T7E2: “That’s What You Get, Folks, for Makin’ Whoopee”

CHRISTOPHER

Ugh! Ugh!

LORELAI

Morning, Rory.

RORY

Please tell me you haven't been standing there all night.

LORELAI

[speaking quitly] I love you Rory.

RORY

Creepy. [hands her the coffee] Ooh, waffles?

LORELAI

I got up early this morning. I thought, "what better way to pass time than make some of my famous homemade waffles?"

RORY

I can't believe I forgot about your homemade waffles, seeing how famous they are.

LORELAI

Infamous, really.

RORY

So why'd you get up so early?

LORELAI

Mm, well, couldn't sleep. And, initially, I was at a loss. How would I pass the time until my one and only offspring, the fruit of my loins...

RORY

Too early.

LORELAI

... Loin fruit that she is, straggled out of bed to grace me with her presence? But then I asked myself, "W.W.T.B.F.C.D.?" And it came to me in a flash. "I'm gonna make waffles."

RORY

"What would the barefoot Contessa do?"

LORELAI

Exactly

RORY

Barefoot's one word.

LORELAI

Shut up, loin fruit. So, what? Are you just sleepy or has last night's "my boyfriend gave me a love rocket" elation worn off?

RORY

It may have worn off a little bit.

LORELAI

Why? What happened? The love rocket was making you swoon for Logan last night.

RORY

I'm still plenty swoony. I just realized that the rocket doesn't mean I should be packing my bags for London.

LORELAI

Why? What happened?

RORY

Nothing happened, I just called Logan and I was like, "yeah, yeah. "Oh, I love the love rocket, you know? And I can't wait to come see you." And he was like, "oh, yeah, me too. Um, I'm gonna buy you a ticket for December."

LORELAI

Oh, no. Did you tell him you want to visit him now?

RORY

There wasn't really a point you know because I get it. He is starting his first real job. I mean, he needs time to adjust and focus and learn the lay of the land. I mean It's good that he's trying to be a grown-up. You no so now I'm trying to be a grown-up. So why am I gonna get all pouty because I don't get to do it?

LORELAI

Hmm. [Toaster pops] Well, that sounds like a real grown-up talking.

RORY

Thank you.

LORELAI

You know the one thing that grown-ups don't call themselves?

RORY

What?

LORELAI

Grown-ups. Huh they say "adults," and they pronounce it "ah-dults."

RORY

It stinks!

LORELAI

Oh, it really stinks.

RORY

Stupid London! If he weren't in London right now, we would be on our Asia trip. I mean, I knew that it might not happen, but I hoped it would, and I just kept planning and planning and planning. [she gets up and goes to her room and bring back a pile of paper].

LORELAI

Wow. Were you planning on visiting Asia or invading it?

RORY

Look at all this wasted effort. All this highlighter ink? Wasted. All of these sticky notes? Wasted. We were going to see the terra-cotta soldiers in Xian. And we were going to go to Peking for the opera and the duck. I want to see Tibet. I want to snorkel off the an Thoi islands in Vietnam. I want to see the crazy teenage fashions in the Harajuku district of Tokyo.

LORELAI

Oh, wow.

RORY

Stupid london!

LORELAI

So, no Asia?

RORY

No Asia.

LORELAI

Well, I guess I got to go to stupid work. Here's one good piece of news. Lane called - she's back from her honeymoon.

RORY

Oh, yay!

LORELAI

She sounded kind of tired, which is good, I think. Tired after a honeymoon bodes well.

RORY

My married friend Lane and her married husband Zach. Nutso.

LORELAI

Hmm. Spoken like a true grown-up. Say "hey" to her for me. It's nice to have you home.

RORY

Bye.

T.J.

Morning, Luke. You need a hand with this?

LUKE

Thanks.

T.J.

Sure thing. Just give me one second to savor this coffee. Ahh! So, how are you this lovely morning?

LUKE

Just fine.

T.J.

Hey, I got a coffee for you, too.

LUKE

Thanks.

T.J.

But then, as it became clear that you were most likely gonna be late, I didn't want it to get cold, so I drank it myself.

LUKE

I wasn't late.

T.J.

Who said you were late?

LUKE

You did, one second ago.

T.J.

Oh, no, I said you were mostly likely gonna be late, but it turns out you weren't. Who knew? Sounds like you need a little caffeine. What say you and I go over to the diner across the street and pick us up a nice cup of coffee?

LUKE

Forget it. I'm fine. [Luke stop] What diner across the street?

T.J.

This place - Kirk's. Great place. The owner's a real character and the coffee's fantastic. Come on, let me get you a cup, though maybe you ought to pay, seeing as I did pick us up the last round.

KIRK

Eggs sunny side up with a side of bacon. And who's got the scrambled with hashbrowns? Here we go.

LUKE

What the hell is going on here?

KIRK

Welcome to Kirk's. I'll be right with you.

LUKE

What is this?

KIRK

It's a diner, Luke.

LUKE

A diner called Kirk's?

KIRK

It's the name my mother gave me. Top you off there, Jake?

LUKE

Why are you doing this?

