T6E3: “The UnGraduate”

LORELAI

(to PA) Hi! Lets get us a little breakfast. Come on. Come, Paul Anka.

LORELAI

(to workers) Breakfast! Get it while it's room temperature and nutrient-free!

LORELAI

Milk, cream, and sugar's on the table. Flo's got coffee. Who needs a jolt?

WORKER1

I do.

LORELAI

OK. (pours him coffee) Inspect the bagels closely, because the expiration date was in Braille, apparently, and either they're new or from my baby shower. I'm also sorry to report that we are currently out of the brown sugar cinnamon pop-tarts..(hold up the pop-tart bag)

WORKERS

(disappointed) Ohh!

LORELAI

Huh! Don't "ohh!" me. You guys've been playing favourites all week and now it's time to pay the piper. So someone be a man, suck it up and start eating the shredded wheat. (puts the new box of pop tarts on the table)

WORKERS

(they groan) Ah... come on...

LORELAI

Cowards. (a worker extends his watch hand to pet PA who's still sitting on the chair, Lorelai stops him) Oh, hey, ooh! Remember, people, only pet the dog with your non-watch hand. In case you don't remember: Watches cause him to freak out, jump up on the counter, and kick my once-working toaster across the room.

LUKE

(entering the kitchen holding a big box from Luke's) Your muffins.

LORELAI

My... what?

LUKE

You left me an urgent message about needing muffins.

LORELAI

Oh, Right! (to workers) Muffins, boys!

LUKE

These were for them?

LORELAI

Oh, no. They were for me. I thought I'd try to eat my weight in muffins today.

LUKE

Does the dog have to sit in the chair like that?

LORELAI

Like what? His posture's perfect.

LUKE

Chairs are for people.

LORELAI

Not that chair. That's Paul Anka's chair.

LUKE

Dogs are filthy. They have fleas and malaria on them. You shouldn't have fleas and malaria in the room that you're gonna eat in.

LORELAI

I don't eat in here, (pointing to the workers) they do.

LUKE

(to workers) Enjoying your free breakfast there, fellas? Nice free coffee there, Craig. Nice free muffin there, Benny.

LORELAI

Gee, Luke. I don't think they know what you're getting at.

LUKE

OK. That?s good. You done here? Cause Tom wants to talk to us.

TJ

All right, Norman. I'm gonna need you to find me some cripple studs for that bearing wall we're putting in. Cause once that sucker's vertical, we got to be ready to nail in those joists.

TOM

Just keep doing what you're doing there, and then bring those tools up to Chick.

TJ

So, Steve, later today we're gonna need to dig a footing drain all around the perimeter about 5 feet deep. That ought to keep the basement dry. Hey Jim... (walks away)

STEVE

(to Tom) This house doesn't have a basement.

TOM

No, it certainly does not.(Tom approaches Luke and Lorelai who are standing on the porch)

LUKE

OK! This is ridiculous. How long are you gonna let TJ think that he's the contractor?

LORELAI

To the very end, my friend.

LUKE

This is stupid. We have to tell him the truth.

LORELAI

No, look how happy he is strutting around in his tool belt and shiny silver helmet. You know he polishes that thing every night after work?

LUKE

Really?

LORELAI

Yes, really! With real silver polish. That's what he thinks silver polish is for: to polish anything that's silver. I think that's adorable.

TOM

And the good news is, he's got terrible instincts. But he combines that with absolutely zero follow-through, so it all works out in the end.

LORELAI

(to Luke) Huh? Terrible instincts, zero follow-through... all the qualities you want in a good pretend contractor.

LUKE

But we're paying TJ a contractor's salary to do a job that he's not actually doing. And you're paying Tom an extra 10% to pretend he's not doing a job that TJ thinks he's doing but Tom is actually doing. You should hire Blake Edwards as your contractor.

TOM

Oh, no! TJ'S playing with the circular saw. (runs towards TJ)

LUKE

(mumbling) Oh, man...

LORELAI

What!... Tom will get to him before he even finds the "on" switch.

LUKE

We're going to tell him.

LORELAI

Luke, he is your brother-in-law.

LUKE

Just because Liz married him.

LORELAI

Yeah, but this makes him happy. Which makes Liz happy, which will make you happy, which will make me happy.

LUKE

Well, just so you know, I'm gonna oversee this entire thing. OK? I'm gonna make sure TJ doesn't blow the house up.

LORELAI

And I appreciate that. Now will you please go make the guys an extra pot of coffee? I'm gonna go to Babette's and take a shower.

LUKE

Why? Your shower's working.

LORELAI

oh..well..yeah... we just had a little incident in here yesterday.

LUKE

What kind of an incident?

LORELAI

Nothing big. Some of the guys saw me naked.

LUKE

What?

LORELAI

It's no big thing.

LUKE

How in hell did a couple of guys see you naked?

LORELAI

Well I was getting out of the shower, and Joe...

LUKE

Joe? Joe saw you naked?

LORELAI

And Pete.

LUKE

Pete!

LORELAI

Well Pete was with Joe, and then Slim...

LUKE

Slim saw you naked?!!

LORELAI

Well I could see him, so I assume he could see me. Billy had the best view, just a straight shot right down main street.

LUKE

So four guys saw you naked?

LORELAI

Well if you don't count Teddy, then yes!

LUKE

What in the hell were those guys doing up there in the first place?

LORELAI

TJ accidentally sent them up.

LUKE

I'm gonna kill him.

LORELAI

Luke, it was no big deal. Please! We all laughed about it. Look, from now on, I'm showering at Babette's, so show's over. No one sees the goods but you. OK?

RORY

They're good.

EMILY

They're stale. And the blueberries aren't even blue. They're red. My God! These blueberries are red!

RORY

They're raspberries.

EMILY

Well the box said they were blueberry. It was printed right on the side.

RORY

Actually, I was in the kitchen, and the box said...

EMILY

(cuts Rory off) She just kills me, that woman.

RORY

It really wasn't as provocative as you think, Grandma.

EMILY

(picks up a piece of paper and starts reading from it) "On my last visit to the office, I noticed the foliage on the right side of the entrance looked a little peaked. We might want to let the gardener know. Ta, ladies."

RORY

Again. It's not exactly Martin Luther nailing the 95 theses to a door.

EMILY

It's implying that I have no control over my hirelings at the DAR. I'm the president. The foliage on the right side of the door, which looks fine, by the way, is my responsibility. This is a direct frontal assault on my leadership. The woman's plotting a coup.

RORY

This is Constance, right?

