T2E7: “Like Mother, Like Daughter”

LORELAI

Wow, busy today. Has Luke been advertising or something?

RORY

He gets good word-of-mouth.

LORELAI

Well, we have to start spreading bad word-of-mouth so we can always have a table.

RORY

Well, that would be wrong, but sure. Vermin?

LORELAI

Or no potable water.

RORY

Or no potable vermin.

LORELAI

That would scare them away.

RORY

Or confuse them away.

LORELAI

It's so weird to see him talking like that.

RORY

Like what?

LORELAI

Just all friendly. He's usually only good for a quick couple of gruff monosyllables, and then he's off.

RORY

He is the master of the monosyllable.

LORELAI

He never flirts with any of the women, do you notice that?

RORY

He's flirted with you numerous times.

LORELAI

Don't start.

RORY

Hey, flirt with him now, we need coffee.

LORELAI

Oh Luke, we're just dying for some refreshments.

LUKE

Keep your pants on.

LORELAI

Hmm. He can turn it off and turn it on so fast.

RORY

Hey, I found a CD under the front seat of our car. Did you lose one?

LORELAI

Not that I know of, but I'm kind of sloppy with them.

RORY

So, you didn't hide it?

LORELAI

Why would I hide a CD?

RORY

I don't know. Bay City Rollers?

LORELAI

It's not a Bay City Rollers CD.

RORY

How do you know?

LORELAI

Because I know what's not hidden under that seat.

RORY

Ha! Because you know that Barry Manilow is under that seat.

LORELAI

Ugh.

LUKE

Where's Barry Manilow?

RORY

Under Mom's seat.

LORELAI

All right, I confess, I was hiding Barry Manilow.

RORY

You confess!

LORELAI

But he was very big when I was very small and it's the live version where he does a medley of all the commercial jingles he's written.

RORY

Don't worry. Everyone's allowed a guilty pleasure now and again.

LORELAI

Hm, very diplomatic from the girl who had the Bryan Adams poster above her bed for two years.

RORY

Fink.

LORELAI

Do you have a guilty pleasure Luke?

LUKE

Nah.

LORELAI

Are you into music?

LUKE

Sure.

LORELAI

Monosyllabic man strikes again.

RORY

We'll have two muffins please.

LUKE

You got it. [walks away]

LORELAI

Do you think he's dated anyone since Rachel?

RORY

I don't know. Where would he meet anyone? He's either here or in his apartment.

LORELAI

Maybe he has a secret life. Maybe he's got a little chippy stowed away in Mount Pilot.

RORY

Well, we'll know eventually.

LORELAI

I say he's a bachelor for life.

RORY

I say there's someone for everyone. [starts laughing]

LORELAI

What?

RORY

Uhh, Barry Manilow.

LORELAI

Ugh, stop.

RORY

[sings] Looks like we made it...

LORELAI

Oh yeah? Spice Girls.

RORY

Duran Duran.

LORELAI

Dido.

RORY

Olivia Newton John.

LORELAI

The Macarena. You and Lane for hours and hours, for weeks on end.

RORY

Hey, we were mocking. You can't mock the mocking.

LORELAI

All right. It's getting ugly. Let's stop.

RORY

Let's be friends again.

LORELAI

All right.

RORY

[giggles]

LORELAI

Stop it.

LORELAI

Agh.

RORY

What?

LORELAI

The car won't start.

RORY

What happened?

LORELAI

I don't know. It's just dead. I turned the key and it makes a horrible sound.

RORY

What kind of sound?

LORELAI

Like rrrar, rrrar, rrrar. You know, but less feminine.

RORY

That's the battery.

LORELAI

Well, what did I ever do to make the battery mad?

RORY

Let's see. You've kept the radio on all night, killing the battery. You've kept the lights on all night, killing the battery. You've kept the door open, which keeps the ceiling light on, all night, killing the battery.

LORELAI

Okay, well then I've done multiple things to make the battery mad.

RORY

You gonna walk?

LORELAI

I'm wearing heels.

RORY

Change your shoes.

LORELAI

I'd have to change my outfit.

RORY

Change your outfit.

LORELAI

I'd have to walk upstairs.

RORY

Suddenly I'm living with Zsa Zsa Gabor.

LORELAI

I'm gonna call Michel.

RORY

This thing is too small.

MICHEL

Independence Inn.

LORELAI

Hold on Michel. That backpack is not too small.

RORY

It's miniscule.

LORELAI

Just take your schoolbooks and leave some of the other books.

RORY

I need all of my other books.

LORELAI

You don't need all of these.

RORY

I think I do.

LORELAI

Edna St. Vincent Milay?

RORY

That's my bus book.

LORELAI

Uh huh. What's the Faulkner?

RORY

My other bus book.

LORELAI

So just take one bus book.

RORY

No, the Milay is a biography, and sometimes if I'm on the bus and I pull out a biography and I think to myself, 'Well, I don't really feel like reading about a person's life right now' then I'll switch to the novel, and then sometimes if I'm not into the novel, I'll switch back.

LORELAI

Hmm. Still there Michel?

RORY

Yes, I. . .

LORELAI

Hold on. What is the Gore Vidal?

RORY

Oh, that's my lunch book.

LORELAI

Uh huh. So lose the Vidal or the Faulkner. You don't need two novels.

RORY

Vidal's essays.

LORELAI

Uh huh. But the Eudora Welty's not essays or a biography.

RORY

Right.

LORELAI

So it's another novel, lose it!

RORY

Unh uh. It's short stories.

LORELAI

Ugh. This is a sickness. Michel.

RORY

I am growing very old.

LORELAI

Come pick me up?

MICHEL

I am already here.

LORELAI

Put Carol on the desk and come pick me up.

MICHEL

I am not speaking to Carol. She ate my low-fat cheese.

LORELAI

Michel, come pick me up and I will buy you some cheese.

MICHEL

Low-fat cheese.

LORELAI

Low-fat cheese.

MICHEL

Low-fat American cheese.

LORELAI

Low-fat American cheese.

MICHEL

And a meringue cookie.

LORELAI

Just get over here.

MICHEL

Fine.

RORY

Ha! I made it all fit. Edna, Bill, Gore and Eudora, all safe and sound.

LORELAI

Cool. That's your French book.

RORY

Hmm? Oh, I know. I'm carrying my French book.

