T6E21: “Driving Miss Gilmore”

LORELAI

How can you possibly say she looked better with the dark hair?

RORY

She did the blonde just seemed like she was trying to be her sister.

LORELAI

The dark hair makes it look like she's trying not to look like her, plus she does not have the nose for dark hair.

RORY

What does that mean?

LORELAI

Dark hair is like a giant light-up arrow pointing to what is wrong with you. Blond hair, it all sort of blends in in a haze of beige.

RORY

Nuts, you're nuts.

LORELAI

You're double nuts!

EMILY

All right, that's it. No more spaghetti and meatballs. Musepa, come get these plates.

LORELAI

Mom!

EMILY

Every time we have spaghetti and meatballs, you fight.

LORELAI

No, no, we're not fighting. We're just, uh, bonding.

RORY

[Trying to eat] Mmm! Grandma, I'm starving!

EMILY

Take these away, Mr. Gilmore's also.

LORELAI

Mom, come on.

RORY

I won't fight anymore.

EMILY

No. Spaghetti and meatballs is just too much excitement.

RICHARD

[Entering the room] I'm sorry about that. I left work early today, and apparently, that caused everyone's I.Q.S to drop 60 points. My food is gone.

EMILY

The girls were fighting.

RICHARD

I told you not to serve spaghetti and meatballs. They always fight when we have spaghetti and meatballs.

LORELAI

That's not true.

RORY

We fight just as much when we have Chinese food.

EMILY

Can we please talk about something besides food?

LORELAI

Starvation, scurvy, the Donner party.

EMILY

I'm having Lasik surgery on my eyes.

RICHARD

Excellent topic.

LORELAI

Lasik surgery? Why?

EMILY

Well I hate wearing glasses, so I found the best doctor on the east coast, made an appointment, and I'm going in tomorrow.

RICHARD

Personally, I like you with glasses.

LORELAI

It's that whole "dirty librarian" thing, right, dad?

RICHARD

I beg your pardon.

EMILY

Three of the girls in my D.A.R. Group had it done already. I'm actually very excited about it. I got Dr. Morris...

RICHARD

The Lasik man.

EMILY

...From Dr. Sugarman, who's my ear, nose, and throat man. And he said Dr. Morris is brilliant and very, very handsome.

RICHARD

You never told me this.

EMILY

He just threw it in at the end of the visit.

RICHARD

I think that's incredibly unprofessional.

EMILY

Oh, Richard, he just was saying the man is handsome.

RICHARD

Yes, as if it's a selling point.

LORELAI

It can be.

RICHARD

Hardly. Everyone knows ugly men make the best doctors.

EMILY

That's absurd.

RICHARD

It's a fact.

EMILY

Marcus Welby was handsome and George Clooney.

LORELAI

Fake doctors, mom.

EMILY

I'm sure they were modeled after real doctors.

RICHARD

I don't want to talk about this anymore.

LORELAI

He's jealous of Dr. Handsome.

RICHARD

I'm not jealous of Dr. Handsome.

EMILY

I should go shopping for something new to wear.

RICHARD

You are not going shopping to get something new to wear to Dr. Handsome.

LORELAI

Everyone is a little testy tonight.

RORY

Maybe she was right about the spaghetti and meatballs.

EMILY

Well, let's just talk about something else. We had lunch with Christopher yesterday.

LORELAI

You...

RORY

[Thinking of food] Lunch.

RICHARD

We took him to the club.

LORELAI

[Panicked] Okay, but why?

RICHARD

Because there'd been a lot of tension between us about the tuition incident, and your mother and I thought it was time for a sit-down.

LORELAI

A sit down what, did you get Clemenza to hide a gun in the bathroom first?

RICHARD

We thought it was time to clear the air. After all, Christopher is Rory's father, and we wanted him to know there were no hard feelings.

LORELAI

Really?

EMILY

Don't get me wrong. We're still not happy about the situation, but since he's going to be involved in our lives now...

LORELAI

Whoa, whoa. Involved in your lives? How is he involved in your lives?

EMILY

Well, he's paying for Rory's college.

LORELAI

[defensive] Yeah but is he using your pen to write the check?

RICHARD

Of course not.

LORELAI

Then I don't see how he's involved in your lives. [Gesturing to Rory] He's involved in her life...

EMILY

Lorelai, will you relax? The lunch went fine. It was very pleasant, and Christopher enjoyed it.

RICHARD

That's right. He apologized for everything.

EMILY

He knows that we're no longer angry with him, and we are all friends again.

LORELAI

Well, with friends like these...

RICHARD

And after lunch, your mother and I began discussing what we were going to do with all the money that had been allotted for Rory's tuition.

EMILY

And we came up with a brilliant idea.

RORY

Oh, yeah? What?

RICHARD

We're going to add some funds from our foundation and donate the total amount to Yale university in your name.

RORY

What?

EMILY

That's right, and we'll make sure it goes for something important, like a medical building.

LORELAI

For really handsome doctors.

EMILY

Whatever it is, I want her name big and prominent.

RORY

My name?

RICHARD

The Rory Gilmore political science building.

EMILY

The Rory Gilmore anthropology building.

RORY

Uh, guys?

RICHARD

The Rory Gilmore cultural center.

EMILY

The Rory Gilmore auditorium.

RORY

Um can I interject for just a second?

LORELAI

Go ahead. I dare you.

EMILY

The Rory Gilmore observatory.

RORY

...I still go to Yale, so having something with my name on it might be kind of...

RICHARD

The Rory Gilmore center for international affairs.

EMILY

Oh, wait, the Rory Gilmore library.

RICHARD

And art gallery.

EMILY

And ancient-history museum.

LORELAI

Forget it, kid, grandma and grandpa have gone bye-bye.

RICHARD

The Rory Gilmore medical research laboratory.

EMILY

No that sounds like monkey tests, people will picket.

RORY

So, any one of the physical therapists on the list will do? Right doctor they're all at the same level?

DR SCHULTZ

They're all top-notch.

LOGAN

That's if I need a physical therapist.

RORY

[To Logan] Hush you [To doctor] And you said lots of rest, but is complete bed rest safest?

LOGAN

You cannot confine me to a bed. That's a violation of my rights.

RORY

Hush you.

DR SCHULTZ

You need to monitor his progress. Everyone recovers at different speeds.

RORY

And when you say, "plenty of fluids," does hot tea count, or just water? He likes hot tea.

LOGAN

You gotta stop talking about me as if I'm not here.

RORY

Logan...

LOGAN

Mom...

DR SCHULTZ

Tea's fine. Water and juice are better.

LOGAN

And this wheelchair's absolutely necessary?

RORY

Hospital policy sir.

DR SCHULTZ

Just till you get out of the building.

LOGAN

Can we at least go faster?

RORY

No, you'll get g-forces.

LOGAN

Doctor, can I go home to your house? I think I'd have much more fun there.

