T6E19: “I Get a Sidekick Out of You”

MRS KIM

Mmm, very good. Not too spicy.

AUNT JUN

I pack it very tightly. It strangles the spice.

MRS KIM

Well, it's perfect, and we're doing very good on time. At 4:00, we move on to dumplings. I'm going to open another window.

LANE

Boy, there's a lot of activity down here.

MRS KIM

It's going very well. Your aunt Jun is a wizard with the Kimchi.

LANE

Well, is there anything I can do to help?

MRS KIM

No, go back upstairs. Read the bible passages I've underlined.

LADIES

[In Korean] Juh gi in nae! Cham yeppuda. Aaenun unje gajil gueni?

MRS KIM

Enough! Back to work! Back to work, all of you! And she will have children in the proper time! [Too Lane] You, upstairs.

LANE

But mama

MRS KIM

You come down, cooking stops. [pointing upstairs] Up.

LANE

But it's hot up there mama, and you know what rises with the hot air? The smell of 10 pounds of Kimchi. I'm getting woozy.

MRS KIM

Well, pull your sweater over your face. Just get back upstairs. [Goes to answer knock on the door]

LORELAI

Vera Wang calling. Wow, you can almost see that smell.

MRS KIM

Is that the dress?

LORELAI

It is indeed.

MRS KIM

Wonderful Lane, the dress. Well, come on, let's see it.

LORELAI

Okay

MRS KIM

[Telephone ringing] Hold that thought. [Goes to answer phone]

LANE

You couldn't have set it on fire?

LORELAI

Dude, there's not enough lighter fluid in the world.

LANE

I hope you made a matching blindfold so Zach doesn't have to actually see me in it.

LORELAI

Now, come on. You're gonna look beautiful. You have a very pretty face, and you have hands and feet. For some guys, the stuff in between is just annoying.

MRS KIM

[Sighs]

LANE

Mama, are you okay?

MRS KIM

Yes, fine. [Looking at Lorelai] What are you doing here?

LORELAI

Arr, I brought the dress.

MRS KIM

What dress?

LANE

My wedding dress, mama.

MRS KIM

Oh yes.

LORELAI

I was just about to show it to you.

MRS KIM

Right. Go ahead.

LORELAI

Um, now, there were a couple of stains on it, just probably from age, so I had to make a few minor adjustments, but I think you'll see, all in all, that the integrity of the dress has remained intact. [Lane is very please, Mrs Kim doesn't seen to care]

MRS KIM

Fine. How much do I owe you?

LORELAI

Uh, nothing. Um, consider it a wedding gift.

MRS KIM

Okay, I have to go back to work. I will see you and Luke at the wedding.

LORELAI

Yes, you will. I mean, you'll see me. Luke is out of town, but I'm gonna take pictures and make him feel really bad he missed it. It's a thing we do.

MRS KIM

Whatever. Goodbye.

LANE

Did she see it?

LORELAI

I held it up right in front of her face.

LANE

But she didn't yet, It's got a waist, and she didn't yell.

LORELAI

Don't question it, take the dress upstairs and hide it till you're walking down the aisle. And even then, walk fast.

LANE

Thank you.

LORELAI

Okay.

MRS KIM

[Yelling from the kitchen] Lorelai, wait! Come back! [Running out side] What do you mean Luke's out of town?!

LORELAI

Uh, well, I mean, Luke's left town. He's gone far away from town. Town's there, and Luke's over here.

MRS KIM

He's not coming to the wedding with you?

LORELAI

No.

MRS KIM

You mean you're coming alone, unescorted?

LORELAI

Well, Rory will be there so...

MRS KIM

No she won't like it

LORELAI

Who won't?

MRS KIM

You can't come alone. An unmarried woman of a certain age, unescorted, wearing the clothes you tend to wear, people will think things, bad things...

LORELAI

Like what?

MRS KIM

Like you're a tramp and possibly for sale.

LORELAI

Wow, suddenly "Footloose" not seeming so silly.

MRS KIM

What are we gonna do?

LORELAI

Well I guess first of all we should agree on a price.

MRS KIM

You have to find someone to bring you. You have to find a man!

LORELAI

In one day? Are you kidding me it took me this long to find Luke.

MRS KIM

My daughter wants you at her wedding, fine. But if you're to come, then you need to come with a man. And Kirk does not count!

LORELAI

Lorelai Gilmore – disappointing mothers since 1968.

RORY

Phones are ringing, people, answer them who knows it could be someone calling with a story. Wouldn't that be neat? [looking at here work] Aah, I thought I told her to cut the second paragraph. Stacy, I thought I told you, cut the second paragraph.

STACY

[OS] I forgot.

RORY

Good work, Stacy. A.K., Time?

A.K.

3:15.

RORY

Okay, everyone, Just a reminder I am leaving at 3:00, which is 15 minutes ago, so if anyone needs anything from me, too bad till Monday.

PARIS

My pro-tenure piece.

RORY

Okay, thank you.

PARIS

And my anti-tenure piece.

RORY

Paris come on.

PARIS

Just hear me out.

RORY

No

PARIS

When I first started writing, I believed passionately that tenure was a reward for excellent service and a way for a school to attract the very best teachers from all over the country.

RORY

So let's go with that.

PARIS

But once I finished writing I started thinking about the other side of the argument, I mean money and employment for the rest of your life? No matter what. Where is the incentive to keep the standards high? I mean Remember professor Leavers? He got tenured and lost all interest. Just sat there dowie and sleepy It was like being taught by Jimmy Kimmel.

RORY

Anti-tenure, stamp it, ship it.

PARIS

I was thinking you could print both pieces.

RORY

What?

PARIS

Side-by-side, like a point/counterpoint.

RORY

You want me to print a point/counterpoint where both points are written by the same person?

PARIS

Bold Huh.

RORY

You have five minutes to pick a side. A.K., Time?

A.K.

3:17.

ROSEMARY

Ooh, how very "all the president's men." Exciting

JULIET

Aha, just the girl we were looking for.

ROSEMARY

We have a wonderful idea.

