Revival E1: “Winter”

LORELAI

Please, Luke. Please, please, please.

LUKE

How many cups have you had this morning?

LORELAI

None.

LUKE

Plus?

LORELAI

Five, but yours is better.

RORY

I got a kissed. And I shoplifted.

EMILY

Honestly, Lorelai, it's not your looks that keep them away. Think about that.

RICHARD

People die, we pay. People crash cars, we pay. People lose a foot, we pay.

LORELAI

At least you have your new slogan.

RORY

Did you do something slutty?

LORELAI

I'm not that happy.

MICHEL

People are particularly stupid today.

LORELAI

Copper boom!

SOOKIE

Norman Mailer, I'm pregnant!

RORY

Luke can waltz?

LORELAI

Luke can waltz.

LUKE

I just want you to know I'm in. I am all in.

LORELAI

It'd be like the first 15 minutes of Saving Private Ryan, but at least those guys got to be in France.

PARIS

I am not going to Harvard. I had sex, but I'm not going to Harvard!

LORELAI

I stopped being a child the minute the strip turned pink.

RORY

You jump, I jump, Jack.

LANE

Eternal damnation is what I'm risking for my rock and roll.

LORELAI

Oy with the poodles already.

RORY

Because I love you, you idiot.

LORELAI

I smell snow.

RORY

Hey!

LORELAI

[gasps] That's how you look when you get off a plane?

RORY

That's how you say hello?

LORELAI

You've been stuffed in a tin can for seven hours surrounded by people with consumption, diphtheria, scabies, hummus dip, rabid dogs, drugged up children attacking your chair, stealing your change.

RORY

What airline are you flying?

LORELAI

You should look drawn and blotchy. You should be singing "I Dreamed a Dream" with a bad haircut while selling yourself to a bunch of French dockworkers. Instead, you look perfect. Admit it. You've been gooped.

RORY

I have not been gooped.

LORELAI

You're doing yoga in the aisles in cashmere sweatpants while your comfort dog watches Zoolander 2 on his watch.

RORY

I do blood clot prevention foot pumps wearing my Yonah Schimmel Knishery baseball cap while toothpaste dries up a zit on my chin. [sighs] Wow! Winded!

LORELAI

Haven't done that for a while.

RORY

Felt good.

LORELAI

[chuckles] I've missed you, kid.

RORY

Missed you, too.

LORELAI

How long's it been?

RORY

Feels like years.

LORELAI

[sighs] Coffee and tacos.

RORY

Princess Charlotte iced teaspoons.

LORELAI

Mmm! All right, shall we get it out of the way?

RORY

Might as well.

LORELAI

One day? That's all?

RORY

I'm sorry!

LORELAI

You miss Christmas and Thanksgiving and all I get is a one day visit? What am I, chopped liver?

RORY

I have to be on the red eye to London tomorrow.

LORELAI

London again.

RORY

For work.

LORELAI

[Singing] And the cat's in the cradle And the silver spoon.

RORY

Oh, now, Emily.

LORELAI

Oh, wow! Nicely played. All right, you win. So we have limited time. Should we skip the town tour?

RORY

We can't skip the town tour.

LORELAI

Well, we'll keep it short. Le Chat Club closed due to rats.

RORY

Again?

LORELAI

We got parking meters.

RORY

Where?

LORELAI

No one would pay so they took them out.

RORY

This town is mob ruled.

LORELAI

Al's Pancake World won best Christmas decorations again.

RORY

It's that nativity scene with eggplant Jesus. You can't beat it.

LORELAI

There's a debate about taking the phone booth out.

RORY

Where would Superman change when he comes to save our town from Ben Affleck?

LORELAI

I made the same excellent point.

RORY

What's with the signs?

LORELAI

Ooh, I saved the best for last. Taylor has decided that septic systems are beneath us and he wants to go full on sewer.

RORY

How can we do that?

LORELAI

He's going door to door collecting people's septic tank horror stories.

RORY

Oh, Lord!

LORELAI

Then, he'll compile them, then he and a panel will stage testimonial re-enactments for the county assessor.

RORY

Are you telling me this to get me to stay longer?

LORELAI

Is it working?

RORY

Kind of. [Across the street] Hi, Miss Patty!

MISS PATTY

Rory! You look fabulous!

LORELAI

She just got off a plane!

RORY

Oh! That's my work phone.

LORELAI

It's not ringing.

RORY

Yeah, I know.

LORELAI

It's not ringing, either.

RORY

I know.

LORELAI

You've got more burners than Omar Little.

RORY

I got a personal phone, a work phone, and the phone that gets reception in Stars Hollow. Theoretically.

LORELAI

The fact that the entire town was actually constructed in a giant snow globe probably has an effect on your bar count.

RORY

Ha! [sighs] Hello? Hello? Um... [sighs] Damn! Hello? [Starts walking, Lorelai following.] You're breaking up. Oh, come on. Hello? [grunts] Hold on! Hello? Crap! Hello? Hi, can you hear me now? Can you hear me Yes! Hi! Great! Um, so, how are you? Hello? [groans] I'm heading to the trees! I'm... I'm heading to the trees. Okay, I'm at the trees. Hello? Hello? I'm gonna try Doose's. You coming?

LORELAI

Nah! I just hit my steps. Okay.

RORY

Um, hello? Are you still there? Okay, flip phone!

RORY

Hi! Sorry, it's Rory Gilmore again. I think Ingrid just Hello? Hello? [sighs] Hello? Crap! Hello? Hello? [Steps onto a box] Oh, yes! Sure, she can. Okay, on this number, please. Thank you.

LANE

Rory!

RORY

Hey!

LANE

I didn't know you were coming in today. Oh, it's just a super quick in and out.

WOMAN

Cabbage.

RORY

What? Oh. [Tosses the woman one] Come again. [Steps down] Um, so tell me, what is going on with you?

LANE

Oh, you don't wanna know.

RORY

Uh oh.

LANE

Yeah, Zach got a promotion.

RORY

My God! Why?

LANE

I don't know. I think they like him.

RORY

Poor guy.

LANE

Yeah, he's a route supervisor now. Has to wear a tie.

RORY

I'm so sorry.

LANE

[sighs] It's fairly devastating. I tell him he looks like a young Leonard Cohen, but he looks like his dad.

RORY

[cell phone vibrates] Sorry.

LANE

Yeah.

RORY

[Steps onto the box again.] Hello? Oh, Ingrid. Finally!

RORY

It's so good to finally connect.

KIRK

Lorelai, I'm glad I ran into you.

LORELAI

Your house is that way, Kirk.

KIRK

I did not get lost again. I wanted you to know that I've started a new business. It's a ride share business. I call it Ööö ber.

LORELAI

Uh oh. There's already an Uber, Kirk.

KIRK

No, not Uber. Ööö ber. Three "O's" instead of a "U."

LORELAI

Okay, but it's, uh...

KIRK

Ööö ber.

LORELAI

Right. But it's the...

KIRK

Ööö ber. It's a service where people can request a ride and I will pick them up.

LORELAI

Like Uber.

KIRK

Except it's Ööö ber.

LORELAI

It's the same thing.

KIRK

No, it's not.

LORELAI

Kirk. [chuckles] People use an app to call a car.

KIRK

I have no app.

LORELAI

Then how do they get a car?

KIRK

They call my mother, she calls me, I find a car and I pick them up.

LORELAI

So it's a much worse version of Uber.

KIRK

And it's pronounced Ööö ber.

LORELAI

Stop making that sound.

KIRK

All right. You've got my mom's number. Now if you'll excuse me... [pig oinks as Kirk picks her up.] it is past Petal's bedtime.

LORELAI

Bye, Petal.

RORY

When did Kirk get a pig?

LORELAI

Babette heard him and Lulu talking about having a baby, so the whole town chipped in. Figure it bought us a couple of years.

RORY

Very smart.

LORELAI

Ready?

RORY

Hold on. I'm not really home till I get my Stars Hollow Gazette.

LORELAI

Christmas edition.

RORY

Manger news, Santa's wishes, eggnog checkpoints, and... the Christmas poem. Same one every year.

LORELAI

Every single year.

RORY

So good to be home. What?

LORELAI

[sniffs and sighs] I smell snow. [It starts snowing.]

LORELAI

Got it?

RORY

Yup.

LORELAI

Are you sure?

RORY

Oh, yes.

LORELAI

Come on. Let's get in out of the snow!

RORY

Let's go! [sighs]

LORELAI

[in sing song] Luke's gonna be so excited to see you.

RORY

I can't wait to see him.

LORELAI

[sighs]

RORY

Hello, Rabbi. [Jingle plays] Oh, Paul Anka, what is she making you wear now?

LORELAI

No, no. This one was his idea.

RORY

Aw, don't feel bad. She did the same thing to me.

LORELAI

Okay, get ready.

RORY

For what?

LORELAI

Super proud Luke.

RORY

What?

LORELAI

Luke! It's a Christmas miracle!

LUKE

Ah! There she is, the New Yorker writer!

LORELAI

Super proud!

RORY

It was just one Talk of the Town piece.

LUKE

Oh, one Talk of the Town piece? Come on. It was terrific. And that woman you wrote about...

RORY

Naomi Shropshire.

LUKE

Yes! I've never heard of her. But now I feel like I've met her.

RORY

I appreciate that.

LUKE

I've never read the New Yorker before, but now, every week.

RORY

I'm glad.

LUKE

And I subscribed to it. Who says print is dead?

RORY

Only the world.

LUKE

Well, what does the world... You're eating?

LORELAI

Just tacos.

RORY

Tacos are tiny.

LUKE

I'm making dinner.

LORELAI

Wow. So I'm fat?

LUKE

What?

LORELAI

Body shaming.

LUKE

I am not body shaming.

LORELAI

Trigger warnings!

LUKE

Oh, for Christ's sake.

LORELAI

War on Christmas!

LUKE

I am making two main courses because you told me to make two main courses.

RORY

What two main courses?

LUKE

Mac and cheese, parmesan cutlets...

RORY

With garlic bread?

