Revival E3: “Summer”

LORELAI

I get that they want to be cool.

RORY

It's human nature.

LORELAI

But to get to the pool, they have to walk in the hot sun.

RORY

It makes them hotter.

LORELAI

It makes no sense.

RORY

It's a giant cascading debacle.

LORELAI

Belly alert.

RORY

Holy moly.

LORELAI

If the point of the activity is to cool off by being in water...

RORY

I like where you're going.

LORELAI

Then why don’t they just stay home?

RORY

And take a bath.

LORELAI

Right?

RORY

Eh, the logic's impeccable.

LORELAI

Oh, my God.

RORY

Just go naked.

LORELAI

Plus, bath water doesn't contain all those chemicals. The chlorine, the algaecides.

RORY

And the bodily fluids that shall remain nameless.

LORELAI

Kid pee.

RORY

I just said they'd remain nameless.

LORELAI

Gallons of kid pee being pumped into this pool as we speak.

RORY

That why they shouldn't have a drinking fountain.

LORELAI

All that liquid ends up somewhere.

RORY

People don't think.

LORELAI

Uh-oh. Oh, my God.

RORY

What? It's Pat.

RORY

All clear.

LORELAI

This place is a minefield.

ANDREW

Hi guys.

LORELAI

Ah!

RORY

It's okay. It's Andrew, and he's got a shirt on.

LORELAI

Oh, thank God.

ANDREW

Welcome back, Rory.

RORY

Oh, I'm not back. I'm just here temporarily.

ANDREW

That's not what I heard.

RORY

Well it's true.

ANDREW

At the bookstore yesterday, all anyone talks about is how you're back.

RORY

Well, I'm not back.

ANDREW

Okay.

RORY

Spread the word.

LANE

Hey, guys, did you hear? Somebody vandalized the floaty hut.

LORELAI

Oh, no.

ZACH

Hinges are bent, lock's jammed, and the kids are having a fit 'cause they can't get their floaties. Welcome back, by the way.

RORY

Yeah, I'm not back.

ZACH

You look back.

LORELAI

Luke donated the money for that hut. He's gonna be upset.

LANE

Forget Luke. Steve and Kwan are going postal.

ZACH

And there's two of 'em. When they get mad, they're like five little Korean people. They focus all their Korean vitriol on Lane and me.

RORY

Where are they now?

LANE

There at the drinking fountain. They're going back in the pool.

LORELAI

Yup. Figures.

ZACH

If you see something inflatable, shout it out.

ZACH

[To Lane as they walk away.] She looks back to me.

LANE

Well, she's not back.

RORY

[Scoffs] It is hot!

LORELAI

[Sighs] I don't know why we come here.

MAN

Welcome back, Rory.

RORY

I'm not back.

WOMAN 1

Welcome back, Rory.

RORY

I'm not back.

WOMAN 2

Good to have Rory back.

WOMAN 3

I know.

LUKE

AND LORELAI’S KITCHEN

APRIL

It made sense. I was leaning towards chem. I just love chem labs.

RORY

Me, too.

APRIL

Beakers, clamps. Test-tubes, Bunsen burners. But I love philosophy, too. Metaphysics? Can't get enough.

LORELAI

I once got in trouble for cheating on a metaphysics exam. I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

APRIL

You took metaphysics?

LORELAI

No, that was Woody Allen.

APRIL

Woody Allen took metaphysics?

RORY

It's from Annie Hall.

APRIL

I only watch German silent films.

LORELAI

Oh, boy, remember that phase.

LUKE

When did you punch a hole in your nose?

APRIL

Ah read the Constitution. I'm 22. I get to adorn my body as I see fit.

LUKE

You're right. You're 22. Punch all the holes you want.

LORELAI

Are you gonna join us?

LUKE

When I can.

APRIL

I took some great linguistic courses. I mean, it's MIT. Noam Chomsky walks the halls. I met him. Chatted with him, laughed with him. He's my idol.

LORELAI

Well, to Noam is to love him. Uh, is this thing on? [Chuckles] Ooh.

LUKE

Why are you getting up?

LORELAI

I was just gonna get some extra cheese.

LUKE

I'll get it.

LORELAI

I'll get it.

LUKE

I'm up.

RORY

So what are you doing this summer before graduate school?

APRIL

Well first, I'm gonna do some traveling with friends. We're canvassing a few states for pot legalization.

LUKE

For what?

APRIL

It's about civil liberties. It happens to be about pot.

LORELAI

You made it sound way less fun.

LUKE

Do you smoke pot?

APRIL

No.

RORY

What are we watching?

LORELAI

Uh, The Returned.

RORY

The French Returned?

LORELAI

[Speaking French.] Blah!

LUKE

I don't know how long I'll last.

LORELAI

Oh, come on. Take some NoDoz, drink some coffee. We've got to break this tragic pattern.

RORY

What pattern?

LORELAI

Ugh. We get through one episode, then half of another, then he gets tired and falls asleep.

LUKE

I'm up at 5:00.

LORELAI

Then, he won't watch again till a week later. At which point, he's not only forgotten the first half of the abandoned episode, he’s forgot the one before that entirely. Then we have to start all over again.

RORY

That puts you in binge-watching jail, Luke.

LUKE

I'll get a lawyer. April, go to law school.

APRIL

Lawyers are fascists.

LORELAI

Do you remember the first episode we watched?

LUKE

It's a bunch of French people in a small town.

LORELAI

And some of them are dead.

LUKE

Really?

LORELAI

Oh, my God.

APRIL

Wow. Like a time machine. Is it weird to be back?

RORY

I'm not back.

APRIL

You're not?

RORY

Uh, no. I mean, I'm I'm here now, but Never mind. [April shuts the door and sits next to Rory.] Oh, hi again.

APRIL

So, I totally smoke pot.

RORY

I figured.

APRIL

Don't tell my dad.

RORY

I don't think he'd mind. Just don't operate a forklift after.

APRIL

Right. A forklift. You have an excellent sense of humor.

RORY

Thank you.

APRIL

I don't have a great sense of humor. I know that. I'm working on it. I bought a joke book.

RORY

I think that's good.

APRIL

It's hard to have a sense of humor in college these days. [Breathing Heavily]

RORY

April?

APRIL

I never met Noam Chomsky. I made it up.

RORY

Oh.

APRIL

I've only smoked pot once. I ate so much cheese after.

RORY

That's okay.

APRIL

[Breathing Heavily] I'm still kind of searching.

RORY

Nothing wrong with searching.

APRIL

I think I'm having an anxiety attack.

RORY

Can I get you something? Water?

APRIL

It's just very weird here.

RORY

What do you mean?

APRIL

Looking around. Seeing you back in your childhood room.

RORY

I am not back.

APRIL

Oh, it's like a postcard from the real world.

RORY

Maybe we should join Mom and Luke?

APRIL

My nose ring hurts.

LORELAI

[From the living room.] Hey, get in here!

RORY

In a minute!

APRIL

Oh, my God. "To Noam is to love him. " I just got that.

LORELAI

[Chuckles] April's having a little freak out.

LUKE

What? April!

LORELAI

No, it's okay. Rory's got it.

LUKE

She looks so grown up, but she is still a kid.

LORELAI

She wants Rory to take her nose ring out.

LUKE

I'll take it out. I hate that thing. She wants to go to Germany this summer. Did I tell you?

LORELAI

She does like German cinema.

LUKE

She's staying with some exchange students she met.

LORELAI

Hmm.

LORELAI

So where would the money for Germany come from?

LUKE

Me.

LORELAI

Really?

LUKE

Where else?

LORELAI

She could get a job.

LUKE

I could swing it.

LORELAI

You sure?

LUKE

Yeah.

LORELAI

She only got a partial scholarship. You had to make up the difference. Now, if she's going to grad school, I mean maybe I could chip in a little...

LUKE

I got it.

LORELAI

[Inhales sharply] Okay.

LUKE

April's mine. I got it.

LORELAI

All right. You got it. [Cell phone vibrates] [Clears throat, chuckles] Rory's showing her the stress tap dancing videos.

RORY

God bless that girl.

LUKE

AND LORELAI’S HOUSE

LOGAN

Ace, hi.

RORY

I wake you up?

LOGAN

I wish. I've been on the phone with the company rep in China. I couldn't get the guy to talk slower. The time zones are killing me.

RORY

Mm-hmm.

LOGAN

Why can't it be the same time everywhere? Time zones suck.

RORY

Yeah, they do. They do suck.

LOGAN

You okay?

RORY

I'm fine [Sighs] I guess. I don't know. I'm in a weird mood actually.

LOGAN

Anything I can help with?

RORY

No. [Chuckles] Yes. Uh Hey, I know I'm coming out in a couple weeks, but...

LOGAN

Oh, come on, don't cancel on me now. I've got Matilda tickets, planned pony rides, there's a freak show in town.

RORY

No, not cancelling. I just thought well I'm not really doing much of anything these days, and I'm a little bored, and I thought maybe I'd come out sooner. Like tomorrow.

LOGAN

Oh.

RORY

Is that okay?

LOGAN

Uh, sure. Yes, let's do it this week. We'll make it special. Your favorite place, The Dorchester or the Savoy.

RORY

I'd have to stay in a hotel?

LOGAN

Well.

RORY

She's in town?

LOGAN

Yes.

RORY

For how long? [Takes deep breath.] She's moved in?

LOGAN

[Sighs] Yes.

RORY

When?

LOGAN

Couple of weeks ago.

RORY

Okay. Were you gonna tell me?

LOGAN

Of course I was.

RORY

So now you want me to just wait in a hotel until you can slip away and come see me?

LOGAN

No.

RORY

Like I'm a geisha?

LOGAN

Come on, that's not fair.

RORY

I know. I knew about Odette. I just... Like a hotel It's just weird.

LOGAN

It doesn't have to be. Look, can't we just keep the plans the same? Come out in three weeks, and we will figure it all out then. Please? Rory?

RORY

Okay. Yeah, a few weeks.

LOGAN

I'm looking forward to it.

RORY

Yeah. Me, too.

LORELAI

[Gasps] Oh, my God. Feel that.

LUKE

Feel what?

LORELAI

It's not sweltering.

GYPSY

Isn’t it great, they finally got air-conditioning. Now we don't have to sweat like pigs anymore.

LORELAI

Except Kirk's pig.

GYPSY

Hey, kiddo. I forgot to say welcome back.

RORY

I'm not back.

BOOTSY

Welcome back. Always knew you'd be back.

RORY

You were wrong, Bootsy, because I'm not back.

BOOTSY

You look back to me.

SOPHIE

Welcome back, Rory.

RORY

Really compare notes, people. Please.

BABETTE

Are you digging this air? First summer my pits aren't sticking like duct tape.

RORY

It's fantastic.

BABETTE

Hey doll you know about the Thirtysomething Gang? Yeah.

RORY

No, what's that?

BABETTE

It's a group of kids, all about your age. They've been to college, then out in the real world, and it spit 'em out like a piece of gum. And now they're all back in their old rooms, like you.

RORY

I'm not back.

BABETTE

And they all hang out together. That's them there. [Babette points them out and they wave.] So dig out your shoes and ball, 'cause tomorrow you're all goin' bowlin'.

RORY

I don't have a ball or shoes. Did you know about the Thirtysomething Gang?

LORELAI

Yeah, everyone does. Hey, guys!

RORY

Don't encourage this.

TAYLOR

All right, everyone, settle in, please. Hope you're all enjoying the nice, cool air in here. And I hope you'll enjoy the announcement I get to make tonight.

