Revival E4: “Fall”

LORELAI

Huh.

LORELAI

Huh. [Sighs as she gets out her cell phone.]

LUKE

[On the phone] Hey, it's Luke. Leave a message.

LORELAI

Hey, it's me. I'm standing here in my lovely motel room in its various shades of orange, and brown and DNA samples. I figure as long as I don't break out the black light, I'll be fine. The ice machine is right next door. I've appointed myself ice monitor. Thank you. There will be a badge and a hat. I figure I'll hear people trying to get ice and I can interrogate them. What do they need the ice for? How much do they need? What shape's their bucket in? Basically, I've been alone for exactly 12 hours, and I'm already nuts. So, I thought I would check in and let you know I got here. Getting my pack ready, and How important is food on a hiking trip? Aren't all parts of the pine tree edible? I should get to bed. I'm hitting the trail really early in the morning. Hitting the trail. That's hiking lingo. So I'll keep you posted. [Hangs up]

LORELAI

[sighs] Crap.

LORELAI

[Exhales deeply realizing she missed something.]

LORELAI

[Trying to close her pack again.] No, no, no! No, no, no! I will not win!

LORELAI

Yes! Yeah! Yeah! [Moves the pack only to find something on the bed.] No! No! No, no, no, no, no! No, no, no, no! [Throws it out the door.] Hey, what do you need that ice for?

LORELAI

[gasps] Feet. So many feet. [sighs as she gets up.] Shoot. [Tries to put things in her pack.] This would be great with calliope music playing.

LORELAI

No one's getting out of this one, boys. [Picks up something that fell from her pack.]

TRACY

What's the holdup?

ALLIE

I don't know.

TRACY

I'm reapplying.

ALLIE

You just put that sunscreen on.

TRACY

Give me some.

WOMAN 1

I brought extra pair of boots to toss over the side.

WOMAN 2

Oh, just like Reese.

WOMAN 1

Just like Reese.

ALLIE

Book or movie?

LORELAI

I'm sorry?

ALLIE

Which one are you? Book or movie? They're movie.

LORELAI

Oh. Uh book. I am book.

ALLIE

We're book, too. You want sunscreen?

LORELAI

No, I'm good.

ALLIE

Are you just starting?

LORELAI

Yes.

ALLIE

Me, too. So excited.

TRACY

I've been planning this for a year. Since my divorce.

ALLIE

Since my mother died. And my divorce. And what about you?

LORELAI

I...

WOMAN 3

Book or movie?

ALL

Book.

WOMAN 3

Oh. [To some one else.] Excuse me. Book or movie?

MELANIE

Movie!

WOMAN 3

Me, too!

LORELAI

Wow. What's she? Off-Broadway?

ALLIE

That's the thru-hiker. She's doing the entire Pacific Crest Trail. All 2,650 miles.

LORELAI

Holy hell.

TRACY

Takes over six months.

LORELAI

Of being dressed like this?

TRACY

Yep. I tried talking to her last night. She just looks right through you.

ALLIE

Somebody told me she's a crazy heiress who does nothing but hike.

TRACY

Someone told me she lost two toes during a freak snow storm.

BILL

Okay. Can I get the attention of the Wild ladies?

ALLIE

Movie or book?

BILL

It actually doesn't matter.

ALLIE

It matters to us.

BILL

There's a storm coming in tonight. So it's going to be rough conditions. Now, all of you have permits and nice big backpacks, so you are welcome to begin your hikes, but it will be a brutal first day. The visibility for boot-throwing will be very bad, so you may want to consider starting tomorrow. Now, for those of you who will not be dead within 20 minutes of exposure to the elements, have your storm gear ready and available to you. And good hiking!

WOMAN 3

It doesn't even matter now.

ALLIE

Think I'm going to wait.

TRACY

Me, too. You?

LORELAI

I guess. Although I'm kinda afraid this thing is like shoes. You take it off, you swell up, you can't get it back on again. [Lorelai walks over to Bill.] Uh, yo, books don't throw boots. Respect the book.

BILL

Shoelaces are untied.

LORELAI

Huh? [Looks down.] Oh, crap. [grunts as the pack almost falls off. She recovers.]

BILL

You'll do great out there.

RORY

Hey, guys, you don't need to lock every lock when you're in here. This isn't an Italian social club.

CHARLIE

Well, well Bernie wanted it locked at all times.

RORY

Well, Bernie's not here.

ESTHER

If you'd just let us arm ourselves.

RORY

No guns! Now, for the next issue, we're going to go with the poem.

CHARLIE

The Fall poem?

RORY

Yes. The Fall poem.

ESTHER

I told you people like the poem.

RORY

Yes. The poem is terrific. Okay, so.. As you were. [Rory starts using the old computer but gets a ‘Get Ready’ message on the screen.] Charlie? Did you accidentally fall asleep writing an e-mail again?

CHARLIE

Well, no, I... I had coffee this morning.

RORY

Esther?

ESTHER

I'm filing. I was at the filing cabinet. You know what that entails.

RORY

Oh. Okay, but... [Rory is distracted as Kirks pig Petal oinks, running down the street. With a sign on its back ‘Kick up a Pumpus’.] Hey, did you guys see that?

CHARLIE

See what?

ESTHER

I'm just trying to file here.

RORY

There was a message on the pig.

CHARLIE

The pig?

ESTHER

Should I come over?

RORY

No. Never mind.

JESS

Luke? Luke?

WOMAN

[laughs]

JESS

[sighs] Seriously, Luke! Luke, you back there?

LUKE

Jeez. Ah. There's Uh, hi. There's flour. Caesar, the flour broke. Bag The flour bag broke. Jess, hey. Is it four o'clock? Yeah, it's four o'clock. It's four o'clock.

JESS

Lucy Ricardo stumbling out next?

LUKE

I broke a bag of flour. It moves.

JESS

Yes. Flour moves. Hey, what is going on out here?

LUKE

Where?

JESS

Diner of the dead.

LUKE

Oh, yeah, some jackass asked me for the Wi-Fi password and a bigger jackass gave it to him.

JESS

You didn't give me that password for six months and I lived here.

LUKE

Well, you didn't catch my big Dumb-Ass Day.

CAESAR

Luke, pick up!

LUKE

Okay. Pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up. [Luke walks off.]

JESS

Whoa!

LUKE

What?

JESS

Wrong way.

LUKE

I got it.

JESS

You okay?

LUKE

Yeah. I'm fine.

JESS

You sure?

LUKE

Yeah. Sure. [To Caesar] What is this?

CAESAR

One bagel split four ways.

LUKE

Oh, Jesus. God. I hate laptoppers.

JESS

Why don't you kick 'em out?

LUKE

Well I didn't have to kick 'em out. I had a perfect system. No password. And then they'd leave on their own. Now they sit around for hours catching old episodes of Doctor Who. I'll see you in an hour.

JESS

So we're off the hook for this thing tonight.

LUKE

What thing?

JESS

We were going to Liz and T. J. 's, to chase off the weirdo vegetable cult?

LUKE

Right.

JESS

Turns out the vegetable cult thought Mom and T. J. were too weird and kicked them out.

LUKE

I see their point.

JESS

We could still grab some food later unless you're palnning a big fight the baking soda.

LUKE

Hilarious.

JESS

So, I'll come by around 8:00? [Starts to walk out.]

LUKE

Great. And then we'll go to Liz and T. J.'s after?

JESS

[Returns to the counter.] Luke, what's up?

LUKE

Nothing. No, I You know, I'm just a little tired. I just need some sleep. That's all.

JESS

Everything okay at home?

LUKE

Fine.

JESS

Fine.

LUKE

Yes. Fine, fine. No. Yes, yes, fine. [Jess goes behind the counter.] What're you doing? Whoa, whoa. Hey, hey. I got work to do, man.

JESS

Come on. You're the owner. Take a break. There you go. Sit. So, you wanna talk about what's going on with you?

LUKE

[chuckles] Nope.

JESS

Okay.

LUKE

Lorelai's doing Wild.

JESS

Movie or book? [Luke gives his a look.] Very different experiences.

LUKE

Book.

JESS

A purist. Go on.

LUKE

She's just, uh well, she's doing Wild. Out there. She got on a plane and flew off to California and bought some hiking boots.

JESS

Cute hiking boots?

LUKE

No, the real hiking boots that you can hike in. And this is after we You know, there's been some, uh... [sighs] Between us, it's been...

JESS

Communication problems?

LUKE

Exactly.

JESS

Never experienced that myself. Maybe she wanted a vacation.

LUKE

Yeah, from me. From us.

JESS

No. No.

LUKE

Uh, she's been keeping things from me.

JESS

Guy things?

LUKE

No. Other things. Like, [deep breath] she's been she's been going to a therapist. Do not say, "It's about time. "

JESS

I did not say it. I thought it, but that's the way my mind works.

LUKE

Ah, we've been arguing, like sniping. And, we never sniped, you know. We never picked at each other in public and put each other down and made other people look at us like, "Oops, what's going on?"

JESS

I don't like you using the word "oops."

LUKE

I don't like me using the word “oops” either. I never used the word “oops” before. Now I'm a guy who snipes at his girl and uses the word "oops."

JESS

Well, when does she get back?

LUKE

Three weeks. It's the longest we've been apart since we got together.

JESS

You might be wrong.

LUKE

You think I'm wrong?

JESS

Hey, I'm just hearing headlines.

LUKE

Lorelai Gilmore decides to hike the Pacific Crest Trail to figure some things out. What's that sound like?

JESS

It sounds like she's leaving you.

LUKE

Yeah. [sighs and exhales] Yeah. I gotta get back to work. [sighs as he gets up.]

MAN 1

Can I get a coffee?

LUKE

Yeah. You want food with that maybe?

MAN 1

Nope, just the coffee.

JESS

That's it. [he walks to the back room.]

LUKE

Just the coffee. Just the coffee.

JESS

Merry Christmas. [Tosses Luke the DSL modem]

MAN 2

Oh, man. Bogus.

WOMAN

When are we gonna get a Starbucks?

LORELAI

Hmm. [Not liking the taste.] Oh, come on something about this trip has gotta be fun. Sticking sticking to the roof. [Drinks a soda]

CHERYL

[Movie] Dear Paul, I woke up this morning and I wrote your name in the sand.

ALLIE

Hey. Come join us.

LORELAI

What's up, ladies?

TRACY

It just got so boring in that room. And there's nothing good to watch on TV. And the drapes smell funny.

ALLIE

And I'm afraid of my pack. I think it's gonna come to life in the middle of the night and kill me.

LORELAI

You should have paid more for the non-homicidal one. Plus it came with a mini flashlight.

TRACY

We're gonna be alone for weeks with no one to talk to, so we figured let's just get it all out now. Box wine?

LORELAI

Sure.