LORELAI

And tater tots!

LUKE

I am not making tater tots.

LORELAI

Why not?

RORY

We need sustenance!

LUKE

You're eating tacos!

LORELAI

Tater tots go great with tacos.

RORY

Tater tots are great in tacos.

LORELAI

Yes!

LUKE

No! Hey! I mean it!

LORELAI

They're organic.

LUKE

All right, negotiation's over! Put the tater tots back, finish your tacos, wash your hands, dinner's almost ready! Ah! And I saw you grab those mini donuts. Put 'em down right now. I cannot believe the conversations I have in this room.

LORELAI

[To Rory as they walk out.] I thought cooking was supposed to be relaxing.

LUKE

Oh, no. Don't put that song on and disappear into Rory's room. Hey!

LUKE

[Through the closed door.] At least turn it down!

RORY

Did my boxes get here?

LORELAI

Behind the rack.

RORY

Great!

LORELAI

So, you finally did it, huh? Finally gave up the Brooklyn pad?

RORY

I did. Lena Dunham will just have to get along without me.

LORELAI

Are you gonna miss it?

RORY

A little.

LORELAI

I'm gonna miss it. It had that early American tenement shtetl slash Trainspotting vibe that every mother wants for her little girl.

RORY

It was a perfectly decent apartment.

LORELAI

I liked how you had to avoid touching the walls or your clothes would stick to them.

RORY

One wall.

LORELAI

See, in some apartments, you don't have to avoid any walls.

RORY

It was a great place. I just was never there. Do you know how many nights I spent there this year?

LORELAI

Three?

RORY

No.

LORELAI

Eighteen?

RORY

No.

LORELAI

Forty-six?

RORY

No.

LORELAI

Is this The Price is Right? If I'm a little under I win, over, I lose?

RORY

I don't know exactly how many nights, okay? But it was not a lot. Now the building's going condo. I'm not ready to buy a condo, so it seemed like the time to say...

LORELAI

Bye bye, Brooklyn.

RORY

Bye bye, Brooklyn. This box is open.

LORELAI

[gasps] Damn that TSA!

RORY

Really? You went through my stuff?

LORELAI

I did. And I must say, I found it very disappointing.

RORY

You found my personal items disappointing?

LORELAI

I thought there'd be something fun in there, like you know a treasure map or the prequel to Huckleberry Finn where Huck is a Klan leader and terrified of water.

RORY

I think it's kind of exciting, you know? No apartment, no rent, no ties. I could crash here, I could crash at Lane's. I feel like this is my time to be rootless and just see where life takes me, and travel wherever there's a story to write. I just wish I had remembered to label my boxes because now I know where nothing is. My boots, my coats, my underwear...

LORELAI

You don't know where your underwear is?

RORY

Could be at Lane's.

LORELAI

You've been without your underwear since you moved?

RORY

Don't judge.

LORELAI

I'm Gwen freakin' Stefani. Want to borrow some underwear?

RORY

I'd like to stop talking about underwear. I'm looking for my lucky outfit.

LORELAI

I think any outfit you wear without underwear will be your lucky outfit.

RORY

I have a big meeting with Condé Nast and I have this one particular look that makes me feel like Diane Sawyer.

LORELAI

Is it a Mike Nichols mask?

LUKE

[From the other room.] I'll get it!

RORY

What's this?

LORELAI

Oh! That is a box of New Yorker magazines with your fancy piece in it. Box one of six.

RORY

You're kidding.

LORELAI

Super proud!

LUKE

[Opening the bedroom door.] Hey, that guy's here.

LORELAI

What guy?

LUKE

[stutters] You know... uh, Jeffrey.

LORELAI

Who?

LUKE

Allen?

LORELAI

Who?

LUKE

Billy?

LORELAI

There's nothing remotely similar about those names.

LUKE

You know. Him. [Looking at Rory] Your guy.

RORY

Paul?

LUKE

Paul. Yes, Paul.

RORY

Paul's not here.

LUKE

Paul's here.

LORELAI

Who's Paul?

RORY

Paul, my... Paul, my boyfriend? Oh, crap! Paul is here!

LORELAI

Why is Paul here

RORY

I invited him for dinner, and I totally forgot. Crap, crap, crap! [Walks out of the room.]

LORELAI

I can't believe you forgot Rory's boyfriend Paul.

RORY

[chuckles] You came.

PAUL

Of course I came.

RORY

[chuckles]

PAUL

For you.

RORY

So beautiful.

PAUL

And indigenous to Peru. Fun fact.

RORY

So fun. [chuckles]

RORY

Hey. Look who's here.

LORELAI

[chuckles] Paul! Wow! So good to see you.

PAUL

You, too. Thank you for the invite.

LORELAI

Is your hair different?

PAUL

Uh, no.

LORELAI

Lose some weight?

PAUL

Nope.

LORELAI

Gain some weight? [chuckles]

RORY

I'm going to put these in water. Come on, Paul.

PAUL

Yes, I will follow.

LORELAI

I've never seen that boy before.

LUKE

See?

LORELAI

They've been together for months.

LUKE

I think it's been a year.

LORELAI

He's been to the house!

LUKE

I know!

LORELAI

[sighs] He's like a superhero, but his power is that you can't remember him no matter how much time you spend with him. Kind of like every Marvel movie ever.

LORELAI

Care for something to drink, Pete?

PAUL

Paul. Paul. I'm

LORELAI

[chuckles] Pete is our, uh, dog's friend. Our dog's name is Paul. Last name Anka.

PAUL

Weirdly close to my last name.

LORELAI

Right. Very close.

RORY

This is all I could find.

PAUL

That'll do.

RORY

[chuckles] Okay.

LORELAI

Red okay...

LUKE

Paul.

LORELAI

I got it now. Paul, red, Paul?

PAUL

Red sounds good. Oh, hey, Luke.

LUKE

Yeah.

PAUL

I brought it.

LUKE

You...

PAUL

The antique wrench we talked about the last time I was here. Remember?

LUKE

Uh huh.

PAUL

We went fishing on your boat. You told me your dad owned a hardware store. Now it's a diner. I told you my grandfather owned a hardware store and I kept all of his tools?

LUKE

I remember the boat.

PAUL

You said your dad had a wrench that he loved and you wish you'd kept it. My grandfather also had one that he loved and I did keep it. I'll go get it.

LUKE

I just forgot the entire conversation we just had.

RORY

Come on, guys.

PAUL

[From the living room.] Thanks for inviting me over, by the way. I don't get to see a lot of Rory these days. At least I get to see her for our anniversary, which is great. Can you believe it's two years? The cotton anniversary. Okay, I got it. Here we go. [sighs] Here it is. Look at the, uh, date on the back. Oh! And Lorelai...

LORELAI

Huh?

PAUL

The virus protection software I told you about. Want me to pop it on your computer? Where is it?

LORELAI

Living room.

PAUL

All right. It's got the Sadness stickers from Inside Out on it?

LORELAI

You remembered.

PAUL

[chuckles] Okay.

LORELAI

It's nice that he remembered.

RORY

It's nice that somebody remembered.

LUKE

This is a very nice wrench.

LUKE

What the hell did you do here?

LORELAI

[From the bathroom.] What?

LUKE

The DVR is completely full. I have no idea what any of these things are. Restless Virgins, Deadly Honeymoon...

LORELAI

Lifetime Movie Channel classics.

LUKE

Killer Crush, Mini's First Time.

LORELAI

[Enters the room.] A rebellious girl hooks up with an escort agency where her stepfather is a client. Alec Baldwin. Pre yoga.

LUKE

So, keep?

LORELAI

Keep.

LUKE

Okay. Accidental Obsession.

LORELAI

Keep.

LUKE

Murder in a College Town.

LORELAI

Keep.

LUKE

Crimes of the Mind.

LORELAI

Keep!

LUKE

Fatal Acquittal, Not With My Daughter, Baby Sellers, Unfinished Betrayal, The Girl He Met Online, The Boy He Met Online, Deadly Vows, Lying Eyes, Lies He Told, My Nanny's Secret. Did the remote break? Do we only get one channel now?

LORELAI

Where's my pajamas?

LUKE

In the drawer.

LORELAI

Ugh. Felix...

LUKE

Oscar...

LORELAI

I like my pajamas on the chair, all crinkled up and ready for bed, not suffocating in a drawer.

LUKE

Your pajamas are not puppies.

LORELAI

You should find my bedtime rituals endearing by now. What's taking you so long?

LUKE

You know, I still can't get over that piece Rory wrote.

LORELAI

Oh, really? 'Cause you've been so stingy with your praise.

LUKE

Are those...

LORELAI

Puppies!

LUKE

Right. [chuckles] That is one great kid you got.

LORELAI

Eh, she's all right. She's freaked out she's gonna hear our rollicking love making.

LUKE

[scoffs] What are you doing?

LORELAI

Organizing my magazines by Kardashian.

LUKE

You're stalling.

LORELAI

I'm organizing.

LUKE

You're not going to have your dream tonight.

LORELAI

[grunts] My dirty bathroom dream? Yes, I am.

LUKE

Just come to bed!

LORELAI

[sighs] Five nights in a row. Five nights in a row! I'm looking for a bathroom and then I find one and it's like the Eastern Promises steam room scene, only the stuff on the walls ain't blood.

LUKE

Don't think about it.

LORELAI

The bathrooms are all giant. There's stalls and urinals, urinals, urinals...

LUKE

It's a dream!

LORELAI

Last night, it was the bathroom at the Radio City Music Hall. All the Rockettes were there.

LUKE

Okay.

LORELAI

They kept slipping.

LUKE

I got it.

LORELAI

Let's just sleep standing up like cows.

LUKE

Tell you what, you come to bed, you can watch one of these ridiculous movies.

LORELAI

All the way through?

LUKE

Yes.

LORELAI

You won't make me turn it off right when the suspicious sister, co worker, or gay best friend decides to investigates the abandoned cabin by the lake where they find all proof they need to expose the killer and they get hit in the head with a hammer?

LUKE

Nope.

LORELAI

[gasps] Rory will think we're rollicking.

