T7E4: “‘S Wonderful, ‘S Marvelous”

LORELAI

[Car door closes] Let me bottom-line it for you. Snakes are gross. Snakes are scary and slithery, and do you know where snakes do not belong?

CHRISTOPHER

On a plane?

LORELAI

They do not belong on a plane.

CHRISTOPHER

It's not an ideal situation.

LORELAI

They do not belong anywhere except in cages stuck in safes buried deep, deep underground. I hate snakes!

CHRISTOPHER

So I'm gathering. With their gross, no-legged bodies, and their scaly, scaly skin, and their wiggling, and their hissing.

CHRISTOPHER

Okay Lor I respect your very valid feelings about snakes.

LORELAI

Thank you.

CHRISTOPHER

But I have to say we were fairly warned.

LORELAI

No! No! A movie should not just be its title. "Driving Miss Daisy" didn't all take place in the car, "Dances With Wolves" wasn't one long wolf dance. But this was nothing but snakes, snakes, relentless snakes, snakes on a plane. Snakes, snakes, snakes on a plane!

CHRISTOPHER

This was our fifth bad movie in a row. It's got to be some kind of a record.

LORELAI

We got to face facts - movies have gotten bad.

CHRISTOPHER

Unless it's our fault.

LORELAI

What? No, we didn't make the bad movies.

CHRISTOPHER

No, we made the movies bad. Think about it we are the common factor.

LORELAI

Ohh.

CHRISTOPHER

All the movies -- very different. Different genres -- different languages, even. We saw them in different theaters at different times. What do they all have in common?

LORELAI

They were all seen by us. Wow!

CHRISTOPHER

Huh?

LORELAI

We can never see "Casablanca" together. I mean I'm very sorry. I don't care how much I love it, but I will not be responsible for ruining "Casablanca."

CHRISTOPHER

So...

LORELAI

So... we should divvy up the candy.

CHRISTOPHER

Divvy...

LORELAI

The candy.

CHRISTOPHER

Yeah.

LORELAI

[Inhales, exhales sharply] Got half the milk duds. Sour patch kids -- hmm, a third. Twizzlers -- you got about 5 -- 4 3/4 -- you pick.

CHRISTOPHER

Yeah, I'll take the Twizzlers.

LORELAI

No, I meant besides the Twizzlers.

CHRISTOPHER

I tell you what -- you can have it all.

LORELAI

Such a gentleman.

LORELAI

We should...

CHRISTOPHER

Yeah, I should, uh...

LORELAI

I should...

CHRISTOPHER

Okay.

LORELAI

Yeah.

CHRISTOPHER

Okay.

CHRISTOPHER

Good night, Lor.

LORELAI

Good night, Chris.

LORELAI

Hi.

RORY

Well, well, someone is cutting it pretty close to curfew. Did you guys have a good time?

LORELAI

Yeah, really good. Ooh, is it weird that he didn't come in?

RORY

Weird for me?

LORELAI

Yeah.

RORY

Oh, I saw the guy two days ago. I'm sick of him. [giggles] Is it weird for you?

LORELAI

No. No.

RORY

He could come in if you wanted him to. I could make myself scarce.

LORELAI

Oh, you wouldn't have to make yourself scarce.

RORY

Oh then I could be un-scarce. I could be here in all my plentiful gLory. That's more normal. God I forget what the protocol is when your mom is dating your dad.

LORELAI

Yeah, me too. We'll have to consult Emily Post again.

RORY

Yeah. But I really don't think it would be weird.

LORELAI

It wouldn't?

RORY

No. I mean, if it was, it wouldn't be weird in a bad way. If that’s what you want.

LORELAI

Okay.

RORY

Is that what you want?

LORELAI

I don't know. No. Not now. Maybe... I want it. I don't know. Twizzler?

RORY

Okay.

LORELAI

Okay.

LORELAI

[Sighs] It's good, though. You know? He and I, between us -- it's -- it's going good.

RORY

Well, good.

LORELAI

Yeah.

RORY

When I had lunch with him the other day, he said things were really go.

LORELAI

He did?

RORY

Mm-hmm.

LORELAI

What'd he say?

RORY

Um, nice things.

LORELAI

Oh, yeah?

RORY

Yep.

LORELAI

Like what?

RORY

Nice things.

LORELAI

Did he talk about my sparkling eyes and my glossy, raven hair?

RORY

Look I'm not gonna pass notes between you guys.

LORELAI

What if Emily Post says that's part of the appropriate protocol?

RORY

If you can get it in writing from the ghost of Emily Post, then I will pass as many notes as you want. But, mom...

LORELAI

Yeah?

RORY

I'm really glad things are good between you.

LORELAI

Me too.

RORY

I'm just...

LORELAI

Yeah?

RORY

I just want you to be careful.

LORELAI

Is this the safe-sex talk? Because even if the ghost of Emily Post says it's okay, it is just plain weird.

RORY

No. Mom, I want you to be careful with you, with him. I just don't want to see you get hurt again.

LORELAI

I am. I am being careful.

RORY

Okay. Good.

LORELAI

Oh, my gosh. Am I coming with you to college?

RORY

Excuse me?

LORELAI

You totally want me to come to Yale with you, don't you?

RORY

What? No.

LORELAI

Then why are you packing all of my clothes -- my pink t-shirt?!

RORY

Where'd that come from?

LORELAI

Oh, my goodness. That is so nice of you to think of me in school -- my sweet skirt! I hope you brought a toothbrush 'cause, boy, oh, boy, are we gonna have fun! My cozy sweater...

LUKE

Okay, two eggs over-easy, hash browns cooked well, whole-wheat toast buttered, and with a side of marmalade.

