T7E3: “Lorelai’s First Cotillion”

LORELAI

Hey, punch me in the stomach.

RORY

What?

LORELAI

Real quick -- jab, jab. Not too hard. Just enough to cause internal bleeding.

RORY

That sounds pretty hard.

LORELAI

Yeah, true, plus, internal bleeding is internal, which means it can't be proven. And unless my mother sees blood, there's no way she's gonna let you take me to the hospital. You're right you're gonna have to punch me in the face. Real quick -- jab, jab.

RORY

I am not going to punch you in the fAce.

LORELAI

Why? I'll heal. I'd much rather spend the night in the emergency room getting 8 to 10 stitches than go in there for dinner. Plus, it'll give me a groovy scar. I've always wanted a groovy scar.

RORY

Mom.

LORELAI

It'd be such a great conversation piece. "Where did you get that groovy scar?" "Oh, my daughter dropkicked me for no apparent reason." She's totally psycho.

RORY

Oh, so now I'm dropkicking you?

LORELAI

Give me and few options you didn't like the whole jab, jab thing.

RORY

We haven't had dinner with them in three weeks. Suck it up. We're going in.

LORELAI

Hey you didn't make it through the last dinner, which means technically you've had four weeks, which means you owe me one.

RORY

I stayed for cocktail hour.

LORELAI

That's the best part.

RORY

I can't help that it's at the beginning.

LORELAI

Okay, fine, then you stay through dessert, and I'll leave early to go spend time with Logan.

RORY

Oh, I miss Logan.

LORELAI

Yeah, me too. Let's talk about him for four or five hours.

RORY

We're going inside. [goes to knock on the door]

LORELAI

No! Gonna be horrible.

RORY

They're always horrible.

LORELAI

No, it's gonna be horribler because of the whole Luke thing.

RORY

Well doesn't grandma already know because of the house debacle?

LORELAI

No she suspects, but she doesn't know know. I'm gonna have to tell them.

RORY

Well, just tell them real quick, like ripping a band-aid off.

LORELAI

Ripping a band-aid off that's been superglued, stapled, and surgically embedded in my arm.

RORY

Just tell them, and then we can move on, we can talk about more pleasant things, like the middle east.

LORELAI

I don't know how they're gonna come at me. I mean I know they're gonna come at me, but I don't know how. I mean It could be guilt, pity, anger, contempt. They have so many options.

RORY

Well in all likelihood, it will be a combination of all of those.

LORELAI

I don't want the whole night to be about Luke.

RORY

It won't be. Don't worry. Just put it out there, and then when they attack you, whatever angle they're coming from, I will deflect.

LORELAI

How will you deflect?

RORY

Well I don't know. Maybe I will talk about Bangalore.

LORELAI

You know a lot about Bangalore?

RORY

Don't you? Bangalore? Outsourcing? When you call customer service, you're talking to some nice dude in India who speaks perfect English. Don't you read time magazine?

LORELAI

It doesn't seem like a rich subject area.

RORY

Yeah. [knocks on the door]

LORELAI

No! Uhh! Ah I know you tell them you're converting to Judaism, and that will throw the friday-night-dinner thing in jeopardy.

RORY

There you go.

CHARLOTTE

Hello.

LORELAI

Hi.

RORY

Hello.

CHARLOTTE

Come in. May I take your coats?

LORELAI

Uh, well, okay. Here you go. [Chuckles] That's a pretty dress.

CHARLOTTE

Thank you.

LORELAI

Oh. You okay there?

CHARLOTTE

I'm fine. Right this way.

LORELAI

Weird.

RORY

So weird.

LORELAI

It's a child, right?

RORY

Pretty sure.

LORELAI

Maybe mom has run out of adults who will work for her. [they walk in to the living room] Hi, mom. Hi, dad.

RICHARD

Good evening, Rory. Lorelai.

RORY

Hi, grandma. Hi, grandpa.

EMILY

Well done, Charlotte. C.C. Guest couldn't have done it better herself.

CHARLOTTE

Thank you, Mrs. Gilmore.

EMILY

Lorelai, Rory, allow me to introduce charlotte Courtwright. Charlotte, this is Lorelai Gilmore and Rory Gilmore, my granddaughter and her mother.

CHARLOTTE

It's a pleasure to meet you.

LORELAI

Oh, a pleasure.

RORY

Hi again. [waves]

EMILY

Charlotte's grandparents, Arthur and Beverly, are dear friends of ours. In fact, it was the Courtwrights who put us up for membership at Blackledge. Isn't that right, Richard?

RICHARD

Indeed it is, although I have a feeling Arthur did that just so he could humiliate me on the links every Sunday. [to Charlotte] Hell of a golfer, your grandfather.

CHARLOTTE

Yes, he used to be scratch, but now he's a 3.

RORY

You know "Charlotte's web" is one of my favorite books.

LORELAI

Spiders talking to pigs. What could be better?

CHARLOTTE

Can I offer anyone a cocktail?

LORELAI

Uh... okay. Sure. Is that legal?

EMILY

She'll have a martini with a twist. Scotch on the rocks for Richard. "G" and "T" for me. Rory?

RORY

Just a club soda, please.

CHARLOTTE

Would Lorelai you like that straight up or on the rocks?

LORELAI

Um, Straight up. Thanks.

EMILY

You're never too young to learn to make a Martini.

LORELAI

Who is that?

EMILY

I told you. It's the Courtwrights' granddaughter, charlotte.

LORELAI

Why is she taking our coats and pouring us drinks? Did you win her in a poker game?

RICHARD

Your mother has been dragooned by her colleagues at the D.A.R. To lend her expertise to this year's summer cotillion.

LORELAI

It's been quite a responsibility. But Eliza Appleton insisted that there was no one she knew who was better suited to preparing these girls for society living. I could hardly say no.

CHARLOTTE

Here we are.

RICHARD

Oh. Thank you, charlotte.

CHARLOTTE

Martini straight up.

LORELAI

Oh. Thanks.

RORY

Thank you.

LORELAI

So, nothing for you? You driving tonight?

CHARLOTTE

Oh, Lorelai, I'm only 10.