TRACY

Trader Joe's. Three for ten bucks.

LORELAI

Score.

TRACY

I thought boxes would be lighter. You're not supposed to bring bottles.

ALLIE

What's your contraband?

LORELAI

What?

ALLIE

What did you bring that you weren’t supposed to? I brought a mirror and four shades of nail polish.

BRENDA

I brought a ham.

LORELAI

Oh, um, well I brought the key to my storage closet, so if Michel needs a toner cartridge, he just gonna have to go to Staples.

BRENDA

I am so glad I'm doing this. I almost did Eat, Pray, Love, but my miles were blacked out. So, here I am.

ELLORY

The Lean Cuisines are ready. Come and get 'em.

BRENDA

I brought SnackWells and VitaTops for dessert.

LORELAI

Wow, you guys came prepared. Not for hiking, but prepared.

TRACY

So, what's your story?

LORELAI

Oh, no story. Just a punch line.

TRACY

Well, who are you? Where are you from?

LORELAI

My name is Lorelai Gilmore, and I am from a little town in Connecticut.

ELLORY

Are you married?

LORELAI

No.

ALLIE

That's why she's here. I said you were divorced.

LORELAI

Oh, no, I'm not divorced. Well I am divorced, but not from the guy I'm currently with. We just... [inhales] We live together.

ALLIE

And he cheats.

LORELAI

No.

TRACY

You cheat.

LORELAI

No.

ALLIE

He's dumb, and he drinks, and he smells.

LORELAI

Man, I can really pick 'em.

TRACY

Well?

LORELAI

No. He's a good guy.

BRENDA

Are your kids terrible?

ALLIE

We don't know if she has kids.

LORELAI

I have a daughter. She's amazing.

ALLIE

So, you're addicted to Vicodin.

LORELAI

No.

ELLORY

Heroin?

ALLIE

I've heard it's the big housewife drug now.

TRACY

How would you even get heroin?

ALLIE

They sell it behind the Olive Garden down the street.

ELLORY

I'm going to make some French bread pizza. Any takers?

TRACY

Sure.

WOMAN

Me!

BRENDA

[sighs] God, I hope this hike works. I need a new life so badly.

ALLIE

Me, too. I can't imagine waking up like this anymore. I need some clarity. [takes deep breath] Insight.

TRACY

I've waited my whole life to have insight, you know?

LORELAI

Well, I always thought I had insight. [sighs] I thought I knew exactly what I wanted, where I was going, what I was doing and why I was doing it. I was so sure. But, lately, I don't know, things seem hazier. Plus, there's the clocks ticking, and the milestones looming and there's Luke. Suddenly, I feel like I'm standing still. Like the whole world is moving and I'm standing completely still. [sighs] Boy, we're gonna need another box.

MAN

[On unicycle] "By the pricking of my thumbs, something wicked this way comes."

BIRD

[talking] Rory. Rory. Get ready, Rory. Get ready, Rory.

RORY

What the... [confused]

RORY

Hello? Is anyone here? Hello?

ESTHER

In omnia paratus. [holding a flash to light her face.]

RORY

What?

ESTHER

Didn't I say that right? [looks at her note] Yep. That's it.

RORY

[Smiling] Well, I'll be damned. [She walks out side in to the middle of the street.] Are you gentlemen lost?

FINN

Gentlemen did you hear that?

ROBERT

I did and I'm offended.

FINN

Are we going to take that? Letting this girl call us gentlemen?

RORY

Take the masks off.

COLIN

My dear lady, you do not ask a man to drop his facade.

FINN

Not without a 20 in your hand, anyhow.

RORY

What on Earth are you guys doing here?

ROBERT

She speaks to us as if she knows us.

COLIN

As if she has intimate knowledge of us.

RORY

How was your knee surgery, Colin?

COLIN

[taking off the mask] Every single nurse was a man. When did that happen?

ROBERT

So, let's have a look at you here. She seems pale.

RORY

I'm always pale.

FINN

She seems sadly dressed for the fields.

ROBERT

Or riding in boxcars.

COLIN

Or perhaps she's passing herself off as a boy.

FINN

Like Yentl.

COLIN

Tell me, girl, are you Yentl?

RORY

Well, it is Friday, so...

COLIN

Men, I believe we've arrived just in time.

RORY

Time for what?

FINN

"Time for what?" she asks.

ROBERT

Ah, the female sex. They do ask questions.

FINN

There was a meeting, my darling.

RORY

A meeting?

COLIN

A convocation.

ROBERT

An assemblage.

FINN

A conclave.

COLIN

A parley.

FINN

A hen party.

COLIN

There was scotch.

ROBERT

After discussing the minutes from the last meeting and the minutes we took in this meeting discussing the minutes from the last meeting

FINN

There was a lot of scotch.

COLIN

We voted.

LOGAN

[off to the side.] And we decided, that we had to come and take you out.

KIRK

[In his Film] It's an omen. Petal, no!

ROBERT

Superb!

FINN

A lost classic.

LOGAN

Another La Dolce Vita.

RORY

They're remaking it with Gosling.

COLIN

First Arthur, now this. They never learn.

ALL

[clashing glasses] Cheers!

COLIN

What time is it?

FINN

Time is but a relative concept.

RORY

10:15.

LOGAN

Time to hit the road.

LOGAN

Wanna try that?

RORY

[chuckles] Hell no.

WOMAN

[crossing the floor] Cigars, cigarillos, e-cigs, vapes. Cigars, cigarillos, e-cigs, vapes. Cigars, cigarillos...

ROBERT

Another bottle.

DORIS

My mother taught me to only drink very expensive champagne.

ROBERT

That's funny. Your mother taught me the same thing.

COLIN

Don't they ever play any other kind of music?

ROBERT

In a tango club? No. They tend to stay on message.

COLIN

It's extremely irritating.

DORIS

You need to learn to enjoy things more.

COLIN

Why's the waitress sitting?

ROBERT

This is not the waitress. This is my newly minted fiancé. What is your name again, sweetheart?

DORIS

Doris.

ROBERT

We can fix that.

COLIN

It's nice to meet you, Doris. [To Robert] Check your wallet before you leave. [Announcing] I'm bored. I think I'm going to buy the club.

FINN

[Taking Colin’s seat.] Martini, darling. Two olives. And for the love of God, hurry back.

ROBERT

Finn, isn't that a guy?

FINN

Only till next Tuesday.

RORY

How's your foot?

LOGAN

I do not think it's broken.

RORY

Well, good.

LOGAN

You're still a terrible dancer.

RORY

Agreed.

LOGAN

But damn, you are a beauty.

RORY

Save the sweet talk, Huntzberger.

LOGAN

Well, you are.

RORY

I'm not going Dutch, so...

LOGAN

[chuckles] Rats. [Taking a drink.] Glad I came?

RORY

Why did you come?

LOGAN

Well, it was my turn to walk Finn.

RORY

Sure.

LOGAN

I did not like the way we left things.

RORY

Yeah. Me neither.

LOGAN

I should've told you about Odette moving in.

RORY

Nope. That was not the agreement.

LOGAN

I know.

RORY

You owed me nothing.

LOGAN

Technically no, but...

RORY

No strings. When we're together, we're together. When we're not, we're not.

LOGAN

So, how are you?

RORY

Oh, well, I'm okay.

LOGAN

Did you fix things with Lorelai?

RORY

Not yet. I've been crashing at Lane's.

LOGAN

No word from her at all?

RORY

Nope. What time is it?

LOGAN

Why? You bored?

RORY

One thing I can honestly say, I've never been bored with you.

LOGAN

Yeah. We're good like that. I have something for you.

RORY

What is that?

LOGAN

That is a key.

RORY

To?

LOGAN

To my family's house in Maine. It's a great place. Private, on the water. It's completely empty. No one ever uses it. My dad only bought it because Martha Stewart wanted it. They had a business thing fall through. He was pissed.

RORY

[chuckles] Wow, your family life's different.

LOGAN

It's yours.

RORY

Um you're giving me a house?

LOGAN

It's yours to use. To write that book.

RORY

What?

LOGAN

Go stay as long as you want. Just work.

RORY

Logan.

LOGAN

There's a groundskeeper. He'll look after you. The cleaning lady comes twice a week. She'll cook for you. She'll shop for you.

RORY

I can't.

LOGAN

Yes, you can. You need to do this. Write this book. It's time. Please. Take the key.

RORY

Are you really gonna marry Odette?

LOGAN

That's the dynastic plan.

COLIN

[in the distance] Out of the way. You two, scram. Ladies and gentlemen, I've purchased this fine establishment, and as owner, I've decided that the only music we'll play is this. [A songs starts] Yes! All Rosemary Clooney all the time. Try tangoing to that, huh? Money is great.

FINN

Gentlemen, this is a raid. Send out your women, children, hounds and horses.

RORY

Finn! Shh.

FINN

I won't be shushed with horses and hounds at stake.

COLIN

God could this place be any more British? I bet they have Hugh Grant stuck in a closet.

RORY

I hope they have rooms. Is anyone working here?

COLIN

Oh, God, Princess Diana. Of course. Your Highness.

RORY

Maybe we should go someplace else. Hey, where are we?

RORY

New Hampshire.

LOGAN

New Hampshire?

RORY

How did we get to New Hampshire?

ROBERT

Turned right at Vermont. I'm starving.

RORY

I don't think they're open.

LOGAN

They're not. We bought the place out.

RORY

What?

LOGAN

Every room. It's just us.

FINN

And all this lovely booze. [To a dear head mounted on the wall.] Hello, darling. What's your name?

RORY

You have officially thought of everything.

ROBERT

Except food. There's no food.

FINN

Hmm. Darling, where's the rest of you?

RORY

Stop taunting the heads, Finn.

ROBERT

I wonder if there's a kitchen.

LOGAN

Try the back.

ROBERT

You coming, Finn?

FINN

Right behind you.

COLIN

I know there's a picture of Mr. Bean around here somewhere.

LOGAN

So here.

RORY

Wow. More keys.

LOGAN

I didn't know where we stood. I got you a room.

RORY

Oh Well, where's your room?

LOGAN

Uh, right across from yours.

RORY

[Kissing Logan] Show me.

COLIN

Ha! Found it. I wonder how much this place costs.

LORELAI

Okay. I got your call of the wild right here, pal. Yeah.

LORELAI

Hey, Brenda.

BRENDA

Hey, Lorelai.

LORELAI

Hey, Tracey.

TRACY

Hey, Lorelai.

LORELAI

Allie, thanks for the tape.

ALLIE

Oh, you're welcome.

LOGAN

Hey. How long have you been sitting there?

RORY

Just watching the sun come up.

LOGAN

Come back to bed.

RORY

How long before you have to get back?

LOGAN

Oh, I have time.

RORY

How long?