RORY

Well, no one ever said she was dumb.

LUKE

AND LORELAI’s BEDROOM

MAN ON TV

The deal for $49 billion or about $95 per... [faint tapping]

LORELAI

[panting] Don't touch the handle!

MAN ON TV

...boards have approved the deal and now begin the long regulatory process that follows. All of this

WOMAN ON LAPTOP

...four, five, six, seven, eight. Repeat from the top. A five, six, seven, eight... Shuffle, a three, a five, a seven and a flap. Flap, flap, ball change, flap, flap, flap, again. Shuffle! A three!

RORY

Too loud?

LORELAI

No. Just loud enough.

WOMAN ON LAPTOP

Ball change...

LORELAI

What you doing?

RORY

Stress tap dancing. Helps get out my anxieties. Keeps me calm.

LORELAI

How long have you been tapping your troubles away?

RORY

About a month. I needed something to shut my brain off. I tried meditation. Tried jogging. Then I read about this. Now, when I can't sleep, I get up and tap!

LORELAI

Cool. You know you're terrible.

RORY

Yeah, I know.

WOMAN ON LAPTOP

Six, seven and shuffle!

RORY

Where are you going?

LORELAI

Nowhere.

RORY

Do not get your phone.

LORELAI

What are you talking about?

RORY

Do not film this.

LORELAI

I'm checking on Paul Anka. Dance numbers terrify him.

RORY

[sighs] I mean it, this is my stress relief. Do not make my stress relief stressful!

LORELAI

Damn it. Where is it?

RORY

I hid it.

LORELAI

[gasps] You are awful.

RORY

You think I don't know you? I have your eyes.

LORELAI

Fine.

RORY

You want some coffee?

LORELAI

Yes, please.

RORY

[sighs] You sure I didn't wake you up?

LORELAI

Not unless you were dressed like a urinal cake. [sighs] You hungry?

RORY

'Cause you said "cake"?

LORELAI

[chuckles] Yes.

RORY

Kind of.

LORELAI

It's so nice to have you home.

RORY

I wish you were sleeping.

LORELAI

I wish you were sleeping.

RORY

Well, I have a lot on my mind. My piece for the Atlantic fell through.

LORELAI

No! When?

RORY

Today. That was the call that I got.

LORELAI

Why?

RORY

They just bumped it for other stuff. It happens.

LORELAI

Sorry.

RORY

It's okay. I have a lot of irons in the fire. I'm still getting a lot of good responses from the New Yorker piece so... Did I tell you that I attacked Gail Collins?

LORELAI

You did not.

RORY

I was in the lobby of the Times Building, hoping to talk to the metro editor. And suddenly, Gail Collins walks in. I had met her once at the 92nd Street Y. I wasn't expecting to see her and I was jacked up on coffee and I just lunged at her, which she interpreted as a stranger lunging at her.

LORELAI

So sensitive.

RORY

I felt so stupid. She was freaking out. She gave me her wallet.

LORELAI

[chuckles] Did you keep it?

RORY

No. But, I don't know, she was really nice about it. She realized who I was and asked the security guards to get off me.

LORELAI

Well, here's the upside. You definitely made an impression.

RORY

It's okay. I have a lot of irons in the fire.

LORELAI

I heard. You should become a blacksmith.

RORY

[chuckles] What about you?

LORELAI

Mmm... what about me?

RORY

Are you having the dreams again?

LORELAI

I'm just stressed out and kind of feeling my mortality lately.

RORY

What do you mean?

LORELAI

The other day, a guest left a brochure in their room after they checked out. It was for Anthem of the Seas. So I'm flipping through, looking at swimming pools and pictures of the buffet. Everything's planned and they have WiFi and Rock of Ages and you don't have to bring money. I found myself thinki...

RORY

No.

LORELAI

...maybe it would be nice to take a cruise!

RORY

No!

LORELAI

And then I broke a hip.

RORY

You are not going on a cruise.

LORELAI

I know.

RORY

Is everything okay with Luke?

LORELAI

Yeah, everything's fine. I annoy him and he builds cabinets. Or that's what I think. He says we need the storage.

RORY

Do you think it's because of Grandpa?

LORELAI

My sudden need to cruise?

RORY

Yeah.

LORELAI

No. I don't know. Maybe. [sighs]

RORY

I miss him.

LORELAI

[sighs deeply] To absent friends.

RORY

To absent friends. Some people might say drinking coffee in the middle of the night could hinder your sleep.

LORELAI

People are dumb.

LUKE

Caesar, let's go! Where's my toast?

CAESAR

Toaster's down.

LUKE

What?

CAESAR

Oh, wait, it's just unplugged. Toast coming right up.

LUKE

Over easy, scrambled soft, whites with cheese. Coffee?

MAN

What's the WiFi password?

LUKE

Dinerluke. Capital "D," small "L."

CAESAR

Pick up!

TAYLOR

Luke, I need to talk to you about your septic tank testimonial.

LUKE

I'm not giving you a septic tank testimonial, Taylor.

TAYLOR

If you're confused by what I need, I brought some sample testimonials to guide you. I think you'll find Mimsy Frupp's description of her granddaughter's disastrous day jumping into fall leaves especially edifying. She thought the tyke was diving into an autumnal paradise. Instead she found herself submerged...

LUKE

Taylor, order something or get out.

TAYLOR

[sighs] Fine. New menu. I'll need a minute.

LUKE

[grunts]

MAN

Excuse me. Password?

LUKE

DINERDANES321. All caps.

LUKE

Hey, there she is! Get in here!

LORELAI

What about me?

LUKE

Ah, you get in here, too.

RORY

Should I be nervous

LORELAI

As a rule, yes.

LUKE

Okay. Something I want you to see. New menus.

RORY

Very nice.

LUKE

Notice anything?

RORY

Oh... nope.

LUKE

Turn it over.

RORY

That's my New Yorker piece. Wow!

LORELAI

Super proud!

LUKE

For everyone to read. Now what can I get you?

LORELAI

Coffee, please.

RORY

I have a list and I need it all to go.

LUKE

You got it.

RORY

That's my piece. [in Southern accent] Wrapped in plastic.

LORELAI

You knew when Luke moved in with me he'd turn weird.

KIRK

[Entering Diner.] Thanks for your patronage! Be sure to call my mom and rate me! Five stars is appreciated! [Turning to those in the diner.] First official fare! That elderly woman that I successfully drove here? That is widow Joy Puddleston from 88 Peach Tree Drive. Right now, thanks to my new business, Widow Puddleston is only ten minutes late for chemo!

LUKE

Are you ordering?

KIRK

Fudgy banana milkshake. I am flying, man! This is gonna work.

LUKE

Terrific.

KIRK

This area over here would be perfect.

LUKE

Perfect for what, Kirk?

KIRK

Have you heard about my new business, Luke? Öööber?

LORELAI

Do not make that sound!

KIRK

I need to find a place where, after people call, they can get picked up. This corner would work.

LUKE

That's not how Uber works.

KIRK

Well, this isn't Uber, this is... [Lorelai tosses a bagel at Kirk, other diners laugh.] Luke, you need to control your woman.

MAN

Oh!

KIRK

Those aren't even your bagels!

LORELAI

I'm buying them new ones.

RORY

Oh, crap! I forgot about Paul?

LORELAI

You're kidding!

RORY

No.

LORELAI

He was at the house this whole time?

RORY

Didn't you notice his car out front?

LORELAI

No, didn't you?

PAUL

[panting] There you are.

RORY

Hi, Paul. I'm so sorry, I just...

LORELAI

It was my fault. I needed her to come look at something with me. I promised to leave you a note and I didn’t.

RORY

I was about to call you. Are you hungry?

PAUL

Not really.

LORELAI

Not really?

PAUL

I'm not a breakfast person.

LORELAI

As in, you already had breakfast?

PAUL

No.

LORELAI

Did you know about this?

PAUL

I'm gonna wash my hands. Order me a tea?

LORELAI

Tea?

RORY

Yes.

LORELAI

No.

RORY

Go on.

PAUL

Okay.

LORELAI

You have got to cut that poor boy loose.

RORY

I keep meaning to and I keep...

BOTH

Forgetting!

LORELAI

So, so sad!

LUKE

Your breakfast list, coffee to go. Have a good flight. Come back soon. And take a menu.

LORELAI

[chuckles] Thanks, Luke.

RORY

Bye.

LORELAI

Bye.

RORY

Crap, crap, crap! Ooh!

RORY

Hey, got the food.

PAUL

Ready to go?

RORY

Absolutely.

MICHEL

I just don't understand it. Before we got married, Frederick was more indifferent to children than I am.

LORELAI

That's not possible.

MICHEL

Oh, yes. We could be walking by the well that Timmy fell down and he'd throw a penny in.

LORELAI

Maybe he kept his feelings to himself.

MICHEL

For five years? No. Something happened. Twenty minutes after "I do," he lost his mind. Now all he talks about is, "Guess who's pregnant?" or "What school district is it in? You have to live in a good school district." And I say, "Why? Isn't that what boarding school is for? So you don't have to live in a good school district?"

LORELAI

I don't think that's what boarding school's for.

MICHEL

Well, it's very mystifying. He keeps shoving children in my arms. "Hold this. What do you feel?" Well, now there's spittle on my Brioni suit so, rage?"

LORELAI

Why does it smell like onions?

MICHEL

The new pop up crew in the kitchen.

LORELAI

[sighs] That's tonight?

MICHEL

Yes, that's tonight.

LORELAI

I hate this pop up idea.

MICHEL

We have an empty dining room and kitchen. What do you propose we do?

LORELAI

Put on a show?

MICHEL

We live in a town where every restaurant closes at 4:45. People need to eat.

LORELAI

What's this new chef guy's name again?

MICHEL

Oh, come on.

LORELAI

I can't remember. It's like a million syllables long.

MICHEL

Roy Choi.

LORELAI

The food truck guy.

MICHEL

He's not a food truck guy.

LORELAI

Yes he's a guy with a food truck.

