T5E21: “Blame Booze and Melville”

EMILY

This feels so decadent. Isn't this decadent?

RORY

Very decadent.

LORELAI

Are there more marshmallows?

EMILY

All you two have been dipping is the marshmallows! You haven't touched the kiwi, or the pineapple, or the tangelo slices.

RORY

But it's fruit.

EMILY

Fruit is good for you.

RORY

We're fondue purists, Grandma.

LORELAI

Yeah, we dip old school.

EMILY

The government says you should have nine servings of fruit and vegetables per day.

LORELAI

Imperialist propaganda.

RORY

I think Noam Chomsky would agree.

LORELAI

I bet Noam doesn’t dip fruit.

RORY

Or laugh. Ever seen that punim on him?

LORELAI

Easter Island.

EMILY

Luminista, please bring more marshmallows.

LORELAI

Bless you.

EMILY

So, I’d love to get your opinion on something.

RORY

Sure.

EMILY

The City Ballet is in trouble. We’ve given so much over the years, but it’s never enough to cover everything they need.

RORY

I hate that.

EMILY

So, we’re trying something new. Select patrons, such as myself, are sponsoring individual dancers. Help me pick one.

LORELAI

Pick what?

EMILY

My dancer! I get to take one home. Bios are on the back.

LORELAI

And this is legal?

EMILY

Of course it’s legal.

RORY

[shrugs]

Do you want a boy or a girl, Grandma?

EMILY

I’m thinking a little girl. Cute and petite.

RORY

They’re all petite.

LORELAI

But not all cute. This one should fouetter over to the dermatologist.

EMILY

Oh, yes, I’d rather not look at that.

LORELAI

Really, Mom, this is a little bit creepy.

EMILY

It’s not creepy! We’re endowing dancers so that they don’t have to worry about money. It’s nice.

LORELAI

Well, Gregorio here looks pretty well-endowed already. [She passes his card to Rory.]

RORY

Here’s a little cutie patootie. [She passes the card to Emily.]

EMILY

Oh, she’s darling! Look at those little feet!

RORY

[to Lorelai]

Whoa, you were right! This Gregorio guy, what’s up with that?

EMILY

Rory!

LORELAI

Just a little girl talk, Mom. Who are we offending?

EMILY

Let’s make two piles. One for the maybes, one for the nos.

LORELAI

Sandpaper face is a no?

EMILY

Definitely.

RORY

What about Endowment Boy?

EMILY

[pause]

The maybes.

RORY

You go, Grandma.

LORELAI

I bet Gregorio would be good dipped in chocolate.

LORELAI

Sorry.

LORELAI

I don’t know. Adopting a ballet dancer? The whole thing sounds very shady.

RORY

It’s good to support the arts any way we can, even the shady-sounding ways. Hey, you took my book bag! I need that!

LORELAI

Oops, sorry. [She pulls the book bag out of her Jeep.] So you really think that transferring your stuff bit by bit like this is the way to go, huh? Easier than renting something, doing it all at once?

RORY

Oh, you really want to re-live the U-haul incident of May 2004?

LORELAI

[indignant]

Ah! You make one iffy u-turn.

RORY

We were in a tunnel!

LORELAI

A wide tunnel.

RORY

Going the wrong way down a one-way street.

LORELAI

They don’t let you forget.

RORY

Yeah, I’ve got that elephant’s memory when it comes to nearly dying. Hey, you took my book bag again!

LORELAI

Ah!

RORY

So, hey. Let’s finalize our plans for Thursday.

LORELAI

Right. So Jackson says that Sookie has been napping between eleven and twelve-thirty every day. We can count on it.

RORY

Must be nice to nap without feeling guilty.

LORELAI

Get pregnant and you’ll have an excuse.

RORY

No thanks.

LORELAI

So, meet me at their house at noon. Bring decorations and she’ll wake up to a nice, fun, surprise baby shower.

RORY

You got it.

LORELAI

I think it’s cool we waited this long to throw it. She’s totally not going to expect it.

RORY

Plus we forgot.

LORELAI

But only we know that.

RORY

And I’m not telling.

LORELAI

Good. Bye, hon.

RORY

Mom, my purse!

LORELAI

Oh, sorry.

KIRK

Luke, can I have a word with you?

LUKE

Yes.

KIRK

You overcharged me for the toast. It’s only supposed to be a dollar.

LUKE

I didn’t overcharge you, Kirk. I raised the price of wheat toast. It’s a dollar ten.

KIRK

You’re kidding.

LUKE

I don’t do toast humor.

KIRK

A dollar ten from a dollar? That’s a ten percent bump.

LUKE

It’s a dime, Kirk.

KIRK

I could refuse to pay.

LUKE

Then I’ll steal your bike.

KIRK

That’s never worked before.

LUKE

I haven’t raised the price of my toast in seven years, Kirk. It’s still a bargain.

KIRK

I’ll give you a dollar four.

LUKE

No.

KIRK

A dollar five. That’s my last offer.

LUKE

Do I look like E-bay?

KIRK

I take my toast dry. Isn’t there a butter and jam discount?

LUKE

No.

KIRK

What about your chairs? I’m light, and I tend to plop my butt directly on the chair without sliding, so there’s practically no wear and tear.

LUKE

There’s no discount for direct butt-plopping.

KIRK

What about –

LUKE

Fine. A dollar five. It’s a dollar five. You got it.

KIRK

Thanks. That’s very nice of you.

LORELAI

Hey!

LUKE

You raise something from a dollar to a dollar ten, is that such a big deal?

LORELAI

Well, that’s ten percent, so percentage-wise it’s not so tiny –

LORELAI

Did I step into something here?

LUKE

You know, I shouldn’t have gotten into a business that involves dealing with people. [He points at Kirk above his head.]

LORELAI

Hey. [She holds up a magazine.]

LUKE

Hey! Your cover!

LORELAI

I got an advance copy!

LUKE

Oh, look at the inn! It looks beautiful.

LORELAI

I know.

LUKE

I’ve got to get a new pair of pants.

LORELAI

Okay. That didn’t exactly follow.

LUKE

You know, for the party they’re going to throw you.

LORELAI

You don’t need new pants. You just need pants. And the party’s in New York, so you may not even need pants.

LUKE

I’ve got to get a copy.

LORELAI

[hands him a copy]

You’ve got a connection.

LUKE

I want to get a bunch, though. Frame one or two of them. How’s the article? What’s it say?

LORELAI

It was then, sadly, that I discovered Luke could not read.

LUKE

You know what I mean.

LORELAI

People are going to think I wrote it. I mean, it’s big. I nearly cried when I read it.

LUKE

Good.

LORELAI

And the fact that when Emily Gilmore reads it, she’s going to hire men to attack me with tire irons, well, that’s something else altogether.

LUKE

What’d they put in?

LORELAI

Not every heinous thing I said about her, but enough. I mean, it’s good stuff, it’s funny. Maybe if I just told them not the face.

