T6E14: “You’ve Been Gilmored”

LORELAI

The roses are amazing, mom.

EMILY

Thank you, Lorelai.

RORY

I like them, too, grandma.

EMILY

Thank you, Rory.

RICHARD

You are an expert flower arranger, Emily. Perhaps you missed your calling.

EMILY

Thank you, Richard.

LORELAI

Well done, everyone. Well done.

EMILY

Oh, stop it, Lorelai.

LORELAI

What, I'm just commenting on how nice and civil that moment was. Never mind. Go on, go on. [Smiling] That was so cute.

RORY

[After a moment] The roses are nice, grandma.

LORELAI

[A little annoyed] Already covered that. Move on.

RICHARD

So, Rory, how are things going at Yale?

RORY

They're fine.

EMILY

I didn't know we were allowed to talk about Yale.

LORELAI

Mom

RICHARD

Oh No. We're allowed to talk about it. We're just not allowed to pay for it.

LORELAI

Dad

EMILY

I wonder if we're allowed to visit it.

LORELAI

Okay, hold on.

RICHARD

Perhaps if we dress in disguise.

LORELAI

Guys!

EMILY

Plastic nose with glasses attached.

LORELAI

Hey, come on. We were doing so well there for a while. Then you had to start with the Yale.

EMILY

So we can't talk about Yale.

RICHARD

I should make a list. What else am I not allowed to discuss in my house?

LORELAI

No, of course you can talk about Yale. Yale is dad's alma mater, and Rory goes there, so we have to talk about it, okay? But maybe not now.

EMILY

Fine.

RICHARD

Fine with me.

LORELAI

Now, I know a lot of stuff has happened, but we all agreed we were gonna put all that behind us and just move on, okay? So let's take a step back and, uh, start again. And 5, 4, 3, 2... these roses are amazing, mom.

EMILY

Thank you, Lorelai.

LORELAI

That-a-girl.

RICHARD

Your mother has a way with flowers. Perhaps she missed her calling.

LORELAI

Okay Dad, we don't have to have exactly the same conversation we just had.

RICHARD

How am I supposed to know? You said the same thing you said.

LORELAI

I was getting the ball rolling.

RICHARD

Lorelai, this is my house. I should have some control over what goes on here [Raising his voice] at some point!

EMILY

You're raising your voice again, Richard.

RICHARD

I am not!

EMILY

You are, and you're raising your voice to me.

RICHARD

I'm not allowed to [Looking at Rory] raise it to the people who deserve it.

LORELAI

5, 4, 3, 2...

RICHARD

I love shrimp! Who else loves shrimp?!

RORY

Me!

LORELAI

I'm a fan!

RICHARD

This is ridiculous.

EMILY

Lorelai, how's Luke?

LORELAI

Hey, nice one, mom.

EMILY

Thank you. [Moment] Well?

LORELAI

What? Oh. Oh, he's fine.

EMILY

So you're still engaged.

LORELAI

Yes, we're still engaged.

EMILY

I was just asking. After all, I haven't gotten a "save the date" card yet. If you're engaged, I assume you're planning a wedding at some point, not that I've heard anything.

LORELAI

I will send you a "save the date" card, mom.

EMILY

For?

LORELAI

For?

EMILY

What date am I saving?

LORELAI

Dur, well if I tell you that now, then what fun will the card be?

EMILY

I mean, I assume I'm invited. I haven't heard. I haven't heard if I'm invited, if I'm in the wedding, if I need a dress. And now you won't tell me the date of this wedding that I may or may not be invited to.

LORELAI

June 3rd!

EMILY

June 3rd?

LORELAI

Yes, June 3rd, okay?

EMILY

Are we here June 3rd?

RICHARD

I believe we are.

EMILY

All right. June 3rd. That's very soon.

LORELAI

Yeah.

EMILY

Is there any specific reason so soon?

LORELAI

Oh, boy.

EMILY

June 3rd. June 3rd? Richard, June 3rd.

RICHARD

Yes, June 3rd.

EMILY

Well, it's just so soon. I mean, we haven't even seen Luke since... Richard, when was the last time we saw Luke?

RICHARD

It's been a while.

EMILY

A long while. Well, you must bring him to dinner Friday.

LORELAI

What?

EMILY

The next time we see him certainly cannot be as you're walking down the aisle.

LORELAI

Well, there's time before...

EMILY

No, there's not. Your father goes out of town every other week from now until the end of may, I have functions every weekend, two charity balls, the zoo auction, the Hartford beautification project. Your father and I bought a stretch of the highway.

RICHARD

Exit 36 through 38.

EMILY

So there's literally no time left. It has to be Friday.

RICHARD

Friday it is.

LORELAI

I don't know if Luke is available Friday.

EMILY

Well tell him he has to be. This is family.

LORELAI

Yeah, but...

EMILY

He would say no to having dinner with his future mother and father-in-law? Is this really the kind of man you want in your life? Is this really the kind of man you want to be Rory's stepfather?

RORY

Yeah, think of the kids.

LORELAI

Luke is not saying no.

EMILY

You are?

LORELAI

No, I'm not saying no, either.

EMILY

So no one's saying no.

LORELAI

Right.

EMILY

So you're saying yes.

LORELAI

Yes.

EMILY

Good. I'll pick up some "save the date" cards tomorrow. Do you want a color? Because I think white is the best choice.

RORY

5, 4, 3, 2...

LORELAI

Hey, have you noticed that anything in a red-wine reduction sauce leaves you hungry 20 minutes later?

RORY

[OS] Especially if you don't eat it.

LORELAI

Did my parents eat exceptionally slowly tonight?

RORY

[OS] Yes.

LORELAI

They did. My mother started on the white-meat portion of her game hen at 8:15 and did not hit the drumstick till 10 O’ nine.

RORY

[OS] Actually 9:15.

LORELAI

You've been in there an hour. What are you doing?

RORY

[OS] Facial exercises. The younger I look, the younger you look.

LORELAI

Oh, good point. Hey, do we want the apple turnovers or the cherry?

RORY

[OS] Yes. [Moment] Hey, question, where did June 3rd come from?

LORELAI

What?

RORY

[OS] I thought there was no June 3rd.

LORELAI

No, there's a June 3rd. Just because we don't get married on a date doesn't make it cease to exist.

RORY

[OS] You know what I mean.

LORELAI

I was on the spot. I just didn't want to go through the whole "the wedding was postponed" explanation.

RORY

[OS] Why not?