MICHEL

A fleet of food trucks, three restaurants and a massive online following.

LORELAI

Oh, so he tweets? He's a tweeter? "Hey, kids. Come grab some rad food at the Dragonfly."

MICHEL

Do you even know how Twitter works?

LORELAI

Oh, he's cool, right?

MICHEL

Yes, he seems cool.

LORELAI

I hate cool. Makes me feel so uncool. I don't need some cool guy tweeting, making me feel uncool in my own inn.

MICHEL

Why on earth aren't you on Xanax? It was invented for you.

LORELAI

And that "Kogi" tattoo on his arm about? What's that all about?

MICHEL

Kogi is the name of his business. So the tattoo, while not as clever as "Wino Forever," is at least thematically correct.

LORELAI

We should hire a regular chef.

MICHEL

We should, shouldn't we?

LORELAI

How long is this pop up thing?

MICHEL

Two weeks.

LORELAI

Can it be less?

MICHEL

No.

LORELAI

I'd like it to be less.

MICHEL

I don't need a child. I have you.

LORELAI

[sighs] Great. He's gonna set the whole place on fire.

ROY

Oh, hey, Lorelai.

LORELAI

Hey.

ROY

This kitchen's awesome. Sookie set it up perfectly.

LORELAI

Yes, well, Sookie's a genius. What is all this?

ROY

You like abalone?

LORELAI

Is this a trick question?

MICHEL

No. Abalone is delicious.

ROY

I'm doing a green pea congee with fried shallots, spring onions, cilantro, chili oil and abalone. Oh, I meant to ask. Can I screw with the dining room? Make it less granny?

LORELAI

Uh, no...

MICHEL

Problem. No problem. [Michel chuckles] De-granny the place. Go nuts. I hated my grandmother. Horrible woman. But we are thrilled that you are here. And she's not. [laughs]

ROY

All right, come on, you guys. Let's go.

MICHEL

Thank you. Abalone! Yay! [laughs] [turns to Lorelai] Will you relax, please? Between you and Frederick, I'm going to have a stroke.

LORELAI

Where is it?

MICHEL

What?

LORELAI

The coffeemaker. Where is the coffeemaker?

MICHEL

Uh...

LORELAI

It was right here yesterday! It was right here! Roy!

MICHEL

Uh, I... Wait... [sighs]

LORELAI

Roy! Um, Roy? [chuckles] Where's the coffee machine?

ROY

Oh yeah I moved it. I needed counter space. Eduardo can make you a coffee.

LORELAI

How? Is Eduardo magic?

ROY

He makes a stovetop version...

LORELAI

Eh, eh.

ROY

It really is

LORELAI

Eh, eh, eh, eh.

ROY

I can move it back.

LORELAI

I am so sorry, but this isn't gonna to work. Michel!

MICHEL

I'm right here.

LORELAI

Oh, sorry. Uh, Michel, call over to Momo's and see if they can accommodate a crazy cool congee extravaganza. Thank you. It's been a pleasure. Louis here is gonna walk you over to Momo's Tires and get you settled.

ROY

Wait, it's a tire store?

LORELAI

[chuckles] Buh-bye. Thank you. What, Michel?

MICHEL

At least you were nicer than you were to Anthony Bourdain.

LORELAI

Bourdain parked in Sookie's spot.

MICHEL

Now once again, we have an empty kitchen.

LORELAI

We will find a full time chef.

MICHEL

No, we won't.

LORELAI

Yes, we will.

MICHEL

You think no one can cook like her.

LORELAI

No one can.

MICHEL

April Bloomfield?

LORELAI

Too much pork.

MICHEL

Alice Waters.

LORELAI

Little flighty.

MICHEL

[scoffs] David Chang?

LORELAI

Al's does the same thing.

MICHEL

Al's Pancake World does not do the same thing as David Chang.

LORELAI

I can’t help it, it has to be right.

MICHEL

You miss her? Fine. I don't. She abandoned us.

LORELAI

She did not abandon us.

MICHEL

A six month sabbatical. That's what she said. She was going to clear her head, come up with new recipes and then be back. Well, that was a year ago.

LORELAI

What can I say? She found a calling.

MICHEL

Really. What's her calling?

LORELAI

Michel.

MICHEL

I'm curious. Describe what she's doing up in the woods?

LORELAI

She's working with Dan Barber at Blue Hill Farm.

MICHEL

Doing?

LORELAI

She is helping him develop food growing techniques and cultivating the evolution of fruits and vegetables, which helps the people who eat them and I don't know. They're saving the world. It's on the website.

MICHEL

No, she's squatting in a cabin with no phone service, trying to grow a pineapple out of a coat rack! [Lorelai’s cell phone vibrating] She's not saving the world. She just finally found a way to never shave her legs again.

LORELAI

Ooh! Hi, Gypsy!

GYPSY

[outside here garage] I have good news.

LORELAI

Great! What?

GYPSY

Oh, Lorelai. Damn, I dialed the wrong number. I'll call you back.

LORELAI

Wait! When can I get my car?

GYPSY

I'm waiting for a part. It's coming in a DeLorean from 1983.

LORELAI

I have to go to Hartford tonight.

GYPSY

I don't know what to tell you. Oh, wait, yes I do. Buy a new car.

LORELAI

Thanks.

GYPSY

I hate this one.

LORELAI

Great.

GYPSY

It's very old.

LORELAI

I got it.

GYPSY

But it's fun to kick.

LORELAI

Bye, Gypsy.

LORELAI

[inhales deeply and sighs] Hi, Mrs. Gleason?

LORELAI

Hey, Kirk? It's freezing back here.

KIRK

Oh, that's probably because I vented the floor.

LORELAI

Pardon?

KIRK

The floor. I drilled a few holes in the floor.

LORELAI

Was there an explanation with that or...

KIRK

Two customers passed out last week. They were old, so it could've just been old people passing out. Or carbon monoxide. I just thought better safe than sorry. Would you like some water?

LORELAI

Yes. That would be nice.

KIRK

Here, could you... [Handing Lorelai a counter jug.]

LORELAI

Oh, uh, okay.

KIRK

And how about some music? The radio was stolen, but I'm happy to sing any song you request... as long as it's by the Carpenters.

LORELAI

How about something by the Carpenters?

KIRK

Good choice. Such a feeling's coming over me There is wonder In most everything I see Not a cloud in the sky Now the sun is in my eye And I won't be surprised If it's a dream

LORELAI

Uh, well, thanks, Kirk.

KIRK

I'm not there yet.

LORELAI

You know, I think I'm okay.

KIRK

It's door-to-door service.

LORELAI

Well, I won't tell if you don't.

KIRK

I still have to charge the same price.

LORELAI

That's fine, Kirk.

KIRK

You have arrived!

LORELAI

Bye, Kirk. [car engine starts, engine backfires]

BERTA

Oh, hola! Hello.

LORELAI

Hi. Um, uh, I'm Lorelai. Emily's, um...

BERTA

[speaking Berta's language]

LORELAI

No, no, no. I don't think Rory's here yet.

BERTA

[speaking her language]

LORELAI

Um, my, uh, daughter, that's... That's her.

BERTA

Ah! [speaking her language]

LORELAI

She's not and I'm not gonna be flying solo tonight, so I'm gonna wait outside.

BERTA

Oh!

LORELAI

But don't say anything to, uh, Mrs. Gilmore.

BERTA

Oh. [chuckles]

LORELAI

Okay? Shh. Shh.

BERTA

Okay. [chuckles]

LORELAI

Okay. Thank you.

BERTA

Oh...

LORELAI

Oh, thank God! Hey, you promised you'd be here right at 7:00.

RORY

It's 7:05.

LORELAI

Apology accepted.

RORY

Why are you out here? It's freezing.

LORELAI

'Cause we're a team. Would Dean Martin go in without Jerry Lewis?

RORY

No, but Jerry Lewis would go in without Dean.

LORELAI

You’re saying I’m Jerry Lewis?

RORY

I'm ringing the doorbell.

LORELAI

Why am I Jerry Lewis?

RORY

I don't need to answer that.

LORELAI

Hmm. Hi, here's Rory.

BERTA

Ah! [speaking her language]

LORELAI

Right.

EMILY

Rory, there you are. It is so good to see you.

RORY

Hi, Grandma. It's so good to see you. How are you?

EMILY

Well, I am a Gilmore.

RORY

[chuckles]

EMILY

My goodness, you look absolutely radiant.

LORELAI

Well, she is a Gilmore. And 32, which helps.

EMILY

I think you must be in love.

RORY

[chuckles again]

LORELAI

Hi, Mom.

EMILY

[sighs] Don't track mud in here. I had the floors waxed.

LORELAI

[to the maid] You and I had a better rapport.

HANDYMAN

Excuse me, Mrs. Gilmore. [speaking his language]

EMILY

Oh, good, good. In here. I need light bulbs. This, there. You see... There and there.

HANDYMAN

Ah.

EMILY

The bulbs... the bulbs are out.

HANDYMAN

Hmm. No problem.

EMILY

Yeah? And now... And in here... that sconce... and then over the picture, the light. Over here, the picture... The... the lights over the picture? Yes?

LORELAI

Did you get a new handyman, Mom? [to Rory] Cyrano?

RORY

Grandma, did you hire a new handyman?

EMILY

Yes. That's Alejandro. He's Berta's husband and he's amazing. He can fix anything. I'm usually wary about hiring husbands. I hired a maid once whose husband was a gardener. He got angry with her one day and decapitated one of my topiaries.

LORELAI

Hmm. Was it the one of Spiro Agnew?

LORELAI

[screams] Ask her, ask her.

RORY

Uh, Grandma... just wondering... Who are the kids?

EMILY

Oh, they're Berta's children, I think.

LORELAI

You think?

EMILY

They appeared when she did, so I put two and two together.

LORELAI

Mum you suddenly have an entire family in your house and you're not sure if they're actually a family?

EMILY

So what, Lorelai? I have a house. They needed a place to live. They work for me. Problem?

LORELAI

No. Yes. All good. You're right.

EMILY

Now let's go sit and have martinis. You can tell me all about this new boy.

