T7E1: “The Long Morrow”

CHRISTOPHER

[Grunts] Hey.

LORELAI

Hey.

CHRISTOPHER

What are you doing?

LORELAI

Um... go back to sleep. [Lorelai get up]

CHRISTOPHER

Come back to bed.

LORELAI

Oh, I can't I got to go.

CHRISTOPHER

Stay.

LORELAI

No um I can't -- Paul Anka.

CHRISTOPHER

No way he's performing this early. Check your tickets.

LORELAI

No, I got to go home and feed him.

CHRISTOPHER

Well, let me make you breakfast first.

LORELAI

No.

CHRISTOPHER

Come on you're no good if you collapse from hunger before you feed him. It's like how, when you're on an airplane, you put on your own oxygen mask before your kids. It seems selfish, but...

LORELAI

[snaps back] No... [Sighs] Chris.

CHRISTOPHER

Lore.

LORELAI

Really. You sleep. I got to get going.

CHRISTOPHER

You sure?

LORELAI

Yeah. Okay. Bye. [Lorelai leaves quickly and looks discussed with here self]

BABETTE

[almost shouting] You're back!

LORELAI

Ohh! God, Babette, you scared me. [Paul Anka comes in] Hi

BABETTE

It's my voice. It frightens the hell out of people. I don't know what to do about it.

LORELAI

Oh well, you could start by not hiding out in people's houses and leaping at them when they come home.

BABETTE

It's the nodules.

LORELAI

Who?

BABETTE

It's the nodules on my vocal chords. The more I strain my voice, the more they grow. It's nature's way of trying to get me to talk softer.

LORELAI

Babette, one. Nature, nada.

BABETTE

I bet you're wondering why I'm here.

LORELAI

Yeah. Not that I'm not happy to see you. It's just that I have to get going...

BABETTE

I'm not a sleepwalker...

LORELAI

No.

BABETTE

...in case that's what you were thinking.

LORELAI

No no...

BABETTE

Cause a lot of people figure me for one. God knows why, I guess I got the look

LORELAI

Well, you didn't sleepwalk, though.

BABETTE

Hunh-unh. But this morning I came over here wide awake 'cause I heard Paul Anka doing that weird yodeling noise that you said he does when he's hungry, so I fed him.

LORELAI

Oh good thank you. I gave him a half a cup of that kibble that you said he likes, but then he looked at me like I stole something from him, so I gave him a whole cup.

LORELAI

I know that look. It can be intimidating.

BABETTE

And since our washing machine is broken -- Morey put his boots in it and broke it again -- I thought I'd do a load of my intimates.

LORELAI

Good for you.

BABETTE

You ain't got any messages.

LORELAI

What?

BABETTE

He didn't call.

LORELAI

Who?

BABETTE

I heard about the fight between you and Luke.

LORELAI

[Sighs] You did?

BABETTE

You know Adrian Bittenberg's daughter, Becky? She got a huge mouth.

LORELAI

Becky is not a gossip.

BABETTE

But she has a huge mouth. And she and Eileen Whitewin were behind Doose's market seeing how many devil dogs Becky could stuff in there, and when she got up to four, completely cut off her oxygen. So Eileen went running over to Luke's to see if she could get some help, and then she saw the two of you screaming at each other.

LORELAI

I'm glad she had the presence of mind to listen in on our argument while her friend was choking to death.

BABETTE

Well don't you worry about a thing. Everything will be fine. Every couple needs a good blowout once in awhile. It keeps you on your toes.

LORELAI

Oh, yeah, well...

BABETTE

Yeah. So, did you spend the night at Sookie's again?

LORELAI

Sookie's?

BABETTE

Yeah, I figured you were there, but Morey and I did a power walk this morning, and we went by her and Jackson's place, and I didn't see your jeep there.

LORELAI

Babette, I really got to get going.

BABETTE

Oh, I'm just waiting for my panties to dry. [a moments silence] I'll pick them up later. But could you do me a favor and put them in a delicate-spin situation, 30 minutes with a bounce dryer sheet? Oh, and don't worry, sweetheart. He'll call. They always do.

PARIS

Do you want your kid to spend her life behind the counter at Dunkin' Donuts? Do you?

MARILYN

No.

PARIS

Because that's where she's headed, selling chocolate donuts and glazed fritters for the next 40 years to people in business suits who actually gave a crap about their academic future.

MARILYN

I just want her to get into a good school. She has such potential.

PARIS

Well so did Charles Manson.

MARILYN

What?

PARIS

Look at her. Frankly, it may already be too late. I don't like to take on such meek, diffident cases. Do you even know what "diffident" means? [the mother and daughter look confused] That's okay. That knowledge isn't really required in the retail doughnut-distribution industry.

MARILYN

Please, just give her a chance.

PARIS

Why should I?

MARILYN

Because she needs this.

CAITLYN

Mom.

MARILYN

Caitlyn. What do you think?

PARIS

She's got a "c" average, which means she's either lazy or stupid. I can work with either. Frankly, sometimes stupid is easier. I can scare the stupid out of you, but the lazy runs deep.

MARILYN

So you'll take her on?

PARIS

I will.

MARILYN

Wonderful.

CAITLYN

Mom!

MARILYN

Caitlyn.

MARILYN

Thank you, Paris. You won't be sorry.

PARIS

Okay. Now, if I can get you both to take these aptitude tests, then we can get to work.

MARILYN

Why do I need to take a test?

PARIS

I need to get a realistic sense of Caitlyn's true potential, and genetics is by far the most reliable indicator.

MARILYN

I'm sorry?