DR SCHULTZ

Your in good hand, just call if you have any more questions.

RORY

I will. Thank you, Dr. Schultz.

RORY

Okay, so, I cut off an old lady with a handicap sticker, so we got a primo spot right out front. Colin is meeting us at the apartment to help me get you upstairs and in bed, and it's a little cold outside, so you might need a scarf. I should have brought you a scarf. Maybe they have some in the gift shop. I'll go check.

LOGAN

Actually, there's something going on here.

RORY

What, your throat? Is it sore? Should I go get Dr. Schultz? I mean, we're here. We might as well...

LOGAN

Thank you for being who I want to get out of the hospital for.

RORY

You're welcome.

LOGAN

And I'm not cold. I'm fine.

RORY

You promise?

LOGAN

I promise.

RORY

Okay, let's go. We get to go at my speed.

LOGAN

Wake me when we hit the door.

MICHEL

This is a lawsuit! You do not fool with people' heads and bodies like this! No! You listen! You...

LORELAI

Sookie, emergency, I'm crashing.

SOOKIE

Fresh pot over there.

MICHEL

You know you wouldn't treat Nicole Kidman like this. Nicole Kidman, red hair, tall. Okay, then, Julia Roberts, you wouldn't treat Julia Roberts like this. Red hair, tall. Okay, then, Scarlett Johansson. What are you, a shut-in?

LORELAI

Why is he prancing?

SOOKIE

Hum?

MICHEL

I will call my lawyer, and you'll hear from him when I do. Kiss my tush! Mmm! Damn it! You can trust nothing and no one ever!

LORELAI

Please stop that, Michel.

MICHEL

Oh, I cannot. I cannot stop this for a very, very long time. I buy milk from the organic dairy down the way. The nonfat milk has a blue top, blue. Today I find out that they have accidentally been putting red tops on the nonfat milk and blue on the 2%, 2%! For the last two weeks, I have been drinking 2% milk in my coffee every single day.

LORELAI

Insert gasp here.

MICHEL

That's two full weeks of two cups of coffee a day. It used to be one cup, but then, suddenly, the coffee started tasting so good, I added an afternoon jolt, and now I find out I've been consuming an extra billion calories a week.

LORELAI

At least it hasn't affected your ability to do math. [To Sookie] Isn't this bouncing bothering you?

SOOKIE

It was, but now it's kind of like having a Beyoncé video on.

MICHEL

Now I have to burn off all these calories and I have to deal with 2%-fat-milk withdrawal...

LORELAI

Michel, why didn't you just look on the bottle?

MICHEL

Oh, oh, oh, oh, you just know everything, don't you, you little miss I-know-everything?

LORELAI

[Cell phone rings] Hello?

LUKE

[in his apartment, putting stuff in the fridge] Hey, gotcha.

LORELAI

[Sounding nervous] Yes, you did.

LUKE

We've been missing each other lately.

LORELAI

Oh, well, things are crazy. You know, we're totally booked up here, and Um Rory has her finals.

LUKE

You're helping Rory with her finals?

LORELAI

Moral support, late-night phone calls -- that kind of thing. And, of course, Michel got the wrong milk today, so...

LUKE

oh, well, I didn't know about Michel's milk.

LORELAI

Okay, so, uh, you heading by the diner today?

LORELAI

No, can't. There's just too much to do here.

LUKE

Okay, well, then, we'll hook up tonight.

LORELAI

Ah, tonight's a staff meeting, and attendance is mandatory. It would look pretty weird if the person who called the meeting didn't show.

SOOKIE

[worried] There's a staff meeting tonight? [To Michel] Did you know about a staff meeting?

MICHEL

No, I didn't.

SOOKIE

I don't have a sitter tonight.

MICHEL

I set up a three-hour session with my trainer tonight. I'll have to pay full price if I cancel this late. It's like $2 zillion.

LUKE

Staff meeting, I didn't know you had a staff meeting tonight. Did it just come up?

LORELAI

Pretty much.

LUKE

Well, I'm sorry I'm not gonna see you.

LORELAI

Yeah, me too.

LUKE

So, tomorrow?

LORELAI

Sure, maybe. We'll talk in the morning.

LUKE

Okay. We'll talk in the morning.

LORELAI

Okay. Well... bye.

SOOKIE

I have to get a babysitter if there's gonna be a staff meeting tonight, and Becky, the good one, is at her grandmother's, so I'll have to use her crazy Goth sister who wears the snake around her neck and eats all my Eggos.

LORELAI

There's no staff meeting tonight.

MICHEL

[Groans] Thank god!

SOOKIE

If there's no staff meeting tonight, why did you tell Luke there was?

LORELAI

I don't want to get into it.

SOOKIE

But if...

JACKSON

Sookie! Just the person I was hoping to see... alone.

SOOKIE

Oh. So, we'll be right back. [The make there way through the Inn] Jackson, wait. What is it?

JACKSON

We need complete privacy for this.

SOOKIE

For what?

JACKSON

Smell me.

SOOKIE

What?

JACKSON

Smell me. What do I smell like?

SOOKIE

[Sighs] You smell like Jackson and something else. What is that? It's not zucchini. It's not sprouts.

JACKSON

It's marijuana.

SOOKIE

[Gasps, happy] Yes! [Shocked] Oh, my god! Jackson, why do you smell like marijuana?

JACKSON

You know that back half-acre that I haven't planted for a few years, up on the slope, out of sight, out of mind? Well, I went back there this morning, and it's a giant field of pot!

SOOKIE

[Gasps]

JACKSON

Every square inch, hundreds of plantings. It looks like Harrison Ford's backyard.

SOOKIE

How did this happen?

JACKSON

The Templeton brothers.

SOOKIE

The Templeton brothers.

JACKSON

They must have planted it right before I fired 'em. I told them to weed the back half-acre. They're not the smartest of fellows.

SOOKIE

They were always listening to the Allman Brothers. We should never hire guys that listen to the Allman Brothers.

JACKSON

What are we gonna do? It's a full half-acre of marijuana!

SOOKIE

Jackson, Shh! We can't keep saying the "m" word. Someone will overhear.

JACKSON

Right, sorry.

SOOKIE

We need a code word.

JACKSON

How about "evil crop"?

SOOKIE

Something more normal. Hey, how 'bout "pickles"?

JACKSON

Good. We'll say, "pickles." Do you realize that at this moment we are both felons?

SOOKIE

Why? We didn't grow the stuff. [Louder] The pickles! We didn't grow the pickles! Ha!

JACKSON

But we're in possession. If the cops came to my field today, we'd go to jail. We'd lose everything we own. We'd lose the kids.

SOOKIE

All because of pickles.

JACKSON

I'm gonna send my guys home right now. I'm gonna single-handedly pull every last pickle out of there.

SOOKIE

Good. Yes, good and do it quick.

