T6E20: “Super Cool Party People”

LORELAI

Is there something long and sharp sticking out of my head?

SOOKIE

No.

LORELAI

I want there to be. There's an effect. I need a cause.

SOOKIE

The cause was 10 giant shots of Tequila, sweetie.

LORELAI

It makes me woozy just hearing that.

SOOKIE

That's the price you pay for being the hit of Lane's wedding.

LORELAI

Hit? I was a raving lunatic. And that toast... [A pan bangs on the counter] Oh, my god! Loudest sound ever.

FRED

Sorry.

SOOKIE

Don't worry about the toast. And you weren't a lunatic. You were a character. What is Stars Hollow if not a haven for colorful characters? I mean you're not up there with Stevie the pantsless Santa Claus or Jojo the cow whisperer, but you made some strides.

LORELAI

Is this supposed to be a consolation? [More pan bangs] That's twice in 20 seconds, Fred.

FRED

Sorry.

SOOKIE

I've seen you wasted before but never like this. I mean we had you guzzling coffee, but coffee was making you energetically wasted.

LORELAI

I should borrow the reception video to see what a fool I made out of myself.

SOOKIE

And check out your audition.

LORELAI

My what? [Bangs the pans again] You want a piece of me, omelet boy?

SOOKIE

Fred why don't you let the vegetables simmer for a while? I'll look after them.

FRED

Sure, Sookie.

LORELAI

Sorry, Fred. I'm not myself this morning. [Small Laugh] So, now, what did I do in front of the camera?

SOOKIE

Well when you spotted the videographer, you got suddenly very excited to film your audition tape for "America's Next Top Model."

LORELAI

Oh, my god!

SOOKIE

Yeah.

LORELAI

I thought that was a dream.

SOOKIE

It wasn't.

LORELAI

The posing, the strutting, the inappropriate gyrating?

SOOKIE

All caught on video and several of Zach's buddies' camera phones.

LORELAI

Why didn't you stop me?

SOOKIE

I tried, we all tried, but you were on a mission. You kept saying, "I'm not here to make friends. I want to win." And then after that...

LORELAI

There's an "after that"?

SOOKIE

You tried to start a limbo contest, a poker game, and a secret club for “supercool party people“ only. None of those really you know took off, especially the limbo, considering your choice of limbo stick was Zach's ...

LORELAI AND SOOKIE

[Together] Great-uncle's cane.

LORELAI

Oh, yeah, is he okay?

SOOKIE

He stumbled, but we caught him. He's fine.

LORELAI

So, is that all? Anything else I need to know about?

SOOKIE

Nope, after you crowned yourself Arm-Wrestling Champion of the world, Christopher and Rory scooped you up and got you home. He got you in bed okay?

LORELAI

Christopher? Yeah. Well he and Rory.

SOOKIE

He's very "knight in shining armor," very chivalrous.

LORELAI

That's him... So um, is there anything else I did that I need to know about? I want to be fully informed.

SOOKIE

I told you everything.

LORELAI

Good! Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go and be nauseous out front for a while.

SOOKIE

Excellent. [Chant] Supercool party people bid you supercool adieu! [Lorelai looks at Sookie] That's how you were saying goodbye to people.

LORELAI

Super.

RORY

Excuse me, I'm looking for Logan Huntzberger, he's... [Nurse point Rory to someone else] Excuse me, can you help me find Logan...

NURSE 1

Sorry, this isn't my floor.

RORY

Excuse me, can someone here help me find Logan Huntzberger?

NURSE 2

He was just transferred out of the I.C.U., Room 713.

RORY

How is he?

NURSE 2

Are you family?

RORY

I'm his girlfriend.

NURSE 2

All I can tell you is that he's not conscious right now and that he's in serious but stable condition.

RORY

What does that mean, "serious but stable"?

NURSE 2

Just what it says.

RORY

But is it more serious or stable? Which way is it leaning?

NURSE 2

I'm sorry I can only release more information to family members.

RORY

But I'm his girlfriend. We've been together a long time. It's not a casual thing. We live together.

NURSE 2

Sorry.

WOMAN ON P.A.

Dr. Morris, dial 182, please. Dr. Morris, please dial...

RORY

How is he? Is he okay?

FINN

Scuttlebutt is he's not dead.

COLIN

The man is indestructible.

FINN

Dives headfirst off the cliffs of caldera, instantly spins out of control.

COLIN

Gets totally disoriented, barely gets his chute open.

FINN

Bounces off every rock and crag in the park.

COLIN

Yet still manages to stick the landing.

FINN

We gave him a 9.7.

COLIN

Had to deduct .3 for all the screaming and bleeding.

RORY

What about his family, did you talk to them?

COLIN

Honor is on her honeymoon in Mykonos, trying to get back, and Logan's mom checked herself into some sort of spa in Arizona the moment she heard.

FINN

When the going gets tough, the tough get hot-rock massages.

RORY

What about Mitchum?

FINN

The “Dark Lord” we left word but haven't heard anything.

COLIN

But we've come up with a plan to get around the whole "family only gets information" thing. We're adopting him.

RORY

What?

FINN

[Joking] Logan will make a fine son.

COLIN

Of course, first we must be married.

FINN

Naturally, darling. I'm very old-fashioned.

COLIN

And even then, adopting as a gay couple is never easy.

FINN

We just want to give love.

COLIN

Oh, Finn.

FINN

Oh, buttercup.

RORY

What the hell is wrong with you two? Your best friend is lying unconscious in a hospital, and you don't even care.

FINN

[Taken back] Rory...

RORY

Why the hell aren't you two lying unconscious in there, huh?

COLIN

[Quite] Come on...

RORY

You don't care, because if you did, you wouldn't be like this. You couldn't. You're supposed have his back you're supposed to watch out for each other on these stupid trips of yours. But no, everything's a big joke. Everything's hilarious. You're useless. Just go home. Both of you, go home. I can't stand to look at you.

RORY

Hi.

DR SCHULTZ

Hello.

RORY

I'm Rory Gilmore. I'm his girlfriend.

