T6E1: “New and Improved Lorelai”

LORELAI

Luke, will you marry me?

LUKE

What?

LORELAI

Luke will you...

LUKE

Yes!

LORELAI

Well, you don't have to answer so...

LUKE

Yes!

LORELAI

We can take a minute to...

LUKE

No!

LORELAI

So... what now?

LUKE

I don't know. This is new for me.

LORELAI

We should do something official.

LUKE

Official...

LORELAI

Yeah! Something to commemorate the moment. I mean we're getting married (Lorelai rises from her chair), Luke. Married. You and me... Luke-table-for-one-Danes and Lorelai-I'm-sorry-can-I-get-an-industrial-forklift-for-my-emotional-baggage-Gilmore are getting (deep breath) married. Uh?

LUKE

(after a beat) We could toast.

LORELAI

Toast! Yes! Toast, good. What do we toast with? (Luke looks around) I mean I know you won't have champagne (Luke goes in the kitchen) but maybe some wine or bear or something?

LUKE

Nothing. I got nothing!

LORELAI

No, you must have something.

LUKE

Grapefruit juice or Worcestershire sauce

LORELAI

Neither sounds very festive.

LUKE

We can cut it with some festive ketchup

LORELAI

No, we need something sparkly! (after a beat) Come on (she grabs his arm and starts dragging him to the door)

LUKE

Where are we going?

LORELAI

To Funkytown

LUKE

Hey! Wait! (they stop in front of the door)

LORELAI

What? Did you change your mind? Oh! How did I screw up so fast! Was the Funkytown thing too quippy, cause I thought you liked that about me but...

LUKE

No, the Funkytown thing was fine! I just... Are you sure you wan to celebrate now? I mean a minute ago when you came in here...

LORELAI

I just want to be happy right now. Okay?

LUKE

Okay.

LORELAI

Good! Come on!

LUKE

where are we going? (they exit the diner)

KIRK

(to biker) Hey, am I doing this right?

BIKER1

What?

KIRK

Never mind.

TAYLOR

That?s great grandpa! Take your time, I have no home life! (Taylor looks at his watch) Six hours I've been standing here waiting for this ridiculous race to end! OK! That?s it! Race is OVER! (to woman standing behind the trophy table) Maggie I want you to start breaking all this stuff down. If I don't get these tables back by midnight I pay for another day.

MAGGIE

But we haven't given out the trophies to the winners yet!

TAYLOR

Who cares about giving out the trophies? There's noone here to see the winners get them except the losers, who I'm sure could give a rat's toushy if the winners get a trophy or not.

MAGGIE

OK. So do I put them back in the bubble rap... ?

TAYLOR

(takes trophy out of Maggie?s hand) Just give it to me! Hey who was first?

BIKER2

(rises hand) Here.

TAYLOR

Congratulations (throws the trophy at him)! Who's second?

BIKER3

(gets up from a bench) Right here.

TAYLOR

(throws the trophy at him also) Here! Third? (throws the trophy to a random biker)

RANDOM BIKER

I wasn't third?

TAYLOR

Rat's toushy, party of one. OK, everybody listen up. I want this square packer up and cleared out in 10 minutes! (looks over at Dosee's Market. Luke & Lorelai are standing in front of the door. Taylor yells at them) Hey we're closed! The market is closed! What is wrong with people tonight?

LUKE

It's closed!

LORELAI

Huh! These small town hours! I hate small town hours! As soon as we get married we have to move.

TAYLOR

Hey you two, what are you doing there?

LORELAI

Taylor, great! We need to get in.

TAYLOR

We open at six tomorrow.

LORELAI

OK, Taylor listen. You're going to be the first one to hear the big news.

TAYLOR

Do I have to hear it now? I have so many things to do...

LORELAI

Luke and I are engaged. (Luke puts his arm over Lorelai's shoulder and starts rubbing her back gently)

TAYLOR

You are?

LORELAI

As of just a few minutes ago.

TAYLOR

Well what do you know! I thought there was a better chance of all four of the Beatles getting back together than you two ever coming down enough to get engaged.

LORELAI

Oh well... Wonder of wonder, Miracle of miracles. Right? (Lorelai starts pointing to the door anxiously)

LUKE

Can you just open this door Taylor?

TAYLOR

What do you need in the store?

LORELAI

We need something to toast this moment with.

TAYLOR

Something alcoholic?

LORELAI

Yes!

TAYLOR

You know, Lorelai, if you feel you have to be drunk to be with him maybe...

LUKE

(frustrated) Taylor will you just open the door?

TAYLOR

Oh, all right. (Taylor gets his keys out unlocks the door and lets them in)

LORELAI

Where do you keep the champagne?

TAYLOR

(points at an aisle) Over there. Top shelf.

LORELAI

Where? (moves where he's pointed)

TAYLOR

Top shelf, top shelf!

LORELAI

Here?

TAYLOR

Well I'm out of ways of saying top shelf Lorelai.

LORELAI

Taylor, its 5.99!

TAYLOR

It's inexpensive, yes, but you'll still get a buzz!

LORELAI

Luke did you find anything yet?

LUKE

Nothing! No wine, no beer, no cooking sherry! It's like Dylan Thomas just blew through town.

TAYLOR

I'm sorry. These bikers just wiped me out. They may look like health nuts, but they knock it back.

LORELAI

Oh, Taylor, you have to have something!

TAYLOR

Lorelai I'm sorry but... ooooohhh wait a minute! I think I have a case of Zima in the back (goes to the storage room)

LORELAI

(very excited starts jumping up and down) Really? Luke! He's got Zima in the back! He's got Zima in the back! (Luke puts a calming had on her arm)

TAYLOR

Yup! (Taylor comes out from the storage room holding up a case) Babette had me stocking it for a while. I was using it for a step stool, but I'm sure it's OK.

LORELAI

We'll take it!

LUKE

Let's just drive to Woodbridge. They have a liquor barn there.

LORELAI

NO! I don't want to drive to Woodbridge. I want to celebrate now.

LUKE

But men aren't supposed to drink Zima.

LORELAI

Pay the man.