LORELAI

Mm hmm. You so thought that French book was already in there.

RORY

I did not.

LORELAI

You have a problem.

RORY

No I don't.

LORELAI

You're gonna tip over from the weight of that backpack.

RORY

No I'm not.

LORELAI

I'm gonna have to buy you a forklift. Bye.

MRS. VERDINAS

I startled you. I didn't mean to.

RORY

That's okay. I'm easily startled.

MRS. VERDINAS

I'm Mrs. Verdinas, the guidance counselor. Your name's Rory, isn't it? Rory Gilmore?

RORY

Yes. Hello.

MRS. VERDINAS

Hello. I'd love to sit and talk to you. Can we do that?

RORY

Sure. Anytime.

MRS. VERDINAS

How about after you finish your lunch?

RORY

Oh, that soon?

MRS. VERDINAS

I think soon would be good.

RORY

Okay, what's this about?

MRS. VERDINAS

We'll talk about it then.

RORY

Not even a hint?

MRS. VERDINAS

See you in a little bit.

RORY

Right. Right.

MRS. VERDINAS

Come in. Hello Rory, have a seat.

RORY

Thank you.

MRS. VERDINAS

So don't worry about being late for your next class. I'll write you a note if you are.

RORY

Okay.

MRS. VERDINAS

I know from your record you're a stickler for punctuality.

RORY

I am a stickler, yes. I only slipped one time last year. I hit a deer. Actually, he hit me. Or she did. Or not me, my car. But, um, then he or she ran away, and I think it turned out okay. I didn't see it again, so I can't definitively say but I did look for him or her. It's a big story for me, I'm surprised I don't tell it better.

MRS. VERDINAS

Why don't we get to the reason I asked you here?

RORY

Okay.

MRS. VERDINAS

Headmaster Charleston brought you to my attention a few weeks ago. He's worried, and after observing you a bit, I'm worried too.

RORY

You've been observing me?

MRS. VERDINAS

We've been concerned about your social behavior here at school.

RORY

What about it?

MRS. VERDINAS

You don't seem to interact much with the other students.

RORY

I do sometimes. In class, all the time.

MRS. VERDINAS

But rarely outside of class. At lunch, you're always by yourself.

RORY

That's when I catch up on my reading.

MRS. VERDINAS

And that walkman, it makes you very unapproachable.

RORY

You approached me.

MRS. VERDINAS

And you almost jumped out of your skin. What does that tell you?

RORY

That I'm jumpy. On the Fourth of July, forget it, I'm a wreck. And when the Stars Hollow orchestra begins to play in the gazebo, the guy banging the cymbals, I'm. . .it drives me nuts.

MRS. VERDINAS

Denying a problem doesn't solve a problem, Rory. Unless something changes, this could affect your future.

RORY

But I don't understand. I get good grades, isn't that enough?

MRS. VERDINAS

You know, it's not. Rory, when we make recommendations to universities on behalf of a student, that student's social skills are a big part of it. Now, I assume you want to go to a university?

RORY

Absolutely.

MRS. VERDINAS

Well, universities do not look kindly on loners.

RORY

But I'm not a loner.

MRS. VERDINAS

Really? Well, what do you think a loner is?

RORY

Loners are those guys that you see walking around wearing, I don't know, out of date clothing, bell bottoms, and they tend to carry a duffel bag with God knows what inside. That's a loner.

MRS. VERDINAS

Loners come in all different shapes and sizes, even pretty girls. Just try to improve Rory. Mix it up with others. You may even enjoy it. Start with lunch.

RORY

I don't suppose there's a lunchtime reading/walkman-listening club I can join, is there? I guess that's no.

LORELAI

So what does she expect you to do?

RORY

She said mix it up.

LORELAI

Mix it up, what does that mean?

RORY

I guess that means going up to strange kids at school and saying, 'Hey, mind if I awkwardly butt in where I don't belong and don't want to be?'

LORELAI

The whole thing's ridiculous. Chilton is a cult.

KIRK

Lorelai, do you know what this is? [holds up a bundle of wires]

LORELAI

Um, no.

KIRK

Damn.

RORY

I don't know. Maybe there is something wrong with me.

LORELAI

Oh, don't say that.

RORY

Maybe I am a loner. I mean, you were mocking my backpack today. I might just be one step away from carrying a mysterious duffel bag.

LORELAI

Oh no, no you don't. Don't you go doubting who you are or how you should be. How dare that woman do this to you!

RORY

It wasn't just her. The whole meeting was Charleston's suggestion.

LORELAI

Well, good. It's time I called on old Schnickelfritz Charleston to tell him to stop messing with my kid's mind.

RORY

Mom.

LORELAI

No, I'm sorry. I don't like this. Schools like Chilton try to stamp out every vestige of individuality and I'm not gonna let that happen.

KIRK

It's all fixed. I found a loose terminal. I reconnected the battery and jumped it, so it's set to go.

LORELAI

Oh, thanks Kirk.

KIRK

And I'm not gonna charge you for the time I spent stuck underneath the car.

LORELAI

That's great Kirk.

KIRK

And I just want you to know that I overheard, and you're absolutely right. I carried a duffel bag and ate lunch by myself my entire school career, and I turned out just fine. [leaves]

LORELAI

I'm still going down there.

SECRETARY

Ms. Gilmore is here. [leaves]

LORELAI

Hello Mr. Charleston.

HEADMASTER

Ms. Gilmore, so good to see you.

LORELAI

It's good to be here.

HEADMASTER

You know, I checked my records to remind myself why I asked you in only to discover that you had actually called for this meeting.

LORELAI

Yes I did.

HEADMASTER

I'm surprised. We don't see you often. We'd forgotten what you'd looked like.

LORELAI

Well, I'm pretty much the same. Rosy cheeks, strong of bone, sly of wit.

HEADMASTER

How nice. So why did you want to see me?

LORELAI

Well, I wanted to talk to you about Rory and uh, this ridiculous accusation about her being a loner and how that's somehow something bad.

HEADMASTER

Well, it is bad.

LORELAI

No, it's not bad, it's just her. I raised Rory to do what she wants as long as it doesn't hurt anyone else. And I don't see how her reading a book or listening to a walkman is hurting anyone.

HEADMASTER

It's hurting her.

LORELAI

I respectfully disagree.

