T6E5: “We’ve Got Magic to Do”

LORELAI

Oh! Winded! Too many steps.

LUKE

I said I'd carry them.

LORELAI

Need water. Gunga din!

LUKE

They're not that heavy.

LORELAI

Yeah! You should take those steps out. They get in the way.

LUKE

First thing tomorrow. Man, you bought a lot of stuff. (they set the bags on the counter, Luke goes behind it and Lorelai starts looking though them)

LORELAI

All stuff I need or want, or think I might someday need or want. (excited) OK now let's find your new wallet!

LUKE

We can get it later.

LORELAI

(looking through some bags) No, it's buried in here somewhere. Have I looked in this bag already?

LUKE

You didn't have to buy me a new wallet. My old wallet was fine.

LORELAI

Your old wallet has Velcro.

LUKE

It works.

LORELAI

It's disgusting. Now come on, let's find it. (notices something in one of the bags) Wait a second. What is this?

LUKE

(approaching Lorelai) Your underwear. (Lorelai picks out of the bag a huge pink satin pair of panties)

LORELAI

(stunned) Uh! Thanks a lot!

LUKE

(suppressing a laugh) I didn't see how big they were. What are they doing in there?

LORELAI

Well, I'm guessing probably hiding from their real owners, 'cause I would hate to be wrapped around the woman who fit those.

LUKE

Maybe you just grabbed the wrong bag.

LORELAI

(takes out a huge pair of bunny slippers and sets them on the counter) Oh, poor thing, she's single. (her cell phone rings and she reaches for it. Luke clears his throat and points at the "No Cell Phones" sign)

LUKE

It still applies. (Lorelai answers the phone anyway)

LORELAI

Hello? Sookie? Sookie, slow down, I can't understand a word you're saying.

LUKE

(amused looking at the slippers) She's got huge feet.

LORELAI

The Inn's on fire?!

LUKE

(concerned) What?

LORELAI

The stove is on fire? Well, put it out. It's out? So you're saying, there was a fire, but now it's out. Good, what's the damage?

LUKE

You had a fire?

LORELAI

Okay, okay, good. I'll be right there. (hangs up. To Luke) The wall behind the stove caught fire. There's damage, but nothing major. Thank God.

LUKE

(quickly walks over to Lorelai) Come on. I'll take you.

LORELAI

Oh, my God! Another fire at the Inn, like the Independence Inn. Oh, no! Am I a fire starter? I'm a fire starter, aren't I?

LUKE

You are not a fire starter. (calls to the kitchen) Caesar, we'll be right back.

LORELAI

What about the bags?

LUKE

Caesar will put the bags away. Let's go.

LORELAI

Go first, in case things burst into flames behind me as I walk.

LUKE

Will do. (the start to exit the diner)

SOOKIE

I saw my whole life pass before my eyes. That's how traumatic it was!

MICHEL

She's been Scarlett O'Hara for two hours. It's sickening.

SOOKIE

My whole life. Flash! I mean, that's upsetting! You know, not that it's been a bad life, although I could have skipped seeing "Mummenschanz."

LUKE

Do you want to hand me the screwdriver?

JACKSON

I would kind of need a third hand to do that.

LORELAI

Why are the boys bickering?

SOOKIE

There's something in the air today.

JACKSON

(Luke holds up a flashlight in Jackson's direction) Could you not shine that in my face?

LUKE

Just move your face.

JACKSON

You mean off of my head?

LORELAI

So, Mutt and Jeff, what's the prognosis there?

LUKE

When's the last time you checked your ductwork?

SOOKIE

Never. Oh, boy, I shouldn't be allowed in a kitchen!

LUKE

(walking away from the stove) My guess is that the grease built up in the back, and the ventilation's not great, and the wall heated up, and it burned.

LORELAI

So what do we do?

SOOKIE

Don't tell me we're shut down!

LUKE

You'll have to repair the wall before you put the stove back, and you're gonna have to clean your ductwork.

JACKSON

(walks away from the stove) Which means closing the kitchen till you do.

SOOKIE

Well, then, fix it now.

JACKSON

You need a pro to do this.

LUKE

And if an insurance guy doesn't see it before you fix it, he won't pay.

MICHEL

Well, I've already talked to the insurance company. They've never heard of us.

LORELAI

That's impossible. We're customers. We send them a check every month.

MICHEL

The people I talked to, all very rude, by the way, said they don't even cover businesses such as ours.

LORELAI

Again, a mistake. I'll get the policy out. I'll call them myself. (to Luke and Jackson) Thank you.

LUKE

You really should get a second screwdriver.

JACKSON

Nag, nag, nag. (Luke and Jackson exit the Inn kitchen)

NORA

We should be flayed.

NANCY

Don't overreact, Nora.

NORA

We should never have let it get to this point. We're all at fault here.

VIVIAN

It's a humiliation.

EMILY

Ladies, we know this. No one is more embarrassed than myself, but what are we going to do?

NANCY

How many tables are still unsold?

EMILY

Over half.

DAR LADIES

(upset) Oh! Unbelievable!

VIVIAN

This is a function for our troops.

NORA

We'll be the laughingstock of the DAR. We'll lose our national accreditation, and this is a very weak drink.

EMILY

It's just punch, Nora.

NORA

My point, dear.

EMILY

I simply don't understand people.

DAR LADY2

This money was designated for additional armor for the boys at Fort Drum.

VIVIAN

We've insulted the organization, insulted our troops...

NORA

We might as well all march to Mount Vernon, drop our drawers, and do something foul on George Washington's grave.

EMILY

(disapprovingly) Nora!

NORA

I'm sorry, but I'm really upset about this, and I'm far too sober to put it in any sort of perspective.

RORY

But the function is still a week away. There's time to fix this. (the ladies make cutesy "Oh" sounds)

VIVIAN

Rory, you're darling.

EMILY

She's new, ladies.

VIVIAN

A week is nothing.

EMILY

Again, what do we do?

NANCY

We should cancel the event.

EMILY

This is a nightmare.

VIVIAN

Is Constance not showing her face on purpose?

EMILY

Would you?

RORY

Why would Constance...?

EMILY

She's running the event... into the ground. I blame myself. I let her talk me into it.

NANCY

She's never slipped up like this before.

RORY

Is it definitely too late to do something?

EMILY

To do what?

RORY

I don't know. To publicize the event more, get those tables sold?

EMILY

We spent our budget for publicity. We're wiped out.

RORY

But a budget is just an estimation. It's guesswork, fake numbers. In any business endeavour, sometimes it makes sense to run a deficit in order to achieve a bigger payoff later.

NORA

We're lunching with Grover Norquist.

RORY

Well, have we tried getting the word out online? A lot can be done that way. (the ladies listen carefully and seem impressed and interested) And maybe we can add some entertainment or a theme. Send out some e-mails. E-mailing doesn't cost a thing.

