Revival E2: “Spring”

LORELAI

I would like to say that I was wrong. And I'm very, very sorry.

EMILY

About what?

LORELAI

What do you got?

EMILY

Oh, good grief.

LORELAI

What? Mom! It was a blanket apology. I think that's very generous. Plus, it's retroactive. So, enjoy.

EMILY

A blanket apology. Claudia, is that even allowed?

CLAUDIA

Everything is allowed here. Feel free to apologize, scream, cry, complain, argue. Anything short of physical confrontation.

LORELAI

There goes my next thing.

EMILY

Did I not tell you? And now you've brought the room to a halt.

LORELAI

Like it was a Penn and Teller show before?

EMILY

Oh, that mouth.

LORELAI

Mom you were the one complaining that I wasn't saying anything. Without my mouth, how do I speak? To quote Alanis Morissette, "Isn't it ironic?"

CLAUDIA

Do you know what that means?

LORELAI

Claudia, let the record show, I broke the silence here today, okay? She wasn't saying anything either. Write that down in your scorebook.

CLAUDIA

I am not keeping score.

EMILY

But the apology was completely insincere. Put that in your scorebook, too. She should not get points for that.

CLAUDIA

I'm not keeping score.

EMILY

It's insulting to apologize unless it's for something specific, okay?

LORELAI

Okay, sorry. I'm sorry. Sorry. How do I get out of this?

EMILY

Lorelai, listen to me. We are here today so that Claudia can meet you and see the two of us together. That's it. Stop pressing.

LORELAI

[Sighs] Okay. How much time do we have left?

CLAUDIA

About 40 minutes. Psst.

EMILY

[Whispers] How much time do we have...

EMILY

Stop asking that!

LORELAI

Why, did I bring the deafening silence to a halt again?

EMILY

Just bring a watch next time, or an egg timer. Just stop bothering her.

CLAUDIA

Can I, uh, jump in here?

EMILY

Please.

CLAUDIA

You're not prisoners. Neither one of you. And there are no rules. So talk or don't talk. Because there's a lot being said in the silences.

EMILY

What is being said?

LORELAI

Is that what you're writing?

EMILY

Do we get to see those notes?

LORELAI

Who's winning?

CLAUDIA

No one's winning, and my book is confidential.

EMILY

If you're trying to read Claudia's watch, I'm gonna throw you out that window.

CLAUDIA

Well, ladies, I'm afraid time's up.

LORELAI

Yes! [Throwing her hand up in the air.]

EMILY

I don't believe it.

LORELAI

What?

EMILY

You ran out the clock.

LORELAI

So did you.

EMILY

Today was for you to speak, not me.

LORELAI

I spoke. You gave me credit, right?

CLAUDIA

That's not what I'm doing here.

EMILY

Fine we'll just have to start over next week. We're on for Tuesday at 10:30.

LORELAI

I can't make it.

EMILY

You have something more important to do?

LORELAI

Just my life, Mom.

EMILY

I'm sorry. I didn't wanna burden you with this, but I guess I have to.

LORELAI

Oh, boy.

EMILY

Your mother is in pain. A widow in pain.

CLAUDIA

I think that's a good place to stop.

LORELAI

That's a terrible place to stop. She doesn't get to go out like that, does she with the bazookas blasting.

CLAUDIA

I have somebody waiting.

EMILY

So this is an intrusion. Is that what you think? My big bazookas are intruding on you?

LORELAI

Mom.

EMILY

Doesn't it mean anything to you, that I am this raw nerve appealing to my only child to help me through this period?

LORELAI

So 10:30.

EMILY

10:30.

LORELAI

Well, she used that maneuver. Write that down.

LORELAI

Let's start with Swedish meatballs, then some Peruvian salchipapas and then Indonesian rice porridge.

LUKE

Head straight for the Norwegian stomach pump.

RORY

It all looks good. Shoot. I have to leave in a half hour.

LUKE

Wow-wow wait, you can't leave. I have to leave in half an hour.

RORY

Luke I have a plane to catch.

LUKE

I gotta get back to the diner. Who's gonna stay with her?

LORELAI

Am I four?

RORY

I can watch her if you need to go back to the dinner, but you need to be back in less than 45 minutes to relieve me.

LORELAI

I have been successfully eating by myself for five or six years now. Plus Gypsy's over there. She can watch me.

RORY

Oh, yeah.

LUKE

That'll work.

LORELAI

Oh, hey, guys. How's it going?

TAYLOR

It's a disaster.

KIRK

Some of our cuisines didn't show up.

LORELAI

You got a good turnout.

TAYLOR

We advertised an international food festival, all 195 countries represented. And a paltry 15 showed up. Kirk, what happened?

KIRK

Well, Guam had a last-minute parent-teacher conference, Kazakhstan had car trouble.

TAYLOR

I told Kazakhstan to get a ride with Poland if that happened. Oh, does no one listen?

KIRK

Bangladesh's kid has an earache, Chad has acid reflux, Brazil's niece has a soccer game, Turks and Caicos got foot fungus, and Singapore is just being a dick. Other than that, 127 countries never got back to me.

TAYLOR

People are going to have to expand on the cuisines they're offering. Grab your flags. I'm calling an audible. Israel, grab some yams and crayfish. You're also Papua New Guinea.

KIRK

Italy, add Slovenia, Tibet, and the islands of Kiribati. Let's hustle, people.

RORY

I'm gonna hang out in Korea.

LORELAI

I'm gonna get a cup of Kofi Annan. That's a little international humor.

RORY

Very little. See ya.

LORELAI

Ooh, this looks good. What's this?

LUKE

That's the compost heap.

LORELAI

Oh. I'm really hungry.

RORY

How's things in the Koreas?

LANE

Oh, and Guam and Bulgaria? Great.

MRS KIM

Move, move, move. Stop. Line up. Oh, hello, Rory.

RORY

Hello, Mrs. Kim.

MRS KIM

Uh, this is Mama's new choir. Fresh off the boat. I'm getting them ready for the circuit. Now, sing.

LANE

They sound good, Mama.

MRS KIM

Please, they suck eggs.

LANE

Language, Mama!

MRS KIM

No, I mean all they do is eat. Eggs, bread, fruit. The toilet paper they go through. I don't want to know what they do with it. Sing out, Louise Pang!

RORY

[cell phone vibrates.] Um Hello?

SANDEE

Rory Gilmore? Sandee Martin from SandeeSays. You get the basket?

RORY

I did. Hi, Sandee.

SANDEE

Those muffins? The raspberry? Don't you want to make love to them?

RORY

Multiple times, yes.

SANDEE

Now when am I getting you to join my team?

RORY

Sandee that's so flattering. I don't think..

SANDEE

No! This thing we've got here, it doesn't end till I hear a yes.

RORY

I'm just kinda busy now.

SANDEE

Of course you're busy. You're Rory Gilmore. But I've got plans to overtake Huffington Post in a year, and I need your voice at SandeeSays to do that.

RORY

Sandee, thank you. The site is really great. I just don't think I can devote the time right now. I'm on my way to London...

SANDEE

We'll pause. Talk to you soon.

RORY

Bye.

GYPSY

Small plates, high prices. That's just the way I roll, pal.

TAYLOR

Gypsy, whip up a quick poutine. You're taking over Canada.

GYPSY

Whip up a what?

MAN

So we have $27 bid on Cassie's beautiful basket. Do I hear a $28?

LORELAI

Hey, let's bid.

LUKE

Why?

LORELAI

Basket bidding was part of our early romance.

LUKE

Why would I want Cassie's basket?

LORELAI

Dirty.

LUKE

Dirty. I know.

LORELAI

$28!

LUKE

She doesn't want you eating her basket. I'm gonna stop talking now. We have a bid of $28. Do I hear $29?

LORELAI

$29!

LUKE

You're bidding against yourself.

LORELAI

It's for a good cause. $30!

LUKE

Okay.

LANE

Okay the tambourine is scaring them.

MRS KIM

They'll get used to it. Just like electricity at night.

RORY

Your mother is a woman of vision.

LANE

Always. Oh, hey, my dad's here.

RORY

Oh, hi, Mr. Kim.

LORELAI

Jackson.

JACKSON

Hey, Lorelai. Hey.

LORELAI

No Sookie?

JACKSON

Oh, she wanted to come, but something started sprouting from the steps to the backyard. She wanted to see if it was edible. I'm not kidding.

TAYLOR

[Out of breath.] Jackson, you're the Virgin Islands and Qatar. Burundi, I need to talk to you!

JACKSON

Do I want to know what that was about?

LORELAI

I'd stay out of it.

JACKSON

Okay. It's probably best.

PHAN

What's the big deal?

KIRK

What's the big deal? Do you not have eyes?

LUKE

Kirk, calm down. What is the problem?

KIRK

This man is the problem.

PHAN

It's a classic Vietnamese dish.

KIRK

It's pig genocide and nothing less.

PHAN

It's delicious.

KIRK

Do you wanna take this inside?

PHAN

What does that mean?

KIRK

We're outside, sir, so we can only take this inside.

LUKE

Calm down, Kirk. Come on, man. It it's not Phan's fault. A pig is food.

KIRK

Et tu, Luke?

LUKE

But I saw you inhale a BL at the diner yesterday.

KIRK

Yeah.

LUKE

A BLT is lettuce, tomato, and.

KIRK

I'm a monster.

LUKE

Sorry, Kirk.

KIRK

Oh, God. Oh, God.

LORELAI

Mmm. Mmm. I know I'm not the one you wanted eating your basket, Cassie, but this is really good.

NAOMI

Red and rashy. All over my chin, all down my neck. You can't see it 'cause of the makeup. It's this weather. Oh, one more, love. Are you good?

RORY

This is just water.

NAOMI

It's like winter is Hitler and my skin is Poland. Come April, my face is like one of Shakespeare's first folios. You don't have these problems, do you?

RORY

I'm lucky.

NAOMI

Oh, your cheeks are like two white apples. [Pinching Rory’s cheek.] Look at her cheeks. [Stops a waiter.] Tell me you don't want to take a bite out of those cheeks.

WAITER

I do.

RORY

Okay. So, uh, Naomi.

NAOMI

Yes.

RORY

I was thinking maybe we could talk about the theme of the book.

NAOMI

That would be me. I mean, I'm the theme, right?

RORY

For sure. But there are many ways to approach you.

NAOMI

I'm not approachable. Oh, it's my mother's fault. I hate my mother. Oh! Don't write that. Don't write that.

RORY

But I'm a writer.

NAOMI

Sweetie, you want facts. Facts are what you want. Well, facts are dull. [Waiter bring Naomi another drink.] Oh, thank you.

RORY

Well, not so much in a biography.

NAOMI

Oh. Well, let's not do that. A biography. Let's do something fresh. Like, uh. Let's make it a children's book.

RORY

A children's book?

NAOMI

It could deal in archetypes. A whale and a rabbit. One of them can represent me.

RORY

Are you the whale or the rabbit?

NAOMI

Mmm. I don't know. Thoughts?

RORY

Here's one. Uh, why don't we just focus on your story for now, and we'll talk about the whale and the rabbit later?

NAOMI

Darling Boswell, I do so want to be in sync with you. Oh.

RORY

Oh no, we are in sync. I swear. I I really believe that.

NAOMI

Aren't these glasses gorgeous? They won't tell me where they get them from. They're proprietary. God, I hate England. I'm voting for Brexit. It's just a protest vote. It'll never win.

LOGAN

A whale and a rabbit.

RORY

It's not funny.

LOGAN

It's pretty funny.

RORY

And she kept coming back to it, comparing the archetypes to characters in a play by Aeschylus. You haven't lived until you've heard a tipsy Brit pronounce Aeschylus.

LOGAN

Hey aeschylus is hard even when you're not tipsy.

RORY

It was like her lips were falling off. Try convincing her that Willy Loman is not one of the characters in Aeschylus, that was good.

LOGAN

Oh, well, I'm learning so much here.

RORY

She had five martinis. Five. She got there before I did. I don't know what she had before.

LOGAN

I've read about this woman. It all aligns.

RORY

I did, too. Her decades of breaking barriers and empowering women.

LOGAN

Her drunken, naked tirade through glassware at Harrods.

RORY

Halfway through her third martini, she asked to lick my juicy apple cheeks.