HEADMASTER

That doesn't surprise me, based on my research.

LORELAI

What research?

HEADMASTER

When I saw your name on the appointment list, I decided to have a look at the file.

LORELAI

Ah yes, Rory's file's been of a lot of interest to you guys lately, hasn't it?

HEADMASTER

I wasn't talking about Rory's file. I was talking about yours.

LORELAI

I have a file?

HEADMASTER

You most certainly do.

LORELAI

It's tiny.

HEADMASTER

It's very thin.

LORELAI

Well that's good, right? It means I haven't gotten into a lot of trouble.

HEADMASTER

On the contrary, a thin file for a parent indicates lack of participation.

LORELAI

Oh, now wait a minute. I've participated in stuff.

HEADMASTER

You attended the bake sale.

LORELAI

And I sold stuff.

HEADMASTER

Then promptly left.

LORELAI

I was busy.

HEADMASTER

Without fraternizing with the other Chilton parents at all.

LORELAI

Busy, busy, busy like a really tall bee.

HEADMASTER

Like mother, like daughter.

LORELAI

Okay, hold on.

HEADMASTER

Ms. Gilmore, active participation in Chilton activities for a parent is vitally important.

LORELAI

But...

HEADMASTER

This is a list of organizations sponsored by Chilton. Parent groups dedicated to certain specific tasks.

LORELAI

Uh, my...

HEADMASTER

Any one of them would be honored by your participation.

LORELAI

Okay, my schedule is...

HEADMASTER

We're all tremendously busy, Ms. Gilmore. I hope you're not too busy to do what's best for you or what's best for Rory, are you?

LORELAI

No.

HEADMASTER

Excellent. Let us know what it will be.

LORELAI

I will. [stands up to leave] Oh, may I go?

HEADMASTER

Yes, you may.

LORELAI

Okay.

HEADMASTER

I'm glad you came in today. It was a good idea.

LORELAI

Yes. I'm just full of good ideas.

RORY

Hey.

LORELAI

Hey.

RORY

Hey.

LORELAI

Yeah, look Fat Albert. Get me a soda, will you?

RORY

Mom, what are you doing here? You were supposed to meet me in my Latin class after meeting with Headmaster Charleston.

LORELAI

Oh my God. I was. I totally forgot. Ugh, I'm so sorry.

RORY

Mom, come on, what happened. Did you talk to him?

LORELAI

I did. I told him that he was completely out of line with this treatment of you, that you are not a loner freak, you have plenty of friends, and you don't own a long black leather Matrix coat, and they should fall down on their kneesocks everyday that you deign to show up at that loser school.

RORY

And?

LORELAI

And then he yelled at me.

RORY

He what?

LORELAI

He pulled out a file and told me I was a bad Chilton mom.

RORY

He did not.

LORELAI

And that I don't participate in school activities.

RORY

Well, you work.

LORELAI

And I don't make posters.

RORY

You have no artistic capabilities.

LORELAI

And I don't chaperone school dances.

RORY

Does he know that you got pregnant at sixteen?

LORELAI

Basically I'm not doing my part to help further your educational future.

RORY

So we both got busted.

LORELAI

Yes.

RORY

Great.

LORELAI

Now I have to pick a group or a cause or sponsor a club or something.

RORY

This sucks.

LORELAI

But hey, I've been thinking. I mean, the whole reason we did this Chilton thing is for you to get into Harvard, right?

RORY

Right.

LORELAI

And these fanatics that run your school, they're the ones that write the letters to the fancy colleges saying things like, 'Hey she's keen, look at her' or 'Have you seen the L tattooed on her forehead, 'cause it sure is a big one.'

RORY

So you're saying we should just go along with this?

LORELAI

Yeah, go along with it. Talk to some kids, I'll hang out with their moms, and we'll get into Harvard, take over the world, then buy Chilton and turn it into a rave club. What do you say, deal?

RORY

Deal.

LORELAI

Oh, look, the Chilton Cheer Society wear matching hats. Eh? Go Harvard.

RORY

Hey.

FRANCIE

Hey.

RORY

There's a bad draft over there where I usually sit. It's kind of like a big downward gust. It's not exactly 'Toto, we're not in Kansas anymore', but it's still pretty darn uncomfortable, especially when you're just gotten your hair to behave. So can I sit here?

FRANCIE

Uhh, yeah.

RORY

Thanks. [sits down] Nice table. It's much more level than the one over there.

FRANCIE

Your name is Lori.

RORY

Rory.

FRANCIE

Right, Rory.

RORY

What's yours?

IVY

Francie.

RORY

You're Francie?

IVY

No, she's Francie, I'm Ivy.

RORY

Francie's spokesman.

FRANCIE

Well, I am a very important person, and everyone knows very important people never speak for themselves.

RORY

I did not know that, but I do now.

FRANCIE

That's Dijur, Lily, Seline, Lana, Asia, Anna, and Lem.

RORY

Lem.

LEM

Short for Lemon.

RORY

Oh sure.

FRANCIE

We were just discussing homecoming. Thoughts?

RORY

Great movie. Oh wait, that was Come Home. Sorry.

FRANCIE

I truly believe the whole homecoming dance ritual's be put to sleep.

IVY

Or at least assigned a new color scheme.

FRANCIE

Hmm. Rory, huh? Do they call you Ror?

RORY

Not unless provoked.

IVY

No nickname?

RORY

Actually, Rory is a nickname. My full name is Lorelai.

LEM

Lorelai. That's a weird name.

RORY

Well, Lem, what can I say?

FRANCIE

Sounds southern. Are you a belle?

RORY

Uh, no, but apparently I command them.

FRANCIE

Well, see you later your highness.

RORY

God! You're like a pop up book from hell.

PARIS

You were sitting with the Puffs. How did you do it?

RORY

The who?

PARIS

The Puffs, the Chilton Puffs. You were at their table and I wanna know how.

RORY

I don't know, I just sat down.

PARIS

Nobody just sits down with them, you have to be invited.

RORY

Paris, it's not the cosa nostra.

PARIS

No, they're the Puffs, the most influential sorority at Chilton.

RORY

Chilton has sororities?

PARIS

Only ten worth mentioning, and the Puffs, they have been number one for at least the last fifty years. My mother was a Puff, my aunt was a Puff.

RORY

I thought only colleges had sororities.