TOM

Sounds exciting.

BABETTE

Hit us with it, Taylor.

TAYLOR

Ladies and gentlemen, Stars Hollow is going to...

LORELAI

What the hell is that?

LUKE

What?

LORELAI

The hell is that?

LUKE

I don't know what you're saying!

BABETTE

It's the air conditioner!

LUKE

That, I heard.

RORY

It feels like an earthquake!

LORELAI

Strawberry shortcake?

RORY

What?

LORELAI

You said something about strawberry shortcake?

LUKE

Taylor, shut it off!

LORELAI

Now I'm hungry for strawberry shortcake!

TAYLOR

I can't! It turns on and off by itself!

BABETTE

This is gonna freak out the Thirtysomething Gang! They're very sensitive!

LUKE

[Sarcastically] Might need a little adjustment.

TAYLOR

Back to my announcement, people. But first, a little backstory. Our summer tourist numbers are down. Even at the pool, revenues are off, which I attribute to the recent criminal activity involving the floaty hut.

LUKE

The floaty hut! What happened to my floaty hut?

LORELAI

I thought you didn't want people to know you donated it.

LUKE

I don't, but it's my floaty hut.

TAYLOR

Our Lazy Hazy Crazy Days of Summer event is coming up, and that'll help, but we thought a supersized event would generate fresh enthusiasm for tourists to visit. Therefore, I am pleased to announce Stars Hollow: The Musical!

SOPHIE

I love that!

BABETTE

Sounds fun.

TAYLOR

This will be an enchanting musical history of Stars Hollow. Book and lyrics by, uh, yours truly. Music by a very talented young composer. He once lived in Brooklyn. [Crowd Murmuring] Nat Compton. That's Nat sitting at the end of the first row. He'll be directing, as well. Let's give him a nice hand.

RORY

Whoa, give him a crystal sword, he's a White Walker.

TAYLOR

Our biggest hurdle will be finding our leading lady. She's got to be a great singer, a terrific actress, a nimble dancer, a dexterous whittler.

ANDREW

She has to whittle?

TAYLOR

Or fake it.

SOPHIE

How do you fake whittling?

BOOTSY

Yeah, they'd see there's no shavings coming off the wood. Come on, Taylor, production values matter.

TAYLOR

Now, what I need from you tonight are volunteers for the musical's advisory committee. You'll come to a couple of the shows, and give us any ideas that will help make it all that it can be. Who's in?

LORELAI

It sounds fun.

RORY

What does?

LORELAI

The advisory committee. I'm gonna volunteer for it.

LUKE

You think you got the time?

LORELAI

8:30.

RORY

I think he asked you if you have the time!

LORELAI

I gave it to him!

RORY

For the committee!

LORELAI

I'll make time.

BABETTE

I'm gonna sign up, too!

LUKE

Babette, please, warn us!

LORELAI

I think it sounds fun.

RORY

It sounds really fun.

BABETTE

I just hope the show is as successful as Taylor needs it to be!

LUKE

Once again, warn us.

BABETTE

It's really got to pack 'em in!

LORELAI

You know if Taylor really wanted to pack 'em in, he should get up on that stage and dance around in his floppy Taylor underpants.

LORELAI

[Quick pause] Was so out of context.

TAYLOR

So, who's up for being on the advisory committee?

LORELAI

Me.

TOM

Me, too.

SOPHIE

I'll do it.

TAYLOR

So, uh, Lorelai, Tom and Sophie.

BABETTE

I'm there, Taylor.

GYPSY

I can make it work.

DONALD

Me, too.

TAYLOR

Well, I'm loving the community spirit here. Um, schedules to be announced. Uh, now, our last issue, people. This unfortunately is less pleasant.

LUKE

So, we're back to the floaty hut?

BOOTSY

Who gives a crap about the floaty hut?

LUKE

I don't. I'm just curious.

BOOTSY

If you're so curious, why don't you marry it?

TAYLOR

After 89 years of continual operation, the Stars Hollow Gazette is shutting down.

RORY

Are you kidding?

GYPSY

I'm gonna miss the coupons.

BOOTSY

I'm gonna miss the poem on the front.

SOPHIE

Yeah, the seasonal poem.

RORY

Why is it shutting down, Taylor? Money?

TAYLOR

No, No, it was still operating in the black. But the paper's editor, Bernie Roundbottom.

LORELAI

[Chuckling] Come on.

TAYLOR

Bernie retired as editor, and there's no one qualified to take his place.

ANDREW

Oh, well.

DONALD

It had a good run.

SOPHIE

Eighty-nine years, not bad.

RORY

Really? Am I the only one who's in shock over this news?

TAYLOR

Well, I had discussed the possibility of the Gazette shutting down at an earlier meeting, before you were back.

RORY

I'm not back.

TAYLOR

And I figured the Thirtysomething Gang would've filled you in by now.

RORY

I don't hang out with them.

TAYLOR

So, unless there's other business anybody wants to bring up

LUKE

What about the floaty hut?

BOOTSY

Really, get a room.

TAYLOR

What about it? The floaty hut is broken and down for the season.

LUKE

Did they find the bums who broke it?

BOOTSY

I wonder what Luke and the floaty hut's kids are gonna look like.

LUKE

Will you shut up.

RORY

Excuse me Um, excuse me, everybody. [The Thirtysomething Gang listens closely.] Uh, most everybody. [The move back into there seats.] I gotta say, just shutting down the Stars Hollow Gazette like this, with all its tradition and history, without even putting up the tiniest fight, it just seems... [The noise starts again for a few seconds, then stops.] ...wrong.

TAYLOR

They're still closing. Have a good night, people!

LUKE

Wait. What about my floaty hut?

BOOTSY

It's waiting in bed for you buddy.

LUKE

Shut up, Bootsy.

LORELAI

I think your anonymous cover's blown.

LUKE

Well then screw it. If no one else gives a damn about it, then I don't either.

LORELAI

That's the spirit.

RORY

[Southern Accent] My word, but it's sweltering today.

LORELAI

[Southern Accent] Sultry. That's what it is. Sultry.

RORY

Brandon, I'm out. [He gets Rory a fresh drink.] Thank you, Brandon. I'm just mad about the boy.

LORELAI

Ah, yes, lots of returning favorites today. There's old Butter Butt.

RORY

And our good friend, Back Fat Pat.

LORELAI

Tell me, is he of the Maryland Back Fats?

RORY

I believe he is.

LUKE

They did a job on that floaty hut.

LORELAI

Is it fixable?

LUKE

I'm trying.

RORY

Excuse me, Mr. Hasselhoff?

LUKE

I do not wanna talk about the T-shirt.

RORY

Then we will not.

LORELAI

A little to the right, Dewey, please. As the sun moves, Dewey, it would help if you moved the parasol with it.

DEWEY

Yes, m'lady.

LORELAI

I taught him to call me that.

LUKE

You're shameless. Hey! Yo, yo, yo! No diving off the edge like that! There's rules! All right, that's it. Everybody out of the pool. Right now. Come on. Out! Let's go.

LORELAI

You give a man a lifeguard T-shirt, it goes straight to his head.

RORY

I'm sleepy. I think I'll nap, Brandon. Yes, Khaleesi.

LORELAI

Ooh, that's good, too.

RORY

Night, night.

LORELAI

Hey, you're back!

RORY

I'm not back.

LORELAI

I'm talking to Michel.

RORY

Oh. Hi, Michel. [Waves without turning.]

MICHEL

Hello, Rory. Yes, I got back yesterday. How are things at the inn? Good?

LORELAI

Well...

MICHEL

Great. Frederick makes me come here and be around kids so I acclimate to them for when we make our own. Is that right, "make them"?

LORELAI

Or have them.

MICHEL

Whatever. Fatherhood is just going to be a lot of pretending for me. Okay, bye-bye.

LORELAI

Wow. He didn't even call to tell me he was back.

RORY

He's French.

LORELAI

It's way more than that.

RORY

You know, the Stars Hollow Gazette is the first newspaper I ever read.

LORELAI

Hmm.

RORY

The Gazette. My love of words came from that paper.

LORELAI

Oh, my God.

RORY

What?

LORELAI

Incoming.

PAT

Hey, there.

LORELAI

Hey, Pat.

RORY

Oh, hi. Hi, Pat.

PAT

Welcome back, Rory.

RORY

Oh, I'm not back, fat I mean, back, Pat.

PAT

So you're pool people, huh? Never would have taken you for it.

LORELAI

Oh, you...

RORY

Uh no..

LORELAI

Just sometimes...

RORY

Was..

LORELAI

Kinda..

PAT

Well, got to get going.

LORELAI

Okay.

RORY

Okay, see ya, Pat.

PAT

See ya.

RORY

It's just so stressful being here.

LORELAI

Dewey? Adjust.

DEWEY

That looks like fun.

BABETTE

Okay, so we got all your info here. Hang on to your sheet music and knock 'em dead.

MAN

[Dancer] Hello.

MISS PATTY

Hello.

BABETTE

Hi, there.

LORELAI

Hi, Babette. Hi, Patty.

BABETTE

Shh, we're working here!

MISS PATTY

So you got your sheet music there, Mr. Tall, Dark and Yowza?

MAN

Yup, all set.

BABETTE

Name's Kevin? Nice, but I think I'll call you tomorrow.

LORELAI

Babette, no.

BABETTE

There's the line. Good luck, Kevin.

MISS PATTY

Wow, thanks a lot.

BABETTE

Yeah, that was a total clam jam.

LORELAI

[To Dewey] Don't encourage her.

BABETTE

Go. Go. Scram.

CLAUDIA

Lorelai! Lorelai!

LORELAI

Oh, my God.

RORY

Do we know her?

LORELAI

Uh, Claudia.

CLAUDIA

Oh, my God. Hi!

LORELAI

Hi.

CLAUDIA

Are you auditioning, too?

LORELAI

Oh, no, I was just passing by with my daughter.

CLAUDIA

Is this Rory?

LORELAI

It is. Yes, this is Rory. Rory, this is Claudia.

RORY

Hello.

LORELAI

My therapist.

RORY

Hello!

CLAUDIA

Hi. So are you involved in this?

LORELAI

I'm just on the advisory committee.

CLAUDIA

Hey can you put in a word for me with the director?

LORELAI

[Stammers] Absolutely.

CLAUDIA

Every bit helps.

LORELAI

I guess so.

CLAUDIA

Mm-hmm.

LORELAI

So, break something.

LORELAI

What?

RORY

Isn't she supposed to fix you?

LORELAI

I think so.

RORY

You're totally screwed.

LORELAI

[Softly] Ugh.

TAYLOR

Oh, I'm on cloud nine. We've done it. We've found our leading lady.

LORELAI

That's great, Taylor.

TAYLOR

I couldn't believe her resume. Credits for days. She sings, she dances, she whittles. Just look at her. And look at those gams. She's the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.

LORELAI

Present company excepted, right?

TAYLOR

No, she's pretty much the hottest woman I've ever seen. Hmm. And she was Kinky Boots.

LORELAI

You mean she was in Kinky Boots.

TAYLOR

No, no, she played the lead. She was Kinky Boots.

LORELAI

But that's not her name. There was no character named Kinky Boots. I saw the show.

TAYLOR

Yes, I saw the show, too. Now, excuse me, ladies. I've got to get back to work.

RORY

Look at this, Stars Hollow is mounting a big musical, and no one from the Stars Hollow Gazette is covering it. And why? Because there is no more Stars Hollow Gazette.

