T6E2: “Fight Face”

LORELAI

It's big

SOOKIE

That's what she said.

LORELAI

Good one

SOOKIE

Hey, I'm still twelve.

LORELAI

I meant the house. It's very big.

SOOKIE

Very sweet of Luke to have that dream of his. You two living in this house!

LORELAI

What do you think there are? Twelve rooms?

SOOKIE

At least! I mean you can really go to town in this place. You could have a dedicated sewing room. I mean, that's a no-brainer.

LORELAI

Are you kidding? I could put a whole loom in one of those rooms. Indulge my long harboured desire to make tapestries

SOOKIE

You've been long harbouring that one?

LORELAI

I just thought of it, but yeah!

SOOKIE

So it's all feeling good, huh?

LORELAI

Well it's a little on the Versailles side. I mean I have to keep an eye out for peasants with pitchforks.

SOOKIE

I meant the relationship. You're engaged for Gosh sakes!

LORELAI

Yes! I'm aware!

SOOKIE

And sticking?

LORELAI

Yes, Sookie, it's sticking!

SOOKIE

Good, good!... How 'bout now?

LORELAI

I'm totally re-evaluating the whole thing.

SOOKIE

Really?

LORELAI

(exasperated) NO!

SOOKIE

Well... You've got priors!

LORELAI

Sookie!

SOOKIE

You say one thing, but your heart says another.

LORELAI

Please! Don't give me the whole litany. Especially one that sounds so much like a Kenny Chesney song.

SOOKIE

I'm just being honest.

LORELAI

(determined) I'm not going to bolt. I'm staying put.

SOOKIE

Good. (knowingly) Because the eyes will give you away.

LORELAI

What do you mean?

SOOKIE

If you're thinking of bolting they'll pop out on you, like that runway bride. It's like the eyes are trying to run away first.

LORELAI

Sookie look at my eyes.

SOOKIE

OK...

LORELAI

How do they look?

SOOKIE

Pretty socked in there.

LORELAI

And there they will remain. Everything's good. Promise

SOOKIE

Good. Pretty eyes too.

LORELAI

I'm taken.

SOOKIE

Sorry!

LORELAI

(turns to look back at the house) WOW!

SOOKIE

What?

LORELAI

Is it me or...

SOOKIE

(looks up at the house too) Nope! I think it just got bigger.

LORELAI

That's what she said.

SOOKIE

Good grief.

LORELAI

What!? You can be twelve, but I can't be twelve?

SOOKIE

No... You can be twelve.

LORELAI

Thank you.

LUKE

And they have those flash light thingies

LORELAI

Yeah! That's the right name for those. Flash Light Thingies.

LUKE

And Jedi powers of mind control, and they can move things, so they're telekinetic. And they hover on their jet saucers over molten lava, and they can jump and fly around like they're in Cirque Du Soleil...

LORELAI

Ah! Coffee, please. (Luke goes behind the counter to get the coffee, Lorelai sits on a stool)

LUKE

... But what gives one Jedi knight the edge over the other, huh? The ultimate advantage? They stand on a mound of dirt and declare, "you can't win. I've got the high ground."

LORELAI

Dude, if he said it that's the way it is. It's a fictional world.

LUKE

He's four feet up a little sloap, and that wipes out all the other guys powers to fly, jump around, move things with his brain, use his flashlight thingy?

LORELAI

You've got to learn the right term for that flashlight thingy!

LUKE

This has been bugging me!

LORELAI

For months! We saw that movie months ago. You've got to let it go.

LUKE

I can't!

LORELAI

George Lucas owns San Fransisco now. That's a city! You can't argue with a man who owns a city.

LUKE

All the other guy has to do is scurry onto land, run up a hill a bit, and then he has the high ground. I mean, they can fly jetpods, but they can't scurry?

LORELAI

Go on a website or something, OK? Cause there are thousands... no, millions of your kind out there debating all the minutiae of, not just this Star Wars movie, but every Star Wars movie!

LUKE

You drag me to see these movies.

LORELAI

No, you wanted to see that movie.

LUKE

So I can't critique it because I wanted to see it?

LORELAI

That's how it works.

LUKE

What about "Bewitched"?

LORELAI

(closes her eyes and breathes deep in restrain) Okay, I'm sorry. They screwed up "Bewitched". Nicole Kidman, good choice. But that concept?

LUKE

You should go on a website

LORELAI

No! but "Bewitched" is iconic!... Dr. Bombay, Larry Tate. There was no Larry Tate.

LUKE

(a bit condescending) Hey! Let it go! We saw this months ago!

LORELAI

This is different. You can't have "Bewitched" without Larry Tate.

LUKE

Here's your coffee.

LORELAI

(sighs and takes the to go cup) So should we stop going to movies?

LUKE

We should stop caring.

LORELAI

OK! Bye doll!

LUKE

Bye

TJ

You see these?

LUKE

Yeah, I saw them before TJ. Stop doing that. It's creepy.

TJ

(stands up straight by the shelves proudly) Some of my best work these shelves.

LUKE

They seem very shelfy.

TJ

You're not excited.

LUKE

I tend not to get to excited about things like shelves.

TJ

I hate that you've lost the little boy in you.

LUKE

Don't cry for me

TJ

By the way, I'm throwing in my top shelf as an engagement gift for you, brother-in-law.

LUKE

Great! Thanks.

TJ

Of course, my per-shelf rate's gone up since we last talked. So it all comes out to the same money.

LUKE

Yeah... well, funny how that works.

TJ

It's very exciting that Lorelai's gonna be my sister-in-law. Having another hot girl in the family is gonna be tres cool.

LUKE

Uh-huh.

TJ

People are really gonna stare when the two of us are squiring our delectable wives around.

LUKE

I don't know just how much mutual squiring you and I are going to be doing.

TJ

You got to admit our wives are hot. (draws in the air with his hands a woman's body) Va-va to the voom.

LUKE

(disturbed) T.J... Your wife is my sister.

TJ

That don't make you blind, does it? Va-va... (starts to do the air drawing thing again)

LUKE

Don't go to the voom again!

TJ

Mr. Sensitive.

LUKE

You're done here, right? Don't you have somewhere to go?

TJ

I'm pretty free. I was gonna go home and watch "Bewitched" on dvd, but your woman spoiled that for me.