LORELAI

Because that would lead to the "what happened?" Conversation, which would lead to the "I told you so" conversation and the "what is wrong with you that you can't close the deal?" Conversation, which would lead to the "why is Lorelai slamming her head against the wall?" Conversation. So I just said June 3rd. It could still happen, and if it doesn't, I'll blow up that bridge when we come to it.

RORY

I get it.

LORELAI

Thank you. Those new sweats?

RORY

Yep, just came out.

LORELAI

Did you get some for mommy?

RORY

You want some Yale sweats?

LORELAI

No, no, not me, your other mommy, the one who raised you and fed you and stayed up with you when you had the measles.

RORY

I already put them in your room.

LORELAI

Excellent! [Handing Rory a pop-tart] To cleanse your palate.

RORY

Thank you.

LORELAI

Let's go.

LORELAI

Hey, you know who also might like a sweatshirt?

RORY

They don't make them for dogs. I already asked.

LORELAI

I did not mean Paul Anka. He's a Princeton man, anyhow.

RORY

Nice loyalty.

LORELAI

I think Christopher might like one.

RORY

Dad? Really?

LORELAI

Yeah, he's paying your tuition now. It might be a nice gesture.

RORY

Yeah, sure, I could do that.

LORELAI

Cool. "Solaris"?

RORY

No, not again.

LORELAI

I'm telling you, there's a story in there somewhere.

RORY

Yeah, the story is you calling yourself Mrs. Clooney for 2 1/2 hours.

LORELAI

Have you heard from him lately?

RORY

George? Yes, last night. The Oscar buzz is really getting to him.

LORELAI

I'm talking about your dad.

RORY

No.

LORELAI

Huh.

RORY

What?

LORELAI

Nothing. He's just been very quiet lately.

RORY

So?

LORELAI

So it's weird. Pops up and then disappears again, that's never good.

RORY

Unless he's a groundhog. Maybe dad's a groundhog.

LORELAI

I wonder what he's up to.

RORY

Maybe he's just busy with work.

LORELAI

No, I don't buy it.

RORY

Well maybe he's just doing what he promised he would do.

LORELAI

What's that?

RORY

He's putting up the money and staying out of everything else.

LORELAI

Hmm. Well, that was the agreement, wasn't it?

RORY

Yes, it was.

LORELAI

Huh. Maybe he is just doing what we agreed to. So un-Christopher of him.

RORY

People change, and then they get a nice sweatshirt as a treat.

LORELAI

Good for him.

RORY

Yep. Hey, "Bullets over Broadway."

LORELAI

"Don't speak."

RORY

If only.

LORELAI

[Gasps] Hey, you like me. Remember that.

RORY

Hmm.

LORELAI

Why don't you invite him to Yale for lunch, show him around the campus, make him feel daddy-ish?

RORY

You think he'd like that?

LORELAI

I think he'd love that.

RORY

Okay. I'll call him tomorrow.

LORELAI

Just don't take him to the library.

RORY

Mom.

LORELAI

Don't show him all your classes. Don't make him touch the toe.

RORY

This is my tour.

LORELAI

I'm just saying, if he passes out from boredom, he's gonna be a lot harder to drag around campus than I was.

RORY

Seriously, don't speak.

SHEILA

This is getting ridiculous.

BILL

Well I’m completely out of ideas.

SHEILA

How about we call her cell phone and make up some kind of emergency? Would that work?

RORY

Okay, hit me with it.

AK

Big shock, it's about Paris.

RORY

What did she do now?

BILL

Nothing, it's what's been done to her.

JONI

The Howell Raines-ing is complete.

RORY

She's out?

BILL

The board has spoken.

JONI

More like screamed.

RORY

Oh, boy. How did she take it?

SHEILA

She hasn't.

JONI

She won't come out of her bunker.

AK

She's been in there for hours.

BILL

Even Hitler came out every once in a while to walk his dog.

JONI

I interrupted her highness while she was on the phone and got a 5,000-word lecture on Robert's rules of order.

RORY

Well, she's got to be told.

AK

Then she's got to come out.

JONI

Tear gas! Where can we find tear gas?

SHEILA

Or we could set off the fire alarm.

RORY

Stand down, everyone. I'll tell her.

BILL

Really?

RORY

It's probably better that the person delivering the news doesn't chuckle with glee while doing it, Bill.

BILL

[Chuckling] I would not chuckle while doing it. Oh, my god, that was completely inadvertent.

RORY

All right, I'm going in.

PARIS

I know, Mr. Weisner. It was a complete screw-up. Here's what happened, your ad ran with the phone number of the beauty-supply-store ad from the next page. That's why you're getting calls about hair gel and moisturizers. Anyway, I really want you to rest easy, and I hope this does not interfere with any financial contributions that you've been generous enough to promise. All right? Thank you. Bye. [Hangs up phone] This job is 24/7.

RORY

Yeah.

PARIS

It's not enough to put out a daily paper with outstanding quality, without having to dodge complaints from uppity alumni calling over every little mistake. Weisner threatened to withhold money he had already pledged for the new computers because his ad was messed up. I mean can he even do that?

RORY

I don't know.

PARIS

[Moving to a hot plate] Do you want some soup? I was just heating up some soup.

RORY

There's no ventilation in here.

PARIS

I'm careful.

RORY

Right. Uh, well, no, thank you. I just came in here to... I was just thinking...

PARIS

yeah?

RORY

[Sighs] Five-plus years?

PARIS

Hmm.

RORY

That we've known each other, that we've been friends. Five-plus.

PARIS

That long? Wow.

RORY

Feels like forever ago to me, Chilton, the day we met, just a couple of rosy-cheeked kids.

PARIS

My face inflamed easily back then, too many tomatoes and red peppers.

RORY

Got off to kind of a rocky start. We were competitors.

PARIS

I get that from my mother. She's part Viking.

RORY

But eventually we became pals, good pals, because we respected each other and supported each other in good times and bad.

PARIS

Did I open this can today or yesterday?

RORY

This is a not-so-good time, Paris.

PARIS

I know. If the hurricanes don't kill us, the bird flu will.

RORY

I mean for you, here, at the paper. [Paris looks at Rory] The board voted you out.

PARIS

Oh...I see. [Moves away from the hotplate and soup] So it's over.

RORY

I'm sorry. I just found out. I'm so sorry.

PARIS

Well, it's not like I didn't have a clue that that was a possibility.

RORY

It has been pretty tense around here.

PARIS

So, are they all out there excitedly awaiting my perp walk?

