T6E13: “Friday Night’s Alright for Fighting”

LORELAI

AND LUKE'S BEDROOM

LUKE

[half asleep] Hey.

LORELAI

Hey... did I wake you? 'Cause I brushed my teeth in the shower so you wouldn't hear the sink run.

LUKE

No, you didn't wake me up.

LORELAI

But then it occurred to me, while I was in the shower that you could probably hear the shower run, and that defeated the purpose of the whole shower-toothbrush combo.

LUKE

Why are you up so early?

LORELAI

Oh, well, you know me.

LUKE

I do, so why are you up so early?

LORELAI

I have chores.

LUKE

It's six o'clock in the morning.

LORELAI

Well, it's early morning chores.

LUKE

What's early morning chores?

LORELAI

You know, just milking cows, feeding chickens, slopping pigs.

LUKE

You have to slop pigs?

LORELAI

They're certainly not gonna slop themselves.

LUKE

You're being evasive.

LORELAI

I'm not being evasive. I'm trying to remain mysterious so you still find me interesting 100 years from now.

LUKE

Why won't you tell me where you're going?

LORELAI

Well... I'm going to the flower mart.

LUKE

Why?

LORELAI

Because I'm meeting Sookie there because we were going to get ideas for flowers for the wedding...

LUKE

oh.

LORELAI

...That is now postponed.

LUKE

Right.

LORELAI

But I forgot to call her last night because I did, and, uh, she's there now, waiting for me to pick out flowers.

LUKE

Sorry.

LORELAI

No. Hey. It's my bad. I should have called her last night.

LUKE

No, I meant I was sorry about the... [Sighs] You need a ride?

LORELAI

No... So, I should go. She's probably already there, and --

LUKE

Right. Go.

LORELAI

Okay.

LUKE

I'll see you later.

LORELAI

Yes. Yes, you will.

LUKE

Uh, can I help?

LORELAI

Help what?

LUKE

Help you.

LORELAI

Help me what?

LUKE

Cancel stuff.

LORELAI

Oh.

LUKE

I mean you shouldn't have to do this all by yourself.

LORELAI

No, it's fine. I'm a great canceller. I'm so smooth, people think I'm still gonna show up. I'm good.

LUKE

But –

LORELAI

But I should really get going, I'll see you later?

LUKE

Tonight.

LORELAI

Yeah... unless I cancel. [they both laugh] Just kidding. I'm not going to... oops [remembers to get something from the dresser] Go back to sleep.

LUKE

[Luke gets out of bed and goes to Lorelai] Hold on...

LORELAI

Ow! [They bump into each other]

LUKE

God, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to – [Luke laughs again]

LORELAI

It's fine. It's okay.

LUKE

Uw –

LORELAI

It hurts so good, as Mr. Mellencamp said. Is it bleeding?

LUKE

No, no.

LORELAI

Okay. [Luke sighs] That's okay. I'll see you.

SOOKIE

And what are those called?

FLOWER VENDOR

Bluebells.

SOOKIE

Ooh Bluebells, that sounds fancy. And what are those?

FLOWER VENDOR

Fairy wings.

SOOKIE

Fairy wings, so romantic. Do they smell good? Ohh. Terrible. Fairy wings smell like a very different part of the fairy, if you know what I mean.

LORELAI

Sookie!

SOOKIE

Hi! Don't smell the fairy wings.

LORELAI

Don't what?

SOOKIE

[Giggles] Never mind.

LORELAI

Sorry I'm so late.

SOOKIE

That is okay it gave me a chance to scope out the place. Sharon over there has great stuff, but she is completely anti-haggle. "This is my price, and you will pay it." You know what Sharon this is me walking away from you over to Miguel's, who's very haggle-friendly, but his roses suck. Do you want roses?

LORELAI

Sookie... [Trying to get her attention]

SOOKIE

Because if you don't, I saw some bluebells over at Tim's that I know are not your normal-bouquet kind of choice, but we can make something interesting out of them.

LORELAI

Sookie...

SOOKIE

Yes?

LORELAI

The wedding has been postponed.

SOOKIE

What did you do?

LORELAI

What did I do?

SOOKIE

Did you get cold feet? You can't get cold feet. We need to put some nice wool socks on those feet, because Luke is perfect for you.

LORELAI

I know.

SOOKIE

He waited for you to get over Christopher. He waited for you to get over Max.

LORELAI

Sookie.

SOOKIE

Why do you do this? Why do you want to make yourself miserable?

LORELAI

He has a kid.

SOOKIE

Who has a kid?

LORELAI

Luke has a kid.

SOOKIE

Luke has a kid?

LORELAI

Luke has a kid.

SOOKIE

A kid, like a goat?

LORELAI

A kid, like a daughter. She's 12 years old. He found out a few months ago, and he just told me about it yesterday.

SOOKIE

Holy Moly.

LORELAI

He's completely in shock, and he's trying to handle it the best way he can.

SOOKIE

Drinking?

LORELAI

No.

SOOKIE

Xanax?

LORELAI

No. He's trying to be a father, and I applaud that.

SOOKIE

So for 12 years Luke's had a daughter out there just walking around?

LORELAI

Yeah.

SOOKIE

That is crazy! Oh, my god.

LORELAI

What?

SOOKIE

I wonder if Jackson has a love child.

LORELAI

What?

SOOKIE

I saw this kid wandering around town the other day. He looked exactly like Jackson and his voice was exactly like Jackson's, plus he was holding a banana, so I think he likes fruit.

LORELAI

Jackson doesn't have a son he doesn't know about.

SOOKIE

Why not? Luke had a daughter he didn't know anything about.

LORELAI

I know.

SOOKIE

You think Luke's the only one with a past? You think Jackson was a monk when I met him? He had seed, and he passed it around.

LORELAI

Sookie...

SOOKIE

Sorry. Right. Sorry. So, how is Luke?

LORELAI

He's just trying to deal. I mean, he wants to do the right thing by April. That's her name... April.

SOOKIE

Pretty name.

LORELAI

Yeah, he's just trying to figure everything out and the wedding was coming up so fast, we decided to postpone it for a while.

SOOKIE

That sucks.

LORELAI

No, it's okay. It fine, it's just I have calls to make you know, all the plans were made.

SOOKIE

I'm a great dialer. What do you need?

LORELAI

I have to call the printer and the caterer and the photographer and the and the... church the perfect church that only had one date available. I knew it was all too easy. I knew there had to be a catch.

SOOKIE

No, there was not a catch. Luke will get over the shock of this, and he'll figure things out, and everything will be back to a big "go, go, go" again.

