T6E22: “Partings”

SOOKIE

AND JACKSON'S HOUSE – EXTERIOR

JACKSON

[OS] Is she still asleep?

SOOKIE

[OS]Yeah, so let's be super-quiet. Super-quiet, Davey!

JACKSON

Super-quiet, son!

SOOKIE

Like we're playing a game called "let's be super-quiet," and you win a prize if you're super-quiet!

JACKSON

A prize! Let's get him out the door! Let's get him out the door!

SOOKIE

Lunches! Come on, Davey. [runs into a chair] Ohh! Come on. Let's get your lunch.

JACKSON

This is fun.

SOOKIE

Here you go. Go give it to daddy. Okay.

JACKSON

Come to daddy, son.

SOOKIE

Shh! We're still playing the "super-quiet" game!

JACKSON

So, did she say anything else after I went to bed?

SOOKIE

Not a word. We sat and we had tea, but she was somewhere else the whole time.

JACKSON

Don't open the door, Davey. The door's loud.

SOOKIE

Let daddy open the door! I'm worried about her.

JACKSON

If she wanted to talk about what ever it is, she would have talked.

SOOKIE

I know what it is. It's Luke. I just, I don't know the specifics. Okay let's go.

JACKSON

Be very quiet going out the door, Davey.

SOOKIE

Super-quiet!

JACKSON

You're gonna win the prize.

SOOKIE

It's gonna be a super-fun prize!

JACKSON

Close the door for me?

SOOKIE

Got it.

JACKSON

Great job, son! High five!

WOMAN

Morning, Taylor.

TAYLOR

Good morning. Some weather, huh? If you don't like it, just wait five minutes. Top of the day to you, Mrs. Harris. Say hi to Maurice for me.

MRS. HARRIS

Will do!

TROUBADOUR

[Singing] A rare and wicked skill to change a lot of weather no room was spared no mood, show no mercy I was a tireless fool I thought I could do better I left in flames of paper shade hanging from a light and when it came to the victories the genus names of all the flowers that were feeding off her her amazing glow her amazing glow

RORY

oh, that's another good one.

LOGAN

No, it's not.

RORY

Hold it.

LOGAN

Yo, Alfred Stieglitz, stop with the pictures.

RORY

I prefer Cartier-Bresson.

LOGAN

My eyes are pale, very sensitive to the light.

RORY

You only graduate from college once, and I will document it to my heart's content, and you can't stop me.

LOGAN

At least I'm clothed in these.

RORY

Oh, yes, those shower photos will fetch me a bundle on the internet.

LOGAN

I don't even know why I'm doing this. Why am I doing this whole cap-and-gown thing?

RORY

Because the graduation ceremony is not only for the graduate. It's for the loved ones, too. We talked about this.

LOGAN

No, you talked, and I disagreed.

RORY

Then I ruled, and that's that.

LOGAN

I'm taking that Stalin biography away from you.

RORY

Come on. I don't want to be late.

LOGAN

[Sighs] You do realize you're putting yourself in the cross hairs.

RORY

Meaning?

LOGAN

There will be all manner of Huntzbergers in the audience.

RORY

Oh, I can avoid people with the best of them.

LOGAN

I didn't say "people." I said "Huntzbergers."

RORY

Don't worry your pretty little head about this. I'll take care of myself.

LOGAN

I just want you to be fully prepped.

RORY

[Looking at the camera] Oh-ho. I have outdone myself photographically. Every one of these is a keeper.

LOGAN

Okay that's a close-up of my naked butt. That's not a keeper.

RORY

You're right. That's a screen saver.

SPARKS

The olfactory sense is the sense that most strongly evokes memories of the past. Well, screw the past.

TROUBADOUR2

no one likes talkin' to a drunk unless he's buyin' nobody says hello when they're goodbye-in' unless they're Hawaiian

TROUBADOUR2

Well, hey, there, Taylor. Fancy seeing you here.

TAYLOR

I live here!

TROUBADOUR2

Beautiful.

TAYLOR

Is everyone seeing what's going on out here? Lucas, have you eyeballed the chicanery that's taking place outside?

LUKE

What? Eyed what?

TAYLOR

Balled, eyeballed these hooligans!

LUKE

How interested do I look in talking to you, Taylor?

TAYLOR

Not very.

LUKE

And this is the very peak of my interest.

TAYLOR

My god, there's another one!

KIRK

I have a theory, Taylor.

TAYLOR

Let's hear it.

KIRK

Our usual town troubadour, he was discovered last week on these very streets.

TAYLOR

Discovered?

KIRK

Some big-time music manager was limo-ing through town, and he caught one of the troubadour's songs, gave him an opening slot on Neil Young's tour.

TAYLOR

Who's Neil Young?

KIRK

One of the Monkees. Anyway I'm guessing when word hit the east coast troubadour community, every one of them thought to come to stars hollow for their shot at the big time.

TAYLOR

There's an east coast troubadour community?

KIRK

Oh, yes, our wandering musical storytellers. It's an honored American tradition going back to the puritans. Gierke Schoonhoven delighted his fellow pilgrims with his timely songs. His most popular was "a beaver ate my thumb." It was quite catchy. I wonder if Neil still does "Last Train to Clarksville." I love that song.

TAYLOR

[Exhales sharply]

TROUBADOUR3

[singing] I drive an '89 volvo have you seen it anywhere? 'Cause I can't seem to find it and no one seems to care I don't know how it happened I've never lost a car I might have to retrace my steps back to the bar I stepped into a puddle I'm bleeding from the lip my shirt mysteriously opens...

TAYLOR

Excuse me, uh, bohemian people! May I have your attention, please?

TROUBADOUR3

I'm kind of doing a song here.

TAYLOR

It won't take long. Please, people, your attention! I would just like to say that there is no bigger fan of music than the man standing before you. No memory is more precious to me than the one of my father taking me to the Hartford civic auditorium to see the great Pat Boone. But you, my friends, do not have the talent of Pat Boone. And if you insist on loitering and playing your hippie doo-wop music to the obvious detriment of the mercantile interests of this town, our authorities will forcibly remove you... with water hoses and canine units if necessary! Thank you for your time, and, uh... goodbye.