PARIS

Basically I need to know how much of this is her fault and how much is yours. [puts a clock on the table] Ticktock.

MARILYN

Oh!

RORY

What is this?

PARIS

Pretty great, huh?

RORY

Not for Caitlyn.

PARIS

I was gonna spend the summer tutoring for the Princeton review, but then I found they charge these little morons $60 an hour and only pay their tutors $20. So I figured, "who needs the Princeton review?" I can open up my own shop. I've already subcontracted out to three other student tutors, and I've got more prospects lined up. I'm gonna make a fortune. Hey, are you interested? The pay's $15 an hour.

RORY

No, thanks.

PARIS

Wait. Are you looking to use the offices over the summer? Just because you're the editor, that doesn't entitle you to use the offices during the summer. There's not paper to put out. [raises her voice] These were up for grabs, and I grabbed them.

RORY

Paris, I don't want the offices.

PARIS

Oh. Then, what are you doing here?

RORY

I just came in to back up my files.

PARIS

You already backed up your files. I saw you do it. Oh. I get it. Logan's gone, huh?

RORY

He left this morning, early.

PARIS

Breakups are tough.

RORY

What?

PARIS

Eyes on your own paper! Marilyn

RORY

We didn't break up.

PARIS

You didn't?

RORY

No. Why would you say that?

PARIS

I don't know, wealthy, good-looking, hedonistic heir to billion-dollar, multinational media conglomerate moves to London and spends nights pining away for his college girlfriend? Who's watching that movie?

RORY

Paris, it's not like that. We're together.

PARIS

So you guys talked about it?

RORY

Yes. Well, no... I mean, I'm gonna go visit him, though. We talked about that.

PARIS

When?

RORY

I don't know exactly.

PARIS

So what, specifically, did you agree to?

RORY

Well, nothing, really, but it was kind of understood.

PARIS

Yeah. Because that worked out so well the last time.

RORY

Paris.

PARIS

Has history taught you nothing? You're in limbo, sister, no man's land, quite literally. Logan is not that bright. You need to spell it out. He's got to know where the red lines are, or he's gonna leap right over them and into bed with multiple British floozies.

RORY

Paris, it's okay. Logan and I are fine.

PARIS

He moved to London, Rory... the most romantic city in the world.

RORY

Paris is the most romantic city in the world.

PARIS

Oh, right. London is just the most sex-obsessed.

PARIS

Pencil's down!

LUKE

Hey.

LORELAI

I can't. I'm late for work.

LUKE

Can we talk first?

LORELAI

Please I really don't want to.

LUKE

Lorelai, come on.

LORELAI

No, Luke, we did talk. We talked last night. There's nothing left to say.

LUKE

Look I'm sorry about yesterday, but you kinda ambushed me out of no where, and then you didn't give me a chance.

LORELAI

I gave you every chance.

LUKE

You were going so fast.

LORELAI

Yeah, that's me. I'm fast. I'm the perfect storm of caffeine and genetics. Ha-ha.

LUKE

Now I've had a chance to catch up, and I want to discuss it.

LORELAI

Discuss what? There's nothing left to discuss.

LOGAN

Us, you and me.

LORELAI

There is no us. There's you, and there's me. It's over. It was over last night, and it's over now. It's over.

LUKE

Lorelai...

LORELAI

No, I'm sorry. I have to go. [she gets in to the Jeep and leaves]

MICHEL

[grunting] You're going down.

SOOKIE

No.

MICHEL

You think you're so great. You think you're miss la-di-da.

SOOKIE

Ow.

MICHEL

But look at you now, all weak and pitiful.

SOOKIE

Ugh!

MICHEL

That's it. Give in to the pain.

SOOKIE

So, how's my acting?

MICHEL

What do you mean?

SOOKIE

Well, is it believable, or do you find it a little over-the-top?! [Sookie slams her hand down to win]

MICHEL

Aah! My fingers! My fingers are smashed!

SOOKIE

Ha! How do you like them apples, Michel?

MICHEL

I do not like these apples. You cheated. You hustled me. You played possum.

SOOKIE

Oh, no, I played arm-wrestling. Or did you think we were playing some other game? Is that why you lost so bad?

MICHEL

Your gloating is very distasteful. Ouch! [Lorelai enters] Lorelai, I may need to take some time off to have my wrist x-rayed. Excuse me.

SOOKIE

[singing] I am the champion, my friend and I'll keep on fighting till the end no time for losers. Oh! I am a fantastic arm-wrestler. You know what I think did it? The whisking, all those years of whiskin has given me incredible forearm strength. People are always like, "why take the time to hand-whip fresh cream? Why not use a machine?" And I've always been like, "I don't know why I do it. It's just something that I do." But now I know -- because I've been training for this very day. I mean, wow! I am strong. And the omelet flipping definitely is part of it. You know when you use one of those really heavy cast-iron skillets, and you flip, flip? That's all in the wrist, you know? And that's what they say. That's what people say about arm-wrestling, too - that it's all in the wrist, and, man, I have super-bionic, superpowered, super wrists. I mean, who knew I possessed such, honey? Something's wrong, huh?

LORELAI

Yeah.

SOOKIE

It's not spiders on the ceiling. You know I hate spiders. I was kind of hoping it was spiders.

LORELAI

It's not spiders.

SOOKIE

No?

LORELAI

No.

SOOKIE

Okay.

LORELAI

Luke and I are over.

SOOKIE

Over?

LORELAI

Yeah.

SOOKIE

No.

LORELAI

Yeah.

SOOKIE

Have you guys had a fight?

LORELAI

We had the fight.