LUKE

Who?

LORELAI

The guys, with the tire irons.

LUKE

I think you should just show it to her and get it over with.

LORELAI

Mm, maybe. Yeah. You’re probably right.

CAESAR

Hello. [Pause] Hold on. [He presses the phone to his chest.] Hey, Luke, it’s for you. It’s Taylor.

LORELAI

Caesar! You just broke Luke’s standing ‘when Taylor calls I’m out even if he can see me through the stupid connecting window’ rule.

CAESAR

I can tell him you’re out, and that Duke, your evil identical twin is in town.

LUKE

No, no. I’ll take it. I actually have to discuss something with him. [He takes the phone.] Hello.

TAYLOR

Luke! Hey, buddy!

LUKE

Hey. Buddy.

TAYLOR

So the powers that be have signed off on you purchasing the Twickham house! All that’s left is dotting the i’s and crossing the t’s.

LUKE

[calmly]

Okay. Fine.

TAYLOR

Ooh, sorry. Lorelai’s there, can’t talk now, right?

LUKE

Pretty much.

TAYLOR

You know I’m a bit of a romantic, Luke. The thought of you buying this house for your burgeoning family is quite touching. I almost tear up. Heh. Adds to the tax base, too.

LUKE

Well, good. Talk to you later.

TAYLOR

Goodbye!

LORELAI

Wow. You and Taylor seem to be getting on very well these days.

LUKE

Yeah, well. He’s been cooperating with me on certain matters.

KIRK

[at a table]

Luke! I think the sales tax is off by a penny! In fact, I’m sure of it. I’m ready to go to the mat on this one.

LUKE

[to Lorelai]

Those guys with the tire irons. Where did your mother get them?

LORELAI

The D.A.R. And they don’t work for outsiders.

LUKE

[sighs]

Show me the penny, Kirk.

RORY

Hey, Al. Hey, Pete. Hey, Lance. [Hands a file to a woman.] This goes to metro, a.s.a.p.

WOMAN

Okay.

CHARLIE

Rory, if you see Patel, tell him I’m looking for him.

RORY

Got it.

RORY

Need ‘em back by five, gentlemen.

MAN

Thanks, beautiful.

RORY

Manners, boys.

HARRY

Rory, you got those obituaries?

RORY

Yeah, just give me five minutes.

HARRY

Lot of dying today.

RORY

I hear that.

MAN

Thank you!

RORY

Oh, Patel. Charlie wants to see you.

PATEL

You remember Audrey?

RORY

I can.

PATEL

Give her this.

RORY

Okay, will do.

LOGAN

Hey, Ace!

RORY

Hey! You’re early.

LOGAN

Well, there’s a first for everything. Where’s the fire?

RORY

Oh, just south of the ninety-five. It’s a four-alarm. We’ve got Kessler on it. [She delivers the file to Audrey.] This is from Patel.

AUDREY

I’m not talking to him.

RORY

I’ll tell him. [To Logan] How did you know about the fire?

LOGAN

[laughing]

I didn’t. I meant where are you going in such a hurry?

RORY

Oh. I’m at half-speed compared to this morning. [They arrive back at her workstation.] Oh, no.

LOGAN

What?

RORY

I’m gone for five minutes and this place becomes a dumping ground.

LOGAN

I’m loving the totally non-generic feel of your space, here.

RORY

I have customized it somewhat. [She points to a picture on the wall.]

LOGAN

Eccentric uncle?

RORY

Brian Eno.

LOGAN

I was close. So let’s go.

RORY

It’s four-thirty.

LOGAN

So cut out early. There’s nothing going on here.

RORY

We’re doing our rough front page. We’re picking our leads, our photos. It’s our busiest part of the day.

LOGAN

So the people of Stamford don’t get their paper tomorrow, they’ll turn on the radio.

RORY

I can’t go.

LOGAN

I know the boss.

RORY

So do I.

LOGAN

But I know how to work the boss. At least a little. I know he’s somewhere in the vicinity.

RORY

Who, your dad?

LOGAN

Can’t you sense it? The flurry, the shuffle of sycophants –

MITCHUM

Hey! Someone new. Have we been introduced?

LOGAN

Jose Canseco, post-steroids. Should be a warning to people.

MITCHUM

Are you keeping Rory from her work?

RORY

I was just about to call security.

MITCHUM

Does everyone know about the –

RORY

Noon on Friday, main conference room, come with your game.

MITCHUM

Good. [To Logan] You call your mother about the Vineyard?

LOGAN

She’s on my list.

MITCHUM

Push him on that, won’t you? [Rory nods.] I’m going to four if you want to catch up.

RORY

Okay.

MITCHUM

See you.

LOGAN

Enjoy four. [To Rory] What’s four?

RORY

Fourth floor.

LOGAN

You news people and your jargon.

RORY

We have our own language.

LOGAN

So he treating you all right?

RORY

Who, your dad? They’ve been great.

LOGAN

You sure?

RORY

Yeah?

LOGAN

Just checking. So what do you think about Friday.

RORY

An excellent alternative to Thursday.

LOGAN

My sister’s engagement party?

RORY

Oh, right. I’m going to try. I’m dying to see the yacht.

LOGAN

Well, it’s going to be full of Honor’s ditzy friends, but the harbor’s cool. Try and leave your grandparent’s dinner early. They get you every Friday night, why not let me have one?

RORY

You’re very one-note today.

LOGAN

Well, I miss you, Ace.

RORY

Well, I’ll have more free time once finals are over and summer’s here, unless I get that summer job here.

LOGAN

Well, you’re probably a shoo-in. My father seems to like you.

RORY

Oh, I hope so! I love it here.

LOGAN

Okay. So, I’ll just go hang somewhere till you’re done?

RORY

I’ll be done six-thirty, seven at the latest.

LOGAN

[whining]

Ace!

RORY

Six forty-five.

LOGAN

So, maybe I’ll be hanging on two, or five. Is that the right terminology?

RORY

You’re getting it!

LORELAI

Come on! Please.

LUKE

I’m done.

LORELAI

No, you can’t be done.

LUKE

I’m done!

LORELAI

There’s more, I know it! It’s germinating.

LUKE

I’m done, I’m at peace. There is no more. [Pause.] Just the smell of Manhattan!

LORELAI

I knew it. There was more.

LUKE

I mean, forget about the smells you can’t identify. The ones you can identify are putrid! I mean, if it’s not that rank smell of hot dog gushing out of those dirty sidewalk carts, it’s the stench of the subway pouring out of the dirty grates! I mean, the manhole-cover steam? God knows what that steam is. You can’t get a breath of fresh air!

LORELAI

Go, Luke! Rant, Luke!

LUKE

The whole city is a decaying heap. It’s too many people crammed into too many buildings on too small a piece of land. It’s an experiment that’s failed. They should just give the whole island a push and float it over to Europe.

LORELAI

But after we see Spamalot! Right? I paid a lot for those tickets.