LUKE

I just saw a need, and I filled it. Seamed to me Stars hollow was in want of a real neighborhood joint, a watering hole where the townsfolk could mingle, a place where a fella could come and get a piece of pie, a cup of Arbuckles', and a soupcon of small-town charm.

LUKE

Yeah, well, stars hollow has already got that place. It's right across the street. It's called Luke's. Luke's, ring any bells? Sounds a little like Kirk's doesn't it.

KIRK

If you are suggesting that you were the very first person to think of naming a restaurant after yourself, I think that Denny, Arby, and Tony Roma might have something to say about that, not to mention Mr. Chuck E. Cheese.

LUKE

Chuck E. Cheese is not a person.

KIRK

Luke do you think a giant mouse opened a restaurant franchise by himself?

LUKE

Look at this – French toast, pancakes, buttermilk pancakes. You stole my menu.

KIRK

You did not invent pancakes, Luke. Anyway, I heard Luke's went out of business.

LUKE

Luke's did not go out of business, Luke's is closed for repairs. And you want to know why it's closed? Because some nincompoop yesterday drove his car through my diner!

KIRK

Would you care to step outside for a moment, Luke?

LUKE

Outside? Outside what? [they walk “outside” and past a “no cell phone's” sign]

KIRK

I think it would behoove you not to use slanderous language like nincompoop in my place of business, Luke, because, let me tell you, it is only out of the kindness of my heart that I am not suing the pants off of you.

LUKE

Uh-hu you're gonna sue me after you crash a car into my diner and bust a giant hole in my wall?

KIRK

For all you know I could have brain damage.

LUKE

Oh, I'm pretty sure you do. You know what, Kirk? Go ahead. Sue me. Crash into my diner, make me lose a week's business, make me pay for the repairs, and then sue me for damages - for brain damages! That sounds fair!

KIRK

Luke, calm down. I get where you're coming from. I think we can work something out.

LUKE

What is this?

KIRK

A job application. The way business is picking up, I'm totally gonna need a fry guy. What it sounded like your finances were kind of tight. If you came expecting a handout, you came to the wrong guy. I'm of the "teach a man to fish" school, Luke. [Luke crushes the paper into a ball and drops it on the ground.]U do not throw trash on the floor of a restaurant Luke. Not cool.

SOOKIE

Okay, this is easy. Put in your snow crab. Put in your avocado. You put in your cucumber. You mash it together And then you just roll it up. Slice it up like this, and voil. Or whatever they say in Japan. Arigato.

LORELAI

Karate. It's those little coin shapes, just like in a Japanese restaurant. Arigato karate, babe.

SOOKIE

Yep. Okay. I'm gonna make one more California roll, and then we can make your meat-loaf sushi.

LORELAI

Yay, do you want to put suntan lotion in there?

SOOKIE

Did you just say sun - oh! Of course. Calfo, California roll would have some suntan lotion in it.

LORELAI

You're such a pity laugher. [tastes the food] Mmm! Good.

SOOKIE

Good!

LORELAI

So good! It's the best non-meat-loaf sushi I've ever had.

SOOKIE

Ooh! What about fried-chicken sushi?

LORELAI

With some slaw in it. That would be so good. Or chinese-food sushi. Or P.B.-And-J. Sushi.

SOOKIE

Or, hey, dessert sushi.

LORELAI

Oh, my god, that's genius. That is why you are the chef. That and because you're the one who can cook. So, um... hey, um... so I-I told him.

SOOKIE

Told who what? Telling him that?

LORELAI

Yeah.

SOOKIE

Are you saying told Luke about Christopher?

LORELAI

Yes. What did you think I was talking about?

SOOKIE

I don't know. I'm hoping there's something that I forgot, like maybe you were debating on whether or not to tell Kirk the difference between antiperspirant and deodorant. You told Luke about Christopher?

LORELAI

Yes.

SOOKIE

I thought you weren't going to.

LORELAI

I wasn't.

SOOKIE

Oh, honey, why?

LORELAI

Because Luke showed up at my house this morning with the truck fully packed, ready to elope.

SOOKIE

Oh, god, he did?

LORELAI

And he wouldn't take no for an answer, and so I had to tell him. That's the only way he was gonna believe me because it had to be no.

SOOKIE

Did it have to be? I mean, did the answer have to be no?

LORELAI

No. I mean, I guess I could be married right now to someone who doesn't want to be married to me and doesn't know that I slept with someone two nights before we got married.

SOOKIE

Well, when you put it that way... must have been horrible.

LORELAI

It was one of the most horrible moments of my whole life.

SOOKIE

Are you okay?

LORELAI

No. [Chuckles] I mean, no, not at all. I'm so very not fine, but what am I gonna do, you know? I have to be fine.

SOOKIE

Oh, honey.

LORELAI

Yeah.

RORY

Hey, Zach. So, the honeymoon's over. Is the honeymoon over?

ZACH

What?

RORY

How was Mexico?

ZACH

Full of parasites.

RORY

Oh, gee, that's no good.

ZACH

The whole trip was a total fiasco. It was the Stones at Altamont times a billion.

RORY

But you and Lane were so excited about it. From the way you talked, I was half worried you'd start a mariachi band.