EMILY

In any case Charlotte missed last week's session on table manners, so we've decided to make tonight's dinner a makeup class.

CHARLOTTE

I'm awfully sorry about that, Mrs. Gilmore. My grandparents took me to a count basie tribute at Tanglewood.

EMILY

[changing here tone] Charlotte, you might have noticed the ice cubes in my glass have already melted. There's a whole ice bucket up there. There's no need to be so stingy.

CHARLOTTE

[sounding scared] I'm sorry.

EMILY

For future reference. It's obviously too late now.

LORELAI

This is your chance. Get out while you still can. I can show you all the good escape routes.

CHARLOTTE

[happy again] Mrs. Gilmore warned me you'd be full of smart remarks.

EMILY

Now, tonight we'll be dining with service La Russe, which has nothing to do with Russians -- thank god -- because in my experience, their table manners are nothing to emulate. All it means is that the servers will be passing each course in turn instead of plopping all the food on the table at once, like some mukluk picnic. Now, it is the duty of the gentleman to help a lady to her seat. Richard.

RICHARD

It is my pleasure.

RORY

We can seat ourselves.

LORELAI

Yeah, seating us is more of a privilege, not a duty.

EMILY

Now, immediately upon sitting, one should plAce one's napkin in one's lap. And, mind you, no need for a flourish. The ability to use a napkin is nothing to brag about.

RORY

The table looks beautiful, grandma.

EMILY

Why, thank you, Rory.

LORELAI

What's with all the forks?

EMILY

Every piece of silverware has a purpose. You simply work from the outermost utensil in towards your plate. Can you name each of these forks?

LORELAI

Each one of these forks is gonna take 20 minutes.

CHARLOTTE

And then the fish fork, and then the entrée fork, and then -- is this the dessert? Oh, wait -- it's for the roast course, isn't it?

EMILY

Exactly. Very good, charlotte.

RORY

Hey you're gonna wow them at your cotillion.

CHARLOTTE

Did you ever attend a cotillion?

RORY

No, I haven't, actually, but I had a coming-out party.

LORELAI

And I totally supported her decision. She shouldn't have to hide her love for women.

EMILY

Lorelai, there's nothing funny about being a lesbian.

RORY

I'm sure you'll have fun at your cotillion.

CHARLOTTE

I'm very much looking forward to it.

LORELAI

Oh, don't get too excited. Cotillions are not fun parties. They're boring rituals to train a whole new generation of snobs.

EMILY

And how exactly would you know? Lorelai never actually attended a cotillion.

LORELAI

You don't have to jump off the empire state building to know it's gonna hurt.

CHARLOTTE

Um, this looks delicious, Mrs. Gilmore.

EMILY

It's just a simple Potage Au Cresson. [continues talking to Charlotte in the back ground]

RORY

[to Lorelai] I thought you were gonna rip off the band-aid.

LORELAI

Well I, the kid threw me off. I'm looking for an opening, I'll find it.

EMILY

... To ladle the broth away from our bodies.

RICHARD

Rory, how has the summer been treating you so far?

RORY

It's treating me very well so far, thank you.

EMILY

Are you relaxing in preparation for your senior year?

RORY

Well, I've been doing some part-time work. Paris opened this business, a tutoring business, and it prepares people for the S.A.T.S. It's kind of like the Princeton review but meaner.

RICHARD

Sounds very enterprising.

EMILY

And what about your social calendar? Do you have anything exciting planned?

RORY

Not really. Logan's in London, so...

EMILY

Logan is Rory's boyfriend. He's a Huntzberger.

CHARLOTTE

Ah.

RICHARD

How is Logan enjoying London?

RORY

I think he likes it. He's working a lot and meeting different department heads, getting situated, learning to talk British, you know.

RICHARD

Lorelai, how's summer with you? Anything new?

LORELAI

Um... we planted some pansies at the Dragonfly, in the back there. They look good. And, um, I finally bought a new DVD player. And... Luke and I broke up.

EMILY

Did you? That's too bad.

RICHARD

Hmm.

EMILY

Now, charlotte, when the conversation lags, a good guest ought to be prepared to introduce a new topic. Keep it light -- no politics, no religion. My little trick? Think of things in the middle three sections of the Sunday New York Times -- travel, arts & leisure, Sunday styles -- and forget the rest of the paper exists.

LORELAI

Look, it's all right.

EMILY

What is?

LORELAI

We can talk about the breakup. I'm sure you have thoughts on the subject, and why don't we get it all out in the open now so we can move on with our lives?

EMILY

I've moved on. Richard, anything you'd like to add?

RICHARD

I can't think of a thing.

EMILY

All right, then. Isn't it interesting how they're renovating so many of the old Paradores in Spain? Funny you should mention that because last week at the club, Chick Walsh told me that he and Mary stayed at this extraordinary old castle near Madrid. Where was it? Um, uh, Lerma.

EMILY

Lerma? How nice.

LORELAI

Excuse me. Uh, what's going on? Why are we talking about Lerma? It's a town in Spain.

LORELAI

Yes, I understand geography, but why are you avoiding the subject of my breakup?

EMILY

Honestly, Lorelai, I see no point in continuing this conversation. We couldn't possibly say anything right, so why say anything at all?

LORELAI

Well that's not true.

EMILY

It absolutely is.

LORELAI

You could say something. You could try. You could say, "I'm sorry, Lorelai. This must be a very hard time for you."

EMILY

Well, i am sorry, Lorelai, I'm sure this is a very hard time for you.

LORELAI

That's it? That's all?

EMILY

I just said what you said to say.

LORELAI

I mean you don't have anything of your own to add?

EMILY

I'm sure whatever Luke did...

LORELAI

See? It's so interesting you blame it on him, and you don't even know the whole story.

RORY

Mum

EMILY

I knew we couldn't talk about this. I should have claimed I had laryngitis.

RICHARD

Lorelai, your mother is simply expressing our regrets that you've ended your relationship with Luke. I hardly see how that's offensive.

LORELAI

Fine... Only that's not true. You never liked Luke. You never showed him anything but total contempt.

RICHARD

That's not true. I played golf with Luke.