TAYLOR

You can forget the tax. Consider it an engagement present. (Luke drops some cash on the case of Zima)

LORELAI

Thank you Taylor. (to Luke) Come on, get the Zima! (Lorelai stats to leave, Luke takes the case from Taylor, Taylor takes the cash of the box. They start moving to the door)

TAYLOR

Get those cables on the truck. Hustle, people! Hustle!

LUKE

where are you going?

LORELAI

I know the perfect toasting place.

LUKE

Is it far?

LORELAI

Which one of us is not getting into the romantic spirit?

LUKE

The one with the case full of chick beer under his arm.

LORELAI

Shoo! Shoo! Come on, Shoo!

LORELAI

Here!

LUKE

Right here?

LORELAI

Right here!

LUKE

Oookay! (he puts the case down, and gets two bottles of Zima out. Hands one to Lorelai)

LORELAI

OK! So, Here's to us.

LUKE

To us!

LORELAI

TAYLOR!

TAYLOR

The light guys go on golden time in five minutes!

LUKE

Taylor turn the light back on!

TAYLOR

Well fine! Apparently there's an oil well in the middle of Stars Hollow that no one told me about. Turn them back on Bugsy!

LORELAI

OK! I believe we were right about... (they cling their bottles) there. (they drink. Luke puts his hand on Lorelai's waist and starts to pull her in) Really? You're gonna kiss me now? You're so incredibly predictable.

LORELAI

Was this mattress always this comfortable?

LUKE

I think so.

LORELAI

It feels so much more comfortable. We should drink Zima and have sex every single night.

LUKE

OK.

LORELAI

OK. Goodnight.

LUKE

Night. (Luke waits a beat and starts in full rant mode) So I said "What about the kids?", I didn't mean "What about our kids?". I mean yes obviously "What about *OUR* kids?". But I didn't mean we had to have any kids, cause we don't, but we can, I just didn't want you to think that I was laying down some kind of a mandate, I mean kids it's plural so it sounds like a lot, but we can just have one kid, one's fine, or more if you want more, or we don't have to have any kids. We could just get a plant.

LORELAI

(sleepy) What?

LUKE

Nothing.

LORELAI

OK.

LUKE

I bought a house, Twickham House. I bought it for us, I don't have it any more, I could probably get it back, but I just thought you should know that I bought it. For the kids that we don't have to have. It's a big house and we don't have to fill it up with kids, we could get furniture, you know, go shopping for a couch or get some end tables. I hate shopping for furniture. For me kids are easier.

LORELAI

(still sleepy) I love shopping.

LUKE

Go to sleep.

LORELAI

OK.

LUKE

Is this really happening?

LORELAI

Yes it's really happening. (Luke starts to lie down. Lorelai suddenly is awake) You bought a house without telling me?

LUKE

What?

LORELAI

A house? I mean a house is huge!

LUKE

Yeah, I know that's why I told you.

LORELAI

A house full of kids?

LUKE

And a plant! Don't forget the plant.

LORELAI

Please don't do that, OK? I mean any other address or life changing decisions, please include me in.

LUKE

I will! I am! I'm sorry! I won't! I will.

LORELAI

OK.

LUKE

Sorry.

LORELAI

Kids would be good.

LUKE

All right. Blueberry pancakes scrambled eggs

CUSTOMER WITH THE PANCAKES

I didn't ask for blueberry.

LUKE

Any oxidants are on the house today. Who wants coffee? Aahh! (Luke approaches a table) Here you go Trudy (pours her coffee). Hey, top that off for you Mac? HEy what do you say? Cup'o joe Jo?

BABETTE

Where the hell is he?

PATTY

There! He's right there!

BARBETTE

Get over here you!

PATTY

I can't believe it! (both ladies are very excited they hug Luke and he hugs them back)

BABETTE

You finally did it you dumb son of a bitch! You finally got in there and closed the deal!

PATTY

Took you long enough!

LUKE

All right easy you two (Luke guides them to an empty table and they sit)

PATTY

You know we should be very mad at you.

LUKE

Why?

BABETTE

Because we had to find out from someone else that you and Lorelai are engaged.

PATTY

East Side Tillie (patty does a spitting sound)

BABETTE

She was spreading it around town like she was gonna be a bride's maid or something.

LUKE

Tillie is not going to be a bride's maid.

BABETTE

But it's true. You are engaged, right?

LUKE

Right.

BABETTE

So we want to hear the whole thing!

PATTY

The whole play by play.

BARBETTE

How did't happen?

PATTY

How'd you do it?

LUKE

Do what?

BARBETTE

How'd you propose to Lorelai?

LUKE

Oh... I... well...

BABETTE

Did you get down on one knee?

PATTY

Did you take her somewhere special?

BABETTE

Did you hide the ring in anything?

PATTY

Oh! like a glass of champagne or a canoli.

LUKE

Actually, I'm still working on the ring.

BABETTE

OH! so the proposal was spontaneous, huh?

PATTY

Oh the spontaneous proposals are the best, you know.

BABETTE

Yeah! Morey proposed to me spontaneously. (to Luke) Did I ever tell you the story?

LUKE

Um... No!

BABETTE

It was a brisk fall night, and Morey was on top (Luke reacts), no... wait, I was on top

LUKE

(wierded out) What?

BABETTE

Hold on! Stony Morrison was on top

LUKE

Babette!

BABETTE

We were playing Twister! Did I not mention that?

LUKE

No!

BABETTE

I probably should have

PATTY

Well enough about us, honey. Come on Luke, tell us how'd you do it?

LUKE

Well actually I didn't. Lorelai proposed to me.

BARBETTE & PATTY

(clearly disappointed) Oh... !?

PATTY

You went modern.

BABETTE

Well that's still OK sugar (puts a hand on his arm and starts rubbing it in comforting way). The important thing is you're getting married!

PATTY

(sounding very sorry for him) We're very happy for you Luke.

BABETTE

Yes we are.

PATTY

Yeah!

LUKE

Well thanks (looks a bit uncomfortable), I've got some work to do. I'll talk to you guys later.

PATTY

She proposed...

BABETTE

Yeah. Well thank God he's got a good ass.