RORY

[chuckles] Oh, well he's not new. We've been going out about two years.

EMILY

Really? I must meet him.

RORY

Oh, you did.

EMILY

Really? I'm sorry. I'll meet him again.

LORELAI

Won't matter.

EMILY

Come sit.

LORELAI

[gasps]

RORY

[stutters] What?

LORELAI

Uh, Mom?

EMILY

Yes?

LORELAI

Um...

EMILY

Oh, yes. Isn't it wonderful?

LORELAI

It's... [sighs]

RORY

It's... it's...

LORELAI

[stutters] It's...

RORY

The whole wall!

EMILY

I had it painted from one of my favorite pictures of him. Do you like it?

LORELAI

Yes.

RORY

Sure.

LORELAI

It's so... big.

EMILY

It's a Marco Toretti. His specialty is large canvases.

LORELAI

Well, he did himself proud. And... you wanted it that big, right?

EMILY

Of course I did.

LORELAI

'Cause it's a... a real presence.

EMILY

As was your father. Olive?

LORELAI

And he came and measured the space?

EMILY

Who?

LORELAI

Mario Andretti?

EMILY

Marco Toretti. Yes, he did. Why?

LORELAI

No reason.

EMILY

I wanted something dramatic.

LORELAI

And you got it.

EMILY

I did.

LORELAI

Okay.

EMILY

Cheers.

RORY

Cheers.

LORELAI

[sighs] Oh, come on, Mom. Admit it.

EMILY

Admit what?

LORELAI

You Spinal Tapped the painting.

EMILY

What?

LORELAI

You Spinal Tapped the painting. You gave them the wrong dimensions, they wrote down the and now you are trying to pretend that massive portrait is something you intended.

EMILY

It was.

LORELAI

It was?

EMILY

Yes.

LORELAI

You intended for Dad's eyebrow and my forearm to be exactly the same length?

EMILY

Yes.

LORELAI

It's 18 feet tall!

EMILY

It's not 18 feet tall.

LORELAI

It looks 18 feet tall.

EMILY

Should I get a tape measure?

LORELAI

No.

EMILY

I can get a tape measure.

LORELAI

Do not get a tape measure.

EMILY

Alejandro has one.

LORELAI

I don't believe you wanted a portrait of Dad so massive, it doesn't fit on the wall!

EMILY

Well, I did.

LORELAI

A portrait so big, Peter Jackson could hang it at the Argonath.

EMILY

Yes, he could.

LORELAI

You don't know what the Argonath is!

RORY

Doesn't matter. It's a nice picture of Grandpa.

LORELAI

Mom. Do it over. Get what you want. You have the money.

EMILY

This is what I want.

LORELAI

I swear it can't be.

EMILY

Why not?

LORELAI

Because! Look at it. It’s nuts! "Wizard, you shall not pass!" Seriously!

EMILY

[Slamming down her drink and standing.] Fine! I made a mistake! Are you happy? I gave them the wrong dimensions, and they screwed it up. I'm a screw up! I admit it! Just please, don't let this be the only thing you remember to say at my funeral!

LORELAI

[sighs]

RORY

So...

LORELAI

Yes? Did I tell you what happened at the funeral after you left?

RORY

Why, no, you didn't.

LORELAI

Because something did. [sighs]

EMILY

So nice of you to come. You're in Florida now, aren't you?

WOMAN

We are. You should come visit us when things calm down a bit.

EMILY

I'll do that. I promise.

MAN

Beautiful service, Emily.

EMILY

Thank you. I'm all right, Rory.

RORY

Okay.

EMILY

I really am all right.

RORY

I know.

JASON

Lorelai.

LORELAI

[gasps] Jason Stiles, as I live and breathe.

JASON

You look like the hottest Italian widow I have ever seen.

LORELAI

[chuckles] It's nice that you came.

JASON

Your father was a lion. You know that.

LORELAI

[sighs] I do.

JASON

I'm deeply sorry.

LORELAI

At least it was sudden. Mom didn't have to watch him fade away. Have you seen my mother by the way?

JASON

I've been successfully keeping a living room's worth of space between us.

LORELAI

She's in hostess mode. At worst, she'll send you home with shrimp.

JASON

To which I'm allergic.

LORELAI

Thus fulfilling her devious plan.

JASON

You happy?

LORELAI

Right now or... [chuckles]

JASON

Are you happy?

LORELAI

Yes.

JASON

Umlauts.

LORELAI

Digger.

JASON

[chuckles]

LORELAI

[sighs] What you doin'?

LUKE

Oh, there was a screw loose in the heating vent. I didn't want it to fall out.

LORELAI

Uh-huh. Did you service the boiler yet?

LUKE

It was just the one screw. That's it.

LORELAI

Garbage disposal working now?

LUKE

I just saw it like that and I had this with me so...

LORELAI

And the rain gutters?

LUKE

Well... You can't leave them clogged like that. The water gets in the house. [sighs] I can't help it. Funerals make me nervous.

LORELAI

Here. [Handing Luke a drink.]

LUKE

[sighs]

EMILY

AND BERTA

BERTA

[Berta in her language] This is such a big house and things go wrong all the time. But I could have my husband fix everything. And we could move in here with you so you would not be so alone and we can take care of everything. [in English] Everything.

EMILY

Sure.

BERTA

[in her language] You will like my husband. He's very tall and quiet. [in English] Okay?

EMILY

Sure.

BERTA

Oh, Señora Gilmore, don't worry.

EMILY

Fine. Just take that to the kitchen?

BERTA

[speaking her language]

EMILY

[to Rory] What language is that?

RORY

I do not know.

EMILY

I thought it was Spanish, but then I had the gardener tell her to come in early one day and he came back and told me she wasn't speaking Spanish, It took me a while to understand because I need the pool man to translate for the gardener.

LORELAI

Hey, time to get going, kid.

RORY

Oh, shoot! I have to get to the airport!

EMILY

My goodness, so dramatic. Please tell your daughter I'm going to be fine. The two of you can just run along.

LORELAI

Oh, no. I'm gonna have Luke drive her.

EMILY

You're staying?

LORELAI

Yeah.

EMILY

All right.

RORY

Grandma... [Hugging]

EMILY

You made him very proud.

RORY

I will call you when I get to London.

LUKE

[sighs] Emily, everything's in good shape here.

EMILY

I'm sorry?

LORELAI

Just send her your bill.

LUKE

Right. So... [Hugging]

EMILY

Thank you, Luke. Drive safe now.

RORY

Okay, love you. [Hugging]

LORELAI

Ditto. Bye, guys.

RORY

[sighs]

LORELAI

So... scotch?

EMILY

God, yes.

EMILY

[mouthing song lyrics]

EMILY

[Emily sighs] One of his favorites.

JACK

A classic for a classic.

ALL

Hear, hear.

EMILY

[sighs] Well, I know it's getting late and I know some of you have a very long ride home. I want to thank you for your friendship and for being here. Richard loved you all very much. But before we all go our separate ways, I thought we could go around and everyone could stand up and tell a favorite story about Richard.

LORELAI

What did she just say?

EMILY

I know there are hundreds to choose from. But too bad, I'm going to limit you to just one. [Lorelai is thinking hard.] The best one. The one that most sums up the Richard Gilmore you know and love. Let's start here. Jack?

JACK

[grunts] Well, Richard and I go back, um, to Yale. We both went there...

LORELAI

[Quietly to the man next to her.] Excuse me. Please switch places with me.

MAN

What?

LORELAI

There's a draft.

MAN

We're outside.

LORELAI

Yeah, don't wanna go next.

JACK

So, I decide to sneak a pair of black lacy women's unmentionables into his locker for everyone to see. And so, one day after polo practice, I'm at the locker and I'm trying to pick the lock so that I can leave the unmentionables there, and suddenly, I look up and I see him standing there across the way at my locker also holding a pair of black lacy knickers.

JACK

[guests chuckle] And he sees me and we look at each other holding these women's underpants. So finally, Richard says, "Well, we can't possibly both be in black." [chuckles]

EMILY

Wonderful.

JACK

[sighs]

EMILY

Franklin?

FRANKLIN

He cheated at cards.

EMILY

Only with you, Franklin.

FRANKLIN

One day, I'd just got myself a brand new Jaguar. Richard said, "Let's play for pinks." So I say, "Now, look here, Gilmore. You keep your hands off my new car."

FRANKLIN

And he smiles and says, "Make me."

EMILY

And next we have Oh, looks like Martin's asleep. Lorelai?

LORELAI

What?

EMILY

You're up.

LORELAI

[stutters] No. No, no. [stammers] Let's... let's... We can wake Martin up, huh? Hey, Marty. Marty. Babe Paley's in the corner.

EMILY

Lorelai.

LORELAI

Hmm?

EMILY

Just go.

LORELAI

Uh... uh... [sighs] The best story... best story. There's so many great No... no one else wants to go? Nope? They don't because it's my turn. So, um, okay... I'm ten, and I ask Dad if... to play hide and seek, and I went and hid in his steamer trunk, and he left and went to Holland. [chuckles] I'm sorry. No, it was Belgium. Or... oh, uh, I'm 15, and we were having our, um, Gilmore Fourth of July party and Dad was dressed as Paul Revere. And I guess I was supposed to be, um, greeting people or playing the flute with a peg leg, so he came looking for me and he burst into the pool house where I was on the couch with Teddy Wiedemier III, and we had just finished, uh... [chuckles] "The British are coming! The British are" Anyhow, you get it. Dad's livid and he's yelling, "Emily, our daughter's losing her virginity five feet away from the president of J.P. Morgan," which was embarrassing and not true, because that ship had sailed a long time ago, like Niña, Pinta, Santa Maria time ago, if you know what I mean. [Snaps fingers] So... Oh, I'm sorry, it was not Belgium. It was Croatia. [Exhales]

EMILY

It was wonderful seeing you again. We should get together next month maybe. Can we?

WOMAN

I'd love to.

EMILY

All right now, you all drive carefully. Thank you so much. Good night.

MAN

Good night.