RORY

Oh, who cares? Who cares about them? You don't perp walk. You're Paris Geller. You walk tall. You're better than all of them.

PARIS

Really?

RORY

Definitely. And this job, Paris, being editor, you don't need this, this hassle. You're gonna be a doctor.

PARIS

Surgeon.

RORY

And a lawyer.

PARIS

Judge.

RORY

That's a hell of a workload. And the workload here, the indignities, smoothing the ruffled feathers of advertisers, covering sports as if they matter, you're exhausted, Paris, stretched thin, eating soup out of a can.

PARIS

Soup I don't even like.

RORY

This might not be such a bad thing, leaving this job, huh?

PARIS

I am pretty tired.

RORY

You even look a little relieved.

PARIS

And I'll be damned if I'm gonna give those people a perp walk.

RORY

Good. Good attitude.

PARIS

Let's get out of this spider hole and take care of this right now.

RORY

I am with you, friend. You better shut off the hot plate.

PARIS

Right.

PARIS

Everyone, I have a little announcement, so if you could gather around, please. We have an issue. You see, it has become increasingly apparent that I have become the story here at the Yale daily news and that I have overshadowed our journalistic efforts. Well, I don't want to be the story at my own newspaper, because then I'd be Judith Miller, and I'd have to wear my bangs too long and overdo my lipstick, and I don't want that. I want to remain me. So I am tendering my resignation as editor in chief effective immediately. In closing, I'd like to state that the Yale daily news has overcome numerous obstacles in its august history and that it will easily overcome this. My resignation will be a loss, but it will be a loss the daily news can survive, and it is a loss it must survive. Good night and good luck.

LUKE

[Sighs] I don't want to go.

LORELAI

Of course you don't.

LUKE

Your parents are not warm people.

LORELAI

They were extras in "March of the penguins."

LUKE

Maybe we could skip the drinks, have the dinner, and be done.

LORELAI

Skip the drinks! Luke, you don't skip the one activity that makes the rest of the evening miraculously tolerable. The drinks fortify us. The drinks give us strength. The drinks get us drunk.

LUKE

But they take forever, and then I got to sit there and talk to your dad about stocks and literature and watch it dawn on him for the umpteenth time that I don't know anything about stocks or literature. How many times can two people have the same awful conversation?

LORELAI

Just repeat after me, "this is really great scotch, Richard."

LUKE

And then, of course, there's your mother, who hates me.

LORELAI

All the more reason to get a little soused.

LUKE

We can drink in the car.

LORELAI

One of us has to drive.

LUKE

Fine, you drink in the car, I'll take five quick shots in their driveway.

LORELAI

Look, I want to get out of there as quickly as you do, but we have to think a little more pragmatically. So when the dessert comes, I will fake an attack of food poisoning, and then you rush me to the car.

LUKE

That's your solution?

LORELAI

Uh-huh, yes. Fake stomach pain is my specialty, that and getting my fiancé to agree to horrible things he hates.

LUKE

6 O’clock?

LORELAI

Wear something fetching.

MICHEL

What is Luke doing here?

LORELAI

Oh, he's making a few minor repairs around the inn.

MICHEL

What about the handyman?

LORELAI

Parker?

MICHEL

Yes. I thought we liked him.

LORELAI

We do, but Luke offered, and he has his own tool belt, and the price was right.

MICHEL

Oh, really? No charge?

LORELAI

No, well, I did have to give him a coupon for 100 free snuggles.

MICHEL

How adorable.

LORELAI

Yeah, and to tell the truth, parker always kind of turned up his nose at my snuggle bucks.

MICHEL

So I guess this is how we're operating now.

LORELAI

How's that?

MICHEL

We've dispensed with hiring professionals around here. Maybe from now on, my cousin Gert can do our accounting. She's got her own calculator.

LORELAI

He's not performing open-heart surgery, Michel. He's just fixing a few things, for free, saving me a little money so I can do crazy things like pay people's salary and heat the place.

MICHEL

Well, he's not doing a very good job. That key rack is protruding way too far out. It's going to wreak havoc on my French cuffs every time I reach for a key.

LORELAI

Tell him how you like the hooks.

MICHEL

Oh, I'm supposed to just follow him around all day, correcting his every mistake? Absurd. We will sit down and make a detailed list of everything we need done, and he can consult that.

LORELAI

Luke does not need a list.

MICHEL

What do you mean? We always gave parker a list.

LORELAI

Luke's got a sixth sense about these things. He can spot a loose screw from across the room. He can sense when something needs to be fixed before it's even broken, it's spooky.

MICHEL

Well, I will do a quick walk-through with him, just to make sure his magical powers are working.

LORELAI

Michel, there's no need for that. You've got plenty to handle with all the guests, and Luke's got it covered.

LUKE

[Walking past] Left my sandpaper in the library.

MICHEL

It must be nice to have a man who isn't ashamed of his own natural body odor.

MAN 1

Come on.

BILL

I'm trying to be accurate.

JONI

There are no “hanging chads”, Bill. Give us the count.

BILL

Okay, we've got 16 votes for Casey, 18 for Andrew, and 9 for Cathy.

AK

I can't do this anymore!

MAN1

We're never going to get a majority!

SHEILA

Let's just not have an editor. We can run the paper by committee.

BILL

No one said this was going to be easy.

JONI

It's been three days of voting. That's not an election, that's a sentence.

RORY

Maybe we should take a break.

BILL

No. No breaks.

AK

This isn't est. We get to leave.

RORY

Well then maybe we should send out for coffee. Who wants coffee?

JONI

No way! I'm so wired, I'm jumping out of my skin!

SHEILA

We have three candidates and no consensus. We're never getting out of here.

MAN1

We need a new name.

RORY

I agree. We're not getting anywhere.

BILLY

How about Gilmore?

JONI

I like that name.

AK

I like that name.

RORY

Whoa, hey, I didn't mean my name.

SHELIA

I'd vote for Rory before I'd switch to Andrew. Sorry, Andrew.

BILL

And I'd vote for Rory before I'd switch to Cathy. Sorry, Cathy.

AK

And I'd vote for anybody over Casey because Casey's an idiot and he didn't even show up.

BILL

He's in the back.

AK

Sorry, Casey.

BILL

Got a statement, Gilmore?

RORY

No, um... I'd just like to say I'm flattered, and you're very kind. Um, I did miss that semester, so seniority's a question.

JONI

We're past taking seniority into account.

SHEILA

You totally bailed us out that night.

AK

The paper wouldn't have gone out if it weren't for you.

RORY

But...