KIRK

[Sighs loudly]

CUSTOMER

Thank you.

LUKE

You're welcome. [To Kirk] All right, what can I get you?

KIRK

[Sighs loudly]

LUKE

Kirk, you're scaring away the customers.

KIRK

[Sighs loudly]

LUKE

I am not gonna ask you what's wrong. Either eat or go.

KIRK

Women troubles, Luke. Haven't slept in days. See the bags under my eyes? See the glazed look? Women.

LUKE

See this glazed look? Don't care.

KIRK

Mom's been incredibly possessive lately, as has Lulu, and it's very tense. I noticed they were beginning to snipe at each other, but I figured it was a friendly competition I could work to my advantage, you know? When you've got two women making you cherry cobbler, you're likely to end up with some pretty good cobbler.

LUKE

Basic capitalism.

KIRK

That's not how they see it. Oh, no. Apparently, it's mom's cobbler or Lulu's cobbler. I've got to choose.

LUKE

Are you gonna order something?

KIRK

I'd love to order something. I'm starving. But what should I get? Lulu would want me to get something hip, like a bagel.

LUKE

Hip?

KIRK

But mom would say a growing boy needs something more substantial, like pancakes.

LUKE

Well, neither of them are here, so what do you want?

KIRK

I don't know! Bagel, pancakes, bagel, pancakes... it's like their voices are blocking out my voice, and I don't know what I think anymore. I'll have a bagel and pancakes, I guess.

LUKE

Yeah, what kind of bagel?

KIRK

Lulu would kill me if I got the onion, you know, 'cause of all the kissing...

LUKE

[Looking discussed]

KIRK

And mom would freak over the poppy seed 'cause she thinks poppies are a gateway drug.

LUKE

What about... [Asian Caesar hands Luke a plate] egg? Egg, it is.

ANNA

Hey.

LUKE

Hey. I didn't expect you till later.

ANNA

I know, but I wanted to go over April's schedule before I brought her by.

LUKE

Okay.

ANNA

Is this a good time?

LUKE

Sure, let's sit.

ANNA

Great. [Sighs] So, this is her schedule. I think I erred on the side of too many details.

LUKE

I like details.

ANNA

These are some of the phone numbers you might need -- pediatrician, dentist, orthodontist -- if her retainer breaks -- optometrist...

LUKE

If her glasses break.

ANNA

So, my mom has her back surgery on Monday, but, apparently, the recovery process is really slow, so I'm gonna be in New Mexico for at least two weeks.

LUKE

It's fine. April can stay with me as long as you need her to.

ANNA

Thanks. I really appreciate this.

LUKE

All right, so what's this packet?

ANNA

Registration forms, some waivers -- April will need to have this when she goes to school tomorrow. And she will tell you she needs to be there at 7:30, but she really doesn't need to be there until 8:00. Anyway, it's all in the notes.

LUKE

Don't worry.

ANNA

I'm not worried. [Chuckling] Okay, maybe a little. It'll be fine?

LUKE

It will be fine. I promise.

LORELAI

Wow! Today's secret ingredient is gourds!

SOOKIE

Aren't they beautiful?

LORELAI

I guess that depends on the beholder's eye.

SOOKIE

Jackson's whole squash crop went crazy this year. We had such a hot summer, and these babies love the sun. You've got to try this soup.

LORELAI

Wait, is that gourd soup?

SOOKIE

It's so good. It's sweet and rich. It's like pie, only it's soup. It's like pie soup!

LORELAI

Na, I don't eat orange food, except for candy corn.

SOOKIE

You eat Cheetos.

LORELAI

I don't eat food that's naturally orange.

SOOKIE

You eat oranges.

LORELAI

Okay I eat food that's naturally orange, but I don't eat gourds.

SOOKIE

Fine.

LORELAI

What else is going on at home?

SOOKIE

Ooh! [Gasps] Martha is so close to walking. She's right on the verge. Why don't you come over tomorrow night for dinner? Maybe you'll see the inaugural steps.

LORELAI

Um, I'd love to, but...

SOOKIE

But you want to wait to see if Christopher calls and asks you out first, and then if he doesn't, you'll come over.

LORELAI

Something like that, yes.

SOOKIE

You two have been seeing quite a bit of each other lately.

LORELAI

Yeah, we're just dating.

SOOKIE

Right, 'cause you can just date the father of your child.

LORELAI

Turns out you can. It's been a fun six weeks. We're taking things slowly and just getting to know each other again.

SOOKIE

Except for the fact that you've known each other for more than 30 years.

LORELAI

[Imitating Sookie] Okay, I get it. Please get off my back, and stop talking like this.

SOOKIE

Okay, it's just that you and Luke haven't been broken up all that long.

LORELAI

I know. I remember. I was there.

SOOKIE

Okay. It's -- you know, after breaking up out of a big relationship it's normal to have a rebound thing. You know, a big, bouncy, rubber ball of a rebound thing. It's... good.

LORELAI

But?

SOOKIE

But a rubber ball is a 28-year-old surfer or a jazz saxophonist who drives a V.W. Bus or a really cute guy that can't even spell his last name. It's not the father of your only child. Christopher is not your rubber ball.

LORELAI

Okay.

SOOKIE

He's a big, heavy bowling ball.

LORELAI

I'm gonna tell him you said that.

SOOKIE

I just want you to be careful.

LORELAI

Okay god, I feel like I should set up traffic cones around me for all the people worrying about my safety. I am being careful, okay? [Cell phone rings]

SOOKIE

That's all I want.

LORELAI

All right.