LOGAN

Ooh, do I want to know what that means?

RORY

My brain is fried.

LOGAN

Let's talk about something else. Oh, Conde Nast. Just got the message. Pushed again.

LOGAN

You're kidding.

RORY

I know I'm not their highest priority, but Conde Nast asked for this meeting. Months ago. This came from them.

MITCHUM

[Suddenly appears] Conde Nast? Procrastinators supreme. May I?

LOGAN

Help yourself. How you doing, Rory? Long time, no see.

RORY

It's been a very long time.

MITCHUM

I didn't know you two were still in touch.

LORELAI

Rory was passing through town on a job, and I begged her to have lunch.

MITCHUM

Hmm. Nothing better to do?

RORY

He did beg.

MITCHUM

What about Conde Nast? Are they dicking you around?

RORY

No. Just lots of postponements.

MITCHUM

You want me to make a call?

RORY

To Conde Nast?

MITCHUM

I can set a meeting, make it stick. It's no problem.

RORY

No, that's okay. Thank you, Mr. Huntzberger.

MITCHUM

So what brings you into town?

LOGAN

She's working on a book proposal. Co-writing with Naomi Shropshire.

MITCHUM

Naomi Shropshire? Have some hangover medicine ready.

RORY

She's a character. But that's what makes her unique.

MITCHUM

Ah, I gotta go. Um, hey, the party next week for your uncle. Is Odette coming?

LOGAN

She will be there.

MITCHUM

Gets engaged to a girl who lives in another country. Smart girl. And Conde Nast? The offer stands.

RORY

You're very nice. Thank you. I believe that's the first time anyone's said that to me. I mean, someone not sticking a shiv in my back. Ha-ha. See ya.

RORY

How did this happen?

LOGAN

It's okay.

RORY

He's seen us.

LOGAN

As far as he knows, we're just friends.

RORY

Of all the millions of restaurants, he walks in here? What?

LOGAN

Eh, this is one of the family holdings.

RORY

'Course it is.

LOGAN

Why do you think I sprung for the $300 bottle of wine?

TAYLOR

All the town fire hydrants will remain red in color until the county rules on our request to customize them based on each corner's individual aesthetic. Now, as some of you will recall, two months ago I announced that we will be holding the first annual Stars Hollow Gay Pride Parade. 2016 was the perfect year to hold it because it coincided with an important date. The 70th birthday of one Miss Liza Minnelli. That's Liza with a "Z. "

BABETTE

We know how to spell, Taylor.

BOOTSY

He's always been condescending.

TAYLOR

But I have to inform you that after exhaustive research and an informal census, we made a surprising discovery. There just aren't enough gays in Stars Hollow.

LORELAI

How is that possible?

BABETTE

We have such cute houses.

ANDREW

And antique shops.

TAYLOR

We asked for volunteers to come forward. So far the list is miniscule. We have Donald

DONALD

Hi, everybody.

GYPSY

Donald's a pro.

TAYLOR

Who will be marching with his chow chow, Sherlock.

BABETTE

Sherlock's gay?

DONALD

No, he's just my dog.

TAYLOR

Adele and Lois have signed up.

LUKE

[To Lorelai.] Adele and Lois are a couple?

LORELAI

Shh.

TAYLOR

Astonishingly, that's it. Now I have contacted some of the mayors of neighboring towns, to see if they would lend us some of their gays, but, uh, so far not a one has cooperated.

LORELAI

Ingrates.

LUKE

Is this really happening?

ANDREW

We lent them our riding mowers one year. Why can't they lend us their gays?

TAYLOR

Tell that to Hank from Woodbury.

BABETTE

Donald, ask your cute friend Cliff to march with you. Cliff would do it.

DONALD

Cliff is straight.

BABETTE

Get outta here.

LUKE

[To Lorelai.] Donald's gay?

LORELAI

Shh.

LUKE

[To Lorelai.] But I'm confused.

TAYLOR

So we're just stuck, people. Stuck.

GYPSY

Taylor, question.

TAYLOR

Yes, Gypsy?

GYPSY

Are you sure there isn't anybody you're leaving out? Anyone else who could march in this thing? Anyone at all?

TAYLOR

Nope.

GYPSY

Well, there you go.

TAYLOR

So, with apologies to Miss Liza Minnelli, we'll table the parade for now and see what we come up with next year.

BABETTE

Sorry, Donald.

DONALD

Oh, Cliff and I are going kayaking that day anyway.

TAYLOR

Now, on to our last order of business Uh, Lorelai, maybe you can pay attention here. This concerns you.

LORELAI

You've got my full attention.

TAYLOR

I believe that bag of Profiteroles has at least part of your attention.

LORELAI

Well, develop a creamy filling, and I'm all yours.

TAYLOR

Now, as many of you know, a big Hollywood movie is being filmed in our neighboring town of Woodbury. I lobbied to have the movie shot here in Stars Hollow, but Woodbury won out.

LUKE

Good.

TAYLOR

No, bad. Because all the big-name stars of the movie are staying in Woodbury, but my little birds are telling me that a bunch of B-level actors are staying at the Dragonfly.

LORELAI

[Trying to talk while eating a Profiterole.]

TAYLOR

What?

LORELAI

Yeah, so?

TAYLOR

We can't have Stars Hollow known as a place that welcomes B-level actors.

BABETTE

Who's staying at the Dragonfly, Taylor?

LORELAI

Guys, this is private information.

TAYLOR

Xander Sackovich. He's there.

BOOTSY

Who?

TAYLOR

Exactly.

LORELAI

How did you get my guest list?

TAYLOR

Dexter Schmid.

ANDREW

Now you're making that up.

TAYLOR

He's on the list.

LORELAI

Taylor who are your little birds?

TAYLOR

"Lydia Papadokolis, Tara Grabowski."

LUKE

Now what does it matter who's staying at Lorelai's place? And how is that any of your business?

TAYLOR

If you must know, our tax base is receding. Alarmingly. And it's the tax base that pays for gazebo upkeep, street sweeping, twinkle lights. If we want to remain a world-class tourist destination, we cannot lower our standards.

LORELAI

These are paying guests. Who cares what they've done?

BABETTE

I brought up a couple of their credits on my phone. Sackovich did Law And Order.

GYPSY

That's not very impressive.

BOOTSY

Yeah, who hasn't done the mother lode?

GYPSY

Tara Grabowski did an independent movie and a two-episode arc on Blue Bloods.

DONALD

Bit of a stretch.

BOOTSY

You can't call two episodes an arc. That's misleading.

TAYLOR

And are these washouts spending money around town? Adding to the tax base? I'm not seeing that.

BABETTE

They're probably studying their lines.

ANDREW

And having sex. They have a lot of sex.

TAYLOR

My same little birds are telling me that the A-listers are throwing money around Woodbury like there's no tomorrow. Matthew McConaughey buys three newspapers a day.

DONALD

I like that about him.

TAYLOR

And Jessica Chastain bought a full bag of assorted toiletries and two sun dresses. Money in the bank.

GYPSY

Taylor, you want a surefire way to bring in cash, open a bar. [Other agree.] And keep it open late. It'd be a windfall.

TAYLOR

We'll open a bar over my dead body.

BABETTE

Well then, why don't you just start taxing the Secret Bar?

EVERYONE

Shhhh!

TAYLOR

The what?

BABETTE

Nothing.

TAYLOR

All right. It's getting late, people. Let's adjourn. [The townies get up and start to leave.] Lorelai, at least find out if any of your B-listers are gay and if they're willing to march in a parade?

LORELAI

No, Taylor.

TAYLOR

I'm an island.

MICHEL

Where have you been?

LORELAI

At a meeting with the accountant. I told you.

MICHEL

Oh, that's great. I'm sprinting around like a madman, keeping this tiny place running, and you're off whooping it up.

LORELAI

Whooping it up? I barely kept my eyes open.

MICHEL

Hold on. These are heavy. [Talking to a male guest.] Excuse me. I know you're disappointed that we have no exercise equipment, so I ran home and I brought you some of my own personal dumbbells.

MAN

They're pretty small. I'm used to working with big dumbbells.

MICHEL

Yes. So am I. Excuse me. Lorelai!

LORELAI

Ah. What?

MICHEL

Have you looked these people up? They are B-level.

LORELAI

No. Not this again.

MICHEL

And the one with the skateboard? He doesn't ride it. He just carries it around with him.

LORELAI

I'm not listening to you.

MICHEL

And the girls all stand at the mirror, looking at themselves like they're God's gift, making it impossible for me to stand at the mirror and look at myself.

LORELAI

Enough.

MICHEL

And the boys all stare at their phones with their mouths open. They never close them. They all have stupid ventriloquist dummy mouths! [Lorelai pulls an upset Michel away from the guests.] And what is the mother lode? They keep telling stories about the mother lode.

LORELAI

Hey, what is the matter with you? You've been spitting nails all week.

MICHEL

Are you aware that the A-listers in this stupid movie are all staying in Woodbury?

LORELAI

Painfully.

MICHEL

At the Cheshire Cat. The Cheshire Cat. With their watery orange juice, scratchy towels and really stinky croissants.

LORELAI

Yes, we're better than the Cheshire Cat.

MICHEL

We are better, but they have suites. Big, comfy suites with soaking tubs and mini-fridges.

LORELAI

We hate mini-fridges.

MICHEL

Of course we do. But Jack Black wants a mini-fridge. Cate Blanchett wants a mini-fridge. It's Dexter Schmid and Lydia Papadokolis who compromise their standards and stay in our tiny rooms without mini-fridges.

LORELAI

Our rooms are beautiful.

MICHEL

But no Nespresso machines. Daniel Radcliffe likes his Ristretto in the morning and his half-decaffeinato in the evening, while he reads the papers he borrowed from Matthew McConaughey.

LORELAI

How do you know all this?

MICHEL

We don't have a spa or a gym.

LORELAI

We don't have the space.

MICHEL

These people care about their pecs and their glutes. They work them out. Then they want them oiled, rubbed and scraped. Then they like to sit in their suites and soak in their tub and have juice that they kept cold in their mini-fridge. We've peaked! Let's face it, we've peaked.

LORELAI

Michel

MICHEL

It's all downhill from here. Our destinies are set, and Jennifer Lawrence is never, ever going to stay here. And what's the point of living if we are never going to bag Jennifer Lawrence?

LORELAI

AND LUKE’S HOUSE

LUKE

Liz Liz, whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down. This is a lot to digest. Say that again? Uh-huh. [To Lorelai] You ready?

LORELAI

Hit me.

LUKE

My sister's joined a cult.

LORELAI

Which one?

LUKE

I'm trying to figure that out. [On the phone again.] Liz? Oh, hi, T. J. Yeah, what is the cult? Uh-huh, I see. No, no, no, it makes perfect sense. [To Lorelai.] It's a vegetable cult.

LORELAI

Ah. One of those.

LUKE

And they joined it by accident.

LORELAI

How do you accidentally join a cult?

LUKE

It's Liz and T. J.

LORELAI

Grab some wine. [Lorelai takes the phone.]

LUKE

Yeah, all right. Talk to my brother-in-law.

LORELAI

Hi, T. J. Oh, hi, Liz. It's Lorelai. How do you accidentally join a cult? Uh-huh. I see. Oh, that makes perfect sense. [To Luke.] They signed up for a co-op that has great vegetables, filled out the paperwork, signed it, and it turned out to be a cult that grows vegetables.

LUKE

They can't get out of it?

LORELAI

You can't get out of it? Got it. [To Luke.] Not for six million years.

LUKE

At least there's a cut-off date. Here. [Takes the phone.] Liz? Oh, hi, T. J. Listen, can I call you back? I don't know, sometime before the six million years is up? Will that work? Great. Bye.

LORELAI

Those vegetables better be fresh and crunchy.

LUKE

I don't want to talk about it.

LORELAI

Then let's not Here, sit. Sit. Got chicken scaloppini for you, linguine with meatballs for me and a hanger steak for Paul Anka.

LUKE

Hey, how was work?

LORELAI

Crazy. By which I mean, Michel is crazy.

LUKE

Ah, what else is new?

LORELAI

He's been on edge lately. He keeps says we've peaked.

LUKE

How have you peaked? The place has been booked solid since you opened. But it's so small. Just ten rooms and no suites, no mini-fridge and no room to grow.