LUKE

Yeah... I got to check something out in the storeroom. (starts walking towards the storeroom. TJ follows him and stops him before he leaves)

TJ

Wait, wait, wait, wait! Wait. Wait. Wait. I need your okay on something.

LUKE

As long as it doesn't involve my sister.

TJ

It pays to advertise, right? I want to put a sign up on the shelves to let people know who did them. "Shelves by AJ"

LUKE

AJ? Why AJ? Why not TJ?

TJ

'Cause I'm going in the yellow pages, and I want to be up at the top. "T" puts me after everything except "u," "v," "w," "x," "y," and "z" and I think a few others. Smart, huh?

LUKE

Yeah, well I just don't want you advertising here, T.J.

TJ

Well, is it okay if I give out my card to any inquiring party? (gets out a card from his toolbelt and gives it to Luke)

LUKE

Sure, if they inquire, give them a card. (reads the card) You crossed out "Ralph's Shoe Repair" and wrote in "AJ Construction." That's your card?

TJ

I don't technically have cards. So I take them from other businesses and write my own stuff in it.

LUKE

You wanna... You might want to cross out the picture of the guy shining the boot. It might confuse things.

TJ

Thanks. (Luke exits to the storeroom) What a team, huh? What a team? (TJ approaches two customers sitting on the counter) How about those shelves, huh? You plus your fat cousins could sit on them. They wouldn't break. They're that strong. Here, take a card. (gives them a card)

LORELAI

Hello, porky! Hello. O-h-h-H!!!! Well, I'm feeling a little guilty because of the you-L.T I had yesterday. That's right, I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Hi, fellas. What's up? You both look like killers. (sees a cage with a cute furry mutt) Hey. Hey, you! Oh, someone seems very happy.

FAIR SALES PERSON

He likes you, and he's picky.

LORELAI

He's cute. You're cute. You're shaggy cute. Oh, we got a love thing going on, don't we? (Miss Patty approaches Lorelai)

MISS PATTY

(accusingly) What are you doing?

LORELAI

I'm just enjoying the animals, Patty.

MISS PATTY

(to fair sales person) Honey, this is not right. She can't have a love thing with a dog.

FAIR SALES PERSON

She can't?

LORELAI

Yes, I can. Go about your business there, Patty.

MISS PATTY

You must have her name on some blacklist back there, don't you?

FAIR SALES PERSON

We don't have a blacklist.

MISS PATTY

But this is Lorelai Gilmore.

LORELAI

Ignore her. (to Patty) This dog loves me. And the pig... the pig loved me.

MISS PATTY

It looks dead.

LORELAI

It's sleeping. (to fair sales person) They sleep, right?

FAIR SALES PERSON

Actually, that's very unusual for her to be sleeping. (to anohter fair member) Meg, make sure the pig's okay.

LORELAI

Yeah, the pig's fine.

MISS PATTY

(accusingly) You didn't touch it, did you?

LORELAI

I did not kill the pig, Patty.

MISS PATTY

You got a bad record. You got to admit it.

LORELAI

That thing with the hamster was a long time ago. It was a long time ago! And..and it was only a hamster. I mean it's not really in the same category as dog or pig, now, is it?

MISS PATTY

What about the rabbit?

LORELAI

Okay, the rabbit was sick when I got it. It was sick when I got it! It was actually very humanitarian of me to take it in the first place.

MISS PATTY

And that poor turtle. It was supposed to outlive you.

LORELAI

Kay! You're really kind of bringing down the pet fair here, Patty.

MISS PATTY

Honey, go see "March Of The Penguins." That's really as close to the animals as you should get. (walks away)

LORELAI

(to fair sales person) She's a comedienne, that one. She just gets a bit, and then she keeps on going, you know, even with one that's not funny. It's a (far sales person walks away)... (to the dog) Hi. See you later, kiddo.

LIZ

(running towards Lorelai) Lorelai!

LORELAI

Liz, hi. (they hug)

LIZ

You and Luke engaged!

LORELAI

Yes, we are!

LIZ

I want to eat your face.

LORELAI

Is that good?

LIZ

You're my sister-in-law. Mrs. Danes, not that you're changing your name. You don't got to. Go modern.

LORELAI

Oh, I'm not sure what I'm gonna do.

LIZ

(takes Lorelai's hand in hers and inspects the ring) This ring. My brother has good taste.

LORELAI

Yes, he does.

LIZ

You ever see my ring?(hold out her ring finger) It's a beaut, huh?

LORELAI

Definitely.

LIZ

Had a problem with it for a while. It turned my finger green.

LORELAI

Well, that's common with metal.

LIZ

No, it's worse than that. The finger turned green, then it turned blue, then purple. So, I went to this doctor, and he's talking amputation.

LORELAI

Oh, my god!

LIZ

But TJ picked it out for me, so I love it, I really do.

LORELAI

It's the thought that counts.

LIZ

Well, I got to get going. I actually have a finger-therapy session I have to go to. Sister-in-laaaws! (hold up her ring, and Lorelai reluctantly joins her)

LORELAI

Sister-in-laws!

LIZ

Oh, I'm a jerk.

LORELAI

What?

LIZ

I forgot to ask you about Rory.

LORELAI

Right.

LIZ

So, is she staying here with you during the summer break?

LORELAI

(uncomfortable) Oh, well, actually... Luke didn't tell you about all this?

LIZ

All what?

LORELAI

She's staying with her grandparents for the summer.

LIZ

Really?

LORELAI

For a change of pace. And she'll be working and... yeah.

LIZ

Ah! Your whole extended family. You, your parents, so close. It's nice.

LORELAI

Yes, it is.

LIZ

Ow.

LORELAI

What?

LIZ

My finger. Gotta run. Bye. (walks away)

LORELAI

Uh... Bye, Liz. (sighs) Looks back at the furry mutt. To fair sales pesron) I'll take him.

EMILY

So the 14th works?

RICHARD

Yeah, works for me. My god, we're busier than that Anne Coulter.

EMILY

Who?

RICHARD

That blond bean pole on TV. If she walked over a subway grate, she'd fall right through.

EMILY

We need to talk to the gardener.

RICHARD

Try! I've given up.

EMILY

I told him to take that mp3 device off his head while he worked, and he did. Then I hid behind the curtains, and he put his mp3 device right back in his ears. (Rory walks in the dinning room and stand around awkwardly)

RICHARD

We're paying him too much if he's able to afford an mp3 device.