EMILY

We hadn't thought about e-mail.

RORY

I think there's a way to correct this. A week is plenty of time.

NORA

Well, well, well, we have a star amongst us.

RORY

(chuckles) Who?

NORA

You!

RORY

(taken aback) Me?

NORA

(defiant) Take it over.

RORY

What?

VIVIAN

I think that's a wonderful idea!

EMILY

I don't know. We have a mountain here, ladies.

NORA

We're screwing the pooch, Emily, and we've got to go balls out. I, for one, will not have those priggish twigs from the New York chapters lording this over us. We need to take a swing here, and Babe Ruth sits before us.

EMILY

(to Rory) You shouldn't feel pressured.

RORY

I know.

NORA

My essence is, that if Rory doesn't think she can do it, she'll turn us down.

EMILY

I suppose that's true.

NORA

What do you say, you slugger?

RORY

I'll do it. (the ladies make triumphant noises and gestures)

NORA

Yes! Let's ring Constance.

NANCY

We'll put you in touch with the people at the venue immediately.

NORA

And you'll have an assistant. Lacey. You'll love her.

DAR LADY2

I'd look at the menu.

NORA

And we'll set up a discretionary fund. This publicity idea you were thinking of may be the key. (the ladies and Rory start talking about planning the function while Emily looks concerned)

SOOKIE

Dig in, everybody.

LORELAI

I'm past digging, I'm burrowing. This is delicious.

SOOKIE

Tri-tip on the barbecue, you can't beat it. Oh! (to Jackson) Hey, you turn the barbecue off?

JACKSON

The barbecue is off.

LORELAI

Good stuff, huh?

LUKE

Really good.

JACKSON

Thanks. Excuse me. (yelling) Davey, turn the volume down!

LUKE

The vegetables are good, Sookie.

SOOKIE

Thanks, Luke. (yelling) Davey, you heard your father. Turn it down!

LORELAI

Oh, I'll turn it down.

SOOKIE

No, we want Davey to do it.

JACKSON

That's how he learns. (to Davey) You heard me, son. Turn it down.

SOOKIE

(screeching) Turn it down!

JACKSON

Right now.

SOOKIE

Ooh, I need a lemon slice. (picks up her glass and gets up and walks to the kitchen)

JACKSON

So did anybody see that new show on TV last night?

LORELAI

The one where they were solving crimes by cutting bodies open and poking their organs?

JACKSON

No.

SOOKIE

The one where they're solving crimes from 30 years ago by going to graveyards and cutting open bodies and poking their organs?

JACKSON

No.

LORELAI

OH! The one where people are missing, and they find their bodies, and cut them open, and poke their organs, and that's how they solve crimes?

JACKSON

No.

LORELAI

What else is on?

JACKSON

(shouting) You gotta turn the TV down, son!

LORELAI

Are you sure you don't want me to...

JACKSON

He's got to learn. (shouting) You heard me, son! Volume down!

SOOKIE

(from kitchen screeching) Volume down!

JACKSON

Listen to your mother! (voice back to normal volume) What's that show I'm thinking of?

SOOKIE

(walking back toward the table) I'm back. (sits down) You like the squash, Luke?

JACKSON

Oh, this is gonna bug me.

LUKE

I'm not a big fan of the squash.

SOOKIE

OH! I forgot the pepper flakes. (gets up again)

LORELAI

Sookie, your food's getting cold.

JACKSON

(to Luke) I thought you liked squash.

LUKE

Nope.

JACKSON

What's that vegetable I thought you liked? (Luke looks at him unfazed)

LORELAI

Hey Sookie, do you have a fork for Paul Anka? He likes his own fork. Uh, plastic preferred.

SOOKIE

Got one here.

JACKSON

Oh, now this is gonna bug me! What is that vegetable?

SOOKIE

The plastic's too high for me to reach. It's up there.

LORELAI

Oh, I'll get it. You have to eat. (gets up and takes Sookie's plate with her to the kitchen)

SOOKIE

Jackson, what's that smell?

JACKSON

Oh, man, I left the barbecue on.

SOOKIE

We cannot set this place on fire, too. I have had enough fires this week.

JACKSON

I'll get it. (get up from the table and as he walks past the TV) Turn the volume down, Davey. I'm not gonna tell you twice.

LORELAI

Here you go. It's nice and lean, the way you like it. (gives PA a treat)

SOOKIE

Dog who doesn't like fat. That's just weird.

LORELAI

He's not weird. He's trying to maintain his bathing-suit figure.

SOOKIE

So, speaking of my least favourite word in the world, fire. Where are we with the insurance company?

LORELAI

Uh, nowhere. I got the same run-around they gave Michel.

SOOKIE

Then let's just do the work. Forget the insurance. Give me back my kitchen.

LORELAI

Tom's all ready to jump in, but we can't afford to do it without the insurance money. That's why we have insurance.

SOOKIE

We have stupid insurance. I mean, this policy, wasn't it set up by your...

LORELAI

Yes.

SOOKIE

So if we're getting the run-around does it mean that you have to...?

LORELAI

Yes.

SOOKIE

Sorry.

LORELAI

I know. It seemed like a good idea at the time. I'll call him tomorrow.

JACKSON

(as he walk back in a baby starts crying) Barbecue's off.

SOOKIE

Martha's up.

JACKSON

(walks out of the room again) I'm on it. Turn the TV down, Davey.

SOOKIE

Turn it down. You heard us. Turn it down. I'm gonna count to 10, Davey. Then the TV is going off for the rest of the week. 10... 9... 8... 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... (as Sookie is counting down Lorelai notices Luke sitting alone at the table eating his food)

EMILY

She threw out the menu.

RICHARD

(distracted) Hmm?

EMILY

Rory. She's changed the entire menu.

RICHARD

What menu?

EMILY

Richard, listen when I talk to you.

RICHARD

I'm sorry, Emily. It takes a second to emerge from Samuel Beckett. He's a strange man. (takes off his glasses and closes his book) Go on.

EMILY

Rory threw out the entire menu for the Fort Drum event. I mean, granted, Constance was going with Cornish game hen, been there, done that. And her fetish for Brussels sprouts is upsetting. But to throw out the entire menu? So close to the event?

RICHARD

I can't say that I'm a big fan of DAR cuisine. So I may not be of much help.

EMILY

I'm trying not to butt in, but how can I not worry?

RICHARD

(puts on his glasses and re-opens his book) By not thinking about it.

EMILY

Is there still a USO?

RICHARD

I think so. Why?

EMILY

That's the theme, the USO. Or that's where it's being held. Oh, my god, she didn't change the menu and the location? Is that possible?

RICHARD

You should ask her.

EMILY

I'm trying to keep out of it.

RICHARD

You're doing a terrific job.

EMILY

She's not serving salmon puffs.