JACKSON

I'll try.

SOOKIE

You're sweating.

JACKSON

I'm sorry. I can't help it.

SOOKIE

It makes you look guilty.

JACKSON

I'll try to stop.

SOOKIE

We've got to walk out of this room cool and calm, just like it's any other day.

JACKSON

Cool and calm. Got it. The bump into one another then a table, knocking stuff off] Sorry. [Jackson runs out]

SOOKIE

I'll get you coffee.

TROUBADOUR

I'm on my way I don't know where I'm goin' I'm on my way I'm takin' my time, but I don't know where goodbye to Rosie the queen of corona see you, me and Julio down by the schoolyard see you, me and Julio down by the schoolyard see you, me and Julio down by the schoolyard

LUKE

What can I get you, Kirk?

KIRK

What do you think?

LUKE

About what?

KIRK

Letting the beard grow.

LUKE

Nice. What can I get you?

KIRK

First couple of days, it was itching like crazy, but now I'm used to it, although I find myself doing this a lot. [Puts his hand on his chin like he's thinking]

LUKE

What do you want to eat, Kirk?

KIRK

Last weekend, I accidentally wrote all over my face with a sharpie, and lulu thought it looked kind of sexy. That's where I got the idea.

LUKE

It looks really good, Kirk. Now, can I take your order?

KIRK

Hmm.

LUKE

I'll come back.

LIZ

[Coming into the diner] Big brother!

LUKE

Hey, you're back, huh?

LIZ

I'm back.

LUKE

How was the fair?

LIZ

Oh, amazing. My jewelry's bigger than ever. I make it, it sells. I got all this money now, but I got no idea what to do with it, not a clue.

LUKE

How 'bout putting it in a bank?

LIZ

There's a thought.

LUKE

Hmm-hmm.

LIZ

Hey, let me tell you my big, exciting news!

LUKE

Uh-oh.

LIZ

It's not an uh-oh. It's good, unless you don't like babies, in which case it's not so good.

LUKE

You're pregnant?!

LIZ

Oh, it was supposed to be a surprise. Who told you?

LUKE

You just did.

LIZ

Wow, I blew my own surprise.

LUKE

That's great, Liz. It's great, right?

LIZ

Amazing. I am over the moon.

LUKE

Well, sit, sit. You're in a delicate state.

LIZ

I am gonna take care of myself this time, big brother. I'm gonna do all the healthy things for me I did not do last time I was pregnant, like not binge drink.

LUKE

Good plan. So, where's T.J.? I mean, he must be thrilled about this.

LIZ

Ah, he's gone.

LUKE

Gone? You mean gone out of town?

LIZ

He's gone, the big "gone out of my life." Do you have Matzo Brie?

LUKE

What? Liz, no.

LIZ

Okay. How 'bout a Denver omelet?

LUKE

I mean, "no, T.J. Can't be gone." He's your husband.

LIZ

Since when does that keep guys from leaving?

LUKE

He's left you?

LIZ

He's left.

LUKE

How can you be so calm about this? Your so calm about this.

LIZ

Because I got my new come-what-may philosophy.

LUKE

Your what?

LIZ

My philosophy. It's about accepting what comes your way, whatever it is. If a bus is heading right at you, let it come. If a piece of space junk comes hurtling down at you, let it come.

LUKE

Or you step out of the way.

LIZ

You know, that's probably better, and when I said what I said now, it felt wrong.

LUKE

Did he know you were pregnant?

LIZ

I'd just told him.

LUKE

So he ran out on his wife and child?!

LIZ

Luke you're getting mad over nothing.

LUKE

It's not nothing.

LIZ

Well, I need you to stay calm, because right now it's all about the baby, and it's all good... Really... Come what may.

LUKE

All right, fine. Whatever. It's all good.

LIZ

Now, baby and I would like that omelet.

LUKE

Coming up.

LOGAN

Paris?

PARIS

Male reproductive tract.

LOGAN

What?

PARIS

Seven up, Seminiferous Tubules, Epididymis, Vas Deferens, Ejaculatory duct, nothing, Urethra, Penis.

LOGAN

What are you doing?

PARIS

Boning up. Pardon the pun. Got my MCATS coming up, medical school.

LOGAN

I meant, "what are you doing here?"

PARIS

Looking after you.

LOGAN

Oh, goody.

PARIS

It's necessary you seem like the kind of lunkhead that would get up too soon and inadvertently push a broken rib bone into his spleen.

DOYLE

Well, hey, there, sleepyhead.

LOGAN

Oh, goody, a matching set.

DOYLE

You sleep well?

LOGAN

He's watching me, too?

PARIS

Rory said it would be okay.

DOYLE

Hey now that your awake you mind if I switch the TV to the speakers? They're just about to reunite with their husbands, and I'd love to get the full surround experience.

LOGAN

Who?

DOYLE

Penguins. You haven't seen the penguin movie?

PARIS

The penguin movie rocks.

DOYLE

They'll move you, my friend. So, is it okay?

LOGAN

Hey, Mi Casa Es Su Casa.

DOYLE

Great.

PARIS

Whoa, whoa, whoa, where do you think you're going cowboy?

LOGAN

Nature calls.

PARIS

You can't get you, Rory said you need complete bed rest. She trusted me with your well-being. I cannot betray that trust.

LOGAN

Then what's your suggestion for my current predicament?

PARIS

I'll get the bedpan. Where's your bedpan?

LOGAN

I don't have a bedpan.

PARIS

You got Tupperware?

LOGAN

Paris...

PARIS

Doyle, watch him.

DOYLE

Pausing.

LOGAN

[Sighs]

RORY

[Cell phone rings] Hey, why aren't you asleep?

LOGAN

Because I woke up.

RORY

You're supposed to be asleep.

LOGAN

I've been asleep for a week. My body's bored of sleep. It wants to do something.

RORY

Well good thing your body has no say in the matter.

BILL

Hey, boss, you're gonna want to see this.

RORY

[Too Bill] Hold on a second.

LORELAI

You've got to call off your sentries.

RORY

They're there for a reason.

LOGAN

To re-enact their favorite scenes from "Misery"?

PARIS

Your kitchen needs organizing!

LOGAN

Yeah, I'll get right on that!

DOYLE

You shouldn't talk loudly. You'll strain something.

LOGAN

I've got Dina and Moshe Abramowicz on top of me.

RORY

Why is Paris in the kitchen?

LOGAN

She's looking for a bedpan substitute.

RORY

Oh dear.

BILL

You're really gonna want to see this.

RORY

Just leave it, Bill.

BILL

But I want to see the look on your face when you read it, provided you still have a face after your head explodes.

RORY

In a sec.

LOGAN

Rory, look, I love your concern for me. I love that you're so invested in my well-being, but even the doctor said that if I feel strong enough to move around, then I should do it. It's good for me.