EMILY

Well he's got to focus on the lawn. Morning, Rory.

RORY

Hi.

RICHARD

The patches of brown. Good morning, Rory.

RORY

Morning.

EMILY

OH, speaking of which, we have a cocktail gathering on Wednesday.

RICHARD

How was "patches of brown" speaking of which?

EMILY

It's the Sterling-Olivers.

RICHARD

The age spots.

EMILY

You worship the sun, you pay the price.

RICHARD

(chuckles) So, Wednesday with the Oliv... wait a minute. We already have cocktails with the Bransons on Wednesday.

EMILY

We'll do a drink at each.

RICHARD

Huh, we've done it before.

EMILY

Rory, sit, sit!

RORY

OK. (sits at her usual place)

RICHARD

We're staying on top of your car, by the way.

RORY

My car?

RICHARD

Mmmm. It's still in the shop. What is with our government? Impounding a car and damaging it in the process.

EMILY

Then refusing to pay for the damage.

RICHARD

I should tell Scooter Libby about this. I keep forgetting I know a man on the inside. I'll give him a call.

EMILY

Before an indictment comes down.

RORY

I'm sorry.

EMILY

For what?

RORY

Well my car is impounded because of the thing with the yacht.

EMILY

(dismissive) That's forgotten.

RICHARD

(equally dismissive) Totally forgotten.

EMILY

(continuing to be dismissive) It didn't happen.

RICHARD

We'll get you through this community service. Then we'll be through with the matter.

EMILY

Was the orientation horrible?

RORY

No, it went fine. I start my first hours in a couple days.

EMILY

You're bearing this angelically.

RICHARD

(looks at his watch) Oh, I've got to run!

EMILY

(looks at her watch) Oh, look at that. Me too. (Richard & Emily stand up)

RICHARD

Goodbye, Rory. Have a nice day.

EMILY

Eat the rest of this.

RORY

(Richard kisses the top of her head) I'll try.

EMILY

And give the fabric samples in the pool house a good look. The longer we wait, the longer it takes.

RORY

I'll give them a good look

EMILY

What's that?

RICHARD

That's my new ring tone.

EMILY

I love it.

RICHARD

I'll have Katie come up with some appropriate suggestions for yours. Maybe some Burt Bacharach.

EMILY

Wonderful. (the grand parents leave. Rory is left alone in the huge dinning room)

RORY

(pointing at the coffee maker) May I?

ESPERANZA

Si.

RORY

(pours some coffee) Esperanza, right?

ESPERANZA

Si, Esperanza.

RORY

Tu nombre es muy bonito.

ESPERANZA

Hablas espaÑol?

RORY

Um, no hablo bien, y no hablo mucho.

ESPERANZA

Lo hablas muy bien.

RORY

De dónde eres?

ESPERANZA

De Guatemala.

RORY

Guatemala. Tienes familia alli?

ESPERANZA

Oh, sí, tengo mucha familia, y quiero traer a mi mama aqui.

RORY

Oh, si. Y cuantos anos tiene tu mama?

ESPERANZA

72 anos.

RORY

Oh! (they chuckle)

RORY

Le gusta ver footbol en la televisión o le gusta jugar?

EMILY

Rory!

RORY

Oh! Grandma, you scared me.

ESPERANZA

Hello, Mrs. Gilmore.

EMILY

What is going on in here?

RORY

Um, we were just... well, we were polishing silver.

EMILY

Esperanza, the vacuum is still sitting in the foyer. (at the maids blanc stare) The vacuum! THE VACUUM!

ESPERANZA

Oh, si! Si. (exits in a rush)

EMILY

(to Rory) Tell me she didn't ask you to help.

RORY

Oh, no, no. She didn't. I just... I don't know. I just thought, I would pitch in.

EMILY

Well, you shouldn't. This is her job, she's paid to do this.

RORY

I know.

EMILY

And what was that language?

RORY

Spanish.

EMILY

Spanish? They don't like it when you talk to them, Rory. It throws them off their axis.

RORY

She seemed fine.

EMILY

(inspects Rory's outfit) Is that a bathing suit?

RORY

Yeah. Yeah, I was gonna go swimming earlier. (seeing Emily's stern face) In fact, I think I'll go do that now.

EMILY

Yes, a swim would be good.

RORY

OK. Well, see you later. (Rory exits. Emily looks around at the silverware Rory was polishing and sighs)

LUKE

Hey! You ready to go?

LORELAI

Come in, come in, come in! I want to show you something.

LUKE

OK.

LORELAI

(giggles) Or... more accurately, I want to show you someone. (they walk in the living room, which is filled with doggie stuff) Ta-da! Where'd he go?

LUKE

Where'd who go? What's all this crap?

LORELAI

(disappointed) Aaaww! Yoo-hoo! Come on, dude. We had it all rehearsed and everything. A! Aha! Ha ha. Yeah. Okay. (produces the dog from behind an armchair) Ta-da!

LUKE

(surprised and weirded out) It's a dog.

LORELAI

Yeah! Very good. (to the dog in a funny voice) He's smart, too. Not as smart as you.(carries him to the coffee table and sets him there, sits next to him and starts to pet him)

LUKE

What are you doing with a dog?

LORELAI

I bought him. Doesn't he look happy?

LUKE

Yeah, I guess. (disbelievingly) You bought a dog!

LORELAI

Yeah, and he loves me. And he doesn't give his love easily. The only drawback is the name. Cocoa. It's too cutesy. But he's a rescue, so I don't want to freak him out by giving him a new name right away, so, I'm gonna get to the name I want to givr him in baby steps. For the first week, I'll call him Cocoa to get him acclimated.

LUKE

Acclimated.

LORELAI

Second week, I'm gonna call him Cokey. Third week "Kooky". Fourth week "Tooky".

LUKE

So, you're gonna name him Tooky?

LORELAI

No. I'm gonna name him Paul Anka, but it's gonna take a while to get to Paul Anka.

LUKE

Yeah, I'd say so.

LORELAI

(gets up from the table) And, you know, this little guy has already taught me something I didn't know! Just because they make it for a dog doesn't mean a dog is gonna like it. Toys, including squeakies (picks up a toy and squeezes it, makes a sound) and the "whazzup" variety (picks up another toy that looks like a monkey, squeezes it and it says "whazzup?"): No interest. Rawhide bones: no interest. Popcorn: scared of it.