BILL

What's your hesitation? Is it Paris?

RORY

No, I'm not hesitating because of Paris.

BILL

Then why are you hesitating?

RORY

I'm not. I accept the nomination.

SHEILA

Please tell me we don't have to debate this.

JONI

What's the debate? She's feeling pretty consensus-y to me.

BILL

All right. All those in favor of Rory Gilmore as editor, say aye.

BILL

Sounds consensus-y to me. Congratulations.

RORY

Thank you, everyone. I won't let you down.

BILL

This is part two of the financial-aid feature. We need your okay before going to layout.

RORY

Good. I loved part one, by the way.

BILL

Thanks.

SHELIA

A.P. Pieces. We may need more filler than usual today.

RORY

Good. Thanks, Sheila.

JONI

These should probably come first, photo approvals.

RORY

Thanks, Joni. And let Derek know that I'm gonna need some space in editorial. I want to write a little note from me to the readers.

JONI

[Salutes in fun] Will do.

RORY

[Starts to climb over stuff to get to the apartment door] Ow. [Starts to unlock the door but the keys don’t work] Paris! Doyle! Someone!

PARIS

[The door opens] You dare show your face?

RORY

What is my stuff doing out here?

PARIS

I'll prorate the utilities from the time of eviction, 3:47 P.M., The third day of February.

RORY

Eviction? Paris, why are you doing this?

PARIS

Don't you play dumb with me!

RORY

Unchain the door.

PARIS

This chain is here for your protection. Krav Maga, baby. When my enemies approach, I'm trained to pounce, it's reflex.

RORY

Paris, I'm not your enemy.

PARIS

Oh, really? Enemies move in silence and strike when their prey is weakest. Pretty much sums you up, doesn't it, editor Gilmore?

RORY

That was not my doing. That was the board's.

PARIS

As if you didn't lobby for it.

RORY

I didn't!

PARIS

That secret meeting weeks ago at the pub where you set the putsch in motion, what happened? There wasn't a beer hall available?

RORY

I did not set the poochin motion. I can't even spell "pooch."

PARIS

Nice spin. Take it to "k" street. [Shuts the door] I made you my number two, and it went to your head!

RORY

You can't just kick me out like this!

PARIS

There's a hallway full of crap that says otherwise!

RORY

But we're friends.

PARIS

[Opens the door, still chained] We're not friends.

RORY

I understand why you're upset, but just let me in so I can explain.

PARIS

[Mocking voice] "Gee, Paris, what a horrible job being editor is. "Who needs the headache? Remember Chilton, Paris? All those good times." Well, the good times are over! [Closes the door, Rory is still in shock, door re opens] Here, this is yours, too. [Throws a scarf at Rory through the chained door.]

MICHEL

[Upset] Luke, can we talk for a minute?

LUKE

[Calm] Yeah, what's up?

MICHEL

I noticed your truck,

LUKE

Yeah.

MICHEL

Your filthy green truck.

LUKE

Uh-huh

MICHEL

It's parked in guest parking.

LUKE

So?

MICHEL

So guest parking is for guests. Filthy-green-truck parking is around the back, on the dirt road, behind the shed.

LUKE

I'll be done in two minutes.

MICHEL

Wonderful. Now, about your hat.

LUKE

My hat?

MICHEL

I'd like you to remove it.

LUKE

What for?

MICHEL

You're indoors. Gentlemen don't wear hats indoors.

LUKE

It's okay. I'm not much of a gentleman.

MICHEL

Not if you persist in dressing like a "peanuts" character.

LUKE

I'm not taking off my hat.

MICHEL

Did you talk to a guest this morning?

LUKE

Huh?

MICHEL

I thought I saw you talking to a guest.

LUKE

I may have given someone directions.

MICHEL

Well, don't do it again. You're not qualified.

LUKE

I'm not qualified to tell somebody how to get to the post office?

MICHEL

No. You are a diner owner and an amateur substitute handyman, and that in no way qualifies you to give directions to our guests.

LUKE

Why not?

MICHEL

[Getting mad] Because that is my job, and you lack my people skills!

LUKE

[Getting a little annoyed but still calm] Go away, Michel.

MICHEL

[Still mad] Keep your voice down. The guests can hear.

LUKE

There isn't anyone down here.

MICHEL

But they are upstairs, and your voice carries!

LUKE

Hey, you're the one doing the yelling.

MICHEL

I'm yelling because you are flouting the rules of this establishment, parking where you want, talking when you want, wearing what you want. And 20 minutes ago, I saw you eating a sandwich.

LUKE

So what?

MICHEL

We don't let the help eat in front of the guests! The next time you eat, you do so in the kitchen... or the barn!

LUKE

I'm not gonna eat in the barn!

MICHEL

Parker ate in the barn.

LUKE

Who's parker?

MICHEL

A wonderful, wonderful man. [Storms off]

LOGAN

Hello?

RORY

There are no singles left.

LOGAN

What do you mean "no singles"?

RORY

I just talked to campus housing, and there are no singles left at Branford or anywhere on campus, and the decent off-campus apartments are long gone. The ones left make Paris and Doyle's place look like Versailles.

LOGAN

What are you talking about. Why do you need a place?

RORY

I got elected editor of the daily news.

LOGAN

What?... You did?

RORY

Yes.

LOGAN

Wow! Finally someone good running that place! Someone great! You're gonna be great!

RORY

Well, hot-plate Harriet took it very badly.

LOGAN

Who's that?

RORY

Paris. She threw all my stuff out into the hallway, so I'm sitting here guarding it all until the movers get here.

LOGAN

Oh, man. Paris, idiot.

RORY

My books look sad. Can books look sad?

LOGAN

Look, we'll figure this out. You said you got movers?

RORY

Starving students. How starving can they be if they can't come for five hours after you call? Plus, I heard the guy crunching on something during our call. Sounded like baked lay's.

LOGAN

And you've got nowhere to go, right?

RORY

Right-a-mundo.

LOGAN

Well... you can move in with me.

RORY

What?

LOGAN

Move in with me. Paris' place is a hole anyway. I never liked that you lived there. And that doo-wop group downstairs, I don't think they're an honest-to-goodness singing group.

RORY

Logan, that's really sweet, but I can't move in with you.

LOGAN

Why not? You're here half the time anyway. You've already got two dresser drawers, and right now, for a limited time, I'll throw in three more drawers and a set of Ginsu knives.

RORY

Really?

LOGAN

No. I have no idea where to get Ginsu knives.

RORY

It's kind of a big step, isn't it?