RICHARD

(shuts his book a bit irritated) Good night, Mr.Beckett. (turns his attention to Emily)

EMILY

We've never not served salmon puffs. Not in 25 years have we staged an event without salmon puffs.

RICHARD

Emily, please. It's Rory. What she tackles, she conquers. This girl could name the state capitals at three. Recite the periodic table at four. Discuss Schopenhauer's influence on Nietzsche when she was ten. She's read every book by every author with a Russian surname and had a 4.2 grade-point average at one of the toughest schools on the east coast. If she's excluding salmon puffs, she has a good reason to exclude salmon puffs. And I, for one, have complete confidence in her ability to tackle this job, and so should you.

EMILY

Fine, go back to your Beckett.

RICHARD

(goes back to reading his book) Thank you.

EMILY

(wistful) Salmon puffs.

SOOKIE

We'll show 'em. Huh, guys!? (pats one of the assistant chefs on the chest) We'll show 'em, you don't need fancy stuff like stoves in order to make a delicious meal. We've got salads. Lots and lots of salads, caprese and endive and arugula and... Ooh! Cold sandwiches. And beef carpaccio and tuna carpaccio and vegetable carpaccio and... (to Lorelai) Oh, my God. I need my frigging stove back. I'm dying here!

LORELAI

Okay, hang in there, hon. (to kitchen crew) Thanks. (as the crew starts to exit Richard walks in the kitchen with another man)

RICHARD

Lorelai, I hope it's all right walking in like this. I knew where the kitchen was, so I just figured I'd come back. Sookie.

SOOKIE

You're our knight in shining armor, Mr.Gilmore.

RICHARD

(indicating the man he brought along) This is Harris. He'll do the inspection, get the lay of the land. Shouldn't take long. (to Harris) Go ahead and start. (Harris walks over to the stove. To Lorelai and Sookie) I should apologize for the red tape and the delay. As a rule, we don't take on small accounts like this, except under extraordinary circumstances. Until the news reached my desk, no one was sure of what to do.

LORELAI

Uh huh.

RICHARD

I can write you a check today. I figured that would please you.

LORELAI

Terrific.

SOOKIE

I'm going to go call Tom and see if he can race right over here and start the work. (to Richard) Bless you, sir. You're my golden god. (Sookie leaves. Lorelai and Richard seem uncomfortable as Harris goes on with the inspection)

LORELAI

So, um, how's your big plan working out?

RICHARD

Excuse me?

LORELAI

Oh, your big plan for Rory. How's that going, Dad?

RICHARD

Let me know if you need anything, Harris.

LORELAI

Is she back at Yale?

RICHARD

Lorelai...

LORELAI

oh, I take it she's not.

RICHARD

No, she's not.

LORELAI

Huh. But it's in the works?

RICHARD

We'll be here ten minutes.

LORELAI

No, wait! Let me guess. You're gonna trick her into going back, right? Like you'll drive up and drop her off at Yale, then you'll drive away really quickly before she catches on. Is that one of the plans?

RICHARD

(staring to get mad) Is there anything I can do to expedite this, Harris?

LORELAI

You see that family of Logan's recently. The... Hamburgers?

RICHARD

Huntzbergers.

LORELAI

Right, right. How are the old Huntzbergers? They behaving any better than that night they humiliated your granddaughter?

RICHARD

They did not humiliate her.

LORELAI

Rory said they did.

RICHARD

I know the Huntzbergers. They're fine people. What happened that night was a misunderstanding, because they have nothing against Rory.

LORELAI

No?

RICHARD

Why would they?

LORELAI

Ask them!

RICHARD

It's not true!

LORELAI

Well, then that granddaughter of yours, what a liar.

RICHARD

Harris, take a couple of pictures and we'll go. (to Lorelai) We just need the quote from your contractor in writing. Send all his bills directly to me.

LORELAI

Will do.

RICHARD

Goodbye. (he exits. Harris takes one last picture and follows him)

LORELAI

(to the, now, empty kitchen) It's been lovely.

RORY

What about silverware?

GLENDA

I can get you 1940s, the real thing. It's plates though. Plates are a toughie.

LACEY

Plates break.

GLENDA

I can get you a couple of dozen, hand-painted, not 100.

RORY

So, what's our best bet? An off-white, new, but made to look vintage?

LANCE

Off-white would be super.

RORY

They should be heavy, right? Solid?

GLENDA

Oh, my servers are gonna love that.

RORY

Then not too heavy. Lacey, get me samples of all this?

LACEY

Will do.

RORY

Now, there must be a colour photo of the Hollywood Canteen. I mean, we've checked the Internet. The library?

LACEY

The Getty in California has one in their collection, but they're very flaky on the phone.

RORY

Ugh, California.

LANCE

I'm so over the west coast.

RORY

A bunch of granola heads. (a cell phone rings. Lacey answers)

LACEY

Rory Gilmore's phone... Who's calling?... One moment, please. (to Rory) It's Logan Huntzberger.

RORY

I'll take that. (takes the phone from Lacey) Hello?

LOGAN

(he's at Yale. The scene switches between Rory at the pool house and Logan at school) Oh, my God. Who was that?

RORY

My assistant. I forwarded my phone to hers.

LOGAN

You have an assistant?

RORY

Just for this DAR thing. I get a million calls.

LOGAN

well I consider myself lucky to be patched through.

RORY

You have priority clearance.

LOGAN

So, good news. I got the PA system you wanted at the price you wanted.

RORY

Really? Oh, cool. Lacey, PA system: Done.

LACEY

Excellent.

RORY

(to Logan on phone) That's great.

LOGAN

This guy's done the sound at every party I've ever thrown. He's the best in the business.

RORY

(there is a knock at the door. It's Paris) And, oh, goody. Paris is here. And she looks upset.

LOGAN

That and a bulldozer would knock me over.

PARIS

Excuse me? The door is locked.

LACEY

(to Rory) Do you know her?

RORY

Let her in, then hide. (to Logan on phone) I'll call you later.

LOGAN

Bye. (hangs up)

PARIS

(as Lacey opens the door for her, in mock Lacey voice) "Do you know her?". (back to normal voice) I'm only her best friend. Who the hell are you?

RORY

Paris, come here. Calm down. (Paris walks over to her) What's wrong?

PARIS

I'm broke.

RORY

Broke? How?

PARIS

My parents flipped the bird at the IRS one too many times. They've frozen everything. All I've got is my trust fund, which doesn't kick in till I'm twenty-five. Unless you can whip out a magic wand and age me four years, I'm a goner.

RORY

Just, sit down. Calm down. (lead her to the couch where they sit)

PARIS

My ATM refused me. I thought it was just that particular one. So I went to another, and it refused me, too. So I went to the bank and used a few choice expletives, and a bunch of guys in suits started closing in on me. So I started pacing and yelling, "Attica! Attica!", and then the manager hit a little red button under his desk, so I ran out of there and came right over here. I'm a pauper. I'll be playing a hurdy gurdy on street corners and selling pencils out of a tin cup.