EMILY

Constance Betterton. Ever since the Mastersons' Christmas party, when I mentioned that Constance's husband sells used cars for a living, which he does - he calls them "pre-owned", but they are used - she's had it in for me. She's gonna run against me in the next election. You don't try to oust a president of the DAR, after one term. It's an insult!

RORY

I think you will beat her handily.

EMILY

Did I tell you she tried to push me down the stairs once?

RORY

Look, Grandma. Don't worry. You have someone on the inside now.

RORY

I do? Who?

RORY

Me.

EMILY

Oh. Yes!

RORY

I'll keep an eye on Constance, from now on. Let you know when she comes in, when she uses the computer, when she's inspecting the landscaping...

EMILY

Well, that's wonderful! But stay out of the stairwell.

RORY

Will do.

EMILY

(starts eating her breakfast) Mmm! Raspberry. I like raspberry!

COMMUNITY WORKER1

Twist ties?

RORY

Twist ties over there. Is that bag half full or half empty, Jules? Oh, you're making me an optimist, my friend.

LIZA

(walks up to Rory) Rory?

RORY

Liza?

LIZA

(needy) Rory?

RORY

No! We agreed. Not until the end of your shift.

LIZA

But, I don't think the patch works on me. (she lifts her shirt a bit to reveal her stomach, and we see she's wearing several nicotine patches)

RORY

That is like a billion milligrams of nicotine.

LIZA

Is that bad?

RORY

Just, go sit by the cooler, have some water, and take those off. (Liza walks away)

ROAD SUPERVISOR

(approaches Rory) Problem?

RORY

No. I just told her to get water. She seems really dehydrated.

ROAD SUPERVISOR

Looks pretty good.

RORY

Yeah! I think we've hit a really good rhythm here. I've paired up Rinaldi and Spiro, which worked out very efficiently. Sanderson got a little grumpy toward the end of the day, but it's 'cause he wants to be noticed, and he is by far our best spearman. Also we need to remember to pack a couple of extra trash spears tomorrow. The McFarland brothers are using the trash pickup to get out some of that pent-up aggression, which is psychologically healthy but hard on the equipment.

ROAD SUPERVISOR

Got it. So, what's it looking like?

RORY

Well, our quota's up. The kids are tired. I think it's time to call it a day.

ROAD SUPERVISOR

Do it!

RORY

All right, everybody. Let's bring it in! (the community workers start gathering their stuff)

LIZA

Hey! A bunch of the girls are going out for pizza, if you want to come.

COMMUNITY WORKER2

I'll come.

LIZA

Are you a girl?

COMMUNITY WORKER2

No.

RORY

I would, but I can't. I've got a 3-hour shift at the nursing home.

LIZA

I can't believe how much community service they stuck you with. What the hell'd you do?

RORY

I shot a man in Reno. (Liza starts laughing and after bit it turns into coughing) Give it! (Liza gives Rory a pack of cigarettes, and the girls start to walk off, while Liza is still coughing)

PARIS

The truth is, this is the first time in my life that I've consistently spent the night with a man.

LORELAI

Uh huh...

PARIS

I don't know the rules. Obviously, the clothes have to come off for the actual sex part of the evening, but, afterward, what are you supposed to do? I mean nightgowns are obviously out, but wearing nothing seems extreme. And, in case of fire, completely impractical.

LORELAI

I'm sure.

PARIS

I wore a camisole one night. It almost strangled me. And I'm definitely not a teddy girl, so what does that leave?

LORELAI

Um... t-shirts.

PARIS

But what does a t-shirt say about me?

LORELAI

Well...

PARIS

More importantly: what does it say to Doyle about me?

LORELAI

Sweetie, it's just a t-shirt. They don't tend to be that chatty.

PARIS

I don't know. Maybe I should reconsider the "completely naked" option. After all, I'm 21. If not now, when? I mean, right now, my ass is probably as good as it's ever going to get. I should exploit that, right?

LORELAI

Absolutely! Buy a video camera and go to town.

PARIS

You know what? I'm starting to fade here.

LORELAI

Oh, me too. Listen, it's been a terrific lunch...

PARIS

I think I'll get another espresso.

LORELAI

Actually, we're out of espresso.

PARIS

You are?

LORELAI

Yes! Uh... We shut the machine down at three o'clock to give it a rest. 'Cause it's Italian, so it's a little temperamental.

PARIS

Oh. Okay. Well, then, I guess I should...

LORELAI

(cuts Paris off)... Go? Really? Okay. Well, hmm. (she gets up and Paris follows her lead, then Lorelai starts kinda pushing Paris towards the Inn's main entrance) Sweetie, it's been a blast, again.

PARIS

OK. So, I guess I'll see you Tuesday.

LORELAI

Yeah, Tuesday. Perfect. Can't wait. Mmmmmkay. (Paris exits the Inn and Lorelai walks away)

MICHEL

Is she gone?

LORELAI

Yes, she's gone.

MICHEL

Thank God!

LORELAI

I can't believe you're in here hiding from a little girl. (walks over to the coffee pot and starts pouring some in a cup)

MICHEL

Oh, yes, you can.

LORELAI

She has a tough exterior, but on the inside Paris is...

MICHEL

Tokyo Rose!

LORELAI

She's lonely. She does not have a lot of friends.

SOOKIE

No! Shocker!

LORELAI

Sookieeee...

SOOKIE

No! No "Sookie". She's horrible. I mean, she sends everything back twice, and she makes the waiters write down exactly what she wants me to know is wrong with the food.

MICHEL

At least you're hidden in here. I'm out there, behind a desk, exposed to all of her elements.

LORELAI

Michel!

MICHEL

She mocked my accent. She called me "Canadian".

SOOKIE

It's enough already. I won't cook for her anymore.

MICHEL

(distasteful) Lunches.

SOOKIE

Twice a week for three weeks?

MICHEL

They are creepy. The next thing you know, you'll be carrying Emmanuel Lewis around on your shoulders.

SOOKIE

We don't have time for this, Lorelai. We have a wedding this week. I've got a menu to plan and a cake to design. I don't have time to map out the fish patterns for my wild salmon.

LORELAI

OK, OK! I'm sorry if she's bothering you guys. I... What can I do? I gave her my cell phone number. I told her to call, I just didn't think she'd use it sooo often.

SOOKIE

Well, cut it off.

LORELAI

I feel sorry for her.

MICHEL

No one likes to be pitied.

LORELAI

Fine. I have to cut it off. I know. I will.

MICHEL

Do you promise?

LORELAI

I promise.

SOOKIE

Good! Because I've got a lot of work to do. And we've got a ton of planning to do for this wedding next week, and the menu's a mess, and the cake... (gasps) I was thinking about doing a red velvet cake, but I don't know. And I'm using this wedding as a trial run, so it has to be perfect.