SOOKIE

Great.

LORELAI

Fine.

SOOKIE

Good.

LORELAI

Good.

SOOKIE

Better.

LORELAI

[Answering the phone] Hi, Chris.

CHRISTOPHER

Lore what's your life looking like tomorrow night? You available?

LORELAI

Well I don’t know, is there some particular reason you're checking my availability?

SOOKIE

[Bangs pot lid] Sorry.

CHRISTOPHER

Well, I have an idea for a really fun date, and if, in fact, you are available, I will put thought into action.

LORELAI

I thought our last date was pretty fun.

CHRISTOPHER

Well, this will be even more fun.

LORELAI

"Snakes on a boat"?!

CHRISTOPHER

[Chuckles] I'll pick you up at 6:00.

LORELAI

Okay, I'll be there at 6:00 to be picked up.

SOOKIE

[Bangs knife] Sorry. These gourd rinds are really thick.

LORELAI

[to Chris] What is the, uh, fun date?

CHRISTOPHER

No hints.

LORELAI

I hate not knowing things.

CHRISTOPHER

I know. I'll see you tomorrow.

LORELAI

Okay. Bye.

SOOKIE

[Singsong voice] Sounds like somebody's got a date.

LORELAI

[Imitating Sookie] Sookie.

SOOKIE

[Normal voice] Sorry. [Deep voice] Sounds like somebody's got a date.

LORELAI

Nice.

LOGAN

[answering service] Hey, this is Logan Huntzberger. Leave a message.

RORY

Hey, it's me. I just got back to Yale. I thought I would try you and see if you're there, but you're not. [Chuckles] I thought you would be, but you're not. Fascinating, my thought process, isn't it? Okay, I'll talk to you later. Bye.

RORY

Hey!

RICHARD

Well, hello, Rory. You sound chipper.

RORY

Oh, hi, grandpa.

RICHARD

You're back at Yale?

RORY

Yep. Back at Yale.

EMILY

[In the back ground] Tell her the good news, Richard!

RICHARD

I'm coming to that.

EMILY

[Yelling] It's very exciting!

RORY

What's exciting?

RICHARD

Well, when I was at my Yale class reunion, I had a chance to meet one of my former classmates, Harold Laken. You know him as the dean of undergraduate education. Harold was also a fellow Whiffenpoof.

EMILY

The news, Richard!

RICHARD

Yes, right well I-it seems there was a sudden vacancy in the economics department, and they need someone to teach a course this semester, and Harold immediately thought of me.

EMILY

Can you believe it? Your grandfather, a professor!

RICHARD

I’m just a visiting lecturer.

EMILY

[Looking at a jacket] Too starchy. Too starchy?

RICHARD

No, I like -- I like --

EMILY

Too starchy.

RICHARD

What I want to know is whether you'd be okay with this. I'm gonna be on the campus at the same time you are, and there's a chance we might run into one another.

RORY

I promise, you will not cramp my style.

RICHARD

Well, that's wonderful, because I have to admit, I'm really quite excited about it.

RORY

That's great, grandpa. Congratulations. Well, why don't we meet up after your first class and grab dinner and celebrate?

RICHARD

Oh, I would love that, but I've already scheduled dinner with Harold.

EMILY

But, Richard, we have dinner with the Sudburys on Thursday. Remember? We're going to the hill house.

RICHARD

Well, I'm sorry, Emily, but I have dinner with the dean, and you can't expect me to include the Sudburys in that. They are insufferable bores.

EMILY

No, of course not. I'll just have to have dinner with the sudburys alone. Oh, the life of a faculty widow!

RICHARD

Did you hear that, Rory? She's already turned on me.

RORY

I heard it, grandpa.

LUKE

[Reading] Razor blades? They've expressly forbidden razor blades?

KIRK

That's sound policy.

LUKE

Are kids at this school showing up with razor blades? I mean listen to this list of stuff they've had to ban. Drug use, bullying, graffiti, theft, spitting, fighting – including but not limited to punching, kicking, gouging, and biting. Seems to me like they're just giving the kids ideas. "Gee, I can't think of any other bad things to do today. Let me look at the manual. Hey, gouging sounds fun!"

MISS PATTY

No one at that school is gouging anyone.

LUKE

Well, sure. Why bother with that when they've got access to guns, Tasers, knives, and Nunchakus?

KIRK

Nunchakus are cool -- and deadly.

CAESAR

That's ridiculous. Nobody's bringing Nunchakus to April's school.

MISS PATTY

Of course not.

CAESAR

They're way too bulky to fit in your sock. Now, mace, on the other hand...

LUKE

Mace! kids are walking around with mace?

MISS PATTY

Oh, honey, calm down. Nothing's gonna happen to April. They just spell out that stuff for their legal protection. Whenever you're taking care of kids, that's a lotta liability. It's the same with my dance school.

LUKE

And nothing bad ever happens?

MISS PATTY

Nothing ever happens. Oh, except for that one time.

LUKE

What one time?

MISS PATTY

Well, I took my senior ballerinas to try out for a performance of "The Nutcracker," and one of the girls pulled a Tonya Harding and knocked the front-runner for Clara out of the competition. Broke her leg in three places.

LUKE

That is not nothing. That is the opposite of nothing.

MISS PATTY

It's totally different. That was a much rougher crowd.

LUKE

Rougher crowd? They're ballerinas.

MISS PATTY

Oh, yeah. I know. Everyone thinks, "ballerinas -- so sweet, so fragile." Trust me, they're dancing on stress fractures and ingrown toenails, and they haven't eaten in weeks.

APRIL

Hey.

