Hey.

RORY

Hey yourself.

JESS

What are you doing out here?

RORY

I needed something for school. What about you?

JESS

Oh yeah, same thing.

RORY

Uh huh. So, that was quite a disappearing act you pulled the other night.

JESS

Potlucks and Tupperware parties aren't really my thing.

RORY

Too cool for school, huh?

JESS

Yes, that is me.

RORY

What are you doing?

JESS

Oh this? Nothing. [does an illusion with a coin] Just another little disappearing act.

RORY

Little tip?

JESS

Yeah?

RORY

If you ever want to speak to me again, don't pull that out of my ear.

JESS

So I assume the nose is off limits too?

RORY

Any place you wouldn't naturally find a coin, let's leave it that way.

JESS

So what are you doing now?

RORY

I have some homework to finish.

JESS

Okay, then I'll leave you this last little trick. [hands her a book]

RORY

You bought a copy? I told you I'd lend you mine.

JESS

It is yours.

RORY

You stole my book.

JESS

Nope, borrowed it.

RORY

Okay, that's not called a trick, that's called a felony.

JESS

I just wanted to put some notes in the margins for you.

RORY

What? [looks through the book] You've read this before.

JESS

About forty times.

RORY

I thought you said you didn't read much.

JESS

Well, what is much? Goodnight Rory.

RORY

Goodnight Dodger.

JESS

Dodger?

RORY

Figure it out.

JESS

Oliver Twist.