LORELAI

It stinks.

RORY

It stinks? That's it? I mean the girl was Kinky Boots.

LORELAI

She was in Kinky Boots! Their is no character named Kinky Boots!

RORY

This is not right.

LORELAI

No. I saw the show twice.

RORY

The Stars Hollow Gazette cannot just go down. I mean, it's not Spotlight at the Boston Globe. It'll never blow the lid off a cabal of buggering priests. We only have one priest in town. He's a good man. That's not the Gazette's fault. I'll see you back at home.

LORELAI

Go get 'em!

CLAUDIA

[Performing on stage] Hey, world, you looking for me? Stop your pouting And get to shouting 'Cause Bernie's back today I've been gone so long And you can bet I've got a lot to say. Seriously, get comfortable.

RORY

[Sighs Heavily] Taylor, do not close the Stars Hollow Gazette!

TAYLOR

Huh? What was that?

BRANDON

Khaleesi is speaking.

RORY

Bit's over, Brandon. Do not close the Gazette. It's a 90-year-old institution, and it's important to people.

TAYLOR

Well, tell that to Bernie Roundbottom. Marlin fishing in Boca Raton was more meaningful to that ingrate.

RORY

Well all it lacks is an editor, right? So, someone to steer the ship? I'm your girl!

TAYLOR

May I ask what your qualifications are?

RORY

I'm... here.

TAYLOR

Well, that's a good start.

RORY

I have a degree in journalism from Yale University. How's that?

TAYLOR

Not bad, but this job will take you away from the Thirtysomething Gang. Have you thought about that?

RORY

I will adjust.

TAYLOR

Should we discuss salary?

RORY

I assume it pays nothing?

TAYLOR

You got the job. Come, let's go introduce you to the staff.

RORY

Lead the way.

TAYLOR

[Clapping] Everyone, good news! We found our editor and the Gazette is saved. Some of you know her. Rory Gilmore, graduate of Yale and a professional journalist. She starts immediately. Now, it may take her a little time to learn all your names, but I want you to cooperate with her and give her 100% of your skills and capabilities, just as you did Bernie Roundbottom. Please, welcome her to the fold.

RORY

Hi, I'm Rory.

ESTHER

Esther.

CHARLIE

[Feebly] Charlie.

RORY

Great. Got the names.

MICHEL

We have you in adjoining rooms eight and nine for four nights. And you are confirmed for tonight for dinner at 6:30. Oh, and please take this. Good for two complimentary cocktails.

MAN

Wonderful. Thanks.

MICHEL

But I do not want to leave anyone out. Is there anyone little here today? Anyone at all?

CHILDREN

[Together] We're little! We're little!

MICHEL

Oh! I did not see you there. For our special little muppets, complimentary lollipops. That is, if you like lollipops.

CHILDREN

[Together] Yeah!

MICHEL

Oh, boy. Go ahead, take one each. Now, when I say one, I mean two.

CHILDREN

[Together] Thanks you.

MICHEL

Oh!

LORELAI

Thank you. Enjoy your stay.

MAN

Thank you.

MICHEL

Yes. [Sighs] On a scale of one to ten, how much did I sound like a child molester?

LORELAI

Six.

MICHEL

Oh, getting better.

LORELAI

Hmm.

MICHEL

Lorelai.

LORELAI

Yeah?

MICHEL

Did you know I just celebrated a birthday?

LORELAI

Of course I did.

MICHEL

It was a big one. A milestone.

LORELAI

[Gasps] Fifty?

MICHEL

Forty. [Scoffs] I'm not 50.

LORELAI

You're not 40.

MICHEL

I'm not 50.

LORELAI

Michel, you weren't 17 when we met.

MICHEL

This is the problem with knowing people a long time. They can backdate you.

LORELAI

I'm guessing you're in the middle?

MICHEL

Somewhere, yes. So, maybe you can take me out for a drink tonight? To celebrate?

LORELAI

Sure.

MICHEL

And talk?

LORELAI

[Gasps] Yeah, sure. Let's talk.

MICHEL

Oh, you must be the Mitchells! We were expecting you. Oh my, who is that little angel you brought with you? She looks like she dropped straight down from heaven.

WAITRESS

Hi, come on in. [She takes them to a table. Zack and Lane are playing quite background music.] Welcome to the Secret Bar. What can I get you?

MICHEL

Uh

LORELAI

Um Gin Martini. Cold, dry, twist, please.

MICHEL

Do you have the George Clooney tequila? The one he enjoys with celebrity friends on his many tequila-filled nights?

WAITRESS

We've got Jose Cuervo.

LORELAI

Does he hang out with George Clooney?

MICHEL

Bring me a shot of Jose, with a little bit of salt on the rim.

WAITRESS

Got it.

MICHEL

Thank you.

LORELAI

[Sighs Heavily] Pretty good crowd tonight.

MICHEL

Yes. Very lively.

LORELAI

So [Imitating Marlon Brando] "My wife is crying upstairs. I can hear cars coming in the house. Consigliere of mine, I think it's time you tell your Don what everyone seems to know."

MICHEL

What?

LORELAI

It's from The Godfather.

MICHEL

Oh, not The Godfather again.

LORELAI

It has a quote for every circumstance.

MICHEL

You don't have a wife.

LORELAI

It's not exact.

MICHEL

And who's Don?

LORELAI

Michel...

MICHEL

I'm leaving.

LORELAI

[Sighs] I'm out of quotes.

MICHEL

I was not just on vacation. I had a meeting at the W Hotel.

LORELAI

Oh.

MICHEL

Look, with my experience, my skills, my charm, don't laugh.

LORELAI

Wasn't laughing.

MICHEL

Doors are open to me. Good jobs. High-paying jobs.

LORELAI

I can't say that I'm surprised.

MICHEL

Thank you.

LORELAI

Thank you.

MICHEL

What I wanted to ask, before it's final, is there a way we can expand the Dragonfly? Make it bigger, add a spa. I was born to run a spa.

LORELAI

Michel, I've got a nature preserve on one side, a fire lane on the other side, protected wetlands on the other side, and I'm not allowed to put guests in the barn unless they eat oats.

MICHEL

Well, I need more. More to do. More responsibility. More money. We have a baby on the way.

LORELAI

You do?

MICHEL

Yeah, I think Frederick ordered one. I have to check. Anyway I can't just stay in one place forever.

LORELAI

I know.

MICHEL

I think I need to take that job at the W.

MAN

[Shouts from a distance.] Five-O!

WOMAN

Five-O!

WOMAN

Clear!

LORELAI

What if I come up with more money for you?

MICHEL

You're overpaying me now. Part of my pay comes out of yours. You think Michel only sees as far as his own reflection? I see the books. I need more money. You need someone you can pay less. Can you deny that? What are you doing? Is your drink sour? What's going on?

LORELAI

I'm just trying not to cry.

MICHEL

Lorelai, don't cry. Because if you cry, I'll cry. I can't be seen crying at the Secret Bar. It's bad enough that I'm here at all.

LORELAI

I'm trying not to.

MICHEL

[Shouting] Lane, this dumb slow song is not helping. Play something happy and uplifting, please. It's much better!

LORELAI

[Sighs]

TAYLOR

I must say, it's been a while since I've felt such energy and excitement on the floor of the Stars Hollow Gazette newsroom.

RORY

Yeah, it's like an Aaron Sorkin movie in here.

TAYLOR

Are you not having fun? I think it's important to have fun.

RORY

Oh, I'm having fun. Right now, I'm experiencing the joy of MS-DOS.

TAYLOR

Well, if you're confused, Esther here is our computer expert.

RORY

Esther?

ESTHER

Yes?

RORY

What do you know about MS-DOS?

ESTHER

Is that an actor?

RORY

No, it's the computer operating system. I know about it from Halt and Catch Fire, and I didn't watch the show that closely.

ESTHER

Well, I have the instructions here Mr. Roundbottom gave me. Hold on. "Turn computer on. " Did you turn it on?

RORY

I did everything but blow in its ear.

ESTHER

"Insert floppy disk. " You got your floppy disk?

RORY

Never mind, Esther.

ESTHER

Happy to help.

TAYLOR

Huh, something is not adding up here.

RORY

Let's get out the company abacus and figure it out.

TAYLOR

You're printing the poem on the cover, yes?

RORY

The poem?

TAYLOR

Oh, yes, a poem. There's been a poem on the cover of the Gazette celebrating the season in every issue we've ever published.

RORY

I know. I'm an avid reader. I was just thinking of going another way.

TAYLOR

Another way. Okay. Editor's choice, I guess. I'll leave you to it.

RORY

See you later, Taylor.

TAYLOR

Coffee pot needs washing.

RORY

And a jackhammer.

LORELAI

[Walks in the office.] Oh, hello, Taylor. Just came by to visit my little Perry White.

TAYLOR

Now, she's working. Don't distract her too much.

MAN & WOMAN

[Outside in the distance.] Five-O!

LORELAI

I've had a long day. A very long day.

RORY

Me, too.

LORELAI

A magical desk. Tell me, is this Scotch old?

RORY

Judging by the "Save for VE Day," scrawled on the label, I'd say yes. Bottoms up. [The girls drink then put the glasses down with force.] Oops, we woke Charlie up.

LORELAI

I just left Michel at the Secret Bar. It's final. He's leaving.

RORY

Really?

LORELAI

He's giving me three months to find someone to replace him. Claims it may not be enough time.

RORY

Always humble, our Michel.

LORELAI

I'm really gonna miss him.

RORY

Me, too. [Cell phone vibrates, Rory groans.]

LORELAI

What?

RORY

Paul.

LORELAI

Who?

RORY

Come on.

LORELAI

You haven't broken up with him?

RORY

Let's have another round tonight. [They have another drink.] Shoot! Woke Charlie up again.

LORELAI

Oh.

RORY

Well, we did it, folks. Our first issue of the Gazette is ready to hit the stands.

ESTHER

It's not my first issue.

CHARLIE

Or mine, neither.

RORY

Well, no, but it's mine. And it's an accomplishment. A milestone. We should open some champagne.

ESTHER

Gives me gas.

RORY

Hey, question. What's the next step?

ESTHER

Huh?

RORY

Where do the papers go?

CHARLIE

All the businesses in town get a stack.

RORY

Yes, but who delivers the stacks?

LORELAI

How's it going in here?

LUKE

Fine, if Eric would run plates while they're hot!

LORELAI

Customers cornered him out their, he'll be right in.

LUKE

Oh good great. Eric's chatting out their about the Red Sox while the food's getting cold?

MICHEL

Oh, he hates the Red Sox.

LUKE

And you. I'm mad at you.

MICHEL

Why are you mad at me?

LUKE

You know why.

MICHEL

Are you doing this? Are you siccing the mountain man on me?

MAN

The couple from New York wants to know if the meat is Pat LaFrieda?

LUKE

What?

MAN

Is it Pat LaFrieda?

LUKE

The couple from New York at table six wants to know if I ground up some guy named Pat LaFrieda and served him on my burgers? You know what tell them yeah. And give them this. They'll like it. I put Pat's pancreas in there.

LORELAI

Luke, hon, have I thanked you lately for hosting Tuesday Burger Day at the Dragonfly?

LUKE

There's no need.

LORELAI

But if it's driving you crazy.

LUKE

I'm fine.

LORELAI

You don't seem fine.

LUKE

I'm just trying to keep a few things going.

LORELAI

Okay. [Answers her cell phone.] Hi.

RORY

Help.

