T5E20: “How Many Kropogs to Cape Cod?”

LORELAI

So is this more or less fun than watching the same T.V. show at the same time?

RORY

I think it's more.

LORELAI

You know, if we died right now, and decomposed, it would vacuum us up and no one would ever know.

RORY

Freaky.

PARIS

[singing]

I'm walking on sunshine! Whoa! I’m walking on sunshine, whoa! I’m walking on sunshine, whoa! And don’t it feel good! Hey, all right!

RORY

Hey!

PARIS

What?

RORY

Learn a new song, or I am tying you to a chair and putting Hotel Rwanda on again.

PARIS

It’s love, baby. Deal. [She brushes her hair.]

RORY

You’re not going to use that as a microphone, are you?

PARIS

Oh, no, Reverend has the town band dancing and singing? [Paris grins.] I’m really happy.

RORY

Doyle, I assume?

PARIS

You know, he calls me his girlfriend now with no visible shaking.

RORY

I’m happy you’re happy.

PARIS

So, how are things with Logan?

RORY

[smiling]

You want to hand me that hairbrush?

PARIS

Look at us. We’re happy, we have boyfriends! This is infinitely better than any mood stabilizer I have ever been on.

RORY

Oh, shoot, what time is it?

PARIS

It’s Hammer time.

RORY

It’s Logan. Hairbrushes down.

PARIS

You got it.

LOGAN

Evening, Ace.

RORY

Hi.

PARIS

Nice. Very nice.

RORY

Hey, you want to see my room? It’s far away from here.

LOGAN

Super idea.

RORY

Hello.

LOGAN

Hello.

RORY

What are you thinking about?

LOGAN

Whether or not you’ve ever woken up with Paris standing over you with a knife.

RORY

Not recently. She’s been in a good mood.

LOGAN

Why is that?

RORY

Because she’s in love.

LOGAN

With Doyle?

RORY

Yes, with Doyle. And do not mock or make fun, because when Paris is happy, the whole world is happy. But when she’s not happy, the whole world is Deadwood.

LOGAN

Got it. You hungry?

RORY

Yes, I’m starving. Just let me get my sweater. [She opens her closet.] Hey, what do you think of this dress? Does it look newspaper-y enough?

LOGAN

What?

RORY

I’m trying to figure out what to wear on my first day at the paper.

LOGAN

Ah, the internship rears its ugly head again.

RORY

I want to look professional but not too Lois Lane-y, and I don’t want to look like a college kid.

LOGAN

You are a college kid.

RORY

Not on Monday. On Monday, I am a newspaper woman. And I have to look like a newspaper woman.

LOGAN

Whatever you wear will be fine.

RORY

I’m so excited. [She hangs up the dress.]

LOGAN

I can tell.

RORY

Oh. Last night, I couldn’t sleep, so I Googled your father.

LOGAN

Excuse me?

RORY

Twelve thousand fifty three items came up. I could only pull up a couple thousand, but it really helped. [She holds up the stack of papers, flipping through them. Logan looks amused and a little disturbed.] He was born in 1953, Episcopalian, second of four children, oldest boy, Yale undergrad, star of the track team. No grad school. Interesting. Then he had a couple of lost years. Kind of a blank period, a little Jesus thing going on there. Worked as a reporter and editor for two of the Huntzberger papers before taking over as CEO of the company!

LOGAN

Uh –

RORY

I mean, when you look at all these accomplishments, the man must never sleep!

LOGAN

Well –

RORY

Ah. Mm-hm, four hours a night. Just like Clinton.

LOGAN

You don’t have a wall in a secret room with pictures of my father pasted all over it, do you?

RORY

Logan, I’m going to be interning for him. I need to know everything about him. Is he an egghead? Because he seems very roll-up-the-sleeves-y. But he’s written about everything, from foreign affairs, domestic policies. He had a wine column, for God’s sake. I should learn more about wine.

LOGAN

Look, Rory –

RORY

What are his politics? He’s unbelievably neutral in his writing! Right wing, left wing, middle wing. Oh, the man was short-listed for the Pulitzer for covering the Iranian hostage crisis when he was twenty-five!

LOGAN

Yeah, I heard something about that.

RORY

Twenty-five! How did he do that? Especially considering his lost years? He’s a born journalist. I mean, what does he read? What papers, what journals? Come on, tell me something.

LOGAN

He hates peas.

RORY

Logan, I need your help here.

LOGAN

Rory, my dad and I basically have two conversations. ‘Logan, you’re not living up to your potential’ and ‘Logan, when you’re sailing close-hauled, wait until you gain that last bit of boat speed before you pull in the jib sheet.’ That’s it.

RORY

But –

LOGAN

Ace! You’ve learned more about my father in one night than I’ve learned in my whole life! Don’t worry. You’re going to be fine! Now, I thought we’ve established that we’re both starving.

RORY

Yes, we have. Let’s go.

RORY

Oh! Wait! Your dad covered Haiti in 1985. Must learn more about Haiti. Got it. Okay, let’s go. Hey, have you ever discussed Pinochet with him? Because one time he wrote –

LOGAN

Peas, Ace. Peas.

RORY

Right. Sorry.

PROFESSOR

As we move on from the empiricist to the rationalist, it would be good to start thinking about the differences between the A posteriori truths, and the Apriority truths of the rationalist, which exists independent of experience. So for Wednesday if you would all take a crack at the first five chapters of Spinoza’s Ethics. That is, those of you who’s entire weekend won’t be consumed by books on wine and Haiti.

RORY

Yes. My interests are teasingly diverse.

PROFESSOR

Whatever. See you all on Wednesday.

RORY

Hello?

LORELAI

Ah, thank God. Did you return the blue sweater?

RORY

Oh, no.

LORELAI

Answer, please.

RORY

Two days ago.

LORELAI

Why?

RORY

Why? Because two days ago you asked me to take it back. Demanded me, in fact.

LORELAI

And suddenly you’re just so freakin’ reliable, you just hop to it and do whatever I say?

RORY

I’ve always been freakin’ reliable. It’s how I was raised.

LORELAI

Oh, so blame me.

RORY

I am not returning the blue sweater again, so don’t think about asking.

LORELAI

But I want it, I need it.

RORY

I’ve already returned the Capri pants twice. I’ve tried to return a couple of your other items that were all sales final, which makes me look retail simple. And this is not the first, but the second time I will have returned the blue sweater.

LORELAI

Ooh, the Capri pants. Have you taken those back yet?

RORY

I can’t show my face in any stores in New Haven. They think I’m Paper Mooning them.

LORELAI

[proud]

Oh, she was very cute in Paper Moon. You’re very cute, too.

RORY

Calling me cute is not going to persuade me. And I have classes. A life.

LORELAI

Monday afternoon. That’s your free time, right? I remember some bragging to that effect. Go back on Monday.

RORY

Oh. Well, Monday used to be free.

