T5E22: “A House Is Not a Home”

LORELAI

Hi. Hello. Yes, I'm here to pick up my daughter.

OFFICER

Your daughter's name?

LORELAI

Rory Gilmore. Lorelai Gilmore. She goes by Rory. I don't know what you have her under.

OFFICER

Rory Gilmore.

LORELAI

Oh, that's good, because she only answers to that. Not that she won't to the other, but -

OFFICER

She'll be out in a minute.

LORELAI

Okay. Thanks. [Pause.] Sorry, when you say she'll be out, do you mean out of a cell?

OFFICER

Yep.

LORELAI

So she was in a cell.

OFFICER

That's where we usually put people when they're arrested.

LORELAI

Was she in the cell alone?

OFFICER

It was a slow night. She had the place to herself.

LORELAI

[relieved]

Oh, that's good. I mean, not that she's a snob. She can get along with anyone, it's just, it was her first time in a cell, so I didn't want her to be attacked, you know, like in Caged Heat? Or was it Switchblade Sisters? Anyway. I mean, my daughter never gets into trouble. Except, you know, now. But on the whole, the kid is an angel. She goes to Yale.

OFFICER

She'll be out in a minute.

LORELAI

Right. [She looks around.] I'm sorry. Are you, like, solving something?

OFFICER

What can I do for you?

LORELAI

I was just wondering. Is Rory in the system now? Because I just remember when Sipowicz's son accidentally got arrested because he looked like a drug dealer. Sipowicz was freaked out that the son was going to wind up in the system. And I just wonder, you know, should I be freaked out? And also, what exactly is the system?

OFFICER

She's got to go to court. They'll figure out what's going to happen.

LORELAI

And am I going to have to pay anything? I mean, bail? Does she need bail?

OFFICER

They're releasing her on a P.T.A. A promise to appear.

LORELAI

Oh, she will. She will appear. She might be there before you will.

OFFICER

[losing patience]

I won't be there.

LORELAI

Right. But she will, 'cause she promised. I'll be over there.

FINN

Well. This is much nicer than the last place we picked him up from.

COLIN

Yes, we definitely need to keep this one in mind for future infractions. Excuse me, Officer, we were wondering if one Logan Huntzberger has been released from your fine custody yet?

OFFICER

Nope. Have a seat.

COLIN

We'll be over here.

FINN

And if you have a moment we'd like to order some appetizers.

FINN

So typical. Logan would have to get busted during the one time I almost got Rosemary to agree to go home with me.

COLIN

It's vintage Huntzberger, my friend. Friday nights end in jail.

FINN

The boy knows how to party.

COLIN

Stealing Richardson's boat. Genius.

FINN

Let's not forget the lovely Rory.

COLIN

Yes. Maxwell Smart finally found his Ninety-Nine.

OFFICER

Rory Gilmore is coming out now.

LORELAI

Oh, thank you.

COLIN

You're here for Rory?

LORELAI

Yeah.

FINN

Oh, well, we would have taken her home.

COLIN

Just so you know she was covered.

LORELAI

[sarcastic]

Wow. The relief.

COLIN

I'm Colin. This is Finn. And you are?

LORELAI

Her mother.

FINN

My God, those are good genes.

LORELAI

You've got everything?

LORELAI

Let's go.

LORELAI

What's on your hands?

RORY

Fingerprints.

LORELAI

Right. [Pause.] Do you want to go in and eat, or take it home?

RORY

Home.

LORELAI

Okay. [Pause.] We're having a bike race. Bike race through town, first one ever. Taylor's really excited. Maybe Sheryl Crow will come.

RORY

Maybe.

LORELAI

Probably not. [Pause.] I'm running out of small talk, kid. Got to get around to the main event here soon.

RORY

[sighs]

I know.

LORELAI

Rory, what happened?

LORELAI

No, don't answer it.

RORY

It's Logan.

LORELAI

Rory, don't answer it.

RORY

I have to.

LORELAI

Well, I don't want you talking to him right now.

RORY

Why not?

LORELAI

Why not? He just got you arrested.

RORY

He did not.

LORELAI

Don't protect him.

RORY

It was my idea!

LORELAI

Oh, come on.

RORY

Logan was at his sister's engagement party having a perfectly lovely time when I showed up and dragged him off. He spent the night in jail because of me. I have to take this call. [She flips open the phone.] Hey. Are you okay? Yeah, I'm fine. I'm good. I was just worried about you.

TAYLOR

Lorelai. Yoo-hoo! Behind you! Back here! Turn around! Turn around, turn around!

LORELAI

Yes, Taylor.

TAYLOR

[gasping for breath]

You know we have a race coming through here tomorrow.

LORELAI

Uh, yeah, it says it on the banners.

TAYLOR

The fifth annual Connecticut Bike Race. It's a very prestigious race.

LORELAI

Oh, I'm sure.

TAYLOR

Now, I don't know if you've noticed the no parking signs I've been putting out.

LORELAI

I didn't, Taylor.

TAYLOR

I swear, if something doesn't have a Marc Jacobs label on it, you girls just don't notice it. Well, I have just put no parking signs all up and down the street here, in hopes of clearing a safe and unobstructed path through Stars Hollow.

LORELAI

Well, what a super goal, Taylor.

TAYLOR

Thank you. Now, if you notice, your Jeep is currently parked in what is about to become a no parking zone.

LORELAI

Really.

TAYLOR

As of ten o'clock tonight. At 10:01, we will be towing. [He points to Kirk in a tow truck.]

KIRK

I'm coming for you!

LORELAI

Okay, Taylor, it's nine fifty-five. I still have six minutes.

TAYLOR

Yes, but it would be easier if you would just move the car now.

LORELAI

If it's easy then anyone could do it, and I'm a maverick.

TAYLOR

Look what Jane Fonda hath wrought.

LORELAI

Rory stole a yacht. How's your night been?

LUKE

[turns around]

What? What do you mean, Rory stole a yacht?

LORELAI

I, uh, just got back from picking Rory up from the Bridgeport police department where she was brought following her arrest for grand theft boating.

LUKE

Tell me what happened.

LORELAI

I don’t know what happened. I haven’t gotten the details yet. I did get a piece of paper with a court date on it, though. June third. Sounds like a good day to go to court, don’t you think?

LUKE

Was she with that Logan kid?