LUKE

You don't need to grow.

LORELAI

Tell him.

LUKE

Why does everything need to grow? If something's good, keep it the same.

LORELAI

Yeah, but I kinda get what he's saying

LUKE

No, you don't need more. [Snapping]

LORELAI

Okay.

LUKE

Listen I don't mean to be so firm about this, but don't let a guy like Michel get in your head, okay? He's been complaining for 20 years. Let him complain.

LORELAI

I know.

LUKE

You want me to talk to him?

LORELAI

The last time you talked to him, he spent an hour in my office crying.

LUKE

Well, something good came out of it.

LORELAI

[Chuckles.]

LORELAI

AND LUKE IN BED

LUKE

[Grunts.] Hey, check on Paul Anka.

LORELAI

I'm on it.

LORELAI

Gotta go out, poochy?

PAUL ANKA

[The real Paul Anka.] Clearly.

LORELAI

You all set, bud?

PAUL ANKA

[The real Paul Anka.] All set. Squirrel!

LORELAI

You hungry, bud?

PAUL ANKA

[The real Paul Anka.] When am I not?

LORELAI

Then I fell back to sleep and the real Paul Anka serenaded me with a medley of lullabies.

RORY

That's very sweet of him.

LORELAI

I know. I feel weirdly bonded with the real Paul Anka over this. Plus it's my third dream about him this year. What does that mean?

RORY

Good thing we didn't name him Mickey Rourke.

LORELAI

Hey, have you ever heard of Dexter Schmid?

RORY

Is that a band?

LORELAI

No, an actor. Don't think so.

LORELAI

Tawny Shaverkian?

RORY

Nope.

LORELAI

Lynix Hatlestad?

RORY

Who are these people?

LORELAI

Actors staying at the inn. Kind of B-level.

RORY

That's mean.

LORELAI

That's what everyone's calling them. Anyway they bought out the whole inn.

RORY

That's good.

LORELAI

Yeah. But we should've bagged Jennifer Lawrence, right?

RORY

Why Jennifer Lawrence?

LORELAI

'Cause that's who you try to bag. She's the goods.

RORY

"She's the goods"? What is that, hotel lingo?

LORELAI

The ones who are here are B-level kids

RORY

Call them something else.

LORELAI

These younger, less-credited thespians, they all use their original names. No one changes them anymore. What's with that?

RORY

Maybe they like them.

LORELAI

Tawny Shaverkian likes her name?

RORY

It's not bad.

LORELAI

My generation, we got Natalie Portman, not Natalie Hershlag.

RORY

Someone's been on Google.

LORELAI

We got Joaquin Phoenix, not Joaquin Bottom.

RORY

Oh, you're making that up.

LORELAI

No. Who wants to see Virginia McMath dance with Frederick Austerlitz?

RORY

Is that Ginger and Fred?

LORELAI

Yeah.

RORY

You sound very worked up. Are you okay?

LORELAI

Michel's leaving.

RORY

No, he's not.

LORELAI

Well, he's getting restless.

RORY

Well, that's just Michel. Play him some Skrillex. That always calms him.

LORELAI

The Dragonfly was a dream Sookie and I had. It was a pals' place. And then she left, which sucked, but I still had Michel. And Michel He's for me what Paris is for you.

RORY

He’s your angry friend.

LORELAI

My angry friend.

RORY

He's not leaving.

LORELAI

How much longer are you there?

RORY

Not much longer. I'll see you soon.

LORELAI

Didi's not sick of you yet?

RORY

Didi?

LORELAI

British Didi?

RORY

Oh, no. Um Not sick yet. I do the dishes.

LORELAI

Oh, for Didi you do the dishes.

RORY

I have to go.

LORELAI

Thanks for letting me bend your ear.

RORY

Michel's not leaving.

LORELAI

Bye. [To Paul Anka the dog.] Oh, you'd look good in a suit. Yes, you would.

LORELAI

Well, I just wanna say I'm sorr...

EMILY

Do not do that again.

LORELAI

[To Claudia.] You ever think about putting in a salad bar? [Sighs]

LORELAI

[Singing] What a day!

EMILY

[Laughing]

LORELAI

[Singing] What a beautiful day!

EMILY

[Laughing] He did not sound like that!

LORELAI

[Normal voice.] Yes, we called him Trombone Stan. He did exactly!

EMILY

[Laughing] I never called him that.

LORELAI

[Singing] Hello, Lorelai. How've your grades been?

EMILY

[Laughing] Stop.

LORELAI

[Normal voice.] Fine. Pretty good, Stan. [Singing] Pretty good's enough for Trombone Stan.

EMILY

Really, stop! Stop!

EMILY

So that's it? Trombone Stan and you're out?

LORELAI

Not unless you want some Timpani Tom.

EMILY

Are you hearing this?

CLAUDIA

Timpani Tom.

EMILY

And you have nothing else to say? No outstanding issues?

LORELAI

Nope. I'm all good. You?

EMILY

As a matter of fact, I do have a few outstanding issues.

LORELAI

Poked the bear. Poked the bear.

EMILY

A girl gets pregnant at 16 and takes off without leaving so much as a forwarding address.

LORELAI

Oh, my God. Hornet's nest.

EMILY

Excuse me?

LORELAI

Mom, are we really gonna go back over this ancient history again? We've moved so far past this.

EMILY

Well, clearly I haven't.

LORELAI

But that was eons ago, and we've had so much contact since then, and you got Rory back in your life. Why? Why are we doing this?

EMILY

You asked if I had issues, and I have issues.

LORELAI

Really, a salad bar, a Color Me Mine.

EMILY

Here's another one. After years of absence, she deigns to come back into our lives when she needs money.

LORELAI

For Rory. It was for my daughter. And it was a loan. Ancient history. Issue resolved.

EMILY

She's hidden just about every relationship she's ever had from me.

LORELAI

Yes. Yes, that has been my habit.

EMILY

She's smarted off in front of other family and in front of friends too many times to count. It takes her days to return phone calls. I give her presents and never see her using them.

LORELAI

I have specific tastes.

EMILY

The maid once saw me napping, and Lorelai told her I was Bourboned up.

LORELAI

It was a joke. It was a joke.

EMILY

And never will I forgive her for that heinous letter she sent on my birthday.

LORELAI

Whoa. What? What letter?

EMILY

With the accusations, the profanity, the abuse. The letter.

LORELAI

Uh, that wasn't me.

EMILY

Of course it was. Who else would it be?

LORELAI

That definitely wasn't me. I'm not Edith Wharton. I don't write letters.

EMILY

Well, that's absurd. I recall it clearly.

LORELAI

You're not, 'cause it never happened.

EMILY

It was on my bed. I remember the envelope and the color of the ink.

LORELAI

No. Unh-unh. Look, I will cop to the other stuff, okay? Embarrassing you in front of guests, hiding my relationships. But I won't admit to writing some terrible letter on your birthday, because it never happened. It never happened.

EMILY

Well, I'm saying it did.

CLAUDIA

Ladies, I'm afraid we have to stop.

LORELAI

Mom, I did not write that letter.

EMILY

And I say you did.

CLAUDIA

Somebody's waiting. I'm sorry.

LORELAI

She's been holding onto this for years, and it's not true. It's not true. Mom, it's not true.

EMILY

We'll talk about this next week.

LORELAI

No, I You can't leave this room thinking that I did that. I won't let you.

EMILY

Give me my purse.

LORELAI

We're extending our time.

CLAUDIA

I'm afraid that's impossible.

LORELAI

Fine! We'll we'll settle this next week! Ridiculous!

EMILY

Lorelai, my purse! Lorelai, I need my keys.

RORY

Naomi, you're saying so many things at once. Slow down.

NAOMI

I'm British, Rory. We speak fast. Catch up.

RORY

Winston Churchill didn't speak fast.

NAOMI

Why are you talking about that fat poof when my whole life is falling apart?

RORY

You used to like my historical references. [to Logan.] She called Winston Churchill a fat poof.

LORELAI

What did he do other than save the world?

NAOMI

Who are you talking to?

RORY

No one.

NAOMI

Were you listening before? George is not returning my calls. He's not following my tweets.

RORY

I thought your boyfriend was Colin.

NAOMI

Oh, for the love of God. That was weeks ago. You Americans really don't listen.

RORY

No, I listen

NAOMI

I am on a ledge here.

RORY

Uh, wait, are you literally on a ledge?

LOGAN

What?

NAOMI

You see, I don't think you have the humor to do this book. You don't get nuance.

RORY

No, I get nuance.

NAOMI

And you flat out dismissed my whale and mouse story.

RORY

No, I didn't. And it was a rabbit, not a mouse.

NAOMI

No. It was a mouse.

RORY

It was a rabbit.

NAOMI

It was a mouse.

RORY

It was a rabbit.

LOGAN

It's the gentile Fiddler On The Roof.

RORY

Okay. You're right. It was a mouse. And you're the mouse.

NAOMI

No. No, darling. No. I'm the whale. Why in God's name would I be a mouse?

RORY

I must be mistaken.

NAOMI

I can't possibly sit with you today.

RORY

Okay, can we talk tomorrow?

NAOMI

You say that as if there is a tomorrow.

LOGAN

Come on the suspense is killing me. Is she the mouse or the whale?

RORY

It doesn't matter. Next time she'll be a mongoose, a pangolin or a fruit. It'll be my fault for not remembering. What did you think?

LOGAN

SandeeSays? Layout's pretty good. Design catches your eye.

RORY

And attacks it with pretty, pretty colors.

LOGAN

It's an interesting mix of sweet and sour. It gets a little catty and gossipy. But not that I don't like gossip.

RORY

Boy, how many steps down is it from the New Yorker, or GQ, or Huffington or Bazooka Comics?

LOGAN

A few below the first three. But, I love that they want you. Could mean they're looking to class the joint up a bit. [Kisses Rory on the forehead] I gotta get going.

RORY

Mmm, but you're my pillow.

LOGAN

Sorry. What time is your flight tomorrow?

RORY

Threeish. But, hey, I was thinking, I don't have to head back to the States so soon.

LOGAN

Yeah?

RORY

Yeah, there's nothing pressing. I could hang a couple more days.

LOGAN

[Sighs]

RORY

Are you leaving town? Someone's coming to town?

LOGAN

Kind of.

RORY

Odette.

LOGAN

Kind of.

RORY

Right, so I guess I'll go.

LOGAN

Ivy tonight?

RORY

Our traditional farewell meal.

LOGAN

I'll send the car at 8:00.

RORY

Eight is great.

LUKE

What is this movie?

LORELAI

[Chuckles] It's a weird one. Kind of scary. You'll have to hold me.

LUKE

Oh, I can live with that.

LULU

Hi, guys.

LORELAI

Hi, Lulu.

LUKE

Hey, Lulu.

LULU

So do you guys want the love couch tonight?

LORELAI

The love couch? Definitely.

LULU

Kirk and I have had some crazy good times on this thing.

LUKE

Too late.

LORELAI

Oops.

LULU

Have fun.

KIRK

Welcome, everyone, to the spring season of the Black, White and Read Movie Theater. I am pleased to present tonight's feature film, Eraserhead. [The audience claps.] Now before we start, the management of the theater is aware that some of you on occasion have snuck food into the theater. You should know that consuming food purchased outside of the premises is strictly prohibited.

LORELAI

Got it.

KIRK

Would it be possible to be more discreet?

BABETTE

No problem. We got some extra link sausages if anybody wants some.

KIRK

Babette, did you hear what I said about food purchased outside? I didn't purchase this. I brought it from home.

MOREY

Yeah, chill out, man.

PETE

Hey. Hey, Kirk.

KIRK

What is it, Pete? Talk to me.

BRIAN

I've seen Eraserhead, like, 27 times.

ZACH

Twenty-two times for us.

LANE

It was our make-out movie.

ZACH

Luke, how many times have you seen it?

LUKE

Oh, hundreds.

BRIAN

It makes your head leave your body, doesn't it?

LUKE

Oh yeah, my head and I take off and float around and look at the stars, and take a left on Peach Street. [To Lorelai.] Get me out of this.

LORELAI

Fries?

LANE

Mmm.

ZACH

Yeah.