JULIET

We are going to Costa Rica.

RORY

What?!

ROSEMARY

We're gonna fly out tonight and meet the guys at the end of their river-rafting trip.

JULIET

We though we'd set up a fabulous camp, dress up like natives, in grass skirts and coconut bras and meet the boys with food, fresh booze, and shaving cream. What do you think.

RORY

I think you should double-check your guidebooks, 'cause I don't think Costa Rican natives wear grass skirts and coconut bras.

JULIET

Oh how cares there's only a small window of time where a girl can pull off a coconut bra.

RORY

Well, thanks for the invite, but I can't.

ROSEMARY

What, why?

JULIET

Don't you want to see Logan after six days without a shower?

ROSEMARY

Or styling gel.

RORY

I have a wedding to go to, and I'm leaving in a minute to head home.

ROSEMARY

Rats.

JULIET

Logan will be very disappointed.

RORY

Well I'll hide the soap and the Kiehl's, and we can re-enact it when he gets back.

JULIET

Hmm, I'm feeling a chill from the north.

ROSEMARY

Okay, well, if you change your mind and please change your mind, call my cell, we leave at Ten.

RORY

Have a safe flight.

JULIET

[Too so guys] Woodward, Bernstein.

RORY

Okay and that's it, layout's done. A.K.?

A.K.

3:20.

RORY

I'm audi. Jill, approve Paris' piece when it's in.

PARIS

I can't pick a side. Either way I look at it, I'm right.

RORY

I'll see you Monday, Paris.

MICHEL

You know I hear the weather's supposed to be beautiful tomorrow.

LORELAI

Hum.

MICHEL

How big a wedding do you think it will be?

LORELAI

I don't know.

MICHEL

I hope it's a big wedding. I love big weddings. What time are you picking me up tomorrow?

LORELAI

Noon.

MICHEL

Ah non is fine that will give me plenty of time to get ready. You know, I hope you don't stay out too late tonight. You'll be tired for tomorrow.

LORELAI

I will not be tired.

MICHEL

I wouldn't drink too much, either, you'll be puffy.

LORELAI

Okay, I'll keep it to half a box of wine, max.

MICHEL

I'm just saying, tomorrow is a very special day. You need to be perfect.

LORELAI

Okay, I'm not getting married, Michel.

MICHEL

[A little laughing] I know that, but you are going to be with me, and I'm going to look fantastic, and you know that who you are with is always a reflection of yourself, and I don't want my reflection to look like Judy Garland, the mark Herron years.

LORELAI

Michel stop. Now, I'm going to be wearing my blue pinstripes, so if you wear something in an ice blue or [Gasps] Oh, yes, silver, that would look amazing. No one would take their eyes off of us.

LORELAI

And how delighted the bride will be.

MICHEL

Now let's discuss dancing. As you know, I'm a fabulous dancer, Deney Terrio level and I intend to dance a lot. It's what I do at parties to compensate for the elevated calorie intake. I just shake it all off.

LORELAI

Well, I promise to duck.

MICHEL

I don't understand your attitude. After all, these are your friends. I don't even know them.

SOOKIE

[OS] Lorelai!

LORELAI

Yeah.

SOOKIE

[OS] Lorelai! Help Lorelai, oh my God... problem. [Sookie comes running out with a covered tray] Something went very, very wrong.

LORELAI

Wrong with what?

SOOKIE

Remember the dirty cookies I was baking for the bachelorette gift baskets?

LORELAI

Ha?

SOOKIE

Well, they expanded in the oven.

LORELAI

Expanded? What do you mean? [Sookie uncovers the tray] Oh, dear!

SOOKIE

I know.

LORELAI

Hello, Tommy Lee.

SOOKIE

I don't know what happened. Too much yeast.

LORELAI

Well, I cannot put those in the bags with the shiny tiaras and the bubble wands.

SOOKIE

I know, I know. I know. I'll go try and figure something out.

LORELAI

[Cell phone rings, Lorelai answers] Hello?

CHRISTOPHER

Hey Lore, you got a minute?

LORELAI

Um...

MICHEL

[To Lorelai] You see? This is what you're up against.

LORELAI

[Looks at Michel, then to Chris] Yes, I have a minute.

CHRISTOPHER

I just got Rory one of those Sidekicks. Actually I got it for her a couple of days ago, so she already has it. Then I realize that It's one of those things I should have run past you. So I'm running it past you now. Is that okay? 'Cause if it's not, I can take it back. I'll just say I read something in consumer reports about radiation levels.

LORELAI

Chris, honey, we're way past the point where you have to get my permission to buy your own daughter a gift.

CHRISTOPHER

We are.

LORELAI

Yes didn't you get the memo?

CHRISTOPHER

Well, you know what a mess my desk is.

LORELAI

I think it's nice that you bought Rory a gift.

CHRISTOPHER

Good.

LORELAI

So, how are you?

CHRISTOPHER

I'm great.

LORELAI

Yeah? How's G.G.?

CHRISTOPHER

She's, well, hold on a sec. [Holds the phone up] You hear that?

LORELAI

No.

CHRISTOPHER

Exactly.

LORELAI

Oh, come on. It's naptime.

CHRISTOPHER

Not until 4:00, my friend.

LORELAI

Then she's holding her breath until you buy her a Porsche.

CHRISTOPHER

She is in her room playing with her toys, shining her halo as we speak.

LORELAI

Well, well, well, look who's cracking the whip.

CHRISTOPHER

I got to tell you, that "no" word is pretty awesome. I can't wait to try out the "you're grounded."

LORELAI

So... [Sees Michel dancing, turns away.] Anyway...

RORY

Lane, I'm here, and I...

MRS KIM

Move!

RORY

Lane, hi, I...

LANE

Coming through!

RORY

Am I here early?

LANE

Sorry. Hi, glad you're here.

RORY

What's going on? And where's all your stuff?

LANE

My grandma's coming.

RORY

Well Jeez, how big is she?

LANE

She hasn't been out of Korea in 45 years because she refuses to travel, so we figured there's no way she'd come, but she called today, and she's coming.