SOOKIE

People have fights. It's okay. It's good, actually. You know, it's healthy. If you don't have fights, all these bad chemicals build up, and you get ulcers and bad skin. You got such pretty skin, so you have to have some fights for the sake of your skin.

LORELAI

This was different. This was bad.

SOOKIE

People have bad fights. Every bad fight can seem like "the fight."

LORELAI

It wasn't just a fight, Sookie. It was him not fighting for me. I gave him an ultimatum,

SOOKIE

And?

LORELAI

And he let me walk away.

SOOKIE

No. He'll come back. He'll be back. He'll come back. Luke wants to marry you. I know he does. I mean, he'll come around. He'll get it together.

LORELAI

I'm done. I don't want to see him anymore. It's over.

SOOKIE

I get that you're mad. You deserve to be mad. Luke's been a real jerk. Frankly, being mad at him makes all the sense in the world. And if you're so mad that you need to believe you guys are over, I get that.

LORELAI

Sookie, I spent the night with Christopher last night.

SOOKIE

You spent the night with Christopher?

LORELAI

Spent the night.

SOOKIE

With Christopher?

LORELAI

Yeah.

SOOKIE

Okay so, does Luke know?

LORELAI

No. I don't want him to ever know.

SOOKIE

That's good. That's good. Uh, okay. Uh, look - things happen. People... people do things. It's not pretty. It's not Disney, but it's the real world. And you don't have to tell him. Luke doesn't have to know, and things don't have to be over.

LORELAI

No, you don't get it. I need it to be over. I need it to be over because I can't take this anymore. Yes, I love Luke, and, yes, I wanted to marry Luke. But I didn't want a life separate from Luke, and that's all he could give me. I don't want that. If I'm gonna be with Luke, I want to be with Luke, and he didn't get it, and I waited. I mean, god, I waited. It's like Luke is driving a car, okay, and I just want to be in the passenger's seat. But he's locked the door, and and so I have to hold onto the bumper, you know? I'm not even asking him to open the door for me. Just leave it unlocked and say, "come in." But no, he didn't do that, so I'm hanging onto the bumper, and life goes on, and the car goes on, and I get really badly bruised and hitting potholes. And it hurts. I mean, it hurts. So yesterday I had to let go of the bumper because it hurts too much. It hurts too much.

SOOKIE

Okay.

LUKE

Caesar where the hell is lane?

CAESAR

She's on her honeymoon.

LUKE

Jeez how long is that gonna last?

CAESAR

It's only been a week.

LUKE

Only? Seven days seems like plenty of time to sit in some mountain cabin together and realize you've just chained yourself to another human being for all eternity.

CAESAR

They went to Mexico, so they're probably doing that on a beach. Maybe it takes a little longer to realize with the hot sun and all.

LUKE

Caesar are you being funny?

CAESAR

You tell me.

LUKE

No, you tell me.

CAESAR

It would appear not.

LUKE

Bus those tables.

CUSTOMER

Luke, I asked for these eggs scrambled, and they're sunny-side up.

LUKE

[Luke takes a fork and starts scrambling the eggs] There you go. [Luke hears a truck beep and looks out side] Oh, now what? Caesar, I'll be right back.

CAESAR

Don't hurry.

TAYLOR

Now, carefully. That's rental equipment. I'm responsible for that.

LUKE

Taylor, what the hell are you doing?

TAYLOR

Good morning, Lucas. You look in fine fettle today.

LUKE

Okay whatever you're doing, stop it.

TAYLOR

That's rather cynical. Now, who's to say I'm not doing something that will surprise and delight you?

LUKE

Are you?

TAYLOR

I highly doubt it.

LUKE

Then stop it.

TAYLOR

Can't do it, Luke. The safety of the citizens of stars hollow is at stake, and that has to be my top priority, regardless of how you feel about a red-light camera.

LUKE

A what?

TAYLOR

To catch scofflaws. Apparently, people are viewing our traffic light here as more a series of colorful driving suggestions rather than the rules of the road. Therefore, I decided to install a red-light camera to discourage drivers who would test our laws and photograph and punish those who do.

LUKE

A camera?

TAYLOR

You run a red light, it's time for your close-up, Mr. Demille. These little wonders are taking over the globe -- New York, Los Angeles, Paris, Singapore.

LUKE

That's ridiculous.

KIRK

They're in position and ready for the installation. At you say so.

LUKE

No you can't do this. It's an invasion of privacy.

KIRK

Something to fear, Luke?

LUKE

You can't take pictures of people for driving by the diner. It's probably not even legal.

KIRK

Spoken like a man with something to hide.

TAYLOR

Luke I can assure you that I am well within my rights as town selectman to install that camera, and you, of all people, should be grateful. After all, it'll make the street in front of your diner that much safer.

KIRK

Or unsafer is you know what I mean...

LUKE

There hasn't been an accident on that corner in 15 years.

TAYLOR

And now we've made it safe for the next 15. Hooray!

LUKE

I'm gonna fight you on this.

TAYLOR

We will be having the official unveiling ceremony later this afternoon. You're welcome to attend.

LUKE

Well I don't see how I can avoid it. Considering it's right in front of my damn diner!

KIRK

I'll put you down for plus one.

TAYLOR

Oh and we're going to have to cross up some electrical lines during the installation process, so you might lose power for a few hours.

RORY

Hi.

LORELAI

[Gasps] What?! The prodigal daughter returns. What are you doing here?

RORY

I couldn't stay away. I just missed you too much.

LORELAI

Aren't you the sweetest? Isn't she the sweetest, Michel?

MICHEL

Beyond all human understanding.

RORY

Hi, Michel.