LORELAI

Yes, he was arrested too.

LUKE

Well, there you go. He got her into this.

LORELAI

That’s what I said. I need hand soap.

LUKE

What?

LORELAI

Oh, she got ink all over her hands from the fingerprinting and I’m out of soap.

LUKE

I have soap.

LORELAI

Maybe she needs special soap. Is there special soap? Is it special ink? It must be special ink, right?

LUKE

I don’t –

LORELAI

I mean, of course. [She gets up and walks behind the counter.] They’re not going to use normal ink for fingerprinting, it’s supposed to brand you and humiliate you. Normal ink wouldn’t humiliate you, unless you’re Rory and your mother has no soap.

LUKE

What are you doing?

LORELAI

I should make a list. I’m going to forget things. I just need a pen. [She grabs a notepad from beside the register.]

LUKE

Here.

LORELAI

Okay, so, okay. Buy soap. Let’s see, what else? Buy soap, buy soap, uh, get lawyer –

LUKE

I can help you with a lawyer.

LORELAI

Oh, crap, Rory’s car! It must still be at the marina. She’s going to have to pick it up. If it hasn’t been impounded! How do I find out if it’s been impounded?

LUKE

I’m sure you can call down there, and –

LORELAI

God, every ten seconds something else pops into my head. I’m just not prepared for this. I mean, Rory never even shoplifted. Not a candy bar, not a lipstick. She forgot to return a library book once. And she was so guilty about it that she grounded herself. I mean, can you imagine? She’s just sitting there in her bedroom yelling at me, “Now no one else got to read the Iliad this week because of me!”

LUKE

What can I do?

LORELAI

Rory hasn’t eaten.

LUKE

I can make you some burgers.

LORELAI

No, no, no. Just donuts. We need to get home and get to the bottom of this. [She takes a deep breath as Luke gets the donuts ready.] Okay. This is not the end of the world, right? I mean, Rory’s young. Young people do stupid things. I got pregnant. This is better, it’s not so permanent. Unless it’s on her permanent record, and then, oh, God, does that mean she can’t vote?

LUKE

Oh, I don’t think –

LORELAI

I thought I read that if you commit a felony you can’t vote.

LUKE

I think that’s –

LORELAI

Rory loves to vote! She switched her ‘I voted’ sticker from outfit to outfit this year, and then she scotch taped it to her purse! She has to be able to vote!

LUKE

You want me to come with you when you talk to her?

LORELAI

[distant]

No. Thanks, she’s in the car. I should go. Thanks for the donuts.

LUKE

Yeah. Sure.

RORY

Kirk just came by and gave us a two minute warning. Any idea what he’s talking about?

LORELAI

Who ever has any idea what Kirk’s talking about? Here. [She hands her the bag of donuts.]

RORY

Thanks.

LORELAI

[sighs]

Rory, what happened tonight?

RORY

[after a pause]

I stole a yacht.

LORELAI

Yes, I know. The nice men with the guns told me. Why?

RORY

I just – I was really upset and I felt like I had to do something.

LORELAI

Okay, sure, I get that. But when I’m upset and I need to do something I eat a lot of pound cake. They don’t have pound cake at Yale?

RORY

No, they have pound cake at Yale. [She sighs. Lorelai looks at her expectantly.] Mitchum Huntzberger talked to me today. About my performance.

LORELAI

And?

RORY

And he said that I was very smart and competent and would someday make someone a great assistant.

LORELAI

[scornful]

Uh-huh.

RORY

But as a journalist, he just doesn’t think I have it.

LORELAI

It? Who is he, Louis B. Mayer?

RORY

No, he says he has like a sense for this kind of thing. I just – I don’t know, it was a surprise. I mean, I thought I was doing really well. I thought I was impressing him. I thought he was going to offer me a summer job at the paper, I thought –

LORELAI

Oh, God, I hate this guy.

RORY

It’s not his fault. I mean, if he doesn’t think I could be a journalist, it’s probably best that he tells me before –

LORELAI

Before what?

RORY

Before I go out there and fall on my face.

LORELAI

But, Rory, he is wrong He doesn’t know what he’s talking about.

RORY

He does this for a living.

LORELAI

Not after I kill him, he doesn’t. Big, fancy, arrogant creep. Handing down these all-knowing proclamations. I mean, how the hell does he know if you have ‘it’ or not? Has he seen your writing? Has he talked to you, I mean really talked to you? Has he talked to any of your teachers? Has he talked to anyone who knows how much ‘it’ you have? No. He’s spent exactly two weeks with you, ordering you around, sending you on coffee runs, playing the big shot!

RORY

He is the publisher!

LORELAI

I know what it says on his business card. I’m going to kick his ass.

RORY

Should we be at all concerned that Kirk’s trying to tow us away right now?

LORELAI

No. He is not God! This is one man’s opinion. He did not invent journalism. He’s just a guy with a really good parking space.

RORY

I’m so, so sorry.

LORELAI

I know you are.

RORY

I was so stupid. I’ll never be that stupid again.

LORELAI

Aw. Sure you will.

RORY

Oh my God. I got arrested. I have to go to court! I have to go get my car. No – do you have soap at home? Because I have all this ink all over my hands, and –

LORELAI

Honey. Relax. We will figure it out.

TROUBADOUR

[singing]

I turned twenty-one in prison, doing life without parole. No-one could steer me right, but Mama tried, Mama tried. Mama tried to raise me better but her pleading I denied, that leaves only me to blame, ‘cause Mama tried. Leaves only me to blame, ‘cause Mama tried.

LANE

Brian! I need to get in there!

BRIAN

[opens the door, wearing a suit]

I was only in there fifteen minutes. I clocked it.

ZACH

Time, dude?

BRIAN

Seven thirty.

ZACH

Crap. I overslept.

BRIAN

You’re saying that like it’s my fault.

ZACH

[getting up]

Shut up. It is your fault.

BRIAN

I told you to get a clock you don’t have to wind.

ZACH

I told you to shut up.

BRIAN

You never wind it, then you yell at me.

ZACH

Dude, you keep nagging me, I’m going to have to buy you a ring.

LANE

I get off work at six.

ZACH

I’ll alert the media.

LANE

I mean, that’s early enough to have band practice. Are we having band practice tonight?

ZACH

Maybe.