LOGAN

Long enough. [Rory looks at Logan.] I have a flight out at noon. Don't do the math.

RORY

Someone needs to.

LOGAN

Okay, so there's this great diner down the road. It's not your beloved Luke's, but it has an amazing breakfast.

RORY

It's really pretty here.

LOGAN

Well, I wanted it to be special.

RORY

It was. It was a perfect night.

LOGAN

Hey, Ace? Something going on in that head of yours?

RORY

Here. [Hands Logan the key]

LOGAN

No, no. I told you. It's yours. Use it to write.

RORY

I don't need it. I know where I'm going to write.

LOGAN

Okay.

RORY

Breakfast sounds good.

LOGAN

Hey...

RORY

Come on. [sniffles] We have to get you home.

FINN

There they are. Breakfast martinis, children?

RORY

No, thank you Finn.

FINN

It can only help.

LOGAN

I'll have one.

RORY

What happened to you?

ROBERT

Ask him.

RORY

Did you hit Robert?

FINN

I have no idea.

ROBERT

He has a very good idea.

FINN

Actually, I do. Because my fist is showing signs of an altercation, but the memory of the actual assault is gone.

ROBERT

I said he was from New Zealand.

FINN

Only a man with no heart would say that to me.

COLIN

Did I buy a tango club last night and a 1983 Dodge Colt?

LOGAN

I did not know about the Colt.

COLIN

Damn. My fourth Colt this month.

FINN

Mother is judging us.

LOGAN

No, she's not.

RORY

Yes, she is. Let me see your eye. It looks fine.

ROBERT

Good. I'll take this medium rare.

RORY

You'll have to cook your own steak. [sighs] Well, boys, my car is almost here.

LOGAN

What? We have a car.

COLIN

Two actually, if the Colt runs.

RORY

No. I got my own car. I need to get back. I need to get started.

FINN

No, no, no. We had a whole morning planned. Uh no one's naked yet. You can't just rush off like this. Logan, tell her!

LOGAN

I don't think she's listening to me any more boys.

ROBERT

But when will we see you again?

RORY

I don't know.

FINN

Oh, this is it? This is goodbye? No.

ROBERT

We love you, Rory.

RORY

I love you all, too. [sighs] Oh, Robert, don't cry. Your eye will swell up terribly. Here take your steak.

ROBERT

Now I know I have a heart 'cause it's breaking.

RORY

Goodbye, Colin. I'm going to miss the way that you get drunk and randomly buy things you don't need, like clubs and cars.

COLIN

And bed and breakfasts? Oh, yeah.

RORY

Oh, Colin. [Kissing him on the cheek.] [whispering to Finn] I think I'll miss you most of all.

COLIN

Hey, we heard that.

ROBERT

Yeah. Thanks a lot.

FINN

Stay photogenic, I beg of you.

RORY

[sniffles]

ROBERT

We'll meet you at the diner.

COLIN

Logan has the keys.

ROBERT

Well then, we'll walk.

FINN

Will we? How novel. So this is walking? I don't care for it actually.

LOGAN

Sure you don't want breakfast?

RORY

I'm sure.

LOGAN

I'd like to drive you back.

RORY

I know.

LOGAN

I dragged you out here

RORY

You didn't drag me. You took me on my own Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. How many girls can say that?

LOGAN

Didn't work though, did it?

RORY

Every ride has to end.

LOGAN

Okay. So [sighs] let's do this. [he kisses Rory tenderly] If you change your mind about the house, it's yours. No strings attached.

RORY

I think your days of rescuing me are over.

LOGAN

You never needed rescuing, Ace. You know that.

RORY

I do now.

LOGAN

Yeah, just like that.

TRACY

I heard she hasn't slept since Oregon.

ALLIE

Nobody's ever seen her eat.

BRENDA

Someone said she punched a bear.

CAROL

I eat. I sleep. My name's Carol. I'm a lawyer. I have two kids, both grown. I have all my toes. And I didn't punch a bear. It was a possum, and he had it coming.

PARK RANGER

[Different Ranger] Good morning, everybody. The weather is beautiful today. You should have no problem in that area. However, there is still a high probability that any outdoor activity motivated by watching a movie is probably going to end in some sort of hospitalization. Just putting that out there.

ALLIE

Oh, screw this guy. I am the book, damn it!

TRACY

You good on sunscreen?

LORELAI

I'm good.

TRACY

When this is over, I'm gonna be so thin! Allie, wait!

ALLIE

Cannot afford to slow down. Bye, Lorelai!

LORELAI

Bye, Tracey! Bye, Allie!

TRACY

Be sure to send me pictures of that crazy town of yours!

LORELAI

I'll do that! [To the Ranger] Hi there.

PARK RANGER

Uh just need your permit.

LORELAI

Oh. Hold, please. I thought I put it in my pocket. I usually well, I don't usually do any of this. I mean, who does? Unless you're on the lam. Which I am not. [chuckles] Oh, I have a permit. I showed it to your friend yesterday.

PARK RANGER

What friend?

LORELAI

The guy who was standing here dressed like you.

PARK RANGER

He's not my friend.

LORELAI

So he's just a rival ranger who stole your pants?

PARK RANGER

He did not steal my pants. He wore his own pants. Every ranger wears the same pants.

LORELAI

I'm sure you know him.

PARK RANGER

Nope.

LORELAI

Brown hair, disdainful voice? You must've seen him in the clubhouse.

PARK RANGER

We don't have a clubhouse.

LORELAI

You have a uniform, you should have a clubhouse.

PARK RANGER

Your permit?

LORELAI

Uh, is there a list? I'd be on it.

PARK RANGER

There is no list.

LORELAI

Well how do you keep track of everyone if there is no list?

PARK RANGER

We look at your permit.

LORELAI

Well, I have a permit. I showed it to your friend yesterday, and I can prove it. He stood here and gave a speech about how we were gonna die because of the weather. He said, "You all have permits, so you can go, but you shouldn't."

PARK RANGER

Good speech.

LORELAI

If I was there for the speech, then he saw my permit, because he said, "You all have permits," and I was part of "you all." That was me I'm the "all" in "you all."

PARK RANGER

Great.

LORELAI

So I can go?

PARK RANGER

As soon as I see your permit.

LORELAI

I have my permit, but it's not in my coat or my jeans. If it's not in my coat or jeans, there's a really good chance it's packed in there. And if it's in there, it is really packed in there. And the minute I open this thing up, it's like The Hurt Locker. No one survives.

PARK RANGER

I can't let you through without a permit.

LORELAI

[sighs] Come on. [gasps as she puts the pack on the ground] Oh, my God. [sighs as things fall out.] Look if I open this up, I'll never get it re-packed.

PARK RANGER

What were you gonna do on the trail?

LORELAI

Die. Right?

PARK RANGER

I don't know what to tell you.

LORELAI

How about "Go ahead"? [sighs] Look, what's your name?

PARK RANGER

Park Ranger.

LORELAI

All right, Park. I came all the way here from this tiny town in Connecticut just to walk out there and look at the wilderness, and stare at the beautiful trees, and bathe in the crystal clear lakes, and think super deep thoughts. And I know that a handsome, strapping man like you understands the deep, throbbing, primal need to connect with woodchucks and just imagine, underneath all this, I am really hot.

PARK RANGER

Ma'am, I'm a park ranger.

LORELAI

I don't know what that means.

PARK RANGER

That means no permit, no hiking.

LORELAI

Can I bribe you?

PARK RANGER

Sure.

LORELAI

My wallet's in the pack.

PARK RANGER

I will see you tomorrow.

LORELAI

[sighs] All right, well, see you tomorrow. [grunts] I got it. [panting] [the ranger points to the stuff on the ground] That's... You... you can have that.

LORELAI

[sighs, the café is closed] Aw, come on. [tries the next door, closed also.] I hate nature.

EMILY

Hello?

LORELAI

I was 13 years old.

EMILY

Lorelai?

LORELAI

[tearful] It was my birthday. And Royston Sinclair III had broken my heart in front of everyone. I'd snuck into your closet that morning and took that green beaded top that was your mother's, that you kept so carefully wrapped up in tissue paper in your cedar closet. I was never supposed to touch it. But I stole it, and I wore it to school with my Chemin de Fer sailor jeans, and I thought no one was as stylish as I was. But Royston laughed. He said I was cheap. He said the only reason he'd been my boyfriend was because he was mad at Angie Morgan and he wasn't anymore. He called me loud and weird. He said there was a rumor going around that I wasn't actually a Gilmore. That I was the gardener's daughter and you'd bought me because you couldn't have children of your own. And I was crushed. And I ran out of class and I ran out of school, and I went to the mall. And I was sitting in the food court, wishing I had some money to buy a pretzel 'cause I was starving, and I looked up and there was Dad. Standing in front of me at the mall. He never came to the mall. That day, he went to the mall. And he was furious. "Why aren't you in school?" he asked. "Tell me right now, Lorelai. Why aren't you in school?" And I tried to think of something, some lie that would make sense, but I couldn't. All I could think was that yesterday I had a boyfriend who loved me and today I didn't. [sniffles] And I started to cry. I just sat there like an idiot, bawling. And finally after what seemed like forever, I managed to control myself a little bit, and I calmed down. And I waited. I waited for him to yell at me, to punish me, to ground me forever, to tell me how disappointed he was in me. And nothing came. And finally, [voice breaking] I got up enough courage to look up at him, and he was standing there with a pretzel. A giant pretzel covered with mustard. [sobs] And he handed it to me and he said, "Let's go. " And he took me to the movies. We saw Grease and An Unmarried Woman. Something for me and something for him, he said. He bought me popcorn and Red Hots, and we sat in the dark and we watched. And then he took me home, and he gave me his sweater to cover up the stolen top, and he told you that he'd picked me up from school and taken me to the club for a soda. And that was it. We never discussed it again. [sobbing] It was the best birthday I ever had. I just thought you should know.

EMILY

Thank you, Lorelai.

LORELAI

Bye, Mom.

EMILY

[sighs, smiling and happy.]

LUKE

AND LORELAI’S HOUSE

LUKE

It's no use you sitting there looking at me. You're not getting this until it cools down. It's stupid enough that I buy your own steak. It's even stupider that I cook it for you. I'm not gonna blow on it so you can get it sooner. That only works with Lorelai, so don't even... [Paul Anker paws at Luke’s leg. He caves and blows on the hot steak.] You tell anyone about this, and we are getting a cat.

LUKE

Lorelai. What are you doing home?

LORELAI

Don't come near me.

LUKE

Why?

LORELAI

Because I smell. Every part of me smells. I... I didn't even hike and I smell. I showered and I took the plane back home. I haven't been near a cactus in the last 24 hours. And apparently all you have to do is think about hiking and you smell.

LUKE

You didn't hike?

