T2E8: “The Ins and Outs of Inns”

EMILY

How's the meal?

RORY

Tasty.

LORELAI

Very tasty. New cook?

EMILY

Yes, Marisella. She's introduced us to some wonderful dishes so charmingly specific to her native country.

LORELAI

What country is she from?

EMILY

One of those little ones next to Mexico.

LORELAI

How charmingly specific.

RORY

Too bad Grandpa's not here. He likes weird food.

LORELAI

Yeah, where's he eating his weird food tonight? Argentina? Morocco?

EMILY

Akron.

RORY

Ohio?

EMILY

Yes.

LORELAI

Get out of here.

EMILY

I will not get out of here.

LORELAI

No Mom, I didn't mean really get out of here, I mean...

RORY

Why is Grandpa in Akron?

EMILY

I don't know.

LORELAI

It was just a saying.

EMILY

They sent him to deal with some problem with their local office down there.

LORELAI

A saying, you know, like 'save me' or 'get me out of here'. Things like that.

EMILY

Lorelai, would you like me to put a mirror in front of you so you can look at yourself while you have this conversation?

LORELAI

Sorry, Dad's in Akron.

EMILY

Yes. The amenities are atrociously lacking. He had to eat at a coffee shop last night. The whole thing's terribly insulting. He's miserable.

RORY

I hate that he's miserable.

EMILY

So do I. We really ought to do something.

RORY

Yes, I agree.

LORELAI

Warning, warning.

EMILY

I'm glad to hear you say that Rory, because I thought of a wonderful way to cheer him up.

RORY

Cool, what?

LORELAI

Danger, Will Robinson, danger!

EMILY

An oil portrait of you for his study.

RORY

An oil portrait.

LORELAI

I tried, have fun.

EMILY

It could hang right over his mantle. He'd just love it.

RORY

Well, I guess that would be okay.

LORELAI

Oh Mom, please, don't make her do this.

EMILY

She just said she would.

LORELAI

Fine, paint the picture, but don't make her sit and pose for it. Paint it from a photo.

EMILY

A photo? That's what they do at malls.

RORY

I'll sit, it's fine.

EMILY

Just because your own experience sitting for a portrait was bad doesn't mean Rory's has to be.

RORY

What portrait? I haven't seen this.

LORELAI

They never finished.

EMILY

Three painters started, and they all three quit.

RORY

Why did they quit?

EMILY

She wouldn't stop scowling.

LORELAI

I was going for a Billy Idol thing.

EMILY

The one from Italy had some sort of breakdown.

RORY

Oh my God.

LORELAI

Hey, it didn't hurt Van Gogh, the guy should thank me.

EMILY

A year later, I swear I saw him rummaging through our recyclables.

RORY

Well, I'm happy to sit. If it's for Grandpa, why not?

EMILY

Wonderful. I'll set it up first thing in the morning.

LORELAI

Psst. If you want, I can teach you the Billy Idol. Most people focus on the lip thing, but the eyes are just as import...

LUKE

So, the first thing you and Sookie would do is incorporate.

LORELAI

Wow. Sounds so big time.

LUKE

Not really. It just means you're a single business entity. You'll both be officers and shareholders, and you'll get to make up a name for your company and everything.

LORELAI

Mmm, I'm terrible at coming up with names. When we first bought out house, Rory and I wanted to name it, you know, like Jefferson named his place Monticello, but all we could come up with is The Crap Shack.

LUKE

Nice.

JESS

Coffee?

LORELAI

Oh, yeah, thanks. How are you Jess?

JESS

Well, I'm not bleeding or anything.

LORELAI

Well, then it's gonna be a good day, huh?

JESS

Yeah. It's 7:45.

LUKE

So?

JESS

So do you want me to go to school or do you want to openly defy child labor laws?

LUKE

Go. Stay out of trouble.

JESS

Guess that means calling off the chickie run down at the salt flax.

LUKE

Out. [Jess leaves]

LORELAI

Wow, so much love.

LUKE

So, you guys have a site in mind for the inn?

LORELAI

Yes.

LUKE

Great, where?

LORELAI

You've seen pictures of it. The Rachel property.

LUKE

Oh, right.

LORELAI

Sorry.

LUKE

It's okay.

LORELAI

I just meant, Rachel took the pictures, and the pictures kind of got us into the place, so we started calling it the Rachel property 'cause it made sense at the time and then it became a habit. But now out of respect for you, I'm gonna stop repeatedly using her name and uh, think of another name to call it. Let's see, The Crap Shack's taken.

LUKE

It's okay. Call it what you want.

LORELAI

So, who taught you about all this business stuff? Your dad?

LUKE

Please. My dad didn't even have a checking account until I finally got taller then he was. He bought this land with cash from working construction, built this place himself. Didn't have a bookkeeper, an accountant, or anything.

LORELAI

Wow, so you had no one showing you the ropes.

LUKE

Nope, I figured I had to just dive in on my own, fail if that's my destiny, and forget what the experts say.

LORELAI

That is exactly my philosophy. Exactly. Except I'm not diving in on my own, I'm diving in with Sookie, and, uh, failure is not even a choice of destinies, and I'm consulting any expert who will listen to me. Otherwise, it's identical.

LUKE

Well, I should be getting going. You gonna write this meal off?

LORELAI

Why?

LUKE

Oh, we talked business. You gotta be thinking about these things.

LORELAI

No, I mean, why? I'm not paying for it. [Luke sighs] Exactly.

LUKE

You're gonna do fine.

LORELAI

It shouldn't be too flashy.

SOOKIE

How about something historical, like 'The Paul Revere'?

LORELAI

Oh, that could work.

MICHEL

What could work?

LORELAI

We're thinking up names for the inn we're gonna open.

SOOKIE

I mean, if you want simple, something like 'The Country Rose'.

LORELAI

That's pretty good.

SOOKIE

We could line the front path with multicolored roses.

LORELAI

Or. . or 'The Inn by the Hollow'. Kind of long.

SOOKIE

No, but nice.

MICHEL

How about 'The Money Pit'?

LORELAI

Boo.

MICHEL

Or 'The Outhouse'. Go international.

SOOKIE

Go back in your hole.

MICHEL

Or 'The Inn Heading for Bankruptcy'. Kind of long, but nice.

SOOKIE

You who have no dreams rain on those who do.

MICHEL

I say this because I care about you. It's risky what you are doing. Most new businesses go down within two years.

LORELAI

I say if we go down after two years, it'll be the most exciting two years of our lives.

SOOKIE

Same here. Boredom stinks.