LORELAI

What?

RORY

I need help.

LORELAI

With what?

RORY

Gazette. Now. Bring walking shoes.

LORELAI

Uh...

LUKE

You know I have a business!

LORELAI

I know.

LUKE

But instead of being there, running Luke’s diner, I'm here having conversations about whether or not I ground up some Italian guy and served him in my burgers.

LORELAI

Pat LaFrieda is a New York butcher.

LUKE

Hire a chef.

LORELAI

I will.

LUKE

Soon.

LORELAI

Uh, I'm gonna go get one right now.

LUKE

Wait. Are you just gonna leave me here? Hello? Eric? Somebody? Hello?

RORY

Got the list?

LORELAI

Check.

RORY

Shoes on tight?

LORELAI

Check.

RORY

Let's do this. [They exit the newsroom.] You take the west side, I'll take the east.

LORELAI

Got it.

RORY

Where are you going?

LORELAI

That’s west.

RORY

That's east.

LORELAI

That's west.

RORY

It's not. See? Eastside Dental. It's east.

LORELAI

And the name of the dentist at Eastside Dental is...

RORY

Dr. Eastside. Holy cow, I just put that together?

LORELAI

Look, you take that side of town, I'll take this side.

RORY

Deal.

BABETTE

Rory, wait!

RORY

What's up, guys?

GYPSY

Where's the poem?

RORY

Didn't have room for the poem.

GYPSY

You didn't have room?

BABETTE

But the poem is great.

GYPSY

The poem is traditional.

BABETTE

Now there's just words.

RORY

Those are articles.

GYPSY

Articles?

BABETTE

Who reads the Gazette for the articles?

LANE

Thanks for coming. We appreciate your business. [To Lorelai.] You look exhausted.

LORELAI

Calling in reinforcements.

LORELAI

Okay. I'll take the west side, you take the east side. That's west.

DEWEY

That's east.

LORELAI

[No longer having fun.] Dewey, I am telling you that is the west side.

BOOTSY

Nope. There's 38 here. I'm supposed to get 40.

RORY

I'll come back with two more.

BOOTSY

I can't accept partial delivery.

RORY

You can and you will.

BOOTSY

Bernie Roundbottom never conducted business like this!

RORY

Well, there's a new Bernie Roundbottom in town!

TAYLOR

Shellfish gets better with age, Mrs. Cassini. Everyone knows that. [To Rory as she chucks delivery of the Gazette bundle on the counter.] Already got a complaint from Bootsy. Looks like you shorted him.

RORY

I don't care!

TAYLOR

And people are missing the poem! Just a heads-up! [Checks the cover and doesn’t like it.]

RORY

Hey. What are you guys up to?

WOMAN

We're doing "I drink your milkshake! I drink it up!"

MAN

It's from There Will Be Blood.

RORY

The movie?

MAN

Mm-hmm. We love everything Paul Thomas Anderson does.

WOMAN

We're the Thirtysomething Gang!

RORY

See ya. [Leaves quickly. Answers her phone outside.] Hello?

DOYLE

Rory. Doyle. [In his Apartment.]

RORY

Hey, Doyle. What's up?

DOYLE

Oh nothing much with me. What's up with you ruining my movie review in the Gazette?

RORY

Doyle, please. I'm in the middle of my route.

DOYLE

I was doing you a favor, right? You'd asked me if I'd like to contribute something? I said yes, help out an old friend, and then you butchered it like a piece of veal.

RORY

Doyle your review of The Jungle Book took a 20,000-word detour into the history of African colonialism.

DOYLE

So you're gonna get all anti-intellectual now?

RORY

5,000 of those words were adjectives.

DOYLE

Who says adjectives are bad?

RORY

You, when you were my editor at Yale.

DOYLE

I'm writing a couple things for Michael Bay, and he's really into adjectives.

RORY

So you trust the grammatical stylings of Michael Bay over me?

DOYLE

Are you saying I'm a sell-out?

RORY

No, I'm not.

DOYLE

Because I played snooker at his house last night, and he's a really cool guy.

RORY

I don't have time for this Doyle.

DOYLE

What idiot got rid of the poem?

WOMAN

Hi.

LORELAI

Hi. [Surprised]

WOMAN

We've been meaning to introduce ourselves to you. We get together a couple times a week, read our kids' Resumes, trade job tips, just offer general support. We're the parents of the Thirtysomething Gang.

LORELAI

See ya. [She bolts]

RORY

[Sighs] Are you kidding me?

LANE

She was here about 20 minutes ago.

LORELAI

Hey, there.

RORY

I just found newspapers at Mrs. Kim's.

LORELAI

[Phone.] I just found newspapers at the dentist's. So there.

RORY

[Looks across the town square.] Oh! For the love of. We're hitting the same spots!

LORELAI

Well, then stop hitting the east side, Rory!

RORY

[Shouting, no phone.] No. I'm hitting the west side!

LORELAI

[Shouting, no phone.] No! Dewey said this is the east side!

RORY

[Shouting, no phone.] That's the west side!

LORELAI

[Shouting, no phone.] We need a better system!

ALL

I drink your milkshake! I drink it up!

ESTHER

Going to the gym?

CHARLIE

Oh, yeah. I just gotta go home and get my stuff.

ESTHER

Great. I'll see you there.

CHARLIE

Okay.

LORELAI

AND LUKE’S KITCHEN

RORY

Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!

LORELAI

Rory!

RORY

Ouch! [Grunts] Ouch! Ouch, my feet bloody hurt.

LORELAI

Ow! Ow! Ow!

RORY

What's wrong?

LORELAI

My feet hurt.

RORY

I told you to wear comfy shoes.

LORELAI

Even comfy shoes cannot offset the effects of the Bataan Death March. Ow!

RORY

This walking thing is for chumps.

LORELAI

I have newfound respect for people who deliver things. Next time I see the Lou UPS guy, I'm gonna make him happy.

RORY

Ew.

LORELAI

[Sighs] I want a raise. [Grunts]

RORY

Talk to my office manager.

LORELAI

Who's your office manager?

RORY

Me.

LORELAI

Hey, I want a raise.

RORY

There’ll be a year-end review, maybe I'll throw you a little something.

LORELAI

Did we order Chinese, Greek and Italian food last night?

RORY

And hot dogs.

LORELAI

Ugh. Last night's a blur.

RORY

What did we end up watching?

LORELAI

Ah, Was it Baby Monitor: Sound of Fear, or Co-Ed Call Girl?

RORY

No I'd remember if we'd rocked a Spelling.

LORELAI

Hey they should make a Lifetime movie out of Tori Spelling falling at Benihana. Teppanyaki: Grill of Death.

RORY

That reminds me, I need to call Grandma.

LORELAI

[Scoffs] Oh, yes. When I think of blistering third degree burns, I also think of my mother.

RORY

[Walking to the living room, making the call.] Ouch! Ouch!

EMILY

Hello?

RORY

Grandma.

EMILY

Yes?

RORY

It's Rory.

EMILY

Oh! Rory. Hello.

RORY

Are you okay?

EMILY

Uh, I guess. I I just need some coffee. Berta, have the cousins bring me coffee!

RORY

Did I just wake you up?

EMILY

No, I was just dozing.

RORY

Are you sick?

EMILY

No, I I'm fine. What time is it?

RORY

It's almost noon.

EMILY

Already?

RORY

Noon is when dock workers and rock stars get up. Are you doing some moonlighting I don't know about?

EMILY

Uh, no. Where are my glasses?

RORY

Listen, I'd like to come see you. When are you free?

EMILY

I don't know. What day is it?

RORY

It's Saturday.

EMILY

Well, I have a DAR meeting on Thursday, but other than that, I'm free.

RORY

Okay so maybe I'll...

EMILY

Wait a minute. Hold on. Berta, was that the door? I'm sorry, Rory. I have to go.

RORY

Grandma.

RORY

Ouch! Ouch!

LORELAI

I kind of dig it. It's like you're wearing a cowbell.

RORY

Well, dig this. Grandma was asleep, and it's almost noon.

LORELAI

Hmm.

RORY

I woke her up! Are you hearing me? I woke up Emily Gilmore at noon.

LORELAI

I heard.

RORY

It's weird.

LORELAI

It's weird.

RORY

[Scoffs] Thanks for the support you've given her. That's been really helpful too.

LORELAI

Hey! She's the one who quit therapy and drove that poor woman into show business for Gods sake.

RORY

You're a child.

LORELAI

Get used to it.

RORY

I have to head to the Gazette. News never sleeps. Ouch!

LORELAI

Ouch! Ouch!

RORY

Ouch!

LORELAI

Ouch! Ouch!

RORY

Ouch! Ouch!

TAYLOR

Welcome, everyone, to the first run-through of Stars Hollow: The Musical. This is a special preview performance for our advisory committee, and for a few select friends and family. I think you're all in for a real treat. But first, some business. What you see here today needs to remain strictly confidential. But rather than having good neighbors such as yourselves sign some cold legal document, how about you all raise your right hands and repeat after me? I, Stars Hollow theater lover...

ALL

[Right hands raised] I, Stars Hollow theater lover...

TAYLOR

hereby swear that I will not divulge any portion of this show in any way...

ALL

hereby swear that I will not divulge any portion of this show in any way..

TAYLOR

out of respect for the hard-working creators of this musical, so help me God, or Allah, or Buddha, or whatever it is you pray to...

ALL

out of respect for the hard-working creators of this musical, so help me God, or Allah, or Buddha, or whoever it is you pray to...

TAYLOR

Wow! Are we excited about this!

ALL

[Happy] Wow! Are we excited about this!

TAYLOR

No, uh, people, the repeating part is over. Now you'll see that the show is a little rough, but Nat and I have put our hearts and souls into this, haven't we, Nat?

BABETTE

He needs more fiber, that boy.

GYPSY

Or last rites.

TAYLOR

Now under each of your seats is a pen and clipboard with sheets of blank paper, ready for your feedback. Feel free to jot down any critique or suggestion any time during the show. And now, sit back, relax, and enjoy Stars Hollow: The Musical!

CARL

[Man Enters, then grunts as he gets a drink.]

VIOLET

[Woman on stage.] One more for the road, huh?

CARL

Can't a man enjoy a glass of whiskey after a hard day's work here in Stars Hollow?

VIOLET

A man can. But there's no man in this room.

LORELAI

What the

BABETTE

Shh!

LORELAI

But, look at the...

OTHERS

Shh!

CARL

You were always a sly cat, Felix. But your talons have dulled. [Tosses a glass, doesn’t break.]

VIOLET

A cat has nine lives. And all of mine are in the past!

CARL

Meow.

VIOLET

I wish I was in the past. It's better than any future with you!

CARL

Low blow!

VIOLET

What's happening?

CARL

I don't know!

VIOLET

Hold on! [whimpers]

LORELAI

What?

DONALD

[Gasps]

LORELAI

No. What?

BOTH

We're working on building, Working on building Stars Hollow We're working on building Working on building Stars, Stars Hollow.

VIOLET

This redwood tree, it soars so high It touches God in heaven. We'll hack it into a dining room set That'll easily seat eleven.

BOTH

Working on building Working on building Stars Hollow. We're working on building Working on building Stars, Stars Hollow.

CARL

There's a river over there Got to move it over here Gonna kill a lot of beaver Gonna cull a lot of deer There's no EPA So we'll do it our way.

BOTH

Stars Hollow!

CARL

Got a hatchet and an ax And a hammer and a knife.

BABETTE

The guy is hot.