LORELAI

Yeah know, Luke will figure it out. Everything will calm down.

SOOKIE

That's right.

LORELAI

I mean, it's all so fresh right now. No one's thinking straight.

SOOKIE

No, they're not.

LORELAI

I mean he could wake up tomorrow and feel completely differently or you know next week, maybe.

SOOKIE

Maybe.

LORELAI

You know maybe I shouldn't cancel everything right away. I mean I still have some time before I lose my deposit on the hall. Maybe I should just chill out and and see what happens. Is that crazy?

SOOKIE

No, it's not crazy at all.

LORELAI

Okay. Then... I'll wait?

SOOKIE

Once more with feeling?

LORELAI

Okay, then, I'll wait.

SOOKIE

Okay.

LORELAI

It's early. Let's get some coffee. [They start walking] Are you talking about that Arnaz kid?

SOOKIE

Yes! That's the one!

LORELAI

Well, he does talk like Jackson.

SOOKIE

I know, and he even gets louder at the end of his sentences!

LORELAI

That's weird.

SOOKIE

I told you so.

LOGAN

Stop. [Rory stops walking] Look. [Rory looks down]

RORY

I don't remember that being there yesterday.

LOGAN

Yesterday you came from the other way, so you missed the trash can but you almost took out the bike rack.

RORY

Thank god I have a guardian angel hanging out by the coffee kiosk.

LOGAN

Well, it's the only place it's safe to stand with a maniac like you walking around. Plus, here, I'm guaranteed to run into you at least three times a day. [hands Rory a coffee] Your usual.

RORY

You've been hanging out at this coffee cart every day.

LOGAN

Yes, it's sad. I'm officially a wuss. If I saw me doing this, I'd beat the crap out of myself.

RORY

You have nothing better to do with your time?

LOGAN

Nothing better than to try and get you back, no.

RORY

You're too slick for your own good, Huntzberger.

LOGAN

Excuse me but this is not slick. This is a Nora Ephron movie. Louis Armstrong should be warbling as we talk. So come on please, put me out of my misery. You promised you'd let me take you to dinner.

RORY

How 'bout Thursday night?

LOGAN

Really?

RORY

Yeah, I'll have turned in my article for the daily news and my Friday morning history class was canceled this week.

LOGAN

Okay, great. Thursday it is 7:30. And do not think of backing out, because I will cry and eat a pint of rocky road while watching "An Affair to Remember." With Rita Wilson

RORY

Of course.

LOGAN

7:30?

RORY

Can't wait.

LOGAN

Eyes on the road. [Rory stops reading and looks up]

LORELAI

AND LUKE'S HOUSE

LORELAI

[hi pitch voice] Paul Anka, mommy's home! She comes bearing kibble! [puts down the bag] Hey, where are you?! [Closes the front door] Oh, no. [Starts looking for him] What have you done? You're hiding. That means you've done something weird. [Sees a pile of book in front of the book shelves] Oh, seriously? You know some dogs dig! It might be a nice change of pace!

BABETTE

Hey, sugar. I heard some terrible crashing sounds coming from your living room today. I tried to get in, but Luke fixed the back door, so you can't jiggle it off the hinge anymore. [Lorelai starts to clean up the books] You should really talk to him about that, sweetie. Anyhow I hope everything's okay. Call me later if it's not. Bye-bye, toots! [Answering machine beeps]

RICHARD

Lorelai, it's your father. I'm calling to tell you there's been a little mistake with Rory's tuition at Yale. It Seems our check was returned to us. For whatever reason, they did not cash it. Now, don't worry. I'm sure it's just some sort of clerical mix-up. I've been on the phone with the bursar's office all morning. I'm currently waiting for a call from a Mrs. Linwood, and then I'm sure I will get this all cleared up. Tell Rory not to worry. [Lorelai picks up the phone and starts dialing a number] If anyone gives her any trouble, tell them to call me. I will call you later. Goodbye.

RORY

Hey, mom.

LORELAI

Oh, you got your study voice.

RORY

Yep, It goes with my pop-quiz walk and my term-paper face.

LORELAI

Five minutes?

RORY

Go.

LORELAI

I just got a call from your grandfather.

RORY

[looking a little mad] Oh yeah.

LORELAI

He called to tell me Yale returned his check. He thinks it's a clerical error.

RORY

Huh...

LORELAI

Not a clerical error.

RORY

Nope.

LORELAI

They're gonna find out, kid.

RORY

Yep.

LORELAI

Getting charged by the word on you calling plan?

RORY

What do you want me to say?

LORELAI

How about "what do you think we should do?"

RORY

Nothing.

LORELAI

Rory they're going to find out that Christopher is paying for Yale.

RORY

I know.

LORELAI

And they're not gonna like it. It's gonna go over badly. It's gonna be the opening night of "taboo" all over again.

RORY

They had to find out eventually, mom.

LORELAI

Yes, but shouldn't they find out from you, not some office clerk at Yale?

RORY

What's the worst that can happen? We won't be speaking anymore? Gee, that would suck.

LORELAI

Wow. Ice, ice, baby.

RORY

Sorry, not trying to be cold, but I don't think I should feel guilty because I want my father to pay for college.

LORELAI

No, you shouldn't, but my parents do have feelings. You saw my mom when the gardener butchered her box hedges.

RORY

Okay, fine. I'll send them an e-mail.

LORELAI

Okay, fine, but you could also call and tell them yourself. It'll probably only cost you 75, maybe 80 words.

RORY

[Rory looks at the newspaper in front of her] Oh, no.

LORELAI

What oh, no you saw a rat "oh, no" or you cut off your thumb "oh, no"?

RORY

Paris.

LORELAI

Oh, no.

RORY

I have to call you back. [Rory starts packing up her stuff]

PARIS

The point is vague.

A.K.

The point is not vague.

PARIS

The point is vague! The conclusions are insane.

A.K.

The conclusions are Johns Hopkins', not mine.

PARIS

The research is sloppy, the sources are unreliable, the font is wrong, the paper feels thin, and the by-line should read "story by a petulant 2-year-old "who had one too many black and tans last night and so this is what you people get to read." Fix it!

PARIS

[To Rory] I can't get anyone to write their names on their cups and use them again. It doesn't seem that hard. Open sharpie, write name.

RORY

Maybe people don't want to reuse a paper cup.

PARIS

Well then, hopefully people who don't want to reuse a paper cup won't mind buying SPF 5000 for their grandkids when the rainforest is gone and the ozone layer is a doily and the human race is bursting into flames.

RORY

Maybe we could just tell everyone to bring a mug for their water.

PARIS

We could, but they won't bring a mug, just like they won't properly proof their articles or double-check their sources.