ZACH

Mexico sucks. And we were psyched. That's part of why it sucked so bad. I thought I found this amazing deal online. Right. Pedro's paradise. It all sounded good. The website said it had ocean views, its own kitchen, and a Jacuzzi. And nobody loves Jacuzzis more than me. Nobody. And then we get there, and it turns out Pedro's paradise is just this room in this dude Pedro's crappy apartment.

RORY

No. His apartment?

ZACH

23 miles from the ocean, with a view of a billboard for Mexican nasal spray.

RORY

So the website lied.

ZACH

The kitchen we were promised - it smelled like Rice-a-Roni and was always full of Pedro's jerky friends listening to the devil's music, playing cards, and making snide remarks about us in code.

RORY

Pedro's friends talked in code?

ZACH

Well, Spanish, technically. Same difference. They knew I couldn't understand them. Pedro was evil, man.

RORY

Man.

ZACH

Anyway on the second day, I got some parasite, and I've been barfing Linda Blair style ever since. I'm getting better, but now it looks like Lane's got it.

RORY

Oh no.

ZACH

I'm heading over to Doose's right now to get some ginger ale and saltines, which by the way was all we ate in the way of Mexican food.

RORY

Oh, I'm sorry your trip was so sucky.

ZACH

Yeah, well, live and learn. Like, now I know not to drink the water in Mexico, which, by the way, somebody should really tell you. And I learned that I'm not morally against murder. I just wish I had the guts to do it.

RORY

Well, I'm glad you didn't kill Pedro. I mean, he's not worth it.

ZACH

Yeah, whatever.

RORY

Hello.

BRIAN

Hola, Rory.

RORY

Hola.

RORY

Hey, sicko. Oh, welcome home. I heard Pedro's paradise wasn't so paradisey.

LANE

Mexico sucked.

RORY

Oh. But guess who I heard it from - your husband. Can we not squeal about that?

LANE

I don't really want to squeal. If you feel like squealing, go right ahead.

RORY

Of course you don't feel like squealing. You're sick.

LANE

I actually feel okay right now. My aversion to squealing is more emotional than physical.

RORY

I'm sorry your honeymoon was such a bummer.

LANE

On, like, the fourth day, Zach got so paranoid that Pedro and his friends were talking lasciviously about me in code that he lunged at Pedro - leapt at him from behind the door. Luckily, Zach was so weak from parasites that he missed - just flopped to the kitchen floor like he was a pancake someone threw across the room.

RORY

People throw pancakes?

LANE

I just stared at him lying on the floor and thought, "I just married that man."

RORY

And you didn't squeal for joy.

LANE

Nope. I went into the other room and stared at Pedro's poster of Spuds McKenzie hanging 20 and ate my 20th saltine of the day.

RORY

The whole trip sounds kind of rough.

LANE

Oh, you have no idea. What I just told you are the highlights compared to the real stuff.

RORY

No. What?

LANE

We can't talk here. The walls have ears.

RORY

And giant sombreros.

LANE

And big mouths. Let's go for a walk.

RORY

No your not feeling well, you should take care of yourself.

LANE

I'm feeling all right right now, actually. Um besides I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow, and if I start to barf in public, you could just pretend we were partying too hard.

RORY

Which would do wonders for my rep. All right, Mrs. Van Gerbig, let's blow this popsicle stand.

T.J.

Okay. So tell me, what are we thinking about here?

LUKE

Well, the basic idea is to fix the giant hole.

T.J.

Yeah, but how? I've been thinking about it. I know I got a couple ideas about a log-cabin thing. I think what might really be nice is a giant stained-glass window.

LUKE

Yeah, I don't think so.

T.J.

Don't rule it out so quick. I can picture what you're picturing, like with all scary religious pictures. But it wouldn't have to be a bloody crucifixion. Or nothing it could just be an image of a happy animal. I don't know, a smiling penguin or... or perhaps a peaceful-looking giraffe.

LUKE

You think I should put up a stained-glass window of a peaceful-looking giraffe on the side of my diner?

T.J.

I'm just spitballing. Nothing's written in stone.

LUKE

Oh, well, that's good.

T.J.

How about diamond shapes?

LUKE

You know what, T.J.? Why don't we get to work?

T.J.

You're in a bit of a mood.

LUKE

I'm not in a mood, damn it.

T.J.

Okay! I'm sorry I said anything. I won't say anything else.

LUKE

You know what, T.J., Forget it. I'm sorry. I really appreciate the help you're giving me. I know it was last-minute. Okay?

T.J.

No problem, buddy. What are brother-in-laws for? Actually... I'm glad for an excuse to be out of the house. Because being pregnant makes liz incredibly horny.

LUKE

[getting mad and annoyed] T.J.

T.J.

Yeah, Luke?

LUKE

Can we not talk about my sister's sexuality?

T.J.

Oh, yeah. Well, sure. I guess it's something about all those hormones racing around in there. You should totally knock Lorelai up, though.

LUKE

T.J.

T.J.

What I'm not talking about your sister. I'm talking about your fiancée. I got a feeling pregnancy would make Lorelai particularly randy.