RORY

Slow down.

PARIS

Yale's paid for, through the end of the year, thank God. But... what'll I do about everything else I need? What'll I do?

RORY

You'll just have to do what everyone else who needs money has to do.

PARIS

What's that?

RORY

What people do.

PARIS

What am I, a mind reader?

RORY

Get a job.

PARIS

A job? I've never had a job. I don't know the first thing about having a job. All I've got on my resume is academic achievements, which will mean doodly-squat when I'm in line with 11,000 people vying for an opening in the garden department at Wal-Mart.

RORY

Paris, wait. As you said, Yale's paid for. That's the bright side. From now on, you'll just have to keep your expenses low. And I could get you some work. Right away. How would that be?

PARIS

Really?

RORY

Yes. I know you'll be a hard worker. That's a given.

PARIS

I definitely would be. And, you know I speak Chinese and Farsi, if that'll help.

RORY

Well, I need servers for the food. You could do that, right?

PARIS

I think so.

RORY

See? You're on the road to recovery.

PARIS

Oh, thanks. (they get up and Paris approaches Glenda, Lacey and the guy) And I'll work my butt off, too, Glenda. Oh, and I know a smattering of ancient Aramaic, if that helps.

GLENDA

It could.

LANCE

If Christ shows up.

PARIS

And who are you?

RORY

Go home, Paris. You've had a rough day.

PARIS

I guess.

RORY

I'll call you with the details.

PARIS

Thanks. (walks over to Rory and whispers) Hey, uh, can you spot me a 20...

RORY

Sure.

PARIS

(whispering) ... 5, 25?

RORY

(grabs some cash and gives it to Paris) Um, here you go.

PARIS

Thanks. (she leaves)

RORY

(approaching the three assistants) I owe you more than you currently realize. Okay, where were we?

LORELAI

Mmm.

LUKE

Pasta's almost done, sauce is close, too.

LORELAI

Luke, you could have just used the store-bought sauce I have. (starts to lay the table)

LUKE

Ugh, that stuff is junk.

LORELAI

(insulted) It's delicious Italian sauce.

LUKE

OK, first off, it's not. Second, all you had was four already-opened jars, two of which I couldn't get the lids off of.

LORELAI

Somebody needs some gym time,

LUKE

And one of them had a layer of white fuzz on it.

LORELAI

That was a little gross.

LUKE

And the last one, green fuzz.

LORELAI

Also gross.

LUKE

I make better, just like mama taught me.

LORELAI

I know you do. How's Paul Anka's dinner coming?

LUKE

His hamburger's close, too.

LORELAI

You're not overcooking it, (Luke walks over to the fridge) 'cause, you know, he likes it rare plus, you know, not too rare, but not medium rare.

LUKE

(picks up a flier from the fridge) I'm cooking it to his exacting specifications. (read the flier) Miss Patty's having a recital?

LORELAI

Oh, yeah. It's her big annual show. All her kids in all her classes get to perform. It's be there or be square. Best show in town.

LUKE

It's a Thursday, right? That's a good night. I can have Caesar close for me.

LORELAI

Why?

LUKE

So I can go with you.

LORELAI

Oh, no. Luke, you're not going to this recital.

LUKE

Why not?

LORELAI

Because it's a night of kids dancing, singing, twirling batons. You'll hate it.

LUKE

No, I won't.

LORELAI

Yes, you will.

LUKE

Not my first choice in entertainment, but I'll go.

LORELAI

Luke, no. You have been sacrificing too much of yourself these past few months. You go with me to my movies, you tag along when I go shopping. And that dinner at Sookie and Jackson's... how you kept from killing us all, I'll never know.

LUKE

I haven't been complaining about any of this.

LORELAI

I know, and that has filled me with no end of guilt. You've been a saint, but you've got to do your Luke stuff, too. When was the last time you went camping or fishing?

LUKE

You don't like camping or fishing.

LORELAI

That shouldn't stop you from camping or fishing.

LUKE

I'd go if I felt like it.

LORELAI

Well, then go Thursday while I'm at the recital. I'll go with Sookie. It'll be fun with her.

LUKE

You sure?

LORELAI

Yeah! Go. You haven't been camping in forever. Be Grizzly Adams.

LUKE

Okay, sure, I'll go camping.

LORELAI

(approaches Luke at the stove) Good. (notices something in a pan, PA's dinner) Oh, it's officially...

LUKE

Oh, medium rare, not rare plus. I'll get him another. (Luke takes the hamburger out of the pan and prepares another)

RICHARD

Well, I don't know why I bother. The great books take practically a lifetime to read as it is. But if you heed the word of Mortimer Adler, one needs to read a classic three times to fully comprehend its meaning.

RORY

(distracted) Yeah.

RICHARD

I wonder if Mortimer ever read "Euclid's geometry" three times. That's a fun read. Have you read "Euclid's geometry"?

RORY

(not any less distracted) Me? No.

RICHARD

It doesn't get any drier. What have you been reading lately? I keep forgetting to ask. (makes a gesture to answer but instead starts texting someone with her cell phone)

EMILY

Rory?

RORY

Sorry, guys. The event's right around the corner, and I just keep thinking of things I have to do. I'm just texting Lacey.

EMILY

So how's that going?

RORY

Good, really good.

EMILY

Good. Did Lacey mention the partitions?

RORY

(still texting) Partitions?

EMILY

At Wafford Hall. It's so big, and these partitions can cut the room wherever you like so it won't look so empty. They're not very decorative, but they work.

RORY

Hold on just a second. (end texting and puts the phone down) Partitions?

EMILY

For the room.

RORY

But we won't have any room. We're sold out.

EMILY

Sold out? That's not possible.

RORY

Oh, it's a fact. The theme got people's attention. Plus, the online campaign went like gangbusters. We're having to turn people away. That's what I was texting Lacey about. I'm trying to squeeze in a few more, but we're fighting the fire department over it.

EMILY

(disbelieving and impressed) You're turning people away?

RORY

But still encouraging them to give a sizable donation to our boys.

RICHARD

Brilliant.

EMILY

(brightly) Sold out!

RICHARD

(to Rory) I knew you could do it!

EMILY

Good job!

RORY

Thank you.

EMILY

Continue texting.

RORY

Oh, thank you. (picks up her phone again as Richard and Emily continue eating)

RORY

Oh, when the band gets here, grab Gerry and get them to do a sound check. Make sure they're happy with the sound. Not just cheery, because... (turns around and sees nobody there) Lacey? Where's my Lacey?

LACEY

(runs towards Rory) Here.

RORY

Come on, honey, keep up.

LACEY

I spotted the security guard, so I filled him in.

RORY

Excellent. Cross that off the list. Servers are here?

LACEY

Got them all waiting in the back.