LORELAI

Used to be? It’s not free anymore?

RORY

I guess we haven’t talked in a couple of days. Um, I actually got an internship.

LORELAI

Really?

RORY

Kind of an important high-profile one.

LORELAI

Wow! That’s great!

RORY

It’s for a newspaper in Stamford that Logan’s dad acquired. He offered me the spot himself.

LORELAI

Logan’s dad.

RORY

Yeah. It was kind of out of the blue.

LORELAI

So when did you hear?

RORY

Just a few days ago. I forgot I hadn’t told you, I start on Monday.

LORELAI

Wow, congratulations!

RORY

It’s a pretty amazing opportunity.

LORELAI

Yeah, sounds like it. You’ll be having lunch with the off-bet editors from the Times. Hanging out with Peter Jennings. Dan Rather will be valet parking your car.

RORY

Yeah, it’s more likely that I’ll be pulling wire reports off the AP machine, but sure.

LORELAI

Good, good. So, no worries on the blue sweater front.

RORY

It’s off my radar screen.

LORELAI

Really? So you’re really not going to make the effort?

RORY

I’ll see if I can swing by on Tuesday.

LORELAI

Just send your assistant. You’re getting an assistant, right?

RORY

Oh, I’m sure. I’ll see you Friday night.

LORELAI

Bye, hon.

RORY

Bye.

LUKE

Taylor?

TAYLOR

[OS]

Hello, is someone out there?

LUKE

Where are you, Taylor?

TAYLOR

[OS]

Over here! I can’t move!

LUKE

Oh, I have got to get a camera.

LUKE

How in the hell did you do this?

TAYLOR

I was doing a little light dusting, and was toying with the idea of repositioning the horse’s hindquarters, and the whole thing came tumbling down.

LUKE

You can’t leave anything alone, can you?

TAYLOR

Are you going to help me, or not? I feel like I’ve been lying here for days.

LUKE

You have not been lying here for days. Kirk came into the diner two hours ago.

TAYLOR

You waited two hours to come and get me?

LUKE

I have a business. I can’t come running every time a family of mannequins decides to attack you.

TAYLOR

Ow!

LUKE

Just lie still.

TAYLOR

Oh, this is so humiliating.

LUKE

Taylor, don’t you think it’s time?

TAYLOR

Time for what?

LUKE

You’ve been trapped under the Jebediahs for two hours and no one has come in here.

TAYLOR

What’s your point, Luke?

LUKE

My point is the museum’s a bust.

TAYLOR

Well, I’ll admit. Attendance is low.

LUKE

No one is coming!

TAYLOR

I was reading an article about the power of bus bench ads for getting the word out. Very big in the music industry. Apparently the rapper, Fitty Cent, swears by them.

LUKE

Taylor, come on. Isn’t it time to sell? Let somebody who really wants this place have it!

TAYLOR

I guess it is. I had such dreams.

LUKE

There’ll be other dreams.

TAYLOR

I guess. You can resume your attempts to get me out of here.

LUKE

You’re definitely ready to sell the house?

TAYLOR

Yes.

LUKE

Then let’s get you out of here.

RORY

Tennis lessons? That sounds great, Grandma.

EMILY

I’ve always liked tennis. And I have to say, I’m excited by the prospect of getting some good, healthy exercise.

RICHARD

I’m excited by the prospect of those fetching tennis costumes.

EMILY

Richard, not in front of Rory.

RORY

Oh, I’m fairly worldly now, Grandma.

RICHARD

She was a heck of a tennis player in her day. And very competitive.

EMILY

I wasn’t that competitive.

RICHARD

This woman was kicked off the field hockey team in Smith for elbowing Ceci Everetts in the neck.

EMILY

She got in my way.

RICHARD

And this happened in the parking lot after the game.

EMILY

Now, now. Rory, tell us a little more about this internship. It sounds very exciting.

RORY

Well, all I really know is that I’m going to be shadowing Mitchum Huntzberger, just to sort of learn and observe, plus pitching in here and there.

RICHARD

You are going to learn a hell of a lot.

EMILY

It was very sweet of Logan to arrange this for you.

RORY

Well, actually, Mitchum Huntzberger offered it to me himself.

EMILY

[impressed]

Really?

RICHARD

Now, how about that? He just called you up? Your reputation for excellence preceded you?

RORY

Well, he came by Yale, actually. I had met him when I had dinner at his house, and then –

EMILY

Dinner? What dinner?

RORY

Um, just a dinner that Logan took me to.

RICHARD

At the Huntzbergers’ house?

RORY

Well, yes.

EMILY

When? When?

RORY

About a week ago, I guess.

RICHARD

Good Lord.

EMILY

Richard, it’s already been a week!

RICHARD

We need to invite him right away!

RORY

Who?

EMILY

Logan! The ball’s been dropped!

RICHARD

I’ll put an invite in the mail first thing tomorrow.

EMILY

We really should have had him over first. We probably should call him as well.

RICHARD

We could messenger it in by tonight, it isn’t even eight.

RORY

Well, it’s really nice of you to want to have him over, really, but you don’t need to.

EMILY

Rory, if you could mention it to him yourself, preferably tonight, I’ll get a note over to him tomorrow.

RICHARD

He’ll need a choice of dates.

EMILY

I’ll get my book.

RICHARD

I’ll get mine, too.

EMILY

Rory!

RORY

Mm! Oh, call him now!

RICHARD

Right now, right now, right now.

RORY

Oh, okay!

LOGAN

Hello?

RORY

Listen. You’re going to be getting a note from the Gilmores sometime soon. Maybe in the mail, maybe hand delivered tonight. For all I know, a carrier pigeon is heading for your room as we speak. You might want to open your window.

LOGAN

Why is a carrier pigeon heading here?

RORY

They want to have you over for dinner.

LOGAN

Oh.

RORY

They’re flipping out about it. She’s sending an apology for being so remiss as to wait one whole week since I had dinner at your house to extend an invitation. I mean, they’re losing it. So I’m calling to warn you, and, I want you to know, I didn’t suggest us having dinner with them or encourage it in any way. And I definitely did not refer to you as my b-word in front of them or even imply it in any way. Because, you know, I’m really happy with the way things have been going and I don’t want any pressure put on us, and I’m sorry, and I think I already said that, and that’s it.

LOGAN

What are the odds of getting out of this?

RORY

Pretty much zero.

LOGAN

Then let’s do it.

RORY

Really?

LOGAN

Yeah, it won’t be so bad.

RORY

Well, you are a true gentleman. [She hears a bang from Logan’s end of the phone.] Oh, my God, what was that?

LOGAN

Carrier pigeon. Should have opened the window.

RORY

Not funny.

LOGAN

Kinda funny.

RORY

[smiling]

Bye.

LOGAN

Bye.

LUKE

Burger rare, cheddar cheese, barbecue sauce on the side.

LORELAI

Oh, hey, save Rory some lemon pie.