MICHEL

Yes, it hurts very much.

LORELAI

Yay! So you're back.

RORY

Yeah. I just had to get out of there.

LORELAI

Aw. How was the goodbye?

RORY

Awful. There's nothing good about a goodbye. It's a very poorly named ritual. It was a bad bye, a very bad bye. Then I went to the newsroom to talk to Paris about it...

LORELAI

You what?

RORY

Well I didn't mean to. She was just there, and she spent like 10 minutes kicking me while I was down.

LORELAI

Paris is always there for you in the most unfortunate ways.

RORY

I just miss him so much.

LORELAI

I know you do.

RORY

And it's only been seven hours. Can you imagine when it's been - you know what? I don't want to talk about it. I need coffee.

LORELAI

Okay.

RORY

You sure, though, you don't want to talk? You can always vent to me. I'm the perfect vent-erizer - vent-erator.

RORY

Mom, I don't need a vent-erator. I just don't want to talk about it. What's going on with you?

LORELAI

Oh. With me? Oh, well, things with me - things with me are good.

RORY

Convincing.

LORELAI

Things with me friends are good. Things with me inn are good. Things with me, not so good.

RORY

What's up?

LORELAI

Look I don't want to talk about this, but I want to tell you. I have to tell, but I'm barely holding it together as it is. So if I tell, will you promise not to make me discuss it?

RORY

What?

LORELAI

[Sighs] Luke and I split up.

RORY

What do you mean, like you got into a fight?

LORELAI

No, we had a breakup, a real-life parting of the hearts.

RORY

Why? What happened?

LORELAI

Rory, you promised.

RORY

No, I didn't.

LORELAI

Well, it was implied. Please.

RORY

Mom.

LORELAI

I don't want to talk about it.

RORY

But you have to explain.

LORELAI

No, not right now, okay? Look - you got to not talk about your thing. So I didn't vent-erator you. You don't vent-erator me.

RORY

But...

LORELAI

Rory, please.

RORY

Well, you know, I guess we don't have to talk about stuff.

LORELAI

Yeah. Who says we always have to be talking? We can not talk.

RORY

Of course we can.

LORELAI

Okay... We should probably talk about how we're not gonna talk, 'cause I don't think we should just go right into it.

RORY

Let's do something that doesn't require talking. Like we could go to the movies.

LORELAI

You want to try not talking at a movie?

RORY

Okay, shopping.

LORELAI

Are you mad?

RORY

We could drink. We could go to a bar and just throw back a few.

LORELAI

Yeah, drunk people never feel like talking. Oh! We could go to a club.

RORY

Yeah, 'cause all the hot spots get rolling about lunchtime.

LORELAI

See? This is why men play sports.

RORY

Sports we can play sports.

LORELAI

We hate sports.

RORY

We haven't tried every sport.

LORELAI

How about running?

RORY

We could easily talk while we're running. Not if we were hurdling. Hurdles require more focus and, thus, less talking. Or we could do that running that's like you leap around a tree and up a hill...

RORY

You want to run cross-country.

LORELAI

Not across the whole country, maybe just Michigan.

RORY

Michel, what sports do you play?

MICHEL

Well, since I'm maimed potentially for life, I may never play sports again.

LORELAI

But think back to before this tragic, life-altering injury, when life was still worth living What sports did you play then?

MICHEL

Well, Pilates, of course.

LORELAI

What?

RORY

It's like yoga with cables and wires.

LORELAI

Sounds very dangerous.

MICHEL

Oh, racquetball is also a fantastic workout.

LORELAI

Racquetball?

RORY

Intriguing.

LORELAI

I always liked the sound of racquetball.

RORY

Tell us more about this racquetball.

MICHEL

Well, it's very simple - a 4-walled room, a racquet, and a rubber ball.

LORELAI

Get to the good part, what are the clothes like?

RORY

Can we wear cute outfits?

MICHEL

I do.

LORELAI

I think racquetball sounds great.

RORY

Mmm, I'm in.

LORELAI

Okay, good. Well go home. And I need to finish up a few things around here. I'll see you there in about an hour.

RORY

Deal. Yeah, fun.

LORELAI

Okay. And no talking.

RORY

Except for smack talking because I am so gonna kick your butt in racquetball. NO no I mean, my balls - they're gonna bounce way further than your balls.

LORELAI

Okay, well, you haven't seen my great top... flick wrist...

RORY

We'll learn the terms.

LORELAI

Go home and study.

RORY

Hello?

LOGAN

Miss me?

RORY

Logan, where are you?

LORELAI

Heathrow. I just landed.

RORY

I miss you so much.

LOGAN

I miss you, too. I've been here 2 1/2 minutes, and I can already tell it sucks.

RORY

It does suck. I've heard that about London. You should just get on a plane and come home. You gave it a chance.

LOGAN

Are you on campus, I tried you at the apartment, but I didn't get an answer.

RORY

No, I'm back at stars hollow. That apartment suddenly felt very big and empty.

LOGAN

So, what are you gonna do?

RORY

Oh, going to play racquetball with my mom.

LOGAN

This is a bad connection. It sounded like you were gonna play racquetball with your mom.

RORY

Hey, I could have a hidden talent for it, you never know.

LOGAN

Did you open my gift?

RORY

Of course.

LOGAN

What did you think?

RORY

I thought... wow.

LOGAN

Yeah, pretty cool, right?

RORY

So cool.

LOGAN

Oh, I'm glad you like it.

RORY

Like it? [Chuckles] I love it.

LOGAN

I'm so glad you got it.

RORY

Oh, yeah, totally.

LOGAN

When I left, I suddenly got worried you wouldn't get it.