MICHEL

Fine, proceed blindly. [hands Lorelai some papers] Here, it came in ten minutes ago. It does not involve the Independence Inn, therefore delivering it was beyond my official obligations, so I am taking an extra long lunch break. [leaves]

SOOKIE

He's so genuine.

LORELAI

Oh my God.

SOOKIE

What?

LORELAI

It's the title search for the Rachel property. And guess who owns it.

SOOKIE

Tell me it's not that bastard Donald Trump.

LORELAI

Fran.

SOOKIE

Fran from Weston's Bakery?

LORELAI

Sweet little Fran, the cupcake lady. Not some cigar-chomping, dirty dealing city slicker.

SOOKIE

Ooh! That's good. Hey! 'The Country Slicker.' Funny name, cutesy idea...

LORELAI

Mm, it's a little much.

SOOKIE

It's way too much.

LORELAI

I'll call Fran.

SOOKIE

'Fran's Old Place'! It'll be like Ruth's Chris Steakhouse. People will be trying to figure out who Fran is. Or 'The In Inn'! It's like an inn that's in with the in crowd. . .I'm gonna go sit down.

LORELAI

Do that sweetie.

SOOKIE

Okay.

SOOKIE

Honey, I'm so sorry. Am I late late or just late?

LORELAI

Two pieces of carrot cake and a rumball.

SOOKIE

Ah, I am so sorry! I swear I meant to be on time, but I was prepping the raspberry glaze for tonight's dessert special, and it struck me. I made a blueberry glaze for the soufflé I made last Tuesday, and this is Tuesday, and a lot of locals come every week on the same night every week, and I just didn't want to serve them some. . .like a similar dessert even though it's a completely different berry. . .

LORELAI

I need another rumball.

SOOKIE

Ah, I'm sorry.

LORELAI

No, you're a perfectionist, and that attention to detail is why people call you the Maestro.

SOOKIE

Really? Who calls me that?

LORELAI

The people who eat the rumballs.

FRAN

So ladies, how are we doing here?

SOOKIE

Oh, we're doing great Fran.

FRAN

Oh, well that's wonderful.

LORELAI

Fran, could Sookie and I talk to you for a couple minutes?

FRAN

Oh, of course. Marjorie can handle things. [sits down] Oooh.

LORELAI

Fran, are you okay?

FRAN

Aw, it's this bum hip. It needs to be replaced, again. And I have this awful angina.

SOOKIE

Oh, we're so sorry to hear that.

FRAN

So, I know you didn't come here to listen to me gripe, so tell me what's on your mind.

LORELAI

Okay, well Fran, we understand that you own the old Dragonfly Bed and Breakfast, that whole property out there.

FRAN

Why, yes I do. It was my parents' business.

SOOKIE

It's a beautiful place.

FRAN

Oh, it used to be. But it's in such disarray now.

LORELAI

Yes it is, and that's kind of why we're here. We'd actually like to buy it.

FRAN

Buy the Dragonfly?

LORELAI

Yes, we'd like to buy it and make it beautiful again, and we're prepared to make you an offer right now.

FRAN

Oh my, well this is a surprise.

LORELAI

See, Sookie and I are gonna start our own inn and we've been searching for the perfect place.

FRAN

Your own inn?

LORELAI

Yeah.

FRAN

Oh how wonderful! You are going to be so successful.

SOOKIE

Thanks Sweetie.

LORELAI

That means so much, like we have your blessing.

FRAN

But I can't sell you the property.

SOOKIE

What?

LORELAI

How come?

FRAN

I just couldn't. You know, I have no siblings and no children and in a ways, that place is really the only family I have. I'm the last Weston left, so I plan to own it forever.

LORELAI

Forever?

FRAN

Forever and ever.

LORELAI

That's a very long time.

SOOKIE

A very long time.

FRAN

I'm so sorry.

LORELAI

Fran, may I ask. . . um. . .

FRAN

Go ahead honey, ask me anything you want.

LORELAI

Well, what happens to the place if you. . .well, if forever isn't quite forever?

FRAN

I don't understand dear. All I know is that I can't sell the place.

LORELAI

Oh no, I don't mean selling it. I mean, you would keep it forever, but what happens once you're no longer in the position of physically controlling the property?

FRAN

How could that be?

LORELAI

Uh, well, if you um, if you...

SOOKIE

Take a long vacation.

LORELAI

Yes, take a long vacation. Thank you.

SOOKIE

You're welcome.

LORELAI

And when you're on that long vacation, the property is just left sitting there. Well, what happens then?

FRAN

Oh, I don't enjoy vacations. I toured the California gold country ten years ago, it was hot and the bus smelled.

LORELAI

Okay, I mean a longer vacation than a trip to California.

SOOKIE

To a different place.

FRAN

What kind of place?

LORELAI

A place out there.

SOOKIE

Way out there Fran.

FRAN

Europe?

LORELAI

I mean the ultimate long vacation.

SOOKIE

Yeah, Francie, eventually, we're all gonna take the same long vacation.

LORELAI

And with that being the case, you might want to sell the property now and enjoy the money.

FRAN

I'm very sorry, but I can never sell the place.

LORELAI

Oh, well thanks for your time Fran.

SOOKIE

Yeah, thanks Fran.

FRAN

Bye now.

LORELAI

Bye.

SOOKIE

Bye.

FRAN

You both look so sad. Would you like a cupcake?

LORELAI

Please.

SOOKIE

Yeah.

FRAN

Good.

LANE

So, Janie Fertman's trying to be my friend again.

RORY

Yikes. What kind of vibe are you giving her?

LANE

Oh, my patented Keith Richards circa 1969 'don't mess with me' vibe, with a thousand-yard Asian stare thrown in.

RORY

That should do it.

RORY

What's happening up there?

POLICEWOMAN

Just try to calm down Taylor.

TAYLOR

Calm down! Why should I calm down?

BOOTSY

Yeah, why should he calm down?

TAYLOR

I want action not words.

BOOTSY

Yeah, action not words.

TAYLOR

Don't you need to get back to your newsstand, Bootsy?

BOOTSY

No buddy, I'm all yours.

POLICEWOMAN

We're gonna get to the bottom of this, I promise you.

TAYLOR

A crime was committed right in front of my store.

POLICEWOMAN

Now, we can't say that for sure yet.

TAYLOR

How come you can't say that for sure? This is a police tape. You're the police, you own the tape!

POLICEWOMAN

Taylor, we've contacted everyone in the precinct. No one knows anything about this.

TAYLOR

Well, what am I supposed to do? I've got a dead body right in front of my store!

POLICEWOMAN

No, you have a chalk outline of a dead body in front of your store.

BOOTSY

Meaning that there were two crimes.