LUKE

I’m fine with an urban environment. But you need land around your space. Air to breathe. [He takes a deep breath.] I’m done again.

LORELAI

I love ranting Luke.

LUKE

Why does this song keep playing?

LORELAI

Because I put the CD player on repeat with my fancy remote in my fancy limo. Hey, do a limo rant. I bet that’s a good one.

LUKE

No, that’s right they sent you a limo. You deserve it.

LORELAI

And it enabled us to drink and not drive.

LUKE

That’s good too.

LORELAI

Hey, I heard there was good food at this party.

LUKE

I heard that too.

LORELAI

Huh. Never made it to the food, did we?

LUKE

I had three peppermints I took from the bowl in the men’s room, gave the attendant a five, ‘cause it’s all I had.

LORELAI

Made it to the bar, though.

LUKE

Yeah. We should’ve eaten something before we went.

LORELAI

Who knew we’d keep missing the trays?

LUKE

But I’m not hungry. But I’m something, what am I?

LORELAI

You’re drunk.

LUKE

[laughs]

Right. I haven’t been drunk in years.

LORELAI

Hey, have I thanked you enough for escorting me, and being such a good sport and shaking hands with all the big city folk you don’t like, and putting extra cherries in my Manhattan?

LUKE

Yeah. You did.

LORELAI

There’ll be more thanking. Later on tonight.

LORELAI

Tastes like peppermint.

LORELAI

Hi, you’re late.

RORY

[getting out of the car]

Sorry. Oh, it’s only a little after noon. I’m not that late.

LORELAI

Well, we have very limited time during Sookie’s nap, here. I just don’t want to blow it. Hold on. [She notices the bags Rory is carrying.] You went to Doose’s for baby shower decorations?

RORY

Well, I didn’t know where else to go.

LORELAI

A decoration store.

RORY

Is there such a thing?

LORELAI

Yes. What did you get?

RORY

Um, poppers. Taylor had nine left.

LORELAI

Okay, well, there’s ten of us, so someone doesn’t get to pop.

RORY

Well, I’ll pass on the pop. And there’s plates, and cups, and –

LORELAI

[grabbing the cups]

Chicks being hatched? That’s Easter.

RORY

No, I know, but I figured hatching is birth, so we’re right on topic there. Seventy percent off, too.

LORELAI

What else?

RORY

Uh, New Year’s Eve balloons with Father Time and the New Year’s baby on them. We’ll blow them up and cheat the old man side to the wall so we can’t see it, and then change the word ‘year’ so it says ‘happy new baby’.

LORELAI

Oh, that’s just sad.

RORY

Hey, what’s with the attitude?

LORELAI

No attitude.

RORY

You’ve been Anne Sexton since I pulled up.

LORELAI

Sorry. Think I just slept a little funny. All right. Come on, let’s get up in there while we still have the chance.

RORY

Okay.

JACKSON

Look out! Coming through!

SOOKIE

It’s happening! It’s happening!

LORELAI

Oh my God, it’s happening?

RORY

You mean it’s happening, happening?

SOOKIE

It’s coming round the mountain.

RORY

Oh, I can’t watch this!

JACKSON

Go get her suitcase! It’s by the front door.

RORY

I’ll grab her suitcase! [She runs into the house.]

SOOKIE

Oh, I’m freaking out Rory!

LORELAI

It’s okay. She’s a traditionalist. When she has a baby, she’s going to be out in the waiting room, pacing and smoking.

RORY

[returning with the suitcase]

We should have thrown her the baby shower earlier! Then I wouldn’t have had to watch this.

SOOKIE

[getting into the van]

Oh, you guys were going to throw me a baby shower?

LORELAI

We were going to set it up during your nap.

JACKSON

Want a boost?

SOOKIE

I can make it.

RORY

[eyes closed tight]

Oh, God.

LORELAI

Watch it.

RORY

Sorry, I just really don’t want to see what’s coming round the mountain.

JACKSON

[getting into the driver’s seat]

See you guys at the hospital?

LORELAI

Yeah, you’ll see me.

RORY

Yeah, I have to go back to Yale.

LORELAI

Plus she’s thoroughly sickened by what’s happening to you right now.

RORY

I’m not sickened, it’s finals time. I’m stressed.

SOOKIE

Ooh! Contraction!

RORY

Oh, that’s pretty sickening.

JACKSON

Hang on.

LORELAI

Sorry you didn’t get your party.

SOOKIE

One little no-name to come.

JACKSON

We’ll see you there.

LORELAI

See you there.

RORY

Mm-hm.

LORELAI

You are going to open your eyes when you drive back to Yale, right?

RORY

Yes. I’m just giving them a five minute head start. We’re taking the same road.

LORELAI

Good thinking, honey. [She kisses her head.] Bye.

RORY

Bye.

KIRK

I know he wants the bone. I know there’s going to be a complication getting the bone, but Marmaduke still cracks me up every time.

KIRK

Refills are still free, right?

LUKE

Yep. They’re still free.

LUKE

Luke’s.

TAYLOR

Luke, it’s Taylor.

LUKE

Oh, hey, Taylor, how’s it going?

TAYLOR

Not so well. I mean, for you. It’s going very well for me. I just had a group of German tourists come in and they’ve been shoveling it in since they sat down.

LUKE

What do you mean, it’s not going well for me?

TAYLOR

It’s the Twickham house. Someone has put in a competing offer.

LUKE

A competing – Taylor! You promised that house to me!

TAYLOR

And I did all that I could! But this other offer includes a substantial down payment in cash! The powers that be are seriously considering selling the house to this fellow townsman of yours!

LUKE

I’ll up my offer.

TAYLOR

This guy’ll just up his, then! He’s got vast resources!

LUKE

How many resources can he have? He’s living in Stars Hollow!

TAYLOR

Luke, he’s willing to put down a quarter of a million dollars!

LUKE

What? That can’t be right!

TAYLOR

That’s what it is.

LUKE

I know everyone in this stinking town. What fellow townsman has a quarter of a million dollars in cash?

TAYLOR

I’m not sure I’m at liberty to say.

LUKE

Tell me, Taylor.

TAYLOR

Okay.

LUKE

Say that name again? [Pause. Blank stare.] I’ll talk to you later.

KIRK

Sally Forth is on fire today. On fire!

LUKE

Where did you get a quarter of a million dollars!

KIRK

What? I don’t have a quarter of a million dollars.

LUKE

You don’t?

KIRK

No. Just shy. It’s $247, 868. Sixty-seven, if I get a couple of donuts to go. Those chocolate raised are calling my name.

LUKE

Where the hell did you get that much money?

KIRK

I’ve been working for eleven years, Luke. I’ve had fifteen thousand jobs. I’ve saved every dollar I’ve ever made. That and the miracle of compound interest has created a bounty of a quarter of a million dollars. Again, just under. I don’t want to brag.

LUKE

You put a competing offer on the Twickham house.