LUKE

T.J.!

T.J.

Just think how cool it would be if we raised our families together. You should get started now, though.

LUKE

Right.

T.J.

So how many kids you guys want?

LUKE

You know what I think I'm gonna go get the primer.

T.J.

Now?

LUKE

Yeah I'm just a.. worried about the hardware store running out ‘cause you know, it's the priming season.

T.J.

Good thinking.

LUKE

Yeah be right back.

T.J.

See you in a bit.

LANE

So, now I know.

RORY

Know what?

LANE

That it's bad. It's terrible... Sex.

RORY

Oh. No. Sex was bad?

LANE

You can drop the act, Rory. It's okay. I've known the real deal about Santa Claus for years. Now I know about sex.

RORY

Lane...

LANE

You know what's funny? I really thought my mother was being an insane prude when she said that sex was horrible for women. But now I can see that, in fact, my mother was the only woman who wasn't willing to maintain this ridiculous, pervasive, media-supported charade.

RORY

What ridiculous, pervasive, media-supported charade?

LANE

That sex is normal. That sex is a wonderful part of life. That sex is sexy. I mean, can we just not admit it? Sex is not sexy. Sex is horrible.

RORY

Sex doesn't have to be horrible.

LANE

In a way, I'm impressed with the depth of the conspiracy. If you think about it, it says something about the potential power of women that the entire gender could collude in creating the "sex is sexy" myth.

RORY

So sex with Zach was bad?

LANE

Unbelievably bad.

RORY

Every time?

LANE

[Chuckling] Yeah, right. Every time.

RORY

You only did it once.

LANE

That's right, and I'm out.

RORY

Well, the first time can be weird. My first time definitely had its weird aspects, but it gets better. It gets good.

LANE

Um, sorry. I just don't believe you.

RORY

Um... okay. You have to walk me through what happened. I mean, not graphically, but help me out here.

LANE

Okay. So we decided that, for our first time, since it was such a big deal and everything, since we've been waiting and waiting and god, if I'd known what it was going to be like, I would have gladly kept waiting. But anyway we decided to re-create the scene in "From Here To Eternity."

RORY

Wow. Ambitious. Sex on the beach.

LANE

Anyway, the whole thing was a disaster. Because you know what movies don't tell you? That sand is basically dirt. It was dirty. It was cold. My hands were shaking. I'm trying to remember stuff about condoms and bananas. And then suddenly I realize, we got crabs, live ones that are scuttling all over us. Zach starts freaking out because, apparently, he's afraid of shellfish. And it's getting colder and dirtier. And at some point, this pervert with a snorkel mask appears out of nowhere. And I'm thinking, "we took three buses from Pedro's apartment for this."

RORY

Oh, Lane.

LANE

Yeah, just talking about it makes me feel sick and queasy.

RORY

Well, you are sick and queasy. You have a parasite. But, okay. Once you feel better, you should try sex again indoors in a bed.

LANE

I'm open to the idea of a sexless marriage. I mean it happens for some people, eventually. Why wait?

RORY

Try a bed first. Seriously. You would not believe what a comforter can do in this kind of situation.

LANE

Hey, aren't you supposed to be in Asia right now? How come you're not traipsing around Thailand with Logan?

RORY

Um, Logan's job started. He's far, far away in London.

LANE

You're lucky.

RORY

Yeah.

LORELAI

[Sighs] Sorry.

LUKE

Oh. Don't worry about me. I'm fine.

LORELAI

Are you fine, really? Because, I mean, you don't have to be fine. Because this is really weird and really hard and... [Chuckles] I'm not exactly fine.

LUKE

You're not?

LORELAI

Of course not.

LUKE

Well, that's too bad because I am. I'm fine.

LORELAI

Well... okay.

LUKE

You know maybe you should punch Christopher's lights out. That seemed to do it for me.

LORELAI

What?

LUKE

Oh, so your boyfriend didn't tell you. Hu.

LORELAI

You punched Christopher?

LUKE

You two need to work on your communication Skills.

LORELAI

Oh, stop it.

LUKE

What.

LORELAI

Christopher is not my boyfriend.

LUKE

I don't care if he is. I mean, you know you can date whoever or whatever you want. I couldn't care less. I'm fine.

LORELAI

Okay, fine. Well, if you're so fine, the next time you get a hankering to punch someone, don't, okay? If you need to take your anger out, on someone take it out on me. I'm the one you're mad at. I'm the one who deserves it.

LUKE

Look, you're the one who's still hung up here. I'm telling you, I'm over it. I guess it's just not as big a deal to me as it is to you.

LORELAI

Oh, it's not as big a deal?

LUKE

Yeah, so we're not getting married. It's okay by me. I mean you're the one who proposed in the first place.

LUKE

It looks good.

T.J.

If you say so. It's no Sistine chapel.

LUKE

Well, that's true.

T.J.

It's no Taj Mahal.

LUKE

No it is not the Taj Mahal. So, look, the window guy's coming by tomorrow, and he and I are gonna put it in, so... after this coat, you're free to go, okay? And thanks for the help. It really looks good.

T.J.

You sure you don't want any?

LUKE

No, I'm sure.