RORY

So that's nice right?

MRS KIM

[OS] Help me!

LANE

Coming!

RORY

Whoa, big Buddha!

MRS KIM

Save the commentary. Grab the feet.

RORY

Okay.

MRS KIM

Be careful. Don't let it drop.

RORY

What happens if it drops?

MRS KIM

It breaks.

RORY

Oh, you ask a stupid question...

MRS KIM

Down, here. [Grunts] I'll have the boys next door bring the other one in. [To Lane] Did you get the crucifixes out of the kitchen?

LANE

No

MRS KIM

Go, both of you! Go! Go!

RORY

Going.

MRS KIM

And don't forget the Christ's-feet tea towel!

RORY

Okay, seriously, you have got to fill me in or I've gotta call my life line. What is with the Buddha?

LANE

Apparently my grandmother's a Buddhist.

MRS KIM

Go hide these in your room.

LANE

Closet?

MRS KIM

Uh, floorboards!

RORY

I don't understand. So your grandma's Buddhist. Why are we [puts it together] oh, my god. She doesn't know.

LANE

No.

RORY

Your mother's mother does not know she's a seventh-day Adventist.

LANE

And it would be a very big deal if she found out.

RORY

That is so weird.

LANE

Tell be about it I just discovered today that I am simply the latest link in a chain of Kim women who hide their real lives under floorboards away from their mothers.

MRS KIM

[OS] Lane, she's here! I want all boys!

RORY

Praise Buddha!

RORY

That's your mom's mom?

LANE

Yep.

MRS KIM'S MOTHER

[To Lane, Korean] Hyun kyung! Jum e-ri nae ryeo wa bara!

RORY

I see the resemblance.

MRS KIM'S MOTHER

[Korean] Ah, ipudda. Euhsuh o seyo, ha-l-money.

LANE

[Korean] Wa jew shyeo suh nuh moo gibuh yo.

MRS KIM'S MOTHER

[Korean] Yeo gi o ni, nuh moo jokkuna. [To Mrs Kim] Yeya, jugee wae bulss-awngul ba-ng anae noonguhya?

MRS KIM

[Korean] Chew udun jewngi uhso yo, uhmoney.

MRS KIM'S MOTHER

[Korean] Ahyo! Irrokea duropku, dap dap hada. [Sniffs] Moon jom yeoreo ra! Majja, jom chiwo ya getda. Yanuh, wae gonghang ehsuh ahn nawanni. Uh? Na oji malla go -- ahoh, jungmal kiunni napuh. Bakkwoyachi. Beckpalbae julul olija. [Sighs]

RORY

What was that all about?

LANE

Three complaints, two insults, and a hefty dose of religious guilt.

RORY

What are they doing now?

LANE

Their ritual of 108 bows.

LORELAI

Should be called 108 "ows." [Chuckles] Oh, my mother would have liked that one. It's kind of hypnotizing if you stare at it long enough.

LANE

Oh, shoot, we have to go. Uh, mama? Mama, we have to go, the bachelorette party. We're meeting the others at Doose's.

MRS KIM

80 to go.

LANE

Okay, so, I'll see you later. Bye.

LORELAI

Ladies, ladies, please, I need your attention. This is a very serious subject here. Now, I need to do a quick check to make sure we have got all of our supplies. Rory Read off the list.

RORY

Beer.

LANE

Check.

RORY

More beer,

SOOKIE

Check.

RORY

Pretzels, and beer.

GIRL1

Check.

RORY

Alternative alcohol for those who don't like beer, and beer.

GIRL2

Check.

RORY

List complete, Sarge.

LORELAI

Excellent now we are about to commence the first leg of our evening. Our dear friend Lane is about to get married, and it is our job to make sure we give her one night and one headache she will never forget.

LANE

Hear, hear!

LORELAI

Now our first stop is the black, white, and read bookstore, where we will sneak in our booze, our treats, proceeded to get drunk and watch tonight's feature, "American Gigolo."

SOOKIE

Featuring a little full-frontal from Mr. Gere himself.

LORELAI

All right, let's go to the movies! [Cheering]

KYON

[Running up] Wait for me! Sorry I'm late. I had to wait for the two Mrs. Kims to sleep before I can climb down tree to meet you. Luckily all that bowing makes them sleep like dogs.

RORY

It's okay, Kyon. We were just leaving.

KYON

[Starts stripping] I had to get out of house. Stinks of Kimchi and incense. You can't breath. There's Buddha's everywhere staring at you. [Notices Lane and Rory starring at her] What?

LANE

When did you start double dressing and Avril Lavigne?!

KYON

Avril lavigne rocks. You are such a snob. If it's not Joy Division, you no like it. Well, you can't dance to Joy Division.

LANE

[To Kyon] She's crazy! My whole family's crazy.

RORY

Well, welcome to the club. We'll get sweatshirts.

LORELAI

Hmm, secret admirer?

RORY

It's dad. He gave me this thing as a gift, you know. However, he also got himself one, and since then, he has been texting me every five minutes. It's insane you should have told him no when he ran this past you.

LORELAI

I think it's nice you have a real daddy/daughter thing going on.

RORY

Oh, yeah, he's shopping for celery at the supermarket. They're running a special.

LORELAI

He's just excited.

RORY

Yeah, well, now he's in the canned-peas aisle. Apparently he doesn't like peas, but he does like pea soup. Interesting, no? No!

LORELAI

All right, give me that. Um, okay. [texting] "Your daughter is about to see Richard Gere's penis." That should shut him up for a while. [they notice one of the girls vomiting] That's got to be some sort of record.

RORY

Hmm.

SOOKIE

I don't understand. I checked the time of the movie twice.

LORELAI

Well, the paper probably printed it wrong again.

RORY

We could've just gone in.

LORELAI

No, too risky. No way to know if we'd missed the money shot.

SOOKIE

And "American Gigolo" without the "gigo-down-low" is pointless.

LANE

So, what should we do now?

LORELAI

Uh, well, we could kill some time till the next showing.