CARL

And a red hot poker And a super sharp scythe Got a dagger and a mallet And a really big rock

BOTH

Stars Hollow! Got a hatchet and an ax And a hammer and a knife Got a red hot poker With a super sharp scythe [Everyone is enjoying it except Lorelai.] Got a dagger and a mallet And a really big rock Stars Hollow! [Vocalizing, big ending.]

CARL

What a night! [Shivers] It's nothing but ice out there.

VIOLET

Well, come inside. Warm yourself.

CARL

Here, take my musket and ammunition while I pour myself a drink.

VIOLET

My God! Your balls are frozen!

CARL

It must be ten below out there.

VIOLET

But you're all right. My brave soldier.

CARL

Not so fast with the encomiums! [Throws the cup, again it doesn’t break.]

LORELAI

[Whispers] Encomiums. Encomiums?

CARL

We stood there all night, but the British never came. [Shivers] I'm not the man you think I am.

VIOLET

But you are.

CARL

Go on.

VIOLET

You are me in pants.

CARL

And you are me in a dress.

VIOLET

It fits a bit askance.

CARL

I've tried it on, I confess.

VIOLET

We met so awfully cute.

CARL

And you were ripe and curvy

VIOLET

You brought me a crown of citrus fruit

CARL

Which I hoped would cure your scurvy

BOTH

It's a love, love Love revolution, In a revolutionary time.

VIOLET

You are like no other, because you are my brother.

CARL

But that's no crime.

VIOLET

Not yet.

CARL

Thank God

BOTH

Lafayette! It's a love, love, love revolution. In a revolutionary time.

VIOLET

We'll raise cows and pigs.

CARL

And get honey from a hive.

VIOLET

We'll have 14 kids.

CARL

And hope that three will survive.

VIOLET

It's a war-torn time and I'm smelling you, and I want to rip your threads off.

CARL

Let's have sex a lot Before the British Blow our heads off.

BOTH

It's a love, love, love revolution In a revolutionary time. It's a love, love, love revolution. In a revolutionary ti Ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-hime!

TAYLOR

All right. Hold tight, everyone. We have a quick costume change, and next up, the Industrial Revolution.

LORELAI

Hey, can I borrow your pen?

DONALD

Sure. Why?

LORELAI

Advisory committee.

DONALD

Okay.

VIOLET

[On Stage] Well, here we are. 1891.

CARL

[On Stage] Did you hear about the new sport that this Dr. James Naismith created? It'll never catch on.

VIOLET

[On Stage] What's it called?

CARL

[On Stage] Basketball.

CARL

I had an idea today. For an invention.

VIOLET

What is it?

CARL

A machine that would wash your dinner dishes automatically.

VIOLET

That's a wonderful idea!

CARL

I'll build the factory here in Stars Hollow.

VIOLET

We'll be rich!

CARL

As long as the workers stay complacent.

VIOLET

And non-rhythmic.

MAN

Yo, yo, yo! Not so fast!

VIOLET

Wait a second.

CARL

I say!

MAN

Let me tell you what I'm talking about.

LORELAI

Oy vey.

MAN

Hey, yo! Look, I'm rappin' Just like Hamilton on Broadway. This is an odd way yo tell the town story. Depict the town glory and get you to follow me to Stars Hollow, see.

LORELAI

[To herself] No, no.

MAN

Magnetic, yo! I'm just like Magneto Last night I held a meeting underneath the town gazebo. We had sandwiches and talked all night. And at the end we all voted to "Strike! Strike!"

CARL

Young man, you must know this will ruin Stars Hollow.

VIOLET

And for me, all your rapping is kind of hard to follow.

MAN

Yeah, Lin-Manuel had to deal with this give it time, just trust your ears will adjust you gave me the mic and I'm gonna rock it.

VIOLET

The world is a terrible place.

CARL

There's junk mail and terrorism, tiny airplane seats.

VIOLET

New weird viruses, really small print and tank tops.

CARL

Anything by Jeff Koons.

VIOLET

Spam!

CARL

Not the food

BOTH

Man-buns!

VIOLET

Those Occupy

BOTH

Radicals!

CARL

What restaurants charge for wine.

VIOLET

And Putin

CARL

And Putin

VIOLET

And Putin

CARL

And Putin

ALL

[On stage] And Pu-Pu-Pu-Pu-Putin [More dancers come on stage.] What's there not to love about the town of Stars Hollow? With its twinkle lights, friendly people, ample parking and historic steeple

VIOLET

Our sunsets are the best, the kids are just adorable.

CARL

Our sewer system's new.

ALL

[On stage] Our leash laws are enforceable. So what's there not to love about the town of Stars Hollow Hollow, Hollow, Hollow Hollow, Hollow, Hollow, Hollow Hollow, Hollow, Hollow, Hollow [Tap dancing].

LORELAI

No. Come on.

DONALD

Lorelai, what is your problem?

LORELAI

What's next, a kickline?

LORELAI

No. No.

LORELAI

I'm Nostradamus.

ALL

[On stage] There's everything to love about the town of Stars Hollow, Stars Hollow, Stars Hollow!

LORELAI

Okay. Well, uh [chuckles] Wow! Where are we gonna meet to go over this? [The lights go out.] What's happening?

GYPSY

Sit down!

LORELAI

Ooh. Sorry.

ALL

[On stage] Waterloo, I was defeated you won the war

LORELAI

Oh, no. Gotta be kidding me.

ALL

[On stage] Waterloo Promise to love you forevermore

BABETTE

You're not getting up?

LORELAI

I guess I am.

DONALD

You're not gonna clap?

LORELAI

Yes I am. [Sarcastically] Yay.

TAYLOR

So, this is the zero hour, people. It's been a lot of hard work, and Nat and I are certainly proud of what we've accomplished thus far. But now, I need to hear from my trusted stable of advisors, and I want the unvarnished truth, warts and all. So hit me with it. Hold nothing back. We can take it.

SOPHIE

This show is fantastic!

TAYLOR

Ah! I knew it!

BABETTE

Simba, you've been dethroned. Bow to the new king.

DONALD

It moves. It breathes.

GYPSY

Add an orchestra, you can take it straight to Broadway.

BABETTE

School of Rock. Bunch of schlock. This show gets an "A."

TOM

I know nothing about musicals, but this is a fun musical.

TAYLOR

The book was terrific, too.

BABETTE

Tevye, move over. There's a new Jew in town.

TAYLOR

Well, it seems like we've got unanimity here. Or do we?

LORELAI

Hmm?

TAYLOR

You're awfully quiet. And you've been writing an awful lot on your clipboards there.

TAYLOR

Clipboards? You needed more than one clipboard?

LORELAI

Hey, Babette was writing a lot, too.

BABETTE

I was writing my funny zingers. Hasa diga eebowai, you Mormon nerds. Audiences are ringing a new doorbell! I got 26 more of these.

TAYLOR

So, I guess we're waiting for your opinion?

LORELAI

Right. Well I think for a first run-through, it was yeah.

TAYLOR

"Yeah" is not an opinion.

SOPHIE

Didn't you think it was charming? I thought it was charming.

LORELAI

I did. I thought it was charming. I, uh, just had a few questions and maybe a few suggestions.

GYPSY

Really?

DONALD

What's your suggestion? Make it less perfect?

TAYLOR

Now, now, people, I asked for the unvarnished truth. Let's hear Lorelai's notes. Lorelai?

LORELAI

Okay. So, first, that opening scene with her black eye, the whiskey, the weird, gritty whatever it was. What was that about?

TAYLOR

The opening scene is an excerpt from a play I wrote in college that happened to be blessed by my mentor, the great Edward Albee. You may know him as the author of a little something called Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?

DONALD

Impressive.

TOM

Wow.

LORELAI

You worked with Edward Albee?

TAYLOR

Yes. I was at Joe Allen one night, years ago, and I dropped the script on Albee's table with my phone number and asked him to call me with notes. Any notes at all that would make it better than it was. And he never called.

DONALD

Wow!

GYPSY

Congratulations, Taylor.

LORELAI

So, Edward Albee's eating at Joe Allen, you drop a script at his table, he never calls, and that makes him your mentor?

TAYLOR

You just don't understand the theater community.

LORELAI

I guess not.

TAYLOR

I have dinner reservations in ten minutes, are you done?

LORELAI

What about the rapping?

SOPHIE

What about it?

GYPSY

Is this getting racial?

DONALD

A little.

LORELAI

No. No. It's not racial. Just Isn't it way too Hamilton?

TAYLOR

Hamilton's a smash.

SOPHIE

It won a million Tonys.

LORELAI

Yes it's very popular, but doesn't that make what we're doing derivative?

TAYLOR

So, because Hamilton has rap numbers, no one else in the world can rap? You will be so kind as to let RZA and Busta Rhymes know that they're not allowed to rap anymore?

GYPSY

How does he know those names?

LORELAI

What about the Civil War number with the revolving stage? What was the point of that?

TAYLOR

Again, Hamilton utilized a revolving stage and it worked like gangbusters.

LORELAI

But ours looked like a lazy Susan. Carl and Violet should dress up as condiments.

TAYLOR

Condiments? Hmm, Nat, that's something we should kick around.

LORELAI

That's not the point.

TAYLOR

That number got a standing O, and it's one of Nat's favorites. If you want to cut it, you'll have to pry it out of his cold, dead hands.

LORELAI

I don't think there's any other way to pry something from Nat. But, to be clear, no one else is bothered by these detours?

GROUP

No.

TAYLOR

Okay if there's nothing else

LORELAI

Sorry, the lead girl. Can we talk about her?

SOPHIE

Who? Violet?

DONALD

What do you want? For her to be less perfect?

SOPHIE

Impossible.

BABETTE

She was Kinky Boots!

LORELAI

Just the part she plays. I mean her character goes from scene to scene, falling in love with every guy from a different era.

GYPSY

So? Sex sells.

BABETTE

She was Kinky Boots.

LORELAI

She has sex, like, 26 times in the show! That's a lot of friction. A fire was gonna start down there.

TAYLOR

I didn't know you were such a prude.

LORELAI

I'm not a prude.

GYPSY

You counted how many times she had sex.

BABETTE

She was Kinky Boots!

LORELAI

So, everybody likes her? Violet.

DONALD

Ouch.

TAYLOR

Methinks the town stable has one mare too many for Lorelai.

SOPHIE

She has a beautiful voice.

BABETTE

And she was Kinky Boots!

LORELAI

Babette, I love you, but Kinky Boots was a show, not a character. And she was in the road show, not the Broadway show. And she wasn't Kinky Boots. She was Trish, the factory worker!

BABETTE

I'm right next to you. You don't have to yell!

LORELAI

I'm not yelling. Am I yelling? Look, last thing. Abba?

TAYLOR

Ah! Thanks for reminding me. We all love the Abba songs. But my attorney warned me that doing the nine Abba songs at the end might entangle us in some messy litigation. Now, I've got a call in to Benny Andersson and BjÃrn Ulvaeus of Abba.

LORELAI

You have their numbers?

TAYLOR

But have yet to hear back.

SOPHIE

You know, Taylor I've written some songs. Sorry.

TAYLOR

No. No, Sophie, go ahead.

SOPHIE

I've never done anything with them, but you can have them for free to sing at the end, if you like.

TAYLOR

Well, that's very nice, Sophie. Are they catchy?

SOPHIE

I could play one for you.

TAYLOR

Please.

SOPHIE

[Singing at the piano] I feel the earth move under my feet I feel the sky tumblin' down A-tumblin' down I feel my heart start to tremble...