KIRK

Okay. Now people, I have a surprise for you. Twelve years ago, I completed my first short film, I Love Your Daughter. It premiered at the Lake Chappapaqua Film Festival, where it won the coveted Good Try award. Tonight, after years of labor, I am happy to announce that my second short is finally complete. Roll it.

KIRK

[Film] Gorgeous day, don't you think?

KIRK

[Film] This pig is for reals.

LORELAI

Hey. That's my car.

LUKE

That's our house.

LORELAI

Hey, that's me!

LUKE

How did you not notice this?

WOMAN

[Film, whispers] Kirk.

KIRK

[Film] It's an omen. Petal, no! Poor Petal! [There is a car crash.] Petal. Come on, old buddy. Why won't anybody help me? Is the world so cold?

LUKE

Geez. Come on, people. Not mine.

A NUMBER OF PEOPLE

Not mine.

LORELAI

Uh, Luke?

LUKE

What? Oh, shoot. Why is this ringing?

LORELAI

Someone's calling.

LUKE

Nobody calls me at night.

BABETTE

Come on, Luke, turn off your cell. It's distracting. [dealing with the BBQ.] That enough, baby?

MOREY

That ought to do it.

LUKE

Who do we know in the 8-6-0?

LORELAI

My mother. [Shocked.] My mother!

LUKE

Your mother?

LORELAI

That's my mother.

LUKE

Why is she calling me?

LORELAI

I don't know.

LUKE

She never calls me.

LORELAI

Don't pick up.

LUKE

I'm not picking up.

LUKE

Why is this ringing so much?

LORELAI

Maybe because that's the same phone Alexander Graham Bell yelled, "Watson, come here. I want you," into.

LUKE

She left a message.

LORELAI

Here. [Listens to the message.] What? No.

LUKE

What? What?

LORELAI

That's not happening.

LUKE

What?

LORELAI

She wants you to come over for dinner sometime next week.

LUKE

Me?

LORELAI

Yes.

LUKE

Just me?

LORELAI

Just you.

LUKE

That's not happening.

LORELAI

She has an urgent matter she needs to discuss with you.

LUKE

What is it?

LORELAI

I don't know.

LUKE

How did she get my number?

LORELAI

I don't know.

LUKE

Why?

LORELAI

Why?

KIRK

[Film.] Why? [As the real pig runs into shot.]

KIRK

[To Lulu] We should probably paint that out.

LUKE

I guess I gotta go, right?

LORELAI

You're not going.

LUKE

[Chuckles] It's your mother. She'll hound me until I do.

LORELAI

Well if you're going, I'm going.

LUKE

Yeah. Okay, how about you go and I don't go?

LORELAI

Well, frankly, she asked for you.

LUKE

Let's never go into battle together.

LUKE

I know exactly how that pig feels.

LORELAI

Hey, was Michel in today? Did I miss him?

WAITER

It said on the schedule he's on vacation. New York, I think.

LORELAI

Right. A lot of hotels in New York.

WAITER

Hmm.

LORELAI

Thank you.

LORELAI

Hey, Rachael.

RACHAEL

Lorelai, hey!

LORELAI

How's it going?

RACHAEL

Oh, it's great. I love this kitchen.

LORELAI

Mmm.

RACHAEL

Sookie set it up so great.

LORELAI

Yeah, she's a pip.

RACHAEL

You know, I got soup and sammies for days in here. Try one. They're delish.

LORELAI

Well, if they're delish.

RACHAEL

You seem sad.

LORELAI

Oh, he's gonna leave.

RACHAEL

Who?

LORELAI

Michel. Have you met him yet?

RACHAEL

Oh yeah. I couldn't understand a word he said.

LORELAI

That's him.

RACHAEL

So, he's gonna leave. Why?

LORELAI

Because it's not enough. I get it. I've known him a long time.

RACHAEL

Mmm.

LORELAI

I was a maid first at this other inn, and I got promoted. On my first day, he was the only one who would tell me I had a weird stain on my Thompson Twins T-shirt and, by the way, I shouldn't be wearing a T-shirt now that I'm working the front desk.

RACHAEL

And you understood all that?

LORELAI

He always had my back.

RACHAEL

Maybe you're reading this wrong. Maybe he doesn't want to leave, and you're making yourself crazy for nothing.

LORELAI

That would be nice.

RACHAEL

Life has a way of just sort of working itself out.

LORELAI

Yeah, you're right. I should just chill.

RACHAEL

Yeah.

LORELAI

Thank you.

RACHAEL

You're welcome. Anything else?

LORELAI

Yeah, I have to let you go.

RACHAEL

What?

LORELAI

The pop-up's not working out. No one's eating anything.

RACHAEL

But they're not eating anything out there because they have to take their clothes off for that movie tomorrow.

LORELAI

Sorry.

RACHAEL

Okay, uh, I guess I'll just clean up a little and I'll go.

LORELAI

Take your time. Mmm, really good sammie.

LORELAI

Okay. This is the spot to breathe deeply. You may not get another chance.

LUKE

[Grunts as he breaths deeply.] Oh, God.

LORELAI

What?

LUKE

I swallowed a bug.

LORELAI

[Patting him on the back.] Oh. Well

LUKE

It's lodged in there.

LORELAI

Oh no. Well, okay. Let's do this.

LUKE

Okay. [Coughs] Let's do it.

LORELAI

Okay. [Door opens.] Berta! Hi! We've met.

BERTA

Hola, hello.

EMILY

Hello. What are you doing here?

LORELAI

We're here for dinner.

EMILY

But you weren't invited.

LORELAI

Mom, you left a message about dinner. So here we are.

EMILY

You weren't invited. Hello, Luke. Hello, Mrs. Gilmore. You weren't invited.

LORELAI

Really, Mom, work on your hosting skills a little.

EMILY

Well, you're here now.

LORELAI

See? A warm welcome makes all the difference.

EMILY

Come in, I guess. I wasn't expecting both of you.

LORELAI

I sent three e-mails.

EMILY

I didn't get them.

LORELAI

Well, I sent them.

EMILY

I don't understand e-mail.

LORELAI

What's this?

EMILY

Berta's second cousins are fixing my curtains. So much talent. Luke, you want a drink?

LUKE

[Hoarsely] Yes, please.

EMILY

What's wrong with your throat?

LUKE

I swallowed a bug.

EMILY

Why would you do that?

LORELAI

How about scotch? Feels like a scotch night.

EMILY

Coming up. [Door bell] Oh, now who's that?

LUKE

I'm not gonna make it.

LORELAI

Luke, come on. Remember your last name. Danes. The Anglo-Saxon word for warrior. It means that you're a fighter. You're a conqueror!

LUKE

No, it doesn't. "Danes" means, like, valley, or something. It's a farmer's name. My ancestors raised sheep.

LORELAI

Well, they defended those sheep with all they had. Hail to the Danes, brave soldiers of the sheep! Hey, kid!

RORY

Hi, guys.

EMILY

She wasn't invited.

LORELAI

Ah, this again?

RORY

Grandma, you forgetting. You said I could stay the night. I'm heading to Chilton in the morning.

EMILY

Your Chilton alumni event. Of course. I forgot. You can stay.

LORELAI

Jury's still out on me?

EMILY

You said it. I didn't.

RORY

[Touching the painting.] Hi, Grandpa. Grandma, are my boxes still in the guest room?

EMILY

Some. I gave a bunch of them to Berta.

RORY

What?

EMILY

I thought you said you don't wear that stuff anymore.

RORY

Grandma, my lucky outfit could be in one of those boxes.

EMILY

Well, don't worry. She keeps everything. Just go through her closet. She won't mind.

RORY

Thank you.

EMILY

[To Luke.] Bring yours into the study.

LUKE

Okay.

EMILY

Just me and Luke.

LORELAI

Protect those sheep. Defend those sheep!

EMILY

Sit. You ever been in here?

LUKE

Once. It's, uh, woody.

EMILY

You can still smell Richard's cigars. I like that smell.

LUKE

It's a good smell.

EMILY

Do you have a will?

LUKE

A will?

EMILY

A will. You need a will. If you go first and your affairs aren't in order, it all comes crashing down on my daughter's head. Do you want that?

LUKE

No.

EMILY

Do you know when you will die? Not offhand. Richard had an actuarial life table for all the family members, including you. A prediction of everybody's day of death. It's remarkably accurate. He included some close friends, too. He nailed Stuart Carrington's death within an hour. He was so proud of that.

LUKE

That's a great accomplishment.

EMILY

This is your file.

LUKE

I've got a file?

EMILY

You got some time left.

LUKE

Well, good.

EMILY

You're to use this information for your life insurance needs. Again, you can't leave my daughter high and dry. I'll photocopy it for you, and you can go from there.

LUKE

I'll mark the date in my calendar.

EMILY

Good. Now, next piece of business. Richard left you a sum of money in his will. You didn't know that.

LUKE

No.

EMILY

The money's in a trust account, to be used for a specific purpose and for that purpose only.

LUKE

Which is?

EMILY

To expand and franchise Luke's Diner.

LUKE

What?

EMILY

He even refers to it as the Luke's Diner Empire. So that's it. You're to use the money to build an empire.

LUKE

Uh.

EMILY

I've already contacted the best commercial real estate agent in Connecticut. Ida Friedman. She's a real shark. She eats real estate lawyers for lunch. You look stunned.

LUKE

Well, this is a lot to take in.

EMILY

Luke.

EMILY

When are you going to get moving? When are you going to embrace your future?

LUKE

Tonight?

EMILY

Good answer.

EMILY

Need a refresh?

LORELAI

Mom, where's Luke?

EMILY

He was right behind me.

LUKE

I'm right here.

EMILY

I need to check on dinner, set some extra plates. If you see Berta's sister Isabella, ask her to fill the water glasses?

LORELAI

Well?

LUKE

I'm starting an empire.

LORELAI

What?

LUKE

That word was in there. Bold letters, all caps "Empire".

LORELAI

What are you talking about?

LUKE

She wants me to franchise Luke's. Actually, your father wants me to franchise Luke's.

LORELAI

What are you talking about?

LORELAI

Luke, not gonna happen.

LUKE

I've got a shark. [Shows Lorelai a business card.]

LORELAI

Give me that. Not gonna happen. Trust me.

LUKE

[Sighs]

LORELAI

[Scoffs]

RORY

Say, I believe I recognize you from my school days.

PARIS

And I you. Good to see you, old chum. [They hug] Ah, Chilton. "I cannot remember the books I've read any more than the meals I have eaten; even so, they have made me. "

RORY

Oh, my God. Were we ever this young?

PARIS

Never. Oh, hey, it's Mr. Sanders from AP Physics. Hey, Mr. Sanders!

MR SANDERS

Oh, no. [He runs off]

PARIS

What's up his ass?

HEADMASTER CHARLESTON

There they are. Two of our finest. How are you, Rory?

RORY

Very well. Good to see you, Headmaster Charleston.

HEADMASTER CHARLESTON

And Paris, you're looking well, prosperous happy?

PARIS

How old is that drinking fountain?

HEADMASTER CHARLESTON

I don't know. Twenty years, maybe more.

PARIS

You know a drinking fountain contains more rotavirus than a toilet.

HEADMASTER CHARLESTON

This is the first I've heard of it.

PARIS

Chipped in $100,000 to the capital improvement plan. Where are the capital improvements?

HEADMASTER CHARLESTON

Your money was well spent, Paris, and appreciated. Come, come, we have some time. Sit with me.

HEADMASTER CHARLESTON

I could have coffee made if you want. Espresso? Cappuccino?

RORY

I'm fine.

PARIS

Nice machine, though. Real nice. May I ask...

HEADMASTER CHARLESTON

I paid for it myself, Paris.

PARIS

That wasn't necessarily my question. Can I use your john?

HEADMASTER CHARLESTON

Uh, of course. [Paris leaves the room.] There is no one quite like Paris Geller.

RORY

Agreed.

HEADMASTER CHARLESTON

So let's talk about you. Are you married?

RORY

Not yet.

HEADMASTER CHARLESTON

Good, be picky. And where is home?

RORY

Oh, here and there.

HEADMASTER CHARLESTON

A wayfarer. I read your New Yorker piece. I just stumbled on it one day. Such a nice surprise.

RORY

I've gotten a lot of good feedback.