LORELAI

(to realtor) Hi

REALTOR

Oh! Hello there!

LORELAI

For sale again, huh?

REALTOR

Yes. We had an offer but the buyer backed out. (whispering) Toxic bachelor type. (back to normal volume) But we think it will move fast. It has all the original fixtures, great lighting, a ton of terrific potential.

LORELAI

Yeah it does.

REALTOR

You interested?

LORELAI

Oh... well, maybe.

REALTOR

(gives Lorelai an advertising flier. Lorelai takes it) It would be a great house for kids.

LORELAI

Oh... Please! Not you too.

REALTOR

I'm sorry, What?

LORELAI

Oh, nothing. Sorry. Thanks!

LORELAI

Hello.

RICHARD

Lorelai! Wonderful! How lucky that I caught you! Now a few things to go over. As you know Rory's court appearance is Tuesday at three. I've retained the services of Charlie Davenport as her attorney. Well you remember Charlie, Lorelai. He bought you a doll for your birthday once. Well he's coming over here tomorrow morning to discuss Rory's case. About eight thirty?

LORELAI

(soundind distant and stand offish) Sounds super.

RICHARD

You know Charlie doesn't usually take small case like this. He's doing the family a great favour.

LORELAI

(same attitude) Charlie sounds like a swell guy.

RICHARD

(starting to get upset) He is a swell guy and a top lawyer. You must remember him?

LORELAI

Sure he bought me a doll for my birthday once.

RICHARD

Well, do you have any questions?

LORELAI

Nope!

RICHARD

I have to say I thought you would have had more interest in this subject than you seem to.

LORELAI

Really? Huh? So is there anything else?

RICHARD

No, there isn't anything else! I just wanted to fill you in! Will we see you tomorrow morning?

LORELAI

For what?

RICHARD

(in the verge of yelling) For the meeting with Charlie Davenport!

LORELAI

(a bit sarcastic) Oh!!!? No! It sounds like you have everything under control.

RICHARD

(now obviously mad with her) Fine! I'll talk to you later!

LORELAI

Tell Charlie thanks for the doll for me!

EMILY

(very brightly) Good morning! You're still sleeping? My goodness, you're young! These are the good days (Emily opens the curtains)! There is plenty of time to sleep when you've gone up a couple of dress sizes. (Rory rubs her eyes) Is it stuffy in here? (Emily opens up more curtains. Rory is about to lay back down but the maid pulls the pillows from under her head) So, let's talk about this room. (Emily picks up some painting samples)Now that you're staying here I thought we could spruce the place up. Individualize it to your taste.

RORY

You don't have to do any...

EMILY

I've been dying to get my hands on this dump for ages. And now I finally have an excuse (pins up a paint sample on a door and looks at it). Huh? Well that?s insane (rips the paper off the door and throws it down. To Rory) You want Hosanna to draw you a bath?

RORY

No.

EMILY

Hosanna, draw Rory a bath please. Hosanna has a pot of coffee for you in the other room. Interested?

RORY

Wow!

EMILY

I brought some fabric samples to flip through.

RORY

The coffee smells amazing!

EMILY

There's cream in the fridge.

RORY

When did you have time to do all this?

EMILY

Oh! It's amazing what you can get done before eight thirty in the morning. Now I've got some things for you. (Emily opens up a small envelope with keys and notes) Key to the pool house, key to the main house, key to the garage (holds up some keys). The security alarm code, the security alarm password, the number of the security company (Emily points the numbers on a small piece of paper). Now the code to the panic room is: 1, 1, 1, 1, 1. Don't write it down. And whatever you do, don't tell the maid. They tell their children and then their children grow up and rob you. Now is this all your things or is there more still at school?

RORY

Uh... No. I have a lot more... at mum's.

EMILY

Oh! Well don't you worry, I'll take care of that. Did you try the danish? I bought it at an organic bakery. (Rory picks at a danish)

RORY

So... How'd it go last night?

EMILY

Hum?

RORY

With mum? Was she mad? I mean of course she was mad. But was it a bad mad?

EMILY

Well you know your mother, Rory. Everything is the end of the world. So dramatic. Ladies and Gentlemen Lorelai Barrymore. But don't you worry. She'll calm down, just give it some time.

RICHARD

(through the intercom)

Hello? Is anyone there? (Rory looks surprised, Emily looks very happy) Come in please?

RORY

What's that?

EMILY

It's just the intercom. (to Richard through the intercom) Yes Richard we're here and we read you!

RICHARD

(through the intercom)

Copy that Emily. Is Rory up yet? Charlie Davenport is here for our meeting.

EMILY

Well of course she's up, Richard. Please! Do you think she'd still be asleep at eight thirty in the morning? I have her here looking at fabric samples. We'll be done in a minute and I'll send her right in. (to Rory) We better get you in that bath.

RORY

I didn't know there was an intercom.

EMILY

Isn't that wonderful? We're just a push button away. Like Star Treck. (yells at the maid) Hosanna! We're coming in.

RICHARD

I don't think that duck stopped flying until it hit Paraguay

CHARLIE

If then...

RICHARD

And then of course we came home completely empty handed. Nothing but our whistles in our hands.

CHARLIE

You came home empty handed. I came home with the Mittland case.

RICHARD

Yes, that's right! On this trip we met Argus Mittland, CEO of Windermier Technologies. Paid for his 32 million dollar main estate and his wife's new lower half, with the companies pension funds.

CHARLIE

94 million dollars in accounting fraud.

RICHARD

They had him red-handed. On tape, e-mails. The man was guilty as sin. Where is he now Charlie?

CHARLIE

Los Angeles. He just bought Ellen DeGeneres's house.

RORY

So, you got him off?

RICHARD

And successfully sued for deformation of character. If you knew the number of truly guilty criminals put back on the street by this man here, you'd never believe in the criminal justice system again.

CHARLIE

Now Richard, I just realised we've spent so much time talking about ourselves we haven't discussed Rory's case at all. She must have a million questions. Go on Rory. What would you like to know.

RORY

Well, I guess I would just like to know, what's going to happen?

CHARLIE

(approvingly) Good question. Richard, that is a good question!