LORELAI

[softly] I'm sorry. You took me by surprise.

EMILY

Not another word.

LORELAI

It was late and there was scotch.

EMILY

Lorelai, stop talking.

LORELAI

I didn't mean to...

EMILY

[Slams glass] Don't follow.

LORELAI

[sighs] Mom... Mom... [Following to the kitchen.] Please, come back. I didn't do it on purpose. I had a brain freeze. I panicked. Mom.

EMILY

[To the helpers] You two start with the silver.

LORELAI

I didn't know there'd be a... test.

EMILY

A test?

LORELAI

Yes.

EMILY

You didn't know there'd be a test? Is that what you said to me?

LORELAI

I also said I'm sorry.

EMILY

Did you?

LORELAI

Yes.

EMILY

Did you?

LORELAI

Yes.

EMILY

Did you really?

LORELAI

Okay you're making me doubt it now but...

EMILY

I asked you for a story. "Oh, there was a time when Dad bought me a doll. I loved this doll." Something like that. Get out! Now! [Snapping at the help.] "I remember when he took me to the park."

LORELAI

He didn't take me to a park.

EMILY

The zoo.

LORELAI

That either.

EMILY

The store! The club! Kathmandu! I don't give a damn where he took you. All I wanted was a fond anecdote from his only daughter and what I got was a rambling diatribe on being abandoned in a steamer trunk.

LORELAI

I didn’t think...

EMILY

You have nothing but contempt for this family.

LORELAI

That is not true.

EMILY

What did we do to fill you with such contempt? Love you? Support you? Love Rory? Support Rory?

LORELAI

I'm not filled with contempt.

EMILY

All my other friends have children who worship them, who call them every day, who take pride in the family name and traditions.

LORELAI

I have pride.

EMILY

Your father was a great man. A pillar of the community. A man amongst men.

LORELAI

[voice breaking] I know.

EMILY

And you dishonor him today like this in his own house.

LORELAI

I didn't mean to dishonor him.

EMILY

Well what did you mean to do? Break my heart in public? No fun doing it in private anymore?

LORELAI

Mom. I know that you are in massive pain. Believe it or not, I'm in pain, too. I'm tired and my head is spinning, and I haven't eaten in two days.

EMILY

You? Not eaten? Please.

LORELAI

Yes, me!

EMILY

I'm surprised you didn't have a pizza delivered during "Ave Maria."

LORELAI

Well, I haven't eaten and I drank my weight in single malt scotch. I screwed up. I made a mistake.

EMILY

That was not a mistake, that was premeditated.

LORELAI

How could it be premeditated if I didn't know it was coming?

EMILY

You never do anything unless it's exactly what you want to do. You never have. You blow through life like a natural disaster, knocking down everything and everyone in your path. I wonder if Luke know what he was getting into?

LORELAI

Don't.

EMILY

Did you ever ask him what he wanted? Where he wanted to live? If he wanted children? I'm sure that didn't matter to Lorelai Gilmore. Nothing matters to her except what she wants and feels. God help you if she thinks you've wronged her. She will hold onto that grudge forever just waiting for the moment to get back at you.

LORELAI

I made a mistake! A goddamn mistake! You've never let me make a mistake ever. Not once in my life, which is how we always find ourselves here.

EMILY

Where?

LORELAI

Standing in the middle of this room yelling at each other like idiots!

EMILY

How dare you call me an idiot! I just lost my husband!

LORELAI

[crying] I just lost my father!

EMILY

And you couldn't care less!

LORELAI

[inhales sharply] That's horrible. You're horrible.

EMILY

Get out!

LORELAI

First the help, then me. Seems about right.

EMILY

Go home! Go back to your beloved town with its carnies and misfits. Tell them how your intolerable mother yelled at you at your father's funeral. They can all console you and tell you what a witch I am and how perfect you are!

LORELAI

[sighs] Full... Freakin'... Circle.

RORY

You couldn't have just said he was well read?

LORELAI

[voice breaking] I know.

RORY

"My father. Boy, did he love books."

LORELAI

I know, I know.

RORY

"And stamps. Whoo, that stamp collection."

LORELAI

I was under a lot of pressure. You weren't there.

RORY

And how did you neglect to tell me this?

LORELAI

Oh, I didn't think she was mad anymore.

RORY

You didn't?

LORELAI

Well, I assumed she was, because she hadn't answered any of my calls or emails for the last four months, but I thought she'd hide it in front of you.

RORY

[Scoffs] Because that's ever happened.

BERTA

[Speaking her language and smiling.]

LORELAI

What could possibly elicit that kind of smile in this house?

RORY

It smells meaty.

LORELAI

Yes, but what kind of meat?

RORY

And there's cheese, and layers of...

LORELAI

It's crunchy.

RORY

Huh.

LORELAI

No, wait, it's smooshy. It's crunchy and smooshy. What's crunchy and smooshy?

RORY

Peanut butter? Or badly mixed cement?

LORELAI

So we've got meat, cheese, peanut butter or badly mixed cement.

EMILY

For God's sake, just eat it.

KIRK

I'll tell you what, I'll dive in first. Mom always made me taste her food before she'd eat a bite. Mmm. Delicious. And it could be peanut butter.

LORELAI

Oh, yeah.

RORY

Cool.

KIRK

I appreciate you inviting me to dinner. It was pretty harrowing out there.

EMILY

Who is this?

LORELAI

Kirk, your car broke down at the end of the driveway.

KIRK

It's lucky for me I'm a very loud crier. If your maid hadn't heard my sobs, I don't know what would've happened.

LORELAI

You probably would've run out of Kleenex.

KIRK

It's nice we can joke about it now.

RORY

Thanks for letting me stash some boxes here, Grandma.

EMILY

Where are you going to live?

RORY

I'll get my own place again, eventually.

LORELAI

But for now she's Jack Kerouac. She's On the Roading it. Pass the peyote.

EMILY

But after you've passed the peyote, what bathroom will you use to throw up in?

RORY

Well, I have many options. Paris lets me stay at her place when I’m in New York. Or I can stay with Mom, Lane or you.

EMILY

So you're homeless.

RORY

I am not homeless.

EMILY

But you don't live anyplace.

RORY

Just for now.

EMILY

And you're okay with this vagabond existence she's leading? Like... like a groupie?

LORELAI

I wish she was a groupie. I'd get better tickets to stuff.

KIRK

Luke! Buddy!

LUKE

Hey, everybody. Emily.

EMILY

Careful!

LUKE

Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry.

EMILY

No, I'll do that.

LUKE

Oh, sure.

LORELAI

Thanks for coming.

KIRK

Yes. Saved us all a very expensive cab ride.

EMILY

Are you all leaving now? We all just sat down.

LUKE

Oh, no, please. Just eat. Um, no rush. I can just, uh...

LORELAI

[stuttering] Buh buh buh!

LUKE

Oh...

KIRK

This really is delicious.

LUKE

Oh, thank you. [breathes deeply]

EMILY

You don't like it?

LUKE

What? Oh, uh... [softly] Okay. Very good.

KIRK

Isn't it? I could eat here every night.

EMILY

Luke?

LUKE

Hmm, yes?

EMILY

What do you think about Rory's living situation?

LUKE

Um...

EMILY

Her traipsing around from one couch to another like she's Llewyn Davis.

LUKE

Oh, it's fine. Well, I mean... you know, she's grown, and she's... Uh, did you read her New Yorker piece that she wrote? I put it on the menu.

EMILY

Why is everyone treating this like it's a normal rite of passage? Rory is a 32 year old college educated woman with no permanent address. That's not normal.

KIRK

Um, can I be excused? They're playing soccer and they seem to be short a man.

EMILY

Go.

KIRK

Hi, I'm Kirk! Over here!

EMILY

Explain to me again who that person is?

LORELAI

Oh, that I could.

RORY

Grandma, don't worry about me. I know exactly what I'm doing. I'm busier than I've ever been. I'm traveling and pursuing a goal. I don't have to store my stuff here if you're going to worry.

EMILY

Of course you can leave your things here. That's not what I meant. [To Luke.] There's a chair now.

LUKE

Oh, sure.

KIRK

Goal!

EMILY

[To Rory] Call me from London. Luke.

LUKE

Yes?

EMILY

That was just my way of saying goodbye.

LUKE

Oh, goodbye.

LORELAI

Good night, Mom.

LUKE

Kirk, we're leaving!

LORELAI

Talk tomorrow.

RORY

Yep.

LUKE

Kirk! Now!

KIRK

Thank you, Luke.

LUKE

Oh, you're welcome, Kirk.

KIRK

Before I go, we should get our stories straight about what happened.

LUKE

Ah your car broke down, I drove to Hartford, picked you up and drove you back home.

KIRK

Or you broke down, I drove to Hartford and picked you up, and drove you back home.

LUKE

What?

KIRK

Much better story.

LUKE

No.

KIRK

My business is young, Luke. There's kinks to work out. People don't want to know how the sausage gets made. They just want to eat.

LUKE

There's no arguing or even responding to that, Kirk.

KIRK

Great. Thank you. [Kirk sees Petal oinking and running down the street.] Damn it. Petal, stop right now! I know you hear me! I know you hear me! You get back here! Curb right! Curb right!

MAN

Go, Petal!

KIRK

Don't encourage her.

LORELAI

What's all this?

LUKE

What?

LORELAI

Dictionary, thesaurus, Mathematical Principles of Natural Philosophy... Aw, you got a letter from April.

LUKE

I was two hours into deciphering it when I got your call.

LORELAI

"Hello, Pater

LUKE

"Father," British or Latin.

LORELAI

Sure.

LUKE

She used the word "ontological" three times. She used it last time. I looked it up and forgot it. I was looking it up again when you called.

LORELAI

That's what you get when you spawn an MIT going genius.

LUKE

Rory's smart. She speaks like she doesn't need subtitles.

LORELAI

Yeah but she grew up with me. She learned her language skills via The Breakfast Club. Hey, how old is this coffee?

LUKE

Old.

LORELAI

Oh, well. Hey, Luke

LUKE

What are you doing?