RORY

Excellent! (as they start walking to the kitchen Rory addresses two guys putting up a poster) Wow! Treat her gently there, boys. Betty's life was tough enough.

RORY

Hey, Paris.

PARIS

Rory, I clocked in.

RORY

Cool!

PARIS

They gave me this card, and it had my name on it. And I shoved it in the clock thing, and it made the punchy sound, and I'm officially on the job.

RORY

Great!

PARIS

And I'm prepared too. I was a little nervous last night about making small talk with co-workers. So I went to the video store and rented "Working Girl" and the first season of "Just Shoot Me". Got a couple of Wendie Malick bon mots that have already come in handy.

RORY

Very good. Welcome.

PARIS

Thanks, boss.

RORY

I'm gonna welcome the whole group here.

PARIS

No problem. (Rory walks past Paris and addresses the rest of the crowd. Paris stands behind Rory)

RORY

Hello. You must be my servers. I'm Rory Gilmore. I'm running this little shindig. How are all of you today?

SERVERS

Good. Great.

RORY

You all come highly recommended by Glenda, our catering manager, so I know you're all top notch...

PARIS

(cuts Rory off and walks up front) Yeah, super. Looks like a good group. Good group.

RORY

(whispering to Paris) Um, you know, you should probably be standing over with the others.

PARIS

Oh, right. I'm one of them. Got it. Sorry. (walks over to the rest of the group)

RORY

(to the whole group) So it's going to be hard work tonight. We have 100 people dining with us. But I want you to have fun, too. We have your outfits on a rack over here. Your name should be on them. It's a good cause, so let's get changed and go do. (walks away)

PARIS

(to one of the other servers) So, working hard or hardly working? (the girl giggles) Oh, my, oh, my. I love it! (the whole group approaches the rack to get their outfits)

SOOKIE

(as she takes a program) Hey, thanks.

LORELAI

(as she takes a program) Thank you.

SOOKIE

So where's Luke tonight?

LORELAI

As we speak, he's off communing with nature.

SOOKIE

Oh, good for him. (they sit)

LORELAI

Yeah.

SOOKIE

(reading from the program) Ooh, the ballerinas are doing "Swan Lake". That always makes me cry.

LORELAI

(opens the program) Oh, Patty's packed it all in. Baton twirling, a modelling exhibition. She's added a couple new features, too.

SOOKIE

Yeah, what's krumping?

LORELAI

Um, like hip-hop dance, I think, more herky-jerky.

SOOKIE

And what is pubic speaking?

LORELAI

I'm hoping it's a misprint.

SOOKIE

I hope so, too.

PATTY

(declaring the start of the show. Everyone is now seated) Welcome, everybody, to the 28th Annual Miss Patty's School Grand Recital. (the audience applauds) Thank you. We have a lot on the program tonight. So, without further ado, please welcome my intermediate pupils as they welcome you. Hit it, boys. (a young boy in a blue outfit and a hat comes on stage as the piano starts to play)

LORELAI

She always does a fun opening number.

LORELAI

Isn't he cute?

SOOKIE

Darling.

SOOKIE

Uh-oh, they're in the audience.

LORELAI

Oh! I... I hate it when they come into the audience. Okay. Yeah... (the kids start gesturing vividly in front of Lorelai and Sookie's faces) This is... this is not good.

LORELAI

AAH!

SOOKIE

OH!

LORELAI

Blowing stuff on us! (the kids continue on with their show, into the audience)

RORY

People seem hungry tonight. Tell...

LACEY

... Glenda to speed the trays up a bit.

RORY

Yeah, and let the sound guy know...

LACEY

... that the drums are a little loud.

RORY

And it's a tad warm.

LACEY

Already had them adjust the AC.

RORY

Any incoming choppers, radar?

LACEY

Choppers? No. What do you mean?

RORY

That was a joke, Lacey.

LACEY

Oh. Sorry.

RORY

You're a doll. Remember to have a little fun tonight, too.

LACEY

Will do... Radar. I get it now. That was funny. I'll be back. (Lacey walks briskly away, Rory follows. Paris approaches a guest with a tray of appetizers)

PARIS

(offering the tray) Appetizers?

GUEST

Oh, thank you. (takes an appetizer and eats it)

PARIS

You're welcome. So how was that?

GUEST

It was fine, very good.

PARIS

I meant the transaction. I'd love a performance review. Come on, be my Dave Navarro.

GUEST

(a bit uncomfortable) Um, you were fine.

PARIS

I'm gonna need more. It was T.S. Eliot who said criticism is as inevitable as breathing and said that we should be none the worse for articulating what passes in our mind when we read a book, see a play or, now I'm elaborating, pass a cheddar and olive ball. I need some feedback.

GUEST

Really, you offered it to me well, and all seemed great, and I don't want to talk about this anymore.

PARIS

Good. Thank you, this has been a help. (walks away from the guest. Emily and Richard have now arrived at the event. The hostess welcomes them at the door)

HOSTESS

Welcome to the Hollywood Canteen.

RICHARD

Thank you. We're the Gilmores.

EMILY

(impressed) Richard, look at this place!

RICHARD

It's wonderful.

HOSTESS

Here is your table number. And take a pin, both of you.

RICHARD

Oh, thank you.

EMILY

Yeah, thank you. (they enter the hall properly now) Oh, I love this song. And look at the band. It's the Andrews Sisters.

RICHARD

They've kept in pretty good shape. (Rory walks up to the G-parents)

RORY

Hi, guys.

RICHARD

Aw! Looks like you've got a hit on your hands.

RORY

So far, so good. No one's dancing, though.

EMILY

Oh, it's early. You'll see plenty of dancing after dinner.

RICHARD

You'll see some dancing right now.

EMILY

Richard, it's before dinner. There's no dancing during appetizers.

RICHARD

Come on, let's show these fuddy-duddies how it's done. (leads Emily to the dance floor and they start dancing, as Rory looks at them smiling)

RICHARD

My father was a huge Benny Goodman fan. Hated Glenn Miller, hated him. Always claimed it wasn't the enemy who shot down that plane of his, but music lovers.

EMILY

Oh, Richard, that's a horrible thing to say.

RICHARD

It was my father who said it.

EMILY

But you just repeated it. (Rory approaches their table) Here's the woman of the hour.

RICHARD

Ah!

RORY

How's the food, everybody?

NANCY

The macaroni and cheese, what an inspiration!

RICHARD

Rory, please accept my profound thanks for serving food at a DAR event which is remarkably edible.

EMILY

Oh, Richard. We always have good food.

RICHARD

You have fancy good food. If I never look at another duck's liver for the rest of my life, I will be a happy man. (Lacey, come up to Rory a bit upset)

LACEY

Rory, could I pull you away for just a second?

RORY

Sure. Excuse me, everybody. (the girls walk away)

NANCY

She's so poised... like you, Emily.

LACEY

A party's arrived. I'm looking, looking. They did not RSVP, but they're expecting a table.