LORELAI

I tried but they wouldn't let me.

LUKE

Why not?

LORELAI

Because I forgot things, I taped dried stew to my pack Anyway, I didn't hike. But, see, I didn't actually go to hike. I mean, I went to hike, but I only wanted to figure something out. I figured it out without hiking, which was great, 'cause the thru-hiker looked like Christian Bale in The Machinist. She knew how to get all that crap in her pack.

LUKE

Lorelai, I...

LORELAI

I was getting coffee I should've known it would have something to do with coffee. Everything in my life has something to do with coffee. I believe, in a former life, I was coffee. But the place was closed. And I had to wait, and I walked around the back and there was this hill. And I don't know why, but I walked up the hill and there was this vista, and suddenly something became completely clear to me. [sighs] Luke

LUKE

Stop! I know what you're doing.

LORELAI

You do?

LUKE

You're getting ready to leave me, and I have to tell you it's a big mistake.

LORELAI

Wait, Luke...

LUKE

I've seen the signs, I’ve seen them coming for months.

LORELAI

What signs?

LUKE

Your bolting signs. You know, the distance, the therapy, then suddenly you know you’re gonna do Wild? Really? You're gonna go hiking alone, with nothing else involved? No music festival or Hello Kitty booth. Just you and nature.

LORELAI

I admit it sounded weird.

LUKE

I don't care what anybody says. Needing space is never a good thing. Ever. I needed space before. I needed space with Nicole and we got divorced. I mean that's what "needing space" means. It means, "I need space and the number of a good attorney."

LORELAI

Luke, just...

LUKE

We have been through too much here, you and me, okay? I mean I know things aren't perfect and there's been some issues alright. You've kept things from me and I've kept things from you. You wanted me to sleep with all those women.

LORELAI

We've got to clarify how this surrogate thing works.

LUKE

I am not unhappy, okay? I am not unsatisfied. You think I'm unhappy and unsatisfied, and I can't convince you that I am not! I mean [stammers] this right here is all I will ever need. I never thought that it would happen. That you and me that we, would happen. But we did. Listen, I know I am not the easiest guy in the world to build a life with and to share a house with, but there is no one who will be more here for you than me. I will never leave. I will never think about leaving. I will do whatever it takes to fix what's wrong. I'll go to your nutty therapist. I'll open up a franchise if that's who you want me to be, I'll run the kitchen at your inn. I'll give you back the entire closet. I only took that half because you insisted I do it. I just figured you would take it back eventually, anyhow.

LORELAI

I already started. I didn't know if you noticed.

LUKE

It started to look pink.

LORELAI

There were sparkles.

LUKE

It's yours. Take it.

LORELAI

I don't want it.

LUKE

Please take it.

LORELAI

I don't need it.

LUKE

Yes, you do! You need it. You need the space, and I need you. God damn it, Lorelai! We have been through so much. I mean, we have We've watched each other go from person to person. I mean, there was Rachel, and Max and Christopher! I had to watch you marry that guy! It was awful. But we we made it here. We made it through all of that. I mean, you can't leave. You just you just can't leave

LORELAI

Luke! [sighs] I think we should get married.

LUKE

[softly] What?

LORELAI

We've waited way too long.

LUKE

But I.. I thought...

LORELAI

I already picked a date. It's this month. It's on a Sunday because you close early Sunday, anyhow.

LUKE

Doesn't matter really. It's all set.

LUKE

It's set?

LORELAI

[chuckles] It's all set.

LORELAI

Exactly the reaction I was looking for. [Lorelai chuckles as he returns.]

LUKE

I should probably get a... a better one or a newer one.

LORELAI

Don't you dare.

LUKE

Just gotta tell ya before this thing goes on, you got to realize the only way out is in a body bag.

LORELAI

Now we don't have to write our vows.

BERTA

[Speaking her language.]

JACK

Two limes as requested.

EMILY

Thank you, Jack.

JACK

[takes a deep breath] Em, listen, I've got some bad news.

EMILY

Lobster's fine.

JACK

What?

EMILY

What?

JACK

I was talking about my news.

EMILY

What news?

JACK

I have to go back to the city.

EMILY

Today?

JACK

Yes.

EMILY

Oh. Well, that is too bad. [They start walking towards the house.] Berta!

JACK

I feel terrible. I was gonna take you to the Whaling Museum.

EMILY

Well, next time. [to Berta] Mr. Smith is heading back to Hartford. Get his Mr. Smith is His bag.

BERTA

Ah, ah, ah.

EMILY

He's going bye-bye.

JACK

You should find people you can understand them.

EMILY

I'm working on it. [Both chuckle] Well, drive safely.

JACK

Uh-huh.

EMILY

Ah, thank you, Berta.

JACK

Oh, yes. Gracias, Berta.

BERTA

Bye-bye.

EMILY

I'll call you later to check in, all right?

JACK

I wish my first three wives had been as understanding as you.

EMILY

Yes, that would've been helpful.

JACK

I'll miss you.

EMILY

Of course you will.

TOUR GUIDE

The manufacturing of candles from the head matter of sperm whales began in America around 1748. Nantucketer Christopher Hussey killed the island's first sperm whale in 1712. From then on, sperm whales became the specialty of Nantucket whalers. Whales were very important to Nantucketers. In addition to oil for lamps, whales were used for food, the bones were used to make skirt hoops, umbrellas, furniture springs...

BOY 1

Is that a whale?

TOUR GUIDE

That is a whale, yes.

BOY 1

It's big.

TOUR GUIDE

It is big. Very big.

BOY 2

Is he dead?

TOUR GUIDE

I don't know. Now where was I?

EMILY

Umbrellas, furniture springs.

TOUR GUIDE

Oh, right. Umbrellas, furniture springs, buggy whips, toys, collar stays, springs in early typewriters, curtain pulls, dog collars, back scratchers, bicycle spokes, hairpins, toothpicks, flag poles.

EMILY

[hands free phone] Rory, it's your grandmother. I am so sorry to have missed your call. Yes, I am in Nantucket, and yes, the house is empty, and yes, it is all yours. Berta and the family are with me, but there are fresh sheets on the bed in the guest room, and there's some wonderful dishes in the freezer. I have no idea what they are or what's in them, but Berta made them and they are divine. Call if you need anything.

EMILY

[echoing] ...we have with Lorelai and Rory? She knows what time we dine. Why are you eating so quickly?

LORELAI

[Day dream] We're not eating quickly.

RORY

[Day dream] Yeah you've been on the phone for a while, it probably just seems like we've eaten a lot.

EMILY

[Day dream] Who could that be?

RICHARD

[Day dream] Emily.

EMILY

[Day dream] Aren't we popular? Richard, perhaps you could get that while I have another bath sheet versus bath towel debate with your mother.

RORY

[Day dream] I'm gonna make it.

EMILY

[Day dream] Rory, you're not serious.

RICHARD

[Day dream] That hardly looks like dinner.

EMILY

[Day dream] I agree. Rory, that's food you eat at the carnival or in a Turkish prison.

RORY

[Day dream] I promise you're gonna love it.

EMILY

[Day dream] But...

RORY

[Day dream] Listen, just leave it up to me. You guys go back into the living room, and I'll call you when it's ready.

LORELAI

Well, Damon, it's a very impressive resume.

DAMON

And here are my references, in case you need them.

MICHEL

Oh, we will. Believe me. Oh, come on. Ian Schrager as a reference?

DAMON

He recruited me out of college.

LORELAI

Interesting. I'm just wondering why you didn't stay in the Ian Schrager world. Why are you looking at a small place?

MICHEL

Yes, any skeletons in that closet of yours? Drug problems? Cheating scandals? Played Rolfe in The Sound of Music one too many times?

DAMON

I just wanted to experience some other management styles.

LORELAI

That's very commendable.

MICHEL

Yes. Big gold star for you.

LORELAI

Um, well, we are meeting other candidates, but you're definitely in the running. [Stands and shakes his hand.] Thank you so much for coming in, Damon.

DAMON

It was nice to meet you. [Tried to shake Michels hand.]

MICHEL

So long, farewell Auf Wiedersehen, good night. I know. I was rude.

LORELAI

And off-key. I don't care.

MICHEL

I don't like that someone else will be working here.

LORELAI

Neither do I.

MICHEL

Mini Ian Schrager is going to put velvet ropes up all over the place for Chloe Sevigny to trip over.

LORELAI

Next up, Molly Daniel.

MICHEL

Ugh, her last name's a first name. I hate that. Was I ever that young?

LORELAI

No.

MICHEL

Oh.

LORELAI

Plumber.

MICHEL

Oh, go. I'll do this. And tell him we aren't paying for the new faucets. They are vile!

LORELAI

Mkay. Hey, Ed. Can you hold on a second? Uh, Molly, Michel will start your interview.

MOLLY

Okay. Hi there.

MICHEL

You brought some Kleenex?

MOLLY

Uh, yes? Hmm.

MICHEL

I'd get 'em out now. Now, your name is, uh, Molly. Why? Huh.

LORELAI

Hello?

NUN 2

Call.

LORELAI

Excuse me, ladies, nuns, sisters. Is Whoopi Goldberg around anywhere?

LORELAI

Sorry. I noticed you're moving.

NUN 2

Mr. Porter died Thursday night. He was the last one to go, God rest his soul.

LORELAI

So what's going on with the building?

NUN 2

It's for sale.

LORELAI

Really? For sale?

NUN 2

Why do you ask? Are you looking to buy?

LORELAI

I could be. It's sure got a lot of potential.

NUN 2

Sister Beatrice, the real estate lady said not to say things like that to potential buyers.

NUN 2

I'm sorry. The place is old, but has wonderful bones and a new roof.

LORELAI

Really? But if you're interested, move fast. Katy Perry was sniffing around here earlier.

LORELAI

Well, I bet you'd rather have the ownership stay in Stars Hollow, right?

NUN 2

To be honest, if the price was right, I'd sell the place to Beelzebub himself.

LORELAI

Wow.

NUN 2

We've got a beautiful new building in Pebble Beach. The rest of the nuns are already there. The pope drove by once.

LORELAI

Okay. Well, I'll think quick.

NUN 2

Here. Take a one-sheet.

LORELAI

No. Not really.

LORELAI

[sighs] Well, thank you.

LUKE

AND LORELAI’S HOUSE

LORELAI

Hey, buddy. What are you doing? [Breathes deeply]

LORELAI

Coffee?

RORY

Ice cream?

LORELAI

Mmm-hmm. So you got my e-mail?

RORY

I did.

LORELAI

Mmm-hmm.

RORY

Thank you. I texted you.

LORELAI

I got it. And your note. Thank you.

RORY

So, you guys are finally gonna do it.

LORELAI

Finally. Opening day of the Harvest Festival.

RORY

Because there's a hot dog cart?