TROUBADOUR3

[She Picks up her stuff and moves on] Can you say "BTK"?

LORELAI

[Looking at her cell phone] Oh, shoot. [she dials]

RORY

You're grounded. Ha. Sorry, mom. Kimmy saw this guy at the mall who was a total Chachi, and he bought us a slurpee, and we totally lost track of time.

RORY

I called you twice. I left messages. I called the national guard, who didn't answer because they're all in Baghdad.

LORELAI

Well I just checked my messages.

RORY

I won't be ignored, Dan.

LORELAI

I know. I'm hiding my rabbit as we speak.

RORY

So what's the deal?

LORELAI

No deal. I, um, spent the night at Sookie's last night.

RORY

Why?

LORELAI

No reason, we were talking and it got late, so I crashed on her couch and woke up covered in jam.

RORY

Is everything all right?

LORELAI

Everything's fine. How's it going with you?

RORY

Well, Logan graduated.

LORELAI

Ah that's right, the graduation. Wow. How was it?

RORY

I'm here now. It was nice. Logan looked great, very dignified. He didn't trip. He remembered to wear pants.

LORELAI

He's quite a catch, that guy.

RORY

I was very proud of him. I'm just waiting for him to extricate himself from those people.

LORELAI

Oh his parents are there, hu?

RORY

Yep, they are with Logan, and I am standing a good 50 feet away.

LORELAI

As per the restraining order.

RORY

They're dragging him out for drinks, 30 minutes tops we're meeting back at the apartment, and then he'll be all mine. I've got the afternoon planned out.

LORELAI

Ah you're such a girlfriend. You should take him to the mall.

RORY

I'll think about it.

LORELAI

So, you take pictures?

RORY

Only about a thousand. I'll bring my camera tonight. Oh, listen, just a heads-up, I might have to duck out after drinks.

LORELAI

No! Why?

RORY

I made reservations at this crappy Italian restaurant with Chianti bottles hanging from the ceiling, and the husband and wife that own the place wind up screaming at each other after 8:00, we love it.

LORELAI

Sounds great.

RORY

Well it's our last night together for a while. I want it to be really special.

LORELAI

Sounds perfect.

RORY

I better get back. I'll see you tonight?

LORELAI

Okay, hon. See you tonight.

LORELAI

Hello! Babette! [Paul Anka comes up] Hi, buddy. Where's Babette?

MISS PATTY

Oh, she had to go, honey. I told her I'd take the morning shift. She told me to tell you that everything went fine. Paul Anka ate all his food, and then he did something weird with your nightgown.

LORELAI

Oh, are you cross-dressing again? I got here at 7:30. I gave him a little kibble and a new hoof, and he ran around the house a few times and then passed out in the corner. He's been quiet ever since.

LORELAI

Thank you guys for doing this, Patty. Paul Anka's never spent the whole night alone before.

MISS PATTY

Oh, it's our pleasure, sweetheart. So, you're staying out all night, huh? Anything illegal?

LORELAI

Oh, no, no. Just a little girls' night out. Or in, I should say. Sookie and I had a slumber party.

MISS PATTY

Oh, that sounds fun.

LORELAI

Do you want some coffee, Patty?

MISS PATTY

Oh, no, sweetheart. I need to get going. I'm teaching a cardio striptease class at 10:00. I have to make sure those poles are screwed in tight.

LORELAI

Okay.

LUKE

Lorelai, you here?

LORELAI

Tell him I'm not here.

MISS PATTY

What?

LORELAI

Patty, please. Tell him I'm not here. [Hides on Rory’s room]

MISS PATTY

No, no, but I... Luke, hi.

LUKE

What the hell are you doing here?

MISS PATTY

Oh, if I had a nickel for every time I heard that.

LUKE

[sounding worried] I'm looking for Lorelai.

MISS PATTY

Well, she's not here.

LUKE

Her Jeep's right out front.

MISS PATTY

Well all I know is she called to have me come and feed Paul Anka.

LUKE

Called from where?

MISS PATTY

I don't know. The inn, maybe.

LUKE

No, she’s not at the Inn I tried the Inn.

MISS PATTY

Well, uh, I-I don't know. You know, half the time people speak to me, I'm thinking about Baryshnikov. Did you see "turning point"?

LUKE

No.

MISS PATTY

Oh, that man was so beautiful.

LUKE

Yeah, I'm sure.

MISS PATTY

Pure sex walking. Flying, actually. That man could fly. Have you ever thought of taking dance?

LUKE

Me? No.

MISS PATTY

Well, maybe you might want to think about it. There's nothing sexier than a man in tights.

LUKE

Yeah, I'm sure that's true. Look, can you just tell Lorelai I came by?

MISS PATTY

Oh, of course I will, honey.

LUKE

Stop imagining me in tights, patty.

MISS PATTY

It's a free country, honey. [Luke leaves] He is so easy.

LORELAI

Thank you, patty.

MISS PATTY

Something going on with you and Luke?

LORELAI

It's nothing. We had a little fight, nothing big. I'm just...

MISS PATTY

Punishing him. Good for you. The longer the freeze-out, the better the makeup.

LORELAI

Yes, exactly. Listen thank you for doing this.

MISS PATTY

Oh, sure, any time. If you need anything else, just give me a call.

LORELAI

I will.

MISS PATTY

Oh, and, honey, don't freeze him out too long. Luke is a much better man than my first husband... or second husband. But he's neck and neck with the third one, though.

LORELAI

Okay.

MISS PATTY

Bye, Paul Anka! Thank you for letting me scratch your butt for an hour! Just like husband number four.

LORELAI

[Chuckles] Bye.

MITCHUM

Pete Michaels will be there for at least the first two months. You meet him in Omaha.

LOGAN

I know.