TAYLOR

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah Um, That's not catchy.

SOPHIE

Yeah, you're right. Sorry.

LORELAI

Honestly, everyone here is just throwing encomiums at this thing. Mondo encomium! It's all swell? I'm an island? Guess I'm an island.

TAYLOR

And I can just make my reservation.

VIOLET

You don't like me.

LORELAI

[Gasps] Oh, you scared me. Violet.

VIOLET

You don't like me.

LORELAI

That's not true.

VIOLET

Why?

LORELAI

[Speechless]

VIOLET

Have you ever performed? Been in a musical? Taken this risk?

LORELAI

No. Well, once. I was Lucy in You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown. I was awful that one night Charlie Brown accidently kicked me instead of the football and the crowd cheered.

VIOLET

So I wasn't Kinky Boots, okay? I was Trish. It's a featured role.

LORELAI

It's a great role.

VIOLET

Well, I went on a lot. In Boston. Boston's a big-ass town.

LORELAI

Uh-huh.

VIOLET

Everybody's a critic.

LORELAI

Well, it was my job.

VIOLET

[Lights up another cigeret.] Mm, well. I got to go. Opening night's in a week. Thanks for the doubts.

LORELAI

[Shouting] You're a terrific tap dancer!

VIOLET

I don't need your validation!

WOMAN 1

It's quite a find.

WOMAN 2

It's a hell of a find. Excuse my language. Don't you think, Emily?

EMILY

Oh, yes. Yes, quite a find!

WOMAN 3

And it was a yard sale. Not even a thrift shop.

WOMAN 4

It was at the bottom of a box, under an old toaster and a broken Slinky.

WOMAN 3

I'd drop by more yard sales myself, but you have to step into people's yards.

WOMAN 1

Oh, with their trampolines and their "Kiss the Gardener" signs.

WOMAN 4

With your approval, I would like to petition the national board to fund the purchase of a top-notch display for the diaries of Abigail Franklin.

EMILY

After we authenticate them, right?

WOMAN 4

Hmm?

EMILY

We can't repeat what happened with the bogus Federalist Papers.

WOMAN 2

Where the word "Federalist" was misspelled.

WOMAN 1

We stopped that check just in time.

WOMAN 4

Very well, then. Post-verification. All in favor? [They all raise their hands.] Excellent. I'll get the process started.

EMILY

Hmm.

WOMAN 1

Emily, these puffs Are they crab?

EMILY

Do they taste like crab?

WOMAN 3

I don't know.

EMILY

Neither do I. Berta makes things, and I just eat them.

WOMAN 4

She doesn't tell you what they are?

EMILY

Oh, no, she tells me.

WOMAN 3

Oh, my goodness! Is it three o'clock already?

WOMAN 4

I have a hair appointment.

WOMAN 2

Me, too.

WOMAN 1

Same here.

EMILY

I guess the meeting's adjourned.

WOMAN 4

Goodbye, darling.

WOMAN 3

Sorry to dash.

WOMAN 1

Lovely meeting, dear.

EMILY

Mm-hmm. Thank you. [To Rory.] Well, this is a surprise. Did I know you were coming? Did I forget? Have I officially become an old woman?

RORY

No, not you. Never. I just popped by to see if you were home.

BERTA

[Taking to the DAR Ladies.] No, no, no, Senora Emily Berta no know anything, anything.

EMILY

They're gonna miss their hair appointments, and it's all their fault.

RORY

Uh, Grandma. [Stopping at the living room.]

EMILY

Yes?

RORY

There's a TV in here.

EMILY

Yes, there is. So would you like something to eat? I have Berta puffs from today and some mystery soup from last night.

RORY

No, I'm fine. Grandma, why is there a TV in here?

EMILY

One of Berta's cousins heard me talking about a live opera that was coming on, and it was during dinnertime, so they brought it down and set it up for me.

RORY

You ate in the living room?

EMILY

Yes.

RORY

On this? It's a Duncan Phyfe!

EMILY

I didn't eat on the coffee table. They set this up for me. [Pulls out a folding TV tray.]

RORY

Am I being punk'd?

EMILY

You're being dramatic.

RORY

Grandma, have you been getting out of the house at all?

EMILY

Of course I have. I'm not a shut-in.

RORY

I mean socializing. Not just running errands. Are you getting together with people?

EMILY

I was just with the girls.

RORY

I don't mean DAR meetings. Have you been doing anything fun?

EMILY

Yes, I'm full of fun.

RORY

You were asleep at noon the other day.

EMILY

So?

RORY

Well it's not like you. I mean do you go to the club? You and Grandpa loved the club.

EMILY

I'm not even sure if my membership is up-to-date.

RORY

Well, renew it.

EMILY

Why?

RORY

You're too young to be eating in front of a TV tray, watching Matlock.

EMILY

Matlock isn't on anymore.

RORY

It's in repeats.

EMILY

I'm watching PBS, not Matlock. I'm not 90.

RORY

That's my point. Maybe you should go out at night, mingle, dance a little, have fun.

EMILY

I should go save the ladies. Berta, they have to go. They all have hair appointments.

RORY

We had a debate about Andy Griffith. Alive or dead? Then we finished off the finger sandwiches.

LORELAI

Something must have gotten through, because she actually e-mailed me. First contact in ages.

RORY

She said she would. What's it about?

LORELAI

Something fun. Your grandfather's gravestone.

RORY

Why would she e-mail you about that?

LORELAI

There's a new one on the way.

RORY

What happened to the old one?

LORELAI

You mean "ones." Um Let's see. The first one had the Longfellow quote right, but without attribution to Longfellow. Got chucked. The second one had the attribution, but she wanted a dash preceding it. Got chucked. The third one fell off the delivery truck. That's not on her. Got chucked. The fourth one had the dash and the Longfellow, but no quotation marks around the quote. Got chucked. This is number five.

RORY

Does she want us to proof it?

LORELAI

I don't know, Rory. She just wants us there.

RORY

Okay. So we'll go. Right? Mom? Grandma asked us. We haven't visited the grave in a while.

LORELAI

I know.

RORY

I'm worried about her.

LORELAI

Okay. Fine. We'll go.

RORY

TV tray in the living room.

LORELAI

Is what I originally named you.

RORY

Bye.

LORELAI

Bye.

RORY

Rory Gilmore. Yes, thank you. We've gotten a lot of positive feedback for putting the poem back on the cover. They are inspiring. Yes, I'd say we don't have our heads up our backsides anymore. Uh-huh. Thanks for calling.

JESS

No cigar? I pictured you chomping a fat cigar.

RORY

Doctor told me to cut back. Esther, Charlie, this is Jess. He's Luke Danes' nephew.

CHARLIE

Hello.

ESTHER

I remember you, punk.

JESS

Good to see you again, Esther. [Sitting down.] You, too. What's it been? Four years?

RORY

Maybe more. When did you get in?

JESS

Just now. I'm meeting Luke. We've got Mom maintenance to do. You hear she and T. J. accidentally joined some cult?

RORY

And that vegetables were involved.

JESS

And an eight-million-year contract.

RORY

I heard it was six.

JESS

As editor of the Gazette, you have better sources than me, Mr. Roundbottom.

RORY

What? [Jess turns the name plate around.] Oh.

JESS

Can't wait to hear how you got the job.

RORY

It was the usual thing. I submitted my resume, plus samples of my work, I was thoroughly vetted, there were several interviews. Plus complex negotiations over salary, benefits, parking.

JESS

You asked Taylor?

RORY

Pretty much. [Rory turns of a hanging photo.] I don't want him to see me like this. It's good to see you.

JESS

You, too.

RORY

How about some lunch?

JESS

Sure. [Rory pulls out the bottle from her desk.] Very Lou Grant.

RORY

Last time I checked, grain was a food group. [Hands Jess a glass.] Bottoms up.

JESS

Roundbottoms up.

RORY

So, how are you? Luke says the book press is going great.

JESS

It's doing okay.

RORY

So you got Dave Eggers is shaking in his boots?

JESS

[Chuckles] If Dave Eggers even knows we exist, I'd be happy.

RORY

And in other stuff? Personal life?

JESS

Stable. Nothing permanent. What about you?

RORY

Oh, damn.

JESS

Did you just write "break up with P"?

RORY

How about a second course?

RORY

Esther, would you get that?

ESTHER

I'm filing something.

RORY

I didn’t want to say you've been filing that same piece of paper for a long time. But when you started, Nora Ephron felt good about her neck.

ESTHER

Do you still want me to get it?

RORY

No. I could've been a contender.

JESS

You're still a contender.

RORY

Oh yeah? I'm broke. Busted. Beggared. I have no apartment. No car. Hell my license expired three months ago.

JESS

Get out of here.

RORY

Everything I own is in boxes, scattered around three different states. I have no job. I have no credit. I have no underwear.

JESS

What?

RORY

I can't find that box!

JESS

So just buy some new ones.

RORY

Are you listening, man? I'm broke.

JESS

I'll lend you the money.

RORY

This isn't about you lending me money to buy underwear. This is about my life! People come up and smell me.

JESS

And what are they smelling?

RORY

Failure. Headmaster Charleston told me to go get my master's so could come back and teach at Chilton. He could smell it. I went and interviewed at a website that I hate. They passed. They can smell it.

JESS

No one's smelling anything.

RORY

Maybe Paris will let me be a surrogate. She's always liked my teeth.

JESS

Slow down.

RORY

It's probably too late. I've aged out.

JESS

Stop. This is a rut. It's temporary.

RORY

Or not.

JESS

You're a writer. Ruts are normal.

RORY

My friend Doyle's a Hollywood writer now. He's always telling me to write a spec script.

JESS

You're not writing a spec script.

RORY

He gave me a copy of The Mysteries of Laura. Is that a show?

JESS

You need to write something that you're passionate about.

RORY

What is that foreign concept you speak of? "Passion"? Is that really a thing?

JESS

You just got to find the thing that makes you feel, so that your readers feel it. What makes you feel?

RORY

Did I tell you I lost my wallet?

JESS

[Leans forward] You should write a book.

RORY

Ugh, thanks for the Naomi Shropshire flashbacks. Lovely.

JESS

I know what you should write.

RORY

What?

JESS

Write about you and your mom.

RORY

What?

JESS

It's a cool story. It's got a point of view. It's something only you can write. Think about it. I gotta go. Thanks for lunch.

LORELAI

Thanks, guys. Looks great.

MAN

Okay.

BERTA

[In here language] Hello, Lorelai.

LORELAI

Hi.

BERTA

[In here language] They are waiting for you on the patio. Lots of things going on here. The cousins are here and they have their own ladders. It's exciting. Mrs. Gilmore is so kind, the nicest woman I've ever met They're right outside.

LORELAI

Thank you.

BERTA

Uh-huh.

LORELAI

Hi, sorry I'm late. [Stops in here tracks when she sees a man with Emily.] Hello.

JACK

Hello, there.

EMILY

Jack, this is my daughter, Lorelai. Lorelai, this is Jack Smith.

LORELAI

Hi.

JACK

Oh.

LORELAI

Nice to meet you.

JACK

We've met.

LORELAI

Have we?

JACK

Mm-hmm.

EMILY

At Richard's service. Jack spoke.

JACK

I was a good friend of your father's. Spent many an hour with him on the golf course.

LORELAI

Mmm.

JACK

Great man.

LORELAI

Yes. He was a golf player. Great. He was a great golf man.