RORY

Paris, did something happen? You seem upset.

PARIS

I'm just dealing with the usual incompetence around here, that's all.

RORY

[Shows Paris the newspaper] What happened here?

PARIS

Our pictures have sucked eggs lately, and so I sent out two photographers to cover the same story. They each came back with about 40 of the crappiest pictures ever to have been committed to film, completely unusable.

RORY

It was supposed to be a picture of a football game.

PARIS

I know.

RORY

Well, was there one with a guy in a helmet holding a football? Because that's really all you need.

PARIS

They were predictable and standard.

RORY

Guy in helmet holding ball.

PARIS

Cover of the Harvard crimson, after the big game, guy with helmet holding ball. Stanford game, guy in helmet holding ball. I wanted something more okay, something that really said something about the game.

RORY

Like "we forgot to go"?

PARIS

And then, of course, when the temperamental artistes found out I had double-booked the gig, they threw Naomi Campbell-level hissy fits and quit.

RORY

So you just left it blank? Why, to make them look bad? Because it doesn't make them look bad. It makes you look bad.

PARIS

It was up to the sports editor to inform me that no picture was approved.

RORY

You needed someone to remind you, you didn't approve a picture?

PARIS

Hey, I have a million different things I am doing here!

RORY

Paris, we cannot be publishing papers that have blank spots in them, and we cannot have all our photographers quit because there's not an endless supply of them.

PARIS

Oh please, how hard is it to look through a hole and push a button? I can do it myself. How are you doing on your story?

RORY

Fine. You'll have it first thing tomorrow morning.

PARIS

Finally, one person I can count on. [Putting papers one someone's desk] These need more work.

BILL

These are locked.

PARIS

Well, unlock them.

PARIS

Then track them down, because those stories are not going in the paper like that. [Walks away and into a “bunker” she has made out of cubical partitions and sheets of iron on top]

BILL

She's out of control. She's a mad dictator. She's the kind of dictator they don't just like to kill. She's the kind I'd like to drag through the streets and then hang from a lamppost for a month and a half.

RORY

Let's just get this paper out. Where's Sheila?

BILL

Sick.

RORY

What about Joni?

BILL

Sick.

RORY

There's an awful lot of sickness going on around here lately.

BILL

Yes, there certainly is and there's probably going to be a lot more very soon. [On the phone] Michelle? Bill. Well, I just talked to Paris and you know what that means. Easy, just the messenger.

LORELAI

AND LUKE‘S HOUSE

RICHARD

Hello?

LORELAI

Hi, dad. It's Lorelai.

EMILY

Lorelai?

LORELAI

Mom?

RICHARD

Emily?

EMILY

Richard?

LORELAI

Rowan? Martin?

RICHARD

Lorelai called me, Emily.

EMILY

She did, what for?

RICHARD

I don't know, she hasn't told me yet.

EMILY

Lorelai, why did you call your father?

LORELAI

Well I just wanted to know how he was doing.

RICHARD

I'm doing fine.

LORELAI

Very glad to hear that.

RICHARD

All right. It's good of you to check in.

EMILY

Goodbye, Lorelai.

LORELAI

Whoa, guys, wait.

RICHARD

Is there more?

LORELAI

More than the nothing there just was? Yes, there's more.

EMILY

Hurry up, please. I'm meeting Bill Chandler at the club, and I'm late.

LORELAI

Okay, well, I just wanted to tell you that there was no mistake with your Yale check.

RICHARD

There wasn't?

LORELAI

No um, they sent you back your check because Yale has already been paid for.

EMILY

By whom?

LORELAI

By Christopher.

EMILY

Christopher who?

LORELAI

Christopher Isherwood. That "cabaret" money was burning a hole in his pocket. You know what Christopher, mom... His grandfather passed away recently and left him some money and he just wanted to do something for Rory. He's trying to be a dad for once. I thought it seemed like a good idea. [Emily slams down the phone]

LORELAI

Hello? Guys, are you there?

RICHARD

I'm here, Lorelai. Your mother had to go.

LORELAI

Oh, dad, please don't read too much into this. I mean, when was the last time Christopher wanted to do anything for Rory? He wants to contribute. This is a good thing... This is not a snub, dad, I swear. Rory and I are so grateful for everything you and mom have done, all the help you've given her. She would not be in Yale right now if it weren't for you and she would never have gone to Chilton. She would have graduated Stars Hollow high and then gone to community college and then beauty school.

RICHARD

I have to go, Lorelai.

LORELAI

Dad!

RICHARD

I appreciate the phone call. I simply wish it had come before I called every person in the bursar's office a moron.

LORELAI

Well... if it will make you feel any better, odds are, at least two of them truly deserved it. [Richard chuckles]

LORELAI

I can't believe you didn't dress crazy like we agreed.

RORY

We never agreed to dress crazy.

LORELAI

What are you talking about? We did so, on the phone last night when we made our lunch plans.

RORY

You saying, "hey, let's dress crazy," does not equate to us agreeing to dress crazy.

LORELAI

For years, it did.

RORY

Well, for years, you bought my clothes for me, so I had very little choice.

LORELAI

Oh, so typical, kid grows up, goes to a fancy school, becomes a snob, and is suddenly ashamed of her mother. You totally Mildred Pierced me.

RORY

I did not Mildred Pierce you.

LORELAI

Oh, you'll miss me when I'm gone.

RORY

Oh, my god.

LORELAI

Just an observation. The food here has gotten worse. Ooh, coffee!

RORY

You have coffee in your hand.

LORELAI

By the time she makes a new one, the old one will be gone.

RORY

Okay, two, please.

LORELAI

Two double cappuccinos, please. [Rory hands over some money]

RORY

Thanks for having lunch with me.

LORELAI

Well, you paid.

RORY

So, guess what.

LORELAI

What?

RORY

I'm having dinner with Logan tonight.

LORELAI

So, he finally wormed his way back in, huh?

RORY

He did, at that.

LORELAI

Is he taking you someplace fabulous?

RORY

Odds are.

LORELAI

Want to borrow my scarf?

RORY

Wait for the wedding night?

LORELAI

[giggles] You got it. [Takes coffee from vendor] Ooh, thank you, ma'am. Well, I talked to your grandparents last night.

RORY

Oh, so now they're my grandparents.

LORELAI

I told them about Yale.

RORY

Good.

LORELAI

Good.

RORY

I'm glad.

LORELAI

You're glad I told them or you're glad they know?

RORY

Both.

LORELAI

You want to know how they took it?

RORY

No.