SOOKIE

Sure that's only 45 minutes.

RORY

So where should we go.

LORELAI

We could get some coffee.

KYON

"Partay."

SOOKIE

Well maybe we could play a game. I do that with the kids and time flies.

LORELAI

I don't really think peek-a-boo's gonna fly, Sookie.

SOOKIE

Well, we could make it more adult, you know? Peek-a-boo, take a shot. That could be fun.

ZACH

Hey!

GIRLS

Hey!

ZACH

Didn't expect to see you guys here.

LANE

We were gonna see "American Gigolo," but we missed it.

SOOKIE

I swear, I checked the time twice.

RORY

We believe you Sookie.

LANE

What are you guys doing here?

GIL

We just came from Dell's bar.

BRIAN

It closed early 'cause it's Dell's wedding anniversary.

LORELAI

Dell's is closed? Shoot. We were gonna go there after the movie.

RORY

Well, we could go to the chimney sweep.

SOOKIE

No it burnt down last week.

RORY

That's ironic.

GIL

We could drive over to beacon falls, anything open there?

LORELAI

No

BRIAN

We could go to my aunt's house. She's got a rec room with a record player.

ZACH

No way that's completely lame. Which one's "American Gigolo"? Is that the one where you see Richard Gere's Johnson? 'Cause that seems a little weird for a bachelor party.

LANE

No, we are not doing this.

ZACH

Doing What?

LANE

We are supposed to be getting wild at separate bachelor and Bachelorette parties! We cannot be bumping into each other all night long.

LANE

Lady's right. Come on, men. Let's go find something wild to do.

GUYS

Yeah!

LORELAI

[To the girls] You guys, we are looking pathetic now, all right? We are young, temporarily single girls on the prowl. There's plenty to do that we can be mortified about.

RORY

Well, the t-shirts and tiaras are a start.

LORELAI

Exactly, all right, ladies, come on. Let's go find us some fun.

GIRLS

Yeah!

LORELAI

Five more seconds... That's it. Anyone?

RORY

Nope.

LANE

Nope.

LORELAI

Let's do it.

LANE

Hi. Are you Brian's aunt?

BRIAN'S AUNT

Oh, you must be Lane. The boys are downstairs in the rec room.

LORELAI

Sounds like they have foosball.

RORY

Foosball's fun.

ZACH

Bachelorettes in the house!

LORELAI

Hey, boys!

BOY

Whoo!

KYON

Hey, look, there's a moose head.

RORY

Dad's feet are two different sizes.

LORELAI

Oh, for the love of, hey, [holding up two small bags] which one says, "hi, I'm not a whore. Enjoy your day"?

RORY

The pink one.

RORY

Do not talk. We're going to be late.

LORELAI

I talk fast. It's my gift. Hello?

MICHEL

I just got tickets to Céline Dion.

LORELAI

What?

MICHEL

My friend Tessa just called and told me she has front-row tickets to Céline Dion, and I'm going with her.

LORELAI

Well, that's great.

MICHEL

I have been waiting forever to get this close to Céline. Oh, my god, I'm shaking like a leaf. What should I wear? What would Céline like me in?

LORELAI

I don't know, Michel, but I'm on my way to pick you up, so...

MICHEL

Oh, no. Don't bother. I'm not going to the wedding.

LORELAI

What? Why not?

MICHEL

Because I'm going to Céline Dion, hello! What have I been saying to you?

LORELAI

No, Michel, you have to go to the wedding.

MICHEL

Ah sorry I cannot.

LORELAI

Well, you've already seen Céline Dion.

MICHEL

Only five times, and never in the front row. I was in the balcony with the riffraff and the people who sneak in pot.

LORELAI

Michel, you have to go. I need an escort. Find someone there, that's why single women go to weddings.

LORELAI

I am not single. I'm engaged.

MICHEL

Lorelai, I'm sorry. In the future, I owe you some kind of a favor, but tonight you're on your own.

LORELAI

Michel...

MICHEL

I'll bring you a mouse pad. Bye-bye.

LORELAI

[Hangs up the phone, groans] Michel is going to the Céline Dion concert.

RORY

Bummer.

LORELAI

What am I supposed to do now? Mrs. Kim made it very clear not to show up without a guy. This is ridiculous. Even when I have a man, I'm still the girl who doesn't have a man. This sucks! I've known Lane since she was a little kid. She's spent more time at our house than at her own, and now I'm gonna miss her wedding? Fracking Céline Dion!

RORY

You want me to see if dad can go with you?

LORELAI

What?

RORY

I've got him right here he's turning left on main, and he found a buffalo-head nickel in his glove compartment.

LORELAI

No, I don't know it's Saturday. I'm sure he's busy.

RORY

He just left the hardware store, and now he's parked on the side of the road trying to decide how many tacos he wants. I vote three, 'cause two just never seems enough.

LORELAI

Okay, so he's not busy, but the wedding is starting in 45 minutes.

RORY

He can be here in 20.

LORELAI

Seriously?

RORY

Wow, four tacos. Quite a man, my father. So, what do you think? Should I pull the trigger?

LORELAI

[Sighs] Tell him to bring me a taco.

RORY

Will do. T.P.T.D.I...

LORELAI

What does that mean?

RORY

"totally psyched to do it."

LORELAI

He's making up his own acronyms?

RORY

Yeah, and he just learned how to make the happy face.

LORELAI

Sorry, kid, what can I say, he was really hot in high school.

CHRISTOPHER

Hey.

LORELAI

Hi! [They kiss on the cheek]

CHRISTOPHER

Sorry I'm late.

LORELAI

Forget it, I can't believe you're doing this.

CHRISTOPHER

My pleasure, wow you look great, do I this is the jacket I had with me in the car.

LORELAI

Yeah yeah, you look fine.

CHRISTOPHER

Hey, check it out, buffalo-head nickel.

LORELAI

Oh, great. Let's go. [They start going inside]

CHRISTOPHER

Go where.

LORELAI

Uh, excuse me. Hi, Mrs. Kim. I'd like you to meet Christopher Hayden. He's Rory's father and a man.

