T2E6: “Presenting Lorelai Gilmore”

MAID

Yes?

LORELAI

Hey.

MAID

Hello.

LORELAI

You're new.

MAID

Uh, I started yesterday.

LORELAI

What's your name?

MAID

Liesl.

LORELAI

Okay, Liesl. I'm Brigitta, this is Gretl. And, uh, Emily and Richard are expecting us.

LIESL

Oh, I'm sorry. Please come in.

LIESL

Uh, can I, uh, get you a drink?

LORELAI

You know what, that's okay. I can get it. Why don't you go hide in the kitchen?

LIESL

Really? Thank you. [walks away]

RORY

What is going on?

LORELAI

I don't know. I think George and Martha are joining us for dinner.

RICHARD

I didn't know that my every conversation needed to be reported to you. I stand corrected.

EMILY

I have been the co-chair of the Starlight Foundation for the last eight years.

RICHARD

I know this, Emily.

EMILY

And the Black and White Ball is the main fundraising event of the season.

RICHARD

It's one year.

EMILY

The co-chair cannot miss the main fundraising event.

RICHARD

Why? Won't the chair be there?

EMILY

Is this a joke to you?

RICHARD

Emily, I have too many things to take care of at work. I don't have time for frivolous parties.

EMILY

Frivolous parties? Friv. . . .[walks up the steps]

RICHARD

Well, where are you going? Oh, come back here. [follows her]

RORY

Wow, this is bad.

LORELAI

I know, I wish we had popcorn.

RORY

Mom.

LORELAI

Shh. Incoming.

EMILY

The Hartford Zoological Silent Auction, the Mark Twain House Restoration Fund luncheon, the Harriet Beecher Stowe Literacy Auction.

RICHARD

I can read those myself, you know.

EMILY

This is the fourth event you've taken upon yourself to turn down on our behalf. And I am on the board of all of those foundations. Now how do you think that makes me look?

RICHARD

Like your husband is busy and has a great deal of responsibility.

EMILY

Well, I have responsibilities too.

RICHARD

I understand that your social engagements are important.

EMILY

They're not just social engagements.

RICHARD

Anything at which you serve tea is a social engagement.

EMILY

That's it. I am gonna get a tape recorder so you can hear how pompous and condescending you sound.

RICHARD

Wha...uh...Emily.

EMILY

No, I wouldn't want you to take my word for it. I might be delirious from all that tea I've been drinking. [walks upstairs]

RICHARD

Oh stop this. [follows her]

RORY

Maybe we should leave.

LORELAI

Are you kidding? We've got dinner theater here.

RORY

But Grandma and Grandpa are obviously in a fight.

LORELAI

Yeah?

RORY

One that they probably wouldn't want us to see.

LORELAI

Hey, we stumbled in here completely innocently. We came for dinner as usual, per their request. We had no idea we were walking into The Lion King without the puppet heads.

RICHARD

Get that thing out of my face.

EMILY

Just say the tea thing again.

RICHARD

You are behaving like a child.

EMILY

Turn around when you talk, would you? I'm not sure how good this microphone is.

RICHARD

[sees Lorelai and Rory] Oh.

EMILY

What?

LORELAI

[claps] Brava! Encore! I'm sorry, does Terrence McNally know about you too? Get me the phone!

RORY

It sucks. I know it sucks, just tell me it sucks.

LORELAI

It's great.

RORY

No it's not.

LORELAI

It's an A.

RORY

Don't lie.

LORELAI

A-plus.

RORY

You're my mom.

LORELAI

Is anything higher than an A-plus?

RORY

You have to say that.

LORELAI

It's an A-plus with a crown and a wand.

RORY

This is not how you raise a child. You don't send them out there with a false sense of pride because out there, in the real world, no one will coddle you. I'd rather know right now if I'm gonna be working at CNN or carrying a basket around it's offices with sandwiches in it.

LORELAI

Rory.

RORY

Yeah?

LORELAI

It's great.

RORY

Really?

LORELAI

Really really.

RORY

Thank you.

LUKE

Coffee...coffee. Okay, what do you want? Eggs, toast, combo?

LORELAI

What's the rush there, Zippy?

LUKE

I'm just swamped this morning. I was supposed to have help but I don't. So order right now or I'm bringing the both of you an egg white omelet with a side of steamed spinach.

LORELAI

Pancakes.

RORY

French toast.

LUKE

Thank you. [Jess walks into the diner from the stairway] Jess, you were supposed to be down here. . . .what the hell is that?

JESS

What?

LUKE

That.

JESS

That is a shirt.

LUKE

Change.

JESS

What?

LUKE

Go upstairs and change your shirt.

JESS

I like this shirt.

LUKE

How can you like that shirt?

JESS

It brings out my eyes.

LUKE

Hey, part of the deal of you staying here is that you work here, and when you work here you will wear proper work attire, and that is not proper work attire. Now go upstairs and change into something that won't scare the hell out of my customers.

JESS

Whatever you say Uncle Luke. [goes upstairs]

LORELAI

Gross shirt.

RORY

Yeah.

LORELAI

Good band.

RORY

Oh yeah.

EMILY

Thank you.

MAID

Mm hmm. [walks away]

LADY 1

Another new one, Emily?

EMILY

Yes. The last one only made it through one evening. Thoroughly nervous creature.

LADY 2

What do you do to them, Em?

EMILY

Oh, the usual. Clean this, cook that, sacrifice a virgin on your way out.

LADY 1

[laughs] The things you say.

LADY 2

We could've done with some of that at the ball the other night.

EMILY

Why, was it dull?

LADY 2

I felt as if my shoes were going out of style as I sat there.

EMILY

What a shame.

LADY 3

Now, Nattie, it wasn't all dull. Are we forgetting Truly Bishop?

NATTIE

Oh, that's right.

EMILY

What, what about Truly Bishop?

LADY 3

Well, you know she and Eugene split up last month.

EMILY

What?

NATTIE

Oh Em! You knew about that. They had this huge fight at the. . oh that's right, you missed the Schafer's cocktail party.

EMILY

They broke up at the Schafer's cocktail party?

NATTIE

He has another family in Salisbury.

EMILY

No!

LADY 3

She's 26, with a 2 year old.

EMILY

How did Truly find out?