BRIAN

I may have to work late.

LANE

Brian.

BRIAN

I have my temp review, Lane. I think they might be ready to offer me the full-time receptionist job.

LANE

It’s been a while since we’ve practiced.

ZACH

We’ve been busy.

LANE

Tomorrow, then?

ZACH

Definitely a conversation to have.

LANE

Fine, we’ll talk tonight. Have you seen my jeans jacket?

ZACH

[at the T.V.]

Oh, come on! I threw the troll!

LORELAI

Morning!

RORY

God, I feel like I could sleep through the entire day.

LORELAI

Coffee will be ready soon.

RORY

What are you doing?

LORELAI

Well, I’m updating the refrigerator.

RORY

Where did you get that?

LORELAI

Oh, the nice lady at the police station e-mailed it to me. I thought it would look really nice next to your kindergarten handprint collage. I got you a copy if you’re thinking Christmas cards.

RORY

Very thoughtful.

LORELAI

You hungry?

RORY

I’m starving. I’ve had nothing but donuts for two days. [Lorelai brings her some bread and water.] Funny.

LORELAI

Hold on.

RORY

I’m really glad you’re enjoying this.

LORELAI

Rory, the penal system is not something we enjoy, It’s something with a name that makes us giggle.

RORY

I assume there’s pop-tarts? [She gets up.]

LORELAI

Now, what’s on the agenda for today? I hear there’s a shipment of plutonium coming in at the docks, and I thought we could dress up as nuns and I could distract them with a fake stigmata, you could shove the plutonium under your habit, and –

RORY

I have to got back to school. I have one last final, plus –

LORELAI

Oh, wait.

RORY

Plus I have one last load of stuff that I need to pick up and transport back here. And now I have to hang up. Visiting hours are over. [They hang up the phones.] Thanks for letting me borrow the Jeep.

LORELAI

Figured if I didn’t give it to you voluntarily you’d just heist it anyway.

RORY

This bit’s going to last for a while, huh?

LORELAI

Mm. Twenty to life. Time off for a well-placed Tom Sizemore Whizzenator joke.

RORY

Don’t let the movies fool you, kiddies. Crime doesn’t pay.

LORELAI

Listen, uh, later today I’m going to try and track us down a lawyer. I thought I’d call that guy who got Robert Blake off, what was his name, Houdini? [Rory stares at her.] What?

RORY

Where are you really going to get this lawyer?

LORELAI

The emergency room. Ambulance dispatch center?

RORY

You’re not going to tell –

LORELAI

No. I’m not going to go through Mom and Dad. There’s no reason they need to know about this.

RORY

Did I say I’m sorry in the last five minutes?

LORELAI

Hm. I think not slugging me when I pulled out the telephones said it for you.

RORY

I love you, mom.

LORELAI

I love you, kid.

LORELAI

Hello.

LOGAN

Uh, hi. Is Rory there?

LORELAI

She just left, who’s calling?

LOGAN

It’s Logan.

LORELAI

[hesitates]

Oh. She’s not here.

LOGAN

I’ve been trying to get her, her phone must be off or dead or something.

LORELAI

Well, she’s heading back to school. You can just catch up with her there.

LOGAN

Yes, I’ll do that.

LORELAI

Okay. Bye.

LOGAN

Oh, listen, I’m sorry to call your house. I just had this number and I wanted to talk to Rory.

LORELAI

It’s okay, Logan.

LOGAN

And listen, I know you must be really upset by this whole thing, but I want you to know my father’s lawyers are all over the situation, and –

LORELAI

Hey, you know what? I think your father has done just about enough here, okay?

LOGAN

Done enough?

LORELAI

Yes. So, thank your father for this. And I do mean all of this. But I think I can handle it from here.

LOGAN

But –

LORELAI

His help isn’t needed, Logan. I’ve got it.

LOGAN

Okay. You got it. Sorry, I was just –

LORELAI

Rory should be back at school soon.

LOGAN

Right. Sorry to bother you.

LORELAI

No problem. Bye.

RORY

Hey.

LOGAN

What’d he do?

RORY

What?

LOGAN

My father. What’d he do?

RORY

Who told you that he did anything?

LOGAN

I called your house. I talked to your mom.

RORY

Great.

LOGAN

I should have known something happened, the way you showed up at Honor’s party like that. I should have known.

RORY

My mother shouldn’t have said anything.

LOGAN

She didn’t say anything specific.

RORY

Then what’d she say?

LOGAN

Rory, just tell me what happened.

RORY

It’s stupid. I feel stupid.

LOGAN

Rory.

RORY

I overreacted. You’ll think I’m three.

LOGAN

Tell me.

RORY

He just doesn’t think that I’ve got what it takes to be a journalist. He says he knows when someone has it, and I apparently do not have it.

LOGAN

He said that to you?

RORY

Yeah.

LOGAN

Just like that.

RORY

Pretty much.

LOGAN

I knew it. I knew this was going to happen. I didn’t want you to take that internship.

RORY

I had to take the internship. Your father’s the top guy in the business.

LOGAN

My father is a jackass! He’s a bully! He has zero interest in people’s feelings. It’s always just say what you feel, right or wrong, who the hell cares who you hurt. Whatever. I’m going over there right now.

RORY

Logan, no.

LOGAN

You’re my girlfriend, Rory, he should have treated you better than that.

RORY

I don’t want you to say anything!

LOGAN

I have to!

RORY

Logan, no! Please! I just want to forget this. I just want it to go away! And please don’t make a big thing between you and your dad, I don’t want that!

LOGAN

Rory.

RORY

Don’t put me in that position, please.

LOGAN

[sighs]

I’m sure he’ll give me a crappy present for my birthday. Maybe I can pick a fight with him over that.

RORY

Thank you.

LOGAN

You should have told me.

RORY

I didn’t want to tell you.

LOGAN

Hey. If this relationship thing is going to work, then it goes both ways. You have to tell me why were committing a felony before we do it. Not that that’s going to stop us, but at least I’ll have all the facts, okay?

RORY

Okay. I’m sorry.

LOGAN

Come here. [He pulls her into a big hug.] You need some help packing?

RORY

No. I’ve got my last final today. I should go over my notes.

LOGAN

Okay. Call me after.

RORY

I will.

LOGAN

You’re good?

RORY

I’m good.