LOGAN

You need a place, I got the space. Don't you think it'll be fun?

RORY

Fun?

LOGAN

Come on, ace. You know what I mean. What do you say?

RORY

Well... I might need just one more drawer. I can put my socks in a shoebox under the bed.

LOGAN

Is that a yes?

RORY

I guess that's a yes.

LOGAN

Good. I'm calling Colin and Finn. They'll be right over.

RORY

Okay.

LOGAN

And no shoeboxes. You're getting those drawers.

RORY

I'll take them. [A lady comes out of apartment 8, to the lady] Wait, wait! [To Logan] Hold on, I've got to take this. [Back to the lady] Okay, get past the hamper, veer left at the mirror. Grab the large pipe on the wall to get yourself to the desk, which you can then go over or under. I'll guide you from there.

LORELAI

[Sighs] Got a little snack there, Michel?

LORELAI

I hate to see you bingeing like this.

LORELAI

Let's talk about your little spat with Luke today.

LORELAI

He said you yelled at him.

LORELAI

He's not a crybaby. He just doesn't like being screamed at by people he's doing favors for.

LORELAI

Now who's a crybaby?

LORELAI

What is this thing with you and parker? Did he save your life in Nam?

LORELAI

Parker is a clumsy, forgetful, 65-year-old, semi-lucid, not-that-handy handyman.

LORELAI

So did parker.

LORELAI

So this is a hat thing?

LORELAI

Well, so jot them down.

LORELAI

So type them up.

LORELAI

Oh, Michel. I liked our trips to Weston's.

LORELAI

I didn't cut coffee with you out of my life.

LORELAI

They were special. It's just been crazy around here, and, well, it was nice to save a little money with Luke.

LORELAI

I will.

LORELAI

[picks up a walnuts] These are candied.

LORELAI

What are you doing this afternoon?

LORELAI

Well, instead, how about if you and I take a trip to Weston's? We can make Luke a list over cake and coffee, and we can throw around ideas about improvements at the inn.

LORELAI

It’s not pity cake, it's red-velvet cake, and it's delicious, and I think we ought to eat it. Although this time, you're getting your own 'cause I am not sharing.

LORELAI

Tomorrow seems like a fine day to yell at Doreen. So Weston's?

LORELAI

Yeah, why don't we put a pin in that?

CHRISTOPHER

So far, I have seen no one here smarter than you.

RORY

You can tell that?

CHRISTOPHER

And I'm keeping track, 566 people, all inferior to you.

RORY

I don't believe it.

CHRISTOPHER

What?

RORY

Did you not see those two girls?

CHRISTOPHER

No. What?

RORY

They totally checked you out.

CHRISTOPHER

They did? [Chuckles] Cool.

RORY

It's the same way with mom. I swear, I hate having hot parents.

CHRISTOPHER

Sorry.

RORY

Check it out. [The look in to a class room from a doorway] I had him for microeconomics last year.

PROFESSOR COPPEDGE

The currency must be more than fungible, but also scarce. Take our seashells example. While fungible, they exist in infinite supply and so fail the scarcity test.

CHRISTOPHER

[Snoring]

RORY

Dad!

CHRISTOPHER

Huh? What? Uh, uh, fungible?

RORY

Dad, that's a Nobel-prize winner.

CHRISTOPHER

The dull dude?

RORY

Shh!

CHRISTOPHER

He doesn't even own an iron.

RORY

I can't take you anywhere.

CHRISTOPHER

No, you can't, can you?

CHRISTOPHER

This where we're eating?

RORY

We don't have to. I just wanted you to see it.

CHRISTOPHER

Well, I'll eat wherever you want to eat.

RORY

Okay. I know a cool spot. And we've pretty much covered every square inch of campus. So let's go.

CHRISTOPHER

Hey, what about your place?

RORY

My place?

CHRISTOPHER

Yeah, I want to see it.

RORY

Why?

CHRISTOPHER

[Chuckles] Because I'm curious. I want to see where my kid lives.

RORY

Well, it's pretty messy right now.

CHRISTOPHER

[Chuckles] The lady who cleans my house has to use a bulldozer. Messy does not frighten me.

RORY

Okay. But you've been warned.

CHRISTOPHER

Lead the way.

CHRISTOPHER

Man, did you see that lobby?

RORY

Um, yeah. Once or twice.

CHRISTOPHER

That was a lobby. And a doorman? I'm slipping that guy a little something extra to keep an eye on you, by the way.

RORY

You don't have to do that.

CHRISTOPHER

Are you kidding? I love slipping people money to do things. We're here?

RORY

Yep.

CHRISTOPHER

You got a key or is it scanning your retina for access?

RORY

Dad, I have to be straight with you about something.

CHRISTOPHER

Oops.

RORY

No, it's just... today was a weird day. It started really great, with me getting voted editor in chief of my school paper.

CHRISTOPHER

What? You did? Oh, boy, Rory, that's amazing.

RORY

Thank you, it is. It's just, Paris, my roommate Paris, she was the editor, Um, but when she found out that I was made the new editor, she threw me out.

CHRISTOPHER

What? You want me to talk to her?

RORY

No, it's fine. It's just that I had no place to go, so I moved in with my boyfriend.

CHRISTOPHER

Oh.

RORY

In there.

CHRISTOPHER

Your boyfriend.

RORY

You actually met him once.

CHRISTOPHER

I did?

RORY

At grandma's vow renewal. He was the guy...

CHRISTOPHER

Right.

RORY

Yes.

CHRISTOPHER

When I walked in, and you two...

RORY

Exactly.

CHRISTOPHER

Okay, well, uh, why don't we open the door so I can see what my daughter living with her boyfriend looks like?

RORY

Okay.

LOGAN

Hey.

RORY

Hi. I tried to call you to let you know we were coming over, but you didn't answer.

LOGAN

Right. Headphones.

RORY

They work.

LOGAN

Sure do.

RORY

So, uh, Logan, this is my father, Christopher.

LOGAN

Hi, good to meet you.

CHRISTOPHER

Actually, we've met.

LOGAN

I know.

CHRISTOPHER

Don't worry about it...Wow, this is, uh, some spread.

LOGAN

Aw, thanks. [Quietly to Rory] You brought your dad here.

RORY

He wanted to see where I lived. What was I supposed to do?

LOGAN

But I need a little bit of a warning.

RORY

I tried to call you.

CHRISTOPHER

Should I put the headphones on? 'Cause I'm right here.

RORY

No. Sorry.

LOGAN

Yeah, sorry.