LUKE

Rory’s coming in tonight?

LORELAI

Yeah, she’s going to see Lane’s band play at Positively Four Street tonight. They have the coveted three in the morning slot.

LUKE

I hear that’s how Zeppelin started.

LORELAI

Yeah, her genius plan is to come home, go to bed early, set the clock for two, get up and go rock.

LUKE

Solid plan.

LORELAI

Yes, except that when the clock goes off at two, she will be dead asleep and won’t hear it. I, however, will. I will then proceed to get up, drag myself downstairs, recreating a classic Zucker Brothers moment and then I’ll shake her awake. She’ll get up, throw on some jeans, a t-shirt, and no make-up and look like a Neutrogena ad, whereas once she leaves, I’ll pass out on the couch, too exhausted to make it all the way upstairs, and in the morning I will have bags under my eyes that should have Tumi stamped on them. I love being a mom. [They see some men carrying a mannequin down the street.] Aw. Are the guys in town unusually lonely these days?

LUKE

No, they’re from the museum. I think they’re getting ready to close it.

LORELAI

Close it? No! Why?

LUKE

Oh, well, you know, no one was going.

LORELAI

I was going.

LUKE

Oh, well, you went once.

LORELAI

No, I was going to go again! Just as soon as the nightmares about the ‘I love Jesus’ mannequin subsided.

LUKE

Well, you saw it once.

LORELAI

[sighs]

I guess.

RORY

Here’s your sweater, and I hope you’re happy, because the saleswoman called me a name. Where’s my pie?

LORELAI

Luke! Pie!

LORELAI

What do we think?

RORY

It’s great.

LORELAI

Huh.

RORY

No.

LORELAI

I thought it was light blue.

RORY

No, it was dark blue.

LORELAI

Oh. Did they have one that was light blue?

RORY

You are officially banned from ever shopping in New Haven again.

LORELAI

Well, thank God I have you to do it for me.

RORY

Hey, Luke. You’re the only one I like around here at the moment.

LUKE

Right back at you.

LORELAI

Okay, so, other than your stylist duties, what else is going on in the life of the young and hopeful?

RORY

I’m considering taking Russian.

LORELAI

Oh, very practical. How’s Logan?

RORY

He’s fine. Grandma and Grandpa invited him to dinner.

LORELAI

You’re kidding.

RORY

It was actually less of an invite and more of a freak-out. They heard about the dinner I went to.

LORELAI

Heard how much?

RORY

The Reader’s Digest version.

LORELAI

Got it.

RORY

Apparently they’ve already exceeded the polite reciprocal invite window, and if he doesn’t come to dinner soon, Grandma has to give back her pearls.

LORELAI

Wow. So, um, when is this dinner happening?

RORY

Three dates were proposed. Logan’s picking one of them.

LORELAI

Huh. So it should be an interesting evening.

RORY

Yep. I’ll take notes and pictures.

LORELAI

Cool, okay. You do that.

LORELAI

I want to go to dinner.

RORY

Where’s the clock?

LORELAI

I mean, you said that I could meet Logan properly, and you know how good I am when there’s food involved!

RORY

Twelve thirty!

LORELAI

I mean, is there a reason I wasn’t invited?

RORY

Ah. Can’t we talk about this tomorrow?

LORELAI

It is tomorrow. I just don’t think it’s right that they get first dibs on him. I mean, I am your mom, and we are very close, in case you haven’t heard, and I should get to know him first!

RORY

Grandma and Grandpa already know him!

LORELAI

Huh! Okay, so they have a head start! Fine. But I bet they won’t know him, know him like I will know him if you let me go to dinner.

RORY

I didn’t think you’d want to come to dinner.

LORELAI

Why not?

RORY

Well, it’s at their house, first of all, and I don’t know how you feel about the Logan situation.

LORELAI

Hey, this guy is in your life and I want to know him. Don’t you want me to know him?

RORY

Of course I want you to know him.

LORELAI

Okay, so –

RORY

I’d love for you to come to dinner.

LORELAI

Great! Good. You call Grandma for me. [She gets up and heads out the door.]

RORY

No way!

LORELAI

[startled, turns around]

Why not?

RORY

You want to come to dinner, you call Grandma!

LORELAI

But I’m not talking to Grandma.

RORY

Well, you’re going to have to talk to her if you come to dinner!

LORELAI

No, I won’t.

RORY

Mom!

LORELAI

No. I am there to talk to Logan. To get to know him. I mean, other than the fact that he’s blond, rich and straight, I’m out.

RORY

You’re not going to come to dinner and ignore Grandma.

LORELAI

I will not be ignoring her. I just don’t think I’ll get to her.

RORY

What?

LORELAI

Well, I’ve heard through the grapevine that Logan is so chatty that once you get him started there’s no shutting him up.

RORY

Mom, forget it. If you want to go, then you are going to have to call Grandma and tell her that you’re going!

LORELAI

But –

RORY

Now, I have to get up in two hours! So, if you don’t mind, beat it!

LORELAI

But –

RORY

Hey! Sleeping!

RORY

Mom!

LORELAI

[flips it back off]

Sorry!

RECEPTIONIST

Can I help you?

RORY

I was just trying to figure out if I’m in the right place.

RECEPTIONIST

Were you hoping to be in some sort of newspaper office?

RORY

Yes, I was. I’m Rory Gilmore, I’m an intern. Mitchum, uh, Mr. Huntzberger, hired me. For nothing, of course, because an intern makes nothing and they’re happy to do it. I’m new.

RECEPTIONIST

Here’s a temporary I.D. Sometime today, stop by and see Al Carson. He’ll take a picture and give you a permanent one.

RORY

I’ve never had a picture I.D. before! I’ll take very good care of it. Is there a fine if you lose it?

RECEPTIONIST

No fine.

RORY

Well, I still won’t lose it. I promise.

RECEPTIONIST

Okay, you need to go see Harry, he deals with interns. [She presses a button on her switchboard.] Good morning, Eagle Gazette. Please hold. [She presses a button again.] Good morning, Eagle Gazette.

RORY

Uh, where do I find Harry?

RECEPTIONIST

[waves her hand toward some cubicles]

I’m sorry, Mr. Wallace won’t be in until this afternoon. Uh-huh.

RORY

Harry? [She waits and then, a little louder] Harry!

HARRY

Who called Harry?

RORY

[waving]

I did! I called Harry! Hi! I’m Rory Gilmore. Um, I’m an intern, I have I.D., and –

HARRY

Okay. This is basically the newsroom. Reporters, support staff over there, the composing room where we do paste-up. It’s called paste-up because it used to be done with –

RORY

Scissors and paste!

HARRY

Right, but now we do it on a Mac. In that cabinet are all our back-issues. ’95 to present are on CD-ROM, earlier on microfiche. If you use the microreader, make sure you turn it off, because the bulb is too hot and melts the stuff.