LORELAI

A trial run for what?

SOOKIE

For your wedding.

LORELAI

oh.

SOOKIE

Yeah... Which will be when?

LORELAI

What?

SOOKIE

When?

LORELAI

When what?

SOOKIE

When will you be getting married? I'm gonna need a date.

LORELAI

we... We haven't set one yet.

SOOKIE

well... I had Michel black out all of July for next year.

LORELAI

You what!

SOOKIE

I figured you and Luke for an outdoorsy summer wedding.

LORELAI

Who and Luke?

SOOKIE

July 23rd is my pick, but I am flexible.

LORELAI

Michel, unblack it out.

MICHEL

I told you.

LORELAI

"I told you" what?

MICHEL

I told her that you were not getting married.

LORELAI

I am getting married.

SOOKIE

(disappointed and a bit shocked) You were right. You called it.

MICHEL

The woman can't commit to a purse, much less a man.

LORELAI

I am getting married.

SOOKIE

I am so naive. I believed.

MICHEL

Live and learn.

LORELAI

Hey! I am getting married. I am. We will set a date. And we will get married on that date. And I've had the same purse for almost a year, thank you very much.

MICHEL

Of course. My mistake. Now let me go cancel your wedding plans. (exits)

LORELAI

(calls after Michel) Those are not my wedding plans. They are Sookie's wedding plans.

SOOKIE

Well! Fine, then! What are your wedding plans?

LORELAI

They haven't been formalized, yet.

SOOKIE

What does that mean?

LORELAI

Sookie, come on! I got men running around my house, a completely destroyed bedroom. Things are crazy right now. When they calm down, and Luke and I get a chance to breathe, we will talk and set the date. Until then, can we drop it, please?

SOOKIE

Fine. It's dropped.

MICHEL

(runs in the kitchen) She's back! She's coming back!

SOOKIE

No!

LORELAI

Why?!

MICHEL

I don't know why. Maybe she left her phone or her spell book. All I knw is she's heading back toward the Inn, and I'm not going out until she leaves.

LORELAI

Michel, you're being ridiculous. You're a grown man and you have a job to do.

MICHEL

So do you. And I don't see you rushing out.

LORELAI

Well, I can't, 'cause I'm not done with my coffee yet. (holds up her cup) Mmm! Good to the last drop.

RORY

Daughters Of The American Revolution. Mrs. Tarkington, yes. I've got your application right here. Sandra Tarkington. Um... I guess we just need to make 100% sure that you're related to a verifiable patriot, because we couldn't substantiate it on our end. Well, see, that's the thing. The fact that you found a musket in your great-uncle's attic doesn't necessarily mean you're related to a revolutionary war patriot. Yeah. (Emily comes in the office) Unfortunately. Even if your great-uncle Nate swore on your aunt Kissy's grave that it was so. It's documented genealogy, preferably notarised. Could you hold on for a moment? (Puts the call on hold. To Emily) Psst. Where's Julia?

EMILY

Slinked to the back after I tore down Constance's letter.

RORY

Good, 'cause I've got some gossip.

EMILY

(sits on a chair. Excited and in a co spiriting manor) My own little Valerie Plame. What's the news?

RORY

OK. So, I was at lunch with some of the girls, and I started sniffing around. Just casually asking if anyone had any funny stories about Constance.

EMILY

You sly fox!

RORY

So, one of the girls tells me that about three months ago, she was in the office with Constance, and as Constance was heading out for lunch, she stumbled and dropped her purse, and her altoids box popped open, spilling out enough funny-looking pills to fill a pharmacy. Constance claimed that they were all vitamins. Julia didn't buy it. Because he minute the pills spilled out, Constance threw herself on top of them to cover them up.

EMILY

A cover-up! That's good! That's what took Nixon down. Oh, this is so exciting! I love having a mole. We should go buy you a trench coat and fedora.

RORY

I suggested to the girls that next week we invite Constance to lunch. Get a couple drinks in her and see what comes up.

EMILY

Who knew that behind such a sweet face lurked the soul of a spy?

RORY

I prefer the term "woman of mystery and intrigue". (cell phone rings) Excuse me. (answers the phone) Hello?

PARIS

(on the phone) Rory?

RORY

Oh, hey, Paris. (Emily gets up)

PARIS

(on the phone) Hey. We need to talk. Is this a bad time? (Emily excuses herself)

RORY

(whispering to Emily) Okay. (to Paris on the phone) No, no, now's a fine time. What's up?

PARIS

(at the Yale coffee stand. Scene cuts between Paris at Yale, and Rory at the office) Good. This hard-to-reach thing was getting old.

RORY

I'm all yours, Paris.

PARIS

I have to put down a security deposit today, by five o'clock, or we lose the place.

RORY

What place?

PARIS

Our place.

RORY

Our place where?

PARIS

Our off-campus place. You're hard to reach in a myriad of ways.

RORY

Paris, we don't have a place. I'm not moving off campus with you.

PARIS

Why?

RORY

Because I no longer go to campus.

PARIS

So you're sticking with this "not going to Yale" thing of yours?

RORY

Yes, I am.

PARIS

Is this about the boat?

RORY

How do you know about the boat?

PARIS

Oh, come on. It's out there.

RORY

Out there? Why is it out there? How is it out there?

PARIS

I read about it on Rebecca Thurston's blog.

RORY

You're kidding.

PARIS

Dead serious.

RORY

I thought Rebecca Thurston's blog was just about all the guys she has sex with and how much she hates her mother.

PARIS

That's true. But the boat you guys stole belongs to Dr. Daniel Zimmerman, whose son is Jason Zimmerman, who Rebecca Thurston had sex with on her father's boat last semester.

RORY

I can't believe I'm in the blogosphere.

PARIS

Hey, see for yourself. Just Google "Rory Gilmore sex boat".

RORY

Oh, my god.

PARIS

Is it true you and Logan tried to outrace the Connecticut coast guard?

RORY

Rent the apartment, Paris. I'm not coming back to Yale.

PARIS

You know, you've put me in a very difficult position. Now what if I end up renting the room to a rapist or serial killer?

RORY

I told you over two months ago that I was not coming back. And besides, i think Yale is pretty good about screening for rapists and serial killers.

PARIS

There was no sense of finality in our last conversation.

RORY

There was a total sense of finality.

PARIS

Well, you can believe that if you want to, but if I end up on the front page of the Hartford Courier btk'd to death, you'll know why.