CHRISTOPHER

Did that really need clarification?

LORELAI

She instructed me to bring a man today. I just wanted to show her that I can take direction well. You never know who knows Spielberg.

CHRISTOPHER

Why did you have to bring a man?

LORELAI

Because an unmarried woman, alone, of a certain age, dressed the way I dress apparently is Korean for Jenna Jameson.

CHRISTOPHER

Where's Luke?

LORELAI

Ah, out of town with his kid.

CHRISTOPHER

Oh, well, then, lucky me. I always wanted to meet Jenna Jameson.

RORY

There they are.

LORELAI

Yes all nice and proper.

CHRISTOPHER

Hey. [kisses Rory] This is very impressive.

RORY

It's a Buddhist wedding.

CHRISTOPHER

Is the Dalai Lama coming?

LORELAI

Yes, he's having the chicken.

RORY

Oh it must be starting, you guys should stand over there.

CHRISTOPHER

Okay we'll wait for you.

LORELAI

You don't get it "He's having the chicken." Dalai lama's a vegetarian. So obviously he's not having the chicken. Huh, sorry, should I have texted it to you instead?

KOREAN MINISTER

[Korean] Sarrangun gokwihan sunmool ipmeda. Choshim duryo hapneda. Chongkyung baddya hapneda.

MRS KIM'S MOTHER

[Gasps, Korean] Bulss-awng e kkae jjyeotda.

MRS KIM

[Korean] Morra goyo?

MRS KIM'S MOTHER

[Korean] Bulss-awng e kkae jjyeot seh.

MRS KIM

[Korean] Uhmoney. Jigum yeashicki sijack daesuhyo.

MRS KIM'S MOTHER

[Korean] Bulss-awng e kkae jjyeot nundae shijack handan maliya?

MRS KIM

[Korean] Bulss-awngun gewnchanayo. Gewnchanayo!

MRS KIM'S MOTHER

[Korean] E ri wabara.

KOREAN MINISTER

[Korean] Han gajongi desuh, hap-baerul deuseyo.

OFF SCREEN

[The two Mre Kim's] Choboki kajungae hampkae hakil kimshimuro bimneda.

LORELAI

[Sighs, then to Chris] The universal sounds of family.

MRS KIM'S

[Korean] Wa jew shyeo suh kipeoyo. Gomapda. Jal itda ganda. Joshimi gase yo.

MRS KIM'S MOTHER

[Korean] Young chaya,

MRS KIM'S

[Korean] jal- it seora. Jalgase yo, uhmoney. [She opens the car door, her mother gets in and the taxi drives away. Then speaking to the waiting crowd now waiting out side the house,] Go! [Everyone starts running, but not Lorelai or Chris]

CHRISTOPHER

Whoa!

LORELAI

Hey!

CHRISTOPHER

What the hell is happening?!

LORELAI

Are there bulls coming out of there?

CHRISTOPHER

We would've heard the china breaking.

LORELAI

My God.

RORY

Why aren't you running?

LORELAI

Why should we be running?

RORY

To get to the church for the wedding.

LORELAI

For what?

RORY

For the wedding.

CHRISTOPHER

I thought this was the wedding.

RORY

The grandmother's wedding. Now we do the mother's wedding.

LORELAI

Why do we have to run?

RORY

Because there's 58 seats and 62 Koreans.

LORELAI

[Taking Chris's arm] Oh, boy! Go!

LORELAI

Don't slow down!

CHRISTOPHER

My shoes are slippery!

LORELAI

Such it up!

SOOKIE

Hey! Hi, Christopher!

LORELAI

Chris, you remember Sookie and Jackson?

CHRISTOPHER

Yeah, nice to see you again.

JACKSON

You to.

SOOKIE

Nice day for a wedding.

LORELAI

Beautiful.

JACKSON

Perfect weather.

SOOKIE

Why are we running?

LORELAI

58 seats, 62 Koreans.

SOOKIE

Fight for me, baby!

JACKSON

I'm on it.

LORELAI

What do you see? Do you see anything open?

SOOKIE

We'll take two and two! Two and two is fine.

LORELAI

We can find four together.

SOOKIE

I don't think we can.

LORELAI

I see something. Patty, Patty!

MISS PATTY

Oh, hi, honey. What a pretty dress. Oh, the things you can pull off with that body.

JACKSON

These all taken?

MISS PATTY

Oh, no, I just thought I'd save some in case. Here, come sit.

LORELAI

It's a mad house in here, how did you get all these seats together?

MISS PATTY

Honey, I've been here all night.

SOOKIE

You're kidding. Why?

MISS PATTY

58 seats and 62 Koreans? Please. [holding a bag] Carrot sticks?

LANE

God, look at me. I look like a bride.

RORY

[giggling] You are a bride.

LANE

I feel so weird.

RORY

I want a picture.

LANE

Of me feeling weird?

RORY

No, of me standing next to you while you're feeling weird. [sets up the camera on a bench on auto.]

MRS KIM

Everything all right?

RORY

Uh, yeah, Mrs. Kim. Everything's fine.

MRS KIM

Hmm. The dress looks different.

LANE

Really? Does it? Everything looks different through the eyes of a bride.

MRS KIM

Rory, can you excuse us a moment?

RORY

Sure. I'll be right outside.

LANE

Mama, is something wrong? 'Cause the dress...

MRS KIM

Forget the dress. Sit down, please. [They sit] Uh... Lane, I have something very upsetting to talk to you about.

LANE

Oh, what?

MRS KIM

It concerns the wedding night.

LANE

Oh, boy.

MRS KIM

Yes, "oh, boy." Marriage is a job, Lane. There are rewards that come with this job, but there are also sacrifices. There are things you're going to have to do.

LANE

Things?

MRS KIM

Terrible things.

LANE

Mama, you don't have to...

MRS KIM

You need to hear this, you need to know what to expect. It will start early.

LANE

What will?

MRS KIM

The man's expectations. It starts early, at the wedding, actually. At the wedding, you're going to have to kiss him.