CHRISTOPHER

Look, I didn't mean to barge in on you like this. I just want to make sure my kid's got a decent place to live, that's all. Hey, so, how do you like the plasma?

LOGAN

Love it.

CHRISTOPHER

Yeah, I'm thinking about getting a 60-inch for the bedroom.

LOGAN

Well, I've got a great home-theater guy if you need some help.

CHRISTOPHER

I may take you up on that.

RORY

You want something to drink, dad?

CHRISTOPHER

Sure, I'll take a soda, if you got one.

RORY

Coming right up.

CHRISTOPHER

[Looks out the window] Wow. That's a great view.

LOGAN

Yeah, that's the old campus over there.

CHRISTOPHER

Oh, me and the old campus go way back. [Looks at a photo] Is that... it is. That's Endicott Peabody. [Chuckles] Why do you have that? Are you a Groton man?

LOGAN

Was, briefly. I actually swiped that from the headmaster's office on my way out the door.

CHRISTOPHER

I was kicked out of Groton.

LOGAN

You're kidding.

CHRISTOPHER

Nope, did a semester at St. Sebastian's after that.

LOGAN

I know several people who got kicked out of St. Sebastian's. My good friend Colin was actually banned from coming anywhere within a 10-mile radius.

CHRISTOPHER

Impressive.

RORY

Here you go.

CHRISTOPHER

Thank you. After St. Sebastian's, I went on to St. Cybil’s.

LOGAN

I almost went there myself, but I wound up at St. Mark's instead.

CHRISTOPHER

How long you last there?

LOGAN

About a week.

CHRISTOPHER

They got quite the trigger finger at St. Mark's. Did you ever do Deerfield?

LOGAN

Please, Deerfield's for amateurs. I got kicked out of rivers.

CHRISTOPHER

I didn't think rivers kicked anybody out.

LOGAN

Neither did we, but dean Eldon's Miata in the bottom of lake Rutherford proved just the ticket.

CHRISTOPHER

Rory, you got a good man here.

RORY

Interesting yardstick you're using.

CHRISTOPHER

Hey, listen, Logan, we were just about to go out and grab some dinner. You want to come with?

LOGAN

Oh, I don't want to intrude.

RORY

No, come. That would be great.

LOGAN

Okay, sure. Just let me grab my wallet. I'll be right with you.

RORY

You're being nice to him.

CHRISTOPHER

He's a cool guy.

RORY

Listen, I haven't had a chance to tell mom about this yet. It's not a big deal, it just happened so fast so...

CHRISTOPHER

I get it.

RORY

I'm gonna tell her about it today, so just...

CHRISTOPHER

You tell her. I'm going TV shopping.

LOGAN

Okay, Rich Man's Shoe.

RORY

Where else?

CHRISTOPHER

Rich man's shoe?

RORY

Best burgers within walking distance.

LOGAN

We have very high culinary standards here at Yale.

CHRISTOPHER

Whoa, is that the new xBox 360? Okay, I'm totally moving in here with you.

LORELAI

(AND LUKE’S0 HOUSE – MAIN BEDROOM

LUKE

Are you serious?

LORELAI

Just look at it as a challenge.

LUKE

There's 85 things on this list.

LORELAI

Actually, that last page we did front and back.

LUKE

Wow.

LORELAI

I thought we'd make it an even 100.

LUKE

[Reading from list] "Regrout the tiles behind the sink basin."

LORELAI

Long overdue.

LUKE

How can you tell?

LORELAI

Well, if you slide on your back under the sink and shine a flashlight up into the area where the basin meets the wall, it's really obvious.

LUKE

What does "O.D.D." Mean?

LORELAI

"Only during the day." Those are tasks we deemed too noisy for you to do when guests are sleeping.

LUKE

How considerate. "Replace chocolate-brown contact paper in kitchen drawers with cocoa brown."

LORELAI

Huh, okay, that one I blame on the second piece of cake. There was a major sugar rush involved.

LUKE

I hate this list.

LORELAI

I know, but Michel and I made that list together, and we bonded, and that makes him happy.

LUKE

I don't want to make him happy.

LORELAI

If Michel's happy, then I'm happy, and then I take all that happiness and I give it right back to you, tonight, in bed, after you spend four hours with my parents. What do you say?

LUKE

Can't parker do the list?

LORELAI

No.

EMILY

Luke, you eat so little.

LUKE

My motto is "everything in moderation."

RICHARD

Smart. Very "Walden-esque”.

LUKE

But it's good, though. Everything's really good -- the duck pâté especially.

EMILY

Thank you. [The maid brings Lorelai a martini] Number three?

LORELAI

Hmm?

EMILY

The martini.

LORELAI

It helps settle my stomach.

EMILY

Gin?

LORELAI

Absolutely. Helps counteract the oh-so-regrettable shrimp I had for lunch today.

LUKE

Yeah, you mentioned that before. The shrimp did not agree with you.

LORELAI

Might have to turn in early. Damn, that Al!

EMILY

Al?

LORELAI

Al's pancake world, where I had the shrimp.

EMILY

You ate shrimp at a pancake house? Well, of course your stomach's unsettled.

RICHARD

You should drink club soda.

LUKE

I think we have some at the house.

LORELAI

Yeah might have to cut the night a little short.

EMILY

So you're living at Lorelai's house, Luke?

LORELAI

Mother!

EMILY

Is that so private?

LUKE

No, we're in the process of consolidating things.

RICHARD

Consolidating your assets?

LUKE

Right.

RICHARD

Tricky business.

EMILY

Is that house big enough for the two of you?

LORELAI

I've remodeled a little, added some space.

RICHARD

Smart.

LORELAI

Yeah, well, we're smart today.

LUKE

Except when you ate that shrimp.

LORELAI

Yeah, that was dumb.

RICHARD

You've updated your coverage, I assume, let your insurance company know about the improvements?

LORELAI

You're my insurance company, dad.

RICHARD

For the inn, not your house.

LORELAI

I haven't yet, but I will.

RICHARD

You should do it soon.

LORELAI

I'll do it tomorrow.

LUKE

If you're feeling okay.

LORELAI

Right

RICHARD

Better not wait. Small gaps in your insurance coverage can lead to big mistakes. Oh, I could tell you horror stories.

EMILY

Brian hunter.

RICHARD

Yes. He owned a home for 40 years, huge mansion, never updated his coverage. One night, his trophy bimbo wife got into a drunken snit, lit a curtain on fire with her marijuana cigarette, and burned the place to the ground. He couldn't afford to rebuild. Lost his fortune, lost the bimbo.