RORY

Goodbye, Paris. (hangs up and sits on her desk. She sighs in frustration)

LORELAI

(OS)

OK guys, let me just get in character here. (the men laugh)

LUKE

(while coming in the house) Hello?

LORELAI

(in a fake male voice) I will find you, no matter how long, no matter how far! I will find you!

LUKE

What the hell's going on here?

LORELAI

Hey, Luke. I'm just doing my Daniel Day Lewis retrospective for the guys.

NORMAN

You should see her rendition of "My Left Foot"

LUKE

Yeah. I've seen it. Thanks.

LORELAI

No, no! This time, I did it with my right foot. Totally different. Here, I'll show you. (to a worker) Pete hand me the paintbrush.

LUKE

That's okay. I'm good. Uh, you know, there's a bunch of open paint cans sitting out on the porch.

LORELAI

Yeah... They'll get to it. We didn't want the pizza to get cold. Hey! Check out this new trick we just taught Paul Anka. Hey, Paul Anka, pizza! (PA barks) Pizza, pizza! (PA barks twice) Salad. (PA doesn't bark. Lorelai and the men laugh. Luke doesn't look impressed) Good boy. Good boy. Oh, shoot, I'm out of treats. Be right back. (she starts walking to the kitchen. Luke follows her)

LUKE

You know those guys are here to work. You don't have to put a USO show on for them.

LORELAI

I know. I just want them to have a good time.

LUKE

Half of them have seen you naked. How much better a time can they have?

LORELAI

He's jealous of my popularity, Tom.(gets her purse)

TOM

Sure. I get that.

LUKE

Tom, do other clients feed their construction crews breakfast and lunch and buy them pizza and beer?

TOM

Nope.

LUKE

See.

TOM

Of course, the naked thing's been done to death.

LORELAI

All right, Tom. We're outie. Anything we need to discuss before we go?

TOM

Nope. We talked about everything but the kitchen.

LORELAI

What about the kitchen?

TOM

Well, do we want to make it bigger?

LORELAI

Why would we want to make it bigger?

TOM

Well, you might want a nice double oven or a sub-zero freezer. (Lorelai looks unmoved) There's room enough for an island and a cooking station with some stools around it for entertaining.(Lorelai looks a bit scared) You know, for dinner parties. Or maybe you want to cook a big holiday dinner. Thanksgiving or Christmas.

LORELAI

(to Luke) The strange man is scaring me.

LUKE

I think the kitchen's fine, Tom. (door opens)

TJ

(coming in the house) Okay. Everybody can relax because your trusty contractor has returned. Boy, what a trip. Traffic was terrible. It took me an entire day. Here you go, Tom. (produces a hammer from a paper bag he's holding) The mystic hammer.

TOM

Thank you, TJ.

TJ

I gotta tell ya. I don't see what's so special about it. It looks an awful lot like every other hammer we got lying around here.(hands the hammer over to Tom)

TOM

(takes the hammer) Well, that's the beauty of the mystic hammer, TJ. It looks the same, but it's completely different.

LUKE

Tom, make sure those cans are cleaned up out there, OK?

LORELAI

Oh, my god with the paint cans already.

LUKE

I almost tripped over the cans.

TOM

Don't worry, Luke. I'll take care of it.

TJ

(as he's inspecting the room, he first notices the door to Rory's room) Hey! (knocks on the door) Did you guys know there was a room back here? (opens the door) Oh, yeah, look at this, a whole room! What a find, huh?

LUKE

(closes the door quickly. Lorelai looks uncomfortable) TJ!

TJ

Boy, if you knocked out this wall here, opened up this room, you would have a huge kitchen.

LUKE

Yeah, we don't want a huge kitchen, TJ.

TJ

Oh, then you could turn it into a weight room, or a workshop... Or, hey, a pork-smoker room. My uncle had a pork-smoker room. Big sides of pork hanging all over the place. We called it the dead-pig room.

LUKE

TJ, why don't you go out there and tell the guys they can go home.

TJ

It's not that big a job. I could have it up and running for you in a week. (Luke looks over at Lorelai a bit concerned, Lorelai is still uncomfortable and upset) All I got to do is drive over to Boston for one of those special sledgehammers Tom was telling me about, get a pig, and in about 10 minutes I...

LORELAI

(clearly upset) Just leave the room alone, OK! Just... it's fine. Leave it alone. (to Luke) Let's go. (Lorelai and Luke exit from the kitchen door)

TJ

(to Tom) Is she Jewish or something?

ZACH

Whoo!

GIL

YEAH!

ZACH

Massachusetts, we love you!

GIL

We love you, man!

ZACH

We'd like to give some shout-outs before we go. First and foremost, to Pastor Tim. (indicates Pastor Tim who's standing at the side of the hall. Pastor Tim gestures in what he would consider a cool way)

GIL

Yeah! Pastor Tim! (Gil plays an honorary riff)

ZACH

Thanks for letting us rock the gym here at Whitfield Seventh Day Adventist Church.

GIL

Got into some very heavy talk with the Pastor about my soul and Ecclesiastes, and stuff, after sound check. And I got to say, if Christ comes back in fulfilment of prophecy, he's gonna be hooking up with you first, dude, 'cause you are awesome.(the crowd cheers and applauds. Pastor Tim looks a bit embarrassed but pleased)

ZACH

We would like to also thank the decoration committee, for making the AV Room look so cool. (as Lane gets up from her stool and comes to the front of the stage the crowd cheers and applauds)

GIL

Yeah! I've played the Whiskey before, man, and it's got a similar vibe. It does!

ZACH

But most important, we'd like to thank all of you for coming out to see us, letting us into your homes, and making us feel so welcome.(the crows cheers again) We got to go!

GIL

We are going home, people!

ZACH

There are some t-shirts and stuff for sale on the table over there. We are zach, Gil, Brian, and Lane, and we are Hep Alien, and we are out of here! (they give the audience a bow, and they get one last cheer and a round of applause. The crowd starts scattering as Zach turns to Lane) We were so on, man.

LANE

We were beyond on. We were... ohh!(gives Zach a kiss)

ZACH

Cool.

GIL

Watch it, Lane. The Pastor's still hanging.

BRIAN

We were as tight as the Foo Fighters.

GIL

Tighter. Listen, if that pretentious little snot in Coldplay can walk around comparing himself to Bono, we can compare ourselves to the Foo Fighters.

LANE

I'm exhausted but exhilarated, you know. I'm not gonna sleep for months.

ZACH

(excited) Oh, cool! There's people buying t-shirts. We can get some food tonight.

GIL

Just leave money for gas.

LANE

We'll have money for gas, guys. Don't worry. Let's just drink this in. The last night of our first tour.