RORY

[digging in her pockets]

Boy, I sure wish I had a pencil.

HARRY

This is Tom Firth’s desk. He writes Firth Things First on the op-ed. That’s Ed Rose, circulation, advertising. In case of fire, stairs are that way. This is the kitchen. Coffee, stale donuts. If you finish a pot, you make a new one.

MAN

[calls from OS]

Harry!

HARRY

Be right back.

WOMAN

Is he here yet?

MAN

Huntzberger’s here.

HARRY

Huntzberger’s here.

RORY

Where?

HARRY

He’s one of those guys there.

RORY

Yeah, in the middle. Striped tie.

HARRY

You know Huntzberger?

RORY

Yes.

HARRY

Really? What’s he like?

RORY

Um, Episcopalian. Second of four children, oldest boy. And um, hates peas.

MANAGER

This is Stan Mercer, circulation. Les Cavanaugh, city beat. Stephanie Fitz-Simmons, photo editor. And this is Patel [pause] Kandrasaskar. He’s our resident computer whiz.

MITCHUM

Okay. Lot of people, lot of names, and I promise I’ll learn some of them. [The staff laughs politely.] We’ll talk more about this at the general meeting, but I want you people to understand that the Huntzberger Publishing Group isn’t going to change what you do. We’re going to help you do what you do better. All right, I want to get all the department heads gathered in the conference room in ten minutes. Someone make some coffee. Rory?

RORY

Yes sir?

MITCHUM

You ready to shadow me?

RORY

Yes, sir!

MITCHUM

Let’s go.

RORY

Did you see where they went?

EMILY

Hello?

EMILY

Hello? Who are you looking for? Did you dial the wrong number? You know, it’s very rude to dial someone and then just sit there on the phone without so much as a grunt or a moan.

EMILY

I mean, as far as perverted phone calls go, this is a very poor one.

LORELAI

[sighs]

Mom, hello.

EMILY

Lorelai? Is Rory okay?

LORELAI

Yeah, Rory’s fine.

EMILY

Did somebody die? Who died?

LORELAI

Nobody died, Mom. Everyone we know is fine.

EMILY

Then why are you calling?

LORELAI

Well, I was wondering –

EMILY

Yes.

LORELAI

I just wanted to give you a heads up that I was thinking I might come to Friday night dinner. [Pause.] Mom, hello?

EMILY

When?

LORELAI

Um, Friday night?

EMILY

This Friday night?

LORELAI

Yes.

EMILY

The night that Logan Huntzberger is coming to dinner.

LORELAI

I guess. Sure.

EMILY

Well, that’s quite a coincidence, isn’t it? That Logan’s coming to dinner the night that you’re suddenly free.

LORELAI

Well, I guess so.

EMILY

Do you really think that it’s going to work this way?

LORELAI

What way?

EMILY

That you just check the itinerary and pick which Friday night dinners you’ll deign to come to, and which ones you won’t?

LORELAI

I am not picking. It just happened that this Friday I –

EMILY

Did you wait ‘till we have a guest like the Pope for dinner and then say, oh, yes, well, now it’s worth my while to have dinner with my family, I get to meet the Pope.

LORELAI

You’re Protestant, Mom.

EMILY

You do not get to cherry-pick which Friday night dinners you attend. It does not work that way. It’s never worked that way.

LORELAI

I wasn’t cherry-picking.

EMILY

If you come to this dinner, you come to them all. That’s the deal.

LORELAI

Well, I’m really not sure that I’m free every Friday night from now through eternity.

EMILY

If you come to this dinner then you come to them all. That’s the deal.

LORELAI

As I said before, I’m just not sure about my schedule –

EMILY

Well, I’ll tell you what. You go check that schedule of yours. If you show up on Friday night, the night that Logan Huntzberger happens to be here, then I’ll assume that you’ve discovered that your Fridays, at least for the foreseeable future, are free. Good-bye.

MITCHUM

I’m saying it’s these little costs that’s having you drop your hard correspondents. How much are you paying for syndicated features? You run Dear Abby, and Ann Landers, and Ask Vicky. How many different ways do the people in this community need to hear ‘honey, he ain’t going to change, dump his ass.’?

MANAGER

I’d like to get that physical plant tour in before five.

MITCHUM

Well, if we’re in a holding pattern, why don’t you start getting into those circulation issues?

RORY

Wow. The ability to run a four minute mile would come in pretty handy right about now, huh?

MITCHUM

Sorry?

RORY

A four minute mile?

MITCHUM

[looks up, confused]

I don’t follow.

RORY

At Yale. Uh, track and field. You ran a four minute mile.

MITCHUM

Oh. Right.

RORY

That’s fast. Four minute mile, whoosh!

MANAGER

[emerging from the conference room]

Dan’s going to need another ten. Why don’t I take you into Ron Stone’s, we’ll talk some advertising.

MITCHUM

Let’s do it.

HARRY

If you’re looking for Huntzberger, he went in there.

RORY

[sarcastic]

Oh, thanks.

LOGAN

Hello?

RORY

Help, help, help!

LOGAN

What’s the matter, Ace?

RORY

Nothing! I’ve just won the Spaz of the Year award. I believe it’ll be on the front page of the Gazette tomorrow.

LOGAN

Oh, I’m sure it’s not that bad.

RORY

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I don’t know where anybody is. I can’t walk in these shoes. I got a run in my pantyhose. I ran into a file cabinet.

LOGAN

Slow down!

RORY

I didn’t even know if I was supposed to go to lunch when everybody went to lunch, so I just stood in the break room for, like, forty-five minutes! And then I ate an Altoid.

LOGAN

It’s the first day. It’ll get better.

RORY

Your father must think I’m an idiot.

LOGAN

I’m sure he doesn’t.

RORY

I need some help. I need something to say to him other than, ‘yes, the bleeding stopped, thanks’.

LOGAN

Hey, I think that’s pretty good.

RORY

Logan, please. Give me something. Something I can use to connect with him.

LOGAN

I don’t know!

RORY

You do know. This is important to me, Logan. Please?

LOGAN

[sighs]

He likes jazz, but not when it gets too experimental, and he hates when they quote My Favorite Things.

RORY

What?

LOGAN

My Favorite Things, from the Sound of Music.

RORY

[writing on a notepad]

Okay. Good. Go on.

LOGAN

Uh, he lets people go at seven, but he keeps going ‘till eight thirty or nine, and he notices the people who stay. He hates double talk, but he’s really good at it. And, uh, he has high blood pressure so he switches to decaf after four.

RORY

That’s good. That’s almost something.

LOGAN

Don’t worry, Ace, I’m sure you’re doing fine.

RORY

I just don’t want your father to be disappointed in me.

LOGAN

Rory, in order for my dad to be truly disappointed in you, your name would have to be Logan.

RORY

I’m sure that’s not true.

LOGAN

Uh-huh.

RORY

Thanks, Logan.