RORY

Yeah of course. Of course, I got it. I loved it.

LOGAN

I knew you would. Alright Ace, I got to go. I just wanted to tell you I touched down. I'll call later.

RORY

Okay, bye. And thank you.

LOGAN

Of course.

LORELAI

Like a remote-control rocket?

RORY

No, like a model rocket.

LORELAI

How big? [Rory raises here hand about 2 foot off the floor] Is it filled with anything? Gum or candy or anything?

RORY

Gum.

LORELAI

What? Rocket gum. It could be a thing.

RORY

There was no gum in it.

LORELAI

It doesn't have a button you can push?

RORY

No, nothing like that. It's just a model rocket. I mean, what could that mean? Who gives someone a rocket?

LORELAI

I don't know. I don't know. We'll figure it out, though. Rocket, rocket, rocket. Rocket man -- "rocket man." Hee "Crocodile rock" was good. "Bennie and the jets," "candle in the wind."

RORY

Are you just naming Elton John songs?

LORELAI

He is just so talented.

RORY

Ugh. What about space?

LORELAI

It's the final frontier?

RORY

Oh, no.

LORELAI

What?

RORY

What if he was trying to say that he wanted space away from me?

LORELAI

No. [Two guys come into the court] Oh, hi, we're not done racquetballing. We've got it for like an hour. Thanks, though.

RORY

Hey, maybe it's code. Like I'm his rocket, right? Like I'm his rock, E.T. I'm his rock in the eastern time zone.

LORELAI

That's dumb.

RORY

Yeah, like rocket gum is sweeping the nation.

LORELAI

When I have made $1 zillion from my rocket-gum invention, you will eat those words. Or more likely, chew those words and blow a bubble with them, 'cause did I mention that rocket gum is bubble gum? But instead of blowing bubbles, it releases helium that shoots the chewer up into space.

RORY

I don't think this is helping me understand the state of my relationship with Logan. And we're not even supposed to be talking.

LORELAI

You started it.

RORY

I did start it. So maybe now you would like to talk about Luke?

LORELAI

You know what, I'd rather racquetball.

RORY

Seriously?

LORELAI

Come on. [She puts on a head band and they get up] What do you think? Against the wall?

RORY

Yeah, why not.

LORELAI

Okay. Ready?

RORY

Ready.

LORELAI

[hits the ball which bounces back and hits her in the eye] Ow!

RORY

You okay?

LORELAI

Okay.

RORY

We're done.

RORY

See, it's starting to swell.

LORELAI

It is starting to swell. Either that or the rest of my face is shrinking.

RORY

I think we should put something on it.

LORELAI

Uh, concealer and loose powder?

RORY

Ice mum, I think we should put ice on it.

LORELAI

So boring. Neosporin and an eye patch? Bactine, bacitracin, hydrogen peroxide. Winnie the pooh band-aids?

RORY

I'm getting you some ice.

LORELAI

Good lord. Where'd I get all this stuff?

RORY

How can you not have ice?

LORELAI

You know I don't cook.

RORY

That is not cooking. That is the opposite of cooking. That's freezing. All you have in here are like batteries and film and something I think used to be an ice cream sandwich.

RORY

How old is that film?

LORELAI

Ugh, 1999. Bad hair year for me, skirts were the wrong length, cut me right at the calf. I can't bring myself to develop it.

RORY

You're not putting shaving cream on your eye.

LORELAI

No, just getting rid of some of Luke's things... Steak.

RORY

Huh?

LORELAI

Steak is supposed to be good for a black eye.

RORY

Frozen peas.

LORELAI

Why would I put peas in my eye?

RORY

No, like a bag of frozen peas. It molds to the contour of your face.

LORELAI

But steak has actual healing properties. Something about the juices or the fats is good for the skin.

RORY

I'm going to Doose's to get you some ice.

LORELAI

And steak. And peas. And ice cream! That would feel good on my eye. And then when I'm done using it, we can eat it. It's black-eye dinner.

RORY

Says the woman who can't cook ice.

LORELAI

Please. I'm not gonna cook. I'm too injured. You cook. And get some Bacitracin. Whatever we use it for, we're almost out.

RORY

Be right back.

LORELAI

Thanks... See if he has eye patches.

TAYLOR

Okay, everyone, gather 'round. Witness the miracle of modern...

LUKE

Hey. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

CUSTOMER

What.

LUKE

Does this look like a soup kitchen?

CUSTOMER

It's a little depressing, but no...

LUKE

Pay your bill.

CUSTOMER

Oh, oh, right, sorry. I wasn't trying to skip out or anything. [hands Luke the money.

LUKE

Get lost. [Sighs, Caesar comes in to stand by Luke, they look at each other few seconds of silence] Well there's nobody left to serve, and I certainly don't want your company.

CAESAR

Thanks, Luke.

RORY

Hi, Miss Patty. Hey, Gypsy. Hi, Lulu.

MISS PATTY

Rory!

LULU

Hi, Rory.

GYPSY

Look at the college girl. You home for the summer?

RORY

I am

MISS PATTY

You look wonderful. If I had known that college was so good for the complexion, I might have cracked a book open when I was younger.

RORY

Oh, thanks.

LULU

Your mom said you might be traveling in Asia.

GYPSY

She's not in Asia.

MISS PATTY

I didn't know you were going to Asia.

RORY

Well I was talking about it, but that's not gonna happen.

GYPSY

Well your mom must be happy to have you home.

RORY

Yeah, she is. What's going on here?

LULU

Taylor's putting a camera on the traffic light.

GYPSY

Big brother is watching.