LOGAN

Okay. Oh, and try and talk to your mother. My father’s lawyers should really handle this thing. They’ve had a lot of practice, believe me.

RORY

Okay. I’ll talk to her.

BIKERS

Big hole! Big hole! Big hole!

TAYLOR

You, uh, signed on the wrong line.

LUKE

Oh, sorry.

TAYLOR

Cross it out, initial it, and sign again.

BIKER

[outside]

Big hole!

LUKE

What the hell is wrong with them? Why can’t they just let the bozo in back of them figure out for himself there’s a big hole there!

TAYLOR

You’re awfully crabby for a man whose business is booming because of this race.

LUKE

I don’t want this kind of business. It’s too shiny.

TAYLOR

I myself am finding the whole thing rather intoxicating. Our little town, the site of an international sports event like this? You have no idea how much wrangling it took to get them here.

BIKER

[outside]

Big hole!

LUKE

Ah, geez. I smudged! He made me smudge!

TAYLOR

[patiently]

Cross it out, initial the smudge, then start again. [Luke sighs.] I lobbied the race coordinators for weeks. It was a lot of ouzo and karaoke, but I bagged our town the coveted first stop, last stop slot.

LUKE

Wait, first stop, last stop meaning –

TAYLOR

They start here today, circle the state, then end here later this week. Every one of them will be coming back.

BIKERS

[outside]

Big hole! Big hole!

LUKE

Unbelievable.

TAYLOR

Uh, don’t press too hard, there, buddy, I don’t want to start all over again.

LUKE

That’s the last one.

TAYLOR

Excellent. [He gathers up the papers.] Well, I guess congratulations are in order, Luke. You’ve just bought yourself the Twickham house.

LUKE

Thank you, Taylor.

TAYLOR

Now, remember, there’s a three day cooling-off period, meaning you have three days from today to change your mind.

LUKE

I’m not going to change my mind.

TAYLOR

Well, it’s been a pleasure doing business with you, Luke! I certainly hope it works out for you and your future plans.

BIKER

[outside]

Big hole!

LANE

I’m taking my break! [She sits down with the band and a plate of fries.] I have fifteen minutes.

ZACH

No chili?

LANE

Where’s Gil?

ZACH

It totally needs some chili.

BRIAN

Gill called. His delivery boy didn’t show so he has to make some stops on the way. He said he may not be able to make it.

LANE

Of course he can’t make it. Why should he make it? I mean, it’s only a band meeting, right? Nothing important.

ZACH

[eating the fries]

Oh, my God, I can taste the potato!

BRIAN

So?

ZACH

So I hate the potato. The chili hides the potato.

LANE

Zach!

ZACH

Nice screech.

LANE

This right here, this attitude! It’s exactly what I’m talking about.

ZACH

What do you mean, what you’re talking about? You haven’t said anything yet.

LANE

I think we have a problem.

BRIAN

We do?

GIL

I just got totally boned by this sixteen year old Three Doors Down fan. My week sucks.

LANE

I started the meeting already, Gil.

GIL

Gee, sorry Lane. I dropped off the hoagies as quickly as I could. Next time I won’t wait for the money, and my kid can just paint himself silver and do the robot on the street corner for tuition fees.

LANE

What’s going on here? Are we breaking up?

ZACH

What? Oh, you mean the band. Okay, cool. Wow. Go on.

BRIAN

We’re not breaking up. Are we breaking up?

LANE

Well, I don’t know. It just seems to me that lately the band doesn’t seem to be as important to everyone as it used to be.

ZACH

I don’t agree.

LANE

We hardly practice anymore. Everyone else has all these other things to do. There were clothes on my drums this morning.

BRIAN

Sorry. After I Woolite that sweater I have to lay it out flat or else it loses its shape.

GIL

Lane, relax. Things have just been a little crazy lately.

BRIAN

Oh, that reminds me. I got offered that full-time receptionist job today.

ZACH

[pleased]

Really?

GIL

Welcome to the grind, my friend.

BRIAN

They’re giving me a raise and I get to keep the blazer.

GIL

Awesome blazer!

LANE

I’m sorry, does anyone else see what’s going on here? Brian’s talking about talking a full-time job.

BRIAN

So?

LANE

The band’s supposed to be your full-time job!

ZACH

Lane.

LANE

No, no Lane! [To Zach] You have your Americana banjo band, [to Brian] and you have Century 21, [to Gil] and you have a really stupid hat on. And what do I have, huh? According to my mother I am going to hell for this. That’s commitment, my friends! Eternal damnation is what I’m risking for my rock and roll!

ZACH

Lane, calm down. We all care about the band.

LANE

So I’m just imagining all of this?

LANE

I think we need to play more.

BRIAN

We’ve played every club around here a hundred times.

LANE

Well, then maybe we need to tour!

GIL

Tours are rough, Lane. They have to be planned. Venues must be booked, you need publicity. Transportation. Money.

LANE

Well, we have to do something.

BIKER

[outside]

Big hole!

LUKE

That’s it!

BIKERS

[outside]

Big bat! Big bat! Big bat!

BIKER #1

Six hundred lunges every night.

BIKER #2

Impressive.

LORELAI

[getting off the phone]

Thank you! [To Michel] We are booked, booked, booked. I now love bike riders so much, that from now on when driving I will no longer consider how many points I’d get if I took them out. What’s this? [Michel sets down the gift basket.]

MICHEL

This is for you, apparently.

LORELAI

A present? I love presents! I wonder who it could be from? [She reads the card.] Lorelai, a little something to make the trip over to the Durham Group a bit more fun. Mike Armstrong. Thank you, Mike Armstrong!

MICHEL

That is the man who wants to buy the inn, no?

LORELAI

Oh, my God! Look at all this stuff! Travel soap, travel candles, a travel blanket, cashmere travel pillow, cashmere socks, oh my God. This is La Mer youth serum. Apparently you put this on before you get on a plane, and by the time you get off you’re Dakota Fanning. Michel, take something! What do you want?

MICHEL

The memory of those bikers poking each other in the buttocks ‘Eternal Sunshine’d out of my mind.

LORELAI

Come on, Michel, take something. You love products.

MICHEL

You’re going to do it, aren’t you?

LORELAI

[sniffing a candle]

Do what?

MICHEL

You’re going to sell the inn to Mike Armstrong.