RICHARD

She's a Gilmore.

CHARLIE

Well, Rory, the first that's going to happen is, I'm going to have a little face to face with the prosecutor that's handling your case. We'll go over things, I'll take him out for a cup of coffee...

RICHARD

Just don't take him duck hunting!

CHARLIE

(he laughs a bit) And then we will agree on a plea bargain.

RORY

Really? No trial?

CHARLIE

Hell, no! Considering you're first time offender with demonstrably excellent character. Not to mention your family is standing in the community. The most you'll get is a little Community Service, ten hours give or take. Sound good?

RORY

Yeah, sounds very good.

RICHARD

Embezzle a pension fund and you'll really see what he can do.

CHARLIE

Now Richard, I'm afraid I must be going. (they all start to get up)

RICHARD

We appreciate you coming over like this.

CHARLIE

Of course. It's a pleasure meeting you Rory.

RORY

You too.

RICHARD

I'll walk you out Charlie.

CHARLIE

And I'll see you on Tuesday young lady.

RORY

Thank you Mr Davenport. I swear I will never need your help again.

CHARLIE

I'm sure you won't.

CHARLIE

Charming girl

RICHARD

She certainly is.(they start walking out of the study)

PARIS

Rory?

RORY

In here!

PARIS

You live here?

RORY

Home, sweet home.

PARIS

Aren't you worried that one night you're gonna sleepwalk right into that pool and drown?

RORY

I am now.

PARIS

Stuff's in here (points at the closet)?

RORY

Go to town.

PARIS

I'm meeting more of Doyle's family tonight. I've been meeting people for months. (she goes through Rory's clothes) He's got like five hundred cousins, and you know what? He's the tallest one in the family.

RORY

Really?

PARIS

Yup. Family get-together is like a Lollipop guilt convention. I have to stop myself from asking how it's going at the chocolate factory.

RORY

Good, good. Get it all out now.

PARIS

(picks out a dress) This isn't half bad.

RORY

There's a belt in there somewhere that matches.

PARIS

So I have a matter to discuss with you. Doyle and I have decided to move in together.

RORY

Hey! Congratulations!

PARIS

Thanks. We found a great duplex right near campus. Lots of room, separate bathrooms and it's a two bedroom. So I was thinking maybe, you'd like to move in with us?

RORY

Very Bob, Carol, Ted and Alice. Minus Bob.

PARIS

Now, it wouldn't be till school started, cause it's rented till then, but I think it could be a perfect situation.

RORY

It's a nice offer Paris, but I can't. I'm not going back to school.

PARIS

You're pregnant.

RORY

NO!

PARIS

Sick? You look pasty.

RORY

I'm not sick.

PARIS

Well I know your National Guard unit didn't get called up, so what's the story.

RORY

I'm just taking some time off.

PARIS

No! You don't take time off.

RORY

Did you find what you need, cause I have to finish getting ready. (Rory leaves, Paris follows her)

PARIS

What happened? Something must have happened!

RORY

Nothing happened. People take time off. Einstein took a year off.

PARIS

Yeah. After he discovered three laws of physics.

RORY

(pours herself a cup of coffee) I do not have to defend my life to you. I'm a grown up! I'm independent! I'm on my own!

PARIS

You have no furniture.

RORY

Well I'm redecorating. I want to individualize it, to my taste.

PARIS

Oh! I get it. I know what this is all about.

RORY

No you don't!

PARIS

Sure I do.

RORY

Paris just take what you need and go, ok?

LOGAN

Hey! Sorry I'm late (kisses her cheek)

RORY

It's ok.

LOGAN

Paris.

PARIS

(looks at him in a funny way, and starts to walk out. As she's passing by him) YOU! (exits)

LOGAN

(looks at Paris confused. To Rory) I think vacations are coming at just the right time for her.

RORY

I'm ready. Lets go.

LOGAN

(looking around at the pool house) Did you get robbed? (Rory makes a dismissive gesture and they exit)

LUKE

Come On!

JOE

You should get a real cash register, Luke.

LUKE

It's called character, Joe. It?s items like this that give a place character.

KIRK

Good evening Luke!

LUKE

Sit down Kirk. I'll be right with ya.

KIRK

I am not interested in food Luke. I'm here on business. I hear you might be in the market for a ring. Or should I be talking to Lorelai?

LUKE

Go away Kirk.

KIRK

Well then it's your lucky day. (Kirk opens up the suitcase) Because I happen to be in posetion of the finest estate ring collection in Connecticut. And since you are a friend, I'm prepared to make you a great deal. Or will Lorelai be the one paying for it?

LUKE

No, she will not be paying for it Kirk.

KIRK

Aaahhh! East Side Tillie called it wrong this time.

LUKE

Look! I'll take care of finding the ring, OK? (Luke approaches Kirk's table)

KIRK

You sure you don't want to take a look before you toss me out?

LUKE

No I don't! (Luke takes a glance at the suitcase filled with rings, and starts staring)

KIRK

Nice, heh?

LUKE

(takes a closer look at the rings) Well... Yeah. They are nice (sits down). Really nice! Wow! Look at this one (picks up a ring). This is perfect! It looks like Lorelai.

KIRK

It sure does.

LUKE

And these are real?

KIRK

Yes they are.

LUKE

I mean real diamonds, not "They exist" real?

KIRK

Diamond and platinum. I have a certificate of authenticity for every one of these babies.

LUKE

Kirk, where did you get all these rings?

KIRK

I befriend really old women.

LUKE

Excuse me?

KIRK

Really old women need companionship, Luke. They are really old. Most people they know are dead. So when someone comes along, and they are not dead and they'll listen to their stories and care about their dosage, they are grateful.

LUKE

Are you serious?

KIRK

Serious as a heart attack. Which is how I got that ring you're holding right now. So what do you think?

LUKE

I think you've got some great choices here.

KIRK

Good. Actually I have a lot of sympathy for what you're going through.

LUKE

What are you talking about, Kirk?

KIRK

Well, Lorelai proposing to you like that. Stealing your thunder. It's gotta be embarrassing and a little upsetting. Now you'll never have that moment. You don't get to be the romantic one, the one to sweep her off her feet. That's gotta hurt.