PARIS

And the connection you make with the Puffs, they last the rest of your life. My cousin Maddie got her internship at the Supreme Court because of Sandra Day O'Connor.

RORY

Sandra Day O'Connor was a Puff?

PARIS

Yes. She was puffed in 1946, became the president in '47, and in '48 she actually moved the group to the very table you sat at today.

RORY

God.

PARIS

It was quite a controversial move at the time, but she was just that powerful.

RORY

I had no idea.

PARIS

What did you say about me?

RORY

What?

PARIS

Did you tell them you hated me?

RORY

I didn't mention you.

PARIS

Because I have been killing myself trying to get invited in. I spent all of last year sucking up to Francine Jarvis.

RORY

You mean Francie?

PARIS

You call her Francie?

RORY

Oh, no, someone else did.

PARIS

I have helped her with her homework, secured her a prime spot in the parking lot, organized her locker, scrunched up the plastic strands on her pom-poms to make them fluffy. I have done everything except give her a manicure, and by God, if I had any talent with an orange stick, I would've done that too.

RORY

I know I'm not the first one to say it to you, but you're insane.

PARIS

Okay, look, I know you and me, we. . .

RORY

Shouldn't be around each other armed.

PARIS

Yes. But you have to understand. I have to get into that group, I just have to. My family's name and reputation, not to mention my entire future, all depend on me getting into that group.

RORY

It's just a clique, that's all.

PARIS

Look, all I'm asking is please don't say anything horrible about me. Don't tell them that you hate me.

RORY

Paris, come on, I'm not in their group. They don't care what I say.

PARIS

They let you sit at their table all the way through lunch, you're in.

RORY

Paris.

PARIS

You know what, never mind. Do what you want, I don't care.

LORELAI

Who the hell names their kid Lemon?

RORY

Someone really into citrus.

LORELAI

Ugh, crazy crazy people.

RORY

It's just so weird that the one table I sit down at is home to the secret society.

LORELAI

I know. It's like waking up one day and realizing that everyone else in your family can pull their face off.

RORY

Yes, it's exactly like that.

MAID

Your mother would like you to head out to the patio. We're barbecuing tonight.

LORELAI

Thanks.

RORY

Does Grandma have a barbecue?

LORELAI

I don't know. Maybe she keeps it in the secret room with the paper napkins and the mismatched sheets. Wow, she really is barbecuing.

RORY

Hey, cool!

LORELAI

What's up, Poppin' Fresh?

RORY

Ooh, corn!

LORELAI

Nice!

LORELAI

Thank you.

RORY

Mm.

LORELAI

Mmm.

EMILY

What is this, a refugee camp? Come inside and eat at the table.

LORELAI

Mom, the whole point of barbecuing is to eat outside.

EMILY

Animals eat outside. Human beings eat inside with napkins and utensils. If you want to eat outside, go hunt down a gazelle. Make your decision, I'll be inside. [leaves]

LORELAI

What are the odds of finding a gazelle around here?

RORY

Slim to none.

LORELAI

Okay, let's go.

EMILY

I'm extremely disappointed in you Lorelai.

LORELAI

Hold on Mom. [takes off her coat, sits down at the table, puts her napkin on her lap.] Okay, go ahead.

EMILY

I had lunch with Bitty Charleston today and she told me what happened with you and the headmaster.

LORELAI

What? Geez, does that woman do nothing all day but hide under his desk with a tape recorder?

EMILY

After all we've gone through to get Rory in that school, and then you humiliate all of us by not being involved. That is just incomprehensible.

LORELAI

Hey, she wasn't involved either.

RORY

Wow, just sitting here.

EMILY

You are a grown up, you have to set an example. If she's not involved with school, then she learned it from you.

RORY

Yeah.

EMILY

How hard is it to help out just once in awhile? Join a group, attend a meeting, and all for the sake of...

LORELAI

Mom, stop already, please. I have joined a group, okay?

EMILY

You have?

RORY

You have?

LORELAI

Yes.

EMILY

Which one?

LORELAI

I'm gonna join the Booster Club, mmkay? The Booster Club, I'm going to boost.

EMILY

Well, the Boosters are a very fine organization.

LORELAI

That's why I picked 'em.

EMILY

They do very good work for the school.

LORELAI

All went into the picking process.

EMILY

And the matching sweatshirts they wear are just darling.

AVA

Well, we're certainly not doing it like last year.

GINGER

God, was that awful!

MENA

It wasn't that bad.

AVA

Wasn't that bad? Mena, by the time we got finished paying for everybody's stomach to be pumped, there was no money left to buy the new bleachers.

MENA

But the salsa band was wonderful.

GINGER

This is giving me a migraine. I just...

AUBREY

I vote we take a break.

LORELAI

Hi. Sorry to interrupt.

AVA

It's all right. Can we help you?

LORELAI

Uh, yes, actually. . . this isn't the Booster Club, is it?

AVA

Yes it is.

LORELAI

Oh, thank God you're not wearing the sweatshirts.

AVA

Excuse me?

LORELAI

Uh, you know what, never mind. I'm Lorelai Gilmore, sorry I'm late.

AVA

Oh please, you haven't missed a thing. So far, we've had coffee, debated Carolyn Masters' nose job...

MENA

Too pug.

AUBREY

Too smushed.

GINGER

Who cares?

AVA

And we started arguing about our fall fundraiser.

AUBREY

I suggested we take a break.

AVA

I ignored the suggestion, and now here we are. You're all up to date. Have a seat.

MENA

Lorelai Gilmore. So you're Emily's daughter?

LORELAI

Oh, yeah. You know my mother?

MENA

Oh, very well. We're on the philharmonic committee together. She told me to keep an eye out for you.

LORELAI

Huh, that's nice.

MENA

She wasn't sure you'd show up.

LORELAI

So, uh, fall fundrasier, what do we do?

AVA

Well, last year we had the usual luncheon with silent auction and a salsa band.

MENA

A terrific salsa band.

AVA

But every guest ended up in the hospital with food poisoning before the auction even started, and we wound up losing money.

LORELAI

Whoops.

AVA

Yes, it's quite a whoops, isn't it? Anyhow, this year we decided to do a fashion show.

LORELAI

Oh, that sounds fun.

AVA

Yes, well, Aubrey here works at Saks.

AUBREY

Uh, used to work at Saks.