LORELAI

Exactly.

RORY

And will it be free hot dogs or will everyone have to buy their own?

LORELAI

I'm sorry. I'm Emily Gilmore's daughter. Open hot dog cart all night.

RORY

So it's a classy wedding.

LORELAI

[chuckles] It's going to be perfect.

RORY

Yes. It is.

LORELAI

And it's finally going to happen!

RORY

Yes. It is!

LORELAI

So [chuckles] My e-mail was lengthy and chock full of information. And all your text said was, "Got it. "

RORY

It said more than that.

LORELAI

Hardly. I need more. Details. What's been going on? What have you been doing?

RORY

Well... [Reaches for her book]

LORELAI

Term paper?

RORY

Look at it. [Lorelai picks it up.] It's the first three chapters.

LORELAI

[takes a deep breath] It feels light. You must've left my mother out.

RORY

I sat down and it just came out. Flew out. It's like this story has just been sitting in my brain for years, taking up space.

LORELAI

Like the lyrics to "My Sharona."

RORY

Exactly. It's been there, waiting for me to put it down on paper. Nothing I've written has been this easy.

LORELAI

Mmm-hmm.

RORY

And I get your feelings. I really do. So, here's the deal. I want you to read it. Just read it. After you do, if you still think it's a bad idea, if you think it's invasive, then I won't finish it. I promise. I will just throw those pages away. And that's it. No harm, no foul. Deal?

LORELAI

Rory...

RORY

I promise. No harm, no foul.

LORELAI

But you won't like me anymore.

RORY

Not true.

LORELAI

I'll be your Candy Spelling.

RORY

You won't be my Candy Spelling.

LORELAI

Okay.

RORY

Thank you. [sighs] So now, shall we discuss bridesmaid dresses?

LORELAI

Uh, yes. I'll let you pick. Priscilla Queen of the Desert or Desnudas.

RORY

Yep, I'm going to need some donuts for this.

TONI

So, Serena Am I saying that right?

SERENA

Yes.

TONI

It's not Serenna? Like "henna"?

SERENA

No. Serena.

BERNICE

That's that tennis player's name? Serena?

SERENA

Actually, my momma named me after Bewitched.

SANDRA

Well, that's a fun story.

SERENA

[chuckles]

TONI

So, Serena, first off, congratulations are in order on your brand new marriage. Renford seems like a new man since you two tied the knot.

SERENA

Thank you. I think it's the juicing.

TOONI

[chuckles] And now you want to become a member of the DAR.

SERENA

I do. I love history. It was one of my favorite subjects in school.

SANDRA

And where did you go to school?

SERENA

UC Santa Cruz. It's in California.

SANDRA

How sunny!

SERENA

But I didn't finish. I got into fitness really young. I worked at Crunch and SoulCycle for a while and Tracy Anderson's in Brentwood. And then I moved east and was a floater at Equinox. That's where I met Renford.

SANDRA

Well, my goodness. What a tale!

MARTHA

You could have a one-woman show.

ALL

[Chuckle, except Emily who gets up to go to the refreshments table.]

TONI

And you know about our little organization?

SERENA

Oh, yes. I've been to your parties.

TONI

Well, you have some very nice references.

SERENA

Rennie's friends have been welcoming.

MARTHA

And you have time to devote to the club? With all your exercising and everything?

SERENA

Oh, yes. It would be a top priority.

MARTHA

All meetings are mandatory, you know?

SERENA

Oh, yes, I know.

TONI

And proper attire is very important, too. You have gloves?

SERENA

I don't. But I'm a good shopper.

TONI

I have no doubt. [slides a napkin to Emaily] Crumbs, dear. Well, everything looks to be in order. Give us a few days to deliberate. We will get back to you. But I have to say, you're a delightful young woman, and we have so enjoyed meeting you.

EMILY

[Loudly] Bullshit!

TONI

[whispers] Emily!

EMILY

You're not getting in, honey.

TONI

[whispering] That's not your decision...

EMILY

You were never getting in. This was a courtesy meeting, because Renford is a very big deal in our circle and he's got more money than God, despite the fact that he's paying off three other wives.

MARTHA

Emily, you don't know what you're saying.

EMILY

Oh, come on. It's always the same. The trophy wife. That's you, honey. She comes in here with her big hair and her big tits, and she sits there, and we all smile and say subtly snide things about her name and her family, which she usually doesn't get. Right?

SERENA

I...

EMILY

And then we say, "It was lovely meeting you," and we send her off and we laugh, and we have tea, and we buy a rocking chair that may or may not have been Benjamin Franklin's barber's cousin's proctologist's, and we pat ourselves on the back for a job well done, and we go home and we forget all about her. It's all just a big pile of bullshit.

SANDRA

Emily, this language. Where is it coming from?

EMILY

Serena, you are wife number four. Now sometimes, if a man is very old, that's a good position to be in, because he'll be too exhausted to try and find wife number five. And maybe you can wait him out. Like Barbara Sinatra. She just waited him out. But Renford is in perfect health, and the minute he finds a new place with bottle service, you'll be right back at Tracy Anderson's, which you should've thought about before you signed that ridiculous prenup he gave you. Oh yes, we know all about that prenup. We all saw the prenup. We had tea, and we passed it around, and we laughed at it, and then we bought a very expensive precolonial douche, and patted ourselves on the back for a job well done, and then we threw out the last trophy wife's application. Pammy, I think her name was.

TONI

Serena, would you mind waiting outside for just a moment, please?

EMILY

That dress didn't help!

TONI

What the hell is going on?

EMILY

I can't do it anymore.

MARTHA

Can't do what?

EMILY

I can't spend any more time and energy on artifice and bullshit.

MARTHA

Why do you love that word so much?

EMILY

She's not getting in, is she?

TONI

Oh well, of course she's not! But this is not the way she doesn't get in. There's a system, Emily. And you know that. We meet, we say we'll discuss it, we don't, and they don't get in! And that is the way she doesn't get in.

EMILY

Well, that's just...

TONI

Don't you say "bullshit" to me one more time!

EMILY

Fine.

TONI

You know, Emily, you've been a member of this organization for many years, and you've done some wonderful work. And we know you're having a difficult time dealing with Richard's passing. Maybe you should take some time. Rest, regroup, and come back when you're ready and happy to participate again. We will be here waiting for you.

EMILY

So, basically, you're telling me I'm out.

TONI

Basically, yes. But we don't say it. You're just out. That's how it works!

EMILY

This whole thing is dead to me, anyhow. It died with Richard.

LUKE

AND LORELAI’S HOUSE

LORELAI

[shouting from the kitchen] I need you to finalize the guest list!

LUKE

I need to get back to the diner!

LORELAI

The diner is fine. I called. It doesn't miss you. It's in its underwear blasting Bob Seger.

LUKE

I don't care who comes. I told you that.

LORELAI

At least look at the list.

LUKE

I looked at the list.

LORELAI

[sighs] Now, on my side, I have everybody. The town, Rory's friends, my mother, my mother's friends. On your side all I have Caesar.

LUKE

Caesar can't come.

LORELAI

Why not?

LUKE

He has to work.

LORELAI

You're not giving him the day off for your own wedding?

LUKE

No.

LORELAI

Why not?

LUKE

Because if I do, I can't go.

LORELAI

Close Luke's.

LUKE

I don't need to close Luke's. I have employees who can keep Luke's open, that’s Cesar.

LORELAI

Luke without Caesar, all I have for you is Liz and T. J. , cousin Billy and Uncle Brago.

LUKE

What cousin Billy?

LORELAI

Your cousin Billy.

LUKE

I don't have a cousin Billy.

LORELAI

Yes you do, he's coming.

LUKE

He can't come.

LORELAI

Why not?

LUKE

I don't have a cousin Billy.

LORELAI

He already booked his flight.

LUKE

But I don't have a... Fine. Put him at Caesar's table.

LORELAI

Thank you.

MISS CELINE

Lorelai, I need to finish pinning that dress. I don't want you to lean over and have your Deanna Durbins tumble out in front of the clergy.

LORELAI

Just one minute, Miss Celine.

MISS CELINE

Lucas! You are next. And we need to make sure that suit hugs only the things that need hugging. Kirk Douglas taught me that. That and the hora.

LUKE

My suit's fine, Miss Celine.

MISS CELINE

You know, from here, you look a little like Mr. Eli Wallach. I met him on the set of Baby Doll. He was all about the method. He would say, "Don't you look at me. I've got to save my erotic energy for Carroll. Yeah, if that's what Kazan wants, that's what Kazan will get." I was very desirable back then. Ask Kazan.

LUKE

[to Lorelai] How old is this woman?

MISS CELINE

You've chosen well, Lorelai. He'll look wonderful on the Christmas card.

LORELAI

Thank you, Miss Celine.

MISS CELINE

All right now, hurry up! You're next, Eli.

LUKE

Mmm-hmm.

LORELAI

Now what about friends?

LUKE

What friends?

LORELAI

You must have friends.

LUKE

Everyone I know, you know.

LORELAI

Luke it is your big day. The biggest day of your life. You’ve officially have peaked. There is nowhere to go from here but down. Now knowing that nothing lies ahead but corns and death, is there anyone else in the entire world you would like to come to your wedding?

LUKE

Well, I guess there's one guy I could invite. An old buddy.

LORELAI

One guy! Old buddy! Great. There's a spot at table six. He can bring a date or go home with Patty. What's the name?

LUKE

Last name's Sutherland.

LORELAI

Sutherland.

LUKE

First name Kiefer.

LORELAI

Really? That's the name?

LUKE

Yup.

LORELAI

Is it spelled the same?

LUKE

As what?

LORELAI

As the real Kiefer Sutherland?

LUKE

It is the real Kiefer Sutherland.

LORELAI

No, no, I’m talking about the real Kiefer Sutherland. "Chloe, the canisters are armed! Damn it!"

LUKE

Yeah, that guy.

LORELAI

"The Russians put a bomb on a truck headed for Brooklyn Heights! Damn it!"

LUKE

Yes. Kiefer Sutherland.

LORELAI

"I've been injected with anthrax. The antidote is in my other pants!" Damn it!

LUKE

We did a baseball camp together years ago. We both stunk. We bonded. We still go fishing.

LORELAI

And it never occurred to you to mention this?

LUKE

Like, when?

LORELAI

Okay, Mom's moving to Patty's table 'cause there's no way I'm not sitting next to Kiefer Sutherland.

RORY

That's fine. Okay, three o'clock. Bye. [sighs]

RORY

I'll be back in a while.

LORELAI

Hey, he knows Kiefer Sutherland!

RORY

The real one?

LUKE

There's only one.

RORY

"I'm Federal Agent Jack Bauer. This is the longest day of my life. My wife and mistress have the same face and haircut." That one?