ANNA

Sorry we're late. We were half way here and April remembered the avocado pit was still in the kitchen, so we had to go back.

APRIL

We had to make to make a pit stop.

LUKE

[Laughs]

MISS PATTY

Hey, honey.

APRIL

Hi!

LUKE

You remember Miss Patty.

APRIL

Sure!

LUKE

And Kirk.

KIRK

Yo.

LUKE

And Caesar.

CAESAR

Hey April.

ANNA

Look I hate to have to rush, but I actually have to rush.

LUKE

That's fine. You go.

APRIL

Bye, mom.

ANNA

Ooh, I love you, sweetie.

APRIL

Say hi to grandma.

ANNA

I will. I'll call you when I get there. [Too Luke] Take care of her.

LUKE

I will.

ANNA

Okay, then. Bye.

APRIL

So, is there somewhere I can put the pit down?

LUKE

Oh, you know what? Go on upstairs, and I'll bring the bags.

MISS PATTY

Look at that turnout. And the hips of Anna Pavlova. [In Russian accent] You must bring her to my ballet class.

LUKE

Where ballerinas are maiming each other to be in "The Nutcracker"? Fat chance of that.

LUKE

Okay, here we are. You remember the place. All right. Here's your bed, and a here's the desk. I thought you could do your homework on it. A little chair for reading. I know how you like reading. And this is your dresser. Now, if you have a hanging bag for, like, dresses, you can just hang it in my closet, but I don't seem to remember you wearing a lot of dresses.

APRIL

Not big on dresses.

LUKE

All right, what else? Here's your kitchen, my bed, bathroom's back there, and the TV. I had a remote but I lost it, so you're gonna have to change the channel by hand by turning this knob here. And here's the telephone. If you're on it and you hear a beeping sound, that's call-waiting, so you've got to hit the flash button to switch over to the other call.

APRIL

Maybe I should write all this down.

LUKE

Oh, sure! Sure!

APRIL

I was just kidding. I know how call-waiting works.

LUKE

[Chuckling] Of course you do. You probably also know how to open up a refrigerator and turn on a sink. Okay, well, uh, I'll get out of your way, and you let me know if you need anything.

APRIL

Actually, my avocado pit needs light, and it's kind of dark in here.

LUKE

Well, there will be a little more light in the morning.

APRIL

Will there be less brown in the morning?

LUKE

You know, this place is kind of depressing, isn't it?

APRIL

[Laughs] I'd say. Sorry if that hurt your feelings. Mom says bluntness isn't my most attractive quality.

LUKE

Well, maybe we can pick up a few things. I don't know, some pillows, a rug. You know, lamps -- lamps brighten.

APRIL

Hey, we could go to "Targét."

LUKE

Oh, sounds kind of fancy.

APRIL

No. No, that's just how we say "Target."

LUKE

Oh, never been.

APRIL

[Laughs] Wow. Um... I don't think I've ever met a person who hasn't been to target.

LUKE

Well, now you have, so if you say that's the place to go, so that's where we'll go.

APRIL

It's the place to go.

LUKE

Okay, so how about tomorrow, after I close up?

APRIL

Cool.

LUKE

Cool! Alright I'll let you get settled in.

APRIL

Okay.

LUKE

All right.

RORY

Everyone, congratulations. The first issue of the year is officially locked down. [Light cheering] And special kudos to bill for landing the front page with his campus housing exposé, "dormitory or death trap?"

SHEILA

Nice alliteration.

BILL

Slugline's half the battle.

PARIS

Dormitory renovations -- that's quaint. I recently had the opportunity to be a fly on the wall at the Hartford Courant as the editor selected their lead story. It was down to the wire, and I was on the edge of my seat when right at the last second, a local-corruption story broke. It was thrilling. It made this place look like a joke.

RORY

Your point, Paris?

PARIS

Oh, I thought I was clear. Compared to the courant, this place is a joke.

RORY

Okay. Assignments. Bill, you'll go with part two of the campus-housing series.

BILL

Got it.

RORY

We need someone to cover the board of trustees meeting.

JONI

I'm on that.

RORY

Thanks, Joni. And I want to do the traditional freshman class composition article, but I think we need to go deeper than just ethnicities and hometowns. I mean, what is the class of 2010 really about? Maybe take a different look.

PARIS

At the courant, they use Indesign to integrate the words into the photos.

JONI

Like, maybe your boyfriend, Doyle? What is he, a fact-checker?

PARIS

The most requested fact-checker at the paper. He works seven days a week just to keep up with the demand for his fact-checking.

SHEILA

Maybe he's looking to get away from a certain lunatic.

PARIS

Jealous much, Sheila?

SHEILA

Yeah. You got me.

A.K.

So, the art-show piece. I've got a problem.

RORY

Animal, vegetable, or mineral?

A.K.

I kind of had a thing with one of the artists in the show.

RORY

Okay. Animal.

A.K.

I just can't do it.

RORY

That's fine. I can do it. That's it. Class dismissed. So, you want to go to this art-show thing with me tonight?

PARIS

Sorry can’t, Doyle's celebrating his one-month anniversary with the paper. Having drinks with the staff bigwigs over at Duffy's.

RORY

Cool.

PARIS

Yeah. He's pretty loved. Actually, we both are. We're like the Ephron and Bernstein of the group. I think it's going to be quite a fete. Doyle says the editor of the metro section might even show.

RORY

That's cool. Well, I can just go by myself.

PARIS

You know if you're desperate, you could force one of these staffers to go. I used to do that all the time when I was editor. I dragged Bill everywhere. That is, until the time I picked him up to go to the groundbreaking for the new chemistry research building, and he was wearing a cable-knit sweater that had "date" written all over it. As if.