TAYLOR

Okay, everyone. Thanks for coming. Now, as you know, small-town law enforcement presents many challenges. Chief among them, how to police our streets without an actual police force. Fortunately for the citizens of stars hollow, the fine people [Rory looks over to Luke's and Luke looks back, they wave to each other.] at Ingram traffic systems have provided an answer. I would now like to present the latest and greatest weapon in unmanned high-tech law enforcement. Ladies and gentlemen, the Auto Patrol P.R. 100. [Applause] How it works is very simple. When someone drives through the red light, the camera will take three successive pictures of the offending party at closer and closer range.

GYPSY

Seems kind of intrusive to me.

TAYLOR

Law-abiding citizens have nothing to worry about. Now, we are going to have our ceremonial first lawbreaker played by Kirk. [Car horn honks] Kirk will drive my classic 1964 Ford Thunderbird down the street, through the red light, and the Auto Patrol P.R. 100 will capture him in all his law-breaking glory. Miss patty?

MISS PATTY

I'm on it.

KIRK

I'm okay! I'm okay!

RORY

Okay, do you remember when you begged me to go see "the fast and the furious" with you, and I said no? And then you begged me to go see "the fast and the furious 2" with you, and I said no? Then "the fast and the furious 3: Tokyo drift" came out...

LORELAI

Cars, they drift.

RORY

And I was like, "I said no to 1 and I said no to 2 - "what do you think happened here, I got a brain transplant or something?"

LORELAI

I remember. You were very rude.

RORY

Well, I was wrong, because I have finally understood the awesomeness of cars crashing into things, which is a long-winded way of saying that Taylor installed this red-light camera in front of Luke's, and Kirk was supposed to demonstrate how it worked, but he got totally blinded by the camera, and he ended up crashing Taylor's fancy blue t-bird -- which, by the way, who knew? -- Into the side of Luke's. And nobody was hurt. Everything was fine. But the smash-up was unbelievable. And it went right into Luke's and then Kirk gets up, he gets out of the car, and he's all like, Evel Knievel style, like, "I'm okay, I'm okay." And... um... why is everything you own in piles all over the floor?

LORELAI

No no wait. Into the diner and nobody was hurt?

RORY

Yeah, everything's fine. But what is this?

LORELAI

There must've been a lot of damage. Are you sure everybody's okay?

RORY

It was a mess, but everything's fine, I swear. What is this?

LORELAI

Umm I'm just getting some of Luke's stuff together.

RORY

This is Luke's?

LORELAI

No, this is mine. But I wore it with Luke when we went to see "jarhead." I was trying to look kind of army, and something about the combination of the movie and the hot dogs at the Waterbury Cineplex made me sick in the parking lot, and Luke held my hair, and it was nice, and now I got to get rid of it.

RORY

Oh.

LORELAI

[Sighs] Yeah, this pile is Luke's stuff. This pile is stuff that reminds me of Luke.

RORY

What's that pile?

LORELAI

Those are Babette's intimates.

RORY

Of course. So, all these books remind you of Luke?

LORELAI

Yeah, those are books I gave him to read, but he never did.

RORY

Cormac McCarthy - good call. "In cold blood" - he would have loved that. Well, he'll never know now. You wanted him to read "hammerhead sharks - demons of the deep"? He recommended that one for me. Pom-pom socks. Al's pancake world takeout menus. Hey, you're getting rid of bop it? And a spatula? Why? Oh, oh. 'Cause Luke used to make you breakfast.

LUKE

Well he did, but that's not why I'm getting rid of it. Although now that you mention it, the waffle iron has got to be dumped.

RORY

We have a waffle iron?

LORELAI

Don't get attached. It's got to go.

RORY

Spatula?

LORELAI

We were having an argument in the kitchen. And he said it was a fight, and I said it wasn't really a fight, it was a spat. He said there was no difference between a fight and a spat, and I said there was a huge difference because a fight cannot be diffused in the moment, but a spat can easily be diffused with the use of a spatula. And I took the spatula out of the drawer, and I whacked him with it a little bit, and he started laughing, and I started laughing, and now I got to get rid of it.

RORY

Sad.

LORELAI

I know.

RORY

Okay, what happened between you two? You have got to give me something here, because you cannot just say that you don't want to talk about it, because I saw Luke today, and I waved at him, and I did not know how to act. Was it an "I hate you" wave, or an "I'm sorry" wave, or "I can't believe you wanted my mother to shave her head and become a Moonie" wave.

LORELAI

He doesn't want me to shave my head. You shouldn't hate him. There's nothing to be angry about. You knew we were having problems, right? The whole April thing and postponing the wedding. Finally, I got tired of waiting for him, so I gave him an ultimatum. And he said no. So, that's it. It's over. Here I am, making piles. The third stage of grief is making piles.

RORY

Steak or peas?

TAYLOR

No, no, no - this is not my fault!

LUKE

This is all your fault, all of it!

TAYLOR

Lucas I understand why you're perturbed.

LUKE

Perturbed? Do I seem perturbed? I am so far past perturbed that I couldn't look behind me and see perturbed with a telescope. You never listen to anybody, Taylor. You just barrel along and decide what's best for everybody, consequences be damned.

TAYLOR

Now, I grant you the ceremony today did not go according to plan.

LUKE

According to plan? There's a car in my diner - a freaking car, Taylor. A two-door 1965 Ford Thunderbird in my diner.

TAYLOR

Actually, it's a '64.

TOW TRUCK DRIVE

So, you want me to move it out or not?

TAYLOR

I would advise waiting until our insurance agents arrived.