LORELAI

[Still exercising] Yes. "Damn it!"

RORY

You gotta bump someone off our table.

LORELAI

Way ahead of you. Hey, where every you’re going can you get some ice cream? We're out.

RORY

Got it.

LORELAI

[pants] Yo!

RORY

What?

LORELAI

Purse.

RORY

Right.

LORELAI

You okay?

RORY

Yeah. Just a busy, busy time.

LORELAI

Rocky road.

RORY

Copy that.

LUKE

What are you doing?

LORELAI

Gotta fit in the dress.

LUKE

Wedding's in three days.

LORELAI

So you see the need.

LUKE

Or you could just forgo the ice cream.

LORELAI

[laughs] Get out.

LUKE

Out. Bye.

LORELAI

[panting and grunting she sighs before slumping on the couch with Paul Anker.] Oh, you're the only one who understands me.

MISS CELINE

Deanna!

LORELAI

Coming, Miss Celine! [singssong as she climbs the stairs.] One, two, and three, and four, and five!

CHRIS

Coffee here sucks. I had to go three blocks to get this.

RORY

This is the biggest size they had, huh?

CHRIS

It's good to see you, kiddo.

RORY

Thanks for squeezing me in.

CHRIS

Oh. Always time for you.

RORY

So, new office

CHRIS

Yes, the cave.

RORY

The cave?

CHRIS

I call it the cave 'cause I caved. I'm working in the family biz.

RORY

Well it looks good on you. New suit, sitting behind that desk

CHRIS

Knife to the heart, kid. Knife to the heart.

RORY

So, how's G. G.?

CHRIS

She's turning into a full-on Parisian. Got the baguette thing down.

RORY

Send her my love?

CHRIS

I'll do that.

RORY

And how's Lana? Are you two still together?

CHRIS

Why not? And how are you?

RORY

Me? I'm five by five.

CHRIS

What?

RORY

Oh uh, sorry, it's, uh I was watching a Buffy marathon and some things stick.

CHRIS

Are you okay, kiddo?

RORY

I can't come visit my father?

CHRIS

Any time. It just seems a little formal. Like you're gonna serve me with papers or something.

RORY

Mom and Luke are getting married. Did she tell you?

CHRIS

I'm not real good at keeping up with e-mail. So, maybe.

RORY

Well, it's a town thing, and I thought you should know, but I'm kind of hoping you won't...

CHRIS

Show up? I won't. Knowing when to admit defeat is one of my better qualities. I wish her all the happiness in the world. Is she registered?

RORY

As what?

CHRIS

For gifts. I have a crazy expense account here. I can get anything. Does she have a unicorn?

RORY

Shoot! She got one yesterday.

CHRIS

I'll think of something else. So, is that what the big news is? The wedding?

RORY

I'm switching gears a little. Career-wise. The journalism thing didn't really pan out the way I hoped.

CHRIS

Sorry, kid. Do you need some money?

RORY

No.

CHRIS

You sure? 'Cause I have some. I have no idea what to do. I bought this suit and every color of Beats by Dre.

RORY

I'm writing a book.

CHRIS

A book?

RORY

I'm writing a book about me and Mom.

CHRIS

Really? Does Lorelai know?

RORY

Yes.

CHRIS

Does Lorelai care?

RORY

I'll find out.

CHRIS

Am I in this book?

RORY

Well, it would be a little hard to avoid.

CHRIS

Do I enter in a cloud of sulfur?

RORY

I haven't worked out all the logistics.

CHRIS

[chuckles] Okay, well, I I think it's great. Just try not to make me too big a villain. I was stupid, but I loved her. And you.

RORY

Can I ask you something?

CHRIS

Anything.

RORY

How did you feel about Mom raising me alone?

CHRIS

Ouch! You kind of coldcocked me there, Mr. Bernstein.

RORY

Sorry, I just have to know. How did you feel? What did you feel?

CHRIS

Look your mom did what she wanted to do. I wasn't consulted.

RORY

I know, but you let her do it.

CHRIS

I did. I... I let her do it.

RORY

So, now, all these years later, how do you feel about that?

CHRIS

It was in the cards. Lorelai and you, from the first moment I saw you two together, no one was getting between you guys. Maybe that's why she's getting married now. You're grown. Her job is done. Now she can let someone else in.

RORY

So she didn't let you in?

CHRIS

I'm not saying that.

RORY

But is that why you weren't there? Because she made the decision and she pushed you away?

CHRIS

Not at all. We were just so young. I was so young, and Lorelai was, much like yourself, she was a force of nature. Just uncontrollable. Sure about everything. I couldn't come close to competing with that, so I didn't.

RORY

But you could've fought her on it. You could've talked her out of it.

CHRIS

You ever try talking her out of anything?

RORY

But do you think it was the right decision that she raised me alone?

CHRIS

I think it was exactly what was supposed to happen. And I think she'd back me up on that.

RORY

Yeah. I think she would, too. [sighs]

CHRIS

You know I love you though, right?

RORY

I know.

CHRIS

[laptop chimes] Oh. Hold on.

RORY

You're working. I should...

CHRIS

No, I... Sorry, kiddo.

RORY

That's okay.

CHRIS

Let's meet up for dinner next week. Tell me more about this book.

RORY

Thanks for the coffee. I think the office is nice.

LORELAI

Mom! Uh, what's with the...

EMILY

Oh, my God! It's off!

LORELAI

What's off?

EMILY

The wedding. It's off. I knew it. I knew I should have bought that dress till the very last minute.

LORELAI

The wedding isn't off. Why do you think the weddings off?

EMILY

‘cause you're here.

LORELAI

I wanted to talk to you.

EMILY

About the wedding being off?

LORELAI

The wedding isn't off.

EMILY

You can tell me. I don't have a deposit to lose. I didn't tell anyone you were getting married for exactly this reason.

LORELAI

Good thinking.

EMILY

There's no one to answer to.

LORELAI

I'm glad.

EMILY

I have no skin in this game.

LORELAI

I'm getting married.

EMILY

To Luke?

LORELAI

Hey! You're selling the house.

EMILY

What? Oh. Yes.

LORELAI

Are you kidding me?

EMILY

Why? Did you want it?

LORELAI

No! God, no! No, no, no, no, no.

EMILY

So, no?

LORELAI

Sorry, but no.

EMILY

Well since you and I don't want it, I thought I'd sell it to someone who does want it. Or someone who'll pay me a lot of money to tear it down. That's fine, too. "Show me the money!" Have you seen Jerry Maguire? It was on Starz last night. It's delightful.

LORELAI

Mom, stop. Please, why don't you want this house?

EMILY

Because it isn't home anymore. It hasn't been home since your father died. And I've tried to change it, to adjust it, I've moved everything around but it hasn't worked.

LORELAI

What did you move around?

EMILY

What are you talking about?

LORELAI

Mom, it looks exactly the same.

EMILY

Oh, it does not.

LORELAI

Other than the TV over there, it's exactly the same as it was.

EMILY

Are you blind?

LORELAI

Nothing has changed in this house.

EMILY

Oh, for Pete's sake, why do you make me... [sighs] That was over there. Those pillows were upstairs. The highball glasses were on the top of the bar. There are no tongs in the ice bucket anymore. These were ferns. Now they're ficuses.

LORELAI

You're right. No tongs. Where am I?

EMILY

Lorelai, go away. I have a real estate woman coming to discuss photographing the house. I have no time to spar with you.

LORELAI

But where are you gonna live?

EMILY

Nantucket.

LORELAI

What in the hell?

EMILY

Why is everything so dramatic with you? I like Nantucket.

LORELAI

Yes but your whole world is here. Your friends, the club, the DAR.

EMILY

Those old bats!

LORELAI

What?

EMILY

People move all the time.

LORELAI

Not you. You don't move or change ever! There's a picture of you in the attic that Dorian Gray is consulting copyright lawyers about.

EMILY

Sometimes life forces your hand. So you remember the house your father and I rented every summer?

LORELAI

Of course.

EMILY

Well, I bought it.

LORELAI

[coughs]

EMILY

It wasn't even for sale. I just upped and pulled a Bugsy Siegel and made 'em an offer they couldn't refuse.

LORELAI

I think you mixed your mob metaphors, but I appreciate the attempt.

EMILY

I paid cash.

LORELAI

You and Katy Perry.

EMILY

I went online, I saw what the house across the way went for and doubled it.

LORELAI

Mum you're a terrible businessman.

EMILY

I don’t care, they said yes in five minutes and left the porch furniture.

LORELAI

[high pitched voice] Well, hooray for the bulldog.

EMILY

It was thrilling, actually. You know I've never bought anything big before. Your father bought this house and our cars. All my credit cards still say, "Mrs. Richard Gilmore." But the Sand Castle? The Sand Castle says, "Owner: Emily Gilmore."

LORELAI

Sand Castle?

EMILY

Well, the previous owners called it the Clam Shack. I guess Vagina House was taken.

LORELAI

Mmm, Sand Castle's nice.

EMILY

Now I've got my eye on that house next door. I'd like to buy it and get those Blackstone pricks out.

LORELAI

Hey what was the exact moment you became a Mamet play?

EMILY

I've started having a sherry every day in the afternoon. You can join me if you like.

LORELAI

Mom? Uh, come, come, sit.

EMILY

Why? Is there more?

LORELAI

Just sit, please.

EMILY

What do you need, Lorelai?

LORELAI

[sighs] I need to expand the Dragonfly. But I can't, because there's wetlands on one side, and crazy town ordinances and some weird lizard thing that spawns up in the north field twice a century. I'm never gonna grow the business or keep Michel unless I find another place, an annex, and I found one. It was an old folks' home, but they're no more old folks and they’re selling it.

EMILY

You need money.

LORELAI

It's just the perfect opportunity

EMILY

You need money.

LORELAI

The nuns who own it a looking to move it quickly. I know there's interest and I'm not sure I can find another loan that fast.

EMILY

So you need money.

LORELAI

Yes.

EMILY

I'll get the checkbook.

LORELAI

But, Mom, I... I wanna use Luke's franchise money. He doesn't want it. It's just not who he is. Luke likes his empire small. And I know Dad left it to him, and I wanna honor Dad's memory, but maybe this could honor it, too.

EMILY

I'll call the lawyer.

LORELAI

Really? Thank you.

EMILY

On one condition. [drops her head]

LORELAI

So close. I want you and Luke in Nantucket two weeks every summer and one week at Christmas. If all goes well, you'll be staying in the Blackstone house next door.

LORELAI

You're kidding.

EMILY

If you agree, you'll have the money by morning. If you don't, you better figure out a way to get rid of those lizards.

LORELAI

[chuckles then breathes deeply and raises her glass.] To the circle of life.

EMILY

You look very happy.

LORELAI

I am. I really am.