KIRK

That’s right. It’s the perfect place for me and Lulu.

LUKE

You know I have an offer on that house.

KIRK

[shrugs]

I’ve heard talk to that effect.

LUKE

Take it back. Take back the offer.

KIRK

No. You take yours back.

LUKE

I had a deal with Taylor before you even knew that house was available!

KIRK

You get it in writing?

LUKE

No! But –

KIRK

Mm. An oral agreement’s only as good as the paper it’s written on. Hey, that would be a good line for Dennis the Menace after he fails to mow Mr. Wilson’s lawn. I should send that in.

LUKE

This is not going to go down this way. You are not getting that house.

KIRK

Au contraire, my friend. I happen to know that your credit’s not exactly stellar.

LUKE

My credit?

KIRK

Granted, you’ve got some real estate holdings, but your cash flow’s been flat for three years, and unless you’re willing to sell off assets, you may be able to swing no more than a five percent down payment, which makes you a real estate risk.

LUKE

How do you know the state of my assets?

KIRK

That’s the power of deep pockets, Luke. Put a solid buck in the right hands and they babble like parrots.

LUKE

Well, I am one of Stars Hollow Bank’s oldest customers. I’m not anticipating any problems.

KIRK

Well, I’m Stars Hollow Bank’s biggest customer. I think that means more.

LUKE

I don’t believe this! You’re swimming in cash and you fought me over a ten cent raise on toast!

KIRK

And you folded like a road map. That might explain the discrepancy in our net worths. So, I think I will have those donuts to go. You’ve got change for a hundred, right?

TAYLOR

Das ist gut, ya?

LUKE

I want to talk to the town elders!

TAYLOR

The town elders?

LUKE

You keep talking about the powers that be. That’s the town elders, right?

TAYLOR

Yes.

LUKE

Well, they oversee the town assets, the real estate, I want to see them.

TAYLOR

They won’t go for that, Luke.

LUKE

Why?

TAYLOR

It isn’t how it’s done! They don’t deal with the public. They’re the final arbiters. What they say goes.

LUKE

I’m seeing them.

TAYLOR

But –

LUKE

Arrange it.

JACKSON

Are you breathing, honey?

SOOKIE

I’m breathing. Hey, was that Andy Dick out in the hallway?

JACKSON

No, honey. This happened last time. You go into labor, you start thinking you see famous people.

SOOKIE

Right. Suddenly my midwife was Wolf Blitzer.

LORELAI

Hey, you need me to unpack you?

NURSE

You probably don’t have to. We have everything she needs all set up. [She leaves the room.]

JACKSON

You know, we guys always pack a suitcase. Useless. So, have you been thinking about names? I’m leaning toward Ethan for a boy. Or Glenda if it’s a girl. Although I like Martha, too. And Rupert for a boy.

SOOKIE

They’re all good, sweetie.

JACKSON

Hey, whatever we don’t use, we just save for the next one, right?

SOOKIE

Right, right. The next one.

JACKSON

[to Lorelai]

Hey, will you stay with her? I’ve got to go call my most delivery guys and let them know what’s happening.

LORELAI

Yep. I’ll be here. [Jackson leaves.] Comfortable?

SOOKIE

I am, Penelope Cruz.

SOOKIE

Really?

LORELAI

What?

SOOKIE

You’re eating an apple?

LORELAI

Oh, I’m sorry. I’ll put it away.

SOOKIE

No, eat! I’m just surprised, it’s not your thing.

LORELAI

I know! But we were by a vending machine checking you in. It was there, and it looked good. [She takes a bite.]

SOOKIE

It does look good. Oh, it looks like Ben Stiller.

LORELAI

Hm. [She examines the apple.] Um, hey, Sookie, um, when did you know for sure?

SOOKIE

About what?

LORELAI

That you were pregnant. How could you tell?

SOOKIE

Don’t you remember? ‘Norman Mailer!’

LORELAI

Mm. Right, right. Norman Mailer.

SOOKIE

I wonder how Norman is. I had a dream about him the other night, and he was yelling at someone to shut up and read Joyce.

LORELAI

How long was the Norman Mailer moment after you and Jackson, uh, conceived?

SOOKIE

Wow. Uh, well, I don’t know, a few weeks?

LORELAI

It was weeks?

SOOKIE

I think.

LORELAI

And you didn’t know before? Not a feeling, or anything?

SOOKIE

I don’t know. You’ve had one before, don’t you remember?

LORELAI

Yeah. It’s been a while.

SOOKIE

Why are you asking?

LORELAI

Oh, I don’t know. Just being in a maternity ward makes me wonder about these things.

NURSE

[arriving]

I’m going to see how far along she is. We’ll be a couple of minutes.

LORELAI

Oh, sure. [She whispers to Sookie] She looks like Marlo Thomas.

SOOKIE

See? It’s not just me.

LORELAI

I’ll be outside.

LORELAI

Oh, excuse me, uh, Doctor?

DOCTOR

Yes.

LORELAI

Hi. You’re not off to save a life, are you?

DOCTOR

Not at the moment.

LORELAI

Okay. Just, quick question. Um, pregnancy tests. What’s the deal with them now? I haven’t taken one in a couple of decades, and I was just wondering if they work any differently.

DOCTOR

No, they’re more accurate now, but the process is similar.

LORELAI

Okay, so let’s say you do it. Have sex. You know. How soon after can a test tell you anything?

DOCTOR

At least two weeks.

LORELAI

Not two days?

DOCTOR

It won’t be definitive after just two days.

LORELAI

Boy. Sword of Damocles is really hovering over you for a couple weeks, there, huh?

DOCTOR

Pretty much.

LORELAI

Home tests can be pretty tricky, too. Can’t buy one where I live, because people would see, and talk – it’s a small town. And even afterwards, the garbage man could see the box in the trash, and blab, and you know, I like my garbage man, but again, it’s a small town. It’s not your problem. So, there’s no machine?

DOCTOR

Machine?

LORELAI

Yeah, a machine you could stick me in. You know, putting pig vessels in people. Isn’t there a machine that could tell me right away, away from the prying eyes of the garbage man?

DOCTOR

You really need to wait and take the test at the proper time.

LORELAI

Okay, see, I’m eating an apple. Now, normally, this would not be a sign of anything except hunger. Except I don’t eat much fruit. I know I should, but I don’t have a hankering for it. Had it when I was pregnant with my first kid, though. Kept craving those apples. And this morning, boy, was I craving an apple.

DOCTOR

Well, that could be a sign.

LORELAI

It could?

DOCTOR

Or not.

LORELAI

Okay. You’re nice. You’re sweet. I’ve taken up too much of your time. Thank you.

DOCTOR

No problem.

LORELAI

Okay.

LORELAI

Hello?

EMILY

Lorelai, it’s your mother. I just have a quick question.

LORELAI

Okay.

EMILY

Well, I got my ballerina.

LORELAI

Oh, which one? Sachenka?