NATTIE

The little tart sent her a letter.

EMILY

Oh my God.

LADY 1

So Truly confronted Eugene after consuming a bottle and a half of Cristal, and he admitted it. He said he was going to leave her and marry the Salisbury concubine.

EMILY

What did she do?

LADY 1

She threw an ice sculpture at his head.

EMILY

I can't believe I missed that.

LADY 1

You've missed everything lately.

LADY 3

Yes, where have you been? Is everything all right?

EMILY

Yes, it's just, uh, Richard.

NATTIE

He hasn't been hanging out in Salisbury, has he?

EMILY

No, he's been swamped at work. Night and day, weekends. You'd think he was the only person who worked at that company. Plus, he hasn't been feeling very well. His back and knees. Very bad knees. [Sees Rory at the patio doorway] Oh Rory, what a nice surprise.

RORY

Hey Grandma. Sorry to butt in like this.

EMILY

Nonsense, come and meet my friends. Ladies, I'd like you to meet my granddaughter Rory.

LADY 3

Well, hello Rory.

RORY

Nice to meet you.

NATTIE

My goodness, what a pretty girl you are.

LADY 1

She looks just like Lorelai, doesn't she?

NATTIE

The eyes.

LADY 3

The nose.

LADY 1

Walk around sweetie.

EMILY

Sally, leave the girl alone.

LADY 1

I just wanna see the walk. Lorelai had such a specific walk.

LADY 3

Fast.

LADY 1

That was it.

EMILY

Come, sit, would you like some tea?

RORY

Oh, no. I just came to pick up a book that Grandpa was supposed to leave for me.

EMILY

Go check his study. It might be on his desk.

RORY

Okay, thanks. [walks inside]

LADY 3

Emily, your granddaughter is just lovely. How old is she?

EMILY

Sixteen.

LADY 3

Sixteen, that's a nice age.

LADY 1

So, have you thought about her debut?

EMILY

Oh, uh, no, not yet.

LADY 3

Well you know, the Daughters of the Daughters of the American Revolution Debutante Ball is next week.

EMILY

It is? I hadn't realized.

LADY 3

Why don't you present Rory there?

EMILY

Oh. . uh. . Well, I don't know. Isn't it a little late?

LADY 1

Oh please. For Emily Gilmore, I'm sure they'll bend the rules.

LADY 3

Oh you have to. With a girl like that Emily, you'll be the hit of the ball.

NATTIE

She'd definitely be the prettiest one there.

LADY 1

Except for Katie Heathington.

LADY 3

No, didn't you hear? Katie fell off her horse, has a scab on her face.

NATTIE

Oh, well then, if Katie Heathington has a scab on her face, Rory will definitely be the prettiest one there.

LADY 3

It'll be your crowning moment.

RORY

I found it. [pause] Yay.

RORY

I'm coming out.

LORELAI

Out of what?

RORY

Out into society.

LORELAI

What are you talking about?

RORY

I went to Grandma's house after school.

LORELAI

Okay, right away, bad.

RORY

And, um, her DAR friends are all there and they're talking about this debutante ball that's being thrown.

LORELAI

Oh no.

RORY

And when I got back from Grandpa's office, they all invited me out onto the patio.

LORELAI

No no no, please tell me you did not go out onto the patio.

RORY

I went out onto the patio.

LORELAI

Ugh, Rory, that's like accepting the position as the drummer in Spinal Tap.

RORY

Before I knew it, Grandma was telling me how important it is for a person to be properly presented to society.

LORELAI

Ugh.

RORY

And how every young girl dreams of this day.

LORELAI

Agh.

RORY

And how there are flowers.

LORELAI

Oh Lord.

RORY

And music.

LORELAI

Please.

RORY

And cake.

LORELAI

Oh yeah, the cake's actually good.

RORY

And before I knew it, Grandma was bringing out your old dress and I was trying it on and. . . what are you doing?

LORELAI

I'm getting you out of this. [picks up phone]

RORY

Mom, wait.

LORELAI

I swear, there is nothing in the world my mother is better at than getting someone to agree to something that in any other universe, they would never ever consider.

RORY

Mom.

LORELAI

I am still convinced she had something to do with Lily Tomlin doing that movie with John Travolta.

RORY

I'm doing this.

LORELAI

Why?

RORY

Because you should've seen the look on Grandma's face when she asked me. It's just really really important to her.

LORELAI

But. . .

RORY

Now if it's that important to her, and it's not that important to me, then why shouldn't I do it?

LORELAI

Rory, do you now what a coming out party says?

RORY

It says I'm a woman now.

LORELAI

No. It says, 'Hi, I'm Rory. I'm of good breeding and marriageable age, and I will now parade around in front of young men of similarly good breeding and marriageable age so they can all take a good long look at me.'

RORY

You're exaggerating.

LORELAI

No, it's like animals being up for bid at the county fair, except sheep don't wear hoop skirts.

RORY

Look, I promised, but you don't have to be apart of it if you don't want to.

LORELAI

No, no, if you wanna do it, I'll help. It's just weird. This is all the stuff I ran away from. I just assumed you'd be running with me.

RORY

Well, I would, but I heard debutantes don't run. Something about the heels.

LORELAI

All right then. If you're sure, where do we start? Uh, let's see. Well, you have a dress. You need a dowry, I guess. There you go. And uh, you'll need shoes, hose, gloves, some mice, a dog, a pumpkin. What's wrong?

RORY

Oh, nothing.

LORELAI

Rory.

RORY

Oh, no, it just says that your father is supposed to present you at the ceremony.

LORELAI

Oh.

RORY

Whatever, it's no big deal. I can get someone else to do it. Grandpa probably.

LORELAI

Rory.

RORY

Or Taylor.

LORELAI

Okay.

RORY

Or the cable guy looked pretty friendly last week. Maybe he has a tux.

LORELAI

Hand me the phone.

RORY

I was kidding about the cable guy. What are you doing?

LORELAI

[dials phone] Look missy, there are plenty of things that should weird you out about coming out, but inviting your father shouldn't be one of them.

OPERATOR

The number you have dialed. . .

LORELAI

Umm, wra. . . gum wrapper.

RORY

He's not going to come.

LORELAI

You don't know until you ask.