RORY

I'm not desperate.

PARIS

Look don't give me those Rory Gilmore puppy-dog eyes. Even if I am your best friend, I have to look out for my career first, then Doyle's, then you.

RORY

Go to your party, Paris. Be the couple whose divorce was so painful that it was memorialized in both literature and film. I'll be fine.

PARIS

Oh, yeah. Now it's just sad.

LORELAI

Huh! Um... kind of, uh, casual, seemingly routine dating clothes.

CHRISTOPHER

Was that intended as a compliment? 'Cause it didn't come out like one.

LORELAI

No, you look good. But how hard is it to look good when you know where you're going? Not that hard.

CHRISTOPHER

I could get some points.

LORELAI

I, on the other hand, had to come up with an outfit that could easily convert from totally formal to totally casual with just a few moves. Look, here I am, all ready for an elegant, New York night on the town, carriage ride through the park, dinner at Pastis, drinks at the Aalgonquin, but if I change my shoes and throw on a cardigan and add necklace number two, then I am ready for a concert at the new haven green, or I could use my cardigan to cover up the security camera in case the date turns into some sort of heist.

CHRISTOPHER

I'd prefer the sexy shoes to the sandals, but you should be comfortable.

LORELAI

Comfortable? "Comfortable" like we're gonna eat Moroccan and sit on the floor, or "comfortable" like we're gonna go up steps? [starts jumping] Steps? Steps? Steps? Are we going to the met?

CHRISTOPHER

No hints.

LORELAI

So, tell me now. Now! Tell me! [Gasps, as she see a classic old red Mustang convertible] Oh, hello, "bullet." Are you taking me on a car chase through the streets of San Francisco?

CHRISTOPHER

It's cool, right?

LORELAI

It's really cool.

CHRISTOPHER

You like it?

LORELAI

I love it. So is this the thing?

CHRISTOPHER

It's a thing.

LORELAI

But is this the special thing you planned? 'Cause if it is, I want to give it its due. If it's not, I want to have the proper level of enjoyment while still reserving myself for the actual special thing.

CHRISTOPHER

The car is part of the thing. It's not the whole thing.

LORELAI

Alright I don't want to peek too soon.

CHRISTOPHER

Yeah that's never good.

LORELAI

Ooh, You're being a gentleman. Is that the special thing?

CHRISTOPHER

I always open your door.

LORELAI

Bucket seats -- is that the special thing? No? Take a good, long look at my hair now 'cause it's not gonna look like this for the rest of the night. [Chris gets in and starts the car.] Rumbly engine -- is that the special thing?

CHRISTOPHER

Buckle your seatbelt.

LORELAI

Buckling my seatbelt -- is that the special thing?

CHRISTOPHER

Yeah, that's it. You're all buckled up. Date's over.

LORELAI

Oh.

LUKE

Look at this -- 12-pack of socks for $6. 24 socks for 6 bucks. That's only 25 cents a sock.

APRIL

I knew you'd like it.

LUKE

Oh, this looks good.

APRIL

You picked it out.

LUKE

Well, you said tablecloth.

APRIL

That's true.

LUKE

What's the name of that blue again?

APRIL

Uh, cerulean. I'm really into cerulean.

LUKE

Yeah, I can see why.

APRIL

I used to be really into olive. Everything was olive, you know? It was my backpack, my pants, my sneakers. It was all olive. And then one day, I just -- I woke up, and I was like, "olive? I don't like olive. Not to wear, not to eat. Olive -- bleh."

LUKE

[Laughs] Well, you know what? I'm really glad we did it. We had fun, and the place looks great.

APRIL

And, you know, now, anytime you want, you can have a nice dinner on this table.

LUKE

That's true.

APRIL

You could put flowers in this vase and use it like a centerpiece.

LUKE

Uh-huh.

APRIL

You could dim the lights, light these candles.

LUKE

We can do it tonight if you want.

APRIL

Yeah. Or, you know, you could do it when you have a lady over.

LUKE

Oh?

APRIL

It'd be really nice. And she would be totally comfortable in here now.

LUKE

Right. Uh, you know what? Why don't we, uh, set up the desk lamp so you can get at your homework?

APRIL

Actually, they don't give homework on the first day of school. One teacher said he was gonna give us homework. He even wrote it on the board, but the homework was just, "cover your books." How lame is that?

LUKE

Very lame.

APRIL

I know.

LUKE

So I'll set it up so you can get to it tomorrow.

APRIL

Cool. Um, I'm gonna start covering my books. Can I grab some grocery bags?

LUKE

Yeah, go for it. It's under the sink.

LORELAI

You know, you can admit it if you're lost. I will not lose any respect for you.

CHRISTOPHER

I'm not lost. Well, then, are you planning to murder me? Because people will notice I'm gone. They'll look for me. Paul Anka saw me leave with you. He'll bark. He will bark, and he'll sell you down the river. [Barking] Chris! Chris!

LORELAI

Good, finally asking for directions.

CHRISTOPHER

We're here.

LORELAI

Here, where? Are we at Woodstock? I think we're late.

CHRISTOPHER

Shh! Just give it a minute.

LORELAI

[Gasps] Oh, are we meditating? I think you need a word to repeat. I don't have a word.

CHRISTOPHER

Stop talking.

LORELAI

That's two words.

CHRISTOPHER

Shh.

LORELAI

Oh. "Shh." I like it. Shh... [a projector starts up] Ooh! What the -- [Thematic music plays, Lorelai is surprised. "Funny Face" starts playing] I love this movie.