BRIAN

I can't believe it's over.

ZACH

I can't believe we survived. (Pastor Tim approaches the stage and calls Gil. he whispers something in his ear)

GIL

You got it, Pastor Tim. (to the rest of the band) We got to break it down, guys. They want to start setting up for bible study, tomorrow, and they need the stage for their big crucifix.(the band starts gathering their stuff. Lane looks very happy)

SOOKIE

Okay, here we go. (excited) Aah! (reaveals a very nice chocolate wedding cake)

LORELAI

Oooh! What is that? And where can I get one?

SOOKIE

That is my dark chocolate s'mores wedding cake.

LORELAI

You've been reading my diary.

SOOKIE

I got the idea in a dream. I was back in cooking school and late for my final, and I run over to an oven, and I open it, and sitting there is the s'mores wedding cake. And I present it to my teacher, he starts weeping, and the whole class is applauding and cheering.

LORELAI

That's so nice.

SOOKIE

Yeah! And then of course Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise come leaping out of the cake, screaming about how amazing it is. So that made the whole thing a little creepy, but up until then...

LORELAI

Look, you've got a marshmallow bride and groom on the top!

SOOKIE

You think they'll like it?

LORELAI

I do.

SOOKIE

You think you'll like it?

LORELAI

Look, captain Ahab...

SOOKIE

Come on, set the date.

LORELAI

I will!

SOOKIE

Is there something you're not telling me? Because agreeing to marry somebody is just as big a commitment as actually marrying them. So don't think it's not.

LORELAI

I am committed. And you should be. So...

SOOKIE

This isn't a joking matter, missy. I want your wedding to be perfect, or I want nothing to do with it.

LORELAI

(mock disappointment) Oh, really? Wow. That might be a problem. Cause I was really hoping for one of those disastrous weddings where we lose both rings minutes before the ceremony and I get a nosebleed as I'm walking down the aisle. And then, later, at the reception, Luke is found in the coat-check room Jude Law-ing it with one of the bridesmaids.

MICHEL

(walks in the kitchen) Hey. I just received a call that the wedding party will not be getting in until midnight, and someone will need to be here to greet them. I would do it, but I don't want to.

LORELAI

All right, I'll do it.

MICHEL

Very well. I'll leave the... wait. Do you feel that?

LORELAI

Feel what?

MICHEL

An icy chill as if something sinister is approaching.

SOOKIE

What?

MICHEL

(hums the witch's theme from "The Wizard Of Oz") Ta-ta-ra-ta-ra-ra-Taraaaaaa

LORELAI

Gee, Michel, is Paris here?

MICHEL

Maybe she was coming up the walk when I fled. (starts walking away)

LORELAI

Where are you going?

MICHEL

In the opposite direction.(exits trough the kitchen door)

SOOKIE

Paris? Paris is here? (at Michel who has already left) Oh! I get the humming now!(chuckles. Puts on a serious face and turns to Lorelai) What is she doing here?

LORELAI

We're having lunch.

SOOKIE

Really? Ordering pizza are ya?

LORELAI

No, Sookie. I'm breaking up with her today, all right? I'm ending it, like I promised, so back off.

SOOKIE

Grilled chicken and fries. That is all I'm making.(walks over to the fridge)

LORELAI

Thank you. (the kitchen staff walk in quickly telling each other to hurry up and move along in hushed voices) Apparently, the eagle has landed.(exits)

LORELAI

Paris, hi. Good to see you. You look good. Something different? (they hug)

PARIS

I accidentally sprayed gasoline on myself at the service station.

LORELAI

Well that must be it. Come on, let's sit. (they sit at a table)

PARIS

Sorry I'm late, I was interviewing roommates. And all I can say is build an ark, 'cause it is seriously time for a flood.

LORELAI

Oh, well, you want some iced tea?(gestures to a waiter)

PARIS

I mean, forget the concept of intelligence or even the simple act of carrying on a conversation. (waiter comes over and starts filling glasses of iced tea for them) These people can't type a reference sheet. I mean they all have questionable morals, a complete distrust of soap products... (to waiter who's pouring her ice tea) in the glass, out of the glass. It's all semantics to you, right?

LORELAI

(excuses the waiter) Oh... well, I'm sure you'll find someone. You just have to keep looking.

PARIS

I guess. It's just, classes start next week, and things are already getting crazy.

LORELAI

Yeah. Boy. You sound really busy, Paris.

PARIS

I am.

LORELAI

You know, I feel a little bad, dragging you all the way out here when you have so much on your plate. I mean, talk about self-centred, huh? Think about someone else for a change, Lorelai.

PARIS

Oh, that's okay.

LORELAI

You know, I'll be totally fine if you need to cut back on our lunches.

PARIS

Cut back?

LORELAI

Cut back, cut out. Whatever you need, is fine with me.

PARIS

You know, this all sucks. I wouldn't be in this position if it weren't for Rory. She was supposed to room with me. It was all planned out. I even called her yesterday and gave her one more chance to change her mind, but no.

LORELAI

You talked to Rory yesterday?

PARIS

Yeah, I called her at the office.

LORELAI

(surprised) Office? What office?

PARIS

Her office.

LORELAI

She has an office. What is she doing?

PARIS

I don't know... Her job.

LORELAI

What job?

PARIS

Some job in an office with her grandmother.

LORELAI

Well, her grandmother does not have an office.

PARIS

Well, that's where I called her.

LORELAI

This makes no sense to me at all. What did it sound like?

PARIS

An office.

LORELAI

Yes, I know an office, but were there specific office sounds?

PARIS

I think I heard a fax machine.

LORELAI

A fax machine? Are you sure it was a fax machine?

PARIS

Pretty sure.

LORELAI

Well, were there people talking or traffic? Did you hear traffic, cause that could give us a location. (Paris looks at Lorelai suspiciously) City, the county or... what?

PARIS

So that's what this is all about. You're just using me to get to Rory?

LORELAI

Aw, Paris.

PARIS

You're pumping me full of espresso and pumping me for information.

LORELAI

No, that is not true. I'm not pumping. No pumping. We're completely pump-free.

PARIS

I'm so stupid. I mean why else would you want to have biweekly lunches with me?

LORELAI

There are many, many reasons. And they will come to me just in a second.

PARIS

I'm blind. I walk blindly through life.

LORELAI

No. Now, you're not blind.

PARIS

I'll leave. I'll go right now. (gets up)

LORELAI

Oh, Paris, please. (stops her from leaving) I'm sorry. You mentioned Rory, and a thing went off in my brain. It's just a mother thing. But I love our lunches. I really do. Please stay.