LORELAI

Once.

EMILY

We were buying the two of you a house. Doesn't the fact that we were willing to spend an enormous amount of money on a wedding present count for anything?

LORELAI

So, that's what you're mad about? Your mad about the enormous amount of money you might have wasted?

RORY

Mum.

EMILY

That's not what I was saying.

LORELAI

Well, you implied it.

EMILY

Lorelai that's...

RICHARD

Bangalore! Bangalore!... Bangalore.

RORY

Hi.

LOGAN

Morning, Ace. [to someone handing Logan some food] Thanks.

RORY

How's your day going?

LOGAN

My day hasn't started yet. How was your yesterday?

RORY

[Yawns] I'm still sleepy.

LOGAN

I can let you go back to sleep.

RORY

No, no, I'm up. I'm up. What happened yesterday?

LOGAN

My yesterday or your yesterday?

RORY

Either one.

LOGAN

Let's see, I had a scone for breakfast -- not as dry as Monday's, but I still think there's room for improvement. And then I went into a meeting with about 18 different department heads, all of whom I believe are named Nigel, and that meeting lasted for about nine hours.

RORY

Was it a cranberry scone?

LOGAN

Blueberry.

RORY

Those are my favorite kind.

LOGAN

Your turn.

RORY

Well, I'm tutoring this new kid, Benji. And, oh, it was really funny because he kept misusing this word. I don't remember what word it was. But it will come to me. Anyway, he kept misusing it, and I didn't want to correct him 'cause I didn't want him to feel embarrassed. But then he messed up on the work sheet, and then he realized all by himself that he had misused the word. [Chuckles] I guess it wasn't funny "ha ha." It was more funny "you had to be there."

LOGAN

That's okay.

RORY

Are you working?

LOGAN

Just I.M.'ing.

RORY

If you have to go...

LOGAN

No I just have to let my assistant know I'm on the phone with you, so I'll be 2 minutes late to the meeting.

RORY

I don't want you to be late.

LOGAN

It's no problem. I don't mind.

RORY

Well now I feel like I have to come up with something great to talk about.

LOGAN

No pressure. [looking at the computer screen] Ohh.

RORY

What?

LOGAN

Nothing.

RORY

Now you really do have to go.

LOGAN

Well, yeah.

RORY

"Philanthropic."

LOGAN

What?

RORY

Philanthropic, that was the word that Benji kept misusing. He kept saying "Philantropic." He thought it meant "tropical." It was funny.

LOGAN

I'll call you tonight.

RORY

My tonight or your tonight?

LOGAN

Got to go, Ace.

RORY

Okay. Bye. [Hangs up, Inhales, exhales deeply]

RORY

Are you enjoying your breakfast?

LORELAI

I don't know if I like pop-tarts.

RORY

Did you fall on your head while you were sleeping?

LORELAI

I don't know. Do I like this? Is this something I like?

RORY

So, you fell on your head, and now you have some kind of very specific amnesia, is that it?

LORELAI

Last night I was dreading mom and dad's reaction to the breakup, right?

RORY

Right. Dread, dread. I remember.

LORELAI

And then they didn't react -- not one bit. It's almost like the absence of their reaction was worse than any freak-out they could have had.

RORY

Okay. Sure.

LORELAI

Then I thought, "why? Why do I care if they freak out? What do I get out of it?"

RORY

Uh ha.

LORELAI

And then I thought, "maybe their freak-outs" are like some kind of compass for me, you know "like, I know I'm doing what I want to do if it freaks them out." And then I thought, "what if I don't want to do "what I want to do because I want to do it, but because they don't want me to?"

RORY

Huh?

LORELAI

I mean what if I don't like what I like because I like it, but because my mother doesn't like it and doesn't want me to like it? What if I don't actually like the music that I like or the movies or the clothes or the men? What if I don't like what I seem to like?

RORY

Ah, hence the pop-tart.

LORELAI

Yes. Hence. I can remember the first time I had a pop-tart. It was at my friend Erica Catcha's house, and she said, “do you want a pop-tart?" And I knew my mother would recoil at the very idea of me having a pop-tart. I could just picture her. [Emily voice] "A pop-tart?!" [normal voice] And so, I had one. And I opened the little silver wrapper, and I took a bite, and I thought nothing had ever tasted so good. I thought it tasted like freedom. It tasted like I was my own person. The pop-tart tasted like freedom and rebellion and independence.

RORY

Wow. That's some pop-tart. What flavor was that?

LORELAI

But now I think I don't know if I like pop-tarts. What if I don't like pop-tarts? Would I like pop-tarts if Richard and Emily had served me pop-tarts on a silver platter and demanded I eat every bite? I don't know.

RORY

Hey, where are all the pop-tarts?

LORELAI

I've been experimenting.

RORY

You ate all the pop-tarts?

LORELAI

If it makes you feel any better I don't know if I like them!

RORY

Well, I hope you didn't eat all the Froot Loops.

LORELAI

Hey, how was last night's conversation?

RORY

Eh.

LORELAI

Eh-eh?

RORY

It's just these transatlantic phone calls. I don't know if it's the "trans" or the "Atlantic" or the fact that it's 2:00 in the morning, but Helen Keller and Stephen Hawking could have a more connected conversation.

LORELAI

Helen Keller's dead.

RORY

Yeah, well, even dead, she could do better. It's just so awkward and pausy. And I feel like the more I try to connect, the more disconnected I feel. And I just feel like I'm working so hard, but maybe I shouldn't be having to work so hard. And then I feel self-conscious, but I shouldn't feel self-conscious, so then I feel self-conscious about that. I don't know maybe it's just the salt in the ocean. It corrodes conversations or something.

LORELAI

Yeah. It sounds like the salt.

RORY

[Picks up a pop-tart off Lorelai plate] Um.

LORELAI

Hey!

RORY

I like pop-tarts.

LUKE

Here you go, ladies.

MISS PATTY

It's the ceilings. They're vaulted now, aren't they?

LUKE

The ceilings aren't vaulted.

BABETTE

I got it, it's the curly fries. You never used to have curly fries here before, did you Luke.

LUKE

Always had curly fries.