RORY

Mom.

LORELAI

[dials new number] Look, we call, we ask, there's no harm. Trust me. Cable guy's not going anywhere.

CHRISTOPHER

Hello?

LORELAI

Ugh, hi. Where the hell are you?

CHRISTOPHER

Boston.

LORELAI

Boston? [walks into living room]

CHRISTOPHER

Yeah, Boston. Baked Beans, cream pie, tea party, strangler.

LORELAI

Oh, that Boston.

CHRISTOPHER

And you?

LORELAI

Me.

CHRISTOPHER

Where are you?

LORELAI

Helsinki.

CHRISTOPHER

Really.

LORELAI

Yeah, I finally got the girl band together and after a week opening stateside, we headed across the Atlantic and now we're huge with the Nordic set.

CHRISTOPHER

It's good to hear from you. We haven't talked in awhile.

LORELAI

You could've called too, you know. Or do you have one of those special phones that only receives calls?

CHRISTOPHER

Well, I figured you had a lot going on what with the engagement and the canceling of the engagement. How's that going, by the way?

LORELAI

No, still canceled.

CHRISTOPHER

You okay?

LORELAI

Good. And I'm even better when I'm not talking about it.

CHRISTOPHER

Moving on then.

LORELAI

So I have some shocking news. Rory's coming out.

CHRISTOPHER

Out of what?

LORELAI

Coming out. White dresses, gloves, curtsies.

CHRISTOPHER

Stop it.

LORELAI

I swear to God.

CHRISTOPHER

I can't believe you're letting her do it.

LORELAI

Oh, well, I wasn't about to let her use my method of getting out of it.

CHRISTOPHER

This is crazy.

LORELAI

She's doing it as a favor to my mom, there's no talking her out of it.

CHRISTOPHER

Well, did you tell her about Barbara Hutton, Doris Duke, Gloria Vanderbilt?

LORELAI

Yes, and she's perfectly willing to marry Cary Grant, get offed by her crazy butler and start designing blue jeans as soon as the ball ends.

CHRISTOPHER

Well, okay, if that's what she wants.

LORELAI

Now comes the reason for my phone call.

CHRISTOPHER

All your regular 976 numbers are busy.

LORELAI

Now I know this is totally not your thing, but as you will remember, part of the whole coming out process involves the girls being escorted around the dance floor by their Dads.

CHRISTOPHER

Ah.

LORELAI

Now, I know you would rather sit through "Endless Love" than ever be apart of this scene again. But this is very important to your daughter and she has never asked you for anything, and although no one's keeping track, it would seem that your constant non-presence in her life and your lack of ever showing up when you say you're going to or calling when you say you're going to or basically doing anything when you say you're going to would tend to indicate that you owe her, big time. Now before you say no, I want you to take a minute and remember you have a great daughter who needs you and she has a mother who will hunt you down like a half-priced Kate Spade purse if you disappoint her.

CHRISTOPHER

Okay, I'm there.

LORELAI

By there, do you mean the Daughters of the American Revolution Annual Debutante Ball?

CHRISTOPHER

Yes.

LORELAI

Oh Chris, please don't make this promise if you can't.

CHRISTOPHER

I wouldn't miss it.

LORELAI

It's next weekend.

CHRISTOPHER

I'll clear my schedule.

LORELAI

You swear?

CHRISTOPHER

Oh wait, next weekend?

LORELAI

Christopher!

CHRISTOPHER

I'm kidding, I will definitely be there.

LORELAI

Okay, and in exchange for that I will refrain from saying the ten things that came to mind for making fun of your schedule.

CHRISTOPHER

Thanks.

LORELAI

Bye.

CHRISTOPHER

Bye.

LORELAI

Hey Little Debbie, your dad is definitely gonna be there.

RORY

You're kidding!

LORELAI

No, he's gonna walk you down the stairs, and turn you in a circle, watch you curtsy, and announce that Rory Gilmore is officially open for business.

RORY

I can't believe it. And he definitely said definitely?

LORELAI

Definitely.

RORY

So there's a fifty/fifty chance.

LORELAI

I don't know. He sounded pretty sure, I'd say sixty/forty.

LORELAI

No Mom, I'm sure one crinolin will be plenty. No, she doesn't. I'm sure she doesn't. Yeah, in what scenario would I have bought Rory elbow length kidskin gloves, Mom? Oh, I'm sorry, I meant what scenario on my planet would I have bought Rory elbow length kidskin gloves?

RORY

So?

DEAN

So what?

RORY

It's good huh?

DEAN

It's the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction.

RORY

And doesn't Neil Young look cool?

DEAN

I guess.

RORY

If you'll notice, he's wearing a tux.

DEAN

Neil Young looks cool because he's Neil Young, not because he's wearing a tux.

LORELAI

No, I don't have to ask her mom 'cause I know the answer. I know the answer Mom, I know the answer. Yeah, no, okay, well I don't have to ask her Mom...Hold on. Rory, would you like Grandma's hairstylist to come and set your hair before the ball? . . Oh, I did not coach her Mom, go back to talking about gloves.

RORY

I think you're gonna look great in a tux.

LANE

Tails.

DEAN

What?

LANE

Yeah, according to this it says that all escorts must be properly attired in black tails, white cumberbuns, and white gloves.

DEAN

What?

RORY

I'm sure the gloves are optional.

LANE

Not according to this.

DEAN

Tails? Gloves?

RORY

Remember Neil Young. Remember that you love me. Remember that I'll be watching BattleBots with you for a month.

DEAN

Show me Neil Young again.

RORY

Dad!

RORY

Dad! [runs to the car]

CHRISTOPHER

Whoa! Hold it right there. A lady never runs out to meet a gentleman caller who hasn't been announced.

RORY

Sorry, we haven't tamed my wild ways yet.

CHRISTOPHER

Thank God I'm here now.

RORY

I missed you! [hugs him]

CHRISTOPHER

Me too.

LORELAI

Hey.

CHRISTOPHER

Hey.

LORELAI

What is this?

CHRISTOPHER

What? Oh my God, where did this come from?

LORELAI

What happened to your bike?

CHRISTOPHER

A crazy game of key exchange at the car wash.

LORELAI

This is a car.

CHRISTOPHER

Yes it is.