DR SCHULTZ

I'm Dr. Schultz.

RORY

Um, how is he? Is he gonna be okay?

DR SCHULTZ

I'm sorry, but I really can't get into the specifics.

RORY

But, well, he's out of the I.C.U., So that's good, right? They wouldn't have moved him up here unless he was recovering.

DR SCHULTZ

Sorry, really.

RORY

But he's had surgery, right? Does he need more surgery? Does he have broken bones, because I can donate blood if you want.

DR SCHULTZ

Miss.

RORY

You really, you can't tell me anything about what he has or what you've done or what's wrong, anything?

DR SCHULTZ

I'm sorry. It's hospital policy. We're doing everything we can.

RORY

Okay.

TROUBADOUR

[Singing] A million hearts, a million minds have lived and died in 40 years prayed for yourself and for your memories be thankful we've had 40 years

CAESAR

[Too a customer] I will get that for you in two shakes of a lamb's tale.

LUKE

Caesar, why am I still finding bananas in the fridge?

CAESAR

Oh you wanted me to take all the bananas out of the fridge?

LUKE

When I said, "remove the bananas," I was referring to all the bananas. Otherwise, I would have said “a banana” or "some of the bananas."

CAESAR

Hmm.

LUKE

What?

CAESAR

It's just that while I was running the place, that was one of my innovations, cold bananas. People really love them.

LUKE

I highly doubt that. [pointing] And get rid of those scones.

CAESAR

You know that's something else I wanted to talk to you about, Luke.

LUKE

What?

CAESAR

See your attitude. While I was running the place, people really responded to my sunny demeanor. Customers find you cold and distant. Service with a smile, it's a cliché for a reason.

LUKE

Yeah, look, Caesar, I don't want to improve things, and I don't want to stop being cold to customers. I want you to keep my damn bananas out of the damn fridge, and I want to keep my damn doughnuts in the damn doughnut case. Can you do that for me!

CAESAR

Of course, Luke.

LUKE

Thank you.

CAESAR

Customers don't care for gratuitous profanity, either.

LUKE

Ahh. Thank god, someone sane. [the huge and kiss]

LORELAI

Hello, weary traveler.

LUKE

It's good to be back.

LORELAI

You look older, wiser.

LUKE

Well, I did spend a lot of time squinting at historical documents.

LORELAI

That's what it is, constitution face. [Seeing Miss Patty] I Patty.

LUKE

I brought you something.

LORELAI

Oh, did you steal me the constitution? 'Cause that could be the start of a really dumb movie.

LUKE

It's from Amish country. These little Amish girls handmake them.

LORELAI

Oh, it's adorable. Look, Patty, an Amish voodoo doll.

MISS PATTY

I love it. Hey, Luke, I'm still waiting on my cold banana.

LUKE

We don't serve cold bananas. [To Lorelai] It's not a voodoo doll. It's just a doll the Amish don't put faces on their dolls or pins in them.

LORELAI

Oh, well, it's my doll now. What the Amish don't know won't hurt them. Unless, of course, I want to hurt them.

LUKE

It's yours to do with what you will.

LORELAI

You seem surprisingly rested after all you've been through.

LUKE

Yeah the kids were okay. They seemed to like me, unless they were all lying.

LORELAI

Kids never lie.

LUKE

And April and I finally got into a good rhythm. She was tolerating me pretty good at the end.

LORELAI

Good.

LUKE

And guess what it's her birthday tomorrow, and I'm throwing her a party.

LORELAI

You're kidding. How did that happen?

LUKE

Well I was dropping her off this morning, and her mom mentioned to me that she was taking her to her grandmother's to celebrate, and she couldn't swing a party here with her friends, so I figured I know her friends now. I got a great place to hold a party.

LORELAI

Yeah, where?

LUKE

Here.

LORELAI

Oh.

LUKE

So, anyhow, there you go.

LORELAI

Look at you, diving into fatherhood.

LUKE

I'm doing my best.

LORELAI

So, tomorrow, huh? You prepared for all that?

LUKE

Sure. Why?

LORELAI

Well if you need a consultant, I have thrown some rockin' preteen parties in my time. Of course, I didn't have a deep fryer but...

LUKE

I think I can handle it. I'll put up some decorations. I've ordered some balloons. I got a great cake place. There'll be presents.

LORELAI

All good. I'm just saying that Rory's birthday scavenger hunt of 1998 is still talked about in hushed, reverent tones.

LUKE

Is that the one where all the kids ended up at Taylor's at 11:00 at night stealing stuff out of his fridge?

LORELAI

Shh! Hushed, reverent tones.

LUKE

I've got it all under control. Excuse me. What can I get you, Kirk?

KIRK

How about a steaming cup of chicory coffee?

LUKE

It's not on the menu, Kirk.

KIRK

I know. It's on the sign.

LUKE

[Takes the sign down] That's a mistake.

KIRK

Well, now all I can think about is chicory coffee. I'm very susceptible to signage.

LUKE

Well, come back when you're susceptible to ordering off the menu.[Too Lorelai] You want anything?

LORELAI

How about a nice plate of chicken fingers?

LUKE

Oh. [Takes down the sign] Why don't I start you off with some coffee, hmm?

LORELAI

Uh, no, thanks. I'm kind of coffee'd out.

LUKE

Oh, right. Battling the hangover.

LORELAI

[A little surprised] Oh. Did I mention my hangover?

LUKE

No, patty filled me in, you know. The tequila shots, you taking the mike.

LORELAI

Taking the mike. Uh, yeah. I, um, I really didn't know what I was saying, just empty, meaningless words you know tumbling out of my mouth.

LUKE

I hear you really belted it out.

LORELAI

Belted it out?

LUKE

"Endless love."

MISS PATTY

The song, honey. Ohh... yeah. [Laughing] Oh, yes. I really belted it out. Is there any other way to sing "endless love"? You know if you're not gonna really belt it out, you might as well stay in your seat.

MISS PATTY

She sang it beautifully.

LUKE

Yeah everybody does embarrassing stuff at weddings.

LORELAI

Yeah, right, true.