BABETTE

I'm telling you, something's different about the plAce.

LUKE

Nothing, nothing has changed. It's exactly the same.

MISS PATTY

He must have done something to the windows 'cause the light is much better now.

BABETTE

Yeah it's a lot less gloomy than it used to be.

LUKE

An identical level of gloom, people.

BABETTE

I got it. You got new chairs. I knew my butt felt more comfortable.

LUKE

Your butt feels exactly the same, Babette. Now, would you two can it? I didn't change a damn thing.

LUKE

Hey, Rory.

RORY

Hi, Luke.

LUKE

How's it going?

RORY

Good. I'm good. And you?

LUKE

Doing good.

RORY

Glad to hear that. Congratulations on the reopening.

LUKE

Oh, yeah, thanks. Back to normal, I guess.

RORY

New hat?

LUKE

Yeah. So, I didn't think you were gonna make it back this summer.

RORY

Oh, I wasn't, but then I did.

LUKE

Things change.

RORY

Yeah.

LUKE

So, you want a table?

RORY

No, I think I'll just take some coffee and a muffin to go, if you have it.

LUKE

I have it.

BABETTE

It's the curtains!

LUKE

Yeah those curtains have always been here.

BABETTE

I know. I'm just saying you used to have more curtains.

LUKE

No, I never had more curtains.

LANE

Hi.

RORY

Lane, hey come over here.

LANE

[handing some food to a customer] Here you go.

RORY

Hey. So? How did it go? Was it hard? Did he freak out?

LANE

What are you talking about?

RORY

Zach... and the pregnancy.

LANE

Oh. That. I haven't told him yet.

RORY

Really?

LANE

Yeah, I was, but now I'm thinking I'm gonna wait.

RORY

Okay. For how long?

LANE

I don't know. A couple years?

RORY

Lane!

LANE

I'm gonna tell him eventually, just not yet. Besides, a lot of people wait a full 12 weeks before they tell anyone they're pregnant.

RORY

Not the husband.

LANE

I just need a little more time to adjust, you know? I kind of want to process this by myself a little longer.

RORY

You can wait as long as you want. You can wait until the baby comes out and have her tell him.

LANE

Her?

RORY

Or him.

LANE

It could be a him! Oh, god, I'm not ready for a him!

RORY

Maybe it'll be a her.

LANE

Who's ready for a her?!

RORY

You are. And Zach is. You guys can do this.

LANE

Hey, you want to tell him?

LUKE

One coffee. One muffin. One employee sitting at a table.

LANE

Sorry, Luke. [Gets up]

RORY

Thanks, Luke. See you later. [leaves]

LUKE

See you later.

BABETTE

[Yelling at Luke] New mugs!

LUKE

Hey! Same mugs. [Sighs]

SOOKIE

Wow. Somebody's all fancy-pants. I've never seen your hair up like that.

LORELAI

I'm just trying out a new look, seeing if I like it, serving no master but myself.

SOOKIE

Are you gonna try pigtails, too? Because that's kind of my thing.

LORELAI

It's freeing, really. I never realized how my mother influenced my every decision, even decisions that don't seem like decisions, like tying my shoes. I mean I've always been a fan of the bunny ears, you know? And this morning I decided not to bunny-ear, and you know what happened?

SOOKIE

No.

LORELAI

Turns out Bunny ears take a lot longer than the regular way. I saved three seconds this morning.

SOOKIE

What does your mother have to do with bunny ears?

LORELAI

My mother is everywhere...[Michel enters] in my shoes, in my clothes, in my food.

MICHEL

Your mother is here.

LORELAI

In my inn. What do you mean, what are you talking about? Why is my mother here?

SOOKIE

She's here to taste the menu for the tea. [Turns to Michel] Why doesn't she know what I'm talking about?

LORELAI

What tea?

SOOKIE

I thought you were going to tell her.

LORELAI

What tea?

MICHEL

I was going to tell her. Then I considered what it would be like if I did not tell her, and I thought it might be more fun. I was right.

LORELAI

What tea?

EMILY

Lorelai, do you normally keep your guests waiting like that? It's very rude. Hello, Sookie.

SOOKIE

Hi, Mrs. Gilmore. Welcome.

LORELAI

What tea?

EMILY

There's no need to shout, Lorelai. I'm bringing the girls here Friday for afternoon tea as part of their etiquette training.

LORELAI

Here, why bringing them here?

EMILY

Actually I was going to take them into the city for high tea at the Pierre. But the Matre d' at the Pierre apparently believes that proper high tea includes club sandwiches and a juice bar, and I simply couldn't subject these impressionable young girls to such tasteless effrontery.

LORELAI

Do they even have tea at a cotillion?

EMILY

Don't be absurd. As long as I have them under my wing, I feel that it is my duty to offer them as much of my expertise as possible. Last week we went to the symphony and the hopper exhibit at the met. This week it's high tea and "Rigoletto" at Lincoln center.

LORELAI

Have you done that thing where they walk around with books on their heads? That's always a good one.

EMILY

Sookie, these are simply divine.

SOOKIE

It's the lemon zest. It makes all the difference.

EMILY

Although, we definitely shouldn't serve the spinach quiche. Some of the girls have brAces, and their mothers would never forgive me if they spent the evening with hideous green smiles. Perhaps a Shrimp salad a or more traditional cream cheese and cucumber would be more appropriate?

LORELAI

Yum. Cucumber.

EMILY

Is that peanut butter and jelly?

SOOKIE

Yes. I just thought since the girls were only 10 that they'd enjoy it more than the smoked-salmon sandwiches.

EMILY

[snapping] They're 10. They're not animals. This is a proper tea, Sookie. I'm not interested in circus food.

LORELAI

[to Sookie] Stings, don't it?

EMILY

[to Michel] I'd like to see the room we'll be using. If the lighting isn't right, we may have to make some adjustments.

MICHEL

Right this way.

EMILY

I like your hair like that, Lorelai.

TUTOR

It's a good sentence, but you want to make sure never to end with a preposition.

PARIS

If she ended the sentence with a preposition, how could it have been a good sentence? Sounds like a terrible sentence.

TUTOR

Well I was...