LUKE

Scared of popcorn?

LORELAI

Yeah, and also of tissue holders, paperbacks, cds, framed pictures, and lint. Oh! And when I drink something, he gets freaked out like I'm gonna die, and I have to pick him up and rock him like a baby until he calms down. It's been quite a first day for us.

LUKE

Look, should I ask the question that immediately came to mind when I first saw the thing, or should I just shut up?

LORELAI

No. Shoot.

LUKE

Is it okay for you to...

LORELAI

(cuts Luke off)... That hamster was defective. Period. Plus, they only live like three years, I looked it up. And... and... and he would have been dead by now anyway. So, world, stop with the hamster already.

LUKE

But the turtle...

LORELAI

(cuts him off again) The same thing with the turtle.

LUKE

Yeah, but they live to be 90.

LORELAI

I will take care of this dog. I promise. Now, would you like a beer?

LUKE

Sure.

LORELAI

OK. Just distract him while I'm drinking. And don't let him see the (whispers) bottle opener. (they walk to the kitchen. PA is left in the living room)

LUKE

How much did you spend on all this?

LORELAI

Tons. (gets two beers out of the fridge and gives one to Luke)

LUKE

For a stupid dog.

LORELAI

You're acting like you don't like dogs.

LUKE

I don't like dogs.

LORELAI

(PA enters the kitchen) Shh! He heard you.

LUKE

He speaks English?

LORELAI

Since when do you not like dogs?

LUKE

Since all the times I made that really, really clear, which is every time I've ever been around a dog.

LORELAI

What is there not to like about dogs?

LUKE

(sits at the table. Lorelai puts some food for PA) They're dirty, they're a pain to train, they're a pain to wash, they bark when they shouldn't, they jump on you when you don't want them to, they chew things, they shed, they lick themselves, they make your house smell, they make your car smell, and they make you smell.

LORELAI

(sighs and joins him at the table) You know I think it's very sad that you've lost the little boy in you.

LUKE

The little boy didn't like dogs, either.

LORELAI

Oh! You know. I just realized what this is. This is our thing.

LUKE

What thing?

LORELAI

This tradition of ours. You claim to hate everything at first, but it's just your initial stance in a negotiation. And then we talk, and our opinions merge, and we find a happy middle.

LUKE

No. A lot of times, it's just how I feel, and my mind doesn't change.(PA goes over to his food bowl)

LORELAI

OK, oh! he's eating. Come on, let's go! (she gets up and gestures Luke to follow) But don't make any sudden movements, and don't drink and don't look at him. He's very self-conscious about his eating. I'm the same way. That's how I know this is gonna work! Go! Go, go, go! (they exit the kitchen and stare at PA while he's eating through the kitchen door window)

LUKE

You do realize your dog has just driven us out of the house?

LORELAI

Don't worry. He's a quick eater. Come on. (they start walking)

LORELAI

Shh.

LUKE

This is silly.

LORELAI

What? We can hang out here. It's a nice night. (they sit on the couch on the porch) Okay. Now, fill me in. How was your day?

LUKE

Well, I talked to some contractors about the Twickham House.

LORELAI

Oh, yeah?

LUKE

As soon as we make the offer, they'll let us in. We can start planning stuff. Remodelling, whatever.

LORELAI

Good.

LUKE

And as soon as we're out of escrow, we can start work.

LORELAI

Cool. Excellent.

LUKE

I was thinking we could even pull the crew over here. Do some quick touch-ups before selling.

LORELAI

Wait. Touch-ups? Where? Here?

LUKE

Yeah. It hasn't been painted in a while. Fixing it up will help it sell.

LORELAI

Right. You know, I've been thinking?

LUKE

What?

LORELAI

Maybe... we should... hang on to this house.

LUKE

To rent?

LORELAI

No! Not to rent. To use... in some other way.

LUKE

What other way?

LORELAI

Uh... I don't know. we... It could be, like, a paint studio.

LUKE

We don't paint.

LORELAI

Well, maybe we'll start. Maybe it's the lack of a studio that's kept us from realizing our love of watercolours.

LUKE

I don't have a love of watercolours.

LORELAI

Or I could use it as my recording studio. That would be cool, huh? And when I'm not laying down tracks, I could rent it out to Korn or Iggy Pop or someone. Right? You and me just hanging with Iggy Pop, rocking out, telling stories. Ig's got stories!

LUKE

(understanding drawing on him) Uh-huh.

LORELAI

Or we could use it as a safe house, in case we decide to take up a life of crime. (through the window PA walks up on the staircase and lies down)

LUKE

I doubt we're going to do that.

LORELAI

Well, we could be wrongly accused of a crime we did not commit. And then we'd have to hide out until society realized the mistake, and then we'd be like, "Hey, no hard feelings. It happens. This is a great country, and thank god we had the safe house."

LUKE

If you want, we can just hang on to it and rent it out.

LORELAI

I don't want anyone else living in it.

LUKE

They can't live in it, but they can record songs in it?

LORELAI

I just think we could use this place. Think about it, OK?

LUKE

Yeah, sure. We'll think about it.

LORELAI

OK. (looks around into the living room and gasps) Oh, look, he's done. And he's in there fast asleep.

LUKE

Great! Let's go back in.

LORELAI

OK. Just be careful because he gets scared when you wake him up.

LUKE

Of course.

LORELAI

OK. (they start walking back to the house) Oh, and try not to say any words that begin with the letter "Q".

RORY

Hi. I got your note.

EMILY

Come in, dear.

RICHARD

We just wanted to speak to you for a minute.

EMILY

Sit, sit. (Rory sits on one of the couches)

RICHARD

We have a club soda all ready for you here.

EMILY

Is that all right? We can make you something else.

RORY

No, that's fine. My drink of choice, thank you. (Rory drinks, Emily & Richard stare at her. He hear a grandfather clock ticking in the backround. Rory seems a bit uncomfortable) Refreshing!

RICHARD

Now, you said something before about wanting a job.

RORY

Yes!

RICHARD

You're low on money, and I know you'd prefer to earn it rather than be given it... You're a Gilmore.

RORY

Mmhuh.