RORY

I don't know that that doctor knows what he's talking about.

LOGAN

You mean the Johns Hopkins graduate knows less than you?

PARIS

I'd kill to get into Johns Hopkins. Here [showing Logan some “bedpans”] patient's choice.

DOYLE

Oh, okay if I unpause?

PARIS

Unpause.

DOYLE

Here come the penguins.

RORY

Look, maybe the doctor knows a little bit of what he's talking about.

LOGAN

You think?

RORY

So I guess get up, but superslow. It should look like a Monty Python routine, you're moving so slow.

LOGAN

I'll make John Cleese proud.

RORY

And let Doyle help you, at least the first time, you could get dizzy.

LOGAN

I'll let him help me to the bathroom door, but I take it from there Ace.

RORY

Fine.

DOYLE

I cannot look at the shot of the dead baby penguin.

PARIS

Me neither. Dead people, yes, not penguins.

LOGAN

You'll deal with Paris?

RORY

Put her on.

LOGAN

Thank you. Paris?

PARIS

Can I look?

DOYLE

We're clear.

LOGAN

Please talk to Rory.

RORY

[Too Bill] What is so important about the Wall Street Journal?

BILL

Oh, you'll see.

PARIS

Hey

RORY

[Too Paris] Stand down.

PARIS

What.

RORY

Thank you for sitting with him, but I think he needs a little less hovering right now.

PARIS

Warren Beatty jr. Smooth-talk you?

RORY

No. Even the doctor said he should be moving around some. I think I've been a little overprotective.

PARIS

Your call.

RORY

Have Doyle lend him a shoulder right now, okay?

PARIS

Fine. Doyle, give Logan your shoulder.

DOYLE

You got it.

LOGAN

See you soonish?

RORY

Just finishing up here.

DOYLE

Mi shoulder Es Su shoulder. [Helps him to the bathroom] Hey, this is very life-affirming, very penguinesque. With the soundtrack music playing like that -- ohh.

LOGAN

Hurry your soonish.

RORY

I will. [Ends the call] What is it?

BILL

I highlighted the appropriate section. [Rory reads the paper] Oh, it's going to be a quiet, slow-burning seethe. Disappointment.

MICHEL

Right this way, you two. Having beautiful weather today, no? [He start to exercise, with out the guest knowing, stopping when they look at him] Let's leave your bags here with the ever-trustworthy William and take a little tour of the inn. Okay, right this way. We have one of the finest restaurants in the area.

LORELAI

[Cell phone rings] Hello?

EMILY

How soon can you get here?

LORELAI

What?

EMILY

How soon can you get here?

LORELAI

Mom, where are you?

EMILY

Home, of course. Where else would I be after what happened?

LORELAI

What happened?

EMILY

"What happened?"!

LORELAI

Yes, what happened?

EMILY

The thing with my eye. What else would I be talking about?

LORELAI

You're talking about the laser?

EMILY

The bad Lasik.

LORELAI

The Lasik went bad?

EMILY

Your father called you. Tell me he called you.

LORELAI

[Cell phone beeps] Hold on a sec, mom.

EMILY

Lorelai?

LORELAI

Hello?

RICHARD

Lorelai, it's your father. I'm unconscionably late with this call. Blame South Dakota.

LORELAI

Dad, what is going on here?

RICHARD

Your mother's eye surgery went badly. She's all right, but she can't see a thing.

LORELAI

Well, that doesn't sound all right to me.

RICHARD

It's only temporary. She's on painkillers. I would have been there myself, but I was called out of town. Have you ever been to South Dakota? It's the most boring state in the nation. As I was flying in, I swear I saw one of the heads on Mount Rushmore yawn.

LORELAI

She's asking how soon I can be there.

RICHARD

Well, that's why I'm calling. I left her with a battery of help, but in case it didn't work out, she wanted me to give you a heads-up that she might need you.

LORELAI

Well, I don't know if I can get away.

RICHARD

It's her eyes. She can't do anything or go anywhere.

LORELAI

I understand the importance of eyes, dad.

RICHARD

I got caught up in meetings, or I would have called sooner. You wouldn't believe where I'm sitting right now, one of South Dakota's finest hotels. Smells like a foot.

LORELAI

Let me get back to her, dad. She's on the other line.

RICHARD

If you could cover for me, I'd appreciate it. If she found out I didn't call you, it would make everything worse.

LORELAI

Okay you got it.

RICHARD

Check in with me later.

LORELAI

Yeah [Switched lines] Mom?

EMILY

Was that your father? Did he not call you?

LORELAI

No, dad called. I was just distracted before. So, you need me to pop over?

EMILY

I'm all alone here, and I desperately need to run a couple of errands.

LORELAI

And there's no one else?

EMILY

I don't remember being in labor for 14 hours with anyone else, so, no, there's no one else.

LORELAI

Okay. I'll be over.

EMILY

I'll be waiting, blind and waiting.

LORELAI

Okay, bye. [Sighs]

SOOKIE

AND JACKSON'S HOUSE

SOOKIE

I don't believe it, I don't believe it!

JACKSON

Who knew that clearing it would be the easy part? I had it all down in three hours, no problem.

SOOKIE

I don't believe it!

JACKSON

What was I to do? If I put in the garbage, the garbage man could see it.

SOOKIE

I know. He looks like a big, fat fink.

JACKSON

And if I put it down the garbage disposal, it could clog. We'd have to call a plumber, and then he could fink on us.

SOOKIE

And he would, too. That guy seems like a big, fat fatty fink.

JACKSON

We can't flush it for the same reason, and burning it seemed like a tremendously dumb idea.

SOOKIE

You'd get the whole town high.

JACKSON

So what was I to do?

SOOKIE

Anything but bring it home!

JACKSON

Then come up with your own idea.

SOOKIE

Well I could bake it into brownies.

JACKSON

Then what would we do with the brownies?

SOOKIE

I have no idea.

JACKSON

I think that makes it a bad plan.

SOOKIE

Is it a better plan than the plan you couldn't even think of? At least it's a plan.

JACKSON

Hey, we can't turn on each other here. We're all we've got.

SOOKIE

You're right. You're right.

JACKSON

Hey, it's starting to smell up the place.

SOOKIE

We've just got to get it out of the house.

JACKSON

Definitely out of the house. We'll get it out of the house. [He sits] But we wait for dark.

SOOKIE

[She sits] Wait for dark.

RORY

I could kill him!

LOGAN

You'd have to get in a very long line.

RORY

The man should be drawn and quartered.

LOGAN

There's no fast pass, either. You just got to wait.

RORY

Quartering's too good for him. He should be eighthed, sixteenthed.

LOGAN

I don't know you quarter a guy, he's in four pieces. That's tough to recover from.

RORY

He should be stretched on a rack, iron maiden, strappadoed.

LOGAN

Oh, my god. What is strappadoed?