JACK

Sit down, ladies. I made a pitcher of Gimlets with a vodka I brought back from Russia. It's wonderful. Want to try some?

LORELAI

Sure.

EMILY

Rory didn't come with you? Lorelai?

LORELAI

Me?

EMILY

Yes, you.

LORELAI

Uh, she's coming separately.

EMILY

Jack has offered to drive us all to the cemetery.

LORELAI

How nice of him.

JACK

Well, it's a hard day. You know, I just want to help. Here you are, ladies. Enjoy.

EMILY

Thank you, Jack.

LORELAI

So, who are you? I Or, what, where, how do. What do you do, Jack?

JACK

Well, I'm mostly retired. Venture capital. I go into the office every now and then. They hide from me. [laughs]

LORELAI

And what is the the but the the blank blank

EMILY

Yes?

LORELAI

Uh, it just flew out of my head.

JACK

Is your drink all right?

LORELAI

Oh, yeah. It's very Gimlety. I'm thirsty. Parched. I'm gonna grab some sparkling water.

JACK

Ah, I'll get it.

LORELAI

Oh, no, that's okay. You stay there, Jack. I'll, um, bring some for all of us.

EMILY

You'll be right back?

LORELAI

I'll be right back.

RORY

Hello?

LORELAI

Where are you?

RORY

Oh, hey. I'm at the Gazette. I lost track of time.

LORELAI

Well stop the presses, because I've got your new lead story.

RORY

What are you talking about?

LORELAI

Your grandmother better buy herself a new TV tray.

RORY

What?

LORELAI

She has a boyfriend.

RORY

No.

LORELAI

Ugh, Jack. Jack Smith. New Daddy Jack. I'll put you on speaker. I have to google something.

RORY

Oh, come on. He can't be her boyfriend.

LORELAI

Well, he's struttin' around like he is. Sitting next to her, all cozy, mixing cocktails at Dad's drink cart.

RORY

The patio cart or the living room cart?

LORELAI

The patio cart.

RORY

Oh well, that's not so bad.

LORELAI

How is that not so bad?

RORY

The patio cart's an auxiliary. I associate Grandpa with the living room cart.

LORELAI

Dad used both carts! I associate both with my departed father. Oh, great. There's 54 million Jack Smiths. Of course that's his name.

RORY

Add Connecticut to it.

LORELAI

Yeah, got it down to two million.

RORY

Jack is short for John. Search John Smith.

LORELAI

Now my phone's just laughing at me.

RORY

Where does she know him from?

LORELAI

The club.

RORY

Oh, she went back to the club?

LORELAI

And he was at Dad's funeral. Dad wasn't even in the ground, and Jack was there, spraying his scent all over Mom. I am in shock. Are you in shock?

RORY

Yeah, I'm in shock.

LORELAI

I thought she'd sworn off the club. She hasn't been there in ages.

RORY

Well, I may have encouraged her to go back.

LORELAI

To the club?

RORY

Yes.

LORELAI

You pimped out my mother?

RORY

I didn't pimp her out. She was getting very isolated.

LORELAI

Rory you sent a vulnerable, wounded turtle into a nest of horny, gray-haired honey badgers.

RORY

I thought she would play backgammon!

LORELAI

Now, thanks to you, she's out there sipping a gimlet with Jack the Zipper. I can’t believe you're missing this.

RORY

I told Grandma I'd meet you at the cemetery. I'm working on something.

LORELAI

Oh, what is it?

RORY

It's a surprise. I I'm excited about it but I want to tell you in person.

LORELAI

Good. I want to hear something that won't make me queasy.

EMILY

Lorelai.

LORELAI

I gotta go. Oh, uh, we'll see you later.

RORY

Bye.

LORELAI

Rory's gonna meet us at the cemetery.

EMILY

Do you have a problem?

LORELAI

I mean, who is this guy, Mom?

EMILY

Jack Smith.

LORELAI

What do you know about this Jack Smith?

EMILY

I know everything. We've been friends for 30 years.

LORELAI

Friends, huh? Playing some golf, sipping bub at the club?

EMILY

What are you babbling about?

LORELAI

You don't know him.

EMILY

Oh, for Pete's sake.

LORELAI

I mean, what is he after?

EMILY

Nothing. Why?

LORELAI

I ain't saying he's a gold digger.

EMILY

Lorelai.

LORELAI

Mom, you're a catch. You're vulnerable. You have money.

EMILY

He has more.

LORELAI

I ain't saying you're a gold digger.

EMILY

Jack is a widower and we are friends. I can't have friends?

LORELAI

Of course you can.

EMILY

Friends are for other people, not for me?

LORELAI

It's just weird to see him here. I'm processing. Maybe it's good. Maybe it's good that you're moving on.

EMILY

Oh, I see. It's good that I'm moving on because now I'm someone else's problem.

LORELAI

What?

EMILY

You won't have to worry about me because now I have a man in my life.

LORELAI

I didn't say that.

EMILY

You're released from all responsibility.

LORELAI

I didn't...

EMILY

You've forgotten about your father?

LORELAI

Help me with the Segway’s here.

EMILY

I'm not dismissing Richard by spending time with Jack. I'm not just moving on.

LORELAI

Okay. I didn't. Let's not leave Jack and the auxiliary cart waiting out there.

EMILY

Where's Luke today?

LORELAI

I'm never skipping breakfast again.

EMILY

Is he going to call me about that real estate we saw?

LORELAI

What real estate?

EMILY

I took that "partner" of yours to look at potential franchise locations. It was your father's dying wish. He wanted to give Luke a leg up.

LORELAI

Luke does not need a leg up.

EMILY

I spent half a day with him. Nice to know he doesn't mind wasting a grieving widow's time.

LORELAI

When was this?

EMILY

He didn't tell you?

LORELAI

Yes, he did.

EMILY

Do you and that partner of yours even talk?

LORELAI

Yes, always. Constantly.

EMILY

Could have fooled me. [Awkward silence] We need to go. [Walking off] Jack, we should be going.

RORY

[To Lorelai.] So, that's the honey badger?

LORELAI

That's him.

RORY

How was the drive?

LORELAI

Cologne-scented.

EMILY

Hello, honey.

RORY

Hi, Grandma. [They hug.]

EMILY

Jack is gonna wait for us in the car. Shall we?

LORELAI

Yeah. Okay.

LORELAI

I thought we took a left at the Gundersons.

RORY

I thought it was a sharp right at the Turners.

EMILY

I know the way. Stanley.

STANLEY

Good afternoon, Mrs. Gilmore and ladies.

RORY

Hi.

EMILY

Hello. Are we all set here?

STANLEY

Yes, we are. [Takes a cover of the tomb stone.] It was newly polished this morning. The coal gray is just the right shade, there's a dash in front of the Longfellow

EMILY

There are single quotation marks.

LORELAI

Here we go.

EMILY

Around the quote it was supposed to be double quotation marks.

STANLEY

Of course it was.

EMILY

It was always correct before this. Why would you change it?

STANLEY

I am going to look into this.

EMILY

I'm coming with you. This is ridiculous. This is the fourth one.

LORELAI

Fifth.

EMILY

Stay here.

LORELAI

Okay.

RORY

Sure.

STANLEY

Maybe we can get someone on-site to carve them into double quotation marks.

EMILY

Five stones and five mistakes. What is going on here?

STANLEY

The third one did fall off the truck.

RORY

I think the single quotes look fine.

LORELAI

Let her have what she wants.

RORY

Grandma's still got your back, Grandpa. Well, this gives me a chance to fix his flowers. You take these. So, what do you think of Queens?

LORELAI

Well the monarch or the guys who are fun to hang out with?

RORY

The borough. I've been looking at apartments. I think I'm gonna try Queens. It's the hot place.

LORELAI

What about Brooklyn?

RORY

Brooklyn's done.

LORELAI

Oh, I'm so behind.

RORY

You get more space in Queens. I want a bedroom and a dedicated writing space, especially since...

LORELAI

Is this the top-secret Manhattan Project you've been working on?

RORY

Could be.

LORELAI

Ooh, happy news. Tell, tell.

RORY

Well, it's a book.

LORELAI

You bought one?

RORY

No.

LORELAI

Borrowed one?

RORY

No.

LORELAI

Burned one?

RORY

No. I'm writing a book.

LORELAI

Really? Nutty Naomi changed her mind?

RORY

Oh, no, I'm writing this solo. No crazy collaborators.

LORELAI

Wow!

RORY

I know, right?

LORELAI

So, what's it about? I'm dying to hear. Sorry, just an expression.

RORY

[chuckles]

LORELAI

Is it a love story? A mystery? A feel-good puppy, kitten, pony, raccoon travel across country to enter a cow in the county fair story?

RORY

It's non-fiction.

LORELAI

So is the puppy, kitten, pony, raccoon, cow county fair caper.

RORY

No animals, no capers. It's about me and you.

LORELAI

Me and you?

RORY

Yes.

LORELAI

And do we fight crime?

RORY

[chuckles] It's about our relationship. Our mother-daughter thing. The friend thing. It's our journey, and the journey you took before I was born.

LORELAI

Hmm.

RORY

Maybe I glossed over it too much. Just picture this. It starts. You're 16, you're pregnant. You're packing up to leave Grandma's house. It's a riches-to-rags story. It's got everything. Family struggle, class warfare, the independent woman thing. From there, I'll tell the story chronologically, or jump back and forth a bit. I haven't decided yet, but

LORELAI

No.

RORY

What do you mean, "no"?

LORELAI

No, I don't want you to write that.

RORY

You don't understand. Let me pitch it again.

LORELAI

I get it. No.

RORY

Why?

LORELAI

Because it's my life.

RORY

It's our life.

LORELAI

Yeah you write your side of it.

RORY

My side.

LORELAI

Yeah.

RORY

And who would I be talking to?

LORELAI

I don't know, Mrs. Muir. Find a ghost.

RORY

Mom, come on. I have to do this.

LORELAI

You don't have my permission.

RORY

We should go somewhere else.

LORELAI

The dead don't have ears.

RORY

But there are people behind us.

LORELAI

[sighs] Where is this coming from? What inspired you?

RORY

I was frustrated. I was talking to Jess...

LORELAI

Jess? How the hell did he get into this?

RORY

He was here visiting Luke.

LORELAI

Oh, great. I'm looking forward to Jess' take on me. That's terrific.

RORY

It's not his take on you.

LORELAI

Sorry, kid. Write about something else.

RORY

No.

LORELAI

Write about your relationships. You and Jess and Dean.

RORY

They'll be in it, too.

LORELAI

Don't forget to include Logan, the guy you just can't quit.

RORY

It's not fair.

LORELAI

It's my life, Rory. I went to all this effort for many, many years, making sure people only knew what I wanted them to. Now you're gonna put it all in a book? I don't want my mother finding out I left you in a bucket in a hardware store in chapter six.

RORY

Are you kidding me?

LORELAI

You're 32 years old. She'll still petition the court to have you taken away.

RORY

This is such an overreaction.

LORELAI

Oh Really? Do you know that your grandmother called you Susan until you were two years old?

RORY

She did not.

LORELAI

In fact write a book about that, a woman who leaves a baby in a bucket and her own mother takes her to court. It's a perfect Lifetime movie. Maggie Smith can play the mother.

RORY

Mom, come on.

LORELAI

You didn't think this through, kid.

RORY

No, I did think this through. I am not a kid. This was not a whim. I sat down last night and outlined the first five chapters just like that. That's a sign.

LORELAI

What sign?

RORY

That this is it. This is what I am supposed to do.