RICHARD

Your grandmother and I are ready to help you with that.

RORY

With a job?

RICHARD

That's right.

RORY

Well, um, the job thing was before my court thing. 300 hours of community service in 6 months... it's a full-time job in itself, which kind of limits my options as far as work.

EMILY

That's where we come in. We can swing a couple of options for you that it'll give you the flexibility you need.

RORY

Really?

RICHARD

There are all sorts of things out there for a bright girl such as yourself. They'll bend their schedules for you.

EMILY

I'll make some appointments and let you know what they are.

RORY

All right. Well, thank you. Thank you very much. (a new maid enters with a tray)

EMILY

Have you met Draguta? She's from Romania.

RORY

Hi. (the maid looks at Rory in a stern manner and walks away, Rory is taken aback)

LORELAI

That's right. I forgot. You don't like the stairs. Come on, Paul Anka. That's right. I'm skipping the fancy in-between thing and going straight for the gold. I'm calling you Paul Anka. Paul Anka the dog. (Lorelai walks off the screen with the dog in her arms. PA barks aggressively) You don't like mail boxes, got it!

RORY

Oh, excuse me.

EMILY

Rory, what a coincidence. We were just talking about you earlier.

RORY

You were?

EMILY

Come in. Sit with us for a minute.

DAR LADY1

This is Rory?

NORA

She's made of porcelain.

RORY

Uh... I didn't mean to interrupt.

DAR LADY2

Beautiful skin. (Rory walks towards the ladies and sits on chair next to Emily)

DAR LADY3

Like one of your lladros.

NORA

I want to miniaturize her and set her on my mantel.

EMILY

You've interrupted nothing.

DAR LADY3

Nora was just defending her choice.

RORY

Her choice?

EMILY

Cover your ears, Rory.

NORA

It's Alexander Hamilton, no debate.

DAR LADY3

Over Washington.

NORA

Direct, proud. That chin and those blazing eyes.

EMILY

They're discussing the forefathers.

DAR LADY1

Choosing, to be more accurate.

RORY

Which was the greatest?

NORA

Lover.

RORY

Oh, dear.

EMILY

Girls, please. She's just a child.

DAR LADY3

Most of us picked Washington or Jefferson. There was one vote for James Madison.

EMILY

Two abstentions.

NORA

And I chose the stud on the 10.

EMILY

It's the drinks. I have to start watering them down.

DAR LADY1

So, we finally meet the famous Rory.

RORY

I'm famous?

EMILY

You're wanted.

DAR LADY3

She's perfect for us.

RORY

For what?

EMILY

A job's opened up at our DAR Office downtown.

NORA

We need someone smart, sharp-looking.

DAR LADY1

And the hours are extremely flexible.

EMILY

It just fell out of the sky into our laps. Isn't that something?

RORY

Yes.

EMILY

You can even work from home occasionally. It's mostly phone work.

NORA

You'd be perfect for us.

RORY

Well, thank you all for thinking of me. And, yes, it does sound perfect.

EMILY

Good.

DAR LADY3

When did you join, Rory?

RORY

Join?

DAR LADY3

The DAR.

RORY

Oh, um... well, I haven't.

EMILY

Yet.

DAR LADY1

She'd have to join to work in the office.

RORY

Oh.

NORA

Don't worry. The term "shoo-in" was coined for a figurine like you.

EMILY

Don't worry. The paperwork's all filled out and ready. It's a formality.

NORA

Do you not eat? Do you not drink? The Irish coffee is astounding.

EMILY

Oh, yes. Rory, our meeting's done. We're just gabbing. Go change and join us.

NORA

And be thinking of the forefather you fancy.

RORY

Well, um, I... I can't.

EMILY

Why not?

RORY

Uh, because I have my, um...

EMILY

Your... ?

RORY

(gestures with her head) My thing.

EMILY

Your thing.

RORY

Um... (leans towards Emily and whispers in her ear) my community service. You were supposed to drive me.

EMILY

Oh, yes. Ladies, I'm sorry. Rory and I have a little outing, and we were having so much filthy fun I forgot the time. (the ladies get up and start to leave)

DAR LADY1

Doing a little shopping, Emily?

EMILY

Something like that.

DAR LADY1

Well, have fun.

DAR LADY3

Lovely gathering, Emily.

EMILY

Thank you, girls.

NORA

(to Rory) Oh, you're going to match the drapes in our office perfectly. (she exits)

LORELAI

Come on, boy. Jump out. (PA jumps out of the car) Good boy. Not afraid of jumping. That's something. (as she starts walking towards the house she notices a man standing outside her bedroom window on the roof) Uh, excuse me.

GEAORGE

Hello.

LORELAI

Hello. I'm Lorelai, the owner of the house you're standing on.

GEARGE

I'm George.

LORELAI

Hi, George. I'm just trying to think of how to ask this in a polite way. Um, are you committing some sort of crime?

GEORGE

No.

LORELAI

But if you were, would you tell me? (another man walks out to the porch from inside the house) Hello.

SAUL

Howdy.

LORELAI

(to herself) Fight or flight? Fight or flight?

LUKE

Hey!

LORELAI

(Luke joins George up on the roof) Luke!

LUKE

This is George.

LORELAI

Oh, we've met.

SAUL

And I'm Saul.

LORELAI

Hi, Saul.

LUKE

(to George) Get what you need?

GEORGE

Just about. Saul, you get what you need?

SAUL

Just about.

LORELAI

Wow. I was this close to screaming and siccing the dog on you. (turns to point at PA, who is now in the car with the door closed) How did you get the door closed?

LUKE

We're just about done.

LORELAI

Wha... Done with what?

LUKE

Sizing the situation.

LORELAI

What situation?

LUKE

About how many silent joists we need to carry out.

LORELAI

What's a joist?

LUKE

The things that support the load.

LORELAI

What load?

LUKE

The load from the extension.

LORELAI

Okay, this has officially become the worst first draft of "Who's on first?" in history.

LUKE

It's about enlarging the bedroom. To live here.

LORELAI

Here? You wanna live here?

LUKE

Sure. I don't have a lot of stuff. We just need a little more closet space. A bigger bathroom, bigger bedroom.

LORELAI

I always wanted a bigger bedroom.

LUKE

Well, looks like we can do it.

LORELAI

But what about the Twickham House?