EMILY

Now he sells sunglasses out of the back of a van in California, cheap ones.

RICHARD

Because he didn't update his coverage. [Turns to Luke[ What about your diner?

LORELAI

What about it, dad?

RICHARD

I'm just wondering if Luke's insurance is up to date.

LORELAI

I'm sorry, did you invite us over to sell us insurance? Because if you did, I'm going to insist on seeing the complimentary desk calendar first.

RICHARD

I'm simply inquiring.

LUKE

I think I'm all up to date.

RICHARD

What company are you with?

LUKE

North trust insurance. I've known the guy a long time.

RICHARD

Never heard of it. You sure he's legit?

LORELAI

Of course it's legit. Come on, dad.

RICHARD

Don't be naive. There are schemers about preying on the naive.

EMILY

John Kendall.

RICHARD

John was drinking at a party, met a fellow, switched all of his coverage to the guy, wrote him a huge check on the spot. Then he suffered earthquake damage, and there was no record of the insurance transaction. It was a scam. Now he's working at the gift shop at the Grand Ole Opry.

EMILY

Horrid music.

RICHARD

Sells cowboy shirts and toy banjos.

LUKE

I've known my guy for a while.

RICHARD

You been to his office, checked out his operation?

LUKE

I just deal with him over the phone.

RICHARD

Ah.

LORELAI

What?

EMILY

Hubert Lansing.

RICHARD

Fell prey to a telephone scam running out of Estonia. Took his life with a track-and-field starter's pistol.

LORELAI

On your mark, get set, die awkwardly.

RICHARD

It's not funny, Lorelai. The fact is, both of you have significant assets, and both of you are targets.

LUKE

Targets?

LORELAI

How are we targets?

EMILY

You own your home.

LORELAI

So every homeowner is a target?

EMILY

And an inn with a 26 Zagat rating.

LORELAI

Okay, so that's two things.

RICHARD

Two very valuable things.

LUKE

The dragonfly is one of the highest-rated places in the area.

EMILY

And Luke owns his diner and the building it's in and the building next door with the soda shop. That's another significant holding.

LORELAI

Wait, did you put a P.I. On our tail or something? How do you know about Luke's real-estate holdings?

RICHARD

Because he told me all about them when we played golf last year.

LORELAI

You did?

LUKE

Yeah.

LORELAI

Who in the world would target us?

RICHARD

Grifters, con men. They know all the tricks.

EMILY

Joe Collins.

LORELAI

Oh, my god, the two of you have more stories than Somerset Maugham.

EMILY

Well, your father has seen it all.

RICHARD

And I must say, your daughter coming out of left field raised a red flag.

LUKE

My daughter?

LORELAI

You think she's a Grifter?

RICHARD

Of course not.

EMILY

But the people around her could be.

RICHARD

It's just that the timing is a little suspicious.

EMILY

Right when Luke's about to marry a woman of means.

LORELAI

I'm not a woman of means!

RICHARD

Stars hollow real estate is skyrocketing. It's gone up 43% in the last 4 years.

LUKE

It has. I heard that, too. 43%.

LORELAI

That much?

EMILY

This daughter of yours, you saw substantiation?

LUKE

Well, there was a DNA test.

RICHARD

That she performed herself, as I understand it.

EMILY

Isn't that what you said?

LORELAI

Yeah, but...

LUKE

But her uncle helped her.

RICHARD

And he's authorized to perform such a procedure?

LUKE

I think so.

EMILY

You never confirmed it?

LUKE

I saw a picture of him, and he was standing right next to a microscope.

RICHARD

Under the circumstances, I think it's best to take every possible precaution.

EMILY

For our protection, as well.

LORELAI

Your protection?

RICHARD

We're all connected now.

EMILY

You're our daughter, and come June 3rd, Luke will be our son-in-law. They could come after your assets, then Luke's assets, then our assets.

RICHARD

We could be wiped out.

LORELAI

So this is about protecting you.

RICHARD

It's about protecting all of us.

EMILY

We're all in this together.

RICHARD

All four of us.

EMILY

Get dessert ready, Leticia. Who wants coffee?

RICHARD

Hmm.

LUKE

I don't know if I can drive.

LORELAI

Well, walk to the car.

LUKE

Did you know real estate's gone up that much?

LORELAI

Not that much.

LUKE

My shirt is soaking wet.

LORELAI

I got to start reading the business section.

LUKE

I never knew there were so many horrible ways you could lose everything you own.

LORELAI

Or con men. Con men! Are there really con men?! I thought they went the way of Vaudevillians and Trotskyites.

LUKE

You've got to double, triple insure everything you own.

LORELAI

I've got to learn more about umbrella policies.

LUKE

Does Sookie know how much the inn has appreciated?

LORELAI

I don't think so.

LUKE

Because if they can come after her, they can go after you 'cause you're her partner.

LORELAI

Or, when we get married, they can come after you because we're married.

LUKE

And Sookie's married to Jackson, so they could go after his farm and all of his equipment.

LORELAI

Maybe I should sit down with Sookie.

LUKE

And I'll talk to Jackson.

LORELAI

Or maybe we could do it at the same time because that way, [Gets mad] no, this is ridiculous. This is what Gilmore’s do. They get in your freaking head, and they mess with it.

LUKE

Oh, they're good at that.

LORELAI

Forget Sookie and Jackson. They're responsible people. Dad does the inn. We're covered there. I just need to talk to my homeowner-policy guy.

LUKE

And I'll talk to my guy.

LORELAI

But in person, right? You should see his office. That's what the Hubert Lansing story taught us.

LUKE

Or was it John Kendall?

LORELAI

No, he's selling banjos in Nashville.

LUKE

It was Hubert Lansing.

LORELAI

So, in person.

LUKE

Right. And I shouldn't worry about April.

LORELAI

No.

LUKE

Because if I was a guy hearing a story about what happened to me, the timing would sound suspicious.

LORELAI

April's 12. She's not a con man. Though I know nothing about her mother.

LUKE

Anna's cool.

LORELAI

You know that for a fact?

LUKE

Absolutely. The timing was weird, but this woman is very down to earth, very un-materialistic. I trust my gut, and my gut says there's nothing bad there.

LORELAI

Okay, good. I trust your gut, too. [Sighs] I feel like I should run in there and yell at them about something.

LUKE

About what?

LORELAI

I don't know. That's what's stopping me.

LUKE

What is this feeling, this tightness in the chest, this anger mixed with paralyzing weakness?