LORELAI

They took it great. Mom practically broke the phone, she hung up so hard, and dad, well, dad was solemn, quiet, sad. It was a huge success. Okay here's how I see it, you and your grandparents are at a huge crossroads. A press-avis if you will. They are the bridges of Madison county, and you are Meryl Streep.

RORY

As the paper pages go flying off the calendar.

LORELAI

Hey, listen to me. I'm serious here. I know you and your grandparents are playing the "who can freeze out who the longest?" Which I know can be fun, but if you ever hope to have a relationship with them again, then someone needs to make the first move. I remember the first Christmas after we left Hartford. We were at The Independence Inn, and I got an invitation to their annual Christmas party, and I didn't go, and that one move defined our entire future relationship. I mean, if I had gone, it would have been awful, but it would have broken the ice, and maybe and I know this is a big "maybe" but maybe we would have been a tad closer than we are now or could ever hope to be.

RORY

Maybe, maybe not.

LORELAI

I just know how much you love your grandparents and how important to you it was to have a relationship with them, and I don't want the fact that you inherited my stubbornness to screw all that up.

RORY

Okay, I hear you.

LORELAI

Do you? Because my scarf is screaming as loud as it can.

RORY

I will think about it.

LORELAI

Alright... You have till 6:45 Friday night, then we're having dinner with them.

RORY

What?!

LORELAI

I made the plans last night.

RORY

But --

LORELAI

Come on, Rory. Friday night dinners, cocktails, Mozart, mind games, good times.

RORY

Yeah, but I'm not so sure about this.

LORELAI

Rory mom already said she's really into this, you can't back out now.

RORY

She is?

LORELAI

Yeah.

RORY

Grandma said she was “into this”?

LORELAI

Well, you know, she didn't say it like that, but she said, [English accent] "oh! Dinner with Rory! "How delightful! Well, spit-spot. Alert the corgis."

RORY

Mom.

LORELAI

Yes, yes, she's into it. Now, what do you say?

RORY

Okay.

LORELAI

Okay? Do you want to wear my scarf to dinner? I know you do.

RORY

Bill.

BILL

Well, look who's all dressed up for the ball.

RORY

I sent in my story this morning and never got a confirmation call, did you get it?

BILL

Yep.

RORY

Well, no one called me in for a final edit and I need to finish this up now. I have a date tonight. So, who is the copy editor on my piece?

BILL

That would be Michael.

RORY

Well, where is Michael and everyone else?

BILL

Well, let's see. The sports department, city department, entertainment department, and feature department, other than you, have quit. Michael quit. Sylvia quit. Joni quit. Sheila's sick tonight, but as soon as she's better, she's going to quit.

RORY

Great.

BILL

Oh, not done. The senior editor quit. The entire copy department quit. The little fellow who brought around sandwiches in the basket quit.

RORY

Okay, fine, I get it. Everyone quit.

BILL

Not everyone, but close. It was quite an exodus, very biblical. All that was missing were the Cabala bracelets and the Matzo.

RORY

Whatever. We'll figure that out later. Right now I just need to finish my article, so I guess you and I can do it together.

BILL

We could, but I quit, too.

RORY

What?

BILL

Right after Joni. I bowed out. I actually bowed, physically bowed.

RORY

Then what are you doing here?

BILL

Are you kidding, I'm going to have a ringside seat for the event of the century. Tonight will be the first time ever in the history of the Yale daily news that the paper does not come out.

RORY

Very nice.

BILL

D-day, the paper came out. Kennedy gets shot, the paper comes out. But three months of the Geller reign of terror, and the whole damn institution comes tumbling down.

RORY

You suck, Bill.

RORY

Paris? [She goes inside] Holy crap.

PARIS

[she is busy working] I can't talk now.

RORY

What happened to this place? There's no air in here or light. Where are your fire exits? You love fire exits.

PARIS

No one can write a lead, no one.

RORY

[sighs] Paris, do you have any idea what's going on out there?

PARIS

I can't think about that now.

RORY

Half the staff has quit, no more than half the staff has quit and there's no one out there working.

PARIS

There's no one out there working when there's people out there working. Ship of fools.

RORY

Paris, the paper's not gonna come out.

PARIS

Of course it is.

RORY

How? Nothing's done.

PARIS

I'm working on it.

RORY

Alone?

PARIS

I can do it alone. I've been doing it alone for months. No man is an island, but this woman is.

RORY

But, Paris.

PARIS

I've got it all scheduled out. As long as I stick to the schedule, everything's going to be fine. I'm finishing up a review of the drama club's production of "Sweeney Todd" now. Then 9:30 to 10:00, I'm gonna finalize the layout. 10:00 to 11:00 copy editing. 11:00 to 12:30...

RORY

Let me see that... Paris, there's like 100 hours of work on this and 5 hours till the paper comes out.

PARIS

I'll get it done.

RORY

You better get bitten by that radioactive spider pretty damn fast here.

PARIS

I'll get it done, I just have to focus and just have to stop allowing myself to be distracted.

RORY

Paris!

PARIS

[Yells] Don't distract me! [Puts on ear muffs, Rory leaves the “bunker”]

RORY

Okay, everyone, listen up. We have work to do. You, t-shirt, you're doing layout. And, you, saggy pants, get all the heelers' numbers, call them and tell them to get in here, they've just been promoted. And Tally I need Sheila and Joni's numbers A.S.A.P. Come on, people! Move! We've got a paper to get out! [Everyone starts to get busy]

LORELAI

AND LUKE'S HOUSE

SOOKIE

I just think that if Michel had somebody to come home to, he might go home.

LORELAI

Oh, he's been driving me crazy about turning the stable into a spa.

SOOKIE

What would we do with the horses?

LORELAI

Well, we'd work them in. We'd have the first hot-hoof massage on the east coast.

SOOKIE

'Cause they've already got them in California.

LORELAI

Yeah [giggling] Hi, Paul Anka. You haven't done anything weird yet today, I see. Do you remember Sookie?

SOOKIE

Hi, Paul Anka. You're gonna come spend the night with me. Are you sure this is okay?

LORELAI

Yeah It's fine.

SOOKIE

We think a dog would be good for Davey, he love him. I just want to make sure that Jackson and I are dog people first.

LORELAI

Aw, you are.

SOOKIE

Hmm, I mean, I know babies, but dogs...

LORELAI

Are just furry babies. Here keep him occupied for a second.

SOOKIE

Ooo, Hi, Paul Anka. You want to come have a sleepover at my house, huh? [to Lorelai] What are you doing?

LORELAI

Uh, he freaks out if he sees his leash. You have to make sure you hide it from him, make sure he doesn't see you putting it on him.