LUKE

Too damn big. We can get along fine here for a while. Maybe forever. It's a great house. You love this house.

LORELAI

I do love this house.

LUKE

I know. I figured that out from your sudden interest in laying down tracks and becoming a painter.

LORELAI

Come down here so I can kiss you. All of you.

LUKE

We'll just be a minute.

LORELAI

(walks back to the car to get PA. As she reaches to open the door) You locked the door? Dude, come on! I mean, I've got the key, but I'm really curious how you did this.

EMILY

Let's see what else. "When you're eating in the mess hall, never reach across the prisoner next to you". It's a provocation. It'll get you a fork in your hand.

RORY

I don't think there's going to be a mess hall.

EMILY

Well, wherever you're eating, that would apply. What else? "Don't be arrogant". But you're not arrogant. "Don't let anyone give you anything or lend you anything, period. It can get you injured, or killed or turned out". I'm not sure what "turned out" means, but they're very careful to warn you off it.

RORY

Got it.

EMILY

Now, "if somebody approaches you with a shiv... "

RORY

Do you know what a shiv is, grandma?

EMILY

No, what is it?

RORY

It's like a crude knife, carved from a soda can.

EMILY

Oh!... that must be why they advise you to "yell for a hack to come help you." What's a hack?

RORY

Where did you get this, grandma?

EMILY

I had your grandfather's secretary find me info on interacting with fellow prisoners.

RORY

But we're not prisoners. We're just doing community service.

EMILY

(eyeing the rest of the people of the Community Service) They look like prisoners.

RORY

Well, you know, sitting here in the jag staring at them is probably not going to help my popularity.

EMILY

Oh, you're right. That's on the list, too. Staring: it's bad. You shouldn't do it for more than one or two seconds.

RORY

I won't.

EMILY

And they really emphasize that you should "keep your fight face at home". I'm guessing that's any sort of aggressive expression, whether you're staring at the person or not. Fight face... remember that.

RORY

Okay. I'll be fine, Grandma. Thanks for driving me.

EMILY

Wait. (gives Rory a fancy paper bag, probably with Ror's lunch) Here. That's better than a paper bag.

RORY

(looking at it in a weird way) Yes, it is.

EMILY

Oh, and here. (gives Rory a pack of cigarettes)

RORY

Cigarettes?

EMILY

To barter. It's currency to these people.

RORY

Thank you, Grandma. I'll call you when I'm done.

EMILY

Bye, now. And remember, don't stare.

RORY

(uncomfortable offers the pack of cigarettes) Anyone want a smoke?

GEORGE

Then you've got to decide on your extras. We can slap up some molding.

LUKE

Yeah, molding's good. Lorelai'll like that.

LIZ

She will. She will like that.

LUKE

(stares at Liz for a beat) Let's figure on molding of some kind.

GEORGE

Good.

LIZ

Good.

GEORGE

We can add a wainscot, too. And we could do a lugged architrave on the overdoor.

LUKE

Great!

LIZ

Oh! I love a lugged architrave.

LUKE

(frustrated) Liz.

LIZ

(turns to Luke & George's table) Oh, hi. (extends a greeting hand to George) I'm Liz.

LUKE

My sister.

GEORGE

Hi, Liz.

LIZ

You're an architect, huh?

GEORGE

Yep.

LIZ

How long have you been an architect?

LUKE

This is not your interview, Liz.

LIZ

Oh, I'm buttoning it now. I'm sorry.

GEORGE

I need to go anyway, Luke. (Luke and George stand up. George starts gathering his things)

LUKE

What's your time frame here, George?

LUKE

It's going to take me at least two weeks to draw up a plan. I'll keep you posted.

LUKE

Good deal. (the men shake hands)

LIZ

(pats George on the back as he's exiting the diner) Good deal, George.

LUKE

(to George as he's leaving) I'll talk to you later. (to Liz) What is wrong with you?

LIZ

Whaaa... I'm just excited about all this. A new adventure!

LUKE

(walks behind the counter, Liz follows him) But it's not your adventure. It's my adventure. You're in the employee section.

LIZ

I want to talk to you about something, Luke.

LUKE

You've done nothing but talk since you got here. Why announce it now?

LIZ

You're going to need a contractor for your remodel, right?

LUKE

Yes.

LIZ

And you know who I'm married to.

LUKE

Yes.

LIZ

He'd be perfect for this!

LUKE

TJ? He's not a contractor.

LIZ

Oh, but he is.

LUKE

Since when?

LIZ

Since he almost passed the test for his contractor's license last month. I mean, he was so close. If he hadn't used all those curse words during the written exam, he'd have had it.

LUKE

He used curse words?

LIZ

When he's enthusiastic about something, he gets very foul. But I blame his mother. She has got a mouth on her. Garbage mouth!

LUKE

I don't think he can do the job, Liz. (he walks to a table to clean it up. Liz follows him around)

LIZ

Oh, but, my brother, he's working so hard for his license. You should see him! It is so cute. He sits up in bed at night poring through his books and his manuals. He's got this system where he reads a chapter then rewards himself with a junior mint. It's been working great for him.

LUKE

There is no way in the world that he is getting this job, Liz.

LIZ

But what about the shelves he made you? I thought you liked them.

LUKE

They're just shelves.

LIZ

Oh, what happened to the little boy in you?

LUKE

Look, the shelves are nice, but this is a big job. Lorelai loves this house. This is a great house. (he walks back behind the counter, Liz follows him yet again)

LIZ

Luke, his life depends on it.

LIZ

How?

LUKE

Because if he doesn't get his ass out of the house and work more... I'm gonna kill him.

LUKE

There's a housing boom out there. There's plenty of work for a good carpenter like TJ.

LIZ

But every time he interviews for jobs, he starts cursing. He can't help it. People mistake it for him being weird or something.

LUKE

Imagine that.

LIZ

Please, big brother! For your little sister.

LUKE

Liz!

LIZ

Just don't say "No", OK? Just think about it.

LUKE

I don't need to think about it.

LIZ

For me! Think about it.

LUKE

OK! Fine! I won't say "No" for the time being.

LIZ

Yes! Thank you. That's all I needed was a big fat "Not a 'No'".