HEADMASTER CHARLESTON

I've read of lot of your work. Slate, the Atlantic. I always enjoy it. Are things going well in your career?

RORY

Well enough.

HEADMASTER CHARLESTON

I'm sorry about your grandfather. He was a friend. I miss him.

RORY

Me, too.

PARIS

[Returning] A lava stone counter. French, right?

HEADMASTER CHARLESTON

It was there before me, Paris.

PARIS

I believe you.

RORY

[Cell phone vibrates] Sorry, I have to take this.

HEADMASTER CHARLESTON

[Worried] Oh, please don't.

RORY

I'll be right back.

PARIS

So, when was the last time someone audited your books?

RORY

[On the phone.] Hey, you.

LORELAI

[Therapist office.] Hey. I had a moment. I thought I'd check in. How's my little alumnus doing?

RORY

Great. It's fun being back here, and weird. The headmaster says hi.

LORELAI

No, he doesn't.

RORY

Hey aren't you supposed to be in a therapy session with grandma?

LORELAI

Yeah, but we took a break.

RORY

You're not supposed to take a break.

LORELAI

It was the therapist who wanted the break. [Emily and Claudia return.] Oh, gotta go. Bye, hon.

LORELAI

You smoke?

CLAUDIA

Uh, I just started again.

EMILY

Who was that? Luke?

LORELAI

No, it was Rory. She's doing her Chilton day.

EMILY

We were just talking about Luke.

LORELAI

You and Claudia?

CLAUDIA

He's your guy, right?

LORELAI

Yeah, he's my guy.

EMILY

[Chuckles]

LORELAI

What?

EMILY

I said nothing.

LORELAI

You said plenty.

EMILY

I didn't say anything. Did I say anything?

LORELAI

Oh, but you want to, Mom. Go ahead, get it out. It's in there, I know it is. Pressure's building, steam is rising.

EMILY

She's not married, you know.

LORELAI

There she blows, Old Faithful. Be sure to stop by the gift shop on your way out.

EMILY

She has "a roommate."

LORELAI

Hear the quotes? He's not my roommate.

EMILY

You share a bedroom.

LORELAI

Yes.

EMILY

Which makes you roommates with benefits. Booty buddies.

LORELAI

That's what we are, Mom. Glad you're up on the lingo.

EMILY

Anything more permanent would terrify her.

LORELAI

We are permanent. [Looking at Claudia] We're permanent.

EMILY

Hanging out is not permanent. Marriage is permanent.

LORELAI

"Marriage is permanent. " Uh, Liz Taylor just rose from her grave to say, "What?"

EMILY

Well, even Claudia just called him "your guy," like it's a beach blanket movie.

LORELAI

We have been together, steadily, for nine years.

EMILY

Luke hardly ever comes by the house for dinner. I didn't have his number until I got it from Rory.

LORELAI

You go through me to get to him. The system works.

EMILY

You've hardly even mentioned him in these sessions.

LORELAI

We are here to work out problems. Luke and I don't have a problem.

EMILY

My late husband was just as concerned about this.

CLAUDIA

Interesting.

LORELAI

Chalk it up to a serious lack of hobbies.

EMILY

That's why he set up that trust for Luke to expand his business, to give her something more permanent.

LORELAI

You don't know what Dad was thinking.

EMILY

Excuse me? I was his wife for 50 years. I knew his every thought. We shared everything because we were married. That bond got us through the tough times, too. The separation. Our marriage brought us back together for some of our happiest years we every had. What will get you through the tough times?

LORELAI

My Wonder Woman stamina and a box of Twinkies.

EMILY

You'll just find another roommate. Why not? That’s how it goes.

LORELAI

Can I bum a smoke?

EMILY

One of you will just shrug and think, "What the hell, I'm outta here," pack a bag and walk off, and the other will stay behind and just rent space to the next person, like it's an Airbnb.

LORELAI

Okay you know I have not walked out of any of these sessions, because it's super dramatic, but I think in this moment, it is justified, 'cause I don't wanna listen to this anymore.

CLAUDIA

Our time is up anyway.

LORELAI

What? Oh, no way!

CLAUDIA

It is. The hour's up.

LORELAI

Okay, well, I am walking out of here as if it is not over yet, so the intent is the same.

EMILY

Fine.

LORELAI

We're picking this up next week.

EMILY

Fine.

LORELAI

Tuesday, 10:30. I insist.

PARIS

Well, he needs to sign the sperm donation agreement today, okay? Then I don't want his sperm. No, I do not want his sperm. I do not wanna touch his sperm. I do not want to see his sperm until I get a firm sperm agreement.

RORY

We got it. No sperm. Wrap it up.

PARIS

I gotta go. I'm offline for 30. I'll check in later. [To Rory] See you afterwards?

RORY

See you afterwards.

RORY

We all have our proclivities, right? The things we loved before Chilton, the subjects we wanted to study. I had them. Literature, history. And I absorbed them. But with time, I discovered that it's the stealth subjects, the ones I discovered while I was here, that really expanded my mind the most. I love music. So I thought, "I'll take a music course. Composition and theory. How hard could it be?" Well, [Rory chuckles followed by the class.] It was a struggle. [Headmaster Charleston enters the classroom.] Let's put it that way. I had this notion that somehow my extensive familiarity with Nick Cave, and Radiohead, and a smattering of Stravinsky destined me for success. So I'll never forget the day that I realized my composition class required composing. [Class chuckles again.] But I did it. I composed the melody, I added the harmonies, I drew those treble and bass clefs, I wrote those whole notes, those half notes, those quarter notes, those rest stops, and while you'll never witness a public performance of my composition because of that experience, I can see music when I hear it. I only ever heard it before. And I'll always be grateful for that.

PARIS

It's kill or be killed. I'm not talking The Art of War. Oh, no. That's a tiptoe through the tulips compared with what you're going to find beyond these walls. Betrayal, deception And that's just in the bedroom. That was a joke. You were supposed to laugh. [They don’t laugh.] Now, I'm not in the habit of quoting Joseph Stalin. I mean, the man was a psychopath, and his policy of forced collectivization killed millions of his own people. But I found one thing he said to be quite inspiring.

PARIS

Well, hey, look at this synchronicity.

RORY

How'd it go in there?

PARIS

This generation's devoid of anything resembling mirth, but I made my points. You?

RORY

They're young'uns. That's for sure.

PARIS

You got time for lunch?

RORY

I'm starving.

PARIS

How about Steady Eddie's?

RORY

Or the Italian place?

PARIS

Is it okay if we smell like garlic?

RORY

Not smelling like garlic is way overrated if you ask me. So what do you think? The Italian place? Paris?

PARIS

Oh, my God.

RORY

What is it?

PARIS

Oh, my God!

RORY

Tristin?

PARIS

Get out! Get out!

PARIS

What the hell? What the hell?

RORY

Was that Tristin out there?

PARIS

Of course it was Tristin. With that pouty mouth, those liquid eyes. Who else? The janitor in softer light? What is this? What am I feeling?

RORY

I don't know. What are you feeling?

PARIS

I'm feeling fear and loneliness and heartache. Listen to me. I sound like a freaking Blake Shelton song.

RORY

Yours is better.

PARIS

My hands are shaking. My heart is pounding. God I thought I was past this.

RORY

He must be here for the same reason we are.

PARIS

And to hit on girls. You saw him out there, mackin' on that slutty biznotch.

RORY

Now you're just freaking me out. Calm down.

PARIS

And he didn't even look at me. Not so much as a glance. All my education, the advanced degrees, the academic awards, all my accomplishments The private club, the Pilates, the dermabrasions, the subtle nips and tucks, and I'm still just Paris Geller, the amazing, insignificant, invisible girl.

RORY

You've had nips and tucks?

PARIS

Do not abandon me.

RORY

I'm not.

PARIS

I'm pathetic.

RORY

No.

PARIS

Oh, really? Check out what's in my briefcase. Nothing. I bought it because I thought people would think I was important because I had briefcase. I'm a phony.

GIRL

[Outside] What's going on?

GIRL 2

[Outside] Come on!

PARIS

I'm still in love with Tristin.

RORY

What? No.

PARIS

Yes. No. [Panting] I don't know.

RORY

You are just feeling vulnerable right now. That's what this is. You're going through a divorce. You have your business, the kids.

PARIS

The kids hate me. They like the nanny. Last Christmas, they cried until she came. I don't blame them. I like the nanny, too. I cry sometimes when she leaves.

FRANCIE

Oh hello.

PARIS

Francie. Figures.

FRANCIE

What?

RORY

You're catching us at a bad time.

PARIS

Are you stalking me?

FRANCIE

Sorry, did I accidentally step into 2003?

PARIS

What do you need? Expanded lunch hours? Hemlines shortened to just below the hoo-ha?

FRANCIE

Should I get the nurse? Or are you and Rory in cahoots again, planning a get-together behind my back? Is that why you didn't want to get lunch?

PARIS

I did. We were doing Italian. We're having a bad day.

PARIS

You always tried to get between me and Rory, you destroyed my student council career, and you ruined my chance to get into Harvard.

FRANCIE

Paris, you're an MD, a lawyer, an expert on neoclassical architecture, and, I think, a certified dental technician to boot. You rule the world. What's your damage?

PARIS

Oh, you've been spying on me? Cyber-stalking me? How do you know all this?

FRANCIE

You invited me on LinkedIn.

PARIS

Yeah, right. Take a powder, Baby John. This is our turf!

FRANCIE

Sure. Fine. We'll just catch up at the reunion of the Puffs next month. Oops. No we won't, because you never got Puffed.

PARIS

Screw you!

FRANCIE

Eat me!

RORY

Nice to see you, Francie.

PARIS

I miss Doyle.

RORY

Calm down.

PARIS

I miss the sex. It was volcanic.

RORY

Oh, boy. I didn't need to know that.

PARIS

I'm untethered. I'm a mylar balloon floating into an infinite void, and I missed my last period.

RORY

You're going through a bad stretch here, Paris. Just slow down, reassess, then change course. It'll get better.

PARIS

Thanks for the cut-rate Confucius.

RORY

Hey!

PARIS

Sorry. I've got three meetings and a panel discussion at the 92nd Street Y, and I have got to get myself together because Lena Dunham's the moderator. She cannot see me like this. Don't tell anyone about the briefcase.

RORY

Your secret's safe with me.

HEADMASTER

CHARLESTON OFFICE

HEADMASTER CHARLESTON

Thank you for stopping by.

RORY

I wouldn't leave without saying goodbye.

HEADMASTER CHARLESTON

Now, I have a question, and there's a point to it.

RORY

Shoot.

HEADMASTER CHARLESTON

Have you ever considered getting your master's?

RORY

Why?

HEADMASTER CHARLESTON

So you could come back and be on the faculty here.

RORY

Oh. Wow.

HEADMASTER CHARLESTON

It's not a bad place to work.

RORY

Not at all. I'm very flattered.

HEADMASTER CHARLESTON

I've always thought the world of you, Rory. All of us here have. And your experience since you left us Top of your class at Yale, your writings. We have a spot open for you in whatever department you choose. English, history Uh, not so much musical composition.

RORY

Oh, well, then I'm out of here.

HEADMASTER CHARLESTON

[Chuckles] Thoughts?

RORY

I thought about getting a master's. Years ago. A PhD. But I was impatient. I wanted to get out into the world.

HEADMASTER CHARLESTON

Yes, you were always internally stronger than everyone else. I suppose you get that from your mother. She was a real spitfire.

RORY

Still is.

HEADMASTER CHARLESTON

We all go through bad stretches.

RORY

Oh. No, I'm not going through a bad stretch.

HEADMASTER CHARLESTON

Then my language was too strong. It's just that when I hear that someone of your caliber is living here and there, I wonder if I can be of assistance.

RORY

I appreciate it, but I don't think teaching's my future. But thank you so much.

HEADMASTER CHARLESTON

Come in! Keep in touch, though.

RORY

I'll keep in touch.

ASSISTANT

Headmaster, the students from Paris Geller's lecture are here.

HEADMASTER CHARLESTON

Bring them in. The Paris post-mortem. A headmaster's work is never done.

PARIS

Blow my colon.

RORY

What now?

PARIS

I left my glasses upstairs. Three flights up.

RORY

Well, so go get 'em.

PARIS

I'm exhausted from this day, Rory. I can't take these stairs.