EMILY

No, I waited too long, and Mitzi Hertford sure scooped her up. It’s okay, because Sachenka tore a ligament last year and is probably washed up. I got Paola.

LORELAI

Oh, Paola.

EMILY

Blond hair, bullet body. So petite, but thighs that could break concrete.

LORELAI

Sounds good.

EMILY

They delivered her this morning and I have to tell you, it’s been so much fun! She speaks this charming broken English, and everything is so new and fresh to her.

LORELAI

I’m glad. So what’s up?

EMILY

Well, Paola wandered into your room looking for the bathroom, she really doesn’t know left from right, and she found that old toy of yours, the magic eight ball.

LORELAI

I can’t believe that’s still there.

EMILY

And she is mesmerized by it. She’s been playing with it ever since, asking it questions. She won’t put it down. And I was just wondering if I can let her keep it?

LORELAI

Oh, sure.

EMILY

It’s practically glued to her hand.

LORELAI

Hmm. Whatever Paola wants, Paola gets.

EMILY

Good. Thank you!

PAOLA

[from behind Emily]

It is yes! Yes! I’m going to be rich!

EMILY

I just want to hug the stuffing out of her! You’ll meet her tomorrow night at dinner.

LORELAI

I’m looking forward to it.

EMILY

Bye, and thanks again!

LORELAI

Bye, Mom.

RORY

Hey, how’s it going?

LORELAI

Oh, fine. She’s all checked in, breathing normally, contracting painfully. The cursing should start any time now, everything’s as it should be.

RORY

Good. I mean, that was weird, wasn’t it? She was like, what, a week and a half early?

LORELAI

Yeah, those little buggers tend to come when they want to come.

RORY

I still can’t get ‘coming round the mountain’ out of my mind. It’s like one of those phrases, like ‘drop it like it’s hot’ that I really wish I’d never heard.

LORELAI

Hey, um. [She glances at the guy sitting to her right, and gets up.] You’re doing everything you need to do in that area, right?

RORY

What area?

LORELAI

Um, protection, to prevent something from coming round the mountain.

RORY

I hope so!

LORELAI

Hope? This is not an area where hope is good enough.

RORY

I think I have it covered, and that wasn’t meant to be a euphemism.

LORELAI

Okay, ‘think’ is not good enough either. What kind of birth control do you use?

RORY

Um. [She glances around her.] I’m in the dining hall!

LORELAI

That was not my question.

RORY

People are, like, three feet away from me.

LORELAI

Listen, all I’m saying is you cannot leave it up to the guy, okay? They are not reliable.

RORY

I don’t leave it up to the guy!

LORELAI

They get into this state, you know? Primordial. It’s all very exciting, but so is eating a gallon of pudding, and believe me, you are going to regret that later. I use that as an example because I know you like pudding.

RORY

Okay.

LORELAI

You have got to figure, if he shoots, he scores. I mean, look around you. [She looks around.] There are babies popping out all over the place.

RORY

You are in a maternity ward! You’ve got a skewed sample there.

LORELAI

So you’re caught up on the subject?

RORY

You’ve caught me up. Society has caught me up. The health channel on cable has caught me up. Miss Driscoll, the sad spinster gym teacher at Stars Hollow High has caught me up –

LORELAI

Miss Driscoll. Right, like she would ever need birth control.

RORY

I’m caught up. Honest.

LORELAI

Okay. Good.

RORY

Mom. What’s going on with you?

LORELAI

Nothing.

RORY

Mom.

LORELAI

[sighs]

I might be pregnant.

RORY

Oh. [Pause] So, that’s where this is coming from.

LORELAI

I blame Mom. She never sat me down for the talk. And Miss Driscoll. She had her chance too, all those PTA meetings, and all she ever talked about was golf.

RORY

How did this happen? I mean, if it’s true?

LORELAI

Luke and I came home from the magazine party the other night. We were a little loopy and it got - primordial. All roadblocks down. I mean, I was always beyond careful. The last time I had my roadblocks down was, I don’t know, count how old you are to the day and add nine months.

RORY

But, that doesn’t mean –

LORELAI

I just ate an apple.

RORY

Uh oh.

LORELAI

Yeah, and I liked it.

RORY

Whoa.

LORELAI

My body is telling me something.

RORY

Maybe it’s not telling you what you think it is. Maybe it’s just telling you to better comply with the government’s recommendations for fruit and vegetable intake. That’s not just propaganda, you know.

LORELAI

Maybe.

RORY

And –

LORELAI

What?

RORY

Well, would it be so horrible? I mean, it’s Luke. [Pause.] It is Luke?

LORELAI

Yes, it’s Luke!

RORY

Well, you guys are so close, it could be headed somewhere.

LORELAI

I know, but not right now, hon. It’s early for us. You know? I mean, my life is going really good, just the inn and this new potential opportunity, and, you know. I just got rid of you. It’s the first time in my life I’ve gotten to feel like a single, grownup woman. Now is just not the right time.

RORY

Okay. Well, maybe it’s not true.

LORELAI

Yeah. Maybe.

RORY

But what are you going to do if it is?

LORELAI

I could really use my magic eight ball about now. I’m going to let you go, hon.

RORY

Keep me posted.

LORELAI

Okay. Bye.

MITCHUM

I’m early?

RORY

A little.

MITCHUM

It’s not ten after twelve?

RORY

Oh, your watch must be fast.

MITCHUM

My wife probably set it ahead to get me home earlier. Never works.

RORY

It’s eleven forty-nine.

MITCHUM

[re-sets his watch, looks around]

Charmless, isn’t it?

RORY

The room?

MITCHUM

Needs plants.

RORY

I can get plants.

MITCHUM

Ever been to the Tribunals? Chicago?

RORY

No.

MITCHUM

Cathedrals. Go if you ever get the chance.

RORY

I will.

MITCHUM

Going to get that?

RORY

Um, I’m not done here.

MITCHUM

You’ve got ten minutes. [He sits.] I’m going to stay here, catch up on e-mails and make everyone really uncomfortable that I beat them here.

RORY

Sounds good. [She answers her phone and stands outside the door.] Hey you!

LORELAI

It’s a girl.

RORY

A girl? Oh good, we need a girl!

LORELAI

Why do we need a girl?

RORY

I don’t know. Aren’t there enough guys walking around out there?

LORELAI

Well, it’s a beautiful girl, name to come, and Sookie’s fine, Jackson’s fine, everyone’s fine.

RORY

Good.

LORELAI

Fourteen hours of labor was the downside, but Sookie has the rest of her little girl’s life to get back at her for that.

RORY

I love the circle of life.

LORELAI

And there’s more good news.

RORY

What?

LORELAI

It was a false alarm. I’m not pregnant. The crisis has passed.

RORY

Oh, Mom. Good. I’m glad.

LORELAI

You’re glad? Huh. As the sight of babies isn’t freaking me out anymore, I can enjoy the maternity ward again.

RORY

So what was with the apple?