SOOKIE

How is he once he's on the leash?

LORELAI

Oh he's totally fine having his freedom slowly stripped away as long as he's completely unaware that it's happening, just like a true American. It's all yours. [Hands Sookie the leash]

SOOKIE

Thanks Come on, Paul Anka. Come on we're gonna have fun tonight. Yes we are. [they both giggle]

LUKE

I hope you had a good day with Rory. I would have called you earlier, but I didn't want to interrupt the fun, so I thought I'd try you at home, but you're not at home. Anyhow, April is coming to the diner tonight from 5:00 to 8:00, so I'll see you here after 8:00. Okay, bye.

LORELAI

[snorts] Hum...

SOOKIE

After 8:00?

LORELAI

Yeah, that's what he said.

SOOKIE

I guess you two decided that you're not gonna see the kid.

LORELAI

Yeah, I guess we did. [sounding a little annoyed]

SOOKIE

Hey, if we get a dog, we're gonna name it Chef. Get it? 'Cause I'm a cook.

LORELAI

Oh, cool.

SOOKIE

You want me to leave Paul Anka?

LORELAI

No, take him. I'm great.

SOOKIE

You are?

LORELAI

Yeah, I think that's what we decided. [rolls her eyes]

SOOKIE

[to Paul Anka] Come on. Come on.

LORELAI

Bye, hon.

KIRK

One sample per person, people, one sample only. Don't make me use the candy thermometer on you.

RUTHIE

[To Lorelai] Hey. There's a line.

LORELAI

Oh, I'm sorry. I was just...

RUTHIE

I know what you were doing.

LORELAI

I wasn't to do anything...

MAN

You're trying to shove in for the free chocolate.

LORELAI

I wasn't trying, [surprised] free chocolate, really?

KIRK

European hot chocolate. It's like mud but chocolaty.

RUTHIE

And you were trying to shove in the line...

BABETTE

Oh, can it, Ruthie. When your foot's not in your mouth, you don't know what to do with yourself. Come on sugar. [guides Lorelai to the counter]

LORELAI

Oh but there's a...

BABETTE

Two, Kirk.

KIRK

You'll have to wait in line...

BABETTE

[takes two from Kirk] Here, doll. Cheers.

LORELAI

Cheers.

BABETTE

Oh, patty, did I tell you about Tilly's new face-lift? Scotch tape. [Patty laughs]

KIRK

Next... here you go... one for you... piping hot chocolate get it's hot.

BABETTE

What are we looking at?

LORELAI

Oh I don't...

MISS PATTY

Oh, I know what we're looking at. We're looking at Luke and his daughter.

LORELAI

How did you know that?

BABETTE

That was page-one news around here for a week. So, what's the scoop?

LORELAI

Oh well, I don't know.

MISS PATTY

All we know is that she's 12 years old and that she's seeking him out.

BABETTE

I heard her mother was that Nardini girl. Remember her,

MISS PATTY

Oh, yeah. She was beautiful.

BABETTE

What's she look like now?

LORELAI

I don't know.

MISS PATTY

You don't?

LORELAI

Well I haven't really meet...

BABETTE

Luke was pretty serious about her. He tell you about them?

LORELAI

No, but I don't tell him about my boyfriends either.

MISS PATTY

Well, no, because he's met all of them already.

LORELAI

He hasn't met all of them, some.

BABETTE

Most.

MISS PATTY

Well, what's the kid like?

BABETTE

Yeah. You get along?

LORELAI

Oh, well, we will.

MISS PATTY

You mean you don't know?

BABETTE

[too Miss Patty] That's to be expected.

MISS PATTY

She looks like a reader. Is she a reader?

BABETTE

Can you imagine Luke with a reader?

MISS PATTY

Oh, I can't imagine Luke with a daughter.

BABETTE

Can you imagine Luke with a kid?

MISS PATTY

Oh, my god, I can't believe that. Luke has a kid. Can you believe Luke has a kid?

LORELAI

He's not a 100-year-old eunuch or anything.

RUTHIE

There's other people here who would like a table.

BABETTE

We're busy. Go lick the empties.

RUTHIE

Busy doing what?

LORELAI

Nothing, nothing.

MISS PATTY

We're looking at Luke's kid.

LORELAI

Patty!

MISS PATTY

Well, honey, everyone knows.

RUTHIE

That's her?

LADY

Luke's kid?

MISS PATTY

Up at the counter.

BABETTE

Lorelai was just about to give us the inside scoop.

LORELAI

I was not about to give you the...

MISS PATTY

So, do they want money?

LORELAI

I don't think so...

MISS PATTY

Do you think that Luke's gonna get a lawyer, does he want custody?

LORELAI

I don't know he could...

RUTHIE

Are you sure that's his kid? She's reading.

KIRK

You're clogging up the flow here.

MISS PATTY

We're looking at Luke's kid.

KIRK

So that's Luke's kid. Well, well, well, what is she reading, a book?

LORELAI

Would you excuse me, I just have to, pardon me. Yeah.

RORY

Okay. No, yes, done, go. And triple-check the changes. Make sure it makes sense. [To Joni] How are we doing?

JONI

I have a very strong opinion that I have no opinion on the opinion piece.

RORY

And the subject is?

JONI

Hand blowers in the bathrooms.

RORY

And the Pulitzer prize goes to? Just make sure it's done in 20 minutes.

SHEILA

Printer's on the phone. We're losing our spot.

RORY

Hello? Who am I speaking to? Hello, Russell. This is Rory Gilmore. What's this I hear about us losing our spot?... Yes... Well, we had an epidemic hit our staff this week, and, unfortunately, it has put us a bit behind. However, we are quickly getting back on track, and maybe, considering the circumstances, you could cut us a little slack, give us a bit of an extension... I know, but we've never asked for it before, and we will never ask for it again... By the way, you sound like a very handsome man, Russell... Yes, I'm using my wiles and everything else I can to get you to... one hour. I'll take it. Thank you, Russell. You have a slightly inappropriate Christmas card coming your way this year. [To the news room] We have a one-hour extension! [Sighs] That one and use them both if we need to fill space.

BILL

Hey, I was cat's-cradling!

RORY

Bill, get your ass out of that chair and work or get your ass out of that chair and leave. Either way, get your ass out of that chair.

BILL

I am not interested in helping Paris do anything.

RORY

You wouldn't be helping Paris. You would be helping me.

BILL

Fine, but if Punxsutawney Phil sticks her head out of her hole, I am out of here.

RORY

Interested in some desking?

BILL

I'm on it.

MAN

Computer crashed again.