PARIS

You were just coddling her. You want to prop her up on your knee and burp her, maybe buy her a pony? I'm not paying you to make her feel better about her incompetence. If she can't construct a proper sentence, how is she gonna pass the essay section of the S.A.T.?

TUTOR

Well...

PARIS

That was rhetorical! Carry on.

PARIS

Why don't you go slower, Dalton? 'Cause you haven't been on the same page for the last 20 minutes or anything.

RORY

Okay, "doctor is to hospital as, "'a,' sports fan is to stadium, 'b,' ice is to freezer, 'c' professor is to college, or, 'd,' criminal is to jail?"

ERIC

Um, "a," sports fan is to stadium?

RORY

It's actually "c," professor is to college. When you're doing this kind of analogy, you have to be a little more specific than just filling in the blank with "is found in." A doctor works in a hospital, just as a professor works in a college. Make sense?

ERIC

[smiling at Rory] You're really smart.

RORY

Thanks that's very sweet, Eric. And you're just as smart. I promise.

PARIS

Are you kidding? [buzzer goes off] That's it! Pencils down. [to Eric] That means you, Casanova. Time is up! Everyone out, unless your parents want to start paying for overtime, which for many of you might be a good idea. Not so fast, employees. Today's work was shoddy at best. Between the overt coddling and the inappropriate flirting, I feel like I'm running a bordello. Gilmore, do you see any of my students falling in love with me? No, and do you know why? because you don't fall in love with people that make you want to crap your pants. I want to see terror in their eyes! Fear is a great motivator, people. Use it. What are you standing around here for? Go! Dismissed. [to Rory] Okay, I'm not your boss anymore. We can do five minutes of friend time.

RORY

I appreciate the offer, but I have to make a phone call.

PARIS

Logan?

RORY

Yep.

PARIS

How's that going?

RORY

It's good, you know? It's fine.

PARIS

So, it's awful?

RORY

No.

PARIS

Because you downgraded from good to fine in under two seconds, so I figured I'd cut to the chase.

RORY

Not awful. It's just hard because of the distance.

PARIS

Uh-huh. How's the sex?

RORY

Um, well, seeing as he's in London and I'm here, the sex is pretty much nonexistent.

PARIS

You've got a phone. Use it.

RORY

What? You mean... [Chuckles] I can't do that. I talk to my mother on that phone.

PARIS

Okay, what about texting?

RORY

No. No, thank you.

PARIS

Why not? You say stuff when you're together, don't you?

RORY

Yeah. I guess. Sometimes.

PARIS

So, text it. Texting is great. And you can do it while you're doing other things. Doyle and I are doing it right now.

RORY

What? [Looks at Paris' phone] Oh, my god!

PARIS

Don't worry. This is advanced. Right now all you are looking to do is create some intimacy. Stick to the basics.

RORY

I don't have any basics.

PARIS

Write what you know.

RORY

Thanks, Paris. I'll figure something out.

PARIS

Doyle thinks it's a great idea.

RORY

Can you not talk about me on that thing when you're doing that with him?

PARIS

Sorry.

RORY

Jeez.

ZACH

I'm telling you, man, she's totally avoiding me. She won't even talk to me. She'll barely even look at me. It's over. She's divorcing me.

BRIAN

I'll admit it's not the best marriage I've seen, although I only have my parents to compare it to, and they're unusually happy.

ZACH

We were happy once, and then that stupid honeymoon happened. And ever since we came home, it's like she's a different person.

BRIAN

Maybe it was the parasite.

ZACH

What do you mean?

BRIAN

You know maybe the parasite like got into her brain and ate away the part that was in love with you.

ZACH

I can't believe it's over. I mean we haven't even written our thank-you notes.

BRIAN

I was gonna say.

ZACH

Hey man I already told you we like the bowl.

BRIAN

Doesn't mean I don't deserve a note. [Zach starts playing again] It's all gonna be okay, Zach. I'm here for you, man. I got your back. Hey, that's nice.

ZACH

Yeah, the pain is totally helping my music.

LANE

We need to talk.

ZACH

Okay. Let's talk.

LANE

Alone?

ZACH

Anything you have to say to me, you can say in front of Brian.

LANE

I'm pregnant.

ZACH

[stunned] With a baby?

LANE

Yes, pregnant with a baby.

ZACH

But how? When?

LANE

On a beach in Mexico, about three weeks ago. I'm pretty sure you were there.

ZACH

But we only did it once.

LANE

Once is really all it takes. [Zack leaves] Where are you going?

ZACH

Brian must be freaking out!

EMILY

Good afternoon, Lorelai.

MICHEL

Oh, my goodness.

EMILY

Is the library ready for us?

LORELAI

Yes, the tables are set, and the tea is brewed, and I've hired some extra poor people for the girls to look down on.

CHARLOTTE

She's the one I told you about -- a regular Imogene Coca.

MICHEL

Oh, my god, I love them. They are like Madame Alexander dolls come to life.

EMILY

All right, ladies, chins up, tummies in, and glide.

EMILY

Now, remember, ladies, the dress you'll be wearing at the cotillion on Saturday will have much fuller skirts. Several of you may be working with a crinoline, so sitting will be an entirely different experience. What is the rule of thumb we can always apply? Tiffany?

TIFFANY

Bottoms out.

EMILY

That's right. Bottoms, sit. Very good.

MICHEL

Such elegance, such a sense of decorum, manners, grAce, charm -- everything my childhood could have been but wasn't. Oh, to go back and do it right.

EMILY

Caroline, we do not grab or grope our dinner partners.

CAROLINE

Sorry, Mrs. Gilmore.

EMILY

Always maintain proper spacing and distance.

LORELAI

[to Michel] Err, it's all coming back to me. Proper spacing and distance. Other kids were hugged and kissed. I was taught to maintain proper spacing and distance.

EMILY

... In which case, the utensil rule still applies. No utensil, once used, may ever touch the table again. Imagine leaving a ring of raspberry preserves on a set of fine linens. Granted, these linens aren't the best. But at the cotillion on Saturday, everything will be of the highest quality. All right, ladies, choose your first sandwich.