LUKE

Be right back.

MISS PATTY

Okay, I've already gotten to the whole town, and they're all telling the "endless love" story. He'll never know.

LORELAI

Oh, thanks. I owe you, patty.

MISS PATTY

Oh honey, please. I've given more drunken toasts than Colin Farrell. You owe me nothing.

LORELAI

Thanks, patty. [Playing with the engagement ring]

MISS PATTY

That Luke... It may take a mule team, but you're getting him to the altar someday.

LORELAI

Yeah, someday. [Sighs]

WOMAN ON P.A.

Dr. Valentino to the O.R., Please.

PARIS

What?

RORY

Paris?

PARIS

Larry summers is right, Rory. Our university system is crumbling. Did you know that.

RORY

Paris. I just found out my microbiology final is an open-book exam. Can you believe that? I mean why not just have our professors take it for us? Or better yet, they can just hand us our diplomas the moment we step on campus freshman year, along with some government cheese, a bong, and a t-shirt that says "hard work is for suckers."

RORY

Paris, I'm at the hospital with Logan.

PARIS

Why what happened?

RORY

He and his buddies went on some life and death brigade trip, and they parachuted off a cliff in Costa Rica, and he had a really bad fall.

PARIS

Is he okay?

RORY

I don't know. He's out of the I.C.U., So I guess that's a good thing. They said he's in serious but stable condition, but they won't tell me anything else because I'm not family.

PARIS

Is he breathing on his own?

RORY

Yeah, I mean, I think so.

PARIS

Well what's his pallor? Is he peaked? Was there internal bleeding?

RORY

I have no idea. I quickly scribbled down some things off his chart. Um, you're pre-med can I read it to you, maybe you can make some sense of it.

PARIS

Forget it I don't know how to read charts yet. I can tell you everything you wanna know about the difference between recessive and dominant eye-color genes in fruit flies, but god forbid I learn how to read a chart before I'm a fourth-year surgical resident.

RORY

Great.

PARIS

What hospital is he in?

RORY

Columbia-Presbyterian, Manhattan.

PARIS

Who's the attending?

RORY

Paris it doesn't matter they're not gonna release information to non-family.

PARIS

Just give me the name.

RORY

Dr. Schultz.

PARIS

I'll call you right back.

RORY

Paris.

NURSE

Miss please! [getting mad] That language is certainly not necessary! Hold on. {handing the phone over] Dr. Schultz It's about Logan Huntzberger.

DR SCHULTZ

This is Dr. Schuzltz. No, that's not possible. Well, you wouldn't do that. Listen, miss... fine. Paging dr. Bender. Paging dr. Bender, please. [After a few seconds he hangs up and looks beat.]

RORY

[Rory's cell phone rings] Hello?

PARIS

Here the deal, he was bleeding internally when they brought him in, and they were worried about the oxygen levels in his blood, but he's stabilized now, and they're back up to normal, so that's no longer a concern. He was also running a high fever, so they put him on mondo doses of intravenous antibiotics. He has a partially collapsed lung...

RORY

oh, my god!

PARIS

... Six broken ribs, a broken ankle, torn cartilage in both knees, and a severe concussion. He had surgery for the lung, and that went well. They did a Thoracoscopy, which is a couple of small incisions in the chest. [Rory looks worried] Then they put a tube into the lung to drain the fluid from the pleural space so the lung can re-expand. That's way less invasive than a Thoracotomy. Which is a similar operation but for that one, they have to butterfly you like a shrimp. And that's it.

RORY

So, what does this mean?

PARIS

It means he's out of immediate danger. He's young and healthy and they expect him to make a full recovery.

RORY

Really? Like a full recovery, like he's going to recover fully?

PARIS

That's what the doctor told me. He's need some rehab he won't be running, dancing, or jumping off a cliff anytime soon, but, yeah, he should be fine. He's a very lucky guy. Those guys are idiots.

RORY

Wow

PARIS

Yeah

RORY

Thank you so much for this. Really, Paris, thank you.

PARIS

It was fun. Anything else?

RORY

No, I feel a lot better.

PARIS

Call me if you need anything else.

RORY

I will.

LORELAI

So, you all shopped out?

LUKE

I got a couple more stores in me.

LORELAI

You know you would make the best Sherpa and the hottest. You could move to Nepal, open your own hot-Sherpa shop, and make a fortune.

LUKE

Well this is fun for me. Besides I'd like to think I have some influence on what you buy.

LORELAI

You do?

LUKE

I don't?

LORELAI

Uh, no.

LUKE

Yes, I do.

LORELAI

No, you don't.

LUKE

I do.

LORELAI

You don't.

LUKE

But you're always asking my opinion.

LORELAI

Yeah, but it's the way I ask. "Isn't this adorable?" Or "this isn't right, right?" You know I put your answer right there in the question.

LUKE

Oh.

LORELAI

I will say, I do always like to buy one thing that you like that I don't 'cause I know it makes you happy, like that blouse.

LUKE

You don't like that, I thought you liked that.

LORELAI

Not really, but I liked how much you liked it, so I bought it.

LUKE

Huh.

LORELAI

And I will wear it because I know that every time I do, you'll notice and appreciate it, and that will make me feel so good. And then because I feel so good, I'll start wearing it more and more, and I'll eventually really grow to like it, and I'll forget that I didn't like it in the first place. And holy crap, you've picked out all my favorite clothes.

LUKE

I knew it. [pointing to a window display] Hey what do you think of that?

LORELAI

What?

LUKE

The toiletry kit.

LORELAI

What? And throw away the 5-year-old Dixie cup you use to hold your toothbrush? It's historical.

LUKE

I mean as a birthday present for April.

LORELAI

April who?

LUKE

Come on, it's cute.

LORELAI

Um, yeah. I don't think it's quite right.

LUKE

It's girly. It's got cats on it.

LORELAI

Oh, well, if it's got cats on it...

LUKE

April likes cats.

LORELAI

[small laugh] Yeah, but it's a toiletry kit. It's so hygienic.

LUKE

I saw her use soap on the trip.