RORY

Unplug it and plug it back in. If that doesn't work, call I.T. And get someone over here now. [To Logan] Oh, my god. Our date. I'm so sorry. Paris melted down and everyone quit and the paper wasn't gonna come out, and I only found out about it because no one called me to confirm they got my story, so I called in all the heelers, and I got Sheila and Joni to come in, and I called Pete, who said he was sick, but I threatened his job, so he came in, but he was really sick, so I just sent him home so he did get everyone else sick. Plus, the printers are trying to give our time away, the computers keep crashing, and then there's the tiny little detail of nothing's done. And d-day, the paper came out, and I forgot. I'm sorry.

LOGAN

I can't believe you didn't call me.

RORY

I know, but it's just paper stuff.

LOGAN

I know. I'm on the paper.

RORY

You hate it here.

LOGAN

I know this crap backwards and forwards. I can't believe you didn't even think to call me.

RORY

Well, I'm sorry. I just didn't think you were interested.

LOGAN

Well then I guess you don't know everything, now, do you? So come on what have you got here?

RORY

Well, this is an article on Greenspan. He gave an interview with all this technical economic jargon.

LOGAN

I know the jargon. [Looking at other papers] Are these proofed?

RORY

Yeah, but they're not typed in yet.

LOGAN

I'll do that I'll be faster I type 90 words a minute.

RORY

You do?

LOGAN

You really did only like me for my looks, huh? How you doing on content?

RORY

Uh, still a little short.

LOGAN

Okay, I got a couple stories banked that I didn't give Paris. There in pretty decent shape you can take a look at them.

RORY

Okay.

LOGAN

And just remember, if you still need material, cannibalize everything you have ready for Friday's issue.

RORY

Robbing Peter to pay Paul.

LOGAN

Peter's asking for it. Okay so, who do you have desking?

RORY

Bill.

LOGAN

I'd throw Sheila on there with him. It will hurt his ego and make him work faster. Okay I'll be over here if you need me and [Too Bill] get that yo-yo off the floor. Somebody's gonna break their neck. [Logan walks away and Rory looks pleased]

LORELAI

AND LUKE'S HOUSE

LUKE

I mean, can you believe she reads? I have a kid who reads. Crazy! She sat there for hours doing her homework, geometry. That's some crazy stuff. I actually bought a book, "geometry for dummies." I stash it in the kitchen and run back there every time she asks me a question, thinking I can keep up with her but I can't figure out what the hell it says. I mean, it's just this mess of weird symbols and shapes and, I wonder if there's another book I could get.

LORELAI

Um, "'geometry for dummies' for dummies"?

LUKE

Yes, exactly.

LORELAI

Luke, she has teachers. And all you have to do is nod and smile. That's what I did with Rory.

LUKE

I just want her to, you know, [sighs] not be embarrassed I'm her dad.

LORELAI

Impossible.

LUKE

Well, step by step you know, first step, making sure she's comfortable around me.

LORELAI

She sure seems to be, I mean, you know, 'cause she's coming here and hanging out at the diner. She wouldn't do that if she was uncomfortable.

LUKE

Yeah, well, she's gonna be with this village of idiots I live in. Do you know tonight, she comes to the diner, right? She's sitting at the counter, doing her homework there. I look over at the Soda Shoppe, and the whole damn town is staring through the window at us.

LORELAI

No!

LUKE

Oh yeah like we're monkeys in a zoo. I could have killed them all.

LORELAI

That's terrible what happened?

LUKE

Nothing she didn't notice anything. She was too busy studying. I just couldn't believe those people. I mean can't they get that this is a private thing, I'm trying to get to know my kid? I mean you understand, you're not all over me about this. You get that we need some alone time.

LORELAI

Oh, yeah, I do. I totally do.

LUKE

Thank you. [they kiss]

LORELAI

Sure. Any time.

RORY

Did we verify the dean of admissions quote?

LOGAN

Twice. How are we doing on time?

BILL

Uh, bad.

LOGAN

More specifically?

JONI

10 minutes.

RORY

We'll make it.

LOGAN

We will make it. Spelling on name, it's Cheevers' name?

JONI

c-h-e-e-v-e-r-s.

LOGAN

You're sure about the double e's?

JONI

Not at all.

LOGAN

Two e's it is. Okay. And I'm done.

RORY

Close out. I'll cut and paste it to the final copy.

LOGAN

Closing out. Wow! So, that's what hard work feels like. Apparently I've been avoiding it for a reason. You in Ace.

RORY

I'm in. Proceeding with the cut and paste now.

BILL

[Telephone rings, Bill rushed for it] The daily news.

LOGAN

Aw, man.

RORY

Why are you smiling?

LOGAN

I'm thinking about the hundreds of different ways you owe me for this.

RORY

I owe you nothing. You did this for the greater good. For the glory of the paper.

LOGAN

For a foot massage.

A.K.

Are we close?

RORY

Very, very close.

BILL

Well, kids, hold on to your hats. We are losing our printing time.

RORY

No! Remind Russell about the Christmas card.

BILL

I don't think he cares. He's giving it to the Cart.

RORY

No, he can't!

BILL

He did.

RORY

Ohh! So, that's it? We just lose? After all this work, we just lose?

LOGAN

Keep typing, ace.

RORY

Why? What's the point?

LOGAN

Type!

BILL

Well, I guess you'll be talking on the phone now.

LOGAN

Go away, Bill. Hey... Hay, who am I speaking with? Russell, I'm Logan Huntzberger... Yes, those Huntzbergers... It's great to speak with you, too. I hear there's a problem with our printing time? Uh-huh. No, I completely understand. The first thing I learned from my father is that there's no paper unless it gets to the printer on time. Yes he is quite a legend, my father. I'd love to introduce you to him sometime. Anyway, Russell, the thing is we actually sent the issue to you already... Oh... Yes, at least 15 minutes ago. Now, if you're having a problem with your server, we shouldn't be penalized for that, right? Yeah, it should be in the system right now. Sure. Go check... But before you do, if you could spell your name for me, I want to have the correct pronunciation when I speak with my father. Uh-huh, Russell. Damn! My pen broke. Hold on. [people start looking for a pen, but Logan doesn't really want one] I'm looking for a pen. I'm looking for a pen. Looking for a pen.

RORY

Almost there.

LOGAN

Okay. I found a pen. Here we go. What's your name? "Russell Smith." Okay I didn't really need a pen for that one, now, did I? Okay, Russell Smith, if you go to your computer, [speaking slowly] I am definitely, absolutely sure that you will turn it on and you will see that we, The Yale Daily News, have successfully completed our mission and sent to you our e-mail containing the latest issue of the [back to normal speed] it's all there, man. [Sighs]

RORY

What, what's happening?