T.J.

You stop drinking beer?

LUKE

No.

T.J.

It makes you bloated, but to me, it's worth it. I'm psyched Kirk's got a liquor license.

LUKE

Uh-huh.

T.J.

How come you quit drinking beer?

LUKE

Whoever said I quit drinking beer?

T.J.

You know what I like? Drinking beer outside. I don't know maybe it's 'cause I grew up watching my dad drink out behind the tool shed, and it's got this romantic image for me. But that's my thing.

LUKE

Your thing is drinking beer outside?

T.J.

Beer outside is the greatest. Oh, except for at ice-skating rinks, of course.

LUKE

Of course.

T.J.

Yeah, there's something about the way the Zamboni exhaust mixes with the beer that's really just out of this world. Speaking of which, guess what I just got - tickets to the Hockettes. You know the Hockettes, the ice-skating girls? They're amazing. They do everything the Rockettes do, only they do it with ice skates on.

LUKE

Oh, that's great, T.J.

T.J.

And guess how many tickets I got. Four. And who did I think might like to go with me and Liz? President and Mrs. Bush. [Luke laughs] Just kidding. You and Lorelai.

LUKE

Oh, I, gee. I don't... think we can make that.

T.J.

Come on! When's the last time we all had a wild night out?

LUKE

Yeah, you know, I think I'm doing something that week.

T.J.

Man, that sucks.

LUKE

[grumbles] Yeah.

T.J.

Wait, which week?

LUKE

Uh, the week of the Rockettes.

T.J.

Which is which week?

LUKE

The week they're here.

T.J.

They're in town a whole month! And I'm fully willing to switch my tickets for whichever night is best for you guys.

LUKE

Yeah, I don't - I don't think so.

T.J.

Come on.

LUKE

I... Lorelai and I... broke up.

T.J.

Oh... Oh!

LUKE

Gee, T.J., Okay!

T.J.

It's okay, buddy. It's okay. Let it out. There is no shame in experiencing pain.

LUKE

I'm having trouble breathing.

T.J.

You are coming over to dinner tonight with me and Liz.

LORELAI

Hello, honorable Rory-san.

RORY

You've made Asia for me?

LORELAI

Mm-hmm. Here's your kimono, honorable Rory-san.

RORY

Thank you. You made crazy Asia.

LORELAI

Well, actually, believe it or not, but this is an exact replica of Japan, China, Vietnam, Cambodia, Hong Kong, Korea, and any other Asian countries that might have slipped my mind. This is exactly what you would see in the other Asia.

RORY

The one that's not in our living room.

LORELAI

Yeah, the old Asia. The first attempt, I like to call it. The prototype.

RORY

Asia's a lot smaller than I thought, more intimate. And more fragrant.

LORELAI

Yes well, Miss Patty donated a bottle of her opium perfume, and I spritzed it around a little.

RORY

A little.

LORELAI

Well, little at first, and then I tripped on my flip-flop and broke the bottle.

RORY

Asia's so pretty. I love all the lanterns and the poster of Mao. Very nice. And one of Sandra Oh. Oddly, you have a poster of Sandra Oh.

LORELAI

Well, she's a goddess. And those aren't posters. They're billboards. You've lost perspective.

RORY

Ah. I see you Feng Shuied the furniture.

LORELAI

Because it was so Unfeng Shuied before. It was ridiculous. Here [hands Rory a camers] to document our journey.

RORY

Xie xie.

LORELAI

Oh, god bless you.

RORY

That's "thank you" in mandarin.

LORELAI

I knew that. Just testing you. Perhaps I shall outline our itinerary.

RORY

Perhaps we shall.

LORELAI

Oh... All right, well, first stop is Japan, land of the rising sun, ruled by hello kitty, where we are gonna make our own sushi.

RORY

You, me, and raw fish? Is that safe?

LORELAI

Well, I took a lesson, and if you're really nervous, then we can skip the Fugu. After we're stuffed with sushi, we will take an invisible Rikshaw to the rice paddies, I.E. Your room, where we will spend hours Origamiing.

RORY

[Gasps] Paper cranes!

LORELAI

Yeah, and paper bulldozers and paper dump trucks and whatever else your little heart desires. Then, we'll take a bullet train straight back to Tokyo where we'll relax with some tai chi in preparation for the kabuki play I wrote.

RORY

Tai chi's actually chinese.

LORELAI

Duh. I know that. We're gonna teach it to the Japanese.

RORY

That's nice of us.

LORELAI

We're very nice that way, alright so, finally, we will conclude our journey with some fortune cookies and dessert sushi.

RORY

Dessert sushi - I do love Asia.

LORELAI

Hmm, and that will be followed by an educational video, which includes, but is not limited to, "Bridge On The River Kwai,"

RORY

Aw...

LORELAI

"The Joy Luck Club," "Karate Kid," "Shanghai Surprise," The Bruce Lee classic "Enter the Dragon," the Tom Selleck classic "Mr. Baseball," and or "Breakfast at Tiffany's."

RORY

"Breakfast at Tiffany's"?

LORELAI

Starring Mickey Rooney in his tour-de-force racist performance as Holly Golightly's Japanese landlord.