LORELAI

Yeah did you see her tie her shoelaces? 'Cause you could get her shoelaces.

LUKE

I think she'll like it.

LORELAI

Luke, it's weird. It says, "happy birthday, now go clean yourself up."

LUKE

If she doesn't like it, I'll get her a follow-up gift.

LORELAI

Why not just get her the perfect gift right up front?

LUKE

Why couldn't that be the perfect gift? You don't know.

LORELAI

I know girls. It's not the right gift. Hey, you know there's a store, a few blocks down that has great stuff. I could take you there and show you 50 things I know she'd like. Some of them may even have cats on them.

LUKE

I think I'm gonna get that.

LORELAI

Come on Luke I can really help you here.

LUKE

I'm not saying you can't, I know you're an expert, but I need to do this.

LORELAI

Then do it. I'm just saying, let me be part of it.

LUKE

No.

LORELAI

Why?

LUKE

Because it's too soon.

LORELAI

Why is it too soon?

LUKE

Because the minute you get involved in her life, it'll be all over for me.

LORELAI

What that's ridiculous.

LUKE

No, it's not ridiculous. You're colorful and funny. You're practically a cartoon character. Kids love you. I wouldn't hang out with me either after meeting you.

LORELAI

Luke!

LUKE

She'll like you better. That is just a fact.

LORELAI

No, you're her dad.

LUKE

Yes, I am her dad, and this is the way I want it to be.

LORELAI

Okay.

LUKE

I'll be a couple of minutes.

LORELAI

[Looking a little mad] I'll be right here.

ANNA

So you have my cell phone if there's any problems?

LUKE

I've got your cell number, your store number, your store fax number, your home numbers. You are 100% reachable.

ANNA

Good.

LUKE

And, hey, thanks again for letting me do this.

ANNA

Oh, please. She's excited about this. Plus, your chaperoning got rave reviews.

LUKE

Really?

ANNA

April said you were the least-embarrassing parent on the trip.

LUKE

Good, that's good, right?

ANNA

It's a rave. Her friends call you Hagrid.

LUKE

Really? Hagrid. Wow. [Clears his throat] I don't know what that means.

ANNA

He's a character from "Harry Potter", very big, very hairy, very lovable. It's a huge compliment.

LUKE

Oh I will take your word for it.

ANNA

So, I'm gonna go now. Have fun, and I'll talk to you later tonight.

LUKE

Will do.

ANNA

I'm going, April.

APRIL

[Busy with her friends] Yeah, yeah, bye, mom.

ANNA

That was from the heart.

LUKE

Totally. [They both laugh]

ANNA

Bye again. And the diner looks really great. I was here when you opened it, remember?

LUKE

I remember.

ANNA

Bye.

LUKE

Okay, can I get everyone's attention for a moment here? Just go ahead and pull your chairs around so everyone can see me.

GIRL 1

Is this a game?

LUKE

No, no games right now. Just gather. All right, I'm Luke. Some of you know me. I'm April's dad. [Cheers and applause form the girls.] So, um, before we get the party started, I just wanted to lay down some ground rules, some simple dos and don'ts. so that everybody has a good time and goes home in one piece. Okay. [Clears throat ] So, this is the party area. You are to remain in the party area at all times. The kitchen is strictly off limits. Under no circumstances are you to enter the kitchen. It's incredibly dangerous back there. [The girls look a little worried] One turn of the wrong dial, you could burn your face off. And I've got so many knives back there, you so much as trip, you could lose an arm. You could chop off a bunch off fingers. You could poke out an eye. And do not go upstairs. That is not part of the party area. Everyone must remain in the party area at all times. And finally, do not go outside. I will not give anybody permission to go outside, okay? Are we clear?

GIRLS

All right. Yes, sir.

LUKE

Then that's all I've got. So have fun.

APRIL

Uh-huh.

GIRLS

[Asking April] Is he serious?

LORELAI

Is that our website?

MICHEL

It is.

LORELAI

What happened to it?

MICHEL

I made some modifications.

LORELAI

It's just a big picture of you.

MICHEL

Well I figured since I'm the one who put the website together and I'm the one continuously updating the website, then I should be featured prominently on the website.

LORELAI

Featured? Sure. But where's the inn? All I see is your face.

MICHEL

Aha! But if you want to hear about the inn, you click on my mouth. And if you want pictures of the inn, you click on my eyes. And if you want to post something about the inn, you click on my ears. Clever, no?

LORELAI

You want to argue about this now or later?

MICHEL

Later. I'm having too much fun.

LORELAI

[cell phone rings] Hello.

RORY

It's me.

LORELAI

Hey, how is he?

RORY

Well, I'm told he's going to be fine, but he looks awful, and he's been unconscious the whole time I've been here. It's really scary.

LORELAI

What happened?

RORY

He basically jumped off a cliff, and his parachute barely opened.

LORELAI

Oh my God!

RORY

Yeah, he has six broken ribs, a collapsed lung, a broken ankle, contusions over 1/3 of his body, and a concussion.

LORELAI

Wow, who else is there? What other family?

RORY

Well Colin and Finn were here, but none of his family's here.

LORELAI

How did you get all that information? I thought they only allowed family members to...

RORY

Paris.

LORELAI

God love her.

RORY

I'm sorry I didn't call sooner. I got you messages I've just been so overwhelmed.

LORELAI

I'm just glad to hear from you. Is there anything I can do, anything you need? It's been a while since I've sent out a care package. You could be up to your eyeballs in mad libs, silly string, malted milk balls.

RORY

No, I'm good. Colin and Finn went back to new haven to get some stuff for me. And I think I'm just gonna hang out here for a while.

NURSE

Logan is awake if you want to see him.

RORY

Oh mom, Logan's awake.

LORELAI

Okay call me if there's anything you need.

RORY

Thanks bye.

LORELAI

Bye.

WOMAN ON P.A.

Dr. Morris, dial 102, please.

RORY

Hey.

LOGAN

Hey.

RORY

You're awake.

LOGAN

Or hallucinating, pretty good hallucination.