RORY

Oh, great. Where are they?

LACEY

By the war bonds table. It's Shira Huntzberger. She waltzed in with a group of ladies in tow and made it clear she expected to be accommodated.

RORY

(starting to get worked up) Did she?

LACEY

And not very nicely either.

RORY

(sarcastically) Oh, what a shock.

LACEY

But you know her, right? That's your boyfriend's mother.

RORY

Yeah, yeah, I know her.

LACEY

I didn't mean to insult her before. She was just very abrupt.

RORY

It's OK. I'll take care of it.

LACEY

(passes Rory a piece of paper) Here's the seating chart.

RORY

Thanks. (takes the seating chart and exits to the kitchen)

PARIS

Hey, boss. It's interesting, you know. Karl Marx has come alive for me today. I never understood what he was yammering about before, and now it just seems so obviously wrong that those who control capital should make their fortunes off the labour of the working class. What's wrong with you?

RORY

Shira Huntzberger is here.

PARIS

Logan's mom?

RORY

And she showed up with no warning. No RSVP, no donation to the cause that I know of. Just sashayed in, expecting everyone to fall at her feet.

PARIS

I hate that.

RORY

I hate her. Hate! Strong, unadulterated, blind... Uurrghh!

PARIS

Wow. You're always so Desmond Tutu-ey. This is refreshing.

RORY

I should tell her to leave. I should march up to her and tell her to grab those arrogance-dripping, petulance-oozing, surgically cosmeticized bims she brought along and hit the bricks.

PARIS

I bet they all have money, too. Every one of those commodity fetishists.

RORY

How can she expect a table? The tables are for the people who are polite enough to respond to an invitation in the proper manner.

PARIS

I bet you the Romanovs never RSVP'd either. They got theirs. Capitalist scum.

RORY

I hate her!

PARIS

I hate the rich. A hard rain is gonna fall, you know what I'm saying?

RORY

I really hate her!

PARIS

They should die.

RORY

I should probably give her a table.

PARIS

What?

RORY

Well, we have a spare table. We kept it open in case of something like this. I should give it to her.

PARIS

But she doesn't deserve it.

RORY

I know, but this is business. It's not personal. I should give her that table.

PARIS

Fine. Whatever you think. You're the boss. Hey, boss, how much are you being paid in this job of yours? (Rory looks at Paris for a beat and then walks way)

RORY

Mrs. Huntzberger.

SHIRA

Rory, hi! What are you doing here?

RORY

I'm running this event.

SHIRA

I didn't know.

RORY

Well, now you do.

SHIRA

I think I've been bad.

RORY

Oh, really? Why?

SHIRA

I just showed up without any warning. I didn't think I could come, so I didn't call. Then I could, and the group and I just came down.

RORY

It happens.

SHIRA

That's what I told that other girl. She was a bit rude.

RORY

Lacey? I'll talk to her.

SHIRA

Could you get us a table?

RORY

Of course. Come.

SHIRA

It's not a problem?

RORY

Oh! Not at all. (leads Shira and the ladies that accompany her to a table) Come with me. It's all set up.

SHIRA

Oh, you are the best.

RORY

It's just my job.

SHIRA

So no Logan?

RORY

Not tonight.

SHIRA

Not his thing?

RORY

Oh, you know Logan. Here we are.

SHIRA

Thank you so much. (as she sits down) And you look so pretty.

RORY

So do you. Have a good time.

SHIRA

I'm sure we will. (Rory walks away upset)

VIVIAN

You've created a superstar here tonight, Emily. I hope you know that.

EMILY

Well, yes, I do.

VIVIAN

There's already talk of giving her the A.A.

RICHARD

An A.A?

VIVIAN

An Abigail Adams, for distinguished service above and beyond.

EMILY

She deserves it.

VIVIAN

She's made this a must-be-at event. I'm guessing that's what brought Shira here.

EMILY

(excited) Shira? Shira Huntzberger's here?

VIVIAN

Rumsfeld, himself, would probably call her and thank her for the donation she made on the way in. Hillbilly armor will be a thing of the past.

EMILY

Where is she sitting?

VIVIAN

Up front. The table by the band.

EMILY

(shocked) Oh, my God!

RICHARD

(confused) What?

EMILY

Oh, my god. Excuse me. (Emily rushes off over to Rory at the other end of the bar) Rory, where's the seating chart?

RORY

What? Why?

EMILY

There's been a terrible mistake.

RORY

What mistake?

EMILY

You sat Shira Huntzberger at the slush table.

RORY

It was all that was available.

EMILY

The slush table is a loser table.

RORY

But why would we have a loser table?

EMILY

It's for people who show up unannounced.

RORY

(pissy) She was unannounced.

EMILY

There's people, then there's the Huntzbergers. They cannot sit at that table. This needs to be rectified.

RORY

I don't know what I can do. Every table is taken.

EMILY

I'll take care of it. Give me the seating chart. I'll find someone to bump. There's always someone to bump.

RORY

(opening up the seating chart and passing it to Emily) Grandma, it doesn't seem fair to bump someone.

EMILY

It's not. But if we don't find better seating for the Huntzbergers, it'll be a major faux pas, and it may be the only thing people remember from this otherwise wonderful event.

RORY

Wow.

EMILY

Yes.

RORY

Well, thank you for helping. And it's not the Huntzbergers.

EMILY

(distracted by the seating chart) What?

RORY

You keep saying "the Huntzbergers." It's only Shira and some friends.

EMILY

And Mitchum.

RORY

No.

EMILY

Yes. He's right over there. (points to Mitchum's direction. Rory looks around, notices Mitchum and starts to panic. Emily gasps gleefully) The Bettertons. Perfect! We'll bump Constance Betterton. It's a win/win. (walks away and leaves a scared looking Rory alone. Rory quickly gathers her things and walks away)

RORY

(upset) Paris?!

PARIS

I'm just on my break. You're white as a sheet.

RORY

I'm having trouble... breathing.

PARIS

(walks over to Rory) You're having a panic attack.

RORY

I think so.

PARIS

Don't worry. I have these all the time.

RORY

What do I do?

PARIS

Well, it depends. There are different kinds. Does it feel like an elephant is sitting on your chest?

RORY

No.

PARIS

Does your chest feel like an overinflated balloon with a slow leak?

RORY

Uum... Not really.

PARIS

Sharp needles, intermittently poking into your left ventricle?

RORY

I don't know from ventricles, but there is a needle thing.

PARIS

You need Diazepam. 50... no, 100 milligrams. I'll get my purse. (starts to leave)

RORY

No, wait. I don't want any Diazepam. (Paris stops and walks back up at Rory)

PARIS

Well, what do you want? Fluoxetine, Protriptyline? I have others floating around the bottom of my purse. I have no idea what they are, but just popping a few can't hurt. Pretty hot grab bag

RORY

These people... Those people, they didn't even RSVP. That's not right. This is for our boys. They need to make a donation.