LANE

Mama.

MRS KIM

You will then be expected to share a bed tonight and when you're in that bed you're expected to...

LANE

Mama, please.

MRS KIM

You're going to have to do it with this boy, Lane. You're just going to have to do it. Hopefully if you're lucky like me, you'll only have to do it once.

LANE

[Groans]

LORELAI

You know, I remember the day I met Lane. It was Rory's first day of kindergarten, and she insisted on wearing my "Chico and the Man" t-shirt, which I thought would either elicit confused shrugs or label her as a weird '70s-sitcom kid. And we walked in the classroom, and Lane came running up to her and offered to share her crayons with her. And I was so grateful, 'cause I thought even if Lane turned out to be a psycho, bad-seed, serial-killer kid, at least Rory had a friend. Who knew it would turn out to be a lifelong friendship?

CHRISTOPHER

Well there you are there's plenty of time for them to have a stupid fight and them to screw it up.

KOREAN MINISTER 2

Sanrang hanun yoroboon, onul ooriga I-jarieyea moinkusun...

LORELAI

This is the first one of Rory's friends to get married.

CHRISTOPHER

Yeah... You know, Rory could be next.

LORELAI

[Sighs and concerned] Yeah.

MAN

Finally! Finally they did it!

JACKSON

That's just the way I like them, short and in a language I can't understand.

SOOKIE

I thought it was beautiful. What an elegant dress.

LORELAI

Oh, yeah, the dress did look nice, didn't it?

JACKSON

I'm gonna go call the babysitter.

SOOKIE

I'll go with you, [to Lorelai] we have this new babysitter. She's 17, sweet as can be, perfect student, references up the wazoo. She seems absolutely perfect in every way.

LORELAI

Well, she's probably a crackhead.

JACKSON

Thank you. I'm calling right now.

SOOKIE

I'll go with you.

LORELAI

Let's go find the bar.

CHRISTOPHER

Right behind you.

ZACH

It was awesome, man. Just flowed right down to the ground. Major league comfortable There's a reason Buddhists are so peaceful. You have to see it.

GIL

Yeah, I'm just happy to have another married guy around.

ZACH

Hey just 'cause I'm married now doesn't mean we're gonna have any Dr. Phil moments.

GIL

Just wait, my friend, just wait till the first time you don't bring home the dry cleaning.

ZACH

Dude, this is my day. Can we not talk about dry cleaning?

GIL

Absolutely

ZACH

Thank you... This robe, it must be made of silk, 'cause it is so soft.

GIL

Silk, huh? Bet it's hand-wash only.

LORELAI

That definitely was not the bar.

CHRISTOPHER

Maybe it's over there.

LORELAI

No, that's the gift table.

CHRISTOPHER

Did we try behind the church?

LORELAI

Twice. There has to be a bar.

JACKSON

We called Darla, if that is her real name and apparently everything's fine. Hey, where's the bar?

CHRISTOPHER

Just wondering that our selves.

RORY

There you guys are. I was very proud of the lack of heckling coming from your section.

LORELAI

Yeah, yeah, we were real good now, where's the bar?

RORY

Shh, don't say that so loud.

LORELAI

What, no! No way, no bar? Are you kidding?

RORY

Mom.

LORELAI

What they don't have to drink it.

LORELAI

If we can't drink, might as well go get something to eat.

RORY

That food is not for you.

LORELAI

What, hold on, is this the "not married" thing again? Did you tell them I'm engaged? Engaged has got to be worth a sparerib.

JACKSON

What the hell are they doing?

LORELAI

Well, there's something you don't see every day.

LANE

[Korean] Gomawoeyo.

MRS KIM

[Korean] Wa jew shyeo suh gomawoeyo.

LANE

Wow, we just made it.

MRS KIM

Ah, yes. They really cleaned us out. Let's see the bag. [They look inside] Nice haul.

LANE

I can't believe your friends gave me all this money.

MRS KIM

They're good people. They know you're a good girl. Lester Chin probably stiffed you.

LANE

That's okay.

MRS KIM

I can take those checks back home, put them in the safe for you.

LANE

Sure, that'd be great.

MRS KIM

It was a very nice ceremony.

LANE

It was.

MRS KIM

The second one.

LANE

I know.

MRS KIM

Thank you for doing two ceremonies. It was very important to your grandmother.

LANE

It was fun, made my wedding seem a little more special.

MRS KIM

Well, it's good you see it that way... Alright well, all my guests are gone. I'm going home.

LANE

Are you sure?

MRS KIM

Yes, I'm very tired, I'm going to go home and go straight to bed.

LANE

Well okay.

MRS KIM

I'm going to wear earplugs tonight, the good ones that expand in your ears, so I won't be able to hear anything that might be going on out in the street at all hours of the night.

LANE

Thank you, mama, for everything. And look at it this way. You're not losing a daughter. You're gaining a son... [looks over to Zach] who likes to wear a dress.

MRS KIM

He had better make you happy.

LANE

He will.

MRS KIM

Don't let him take pictures in that thing.

KIRK

We're on, boys! [To Zach] Excuse me, where do you want it, sir?

ZACH

Close, dude, really, really close.

KIRK

Roger, wilco. Drop it and stack it, boys.

LORELAI

Excuse me. Hold on a second. There's something wrong with your dress here. Let me just, got it.

ZACH

[Excited] Yes! My wife's got legs! So, let's get this party started! [Cheering]

LYRICS

Once I had a love, and it was a gas soon turned out had a heart of glass seemed like the real thing, only to find...

RORY

Two manhattans, extra cherries.

KIRK

Excuse me, Rory.

RORY

Yeah, Kirk?

KIRK

I have to ask you something. Do you think he's yummy enough?

RORY

Who?

KIRK

Troy.

RORY

The bartender?

KIRK

Yes. See, I put this company together for the sole purpose of bringing truly yummy bartenders to the lonely women of stars hollow, but they really have to be yummy. I'm talking mouth-watering, tasty morsels of manhood, which, by the way, was the original name of the business, but it was already taken by a firm in Woodbridge.