TOW TRUCK DRIVE

It's up to you, pal. It's on your property.

LUKE

I don't know yet!

TAYLOR

You could have some sympathy. After all it's my car that crashed, my most prized possession. I mean, the paint job alone is gonna cost me a fortune, and who knows what other damage has been done or what my insurance will or won't cover?

LUKE

Well maybe I'll come back with a sledgehammer, and you can tell them you totaled the thing.

TAYLOR

Now Luke I would strongly advise against any rash action that could lead to undue and costly litigation.

LULU

How about now?

KIRK

Giant red spots. Nothing but giant red spots.

TAYLOR

How's it look under there, Gypsy?

GYPSY

Well, the car is fine. It definitely wasn't faulty brakes that caused the accident. Kirk is just an idiot.

KIRK

Hey, I resent that. Who was that? Damn giant red spots.

TOW TRUCK DRIVE

What do you want to do here, buddy? You want to pull the car out or wait for the insurance guy?

LUKE

I don't know I'm not sure what I want to do yet.

TOW TRUCK DRIVE

Well I need to know now. I can't spend all day here. Either we move the car right now, or I take off, you leave it in here, and wait for the insurance guys. You got to decide.

LUKE

Look, do not pressure me, okay? I do not like being pressured. It's not one or the other. I need to think. Will you people just give me some time to think?

LORELAI

Soothing.

RORY

Very.

LORELAI

Zen.

RORY

Thoreau, Walden pond... Oh, I have an idea. [Rory gets up]

LORELAI

Huh? Maybe I should just go to Ikea. [Rory comes back with the rocket, Lorelai gasps] I like it.

RORY

Yeah. Maybe you can use it as the basis for your redecorating. Use it as a jumping-off point. Make everything kind of gray and shiny.

LORELAI

Well, it doesn't remind me of Luke at all.

RORY

That's my problem. It doesn't remind me of Logan either. It's so frustrating.

LORELAI

Why don't you call him?

RORY

Well I can't do that until I know what this is, what it means. See, this long-distance thing isn't working already.

LORELAI

Rory, he just left.

RORY

Exactly, and I'm already completely confused. I mean, I think we're still together, but that's what I thought last time we spent time apart. I was 100% sure that we were still together, and he was 100% sure that we had broken up, and then he ended up sleeping with those bridesmaids.

LORELAI

What is it you guys agreed to?

RORY

Well that's just it. Nothing, really. I mean, it was early in the morning, and we hadn't had a chance to decide on anything, and we hadn't had the talk. Now it's too late. He's thousands of miles away, and we talk on the phone, but we don't really say anything. And he's leaving me rockets.

LORELAI

Well It's not too late. He's been gone a day - less than a day. You guys will figure it out.

RORY

But it's hard on the phone, you know. I can't see him. I can't read his expression. How am I ever supposed to know what he's thinking or feeling? I mean his eyes always give him away. Logan has very expressive eyes.

LORELAI

I've noticed. It's one of the things he and Bette Davis have in common.

RORY

And sometimes he'll smile at me, and I can tell exactly how he's feeling, and now I can't.

LORELAI

So go to London.

RORY

What?

LORELAI

Go to London. Go be with him this summer. The two of you were supposed to go traveling in Asia together anyway. You don't have any plans for the summer, so go.

RORY

I can't just go to London... Can I?

LORELAI

Why not? You two could have an amazing summer together in London. Pick up the phone. Call him.

RORY

I need to do some more Googling.

LORELAI

I'm going to bed. [gets up] So, Taylor's car is...

RORY

in Luke's diner.

LORELAI

[Sighs] Hello.

CHRISTOPHER

Hey, how you doing?

LORELAI

Fine.

CHRISTOPHER

I'm just checking in. Had a really great time last night. Don't worry. This is not a booty call.

LORELAI

It can't be, 'cause you're not 18, and it's not 1997.

CHRISTOPHER

Are you doing anything tomorrow night? 'Cause I was thinking maybe you could come over, and I could cook us some dinner.

LORELAI

Christopher.

CHRISTOPHER

Lorelai.

LORELAI

Let's not make more out of it than it was.

CHRISTOPHER

So, you're saying last night was a booty call.

LORELAI

I'm just saying, I don't think it should happen again.

CHRISTOPHER

Oh. Okay. Well, I'm here for you if you need anything. You know that, right?

LORELAI

I - yeah, no - I appreciate... that.

CHRISTOPHER

Okay. I guess I'll say good night.

LORELAI

Yeah - night.

RORY

I got it, I got it he loved her so much he was willing to wait 40 years alone in space for her. [turns on a light]

LORELAI

Hmm?

RORY

I got it. The rocket, I get it.

LORELAI

You do?

RORY

Yes. I have been Googling rockets, you know. Rocket ships, rocket love, rocket London, Logan rocket, and let me tell you, it has not always been a pleasant journey. People are freaks. But then I found this blog, rocket boy.

LORELAI

Rocket boy.

RORY

Rocket boy. Knows a ton about rockets. And as it turns out, he's got over 200 classic L.E.V.S.

LORELAI

L.E.V.S?

RORY

Lunar excursion vehicles. So then he tells me that he hosts this chat room, and this is where I get really lucky, because rocketchamp465 was just logging off, and I caught him, and I described the rocket to him, and he recognized it from one of these episodes of "the twilight zone."

LORELAI

[Whispering] "The twilight zone."

RORY

So I clicked on "the twilight zone" website, and I found the episode, and I got it!

LORELAI

I still have no idea what you're talking about.

RORY

Uh, when Logan and I were first going out, we were in the pool house one night really late, and we were falling asleep on the couch.