POLICEWOMAN

What?

BOOTSY

What do you mean what? Somebody got murdered, then somebody stole the body. It's open and shut, bing bang boom.

POLICEWOMAN

Is this your son?

TAYLOR

I should say not.

BOOTSY

Oh.

POLICEWOMAN

Look, my partner's doing a headcount to see if anyone in town is missing. Until then, just hang tight. [leaves]

RORY

Hey.

DEAN

Hey.

RORY

What's going on?

DEAN

I don't know. I got here and this is what I found. I mean, I told him it looked fake, but he didn't believe me.

RORY

And you have such an honest face.

DEAN

Well, he must not love me as much as you do.

LANE

Okay, you two are officially sickening. [leaves]

POLICEWOMAN

Everyone's accounted for Taylor. It looks like this is just an elaborate prank.

TAYLOR

But it looks so real. Where'd they get the police tape?

POLICEWOMAN

Kids have their ways.

TAYLOR

Who'd be depraved enough to pull a stupid prank like this?

POLICEWOMAN

Hard to say.

RORY

Mom, you're not writing what you purchased on the back of any of the inn's credit cards receipts.

LORELAI

Oh, well, just put cooking spray and sponges.

RORY

Okay. And when an auditor wants to know why you need such large amounts of cooking spray and sponges?

LORELAI

Then I drop my pencil and I put the scoop neck sweater that I'm now making a mental note to wear to good use.

RORY

Well at least you've got a solid well thought out plan.

SOOKIE

I had a dream last night about us and Fran.

LORELAI

Oh, what was it?

SOOKIE

Well, it was in the future and we were all old, you and me and Rory and Jackson and Michel, everyone. Gray hair, walking around with canes, we're all kind of ailing, you know? I had those big cataract glasses on. You were hard of hearing and kept going, Huh? Huh?

LORELAI

Oh, that's attractive.

RORY

Its you kids with your rock and roll.

SOOKIE

But wuh-ho, here walks up Fran, and guess what. She looks exactly the same, even better.

LORELAI

Ugh! That's not fair.

SOOKIE

That woman is gonna live forever.

LORELAI

Not necessarily. Hey, did you look up angina? I forgot to.

SOOKIE

Yeah, it's nothing major.

RORY

You guys have got to stop talking like this.

LORELAI

Like what?

RORY

We love Fran, remember? Fran is great.

SOOKIE

No, honey, of course we love Fran. We just wanna know what God's little plan is for her, that's all.

MICHEL

I would advise at least pretending to look busy, the boss is here.

RORY

Mia!

LORELAI

You're kidding! When?

MICHEL

I just spotted her walking in.

LORELAI

Let's go.

RORY

Mia!

MIA

Uh! Oh my babies! Ooh! [hugs them]

RORY

Did we know you were coming?

MIA

I didn't know I was coming.

LORELAI

This isn't a surprise inspection is it?

MIA

That's exactly what this is. Ready? Oh, you're too thin as always.

RORY

But we eat.

MIA

And you're both too beautiful.

LORELAI

Yes, that's true. We often feel guilty monopolizing the amount of beauty we're in possession of.

MIA

And I don't see you enough which is my fault, so you both pass.

LORELAI

Aww.

MIA

Ooh Michel. Ooh, how nice to see you. Uh, and look at that suit. You are quite the dandy, aren't you?

MICHEL

Well, I had a feeling that a lovely woman was going to be visiting today so I decided I must look my best for her.

MIA

I'm sorry honey, I didn't catch a word of that.

RORY

He said he missed you.

MIA

You've been in the U.S. quite some time Michel, your enunciation really should be better by now.

MICHEL

The customers seem to understand me just fine.

MIA

I didn't get that either. Did you get the tapes I sent you?

LORELAI

Hey, maybe you should hit the desk. A couple of people are looking for help.

MICHEL

Right away. Mia, uh, I. . . [salutes and walks behind the desk]

MIA

So, are you too busy to sneak out with me for a walk?

RORY

Not if it's okay with the boss.

MIA

It's a demand at this point.

LORELAI

Let's go. Michel, hold down the fort?

MICHEL

Oh, it's a little slow now, so it's no problem.

RORY

Oh, he says that he's never liked you and that you're a problem.

MICHEL

I said no such thing!

MIA

I don't know where this hostility comes from. Can we work this out?

MICHEL

There's nothing to work out.

RORY

He told you to get out.

MICHEL

I did not!

MIA

I don't know what I did to make him hate me.

MIA

Look at this place, it's exactly the same.

LORELAI

Actually, I made him paint it a few months ago.

MIA

Well, good for you.

LUKE

Mia hey!

MIA

Nice to see you Lucas.

LUKE

You're the only person in the world who can call me that, Mia.

MIA

I know this.

LUKE

I'm saying it for others who plan to try it later.

LORELAI

Whatever Lucas.

LUKE

Mia, you know anything about toasters?

MIA

Not a damn thing.

LUKE

Well, then sit down and let me get you some coffee.

LORELAI

So, Mia, how's living in Santa Barbara?

MIA

Horrible. Did you know the damn sun shines all the time out there?

RORY

They've written songs about that.

MIA

Well, no one told me that's how it was. Half of my wardrobe is obsolete.

LORELAI

Aw, drag. Hey, you know that vintagey blue coat?

MIA

You're not getting it.

LORELAI

Right.

JESS

You're making that worse.

LUKE

Big help, thanks.

LORELAI

Luke's nephew.

MIA

Luke, that's your nephew?

LUKE

It's Liz's kid. Jess, this is Mia, she owns the Independence Inn.

JESS

Huh.

LUKE

That's 'Hello, nice to meet you' in slacker.

JESS

You don't need me down here, do you? [leaves]

LUKE

I'm sorry Mia. He's just...

MIA

Oh please, forget it. You weren't exactly a talkative boy yourself when you were his age.

LORELAI

That's right, you knew Luke as a boy.

RORY

I can't imagine Luke as a boy.

LUKE

Can we change the subject?

MIA

He would help people carry groceries home.

RORY

Oh, how very Boy Scout-y of you.

MIA

For a quarter a bag.

LORELAI

Oh, how very John Birch Society-y of you.

MIA

He was never without his skateboard for a time.

LORELAI

Were you any good?

LUKE

I could hold my own.

MIA

And there was that year you wore the same shirt everywhere you went.

LUKE

I don't remember that.

LORELAI

Must have been something flannel.

MIA

No, it was from that TV show. That famous one.

LUKE

It's not important.

MIA

Star Trek, that's it!

LORELAI

Oh my God, oh my God!

LUKE

Stop it.

RORY

You were a Trekkie?