PARIS

Are you sure? Because I could just...

LORELAI

Yes. I'm completely positive. Everything's good. Now, won't you sit down? (Paris sits back on her chair) How does chicken sound, OK?

PARIS

OK. Just not too dry.

LORELAI

OK.(sighs)

PARIS

(looks around as no waiter is approaching them) The service here sucks.

RORY

(to a couple dancing) Very smooth, Mr. Hollister.

RORY

I thought it looked familiar.

RORY

Oh, I hope I can keep up. (to another couple) Watch those hands, Mr. Fink. (the record starts skipping) I'm on it. (fixes the problem. To couples dancing) You know, I can get this for you guys on CD. (the elders laugh) Oh, now, come on. It wasn't that funny. (notices someone at the door. It's Logan) Oh, my god. Hey, stranger! (walks over to him)

LOGAN

And hello to you. (they kiss)

RORY

Touche, Mr. Fink. (to Logan) What are you doing here?

LOGAN

Well, I was in Copenhagen this morning, and then I remembered I've a four o'clock Mambo class.

RORY

I'm so glad you're back. How was Europe?

LOGAN

Same as it was last year.

RORY

(noticing a bandage on Logan's finger) What did you do?

LOGAN

Long, embarrassing story. I'll tell you later.

RORY

OK. Oh, wait. Hold on. (stops the record player and addresses the elders) Okay, everyone. It is time for cake and punch. (a nursing home worker comes in with a trolley. The elders groan a bit) It's only a 15-minute break, and then it's back to the dance floor.

LOGAN

So you're Arthur Murray now?

RORY

No, I don't have that much training. Their dance teacher has an inner-ear infection. I'm just filling in. My job is to make sure nobody falls down.

LOGAN

Aaand, what if somebody does?

RORY

That's what the panic button is for. (indicating a red button on the wall)

LOGAN

(laughing) So, when does this crazy rock 'n' roll party wrap up?

RORY

Another 45 minutes. But if you get yourself some cake and punch, it'll only seem like 40. (they kiss) I missed you.

LOGAN

That was my plan.(Rory chuckles as Logan walks away, and then changes a record on the player)

LOGAN

Thank you. (takes the glass from her)

RORY

You're welcome.(settles down on the couch and covers herself with another comforter) I missed this.

LOGAN

Me too.

RORY

Oh, so you, Colin, and Finn didn't do a lot of cuddling in Europe?

LOGAN

Nah, mostly just hand-holding.

RORY

So is there any official record of this trip, or was all evidence confiscated at the airport?

LOGAN

I got pictures.

RORY

Yeah? Can I see?

LOGAN

(point to his bag) Hand me that. (puts the glass down as Rory reaches for the bag and gives it to him) Now, you realize if I show you mine, you have to show me yours.(gets his cell phone out of the bag)

RORY

You saw mine about five minutes ago, mister.

LOGAN

Oh, I hate it when you work blue. (fiddling with his phone) Okay. Here's Colin sleeping on the train.

RORY

Uh huh...

LOGAN

And here's Finn shoving carrot sticks up Colin's nose as Colin sleeps on the train.

RORY

Very mature.

LOGAN

We try. This is Gloucestershire, England...

RORY

It's pretty.

LOGAN

... where we attended the famous Gloucestershire Cheese-Rolling festival, a time-honoured tradition where brave men, such as myself, climb to the top of a hill with a large wheel of cheese, then proceed push it and run after it as it rolls all the way down.

RORY

Shut up. Why would you commit that to film? (takes the phone from Logan)

LOGAN

That's me, that's Colin, that's Finn, and that is the cheese.

RORY

So if you beat your cheese to the bottom of the hill, are you disqualified, or do you win?

LOGAN

There are no winners or losers in the Gloucestershire Cheese-Rolling festival.

RORY

Well there certainly aren't any winners.

LOGAN

Tell me about it. (indicating his bandaged finger)

RORY

Who's that?

LOGAN

Ah! Now that's the love of Colin's life.

RORY

Colin fell in love?

LOGAN

Yeah. He met her in Holland and she doesn't speak a word of English, so she has no idea how incredibly annoying she finds him.

RORY

What's with the outfit?

LOGAN

She's a milkmaid.

RORY

Stop!

LOGAN

She has cows. She has pails.

RORY

(amused) Colin fell in love with a milkmaid?

LOGAN

It's pretty serious, too. He ditched us and followed her to Amsterdam, where they've been hold up ever since. We haven't heard a word from him. I mean we assume he's gonna be back by the time... (sighs)

RORY

By the time what? By the time the cows come home? What? By the time school starts? (Logan sighs again) What? What's the matter?

LOGAN

Nothing.

RORY

Logan, you can mention school to me.

LOGAN

I don't want to bum you out.

RORY

Logan! That is ridiculous! I'm fine. I mean... Look. Yale was a wonderful chapter in my life, but I've moved on. I have my work. I have my new pad. I'm just really happy with where I am right now.

LOGAN

(disbelief) Really?

RORY

Logan, you don't have to feel weird about this. You go to Yale. Your friends go to Yale. How can we not talk about Yale?

LOGAN

I don't know.

RORY

Exactly. So, we both agree that the topic of Yale can never be off-limits.

LOGAN

OK, fine. Well if you're so cool with it, then why don't you come meet me at Yale tomorrow and I can show you my new apartment and maybe take you to lunch?

RORY

I can't tomorrow because I have my DAR induction luncheon.

LOGAN

Well, then, how about breakfast?

RORY

Breakfast sounds good.

LOGAN

I have to say, Ace, I like the new digs.

RORY

Yeah, it's really nice, huh? You haven't even seen the bedroom yet.

LOGAN

Wow!!!

RORY

What?

LOGAN

OK, fine! but don't think that this is gonna work a second time. (get's up from the couch and starts moving towards the bedroom)

RORY

(comprehension dawning on her) Oh, no, Logan, I didn't mean... No, I seriously meant that you hadn't seen the bedroom yet.

LOGAN

You're making me feel cheap, Ace. (keeps walking to the bedroom)

RORY

Logan! I swear, I wasn't working blue. (gets up and follows Logan)

BRIAN

Come on, let's go!

GIL

Martha's thirsty, guys.

ZACH

I hate that he named the van.

LANE

I think it's cute.

ZACH

Hey! You're not pumping premium, right?

GIL

It's the cheap stuff, bro. Don't worry.

ZACH

Yeah, well you said that before, and you pumped premium, and it meant no snack stop in Philadelphia.

GIL

Whoa ho ho!

LANE

What, Gil?