LORELAI

I don’t know. But I just had a Moonpie and a Ding-Dong and washed it down with an Orange Crush in the cafeteria, so no desire for anything nutritional.

RORY

Oh, thank God. I’m glad, Mom.

LORELAI

Yeah. So, listen. How about we reschedule Sookie’s baby shower?

RORY

How? It’s too late.

LORELAI

No. We’ll throw a ‘Welcome to the Earth, Baby Girl Belleville’ party. Did you save the decorations?

RORY

Still in my car.

LORELAI

How about Saturday morning? That’s when she gets home. Just come back with me tonight after dinner, we’ll set it up at her house.

RORY

Sounds good. Hey, um, did you ever mention this pregnancy scare to Luke?

LORELAI

My God, no. Can you imagine? ‘Uh, Luke, you’re going to be a daddy.’ Suddenly there’s nothing left but a puff of smoke and a baseball cap spinning on the floor.

RORY

Yeah. He never seemed much like a family guy. This is for the best. Listen, um, I’ve got to get back. We have a big staff meeting in a few minutes and I want to get back and make sure everything’s set up and ready.

LORELAI

I’ll see you tonight, my one and only offspring.

RORY

Bye.

LORELAI

Bye.

LORELAI

Congratulations!

MAN

Thanks.

JACKSON

She’s sound asleep.

SOOKIE

I’m not so bright-eyed myself.

JACKSON

Hey, before you go to sleep, we should probably decide on a name.

SOOKIE

I know. Names are so hard.

JACKSON

But the good thing, whatever names we don’t use now, we just use on the next one.

SOOKIE

Yeah. You know, we need to talk about that.

JACKSON

Sure.

SOOKIE

I probably should have brought it up sooner, sorry.

JACKSON

No problem. What?

SOOKIE

You’re getting a vasectomy.

JACKSON

What?

SOOKIE

You’re getting a vasectomy.

JACKSON

[laughs]

You got me. You got me. You’re funny. Dark, but funny.

SOOKIE

I’m not joking, sweetie. We’re cutting that tube. If it is a tube. I’m not really up on the procedure. The doctor doing it will be, though, so I’m sure he’ll know.

JACKSON

[stunned]

You’re not kidding.

SOOKIE

I’m not kidding.

JACKSON

Sookie, come on!

SOOKIE

Jackson, we have one of each. We’ve kept the species going.

JACKSON

But I wanted four!

SOOKIE

And I wanted three. This is a good compromise.

JACKSON

I’m sorry. Two is not a compromise between three and four.

SOOKIE

This is Reggie, he’s going to take you down and have it done.

JACKSON

I’m having it done today?

SOOKIE

Yep.

JACKSON

[looks at Reggie]

They sent the big nurse.

SOOKIE

Just in case.

JACKSON

Hey!

SOOKIE

You’ll get her back afterwards. Now, it’s just a quick outpatient procedure! You go in, lie down, close your eyes, snip snip, and you’re shooting blanks.

JACKSON

Is this all I’m having done today, or do I need to get some glute implants or something?

SOOKIE

It’s everything, I promise. Kiss before you go. [They kiss.] Hey, I just thought of the perfect name. First name Martha, middle name Janice-Lori-Ethan-Rupert-Glenda-Carson-Daisy-Danny.

JACKSON

[smiles]

You got them all in.

SOOKIE

Now go get cut.

LORELAI

Hi, Mom.

EMILY

Lorelai, come in, come in. I want you to meet my special guest.

LORELAI

I’m curious to meet her.

LORELAI

Oh, boy. She sure looked different in her picture.

EMILY

This is Mikhail. Mikhail, my daughter Lorelai.

LORELAI

[waves]

Hi.

MIKHAIL

Hello.

LORELAI

What happened to Paola?

EMILY

Oh, that annoying little stick? She drove me crazy.

LORELAI

Hm. You loved her.

EMILY

There was something wrong with her. So flighty, so skinny. She made no noise when she walked, so you couldn’t hear her coming. I felt like I was being stalked by an elf.

LORELAI

Thank you.

EMILY

She had the mentality of a preschooler. If she was sitting when she laughed, she would clap her feet together. Smoked like a fiend, too.

LORELAI

Uh-huh.

EMILY

And she kept playing with that obnoxious magic eight ball of yours. She’d ask it the same question over and over until she got the answer she wanted. I told her that’s not how it works. You’re supposed to accept the first answer it gives you and that’s that, but no. She kept going. I wanted to stick the little twig in the garbage disposal. So I exchanged her for Mikhail.

LORELAI

Really? You can do that, just trade her in for another human being?

EMILY

I paid for her, Lorelai, and she wasn’t what I wanted.

LORELAI

All right.

EMILY

Isn’t he stunning?

LORELAI

He’s easy on the eyes, yes.

EMILY

You should see him stretch. Do you want Luminista to take your bag?

LORELAI

No, I’m going to keep it with me. There’s something I want to show you.

EMILY

Oh, good. Shall we go in the living room? He’s learning English, so keep your words short. [Slowly] Living room!

MIKHAIL

[gestures for them to lead the way into the room]

Yes, please.

EMILY

What a value.

SAM

How interested are Stamford residents in a city forty miles away?

LUCILLE

They’re interested.

SAM

That just takes resources away from covering local events.

LUCILLE

That are less interesting than events taking place in New York City.

SAM

If they’re that interesting, we should take a couple of our own calendar staffers. Freelancers are a pain in the butt.

LUCILLE

So, Franz Ferdinand comes to New York, forget freelancers, you’ll go cover it?

SAM

I didn’t say that. Who’s he?

HARRY

He’s a band.

SAM

Watch it, Pisher.

MITCHUM

Even I knew that, Sam.

SAM

Mitchum, please. Arbitrate.

MITCHUM

And spoil the fun? No way.

SAM

It’s your money.

LUCILLE

Money well spent.

LLOYD

It’s not your money, Lucille.

MITCHUM

Look, keep the system as is. We don’t even have office space for extra people, let alone the budget. Go to Universities. [He glances at Rory. She nods back.] Yale, wherever. Get volunteers to pick up what our staff can’t cover. Those kids jump at the chance.

HARRY

I’ll pick up some slack.

SAM

After you pick up my dry cleaning, right?

HARRY

I’ll pick that up too.

MITCHUM

Good, Harry, don’t let him push you around.

CHARLIE

Are we going to end this marathon before we get to subscriptions? Please say no.

SAM

Charlie’s feeling neglected again.

MITCHUM

Where are we with our sales department, Charlie?

CHARLIE

Abundant turnover. We have to start paying more.

MITCHUM

Oh!

LUCILLE

That got the boss where it hurts.

MITCHUM

Minimum wage plus twenty percent commission?

CHARLIE

And all the stale pastry they can eat.

MITCHUM

Up it to thirty.

LLOYD

Okay, now I’m in pain.

MITCHUM

Crunch the numbers, Lloyd, and get them to me. You never go behind the back of Captain Crunch!