LOGAN

You got it? All right, great. It's been great speaking with you, too. I'll tell my father, bye. [hangs up the phone] And that's how we do it at the day news. [Cheers]

PARIS

[coming out of hiding] All right! We got the paper out! That's what I'm talking about, people! Good hustle! Really good hustle! And they said we couldn't do it, huh? Boy, what a rush, right?!

RORY

So, I'm just saying that when that giant asteroid heads toward earth, I want you in that fighter jet.

LOGAN

Thanks for the vote of confidence.

RORY

You saved my ass.

LOGAN

Infinitely worth saving.

RORY

Thank you.

LOGAN

You're welcome. [They kiss]

RORY

I'm sorry we didn't get our dinner.

LOGAN

We didn't... Huh. [pulls a paper bag from his desk] I thought that we did. [sets up some drinks and candle, helps Rory sit and hands her some food.]

RORY

Boy, when you're on...

LORELAI

[Telling a story] Once upon a time, there was a big house with thick glass windows and heavy stone walls and a slightly pornographic fountain in the driveway. And all the animals in the forest were scared of the house 'cause they thought that the house was haunted, and so did all the villagers in the small hamlet of Hartfordshireville. "Maids go in, but they never come out," they would whisper on the street. [To Rory] How are we doing?

RORY

Keep going.

LORELAI

One day, a beautiful, young Cowherderess walked by the house.

RORY

Cowherderess?

LORELAI

Hey, we could just go in, you know?

RORY

Cowherderess is walking by.

LORELAI

And suddenly she felt the unbearable need for a strand of pearls and a snifter of 100-year-old scotch. So, abandoning her cows, she climbed over the high walls and dropped onto the just-redone tiled walkway and rushed toward the enchanted French doors that the queen had never been happy with because the hardware was not what she had picked, and she refused to pay that idiot designer that she hired off of a recommendation, and [To Rory again] okay, seriously, this didn't work when you were 4. I am not sure why you thought it would do any good now. [Sighs] It's gonna be fine.

RORY

I know.

LORELAI

Come on, my little Cowherderess. Do you want to press the bell, or should I? [Rory presses the door bell.]

LORELAI

Hi.

MAID

Hello. Come in.

LORELAI

Oh, thank you. See? We've been invited in. Such a great start, don't you think?

RORY

[quietly] Huh.

MAID

May I take your coats?

LORELAI

Oh, yes, thank you.

MAID

Mr. Gilmore is in the living room.

LORELAI

Hi. [Chuckles] Hey, dad.

RORY

Hi, grandpa.

RICHARD

Hello, Lorelai. Rory, how nice to see you.

LORELAI

Yeah, you too.

RICHARD

Would you like a drink?

LORELAI

Yeah, that would be great. [Richard goes back to reading]

LORELAI

[A pause] ...I can get it.

RICHARD

Just wanted to finish the sentence. Excellent book, shame to put it down. I hope martinis will be fine.

LORELAI

Ooh, better than fine.

RICHARD

Will Rory be having a martini?

LORELAI

Yes, she will.

RORY

A really small one.

LORELAI

Oh, something smells really good, doesn't it, Rory?

RORY

It does. It smells really good.

EMILY

[Enters from ratio] Oh. You're here.

LORELAI

Oh, mom. Where'd you come from?

RORY

Hi, grandma.

EMILY

Hello, Rory. Are you getting them a drink, Richard?

RICHARD

Yes, I am, Emily.

LORELAI

Something smells really good, mom.

EMILY

Oh, good. Well, enjoy your drinks. They're doing a showing for my art class at the D.A.R., And I'm doing a moonscape. I'm just finishing it up out on the patio.

LORELAI

You're painting?

EMILY

I am.

LORELAI

Right now?

EMILY

Well, you never know when inspiration's going to hit. You know, I'm actually getting pretty good. I think I have a shot at a medal. Excuse me.

RICHARD

Two martinis.

LORELAI

Oh, thank you, dad.

RORY

Boy, that's a serious martini.

RICHARD

Drink what you like. Leave the rest... So, what's new?

LORELAI

Oh, um, well, not too much. Um, things at the inn are going well. Business, you know. Um, we're booked up through...

RICHARD

My martini's not cold enough. How's yours?

LORELAI

Mine's fine.

RICHARD

I'm gonna get new ice. I'll make another batch. [Leaves the room]

RORY

Grandma's outside painting moonscapes.

LORELAI

Well, she thinks she can get a medal.

RORY

I thought you said she wanted me to come.

LORELAI

She did.

RORY

Mom, she is sitting outside in the 40-degree weather painting moonscapes so she doesn't have to be inside with me.

LORELAI

That is not the reason.

RORY

Did she or did she not say she wanted us to come over for dinner?

LORELAI

She did not say it, but I know deep down she does.

RORY

But you lied to me.

RICHARD

[returning] New ice. I can re-shake yours if you like.

LORELAI

Hey, dad, is something wrong?

RICHARD

Wrong?

LORELAI

Yeah, you're very picky about your ice, and mom's painting.

RICHARD

There's nothing wrong, Lorelai.

LORELAI

Is mom still mad?

RICHARD

Mad at whom?

RORY

Mad at me?

RICHARD

Anger is a useless emotion Rory, It's a waste of time. Your mother has a shot at a medal. That's all that's going on around here.

LORELAI

Okay, right. [Goes to the patio door] Mom, could you come in here just for a sec? I'd like to ask you something.

EMILY

Well... all right.

LORELAI

Can you sit down for a minute?

EMILY

Let me go change first.

LORELAI

Sit down first.

EMILY

I can't sit down in my painting clothes.

LORELAI

Why are they painted on?

EMILY

I'll go upstairs and shower and change.

LORELAI

[Angry] Mom!

RICHARD

This ice has a funny taste to it, I'm gonna get some more.

LORELAI

Now, come on, you two. Can we please just talk about this?

EMILY

Talk about what.

LORELAI

You're obviously upset about Christopher paying for Yale and I get it. We should have told you earlier, but let me just explain how it happened.

RORY

No. It's my responsibility. Let me explain.

EMILY

I don't think anyone needs to explain anything except why I'm not being allowed to clean myself.

RORY

He came to me, and he asked if he could do anything and...

RICHARD

this really isn't necessary.

RORY

I let him pay for Yale. He's my father.

EMILY

[Laughs]

LORELAI

You know something I don't, mom?

EMILY

How convenient that he's her father now.

RICHARD

Perhaps your father can reimburse me for the five cases of scotch I had to send the men in the bursar's office.

RORY

I sure he would be happy to.