MICHEL

Take me.

LORELAI

Oh, Michel!

MICHEL

Take me to the cotillion.

LORELAI

Oh.

MICHEL

I have to be there. I want to go back and do it right.

LORELAI

No, forget it.

MICHEL

I insist. You must take me. You have no choice.

LORELAI

I have no choice? Do you know me? I'm not going to my mother's cotillion.

MICHEL

You owe me.

LORELAI

What? I do not.

MICHEL

Oh, yes, you do. Last November, when you were going out of town and nervous about boarding Paul Anka for the first time, you forced me, against my better judgment, to have Paul Anka over to my home for the day so he could acclimate to other dogs. Well, not only did he traumatize my poor chows, but somehow he managed to get into my closet, the door of which was firmly closed...

LORELAI

I know. I don't know how he does that.

MICHEL

... And proceeded to poop in my Prada loafers.

LORELAI

Well, he knows good quality.

MICHEL

When I returned your foul creature and told you about what happened, you apologized profusely and then wrote an I.O.U. On several little post-its, thinking it was all so clever.

LORELAI

Gosh, I don't remember that.

MICHEL

I thought as much. [he leaves]

EMILY

... On the seat of your chair. Do not leave it carelessly strewn about the table. Caroline? Caroline! [she has stuffed food into her mouth, the othe girls laugh]

MICHEL

[returns to Lorelai and sticks post-it's on her] "I"... "o"... "u"... "one"... "big"... "favor."

LORELAI

Can't prove I wrote that.

MICHEL

[Chuckles and puts one last post-it in her hand] "Lorelai Gilmore."

LORELAI

Ohh! I'll buy you a car.

MICHEL

No.

LORELAI

A house.

MICHEL

Pick me up at 7:00.

LORELAI

Michel!

MICHEL

And wear your hair like you had it the other day.

ZACH

Good nap, babe?

LANE

Yeah, I was really out of it. I'm so tired all the time. It's weird.

ZACH

Huh, must be the heat.

LANE

Yeah, right, I guess that could have something to do with it.

ZACH

Beer?

LANE

No, I don't think I'll be drinking beer for a while.

ZACH

Oh, that's cool. Going a little straightedge.

LANE

But we probably should be drinking more calcium, so maybe I should keep an extra gallon of milk around the house.

ZACH

No problemo.

LANE

And I may start having cravings soon...

ZACH

Oh man you know what I'm craving right now? Pizza bagels. Those are definitely going on the grocery list want some of those?

LANE

Sure.

ZACH

Do you like that, mountain ninja? Do you like the taste of my broadsword?

LANE

Well, I'm off to see Rory.

ZACH

Have fun.

RORY

Yikes.

LANE

Oh, no.

RORY

Whoa!

LANE

That's disgusting.

RORY

Wow.

LANE

No way! No way!

RORY

I can't write this stuff to Logan. I can barely read it to myself. I'm bright red.

LANE

Did you notice no one ever gives details when they tell you about childbirth? It's because the details are gross and scary and unacceptable.

RORY

Like what?

LANE

Well, apparently in about three months, I can look forward to dark spots on my fAce because it's not enough to just get fat.

RORY

It's not fat. It's a baby.

LANE

A baby that will shoot out of my body despite the fact that it's obviously much too large. I didn't think this through when we were dating. I was all into the fact that Zach was big and manly, which means I'm gonna have a big, manly baby, and I'm a small woman.

RORY

I never thought of Zach as big and manly.

LANE

Compared to Henry Lee, remember when my mom wanted me to date Henry Lee? He was like yea high. I would have had tiny, little, yea-high babies.

RORY

Yeah, but he was your second cousin. I think you would have had other problems with those babies.

LANE

What every, I'm not doing it, this baby is just gonna have to find another way out or stay in there forever. I really don't care.

RORY

Don't worry about that part, just keep taking things one step at a time. You're doing great.

LANE

How? How am I doing great?

RORY

You told Zach. That was a very significant step.

LANE

Yeah I told him, but I'm pretty sure he forgot.

RORY

What do you mean he forgot? I don't know how things get lost in the recesses of Zach's brain, but I think he forgot.

RORY

Well maybe he's just taking time to process this. You needed some time.

LANE

I am growing a human being inside my body. I deserve time. [she lies down on the floor] Ugh!

RORY

Okay well, what about this? [reading from her book] "Where is the chair you sit in? "Where is your favorite comb, toothbrush, nail file? Trot them out, that I may devour them at one gulp."

LANE

You want to eat his toothbrush?

RORY

No, I'm trying to convey that I miss him very much.

LANE

Sounds like you just miss his toiletry kit.

RORY

Well it's supposed to be metaphorical and evocative. It's Henry Miller.

LANE

Henry miller has better stuff than that. Believe me that is not why they banned his books.

RORY

Well, I'm not gonna write, "our hands groped frantically for the burning flesh."

LANE

Oh, that's better. That's way hotter than the eating-his-comb thing.

RORY

Really?

LANE

Why not go for it why are you making such a big deal out of this?

RORY

I'm just worried, you know? I mean we talk to each other on the phone every day, but I just don't think that that's enough to keep this relationship going. I guess I never realized how important the other stuff was.

LANE

The sex stuff?

RORY

And the holding-hands and the falling-asleep- next-to-each-other stuff. I mean that's where the intimacy comes from, and without those options, when they're just taken away from you 'cause someone moves to London... [Sighs] Desperate measures. [starts texting Logan]

LANE

Burn that flesh, sister.

RORY

Okay. Here it goes. I think I'm gonna puke.

LANE

Join me. That's all I'll be doing for the next two months. Oh, and did I mention the extra hair that may start to grow on my chin? Can't wait for that magic. [Rory's phone rings] Ooh, wow, quick response. I think you did good.

RORY

It's not him. Hi, dad.

CHRISTOPHER

Hey, kiddo. What are you up to?

RORY

Um, just reading. Reading the books. What are you doing?

CHRISTOPHER

Just drinking the coffee, thinking I haven't seen you in a while.

RORY

I know. I miss you.

CHRISTOPHER

Me too. So, maybe we could have dinner tomorrow night, if you're free.