RORY

Oh, you're awake.

LOGAN

I must look like crap.

RORY

Now I know why you never let me see you without makeup.

LOGAN

I guess maybe base jumping with very little preparation wasn't the hottest idea.

RORY

You're gonna be fine, you're gonna make a full recovery.

LOGAN

Hey Robocop made a full recovery. Look where that led him.

RORY

This is the best hospital in the city, and the best hospital in New York city is basically the best hospital in the country, and that's basically the best hospital in the world, so all in all, you're in the best place you could be, all things considered.

LOGAN

[Groans]

RORY

Hey, what do you think you're doing? Lay down.

LOGAN

[Sighs] I'm really sorry about this.

RORY

It's okay.

LOGAN

No, it's not okay. I was showing off. I knew it wasn't safe from that cliff. I was so drunk, I was lucky I pulled my chute at all.

RORY

But you're going to be fine, and I will be here as long as you want me to be. I've located the gift shop and the good cafeteria, "good" being a relative term, and the maternity ward, in case I want to play a little practical joke, swap the newborns around.

LOGAN

What about the paper, school?

RORY

I have my laptop. I can stay on top of my schoolwork. And Bill can run the paper for a while.

LOGAN

I don't want you to fall behind, miss too many classes. You already have more than enough to do without having to see me...

RORY

Shh. Logan, just relax. Get some rest. I'll be here.

LOGAN

I'm glad.

LUKE

So, how we doing? We having fun?

GIRL

[very quite] Yeah.

APRIL

Marcia, you have to discard.

MARCIA

I know, but you only need one card, and I don't want to give it to you.

APRIL

What makes you think I only need one card?

MARCIA

Oh please you pick up a card and discard like every half-second. It's so obvious.

APRIL

Well, it's my birthday. Why don't you just give me the stupid card I want?

LUKE

Hey, how do you think the temperature is?

APRIL

It's fine, I guess.

LUKE

Are you cold? Maybe it's too cold in here. How many people are cold, huh? Anyone too warm? Okay, well, good to know.

LAURA

Luke.

LUKE

Yeah.

LAURA

can I go to the bathroom?

LUKE

Of course. You don't have to ask permission to go to the bathroom.

LAURA

But it's in the restricted area. I could lose a finger.

LUKE

Oh well, the bathroom is not part of the restricted area. I didn't mean to include that. Does anyone else have to go to the bathroom? [They all raise there hands] Ah, well, all right. Well, let's line up, okay? You can use the bathroom one at a time. Laura, you first.

LAURA

Thank you.

LUKE

Uh, I'll be right out. I just have to check on something in the back.

LORELAI

[Phone rings] Mmrr [She answers the phone] Dragonfly inn.

LUKE

It's a disaster.

LORELAI

What?

LUKE

The party, it's a total disaster.

LORELAI

[sounding excited almost pleased] A disaster, why?

LUKE

Nothing is happening it's like a funeral hall in there. I didn't know 13-year-old girls could be so unhappy.

LORELAI

Where are you? I don't hear anything.

LUKE

I'm in the storage room. I come in here and hide a lot.

LORELAI

And leaving them unsupervised?

LUKE

Well, there's a peephole here I can see out of.

LORELAI

You're peeping at the girls from the storage room?

LUKE

I do not have time for any weird jokes.

LORELAI

Okay what are they doing?

LUKE

[Goes back to the peep hole] Well, April was playing cards. Some of the others were reading and playing video games. At the moment, they're all just waiting to go to the bathroom.

LORELAI

You didn't plan any activities?

LUKE

It's a birthday party. I thought that was the activity.

LORELAI

Oh, Luke.

LUKE

Is it normal for kids to fall asleep at a birthday party?

LORELAI

Luke listen are you listening?

LUKE

Yes.

LORELAI

Go upstairs and get your clock radio.

LUKE

Why, so we can watch the minutes of the world's worst birthday party tick off one by one?

LORELAI

No, go get it, bring it downstairs and put on some music, KC101. I'll be right over.

LUKE

[sounding a little panicked] You're coming here?

LORELAI

Just stall for time, I have some things to finish up, and then I'll come over, if it's okay?

LUKE

What!

LORELAI

Is it okay that I come over?

LUKE

Yes, Lorelai, come! Hurry!

LORELAI

Okay, I'll hurry.

LUKE

Hurry faster or they might start leaving.

LORELAI

Okay, bye.

LORELAI

Hey.

LUKE

So, it got worse after we hung up.

LORELAI

You get the radio?

LUKE

No I forgot the radio part was broken, and the buzzer alarm went off at one point. There was a slight up tick in the mood but that didn't last long. I think it's too late.

LORELAI

It's not too late.

LUKE

I swear I heard the word "mutiny" bandied around in their.

LORELAI

It's not too late. Let's get in there.

LUKE

But where's the stuff?

LORELAI

What stuff?

LUKE

The party stuff.

LORELAI

Oh, my god, I left the circus elephants in my car, and I didn't crack a window.

LUKE

But seriously where's the party stuff?

LORELAI

Come on follow my lead.

LORELAI

Hey, everybody. I'm Lorelai Gilmore. Thank you so much for your patience. I'm really glad you guys waited to start the party until I got here.

LUKE

Oh, um, that's okay, Lorelai. We didn't mind, right, girls?

LORELAI

Great. Okay, let's get this party started. Where's the birthday girl?

APRIL

Here.

LORELAI

April Nardini, front and center. You know, I met you briefly. You were filling salt and pepper shakers.

APRIL

I remember you were dressed in all black, and you had really blue eyes. They aren't quite as blue today. But I think that's just the light thing.

LORELAI

These irises are all natural, baby. All right, everybody, line up single file behind us.

APRIL

We already went to the bathroom.

LORELAI

Oh I know this is going to be so much better, now take the hand of the person in front of you and the person in back of you. Luke, you pull up the rear. I'll take the lead.

LUKE

Sure, what is this?

LORELAI

Just follow me, everybody. No matter what, do not let go of either hand.

GIRL 1

We're not allowed to go outside.