LORELAI

Ooh, Euros. Cool.

MICHEL

You’re going to sell the inn to Mike Armstrong, and then you’re going to go off and have a wonderful life and I’m going to be unemployed. A very attractive asset on the dating scene. You know, we have our own little section at Match.com.

LORELAI

Michel, stop it. I’m probably not going to take the deal.

MICHEL

You’re not?

LORELAI

This is my inn. I love it here. It’s just fun being wooed, you know? Having someone want you enough to send you Prescriptives misting lotion.

MICHEL

Fine. If you say so.

LORELAI

Oh, hey, did the handyman get here yet? That loose banister’s making me nervous.

MICHEL

He has not come. Should I call him again?

LORELAI

No. Forget it. I’ll call Luke. He’ll come fix it, and all it’ll cost me is my honor.

MICHEL

Hm. What a lovely arrangement you two have. [He picks a bottle out of the basket and leaves.]

PROFESSOR

And the countdown continues. Twenty-five more minutes, people. Can you stand the excitement? I know I can’t.

LUKE

I’ve only got ten minutes. What do you need?

LORELAI

Oh! The banister’s loose upstairs.

LUKE

Okay.

LORELAI

The window in room three is stuck. The barn door’s off its tracks again, and ooh, hey, did you bring your jackhammer?

LUKE

Did you hear the part about I’ve only got ten minutes?

LORELAI

Window in room three is stuck.

LUKE

Let’s go.

LORELAI

But, if you fix it really quickly, the banister is right on your way back down, so really you might as well take a look at that, too.

LUKE

[referring to the gift basket]

What’s all this stuff?

LORELAI

That is my big, fancy present.

LUKE

From who?

LORELAI

From Mike Armstrong.

LUKE

Who the hell is Mike Armstrong?

LORELAI

He’s my other lover. He owns a diner in Woodbury. I didn’t want you to find out this way, but –

LUKE

[reading the card]

The Durham Group.

LORELAI

Yeah, they’re the hotel chain who wants to buy the inn.

LUKE

What are they sending you gifts for?

LORELAI

Well, either they’re disproportionately worried about my cuticles, or they can’t live without me and they are begging me to accept their offer.

LUKE

To buy the inn.

LORELAI

Yeah. They’ve been after me ever since that meeting.

LUKE

What meeting?

LORELAI

The meeting with Mike Armstrong.

LUKE

I didn’t know you had a meeting with Mike Armstrong.

LORELAI

Yes, you did.

LUKE

No I didn’t.

LORELAI

Yes you did. You told me to have a meeting with Mike Armstrong.

LUKE

I know, but you never said anything, so I figured it went away.

LORELAI

Oh. Well, I had a meeting with Mike Armstrong.

LUKE

And?

LORELAI

And what?

LUKE

And what happened?

LORELAI

Nothing. He talked, I listened. I told him I’d think about it.

LUKE

Think about it.

LORELAI

Yeah.

LUKE

About selling the inn. And then, after you sell the inn, then what?

LORELAI

I’d be like a consultant for their company.

LUKE

Is that what you want?

LORELAI

I don’t know.

LUKE

Are you going to take this job?

LORELAI

Probably not. I’m still mulling.

LUKE

Mulling! You’re still mulling? She’s still mulling!

LORELAI

Why are you so upset?

LUKE

I’m not upset! I just can’t believe you’re still mulling!

LORELAI

Luke!

LUKE

I mean, you’re seriously considering selling the inn and taking this job. I mean, where’s their office, anyway?

LORELAI

They’ve got a bunch of them. I don’t know where exactly I’d be.

LUKE

Well, shouldn’t you ask?

LORELAI

Hello, mulling.

LUKE

I mean, they could send you anywhere!

LORELAI

Luke!

LUKE

And then there’s all that travel. There’s travel, right?

LORELAI

Yes. No, I don’t know. What are you freaking out about?

LUKE

[hysterical]

Well, what about the kids?

LORELAI

What kids?

LUKE

Uh, nothing. Never mind, forget it. I’m going to – [He points up the stairs.] Fix the window.

LORELAI

Luke.

LUKE

Room three. Got it.

LANE

Mama! It’s me, Lane!

MRS. KIM

Over here, in the twenty percent off section.

LANE

Am I disturbing you?

MRS. KIM

No. But it is past their bedtime. [She holds up two dolls, which she is putting away in a dollhouse.] That was a joke.

LANE

You’re in a good mood.

MRS. KIM

I had a good day.

LANE

Sell a lot of things?

MRS. KIM

You would like to see my receipts?

LANE

No.

MRS. KIM

My inventory reports?

LANE

No, Mama, I was just making small talk.

MRS. KIM

You would like some tea?

LANE

No, I just want to tell you something.

MRS. KIM

All right. [They sit.] Tell me something.

LANE

It looks like the band may be breaking up. We’ve hit a rut. We can’t get enough gigs to get any momentum, and, I don’t know. It’s just not working.

MRS. KIM

I see.

LANE

I think I may need to move back home. I realize that if you allow me to do that, then I will have to abide by any rules you feel necessary. I also anticipate the words ‘Seventh Day Adventist college’ will come up, so I’ll go shopping for some Peter Pan collared shirts tomorrow.

MRS. KIM

No more band?

LANE

No more band.

MRS. KIM

You are not the daughter I raised!

LANE

What?

MRS. KIM

[standing]

Kims don’t give up!

LORELAI

Sorry, sorry, sorry. The inn was swamped. These bikers are like rabbits who don’t eat carrots, too much sugar. [She sits down.]

RORY

Mm, sugar!

LORELAI

The fitness craze is completely lost on us.

RORY

I’m starving.

LORELAI

Me too. [She picks up a menu.] Hey, so how’d your final go?

RORY

It went well.

LORELAI

Yeah? And you finished packing?

RORY

All packed, all boxed. I just have one more trip to school and home and then I’m done.

LORELAI

Ah. It’s going to be nice to have you home for a while.

RORY

I’m glad you feel that way.

LORELAI

Yeah. The place hasn’t had a decent dusting since you left. [Rory rolls her eyes.] Hey, do you think today is the day we’re finally going to go through all twelve layers of the twelve-layer German chocolate cake? The bikers have demonstrated the importance of challenging oneself.

RORY

Mom.