LUKE

I'm fine Kirk.

KIRK

Well, sure! What else are you going to say? You know I've been getting pretty close to proposing to Lulu myself. And when I heard what happened to you, it really freaked me out. I mean if Lorelai can just spring it on you like that, what's to stop Lulu from springing it on me?

LUKE

Your creepy friendships with really old women might do the trick.

KIRK

Well I've been avoiding her for two days. Hanging up on her really quickly when she calls. She may be mad, but there?s no way she's going to rob me of my moment.

LUKE

Well, don't you feel sorry for me, Kirk. I'm going to have my moment.

KIRK

But it's gone.

LUKE

Trust me, I'll have it. Case closed. Now here (hands him the ring he was holding), I'll take this one.

KIRK

Ah! Old widow Mason. Thought she was Frida Chalo toward the end.

RORY

So drink, dinner, movie? That's really what we're doing tonight?

LOGAN

I don't understand why you just won't believe me? I'm tired. I just want a mellow evening with my girlfriend.

RORY

Last time you were mellow you had a 104 fever. And even then we went bar hoping for an hour before you fainted.

LOGAN

Men do not faint. Men pass out. Drink, dinner, movie. That?s it.

RORY

Fine

LOGAN

After the party that is

LUKE

(exasperated) How much longer?

LORELAI

(OS from upstairs)

Oh... Sorry! There is a purse-shoe incident that threatened the entire outcome of the ensemble. It's technical. You wouldn't understand.

LUKE

I don't want to understand. I want to leave. I'm starving.

LORELAI

(OS from upstairs)

Watch TV.

LUKE

How is that a response to I'm starving?

LORELAI

(OS from upstairs)

Heeeyy! Why don?t you answer the door? That will be fun for ya!

LUKE

I'm not bored because I'm six. I'm bored because you told me to pick you up at seven and it's eight thirty!

PARIS

Who are you?

LUKE

Well, I... .

PARIS

I need to talk to Lorelai. Where is she?

LUKE

Well she's...

PARIS

Lorelai? Where are you?

LORELAI

(OS from upstairs)

Who's that?

PARIS

It's Paris, and I need to talk you right now! (to Luke) Who are you?

LUKE

Well I tried to tell you...

LORELAI

Paris! Hey, what are you doing here?

PARIS

Are you busy? Is this a bad time?

LORELAI

No we're just getting ready to go out. It's fine. Have you met Luke?

PARIS

No.

LUKE

I'm Luke.

PARIS

Paris.

LUKE

Nice to... .

PARIS

Rory's quitting Yale! I just went to see her and she told me she's quitting Yale. Did you know about this?

LORELAI

Yes, I did.

PARIS

It's Logan. That Christopher Atkins wannabe is the reason that she's suddenly Blue Laggooning it right out of school.

LORELAI

Paris...

PARIS

I don't understand? Why are you letting her do it?

LORELAI

I have no choice.

PARIS

Yes, you do. You can stop her. You can pull some of that Super Mum crap that you always do and get her to change her mind.

LUKE

Yup!

PARIS

Rory can't quit Yale! We have to do something.

LUKE

I agree.

PARIS

I mean we should kidnap her. Drag her back here and tie her up, and not let her loose until she oblistens to reason.

LUKE

Yes!

LORELAI

Luke!

LUKE

Hey, my suggestion first.

PARIS

I need her to be at Yale. (Paris & Lorelai sit on the couch) Rory has been my only real competition since she showed up at Chilton. She's the only one who?s ever challenged me. She's my pace car. She's my Bjorn Borg. Without her I'll get lazy. I'll fall apart. I'll have frosted hair and dragon lady nails, I'll achieve nothing. I'll become my mother.

LORELAI

Paris, listen to me. You are a very smart, driven young lady. You can be anything you want. Except a diplomat. You don't need Rory to push you.

PARIS

Rory is my only friend. She stays in the room until I'm completely done saying something. I need that.

LORELAI

Listen. I know I'm not Rory, but if you need to talk to someone you can always call me.

PARIS

Really?

LORELAI

Yeah! I mean I'll give you my cell phone number. It's basically my lifeline. You take it and you use it.

PARIS

I can really call you?

LORELAI

Anytime, anywhere! (writes the number down and give it to Paris)

PARIS

I'm going to hold you to that.

LORELAI

It's not a threat sweetie. It?s somebody who makes the offer willingly.

PARIS

OK! Thanks! Sorry to bother you. (walks to the door) Bye Luke. (exits)

LUKE

Nice to... (Paris is already gone)

LORELAI

And that concludes the floorshow portion of the evening. I'll get my purse and we'll go.

LUKE

So what are you gonna do?

LORELAI

About what?

LUKE

You know about what.

LORELAI

Nothing.

LUKE

Come on!

LORELAI

Come on, let?s just go!

LUKE

no, we haven't talked about this.

LORELAI

Because there's nothing to talk about.

LUKE

Yes there is.

LORELAI

Luke, this is Rory's decision, OK. She knew exactly how I felt about the situation and she chose to ignore me, she chose to move in with my parents, she chose not to tell me about it...

LUKE

She's a kid.

LORELAI

She's not a kid. She's twenty. She's going to be twenty-one in October. She's been living on her own for two years now. She?s not a kid.

LUKE

OK fine. But she's young.

LORELAI

And young people have to be allowed to make mistakes. I much a bigger mistake than this when I was much younger.

LUKE

Oh, so what!? Just because you made it on your own Rory has to also?

LORELAI

That's not my point.

LUKE

Then what is your point?

LORELAI

My point is, that I wouldn't have listened to anyone in that situation, even if there was someone to listen to. I had to go through that. And Rory has to go through this. Now she's smart and she's strong and hopefully she'll figure it out but I'm not going to force my way in. She wants to be on her own? Fine she's on her own.

LUKE

Really?

LORELAI

Tough love baby.

LUKE

So, that's it?

LORELAI

That's it.

LUKE

And you are OK with this?

LORELAI

I'm totally OK with this. Come on let's go. I thought you were starving.