LUKE

Whatever. (Liz sits on a stool at the counter and stares at Luke. Luke looks at her and walks away)

RORY

Sorry! (Takes the piece of paper she just stabed and trows it back down. The guy picks it up. Rory backs up and bumps onto another girl from the Community Service) OH!

LIZA

(to Rory) Watch it. (walks away)

RORY

(to Liza) Sorry! (continues to pick up trash)

LUKE

(taking order) So, it's an omelette, side of bacon...

CUSTOMER

What kind of cheese do you have?

LUKE

I've got your basics: swiss, cheddar, jack... (Lorelai enters, and grabs Luke's hand and starts dragging him out of the diner)Hey, what? What? Hey. Lorelai, what are you doing?

LUKE

Lorelai? This is weird, okay? I... Come on, what's wrong? Lorelai, say something. (they reach the front of the house)

LORELAI

(pointing at the hole) Hole!

LUKE

How... ?

LORELAI

Hole!

LUKE

... it...

LORELAI

Hole!

LUKE

I know it's a hole. How did it happen?

LORELAI

Dirt!

LUKE

What?

LORELAI

Dirt, bed! Dirt, hole!

LUKE

OK, speak in sentences, come on. You... you found this when you got home.

LORELAI

Yes, a big hole!

LUKE

It was sledgehammered.

LORELAI

With a very big sledgehammer.

LUKE

God, who would... (realisation drawing on him) Oh, my god.

LORELAI

What?

LUKE

(mad) Him.

LORELAI

Who?

LUKE

Him.

LORELAI

What him?

LUKE

(deathly whisper) Kill.

LORELAI

Kill who?

LUKE

TJ!

LORELAI

TJ did this?

LUKE

Who else?!

LORELAI

What do you mean, "Who else"? Why would TJ come over to my house and sledgehammer my bedroom?

LUKE

Damn it, Liz!

LORELAI

What did Liz do?

LUKE

Ah, she worked me over. She begged me to hire TJ as the contractor on the remodel.

LORELAI

TJ's a contractor?

LUKE

No, and I said "No"! But she made me promise to think about it. And then she sat in the diner staring at me, and then she started to cry, so I kicked her out. And then she went outside and cried and so I could see it through the window. And I couldn't take it anymore, so I said, "OK", knowing we had weeks to figure out how to get out of it. And no work could be done 'cause George hadn't made up the plans. And, in the meantime, TJ could've changed occupations or injured himself bouncing up and down on his trampoline and backed out of the job.

LORELAI

But how could you risk saying "oK" to anything with TJ?

LUKE

Did I mention the crying? Liz is a walking tear duct. Oh, TJ's good! You never see what's coming. Like a big, dumb tsunami. He's that good!

LORELAI

So, what do we do?

LUKE

I'm gonna talk to TJ, but I'm gonna be smart about it, I'm not gonna spook him. I'm gonna be like Michael Corleone dealing with that slimy brother-in-law of his. Get a couple of tickets to a ball game, invite him along. And we'll talk about the beer and the hot dogs we're gonna eat. And then I'm gonna get him to admit that he did this. And then when we get in the car on the way to the ball park, I'm gonna put a rope around his neck and pull it till he's (pulls an imaginary rope) Dead!

LORELAI

Wait, Wait! You're in the backseat?

LUKE

Yeah! That's the best for garroting. Yes!

LORELAI

No, he's gonna smell something fishy if you hop in the backseat especially if you're driving.

LUKE

No, he's not that bright. It'll work!

LORELAI

Why are you even buying the tickets? You could just sneak up on him and garrote him on the street. Save you the money.

LUKE

I can still go to the game the other way! I'll take my friend Ed. He hasn't been to a game in ages.

LORELAI

Yeah, you're in no state to deal with TJ right now.

LUKE

Maybe not.

LORELAI

And we need to do something about the fact that my bedroom is on display for all to see.

LUKE

I know.

LORELAI

So, let's figure out what we need to deal with the hole. First things first.

LUKE

(they start walking towards the house) You're right. We need tarp.

LORELAI

Tarp.

LUKE

And some plywood.

LORELAI

Plywood.

LUKE

Staple gun.

LORELAI

Staple gun.

LUKE

And rope.

LORELAI

You're not garroting TJ.

LUKE

Skip the rope.

LORELAI

No rope.

LUKE

I'm sorry.

LORELAI

It's not your fault.

LUKE

Eh... I'm dumb.

LORELAI

No, you're not.

LUKE

I'm gonna kill him!

LORELAI

No, you're not!

LUKE

Goodnight, see you again. (he walks over to the counter and starts working on the bills. The diner door opens) Sorry. Kitchen's closed. (turns around and sees Rory at the door) Rory!

RORY

Hi, Luke.

LUKE

Hi.

RORY

So, kitchen's closed.

LUKE

No, no, no! It's not closed. Come on in. (he goes behind the counter to get the coffee pot and a cup, Rory sits on a stool at the counter)

RORY

(Luke starts pouring coffee) Oh!

LUKE

Oh, no. I... I just... I figured.

RORY

No! Yes! You figured right, thank you! (Luke fills up the cup) So, it looks like the town's been doing a little painting.

LUKE

Yeah, Taylor wanted to spiff it up. Those are his words. Put these obnoxious signs up. "Pardon our spiff, it'll just take a jiff". It's dumb.

RORY

Yeah! Dumb.

LUKE

But it... it needed a... spiff.

RORY

Yeah, it looks good. So, I started my community service.

LUKE

Right!

RORY

A little roadwork. Vest and all. 5 hours down, 295 to go.

LUKE

It's good you're chipping away at it.

RORY

Yeah.

LUKE

Yeah...

RORY

So... how are people? Are people good?

LUKE

Yeah, people are good. People are, uh... (Looks uncomfortable and sighs) Your mom and I are engaged.

RORY

Engaged?

LUKE

(nods) Yeah.

RORY

Wow. (holding back tears) Congratulations!

LUKE

Thanks.

RORY

So, I guess I'm gonna go. (gets up from the stool) Um... thank you, for the coffee. (exits the diner. Luke looks miserable)

LORELAI

TJ.

TJ

Lorelai, hey. Am I glad to see you.

LORELAI

It's like seven a.m., TJ.

TJ

I know the sun ain't even warm yet, and here we are toting that barge. Mr. Taskmaster.

LORELAI

Who? Who has got you toting a barge?