MITCHUM

He runs the department, so he's the one to see. He's a good guy. [cell phone rings] I got to go.

LOGAN

Yeah, I'll talk to you later.

MITCHUM

[On the phone] Yeah?

LOGAN

Hey.

RORY

What happened?

LOGAN

It took longer than I thought.

RORY

Way longer and I've got to leave for my grandparents' like right now.

LOGAN

To top it off, just as the family thing is winding down, a bunch of dad's business automatons came by and he made me stay to talk shop.

RORY

To talk shop.

LOGAN

Synergy and new media ventures in increasing shareholder value. I could hear my soul dying.

RORY

He's doing this on purpose.

LOGAN

I wouldn't put it past him.

RORY

Why is he doing this?

LOGAN

Look don't think about him. Just go, go to your thing. Get it over with. I'll wait for you here, go.

RORY

Okay.

LOGAN

No more thoughts about Mitchum.

RORY

Your right, no more thoughts.

LOGAN

Go.

MITCHUM

Yeah. At this number. Here, call me back. Bye. [Rory runs to the elevator, stops the doors and enters.] Oh. Hello, Rory... Were you at the ceremony? We didn't see you.

RORY

Yeah, I was there.

MITCHUM

Ah.

MITCHUM

We didn't see you.

RORY

Well, I was there... Did you know that Logan and I had plans to go out after the ceremony? I mean were you aware of that?

MITCHUM

No, I was not.

RORY

Yeah. 'Cause why would your son want to go out with his girlfriend the last day before he leaves, right?

MITCHUM

Rory...

RORY

And this gathering of yours, it turns into a business meeting on his graduation day? As if Logan's not gonna have enough time for that during the year you're forcing him to do in London.

MITCHUM

It wasn't exactly a business meeting.

RORY

Why are you doing this?

MITCHUM

Doing what?

RORY

Why are you taking him away from me. Why? Do you hate me that much?

MITCHUM

I don't hate you.

RORY

Yeah, right.

MITCHUM

Why would I hate you?

RORY

Because I'm dating your son.

MITCHUM

Logan's love life is his business. I don't get involved.

RORY

Oh, please. You have done nothing but get involved.

MITCHUM

How?

RORY

You're sending him away, 5,000 miles away. What other reason is there but to separate us?

MITCHUM

Well you flatter yourself if you think I put that much energy into thinking about your relationship.

RORY

Here's the lobby.

MITCHUM

Wait let's get this clear right now. I'm sending Logan away for one reason, because it is time, it is time for him to stop jumping out of planes in a gorilla mask and crashing boats and getting plastered every night and ending up in the hospital. It's time for him to stop being a child and to start being a man. It's time for him to start focusing on his future, and the only way he is gonna do that is to get him out of his environment and away from those dopes, Colin and Finn, and "The Life and Death Brigade" and get him on a path. Logan is talented he’s talented. He's my son. I want him to achieve something. And he needs a push. It's what my father did with me. He pushed me, I grew up, and now Logan is gonna grow up. Anything here you're not agreeing with? [Rory is quite] I didn't think so.

YO LA TENGO

[singing] And we tried we tried with all our might we tore the playhouse down we ran headlong in our way yeah, we tried so hard we stared at the sun too long...

CLIFF

got your mail here, Taylor.

TAYLOR

Thanks, cliff. I guess the last group of miscreants didn't get word that troubadours are "persona non grata" in STARS HOLLOW. Just one more rat I have to exterminate. See ya, cliff. [Taylor look out to the town square to see dozens of troubadours playing.]

EMILY

Gerta, you're half my age. Why do I always beat you to the door?

LORELAI

Hi, mom.

EMILY

Hello, Lorelai. So, just you tonight?

LORELAI

Well, I know how mad you get when I bring the insane clown posse with me.

EMILY

So no Luke?

LORELAI

Luke's working.

EMILY

All right. So, how are we?

LORELAI

We're good. We’re Fine. We're starving. We'd love a drink.

EMILY

Your father's making martinis in the living room. [To the maid] Oh, now your legs work. Here, hang these up. And eat something with sugar!

RORY

[OS] That's it. [Emily make there way to the living room] I'll take care of the rest. Just say whatever it takes and get him out of there about 9:30. I trust you, Finn... No, it's not a surprise you've never heard anyone say that before. Just get Colin and get him out of there. Bye. [Hangs up the phone] Sorry, everyone. I'm off it for good now.

RICHARD

Hello, Lorelai.

LORELAI

Thanks, dad. Hello. What's this?

RICHARD

Don't touch that!

RORY

He slapped my hand earlier.

EMILY

It is top secret.

LORELAI

Oh, my god. It's the weapons of mass destruction. Quick, get the president on the phone.

RICHARD

Lorelai.

LORELAI

If he's not in the oval office, try the ice-cream room.

EMILY

Just tell them what it is, Richard.

RICHARD

Well, it looks like we're going to receive a tidy little settlement from the charlatan that botched your mother's eye surgery.

EMILY

A very tidy settlement.

RICHARD

And we've decided to add it to the money we're donating to Yale.

LORELAI

Thank god. Finally a hot meal for the lacrosse team.

EMILY

We're adding it to the money we're donating in Rory's name.

RORY

Oh, goody. They didn't forget.

EMILY

And with that extra money, we can now afford what is on the table right in front of you. Richard, do the honors.

RICHARD

All right. Miss Rory Gilmore, may I present... your building.

RORY

What?!

EMILY

Your science building.

RICHARD

On the Q.T., A friend of mine who knows the architect snagged the model for me. It's a beaut, isn't it? Built perfectly to scale.

EMILY

Very sleek. And there's plenty of wall space inside for a portrait.

RORY

Of who?

EMILY

Of you.

RICHARD

And look right here. My friend attached a placard to the front of the building.

LORELAI

[Reading the placard] The Rory Gilmore Astronomy Building.

RORY

Um, grandpa...

EMILY

They're going to start construction this summer, so it should be up and running by Christmas.