GIL

Well I was just watching the numbers spin by on the gas pump dial thingy here getting bigger and bigger. And I was thinking... what if that was counting all the people who were, like, dying, you know, so it's all these dead dudes spinning by?

ZACH

Every day with him is like being on "meet the press."

BRIAN

I can't feel my legs.

ZACH

Move around a little.

BRIAN

Your amp's on my foot.

ZACH

Look, I'm no better off than you are, Brian. My guitar case is jammed against my thigh.

BRIAN

I got a cymbal stand sticking in my pancreas.

LANE

Guys, we are an hour out of Stars Hollow. Hang in there.

ZACH

God, the smell of that gas is making me hungry.

LANE

Gil, hurry!

GIL

I'm coming. (closes the vans door and starts walking to the drivers seat) All right. It's the last of the gas money, so this better get us home. (gets in and starts up the van) Everybody: Lean Forward. (they all lean forward and the van drives off)

LANE

Gil, where'd you put the map?

GIL

It's... (does a dismissive gesture) Ugh.

LANE

You're okay to drive, right?

GIL

Yeah, sure. I'm just...

ZACH

Dude, don't do that thing where you don't finish your sentences. It freaks me out.

GIL

I'll try. I'm just... ugh.

ZACH

(shoves Gil) Come on.

GIL

I guess I'm just weak from hunger. The guy I got gas from, I was talking to him, and he suddenly turned into a giant turkey leg.

BRIAN

Please don't mention food.

LANE

Let's think good thoughts here, guys. Picture yourself at home, okay? Home at last. What's the first thing you're gonna do?

ZACH

Eat.

GIL

Wash my hair. Hug the kids, set them up in front of a "Harry Potter" movie, and then do my wife for, like, an hour.

LANE

Uh, look, guys, I've got an announcement. Kind of in my capacity as band manager, and I think it's gonna cheer you up, a lot.

ZACH

What?

LANE

Well, as you know, each gig paid us a little something, and we stayed free at people's houses along the way, and we sold a decent amount of t-shirts, so, besides food, which we consumed in moderation, there were days that we spent practically nothing.

ZACH

Yeah?

LANE

Well... I wanted us to come out of this tour with something. So I figured the best way to motivate us, to save, would be to fib a little on how much we had.

GIL

You fibbed a little?

LANE

Actually, a lot. But it paid off big, guys, because we're going home with over $9,000. (they guys look up at Lane in disbelief and a bit pissed) Huh? $9,000, American dollars. Why aren't you guys jumping up and down?

BRIAN

Besides the fact that my spinal cord severed somewhere back on the 95?

ZACH

And that we haven't eaten a full meal in over two months?

GIL

I thought we were broke.

LANE

See? See how it worked? And now we're reaping the rewards.

ZACH

Lane, we were starving.

BRIAN

We scrimped on everything. I stopped brushing my teeth because I couldn't buy toothpaste.

GIL

I've been washing my hair with bar soap.

LANE

But think about what we can do with the money. We can record. Make a CD. Nirvana made "Bleach" for $600. Even factoring in inflation, if we're on our game, we could make "Bleach", 10 times over.

BRIAN

Our own "Bleach".

ZACH

It would be very cool to record.

BRIAN

Very cool.

GIL

I think...

ZACH

Dude, come on. (shoves Gil again) You gotta finish that sentence.

GIL

I can't talk and drive.

LANE

Then just drive, Gil. 30 miles. 30 miles to home. (they high five)

LORELAI

Talking about how pretty I am again? Oh, get a new subject, boys.

LUKE

What are you doing home?

LORELAI

Well, I have to be at the Inn late tonight. So I thought I'd come and feed Paul Anka, take him for a little walk, work out our crosswalk issues.

LUKE

Well, Tom here was just tel...

TOM

(cuts Luke off)... it's not my fault.

LUKE

I wasn't gonna say it was your fault.

TOM

You've got "it's Tom's fault" tone in your voice.

LUKE

He's got to shut your water off for a couple of days.

TOM

We hit a pipe that shouldn?t have been hit.

LORELAI

(accusingly) Tom!

TOM

See how fast the "it's Tom's fault" tone has spread?

LUKE

You can stay with me.

LORELAI

OK. Well, I got to get back to work. That wedding party's coming in tonight.

LUKE

Oh, I'll gather up some of your stuff.

LORELAI

Last time you gathered up some of my stuff, you accidentally brought me four bras and no pants.

LUKE

That could have been intentional.

LORELAI

I will get my own stuff, thank you. (starts walking to the house, but backtracks) Wooo, now I just have to figure out what to do with Paul Anka. You know, I've never left him alone so late before, and he might start doing that howling thing the neighbours are so fond of. But... well, that's okay. So... Oh! You know, I guess I could just leave him here and I can come back and get him after work, which will be, oh! two, three, four in the morning. Boy. Late. (looks for a reaction from Luke. He seems to not be getting the hint) Or I could drop him off at a kennel for a few hours. I know there's a good one in Woodbridge, 20 miles away. Of course, I'd have to leave now and pick up some dilithium crystals on the way to fix the warp drive in my jeep so that I could drive there and back in time to meet the wedding party back at the Inn, but that's doable. (looking at Luke for yet another reaction. He still looks unmoved) Yeah... and then, of course, by the time I get off work and drive all the way back ther

LUKE

(amused) I just wanted to see how long you'd go on.

LORELAI

Well, you know my babbling capabilities are infinite.

LUKE

I'll take the dog home with me. And points for the dilithium-crystal reference.

LORELAI

Well, when you sleep with geeks... (TJ approaches them with a bunch of paper lunch bags)

TJ

Hey. I just talked to my buddy, Tony Benzino, who's a contractor over in Hartford, and he says contractors don't fetch lunches for the crew. They do, however, get to answer the phone, and they do get to sign for things and order things, and Tom, there is no such thing as a mystic hammer. And after this very enlightening conversation, you know what I'm starting to think?

LORELAI

What?

TJ

I'm starting to think that I'm not really the contractor on this job.

LUKE

Look, TJ...

TOM

It's okay, Luke. I got this. TJ, we did this for your own good. We got you out of the house. You got paid. You didn't get hurt. Look at it that way.

TJ

Oh, yeah? Is that the way I'm supposed to look at it? Well, fine! (starts handing out the bags) You can keep your stupid phony contracting job. I'm through playing your patsy. I'm through running your errands. Hold on. That's no mayo. (trades some bags he's already handed out) Here, Ed. I'm done! I quit! You can all kiss any part of me that reaches your general vicinity first. You have seen the last of me. So arrivederci, Roma! (starts walking away but walks back up to them) And to repay you all for this lousy trick that you played on me, you can all reach in here and grab your own damn condiments. (drops the last bag and walks away)

TOM

That's dinner!