GIRL 2

Or in the kitchen.

GIRL 3

Or anywhere else.

LORELAI

What?

LUKE

You are now, girls. We got new rules.

APRIL

Should we bring our stuff?

LORELAI

No, leave it. We'll be back.

LUKE

Alright everybody try to walk at the same pace. You step on somebody's heels, you could break an ankle. And watch out for the traffic, not just cars, but bikes. People in this town ride their bikes like maniacs.

LORELAI

Luke!

LUKE

Sorry.

LORELAI

Oh, check for traffic. Always check. And go!

GIRL 1

Where are we going?

GIRL 2

No idea!

LORELAI

Serpentine, girls, serpentine.

LUKE

Is this wise to serpentine?

LORELAI

No!

GIRLS

[Giggling ]

LESLIE

Hi, Lorelai.

ALISON

Hi.

LORELAI

Hi

LORELAI

Ah, alright, I'd like you to meet the birthday girl.

ALISON

Hi, April.

LESLIE

Happy birthday.

APRIL

Hello.

LESLIE

You are adorable.

LORELAI

Alright girls I want you each to take a basket and fill it up. I want you to pick anything you want because today we're getting makeovers.

GIRLS

[Screaming]

LORELAI

These two ladies are here to help you in any way you need. That's Alison and Leslie.

GIRLS

[Wave and say “Hi”]

LORELAI

On your mark, get set, and shop!

GIRLS

[Giggling as the girls start to fill there baskets.]

LUKE

You're a genius.

LORELAI

Well 13-year-old girls and makeup, it's like betting on secretariat.

LUKE

Never in a million years would I have thought of something like this.

LORELAI

That's why I'm the Yin to your Yang, the Emack to your Bolio. [Too the girls] Hey, who wants hot-pink highlights?

GIRLS

Oh, me!

RORY

I hate that you're cutting your honeymoon short.

HONOR

It okay, with mom flaking out, I don't want to be here anymore. We've got seats on a flight tonight, but it's got a 5-hour layover, in Ankara so we're trying to find something more direct. Either way we should be there sometime tomorrow night.

RORY

Okay. So, have you heard anything more from your dad?

HONOR

Yeah, I just talked to him.

RORY

Is he coming down here?

HONOR

Nope.

RORY

He's out of town, too?

HONOR

No, he's home. He's just not coming.

RORY

What?

HONOR

It's the life and death brigade thing. He's very against it.

RORY

But he was in the life and death brigade.

HONOR

Yes, but he feels that he knew when to grow up and accept responsibility and that Logan doesn't. He wanted his precious boy done with that by now, so he's boycotting.

RORY

He's boycotting his injured son? Logan had emergency surgery.

HONOR

Hypocrisy runs very deep in the Huntzberger family. Anyhow, forget it. I'm sure Logan isn't expecting him. Okay so, I'll call later when I have more flight information.

RORY

Okay, bye.

WOMAN ON P.A.

Dr. Davis, telephone, please. Dr. Davis, telephone, please.

RORY

Mitchum Huntzberger? Yes, it's Rory Gilmore. I just thought I'd call and remind you that Logan is lying in a hospital bed with a partially collapsed lung and a whole host of other potentially life-threatening injuries. And I'm figuring a guy like you, surrounded by nothing but a bunch of terrified sycophants might not have someone in his life with the guts to tell him what an incredibly selfish, narcissistic ass he's being, so I thought I'd jump on in. Swallow your pride, get in your car, and come down here and see your son, now!

LORELAI

That looks excellent. [Gasps] Marcia, fabulous. You look like Sophia Loren.

MARCIA

I was going for Vanessa Minnillo on MTV.

LORELAI

Ah, I love her music.

MARCIA

She's a V.J.

LORELAI

No well you didn't let me finish I love her music-video introductions. You know She's so smooth and classy. Luke, more chips here.

LUKE

Coming.

GIRL

Lorelai, check this out.

LORELAI

Ooh, cool. Your eyes have eyes.

GIRL

Freaky right.

LORELAI

Yes you could fall asleep in class, and no one would know.

APRIL

Lorelai.

LORELAI

Oh, April, you look beautiful.

APRIL

Leslie says I have excellent bone structure.

LORELAI

Yes well, I agree with her.

APRIL

So it's not weird when someone compliments your skull?

LORELAI

A woman takes any compliment that comes her way.

APRIL

Got it, hey did you do that glitter heart on your cheek?

LORELAI

Happens to be my handiwork yeah you want one?

APRIL

Yes.

LORELAI

All right, sit, sit. Ah what color would you like, pink, blue, purple, florescent green?

APRIL

Purple I'm obsessed with purple, probably because I'm obsessed with "Harold and the Purple Crayon."

LORELAI

Hum.

APRIL

I know I'm too old, but it's still one of my all-time-favorite books.

LORELAI

That's okay I'm too old for us weekly. It never stopped me.

APRIL

So, you have a daughter, right?

LORELAI

Yes, Rory.

APRIL

That's good. You'd be wasted on a son.

LORELAI

I'm gonna take that as a compliment.

APRIL

It is. You know you remind me of my mom.

LORELAI

Is she handy with the glitter?

APRIL

She painted a mural on my wall in nail polish one night.

LORELAI

That's cool.

APRIL

I think you'd like her.

LORELAI

All right, you're all done.

APRIL

Thanks.

APRIL

Oh my God that is so cool, I love it. Thanks, Marcia.

MARCIA

Your welcome.

LORELAI

She's loving her presents.

LUKE

I know.

APRIL

Okay, how about this one?

GIRL 1

It's from your dad.

GIRL 2

Yeah, open it.

LUKE

[Sounding a little panicked] You know, you don't have to open up all your presents right away. You could maybe save a few and open them tomorrow, sort of extend the experience.

GIRL 3

Bad idea, Hagrid.

APRIL

I don't want to extend the experience.

LUKE

Wait, is that my gift?

LORELAI

It says it's from Luke.

APRIL

The new "way things work." I was gonna get this. And a gift certificate to the discovery store. Thanks, Luke! I love it! [She gets up and hugs Luke] Thank you so much!