AVA

Oh, sorry. Used to work at Saks, and she got several designers to donate their clothes, so now we're just trying to find a suitable caterer and location and someone to plan the event.

GINGER

Oh, it's all going very well.

MENA

I still say we approach Chateau Mimsy.

AVA

That space is too small, Mena.

AUBREY

How about something more young and fun? You know, my stepdaughter Kimberly...

AVA

Sarah.

AUBREY

Right, Sarah. Sarah. Anyhow, she told me about this new club called The Digs...[fades into background]

MENA

[whispers to Lorelai] She's been married a month and still can't remember the names of her stepchildren.

AUBREY

...so the booths are like in these pits, and then there's sand everywhere...

GINGER

Stop her.

AVA

I don't think that's exactly what we're looking for.

LORELAI

Um, I run an inn.

AVA

You do?

MENA

Which one?

LORELAI

The Independence Inn, it's in Stars Hollow.

AVA

Oh, I've been there. It's lovely.

LORELAI

And we have a terrific chef who's never once hospitalized an entire function. And, well, I mean, I don't know exactly what you're looking for, but we do functions there all the time.

AVA

Who's your function coordinator?

LORELAI

I am, actually. And since it's for charity, I could get you a really good price.

AVA

I'm sorry, I forgot to ask you, are you from heaven?

LORELAI

You like the idea?

AVA

I love the idea. I love it so much, we can finally take that break Aubrey's been dying for.

AVA

Well, this is very exciting.

LORELAI

Oh.

AVA

Would you mind if I come out there tomorrow to take a look at the place? You know, make sure it's big enough for the runway.

LORELAI

Oh, yeah, sure, I'll be there all day. So, a fashion show, huh? Are we gonna get any famous models?

AVA

Excuse me?

LORELAI

You know, to model the clothes. Any chance I'm finally gonna get to see Kate Moss eat something?

AVA

Oh, no no. We're the models.

LORELAI

We? Who's we?

AVA

We, the women in this room. Me, you, we.

LORELAI

Me?

AVA

Yes.

LORELAI

Oh well...

AVA

By the way, welcome to the Boosters. We're thrilled to have you. [hugs Lorelai]

LORELAI

Oh, ugh, thanks. That's great.

RORY

Ha ha, yours is worse than mine.

LORELAI

Ugh, they totally just snuck that modeling thing in.

RORY

Hmm, my mom's a model. Maybe you'll get to date Leonardo DiCaprio now.

LORELAI

Plus, now I have to plan the whole stupid thing.

RORY

Lorelai Gilmore. Nope, doesn't sound model-y enough. You need something that stands out more. How about Waffle? We could call you Waffle and say you're from Belgium?

LORELAI

[dials her cell phone] Okay, I'm crabby. I need to do something about it. [on phone] Hey Mom.

EMILY

Well, hello.

LORELAI

So I went to my first Booster meeting last night, did Bitty tell you?

EMILY

No, she did not.

LORELAI

Oh, well, maybe she's still stuck under that desk. You might want to send someone out there to look.

EMILY

Well, it's certainly nice to hear you finally getting involved.

LORELAI

Yes, in fact we're planning a charity fashion show next weekend, and I volunteered to organize it.

EMILY

Well, good for you.

LORELAI

Yes, and since I know how concerned you are about how Rory's perceived at Chilton, I knew you'd want to be involved somehow, so you're gonna be one of the models.

EMILY

Excuse me?

LORELAI

Yeah, so it's next Saturday, be there at four, and we'll provide hair and makeup.

EMILY

Lorelai, you can't be serious.

LORELAI

Oh, and we'll need your measurements also.

EMILY

This is ridiculous.

LORELAI

Mom. You said you wanted me to be involved. Well, I'm involved, now don't you want to do your part to ensure Rory's future?

EMILY

All right.

LORELAI

Start measuring. [hangs up]

RORY

You feel better now?

LORELAI

Waffle's very happy.

FRANCIE

Sit with us, please. [walks away]

RORY

Um, okay.

FRANCIE

Here she comes.

LEM

Welcome.

FRANCIE

We talked. We find you fascinating.

IVY

Like the monkey habitat.

FRANCIE

So we've decided to extend an invite to you. You can eat here anytime you like.

RORY

Wow, that's nice of you, thanks. So can I ask about this whole sorority thing?

FRANCIE

Pardon?

IVY

Sorori-what?

RORY

I thought you guys were...

LEM

We have no idea what you're talking about.

FRANCIE

That's right. After all, what's the point of a secret society if it's not a secret?

RORY

The whole school apparently knows about it.

FRANCIE

Well, no one has proof. It's just folklore.

IVY

Like Snow White and Rose Red.

FRANCIE

Or Mariah Carey's crackup.

LEM

Have you heard her fan message recently? She's fine and is currently staring at a really beautiful rainbow.

IVY

Survivor, hello.

FRANCIE

Friend of yours?

RORY

Paris? Oh well...

IVY

Too intense.

LEM

Way too intense.

FRANCIE

She comes from a long line of us though.

IVY

I hate nepotism.

LEM

It, however, does make the world go round.

RORY

You know, Paris, while, yes, a little intense, is also very smart.

FRANCIE

So I drop a box of matches on the floor, she can tell me how many there are?

RORY

She's editor of the paper. Amazing writer, plus funny.

IVY

She's funny?

RORY

Oh yeah. Hilarious. I mean, the times that we have spent laughing together. I tell ya, she's a regular Gary Muledeer.

FRANCIE

She asked you to talk her up, didn't she?

RORY

No, not at all.

IVY

Right.

RORY

No, really. I think she's actually thinking of joining another non-existent group.

FRANCIE

What?

IVY

But her family's fully puffed.

RORY

I don't know. Maybe I heard her wrong, but I think that's what I heard her say.

FRANCIE

A voluntary defector.

IVY

Francie.

FRANCIE

I know. [turns to Paris] Paris?

PARIS

Yeah?

FRANCIE

I think the wall can hold itself up just fine, don't you?

PARIS

What?

FRANCIE

You should sit.

PARIS

Sit?

FRANCIE

Here.

PARIS

Sit there?

IVY

Or here.

LEM

Or anywhere for that matter.

PARIS

Well...

RORY

Unless you've got somewhere else to be. Another table, perhaps.