LOGAN

Go get ‘em, Ace.

LORELAI

Oh my God, this smells good. What is this?

LUKE

It’s nothing. Just some soft-shelled crab amandine on a bed of wild rice.

LORELAI

Okay. There is no sentence in the English language that begins with ‘it’s nothing’ and contains the word amandine. Happy. [Her cell phone rings.] Oh, my God, your girlfriend is so important. [She answers it.] Hello?

RICHARD

Lorelai.

LORELAI

Hey, Dad.

RICHARD

Something very remarkable happened today. I got a call from someone wanting to know if I was Lorelai Gilmore’s father.

LORELAI

Really?

RICHARD

Outside the context of trouble at school, that’s the first time anyone’s ever asked me that.

LORELAI

And why did someone ask you that?

RICHARD

Well, one of our clients is the Durham Group. Do you know them?

LORELAI

They, um, own hotels?

RICHARD

They own boutique inns. The CEO, Mike Armstrong, is good friends with Twee Silverman, who is the publisher of American Travel. It seems there’s quite an article coming out about you and Sookie and your success at the Dragonfly. According to Twee, it’s the cover story of the May issue.

LORELAI

[troubled, to Luke]

The article’s coming out! Uh, Dad, did your guy happen to talk about what’s in the article?

RICHARD

I don’t think he read it. Twee clued him in because she knows he’s always looking for up-and-comers. Apparently, you are an up-and-comer.

LORELAI

[to Luke]

I’m an up-and-comer!

RICHARD

Long story short, Lorelai, Mike Armstrong would like to take a meeting with you.

LORELAI

Why?

RICHARD

Well, he’s in the inn business. I assume he wants to offer you some sort of job.

LORELAI

Dad, I have a job. Apparently you can read all about it in May.

RICHARD

He asked if you traveled much.

LORELAI

He wants to know where I go on vacation?

RICHARD

Well, he was referring to business travel. Perhaps the position involves travel. Do you travel? I wasn’t really sure.

LORELAI

Well, the liquor store is a little further out than I’d like, but –

RICHARD

Lorelai.

LORELAI

Yeah, Dad. I travel. Sometimes.

RICHARD

Well, good! I’ll have my secretary fax the contact information to your home fax tonight and you can call him in the morning.

LORELAI

Dad, I don’t have a home fax.

RICHARD

I don’t see how you can do business on this level and not have a home fax.

LORELAI

Yeah, we’re all confounded by that, yes.

RICHARD

Call my office in the morning. I’m quite proud of you, Lorelai.

LORELAI

Thanks, Dad.

LORELAI

They’re running the article!

LUKE

Good, I’m glad that they’re running the article. I never liked that you pulled it.

LORELAI

Yes, well, if you recall, I pulled it only after I suggested my mother might have been personally responsible for global warming!

LUKE

Are you seriously worried that things might get worse between you and your mother?

LORELAI

Good point.

LUKE

So what’s all this stuff about you traveling?

LORELAI

Oh, some guy my dad knows wants to offer me a job and apparently there’s travel involved.

LUKE

You have a job.

LORELAI

I know, but companies like this would probably want to buy the inn and, I don’t know, keep me on to manage it, or send me out as a consultant.

LUKE

Buy the inn, you just opened the inn!

LORELAI

I know.

LUKE

You don’t want to sell the inn!

LORELAI

I know!

LUKE

I mean, who are these people, coming in from out of the blue with this stuff?

LORELAI

I don’t know. It’s just some guy who called my dad and wants to meet me.

LUKE

Well, this is crazy. You don’t want to meet with this guy.

LORELAI

Luke, I’m not interested, so it doesn’t matter. I have no intention of meeting with this guy. I’m happy with what I’ve got.

LUKE

Good.

LUKE

You know what? You should meet with this guy.

LORELAI

My daughter, my sister, my daughter, my sister, my daughter –

LUKE

I’m serious. Even if you’re not interested, I mean, it’s good people are talking about you and your business. I mean, just take the meeting. It’s – it’s contacts. It’s networking. Right? That’s the right word, networking?

LORELAI

I think.

LUKE

Well, then you should network.

LORELAI

All right. Well, I’ll think about it.

LUKE

Good, good.

LORELAI

[pointing at the food]

Good.

EMILY

Beatrice.

BEATRICE

Yes, ma’am.

EMILY

Do you know what these are?

BEATRICE

Lilies.

EMILY

Fragrant lilies. Would you like to eat dinner with fragrant lilies in the room?

BEATRICE

Yes.

EMILY

Well, then you’re insane! I don’t know how you think my guests are supposed to enjoy their dinner with this floral reek wafting up their noses! Move them to the living room and bring the peonies in here.

BEATRICE

Yes, ma’am. Sorry, ma’am.

RICHARD

Everything looks lovely.

EMILY

Does it?

RICHARD

Yes, and so do you. What’s on the dinner menu tonight?

EMILY

[straightening his bow tie]

Roast beef. Oh, I hope Logan’s not some kind of vegetarian.

RICHARD

Well, his grandfather owned ten thousand head of cattle. I sincerely doubt it. You know, I’ve just been thinking. The Huntzbergers will all be transferring down to Martha’s Vineyard soon.

EMILY

Mid-June, every year. I’m sure Logan’s there for some of that.

RICHARD

They have six acres there. It’s quite a spread.

EMILY

They’ve held their share of functions down there, too. Graduations, parties, weddings.

RICHARD

Maybe it’s time for us, Emily.

EMILY

Time for what?

RICHARD

Time to acquire an acreage. A compound for the extended family.

EMILY

A place on Cape Cod!

RICHARD

Our own Kennebunkport. Get it all ready for the next generation.

EMILY

The Cape’s as good as the Vineyard for a wedding.

RICHARD

Or some would say better.

EMILY

Sandier beaches, too. Children love sandy beaches. Just love running and playing on them.

RICHARD

Oh, damn. I forgot to fill the ice bucket.

EMILY

Go get, it. I’ll get the door.

EMILY

Richard! Picture his blond hair and her blue eyes on a little baby!

RICHARD

Incomparable!

LORELAI

Hi, Mom.

EMILY

Oh. Come in.

LORELAI

Thanks.

EMILY

[walking away, she calls out]

Beatrice, take my daughter’s coat!

LORELAI

[awkwardly]

Thank you.

EMILY

What are you doing here?

LORELAI

I don’t know, I just followed you.

EMILY

Richard, come out here and sit with Lorelai.

RICHARD

[OS]

Coming!

LORELAI

Mom, it’s okay. I can sit by myself.

RICHARD

[enters with the ice bucket]

You need me to sit with Lorelai?

LORELAI

I’m fine. I swear. I have been sitting without any help since I was two and a half.

RICHARD

No, that’s all right. I don’t mind. Come along.

RICHARD

Please, sit. Sit.

LORELAI

There’s a lot of pressure to do it right now.