LUKE

Did you give Paris your really cell number?

FINN

My best sloth year I believe was sophomore year. I went to Spain for a week to immerse myself in Cervantes, wound up staying for two months and almost join the French foreign legion.

RORY

But you were in Spain!

FINN

Yes! But Sinatra didn't sing about the Spanish foreign legion.

JULIET

Could you pass me three peanuts (Rory gives her the peanuts)?

COLIN

Two months is nothing!

FINN

OH! So you think you can outdo me?

COLIN

Freshman year, four and a half months cross country road trip. This was pre-navigational systems people.

FINN

Junior year. I dropped my things off at my dorm room, jumped on a plane to Australia and surfed until Christmas.

COLIN

You did not!

FINN

I did!

COLIN

Where was I?

FINN

In class like a good little boy.

ROSEMARY

Amazing! They're actually having a loser off!

COLIN

Oh, look how she mocks! The girls stayed home for a month after she had a tragic haircut.

ROSEMARY

It wasn't a tragic haircut! It was apocalyptic highlights. I looked like a Tim Burton character!

JULIET

Two more peanuts. Little ones.

COLIN

Hey, Logan! Do you remember that time that you left the classroom to make an entrance for that mock debate, and you ended up in Atlantic City?

LOGAN

Vaguely!

FINN

Now this man here, my darling, is long raining King Of the Sloths!

COLIN

That's right. Noone can waste time like this man here.

RORY

Really?

LOGAN

No! Now who wants to drink?

COLIN

Oh! He's just being modest! Logan has the talent for doing nothing, yet to be matched by man or actual sloth.

JULIET

OK! I feel a lipstick crisis coming on. (Gets off her stool) I'll be right back!

ROSEMARY

I'll go with you.

RORY

(to Logan) King Of the Sloths, huh? I don't know? This year I might give you a run for your money.

COLIN

Oh, really?

RORY

Yes! All kings must be dethroned eventually. And this year that crown will be mine.

COLIN

All hail Rory Gilmore future Queen Of the Sloths!

FINN

All hail! All right, time to make the rounds. See which one of these lovely females is soused enough to find my arrogance charming.

RORY

Finn. Have you ever thought about just wooing a woman? Flowers, chocolates a little slow jam in the backround?

FINN

Slow jams are for the subtle Rory. One too many has a delightful immediacy. You coming Colin?

COLIN

Absolutely!

RORY

I wonder how beer tastes with ice cream in it.

LOGAN

I give you one month.

RORY

To do what?

LOGAN

Before you are back in school. One month.

RORY

You are wrong!

LOGAN

Nope!

RORY

(mock disappointment) I cannot believe how little faith you have in me! I mean what kind of match would I be for you, if I just went running right back to a life of respectability, without even attempting to join the French foreign legion.

LOGAN

You love school.

RORY

Not anymore!

LOGAN

NO! You love school! I saw it! That doesn't just go away!

RORY

Well I have reformed! All right? From now on no more scheduling, no more planning I am just going to spend my days making ice cream-beer floats and just taking life as it come. You'll see! New me.

LOGAN

If you say so.

RORY

I do say so!

JULIET

(to Rory) Come on, come on! I love this song!

ROSEMARY

We need to dance the booze off and sober up a little or else one of us (points to her chest) is going home with Finn.

RORY

(to Logan) This is for a good cause.

LOGAN

Take her!

RORY

OK! Save my seat. And order me a scoop of vanilla

BIKER

(to Michel) You have a really nice place here. Really! I slept incredible last night. I woke up to birds singing. Seriously! This town is so great. I just had to take one last early morning ride around the town before I checked out. I can't wait to tell people about this place!

MICHEL

Could you move your arm please?

BIKER

Huh?

MICHEL

Your arm. That one.

BIKER

OK!

LORELAI

(to biker) Hi! (starts to drag him away from the desk area by taking his bill out of his hands) So how is your bill looking? Everything OK?

BIKER

Yeah, my bill's fine.

LORELAI

OK, well I'll put this in an envelope for you and I'll be right back. It's been a pleasure having you stay with us. (the biker leans against the wall and Lorelai walks back to Michel) Hand me an envelope and don't do that again.

MICHEL

He's sweating all over the desk.

LORELAI

Plus he's paying a six hundred dollar hotel bill.

MICHEL

I don't care! He smells. They all smell. The whole Inn smells like sweat socks and damped nylon shorts. It's making me sick. I have to work at that desk. And I have no intention of catching jock itch on my forearm because Mr Breaking Away over there can't shower before he invades my den space.

LORELAI

Michel, just chill out with the spray. OK?

MICHEL

Fine!

LORELAI

Thank you.

MICHEL

By the way your mother called a few minutes ago. She says she wants to pick up the rest of Rory's things and she will be at your house at eleven.

LORELAI

Fine. (the biker is about to sit on the little sofa on the den area. Lorelai stoops him just in time) Hey! Oh! There's your bill there (hands him the envelope)! So everything all set with your bags?

BIKER

Yeah!

LORELAI

Good! Well thank you for staying at the Dragonfly we hope to see you soon and the carts outside to take you to your car.

BIKER

OK, Thanks! (Puts the magazine down at a table in the den area)

LORELAI

Thank you! (the biker leaves. Lorelai looks at the magazine he put down, gets a trash can from near by and throws the magazine in the garbage with her foot). Michel!

MICHEL

I'm all over it! (Michel approaches the wall the biker was leaning on with the spray and the cloth and starts cleaning)

MICHEL

Hello. Won?t you come in.

EMILY

(a bit shocked) All right. Thank you. (they walk to the living room) What are you doing here?

MICHEL

I was sent to open the door like a servant. (he sits on the couch and starts reading a magazine)

EMILY

What? Where is Lorelai?

MICHEL

I don't know. She doesn't keep the help informed.

EMILY

She's not here?

MICHEL

Nope. I am here. I am here and not at the Dragonfly Inn, which I theoretically run, when I'm not busy answering doors like Benson.

EMILY

I don't understand. You gave her my message?

MICHEL

I gave her your message and she told me to come over here and let you in. Like I'm a puppy fetching slippers and giving my puff for a liver treat.