LORELAI

Eating sprinkles.

LUKE

Wait, but... Never mind.

LORELAI

Uh, did I tell you? Michel's husband Frederick wants a baby.

LUKE

Frederick, the guy who ordered three pancakes on three separate plates? The town ought to buy another pig.

LORELAI

[laughs]

LUKE

I can't watch this anymore.

LORELAI

Hey, Luke... did you ever want a kid?

LUKE

I have a kid.

LORELAI

I mean a fresh kid.

LUKE

[Scoffs] What the hell is a fresh kid?

LORELAI

A kid that's fresh, a kid with me. We never had a serious conversation about it, I don't think. That moment at the Twickham house, but since then...

LUKE

Well I figured if you wanted another kid you would say something.

LORELAI

I figured if you wanted another kid, you'd say something.

LUKE

I brought it up once.

LORELAI

When?

LUKE

Five, six years ago.

LORELAI

I don't remember.

LUKE

At the little league game. There was a kid playing right field, he walked off middle of the inning to use the bathroom. I turned to you and I said, "That's the kid."

LORELAI

"That's the kid"?

LUKE

Yes.

LORELAI

"That's the kid" is your way of say you want to have a kid?

LUKE

In so many words.

LORELAI

No, "That's the kid" is not you saying you want to have a kid. "That's the kid" is you acknowledging the kid standing there about whom you said, "That's the kid."

LUKE

I thought you knew what I was getting at.

LORELAI

Impossible, because I don't speak "huh"?

LUKE

Well... that's what I thought and you didn't pursue it, so...

LORELAI

It was up to me to pursue it?

LUKE

No. Sorry, I...

LORELAI

Well, how do you feel about it now?

LUKE

What?

LORELAI

[sighs] Do you still want a kid?

LUKE

Oh, well, I mean... I mean, isn't it, uh, too late?

LORELAI

I don't know.

LUKE

Look, forget it. I have kids. I have April and I've always considered Rory to be a little bit mine, so...

LORELAI

Yeah, but she was so much fun to raise. Don't you want to have that kind of fun?

LUKE

I have plenty of fun. Look at all the chairs I get to put on tables.

LORELAI

You don't wanna toss a ball around with your son?

LUKE

There's Jess.

LORELAI

I said toss a ball "with" not "at."

LUKE

I'm fine.

LORELAI

You'll never see your kid's graduation.

LUKE

I went to Rory's graduation.

LORELAI

It's not the same.

LUKE

I know it's not the same.

LORELAI

I don't want you to miss out on anything.

LUKE

Yeah nobody gets to have everything they want in life. All in all, I think I did pretty good.

WOMAN ON TV

Okay, Sandy, see you then.

MAN

Who's Sandy?

WOMAN

Do you have to know everything?

MAN

I'm your best friend and business partner, so yes.

WOMAN

Sandy is our surrogate.

MAN

You're doing it.

WOMAN

We're thinking about it.

MAN

[sing song] Exciting!

WOMAN

I just hope it works. A baby would really help everything.

CHILD

We want cake!

WOMAN

Coming. Take it.

MAN

Who's gonna help me light the candles?

CHILD

I will, I will!

MAN

Fun, fun, fun!

WOMAN

Here you go. Freshly made.

LORELAI

Thanks. It's been at least an hour since my last infusion.

WOMAN

So, I have all your paperwork. I'll make sure everything's in order. You can flip through this while you wait.

LORELAI

Thanks.

LORELAI

Really good coffee.

LUKE

Is it?

LORELAI

Yep. Strong. A little crunchy.

LUKE

Good. Good.

LORELAI

Okay, I will take a look. Hey, you're supposed to be looking with me.

LUKE

Sorry. So, what are we looking at here?

LORELAI

Potential surrogates.

LUKE

Surrogates. Yes. And these surrogates will...

LORELAI

Carry the baby.

LUKE

Our baby.

LORELAI

Yes. They'll carry our baby.

LUKE

I'm confused. Am I supposed to be having sex with these women?

LORELAI

What?

LUKE

I don't wanna have sex with her.

LORELAI

No, you're not supposed to be having sex with these women. What? You'd have sex with her?

LUKE

No.

LORELAI

How about her?

LUKE

No.

LORELAI

Ooh she's holding a bat. You could play softball and do it in the dugout.

LUKE

I don't want to have sex with her or any of these women. I don't want to have sex with anyone ever.

LORELAI

Except me.

LUKE

[sighs] Lorelai, why are we here?

LORELAI

I tried to broach the subject of adoption.

LUKE

I don't want to go to Bangladesh to get a baby. I don't want to go to Woodbury to get a light bulb.

LORELAI

Well if you won't adopt, this may be our only option, and I don't want another picture window.

LUKE

[sighing] What?

LORELAI

When we remodeled the house, you wanted a picture window, but it looked weird with the other windows and so you gave it up. You settled.

LUKE

I do not remember wanting a picture window.

LORELAI

Well, you did. Now it's another thing on the list of "things I don't have because I'm with Lorelai."

LUKE

Like peace.

LORELAI

And a picture window.

LUKE

I do not want a picture window.

PARIS

Moron! When I say "a VIP," I mean a VIP.

WOMAN

I got them coffee.

PARIS

If we were Starbucks, you'd be employee of the month. Since we're not, you're just the first Smith grad I've fired this week.

PARIS

Lorelai! So great to see you! I am so sorry for the wait.

LORELAI

Paris, that's fine.

PARIS

Don't stand there shaking. Just go. Apologize to your parents. Tell them you'll pay them back for the semesters you studied Buffy the Vampire Slayer's effect on the feminist agenda. Okay, so, hello, Luke.

LUKE

Hi.

PARIS

You remember me.

LUKE

You're hard to forget.

PARIS

Flattering. Let's go.

PARIS

OFFICE

PARIS

Now, I rarely act as a case personal liaison anymore, but when I heard it was you coming in, I said, "That woman was practically my second mother. No one else is handling this case."

LORELAI

Aw, that's very sweet of you, Paris.

PARIS

So, the spiel. Dynasty Makers. We are the largest full service fertility and surrogacy clinic in the Western Hemisphere. No other company offers more services, medical and legal, and no company has a higher approval rating. Did you check Yelp?

LORELAI

No.

PARIS

Check Yelp.

LORELAI

Oh.

PARIS

So, you know how this works?

LORELAI

Uh, we look through there and pick?

PARIS

Give me that. [Drops the binder on the floor.] Bargain basement breeders. I'm not letting any of those bottle service bimbos carry your baby. No, for you I pull out the prime meat.

LUKE

[To Lorelai.] Am I blacking out?

PARIS

How's Rory? She back from London?

LORELAI

She was, but she's there now.

PARIS

Hard to keep track of our girl, huh?

LORELAI

Yeah.

PARIS

Okay. So, it's pretty cut and dry here. We plant an egg in a viable body, we fertilize it and out comes a baby. Bing bang boom. Have you thought about eggs?

LORELAI

Uh...

PARIS

Using eggs over age 44 with IVF, the chances of having a baby is about 1% per try.

LORELAI

Wow, super fun fact.

PARIS

She keep you in stitches, this one?

LUKE

Oh, yeah. Hey, how much is this gonna cost?

PARIS

A lot. But, again, Lorelai's the only mother I ever had, except for Nanny Soledad, so there's mondo discounts involved.

LUKE

How much time did you spend with this girl?

PARIS

So, Luke.

LUKE

Yeah.

PARIS

How are the boys?

LUKE

What? What is she doing?

LORELAI

I don't know.

PARIS

I'm good at visually sussing out the situation down there.

LUKE

Please stop sussing.

PARIS

Just from a cursory glance, you seem symmetrical and well balanced. Make sure he sticks with the boxers. Okay, here's a sampling of what we've got. Blondes, brunettes and redheads. Tall, short, athletic, artsy. We even got 'em with a little extra junk in the trunk, if you secretly like 'em that way, Luke.

LUKE

I'm sorry. Am I or am I not having sex with this woman?

PARIS

That's a sick thought. Of course you're not having sex with her. She's married.

LUKE

You made it sound like...

PARIS

We've got Jews, Christians, Muslims, Hindus, atheists, one Wiccan, and for a premium, you can get the cream of the crop, top of the line, army wives. Sturdy, reliable, great at packing. Oh, wait, sorry. I have to take her off the available list. She just conceived. Very high profile client. Let's just call him... Doogie Howser.

LUKE

You mean Neil Patrick Harris?

PARIS

Wow. Little louder, please. Okay, so now his cover's blown, but, yes, it's Neil Patrick Harris.

LUKE

What kind of a cover

LORELAI

It's Neil Patrick Harris. Did you hear? It's Neil Patrick Harris.

LUKE

I did hear, yes.

LORELAI

Neil Patrick Harris.

PARIS

You look upset, Luke.

LUKE

No I’m not upset. What makes you think I'm upset?

PARIS

You're not excited about Neil Patrick Harris.

LUKE

I'm very excited for Neil Patrick Harris if this is what he wants.

PARIS

Is it not what you want?

LUKE

I...

PARIS

I understand. It's a big decision, having kids. There's rewards, but also constant panic and worry. Are they healthy? Does everything work? Are they smart? McDonald's fry stations are filled with college educated moderate achievers. And then there's the lottery of nature. I mean, I said to Neil, "Are you prepared to have a really unattractive child that would not look good on camera? Would you be okay if your child was not an actor but an agent?"

LUKE

I need to leave.

LORELAI

Luke, wait. [sighs] Oh. [sighs] Sorry, Paris, I...

PAUL

Yes. Go. Talk it through. I'll send you a DVD of my top picks. I'll also include a copy of Gone Girl. NPH was great in that.

LORELAI

Thanks.

LUKE

No.

NAOMI

Thank you, Francis. Oh, sod it, bring the bottle. We're celebrating.

RORY

[Chuckles]

NAOMI

I love coming here because they hate that I do.

RORY

Really?

NAOMI

They wouldn't let women in until the mid '80s. And then it was only supposed to be well behaved wives with tiny feet, not hellions like myself.