RORY

Is this the actual lettering? I mean, is this the scale?

RICHARD

I don't know. Although the style is very dignified.

EMILY

I'm sure we can request this lettering if you like.

RICHARD

It's your building, so why not?

RORY

Because the lettering would be 30 feet high.

LORELAI

Well honey it's the astronomy building. You have to be able to see it from space.

RICHARD

I don't know whether it's to scale.

RORY

Well is there someone we can call to check?

EMILY

Relax, Rory. She's so modest.

LORELAI

Relax, Rory. Remember when you wanted a personalized license plate? So much better.

EMILY

We're going to try to get them to add another floor so that it's taller than everything around it.

RICHARD

Make it stand out a bit more.

RORY

More than this?!

LORELAI

I love the portrait idea.

RORY

Who's not helping?

LORELAI

Hmm?

GERTA

Excuse me, everyone. Christopher Hayden has arrived.

EMILY

Christopher, how wonderful. Come in. Come in.

LORELAI

W-what are you doing here?

CHRISTOPHER

I was invited. [Leans down to kiss Lorelai on the cheek, then Rory]

LORELAI

[Sounding like she's 16] Shut up! Me too!

EMILY

We promised Christopher a home cooked meal last time we saw him, and since we're leaving for Europe, for the next 2 months, [kisses Emily] this was the last chance we had to make good on that promise.

RICHARD

You can call a Gilmore many things, but you can't call him a welsher.

LORELAI

What are the things you can call him, just for future reference?

CHRISTOPHER

I'm very grateful for the invitation, Emily.

RICHARD

Martini, Christopher?

CHRISTOPHER

Sounds good. What's this?

LORELAI

Oh it's Rory's building.

RORY

It's not my building.

CHRISTOPHER

It's got your name on it. Wow are those letters to scale?

RORY

Oh, boy.

CHRISTOPHER

'Cause it's gonna be huge.

RORY

Yeah. Okay dad, you can take my seat because I have to go legally change my name and transfer to brown.

LORELAI

Honey, now come on. We have teased you way worse than this before. Remember when you were 10 and thought you discovered U2?

RORY

I should get going. Logan's leaving in the morning.

EMILY

Oh, that's right. Tell him to have a safe trip.

RORY

I will.

EMILY

[Doorbell rings] My goodness. It's grand central station here tonight. Come on, Rory. I'll walk you out.

LORELAI

Bye, honey.

RORY

Bye.

RICHARD

Christopher. [hands him a drink]

CHRISTOPHER

Thank you. So, he's leaving, huh?

LORELAI

Yeah he's going to London to work for his dad.

RICHARD

She should be very proud of that boy.

LORELAI

She should buy him an observatory.

EMILY

[Coming back in to the room] Well, look who I found outside.

RICHARD

Oh. Carolyn.

CAROLYN

Hello, Richard. How wonderful to see you, especially standing so close to a martini.

RICHARD

[Chuckling] Oh, Carolyn, that sense of humor of yours. One martini coming right up.

EMILY

Carolyn, this is my daughter, Lorelai. Lorelai, this is Carolyn Bates... "Lynnie" to those in the know.

LORELAI

Oh, am I in the know?

CAROLYN

You are now. Nice to meet you.

LORELAI

You too.

EMILY

And, Lynnie, this is Christopher Hayden.

CHRISTOPHER

Nice to meet you.

RORY

Lynnie, olives or a twist?

CAROLYN

Olives, please.

EMILY

Lynnie's mother and I go so far back, I'm embarrassed to talk about it. Lorelai, you remember my talking about Marie Randle. We were roommates in college.

LORELAI

ar-hu

EMILY

Well, Lynnie is her daughter, and she just moved to Hartford, so, of course, we promised her a dinner. And since we're going to be out of town for the next couple of months, tonight seemed like the perfect opportunity.

LORELAI

Tonight she's settling up all old debts, huh?

RICHARD

Lynnie, I've got your two olives.

CAROLYN

Thank you very much, Richard.

EMILY

[Too Lorelai] Move.

LORELAI

What?

EMILY

Move [grabbing Lorelai’s arm]

LORELAI

Ow! The arm is supposed to be connected to the body!

EMILY

Lynnie, sit down next to Christopher. Lorelai's gonna sit with me.

CAROLYN

Okay.

EMILY

You know Lynnie is a psychologist. Isn't that fascinating?

CAROLYN

I do a lot of work with family counseling, runaways and drug recovery.

LORELAI

Arm-yanking rehab. [Emily pinches her] Ow!

EMILY

Lynnie just moved here from Maine. Isn't that interesting? I've never been to Maine. Christopher: Have you ever been to Maine?

CHRISTOPHER

Uh, no, but I like lobster.

CAROLYN

Well, then, you're in.

EMILY

I tell you, Lynnie, you're a card, just like your mother. Christopher you should meet her mother. [Lorelai and Chris share a look] She's a stitch. Isn't Lynnie's mother a stitch, Richard?

RICHARD

She's an entire seam, Emily.

EMILY

It's so important to find someone who can make you laugh. I was always so envious of Johnny Carson's wives. I just thought these women must do nothing but laugh all the time. How's your drink, Lynnie?

CAROLYN

Very potent. Thank you, Emily.

EMILY

Well, potent is good because tonight is a party. Which reminds me, Christopher Lynnie once threw her mother the most wonderful birthday party. I think she made the cake herself, didn't you, Lynnie? [She nods] Oh, these days a woman who can bake is a rare treasure, isn't she? And Lynnie is a Leo.

SONIC YOUTH

[Singing] Give me hollow stimulation it's so sleazy to be free Let's invest in dull creation thrill city cheap legacy what a waste you're so chaste I can't wait to taste your face

TAYLOR

Stop, go home this is private property, stop that jumping, stop that jumping right now, there’s no jumping in the town square. Officer Ruskin, what took you so long? I called you hours ago.

OFFICER RUSKIN

Well, I'm here now, Taylor. What do you need?