RORY

Really

KIRK

Yeah, now, when I first met troy, I thought he was the epitome of yummy, you know? But now I see him in the moonlight, I'm not so sure.

RORY

Oh, I wouldn't worry about it, Kirk. I think Troy's plenty yummy.

KIRK

You do?

RORY

Yeah, I really do... Can I go now?

KIRK

Yes, thank you. Enjoy your evening.

LORELAI

Yes, hi. Is Sookie or Jackson there? No. All right. Well, just tell them Lorelai called. Thank you.

JACKSON

Well.

LORELAI

She didn't sound drunk at all.

JACKSON

But she sounded like there was a guy there, right?

LORELAI

No.

JACKSON

What about a pimp did you hear a pimp?

LORELAI

Yes I heard a pimp, but he sounded like he had a heart of gold. I don't understand. She's too perfect.

RORY

Who's too perfect?

LORELAI

You are. Ooh extra cherries, cheers.

RORY

Cheers.

LORELAI

Rory, your father has something he wants to tell you.

CHRISTOPHER

Yes, I just want to apologize for my Sidekick stalking. I realize now that I have a problem.

LORELAI

Which is the first step to recovery. The second step is that he's now given the Sidekick to me.

RORY

No.

LORELAI

Yes!

RORY

That's worse.

LORELAI

[pretending to use one] "Hi, Rory. What are you doing? What are you wearing? What are you thinking? What about now? Do you miss me? Do you think I'm pretty? Where do babies come from?"

CHRISTOPHER

Thanks a lot, mister.

LANE

Hi.

SOOKIE

Hello there.

JACKSON

Kudos on the hot dogs, by the way.

LANE

Zach's idea.

ZACH

Lane came up with the fries though.

LORELAI

You are so perfect together.

SOOKIE

You having fun?

LANE

Yes, a little too much fun.

ZACH

We actually thought we should make the rounds before we're too toasted to remember who you are. [pointing to Chris] Who are you?

RORY

Zach, this is my dad, Christopher, this is Zach.

CHRISTOPHER

Congratulations, man. Nice weddings.

ZACH

Thank dude.

RORY

Hey I want to take a picture of everyone with Lane and Zach.

LORELAI

Oh, god, I hate the paparazzi.

RORY

Come on get in the picture, say "cheese."

EVERYONE

Cheese!

RORY

Thanks you.

LANE

Okay. We should go. We have six more tables to hit. If we forget to say it later, we are really glad you came.

ZACH

Later.

LORELAI

Bye.

CHRISTOPHER

I'm out.

LORELAI

Let me see the picture.

RORY

No, you'll delete it.

LORELAI

Not if is it's good.

RORY

You erase every picture I take of you.

LORELAI

No, only the ones where I look like Rhoda.

RORY

You never look like Rhoda.

LORELAI

Occasional I look like Rhoda.

RORY

Fine, here.

LORELAI

Wow, you have a lot of pictures.

RORY

I like proof, okay?

LORELAI

Wait, go back.

RORY

What.

LORELAI

Flip back. Who's that?

RORY

That's me with April.

LORELAI

[Surprised] Oh. When did you meet April?

RORY

Um, when I went to Philadelphia for Jess' open house.

LORELAI

Jess? Philadelphia? What am I missing here?

RORY

Nothing. Jess' work had an open house, I was invited, and I went and Luke showed up there with April. It was a total fluke.

LORELAI

God, I didn't know you were seeing jess.

RORY

Well, I'm not seeing him. We're just friends.

LORELAI

Does Logan know you went to see Jess?

RORY

No, Logan was in Costa Rica.

LORELAI

Huh.

RORY

I swear, nothing happened there.

LORELAI

Okay. Met April, took a picture together like you're pals.

RORY

I swear, mom, it was a crazy coincidence. I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I just... I felt so weird about it.

LORELAI

Oh, sure, I get it.

RORY

Look it's not like Luke was trying to introduce her to me. I walked in, they were there.

LORELAI

Yeah, right. Okay, fluke.

RORY

Are you okay?

LORELAI

I'm fine. I'm gonna get another drink. Do you want anything? [She shakes her head] Okay, I'll be right back. [Rory looks sad]

ZACH

What's up, stars hollow? Who likes my robe? [Cheers and applause] Thanks. I'm liking it myself. Okay, tonight is not only the night I married the coolest girl on the planet. It is also the world premiere of the newly reunited Hep Alien. [Cheers and applause] It feels great to be back. [Cheers and applause continue as he goes to Lane and they kiss.] Zach starts to sing "I'm a believer".

LYRICS

I thought love was only true in fairy tales meant for someone else but not for me love was out to get me that's the way it seemed disappointment haunted all of my dreams and then I saw her face now I'm a believer not a trace of doubt in my mind I'm in love, ooh I'm a believer, I couldn't leave her if I tried

LULU

Kirk, I swear, nothing happened!

KIRK

I know what I saw! He put fruit in your drink, lots of fruit!

LULU

I asked him for the fruit. I was hungry.

KIRK

Attention, partygoers and revelers, as I have just recently fired all of the yummy bartenders, from now on, the bar is serve-yourself.

LULU

Kirk!

KIRK

Too yummy! Way too yummy!

LULU

Kirk this is crazy.

CHRISTOPHER

Boy, I tell you, if you have to get married, this is the way to do it.

RORY

"Have to get married"? Oh, my, so cynical and jaded.

CHRISTOPHER

Well, we can't all be cool like Zach.

RORY

I think they're really happy.

CHRISTOPHER

Good that's the way it's supposed to be. I'm glad I came to this thing tonight.

RORY

Me to.

CHRISTOPHER

So, where's Logan?

RORY

Oh, uh, he's in Costa Rica.

CHRISTOPHER

Costa Rica? Work, play?

RORY

Play, always play.

CHRISTOPHER

Really what's he doing?

RORY

Oh, he's gonna jump off something and raft down somewhere, climb up a thing, swing around on a vine, stuff like that.