RORY

Oh, yeah, he's so bad.

LORELAI

All right, let's make some Sushi. But I'm scared. Oh, I'll let you in on a secret. The fish is really fried chicken.

LORELAI

You are honestly asserting that you like the "Tootsie-roll marshmallow Twizzler" roll better than the "butterfinger junior mint chocolate-chip jujube" roll?

RORY

Hey call me crazy. I don't think butterfingers go with jujubes.

LORELAI

Crazy. The limitations of your palate astound me.

RORY

Hey, I liked the "Oreo red hot" sashimi.

LORELAI

Me too.

RORY

See, I'm not a hater.

LORELAI

Did you notice how the red hots acted as a dessert-Sushi Wasabi?

RORY

I did, which is something we should remember when we go to mass-market these.

LORELAI

I am telling the invention of dessert Sushi is gonna make us our first million.

RORY

And our second.

LORELAI

I'd like our third to be go-go dancing.

RORY

Sounds like a plan. Hmm, I'm not following this plot.

LORELAI

Okay, um... in the last scene, there was a sign that said, "no shirt, no shoes, no service." And this guy, shirtless guy, is angry about that - angry. And he's like, "no, I'm not gonna wear a shirt! I hate shirts!" and that pissed those other guys off. Hey, you know what would be amazing and really Asian? Fried ice cream.

RORY

Oh, cows must envy your stomach.

LORELAI

They do. I'm so full, I can't move. I feel like one of those cats that's bred to have no legs.

LORELAI

Oh don't get me wrong - my stomach's ready to explode. This is not a physical hunger. It's more of a spiritual hunger.

RORY

For fried ice cream.

LORELAI

Yeah, it's an eastern-philosophy thing. You wouldn't understand. [get up and goes to the kitchen, Rory is on the couch still.] So, how do you think one actually goes about frying ice cream?

RORY

Probably in a frying pan.

LORELAI

Uh-oh.h. Bit of a situation here.

RORY

What?

LORELAI

We are out of ice cream.

RORY

I'm a cat with no legs.

LORELAI

We can't answer it. We're out of the country. No ice cream. Unbelievable. One time I feel like cooking there's not ice cream to fry...

CHRISTOPHER

[On the phone] Lor, hey, it's me. Just still trying to reach you. Arr sorry I missed your call before. I wasn't calling about that whole "Luke hitting me" thing. I don't care about that. I just want to talk to you. I want to talk to you about the other night. You said it was just a one-night thing, but I want to talk about it, and about you and me, so... call me so we can talk. Okay. Bye. [call ends]

LORELAI

So...

RORY

You slept with dad.

LORELAI

Yeah. I did.

RORY

You slept with dad. Um, that's just... I can't believe you slept with dad. Is that why you and Luke broke up, because you slept with dad?

LORELAI

No, honey. No, I... believe me, no. Um, Luke and I had broken up before.

RORY

For how long? I mean it couldn't have been long. You and Luke have only been broken up for three days.

LORELAI

Yeah, it was that night.

RORY

The night you and Luke broke up. Wow. So you just rushed right over there the minute you were free, huh?

LORELAI

Rory.

RORY

Sounds like you were in quite a hurry did you put a dummy in the passenger seat so you could use the car-pool Lane?

LORELAI

Rory.

RORY

What you didn't think of it? In too much of a rush I guess. I hope you buckled your seat belt. You're supposed to buckle your seat belt even if you're in a rush.

LORELAI

Hey, Rory...

RORY

no, don't "Rory" me. You don't get to "Rory" me. You slept with dad.

LORELAI

Yeah. I-I-I... I know.

RORY

Are you and dad an item now?

LORELAI

No, it was nothing. I mean, it... it had nothing to do with me and Luke. What happened between me and your dad was nothing. It was nothing.

RORY

Mom, you slept with dad.

LORELAI

For the love of god, will you stop saying that?

RORY

No I can't stop saying it because it happened. And you're trying to pretend like it didn't.

LORELAI

I'm not perfect, okay? People make mistakes. I mean, Gwyneth Paltrow dyed her hair that dark brown. It was very unflattering. If she's not perfect, how do you expect me to be?

RORY

Yeah, because what you did is equivalent to dying your hair. That's great. Things were finally good between you two and between me and dad. Did you not care that things were really good between me and dad? I mean do you not want us to be close? Did you mean to ruin that?

LORELAI

No! God, no! I love that dad's been good and that things with you and dad have been good. I... I was hurting. I was heartbroken. And... it happened. I slept with your dad. It's over now, and it was a mistake.

RORY

I can't believe you didn't tell me this. I mean, first of all, you say you don't want to talk. So I figure you're going through some hard emotional time and you need some space. That's fine but what you didn't tell me is that you slept with dad. No, instead you're going around joking about, you know, origami and marshmallow sushi, like I'm some idiot 5-year-old.

LORELAI

Rory, I was gonna tell you. I just wanted...

RORY

You know what, mom? If you're heartbroken, rent "An Affair to Remember," have a good cry, and drown your sorrows in a pint of ice cream. You get a hideously unflattering breakup haircut. You don't sleep with dad.