TAYLOR

Handcuff these ruffians and take them away.

OFFICER RUSKIN

In what?

TAYLOR

In your car.

OFFICER RUSKIN

Well, I came on my bike.

TAYLOR

Why?

OFFICER RUSKIN

Fred took the car. Plus my handcuffs are broken.

TAYLOR

Well, then, find an appropriate vehicle to haul them away.

OFFICER RUSKIN

My sister has an S.U.V. But she's out of town, though.

TAYLOR

Well, then, line them up and have them follow you to jail.

OFFICER RUSKIN

I could do that, but it's a single cell, though. It holds two, maybe three if they're not fat. And we don't have any food.

TAYLOR

Oh, forget it... Barney Fife.

OFFICER RUSKIN

My brother has a pinto.

TAYLOR

Patty, don't do that.

MISS PATTY

But they're hungry.

TAYLOR

If you feed them, they won't go away.

TROUBADOUR

Taylor! How'd you let this happen? This is my turf, Taylor!

TAYLOR

How did I let this happen? This is your fault. You had to go off and make it in the big time, and now they're all copying you.

TROUBADOUR

The big time? I made 700 bucks and got booed. And I never even met Neil Young. Heart of gold, my ass.

TAYLOR

I suddenly feel very tired.

MISS PATTY

Would you like a tiramisu?

TAYLOR

No, I think I'd just like to go to bed. Tell everybody to try and keep it down. God, I hate music.

DANIEL PALLADINO

[Singing] A beaver ate my thumb a beaver ate my thumb a doctor gave me rum 'cause a beaver ate my thumb wow!

CAROLYN

How old?

CHRISTOPHER

4 going on 40.

EMILY

And a doll, a living doll.

CAROLYN

Enjoy them while their legs are still short enough for you to overtake them.

CHRISTOPHER

That's good advice, doc, thanks.

LORELAI

Excuse me. I'm just gonna go to the restroom.

EMILY

Well, hurry back. Dinner's almost on.

LORELAI

Yes, ma'am.

CAROLYN

My sister just had twins last week.

CHRISTOPHER

Twins? Wow, that sounds...

CAROLYN

loud?

CHRISTOPHER

[Chuckling] Exactly.

EMILY

I'm sorry, I know I'm being very forward, but the picture of the two of you sitting there so young, so beautiful, it's almost like looking at a shampoo ad.

LORELAI

Oh, my god. What are you doing?

CHRISTOPHER

[Closes the door] What do you mean what am I doing? I thought "restroom" was code for "follow me, and we'll talk about how to get you out of this."

LORELAI

What the hell kind of spy school did you go to?

CHRISTOPHER

Oh, I'm here now, so let's figure out how to get me out of this.

LORELAI

Out of what?

CHRISTOPHER

What do you mean, "out of what"? This is a setup.

LORELAI

So it seems.

CHRISTOPHER

I can't believe Emily would do this.

LORELAI

You're talking about Emily Dickinson, right? 'Cause Emily Gilmore was made to do this.

CHRISTOPHER

I thought I was having dinner with you and Rory. I didn't realize I was going on a date.

LORELAI

Well luckily you didn't get ugly overnight.

CHRISTOPHER

Thanks a lot, by the way.

LORELAI

What did I do?

CHRISTOPHER

Nothing! You're just sitting there, not saying anything.

LORELAI

What are you talking about? When mom said, "doesn't he look like Cary Grant?" I said, "yes."

CHRISTOPHER

You're just letting this happen.

LORELAI

I’m not just letting this happen.

CHRISTOPHER

You can't see that I'm miserable out there?

LORELAI

No, I can't. You seem fine. You're talking to her.

CHRISTOPHER

She’s talking to me what am I supposed to do, slap her in the mouth?

LORELAI

That would be a conversation stopper.

CHRISTOPHER

I assumed at some point you'd jump in and try and save me.

LORELAI

By doing what?

CHRISTOPHER

I don't know, deflect, detract, get the conversation off her and me and us.

LORELAI

I'm sorry. I didn't know you needed saving.

CHRISTOPHER

[Laughing] Oh, come on.

LORELAI

"Oh, come on"? How do I know you don't want to date her? You're single. She's single. You're pretty. She's pretty. It's how all great divorces start.

CHRISTOPHER

How did I used to get out of here?

LORELAI

What are you talking about?

CHRISTOPHER

In high school, I'd be in your room. I had several ways of sneaking out of here.

LORELAI

Chris!

CHRISTOPHER

Which drainpipe was it that I used to crawl down?

LORELAI

Christopher!

CHRISTOPHER

I think I used to get to it from the attic window, does the attic window still access the drainpipe that drops you off by the garage?

LORELAI

You do know you're grown up now. You can just walk out the front door.

CHRISTOPHER

If I just leave, I'll insult your parents.

LORELAI

But vanishing into thin air, way more polite.

CHRISTOPHER

It's only 8:00! This night's gonna last forever. We haven't even had dinner yet.

LORELAI

[Laughs] Relax. Now that I know you're not interested in her...

CHRISTOPHER

I'm not!

LORELAI

Okay. Now that I know, I can help you out.

CHRISTOPHER

You will?

LORELAI

Yeah, I got your back.

CHRISTOPHER

Okay, thank you.

LORELAI

You're welcome. I know you always got mine.

CHRISTOPHER

Always.

LORELAI

So, it wasn't code, you know. I got to...

CHRISTOPHER

Yes, right. I'll see you back in the living room.

LORELAI

Yeah.

RICHARD

Very interesting dinner, Emily.

EMILY

It's paella. I got the recipe from Hilde Macintosh , whose son married a Spanish girl. God knows how long it's going to last, but the food at their wedding was wonderful. Do you like it, Lynnie?

CAROLYN

I do.

EMILY

Not too spicy?

CAROLYN

I like spicy food.

EMILY

Do you? Well, Christopher, did you hear that? Lynnie likes spicy food, and so do you. Isn't that something?