LUKE

I was not a Trekkie.

LORELAI

Uh uh, I do believe that denying you were a Trekkie is a violation of the prime directive.

RORY

Indubitably captain.

LUKE

It was a gift from my aunt, I wore it to make her happy.

LORELAI

I've never wanted to make any aunt of mine that happy.

MIA

Did I say something I shouldn't have?

LORELAI

Oh no Mia, that's okay. I just have to cancel everything I have scheduled for the next three months 'cause I'll still be laughing my ass off.

TAYLOR

Luke, I need to talk to you right now.

LUKE

What is it Taylor?

TAYLOR

I have conducted a thorough investigation of all the people who may have inadvertently been witness to the phony murder at my store last night.

MIA

There was a phony murder?

LORELAI

Yeah, the town's too dull to work up a real murder.

RORY

But you're one 'beam me up Scotty' reference away from being the victim of one.

LORELAI

Mm.

TAYLOR

Luke, are you going to listen?

LUKE

What's this got to do with me?

TAYLOR

Three people have reported seeing Jess in that area late last night, skulking, lurking.

LUKE

There were a lot of people out late last night. I know because I fed some of them. I'll give you their names so you can add them to your suspect list.

TAYLOR

Another person witnessed Jess walking out of an arts and crafts store two days ago with what appeared to be chalk.

LUKE

You appear to be bugging me Taylor.

TAYLOR

What are you gonna do about it Luke?

LUKE

About what?

TAYLOR

About the results of my investigation.

LUKE

Absolutely nothing, but thanks for the info.

TAYLOR

You have to do something. People want action.

LUKE

People, meaning you.

TAYLOR

Not just me. I speak for the Stars Hollow Business Association, the Stars Hollow Tourist Board, the Stars Hollow Neighborhood Watch Organization, and the Stars Hollow Citizens for a Clean Stars Hollow Council.

LUKE

All of which are you.

TAYLOR

So are you going to act.

LUKE

Yes I am. I'm gonna act like you never came in here.

TAYLOR

Fine, have it your own way. But I warn you, there's gonna be a lot of unhappy people at S.H.B.A., the S.H.T.B., the S.H.N.W.O. and the S.H.C.C.S.H.C.

LUKE

F-I-N-E.

TAYLOR

Oh, you're. . .you're impossible, you are impossible! [starts to leave] Oh, hi Mia.

MIA

Nice to see you Taylor. [Taylor leaves] Ah, I gotta get out of Santa Barbara. I miss the small town theater. And I miss you. Hey, do you realize it was fifteen years ago almost to the day?

LORELAI

Yes it was.

RORY

What was?

MIA

To the day when this skinny little teenage girl showed up at the inn. She had this tiny little thing in her arms.

LORELAI

A little thing named Rory. [pinches Rory's cheeks]

RORY

Okay, no physical reenactments.

MIA

You marched up to me, looked me right in the eye and said, 'I'm here for a job. Any job.'

LORELAI

Well, IBM had turned me down for the CEO slot, so I was desperate.

MIA

Work experience none, recommendations none, skills...

LORELAI

Besides flawlessly applying mascara in a moving car, none.

MIA

Not one thing to recommend hiring her. Just that...how do I put it and remain a lady...that 'who cares' look in her eyes, so I gave her any job. The other maids hated you.

LORELAI

Yeah, well they were all so slow.

MIA

You were special.

RORY

Mia, why don't you move back here? We miss you.

LORELAI

Or at least visit more? You used to check in. You never come at all.

MIA

I don't have to. You've made me redundant.

LORELAI

I have not.

MIA

Don't be humble. The inn is beyond covered. It's never run this well or been this successful. That inn is like your place now. Without you I wouldn't know what to do, I'd be lost.

LORELAI

Lost, yeah.

RORY

Yeah.

MIA

You look sad now, why?

LORELAI

Oh, nothing.

LORELAI

In all the excitement, I hadn't thought about telling Mia. What is wrong with me?

SOOKIE

Nothing is wrong with you.

LORELAI

I feel terrible. I should've told her before. I should've told her the day the idea occurred to us. She deserved that. [phone rings] After all she's done for me. [answers phone] Hello?

EMILY

Lorelai, your daughter's being impossible. She won't pose in an appropriate manner.

RORY

I'm trying to Grandma. It's just awkward.

LORELAI

Let me guess how you're posing her. She's in a silly gown on a silly chair with both of her hands raised in some silly way.

EMILY

No, just the one hand is raised, and none of it's silly.

LORELAI

Pick a simpler pose, Mom.

EMILY

This is the simplest, and it wasn't my choice.

LORELAI

And your choice is...

EMILY

I wanted the swan to sit regally aside Rory's throne.

LORELAI

Swan? Throne?

EMILY

Oh, now you have a problem with swans and thrones.

LORELAI

Because swans and thrones scream one thing Mom, Siegfried and Roy.

EMILY

Who?

LORELAI

Make a change Mom.

EMILY

I suppose you'd just have her sitting in a chair reading a book.

LORELAI

Now that sounds great.

EMILY

Oh, be serious.

LORELAI

I am. That's a completely natural pose for Rory. And a painting of her reading that's gonna be hung in Dad's study seems just crazy enough to work.

EMILY

Well, maybe it's not such a bad idea.

LORELAI

Give it a try. And let her lower her arm.

EMILY

Rory, you can lower your arm.

RORY

Thanks.

EMILY

I think he's just hungry. We're going to lose the swan.

LORELAI

Good going Mom. Bye. [hangs up] Ugh. So how do I do this? How..how...how do I tell Mia that I'm leaving?

SOOKIE

Get her drunk first?

LORELAI

Oh, I can't believe it. I'm gonna let down the one person in my life who was there for me when I needed it the most. I'm great, aren't I?

MIA

I wanted to put it on the front desk but I think it might be a tad short.

MICHEL

Well, we could get a carpenter to build up a base and raise it up two inches and then it would be perfect.

MIA

Great idea. Hey, I got that, every word!

MICHEL

Yes!

MIA

Oh, oh, I'm so proud!

SOOKIE

So you gonna tell her now or later?

LORELAI

Later, because she's so happy that she can finally understand Michel and that the lamp is fixed and that...

SOOKIE

[clucks like a chicken]

LORELAI

And that too.

RORY

We're late.

LORELAI

We're not late.

RORY

The last time we were late, Taylor said that there would be consequences.

LORELAI

He did not. He said there would be severe consequences.

RORY

Mia, what time is it? Are we late?

MIA

I hope so.

LORELAI

Mia!

MIA

I'm sorry, but it's been two years since I've gotten to go to a town meeting and I want some controversy.