LIZ

AND T.J.'S HOME

T.J.

Honey, we're home.

LIZ

Hi.

T.J.

[kisses Liz and her belly] Keep your hands off me, you sex maniac.

LIZ

Oh, big brother, I'm so, so sorry.

LUKE

Aw, thanks.

LIZ

Come in, come in. Make yourself at home. Dinner's still in the oven, so we have time to have a cocktail here and talk.

T.J.

Cocktail hour. Pretty swanky stuff, huh?

LUKE

Very.

LIZ

Sit, sit.

LUKE

You should be the one that's sitting.

LIZ

I'm fine.

T.J.

She's fine, plus, it's good for her to move around. Keeps all those hormones circulating so they don't settle in one place, if you know what I mean.

LIZ

[hands Luke a drink] White Russian. [then T.J.] T.J.

T.J.

She's trying to liquor me up. I can see where this is going.

LUKE

It better not.

LIZ

We're really into White Russians recently.

T.J.

It's our thing.

LUKE

Yeah.

LIZ

Of course, mine's a virgin.

T.J.

Ironically.

LIZ

Just cream. So... I'm ready to talk.

LUKE

Oh, you know, it's really okay. I don't need to talk. It's just nice to be here.

LIZ

So was it Anna?

LUKE

What? No. It wasn't Anna.

LIZ

You sure?

LUKE

Look it wasn't Anna, okay? Lorelai and I just broke up, and I'd really rather not talk about it, so... if you don't want to talk about something else, let's sit here and drink our White Russians.

RORY

Lane? Lane?

LANE

I'm in here.

RORY

Is Zach or Brian here?

LANE

No.

RORY

Sorry I didn't call first. I don't know the protocol for married friends. I just had to get out of my house. If I were there for one more second, I think I would have had to karate-chop my mom. I swear, just chopped her in half. I guess I... [she sees Lane sitting on the floor] Lane, are you okay? Did the doctor say you have a parasite?

LANE

In a manner of speaking. [Sighs] I'm pregnant.

RORY

Shut up.

LANE

I'm pregnant.

RORY

You're not.

LANE

I am.

RORY

No.

LANE

Yes. I went to the doctor and he told me. I'm pregnant with a baby.

RORY

No.

LANE

Yes.

RORY

Wow.

LANE

Yeah, wow.

RORY

Oh, my god. Wow. Wow. How did Zach take it?

LANE

He didn't. I haven't told him yet. I haven't told anyone. I just came back here and sat here, pregnant.

RORY

You're not.

LANE

I am.

RORY

Really?

LANE

Really, I guess the combination of salt water and seaweed and discount Mexican condoms and terrible, terrible sex leads to a baby.

RORY

A baby.

LANE

A baby. Sex sucks so bad. Sex sucks worse than I thought.

RORY

You only did it one time, and - wow, a baby.

LANE

That's what you get, folks, for making whoopee.

RORY

You're going to be a mother.

LANE

When the doctor told me, I started throwing up.

RORY

Well you had morning sickness.

LANE

This was a different kind of throwing up. This was the kind of throwing up that you do when you have to do something that you can't do.

RORY

You're going to be a great mother.

LANE

Maybe someday, but not now. I have a picture in my head of me as a mother. You know, I can imagine it, and in that picture, I'm wearing a skirt and heels, and my hair is up in a bun. I'm pushing one of those fancy British baby carriages that are called silver surfers or something.

RORY

Very Madonna in her British-mommy phase.

LANE

When I'm a mom, I'll be calm and wise and have my act together. I am not calm and not wise, and I really, really don't have my act together.

RORY

You don't have to wear heels and push a pram to be a mother.

LANE

A pram! See? I didn't even remember the word pram. Mothers know the word pram.

RORY

Mothers don't have to know the word pram.

LANE

Yes, they do! They have to know all sorts of things. They have to know what to do when your baby is crying and how to change a diaper and how to use your wrist to test if the bottle is too hot. Why the wrist? I don't know. I have no idea.

RORY

Um, I think because it's handy, no pun intended, and um it's sensitive. Wrists are sensitive.

LANE

It's just one false move, one misstep, and I'll ruin it. I'm still making mistakes, Rory. Example "a" - I'm pregnant. I can't be making mistakes when I'm a mother. I'm not the person I need to be to be able to do this. I'm not perfect yet. I'm so not perfect.

RORY

You don't have to be perfect. I mean, even Gwyneth Paltrow makes mistakes, like "Shallow Hal" and that other movie that nobody saw where she played a stewardess. So who's perfect? Nobody. Not even mothers.

LANE

Yeah... I'm scared.

RORY

I know you are, but you can do this. First of all, you are great. And second of all, you have nine long months to study about bottles and wrists.

LANE

That's true.

RORY

And, already, you are way ahead of a lot of people as far as parenting skills go, like Britney. Britney Spears does not know which end of a baby goes up. And Courtney Love? She's no June Cleaver.

LANE

Yeah I bet I could be a better mother than Courtney Love.

RORY

My sock drawer could be a better mother. But, yes, of course you would be. And Michael Jackson - you know not to name a child "blanket."