PARIS

(walks closer to Rory) Tough night for you, huh?

RORY

Shira's one thing. I can deal with her. But Mitchum? I can't see him. I can't face him. It's too much. After what he did, what he said to me. (voice breaks)

PARIS

What did he say to you?

RORY

If it weren't for him, I wouldn't have...

PARIS

you wouldn't have what? Rory?

RORY

Nothing, nothing. He's just... They're just not the nicest people.

PARIS

Well, the rich never are, because they don't have to be. When you control the means of production, it reduces the incentive to humanize workers. The capitalist system...

RORY

(cuts Paris off) You know, I haven't eaten all day. I... I think I should eat. That's my problem. (walks away)

PARIS

Sure, boss, go eat. There's probably somewhere else where you eat, right? Special room.

SOOKIE

It's just so damn beautiful.

LORELAI

(sympathetically) I know, honey. (the dance is over and the audience starts to applaud)

PATTY

The Miss Patty Ballerinas, everybody. Now I would like to introduce a special new segment of my annual recital entitled "It Was 20 Years Ago Today." One of our local townsmen is going to re-create an act that he performed on this very stage 20 years ago. This young man was a talented pupil of my wonderful dancing skills and a genius tumbler. He once did ninety-eight somersaults in a row without throwing up. But that's nothing compared with his talent for mime. Here to present a piece of his own creation, entitled "The Journey Of Man", exactly as he performed it 20 years ago is... Kirk! (The audience applauds, Lorelai whistles. The lights go down and creepy, dramatical, mystical music starts to play. Kirk walks on stage and lies down. A spotlight on him is the only thing illuminating the stage)

LORELAI

(whispering to Sookie) Oh, it's moments like these that make life worth living. (Kirk starts up with his number. He pretends to be a sperm swimming then an embryo. All this is done in a very Kirk like disturbing manner)

LORELAI

Ew.

SOOKIE

Ew. (the same dramatic music keeps playing, now accompanied by chanting. Kirk is now re-enacting birth)

LORELAI

(disgusted) Ew!

SOOKIE

(disgusted) Ew! (Kirk does some funny - well not meant to be funny, but they come off that way - faces and gestures as he does that thing where doctors hit the baby's back in order to make it cry)

LORELAI

So it's the birth of Lucille Ball? (Kirk is now an infant, walking like he's holding someone?s hand. Slowly he starts to stand up straight and then pretends to hold a bundle. Lorelai gasps!) He's a parent now, I get that.

SOOKIE

He's moving along at a nice clip. (Lorelai notices Luke's truck at the diner and sees Luke getting out and going back in)

LORELAI

I'll be right back.

SOOKIE

I'll catch you up when you return. (Lorelai gets up and exits the studio)

LORELAI

Hey, Grizzly Adams. Why are you back? The woods closed or something?

LUKE

No, they weren't closed. I was... I don't know. It's... what it is. Nature.

LORELAI

Nature? Nature is...

LUKE

You know, it's there, I saw it. Trees, leaves, whatever.

LORELAI

OK, that's your second answer in the form of a haiku. Let's get beyond that. Why are you back?

LUKE

Because I felt like coming back. I can't do what I want to do?

LORELAI

Of course you can.

LUKE

Good.

LORELAI

But camping is something you want to do.

LUKE

No, it's what you wanted me to do.

LORELAI

When did you turn against camping?

LUKE

I didn't turn against camping. I'm just trying to understand, why you were trying to get rid of me tonight.

LORELAI

I wasn't doing that.

LUKE

Well, you sent me off to the woods. What if I don't want to go off to the woods?

LORELAI

But you always want to go to the woods.

LUKE

Well, I don't like going to the woods when I'm being banished to them.

LORELAI

No one is banishing you.

LUKE

It felt like it.

LORELAI

Well, then, that's my fault. (sits on a nearby stool)

LUKE

(sighs) Look... I like doing things with you. Surprised I have to tell you that.

LORELAI

You don't have to tell me that.

LUKE

I like going shopping with you, I like having dinner with Sookie and Jackson. The actual shopping seems a little pointless, and Sookie's kids drive me up a wall, but you're there, and I like hanging with you.

LORELAI

I know that.

LUKE

And, I could have been fun at this recital. I mean, you're probably sitting there mocking most of it. I can mock stuff.

LORELAI

Oh, you're a great mocker. I was only thinking of you when I mentioned the camping. You haven't been camping since we got together, and I was feeling weird about that. You should do the things you like.

LUKE

I do do the things I like.

LORELAI

Well, I wasn't getting rid of you. I want you to do whatever you want to do with me. I know that sounded dirty, and dirty things count, but I didn't mean the dirty things. You and me can hang whenever, wherever.

LUKE

Yeah, well, maybe I'm being sensitive.

LORELAI

I really wasn't getting rid of you.

LUKE

I mean, I'm not dying to see baton twirling.

LORELAI

I'm happy to be with a man who isn't.

LUKE

Was there baton twirling?

LORELAI

Oh, yes, and it was no fun. She didn't drop it once. You want to come back to the recital with me? Kirk is doing something strange and disturbing.

LUKE

Nah, I think I might go back out camping. Wouldn't mind doing some fishing.

LORELAI

Good.

LUKE

Yeah. Good.

LORELAI

OK. (Lorelai leaves and Luke turns back his focus to his camping equipment)

LORELAI

Excuse me. Thank you. Hey.

SOOKIE

Kirk's dying.

LORELAI

Oh. Well, it's gonna happen to all of us one day. (notices Kirk twitching all over the place) Just not so spazzy. (Kirk finally seems to have *died* and the music stops. The audience starts applauding and cheering)

PATTY

And that's our show, everybody, and I think it was the best one ever! From all of us at the Miss Patty School, we thank you. (everyone starts to get up as music starts playing again. It's "We Got Magic To Do" now performed by all the pupils. The show is taken in the audience so everyone sits back down)

SOOKIE

(disappointed) OOooohh...

LORELAI

They're back. (as one of the kids starts singing and gesturing in front of her face) OK. (they throw glitter at them again) Oh, wow! You'd think they would have run out of glitter by now.

SOOKIE

This is so stressful! (the show seems to go on until the song is over)

MITCHUM

Richard.

RICHARD

Oh, Mitchum, old boy. I didn't know you were out there.

MITCHUM

Just got here. It's quite the affair we got going here.

RICHARD

And for a wonderful cause.

MITCHUM

Not stuffy like the others. No smell of mothballs.

RICHARD

Well you know my granddaughter is responsible for it.

MITCHUM

Oh, yeah?

RICHARD

Mmm. Planned the whole thing.

MITCHUM

Well, that's nice. I didn't know that. She's a sweet kid.

RICHARD

The sweetest.