PARIS

Another table?

FRANCIE

No, you have to sit, right here. Come, come. [moves down to make room for Paris]

PARIS

Uh, okay. I guess I can sit, for a little while anyhow. [sits down]

FRANCIE

Okay, so, have we discussed homecoming yet?

IVY

Not to my knowledge.

FRANCIE

I truly believe the whole homecoming dance ritual's be put to sleep.

LORELAI

Uh, in the dining room, and don't drip water on the floor please. Michel, did the...

MICHEL

Five minutes ago.

LORELAI

What about the...

MICHEL

He brought the wrong color, I sent him back.

LORELAI

What? When will he be...

MICHEL

Twenty minutes tops, or I told him I will hunt him down and shave his beard.

LORELAI

Good, now we need the uh...

MICHEL

Oh, yes, thank you for reminding me.

LORELAI

Anything...

MICHEL

No.

LORELAI

Okay, well, I'm going in the dining room. Come and get me if you actually need me to finish a sentence for you.

MICHEL

Will do.

LORELAI

Hey, how's it coming?

MAN

Working on it.

LORELAI

This cannot tilt.

MAN

I know this.

LORELAI

Women in heels will be walking on it. Make it not tilt.

SOOKIE

The lettuce is dry.

LORELAI

What does that mean?

SOOKIE

How attached are you to salad?

LORELAI

It's free to see anyone it wants.

SOOKIE

I don't want to make a salad with dry lettuce.

LORELAI

What's the alternative?

SOOKIE

I can make soup.

LORELAI

Fine.

SOOKIE

Okay, great.

LORELAI

Ah, Sookie?

SOOKIE

Yeah?

LORELAI

Did we pay for the lettuce already?

SOOKIE

Yes, we did.

LORELAI

See if you can put it in the soup.

SOOKIE

Gotcha.

LORELAI

Okay.

LORELAI

Ah, thank God! You brought Bert.

LUKE

Right here.

LORELAI

My men, follow me.

LUKE

By the way, you do tell people that you're the one that named my toolbox, right?

LORELAI

Toolbox, dirty.

LUKE

Oh geez.

LORELAI

Okay, um, move.

MAN

What?

LORELAI

I want Luke to look at it.

MAN

Hey, I put this thing together.

LORELAI

Yes, and I loved your work in Pisa, now get out of the way, please.

LUKE

Okay, so what seems to be the problem?

LORELAI

Uh ha! The problem is. . .that's not funny.

LUKE

I like it when you're stressed. Oh man, he put this thing up all wrong.

LORELAI

Can you fix it?

LUKE

I don't know, I'll see.

LORELAI

You can fix it.

LUKE

You can say it all you want, it doesn't make it true.

LORELAI

You can fix it.

LUKE

Not with you hovering, I can't.

LORELAI

Okay, I'm leaving. You can fix it. [walks away and sees Ava] Oh, Ava, hi.

AVA

God, the place looks wonderful.

LORELAI

Thank you. Let me show you to the room where we're all getting ready.

AVA

All right.

LORELAI

Fix it yet?

LUKE

The moron used the wrong supports.

LORELAI

Please tell me you can fix it.

LUKE

If I told you I couldn't fix it, would you accept that?

LORELAI

No.

LUKE

I can fix it.

LORELAI

Thank you. So we're right back here...[Ava stops to stare at Luke] Uh, Ava, the room's right back here.

AVA

Him.

LORELAI

Who?

AVA

There, man with tools, who is that?

LORELAI

Oh, that's Luke.

AVA

Luke, I like Luke.

LORELAI

What?

AVA

Oh, he's adorable. And he looks strong, is he strong?

LORELAI

Oh I don't know. I don't think he's gonna be in a sideshow anytime soon, but he can get the lid off a pickle jar.

AVA

Is he single?

LORELAI

Well, uh yeah, he is single.

AVA

What kind of women does he like?

LORELAI

I don't know, ones with heads. You know, I don't really know what Luke's taste in women is.

EMILY

Lorelai.

LORELAI

Oh, um, Ava, why don't you go on in the back, go to the right, you'll find the dressing room, I'll be there in a sec. [Ava leaves] Hi Mom.

EMILY

The place isn't nearly done yet.

LORELAI

Ugh. Mom, why don't you just go on in the back and get ready.

EMILY

Did you see the clothes? What am I wearing?

LORELAI

I don't know. I just had them hang them up in the room

EMILY

God, I hope they're not tasteless or zebra striped or spandex.

LORELAI

Well, one good way to find out is to go on back and take a peak.

EMILY

You have to get ready too.

LORELAI

I'll be there in a sec.

EMILY

If I'm doing this, you're doing this. I mean it.

LORELAI

Oh! You fixed it!

LUKE

Yup, for the time being, but I'm gonna stick around for awhile just to make sure nothing happens.

LORELAI

Oh. Okay.

LUKE

What?

LORELAI

What?

LUKE

You don't want me to stick around?

LORELAI

I didn't say that.

LUKE

Is there a reason I shouldn't stick around?

LORELAI

Are you listening? It's fine.

LUKE

Because I'm just doing this for you. I mean, if this thing goes and someone breaks their neck...

LORELAI

Luke, stick around.

LUKE

All right, if you insist.

LORELAI

Hey. Why aren't you dressed yet?

EMILY

I was waiting for you.

LORELAI

Oh, my God, you're a paranoid woman.

EMILY

I'm Emily Gilmore.

LADY

[hands her a garment bag] Okay, here you go. Where's Lorelai Gilmore?

LORELAI

Oh, right here.

LADY

You two are together. [hands her a garment bag]

LORELAI

What?

LADY

You're the mother-daughter team.

LORELAI

Oh, no I'm...

LADY

I have outfits for one mother-daughter team, your names are on the outfits, you're it.

LORELAI

[unzips the garment bag] Ugh! Oh my God!

LADY

I want to welcome you here to the Chilton Booster Club's Annual Fall Festival Fundrasier, where all the proceeds from the evening go directly into the refurbishing of the Chilton auditorium. But enough about the kids. Tonight is about us, and without further ado, ladies and gentlemen, Saks presents a fabulous fall fashion extravaganza.

MENA

Well, I must say, this was definitely better than the salsa band.

GINGER

Oh, people loved it, did you hear them? God, who picked that music?

LORELAI

Um, that'd be me.