CHRISTOPHER

Listen, I want you to know that I like him. I like him, and I like you, and I like you and him together.

RORY

Well, good.

CHRISTOPHER

I just want you to know that I approve.

RORY

Dad, it's not like we're getting married.

CHRISTOPHER

But if that changes, I just want you to know...

RORY

That you approve.

CHRISTOPHER

Yes. [Both chuckle] You know, it's been a while since I partied like this, I used to be much better at it.

RORY

Well, maybe Logan can give you some tips when he gets back.

BRIAN

Hi. I'm Brian Fuller, bass player for Hep Alien and best man. All right, I want to say a few words about Zach. I've known Zach for most of my life. I've been his roommate and friend, and I just have to say, I think Lane has something very, very wrong with her.

ZACH

Boo!

RORY

Time for the toast. Excuse me a minute.

CHRISTOPHER

Absolutely.

LORELAI

[Walks up with a tray] We are doing shots.

CHRISTOPHER

For 20, apparently.

LORELAI

Pass the salt.

CHRISTOPHER

Uh, you know, I'm a respectable man, Lorelai, an upstanding citizen, I'm a father.

LORELAI

I know. This is how you became one.

CHRISTOPHER

Well, you got me there.

BRIAN

In closing, Lane, if you ever want to see a picture of Zach trying to shove 14 ping-pong balls in his mouth, I have it. To Lane and Zach, may they stay together forever... otherwise, Hep Alien is screwed.

CROWD

To Lane and Zach!

LORELAI

To Lane and Zach!

CHRISTOPHER

To Lane and Zach!

LANE

Great toast, Bri.

ZACH

Yes, excellent. Seriously, dude, I need those pictures back.

RORY

Hi, everyone, I'm Rory Gilmore. I'm the maid of honor.

LORELAI

To Rory!

CHRISTOPHER

To Rory!

RORY

I'm not one for speeches, and I don't have any incriminating pictures of Lane, but I do have this letter.

CROWD

Ooh!

RORY

This letter was written in 1995 by one Lane Kim. It was slipped into my hands during a spelling test in Miss Mellon's class. I was so shocked by its contents that I missed the word automobile -- o-t-t-o-mobile. [Zach is thinking about the spelling] That's right, Lane. I remember. I will now share with you the contents of this letter. "Dear Rory, how was your lunch? "Mine was bad. Did you have ham again? "If you did, I am sorry, but mine was worse. "I thought you should know that today at recess "I decided that I'm going to marry Alex Backus. "He has a very nice head, "and his ears don't stick out like Ronnie Winston's do. "I will love him forever, no matter what. See you at brownies. Love, Lane." I'm sorry Lane I just thought that Zach should know that in your heart, he will always be second place to Alex Backus and his well-proportioned ears.

LANE

It's true.

LORELAI

Come on, you're behind. [Still Drinking]

CHRISTOPHER

Oh, I'm gonna sit this one out.

LORELAI

Well that's fun.

RORY

But the bottom line is, I love you, Lane. Congratulations. To the bride and groom.

LORELAI

To the bride and groom!

CHRISTOPHER

Bride and groom! [They take another shot] Where you going?

LORELAI

I want to give a toast.

RORY

[Hugging Lane] Congratulations.

LORELAI

[Sounding drunk] Hello. Everybody, hello. Some of you know me as Lorelai Gilmore, and some of you know me as Cher. But either way, I wanted to say a few words about our girl. I have known Lane forever, and I'm just so incredibly happy that she has gotten married. I mean, I am just so happy that this adorable 22-year-old girl has gotten married, because it's amazing, you know? It's really hard to get married. Believe me, I should know. [Rory looks on worried and looks to Chris, who is also worried.] I mean, seriously, because Lane is married, and next thing, it'll be my daughter, and then my granddaughter, but not me. I'm not getting married. No, it ain't for me. It's not in the cards. But, hey, do you know what date I'm not getting married? June 3rd. [Rory getting more worried] Do not save the date. Do you hear me? Do whatever you want on June 3rd, because there's nothing at all happening on that day. If there's anything you need to book or anything, it's totally safe to book it on June 3rd. [Chris gets up and goes to Rory] So, congratulations, Lane and Zach. Who else here had eight shots of Tequila? Anybody? Hands... no? Oh, my gosh, who misses the yummy bartenders? I know, me too. They were so great. I was gonna ask them to not work on June 3rd on my not wedding. I just thought that would be so fun. [Chris and Rory come on stage] Hi, Chris. Hi, Rory.

RORY

How about some coffee?

LORELAI

What? Okay. Well, I guess we're going over here.

ZACH

Totally perfect wedding. [Lane and Zach kiss]

RORY

Get her over to the couch.

CHRISTOPHER

Man, I must say, when your mom does something, she commits.

RORY

Just prop her up. I'm gonna make some coffee.

CHRISTOPHER

You know hon, if the two gallons we poured down her throat at the wedding didn't do anything, I'm not sure what two more cups will.

RORY

Hey no one knows how to wrangle the powers of coffee like a Gilmore. Just prop her up. She hates to get pillow face.

CHRISTOPHER

Pillow face. Got it.

RORY

[cell phone rings] Hello?

RORY

Logan's hurt.

CHRISTOPHER

What, what do you mean? Is he all right?

RORY

I don't know. That was Colin and the line was bad. Something happened on their trip. They're airlifting him to a hospital in New York.

CHRISTOPHER

Oh boy!

RORY

I got to go. I want to be there when he arrives.

CHRISTOPHER

Yes, go. I can take care of your mom.

RORY

Leave her a note that I'll call her from the hospital.

CHRISTOPHER

I will. Go. [Sighs] All right, Calamity Jane, let's get you to bed.

LORELAI

[Groans] No.

CHRISTOPHER

Yes.

LORELAI

[Half asleep] Hello?... Hi. What time is it? [Sighs] Yeah. I, uh... um... [Sees Chris] no, Luke, it's fine. I'm glad you called. [Sighs] Uh-huh. [Sighs and waves to Chris as he leaves.] Yep, the wedding was great. She looked beautiful.