RORY

When you suspend him in the air with a rope tied to his hands that are tied behind his back.

LOGAN

You're scaring me with your knowledge of torture.

RORY

I did a paper on the attorney general. It comes with the territory.

LOGAN

Life in modern America?

RORY

Why would the wall street journal print this? Why?

LOGAN

It was an interview with my father. If he said it, they get to print it.

RORY

Even if it's a flat-out lie?

LOGAN

They don't know that.

RORY

[Reading the paper] "I looked for the best and the brightest, even at the intern level."

LOGAN

Reading it again, you're just torturing yourself.

RORY

"Ben Cochran at Harvard, he helped me out with my Boston paper, as did Frank Williams. And Rory Gilmore, I gave her her first internship at my Stamford paper, and now she's the editor of the Yale Daily News." Arc!

LOGAN

It's classic Mitchum.

RORY

How dare he? "I gave her her first internship"?

LOGAN

This is one of dad's things, Rory, grabbing credit wherever he can, whether it's earned or not.

RORY

Everyone in America has read this.

LOGAN

The Wall Street Journal's readership is high, but it's not quite 300 million.

RORY

Well, enough people have read it.

LOGAN

Look the beauty of a daily paper, it's in everybody's recycling bin the next morning. This will be forgotten.

RORY

It won't.

LOGAN

It will.

RORY

I remember everything I read, front page, op-ed, concert reviews, it never leaves. My eyes accidentally flit over an obituary, as I'm hunting for the metro section and I can remember the deceased's first wife's name a full month afterward. I mean, and that's just a flit, not even a perusal. If I perused it, I could give you his grandkids in alphabetical order five years later.

LOGAN

Ace, ace, you drinking this in?

RORY

What?

LOGAN

Helen Keller just signed water, Annie.

RORY

You walked!

LOGAN

All by my lonesome. You proud of your boy?

RORY

I'm very proud. Oh, and your color's coming back. You've gone from white to off-white.

LOGAN

Hey, can we get to the bottom line on this article here?

RORY

Give it to me.

LOGAN

It's all good. It's very positive what he seed to you. A powerful man is citing you as one of his accomplishments. It is no way a dis.

RORY

I know.

LOGAN

It's actually a good thing, so you should let it go.

RORY

Never!

LORELAI

Hello? Mom?

EMILY

In here.

LORELAI

Oh, I'm sorry. Mrs. Onassis, I was looking for my mother.

EMILY

Will you at least promise to keep your comedy set at my funeral to under five minutes?

LORELAI

Sorry, mom. How are you feeling?

EMILY

Horrible. That quack eye surgeon blinded me for life.

LORELAI

I don't think he blinded you for life.

EMILY

Well, he blinded me for the next two days, at least. The procedure was a disaster. He did one eye and then announced that the new procedure didn't comport to the anatomy of my eye, so he had to resort to the old procedure, which I absolutely did not want.

LORELAI

'Cause it's so last year.

EMILY

And, of course, he wouldn't go near the other eye until he saw how this one healed.

LORELAI

Well, that makes sense.

EMILY

And then Dr. Mengele told me to rest and is having me put eyedrops in every hour, further impeding my vision. And to top it off, the man looked nothing like Marcus Welby.

LORELAI

Okay, mom, where are all the people?

EMILY

What people?

LORELAI

Well Dad made it seem like you were surrounded by a small army you know, enough people to care for you, then go topple Saddam's statue.

EMILY

They're all gone.

LORELAI

Gone where?

EMILY

To hell, I hope, one person more incompetent than the rest.

LORELAI

But all of them? The nurse?

EMILY

They'll do a "60 minutes" on that woman one day. Mark my words!

LORELAI

Uh, housekeepers?

EMILY

Ate everything that wasn't nailed down.

LORELAI

The errand boys?

EMILY

Their pants hung down below their underwear, and no one was worse than the driver he got me. Have you ever met the cab drivers in Prague?

LORELAI

Uh, no.

EMILY

Well, they would hide their wallets from this man. Plus I think he had a gun in his pocket.

LORELAI

Maybe he was just happy to see you.

EMILY

Lorelai, up. [Lorelai moves to sit next to Emily] It doesn't matter anyhow. I'm fine getting my own food, and I don't need people underfoot. I called the agency, and a new maid will be here tomorrow morning, but I need to run some errands today, and, obviously, I can't drive. You'll have to do that.

LORELAI

Do what?

EMILY

Drive me.

LORELAI

Oh mom why don't you just give me the list of errands and I'll do them for you?

EMILY

No it would take too much explanation. Grab my bag, please.

LORELAI

Mom, seriously, um what kind of errands are they? Shopping, banking, hardware store?

EMILY

I need to get my coat first.

LORELAI

Mom, is it dealing in human trafficking? 'Cause I'm an excellent people person.

LORELAI

Mom, mom, you've got to look up.

EMILY

I can't look up. The sun causes searing pain.

LORELAI

Mom, the sun can't even find you under that hat. If we put that hat on frosty the snowman, he'd be living in Miami right now.

EMILY

You're a very insensitive person, you know that?

LORELAI

Yes, I do. Here we go.

EMILY

What is this?

LORELAI

This is my car.

EMILY

We have to take the other car.

LORELAI

What other car? [Points to a big SUV] That's not a car. That's a rap-video set.

EMILY

I ordered it specially. It has the darkest windows available. They say it's the car jay-z uses when he's in town. I assume that's an entertainer of some sort. The windows are bulletproof. They kept saying that as if it's a selling point. I told them I was not paying extra for bulletproof windows. I haven't been strafed in years.

LORELAI

Mom, I don't understand, what do you mean, we'll take this car? I thought the driver left.

EMILY

He did.

LORELAI

Is there another one coming?

EMILY

No.

LORELAI

Well, who's gonna drive?

EMILY

You are.

LORELAI

I can't drive that.

EMILY

Why not?

LORELAI

Because, look at it. I'm sure you need a special license or something.

EMILY

Lorelai, I cannot ride in your jeep. It's completely exposed to the elements. You do remember I'm recovering from surgery, don't you?

LORELAI

No really, I thought you were just doing your best Mia Farrow in "Broadway Danny Rose" impersonation.

EMILY

Lorelai, I need my prescriptions. If I don't get my prescriptions, infection will set in, and I will lose my eyesight completely, and you will be doing this more than just today. Now, what's it going to be? [Lorelai opens the door]

LORELAI

Ridiculous Sarah Bernhardt overdramatic...

EMILY

My hearing's just fine, Lorelai.

LORELAI

Sorry. [Closes the door after Emily gets in, sighs]

T.J.

Hey, Luke, what are you doing here?

LUKE

You know why I'm here. Get up.

T.J.

What?

LUKE

Get up!

T.J.

Okay.