CHRISTOPHER

[Chuckling] Check the glove compartment.

LORELAI

Oh, my god.

CHRISTOPHER

Hold this.

CHRISTOPHER

And... popcorn.

LORELAI

Oh, my god. You're unbelievable!

CHRISTOPHER

I thought it was time we saw a movie we wouldn't complain about.

LORELAI

I...

MOVIE

[woman speaking] Good morning, Mr. Ascot.

RICHARD

[on the phone] mm-hmm. But I have to tell you, Emily, it's a whole new world from the one we remember.

EMILY

But the jacket was still appropriate?

RICHARD

Oh, the jacket was fine. Although I must say, I felt wildly overdressed. Boys in undershirts and filthy baseball caps -- the girls wearing pajamas and flip-flops.

EMILY

Well, it's the style, Richard.

RICHARD

Well, it's most peculiar.

EMILY

And you were firm with them? That's one thing that never changes. Young people respond to discipline. After all, you don't want your course to be known as a "gut." That's an easy class. I learned that term at dinner with the Sudburys, who learned it from their grandson, Paul.

RICHARD

And how are the Sudburys? I hope you gave them my regards.

EMILY

Of course. And they sent you theirs and then proceeded to bore me with the details of every stunning vista they witnessed on their recent cruise to Alaska. If you ask me, they saw more of the baked Alaska than anything else.

RICHARD

[Chuckles] You poor thing. You have a disappointing evening, and I have to give you the bum's rush to make my dinner with Harold at the faculty club.

EMILY

That's all right. You enjoy yourself. I probably won't wait up, so I'll say good night now.

RICHARD

Good night, dear.

EMILY

Oh, for Pete's sake! What now?

POLICE OFFICER

License and registration, please?

EMILY

Why do you need to see my license? I wasn't speeding.

POLICE OFFICER

You were on a cell phone, ma'am.

EMILY

I don't see how that's your concern. Do my bills go to your office?

POLICE OFFICER

It is illegal in Connecticut to talk on a cell phone while operating a vehicle.

EMILY

Well, that is absurd. I can't talk on my own phone in my own car?

POLICE OFFICER

License and registration, ma'am.

EMILY

If I can manage to drink a cup of hot coffee and drive, I can talk on a cell phone. Or is coffee illegal, too? Can I listen to the radio? Can I open the glove compartment? Perhaps you should outlaw scratching your nose. That would certainly cut down on accidents.

POLICE OFFICER

Ma'am, have you been drinking?

EMILY

What? No! This is outrageous. You know, right now, someone is robbing a Kwiki mart, and you're standing there harassing me.

POLICE OFFICER

I'm going to need you to blow into this breathalyzer for me.

EMILY

Young man, I don't know where that's been, but I can say with absolute certainty it won't be going anywhere near my mouth.

RORY

Excuse me. Do you know what the light bulbs are all about?

ELIJAH

Shock in your system.

RORY

Effective.

LUCY

What are you doing?

RORY

Um, me?

LUCY

She's touching your art.

OLIVIA

What are you doing? Are you actually drinking that water?

RORY

Oh, um, I didn't know it was art, I thought it was just a water cooler. There's no sign or anything.

OLIVIA

"Just a water cooler."

LUCY

That's her self-portrait. [Rory looks worried] I'm kidding! It's just a water cooler. [both girls start giggling]

RORY

Oh. Okay.

LUCY

We were messing with you. She is an artist, though.

OLIVIA

I made the horse.

RORY

Oh, I really like that one.

OLIVIA

Well, thanks.

RORY

It looks really big. It looks bigger than the doorway.

OLIVIA

Yeah well, it turns out it is, as I found out like four hours before the show was gonna start. I had to detach the head, then reattach it when I got here. Does it look crooked?

RORY

Um, not to me.

OLIVIA

No, it does.

LUCY

Oh if it does look crooked, which it doesn't, I think it looks better than it did before -- more jaunty.

RORY

What's it made out of?

OLIVIA

Cans mostly. Tinfoil. A couple hubcaps. I do stuff with found objects. I mean if you could call it trash, but that'd be kind of negative.

LUCY

She once made this sculpture of an old lady out of plastic sandwich bags and milk cartons, which was so cool. She's awesome.

OLIVIA

Oh, shut up!

RORY

So you're Olivia Marquont?

OLIVIA

Impressive.

LUCY

What are you, a spy?

RORY

Actually, I'm here for the paper. I'm Rory.

OLIVIA

Oh, the press. So what do you think?

RORY

Honestly, I don't know. I like your piece, and I think I like the robot in the underpants.

OLIVIA

The robot is genius.

LUCY

Olivia thinks everything is genius.

OLIVIA

Only genius stuff.

LUCY

Okay so, you're on the paper? Oh, my god, we used to be totally obsessed with this girl who was on the paper -- Paris Geller.

RORY

Sure.

LUCY

You know Paris?

RORY

I know Paris.

LUCY

Okay, freshman year, we were in this moral-reasoning class with Paris, and she was the most intense person we'd ever met.

RORY

Um, she's pretty much like that all the time. I actually went to high school with Paris.

OLIVIA

Paris Geller is a genius, and I will go to the mat on that one.

LUCY

Okay you've got to let us show you around the rest of the show.

RORY

That's cool.

LUCY

Come on we'll help you with your article, give you the skinny on everyone.

OLIVIA

Did you see the light bulb thing?

RORY

Um, my retinas are still ringing.

LUCY

Our friend Joel did that. He just transferred from M.I.T. Dude's wicked smart. His work is always about technology.

OLIVIA

I think Joel's a genius, but I'll admit, I could be biased by the fact that he's a total fox.