LANE

I do know that. Do not name your baby after an inanimate object.

RORY

See? Way ahead of the pack.

LANE

Yeah. Hey... I wonder if um blanket ever met Tom and Katie's baby, Pillow.

RORY

Yeah, that would be a perfect play date.

LANE

Yeah, when it's nap time, they would be totally set.

RORY

And then they could invite Gwyneth's Apple over afterward for a little snack.

LANE

Banjo, Rachel Griffiths' baby, could play for them.

RORY

And then they could all jump in Mia Farrow's Satchel and make fun of, uh... what's his face?

LANE

Oh, Pilot Inspektor Lee.

RORY

Yeah.

LIZ

AND T.J.'S HOUSE

LIZ

Little more time, looks like.

T.J.

Can I set you up with another White Russian there, Luke?

LUKE

One was plenty, thank you.

LIZ

I can't believe it's not ready. I thought for sure it'd be ready by now. I'm so sorry, Luke. You must be starving.

LUKE

Don't worry about it.

LIZ

Uh maybe we should start with a little first course. Let me see what I have in here.

LUKE

So what exactly are you making that cooks for this long?

LIZ

Tuna loaf.

LUKE

Tuna loaf.

T.J.

That sounds amazing.

LUKE

Well, it's very thoughtful of you.

LIZ

Jello cups!

T.J.

Score.

LIZ

Well, anyway, invention is the mother of necessity. Eat your jello course. So it's not surprising, you know?

LUKE

What's not?

LIZ

You and Lorelai breaking up. I mean, that's not much of a surprise.

LUKE

Yeah. I don't know.

LIZ

I mean, I love Lorelai, but the two of you were...

LUKE

Were what?

LIZ

You were never in sync. I don't mean that in a bad way.

LUKE

What do you mean, we were never in sync?

LIZ

Okay, for one thing, you never really moved in together. You wanted to, but you never did. You were in two different places.

LUKE

Well, there was a logistical thing.

LIZ

And then, when you found out you had a daughter, you never told her. That's not normal, Luke. That's not how people in a healthy relationship act. It's like that space-time-continuum thing. You're on a plane over here, and she's on this plane over there, and you were both never here nor there at the same time.

T.J.

It's like string theory.

LUKE

String Theory, what do you know about string theory?

T.J.

Don't underestimate me, Luke. I read. And I watch "Battlestar Galactica."

LUKE

Look, Lorelai and I just did not work out.

LIZ

You were on different planes. It could have worked out if there was a wormhole between your plane and her plane.

LUKE

We didn't need a wormhole.

LIZ

It was like that movie with, um, Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock.

T.J.

Exactly!

LIZ

Yeah.

T.J.

Oh, yes! Exactly, exactly!

LIZ

You're living in the same house, man, but you are a couple years apart in the space-time continuum.

T.J.

What house? It was a bus. Oh! I thought you were talking about "Speed." "Speed" applies, too.

LUKE

Lorelai and I didn't break up because we weren't on the same place in a space-time continuum or because there weren't any wormholes. We broke up because we weren't right for each other. Okay, it wasn't space. It wasn't time. It was us, okay? We didn't belong together. [Luke sounds like he is trying to convince himself] We never really... belonged together. We wanted to, but... we never did. That's it.

LIZ

I am so excited. [She pulls the food out f the oven] It's cold. The oven's cold. The oven's broken.

T.J.

Oh, man, still?

LIZ

We forgot to fix the oven. Oh, Luke, I am so sorry. I really wanted to make you a home-cooked meal.

LUKE

I'll go the store and get something to make for us.

LIZ

Oh, Luke.

LUKE

That's okay, really. I don't mind. Aw, I'll get us some stuff and make us a home-cooked meal. Your burners work?

LIZ

Yeah, they work.

LUKE

Okay, good. Great.

LIZ

At least you'll have a home-cooked meal.

LUKE

Okay, I'll be back in a bit.

LIZ

Okay.

LUKE

[Sighs] Hey.

LORELAI

Well, I guess both of us avoiding Doose's didn't work out that well, huh?

LUKE

Well, I wasn't avoiding Doose's. Just the closest market to Liz and T.J.'s house.

LORELAI

Right. Because you're not affected by this. You're not mad. I forgot.

LUKE

No, I... I was mad. I was really mad.

LORELAI

Yeah, I kind of figured.

LUKE

[Sighs] I know I was a jerk. I was just... mad.

LORELAI

I was the jerk. I was such a jerk.

LUKE

I'm not mad anymore. Well... [Sighs] That's not true, but... I won't be, you know, eventually. Really.

LORELAI

Yeah?

LUKE

Yeah.

LORELAI

Okay.

LUKE

It's not your fault. It's not my fault. It's just, we're not right together, you know? You're you, I'm me. I just... want to stop pretending we're something else. You don't belong with me. You belong with someone like Christopher. and I just... let's just stop fighting it, okay? And you go back to being Lorelai Gilmore. I'll go back to being the guy in the diner who pours your coffee.

LORELAI

My hand's getting cold. [holds up some ice cream]

LUKE

[nods] Okay.

LORELAI

Okay.