LORELAI

Aha!

LUKE

Geez! Don't sneak up on me like that.

LORELAI

Yeah, boy, I was lucky you had your phasers on stun, huh?

RORY

Well, at least we're not late. Luke's never late.

LUKE

Actually, we're 2 minutes early.

RORY

Ha! We should get a prize for being on time.

LORELAI

Hey Luke, let's go back to the diner and get some pie as our reward for being on time.

LUKE

Then you'd be late.

LORELAI

A funny conundrum, but I want pie.

LUKE

You're harassing me now.

LORELAI

I'm not harassing you. We're your groupies. [in high voice] Oh Luke, you're so dreamy, be my guy!

RORY

[in high voice] No, be my guy!

LUKE

I'm bringing up the need for more police protection at this thing.

MIA

I think we're late.

LUKE

What's going on here?

TAYLOR

Uh, nothing.

LUKE

Meeting was supposed to start at eight Taylor, it's a minute to eight.

TAYLOR

Well...

MISS PATTY

Oh, you might as well be honest with him Taylor.

LORELAI

Be honest with him about what?

TAYLOR

Well, if you must know, there was a special issue that the business community had to deal with first, so we decided to start early tonight.

LUKE

I'm in the business community and I wasn't told about it. Taylor?

TAYLOR

All right, fine. You weren't invited Luke.

LUKE

And why is that?

MIA

Controversy.

TAYLOR

You weren't invited because we are dealing with the Jess situation.

LUKE

The Jess situation?

LORELAI

Uh oh. If this was the wild west, we'd be pushing the horse aside and diving into the water trough right about now.

LUKE

Dammit Taylor!

MISS PATTY

Luke, honey, calm down.

TAYLOR

After all, this is all your doing. If you hadn't so cavalierly dismissed the issue, we wouldn't have had to do this. I lost business because of what your hooligan nephew did.

LUKE

How was business lost Taylor? If you had to open a little late that day, your customers just came back later.

TAYLOR

Not so. When Mrs. Lanahan couldn't buy her head of lettuce that morning for her lunch, she drove straight to Woodbury to buy lettuce from a competing market. Isn't that right Mrs. Lanahan? Mrs. Lanahan?

LORELAI

You really shouldn't be driving anymore.

TAYLOR

Word has it that she was telling other Doose market shoppers that Woodbury lettuce is crisper. That's business flying out the door.

LUKE

Okay fine. How much is a head of lettuce, a buck? Oh, let's go crazy, give me five heads.

TAYLOR

This goes well beyond a head of lettuce, young man. The charges against your nephew are numerous. He stole the 'save the bridge' money...

LUKE

He gave that back.

TAYLOR

He stole a gnome from Babette's garden.

LUKE

Pierpont was also returned.

MISS PATTY

He hooted one of my dance classes.

FRAN

He took a garden hose from my yard.

MAN

My son said he set off the fire alarms at school last week.

LORELAI

I heard he controls the weather and wrote the screenplay to Glitter.

BOOTSY

I think it's time for me to pipe up here.

LUKE

Oh yeah, that'll be good.

BOOTSY

I have every right to pipe in here Luke. I'm a local entrepreneur.

LUKE

You took over your father's newsstand Bootsy, it doesn't make you an entrepreneur.

BOOTSY

And you took over your old man's hardware store.

LUKE

And turned it into a diner.

BOOTSY

Big whoop. Who can't fry an egg?

TAYLOR

Let's keep it moving here boys, huh?

BOOTSY

I never liked the look of that kid from the second I saw him.

LUKE

Unbelievable.

BOOTSY

Excuse me, but I've got the floor.

LUKE

You don't have the floor.

BOOTSY

I'm standing, aren't I?

LUKE

Well I was standing first which means I have the floor and I'm not giving it to you.

TAYLOR

What is with you too?

BOOTSY

This goes way beyond the Jess matter Taylor. Luke's been on my case since the first grade when he wrongfully accused me of sabotaging a clay imprint that he made of his hand.

LORELAI

Ooh! Think hard, was he dressed like Sulu?

LUKE

No one cares about the stupid clay hand Bootsy. And you stomped on it while it was drying. Three kids saw you.

BOOTSY

No I didn't.

LUKE

You did too!

BOOTSY

No I didn't.

TAYLOR

Boys, please. The bottom line here is that there is a consensus among townspeople who are in agreement that Stars Hollow was a better place before Jess got here.

LUKE

So this half of the room gets the tar, and the other half gets the feathers?

TAYLOR

Well, there hasn't been any talk of tar and feathers. Although...

LUKE

Look, I've lived in this town my entire life, longer than most everybody here.

BOOTSY

I beg to differ. I'm five weeks older than you, that means I've been here five weeks longer.

LUKE

I've never bothered anyone. I've kept to myself and I've done the best I could. I pay my taxes, and I help people when I can. I haven't pitched in on the decorative pageantry town stuff because it all seems insane to me, but I don't get in the way of that stuff either.

TAYLOR

What's your point, Luke?

LORELAI

His point is...do you mind?

LUKE

Be my guest.

LORELAI

His point is, that if there's a problem...

LUKE

And I'm not saying there's a problem.

LORELAI

Right, he's not saying there is a problem, but if there it, give him time to deal with it before you storm his diner with torches and pitchforks.

LUKE

Right. What I'm dealing with, being a problem, that I don't necessarily agree that I even have.

LORELAI

Right.

TAYLOR

I didn't get that last part.

LORELAI

Lay off him because what you're all doing stinks.

LUKE

I'm done here. I'm done with all of you. Oh, and I was gonna stay open later in case anyone wanted to eat after the meeting. Forget that. [leaves]

BOOTSY

His turkey burgers are very dry.

MIA

Well, I must say that was quite exciting.

LORELAI

A little disturbing. I think the whole town needs a field trip.

RORY

Do you think Luke's okay?

LORELAI

I think he will be. He just needs to cool off a little.

RORY

Hey, I'm gonna go check on Dean. He's been scraping that outline off the cement for two days now.

LORELAI

Good idea. There's nothing like your face on his to make the cleaning process go faster.

RORY

She's all yours Mia.

MIA

I'll take her.

LORELAI

Bye hon. [Rory leaves]

MIA

Oh, I am just having the most wonderful time. And I am so proud of you and Rory. You both have just come so far.

LORELAI

Yeah, we have. Um, Mia, I need to talk to you about something.

MIA

Of course. What is it, honey?

LORELAI

Well, um, it's really hard, and uh, I should've brought it up ages ago, but Sookie and I are thinking of making a change.

MIA

A change?

LORELAI

We're going to open our own inn.