LORELAI

Wa wa wa.

RORY

Mom.

LORELAI

Sorry.

RORY

Chachi, right?

LORELAI

Proud.

RORY

So, we were on the couch.

LORELAI

Wa wa wa.

RORY

And this episode of "the twilight zone" came on -- "the long morrow."

LORELAI

That's a bad title.

RORY

That's not the point.

LORELAI

I'm just saying.

RORY

So, there's this astronaut who was supposed to go into space for 40 years, but right before he left, he met this beautiful woman. But for those 40 years that he was going to be in space, he was going to be in suspended animation. So when he came back to earth, he was going to be really young, but she would be really old. So he goes into space, and when he does come back, the woman is still young and beautiful because she put herself in suspended animation to wait for him, but he's really, really old because he took himself out of suspended animation so he could be old with her.

LORELAI

How depressing.

RORY

He spent 40 years alone in space just waiting to see her, and he was willing to come back as an 80-year-old man, giving up almost his entire life just to spend those last few years with her.

LORELAI

Now, are you aware when you're in suspended animation, or is it just like a really long nap?

RORY

The point is, that this is Logan's favorite episode of "the twilight zone." And when we watched it together, he said, "that's true love." That's true love! This is the most romantic gift I've ever been given. I mean, I have to call him. I'm going to London. I am going to London.

LORELAI

Yay!

RORY

But -- wait, are you gonna be okay while I'm gone?

LORELAI

Yes, I'll be fine.

RORY

Okay, but we're going shopping for linens before I go.

LOGAN

Hello?

RORY

Hey!

LOGAN

Hey!

RORY

I'm sorry for calling so early. Did I wake you?

LOGAN

I'm actually at the office.

RORY

On a dare?

LOGAN

It's my first day, so I'm trying to make a good impression.

RORY

So you're, like, dressed and everything?

LOGAN

New suit, new shoes, even brushed my hair.

RORY

How's the office? Fabulous? Do you have a window?

LOGAN

I wouldn't say it's fabulous, but I do have a window.

RORY

Can you see the queen?

LOGAN

Actually, my window looks out on Piccadilly circus.

RORY

So, you can just see Elephants and clowns walking past your building all day long? That must be nice.

LOGAN

It's brilliant.

RORY

Brilliant? Oh, my god. You're turning British. Do you have a secretary named Moneypenny?

LOGAN

My secretary's name is Steven.

RORY

Steven Moneypenny?

LOGAN

[Laughs] Yes.

RORY

So... I just wanted to thank you for the rocket.

LORELAI

You already thanked me.

RORY

I know I did, but I wanted to do it again, because I'm not sure I conveyed how much I loved it in our last conversation. I really, really loved it.

LOGAN

I'm glad.

RORY

I can't wait to come see you, Logan. I can't wait.

LORELAI

I already got you a ticket.

RORY

You're kidding.

LOGAN

I got it right here. I was gonna Fedex it to you. You'll have it tomorrow.

RORY

Oh, my god!

LORELAI

So tell your mom you're not gonna be home for Christmas.

RORY

Christmas?

LOGAN

Two weeks, just you and me. I already cleared it with my dad. I'm still playing with the itinerary, but how do you feel about London, Paris, and Rome?

RORY

Wow.

LOGAN

I figured we'd do a week in London, then a quick train ride, and we do three days in Paris, and we finish our trip with a four-day sojourn in Rome. We still have enough time for one last night in London before you fly back home.

RORY

Logan, that sounds amazing.

LOGAN

Oh, hey, I should take off. My first staff meeting. They're waving me in.

RORY

Oh, okay, good luck.

LOGAN

Thanks, cheers.

RORY

Cheers.

LUKE

Uh... a car crashed into my diner yesterday. There's a giant hole where my wall used to be. It's gonna take a couple of weeks to fix. [Chuckles] It's a disaster, but I don't care. I mean, I care, but... you know what, no. I really -- I don't care. It's like it's not even real to me. It's like my life isn't even real to me unless you're there, and you're in it, and I'm sharing it with you. And, uh, I don't know what I was waiting for, and I don't know what I was scared of, but I'm not. I'm not scared, and I'm not waiting. I'm here.

LORELAI

Luke.

LUKE

No, don't say anything. I've got a tank full of gas, and Maryland is only 200 miles away, and I've made us some reservations at a couple of bed-and-breakfasts. I mean if you don't want to do the Maryland thing, we don't have to. I heard you say "Maryland" the other day. I don't know whether you were serious. I'm just trying to cover my bases here.

LORELAI

Luke...

LUKE

I also packed some camping equipment so we can head to Vermont or Maine and, you know, check into a cabin for a week, you know, like a little honeymoon thing. But maybe that's a little too rustic for your taste. Or we could drive to Atlantic city or even Las Vegas if you want to make a real road trip out of it.

LORELAI

Luke, stop.

LUKE

I also did some research, and we can we can also apparently use a sea captain, if you want. I'm not sure how big the boat has to be for it to be legal, but we can head to the coast, and we can knock on some doors, you know, boat doors. Yeah, that's probably not the most sensible way.

LORELAI

Just stop.

LUKE

But, no no, you were right. I need to be faster. I need to move faster, I need to think faster. And, well, here I am.

LORELAI

It's over.

LUKE

No, you can't say that. You can't just say that it's over. It's not over. You can't just decide that it's over. I'm in this, too. You know I'm not gonna let it be over. You said, "be ready now or never." I'm ready now.

LORELAI

Luke.

LUKE

Let's go. Let's do this. Let's get married right now. Let's go.

LORELAI

I slept with Christopher.