LUKE

Now, I am not here to listen to you explain your side or rationalize things or justify your actions. I am here for one reason only, to punch you out.

T.J.

Hey, cool. You see that? That was like in an old western where everyone cleared the bar. I never seen that in person.

LUKE

Don't be cute. Just get ready to be hurt.

T.J.

Damn.

LUKE

What?

T.J.

I just wish I was drinking faster. Cause If I was more drunk, getting punched out wouldn't hurt so much.

LUKE

Just shut up and let's do this.

T.J.

Go ahead.

LUKE

Well, get ready.

T.J.

I'm ready.

LUKE

Raise your arms or something.

T.J.

No.

LUKE

I'm not gonna punch you like this.

T.J.

I thought that's why you came.

LUKE

I came to fight.

T.J.

Let's do it.

LUKE

Then raise your arms!

T.J.

No!

LUKE

T.J.!

T.J.

I'm not hitting you, Luke. I got nothing against you. Plus there's no fighting inside. It's Lanny's top rule, along with no burning down the place. That actually comes first.

LUKE

Well, then, let's take it outside.

T.J.

Luke let me ask you one question, really quick and then you can take me outside and clobber me.

LUKE

Okay, what?

T.J.

What the hell is this about?

LUKE

You're unbelievable! It's about Liz!

T.J.

What about her? Is she all right?

LUKE

All right? You walked out on her!

T.J.

No, I didn't.

LUKE

Yeah, you did. That's why you're here drinking in the afternoon.

T.J.

That's not why I'm here drinking. I'm drinking because I'm upset.

LUKE

You're upset?! You abandoned Liz and your baby!

T.J.

Hey, I would never do that. I love your sister, Luke. She threw me out.

LUKE

That's not what she said.

T.J.

We came home from the fair. It was great. We were both happy. We made money. Then Liz goes to the doctor, and she comes home and tells me she's pregnant. I hug her. I kiss her. I'm crying, I'm so happy. Then I turn to grab the phone to tell the family, and an ashtray hits me in the back of the head, then a phone book and a stapler and our statue of a happy clown playing the saxophone.

LUKE

I'm not getting this.

T.J.

She's yelling at me saying things like, "this ain't gonna work. You're gonna mess this kid up. You can't raise a kid." She's saying, "this kid will grow up with no discipline. "It'll get out of control. Then we'll end up having to send it away." I tell her she's wrong. I'll do whatever's needed. I'll read every book on the subject, even though I hate reading worse than I hate public television. But Liz won't hear it. She tells me to go.

LUKE

She told you to go?

T.J.

So I packed a bag and left. I didn't want to, but Liz is always right about everything, and if my staying around is gonna screw up the kid like that, I'm gone, no questions asked.

LUKE

Oh, jeez, Liz. [Sighs]

T.J.

What?

LUKE

Have a seat, T.J. Give me a beer. Listen, T.J... Liz wasn't talking to you when she was saying all that stuff. She was talking to herself.

T.J.

I'm pretty sure she was talking to me. She kept saying my name.

LUKE

No, when she said you were gonna mess up the baby, she was saying something else. Just take out the "you." Make it an "I."

T.J.

She meant you're gonna screw up the baby?

LUKE

No, she meant she was.

T.J.

And I was.

LUKE

No, just her.

T.J.

Then why didn't she throw the ashtray at herself?

LUKE

Because she was taking it out on you.

T.J.

Oh. This is complicated.

LUKE

That's because people are. Sometimes they just don't say what they mean.

T.J.

Yeah I hate that it's hard enough following them when they're talking about what they're talking about.

LUKE

That's the trick with relationships, believe me. Look, you have to try to tune in what your partner means as opposed to what she's actually saying. They sometimes won't tell you how they're feeling, but your job is to try to figure out what she's saying from what she actually says.

T.J.

Wow.

LUKE

Yeah.

T.J.

I got none of that.

LUKE

It's okay. It's all gonna be okay. I'm gonna make this okay.

LORELAI

Ah, sorry.

EMILY

Lorelai, be careful.

LORELAI

I'm not used to driving a missile silo down the street.

EMILY

Oh, stop being so dramatic.

LORELAI

Yeah, wouldn't want to be dramatic.

EMILY

All right, get over here. You're going to turn right.

LORELAI

[car horn honks] Aaah! Sorry!

EMILY

Lorelai!

LORELAI

Well, it's a big freakin' car, mom.

EMILY

You're gonna give me a heart attack.

LORELAI

Mom, please, how long is this gonna go on? You won't tell me where we're going. You give me block-by-block instructions.

EMILY

My goodness Lorelai you've been complaining since we got started.

LORELAI

No, I haven't.

EMILY

When we had to go to three different drugstores?

LORELAI

Well, come on.

EMILY

I don't trust generic.

LORELAI

Mom, it's the same thing.

EMILY

If I'm willing to pay full price, then I deserve to have my drug bottle say "valium" on it.

LORELAI

Fine.

EMILY

I don't see why that's insane.

LORELAI

Fine.

EMILY

So, have you talked to Christopher lately?

LORELAI

Uh, no, not lately lately.

EMILY

I have.

LORELAI

Well, bully for you.

EMILY

You know, your father and I enjoyed our little sit-down with him very much.

LORELAI

Oh, I'm glad.

EMILY

You know, I'd forgotten what a handsome man Christopher is. He was wearing a very nice blue tie. And his hair is very short. Normally, I don't like a man's hair that short. It makes him look like a convict or a masseuse, but I think it works on him.

LORELAI

Yeah, I'm sure it does.

EMILY

He seemed lonely, though.

LORELAI

What?

EMILY

He's not dating anyone. I asked.

LORELAI

Well, he's got G.G.

EMILY

Who's G.G.?

LORELAI

His daughter, mom.

EMILY

Oh well, we didn't discuss that. But I could tell he was lonely.

LORELAI

I'm sure he's fine.

EMILY

You know, I've been racking my brain, trying to think of a nice girl to set him up with. Cezanne Moriarty just got divorced, and she looks wonderful. She'd go perfectly with his hair and tie. Cezanne Moriarty is 10 years older than Christopher.

EMILY

Lorelai, you were in the same class together.

LORELAI

I know. It's 'cause she was stupid. We used to call her "moroniarty."

EMILY

Well, Loretta singer's husband just died. She'll be back from Bali soon.

LORELAI

She's got a horse face.

EMILY

Not anymore.

LORELAI

She's not his type, mom.

EMILY

What about Brandi Covington? She's a lovely girl with a wonderful sense of humor.

LORELAI

"A wonderful sense of humor"?

EMILY

Yes.

LORELAI

What joke has Brandi Covington ever told?

EMILY

Well, I don't know.

LORELAI

She has a wonderful sense of humor. Tell me one of her jokes.

EMILY

I don't know any.

LORELAI

An amusing anecdote she's told?

EMILY

I don't know, Lorelai.