LORELAI

It has four wheels and a roof and airbags and seat belts and my God, it smells like a forest.

CHRISTOPHER

Well, I needed a little more space. Had something big to haul. I believe this belongs to you. [hands Rory a box from the trunk]

RORY

The Compact Oxford English Dictionary!

CHRISTOPHER

I promised you I'd get it. I'm just sorry it took so long.

RORY

That's okay.

CHRISTOPHER

On the bright side, this is the new edition. If I'd gotten you the old one, you wouldn't have the word 'jiggy' in it.

RORY

Thank you. I love it, I'm gonna go look things up right now.

CHRISTOPHER

Wait wait. [hands her magnifying glass]

RORY

Thanks.

CHRISTOPHER

Go. [Rory goes inside]

LORELAI

That was really great of you.

CHRISTOPHER

Thank you. So back to mocking my car?

LORELAI

Oh yeah. A Volvo sedan, are you kidding?

CHRISTOPHER

This is a great car.

LORELAI

For driving to bingo.

CHRISTOPHER

Well, it just seemed like time. I couldn't keep showing up for work on my bike.

LORELAI

Work?

CHRISTOPHER

You've heard of it.

LORELAI

Yes, but I didn't think you had.

CHRISTOPHER

Well, it took awhile. I kept getting it mixed up with nap, but I finally figured it out.

LORELAI

So, you bought a car and got a job?

CHRISTOPHER

Actually, job then car.

LORELAI

Oh, 'cause it's more responsible that way.

CHRISTOPHER

Exactly.

LORELAI

Wow, so tell me about the job.

CHRISTOPHER

Well, I show up everyday, drink bad coffee, exchange lame pleasantries in the break room with Linda from marketing, and then at the end of two weeks they give me a paycheck. It's a pretty cool system.

LORELAI

You're serious?

CHRISTOPHER

Well, you know how us working types are. Get in.

LORELAI

Well uh. . .I'm not supposed to take rides with strangers.

CHRISTOPHER

Trust me.

LORELAI

Yes, but only if you promise we won't go over 25 miles an hour on the motorway. [Lorelai gets in as Christopher blasts some music] Oh my God, George Lucas wishes he had this sound system.

CHRISTOPHER

I've got Alpine head units, two subs, and two twelves. In exchange, no passenger-side airbag.

LORELAI

Ah, so the old Christopher still lives.

RORY

Could you please attenuate the cacophony out here?

LORELAI

Huh?

RORY

Turn down the music. [goes back inside]

LORELAI

Next time instead of a dictionary, just slip her a crisp twenty.

CHRISTOPHER

Deal.

LORELAI

Twelve pairs of pantyhose.

EMILY

It's going to be a long night. She's bound to have a run.

LORELAI

Twelve pairs.

EMILY

There's the presentation, the circle, the curtsy, the fan dance.

LORELAI

Mom, there'd have to be a 12k run and a jujitsu demonstration for her to go through twelve pairs of pantyhose.

EMILY

Does it really hurt to be prepared, Lorelai?

LORELAI

No, Mom, it doesn't hurt to be prepared.

EMILY

Thank you.

LORELAI

And the good news is, now she is prepared for her high school graduation, her college graduation, her marriage, three to five anniversaries, a hostess gig, and jury duty, especially if she's sequestered.

EMILY

You make me tired.

EMILY

Oh Richard, I didn't know you were home.

RICHARD

Yes, well, we learn something everyday.

EMILY

You didn't have to work?

RICHARD

I am working.

LORELAI

Hey Dad, guess how many pairs of pantyhose we bought today?

RICHARD

I'd rather not, if you don't mind.

EMILY

Oh Richard, I got you some beautiful new cufflinks for this weekend.

RICHARD

I already have cufflinks.

EMILY

I know, but these have bulldogs on them. Come look.

RICHARD

I'll look at them later.

EMILY

All right, fine. Just remember to pick up your tux from the cleaners tomorrow.

RICHARD

I won't have time.

EMILY

It's right around the corner from your office.

RICHARD

I have to go in early tomorrow.

EMILY

Well, go now.

RICHARD

I am busy now.

EMILY

Doing what?

RICHARD

Emily, I am not going to qualify my time with you. I am not going to pick up my tuxedo. You planned this ridiculous affair, you pick up my tuxedo. Or I simply don't have to go. Either one of these options is fine with me. [leaves]

LORELAI

Hey Mom, I might be reading too much into this, but um, is something going on between you and Dad?

EMILY

What are you talking about?

LORELAI

I don't know, he just seems a little less jolly than usual.

EMILY

He's just busy.

LORELAI

He seems upset.

EMILY

Well, he's not.

LORELAI

You seem upset.

EMILY

Well I'm not. We're both fine.

LORELAI

Okay, my mistake.

EMILY

I better go pick up his tux.

MISS PATTY

Now, keep counting in your heads. Look each other in the eye. Dean, are you leading?

DEAN

I have no idea.

MISS PATTY

Okay okay, stop stop stop. Now remember, one of the most important things in ballroom dancing is to remember to spot, otherwise you're gonna get dizzy. So, what you wanna do is you wanna pick out something to focus on. I usually like to find a lonely seaman. Then when turning, whip your head around and find your spot again. [spins around] Hello sailor, hello sailor, hello sailor. Now you try it.

DEAN

You've gotta be kidding me.

RORY

I think you can do it without the 'hello sailor' part.

DEAN

Rory.

RORY

BattleBots.

DEAN

For the rest of your life.

MISS PATTY

Now take it from the top.

LORELAI

Hey, you guys are really improving. Now you're actually facing each other.

CHRISTOPHER

Anyone need a break?

MISS PATTY

Okay, take five, but don't sit down because your muscles will get cold.

LORELAI

So how's it going?

RORY

Actually, I'm not very good.

DEAN

Yeah, which is really holding me back because I'm a natural.

LORELAI

Well, maybe you just need a glittery glove and a really freaky face.

RORY

At one point Miss Patty thought Dean was gonna get hurt, she made me sit in the corner and watch.

LORELAI

Hey! Nobody puts Baby in the corner.

CHRISTOPHER

It's not your fault. Ballroom dancing is a wonderfully sexist thing. Any woman can do it, all she needs is a strong male lead. No offense Dean. [He pulls Lorelai towards him, but she stumbles.]