LUKE

You're welcome. [Too Lorelai] Thank you.

LORELAI

My pleasure. You know what would really push this party over the top?

LUKE

What?

LORELAI

If we made it into a sleepover.

LUKE

Yeah.

LORELAI

Yeah you've got sleeping bags and blankets.

LUKE

Plus, I still got Jess' bed. We could stick a couple of them on that.

LORELAI

Why don't you ask the birthday girl if she wants to do that?

LUKE

April, come here a sec.

APRIL

What's up?

LUKE

How would you feel about making this a slumber party?

APRIL

Really?

LUKE

Really.

APRIL

[Turns to the girls] Do you guys want to sleep over?

GIRLS

That would be really cool.

LUKE

Great, ah first off, we got to call all your parents to see if it's okay with them. Okay, so with that in mind, why don't we form a single-file line behind here to the phone? [Looks up to see all the girls on their cell phones] Or you could use your own, I guess. [Sighs]

LORELAI

Hey So, um, I think I'm gonna take off.

LUKE

What, no stay. You got to stay.

LORELAI

Are you sure.

LUKE

It's a slumber party. You're the slumber-party expert. What does Hagrid know about slumber parties?

LORELAI

Would it be weird, the two of us sleeping together?

LUKE

You and the girls can sleep upstairs. I'll figure something out.

LORELAI

Are you sure?

LUKE

Yeah absolutely. You have to stay. April would want that.

LORELAI

Okay, I'll stay.

KIRK

The movie's all ready to go.

LORELAI

Okay thanks Kirk.

KIRK

I just need it back for the Weinstein retirement party. Mel Weinstein's a nut for John Hughes movies.

LORELAI

All right, girls, um, you're about to meet someone very special to me. Her name is Molly Ringwald. Now, I know you don't know who that is, but suffice it to say, she is my generation's Audrey Hepburn. And I know you don't know who that is, either, but trust me, you're gonna love her. And yes, that is the guy from "Two and a Half Men." All right, enjoy.

LUKE

[Sighs]

GIRLS

Light as a feather, stiff as a board. Light as a feather, stiff as a board. Light as a feather, stiff as a board.

LORELAI

I forgot how much fun it could be just to put makeup on. You know it's become so pragmatic, such drudgery. It's like all we use it for now is to look better.

SOOKIE

And why would the two of us ever need to look better?

LORELAI

Exactly, whatever happened to the questionably attractive glories of wet 'n' wild blue eye shadow or crimping irons?

SOOKIE

Remember sun-in and aqua net and Bonne bell lip smackers? I used to love Bonne bell lip smackers.

LORELAI

Well who doesn't love a lip gloss that doubles as a necklace? And they smelled so great.

SOOKIE

Except once, I had the chocolate-fudge-flavored one, and in study hall, Trevor fink ate the whole thing, and then he threw it up all over my copy of "the red badge of courage."

LORELAI

We all had a Trevor fink in our lives.

SOOKIE

So, it sounds like the party was great.

LORELAI

It was a great party and a major breakthrough. April's awesome. I think she liked me.

SOOKIE

I bet she loved you.

LORELAI

We bonded. And hopefully, things will change and I won't have to hide.

SOOKIE

Good.

LORELAI

Yeah Luke just needed that time and space. You know and in hindsight, I think it was good for him, and I'm really glad I let him have it.

SOOKIE

You were incredibly patient.

LORELAI

I was, incredibly patient, while at the same time incredibly impatient.

SOOKIE

You're a complicated woman.

LORELAI

I am, yes. I try to deny it, but there it is.

SOOKIE

I'm kind of sad I wasn't at the party. I feel like I missed out.

LORELAI

I thought you might, so I brought you some leftovers. Bonne bell lip smackers, anyone?

SOOKIE

No!

LORELAI

Yes! I've got original, glitter gloss, grape crush, and dr. Pepper.

SOOKIE

I feel like I'm 15 again. [Talking like they are 15] Jackson's so getting under my bra tonight.

LORELAI

Oh, my god!

CUSTOMER

Luke, there's some glitter on my pancakes.

LUKE

Sorry about that. Let me fix that up for you.

CAESAR

Wasn't any glitter in the food when I was running the place.

CUSTOMER

And cut up one of those cold bananas, will you?

ANNA

[Too Caesar] Excuse me, is Luke around?

CAESAR

Yeah, he's here. He's always here.

LUKE

Oh hey, Anna, how are you?

ANNA

Can we talk in private?

LUKE

Uh, sure. This way. Caesar, I'm gonna take a couple minutes.

CAESAR

Whatever.

LUKE

So, what's up?

ANNA

I can't believe you did this.

LUKE

Did what?

ANNA

You said you wanted to throw her a party, Luke, you.

LUKE

I know, I did.

ANNA

No, you had your girlfriend throw her a party, a girlfriend I don't even know a girlfriend I've never even met. This is not our agreement.

LUKE

Wow wait a minute I did throw the party. Lorelai was just helping out.

ANNA

Helping out?

LUKE

Yes.

ANNA

April said you spent the night downstairs.

LUKE

Yeah well, I spent the night in the storage room. I though it would be a little weird...

ANNA

So when you were in the storage room, your girlfriend was upstairs with the girls.

LUKE

Well yeah.

ANNA

How am I supposed to explain that to the other girls' parents? How am I supposed to tell them that I left their kids all alone with a woman I've never even met? Who does that!

LUKE

I'm sorry. I didn't think that it was gonna cause...

ANNA

If I can't trust you, Luke, this arrangement is not gonna work. April is not a sweater that you're borrowing. She's my kid. I have to know where she is and who she's with always.

LUKE

I know, I'm sorry. You can trust me, I swear.

ANNA

You know what? I am too mad. I can't even look at you.

LUKE

Anna.

WOMAN ON P.A.

Dr. Blair, dr. Blair. Dr. Jay Hamilton, Dr. Jay Hamilton.

LUKE

Hello!