LORELAI

A giggle-inducing pun.

EMILY

Lorelai.

LORELAI

Dirty limericks, song parody.

EMILY

Well, she has a lovely laugh.

LORELAI

Oh, so she does not have a wonderful sense of humor, she can appreciate a wonderful sense of humor.

EMILY

I guess that's right.

LORELAI

Fine, tell me a joke she's laughed at.

EMILY

You're being impossible.

LORELAI

Mother, Christopher can get his own girls. Now, he's busy with G.G., But when the time is right, he'll date. Just sit back and let me drive.

EMILY

Rory thinks he's lonely, too.

LORELAI

[A car honk it's horn, Lorelai honks back.] I'm in a tank, pal! Come and get me!

RORY

Sheila's out today, so warn Mark that there's going to be an unexpected, enormous pile of annoyance on his desk and just to deal with it.

KIMBERLY

[Speaker phone] Hello?

RORY

[Rory picks up the hand set] Yes, hello. Is this Kimberly wells?

KIMBERLY

Yes, it is.

RORY

Thank you for taking my call, Ms. Wells.

KIMBERLY

Call me "Kimberly."

RORY

Okay, Kimberly, the reason I'm calling is...

KIMBERLY

Something to do with my interview with Huntzberger right?

RORY

Yes, it has to do with that.

BILL

Give 'em hell, Harry.

KIMBERLY

So, what's this about?

RORY

I'm calling to request a correction.

KIMBERLY

Oh, to what?

RORY

To everything that Mitchum said about me.

KIMBERLY

I'm looking at the piece now. He didn't say much about you.

RORY

Hmm. Well, that's the thing, he didn't use many words, but he said a lot.

KIMBERLY

"And Rory Gilmore, "I gave her her first internship at my Stamford paper, and now she's editor of the Yale Daily News." What part of that is wrong?

RORY

None of it, technically, but essentially, it's all a lie.

KIMBERLY

Did he give you an internship at the Stamford eagle-gazette?

RORY

Yes, he did, but...

KIMBERLY

And are you not editor of the Yale Daily News?

RORY

Well, I am, actually, but it's the impression he left that he gave me my start. He did not give me my start.

BILL

Tell her if a correction's not appropriate, maybe a clarification is.

RORY

That's dumb.

BILL

Doesn't hurt to ask.

KIMBERLY

Hello?

RORY

Sorry. I got distracted. Um, here's the thing, Mitchum is depicting me as one of the feathers in his cap. I am not one of his feathers.

KIMBERLY

Yes, but here's our thing, we can't print corrections to impressions. That would be chaos.

RORY

Even if the impression is wildly misleading?

KIMBERLY

Again, that's an impression. We don't correct impressions.

RORY

I see. What about a clarification?

BILL

Good girl.

KIMBERLY

We don't do those either.

RORY

I see.

KIMBERLY

I really need to run.

RORY

You know it's just gonna bug me forever that he put this out there.

KIMBERLY

That's showbiz.

RORY

Okay, you're right. I mean, I guess it's gonna be in people's recycling bins by tonight and totally forgotten by tomorrow, right?

KIMBERLY

Actually, I always hope that the stuff I work so hard on isn't just totally forgotten the next day.

RORY

Oh, yeah, well, me too. I mean, back at you, sister. Um, thank you for your time.

BILL

Wait, wait.

RORY

Could you hold on a second, please? [To Bill] What?

BILL

Ask her if there are any internships available, it could fax her my...

RORY

Ugh! Thank you for your time.

WOMAN

I tell him to clear the plates, and he's like, "I'm tired. I've been on my feet all day." And I'm like, "I don't care if you've been on your feet all day "at that crappy job that doesn't pay enough that we can even go to Dollywood once in a while."

LIZ

Yeah, that's not good, not going to dollywood. It's rude.

WOMAN

He could have taken one of his city tests, and maybe he could have been a cop or something, not that he could fire a gun straight. I kick his ass at the shooting range every time.

LIZ

Yeah, the yin of it, the yang of it totally...

LUKE

Liz?

LIZ

Oh, hey, big brother. Excuse me, girls.

LUKE

Um, who are they?

LIZ

They're the support group of single moms I hooked up with. They're horrible! All they do is bitch, bitch, bitch. I'd have left every one of them, too.

LUKE

So, Liz... look at me. Now, listen.

LIZ

I'm listening.

LUKE

You are gonna be a great mother to this kid.

LIZ

What?

LUKE

You heard me. You're in the best shape you've ever been. You've got money. Jess turned out fine. Your son turned out fine. He's doing great.

LIZ

Yeah, but...

LUKE

Put your fears aside. I know you can do this.

LIZ

I'm scared.

LUKE

But you've got help. You've got a good man. He loves you. He's gonna be a great dad, if you let him.

LIZ

If he'll forgive me. [Luke points outside, Liz looks] T.J.

LUKE

He was too afraid to come inside.

LIZ

He's not wearing a jacket.

LUKE

I told him to bring a jacket.

LIZ

He's always forgetting his jacket.

LUKE

All right, he needs you, you need him, now go to him. Make up, go home, okay? Go home with T.J.

LIZ

Thanks, Luke.

WOMAN

Where are you going, Liz?

LIZ

My man's here.

WOMAN

Oh, yeah. Looks like a real winner.

LUKE

So, can I get you ladies anything, compassion, perspective?

LORELAI

[Sighs] Okay, mom, what's next?

EMILY

You don't have to say it like that.

LORELAI

I just spent the last hour and a half watching you get a manicure.

EMILY

It's my standing appointment, Lorelai.

LORELAI

Yes, except I was the one standing 'cause there weren't enough seats.

EMILY

Well if I'd missed that appointment, it would be week before I could get another and I'd be walking around with hobo hands. Now, stop being so surly. This is the last stop.

EMILY

Great. You realize we're in Beacon Falls?

EMILY

So what?

LORELAI

So we've driven almost as far as Stars Hollow. Now I'll have to drive you all the way back to Hartford.

EMILY

Well, I'm sorry, Lorelai. Next time I have some sort of illness, you can put me on an iceberg and float me out to sea. Lets go.

LORELAI

This is a real-estate office. What errand do you have to run at a real-estate office?

EMILY

Are you coming?

LORELAI

Am I coming with you to the real-estate office?

EMILY

Don't forget to lock the door. I'm leaving my bananas here.

LORELAI

Mom, why are we going to a real-estate office? Mom! Ugh!

EMILY

Excuse me. I'm...

LORENE

Emily?

EMILY

Lorene, hi. I'm sorry if we're late. I had this awful surgery yesterday, and today has been a nightmare.

LORENE

Oh, I hope you're feeling all right.

LORELAI

Oh, she's fine. Dragging that cross around made her a little tired.

EMILY

Lorene, this is my daughter, Lorelai. She has headaches, and that tends to make her babble.