TJ

Look. I need to explain my side in the whole hole thing here. It wasn't my fault.

LORELAI

It wasn't?

TJ

A guy says "OK", that means something to me. You know what it means? It's not so complicated, not like the TV guide or nothing. It means "OK".

LORELAI

It's really early, TJ.

LORELAI

Anyway. I just don't want you to be mad at me. We're gonna be related, you and me.

LORELAI

Well, I'm not mad at you, TJ.

LUKE FROM OS

Hey, get away from her.

TJ

We're just talking.

LUKE

(from on the roof) TJ, stop bothering her, and get up here.

TJ

You want me to bring up a couple more trash bags? I'm figuring we need some.

LUKE

OK. Fine.

TJ

Now, is that OK in the sense that I know that word, Or is that a "Luke OK" that can mean whatever you want it to mean?

LUKE

Just get up here.

TJ

He knew I was a self-starter. OK to a self-starter is like glue to a horse. What else can you do but start galloping? (climbs the ladder to the top of the roof)

LORELAI

Hey, Luke?

LUKE

Yeah.

LORELAI

Are you aware of the time?

LUKE

I'm just trying to make it so you don't have to sleep on the couch for the next three months. If you want us to stop, we'll stop.

LORELAI

No, it's just... the sun ain't even warm yet.

TJ

Seven a.m. was Luke's idea. I'd have started at nine so as not to bother people. That's just one guy who thinks that OK means OK's opinion.

LUKE

Would you just keep working?

LORELAI

So, maybe tomorrow, if you're still doing this, it could be eight... ish. I mean, I love that you're doing it, but...

LUKE

Yeah, I needed to start early so I could get this done. Man!

LORELAI

Hey! What's with the 'tude?

LUKE

Nothing. It's just... You know you got a frisbee up here?

LORELAI

A what?

LUKE

A frisbee. Just sitting up here! I mean what are you thinking with that?!

LORELAI

It's not my frisbee.

LUKE

So it just walked up here on its own?

LORELAI

Luke, there is a lost frisbee on the roof of every suburban home in America. No less a luminary than Garrison Keillor said that. It's not that big a deal.

LUKE

Every roof, huh? Well, that's a great use of plastic.

LORELAI

It's not my frisbee. I've never played frisbee. What the hell has gotten into you?

LUKE

I told Rory we were engaged.

LORELAI

What?! How? Where?

LUKE

She came into the diner last night. It was awkward and stupid. I ended up telling her we were engaged.

LORELAI

Why?! Why would you do that?

LUKE

Why? Because she had the face.

LORELAI

What face?

LUKE

The Rory face. You know the face.

LORELAI

Yes, but, Luke, you have to ignore the Rory face.

LUKE

That's easy for you to say.

LORELAI

You shouldn't have told her.

LORELAI

Yeah, you should've told her!

LORELAI

NO! She shouldn't have been told anything. So neither of us should've told her.

LUKE

But if one of us isn't gonna tell her more, then I'm the one that shouldn't.

LORELAI

Right. Meaning not you. I should've told her.

LUKE

Then we're in full agreement. You should've told her.

LORELAI

No! That's not what I'm saying.

LUKE

Well you said it, and I agreed, so I win.

LORELAI

How do you win?

LUKE

Because I have the high ground. That gives me the upper hand on anything you got.

LORELAI

Luke.

TJ

(holding up a drill) Something's wrong with this thing.

LUKE

There's nothing wrong with that thing! (picks up the frizbee)

LORELAI

Luke! Rory started this. And right now we're not talking. Remember, tough love? I'm on a path here.

LUKE

She would've seen it in the paper eventually.

LORELAI

Seen what?

LORELAI

Our engagement.

LORELAI

How would it have ended up in the paper?

LUKE

I don't know. She'd open up the paper to the back to one of these stupid pictures of a guy and a girl. Bill's a chiropractor. Nancy's a teacher. They met square dancing. They're on their honeymoon in Florida. And they got these smiles on their faces like their lives are gonna work out the way they dreamt or something... suckers! Those things.

LORELAI

You played right into her hands. You can't do that. She can't just play on our emotions. She has to undo what she's done. Get out of my parents' house. Go back to school.

LUKE

Fine! Maybe I shouldn't have told her anything. Maybe I should've kicked her out, ignored her, whatever! But you got to understand something: I'm in the middle! Yeah, she's your daughter, but I'm in the middle!

LORELAI

(apologetic) I know. You are in the middle.

LUKE

Good! Because you've been acting like you don't know, like you're alone in this or something.

LORELAI

I know.

LUKE

And I know you don't want my opinion on this, but you're both being dumb, and you should be talking. There. I won't say anything more about any of this again ever. (TJ seems to be having a hard time with the drill, Luke approaches him) TJ. the screw's not going in right 'cause you got the drill on counterclockwise. It's righty-tighty, lefty-loosey.

TJ

I've got to remember that.

LUKE

Ugh. (to Lorelai) Right! I got to get back to work. We're gonna be done with what we're doing here today. We won't be here tomorrow.

LORELAI

Luke?

LUKE

We're okay.

LORELAI

Good. (Luke throws the frisbee at her. Lorelai catches it)

LUKE

Nice catch. (Lorelai looks pleased)

TJ

Yes! That's what I'm talking about. Righty-tighty! (Luke takes the drill from TJ)

ROAD SUPERVISOR

OK guys ten minutes for lunch.

ROAD SUPERVISOR

Whoa, whoa! Break it up! Come on! Break it up!

RORY

Yes, sir.

ROAD SUPERVISOR

What's the problem?

RORY

We're gonna need another thing of bags for this next stretch.

RORY

Thanks for nothing.

LORELAI

(to Rory) Repaying your debt to society, I assume.

RORY

That's what this is.

LORELAI

System already hardened you?

RORY

So, I guess congratulations are in order.

LORELAI

So, how are things at the new digs?

RORY

You guys set a date yet?

LORELAI

Grandma redecorate the pool house yet?

RORY

Be sure to send me a picture.

LORELAI

Be sure to send me a change-of-address card. Grandma can print them out for you, with a little fleur-de-lis.

RORY

I'm not supposed to be talking to outsiders.

LORELAI

Fine. (turns around and walks away)

RORY

You and Luke getting engaged and not telling me about it. You hurt me.

LORELAI

Back at you