LORELAI

Oh, agh!

CHRISTOPHER

Oh, well, most any woman can do it.

LORELAI

I wasn't ready, I wasn't ready. I want a do over.

CHRISTOPHER

Fine. May I have this dance?

LORELAI

I don't know. Do you have a trust fund? Always make sure.

RORY

Okay, I'm adopted.

DEAN

Yeah, I'm never gonna be able to do that.

CHRISTOPHER

No, you guys just need some practice.

MISS PATTY

Listen to your father, Rory. Your adorable, adorable father.

LORELAI

Come on, let's get you out of here before you become Patty's next husband.

CHRISTOPHER

See you guys later. Bye Patty.

MISS PATTY

Oh, the way you toy with me.

LORELAI

Did you know you still knew how to do that?

CHRISTOPHER

I wish I didn't. Imagine what we could do if we freed up the brain space that holds onto the Vianese Waltz.

LORELAI

Yeah, it's right up there in between old Brady Bunch reruns and the lyrics to Rapture.

CHRISTOPHER

Ooh, I gotta say, this isn't like the chai lattes in Boston.

LORELAI

Yeah, well, expecting Luke to make a chai anything was completely insane.

CHRISTOPHER

Yeah, I'm pretty sure he just threw a cinnamon stick in some tea.

LORELAI

I'm pretty sure it's not a cinnamon stick.

CHRISTOPHER

Okay, throwing this out now.

LORELAI

So chai latte, when did that happen?

CHRISTOPHER

I don't know. Everyone at work drinks them.

LORELAI

Huh. Well, since you still haven't told me what exactly it is that you do, I'm gonna go with yoga instructor or chiropractor.

CHRISTOPHER

No, it's actually pretty interesting. I'm working for this firm that helps those overblown tech companies scale back and stay afloat now that they're facing leaner times.

LORELAI

I'm sorry, uh, what's the interesting part?

CHRISTOPHER

We dress like superheroes when we do it.

LORELAI

Oh, nice. So how long do you think you'll be able to keep this going?

CHRISTOPHER

Well, I'm pretty happy there. I'd say at least 'til Tuesday.

LORELAI

Oh, so long term.

CHRISTOPHER

You know, it's weird. I always hated the idea of having to be somewhere at a specific time day after day, but as it turns out, I like the stability.

LORELAI

Really?

CHRISTOPHER

Yeah. I like that at the end of the day, I feel like I've done something. I've earned something.

LORELAI

Well, I think that's really great.

CHRISTOPHER

Only took me ten years and several failed business ventures to figure out what I wanted.

LORELAI

Which is?

CHRISTOPHER

Not my parents' life.

LORELAI

Ah.

CHRISTOPHER

Something you figured out at sixteen.

LORELAI

Actually, six months, but I just couldn't vocalize it yet.

CHRISTOPHER

Yeah, you knew what you wanted, you went out and got it. I was always a little jealous of you.

LORELAI

Well, you seem to be catching up. We did good.

CHRISTOPHER

Yeah. Well, I did good. The fact that she can't follow a lead is all you.

LORELAI

See now, only a lady can gracefully walk around a room with a book on her head while eating Kung Pao chicken. And a great lady can even spit the peanuts back into the container without anyone noticing.

RORY

Wow.

LORELAI

Yeah, well, don't be intimidated. You have to practice and practice to get to my level.

RORY

Anyone want the last eggroll?

DEAN

Uh, no.

LORELAI

Heh. Where are you going?

RORY

To get the eggroll.

LORELAI

You're getting the eggroll yourself?

RORY

Yes.

LORELAI

No! Ladies never get their own eggrolls. Ladies never get their own anything. They don't even get their own ideas.

RORY

Oh boy.

LORELAI

They just sit helplessly and wait for some young strong man to come by and assist them. They don't step in puddles, they don't step over puddles. They can't even look at puddles. They actually need to be blindfolded and thrown in a sack and carried over puddles.

RORY

Isn't there a moratorium on how long ladies are supposed to talk?

LORELAI

Uhh, no. Now repeat after me, I am completely helpless.

CHRISTOPHER

Okay, so you pull the left side through the back loop and tug a little bit on both sides, and you my friend, might just be mistaken for a gentleman. Or a waiter.

DEAN

So, how do you know how to do this?

CHRISTOPHER

Seventeen cotillions, a dozen debutante balls, and a brief but scarring experiment with the Children of the American Revolution.

LORELAI

Where you wore nothing but the bowtie.

CHRISTOPHER

A good idea on conception, but the sudden snowstorm instantly dampened the effect.

DEAN

Hey, uh, do you think it's cool when Neil Young wears a tux?

CHRISTOPHER

Yeah, of course, but it's Neil Young.

DEAN

All right. I should get going. I'll see you at three.

RORY

Okay. Oh wait. [hands him a box]

DEAN

What's this?

RORY

Your gloves.

DEAN

I thought you were kidding.

LORELAI

No no. Ladies never kid.

DEAN

Bye. [leaves]

LORELAI

Bye.

RORY

I think I'm going to bed too.

LORELAI

Do you need help?

RORY

No.

LORELAI

Wrong! The correct answer is yes. Ladies need help with everything.

RORY

Goodnight.

LORELAI

[sighs]

CHRISTOPHER

Night.

RORY

Night.

LORELAI

I don't know about that girl. I don't know how she's ever gonna make it in society. At this rate, she's gonna actually get a job and only marry once.

CHRISTOPHER

You calling your mom again?

LORELAI

I don't get it. For the last week, every five minutes she's calling me checking on shoe fittings and curtsy progress, and have I talked Rory into putting her hair up yet, and then tonight, nothing.

CHRISTOPHER

Well, I'm sure they had a lot of getting ready to do for themselves tonight.

LORELAI

She's been acting so weird lately. They're fighting. Openly fighting. I don't think they've ever done that before. I'm not sure what to do about it.

CHRISTOPHER

Move to California. That's what I do when my parents fight.

LORELAI

You know, my father doesn't even want to go tomorrow. His perfect angle granddaughter is being presented to society in front of all his friends and colleagues, something he never got to do with his bad, loser, evil daughter.