CHRISTOPHER

Uh, yes. Small world.

LORELAI

Hey, Lynnie, I have a recurring dream where a walrus waddles up, lies down on me, falls asleep, and I can't breathe. What do you think it means?

RICHARD

Lorelai...

LORELAI

What dad Lynnie is a psychologist. She should know.

CAROLYN

It's okay. Umm It could mean a myriad of things, too much stress at work, something in your life is strangling you, you've read "Alice in Wonderland" too many times.

EMILY

Touché, Lynnie.

RICHARD

She's got wit and wisdom, this one.

EMILY

You know, Christopher does the Sunday New York times puzzle every single week.

LORELAI

Hey, what's it called when you're afraid of spiders?

CAROLYN

Arachnophobia.

EMILY

You have arachnophobia?

LORELAI

No.

RICHARD

Thank goodness.

LORELAI

What's it called when you're afraid of people who are afraid of spiders? ‘Cause that one I’ve got.

EMILY

Oh, lord.

CAROLYN

I don't think there's a technical term for that yet.

LORELAI

How about arachnophobiaphobia? 'Cause that makes sense.

EMILY

You know, Christopher, Lynnie...

LORELAI

voices in your head, totally normal right?

CAROLYN

Excuse me?

LORELAI

There's only two... that speak English.

EMILY

Lorelai, eat your Paella.

RORY

So, Christopher, how's business going?

CHRISTOPHER

It's really been picking up lately.

CAROLYN

What do you do?

CHRISTOPHER

Oh, I'm in computer software.

CAROLYN

That sounds exciting.

CHRISTOPHER

Can be, it's a lot of traveling, actually...

CAROLYN

I love traveling. It's one thing I miss about my job.

LORELAI

You know what I think is even better than traveling? Time-traveling. Do you think that's possible?

CAROLYN

I would have no idea.

EMILY

Lorelai, are you having some kind of breakdown?

RICHARD

You're very quiet, Christopher.

CHRISTOPHER

Well, I, uh –

LORELAI

Lynnie, as a psychologist, tell me what do you think of "The Sopranos"?

CAROLYN

Actually, I miss Adriana.

LORELAI

Oh, so do I.

EMILY

Lorelai!

LORELAI

What? I was serious about that one.

EMILY

That's it. No more talk until dessert.

COLIN

Come on! One more stop!

LOGAN

I can't.

FINN

But tomorrow you'll fly away to London and we will forget all about you.

LOGAN

I'm touched, but Rory will be back in a minute.

COLIN

You know I'm starting to get the feeling you'd rather be with her, than us.

FINN

Impossible.

LOGAN

I appreciate the drinks and the diversion. Your friendship is worth a couple pages in my memoir. But as of now, it's goodbye. I'm spending the rest of the night alone with my girl.

RORY

[British accent] Hello, governor. Chips?

LOGAN

I'm sorry. I was looking for my girlfriend.

RORY

Oh, I'm sorry, mate. No girlfriends here. Just us birds and blokes taking the piss out of each other.

LOGAN

Your accent is terrible, by the way.

RORY

Just go with it, you geezer. Now we’ve heard that you're about to fly away to old blighty, and word 'round the pub has it you're not happy about it.

LOGAN

Well, I'm leaving a couple people I'm pretty fond of... and some people I'm a little afraid of, but all in all...

RORY

Well, we're just going to have to change your mind, because London, you see, is a place of fun and musical excitement, the queen, hello! Magazine.

LOGAN

You're gonna break into a chorus of "Imim Chimney" any minute.

RORY

Shush, now. None of that talk. Because tomorrow, brilliant things will happen, a new life, a new adventure. You like adventure, don't you, mate? Well, London is certainly the place for that, and we, frankly, would not be the fine chaps we claim to be if we did not send you off in a proper way, [Raises her voice] with the bash of a lifetime! [cheering from the party goers] Come on. Someone get this chap a pint. See if you can't be happy, at least you can be drunk.

LOGAN

Kiss me, Mary Poppins.

RORY

[Normal voice] Really I thought it was more Gwyneth Paltrow, "Shakespeare in love."

LOGAN

Kiss me.

MAN

To the queen!

EVERYONE

To the queen! [Cheers]

EMILY

Well, that was a complete waste of time.

LORELAI

What are you talking about?

EMILY

I’m talking about Christopher and Carolyn leaving separately.

LORELAI

Well, come on, mom. What did you think? They were gonna throw down and consummate it right here in the foyer?

EMILY

No, I didn't think they were gonna throw down and consummate it in the foyer. I just thought they could go out for coffee.

LORELAI

You served them coffee.

EMILY

So what?

LORELAI

You can't be shocked when you serve people three cups of coffee, and they don't feel like going out for coffee. Not everyone is me.

EMILY

I just thought they would have hit it off better, than that.

LORELAI

Well you never know with these things.

EMILY

I was just so sure. Oh, well. Maybe next time.

LORELAI

Absolutely.

EMILY

Christopher's probably too immature for Lynnie, anyway.

LORELAI

I'm sure he is.

EMILY

The way he was going on and on about that motorcycle of his. I half expected him to start talking about his Tonka truck and announcing to the room he wanted to be a fireman or a cowboy someday.

LORELAI

Sure is nice when it's not me. All right, bye, mom. Have a nice trip.

EMILY

Goodbye, Lorelai. [Shuts the door] Gerta, did I fire you?

GERTA

No.

EMILY

Really? Everything's off tonight.

CAROLYN

You also know that it is one meal, and one meal does not a lifestyle make. That's okay, Sandra. All right. Okay. Call anytime. I'll talk to you on Monday. [Too Lorelai] Sorry. I'm blocking you in.

LORELAI

No, no, that's okay. So, you do sessions over the phone?

CAROLYN

I do sessions whenever people need them.

LORELAI

Wow. That's quite a commitment.

CAROLYN

Well, I've always been a good listener. Excellent note-taker. I have fantastic penmanship. Good head-nodding abilities.