RICHARD

So, did you ring Mike Armstrong?

LORELAI

I did. We have a meeting set up for tomorrow.

RICHARD

Oh, good. Good, I’m glad. Mike is very big in that business. I think you’ll find him a valuable –

EMILY

[OS]

Richard! I need help in here!

RICHARD

I’m sitting with Lorelai, Emily!

LORELAI

Dad, really. It’s okay. I promise not to stick my finger in any sockets.

RICHARD

Well, all right. [To Emily] Here I come. What sort of help do you need, my dear?

RORY

You know, you’re not obligated to be polite until we’re actually inside my grandparents’ house.

LOGAN

Good. Allow me to use these brief moments of time to make disgusting noises with my armpits.

RORY

Oh, would you? So, this is going to be quick and painless. Believe me, my grandparents like you better than they liked Ronald Reagan.

LOGAN

Wow. High praise.

RORY

What are those?

LOGAN

Hostess gifts. Never a bad idea to bring hostess gifts.

RORY

Well played, Huntzberger!

LOGAN

So what about your mom? She going to be cool?

RORY

Of course she’ll be cool. She’s the essence of cool. Cool’s her street name. She’s got it monogrammed on her towels and everything.

LOGAN

Well, if she’s got it monogrammed on her towels, there’s nothing to worry about.

RORY

What’d you bring, anyway?

LOGAN

Cigars for Richard, chocolates for Emily, and Mrs. Eleanor Shubick’s silver lighter.

RORY

Huh? What’s that for?

EMILY

Rory! Logan, welcome!

RICHARD

Come in, come in!

RORY

Hi, Grandma!

EMILY

Hello! And our guest of honor.

RICHARD

L’invité d’honneur.

LOGAN

How are you, Richard? Emily?

EMILY

Wonderful, now.

RICHARD

Yes, wonderful.

EMILY

Oh, look at you two, you’re just perfect. Aren’t they perfect, Richard?

RICHARD

Perfect.

RORY

We’re not perfect.

EMILY

Nonsense, you’re perfect!

LOGAN

No, she’s right. I’ve got split ends like you wouldn’t believe.

RICHARD

And a sense of humor.

LOGAN

Emily, these are for you. A small token of my gratitude.

EMILY

Vunderschen chocolates, I absolutely adore these!

LOGAN

I picked them up last time I was in Switzerland.

EMILY

Well, aren’t you clever.

LOGAN

And here’s a little something for you, sir.

RICHARD

Oh, Romeo y Julietas. You are a good man, Logan Huntzberger!

EMILY

Come on, let’s all go in the living room, shall we?

EMILY

I just adore this jacket you’re wearing. Isn’t this a fine jacket, Richard?

RICHARD

Oh, I like how the lapels are cut. Aren’t those nice lapels, Rory?

RORY

Uh, sure, Grandpa. His lapels look great.

RICHARD

Most modern tailors cut lapels too low. It’s so sloppy, having one’s lapels hang down around the chest like a basset hound’s ears or something.

EMILY

But those are excellent.

RICHARD

Oh, they really are.

RORY

[notices Lorelai]

Hi, Mom.

LORELAI

Hey, how am I sitting?

RORY

Great. Mom, you remember –

EMILY

Logan, this is Rory’s mother, Lorelai. Lorelai, this is Logan Huntzberger.

LORELAI

Yes, we’ve met, actually. Nice to see you again, Logan.

LOGAN

Nice to see you.

EMILY

Come on, sit, sit, sit. Let’s get drink orders.

RICHARD

Mm.

EMILY

Logan, what will you have?

LOGAN

McKellen neat, if you have it.

EMILY

Oh, I adore a man who drinks his scotch neat.

RICHARD

That is a fine drink indeed.

EMILY

Rory?

RORY

Just club soda.

EMILY

So demure. Isn’t she demure?

LOGAN

The demurest.

RICHARD

One club soda.

EMILY

And your usual, Lorelai? A sidecar?

LORELAI

Sidecar? No.

EMILY

Isn’t that your drink?

LORELAI

No, my drink is a martini. It’s always been a martini.

EMILY

Really?

LORELAI

Yes. Pretty much every one of the other eight thousand times I’ve had a drink here it’s been a martini.

EMILY

I would’ve sworn you were a sidecar girl.

LORELAI

Not even sure what’s in a sidecar, Mom.

EMILY

Well, Richard, apparently Lorelai would like a martini.

RICHARD

Can do.

EMILY

I just can’t get over those lapels.

RORY

Grandma and Grandpa are very taken with Logan’s lapels.

LORELAI

They look fine to me.

EMILY

You’ll have to excuse Lorelai, Logan. It takes a certain eye to be aware of this kind of thing.

RICHARD

One scotch neat, and a club soda.

LOGAN

Thank you.

RORY

Thanks, Grandpa.

RICHARD

And one martini. [He returns to the bar to make it.]

EMILY

That’s with a twist, Lorelai?

LORELAI

Nope. An olive.

EMILY

In a vodka martini?

LORELAI

Not vodka, Mom. Gin. It’s always been gin. Gin martini.

EMILY

Really?

LORELAI

Yes! Always!

EMILY

I don’t remember that at all.

LORELAI

Uh, so. Logan. Where exactly do you live at Yale? Are you in Rory’s building?

LOGAN

No, I’m at Berkeley.

LORELAI

Is that far from Rory?

LOGAN

No, I’d say it’s about ninety Kropogs or so.

RICHARD

Kropogs! Did somebody say Kropogs?

EMILY

[laughing]

Kropogs. Now that is clever.

LORELAI

Uh, fill me in here. What’s a Kropog?

LOGAN

Years ago, someone at Yale started measuring things based on the height of a kid named Kropog.

RICHARD

[sitting down]

I can’t believe that today’s Elis are still using Kropogs. Now that is really something. Maxwell T. Kropog was his name, class of forty-four. Oh, Lorelai, I’m sorry. I forgot your drink. I made it and everything.

LORELAI

Well, you remembered now.

EMILY

No, Richard, stay, I’ll get it.

RICHARD

I’m glad to hear that Kropog is still part of the Yale vernacular. Tradition is so important.

RORY

Why don’t we talk about something other than Yale?

EMILY

Nonsense, there’s nothing better to talk about than Yale. Because Yale men are the greatest. I dated a few Princeton men and a Harvard man back in my day, and they had nothing on Yale men.

RICHARD

They’d better not.

EMILY

[handing Lorelai her drink]

Here you go, Lorelai.

LORELAI

Mom, there’s an onion in here.

EMILY

Is that not what you wanted?

LORELAI

Olive. I said olive.

EMILY

Well, I heard onion.

LORELAI

Well, I said olive.

EMILY

[glances at Logan and gets up]

Let me get you an olive.

EMILY

And the racquets have changed too. Honestly, the people at the club must have thought I was there to play badminton when I showed up with my old wooden thing.