LORELAI

Rory.

RORY

I have to tell you something.

LORELAI

Okay. Wow, there’s something about Weston’s, it’s always the place where we ‘talk’.

RORY

We could go somewhere else.

LORELAI

No, no, no. Tell me.

RORY

[pauses, breathes deeply]

I have decided that I’m not going back to Yale next year.

LORELAI

I’m sorry, I don’t think I heard you correctly

RORY

I’m not going back to Yale next year.

LORELAI

But why?

RORY

Because I’m not sure that it’s the right place for me. And I’m not exactly sure what I’m going to do with my life, and –

LORELAI

Since when are you not sure what you’re going to do with your life?

RORY

Mom –

LORELAI

You’ve known what you wanted to do with your life since you were three. Be a journalist.

RORY

Maybe not.

LORELAI

Oh. This is about Mitchum Huntzberger.

RORY

No, it’s not.

LORELAI

Rory, honey, I know that what he said hurt you, and that shook you up and you lost your confidence, but that was just one man’s opinion.

RORY

It has nothing to do with what he said. And Mitchum Huntzberger happens to be the top newspaper guy in the country.

LORELAI

So what?

RORY

So if you’re going to get one man’s opinion, he’s the one man you get.

LORELAI

You’re not thinking. This is the man who doesn’t want you to marry Logan.

RORY

That wasn’t him. It was Logan’s mother and his grandfather.

LORELAI

And you really think he’s okay with it? I mean, his while family looks at you and sees Anna Nicole Smith, and they tell you that to your face, but he thinks you’re swell and wants to pay for the honeymoon.

RORY

That’s not why he said what he said.

LORELAI

He’s messing with your mind. He has so many motives that have nothing to do with your abilities!

RORY

That’s not true! He said I can’t do it, so I can’t do it!

LORELAI

Why are you so willing to believe this guy?

RORY

Logan agrees with him.

LORELAI

He said that? He told you he agrees with has father? Because if that’s so, he’s a fantastic boyfriend. Really, quite a catch.

RORY

No, he didn’t say it. I could just tell.

LORELAI

How?

RORY

I could tell. He ranted about his father being a jerk, and speaking his mind, but he never said that he was wrong.

LORELAI

Rory, come on. What kind of logic is that?

RORY

It doesn’t matter. This isn’t about that. I told you. I just need some time.

LORELAI

You’re making a mistake.

RORY

No, I’m not! This is normal! College kids take breaks like this all the time. You didn’t go to college, so you don’t understand.

LORELAI

No, I didn’t go to college. I wasn’t lucky enough to go to college.

RORY

Trust me, this is very normal.

LORELAI

No. You are not quitting Yale.

RORY

Yes I am!

LORELAI

You’re acting incredibly immature. And I know it’s because you’re hurt, but you have got to get a grip! This is too important! You’ve been working towards Yale your whole life!

RORY

No. I was working toward Harvard my whole life.

LORELAI

Okay, fine. Then go to Harvard. That’s cool.

RORY

I don’t want to go to Harvard!

LORELAI

Then go to Princeton or Stamford or Columbia!

RORY

I want time off!

LORELAI

If you leave Yale now, you’ll never go back. You’ll lose momentum.

RORY

Momentum toward what? All I’ve been doing is working toward being a journalist! I’m not going to be a journalist, so what momentum am I losing exactly?

LORELAI

You don’t want to be a journalist, fine! I don’t care about that! But you stay in school, you take some classes, you figure out what you do want to be!

RORY

That’s not what Yale is for!

LORELAI

That’s what college is for!

RORY

Yale’s expensive!

LORELAI

Are you paying?

RORY

I don’t want to do that! I don’t want to wander around a school where everyone else is focused and working toward something and I’m just floating!

LORELAI

So what’s the great master plan, then, huh? You’re going to move back home, live in your room, work part-time at the bookstore? Forget it. Not an option.

RORY

I’ll figure it out.

LORELAI

[grabs her purse]

I’m not hungry.

RORY

Look, I’m not going back. I just wanted you to know.

LORELAI

Message sent.

CAESAR

Luke, you were looking for Taylor?

LUKE

Yeah.

CAESAR

He’s right outside.

TAYLOR

Go, Connecticut!

LUKE

I’ll be back in a minute.

LUKE

Hey, Taylor?

TAYLOR

Uh, hello, Luke.

LUKE

You said I had three days, right?

TAYLOR

Three?

LUKE

For the house. Three days to back out.

TAYLOR

Well, I didn’t say that, the law did.

LUKE

Fine, whoever said it, I want out.

TAYLOR

What?

LUKE

Forget the house! Forget the whole damn thing! I don’t need it anymore.

TAYLOR

Why, Luke!

EMILY

I have a lunch with Sunny Kingsman today. And then I have to stop by the club at four. Some of the girls are having an impromptu birthday cocktail with Melly Rutkers. Though the last thing Melly needs is another excuse for a midday cocktail. [Richard continues to read silently.] I can stop by the cleaners on my way home if you want to have something pressed for your trip this weekend.

RICHARD

Uh-huh.

EMILY

[realizing he’s not listening]

And then after the cleaners I thought I’d run off with Marshall, the golf instructor at the club. Do you think you could manage to get your own dinner tonight?

RICHARD

That’ll be fine, Emily.

EMILY

I wonder who that could be, first thing in the morning?

RICHARD

Perhaps it’s Marshall, the golf instructor, unable to wait until after Melly’s party to have you. I know I couldn’t.

EMILY

You do surprise me, Richard Gilmore.

LORELAI

Hey, um, I’m sorry to interrupt your breakfast.

EMILY

Lorelai?

LORELAI

Uh, I need to talk to you guys about something.

RICHARD

Is everything all right?

LORELAI

Well –

EMILY

Sit down, Lorelai. Davita, bring a coffee cup for my daughter!

RICHARD

I have to call the office if this is going to take long.

LORELAI

No, Dad, it won’t, I just, um. I need your help.

EMILY

Call the office, Richard.

LORELAI

No, Dad. I promise, it’ll be quick. Rory’s quitting Yale.

RICHARD

What? What are you talking about?

LORELAI

Thank you.

EMILY

What do you mean, Rory’s quitting Yale? Why would you joke about something like that?

LORELAI

What makes you think I’m joking?