RORY

So ask Clementina to go get them.

PARIS

No, no, no. That's how we lost the kids' last nanny. To those stairs.

RORY

How?

PARIS

This place is a vertical Armageddon. Five stories. And Doyle wouldn't put in an elevator because it'd ruin the building's architectural integrity. He just loved telling people, "It's pre-war. Pre-Civil War." [Scoffs] Like that wouldn't make Dorothy Parker barf.

DOYLE

Hello.

PARIS

Speak of the devil. So we lose our nanny because she won't take the stairs.

DOYLE

We're here.

PARIS

Meanwhile, Doyle's renting a loft in Tribeca. One story and it has an elevator.

DOYLE

Hello?

PARIS

[Yelling] Doyle, just come in!

DOYLE

I didn't know if you wanted me to.

PARIS

What are you going to do? Shove the kids through the mail slot? [Changes her tone as the kids run in.] Hello, my babies. [They hug.]

KIDS

Hi, Mommy.

PARIS

Now go on up with Clementina. I'll be up in a minute.

CLEMENTINA

Yes, miss. Come on, little ones.

DOYLE

Hey, fun day, guys. Right? Fun day? All right. Fun day. Hey, Rory. It's nice to see you.

RORY

Hey, Doyle.

PARIS

See, I didn't poison her against you.

DOYLE

I know. She and I e-mail now and then.

PARIS

You guys e-mail?

DOYLE

[To Rory] So they suck you into the Conde Nast universe yet?

RORY

Still working on it.

DOYLE

Really? You've been talking about it for months.

PARIS

You guys talk?

RORY

How's the screenwriting going?

DOYLE

Great. Just got in last night from a pretty big meeting in LA.

PARIS

Don't sit.

RORY

How'd it go?

DOYLE

Pulled in off of Melrose, sat on their Italian couch, drank a Fiji Water, pitched them an idea I came up with at the airport. Then they stuck a sack full of money in my pocket and flew me home first class. Bunch of nitwits.

PARIS

The kids ate, right?

DOYLE

They're eating here.

PARIS

There's nothing here, Doyle.

DOYLE

So have Clementina take them out.

PARIS

She just went upstairs.

DOYLE

She went upstairs?

PARIS

You were right here.

DOYLE

Why would you let her go upstairs?

PARIS

Because I didn't know she had to come back down. Now I have to go upstairs, tell her to bring the kids downstairs, take them out, bring them home, take them upstairs, and we'll lose this nanny, too.

DOYLE

We cannot lose this nanny.

PARIS

We're still paying off the last nanny.

RORY

Guys, I will take the kids to get something to eat.

PARIS

Really?

DOYLE

You'll go upstairs?

RORY

Yeah.

PARIS

And bring them down?

RORY

Yes.

PARIS

And take them out and bring them back?

RORY

Or leave them in an alley. One of those two things.

DOYLE

Thank you, Rory.

PARIS

Yeah, thanks, Rory.

DOYLE

Bye, guys. Kiss the kids again.

RORY

What?

PARIS

Are you and Doyle having an affair?

SANDEE

[Video Message.] Waiting, Waiting

LOGAN

Hey, there.

RORY

Oh, shoot. Did I wake you up? I woke you up. It's 2:00 a. m. there.

LOGAN

No, no, no, it's fine. I'm up. Everything okay?

RORY

Yeah, I'm I just um.

LOGAN

What?

RORY

I really hate to do this.

LOGAN

What? Come on.

RORY

Um... Would your father still be willing to put in a good word for me at Conde Nast?

LOGAN

Absolutely.

RORY

It's okay if he won't. I mean, I don't know how serious he was.

LOGAN

No, he'll do it for sure. He does stuff like this all the time for lesser mortals.

RORY

I really didn't want to do it this way.

LOGAN

Don't be embarrassed.

RORY

I'm not. Pride is a little hurt.

LOGAN

Get over it. I'll give you a text when it's done. Okay? Be happy.

RORY

I'm happy. Oops, hold on.

LOGAN

What?

RORY

Oh, uh I thought the baby was gonna throw up.

LOGAN

Your life change since I last saw you?

RORY

It's Paris' kid. I'm babysitting.

LOGAN

Did you find your lucky outfit, Ace?

RORY

There is no sign. Thank you again. And thank your father for me.

LOGAN

No problem. Really.

RORY

All right, well, I guess I should, uh, let you get back to bed.

LOGAN

Okay, I'll let you know, Ace. And... good luck.

RORY

Thanks, Logan.

JIM

She's great. She's depressing.

RORY

Failed to find a jolly way to tell us that the entire Pacific Seaboard west of the I-5 was going down.

JIM

I always like a spoonful of sugar.

DENISE

"Consider the Lobster"? It's a serious subject, but funny and truthful.

JIM

That's the camp I'd put you in. I mean, no one's David Foster Wallace, but there's an erudition to your stuff, and some whimsy, which I like.

RORY

I'll cop to that.

DENISE

Your Talk piece had it.

JIM

Yeah, it was great. And all your interviews are spot on. You're in the piece, but not too much.

DENISE

So, what are you up to now?

RORY

Oh, I, uh well, I'm here. Hello. And, um I'm just finishing up some things. And, um, I I'm working on a book proposal.

JIM

Oh, cool. What's the book? If you don't mind.

RORY

It's actually an expansion of my Talk piece on Naomi Shropshire.

DENISE

Really?

JIM

Wow. Interesting. Uh, she's a little unhinged, isn't she?

RORY

Makes her all the more interesting.

JIM

What else?

RORY

I'm heading back to London in just a couple days. There's a website after me.

JIM

There must be a million.

DENISE

So we have a couple things floating around.

JIM

Mmm-hmm. Some sports stuff.

RORY

It would be an outsider's perspective coming from me.

JIM

And we prefer that sometimes.

DENISE

And lines. That's been an elusive one.

RORY

Lines?

JIM

The ones all over New York. You pass them all the time. People line up for anything. Collectibles, fast food, restaurant openings. It's the psychology of the group that we're interested in. What's the commonality? David Wallace would've nailed it, but so far we haven't.

RORY

I love that. I'll confess, I've stood in a lot of lines, and it's a thing.

JIM

Noodle it around a bit, okay? And keep in touch?

RORY

Definitely.

DENISE

So nice to meet you.

JIM

Here's my cell. The Talk piece was great. Really.

RORY

Thanks, Jim. Denise. Have a good day.

DENISE

You, too.

JIM

Don't lose the card.

RORY

I won't. Bye.

JIM

Gary, bring the book in here.

DENISE

Art department's freaking out.

JIM

What else is new?

DENISE

Don't forget, you have that thing at Bemelmans.

JIM

Oh. That's tonight?

DENISE

Yeah.

JIM

Have Brad bring me a sandwich. I can't drink on an empty stomach.

CLAUDIA

Come in!

LORELAI

Sorry, I'm late. These drive-through coffee places? Love the concept. But Heather and I? We're gonna need to rehearse the cup pass a couple more times. Oh, my mom's late, too?

CLAUDIA

I haven't heard from her.

LORELAI

Really? She doesn't usually pick up the phone when she's driving, but. [Calls Emily.]

EMILY

Hello?

LORELAI

Oh, Mom, are you on your way?

EMILY

No, I'm at home.

LORELAI

It's Tuesday.

EMILY

I know what day it is.

LORELAI

Well Claudia and I are here. Just the two of us. The couch cushions are fluffed. The candle's lit.

EMILY

I'm quitting.

LORELAI

What?

EMILY

I'm done. I'm not coming anymore.

LORELAI

Why?

EMILY

We've had six sessions, and you are no different.

LORELAI

What?

EMILY

And that woman isn't helping.

LORELAI

Who, Claudia?

EMILY

She's a dolt. I don't need to pay someone not to agree with me.

LORELAI

But

EMILY

I'm not coming. Sorry you made the trip. Goodbye.

LORELAI

She quit.

CLAUDIA

I'm sorry.

LORELAI

She started this whole damn thing.

CLAUDIA

It happens.

LORELAI

I just... With no notice.

CLAUDIA

It's not unusual.

LORELAI

She said I was no different. Me. This wasn't for me. This was for her.

CLAUDIA

People have expectations when they come here. Very often, the reality is different.

LORELAI

What sort of transformation did she expect? I come in here Lorelai Gilmore, and two months later, I walk out Queen Latifah?

CLAUDIA

Probably not Queen Latifah.

LORELAI

Oh, she is amazing. [Scoffs] She smoked me out, got me here "I'm no different." Different? She doesn't even know who I am.

CLAUDIA

Are you.

LORELAI

Am I?

CLAUDIA

Staying?

LORELAI

Oh. [Scoffs] No, I've got a million things to do. [Sighs]

CLAUDIA

Oh, okay.

LORELAI

I mean, I should just go, right?

CLAUDIA

[Goes to sit down.] Well, the hour's paid for. Anything you want to talk about?

LORELAI

Uh, no. No, nothing. Wait, my mother's crazy. Okay, now nothing. [She sits down.] I don't know. It's been weird lately.

CLAUDIA

How so?

LORELAI

Uh, this whole thing was supposed to be grief therapy. You know, my mother's grief therapy, because of Dad. Because of Dad dying I get it. It was a stunner. It was a stunner for all of us.

CLAUDIA

Yeah, she talked about it.

LORELAI

It was just so fast. I was at the inn, working on the books a little, using the calculator on my phone and it rang. And it was Mom with the news. He was in the ICU. Heart attack. Big one. And we hung up. And my phone went back to being a calculator. It just seemed so unreal.

CLAUDIA

You can't plan for these things.

LORELAI

And he never got out of the ICU. He was conscious at times, but in and out. And he was angry. He was really angry. He couldn't believe it. He's Richard Gilmore. This is not how Richard Gilmore goes down. You know what his last words were?

CLAUDIA

No.

LORELAI

"Get the hell away from me. " Aimed at the nurses, not, not us. It was actually pretty funny. And then just like that. I didn't get that moment, you know? That Lifetime movie moment, "I love you, Lorelai. " "I love you too, Dad. " Mom didn't get it either. Fifty years. They were married 50 years. [Sighs] That thing she said last week, about me and Luke. About us being partners, because we're not married. Like we're a comedy team. Feels like it struck a chord. My mother strikes more chords than Esa-Pekka Salonen.

CLAUDIA

Hmm. Lorelai, you should know many people have full, lasting emotional relationships without being married.

LORELAI

I know.

CLAUDIA

Do you want to be married?

LORELAI

I've been married. You didn't know that. To Rory's father. It was brief. We have had a long, complicated relationship. And it didn't end badly. It just ended because it shouldn't have happened. It was supposed to be Luke. It was always supposed to be Luke.

CLAUDIA

If it was always supposed to be Luke.

LORELAI

Then why aren't we married?

CLAUDIA

Why?

LORELAI

I just don't do things like my mother. Dinner the other night.

CLAUDIA

What happened?

LORELAI

She attacked Luke.

CLAUDIA

How?

LORELAI

With a bag of money.

CLAUDIA

I don't get it.

LORELAI

It was money my father put aside for Luke to spend on something Luke doesn't want. That my father can still hover like that. We're happy. He's very happy. Luke and I are happy.

MAN

Thanks, Luke.

LUKE

Hey, Caesar, can you get 'em change for me?

CAESAR

Got it.

LUKE

[Looking at the window at Emily getting out of a car.] Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no. No. Please, no.

EMILY

Hello, Luke.

LUKE

Mrs. Gilmore, hi. What's going on?

EMILY

Luke, this is Ida. Ida, Luke.

IDA

We gotta get started. We got a lot of ground to cover.

LUKE

Started on

EMILY

We're seeing properties.

LUKE

Properties?

IDA

Three gems, an in-betweener and a dog with a price I like.

EMILY

Maybe we should drop the dog.

IDA

But it's close by. If it's the first franchise, Luke can zip back and forth.

LUKE

Zip back and forth?

EMILY

That makes sense.

LUKE

What makes sense?

EMILY

Are you ready?

LUKE

To do what?

EMILY

To see your potential franchise locations, of course.

LUKE

Oh, now, Mrs. Gilmore.

IDA

Call her Mom.

LUKE

Uh, didn't Lorelai talk to you about this?