LOGAN

Oh, you have to get a new racquet, Emily. The materials available today make all the difference.

RICHARD

I told her the same thing.

LOGAN

I know this guy, he’s one of the top manufacturers of ceramic racquets. Pete Sampras loves them. I could totally set you up.

EMILY

Did you hear that, Richard? Logan can set me up!

RICHARD

Well, how about that!

BEATRICE

[entering]

Dinner is ready, Mrs. Gilmore.

RICHARD

Well, shall we?

EMILY

I’m just going to pop into the kitchen to check on a thing or two. Richard, will you come carve the roast?

RICHARD

Certainly.

LORELAI

Is there going to be alcohol with dinner, Mom?

EMILY

What?

LORELAI

You know, booze? ‘Cause I haven’t been able to get even a Kropog of gin since that first drink.

RICHARD

A Kropog is a unit of distance, Lorelai. Not volume.

EMILY

And there’ll be wine with the meal. There’s always wine with the meal, Lorelai! Honestly! You’re acting as if you’ve never been here.

LORELAI

Sorry. Just wasn’t sure.

LOGAN

Roast. Sounds good.

RORY

It does.

LORELAI

Yeah. Who doesn’t like a good roast?

RORY

What are you doing?

LOGAN

A little Life and Death Brigade business. Every time we’re in a rich person’s house we take a knick-knack. Then I leave the knick-knack I took from the last rich person’s house. I’ve been doing this up and down the eastern seaboard for years.

RORY

Logan, no.

LOGAN

Trust me. They never notice.

RORY

[smiling]

You’re crazy!

LOGAN

It’s fun to be crazy.

RORY

[referring to the chairs on the side of the table]

Grandma probably wants us here.

EMILY

[entering]

All right, the salads will be out in just a moment. Everybody, sit.

EMILY

Wait a minute.

RICHARD

What’s wrong, Emily?

EMILY

[walking into the living room]

Well, I don’t know. Wait. My antique sewing box! It’s missing!

RICHARD

Well, that can’t be.

EMILY

It is! It’s gone! Was it here during drinks?

RICHARD

Well, I can’t say that I noticed.

EMILY

You, hovering there! What do you know about this?

BEATRICE

Ma’am?

EMILY

My antique sewing box. Did you move it somewhere?

BEATRICE

No.

EMILY

And yet it’s not here. Do you have any explanation as to why it’s not here, Beatrice?

LORELAI

[from the table]

I’m sure it’s just a mix-up, Mom.

EMILY

And – what’s this? What’s this lighter? Richard, is this from the pool house?

RICHARD

Well, I don’t recognize it, but, well, you never know. One of the guys might have left it after a poker game.

EMILY

Well, Beatrice. I don’t know what to say. I almost feel like I should go through the whole house and make sure nothing else has been misplaced.

LORELAI

Mom, I found it.

EMILY

[not hearing her]

However, we have company and I don’t want to be rude.

EMILY

Let’s just leave it for later and then you and I will have a very serious discussion.

LORELAI

Mom, I found it!

EMILY

What?

LORELAI

Yeah, here it is.

EMILY

Really? Where was it?

LORELAI

Behind the centerpiece. I guess the flowers kind of hid it.

EMILY

Behind the centerpiece?

EMILY

What on earth are you smiling about?

BEATRICE

I’m just glad you found it.

EMILY

Would you please go into the kitchen and bring out the salad course? [Beatrice leaves. Emily sits down.] Rory, Logan, I’m so sorry.

RICHARD

Well, never a dull moment, as we say.

EMILY

Ah, here we are. Avocado salad with beet dressing.

RICHARD

Oh, wonderful. I’m starving.

LOGAN

Believe me, Rory’s the real star at the Yale Daily News. People hate her.

EMILY

They hate you?

RORY

I’m not hated. Am I hated?

LOGAN

She’s had more pieces printed above the fold this year than anyone.

RICHARD

Well, you are both enormously talented. Because if you have one tenth of your father’s ability, young man, you are going to go straight to the top.

EMILY

A power couple. That’s what you are.

RICHARD

We were thrilled to hear that Rory is going to be working with your father, Logan.

RORY

I’m not really working with him. Just near him, more like.

LOGAN

She’s knocking them dead over there. Now if I can just get her to relax.

RORY

I relax.

EMILY

Speaking of relaxation, does your family still have their place on Martha’s Vineyard?

LOGAN

I think they bought it from Martha. They’re not giving that up. It’s not going anywhere.

EMILY

It’s lovely in the vineyard. A few years ago, Richard and I attended a wedding there. I thought there could be no more gorgeous a spot for a wedding.

LOGAN

It’s beautiful.

EMILY

But then we went to one on Cape Cod and it was wonderful too. Either place would be good for a wedding, don’t you think?

LOGAN

Sure, I’ve been to weddings at the Cape myself.

EMILY

So you like Cape Cod?

LOGAN

Yes.

EMILY

We like Cape Cod.

RICHARD

[nodding]

Mm.

LOGAN

Great.

EMILY

And I know Rory would like Cape Cod.

RORY

I like what I’ve seen in pictures.

EMILY

You two would look awfully cute in Cape Cod.

LORELAI

Mom, did you get a job at the Cape Cod chamber of commerce?

EMILY

No. [To Logan] There are a lot of kids in your family, aren’t there?

LOGAN

Yeah. The extended family’s been pretty busy procreating lately.

RICHARD

They have, have they?

EMILY

Do you like kids?

LOGAN

Sure.

EMILY

Kids love Cape Cod.

LORELAI

I think internships are a Communist plot.

RICHARD

What?

LORELAI

Forcing someone to work without pay? It’s a little Pinko, isn’t it? I mean, where’s Roy Cohn when you need him?

EMILY

Have you lost your mind?

LORELAI

[shaking her head around]

No, no. It’s still sloshing around up there.

EMILY

Would you like another apple, Rory?

RORY

Oh, no thanks. They were really good, though.

EMILY

How about you, Logan? Apple?

LOGAN

Thank you, but I don’t think I could eat another thing, and unfortunately we should be going. I have an early day tomorrow.

EMILY

Oh, Logan, an early day. I’m so sorry we kept you.

LOGAN

I wish I could stay longer.

EMILY

An early day is an early day. Beatrice, get their coats.

LOGAN

I had a wonderful time. Thank you so much.

RORY

Yes, thank you, Grandma and Grandpa. It was great.

EMILY

Of course. We had a wonderful time too.

RORY

[hugs Lorelai]

Bye, Mom.

LORELAI

Bye, hon. Goodnight, Logan. [They shake hands.]

LOGAN

Nice to see you again.

LORELAI

Nice seeing you again, too. I hope we can all do this –

EMILY

Lorelai, don’t keep them. Logan has an early day tomorrow.

LORELAI

Sorry.

EMILY

[OS]

Now, I’m going to hold you to your promise about that tennis racquet.