GINGER

It was terrific. The whole thing was terrific.

LORELAI

Well, thank you.

MENA

Oh, and hiring that actor to play a horrible, rude, annoying Frenchman. What a riot!

LORELAI

Oh yeah, I thought that'd be fun.

GINGER

You know, if you plan all these damn things, we wouldn't have to have anymore of those stupid meetings.

LORELAI

Oh come on. Don't you want to see how long it actually takes Aubrey to finally learn that kid's name?

GINGER

Eh, you're right. Okay, I'll see you at the next meeting. Great job, really. It's the best event we've ever had.

LORELAI

Well thanks Ginger. Bye Mena.

MENA

Buh bye.

LORELAI

What are you looking so ha-ha about?

EMILY

I'm not looking ha-ha.

LORELAI

Yes you are.

EMILY

All right. Whatever you say.

LORELAI

Come on Mom, fess up.

EMILY

Big success tonight.

LORELAI

Seemed to be.

EMILY

The ladies were thrilled. They adore you.

LORELAI

Yes, well, that's because I'm adorable.

EMILY

Funny isn't it?

LORELAI

What's funny?

EMILY

How nicely you seem to be fitting into the world that you ran away from. Well, goodnight Lorelai. Congratulations. [leaves]

RORY

Is that you?

LORELAI

Nope.

RORY

How was it?

LORELAI

Oh, fine. It ran smoothly, and the food was amazing. Michel only made three people cry.

RORY

How was the fashion show?

LORELAI

Oh, you know, I walked up and down the ramp, looked pouty and sexy, now I'm ready for rehab. I brought you some Booster cake.

RORY

Put it in the fridge please.

LORELAI

Okay.

RORY

How's Grandma?

LORELAI

Uh, mmm, good.

RORY

I'm assuming that's your piece of cake and mine is safely in the fridge.

LORELAI

Hmm, you're cute.

RORY

Uh huh. So what'd you wear?

LORELAI

Oh, look at the time. I'm going to bed.

RORY

Nobody took a picture of you?

LORELAI

Uh, no. Can you believe that?

RORY

You're holding onto that purse mighty tightly there missy.

LORELAI

Yes, well, I really love this purse.

RORY

You have pictures in there.

LORELAI

You calling your mother a liar?

RORY

Yes I am.

LORELAI

Mm, well, that's why I ate your cake.

RORY

Oh my God!

LORELAI

Be nice.

RORY

You look like Nancy Reagan.

LORELAI

Oh, now how is that nice?

RORY

I don't believe this. You look so completely different. Elegant, understated.

LORELAI

Yes, well I was wearing underwear with propellers on them if that makes you feel any better. I'm going to bed.

RORY

I'll send the Secret Service up.

LORELAI

Oh, uh, by the way, I would put on your good pajamas, you know, the cute ones with the cakes on them. And brush your hair and put on a little lip gloss.

RORY

Why?

LORELAI

You're being kidnapped tonight. [goes upstairs]

RORY

Excuse me? [follows her]

LORELAI

I got a call today from Francie.

RORY

What?

LORELAI

Yes, she said that she and her friends were gonna come in while you're sleeping, wake you up, kidnap you and take you out to breakfast in your pajamas.

RORY

Why would they do that?

LORELAI

Apparently it's fun.

RORY

Well, that doesn't sound fun.

LORELAI

She told me to leave a key under the mat and some money on the coffee table.

RORY

And you said yes to this insanity?

LORELAI

Hey, I told you not to become a soc, but you didn't listen.

RORY

I can't believe that you are going to let a group of strange girls come traipsing in here and take away your only child, your precious baby girl, and off to God knows where in the middle of the night.

LORELAI

If it's someplace with doughnuts, bring me one, okay?

RORY

Fine.

LORELAI

Uhh! Hey!

RORY

Christmas Cards.

LORELAI

More like your grandmother every day!

RORY

Mom, my kidnappers are here.

LORELAI

Okay, have fun.

FRANCIE

Hit the lights.

IVY

I can't find it.

FRANCIE

Shh.

ALL

Surprise!

RORY

What's going on?

FRANCIE

Rise and shine.

IVY

You can grab shoes, but no socks.

RORY

Oh wow, this is totally unexpected. I'm completely surprised.

FRANCIE

You looked it.

IVY

Okay, let's move. We've still got a couple more girls to get.

PARIS

So, that's how you look when you've just woken up?

RORY

Um, yeah.

PARIS

Nothing in my life is fair.

FRANCIE

Okay, just a little further.

GIRL

[bumps into lockers] Ow!

IVY

Shh!

GIRL

Sorry.

FRANCIE

Okay, that's far enough. Ladies, here on the spot, tonight in this place, where so many others have come before you, we invite you to join us.

IVY

Ladies, remove your blindfolds.

RORY

We're at Chilton.

FRANCIE

Keys please.

RORY

What are we doing at Chilton?

PARIS

Will you please be quiet. We are being puffed.

FRANCIE

What you are about to do and what you are about to say will remain forever between the members of the Puffs and only the members of the Puffs.

RORY

This is the headmaster's office. How did she get the keys? I'm sure he didn't give them to her.

PARIS

Stop it. We are making very important social contacts here.

RORY

Hey, I'm not looking for social contacts. I have friends. I'm fine.

PARIS

Well, how nice it must be to be you. Maybe someday I'll stumble into a Disney movie and suddenly be transported into your body, and after living there awhile, I'll finally realize the beauty of myself. But until that moment, I'm going to go in there and I'm going to become a Puff. Now get out of my way.

FRANCIE

The historical bell of Chilton, 120 years old. Every member of the Puffs has stood here under the cover of night to pledge her lifelong devotion to us. 'I pledge myself to the Puffs, loyal I'll always be, a P to start, 2 F's at the end, and a U sitting in between.'

RORY

Anne Sexton, right?

FRANCIE

Once you've finished your oath, you will ring the bell three times.

IVY

Rory?

RORY

Yeah?

IVY

You first.

RORY

Um, I pledge myself to the Puffs...

IVY

You have to hold the candle.

RORY

I pledge myself to the Puffs, loyal I'll always be...

FRANCIE

Sing out Louise.

RORY

A P to start, 2 F's at the end, and a U sitting in between.

HEADMASTER

I wouldn't do that again Miss Gilmore.