LORELAI

You found your calling.

CAROLYN

[Chuckles] I think I did.

LORELAI

So, it was nice meeting you.

CAROLYN

Oh, you too. You too. This was, this was really very sweet of your mom.

LORELAI

Well, you keep thinking that.

CAROLYN

Hey, it's been a long time since I've been invited to such a blatant setup. It made me miss my own mom. [Cell phone rings] Oh, I'll just let it go to voice mail.

LORELAI

Your work sure follows you around, huh?

CAROLYN

When you're going through something, you never know when you're gonna need to talk. Sometimes it sneaks up on you.

LORELAI

Yeah, I suppose so.

CAROLYN

You okay?

LORELAI

Me? Yeah, yeah, I'm good. It was really nice meeting you. Sorry if I talked too much during dinner. Every now and then, I just feel the need to re-enact certain key scenes from "Purple Rain," you know, for a captive audience. The lake Minnetonka scene really bugs my mom, so...

CAROLYN

I could analyze that one for you if you want.

LORELAI

That one, I've got a handle on. Other things are more fuzzy, but that one, I got.

CAROLYN

Okay. [awkward pause] Lorelai?

LORELAI

Yeah?

CAROLYN

Do you... do you want to talk about something?

LORELAI

Me? No, no, I'm good. It was nice meeting you. Bye. I got to go.

LORELAI

My parents have been married for 40 years, and that's, like, mind-blowing for me because there is no one worse at communication than my mother, except my father and most of my relatives. It is not a chatty group, basically. Everything in the Gilmore house was "don't talk about it. Shove it aside." Of course, I talked about it and shoved it right in your face, but still, I don't know. I never saw myself getting married.

CAROLYN

Never?

LORELAI

Not until max asked me... I think. I mean I guess I thought about marrying Christopher when everyone was freaking out because I was pregnant, but I never thought about it in a longingly, good way.

CAROLYN

That could be why.

LORELAI

Why?

CAROLYN

Well, marriage was just a solution to a problem, not anything romantic or because you were in love. Plus it came from your parents.

LORELAI

I love that I've got one more thing to blame my mother for.

CAROLYN

What about max? Did you love him?

LORELAI

No, I didn't. I wanted to, but... I didn't. I don't think I never really loved anyone, until Luke. Did I tell you I proposed?

CAROLYN

No. You didn't.

LORELAI

I did. I saw this guy in front of me who was a real... man. He was solid, and he was strong. He would protect me, but he, he got me. I knew all that when we started dating. But that moment, when I realized how much he cared for Rory, that was it. Suddenly I knew I was ready.

CAROLYN

Did he accept right away?

LORELAI

Pretty much... Hey, where's the weirdest place you ever had a session?

CAROLYN

Skull mountain at six flags.

LORELAI

So, not this.

CAROLYN

Nope, not this.

LORELAI

Well, not only have I screwed up your night, but it's not even a good story.

CAROLYN

It's still a pretty good story.

LORELAI

Yeah, that's good, 'cause I like to entertain. You know. I should have been a monkey in Washington square park with, like, a snappy hat. I feel so stupid. I really had myself believing it was gonna happen. I bought that stupid dress, and now it's just hanging there, mocking me. And the crazy thing is, I am ready to get married. I am ready to start the next phase of my life. I want another kid, and I, I don't want to wait anymore. I don't want to be patient. I've been patient long enough. I'm not happy, and I feel crappy all the time. And I just think I've had it.

CAROLYN

So... what are you gonna do? Only you can make you wait. Nobody else can. You need to decide what you want and what you're willing to give up to get it, and then you got to be okay with that, or you got to be okay with waiting.

LORELAI

I could lose him if I push too hard.

CAROLYN

You don't really seem to have him now, at least not the way you want to have him. You won't get anything unless you ask for it. And if you ask for it and you don't get it, maybe it wasn't worth having in the first place. Some things are just never meant to be, no matter how much we wish they were.

LORELAI

I can only imagine what you could do if you had a couch.

RORY

Want to put money on who nails the queen?

LOGAN

I think her highness is pretty safe tonight.

RORY

Why? I thought Jenny and Paul broke up.

LOGAN

They got back together this morning.

RORY

Do the boys know?

LOGAN

No.

RORY

Are you gonna tell them?

LOGAN

No.

RORY

Well, watching your best friends waste precious scoring moments, you can get kicked out of the club for that.

LOGAN

Yeah, well... you know, I have given a lot of great parties in my lifetime.

RORY

Oh, I know.

LOGAN

But I do believe that this one has topped them all.

RORY

Hey, it's not over. We have hours to go. There's plenty of beer left, and no one's slugged Finn yet, so...

LOGAN

Thank you.

RORY

My pleasure... You want more beer?

LOGAN

No.

RORY

More Twiglets, Cadburys?

LOGAN

I'm good.

RORY

Do you want try the Frug again? ‘Cause I think my cramp has gone away.

LOGAN

Tell me not to go.

RORY

What?

LOGAN

Tell me not to get on that plane. Tell me to blow off my father, the paper, the whole Huntzberger destiny. Just tell me I can figure something else out. Just tell me not to go.

RORY

Well, I can't do that.

LOGAN

Hey, you afraid the teacher's gonna see or something?

PETULA CLARK

Don't stand in the pouring rain, don't sleep in the subway...

LUKE

No, I can't just charge you for half a cup of coffee.

TROUBADOUR

But I'm not gonna drink the whole cup. Seems like a gyp.

LUKE

Well.

LORELAI

Hey. I need to talk to you.

LUKE

Where have you been?

LORELAI

It doesn't matter.

LUKE

What are you talking about it doesn’t matter, I've been looking everywhere for you. I tried your cell. I went by the inn. Patty was at your house.

LORELAI

Let's elope.

LUKE

[Stunned] What?

LORELAI

Come on, Luke. Grab your keys. Let's go.

LUKE

Elope?