LLOYD

[to Charlie]

We should get together Monday.

MITCHUM

Let’s all resume this Monday. Go home! [They get up to leave.] Meet your kids, feed your dogs! Have a good one.

RORY

That was fun.

MITCHUM

Yeah. Yeah, that’s the way those things should go. Give and take. The less I say, the better.

RORY

Can I get you anything?

MITCHUM

No, I’m about to take off, here.

RORY

Okay.

MITCHUM

So, I’m going to be pulling back here soon.

RORY

From the paper?

MITCHUM

I’ve done my damage. It’s time for them to take it and make something of it.

RORY

Oh. Okay.

MITCHUM

I’ll probably be in Monday, maybe Tuesday, then not so much, after that.

RORY

Well, I’m happy to keep going. Even without you here.

MITCHUM

You know, you and I haven’t really sat down and talked about the situation, about how you’re doing here, and all.

RORY

Well, you’ve been busy.

MITCHUM

I’ve meant to. Offered you the job, took you under my wing. It’s part of the deal.

RORY

Great! I’d love your feedback.

MITCHUM

Go on and sit.

MITCHUM

I’ve worked with a lot of young people over the years. Interns, new hires. I’ve got a pretty good gut sense for people’s strengths and weaknesses. Whether they have that certain something to make it in journalism. It’s a tough business. Lot of stress.

RORY

[smiling]

Definitely.

MITCHUM

And I have to tell you. You don’t got it.

MITCHUM

Now, guts can be wrong. Mine’s been wrong before. But not often.

RORY

I thought I was doing okay.

MITCHUM

I just don’t really think that you have the drive to put yourself out there, to be honest. To get a story. To dig. I mean, just now in this meeting, I encouraged everyone to say whatever they wanted. You said nothing.

RORY

I wasn’t sure if I should.

MITCHUM

Exactly. I mean, you saw Harry. He jumped right into the fire. You didn’t.

RORY

But Harry’s not an intern!

MITCHUM

Doesn’t matter.

RORY

[near tears]

I’ve always done what’s asked of me.

MITCHUM

See, the thing is, in the real world, it’s not always good enough to do just what’s asked of you.

RORY

But I thought I was in a really good rhythm with everyone here.

MITCHUM

I’m not saying you’re not competent. You’re smart. You’re terrific at anticipating needs. Actually, you’d make a great assistant.

RORY

Oh.

MITCHUM

I’m sorry. It’s not my pleasure to disappoint someone like you. Especially you. What with the extenuating circumstances. But it’s healthy. I don’t know any other way. I don’t B.S.

RORY

I should get back.

MITCHUM

Hey, listen. I know this is rough, but, uh, I may have just done you a big favor.

RORY

Oh. Okay. Thanks.

KIRK

He had no contract. He had nothing in writing. Granted, his offer matched the fair market value of the property but it was a rigged bid situation. The house wasn’t even officially listed for sale.

TAYLOR

It wasn’t a rigged bid, Kirk!

ELDER #1

That’s for the courts to decide.

ELDER #2

Get to the point, Kirk.

KIRK

The house should be re-listed. You should take the best offer from the person with the best chance of securing financing. That person is me.

ELDER #2

All right. Luke, what do you have to say to that?

LUKE

What the hell are we doing in a steam room?

TAYLOR

Luke, I explained to you that if you wanted to see the town elders you had to do it on their terms.

LUKE

This is ridiculous. I can’t think in here.

ELDER #1

You should strip and get in a towel!

LUKE

I’m not getting in a towel.

KIRK

I think he’s got body issues.

LUKE

I don’t have body issues. I just don’t agree with what’s going on. How it’s going on.

KIRK

Town elders, I don’t think it’s appropriate for the defendant to address you in this tone, is it?

LUKE

I’m not the defending, Kirk. This isn’t a court. It’s not even a room. It’s a box full of hot air.

KIRK

Now he’s insulting you.

LUKE

Listen. Old guys. I should get the house.

ELDER #2

Watch your manners, young man!

LUKE

I can get a loan –

KIRK

But I have deep pockets! Not now, I mean, right now I’m naked, but my pants have pockets.

LUKE

Who are you guys, anyway? What gives you the authority to make town decisions?

TAYLOR

Luke, this isn’t helping.

KIRK

He’s a hothead with body issues and shallow pockets.

LUKE

This isn’t right. Taylor and I had an agreement.

KIRK

He needs therapy and probably pills.

SUPREME ELDER

Luke should get the house.

LUKE

What?

KIRK

What?

SUPREME ELDER

It’s the right thing to do. Kirk may have a better claim technically, but Luke wants it more.

KIRK

But –

SUPREME ELDER

I knew Luke’s father. His grandfather. We all did. He’ll care for the house because he cares so much about it. He wants it for him and Lorelai.

LUKE

For me and - [He points accusingly at Taylor] Did you –

SUPREME ELDER

We all watched Luke pine for Lorelai for nine long years. He waited for her while she went through her many relationships. He won her. Now he wants this for her. And for the others.

LUKE

Others? What others?

SUPREME ELDER

You’ll bring children into the house.

KIRK

I’ll bring children into the house, too! Maybe not my own.

SUPREME ELDER

It’s right for Luke to have it. Kirk is young. There’ll be other places for him to go. That’s what I think.

ELDER #2

Well I agree.

ELDER #1

Me too. Luke should get the house.

KIRK

Rip!

LUKE

Thank you. Thank you, sir.

KIRK

Hey, Luke, it’s a big yard you’ll have there. A lot of lawn. I was wondering if we could talk about my rendering garden services? I have tools.

MIKHAIL

Sarrusta.

EMILY

Sarrusta.

MIKHAIL

Fantastic.

EMILY

And where is your town, Sarrusta?

MIKHAIL

Just outside Moscow.

EMILY

It sounds wonderful.

MIKHAIL

Our people die very young there.

EMILY

Oh. Well, that doesn’t sound so good. [To Lorelai] What’s in the bag?

LORELAI

Hm?

EMILY

You’ve been clutching that bag all night. What’s in it?

MIKHAIL

She’s got mystery bag.

EMILY

A mystery bag! Yes! What’s in the mystery bag?

LORELAI

Oh. Well, um, this is my cover story.

EMILY

Your cover story? I thought it wasn’t coming out for two weeks. Let me see that.

LORELAI

Okay.

EMILY

Lorelai owns an inn, uh, what would you call it, maybe a dacha?

MIKHAIL

Dacha? Yes.

EMILY

This is it. [She shows him the photo on the cover.]

MIKHAIL

Ah, fantastic!

LORELAI

Thank you.

MIKHAIL

Great dacha, this dacha!

EMILY

Are there other pictures with the article?

LORELAI

Uh-huh. Go ahead and read it. We have time before dinner, right?

EMILY

We can’t start dinner till Rory gets here. [To Mikhail] You’re going to love my granddaughter. You’ll just want to pick her up and throw her in the air. Give one to Mikhail, it’s how he’s learning English.