TJ

(pushes the glass across the counter) Hit me.

LUKE

(walks up to TJ) That's your fourth milkshake, TJ.

TJ

Doesn't matter, Luke. It's not like I got anywhere to go tomorrow.

LUKE

So, you're not a contractor. Who cares? Neither am I. You don't see me crying about it.

TJ

I'm not crying about it... anymore.

LUKE

It's not your thing.

TJ

Yeah. Not my thing. I don't have a thing. I have nothing.

LUKE

You've got Liz. You've got your health.

TJ

I've got no dream. I've got no future.

LUKE

What are you talking about, you got no future? (walks over and point to the shelves TJ put up for him) Did you or did you not build these shelves?

TJ

I did.

LUKE

Those are great shelves, TJ.

TJ

Stop it.

LUKE

They are! There's some real craftsmanship that went into those shelves. Well made, you got some nice carved detail. That's a quality piece of merchandise, and you made it.

TJ

Yeah... So?

LUKE

So you should be proud of that. Not everybody can do that. So you're not a contractor. You're a craftsman!

TJ

Wow. I'm a craftsman... Like Jesus. He built stuff for a while.

LUKE

Yeah! You're exactly like Jesus. That was my point.

TJ

Yeah. What am I getting so mopey about? I mean,I build shelves. I'm a craftsman who builds shelves, like Jesus. (get up from his stool and Luke starts walking him to the diner door) And plus my day rate has just gone way up.

LUKE

Yeah, but TJ that was a contractor's rate you were being paid, not a shelfmaker's rate.

TJ

Yeah, but I wasn't really the contractor.

LUKE

I know, but that was... Have a good night, TJ.(opens the diner door and TJ exits)

LUKE

Hey! Just lying there. What a surprise! Make sure you grind that smelly butt of yours into the rug real good. Get that aroma really locked in those fibbers there. (sees that PA has gone through the garbage) Oh, man. Wow, you are fun to have around. (he notices some chocolate wrapping paper) Oh, no. Oh, crap. Oh, god. (takes his watch off) Tell me you didn't. Tell me you didn't. There we go.(sniffs PA's breath) Oh, jeez! (picks PA up and starts running out of the apartment)

LUKE

Come on! Hey! Wake up! I got a dog out here! (the light in the house come on)

VET

(opens the door) Can I help you?

LUKE

The dog ate chocolate. And I don't know a lot about dogs, but I do know they shouldn't eat chocolate, and I went to the animal hospital, and they were closed, and I called Babette and she told me where you lived, and you got to do something. Because this is not my dog. This is my fiance's dog. She loves him. She named him "Paul Anka", which may, on the surface, not seem like a sign of love, but if you knew her, you'd get it, and believe me there's a lot of ways I could screw up, but I cannot lose her over the fact I killed her dog.

VET

I'll get the ipecac. Come on in. (they walk in the house)

RORY

So, I tell the guy, "Hey! There is no way all these potatoes could have been peeled if I had waltzed in here at twelve". He simply refused to believe me or credit me with the hours, so finally I just said, "You know what? There is another soup kitchen down on Hadley, and they serve more vegetables than you do, so I would rather work there anyhow", and I turned in my apron, and I walked out.

LOGAN

Wow. Rough world, the world of Community Service.

RORY

Oh, you don't know the half of it. I've done 125 hours, so I've got 175 to go, which is a little off my goal, but not by much, so I can deal. I've got the candy-striper thing starting next week. I didn't really want that, but I had to take it, because I was supposed to get on the zoo beat, which would have been gross but great cause they'll let you do a double shift. (Logan looks at his watch) But they're always full. Weird, huh?

LOGAN

Very weird.

RORY

I'm boring you.

LOGAN

Far from it. I just have to go. I have to meet with my faculty adviser and convince her that this is the year I'm finally gonna make something of myself.

RORY

Well, don't tell her about that cheese-rolling incident. She'll never believe you.

LOGAN

You want me to walk you back to your car?

RORY

No, I think I can make it by myself.

LOGAN

(gets up to leave) OK.

RORY

OK. (Logan kisses her cheek)

LOGAN

I'll call you later?

RORY

OK. (Logan leaves)

LORELAI

Hey.

LUKE

Hey. Sorry. I didn't mean to wake you. Go back to sleep. (starts walking back towards the bed)

LORELAI

No, it's okay. I like to watch you hydrate.

LUKE

Oh, man. When did you get home? I didn't hear you come in.

LORELAI

Yeah, you were conked out pretty good.

LUKE

Oh yeah!

LORELAI

Both of you. (sits up bit better in bed as Luke comes closer)

LUKE

Yeah.

LORELAI

How did it go with Paul Anka last night?

LUKE

Well, first off, he ate three pounds of unsweetened baking chocolate, so I had to rush him to the vet, to his house because the animal hospital was closed, and he forced some sort of vomit-inducing medicine down Paul Anka's throat, and then Paul Anka proceeded to throw up for the next hour and a half. (Lorelai looks concerned) After that I sat with him for another three hours, holding a bowl of water under his nose to make sure that he was re-hydrating properly, and then I chocolate-proofed the apartment and the diner to make sure that never happens again. (Lorelai looks at Luke lovingly) And now I'm gonna go downstairs and make Paul Anka some scrambled eggs because the vet said that the kibble is gonna be a little hard on his stomach for a couple of days. Does he have any particular fear of cheddar? Cause I thought I'd throw that in to make it taste better.

LORELAI

Luke?

LUKE

Yeah?

LORELAI

I don't want to set a wedding date until things are right with Rory.

LUKE

OK. (Lorelai looks relieved) So, the cheddar is... ?

LORELAI

OK. (Luke walks away and Lorelai settles back in bed)

FRESHMAN COUNSELLOR

The dining-hall hours are cast in stone. You snooze, you lose. And your school-issued IDs are your new best friends. Become inseparable. You'll be asked for it constantly, so give it a nickname and learn to commit. It operates the laundry room. It is your meal card. Every new student at Yale will learn the value of the ID.

EMILY

Every new member of the DAR Will feel instantly the sense of camaraderie that has become synonymous with the DAR. As certified members of the Hartford chapter of the Daughters of the American Revolution, you will hold a very special and esteemed place in this community. But with that great esteem comes great responsibility: to your chapter, to your town, and to your nation. This is a proud moment for me as I, your president, welcome the new members of the Daughters of the American Revolution.