EMILY

This has nothing to do with Lorelai. This is about you. Did you lose that card I gave you?

LUKE

I gave it to Lorelai.

EMILY

Really? Do you give all your important business cards to Lorelai? Is she your secretary?

LUKE

No, but I...

EMILY

Now, I'm assuming you have someone to look after the place while you're gone?

LUKE

Yes. Caesar.

CAESAR

Yep?

LUKE

Um, uh, can you watch the place for a little while, or do you still have that thing you were going to? You know, that appointment?

CAESAR

Nope, I'm all yours.

EMILY

Oh, good. He has a Caesar.

IDA

Caesar can run one of the franchises.

CAESAR

Run what?

IDA

You got any other Caesars?

LUKE

No, just the one.

IDA

You're gonna need more.

EMILY

Let's hit the road.

IDA

I gotta confirm all this stuff.

EMILY

Is that the shirt you wear on business outings?

LUKE

Yeah.

EMILY

There's blood on it.

LUKE

Nah, that's jelly. I'll be right back.

CAESAR

If I'm running something, I'm gonna need a raise.

MAN

Order up!

LUKE

This place is still open.

EMILY

So?

LUKE

It's not available.

IDA

Everything is.

LUKE

It's a kind of a bad neighborhood.

EMILY

It's up-and-coming.

IDA

It's gonna explode.

EMILY

See? Up-and-coming.

IDA

No, they illegally tapped their gas. It's literally going to explode.

SAM

What can I do for you folks?

LUKE

I'm sorry about this.

IDA

Ida Friedman.

SAM

Sam Duncan.

IDA

So nice to meet you, Sam. [To Emily] Sam is four months behind in his payments. The marshal's already sniffing around.

EMILY

Excellent.

LUKE

I'm really sorry about this.

EMILY

It all has to go.

IDA

The bankruptcy court'll take it anyway. He won't have a pot to piss in.

EMILY

What must the bathrooms look like?

IDA

Dresden after the bombings is my guess.

EMILY

It needs to be lighter. White paint, yellow accents. Oh, and look at that ridiculous clock.

IDA

Ugh.

EMILY

You thought the second place was a possibility?

IDA

But you'd have to blow out the back

EMILY

You'd have to. But permits take forever.

IDA

Put an Andrew Jackson in the right hands, they'll stir your soup.

EMILY

And Luke, are you good with putting number two in the maybe column?

LUKE

Number two?

EMILY

Number two. You'd have to blow out the back.

IDA

He's in default. He can't complain.

LUKE

Yeah, blow it out. That sounds good.

EMILY

Luke is good with number two.

IDA

Hold on. He'd be crazy not to be.

EMILY

So that's four possibilities.

IDA

No, three plus a maybe.

EMILY

When do you start negotiating?

IDA

Yesterday. Everything's a negotiation.

EMILY

Let's start.

IDA

You're in good hands.

EMILY

I think we can squeeze in one more place.

LUKE

Don't you have that thing you gotta get to today?

EMILY

What thing?

LORELAI

Your therapy with Lorelai? You don't want to miss that.

EMILY

Oh, I stopped that a week ago.

LUKE

Oh, right. Right.

EMILY

She didn't tell you?

LUKE

No. No, she told me.

EMILY

She never told you.

IDA

Oh, here we are.

EMILY

Oh, it's cute.

LUKE

It's shaped like a teacup.

EMILY

And it's near a prison.

LORELAI

AND LUKE’S HOUSE

MAN

[Viggo Mortensen on TV.] Just closin' up, fellas.

LORELAI

Hi. I know you're sick of hearing this, but this movie, History of Violence? Viggo Mortensen is you. He's totally you.

LUKE

I know. You've said it before.

LORELAI

Seriously David Cronenberg owes you money. He must have dropped by the diner, got inspired, and turned you into this ex-thug guy. He must have been in.

LUKE

I don't even know what he looks like.

LORELAI

Or maybe Viggo Mortensen came by Coffee! Observed you and called David Cronenberg with the idea. They're very close. You know what Viggo Mortensen looks like.

LUKE

Like looking in a mirror.

LORELAI

You okay?

LUKE

[Breaths Deeply] Yeah, just tired.

LORELAI

Wanna order in?

LUKE

I can whip something up.

LORELAI

All right, start whipping.

LUKE

Hmm. Hey, uh, how was therapy today? Same old, same old. My mother did most of the talking, as usual.

LUKE

Right.

LORELAI

It's a fancy shirt. Did you go to the bank?

LUKE

Yeah. Yeah, the bank.

LORELAI

They like collars.

LUKE

They like collars. All right, I'll get changed.

LORELAI

Cool. [Inhales sharply] Oh, I love this scene. But I can't watch this scene. [Covers her eyes] But I love this scene.

CLEMENTINA

This is Poppy Corn, and this is Taco Terrie.

RORY

Oh, hi, Clementina.

CLEMENTINA

Oh, Paris is not home.

RORY

Oh I know, she told me I could hang out here when I'm in the city. If you want, I could watch the kids. You could go rest upstairs.

CLEMENTINA

Not upstairs.

RORY

Or you could go out for a while.

CLEMENTINA

Okay. Thank you. Bye, babies.

RORY

[Answers her cell phone.] Hello?

ROBERT

Yes, I'm calling for Rory Gilmore.

RORY

Speaking.

ROBERT

My name is Robert Castellanos, an attorney representing Naomi Shropshire. [At Naomi’s usual restaurant with her.]

RORY

Yes?

ROBERT

This is just a courtesy call. My firm is preparing paperwork you'll soon receive dissolving the contract on your book project with Ms. Shropshire.

RORY

What a shock.

ROBERT

Excuse me?

RORY

May I ask why she's doing this?

ROBERT

Let's just say she's unhappy.

RORY

Let me save you some time. There is no contract. I was doing this on spec, so there's nothing to dissolve.

ROBERT

Ms. Shropshire would also like all of your notes back.

RORY

What notes? All she did was babble.

ROBERT

And Ms. Shropshire would like you to sign a letter waiving all rights to the "whale and mouse" idea.

RORY

Fine. It wasn't exactly the next Cloud Atlas.

ROBERT

So you'll sign this?

RORY

Yes. And it was a rabbit, not a mouse.

ROBERT

Says here it was a mouse.

RORY

I'll be sure to collect all my doodles of martini glasses and hangman ropes. I'll get all the blank pages to you by tomorrow. Just text me where to send them. [Hangs up] She's a drunk! [To the kids.]

JIM

Jim Nelson.

RORY

Jim, hi. Sorry for the spontaneity here and for calling your cell. This is Rory Gilmore. Do you have a quick second?

JIM

Oh, sure. What's up?

RORY

Give me lines, the story that's been floating around.

JIM

Right, we talked about that.

RORY

Yeah I have a take on it. A good one. Let me take a crack.

JIM

I'm loving the confidence.

RORY

I'm super confident.

JIM

But I’m afraid I don't have any money to play with here.

RORY

This would be on spec. Just let me at it and I will show you what I've got. No strings.

JIM

Do it. Dummy it up for me or come in and pitch. This is great.

RORY

Thanks. I'll call your office when I'm ready.

JIM

Talk to you later.

RORY

Bye. Okay. Okay.

LORELAI

Hi.

RORY

Hi! I called you from all my phones. Why didn't you pick up?

LORELAI

I didn't recognize those numbers.

RORY

Mom, you have my numbers.

LORELAI

You have, like, 14 numbers. I can't keep track. One burner is still trying to reach me.

RORY

I'm calling to let you know I won't be back tomorrow. Because I'm working on a story here in the city.

LORELAI

Oh I thought you were coming back and then flying to London to see Naomi.

RORY

I'm not doing the Naomi thing anymore. I've got a new thing.

LORELAI

So no more book?

RORY

No more book. Catch up.

LORELAI

Crabby Rory alert.

RORY

I'm not crabby. I'm pumped. I'm feeling my oats.

LORELAI

Share the oats.

RORY

It's for GQ.

LORELAI

Oh, my God, you're at Conde Nast.

RORY

No.

LORELAI

Still catching up?

RORY

I'm gonna write a piece that's gonna knock their socks off at GQ. Those are people who care about their socks.

LORELAI

They don't get them in bunches of three at the street fair I recon.

RORY

It's about lines in New York, about the people who stand in line for countless hours for what seems like minimal payout. It's about the people, their goals, their dreams.

LORELAI

I love this.

RORY

So do I. The Naomi thing was a waste of time, but I'm just going with the flow here.

LORELAI

It's always good to go...

RORY

Making things happen. Getting proactive. It's time to turn that corner.

LORELAI

I knew you could...

RORY

Turning the page. New leaf here.

LORELAI

Are you tap dancing?

RORY

And scaring the kids a little.

LORELAI

So, you're not upset about the book?

RORY

Uh, not in the least.

LORELAI

Okay. Well, do you want company?

RORY

Yes! Oh, yes!

LORELAI

Ha! I've been working seven-day weeks. I'd love a New York overnight.

RORY

Company would be great. I'd love company.

LORELAI

New York, here we come.

RORY

Be thinking about lines.

LORELAI

Like Scarface?

RORY

Wrong lines.

LORELAI

I'll adjust.

RORY

Gotta go. [To the kids.] It's showtime!

LORELAI

Oh sweet Jesus, it's early.

RORY

Don't walk with your eyes closed.

LORELAI

Trust me, plowing into scaffolding and falling backwards over the Citi Bike showed me the folly of that.

RORY

You're gonna be on New York.

LORELAI

If they make me look bad, I'm gonna punch Pat Kiernan right in the mansack. Is this Cronuts?

RORY

This is being hailed as the new Cronut.

LORELAI

How does the old Cronut feel?

RORY

Threatened.

LORELAI

What time does it open?

RORY

Not for two hours.

LORELAI

Holy spumoni.

RORY

I'm gonna start talking to people.

LORELAI

These are people? They look like meat sticks with head balls.

RORY

Do you wanna find some coffee?

LORELAI

Yes! Coffee.

RORY

No that way's the zombie McDonald's. Go the other way.

LORELAI

I would fit in there.

RORY

Too risky. Hit a street cart. I’m on it!

RORY

Excuse me. [Rory sits down on the sidewalk.]

MAN

Yeah.

RORY

I'm doing a piece for GQ. Would you be willing to talk to me?

MAN

Sure. I definitely have time.

RORY

What brings you here today?

MAN

Well, I love pastry. And I'm a big Yelper, so I try to get to things before anyone else. I was one of the first to try a Cronut, and it was kind of a religious experience. I went back a couple times, then a couple times more. Now I'm pretty much on the hunt for the next thing, which is weird, 'cause I used to be tenaciously old-school. Donut Pub, Peter Pan, Vesuvio's. I would make fun of people in lines like this, but I mean, why not wait in line, get a good treat, and meet a bunch of people that have the same...

RORY

What happened?

MAN

Don't know. You were out for a while.

RORY

I'm just really tired. Sorry. [Lorelai returns] Where did you get that?

LORELAI

I went around the corner. The chef guy was taking out the trash. I chatted him up, and I got him to sneak a bunch of these out to me.

RORY

You can't do that.

LORELAI

Why not?

RORY

These people will tear you apart.

LORELAI

I'm starving.

RORY

Hide that. Don't let them see it. I'm just gonna take a little bite.

LORELAI

Me too. Just a little one.

RORY

To keep my energy up.

RORY

So three of you work, you're retired?

WOMAN

And I'm too old to be doing this.

RORY

And you have three kids, so this is a sacrifice as well as the pleasure.

ODETTE

Everyone needs a hobby, right?

LORELAI

[Steps in.] Here.

MAN

Where'd you get a hot dog at 7:30?

LORELAI

The guy had his cart. It wasn't open, but I waved some bills, danced around a little.

MARCY

Oh, God, is it really 7:30? I have to go.

RORY

Before you get your Cro-dough-cake?

LORELAI

That's the name?

MARCY

Breaks my heart, but my boss is in today. Good luck.

LORELAI

Psst, hey, kid, let me hook you up.

MARCY

Are you kidding?

LORELAI

I don't kid about a Cro-dough-cake. Take one.

MARCY

Oh! Bless you. Bye.

LORELAI

[To Rory] What? We had extra.

RORY

I know there's a pecking order for tennis shoes.