HEADMASTER

Disappointment, disillusionment, frustration, astonishment. I suppose you could say I am experiencing all of these emotions. Finding some of Chilton's best and brightest acting in such a destructive, immoral and illegal manner will make all of us think long and hard about the manner in which we are educating you girls. But that is all in the future. How do we handle this now? Well, suspension will be considered, detention and extra credit to maintain your current GPA standing will be a given.

RORY

This is unbelievable.

HEADMASTER

What was that, Miss Gilmore?

RORY

Nothing.

HEADMASTER

No, I distinctly heard you mumbling something in a rather disgruntled tone, I'd like to know what it was.

RORY

I said this is unbelievable.

HEADMASTER

And why is this unbelievable Miss Gilmore?

RORY

Because I didn't even want to be here in the first place.

HEADMASTER

Oh, now Miss Gilmore...

RORY

Things were going fine, my grades were good, I joined the paper. My routine was down.

HEADMASTER

Your routine was...

RORY

And I have friends. I have a steady boyfriend, and my mother and I are freakishly linked, and Lane and I have been best friends since kindergarten. But you don't see that because I don't live in this town, and if you don't see it then it must not be true. And you call me in here to lecture me because I'd rather read at lunch then endlessly discuss the euthanasia of homecoming.

HEADMASTER

You're reading had...

RORY

You told me and you told my mother that I needed to socialize, and if I didn't, it would be frowned upon and it would hurt me getting into Harvard.

HEADMASTER

Well, yes, we did say that.

RORY

So, I did it. I sat down at a table, a random table.

FRANCIE

Random?

RORY

And the next thing I know, I'm being pulled out of my bed in the middle of the night and I'm blindfolded and then before I know it, I end up here with the Ya-Ya Sisterhood, reciting poetry and lighting candles, and now I'm gonna be suspended because I was trying to do what you told me? What's fair about that?

SECRETARY

Headmaster Charleston, the parents are starting to arrive.

HEADMASTER

Thank you Mrs. Trager. All right ladies, we'll continue this conversation tomorrow and for many days after that. You may go. Miss Gilmore, I think that maybe you and I should talk some more. [the other girls leave]

RORY

About what?

HEADMASTER

About the fact that though I do feel it is important that students socialize, possibly we may have been a little hasty to judge in your case.

RORY

Really? So does that mean that you might reconsider my suspension?

HEADMASTER

You're an excellent student. You deserve to go to Harvard. I wouldn't want to stand in the way of that. We'll talk tomorrow.

RORY

Thank you.

LORELAI

What happened? The reception on the phone sucked, and all I heard was 'Rory' and 'Chilton' and 'get down here.' Who's butt do I have to kick?

RORY

We didn't go to breakfast.

LORELAI

What are you talking about?

RORY

We came here. They broke into the Headmaster's office as the big initiation.

LORELAI

Oh, those stupid girls.

RORY

Mm hmm. Part of the initiation was ringing a bell. So that's what I was doing when security showed up and they called you.

LORELAI

That's what you got busted for, ringing a bell?

RORY

Yeah, mm hmm.

LORELAI

That's it? Bell ringing?

RORY

Yes.

LORELAI

Uh, were you at least smoking a Cuban cigar while you were doing it?

RORY

Mom.

LORELAI

No, I mean, bad girl. How many times have I told you not to ring bells?

RORY

Let's go.

LORELAI

They can dent or scratch and they make dogs crazy. Who do you think you are, the hunchback of Notre Dame? Are you French, are you circular, I don't think so.

RORY

I'm walking to the car now.

LORELAI

Wait, hold on. How much trouble are you in? Should I go talk to the Headmaster?

RORY

No, I think it's gonna be okay.

LORELAI

Okay. Aw, was it a big bell at least?

LUKE

Hey, good party yesterday.

LORELAI

Yeah, not bad.

LUKE

Yeah, I like the new look. It was very high-class substitute teacher.

LORELAI

Exactly what I was going for.

LUKE

Coffee?

LORELAI

Oh, to go.

LUKE

Okay.

LORELAI

Hey Luke, uh, I feel a little weird even mentioning this to you.

LUKE

What?

LORELAI

Yesterday I saw you talking to Ava, you know, she's in my booster club?

LUKE

Yeah, I know who she is.

LORELAI

Oh, good. Well, good. So anyhow, I saw you guys talking alone and it seemed kind of private, and she mentioned earlier that you didn't make her, you know, gag, so I just figured you guys were making some sort of plans to hang out. And see, the thing is, I just think it would be a little weird if you started dating a Chilton mom. Look, I know I have no right to say anything to you, but it's just, um, if you did date her, well, I'm in the Booster Club with her, which means that I'll hear things, and I don't know, it's just, I'd like to keep that Chilton life separate from my Stars Hollow life, so if there's any way that you could not date her, that would be really great.

LUKE

Boy, I tell you, you've got nerve.

LORELAI

Okay. Well, I know this is your private business.

LUKE

It is my private business.

LORELAI

You don't see any validity to my side at all?

LUKE

I am a grown man. You cannot tell me who to date.

LORELAI

I'm not telling you who to date, I'm telling you who not to date.

LUKE

You can't tell me that either.

LORELAI

Look...

LUKE

I will date who I like, and if that screws with your plans, then sorry. And if you don't wanna hear things, then don't listen.

LORELAI

But...

LUKE

If you don't like it, you can just deal with it.

LORELAI

Okay, I'll just deal with it.

LUKE

Good.

LORELAI

I just thought that if something was going to affect our friendship in some way that you might care about that, because if the situation was reversed, then I would care, but hey, that's me, and so...go ahead, date her, marry her, make her Mrs. Backwards Baseball Cap, live happily ever after, see if I care. [starts to leave]

LUKE

And by the way, I wasn't asking her out. I was giving her directions for the quickest way back to Hartford. It was very romantic. I said you take a right at Deerfield, and you catch the I-5 and you take it south. Oh man, hot stuff.

LORELAI

That is so typical of you.

LUKE

What?

LORELAI

That is not the quickest way back to Hartford. Everybody knows that you take Maine to Cherry to Lynwood and then grab the I-11. Everybody knows that Luke. Everybody, apparently, but you! [leaves]

GIRL

Do you mind?

RORY

Oh, no.

GIRL

Thanks.