CHRISTOPHER

Maybe you should talk to them. I'm sorry, was that me that said that? I must've had an aneurysm.

LORELAI

Well, nothing more I can do tonight. I'm gonna head up to bed. Do you want me to turn off the lights?

CHRISTOPHER

Actually, I have to stay up and do a little work tonight.

LORELAI

I'm sorry. I keep forgetting that's not a joke anymore.

CHRISTOPHER

Goodnight.

RORY

Wow, this place is huge. Do I have to walk down those stairs?

LORELAI

Oh, I'm afraid so. Unless you wanna make a really memorable entrance and just sliiide down the banister. Which I totally encourage, by the way.

LADY

You are...

RORY

Lorelai Gilmore.

LADY

Late.

LORELAI

Sorry, my fault. Took me awhile to get pretty. Not all of us are sixteen anymore, you know what I mean? No.

LADY

You are to head up the stairs. The preparation room is on the right.

LORELAI

Look for the toxic cloud of Chanel and Final Net.

LORELAI

[mouths] Sliiide.

LADY

Hang your dress there, put your makeup on over there. You'll have to make do with a non-lighted mirror. The lighted ones went to the girls that were here before dawn. Listen up ladies, everyone must be beautiful and ready to go by 7:30.

RORY

I can't believe we have an hour and a half.

LIBBY

I know, I am never gonna be ready in time. God only knows if the swelling on my nose is gonna go down. I had to go and inherit my father's nose. I'm Libby.

RORY

Rory.

LIBBY

Uh, which one should I wear? I've thought about this all month, and I cannot decide.

RORY

Oh, well, that's a tough one.

LIBBY

I know. This is red red, and this is orange red. The wrong one and I will end up looking like a hooker. Or a teacher.

RORY

That's a lot of pressure.

LIBBY

The two minutes you are standing on those stairs tonight will determine the social status for the rest of your life.

RORY

Wow, what if you trip? I mean, not that you would. You wouldn't. I might. Probably will actually. Could be a real Cirque du Soleil kind of night.

LIBBY

You should not even joke about stuff like that. Ow. There's a head under there, you know.

LORELAI

You are a wonderful, wonderful man. I have a feeling we're going to be very close tonight. [sees Emily] Hmm. Mom, you're here.

EMILY

Where should I be, Spain?

LORELAI

Oh. I tried calling you all night last night.

EMILY

I was very busy.

LORELAI

And then we got here before you.

EMILY

What is your point, Lorelai?

LORELAI

Nothing. It's just weird.

EMILY

Well, I'm here now, so it's not weird anymore. Look at these flowers. Baby's breath. What is this, County General?

LORELAI

You look very nice Mom. I like your dress.

EMILY

Cotton tablecloths, folding chairs. It's not supposed to be like this. In my day, people sat in real chairs.

LORELAI

Mom, what's the matter?

EMILY

I wanted my granddaughter to be presented to society in a beautiful elegant ballroom, not a Shakey's.

LORELAI

The room is beautiful Mom. You're being too critical.

EMILY

There's Nan. I'm going to have a little talk with her about the proper height for a taper.

LORELAI

Mom.

LIBBY

Midori sour?

RORY

Oh, no thanks.

LIBBY

More for me. At my last coming out, I shared with this girl who couldn't handle her booze. Neon green puke all over her white dress.

RORY

Your last coming out?

LIBBY

Oh, this is my fifth one this year.

RORY

Wow.

LIBBY

You know, they say four out of five debs marry their escorts.

RORY

Kind of like the dentists with Trident.

LIBBY

Well I figure, five coming out balls, five escorts, one of them has to stick, right?

RORY

Good logic.

LIBBY

So, is your escort the one?

RORY

The one what?

LIBBY

The one you're gonna marry.

RORY

Oh, well...

LIBBY

Is he cute?

RORY

Yes, he is very cute but...

LIBBY

Where are you guys planning to live when you get married?

RORY

Okay, hold on a second.

LIBBY

Katie, hi. Too bad about your face.

KATIE

Is it horrible?

LIBBY

No, you can hardly tell. Just walk sideways.

LADY 1

These things will be the death of me.

LADY 2

Oh I know. And we've had no time to prep. Janet just got out of Rainbow Hills two days ago.

LORELAI

Rehab?

LADY 1

Fat farm.

LORELAI

Ah.

CHRISTOPHER

Hi, sorry to interrupt. Could you come with me? My cumberbun and I aren't seeing eye to eye.

LORELAI

Men, totally helpless. Excuse me.

LORELAI

You saved me. I love you. I wanna have your baby. Oops, too late.

CHRISTOPHER

I saw the look. Same one you had that time you ended up on homecoming court.

LORELAI

Ugh, someone's idea of a sick, sick joke. Hey, by the way, Neil Young's got nothing on you.

CHRISTOPHER

Yeah?

LORELAI

Yeah.

EMILY

Lorelai, have you seen your father?

LORELAI

Uh, no.

EMILY

He promised me he'd be here by now.

LORELAI

Wait, you didn't come together?

EMILY

I swear, if he misses this...

LORELAI

Well, Mom, did you call him?

EMILY

Yes I called him. Of course I called him. I wouldn't go this long without calling him.

CHRISTOPHER

Emily, he's here.

EMILY

Where? [he points to him] Oh. [walks to Richard] Richard, where have you been?

RICHARD

Where have I been?

EMILY

Yes, where have you been?

RICHARD

I'm here, aren't I?

LORELAI

I can't look. Did she beat him with the baby's breath?

CHRISTOPHER

No, they're just energetically practicing their sign language.

LORELAI

Oh God.

CHRISTOPHER

Okay, I think this is a really good time for a martini. Hello. Thirsty people here. [Lorelai goes behind the bar] Ah, what are you doing?

LORELAI

Steve won't mind.

CHRISTOPHER

Little tip. Never a good idea to let people know you're on a first name basis with the bartender. Wow, this is really something.

LORELAI

What?

CHRISTOPHER

You and I together at a debutante ball.

LORELAI

Huh, yeah.

CHRISTOPHER

Just like it would've been sixteen years ago.

LORELAI

Fancy dress.

CHRISTOPHER

Sneaking booze.

LORELAI

Parents acting crazy.

CHRISTOPHER

You look great.