LORENE

Oh, I'm sorry. Can I get you some aspirin?

LORELAI

Oh, no, thanks. I'm okay. I've had the headache for 38 years.

EMILY

We are anxious to see those pictures.

LORELAI

What pictures?

LORENE

All right. Well, follow me. I have the whole presentation ready for you.

LORELAI

What presentation?

EMILY

Lorene, how are your twins?

LORENE

They are going to be seniors next fall.

EMILY

They grow up so fast, don't they?

LORELAI

Like weeds. What presentation are we looking at?

LORENE

Here we are.

LORELAI

Mom.

LORENE

So, I talked to the owner, and he said that they would be willing to throw in any of the furniture or appliances that we might like, completely up to you.

EMILY

Well, that's wonderful.

LORELAI

Why is that wonderful, why is throwing in furniture and appliances wonderful, mom?

EMILY

Go on, Lorene.

LORENE

Anyhow, the pictures are pretty complete, but I can get us in this weekend if you would like to take a closer look yourself.

LORELAI

Do you, mom? Do you want to take a closer look?

LORENE

This is only the second time that this house has been on the market in 100 years. It's got 5 bedrooms, 4 1/2 baths with a library, a sun porch. It's on 3 acres with a very small what they call a fishing hole, which is really a little pond, but it's very charming, and it has stables for horses.

EMILY

I thought so.

LORENE

The roof is in good shape, but I think that the plumbing will need some updating. But the sellers are motivated, and I think it's a pretty special property.

EMILY

I do, too. [To Lorelai] Don't you? Lorelai? Are you breathing?

LORELAI

Why are you looking at this house, mom?

EMILY

[To Lorene] Would you give us a minute?

LORENE

Of course. I'll be right over here if you need me.

EMILY

Well, what do you think?

LORELAI

Mom, please, tell me what is going on.

EMILY

I will tell you what's going on as soon as you tell me honestly what you think of this house.

LORELAI

I think it's fine.

EMILY

"Fine"?!

LORELAI

Mom, it doesn't look like your type of house at all.

EMILY

I did not ask if you thought it was my type of house. I asked what you thought of the house.

LORELAI

Well, I think it's a beautiful house.

EMILY

So do I.

LORELAI

You already have a beautiful house, mom.

EMILY

Oh I know, this house is not for me. It's for you.

LORELAI

[surprised] Me?

EMILY

You and Luke. Now, before you get your nose out of joint and accuse me of interfering, hear me out. I think your house is very nice. I know you've put a lot of work into it. But, Lorelai, it's too small for the two of you, especially when you have children, if you have children, I mean. A man needs his own space and room, and Luke does not have that at your house. Also, I know you've always wanted horses, so I thought something with a little property might be nice. Now, I know it's not actually in Stars Hollow, but it's right on the border. It's only an extra 10 minutes to the inn and an extra 5 minutes to the diner. Plus I did a little nosing around, and I heard that if you grease the palm of the stars hollow zoning commissioner, a man named Taylor Doose, you can get him to change property lines, so we can give you a stars hollow address if it's really important to you.

LORELAI

You want to buy us a house? [she get up to look at the pictures]

EMILY

Well, I know you're not going to let me give you a wedding, so I thought a house would do.

LORELAI

All that running around Stars Hollow, you and dad were looking for a house for me?

EMILY

Well of course, you didn't think we wanted to live there, did you? Small-town charm is good for a weekend, Lorelai, but I have no interest in having a next-door neighbor walk in with a pie, wanting to chat. I would kill myself and my neighbors. [Lorelai starting to look sad] Now, I'm sure Luke will need some convincing. He doesn't look like the kind of man who willingly takes extravagant gifts from people, so I've concocted a few good lies we can tell him. It's for his own good, and once the two of you in the house...

LORELAI

it's not gonna happen. [Starting to cry]

EMILY

What? Well, of course it will. If we have to pay more than the asking price, your father and I are totally prepared...

LORELAI

Luke and I, the wedding, it's not gonna happen.

EMILY

What?

LORELAI

[Sniffles]

SOOKIE

Jackson!

JACKSON

Keep up.

SOOKIE

Stop trotting.

JACKSON

We're on a mission here.

SOOKIE

The faster we move, the more chance there is we'll draw attention.

JACKSON

No, the slower we move, the more time there is to have people's attention drawn to us.

SOOKIE

I'm toting heavy bags here.

JACKSON

Don't say that out loud.

SOOKIE

I didn't say what was in the bag.

JACKSON

And not saying what's in the bag is going to make people think we have something in it we're hiding.

SOOKIE

[Sees a car go past] Narcs! [They hide] What the hell are the Petersons doing out this late?

JACKSON

They're bad. They're bad people.

SOOKIE

Said the people trying to ditch a kilo of weed.

JACKSON

Sookie, the code word!

SOOKIE

Pickles, pickles! I know, the pickles! Let's just get rid of this and go home.

JACKSON

[Grunting]

SOOKIE

Oh, god.

TROUBADOUR

Oh, hey, you two. What's up?

JACKSON

Nothing.

SOOKIE

Nothing's going on here.

TROUBADOUR

I just got the most incredible news. A tour manager was walking around town, and he heard me, and he asked me to open for Neil Young on a bunch of east coast dates.

JACKSON

Great.

SOOKIE

See you.

JACKSON

That was close.

SOOKIE

Does Neil toke? We could give all of this to the town troubadour to give to him.

JACKSON

I think if he tokes, he's already got a connection.

SOOKIE

Of course. He's Neil Young. [Gasps] Reverend Skinner.

JACKSON

Rabbi Moranz.

REVEREND SKINNER

Hello, you two.

JACKSON

What are you doing out this late?

SOOKIE

Yeah, what are you doing out this late?

RABBI MORANZ

Archie and I like to take a stroll around town at night.

REVEREND SKINNER

It's so quite.

RABBI MORANZ

Good time to talk about philosophy.

REVEREND SKINNER

Good time to talk about god.

JACKSON

Yes, it's a great time to talk about god.

SOOKIE

He's a good guy, that god.

RABBI MORANZ

Would you like to join us?

SOOKIE

We're going to hell.

JACKSON

Just keep running.

SOOKIE

AND JACKSON'S HOUSE

SOOKIE

Who is it?

LORELAI

Me.

SOOKIE

[Opens door] Oh.

JACKSON

Hey.

SOOKIE

Honey what are you doing here?

LORELAI

Can I come in?

SOOKIE

Of course.

JACKSON

Come on in. Can we get you something?

LORELAI

Um, no, thanks. I just need to hang out for a while.

SOOKIE

Sit, honey.

JACKSON

Yeah, sit.

LORELAI

Thanks. [Sighs... Inhales... Exhales deeply] What's that smell?

SOOKIE

68 pounds of marijuana.

LORELAI

Mmm.