EMILY

But... I don't... Did she leave anything for me?

MICHEL

She left me.

EMILY

(confused) But... I just... I can't... Well this is absolutely incredible! Does she think this is a funny thing to do? (starts walking to Rory's room) I drive all the way from Hartford. (CUT to Rory's room. Emily walks in, the place is a mess) She did nothing! Nothing is packed! Nothing is ready to go! (Emily exits the room. CUT back to living room) Where are Rory's good clothes?

MICHEL

I don't know. But I will continue to search for them franticly.

EMILY

Are you just going to sit there?

MICHEL

I was instructed to stay until you leave.

EMILY

Like a need to be watched. Like I'm a meth-head stealing a television set to support my habit. Well this is completely unacceptable. RORY NEEDS SOMETHING TO WEAR TO COURT!

MICHEL

I'm sorry if you're talking to me you have to do it in woofs.

EMILY

You've been working with my daughter way to long.

MICHEL

Dooon't I know it!

CHARLIE

Well, I have to say this is a charming little courtroom. Reminds me of my early days practising law.

RICHARD

It is quaint. (the men laugh a bit)

EMILY

I hope we picked out the right outfit here. It's coming off a little more Mennonite than I had hoped.

RICHARD

The girl looks fine Emily. Leave her alone.

CHARLIE

(to Rory) Are you nervous.

RORY

NO.

CHARLIE

And you shouldn't be. Everything will be fine. It will be over before you know it.

POLICE OFFICER

Court calls the state versus Lorelai Gilmore.

CHARLIE

(to Rory) Who is Lorelai Gilmore?

RORY

I am. That's my real name.

CHARLIE

Good thing I found out about that now. It could have been a little embarrassing latter.

EMILY

(whispering) Rory! Rory! Unbutton the sweater a little.

RICHARD

Emily, stop it.

EMILY

I don't want it to look like she's trying to hard.

JUDGE

I understand that a plea agreement has been reached.

PROSECUTOR

That's correct your honour.

JUDGE

Miss Gilmore please stand. (Rory and Charlie stand up) You understand that you're pleading guilty to criminal mischief in the 3rd degree in violation of section 117A of the penal code? (Rory looks around in the courtroom in search of someone)

CHARLIE

Yes your honour.

JUDGE

You further understand that by so doing you wave your right to a trial via jury of your piers?

RORY

I do.

JUDGE

I see that Community Service is recommended.

PROSECUTOR

Miss Gilmore has no prior record, your honour. No history of getting into trouble.

JUDGE

(with disbelief) Twenty hours of Community Service?

CHARLIE

this was a youthful indiscretion your honour. A one time childish lark. My client is duly remorseful, and I can assure you it will never happen again. (Richard & Charlie looked pleased with each other)

JUDGE

(to Rory) I see you're a student at Yale.

RORY

Yes your honour.

JUDGE

That's a very nice school. Prestigious.

RORY

Yes your honour.

JUDGE

I understand that the defence is portraying this as a childish lark. A youthful indiscretion. Well I take the law very seriously. And if there is one thing I have very little tolerance for, it's rich, privileged children viewing the world as their private playground. I don't care who you are. I don't care who your family is (Richard & Emily don't look pleased). When you commit a crime Miss Gilmore, there must be consequences. Period. Twenty hours of Community Service won't do it! I'm ordering three hundred hours of Community Service, to be completed in no more than six months (Richard & Emily react), and one year?s probation.

RORY

But, I can't do three hundred hours. I have to get a job.

JUDGE

Well add that to your list of things you should have thought about before you decided to joy ride on someone else's boat.

RICHARD

Three hundred hours? This is outrageous. Charlie? (Charlie gestures to Richard to calm down)

JUDGE

Now, assuming this is indeed a one-time occurrence, at the end of five years time Miss Gilmore can petition the court to have this expunged from her record.

EMILY

Record? She's going to have a record? Oh my God!

RICHARD

(stands up and approaches Charlie) You never said anything about a record?

CHARLIE

Richard, please!

RICHARD

Oh, don't Richard please me you two-bit double-talker!

JUDGE

(to Richard) Who are you? Sit down!

RICHARD

I am her grandfather, Richard Gilmore. This is outrageous. (starts pacing in the courtroom)

EMILY

I never should have let her go with the ponytail.

JUDGE

You are going to have to restrain yourself, sir.

RICHARD

I will not restrain myself. I will not stand by, and let this girl walk around with a record for five years.

EMILY

Richard! You're standing on my foot!

RICHARD

(to Charlie) I should have never listened to you. Making deals with a twenty-year-old child in a cheap suit.

PROSECUTOR

Hey!

JUDGE

I'm not duty bound to do so, but I'm happy to give Miss Gilmore the opportunity to withdraw her plea and go to trial. If she does so she'll face additional felony charges. Given the undisputed facts, I'd think very hard about that course of action

RICHARD

Well I think it's something to consider.

RORY

Grandpa, NO! I don't want to go to trial. I'll do the Community Service. Please, just sit down.

EMILY

Richard, sit down.

RORY

I do not want to withdraw my plea your honour.

JUDGE

All right. I will consider this matter settled. Court will recess for twenty minutes. (exits)

POLICE OFFICER

All rise.

CHARLIE

This is not that big a deal. We got a little more Community Service than we wanted.

RICHARD

(approaches Charlie & Rory. To Charlie) You're a lousy duck hunter Charlie. It wasn't the weather and it wasn't the duck call, it was you.

CHARLIE

I was doing you a favour Richard.

RICHARD

Well do me some more favours, Charlie. Let's see if we can get the girl twenty to life at Sing-Sing.

CHARLIE

That is it.

RORY

(drags Richard away) Grandpa.

RICHARD

I'm hiring a lawyer to sue that man.

RORY

Grandpa, did you tell mum about the court date?

RICHARD

Of course I did.

RORY

You did? You told her the time, and where it was and everything?

RICHARD

She knew all about it Rory. She simply showed no interest in the matter. (Rory reacts) Abe Rosenstein!

RORY

Who?

RICHARD

That's who I'm going to get to sue Charlie.