MIA

Oh!

LORELAI

I mean, we've talked about it for a long time and it seems like the time is right and...Oh Mia, I love the Independence Inn and Sookie loves it too and we both love you so much.

MIA

I know.

LORELAI

But it just feels like something we need to do and...you hate me.

MIA

No I don't.

LORELAI

I'm letting you down. I'm walking out. I'm being ungrateful.

MIA

Lorelai, stop. Do you think I was naïve enough to think that you'd work for me forever? You and Sookie have more talent for this business than I do. And I'm very good. You're going to open an incredible place, and if you don't let me help you in any way I can, then I'll be very mad.

LORELAI

Of course, we need your help. We'd be lost without your help.

MIA

Good. I was just wondering, what's the time frame for this big move?

LORELAI

Well, we're waiting for this perfect location to free up, that's all that's delaying us. But I promise you'll have plenty of notice and I'll be there to find our replacements and train them.

MIA

Oh yes, that's very sweet of you, but I'm wondering if you could possibly make it sooner rather than later?

LORELAI

What?

MIA

Well, you see, your leaving gives me the perfect excuse to finally sell the place.

LORELAI

Sell the place?

MIA

Oh, I get offers all the time, lucrative ones, but I never even considered it because. . . oh, of course I love the inn, but I just couldn't do that to you. And now that you have this big change coming up in your life, it might be time for one in mine.

LORELAI

Oh. Good, uh, good. Then it all works out good.

MIA

Actually, it's very good!

LORELAI

Okay. Well...good.

LORELAI

Hey.

SOOKIE

Hey. So I'm working on the menu for the Duncan wedding.

LORELAI

I can't read that.

SOOKIE

I know. I had it all typed up nice and neat to begin with but on the drive into work, I got an inspiration. I just started crossing it out and writing in the new stuff. And it ain't easy writing and driving, and...I can't read that. What is that - cumin?

LORELAI

Sookie, I can't read that either.

SOOKIE

Oh. I'll just get you a new one. Hey, how did your talk with Mia go?

LORELAI

Fine. Good. She took it like you said she would - classy.

SOOKIE

She is classy. Good, good. That's a relief. It is a relief right? I mean, you said she took it good?

LORELAI

Yes she did.

SOOKIE

But you look upset.

LORELAI

She's gonna sell the inn.

SOOKIE

You're kidding.

LORELAI

No, she said she gets offers and she thinks this might be kind of fortuitous timing for her.

SOOKIE

Well, great, so everybody wins, that's good. Look happy. Okay, this does not look happy.

LORELAI

I just don't understand how she can do this.

SOOKIE

What's the big deal?

LORELAI

The big deal is...she's not gonna sell it to another Mia. It's gonna be a big chain, and they'll come marching in with their business models and their corporate approved architects and designers, and change everything around and remodel, and the place will lose all its personality and charm.

SOOKIE

Well, I hope they don't do that, but hey, our place is gonna be full of charm.

LORELAI

So you don't care what happens to this place?

SOOKIE

Of course I do, but it's not up to me. I mean, I can't control that. The only thing we can control is what our inn's gonna be like.

LORELAI

I guess.

SOOKIE

You guess what?

LORELAI

We'll see.

SOOKIE

We'll see what?

LORELAI

It's just a little short sided to just write off this place when we haven't even bought Fran's yet and, hey, we don't know if we will.

SOOKIE

We don't? Why wouldn't we? Lorelai. Is this about Fran's life expectancy because I...

LORELAI

No Sookie, it's about the fact that we haven't even looked at any other places and we don't know if that's necessarily the right one and we have to be very practical about this.

SOOKIE

But it's the perfect location. We all said so.

LORELAI

Well, you can't get emotionally attached to any of our decisions about the inn. This is business. You've got to stay detached.

SOOKIE

But we are all so not detached. But...okay, do you have another location in mind?

LORELAI

Not really.

SOOKIE

Do you wanna look for a new location?

LORELAI

Oh, yeah, like I have all this time to go looking for other locations.

SOOKIE

Well, I don't know. Should we try to buy this place?

LORELAI

Aha. This place is five times what we can afford.

SOOKIE

So what do we do?

LORELAI

I don't know. It's on hold, I guess.

SOOKIE

Well, it's been on hold for years. We were moving forward.

LORELAI

Yes, well, I'm looking at the economy right now and I'm thinking, I don't know if the timing's good.

SOOKIE

Okay, that's not fair because I don't know anything about the economy.

LORELAI

Oh, well then good thing you hooked up with me because it's not looking good.

SOOKIE

Okay, what happened?

LORELAI

What do you mean, what happened?

SOOKIE

We had a vision, we had a plan. You're the one that got this whole ball rolling again, and I jumped on the ball, and then we were rolling on the ball together and then you hopped off the ball, and I'm still on the ball. And I'm confused, 'cause I see it, and I see our vision, and you saw it too up until today!

LORELAI

Well, I know you would like things to be simple and straightforward but unfortunately things are more complicated.

SOOKIE

Okay, that's why we'd be partners. If something gets too heavy for the one person, the other one's there to pick up the slack.

LORELAI

Yes, well that's great in theory, but I gotta tell you, my back is aching from all the extra slack I'm taking up!

SOOKIE

What did I do that's so wrong?

LORELAI

Let's not get into this stuff.

SOOKIE

No, get into it.

LORELAI

Well, you're not the most reliable person in the world or the most punctual.

SOOKIE

You've always known that about me.

LORELAI

Yes, but now, getting into business, it's not so cute. It could hurt us. I mean, you were late for the Fran meeting, you're constantly changing every menu you ever set, even after you've started making it.

SOOKIE

I don't believe this! Before it was kudos to me for my attention to detail. I was the maestro.

LORELAI

That's fine for an established place like the Independence, but you do that stuff at our place, it could wipe us out. Profit margins in a new business are slim, Sookie.

SOOKIE

Just stop. Just stop. Now you're talking down to me.

LORELAI

I'm not talking down to you, I'm trying to explain.

SOOKIE

Yes you are. Yes you are, and I don't know why you are, but I don't want to start crying in front of you because it'll just give you one more thing to point at to say, 'Look, she's too emotional and she's too weak for me to go into business with,' so I'm leaving. And I'll see you tomorrow, if I can remember to show up.

DEAN

Hey, I gotta drop by the market.

RORY

But it's your day off.

DEAN

Yeah, it's to get my paycheck. If I don't get it by four, Taylor locks it in a safe and it's on some kind of timer and then when I complain, he lectures me about promptly putting checks in the back and the theories of compound interest, and then my head hurts from all the nodding I do even though I don't listen...