EMILY

Well, this is silly. We're celebrating. I'm opening the '69 Dom Perignon.

LORELAI

Mmm.

RORY

Okay. I'm moving. I have a million things I need to do today as well. Fine I'm here. What am I looking for?

LORELAI

Okay first find the spray cheese.

RORY

Got it.

LORELAI

Go down to the Red Vines.

RORY

Got it.

LORELAI

Go two over from the oatmeal and up from the anchovy paste. Find me some white safety pins.

RORY

What on Earth would white safety pins be doing next to the... Got 'em.

LORELAI

And grab a stain stick. I'm picking up my dress. And I'll meet you at the Inn in a hour.

RORY

I'll see you then. [She turns around and bumps into Dean.]

DEAN

Oh!

RORY

Oh, sorry.

DEAN

Hey!

RORY

Well, well, well, of all the gin joints in all the world.

DEAN

Hey.

RORY

It's so good to see you.

DEAN

Ah you, too.

RORY

What are you doing in Stars Hollow?

DEAN

I'm just visiting my parents for the weekend.

RORY

That's nice.

DEAN

It's very nice. Especially since Grady brought home the flu and head lice from his first day at school.

RORY

Oh, man.

DEAN

Yeah within 24 hours, all three kids had everything. It's ugly, man. Jenny told me to save myself while I could.

RORY

She's a saint.

DEAN

She's pregnant.

RORY

Again?

DEAN

It's really boring in Scranton.

RORY

Man, your house is gonna be loud.

DEAN

I know.

RORY

That's so great.

DEAN

I know.

RORY

Congrats.

DEAN

And it's a girl, so my sister finally has someone to shop for.

RORY

So how is Clara?

DEAN

She's in Berlin with a guy named Wolfgang.

RORY

Van Halen?

DEAN

I wish. He's from Buffalo. He climbs things for a living.

RORY

Climbs things like big piles of money?

DEAN

Nope. Like bridges, municipal buildings. They stacked up tires for the monster truck rally, and he climbed them dressed as an ignition switch.

RORY

I don't know how to defend that.

DEAN

And he calls her Ra. That's the great nickname he came up with.

RORY

You hate him.

DEAN

I hate him.

RORY

[laughs] Well, it's okay. She's young. It's her first love. It'll probably...

DEAN

Yeah, I know. Um

RORY

Well...

DEAN

How're you doing?

RORY

Um me? I'm doing okay.

DEAN

Just okay?

RORY

Well things are changing for me at the moment. And I'm still trying to figure it out. I'm writing a book.

DEAN

Oh you've read 'em all, so what else are you gonna do?

RORY

Mmm-hmm. Uh, it's actually about my mom and me and our life.

DEAN

Really?

RORY

Can I put you in it?

DEAN

Uh...

RORY

I mean, I'm changing the names to protect the guilty, but still you would know it's you.

DEAN

I don't know. Um what're you gonna say?

RORY

That you were the greatest boyfriend alive. That you were, um... generous, and protective, and kind and strong. That as much as I wish we'd met when I was older and more mature, I know if I hadn't when I did, I wouldn't be the person I am today. That you taught me what safe feels like.

DEAN

Okay.

RORY

And that you had an obsession with Lord of the Rings, that you did a terrible Smeagol impression.

DEAN

It was not terrible. It was pretty damn good. There were hand gestures.

RORY

I know, I remember. I remember it all really well.

DEAN

Good luck with the book.

RORY

Thank you. [Dean walks to the front door. Rory calls for him.] Dean! Cornstarch.

DEAN

[chuckles] Pay for it this time.

LORELAI

Michel? Oh. Hey, I'm gonna raid the kitchen. Give me a shout when Rory gets here?

MICHEL

Mmm-hmm, I live for moments like these.

LORELAI

Sookie. Sookie? Sookie?

LORELAI

Oh, jeez!

SOOKIE

Oh... wow, that was pornographic. Hey, give a gal some warning.

LORELAI

What are you talking about? I've been calling your name.

SOOKIE

When?

LORELAI

Now.

SOOKIE

No.

LORELAI

Yes.

SOOKIE

Well, my hearing's not so good right now. I set off one of Jackson's bear traps the other night, and the alarm went off right in my ear.

LORELAI

His what?

SOOKIE

Bear trap, yeah. He's reading Little House in the Big Woods to Martha. He got to the part where Ma goes to check on...

LORELAI

The horses. Because she thought that the cow...

SOOKIE

Had gotten out...

LORELAI

But it's not. She smacks him on the nose,

SOOKIE

But it's a bear.

LORELAI

It's a bear.

SOOKIE

It's a bear!

LORELAI

[chuckles]

SOOKIE

So, now, you know, Jackson thinks that everything outside is a bear, and he's rigged the entire property with bear traps that blast "Welcome To The Jungle" if you trip them off, and I'm out chasing Cogburn, our rooster, and then voila! You know, Panama all over again. It was so loud that the neighboring farm heard it. They call the police. I had to wait till I got out of jail to tell Jackson, "You gotta get rid of this stuff."

LORELAI

Jail?

SOOKIE

The cops thought that I had broken into our house.

LORELAI

Why?

SOOKIE

Well, when they asked me if I had broken into it, I said yes.

LORELAI

Why did you do that?

SOOKIE

I thought they said, "Do you have pineapple juice?" and I did. Ah. So what do you think?

LORELAI

Sookie what is all this?

SOOKIE

This is your wedding cake. Or this is your wedding cake.

LORELAI

Ah!

SOOKIE

Or or this is your wedding cake. This was going to be your wedding cake, but then this became your wedding cake. I couldn't decide. But, I mean, this is your Luke wedding. So, I just, I really wanted it to say Luke Oh, look. This one actually says "Luke."

LORELAI

[laughs] Amazing.

SOOKIE

And this one has hats on it, if you like that. This one has daisies. This one has cakes on top of the cake. I mean, this one if you want a classic, or but this one is my favorite. This is your milestone cake. Look, there's you and baby Rory made out of frosting.

LORELAI

Just like in real life.

SOOKIE

[chuckles] There's your house and Jeep, and that's the hospital with the emergency room where you took me the day we met.

LORELAI

Oh, my God, is that...

SOOKIE

My finger tip.

LORELAI

Aw!

SOOKIE

Remember you just scooped it up off the floor and threw it in your purse.

LORELAI

That was a brand new purse, FYI.

SOOKIE

And you got me to the hospital and the doctor sewed it right back on.

LORELAI

And you cut it right off again two days later.

SOOKIE

It kind of became our thing.

LORELAI

Yeah. Michel, look who's here!

MICHEL

You bitch!

SOOKIE

Oh, he hasn't changed at all.

MICHEL

Two years? Two years before you deign to waltz back in here.

SOOKIE

I don't think I waltzed

MICHEL

No! I talk now! You should be ashamed of yourself. Forget what you've done to this hot mess.

LORELAI

Thanks, Michel.

MICHEL

Turning her into a sighing, moping, broken shell of a person who refuses to let anyone park in your space even though it is right next to the back door and other people's aren't.

SOOKIE

I don't think...

MICHEL

Not done! And when you left on your amazing journey upstate, you took your fat-free magic granola with you...

SOOKIE

I... brought a vat of it. It's in the back.

MICHEL

Oh, really? Oh, it's so nice to see you. Send my love to Jackson and the kids. Is it right here? Right...

LORELAI

Michel is exaggerating. I'm not broken. Maybe just a little chipped.

SOOKIE

I'm sorry.

LORELAI

For what?

SOOKIE

'Cause we were supposed to do this together.

LORELAI

We did do this together. Look around.

SOOKIE

It's a pretty great inn.

LORELAI

It sure is.

SOOKIE

I miss it. I mean, I love... I love what I'm doing. You know, it's fascinating. Did you know that I can tell the alkaline levels of soil just by tasting it?

LORELAI

I did not.

SOOKIE

There are moments where I'm looking around and just watching a bunch of people eat dirt and I think... "Jonestown definitely started like this."

LORELAI

[chuckling] Well, if they start passing around Kool-Aid, you can always come back.

SOOKIE

Still best friends?

LORELAI

Still best friends.

SOOKIE

[sniffs] What's that?

LORELAI

What's what?

SOOKIE

[Sniffing Lorelai’s hair.] What is... What is that? Is that... There's a smell. Is that abalone?

LORELAI

Uh, maybe.

SOOKIE

Oh, I can't believe you let Roy Choi in my kitchen, And what what is that? That's Ina Garten.

LORELAI

No!

SOOKIE

No? Is that not lime tequila chicken? Huh? I've been gone like five minutes.

LORELAI

Two years.

SOOKIE

Whatever! I mean, now I'm... [sniffing] Now I...

LORELAI

What?

SOOKIE

[sniffing the sink.] That's sammies! Huh?

LORELAI

Uh...

SOOKIE

Sammies all around!

SOOKIE

If Rachael Ray reorganized my pantry, I'm gonna blow.

MICHEL

Hey! Knock first!

SOOKIE

You're eating my granola with your hands?

MICHEL

There are no spoons in here.

SOOKIE

The granola's half gone!

MICHEL

Stop judging me, you crazy log lady!

SOOKIE

Slow down! You're gonna choke!

MICHEL

Give it back! This is mine

SOOKIE

No!

MICHEL

Ow!

EMILY

Hello, Alejandro. Berta, what are you doing out of bed? [still coughing] You go to bed right now. I'll heat some soup.

BERTA

[in her language] Oh, no. Every time you heat soup it boils over and I can't get it off the stove.

EMILY

I won't hear any more arguing. Go back to bed. Go on. Go, go , go, go.

BERTA

[in her language] Okay. It's your stove. How a grown woman goes through life without being able to heat something up is incredible.

EMILY

Hello? Yes, Sidney. I'm on my way. I just need to heat up some soup, and then I'm out the door. See you soon.

EMILY

He plunges his barbed harpoon into the whale's back. And then with the killing irons, they stab the great beast repeatedly in the neck, to stop it diving and make it bleed to death all the faster. They then cut the tail tendons, immobilizing the whale. Later in history, they'll invent an explosive lance that combines the stabbing of the lance with an explosive that detonates once inside the whale. But at this point, it's just lots and lots of stabbing. [Some in the tour group are not loving it.] Well, by now, the whale is spouting buckets and buckets and buckets of blood. I'll give you all a moment.

LUKE

AND LORELAI’S HOUSE

JESS

Wow, where's Right Said Fred when you need 'em?

LUKE

Guy who sold me this suit put this thing in the box. I don't know what the hell to do with it.

JESS

It's a pocket square. Do the math.

LUKE

Oh. Oh, it looks kind of nice. So this is the big outfit for tomorrow. Get it all out now.

JESS

Turn around.

LUKE

Jess

JESS

Turn.