RORY

Tomorrow night?

CHRISTOPHER

Only if you're free.

RORY

I'm free. Yeah, that sounds like fun.

CHRISTOPHER

Yeah?

RORY

Sure.

CHRISTOPHER

Great. That's great. I'll pick you up about 7:00.

RORY

Cool. I'll see you tomorrow.

CHRISTOPHER

Bye, Rory.

LANE

Maybe I'll look good with a beard.

RORY

[Gasps] Whoa! Can I keep this?

LORELAI

First help me find something to wear tonight. Then you can steal whatever you want, except that -- I'm getting buried in that.

RORY

I don't understand why you're going to this cotillion. Does Michel have compromising photographs of you, that I don't know about, like some snapshots from your perm year?

LORELAI

No, but he does have post-its. Word to the wise, don't ever put anything in writing, 'cause even when it's on florescent sticky paper, it's still binding.

RORY

You are so wise and awesome and generous.

LORELAI

Yeah, you can steal anything you want if you go to the cotillion for me.

RORY

Can't.

LORELAI

Why? You don't have any work. You don't have a boyfriend to play with. You barely have anyone to hang out with at all.

RORY

Keep going you're really making me want to do you a favor here. I can't tonight because I have plans with dad.

LORELAI

Your dad?

RORY

Well I'm not in the habit of calling other people's dads "dad." Yeah, my dad. He called and asked me if I wanted to have dinner with him. Is that a problem?

LORELAI

No, of course not. I just didn't realize you were talking.

RORY

I haven't talked to him at all, which is why I was happy he called, because we were talking all the time before.

LORELAI

Yeah I know.

RORY

I mean, just because you guys aren't talking, it doesn't mean I'm not allowed to talk to him.

LORELAI

We are not not talking. We're just not talking right now.

RORY

Okay.

LORELAI

Listen I think it's great that you're having dinner with your dad.

RORY

Good.

LORELAI

Good [talking about Rory's phone] What is with that thing?

RORY

I sent Logan a text message yesterday, and he still hasn't written me back. Plus, we missed our last two phone calls 'cause he keeps getting dragged into these boring meetings.

LORELAI

If he hasn't sent you anything back, it's probably he just hasn't had time yet.

RORY

Yeah, that's probably it.

LORELAI

Can I wear this to the cotillion? [wearing a very short dress over her other clothes]

RORY

[shaking her head] Mnh-mnh.

ZACH

Something wrong with your dinner, babe? If your bagel's a little frozen, I can microwave that bad boy for you.

LANE

It's not that. I'm just feeling a little queasy.

ZACH

Yeah, I've been feeling queasy, too. I'm telling you, it's got to be the heat. Do you want to go to a movie or something? Cool down with some free A.C.?

LANE

I have a better idea. Why don't we talk?

ZACH

Sure. What do you want to talk about?

LANE

The baby.

ZACH

I'm cool with the whole baby thing.

LANE

You are?

ZACH

Yeah.

LANE

So, you're not worried at all?

ZACH

Nope, no worries on this end.

LANE

I see.

ZACH

I think Brian might be freaking out a little bit, but that's his problem.

LANE

Really? I didn't know Brian was concerned.

ZACH

Well, sure. I mean, he was just getting used to the idea of us getting married, and I don't think he was expecting a baby yet. But it's a lot for the guy to take in.

LANE

Absolutely. You know maybe I should talk to Brian about this because it sounds like he and I are on the same page.

ZACH

What do you mean?

LANE

Well, I'm glad you're fine, with the whole baby thing but I'm kind of freaking out.

ZACH

You are?

LANE

Totally. Zach this is not how I expected our life to go -- be married for like a day and then suddenly having to take on this new responsibility. Bringing a child into this world, it's so...

ZACH

It's major, right?

LANE

It's very major.

ZACH

So, you're not all psyched about being knocked up?

LANE

Are you kidding? This baby sucks!

ZACH

Yeah! This baby totally sucks!

LANE

It does.

ZACH

It so does.

LANE

Do you know what afterbirth is?

ZACH

No. [Lane shows him a picture] Dude.

LANE

I know.

ZACH

You know how the baby is connected to you by that hose and I'm supposed to cut that hose? No way I'm cutting that hose.

LANE

No way I'm letting you in the room when that thing comes out of me.

ZACH

Oh, man, you are so awesome. I love you so much.

LANE

I love you, too.

MICHEL

It's like you don't even care.

LORELAI

I care about you, just not this.

MICHEL

After all the trouble I went through picking out the perfect flower for you.

LORELAI

It's kinda big don't you think, it's like wearing a tree on my arm.

MICHEL

It is an orchid.

LORELAI

It's scratchy.

MICHEL

Could have got me something, a simple boutonniere. But no. I'm so humiliated.

LORELAI

Hey I have an idea, why don't we go back to the flower store, and I'll get you something? It will take two seconds.

MICHEL

Forget it. We're late enough as it is. [Michel gasps as he sees the room] Yes, I can die now.

LORELAI

Me too. Look at that girl. Poor thing. [looking at Caroline]

MICHEL

Oh, why did someone force her to wear those exercise shoes?

LORELAI

She'd probably rather be home, in jeans, climbing a tree.

MICHEL

She looks perfectly happy to me. You know what I see when I look at this room?

LORELAI

A bunch of kids whose outfits cost more than my car?

MICHEL

No, these are not kids. They are perfect, tiny adults. We are standing amongst the next generation of movers and shakers. The future president of the united states may be in this room with us tonight.

LORELAI

You're very odd.

EMILY

Lorelai, you're here.

LORELAI

I am.

MICHEL

Hello, Emily. Oh, Emily, may I just say that what you have created here tonight is nothing short of perfection? This, this is a kind of nirvana on earth.

EMILY

Thank you, Michel. It's very kind of you to say. I'm sorry. What on earth are those musicians playing?

MICHEL

It sounds lovely.

EMILY

Are those violinists on speed? Excuse me.

LORELAI

Hey, I'm gonna get some punch. You want some?

MICHEL

Oh, no, thank you very much. I'm much too excited for punch. My throat closes off when I'm excited, so swallowing punch would be very difficult right now.