LORELAI

You said that would be fine at Martha's Vineyard. Didn't you say that would be fine at Martha's Vineyard?

LUKE

Yes, I did. I'm just...

LORELAI

Come on, then! Let's go! We can drive to Maryland. What the hell, right? I mean, you have to see Maryland eventually. We can drive there, get married, and then come back here. And you'll get your stuff, and you'll move in.

LUKE

Okay, hold on.

LORELAI

I mean we have the plan already, right? We just have to put the plan in motion.

LUKE

Let's calm down. We don't have to figure all this out now, do we?

LORELAI

Yes, we do, because we've been waiting and putting it off, and I don't want to put it off anymore.

LUKE

But right now?

LORELAI

Yes, now is the right time. It's the best time because it's now!

LUKE

Come on. [Opens the door]

LORELAI

Your car or mine?

LUKE

Lorelai, let's just talk this through.

LORELAI

No I don’t wanna talk, all we've done for months is talk. I want to do. I want to go.

LUKE

We can't just take off and get married.

LORELAI

Why not, Luke? Don't you love me?

LUKE

You know I do.

LORELAI

But I love you, Luke. I love you. But I have waited, and I have stayed away, and I have let you run this thing, and no more. I asked you to marry me, and you said yes.

LUKE

Yeah, I'm just trying to think here.

LORELAI

We fixed up the house, right? We have a bigger closet, and I didn't get the purple wallpaper because you didn't want the purple wallpaper. And if it's between you and the purple wallpaper, I pick you!

LUKE

I didn't tell you not to get the purple wallpaper.

LORELAI

Oh my God you didn't like it.

LUKE

I don't care about wallpaper!

LORELAI

Do you care about me?

LUKE

Yes!

LORELAI

Because I'm going crazy here. I made a commitment to you, and I need to make it happen.

LUKE

It will, it will happen, okay? I just have April to consider.

LORELAI

But once we're married, everything with April will be fine. Anna said so.

LUKE

Anna said so, what does that mean?

LORELAI

When I talked to Anna...

LUKE

When did you talk to Anna?

LORELAI

After the party...

LUKE

I didn’t know you talked to Anna, you weren't supposed to talk to Anna.

LORELAI

I know. I'm sor... God, no! I'm not gonna defend myself! For months now, I've been skulking around not saying anything, not having an opinion, like I'm Clarence Thomas or something, and I... I'm done with that. I-I've been waiting for a long time, and I don't want to wait anymore.

LUKE

I have to think this through.

LORELAI

No!

LUKE

I have April!

LORELAI

You're gonna have to figure out how April fits into our lives, not the other way around.

LUKE

I'm trying.

LORELAI

Well, try married!

LUKE

Just wait!

LORELAI

No! I'm not waiting! It's now or never!

LUKE

I don't like ultimatums!

LORELAI

I don't like Mondays, but unfortunately they come around eventually.

LUKE

I can't just jump like this.

LORELAI

Well, I'm sorry to hear that. [Sniffles] And I have to go.

SAM PHILLIPS

[Singing] When I take a picture of the city it disappears it's only a photograph the city is gone places I go are never there the places I go are never the-e-e-e-re and nostalgia isn't what it used to be I can only picture the disappearing world when you touch me.

CHRISTOPHER

Hey.

LORELAI

[Almost crying] Hey.

CHRISTOPHER

You okay?

LORELAI

Uh, I'm having a really bad night, and, um... I just don't want to be alone. Okay?

CHRISTOPHER

Yeah. Uh, come on in.

LOGAN

Rory.

RORY

Logan?

LOGAN

Don't get up.

RORY

You're dressed. Why are you dressed?

LOGAN

My bags are already in the car.

RORY

The car?

LOGAN

It's downstairs. I just wanted to tell you...

RORY

[Jumps up out of bed] I'll be five minutes. I just have to find the closet.

LOGAN

Relax.

RORY

I'll just grab shoes and a coat.

LOGAN

No.

RORY

No shoes. Just a coat.

LOGAN

You don't have to come.

RORY

Your leaving, I have to go with you to the airport.

LOGAN

No.

RORY

I have to go to say goodbye.

LOGAN

Rory, no.

RORY

Yes. I have to wave to you at the gate.

LOGAN

They won't let you. They'll stop you at security.

RORY

Okay, well, I'll wave to you at the metal detectors.

LOGAN

Rory...

RORY

I have to go with you.

LOGAN

No!

RORY

Yes. You are leaving for London. Who knows when we'll see each other again?

LOGAN

I thought that was all set.

RORY

What was all set?

LOGAN

Christmas, thanksgiving, Guy Fawkes day.

RORY

That's so far away. I...

LOGAN

Rory, if you come with me, I won't get on the plane... I've paid for the apartment for the next year, so you don't have to worry about that. There's still a few weeks left on the car service, so use it whenever you want. I know that you won't, but just in case you need to. I'll call you when I get in, okay?

RORY

[Sniffles]

LOGAN

What?

RORY

[Sniffles] I keep trying to think of fabulous things to say, but all I can think is, "say hi to William and Harry for me." [Sniffles]

LOGAN

I love you, ace.

RORY

[Chuckles] That's so much better than "say hi to William and Harry for me."

LOGAN

I have to go.

CHRISTOPHER

[OS] G.G., Come get your coat.

G.G.

[OS] Not that coat. The pink coat.

CHRISTOPHER

[OS] Miriam, where's the pink coat?

MIRIAM

[OS] She doesn't have a pink coat.

CHRISTOPHER

[OS] G.G.! Come back here!

G.G.

[enters the room] Who is that?

CHRISTOPHER

Shh! That's your aunt Lorelai.

G.G.

Is she sick?

CHRISTOPHER

No. [Picking up G.G. and handing her to the maid] Miriam...

MIRIAM

Sorry, Mr. Hayden.

G.G.

I don't like to wear my nightgown to bed when I'm sick, either.

CHRISTOPHER

I'll explain later. Have fun at school. Bye-bye hon.