MITCHUM

Yeah. I wish Rory nothing but the best. (walks over to the mirror and starts fixing his hair a bit and straightening his tie) I came straight from work without looking in a mirror. Wish I had.

RICHARD

(chuckles) Mitchum, just out of curiosity, what happened with all of that?

MITCHUM

All of what?

RICHARD

Uh, that paper of yours in Stanford. Something apparently got blown out of proportion. There was some misunderstanding.

MITCHUM

Oh, it was nothing much. She's a great kid.

RICHARD

She is. And a great journalist. I've read things she's written. She's a talent.

MITCHUM

Maybe.

RICHARD

What do you mean "maybe"?

MITCHUM

well, I worked with her, Richard. I read her stuff, too.

RICHARD

Meaning?

MITCHUM

I've read great. I know what great is.

RICHARD

Well, when I said great, I didn't mean she was Ben Bradley yet, but she could be.

MITCHUM

(looks over at Richard for a beat) Anything's possible. (starts to walk away)

RICHARD

What exactly happened at that paper, Mitchum? (walks over to Mitchum)

MITCHUM

It didn't work out, Richard. It was just one of those things. She's better off for what I did.

RICHARD

And what exactly did you do?

MITCHUM

Nothing you wouldn't have done.

RICHARD

Oh? And what was that?

MITCHUM

You're in the business world. You have employees, yes?

RICHARD

Of course.

MITCHUM

Say you got a guy working in your office. You brought him in. Nice guy, everybody loves him, but he just doesn't have it. He's a drain on the company. What are you gonna do?

RICHARD

My granddaughter was not a drain on your company.

MITCHUM

My point is that I wasn't going to put her in a position to become a drain. Now, Richard, really, we should get back out there.

RICHARD

What did you say to her?

MITCHUM

Richard... !

RICHARD

(persistent) what did you say to her, Mitchum?

MITCHUM

I did what I do with everyone. I called it like I saw it. I was honest with her. I don't pussyfoot. You know that.

RICHARD

You crushed her.

MITCHUM

And if she's got what it takes, she'll bounce back. No one's every criticized you, reprimanded you, critiqued you? I find that hard to believe.

RICHARD

(staring to raise his voice) This is not about me.

MITCHUM

She was in over her head. She lacked maturity.

RICHARD

She's not even 21!

MITCHUM

Look, just blame me, OK? I felt bad that she had to sit through that disastrous dinner with Shira and Pop, going on about marriage and how she can't become a Huntzberger. I don't care about any of that, so I gave her a shot, and she wasn't up to it.

RICHARD

(clearly upset) You crushed that girl!

MITCHUM

I did what I do. We should have done this on the phone. (Richard walks out of the room angrily)

EMILY

Richard, there you are. This is one of your favourites, and you're missing it.

RICHARD

It's all true, all of it.

EMILY

What's true?

RICHARD

Everything she told us. Everything!

EMILY

?Everything? who told us?

RICHARD

Lorelai. About what Mitchum did to Rory. How he said things to her, crushed her. About Logan's whole family!

EMILY

(disbelievingly) That can't be.

RICHARD

(frustrated) Mitchum just confirmed everything. He told that girl she wasn't good enough. I ought to punch him!

EMILY

Richard, calm down. People will hear.

RICHARD

They don't want her marrying into their precious family. They don't think she's good enough. He told her that she didn't have it. And you know she does! I know she does!

EMILY

Of course she does.

RICHARD

I can't stay in this room with these people.

EMILY

Richard, go outside, get some air.

RICHARD

We should go home.

EMILY

I'll catch up with you. Go outside.

RICHARD

(mad) Yeah, yeah. (Richard walks away. Emily turns slowly and menacingly and looks over at Shira's table. She walks over to her)

SHIRA

(greets Emily warmly) Emily!

EMILY

Hello, Shira. (they kiss hello) I'm here to rescue you. I've got a table for you and Mitchum right in the center.

SHIRA

Oh, bless you, Emily. I'm undeserving.

EMILY

Nonsense. It was a terrible mistake, and it must be rectified.

SHIRA

(referring to the band) Aren't they amazing?

EMILY

The whole combo is amazing. Follow me.

SHIRA

Me, I love the Beatles. Mitchum took me to see Paul McCartney last year, and I almost died. (Emily chuckles politely as Shira and her party get up. Emily holds Shira by the arm as she directs them to their new table)

EMILY

So Richard tells me we have a little problem.

SHIRA

Really? With what?

EMILY

With the kids. Logan, Rory. I understand you're not exactly thrilled with the match, that you let that be known to Rory at the dinner she had at your house. (they reach the table)

SHIRA

Oh, well, I wouldn't say "not thrilled".

EMILY

Then what would you say?

SHIRA

Oh, Emily, this is a party.

EMILY

I'm just curious.

SHIRA

This may not be the time and place, Emily. (she sits)

EMILY

(to two guests walking by) Hello, you two, drop by our table later. (back to Shira) Let's make it the time and place.

SHIRA

Consider the discrepancies, Emily.

EMILY

Well, that's what's confusing me. They both come from good families, both have good values. Money doesn't seem to be an issue. We all have money.

SHIRA

Frankly, Emily, there's your money, then there's our money.

EMILY

Oh?

SHIRA

And our family has a lot of responsibilities that come with that. An image to maintain.

EMILY

Ah, yes! Well let me tell you this, Shira. We are just as good as you are. You don't think Rory is good enough for your son, as if we don't know Logan's reputation. We do. But he is welcome in our home anytime, and you should extend the same courtesy to Rory.

SHIRA

Emily...

EMILY

Now let's talk about your money. (she bends over Shira?s chair) You were a two-bit gold digger, fresh off the bus from Hicksville when you met Mitchum at whatever bar you happened to stumble into. And what made Mitchum decide to choose you to marry amongst the pack of women he was bedding at the time, I'll never know. But hats off to you for bagging him. He's still a playboy, you know? Well, of course you know. That would explain why your weight goes up and down 30 pounds every other month. (Shira laughs uncomfortably) But that's your cross to bear. But these are ugly realities. No one needs to talk about them. Those kids are staying together for as long as they like. You won't stop them. Now, enjoy the event. (Emily walls away and Shira looks uncomfortable. Waving at another guest) Diane, hello! (Emily walks over to her table and sits down. The band Stops playing. The guests start to applaud as Rory walks on stage)

RORY

The Swing Dolls, everybody. (Richard walks back into the main Hall, as the people applaud) I'm Rory Gilmore, the architect of this event. (everyone starts to applaud again. Emily looks radiant) Thank you. And I'd like to take this moment to thank some others for the outstanding success this evening. To Lacey Boscombe, my right hand, my girl Friday, I could not have done it without you. To Glenda, Lance, the entire serving crew, thank you. To the kind people at KBC Audio who generously donated this amazing... (as Rory delivers her "Thank You" speech Richard looks at her with great sadness)