LORELAI

You've been Gilmored. But you know what the weird thing is? They referred to us as family, you, me.

LUKE

Yeah, what was that about?

LORELAI

Well, I think in some twisted way, that may have been them actually validating us as a couple.

LUKE

Wow, that is twisted and weird.

LORELAI

Yeah.

LUKE

[Sighs] Well, I think I can walk now. Can you walk?

LORELAI

Yeah.

LUKE

All right. Why did she say June 3rd?

LORELAI

Oh, it's old information. They're always a step behind.

LUKE

Right. Hey, which one was Somerset Maugham?

LORELAI

Hello?

CHRISTOPHER

Lor, it's me. You busy? Can you talk?

LORELAI

How come you have "I've got the government's secret microchip in my briefcase, and they're on to me" voice?

CHRISTOPHER

Do I? Sorry.

LORELAI

What's wrong?

CHRISTOPHER

Nothing. I just finished having dinner with Rory.

LORELAI

Oh, yeah. How did the tour go? Did she take you to stare at the old books? 'Cause that girl loves staring at the old books.

CHRISTOPHER

Yes, we stared at the old books. The tour was great. I just... I have to tell you something.

LORELAI

Okay.

CHRISTOPHER

Now, I'm not sure whether I'm supposed to do this or not. Normally I wouldn't because it feels like a fink-out thing, but I think this falls under the parent thing, so that overrules the fink-out thing.

LORELAI

Catch a wave, bud. You're drifting.

CHRISTOPHER

Rory moved in with her boyfriend.

LORELAI

What?!

CHRISTOPHER

Rory moved in with her boyfriend, and she said she was gonna tell you, but I thought, in case she didn't, then I should tell you, so I did, and I feel like a fink.

LORELAI

You're not a fink. When did this happen?

CHRISTOPHER

Today. It was all very spur-of-the-moment. Hey, tell me about this guy. Do we hate him?

LORELAI

What?

CHRISTOPHER

Logan, do we hate him, am I supposed to hate him?

LORELAI

No, you can feel however you want about him.

CHRISTOPHER

Good, 'cause I think I like him. He's a cool guy. Great apartment. Funny.

LORELAI

He's taken, Chris.

CHRISTOPHER

I just wanted to make sure you didn't hate him before I committed to an opinion.

LORELAI

You're entitled to your own take on him.

CHRISTOPHER

What's yours?

LORELAI

Hey, for me, the jury's out on all you guys. You can thank Brad Pitt for that one.

CHRISTOPHER

Okay, so, anyhow, I told you.

LORELAI

Yeah, you told me. Wow. Our little girl is living with her boyfriend.

CHRISTOPHER

Yeah, I had that moment, too. It was during the onion brick, so I had a little distraction, but I had it.

LORELAI

Yeah. [Call waiting beeps] Um, hey, hold on. Hello?

RORY

Mom, it's me.

LORELAI

Hey, you. Hold on a sec. [Changes line back] Chris, it's Rory.

CHRISTOPHER

Okay, now, I did not tell you. Do not rat me out. When she tells you the news, you have to act surprised okay.

LORELAI

Yes, I promise. It'll be like the time you told me you got Pat Benatar tickets for my birthday, but I knew because I went through your jeans looking for the clove cigarettes.

CHRISTOPHER

You knew?

LORELAI

Bye, Chris. [Switches call back] Hey, kid, what's going on?

RORY

Not much. Having a bad reaction to an onion brick.

LORELAI

What part of onion brick do you not understand?

RORY

I gave dad his tour today.

LORELAI

Yeah!

RORY

It was nice. He saw the campus, we had dinner.

LORELAI

Oh, how very "7th heaven" of you.

RORY

Listen, I have some news, two pieces of news, actually. One is good, and one is, let's say, interesting.

LORELAI

Oh, intrigue.

RORY

Well, first, I was made the new editor of the Yale daily news.

LORELAI

No, really? Rory, that's awesome.

RORY

It is awesome.

LORELAI

My god, I didn't even know you were up for the job.

RORY

I wasn't, actually. It all kind of happened at the last minute.

LORELAI

Hey, wasn't Paris the editor of the daily news?

RORY

Yes, she was, which brings me to my next piece of news.

LORELAI

Okay.

RORY

Paris was ousted, and when she found out that I had taken her place, she kind of kicked me out of the apartment.

LORELAI

Well, sure.

RORY

So I had no place to live, and there were absolutely no apartments for rent anywhere near campus, so... I moved in with Logan.

LORELAI

Wow, big news!

RORY

Yeah.

LORELAI

Well, jeez, tell me about his place. Is it nice?

RORY

Uh, yeah, it's really nice.

LORELAI

Where is it?

RORY

The Taft building, right off campus, top floor.

LORELAI

Top floor? Cool. Good view?

RORY

Great view.

LORELAI

Awesome. How many rooms?

RORY

Dad told you, didn't he?

LORELAI

Oh, come on, I was doing so well.

RORY

Please.

LORELAI

How did you know?

RORY

Are you kidding me? "How's the view? Is his place nice?" You didn't call me Hester Prynne once.

LORELAI

Don't be mad at him. He was just trying to do the dad thing. He hated it, by the way.

RORY

I'm not mad.

LORELAI

Good.

RORY

[Sighs] So?

LORELAI

So, what?

RORY

So, what do you think of me moving in with Logan?

LORELAI

I'm sorry, do you remember what happened the last time I piped in with my opinions on your life choices?

RORY

Mom, come on.

LORELAI

You don't want to make sure the pool house is clean first?

RORY

Mom.

LORELAI

Okay, well, moving in, that's pretty big.

RORY

I know.

LORELAI

I mean, I don't know. I've never lived with a guy. There's that whole thing about the cow and the milk's free. I guess I would hate to think that you really moved in with him because there was a housing shortage, because it's a big step.

RORY

I love him.

LORELAI

Well, I want you to be happy.

RORY

I am happy, really happy.

LORELAI

Okay, then. Congratulations. Big day.

RORY

Thanks.

LORELAI

You're gonna have to tell me how it is living with a guy before I let Luke move in. If it's too creepy, he may have to stay with Babette. [Paul Anka jumps up on the couch]

RORY

I will.

LORELAI

I've heard some horror stories about toilet seats you would not believe.

RORY

Really? Do tell. Oh, but, wait, let me dim the lights and start the fire.

LORELAI

You have a fireplace?

RORY

Wood-burning.

LORELAI

I don't think we can be friends anymore.