LOGAN

[OS]

Oh, absolutely. I’ll call you this week, or maybe I’ll just shoot you an e-mail.

EMILY

[OS]

Shoot me an e-mail. That is so clever.

RICHARD

[OS]

That’s good business sense, too. You have to utilize the latest technology or you’ll fall behind.

EMILY

[OS]

Now, would you look at that! What a cunning little car! I adore sports coupes.

RICHARD

[OS]

Fine parking job, too.

RORY

[OS]

Well, good bye, Grandma and Grandpa.

LOGAN

[OS]

Thanks again.

EMILY

[OS]

Good night, you two. Drive safe!

EMILY

More coffee, Lorelai?

LORELAI

No. Thank you.

EMILY

What?

LORELAI

Um, nothing. Just on those National Geographic shows, people are so sweaty after a mating ritual. But you two are powder dry.

EMILY

What on earth are you talking about?

LORELAI

They’re just kids, and they’re still figuring things out, and they don’t need you two dropping all these heavy-handed hints about weddings and babies and Cape Cod.

EMILY

You should be thrilled by this match, Lorelai.

LORELAI

Well, who says I’m not thrilled?

RICHARD

Well, you’re not acting very thrilled.

LORELAI

I’m annoyed at you. That’s why. Putting all this pressure on them? They are in their early twenties, for God’s sake.

EMILY

You are letting your own personal tastes cloud your judgment of this boy. He is perfect for Rory, and you don’t see it!

LORELAI

This is not about my personal taste!

EMILY

You’re uncomfortable around people like Logan. He’s not your type. That’s well documented.

LORELAI

Oh, that was a nice not-so-subtle dig at Luke.

EMILY

Luke?

RICHARD

Who said anything about Luke?

EMILY

You’re very sensitive tonight.

LORELAI

I’m not sensitive. It’s just you’re busy marrying Rory off into a family that wasn’t even nice to her!

RICHARD

Who wasn’t nice to her?

LORELAI

The Huntzbergers. She went over there for dinner and they treated her like trash.

RICHARD

I highly doubt that.

LORELAI

Well, they did!

RICHARD

If the Huntzbergers were so horrible to Rory, why on earth did Mitchum give her a very valuable internship?

LORELAI

He was buying her off.

RICHARD

So, the internship was like hush money?

LORELAI

Yes!

RICHARD

There’s no money! It’s an unpaid position!

LORELAI

It’s a figure of speech.

RICHARD

Rory got this internship by making a contact. In a way, similar to me setting you up with Mike Armstrong. Is there something wrong with that?

LORELAI

No.

RICHARD

I concur.

LORELAI

There is still something wrong with this internship.

EMILY

My God, you’re paranoid.

LORELAI

I am not paranoid! And Logan did not have an early day!

EMILY

What?

LORELAI

What twenty-two year old has an early day on a Saturday?

EMILY

Why are you so hell-bent on derailing this match?

RICHARD

They’re perfect for each other!

LORELAI

Okay, that word, perfect, he is not. I mean, no one is, okay, but especially him! I mean, at your wedding, I caught him and Rory in the back room [she hesitates] uh, kissing.

LORELAI

[with emphasis]

Kissing.

RICHARD

You have something against kissing?

EMILY

I never thought of you as a prude.

RICHARD

Paranoid, not a prude.

LORELAI

He stole your sewing box.

EMILY

The sewing box is sitting on the table in the living room, Lorelai.

LORELAI

No, no. He’s just a –

RICHARD

Are we done here?

LORELAI

No!

RICHARD

Good. I have a call to make. You might want that cup of coffee. Clear your head a bit before you drive home. [He leaves the table.]

EMILY

Or maybe you’ve just had one too many sidecars. [She leaves.]

MANAGER

So it’s not necessarily a diminishment of personnel.

MITCHUM

No, that’s the advantage of using crewed reporting through the whole syndicate. By sharing the resources, you’re going to have more options. With more options, you’re going to be less reliant on the wire services. People will only read so many flatly written wire stories before they catch on and start reading something else, or worse, turn on the T.V.

RORY

[holds out a cup]

Coffee?

MITCHUM

[glances at his watch]

Uh –

RORY

It’s decaf.

MITCHUM

Oh. Well, thank you. [He takes a sip.] It’s good. All right, let’s take a look at that editorial budget.

MITCHUM

[OS]

What are you waiting for, Gilmore, an engraved invitation?

SOOKIE

Good!

LORELAI

Very good!

SOOKIE

I’d say it’s a nine.

LORELAI

Nine plus.

SOOKIE

What would make it a ten?

LORELAI

Another half a point.

SOOKIE

[giggles]

Lemon juice and a handful of parsley.

LORELAI

Yes. A tart fresh taste.

SOOKIE

[calls into the kitchen]

Manny, try a little lemon juice and parsley!

MANNY

Okay!

LORELAI

How long are you going to have him working here?

SOOKIE

Well, with that fancy pants article coming out about us, I want to make sure that the food stays top-notch.

LORELAI

You know, Mike Armstrong called again.

SOOKIE

Really? That’s the second time since the meeting, isn’t it?

LORELAI

Yeah. He’s, like, open to any option. Buying the inn, or just investing in the inn –

SOOKIE

We’d have money again. Remember what it was like to have money?

LORELAI

He’d be keeping us on to run it. We could consult. We could travelaround the world telling other people how to run their inns –

SOOKIE

We could be bossy. Oh, we could travel and be bossy!

LORELAI

He mentioned the south of France. Apparently they’re making a huge investment there and they have a need for people like us.

SOOKIE

I can picture us in the south of France, oh, topless!

LORELAI

At work?

SOOKIE

No. We’re on the beach.

LORELAI

Much more appropriate.

SOOKIE

And the casinos, oh, and the cheese!

LORELAI

You know, my dad traveled all over the world for work, which drove my mom crazy, which was a little perk. But he would always say things like ‘I’ll be back from Düsseldorf on Friday’. And when I was a kid, I always wanted to say ‘I’ll be back from Düsseldorf on Friday’!

SOOKIE

Oh, that would be great. To get into all those famous kitchens I’ve always read about.

LORELAI

We’d have expense accounts and travel luggage. It’d be exciting, huh?

SOOKIE

Yeah, it would!

SOOKIE

But, I can’t do that. I have Davey and little No-name here, and Jackson. Jackson wouldn’t want to go topless in France.

LORELAI

Yeah.

SOOKIE

My life is here.

LORELAI

Yeah, sure.

SOOKIE

But you could go.

LORELAI

What?

SOOKIE

Your kid’s in college. You’re young. You love to travel. You look amazing topless. [She giggles.] You could go. I mean, what’s stopping you?

LORELAI

Well –

SOOKIE

Oh! Snap peas! Snap peas would be good in this! [She squeals.] Manny, snap peas!

MANNY

[OS]

Snap peas.

SOOKIE

Snap peas. Yeah.