LORELAI

I'm so glad you're here.

CHRISTOPHER

So am I.

ANNOUNCER

All fathers please report to the debutante staging area upstairs. Fathers to the staging area.

CHRISTOPHER

Showtime. You gonna be all right?

LORELAI

Absolutely.

CHRISTOPHER

I'll see you later.

LORELAI

Curtsy pretty.

DEAN

Hey. I just wanted to see you before you became a proper lady of society.

RORY

So what do you think?

DEAN

I think you look like a cotton ball.

RORY

Why, thank you Jeeves.

DEAN

But a really cute cotton ball.

LIBBY

Oh my God, is this your escort?

RORY

Yeah, it is.

LIBBY

You are totally getting married. [walks away]

DEAN

What did she say?

RORY

Oh, well...[sees Christopher] Dad, great, let's go.

DEAN

I'll, uh, I'll meet you downstairs. Good luck. [leaves]

RORY

Okay.

CHRISTOPHER

Last chance to shimmy down the drainpipe.

RORY

Do me a favor?

CHRISTOPHER

Anything.

RORY

Just don't let me fall.

CHRISTOPHER

Right back at ya.

LADY AT PODIUM

Good evening. On behalf of the Daughters of the American Revolution, I would like to welcome you to our annual debutante ball. Oh this brings back so many memories. I myself came out in this very hall in nineteen...well, let's just say, a number of years ago. Now the word debutante comes from the French word debuter, which means to lead off. . .[fades into background]

EMILY

Just come sit down.

RICHARD

I am going to finish my drink.

EMILY

You won't be happy until you've spoiled this entire evening, will you?

LORELAI

Um, guys, hi, there's a lady up there with a rock the size of Neptune around her neck talking about the debutantes of ancient Greece. It's a lot easier to fall asleep if you're sitting down, trust me.

RICHARD

I will sit down when I'm ready to sit down.

EMILY

Richard, lower your voice.

RICHARD

No, I will not lower my voice. I paid a fortune to be here, and I will speak just as loudly as I like.

EMILY

You're embarrassing us. You're embarrassing Rory.

RICHARD

Embarrassing Rory? This wasn't Rory's idea. This was your idea. This whole ridiculous evening was your idea, Emily.

EMILY

You don't want your granddaughter presented to society?

RICHARD

To hell with society. [people look at him] Yes, I'm talking about you!

LORELAI

Come on, that's it.

LORELAI

Are you two completely out of your mind? There is a ceremony going on in there. Young girls in ugly dresses and stupid fans are parading around in circles for God knows what reason, and you two are ruining it.

RICHARD

I didn't want to come here. You knew I didn't want to come here.

EMILY

Well, that's too bad. We have a social responsibility Richard.

RICHARD

I am so tired of hearing you say that.

EMILY

People expect us to be certain places and do certain things and we can't just withdraw from all of that.

RICHARD

Do you know what I'm going through at work?

EMILY

Your whole life isn't that damn company, Richard.

RICHARD

I have told you what I'm going through, but somehow, you just don't seem to hear it. You don't listen to me. You don't listen to anybody.

EMILY

That is not true.

RICHARD

It is true. Isn't it true? Has she ever listened to a word you've said?

LORELAI

Oh, well, hey, people listen in different ways, right? I mean, some people listen with their ears, and some people listen with not their ears, but that doesn't mean some actual listening hasn't happened in some form.

EMILY

I have listened to you Richard. I know exactly what is going on with you.

RICHARD

Really, what?

EMILY

You lost an account.

LORELAI

What?

RICHARD

No, I didn't lose an account. I was taken off an account. I was taken off an account that I personally brought into this company ten years ago.

EMILY

There are other accounts, Richard.

RICHARD

I have been in charge of that account for ten years!

EMILY

How can you be so angry? Yes, they took you off that account, but they also gave you a promotion.

RICHARD

Oh, Emily.

EMILY

You said they moved you upstairs to a larger office and gave you a new title and a better parking space.

RICHARD

Emily, dammit, I am being phased out.

EMILY

You are not.

RICHARD

What do you mean I'm not? I know whether I'm being phased out. I invented phased out for this company. Don't you think I did the exact same thing to Alan Parker?

EMILY

Alan Parker retired.

RICHARD

Alan Parker was phased out. I now have his office, I now have his parking space. Do you know what happens from here? I lose more accounts, slowly but surely. They will put a younger man on them with me to be trained by the best. And then, one day they'll call and ask me to let that young man take a meeting without me, just to see how fast he's learning, and then suddenly that young man is given that account. And this happens again and again and again until I'm nothing, but a symbolic figurehead that they roll out for banquets and group pictures. And then one day, Emily, I will be asked to leave.

EMILY

Well, so what?

RICHARD

Excuse me.

LORELAI

Dad, I don't think Mom meant exactly...

EMILY

So what if that's true?

LORELAI

Or maybe she did.

EMILY

There are other options.

RICHARD

I don't want other options. I want to get up every morning and put on my suit, and go to my office, and do my work, like I've done everyday for the past thirty years. That's what I want to do. That's the only thing I want to do.

RORY

Um, excuse me, hi, sorry to interrupt, but I'm next.

LADY AT PODIUM

Elizabeth Dotie, daughter of George Edward Dotie the fourth, and Elenor Dotie. [pause] Lorelai Gilmore, daughter of Christopher Hayden and Lorelai Gilmore.

EMILY

That should've been you up there. Nothing's turning out the way it was supposed to. [walks away]

RORY

So did you know that you're considered a hot Dad?

LORELAI

Hah!

CHRISTOPHER

Really?

RORY

Libby said that it's too bad you're my real Dad because if you were my stepdad, I could steal you away from mom.

LORELAI

Ugh.

CHRISTOPHER

That Libby's got a good life ahead of her.

LORELAI

Well, I was very proud of all of you. You made it through the entire ceremony with a completely straight face. Almost all of you.

CHRISTOPHER

I'm sorry, but that fan dance was more than I could take.

LORELAI

Hey, I need a burger.

RORY

Me too. Dean?

DEAN

Honestly, the only thing I can think of is taking off this tux.

LORELAI

Hey, watch it, you're talking to a lady now.

DEAN

Well, how about if I do it at home?