LORELAI

[Laughs] Okay.

CHARLOTTE

Lorelai.

LORELAI

Oh, Charlotte, hi.

CHARLOTTE

I'm having the most wonderful time.

LORELAI

Ah.

CHARLOTTE

Grandmother, grandfather, it's my pleasure to introduce you to Lorelai Gilmore. Lorelai, these are my grandparents -- Beverly and Arthur Courtwright.

ARTHUR

Ah, the famous Lorelai.

LORELAI

Famous? I have to catch up on my us weeklies.

ARTHUR

Charlotte told us you were a card.

BEVERLY

She also told us that you were a delightful dining companion, like Noel Coward and Slim Keith rolled into one.

LORELAI

Oh, well, she's delightful, too, like Shirley Temple and mother Teresa and someone with very good table manners rolled into one.

CHARLOTTE

It's starting. The dancing is starting.

ARTHUR

We should get the camera.

BEVERLY

Will you excuse us?

LORELAI

Yeah.

CHARLOTTE

Lorelai, did I tell you? Margot, Caroline, and I are doing a hip-hop dance, and it's gonna be so funny. We rehearsed it in the bathroom. The whole thing ends up with us somersaulting towards the band.

LORELAI

Wow! That's really great.

CHARLOTTE

Are you gonna come dance?

LORELAI

Oh, no. It's just for the kids.

CHARLOTTE

Oh, come on. Everybody is dancing.

TOBY

Pardon me. Would you like to dance, Charlotte?

CHARLOTTE

I would be delighted, Toby.

MICHEL

People seem to be enjoying themselves.

LORELAI

Yeah. They really do, don't they?

MICHEL

Want to dance?

LORELAI

Me? No. Are you serious?

MICHEL

I never joke about dancing.

LORELAI

No, I'll pass.

MICHEL

You cannot pass. This is still my night, and I'd like to dance with you. Besides, charlotte insisted that I get you out on the dance floor, so that it's two against one -- you lose. Now, let's go.

LORELAI

Oh! Well... we're really [they start dancing and Lorelai looks like she is having a good time] uh-oh, uh-oh. Oh! Whoa!

EMILY

I see you're having a terrible time.

LORELAI

The worst.

CHRISTOPHER

So, do you want the rest of this key lime pie or should I take it with me?

RORY

I don't know how you ordered key lime pie when there was chocolate brownie on the menu.

CHRISTOPHER

Because you'd already ordered a chocolate brownie.

RORY

But just the one.

CHRISTOPHER

Maybe we should give it to Paul Anka. After all, the doggie bag was invented with him in mind. Seems only fair he should benefit.

RORY

There is not way he's gonna eat that. [They laugh] I told you.

LORELAI

Hey.

RORY

Hi, mom.

CHRISTOPHER

Hey, we were just splitting up the food. I'm... on my way out.

LORELAI

Oh. Take your time. Is that key lime pie on the floor?

CHRISTOPHER

Is that a corsage on your arm?

LORELAI

Oh, this? Yeah. Subtle, isn't it?

CHRISTOPHER

If by "subtle," you mean "weird and giant," then, yeah, super subtle.

LORELAI

Ha.

RORY

Okay, I think I'm gonna take Paul Anka for his walk. Ah, thanks for dinner, dad.

CHRISTOPHER

Yeah, thanks, kiddo.

RORY

Come on. Go on.

LORELAI

Oh thanks.

CHRISTOPHER

[Chuckles]

LORELAI

Did you guys have fun?

CHRISTOPHER

It was good, really good. First time I ever saw her order a drink.

LORELAI

Strange, right?

CHRISTOPHER

Very strange... Anyway, I should be going.

LORELAI

I'm sorry I didn't call you back.

CHRISTOPHER

It's okay.

LORELAI

I was going to. I just...

CHRISTOPHER

I understand. Don't worry about it.

LORELAI

Do you want some coffee or anything?

CHRISTOPHER

Sure.

LORELAI

Okay. [starts getting the coffee]

CHRISTOPHER

Actually, you know what? I can't.

LORELAI

Oh. Okay.

CHRISTOPHER

I can't just sit here and have coffee with you.

LORELAI

Okay.

CHRISTOPHER

I love you. I know the other night didn't mean for you what it did for me, but I don't regret it and I haven't stopped thinking about it since it happened -- not just because it was great, which it was... but because it was right. It was so right, lore, and you may not see that right now, but I do. And if I have to wait until we're both 80 years old for you to see it, then I'll wait. I'm not going anywhere. This is it for me. You're it for me, and I can't pretend to feel any less than I do. I'm sorry. I-I -- I just can't.

RORY

[Sighs, then dials the phone]

LOGAN

Ace.

RORY

Hey, how's it going?

LOGAN

It's 4:45 in the morning. Are you okay? Did something happen?

RORY

Not really. Um, I just -- I sent you a text the other day.

LOGAN

[Chuckles] Yeah, I know. I texted you back.

RORY

No, you didn't.

LOGAN

Yes, I did. Check your phone.

RORY

I don't have any missed calls. Oh, wait, there's a little envelope thingy in the bottom corner.

LOGAN

Get out of town.

RORY

It went directly to my saved messages. Why would it do that?

LOGAN

I couldn't tell you.

RORY

[reading the message] Ooh, wow. Whoa, yours is really good. Okay, well, sorry to wake you. I'll talk to you in a few hours.

LOGAN

Whoa, wait a minute where do you think you're going?

RORY

Um, to sleep?

LOGAN

No, I don't think so. You woke me up. I'm up. Text me back.

RORY

You want me to text you back now?

LOGAN

You started this.

RORY

I know, but I don't have my books with me.

LOGAN

You don't need your books, Ace.

RORY

Logan...

LOGAN

I miss you, Rory.

RORY

You do?

LOGAN

Yeah.

RORY

I miss you, too. I can't text you with you on the phone.

LOGAN

Okay, so hang up.

RORY

I'm gonna hang up now.

LOGAN

Okay.

RORY

Okay. Bye.

LOGAN

Bye.

LORELAI

Hi, Chris.