RORY

Go, go!

DEAN

I'll just be a minute.

JESS

Should you be standing here all alone? I hear this is a pretty dangerous corner.

RORY

I'm fine.

JESS

Feeling succinct today?

RORY

Pretty much.

JESS

Hmm. Did I do something to offend?

RORY

Me?

JESS

Yeah.

RORY

No.

JESS

Good.

RORY

You might want to ask that same question to Luke though.

JESS

Meaning?

RORY

You've got this whole town down on him.

JESS

Really? How did I do that?

RORY

You know how you did that.

JESS

I'm not really familiar with the blue book laws in this town, so you can be talking about a lot of things. Dropping a gum wrapper, strolling arm in arm with a member of the opposite sex on a Sunday. [Rory gestures to the chalk outline] Ah. What about it?

RORY

You did it. The whole town knows you did it. They had a meeting about it.

JESS

You actually went to that bizarro town meeting? Those things are so 'To Kill a Mockingbird.'

RORY

Yes, I went. And Luke went. And when he got there, everyone ganged up on him. They all want you gone.

JESS

Wow, bummer.

RORY

And he's standing there yelling at everyone and defending you and paying Taylor back for his lettuce losses...

JESS

Wait, his what?

RORY

And now Luke's a pariah and it's all because of you! What a shock, you don't care about any of this.

JESS

I didn't say that.

RORY

Go. I'm tired of talking to you.

JESS

Fine. [starts to walk away]

RORY

You care nothing about Luke and his feelings!

JESS

Got a second wind, huh? [walks back over to Rory]

RORY

All he does is stick up for you and all you do is make his life harder. I guess that's what you have to do when you're trying to be Holden Caulfield but I think it stinks. Luke has done a lot for my mom and a lot for me, and I don't like to see him attacked. Okay, second wind over.

JESS

I didn't know they were coming down so hard on him.

RORY

Funny, I never pegged you as clueless, my mistake.

JESS

Okay. I get it. No, no, I do, I get it. So did you at least think it was funny?

RORY

That is so not the point.

JESS

Ah, you thought it was funny.

DEAN

I got it. Oh, uh, hey.

RORY

Um Dean, I don't think you two have met. This is Jess. This is Dean.

JESS

Boyfriend?

RORY

Of course.

JESS

Sorry, you didn't say. How ya doing?

DEAN

Good, good.

RORY

Okay, see you around.

JESS

Seems to turn out that way, doesn't it?

RORY

I wonder if Grandpa's still in Akron?

LORELAI

Well for Akron's sake, I hope he's moved on to Boise. [rings doorbell; the maid answers] Hi. We're the daughter and the granddaughter.

RORY

You are majorly crabby.

LORELAI

I just have a headache.

EMILY

Oh Good! Come, come, come, it's all done, and it's great.

EMILY

Tada.

RORY

Whoa.

EMILY

What do you think?

RORY

It's freaky.

EMILY

Freaky?

RORY

Well, just seeing me here, up on the wall like that, it's uh. . . I like it though. It's good, I guess. I should probably take myself out of the judging process.

EMILY

I think Richard's just gonna love it. It's the perfect thing, don't you think?

LORELAI

Mm hmm.

EMILY

You've got to admit, it turned out better than you thought it would.

LORELAI

Yeah.

EMILY

Well, come on, say a little more than that.

LORELAI

It's great Mom, it's fabulous. It's just a notch below Rembrandt.

EMILY

Well, you don't have to take that attitude.

LORELAI

What do you want from me? I'd light some sparklers and jump up and down yelling 'Yay for the painting' but I'm fresh out of sparklers and my feet hurt too much to jump. But I promise next week when I have more energy, I'll write a love song for the chandelier.

RORY

Mom.

LORELAI

Hey, how dare you walk away from me when I'm being a world class jerk to you. The painting's great Mom, really.

EMILY

Thank you.

LORELAI

I really like it. It's so natural that she's reading which is great, and she's not sitting next to a goose or a giant tortoise, which is good, and Dad is gonna love it. It's a good thing you did here.

EMILY

You can be so harsh sometimes, and I just don't know where it comes from or what I've done to deserve it.

LORELAI

You did nothing.

EMILY

Well, I must've done something.

LORELAI

Oh, I've been...it's just been a bad week. Sookie and I were moving forward with plans to open our inn, and we had huge fight. And we've never had a huge fight, let alone a fight, and awful things were said and it all started when Mia showed up for a visit and I told her about our plans and she's talking about selling the Independence Inn and it just wigged me out a little. It's stupid, I don't know, but that was our home for so long, mine and Rory's. And it's just weird to think that it wouldn't be there and Mia wouldn't be there and I wouldn't be there, and I just got very upset. Anyway, I'm rambling. The painting's really great. Will you accept my apology?

EMILY

Yes, yes I will. I've had bad days too.

LORELAI

Thank you.

EMILY

Well, we should get back to Rory.

LUKE

Okay, I'm pretty much done.

LORELAI

Thanks for doing this. I didn't want the rain to destroy your beautiful chuppah. And I looked and looked in the yellow pages and I didn't see a chuppah waterproofer listing anywhere.

LUKE

How about chuppah goat figure repairman?

LORELAI

Gilbert.

LUKE

What?

LORELAI

The goat. We named him Gilbert, he's headless. Can you fix him?

LUKE

Yeah, I got some glue here. I can fix him.

LORELAI

Good. I'll make some tea.

LUKE

So, Sookie stopped at the diner this morning.

LORELAI

Oh.

LUKE

I asked her how your plans were going with the new inn, and she very awkwardly changed the subject to women's basketball.

LORELAI

Huh.

LUKE

She's never shown much interest in sports before.

LORELAI

No?

LUKE

What's going on with that?

LORELAI

Oh well, you know, women's basketball is getting super popular. That's good, I think. The tall girls need an outlet. We had a fight. A big, humongous fight. She's never going to speak to me again.

LUKE

What happened?

LORELAI

I just flat out panicked about the enormity of what we were getting into and it clobbered me, and I clobbered Sookie, and was such a jerk. Hey, if I cry, will it freak you out?

LUKE

Totally.

LORELAI

What if I whimper?

LUKE

How about you suck it up?

LORELAI

Hmm, I'll try.

LUKE

I don't get it. You're as ready as you've ever been.

LORELAI

Oh Luke, do not underestimate the complete and total lack of confidence I have in my abilities.

LUKE

What? You're the most confident person I know. Obnoxiously so.

LORELAI

Thank you.

LUKE

I mean in a good way. You're good at what you do and you know it.