EMILY

You know what else I find amusing?

LORELAI

"Reno 911!"?

EMILY

I find it very amusing that Christopher is suddenly such a wonderful person.

LORELAI

Mom!

EMILY

It seams to me when I was in cahoots with him, everyone thought that I was a villain, and now suddenly you're in cahoots with him, and that's perfectly fine.

LORELAI

Please don't say "cahoots" anymore. It's disturbing.

EMILY

You're being hypocritical, don't you think?

LORELAI

No I don't, you were trying to break Luke and me up, and I'm trying to put Rory through college.

RICHARD

Rory was already being put through college by us.

EMILY

That's right.

RORY

I didn't want you to pay for it anymore.

EMILY

There, there it is.

RICHARD

So you went to Christopher.

RORY

He came to me.

EMILY

Oh, please. You just wanted to hurt us.

RORY

By taking money from my father?

RICHARD

Yes, exactly!

EMILY

I've had enough of this. I'm going back out to touch up my moonscape.

RICHARD

I have some work to do.

RORY

Fine I have to go anyhow.

LORELAI

Hey!... This is not gonna happen. You're not going back out to your moonscape, you're not going back to work, and you're not going home. Now, we all agreed to have Friday night dinner, and we're here, and I smell dinner, and, yes, apparently there are some issues to be worked out, but no one, and I mean no one, is leaving here until we do!

RORY

Things were out of control.

EMILY

Not the point, simply not the...

RORY

It is completely the...

RICHARD

Rory, do not cut your grandmother off.

RORY

I'm just saying...

EMILY

You come running to us, begging us to take you in because you can't possibly deal with your mother.

RORY

That's not what happened.

EMILY

We take you in we pay to redecorate the pool house so you can have a place all your own.

RORY

I did not ask you to do that.

EMILY

You accepted it you did not turn it down. I didn't hear you saying, "grandma, stop." I didn't see you throw yourself at the decorators while they were putting up your very expensive wallpaper! And then when you don't like how things are going, you leave!

RICHARD

With no notice, by the way, and you leave two strange boys in our house unsupervised.

EMILY

We're missing two picture frames, by the way.

RORY

Colin and Finn did not steal your pictures!

RICHARD

[yelling] Do not raise your voice to your grandmother!

EMILY

I never realized how spoiled you were, Rory, but I guess that's to be expected. Only children are always spoiled.

RORY

I'm sorry I didn't leave a note.

EMILY

My, that sounds heartfelt. Doesn't that sound heartfelt, Richard?

RICHARD

Well I've never been more touched in all my life.

RORY

I apologize. You don't believe it. I try to defend myself, and you don't want to hear it. So, apparently, there's nothing I can do here.

EMILY

Oh, there's plenty you can do.

RORY

What? What can I do?

EMILY

Well first of all you can admit what you've done. You can apologize!

RORY

I was just trying to apologize!

LORELAI

Cut her some slack, mom! Rory was going through something terrible!

EMILY

Life is full of terrible things, Lorelai.

LORELAI

She was emotional when you're emotional, you don't think clearly. I remember a woman who tried to buy a plane when her granddaughter moved out.

EMILY

I tried to time-share a plane. It is in no way even close to the same thing.

LORELAI

[The maid comes in] I've never been so happy to see a salad in my entire life.

LORELAI

Ugh! I can't believe what I'm hearing!

EMILY

If we'd known the extent of the issue, we might not have taken Rory in.

LORELAI

I tried to tell you!

EMILY

You did not!

LORELAI

I came here and I told you exactly what happened with Mitchum, and you didn't want to hear it.

RICHARD

I don't remember that!

EMILY

I don't either!

LORELAI

[reenacting the scene, Lorelai is quite worked up] "The Huntzbergers told her she wasn't good enough, and Mitchum told her she didn't have it." "He what?!" "Yes, and now she's dropped out of Yale, but the three of us can knock some sense into her." "Of course we'll help you. This is not happening." "I'll call Charlie Davenport tomorrow." "Thank you, guys, so much. Just thank you." End scene! [Hits the table]

LORELAI

This is really good sorbet.

EMILY

I know isn't it? Theresa made it herself.

RORY

Mango?

EMILY

Passion fruit.

LORELAI

Delicious.

RICHARD

It certainly is.

RICHARD

What are you thinking, buying an airplane?!

EMILY

I didn't buy it. I looked at it!

RICHARD

Well, what were you doing looking at a plane?!

EMILY

I can look at a plane if I want to look at a plane!

EMILY

So I lead her over to the good table, smiling like we are the best friends in the world, and I tell her, "Shira, you don't think Rory "is good enough to be in your family? "She is. We are just as good as you are. "After all, you are nothing but a two-bit gold digger, and how you managed to bag Mitchum I will never know."

LORELAI

You did not.

RICHARD

Oh, yes, she did.

EMILY

I told her Mitchum still plays around.

LORELAI

[gasps]

RICHARD

Oh, no no no. Tell her exactly what you said.

EMILY

What did I say?

RICHARD

About her weight going... [jesters up and down]

EMILY

oh, yes, yes. I got it. I told her, "Mitchum still plays around, you know." Well, of course you know. "That's why your weight goes up and down 30 pounds every 3 months."

LORELAI

[excited] Oh my...

RICHARD

Ruthless woman! [Laughs]

LORELAI

I bow to the foot of the master.

EMILY

I only wished I'd remembered to call her a cocktail waitress.

LORELAI

Ooow. That's my mother's version of the "c" word.

RORY

I don't want to quit the D.A.R.

EMILY

Well, too late.

RORY

I was accepted and certified grandma. You can't just kick me out.

EMILY

I can to.

RORY

I know the rules backwards and forward, and I have done nothing to lose my status except argue with you, plus I'm in contact with more members than you are.

EMILY

That is not true.

RORY

And I like more of the members than you do.

EMILY

That is not true.

RORY

I talk to Tweenie Halpern all the time.

EMILY

What are you doing talking to Tweenie Halpern?

RORY

I'm friends with Tweenie Halpern, I'm helping her daughter look at colleges. I'm gonna give her a tour of Yale.

EMILY

You have no right to talk to Tweenie Halpern or anyone else in the D.A.R. That is my organization. [she walks off]

RORY

I'm not quitting!

EMILY

Oh, yes, you are!

RICHARD

So, how's Luke?

LORELAI

He has a kid.

LORELAI

We were 16! We didn't want to get married!

EMILY

When you get pregnant, you get married! A child needs a mother and a father!

LORELAI

Oh, my god!

LORELAI

Well... I think we've officially reinstated Friday night dinner.