EMILY

Because Rory would never quit Yale! This must be one of your bits. You scare us with something horrible, like Rory’s quitting college, and then after we have a heart attack, you tell us you were just kidding. You’re having a sex change operation.

LORELAI

Mom. Dad. I’m not having a sex change operation.

RICHARD

I don’t understand this. Rory’s doing beautifully at school. Why would she want to leave?

LORELAI

Okay, look. I know you love Logan and the Huntzbergers, and you already have the wedding invitations printed and ready to go, but I have to tell you these are not good people.

RICHARD

Meaning what?

LORELAI

Logan’s mother and grandfather attacked Rory at that dinner they invited her to. They told her she wasn’t good enough to marry into the Huntzberger family, and she wasn’t who they wanted for Logan.

EMILY

Not good enough?

LORELAI

Then Mitchum Huntzberger gave Rory that internship, theoretically to make up for that evening. He let her work for a while, he built her up, and then he clobbered her. He told her she doesn’t have what it takes to be a journalist, and she needs to find something else to do with her life.

RICHARD

[shocked]

What?

LORELAI

This happened on Friday night, Mom, that’s why Rory wasn’t at dinner. She was devastated. Then she went to find Logan at the yacht club, and the two of them stole a yacht!

RICHARD

No, stop it! Stop it, right now!

LORELAI

They were arrested and I had to pick Rory up from the Bridgeport police department.

EMILY

Oh, no.

LORELAI

Ever since she got involved with these people, things have been bad. She’s up and she’s down and she should be stronger than this, I know, but she’s young and she’s Rory and she’s come so far, she’s worked so hard. I just don’t want her to lose this.

RICHARD

[pulls a notebook out of his pocket]

What do you want us to do?

LORELAI

Well, I’ve already told her that just coming home and bumming around Stars Hollow is not an option, and I was thinking Friday night at dinner we could triple-team her. I bet between the three of us we could knock some sense into her. But I really need the two of you to back me up on this.

EMILY

Well, of course we’ll back you up! This is not happening!

RICHARD

How much trouble is she in with this yacht incident?

LORELAI

She’s going to need a lawyer.

RICHARD

I’ll call Charlie Newman.

EMILY

Are we sure we want to wait until Friday? Should we confront her now?

LORELAI

No, I think we should give her a chance to cool off a little, maybe some time will make her more receptive.

RICHARD

I agree with Lorelai. Give the girl some time.

EMILY

All right. Friday night it is.

LORELAI

Thank you. Just, thank you. [Richard smiles at her.] I should get going. Dad has to get to work.

EMILY

Would you like something to eat?

LORELAI

No. I just got everything I need.

RICHARD

Davita, could you come here please?

RICHARD

Look at these shoes and tell me, do these look like the same color to you? They’re supposed to be the same color, they were bought at the same time, they’ve been residing in the same box. However, on closer examination, one of them seems a little faded. What do you think?

RICHARD

What’s the matter? I was just asking your opinion. Davita, stop that shaking right now. This is not a trick question. I just wanted an opinion from – oh, for heaven’s sake. Go back to your work.

RICHARD

So I guess I’ll get that.

RICHARD

Rory.

RORY

Can I come in?

RICHARD

Oh. Well, all right. Come in. I didn’t expect to see you until dinner tonight.

RORY

I needed to talk to you.

RICHARD

Yes, well, your grandmother is running some errands and I was just doing some work in the house, so –

RORY

Well, I assume you’ve heard about everything by now.

RICHARD

Yes. Well, I believe I’ve heard some bits and pieces. You know, I really was in the middle of something Can this possibly wait until tonight? I’ll give you my full attention, I promise.

RORY

Everything’s falling apart. I messed everything up, I don’t know what to do.

RICHARD

Your grandmother should be back any minute. [Rory cries.] I can have a maid make us some tea.

RORY

[hugs him]

I’m so sorry, Grandpa! I’m so sorry about everything! I just, I don’t know what to do. I don’t.

RICHARD

[hugs her back]

It’s all right. Everything will be all right.

GIL

Where is she, dude?

ZACH

Don’t know, man. I’m not a warden.

BRIAN

This is the second emergency band meeting in a week.

GIL

And time is pressing. I have a ten-pound salami sitting out in the van.

GIL

Do not giggle. [He gestures to his delivery uniform.] This is not nerdy. This is a job.

BRIAN

Hey, can one of you quiz me on the open house procedures?

ZACH

Level twelve, dude.

GIL

I’ll do it. [He takes the book from Brian.] True or false. Simmering some apple juice and a couple of cinnamon sticks makes a pleasant aroma indicating ‘home’ to prospective buyers.

BRIAN

True.

GIL

I’d add a little potpourri to the johns, too.

ZACH

Geez!

MRS. KIM

All boys here?

ZACH

Yes.

MRS. KIM

Good.

LANE

[smiling]

Guys. Guess what.

ZACH

Your mother just took ten years off my life?

LANE

We are going on tour.

BRIAN

We are?

GIL

What are you talking about?

MRS. KIM

All of you. Gather round, please. [They look at each other, dumbfounded.] Do not stand there looking stupid! Move! [They obey.] Okay. You start at the First Lady of Our Sacred Heart on the fourth. The Church of the Open Hand on the sixth. Chapel Hill on the tenth. The big auditorium, not the Sunday school room.

ZACH

Are you sensing a pattern here?

GIL

Well, they do have kind of a horseshoe shape. It looks pretty well thought out.

ZACH

No. They’re all churches.

LANE

Not churches. Theatres in churches.

MRS. KIM

I have contacts with the entire east coast’s Seventh Day Adventist entertainment circuit. Dates back to my days in an all-girl Christian tambourine band.

ZACH

What?

MRS. KIM

I have you booked solid for two months. Families in each town will take you in, feed you, put you up –

GIL

I don’t know. This seems a little weird.

MRS. KIM

Weird? What weird? You need to play, here’s places to play. Nice places. Clean places. [She points at Gil.] Don’t wear that outfit on stage.

GIL

It’s my delivery outfit! Lane, tell her I don’t dress like this.

MRS. KIM

I need to see your songs.

ZACH

Why?

MRS. KIM

To see if you need to make any adjustments. Lyrics must be clean.

ZACH

Okay, that’s where we draw the line. We will not change our lyrics.