RORY

Is that the guy in the '70s prom tuxedo?

LUCY

No, that's Elijah. He's doing a performance piece. He's been doing it since we were juniors. Who knows if it'll ever end? Okay, you've got to see our friend kasha's piece. It's called "girl without clothes," and it's far out.

MOVIE

"You can't blame me for feeling avarice oh, S'Wonderful S'Marvelous that you should care for me [Music swells and ends]

LORELAI

Ooh, it's so good! It's so chock-full of... words like "chock-full." And even if Audrey Hepburn was 20 and Fred Astaire was, like, 80...

CHRISTOPHER

He's still Fred Astaire.

LORELAI

I mean, he could really tap-dance. That was so nice, Chris. That was so romantic and fun and wonderful.

CHRISTOPHER

S'wonderful?

LORELAI

S'Marvelous.

CHRISTOPHER

I'm glad you liked it.

LORELAI

I did. I really liked it.

CHRISTOPHER

You know, the evening doesn't have to end here. Gigi's staying with my mom. We could go back to my place.

LORELAI

Oh. That's nice.

CHRISTOPHER

N-nice?

LORELAI

No, that's not what I meant. Um...

CHRISTOPHER

We don't have to.

LORELAI

No, I want to.

CHRISTOPHER

You do?

LORELAI

I do, but I don't know if...

CHRISTOPHER

... you want to.

LORELAI

... If I should.

CHRISTOPHER

Ok.

LORELAI

I mean, everything's good, you know? It's going really good.

CHRISTOPHER

It's really good.

LORELAI

Yeah, and I'm feeling good.

CHRISTOPHER

But?

LORELAI

I don't, uh... know if I trust you.

CHRISTOPHER

Really?

LORELAI

Not just you. Me too. I'm not sure if I trust us yet with this.

CHRISTOPHER

Oh.

LORELAI

It's scary.

CHRISTOPHER

I'm scared, too.

LORELAI

I just hoped maybe... we could stay here in this place for a little while longer.

CHRISTOPHER

Well, it's gonna snow eventually.

LORELAI

Right.

CHRISTOPHER

It's fine. We should wait. I can wait.

LORELAI

Are you sure?

CHRISTOPHER

Yeah.

LORELAI

Thank you. All this is perfect.

CHRISTOPHER

[Chuckles] Okay. [Sighs]

LORELAI

[Lorelai’s cell phone rings] Hello? This is she.

CHRISTOPHER

What?

LORELAI

Oh. Yes!

CHRISTOPHER

What is it? Who are you talking to?

LORELAI

Is she okay? What did she... okay. Where are you? Uh-huh. I know where that is. Oh... I'll be right there. Thank you. Okay, bye-bye.

CHRISTOPHER

What?

LORELAI

We have to go. We have to pick up my mother... from jail.

CHRISTOPHER

[Chuckles] Your mother's in jail?

LORELAI

Ooh, this night keeps getting better and better. Let's go.

LUKE

[Sighs] You brush your teeth?

APRIL

They're brushed.

LUKE

So, there's a clear path to the bathroom. Can I get you a night-light?

APRIL

[Chuckling] I'm 13.

LUKE

I'll take that as a "no." I thought you didn't have any homework.

APRIL

I don't. This is more for pleasure.

LUKE

Sure. Sure, a little light reading before bed.

APRIL

I love my biology teacher. She is so smart, and she's really pretty. She has this long, brown hair that she kind of just whooshes up into a clip. She has all these piercings, but it's just on one ear, and she likes to fish.

LUKE

No kidding? A pretty fisher/scientist woman.

APRIL

And I know she's single because last year her name was Mrs. Johnson, and this year it's Ms. Kaplan, so I was thinking, one day, I could conveniently forget my biology book, and you could bring it by for me, and then maybe you could...

LUKE

Have dinner at the candlestick table with Ms. Kaplan?

APRIL

Exactly.

LUKE

[Sits on the end of April’s bed and sighs] Look, April... [Sighs] I guess you know Lorelai and I broke up.

APRIL

Yeah, my mom sort of told me.

LUKE

Okay, well, sometimes that happens, you know? Sometimes it doesn't work out between people, and it's nobody's fault.

APRIL

It's all about pheromones.

LUKE

Right. [Chuckles] But I want you to know I'm okay, and you don't have to take care of me. I'm here to take care of you. Okay?

APRIL

Okay.

LUKE

Good night.

APRIL

Good night. Is it okay if I read a little more before I turn out the light?

LUKE

Real page-turner, huh?

APRIL

Oh, yeah. Mitosis is insane.

LUKE

Knock yourself out.

LORELAI

Oh... got it! Thank you! Am I smiling too much?

CHRISTOPHER

You're smiling a lot.

LORELAI

All right, I'll try to bring it down a notch.

EMILY

Well, it's about time. Oh, good. I get to walk this filthy floor again. I don't need any help walking. Thank you! [an officer hands Emily her stuff, and puts on her shoes] Oh, thank you for giving me things that already belong to me. Well, you can all be very proud of yourselves. You're doing a crack job. You finally got menace-to-society Emily Gilmore off the streets. You'll be hearing from my lawyer. Come on. [pointing to Lorelai’s phone] Put that thing away.

LORELAI

[takes a final photo] One, two, three! Ah! [Laughs] Smile! Cheese! Oh, I got you already. I'll get [Chris drags her away] okay, later. Bye!

LORELAI

Do you mind if I turn on the music, mom?

EMILY

That's fine.

LORELAI

Whatcha in the mood for? "Jailhouse rock"? "Folsom prison blues"?