MAN

Yeah, totally.

RORY

And these are out of a company in LA. What else is on your wish list?

MAN

I'd say any of the wear-test samples. Vintage but never worn. Those are impossible to find. My uncle actually has a pair of the original black and red Jordan 1s with the tag still on them.

RORY

Right, so these aren't for wearing.

MAN

No way.

LORELAI

Ugh, boy, does it smell like pot over here.

RORY

Welcome back.

LORELAI

Seriously, around the corner, it was like I bumped into a nine-foot joint. People in this line would eat that other line.

RORY

What do you have there?

LORELAI

Shoes.

RORY

What shoes?

LORELAI

The ones everyone's waiting for. They're pretty cool. I think they light up.

RORY

How did you get those?

LORELAI

Marcy, the girl I gave the Cro-dough-cake to, works there.

RORY

Of course. Excuse me, I'm working on a story for GQ today.

LORELAI

Is this our next spot?

RORY

This was not on the agenda.

LORELAI

We just happened on this line?

RORY

Let's find out what it's for. Excuse me, what are you waiting for?

MAN

I don't know.

RORY

Mystery?

LORELAI

Definitely. Here's the front.

RORY

Hey, so what are you guys in line for?

MAN

Nothing. We're just eating lunch.

RORY

They're not even waiting for stuff.

LORELAI

Should we tell them?

RORY

Nah.

LORELAI

Hey, these shoes are very comfortable. [Skipping]

LORELAI

So, what is this again?

LORELAI

Sad geeks?

RORY

Limited-edition toys.

RORY

Do you wanna say that a little louder?

LORELAI

Sorry.

RORY

It's video games, movie tie-in stuff.

LORELAI

There's nothing here I want.

RORY

Well you don’t come to shop, you came to hang out with me.

LORELAI

Mommy's feet are getting sore.

RORY

Mommy's been strong today.

LORELAI

Mommy is tiring.

RORY

Head back to the hotel, Mommy.

LORELAI

Really?

RORY

Yes, you were a big girl today.

LORELAI

I have some work to do.

RORY

Go do it, and take a bath and order room service. I won't be long.

LORELAI

Okay, good. [To the people behind them.] Ooh, nice costumes.

WOMAN

Thanks.

LORELAI

Hi. Did I fall asleep? I guess I fell asleep. Oh, great hotel. Great bed. No Lifetime channel. Good room service, though. Twenty-four hours. You hungry? Wow, you look weird. What's wrong?

RORY

I slept with a Wookiee!

LORELAI

Come again?

RORY

I slept with a Wookiee.

LORELAI

You slept with a...

RORY

Wookiee! Wookiee! I slept with a Wookiee! Don't make me keep saying it.

LORELAI

I'm sorry. I'm not getting this.

RORY

I was in that collectibles line.

LORELAI

Nothing good can follow that.

RORY

And I was interviewing people, and then, you know, the line moved up, and I kind of bonded with this one group, and I tagged along with them to P. J. Clarke's. We had burgers, and drinks, and more drinks, and then there was this guy

LORELAI

The Wookiee?

RORY

He was a guy dressed in a Wookiee costume. So he wasn't a Wookiee.

LORELAI

Got it. Go on.

RORY

He was nice. I was laughing. He was laughing.

LORELAI

They have that very deep laugh.

RORY

He was laughing in his own voice.

LORELAI

Mmm.

RORY

And then he invited me back to his place. And if you say, "Did you take the Millennium Falcon?" I'll smack you.

LORELAI

I said nothing.

RORY

I can't believe this.

LORELAI

Calm down.

RORY

A one-night stand. I just had a one-night stand. My first.

LORELAI

It's only a one-night stand if you don't see him again. Will you see him again?

RORY

He was wearing a Wookiee costume. No, I won't see him again.

LORELAI

That seems a little harsh.

RORY

A one-night stand. I'm 32, and I'm only now having a one-night stand?

LORELAI

It's your first one, huh?

RORY

Yes.

LORELAI

Wow.

RORY

Why?

LORELAI

I thought that's what college was for.

RORY

Exactly. I'm behind. I mean, how many have you had?

LORELAI

Wookiees?

RORY

One-night stands.

LORELAI

Oh. None.

RORY

None?

LORELAI

Yeah, none.

RORY

How can that be?

LORELAI

Well, mom at 16, for starters. Hot in Outlander, but elsewhere And I had you, and rules, and work, and rules. I had a couple three-night stands, if that helps.

RORY

Oh, perfect. I'm behind on everything.

LORELAI

No, you're not.

RORY

Really? I have no career, no apartment, but boy, oh boy, can I bang out a one-night stand.

LORELAI

You're too hard on yourself.

RORY

My love life is a disaster.

LORELAI

Did you not break up with Pete yet?

RORY

I'm not talking about him. I'm talking about.

LORELAI

Who?

RORY

You know.

LORELAI

No, who?

RORY

You know.

LORELAI

No, I don't know.

RORY

Logan.

LORELAI

Huntzberger?

RORY

You really didn't know?

LORELAI

No. Since when? Whenever I'm in London, I stay with him.

RORY

So there's no Didi?

LORELAI

He's Didi.

LORELAI

Logan Huntzberger. I thought he was engaged to that French heiress.

RORY

He is.

LORELAI

Oh.

RORY

They don't live together. She lives in Paris.

LORELAI

But they're engaged.

RORY

Yes.

LORELAI

And they're getting married.

RORY

Yes.

LORELAI

Well, if it makes you feel any better, that's way sluttier than a one-night stand.

RORY

That helps. Thanks.

LORELAI

Does Patrick know?

RORY

Paul! Paul! His name is Paul! And he doesn't know.

LORELAI

All right, calm down.

RORY

I'm blowing everything. My life, my career I'm flailing, and I don't have a plan, or a list, or a clue. This is karma. This is why Conde Nast will not follow up with me. They know failure when it walks in the door. I never found my lucky outfit. I needed it. It gives me confidence.

LORELAI

What is your lucky outfit?

RORY

Red dress, full skirt.

LORELAI

[Gasps] That's in my closet.

RORY

Are you kidding me?

LORELAI

No! It looks cute with boots.

RORY

Mom, you knew I was looking for that outfit.

LORELAI

Really? That red? It'll wash you out.

RORY

Great so not only did you steal my lucky outfit, you've now ruined the image I had of me in my outfit. Thanks a lot.

LORELAI

Come here. Sit. What is happening here? This isn't you. [Rory lies down on Lorelai’s be face up.] Panicking, lying

RORY

I didn't lie.

LORELAI

Ah, you didn't tell me about Logan. What's with not telling me about stuff?

RORY

I don't know.

LORELAI

What did you think I would do if you told me about Logan?

RORY

I don't know. I just I'm feeling very lost these days. This whole past year, it's like the ground's made of straw. I'm just gonna fall through.

LORELAI

Look, life has been pretty good to you so far. It was your turn for a few curveballs. Peaks and valleys, kid. The older you get, the more you have.

RORY

That whole line story was so stupid. I did it because they thought it was interesting. I didn't have a beat on it. I didn't feel it. I'm just a big, fat, Wookiee-humping loser with no future.

LORELAI

Honey wait. What about that website? The one that's been after you forever, begging you to come work for them? BrendaBlabs?

RORY

SandeeSays.

LORELAI

Go there.

RORY

Have you seen it?

LORELAI

Who cares? Go. Work. Be wanted. Be adored. So it's not the Washington Post. You're young, You’ve got time.

RORY

I'm not so young.

LORELAI

Hey! I'm young. You're young. Case closed.

RORY

Yeah.

LORELAI

Give them a call. You haven't had anything steady in forever. Stay in one place for a while. Plus they've been stalking you. That feels good a little, doesn't it?

RORY

Yeah. It's flattering.

LORELAI

So, give them a call.

RORY

I will give them a call.

LORELAI

Want me to order some comfort food? Some pot roast, mashed potatoes, banana split?

RORY

Sure. I'm gonna take a shower, get the Wookiee smell off me.

LORELAI

[Gasps] Wait wait, seriously. Did he leave the outfit on?

RORY

That's a conversation for another day.

LORELAI

Can that day be tomorrow? Because you don't leave me and my imagination alone with that information for too long!

RORY

Order!

SANDEE

Here we are, the nerve center.

RORY

Very cool. Simple.

SANDEE

Oh, we don't decorate much. We're expanding so fast, there's no reason to. We'll outgrow this place within a month. I don't waste money. My CFO appreciates it. Say hello to her. This is Patrice.

PATRICE

Hi.

SANDEE

Patrice. Rory Gilmore. The one I was telling you about. We have no individual offices. Not even me. We work best in a hive, buzzing around each other, making word honey.

RORY

Interesting.

SANDEE

When you come in, you grab the nearest spot at the communal table. No hierarchy.

RORY

And together we storm the barricades.

SANDEE

Exactly.

RORY

Uh, so I didn't know I'd be getting a tour from Sandee herself. I thought my first stop would be HR.

SANDEE

Oh, HR still means homeroom to half the peeps here. We don't even have it. Come, sit.

RORY

Okay.

SANDEE

[To someone else] Need Red Bull.

SANDEE

So, let's do this.

RORY

Yes. That is why I'm here. Should I have brought my laptop?

SANDEE

Well, first things first. If I take a chance on Rory Gilmore, what am I getting?

RORY

What?

SANDEE

If I hire you, tell me what Rory Gilmore would write about for SandeeSays.

RORY

Oh. If I worked here?

SANDEE

Sell me.

RORY

Sell? Okay, we're selling. Um That's a totally different outfit.

SANDEE

Hmm?

RORY

Um, if I worked here, you'd be getting the person who wrote the New Yorker article you liked.

SANDEE

Yeah, but that's the New Yorker. We're not the New Yorker. Look around, everyone's got their hair.

RORY

Oh, right. Um, sorry. I just didn't have a pitch prepared.

SANDEE

That's a little weird. Thought you'd bring some ideas.

RORY

Don't get me wrong. I have ideas.

SANDEE

Like?

RORY

Um, stuff about the world, uh culture.

SANDEE

Pretty generic. You got anything specific?

RORY

You want specifics.

SANDEE

I'd love some.

RORY

Well, let's see. There could be something in, um, girls who go to Comic-Con type things and sleep with characters. Character-loving girls.

SANDEE

That sounds obscure. Very made-up.

RORY

Yes, it does.

SANDEE

So you're talking about loser girls. Like, they get drunk and they do something stupid. We've done that story a bunch of times. Different takes on it. I thought you knew our site.

RORY

Oh, I do. And you're right. I wouldn't want to repeat that.

SANDEE

Oh, shoot. Ugh, I've just been called into an emergency meeting.

RORY

Hello?

SANDEE

So, hi, it's Sandee.

RORY

Hello.

SANDEE

Really appreciate you coming in for the job, but I've decided we're gonna go internal.

RORY

What?

SANDEE

On the staff-writing job, we're going with one of our veterans, Kaitlynn. She's been here two months.

RORY

But it's an editing job.

SANDEE

Oh, wow, no. We're really picky about those.

RORY

You basically promised me the job.

SANDEE

You were a candidate.

RORY

What about "we gotta have Rory Gilmore's voice at SandeeSays"? You've been telling me that for a year.

SANDEE

I think Kaitlynn's going to be that.

RORY

So Kaitlynn is going to be the voice of Rory Gilmore? Are you high?

SANDEE

Don't be hostile.

RORY

I'm just a little pissed here.

SANDEE

I get it. You got your hopes up.

RORY

No, you got my hopes up. For a job that I didn't even want.

SANDEE

Oh, real nice. So you just felt like wasting my time.

RORY

No, you wasted my time.

SANDEE

Hey, I'm the CEO here. My time's a little more valuable. And another thing. It's weird that you have three different cell numbers. Super weird.

RORY

It's not. One is a work-only phone. The other's family-only, except when I'm in Stars Hollow and there's no reception, so I use the family phone for work. The other one is for friends, and work when it's overcast in Stars Hollow and the others don't work!

SANDEE

Get a better phone!

RORY

Get a better office!

SANDEE

Get a better attitude!

RORY

A better life!

SANDEE

Get lost!

RORY

[Flustered] Get shorty!

LORELAI

AND LUKE’S HOUSE

RORY

[Panting.] Moving home!