LUKE

Well?

JESS

You are a very handsome man.

LUKE

All right.

JESS

I mean, very hot.

LUKE

I got it.

JESS

Rande Gerber hot.

LUKE

Enough, Jess.

JESS

Hey. You look good.

LUKE

Yeah?

JESS

I only do sincere once, man.

LUKE

Right, thanks.

KIRK

Luke! Everything's under control!

LUKE

What happened to knocking?

JESS

Yeah what if we were naked?

LUKE

Don't say that.

KIRK

Everything's under control.

LUKE

Where're you going?

KIRK

To throw up.

LUKE

There's a bathroom down here.

KIRK

I wanna throw up upstairs.

LUKE

I don't want you throwing up in either bathroom.

KIRK

But the tile downstairs kills my knees.

JESS

He's got a point.

KIRK

I've thrown up in both, so I know what I'm talking about.

LUKE

Kirk, what the hell is going on?

KIRK

I've destroyed your wedding. Sorry.

LUKE

Destroyed? How?

KIRK

The decorations in the town square. Lorelai said to piggyback on the Harvest Festival, with the hay bales and food carts, and I was only supposed to set up a table for gifts and leave, and I intended to. I really did.

LUKE

But?

KIRK

But I was taking Petal for a walk. And she took longer than usual to pick her spot.

LUKE

Sure.

KIRK

And I was looking around and I got an idea! I never get ideas! But I had one. And the next thing I knew, I bought a glitter gun and some double stick tape, and two hours later, it's all different! Totally different. I ruined your big day.

LUKE

Kirk, you have got to relax.

KIRK

I wish Petal was here with me. She's a great source of comfort in times of stress. Plus, if I vomit and miss the toilet, she's there to make it disappear, if you know what I mean.

LUKE

Stop talking. [Lorelai wanders in eating Pop-Tarts.] What the hell are you doing here?

LORELAI

I live here. You look hot.

JESS

Rande Gerber hot.

LORELAI

Yeah.

LUKE

Your should be at the inn.

LORELAI

I was. They don't have Pop-Tarts.

LUKE

Get out of here.

LORELAI

Why?

LUKE

The wedding's tomorrow. I’m not supposed to see you. It's bad luck.

LORELAI

Oh, are we doing that?

RORY

What's the hoopla?

LUKE

Why is she here?

RORY

She lives here?

LORELAI

I tried that.

JESS

You shouldn't see the bride before the wedding.

RORY

Oh are we doing that?

LUKE

Yes, we are doing that. Did the discussion regarding how this day was going to work go out of your head?

RORY

Yeah.

LORELAI

Kinda. What's with Kirk?

LUKE

He freaked out and decided to vomit in our upstairs bathroom.

LORELAI

Yeah the downstairs is hard on his knees. Tart?

RORY

Please.

LUKE

You can't be here. It's bad luck. Why am I the only one who gets this?

LORELAI

Okay, we'll go. Wow we're not even married and the honeymoon's already so over.

KIRK

Thank you for not telling her that her special day has been ruined.

LUKE

No problem.

LORELAI

[From the kitchen] Okay we're leaving! Bye-bye.

LUKE

You guys just pretended to leave and you're sitting there eating, right?

BOTH

[From the kitchen] No.

RORY

I never pegged Luke as being a traditionalist.

LORELAI

I know. There's more to learn about that man yet. [Smiling] Ooh.

RORY

What?

LORELAI

Here. [Hands Rory the first chapters form her book.]

RORY

You read it.

LORELAI

No, I didn't.

RORY

You...

LORELAI

I'm not gonna read it. You go ahead and finish it. I'll read it when it's done.

RORY

Are you sure?

LORELAI

If I don't like it, I'll sue your ass.

RORY

Wow. [chuckles] It's it's good publicity. Sue me either way?

LORELAI

You got it.

RORY

Thanks, Mom.

LORELAI

Yeah. [Lorelai get up and starts towards the living room.] Oh just one note. Drop the "the." Just Gilmore Girls. It's cleaner.

RORY

[to herself] Gilmore Girls.

LORELAI

Hey we're gonna order a pizza. Any requests?

LUKE

Go away!

LORELAI

With extra cheese?

JESS

Hey, listen, you guys have a full house here, so I'm just gonna take off.

LORELAI

oh no, you don't have to.

JESS

It's no problem. I'll go crash with Liz and T. J. See you guys tomorrow.

KIRK

[still on the couch, he groans]

LUKE

Liz got a bed there for you?

JESS

No bed, but a lot of couches. Not sure why. Be back at 10:00?

RORY

[coming outside.] Jess Jess, look. The first three chapters! [joyful scream she returns inside.]

LUKE

What was that all about?

JESS

Oh just a thing between us.

LUKE

Between you?

JESS

A work thing between us.

LUKE

Work thing, huh? So then you're over that, right?

JESS

Yup, long over.

LUKE

Okay, I'll see you tomorrow.

JESS

Can't wait to see if you're gonna wear that pocket square again.

LORELAI

Last piece.

LUKE

Please.

LORELAI

Come on! We're gonna be married in 10 hours. This is what married people do.

LUKE

Force-feed each other like veal?

LORELAI

Yes, I look at you, I see veal.

LUKE

Take it.

LORELAI

All right, fine. If we're ever stuck on the Donner Pass and get stuck in the snow and have to eat our chuck wagon driver, I would give you the first bite, 'cause we are married now.

LUKE

Almost married.

LORELAI

Almost married. I feel weird.

LUKE

I know.

LORELAI

Should we drink?

LUKE

Yes. No. I don't know. [stammers] What if we smell all boozy?

LORELAI

Well, we'll shower.

LUKE

I know but it comes out your pores and people can tell.

LORELAI

How much do you think we’re gonna drink? We're not vaudevillians.

LUKE

I know. I'm just jittery.

LORELAI

Second thoughts?

LUKE

No, you?

LORELAI

No, no, no, no, no. I just... I have things planned.

LUKE

I know.

LORELAI

[gasps] You do? How do you know?

LUKE

I just figured. I do, too.

LORELAI

You have things planned?

LUKE

Yep.

LORELAI

What? No creepy vows. We promised, no creepy vows.

LUKE

I'm not planning creepy vows.

LORELAI

"Do you take her? Do you take him?" "Yes." "Yes." And bam! Step on the glass. Let's eat.

LUKE

You step on a glass?

LORELAI

Don't we have to?

LUKE

We're not Jewish.

LORELAI

Aren't we?

LUKE

What do you have planned?

LORELAI

Flash mob.

LUKE

You're kidding! Been rehearsing Miss Patty's girls all week. They wear T-shirts with your face on them. Its awful and you're gonna hate it.

LUKE

[chuckling] What song?

LORELAI

"Relax, Don't Do It." Frankie Goes to Hollywood.

LUKE

I'm doing a flash mob, too.

LORELAI

Shut up! What song?

LUKE

"Hey, Nineteen."

LORELAI

"Hey, Nineteen"?

LUKE

Steely Dan.

LORELAI

You're doing a flash mob to Steely Dan?

LUKE

I like Steely Dan.

LORELAI

You can't do a flash mob to Steely Dan.

LUKE

Why not?

LORELAI

Well, it's old boring man music.

LUKE

It's not old boring man music.

LORELAI

What does your flash mob do? Jump out, lose their hair, complain about their backs and doze off?

LUKE

Hey, my flash mob, my song pick.

LORELAI

Fine.

LUKE

I went to a rehearsal. It was awful.

LORELAI

'Cause you can't flash mob to Steely Dan.

LUKE

Lot of pressure this wedding. All those people staring at us.

LORELAI

Waiting to be entertained, which they won't, 'cause Steely Dan.

LUKE

You're exhausting.

LORELAI

I feel like we should be married already.

LUKE

Yes.

LORELAI

Right?

LUKE

Tomorrow's this big stress-filled party that everybody can enjoy but us.

LORELAI

Mmm. It'll be fine once we say "I do."

LUKE

We should've eloped. And then we could've had the big dance-off wedding. Then the pressure's off.

LORELAI

Agreed. Steely Dan still would've sucked. [Lorelai grins]

LUKE

What?

LORELAI

It's bingo night.

LUKE

So?

LORELAI

Reverend Skinner's up awfully late on bingo night.

LORELAI

[whispering] Hey, kid. Wake up.

RORY

More pizza?

LORELAI

No. Come on.

RORY

Where are we going?

LORELAI

We're going to get married.

RORY

Now?

LORELAI

Now.

RORY

What about tomorrow?

LORELAI

We'll get married then, too. [Luke comes over.] What about him?

LUKE

[whispering] Oh, let the boy sleep.

LUKE

AND LORELAI’S HOUSE

RORY

Steely Dan?

LORELAI

I know.

RORY

Who flash mobs to Steely Dan?

LORELAI

Luke.

RORY

Luke.

LORELAI

It's fine. I texted Patty. She'll switch it to "Karma Chameleon. "

RORY

Without telling him?

LORELAI

Yeah.

RORY

Oh, man. That's going to be good.

LORELAI

Yep.

RORY

Aren't you curious what a Steely Dan flash mob would look like?

LORELAI

No.

RORY

Me either. So, how does it feel?

LORELAI

It feels... right. [chuckles]

RORY

Yeah.

LORELAI

Such a long time getting here. Sometimes it's just a journey, you know?

RORY

Yeah. I guess so.

LORELAI

I think I'm gonna be very good at this.

RORY

At being married?

LORELAI

No, at finishing off this bottle.

RORY

Oh, no doubt in my mind.

LORELAI

Now that I'm a married lady, maybe you should be one, too. You are of age. Then we could do married-lady things together.

RORY

What are married-lady things?

LORELAI

I don't know, like, uh dyeing our hair blue or buying pork chops. Bowling? I'm out. I don't know.

RORY

I thought I'd be the spinster daughter who stays home and looks after Mama.

LORELAI

No, I've got Kirk for that. Let me see. Who can we marry you off to?

RORY

[chuckles]

LORELAI

Ooh, I know! Did that nice Pee-wee Herman find a lady?

RORY

I think no's a pretty safe bet.

LORELAI

You wanted to marry him when you were little.

RORY

I also wanted to marry Edward Scissorhands and Jerry Orbach from Law & Order.

LORELAI

Your taste ran the gamut.

RORY

"Rory, due to our ever-conflicting schedules, I think we should break up. Take care, Paul."

LORELAI

Who?

RORY

I can't believe how I treated him. I suck.

LORELAI

No, you don't. It didn't fit. It needs to fit. Believe me. He'll find someone amazing one day.

RORY

Yeah.

LORELAI

And so will you. [moment of silence] Hey. What's going on in there?

RORY

I wanna remember it all. Every detail. Mom.

LORELAI

Yeah?

RORY

I'm pregnant.