EMILY

[sarcastically] You're very funny, Lorelai.

LORELAI

No, no, no. I know, I know. "Working on the chain gang."

EMILY

Yes, it's all quite amusing, isn't it? My being arrested, held behind bars, manhandled, and patted down? Hardee-har.

LORELAI

Aw. I just have one question for you, mom. Why on earth did you call me? I mean, thank you very much from the bottom of my heart for that incredible gift. You don't need to get me anything for the next five Christmases. But why did you call me, not dad?

EMILY

It was his first night teaching at Yale. He was having dinner with the dean. I'm not about to call him so he can excuse himself to come bail his wife out of jail. I can't begin to tell you how incompetent our police department is. That officer Peters who pulled me over -- he's going to be receiving a big, fat subpoena, and I'm not stopping there. [just noticing the car she is in] Wait. What is this? What's this car? What's going on here? Are you two on a date?

LORELAI

No way. You are not changing the subject. We're not talking about anything else except you in the clink. Now, come on. Spill. What was it like on the inside, huh? Did you try to tunnel your way out with a spoon? You know. Did they try to make you join a gang? And, mom, now that you're on the outside and they're still on the inside, are they gonna try to use you as some kind of prison mule? I just... so much I need to know! [Sighs]

LUCY

So, after my third callback, he says to me, "a girl can't play Oscar Wilde. I want people to take this production seriously," like he's Peter Brook

OLIVIA

or something and not some goateed sophomore from Arkansas.

LUCY

So I give him my most foppish stare and say, "life is too important to be taken seriously."

RORY

Nice.

LUCY

But on the way out, as I'm making my dramatic exit, I walk right into the glass door.

RORY

No. Ouch!

LUCY

So the next semester, he keeps hounding me about how I'd be perfect for his production of "California suite" because I have such a gift for physical comedy.

RORY

[Chuckles]

LUCY

[looking around] Holy crap! Your boyfriend is rich.

OLIVIA

And he's got some wild stuff. I mean, what's this about? [looking at the knight suit]

LUCY

Well, I must eat. I'm positively famished.

OLIVIA

Nice sound system [starts a CD]

LUCY

Do you have popcorn?

RORY

Um, yeah, there should be some in there.

LUCY

You have a hell of a lot of rice in here, Rory. White rice, brown rice, long-stem rice. You are simply crazy for rice.

RORY

Who doesn't like rice?

LUCY

Look who found an air popper!

OLIVIA

Genius.

LUCY

Now we just need some popcorn. Or something else that could be cooked in here. Rice. Who's up for a late-night snack of air-popped rice?

RORY

[Cell phone rings] Oh, wow, that must be my Logan call. I didn't realize it was so late already.

LUCY

Time flies when you're partying with artist.

RORY

Hey!

LOGAN

Hey.

RORY

Hi.

LOGAN

What's going on? You having a party, Ace? Oh, no, I'm just hanging out with a few friends.

LOGAN

Just friends, huh?

RORY

Yeah.

LOGAN

Anybody I know or..?

RORY

No. Just some girls I met.

OLIVIA

Hi, Logan!

LUCY

Hi, Logan!

LOGAN

Just girls, huh? Your new boyfriend's not over.

RORY

Nope. Just us girls hanging out in our underwear, throwing pillows at each other – you know girl stuff.

LOGAN

Sounds very wholesome and loud.

RORY

Yeah, we're...

LUCY

Hey, Rory!

RORY

[to Logan] Um, hold on just a sec. [to Lucy] Yeah?

LUCY

This says it's popcorn, but it looks so fancy. Can I open it, or are you saving it for a special occasion or something?

RORY

Go ahead. [back to Logan] Hey, uh, sorry. Is it okay if I call you back later?

LOGAN

Sure, no problem. Have fun.

RORY

I will. Love you. Bye.

LUCY

Is that too much popcorn?

RORY

Uh, yeah.

LUCY

I'm really hungry. [continues filling the air popper and spilling it on the counter.]

OLIVIA

Okay. Someone's got some explaining to do. [holding up something that looks like you use to walk on snow.]

LORELAI

I mean they escorted her out in her stocking feet.

CHRISTOPHER

Her shoes in a bag.

LORELAI

Somewhere in my youth or childhood...

CHRISTOPHER

... you must have done something good.

LORELAI

The universe owed me this one.

CHRISTOPHER

I'm glad you had fun.

LORELAI

I did. Didn't you have fun?

CHRISTOPHER

Yeah, I did. It was great.

LORELAI

It was one of the "great" greats. What?

CHRISTOPHER

Nothing. I feel I may have gotten overshadowed a bit. I mean how's my little barn movie supposed to compare with your mom in jail?

LORELAI

Chris, no! It was just the cherry on top, the mint on the pillow of what was already a perfect night. No, I loved our date. It was amazing. I loved the movie. I'll never forget the movie I saw the night I picked my mother up from jail.

CHRISTOPHER

You're never gonna get tired of saying that, are you?

LORELAI

"Picked up my mom from jail"? No, I don't think I ever will. I'm just so glad you were with me tonight. I mean, anybody else who would have seen me laughing as I bailed my mother out of jail would have just thought I was completely deranged.

CHRISTOPHER

Well, I know you're deranged but for completely different reasons.

LORELAI

I mean, you just get it, and you make everything fun, and it's so nice to be with someone who understands you and makes you...

CHRISTOPHER

I'll call you tomorrow.

LORELAI

Gigi's with her grandmother?

CHRISTOPHER

She is.

LORELAI

You want to come in?

CHRISTOPHER

Yeah?

LORELAI

Yeah.