LORELAI

No.

RORY

I'm sorry. I have to. Without this, it's grad school or groveling for jobs that I don't want.

LORELAI

Find another subject.

RORY

So I shouldn't do something that could change my future because you don't want Grandma to know you left me in a bucket. That's what this boils down to?

LORELAI

More or less.

RORY

But you did leave me in a bucket!

LORELAI

You know what? Do whatever you want, Rory. You're a big girl. I can't stop you.

RORY

No, that's not how you and I work. We don't do passive-aggressive. That's how you and your mother work. You should be on my side. I need this. Can't you understand that?

LORELAI

I understand. I always understand. For the last 32 years, I have been the queen of understanding.

RORY

Mom, stop. Please, give me this.

LORELAI

I can't. Not this time.

RORY

Tell Grandma that I will check in on her later. So much for the happy news!

LORELAI

Hey.

LUKE

Hey. How did it go today? We're hoping number six will be the charm.

LUKE

What?

LORELAI

Ugh, no coffee?

LUKE

No, these people are getting ready to leave. They're not having coffee.

LORELAI

I want coffee.

LUKE

You'll make a pot and drink a cup. It's a waste.

LORELAI

I'll drink the whole pot.

LUKE

You're not gonna drik the whole pot.

LORELAI

So, I'll get a doggy bag and take the leftover coffee home. What's the problem?

LUKE

I'm just saying

LORELAI

Is the world out of coffee?

LUKE

No.

LORELAI

Is Colombia pissed over Narcos and holding out?

LUKE

Fine.

LORELAI

How much longer are you gonna be like this?

LUKE

What?

LORELAI

You've been grumpy for months.

LUKE

No, I haven't.

LORELAI

Yes, you have.

LUKE

Can we talk at home?

LORELAI

This is home.

LUKE

Lorelai come on. I'm just trying to work here.

LORELAI

Why didn't you tell me you looked for franchise locations with my mother? Is that something someone hides? I was caught out today. I don't like being caught out.

LUKE

Oh, you don't like being caught out?

LORELAI

Yes.

LUKE

Why didn't you tell me you weren't going to therapy with your mother anymore?

LORELAI

[sheepish] I don't know.

LUKE

Why'd you hide it?

LORELAI

I don't know.

LUKE

She hasn't been going for a while. That's what she said.

LORELAI

Yes.

LUKE

So where have you been? If you guys aren't doing therapy, where are you on those days, days you say you're in therapy?

LORELAI

I was still going.

LUKE

You're still going.

LORELAI

By myself.

LUKE

Oh, okay. Yeah.

LORELAI

You don't believe me?

LUKE

I believe you.

LORELAI

Uh, Luke.

LUKE

I don't know, okay? I don't know.

LORELAI

Where do you think I was? Having a hot affair at 10:30 every Tuesday morning? That's early for a nooner. Let's see. Who could it be with? Uh, maybe the morning food delivery guy? Or Lou, the guy who wears a wool cap even in summer?

LUKE

I don't know who that is. I don't know anything.

LORELAI

I'm not having an affair.

LUKE

Of course not. You're going to therapy by yourself. I mean, your mother dragged you into it kicking and screaming, but then you fell in love with it and you threw her out of the sessions. Makes perfect sense. Can I get you anything else?

MAN

I'd actually like a little coffee.

LUKE

Oh, for the love of.

LORELAI

You really don't believe me?

LUKE

I don't know what to believe.

LORELAI

You want to call my mother and have her confirm the story?

LUKE

No! I don't want to call your mother. I don't call your mother. You know, we struck a deal.

LORELAI

What deal?

LUKE

You've got your life, and I've got mine. You keep your crazy family away from me and I'll keep my crazy family away from you!

LORELAI

Really? That's the way it is? That's how two people who are partners are supposed to be?

LUKE

What the hell is this? What is going on here?

LORELAI

Why is everything so separate with us?

LUKE

How the hell would I know? You set it up.

LORELAI

What?

LUKE

Yeah. Our lives were set up by you. I just went along with it.

LORELAI

How the hell did that happen?

LUKE

I don't know. Ask your therapist!

LORELAI

My therapist is understudying the lead in the moronic musical! I'm done with my therapist.

LUKE

You set it up, and I went along, and that's how it works. Now we're in the middle of my dinner, arguing, and everybody's going outside with their food and drinks.

LORELAI

Where are you going?

LUKE

Where? I've got muffins in the oven at the inn for tomorrow because Sandra Lee canceled. Because she talked to Ina Garten, who said, "Don't go to the Dragonfly Inn. It's awful!" Sandra's had a tough couple of years. She doesn't need to be embarrassed by you! [Luke exits.] It's on the house tonight. Go! Go!

RORY

She was unbelievable. Right out of left field, crazy Lorelai face appears. I mean I've seen it before, but usually its when somebody cuts off her car or at a shoe sale.

LANE

I saw it once when Marla Tipton's mom called you illegitimate. She winged those brownie bites at her with scary accuracy.

RORY

A book. She totally freaked out over a book.

LANE

So weird.

RORY

She knows I'm a writer. She knows everything is fodder. Write what you know. You know what I know.

LANE

Lorelai?

RORY

Lorelai, yes. And me. And our life. I know that crap like the back of my hand. It would be so good but she just wouldn't listen.

LOGAN

[In his London apartment.] Hello?

RORY

[Yells]

LANE

What?

RORY

I just called Logan.

LANE

What? Why?

RORY

I don't know. [stammering] It just happened. Like a reflex. Oh, my God. This is what I do. I get upset and I call Logan. Well, what I used to do, because now she might answer.

LOGAN

What she answers his cell phone?

LOGAN

Hello? Rory?

RORY

Crap! I did it again.

LANE

Are you kidding?

RORY

No. [scoffs] Dial 911. I'm going insane. This is who I am now? I mean that person you knew in your youth, who was smart and together, she's been chewed up and spit out by this thing we call life. You'll never see her again.

LOGAN

What is going on?

RORY

Ah! Damn it! [Chucks the cell phone away.]

LANE

Oh. Look, okay, you need to relax. You want a Lipitor? Zach got some.

RORY

No, I don't need Lipitor. I need to be 20 again. You should have seen us yesterday. It was so awful. We were just in the middle of a cemetery, yelling at each other. There were mourners all around us.

LANE

Well, their day wasn't so fun anyway.

RORY

What am I gonna do?

LANE

Well, she'll calm down.

RORY

[chuckles] She looked at me the way she looks at Grandma. That hurt. And, I mean I don't know what I was thinking. I mean, of course she wouldn't want me to write about us. I just I couldn't acknowledge it because I want to do this so badly. I'm exhausted.

LANE

Hey.

RORY

Yeah?

LANE

Am I in this book?

RORY

Oh, don't start. [Cell phone vibrates.] Of course.

LANE

No, I got it.

RORY

No, Lane.

LANE

Hey, stop calling.

LOGAN

What are you talking about? She's calling me.

LANE

yeah well it's a reflex and we're gonna kick it. We've got Lipitor, so you won't hear from her ever again.

LOGAN

Lane just put her on the phone.

LANE

No, not gonna happen.

RORY

Lane give me the phone.

LANE

No. I'm protecting you for some reason.

RORY

It's okay.

LANE

Okay.

RORY

[To Logan] Hey.

LOGAN

So what is going on?

RORY

Nothing. Bad day.

LOGAN

Yeah, I heard about the cholesterol problem.

RORY

[chuckles]

LOGAN

Come on, Ace. You called me a bunch today and four times last night. You hung up every time. What is it?

RORY

Nothing. I had a thing with my mom.

LOGAN

Well, talk to me. I'm here.

RORY

I was just upset at her and I was needing to vent, and I realized I can't call you anymore.

LOGAN

Why?

RORY

Logan!

LOGAN

I gotta take this outside.

RORY

Because she's there.

LOGAN

Rory.

RORY

She's there.

LOGAN

Yeah.

RORY

That's why.

LOGAN

[sighs]

RORY

So, I guess we should say goodbye.

LOGAN

If that's what you want.

RORY

Don't make this my thing.

LOGAN

Sorry.

RORY

So that's it? We're breaking up. Except we can't break up because we're nothing.

RORY

[sniffling] God.

LANE

This adult stuff is hard, isn't it?

RORY

I wonder if the Thirtysomething Gang goes through crap like this.

TAYLOR

[On the phone] Lorelai, it's Taylor. You're probably not interested in the musical anymore, but out of politeness, I'm letting you know that Nat Compton and I went on retreat to Cape Cod last weekend, and we've come up with a new song. I'm inviting everyone on the advisory committee to come by Miss Patty's tonight and give it a listen. But please, please leave the 'tude at home.

VIOLET

[Singing] I know how everyone else's life is supposed to fly by, Then someone turns and says what about you? And I stand here mouth open mind blank.

VIOLET

This should have all worked itself out by now. The map of my life should be clear and precise, with little red dashes and circles so nice showing roadblocks and land mines. Oh, I am not unbreakable. I am breaking right now, maybe everyone can't have the dream, maybe everyone can't kiss the frog, maybe it'll be me and a dog and the little stuffed dolphins on the floor and a little dog door. Oh, I am not unbreakable, I am breaking right now, I need to be unbreakable, Somehow, It's never or now.

BABETTE

This is a cut.

GYPSY

What a bore.

LUKE

AND LORELAI’S HOUSE

LORELAI

Luke?

LUKE

In here! This shelf is driving me crazy. It wobbles. I'm just trying to shore it up.

LORELAI

Right, good. Um. We need to talk.

LUKE

I'm kind of in the middle of this thing.

LORELAI

I have to tell you something.

LUKE

Okay, tell me.

LORELAI

I'm going away.

LUKE

You're going away?

LORELAI

And I might be gone for a while.

LUKE

What's a while?

LORELAI

A few weeks.

LUKE

A few weeks?

LORELAI

Maybe longer.

LUKE

Lorelai, what is this?

LORELAI

I'm gonna do Wild.

LUKE

What?

LORELAI

Wild.

LUKE

I don't... You mean the movie?

LORELAI

The book.

LUKE

What's the difference?

LORELAI

The movie took liberties. The book is more pure. I'm gonna do the book.

LUKE

But what does that mean, you're doing Wild?

LORELAI

I'm going to go to the place.

LUKE

The Pacific Crest Trail?

LORELAI

And I'm gonna walk it.

LUKE

Or hike it.

LORELAI

Sure, let's go with that.

LUKE

That trail's 2,000 miles long.

LORELAI

I won't do it all.

LUKE

And it's a trail.

LORELAI

I know.

LUKE

It's outdoors.

LORELAI

I know.

LUKE

It's in nature.

LORELAI

I know.

LUKE

There's dirt, bugs, animals.

LORELAI

I know.

LUKE

Mosquitos, rivers.

LORELAI

I know.

LUKE

You have to carry your own backpack.

LORELAI

I know.

LUKE

By yourself.

LORELAI

I know.

LUKE

You can't take Dewey and Brandon.

LORELAI

Their mothers wouldn't let me.

LUKE

You have to sleep on the ground.

LORELAI

I know.

LUKE

You cook your food.

LORELAI

I know.

LUKE

You boil your own water.

LORELAI

I know.

LUKE

You get water from a stream.

LORELAI

I know.

LUKE

That's in nature.

LORELAI

I know.

LUKE

Well, I guess you know what's out there. And you're still gonna go?

LORELAI

Yeah.

LUKE

Why?

LORELAI

Because it's never or now.