CHARLIE

(picks up his briefcase) Goodbye Emily. Go to hell Richard. (exits)

RICHARD

I'm not through with you yet! (follows Charlie)

EMILY

Richard, you can't kill him here! We're in a courthouse! (follows Richard)

EMILY

(on answering machine)

Lorelai it's your mother. I want to thank you for the lovely little surprise you gave me this morning (Lorelai keeps on ripping away notes, without reading them as she moves around the kitchen, and the fridge, without reading them). I can't wait to tell the girls at the club all about it. I mean they're always bragging about their daughters did this, and their daughters did that. Well finally I get to go in there and say "Oh really? Well today my daughter invited me over and then didn't show up. And then she had me watched by a surly, barking Frenchman so that I didn't steal anything".

LORELAI

I didn't invite you over mother!

EMILY

(on answering machine)

Top that, ladies! This was unforgivable Lorelai. Disgraceful behaviour even by your standards. And since I assume you've torn up all of my notes, I will read them to you. I made copies. (Lorelai enters Rory's room and angrily starts packing her stuff) "Dear Lorelai, I was shocked and saddened by your decision not to be at home when I came by for Rory's things.

EMILY

My God!

LORELAI

There that?s all of her stuff. (drops the basket) You happy?

EMILY

Lorelai, you scared me half to death.

LORELAI

Yeah, well follow through, has always been my problem. Oh well! (drops the duffel bag) So! We've got clothes, books, stuffed animals. I even checked the laundry to make sure nothing was waiting to be washed. OK? We good?

RICHARD

What do you mean? Barging in here in the middle of the night. Are you crazy?

LORELAI

Mum just seemed extremely concerned, about getting the rest of Rory's things.

EMILY

She needed something to wear to court.

LORELAI

Yeah, so I figured I better bring them right over here. Now I did, so I'm done!

EMILY

Lorelai, stop this! I know you're upset. I know you hate us...

LORELAI

I don't hate you. Why would I hate you?

EMILY

Well... because we... because you thought we...

LORELAI

You were just being you. You couldn't help it.

EMILY

What are you talking about?

LORELAI

The scorpion and the frog. It's an old story. The scorpion says to the frog "Hey frog give a lift to the other side of the pond". Frog says "No way! You'll sting me and I'll die". Scorpion says "Will not! Cause then we'll both drown". Frog says "Cool". So the scorpion gets on the frogs back, and frog makes it to the middle of the pond and the scorpion stings him. As the frog is going down he says "Why would you do that? Now we'll both die". Scorpion says "Sorry. It's just my nature". Frog (points to herself), scorpion (points to her parents).

EMILY

I always thought it was a turtle.

LORELAI

Whatever it was. You guys couldn't help it.

RICHARD

Lorelai, why don't you sit and calm down.

LORELAI

I am calm. I'm fine. You guys must be pretty jazzed though, huh? I mean you finally did it. You finally got a shot at getting the daughter you've always wanted.

RICHARD

I'm too tired to have this conversation.

LORELAI

Rory! Here! Right under your roof. Excellent!

EMILY

You're being ridiculous.

LORELAI

Now you get your do over. A new and improved Lorelai. Congrats. Very well played.

RICHARD

Lorelai, listen to me. I know that you think some sort of con has been perpetrated on you...

LORELAI

Hey, it's only a paper moon dad.

RICHARD

That fact of the matter is, your mother and I were just trying to do the right thing. We're all striving for the same goal. We want Rory happy and healthy. Now she's taken a bit of a stumble. But we can get her back on the right track. All of us. Together. And we're going to need your input and your involvement to achieve that.

LORELAI

My involvement ends here. With the laundry basket.

EMILY

What is that flipper mark supposed to mean.

LORELAI

It's supposed to mean that I'm out. You've won. She's all yours. Of course the laundry basket I'm going to want back. (exits)

KIRK

Please Luke, please! Please, please, please, please, please!

LUKE

Move (Kirk moves away from he door, outside and Luke locks)

KIRK

Luke, I have to have the ring back.

LUKE

I've paid you for the ring. In fact I've overpaid you for the ring. You gave me a certificate of authenticity and a promise that none of the heirs were gonna sue me for possetion and then our business was done.

KIRK

Luke, you don't understand. I think that that was the ring that Lulu had her eye on. I totally forgot this until... Where are you going?

LUKE

I'm leaving Kirk! The diner is closed!

KIRK

You can't leave until I get that ring back. If I propose I'm gonna need that ring.

LUKE

You have a suitcase full of rings!

KIRK

But that's the one I sort of remember her liking.

LUKE

Pick another ring.

KIRK

But my backup ring pulled through. Plus now there's talk of her wanting to buried with it.

LUKE

Goodnight Kirk.

BABETTE

(from across the square) LUUUUUKE! WAIT!

LUKE

Oh boy!

BABETTE

I HAVE TO TALK TO YOU!

LUKE

OK Babette! Slow down I'm not going anywhere.

BABETTE

It's very serious!

LUKE

I'm right here! You just, You can walk Babette. Just walk Babette, please, walk. Slow down, just... (she reaches him)

BABETTE

(out of breath) Geez! Oh my God! I smell toast. I smell toast. And almonds. I smell almond toast.

LUKE

What do you need Babette?

BABETTE

I need confirmation on a rumour. That there is a rumour that there's been a rift between Lorelai and Rory.

KIRK

A rift?

BABETTE

A big rift. Very serious, that's right! Rory ain't home for the summer?

KIRK

Wow!

LUKE

Who told you this?

BABETTE

Well who else? East Side Tillie. That damn woman keeps tromping me. So come on? Is she right? Is it true? (Luke doesn't answer and looks uncomfortable) It is true! Oh my God! Well what happened? And how's Lorelai taking it? She must be a basket case? Is she a basket case?

LUKE

OK! Stop! Look! There's been a little incident, but all going to be fine. Lorelai has it completely under control.

BABETTE

She's OK?

LUKE

Trust me, she's just fine! OK

KIRK

Nice ring. (Babette looks strangely at Kirk and walk away)

LUKE

(OS)

Full moon! Moment's here! Let's go!