LORELAI

Better.

RORY

Thanks again for going with me.

DEAN

Tomorrow you start paying. Bye. [leaves]

LORELAI

Bye. And then there were three.

CHRISTOPHER

Actually, I have to get back to Boston first thing in the morning so I'm gonna call it a night too.

RORY

What? Not even time for fries?

CHRISTOPHER

I'll tell you what. I'll get up a little early and have coffee with you before I go. Deal?

RORY

Deal.

LORELAI

Honey, go ahead and order for us. I'll be there in a sec.

RORY

Okay. [leaves]

LORELAI

I just wanted to tell you how amazing you were tonight. Really, you completely came through for her.

CHRISTOPHER

She deserves it.

LORELAI

I haven't always given you a lot of credit in the past, but I'm giving you credit now. Big credit. Major credit. Buy yourself a sofa.

CHRISTOPHER

Thanks. I will.

LORELAI

You know, um, I happened to be looking through some old maps this afternoon and I couldn't help but notice that Boston is not that far away.

CHRISTOPHER

Aw, you needed a map to tell you that?

LORELAI

I also noticed that that, um, I-84 is a very good road. Solid, paved.

CHRISTOPHER

Uh huh.

LORELAI

And I put this information in my pretty little head, I was thinking, if you wanted to maybe drop by occasionally, it wouldn't be too difficult.

CHRISTOPHER

You realize I'll be driving the Volvo?

LORELAI

Actually, I'm coming around to the Vovlo.

CHRISTOPHER

Really?

LORELAI

Yes. I think it's sort of a Catholic schoolgirl thing, you know? It's conservative on the outside, bad on the inside.

CHRISTOPHER

I like that image.

LORELAI

I've also heard the I-84 can get jammed on the weekends.

CHRISTOPHER

It can.

LORELAI

So if you wanted to stay a little longer, just to avoid the traffic, it might be a good idea. I mean, Rory would definitely love it, and I wouldn't mind either. CHRISTOPHER: That is a tempting offer, but I really have to get back.

LORELAI

To work?

CHRISTOPHER

To work...and to someone.

LORELAI

Oh.

CHRISTOPHER

I know I should've told you.

LORELAI

Oh no, that's fine. That's totally your business.

CHRISTOPHER

No, I meant to, but...Lor, it's just that you and I are so connected and...

LORELAI

Chris, please, I get it. I think it's really great, I really do.

CHRISTOPHER

Thank you.

LORELAI

So who is it? Ooh, let me guess. Linda from marketing got to you, didn't she?

CHRISTOPHER

Her name is Sherri.

LORELAI

Sherri from marketing?

CHRISTOPHER

Sherri from Boston.

LORELAI

Ah, hence the move.

CHRISTOPHER

Yes.

LORELAI

Is it serious?

CHRISTOPHER

It's getting there.

LORELAI

Seeing you in just a bowtie serious?

CHRISTOPHER

We're living together.

LORELAI

Wow, you really have changed.

CHRISTOPHER

Yeah, well, Sherri made it pretty clear that I was gonna lose her if I didn't start getting it together, so...

LORELAI

Yeah, well if you find a girl who's good with dating a square in a Volvo, you do what it takes to keep her.

CHRISTOPHER

Okay, uh, so I'll. . .I'll see you back home.

LORELAI

Yes you will.

LORELAI

[gasps] Hey!

RORY

What?

LORELAI

After all you've been through tonight and I come in here and find you eating like that.

LORELAI

There you go.

RORY

Being a lady is hard.

LORELAI

So tonight, what's the consensus?

RORY

The fan dance was humiliating, I'm never doing a curtsy again, but having Dad around was great.

LORELAI

Yeah, it was.

RORY

He's got a new girlfriend, you know.

LORELAI

Sherri.

RORY

Yeah.

LORELAI

Poor girl's named after a Journey song, that's gotta be rough.

RORY

He seems happy.

LORELAI

He does. He really does.

RORY

I'm glad.

LORELAI

Me too.

RORY

I feel kind of bad for Grandma though. She was so into this night and then she ended up being so miserable.

LORELAI

Don't worry. She'll have more fun at the next one.

RORY

Excuse me?

LORELAI

Yes, we have you signed up for the next six balls.

RORY

Not funny.

LORELAI

Hey, you're doing this until you bring home a prize.

RORY

Ignoring you now.

LUKE

So, back from the ball huh?

LORELAI

Yes, I left behind a glass slipper and a business card in case the prince is really dumb.

LUKE

Good and desperate thinking.

LORELAI

Thank you. Hmm, Luke.

LUKE

What?

LUKE

What do you think you're doing?

JESS

Working.

LUKE

So you think this is funny, huh?

JESS

I'm sorry. I thought this was the uniform.

LUKE

Okay, you know what, that's fine. Have your little joke, you know. It doesn't bother me at all. You just go over there and clean off that table, okay? I'm ignoring you. You do not exist.

JESS

Okay.

LUKE

That's it, get upstairs and change.

JESS

Whatever you say Uncle Luke.

LUKE

It's Luke, just Luke. Mister Luke. In fact, don't address me at all.

LORELAI

You know, I'm really lucky.

RORY

Yeah, why?

LORELAI

I have someone to complain to when life sucks or work sucks or just everything sucks. I have someone I can talk to.

RORY

Yeah, who?

LORELAI

Oh Shecky, you kill me. It just must be really lonely not to have that.

RORY

Are you thinking about Grandma?

LORELAI

I'm just. . .thinking.

LORELAI

Hey Mom.

EMILY

What are you doing here?

LORELAI

Oh, nothing much. I had a little time before my business class and I thought, 'Hey, why don't I just go over to Mom's house and just hang.'

EMILY

Just what?

LORELAI

Just hang, you know. Hang out. Talk, don't talk, whatever. Just hang.

EMILY

Oh.

LORELAI

So you're gardening, huh?

EMILY

Yes.

LORELAI

Okay. Well, don't let me stop you. I'll just sit here and just hang.

EMILY

Are you sure you don't need something?

LORELAI

Nope. I'm just here to hang.

EMILY

Hang. Well.

LORELAI

You know Mom, if there's ever anything you want to talk about with me, you can.

EMILY

All right.

LORELAI

Okay. So...