MRS. KIM

Oh, please. Prince made fifty-seven million take home last year. He didn’t swear, and he mentioned God. Catch up. Okay, last problem. Transportation.

BRIAN

Hey, what about the van?

MRS. KIM

What van?

LANE

Gil’s delivery van.

MRS. KIM

You have van?

GIL

Yeah. Right outside. Full of salami.

MRS. KIM

Let’s see this van!

ZACH

Lane! We can’t go on some crazy Christian crusade tour!

LANE

It’s a tour, Zach! It’s a chance to play, to keep our band together. Isn’t that important? Who cares where we’re playing? Our music will be out there.

BRIAN

A tour would be kind of neat.

GIL

Brian, if you do a tour right, it could be way more than neat.

MRS. KIM

Gil, get over here!

GIL

Yes, ma’am!

MRS. KIM

This is your van?

GIL

Yes. But it’s not really big enough for a tour van.

MRS. KIM

What are you talking about? All twenty-seven girls and their tambourines would fit very nicely in here. Legs crossed, of course.

GIL

But –

MRS. KIM

Drums go there, bass goes there, guitars go there, Lane rides up front, and we get rid of the big salami. Pop the hood, I need to check the engine!

LANE

Okay, okay! I know. It’s not perfect. It’s not the Festival Express, but it could be really great. What do you say?

GIL

I think it’s freaking crazy. Which also happens to be completely rock and roll. Let’s do it!

LANE

Seriously?

GIL

Totally!

BRIAN

Century 21’s been around for over thirty years. I’m sure they’ll be here when I get back.

LANE

Zach?

ZACH

Well, geez, Dorothy, if Tinman and Lion are going to go, I guess I have to go too. [He pulls himself up like the Scarecrow.]

LANE

Yay!

GIL

Yeah!

MRS. KIM

Gil, get over here and pop the hood, now!

GIL

Yes, ma’am.

MRS. KIM

I haven’t got all day.

GIL

I’m sorry.

MRS. KIM

You’ll need new hoses, spark plugs, oil change.

GIL

Wait, let me write this down.

LORELAI

Hi.

DAVITA

Can I take your coat?

LORELAI

Thank you.

EMILY

[OS]

Lorelai, we’re in here.

LORELAI

Oh, hey! I thought I’d come a little early so we could strategize.

RICHARD

Sit down, Lorelai.

LORELAI

Okay. Uh, Rory should be here pretty soon, so –

RICHARD

Your mother and I have been talking about the situation. We have discussed the matter thoroughly, and we have come to a decision. [He pauses.] Rory will be taking some time off from Yale. She will be moving into the pool house here with us. We will find her some sort of suitable job through one of our friends, and then after a suitable amount of time has passed, we will revisit the subject of her returning to school.

EMILY

Where are you going?

LORELAI

I was sitting right here. I came in, I sat right here, and we had the conversation, right? I mean, I’m not imagining it, right?

EMILY

Lorelai –

LORELAI

I had coffee, you had grapefruit –

RICHARD

Lorelai –

LORELAI

Dad was reading the paper, he had to go, so I said I’d make it quick, and we sat here, and we talked about how we were going to stick together and convince Rory to go back to school! That did happen, right? I mean, I’m not completely whacko.

RICHARD

Yes, it did happen.

LORELAI

I mean, obviously I’m a little whacko, because I came here for help in the first place, but I’m not totally delusional!

RICHARD

There were other things to consider.

LORELAI

You said you would back me on this! You said you weren’t going to let this happen!

RICHARD

Rory is young. And I’m sure, once she’s had some time and some space she will change her mind. But for now, this is what she wants to do. And we need to respect that.

LORELAI

Have you talked to Rory about this? Your great plan, does she even know about it?

RICHARD

Yes! She’s fine with the arrangement.

LORELAI

So you went to her. Behind my back.

RICHARD

She came to me, Lorelai. She told me what she wanted in her own words!

LORELAI

Wow, so that does work occasionally with you, huh?

EMILY

This makes sense. We don’t want her to move in with Logan, do we? And since you don’t want Rory to move back home to Stars Hollow it just makes sense that she move in here with us!

LORELAI

I don’t under -

RICHARD

To watch her. Keep her from getting into trouble. We can get her back on track! [Lorelai walks out.] You’ll understand that once you calm down and think about it rationally!

TAYLOR

This is unacceptable! Completely unacceptable! What time is it?

KIRK

Ten o’clock.

TAYLOR

It’s not! It is not ten o’clock! Is it ten o’clock?

KIRK

[hesitates]

No.

TAYLOR

They were supposed to finish the race at twelve. That’s twelve noon! When the sun is out and the press are here and the people are interested in buying t-shirts. Nobody buys t-shirts at ten o’clock at night!

KIRK

Sweatshirts, maybe.

TAYLOR

Well, we’re not selling sweatshirts, are we? All that planning. I finally had to send the marching band home. It was past their bedtimes! I have never met such soft, whiney six-year-olds in my entire life. If this was Dickens’ day, they all would have been sold to a cobbler by now.

KIRK

I think I see someone coming.

TAYLOR

Oh, really? At ten-ten they come rolling in, huh? [Yelling at the bikers] You’re late! You’re late! You’re all late! You, and you, and you!

LORELAI

[quietly]

Rory dropped out of Yale.

LUKE

What?

LORELAI

She dropped out of Yale and she moved in with my parents, who I went to for help, and they stabbed me in the back. Everything we worked for. All these years. Her whole future. She was supposed to have more than me. She was supposed to have everything. That was the plan. We had a plan.

LUKE

Okay, I’m sorry. I have to jump in here. Uh, I know you think you have this thing handled, but I can help. First off, we call Yale and we tell them something like, uh, Rory had a chemical imbalance and she was mentally out of her mind when she told them she was dropping out. And then we get her out of your parents house whatever way we can. We lock her up in her room with you, because you can talk anybody into anything. And if worse comes to worst, we will drive her to school every day and we will follow her to class and camp out there to make sure she goes. I’ll take morning classes, you take afternoon classes, or the other way around, if it works out better for your schedule. And I know there’s a few kinks to work out, the kidnapping thing might be a little problematic but either way, she is not quitting school. This was her dream. I am not going to let this happen.

LUKE

What?

LORELAI

Luke, will you marry me?

LUKE

What?