LORELAI

Got plenty to go around.

EMILY

Oh, gorgeous!

LORELAI

Yes.

EMILY

[smiles up at Lorelai]

It’s a rave.

LORELAI

We got lucky.

LORELAI

I’ll be right back.

EMILY

Where are you going?

LORELAI

Uh, I’ll just, I’ll be right back. Sit, Mikhail. I mean, I didn’t mean that as a command. But please, have a seat. I’ll just, I’m going to –

EMILY

[OS]

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Lorelai!

EMILY

[OS]

Lorelai! Are you in there?

LORELAI

No!

EMILY

[OS]

Come out of there.

LORELAI

No.

EMILY

[OS]

This is pathetic!

LORELAI

I know.

EMILY

[OS]

The things you say in this!

LORELAI

I, I know.

EMILY

[OS]

Calling me Pol Pot!

LORELAI

Mom, it was meant as a joke! The Pol Pot, the walking anthrax. I was just being edgy, like Chris Rock!

EMILY

[OS]

Walking anthrax!

LORELAI

You haven’t gotten to that part yet?

EMILY

[OS]

No!

LORELAI

Well, something to look forward to!

EMILY

[OS]

I’m not going to continue talking about this through the door.

LORELAI

Look, Mom, I was mad at you when I did the interview, okay? And I said things, but I didn’t mean them, it just happened! And I’m not used to talking to reporters. I didn’t know about the whole ‘off the record, on the record’ thing. But I know now. And I’m really sorry it happened.

EMILY

[OS]

I did not force Jimmy Carter out of his room at that hotel.

LORELAI

See, now that I thought was just an amusing anecdote.

EMILY

[OS]

I did not get into a, quote, bitch-fight with him. He’s an ex-president! It was with that insufferable Rosalyn.

LORELAI

Again, Mom, I am really, really sorry, and unless you forgive me, I, I am going to camp out in here possibly forever. Mom, I’m just – don’t tell your friends about the article, so they won’t read it, and the ones who do, just tell them I was misquoted and I would recommend that you stop reading the article right now, and just look at the pictures. The pictures are really pretty. [Pause, Lorelai waits for a response.] If you are applying explosives to the door, please tell me, so I can step away.

EMILY

[OS]

I’ll stop reading.

LORELAI

And we won’t talk about it again, ever?

EMILY

[OS]

Fine. Come out.

EMILY

Let’s go back to the living room.

LORELAI

Okay, Mom.

MIKHAIL

Goodbye, Mrs. Gilmore.

EMILY

Mikhail, where are you going?

MIKHAIL

I must leave!

EMILY

Leave? Why? Mikhail!

EMILY

Mikhail!

LOGAN

Hey! You’re here early!

RORY

I guess.

LOGAN

Way early. Did you skip your dinner?

RORY

Come down here, so I don’t have to yell.

LOGAN

So there she is.

RORY

Who?

LOGAN

The boat. Calling them ‘she’ is one of the most fun nautical traditions.

RORY

Right. Something sexist in that, I’m sure.

LOGAN

I’m sure. [He kisses her.] So how’d you get away?

RORY

I don’t know, I just got away.

LOGAN

I’m glad.

RORY

So, who is she?

LOGAN

Who?

RORY

The girl on the boat.

LOGAN

Okay, I’m sorry, we were just calling the boat a she. I’m a little bit behind but I’m catching up. She’s a friend of my sister’s.

RORY

Well, I didn’t mean to interrupt anything.

LOGAN

You weren’t interrupting anything.

RORY

Looked like I was.

LOGAN

I’ve known her forever.

RORY

Well, I didn’t mean to pull you away.

LOGAN

We were just talking. Me, her, and her husband. If you want, I can have them pull out pictures of their two-year-old. Ben has them in his jacket pocket.

RORY

Do you even want me here?

LOGAN

Ace, I invited you here.

RORY

Right. On Friday night, when you knew I couldn’t come.

LOGAN

It’s my sister’s party. I didn’t pick the night.

RORY

Traffic sucked getting here.

LOGAN

Sorry, but I can’t do anything about the traffic either. Can we just, um –

LOGAN

What the hell is wrong with you?

RORY

Nothing. I’m just in a weird mood.

LOGAN

I’ll say.

RORY

I’m sorry, I just – can we go somewhere else?

LOGAN

What?

RORY

Let’s go somewhere else. I don’t really feel like being around people.

LOGAN

Okay, name it.

RORY

Will your sister mind?

LOGAN

I’ve been here for an hour and a half, I’ve talked to everybody. My duty is done. Where do you want to go?

RORY

I don’t know. Somewhere. Far. Out there.

LOGAN

Where?

RORY

Out to sea.

LOGAN

Out to sea.

RORY

Yeah. Let’s take that fancy-pants yacht of yours for a spin.

LOGAN

Tricky, since it’s about to head out with all of my sister’s friends on it.

RORY

Oh. Well, don’t you have another one?

LOGAN

Not here.

RORY

Well, where’s the other one?

LOGAN

Far away. Let’s just drive somewhere. Let’s go to New York.

RORY

I don’t want to drive. I want to be out there, just the two of us. Alone.

LOGAN

Well –

RORY

You know the beginning of Moby Dick, when the narrator says that when he finds himself growing grim about the mouth and wanted to knock people’s hats off, he takes to the sea?

LOGAN

Yeah.

RORY

Well I feel like knocking people’s hats off.

LOGAN

So I guess we got to take to the sea.

RORY

[nodding, looks around]

That one looks good.

LOGAN

Yeah.

RORY

Nice and seaworthy.

LOGAN

Not ours to take.

RORY

[shrugs]

That ever stopped you before?

LOGAN

[smiles]

I think I’ve been a bad influence on you, Ace.

RORY

Let’s go, Huntzberger.

LOGAN

Let’s go.

LORELAI

See, I was mad at Mom – Mrs. Gilmore, here, at the time, and I ended up saying things I shouldn’t have said, because, you see, normally, I don’t make jokes about Joseph Stalin. They’re inappropriate. I just said it, and just to this writer, and she printed it. I mean, she’s not Joseph Stalin. And, not that there’s any excuse, but there is no way I could have known that a Russian man whose entire family and their village was killed by Stalin would be reading this in front of me, I mean, there’s just no way.

EMILY

She has this off-putting sense of humor, Mikhail. You’d know that if you spent time with her.

LORELAI

Yes, you would. You would know that.

MIKHAIL

Yes.

LORELAI

I mean, Joseph Stalin was a monster. So, please, stay. You just caught us on a bad day.

MIKHAIL

All right.

LORELAI

Um, this must be Rory. [She pulls the phone out of her bag.] Excuse me. [She gets up.] Hello?

RORY

Mom.

LORELAI

Hey, um, when are you getting here? I really, really want you here.

RORY

You need to come and get me.

LORELAI

Where are you?