LORELAI

Ah, Kitchen! Thank god. I am so nutrition-deprived. All I've eaten in the last two days is cake, candy, cookies, and about 10 pounds of flavored lip gloss. [They kiss]

LUKE

Well, then, let's eat.

LORELAI

Good now do you want to be civilized and eat off plates or just right out of the containers? I know you don't approve, but I think there is some sort of origami thing happening with these containers that makes the food taste better in them. It's like Feng Shui for noodles. And I'm not just saying that because I'm lazy and I don't want any cleanup. That's only part of it.

LUKE

Out of the containers is fine.

LORELAI

Righteous.

LUKE

[Sighs]

LORELAI

You okay?

LUKE

Anna came by the diner.

LORELAI

Um why? What's up?

LUKE

She's mad. She's really mad.

LORELAI

What about?

LUKE

The party.

LORELAI

Well, the party was a smash.

LUKE

About you being at the party, she says she feels betrayed because I let you throw April a birthday party even though she's never met you.

LORELAI

But you were there the whole time. We both threw the party.

LUKE

I told her that, but I left you alone with them all night and didn't clear it with her first. She's really mad about that. It's not your fault. I should have seen this coming. I was stupid. I didn't think it through.

LORELAI

I'm sorry.

LUKE

Yeah, me too. I brought some beer, but I left it in the truck. Be right back.

RORY

Hey.

LOGAN

So, my dad just left.

RORY

I saw.

LOGAN

I still can't believe it. He actually visited. He was only moderately hostile, slightly condescending, and no more self-centered than usual.

RORY

Well it's good that he came. Good for him. Are you feeling any better?

LOGAN

I am. Ofcourse It could have something to do with the 27 medications they have me jacked up on.

RORY

I checked with the doctor. It's mostly cough syrup and baby aspirin.

LOGAN

What's wrong? I'm feeling better. [Rory shakes her head] What?

RORY

I'm sorry.

LOGAN

About what?

RORY

About letting you go on this trip. I should have stopped you. I was just so busy being mad at you. I didn't think I was trying to punish you, but I was trying to punish you.

LOGAN

No, Rory.

RORY

I should have stopped you.

LOGAN

Hey, you couldn't have stopped me. A team of psychiatrists with tranquilizer guns couldn't have stopped me. I was going no matter what. It's my fault. Do not feel guilty about this.

RORY

I just sent you out that door. I didn't even care. I was so cold. I just, I could have lost you.

LOGAN

You didn't lose me.

RORY

But I could have, though.

LOGAN

Look I'm the one screwing things up with us here, not you. I'm sorry you're in the hospital right now. I'm sorry about all of this. I don't what's going on with me, but I'll get better, okay? Things will calm down. I just need you to bear with me, okay? Okay?

RORY

Okay.

ANNA

Oh.

LORELAI

You okay there?

ANNA

Sorry. Spreadsheets, the bane of my existence. Combines my hatred of math with my fear of little, tiny boxes.

LORELAI

Well little, tiny boxes can be scary. Unless, of course, they contain big diamond earrings.

ANNA

[Laughs] I hear you. Feel free to look around.

LORELAI

Thanks.

ANNA

Have you been in here before?

LORELAI

No, first time. It's lovely, great stuff.

ANNA

Thank you. All the hanging clothes over there are 20% off, some of my favorite stuff, but come march 1st, I can't sell a sweater to save my life.

LORELAI

Okay, I'll check it out.

ANNA

You looking for anything in particular?

LORELAI

Uh, yeah, you, actually. I'm Lorelai Gilmore. I'm Luke's fiancée.

ANNA

Oh.

LORELAI

I wanted to apologize for the party. It was my fault.

ANNA

It just wasn't exactly what I was expecting.

LORELAI

I know, and I'm to blame for that, not Luke. It wasn't his idea. He was having a little trouble getting the party going, and I may have thrown myself into it a little too much. I just thought that we should meet so you could see you really have nothing to worry about.

ANNA

She's a 13-year-old girl. I always have something to worry about.

LORELAI

Well, yeah, of course, but I meant in regards to me.

ANNA

Look, I'm sure you're a great person.

LORELAI

I am. I have references.

ANNA

But I'm a single mom here. I can't play fast and loose with the people in my kid's life.

LORELAI

I completely understand. I'm a single mom myself.

ANNA

Okay then you get it. What if April decided she likes you? What if she becomes attached to you? What if you become her best friend in the entire world, and then one day, you just disappear?

LORELAI

Well, that's not gonna happen.

ANNA

You don't know that. You can't guarantee that, and I can't take that chance. When it comes to my daughter, I have to have rules, hard and fast rules.

LORELAI

I would never dream of violating any of those rules. Believe me.

ANNA

April never meets any man I date unless I've dated him for years.

LORELAI

I totally get that.

ANNA

So basically, until I'm ready to get married again, she doesn't meet any of the men I date.

LORELAI

Right.

ANNA

For all she knows, I'm a nun.

LORELAI

Yeah, I went through a sister Wendy phase myself once.

ANNA

I want her to have stability.

LORELAI

Right. But Luke and I, we are engaged. We are stable.

ANNA

Engaged isn't married. People get engaged all the time.

LORELAI

Look, this is not something casual, Luke and me. This is not something we're rushing into, by any means. This has been a long time coming, a long time. This is real.

ANNA

That's wonderful, I'm really happy for you, but that doesn't change anything. Luke just came into April's life. I'm still nervous about that. He's not a kid guy, never has been, and she's getting very attached. I need to know he's sticking around first. And then, when you're married, we'll deal with that then. I'm not trying to be a hardass here. April's my world. I don't know if my way is the right way. I just have to go with my gut. This is how I want to do it... You said you're a single mom.

LORELAI

I have a daughter, just like you.

ANNA

You get where I'm coming from at all?

LORELAI

I really do. Anyway, thank you for hearing me out.

ANNA

Sure. It's no problem.

LORELAI

Okay. [Lorelai turns to leave]

ANNA

Hey. If it makes you feel better, she had a really great time at that party.

LORELAI

I'm glad. [Lorelai waves goodbye]