LORELAI

Oh, no, no, no. I'm good at doing what I have to do. When I had to get a job, I got it. When I had to find a house for us and a life for us, I got it. When I had to get Rory into Chilton, I did it. But I don't have to leave the Independence Inn. I don't have to go into business for myself, I don't have to walk out on that limb and risk everything I've worked for.

LUKE

Then do it.

LORELAI

What?

LUKE

Just say where you are.

LORELAI

What is this, reverse psychology?

LUKE

No, just stay at the inn. You're happy there.

LORELAI

Oh, so you think I can't hack it.

LUKE

Of course you can hack it.

LORELAI

Great, lip service, that's what I need.

LUKE

Hey, if I start to cry, will it freak you out?

LORELAI

Ugh. I couldn't stay where I am if I wanted. Mia is selling the inn. And that hit me hard too, maybe harder than the other thing. I'm gonna be without a home.

LUKE

What do you mean? This is your home.

LORELAI

No, I mean a home home. A memory home. The inn is where Rory took her first step. It's where I took my first step. It's more of a home to me more than my parents' house ever was.

LUKE

You're just scared. Just like everybody else when they're taking on something big.

LORELAI

Well, then what does everybody else do to get through this feeling?

LUKE

They run in the back, throw up, pass out and then smack their head on the floor.

LORELAI

What?

LUKE

That's what I did on the first morning I opened the diner. Look, there is no button to push to get you through this. You just gotta jump in and be scared and stick with it until it gets fun.

LORELAI

How long 'til the diner got fun?

LUKE

About a year.

LORELAI

Wow. And there's no button?

LUKE

Nope.

LORELAI

How about a lever, can I pull a lever?

LUKE

Nope.

LORELAI

Turn a knob?

LUKE

Nope.

LORELAI

You just jump?

LUKE

You just jump.

LORELAI

I wanna do it.

LUKE

You should do it. Check it out. [holds up the fixed wooden goat]

LORELAI

Gilbert. You're not worse for the wear.

LUKE

I'll go reattach him. How'd this happen anyway?

LORELAI

Oh, something must've smacked into him with a hedger.

LUKE

Uh huh, well, no one'll ever know. Oh, and uh, women's basketball is in season. You might wanna run that news past Sookie, and maybe you can go to a game or something.

LORELAI

Yeah. Or something. Thanks.

LORELAI

Hi.

SOOKIE

Hi.

LORELAI

Mm. Meat loaf, mashed potatoes, stuffing. Comfort food, huh?

SOOKIE

I thought it would be good with the weather changing like this, but if you don't think it's right I can make something else. Although I'm right on schedule and on budget so a change would kinda throw things off. Your call.

LORELAI

No, no, everything looks great. Hey Sookie.

SOOKIE

Yeah?

LORELAI

I'm sorry about what happened. I said stupid things, and I said them for reasons that have nothing to do with you and I hate myself for doing it and I know you do too, and I am sorry.

SOOKIE

It's okay.

LORELAI

No it isn't. You are a brilliant chef and to think that you should do things differently from how you do them now is ridiculous. You don't tell a great violinist to hold his bow differently. You don't tell a great cymbal player to crash his cymbals differently. You just let them play.

SOOKIE

There are great cymbal players?

LORELAI

Theoretically.

SOOKIE

Okay, well, it's okay.

LORELAI

I wanna go ahead with our plans. Forget my freak out. Pretend it didn't happen. Let's move forward.

SOOKIE

Well...

LORELAI

You don't want to move forward?

SOOKIE

No, I do. But I need your promise you're not gonna lose it on me again.

LORELAI

I promise.

SOOKIE

'Cause I couldn't take losing a business partner and my best friend in one fail swoop. It'd be too much.

LORELAI

Sookie, I will place my hand on whatever you want and swear that you can trust that I will not lose confidence in our dream.

SOOKIE

That's good enough 'cause I know you don't like to put your hand on things.

LORELAI

We're gonna give it our best shot.

SOOKIE

And if we go down after two years...

LORELAI

Oh, it'll be the most exciting two years of our lives!

MAN

How about antiques?

MIA

Absolutely, it's the best place for antiques. Michel will have a map for you if you need it.

MAN

Thank you.

MIA

Hello, can I help you?

EMILY

No, thank you. I just...

MIA

Yes?

EMILY

I just wanted to meet the woman who helped raise my daughter.

MIA

Emily.

EMILY

Yes, I'm Emily Gilmore.

MIA

I've wanted to meet you too for a very long time.

EMILY

Well, that's nice.

MIA

Would you like to sit down? Or have something to eat? Have lunch with me, won't you?

EMILY

No, thank you. You have a lovely place here. It's a beautiful hotel. It's not a home, but still, a beautiful hotel.

MIA

Sometimes home is where your hat is.

EMILY

Or where your family is.

MIA

Yes, that too. You sure you don't want some tea? Tea usually makes things like this a little less awkward. There's things to hold and stir.

EMILY

I don't know why I came here.

MIA

You wanted to meet me.

EMILY

After all these years, it makes no sense.

MIA

I expected you to come eventually.

EMILY

Did you?

MIA

Mm hmm.

EMILY

And what did you expect to say to me when I did come?

MIA

When Lorelai showed up on my porch that day with a tiny baby in her arms, I thought to myself, what if this were my daughter, and she was cold and scared and needed a place to live? What would I want for her? And then I thought, I'd want her to find somebody to take her in and make her safe and help her find her way.

EMILY

That's funny. I would've wanted her to find someone who would send her home. I have to go. I'd appreciate if you didn't mention this to Lorelai.

MIA

I won't.

EMILY

Do you have pictures, from back then?

MIA

I'll send you a box full tomorrow.

EMILY

Thank you.

LORELAI

Oh man, it's such a relief to have that Sookie thing fixed.

RORY

I know. I hate fighting with friends.

LORELAI

That's what enemies are for.

RORY

And God knows we have our share of those.

LORELAI

People who eat crunchy food with their mouths open.

RORY

People who dog ear library books.

LORELAI

People who spit when they talk.

RORY

Oh gross, you got me in the eye!

LORELAI

I did not.

RORY

You totally did!

LORELAI

You're full of it.

RORY

Luke, where's my toast?

LUKE

Ah, it's gonna take awhile. My big toaster's broken so I got stuck with just this dinky one.

LUKE

How did that happen?

JESS

You're gonna break that.

LUKE

It was broken before.

JESS

Well it must've got better.

LUKE

Inanimate objects don't usually get better. Did you fix this?

JESS

Please.

LUKE

Jess.

JESS

I have no idea what you're babbling about. I don't fix things.

LUKE

But yesterday...

JESS

I got school.