RORY

[chuckles]

NAOMI

I helped kick open those doors. Oh, thank you, love.

WAITER

My pleasure, Ms. Shropshire.

NAOMI

So, to us.

RORY

Hellions in arms.

NAOMI

[chuckles] Mmm. I must tell you, I've had such amazing feedback for the Talk of the Town piece. Far more than for anything I've ever written.

RORY

Oh, I doubt that.

NAOMI

So, the book.

RORY

Yes.

NAOMI

I go back and forth, back and forth, you know. I never really wanted to write about myself. My fields are feminism, environmentalism, and who am I? [breathes deeply] But if I found someone really like minded who I could write it with, somebody like yourself... Well, that's intriguing.

RORY

You know I've never done anything like this before.

NAOMI

Oh I don't care about that. I only care that it's honest. I want to be seen as I am, warts and all.

RORY

I'm great with warts.

NAOMI

Even if I waver, if I let my vanity in the door, you must remain steadfast. Francis, what is that?

FRANCIS

[Waiter from before.] Uh, this is the fluke carpaccio with lime and chilies.

NAOMI

Is it? And who's the genius who ordered this magnificent dish?

FRANCIS

Uh, Dr. Reynolds over there.

NAOMI

Hmm... Would it be possible for this particular plate to go missing and for you to rush back and get another one for the darling doctor over there?

FRANCIS

Uh, of course, Naomi.

NAOMI

[chuckles] Oh, it's delicious. Everything tastes so much better when it's stolen. Mmm, that is good.

NAOMI

Mmm, so, let's talk time frame.

RORY

I think it'll be about eight weeks to work up a proposal for the publishers and supply a sample chapter. How much access can you give me? Interviews are everything.

NAOMI

Oh, full access, darling. Follow me everywhere except the loo.

RORY

[chuckles]

NAOMI

Actually, the loo's fine, too. Francis, who's that burger for?

FRANCIS

Um, Ms. Kipney.

NAOMI

Trust me, she won't enjoy it. Half of it's going to her dog.

RORY

So, um, the only thing left to discuss is financial stuff. The lawyers can do that, right?

NAOMI

It's 50/50. Split down the middle. We're in this together. Yes?

RORY

Yes.

NAOMI

Right. Now, keep your eyes peeled for dessert.

RORY

[Chuckles as she starts eating her half of the burger.]

RORY

I can't believe it's only two o'clock. Two o'clock in the afternoon. I feel like I've been awake for days. It's the jet lag. And the bourbon. I drank straight bourbon. I'm now a midday straight bourbon drinker. [chuckles] I'm gonna have to learn to keep up with Naomi if I'm going to write this book. I mean she drinks as fast as she talks and she never seems to get tipsy at all. If anything she seemed to get smarter and more coherent. Or maybe she just seems smarter and more coherent. Or maybe she just seams to get smarted and more coherent. This is great, right? I mean, now I have something concrete to talk about at my Condé Nast meeting, and she already mentioned publishing excerpts in Vanity Fair, which would be amazing. It's not really what I do, but it's good for now. [sighs] And it's money. Money is nice. So now I just have to hang out with her more to get a handle on the first few chapters so we can bid it out and see who wants it. Well that starts in a month, when she gets back from India. So basically, I had a good day. How was your day?

LOGAN

Well, I had my dry cleaning delivered.

RORY

Oh, I think I win.

LOGAN

I don't know. I really like these pants, so... I'm glad it went well.

RORY

It did.

LOGAN

Tonight, I'll take you out to celebrate.

RORY

I'd like that.

LOGAN

And tomorrow, I'll tell you all I've heard about Naomi Shropshire.

RORY

I don't care if she's difficult.

LOGAN

Oh, she's difficult and a little weird.

RORY

Well, I like weird. I was formed by weird.

LOGAN

If it comes together it could be great, and you deserve that.

RORY

I do. I do deserve that. Did I tell you she lost her shoes at the club?

LOGAN

You did not.

RORY

I didn't even notice until we were leaving. She was walking as if she had shoes on. Then I mention it and she said, "I left them somewhere." How do you leave them somewhere? It's snowing outside.

LOGAN

See? Weird.

RORY

Weird makes good copy.

LOGAN

So does a great writer.

RORY

Wow those pants did put you in a good mood. Do you have to go back to work?

LOGAN

The pants can't be the accomplishment of my day. Plus, I have competition now. You're going to be an author.

RORY

It's not like I'm John McPhee.

LOGAN

Yet. I'll send the car for you at 8:00.

RORY

I'm gonna use your desktop, okay?

LOGAN

All yours.

RORY

Where are those boxes I sent here?

LOGAN

The maid stuffed them in the closet.

RORY

I need to look for something.

LOGAN

Your lucky outfit?

RORY

Do not mock.

LOGAN

[chuckles] I am not mocking. It's a great outfit. You were wearing it when I saw you in Hamburg.

RORY

Hey, is there anything in here that you don't want me to see?

LOGAN

Like body parts?

RORY

That would be on the list, sure. No, like, uh... other girl's things.

LOGAN

All clear.

RORY

Okay.

LOGAN

Hey... I wouldn't do that. Leave things around for you just to...

RORY

I wasn't accusing...

LOGAN

I know. I'm just...

RORY

Look, we have an agreement. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

LOGAN

[sighs] We do.

RORY

And when we leave Vegas, we forget about Vegas until we're back in Vegas and then it's just us in Vegas until... Throw me a rope, man.

LOGAN

I'll see you at 8:00.

LOGAN

Your phone.

RORY

What's it say?

LOGAN

"Paul dinner. Don't forget."

RORY

Oh, crap.

LOGAN

That's a lot of exclamation points.

RORY

I forgot.

LOGAN

It was the excitement about my pants right?

RORY

Go. Vegas.

LOGAN

Yes. Vegas.

RORY

[sighs] I've got to break up with this guy.

WOMAN

Excuse me, your password?

LUKE

Wafflehousebutterbob.

WOMAN

Cute.

LUKE

Isn't it, though?

PARIS

[Entering dinner] Okay, I'm here now. Uh-huh. You two, park it over there. No, there is no return policy. What's she going to return? It's a baby. I'll call and see if she wants it, but last time it was Brad who put the kibosh on it. Hello, Luke.

LUKE

Paris, hey.

PARIS

[To Caesar] Could you bring them a salad, no croutons? Don't let them con you into Diet Cokes. [To Luke] I wanted to apologize for the other day.

LUKE

Oh no need.

PARIS

I've been in this racket for years and sometimes I'm a little too "let's get down to it." You know. Think I may have scared you a bit.

LUKE

Not at all.

PARIS

Look, you just need to know I'm good. I'm the Pablo Escobar of the fertility world. I move the best product, and I would like to help.

LUKE

I appreciate that, but

PARIS

I get it. You're a small town boy. You get your milk from a cow.

LUKE

Actually, everybody gets their milk from a cow.

PARIS

So I thought I'd make it a little more homey for you. Girls, I'd like to you meet Luke Danes. Jill and Jane are two of my top breeders.

LUKE

Excuse me?

PARIS

I thought you could all sit and talk. Get to know them. Ask them questions. Challenge Jill to an arm wrestle. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.

MICHEL

Dragonfly Inn.

LUKE

Michel, put Lorelai on the phone.

MICHEL

Who is calling?

LUKE

Michel!

MICHEL

Oh, Luke. How nice to hear your siren call.

LUKE

Michel you find Lorelai and tell her that there are two arm wrestling breeders here and I need her help!

MICHEL

What?

RORY

Paris?

PARIS

Rory, hi!

RORY

What are you doing here?

PARIS

Oh, I'm working.

RORY

Here?

PARIS

Wherever there's an old or defective uterus.

LUKE

I did not hang up, Michel!

PARIS

You eating?

RORY

No, I'm actually just grabbing a coffee. So jet lagged. [Goes behind the counter to get her own coffee.] Then I'm heading to your place. Oh, can I crash at your place?

PARIS

Absolutely, you have the key.

LUKE

Find her!

RORY

I have to run an errand first. You wanna come with?

PARIS

Sure. Ladies, I'll be back in a few. Close the deal.

WOMAN

Excuse me? I don't think the WiFi is working.

LUKE

Capital "B" on "butter." Yeah, I'm still here, Michel.

TAYLOR

Luke!

LUKE

Not now, Taylor.

TAYLOR

Well, then when? I have called, I've left messages, I even slipped folded notes under your door at night.

LUKE

Which I turned over to the FBI.

TAYLOR

I know for a fact that you have had septic tank issues.

LUKE

Taylor, do you see people in here trying to eat?

TAYLOR

I do. And you know what happens after they eat?

LUKE

Oh, jeez...

WOMAN

It's still not working.

TAYLOR

Luke, I love this town. Do you love this town?

LUKE

No.

WOMAN

Excuse me. Could the capital "B" be on "bob," not "butter"?

TAYLOR

I think this town is destined for greatness. All the pieces are there. It's just a matter of finding that special something to put it over the top.

LUKE

Like a sewer system.

TAYLOR

Yes, because when you have a sewer system, then you're part of something bigger than yourself. Like the universe, only more hygienic.

LUKE

Taylor

WOMAN

I'm sorry. The password is still not working.

TAYLOR

[Upset] Of course the password's not working! It's fake! He has been giving out fake passwords ever since he got WiFi in this damn place! How stupid are you people anyway? He doesn't want to give out his password because he doesn't want you here checking your Facebook, or answering your emails, or YouTubing Zoella, or whatever the hell it is you're doing. This isn't your office. It's a diner! Go home! Pay for WiFi! I do. I... can't... [sighs] You know what? Never mind. [sighs] I was wrong. You don't deserve perpetually unclogged toilets. [groans]

LANE

Taylor!

TAYLOR

Really? Now that I've gotten...

LUKE

Hell of a week.

WOMAN

[Singing]

TROUBADOUR

Hey!

WOMAN

Crap!

TROUBADOUR

Come back here!

WOMAN

Stop it! What is wrong with you?

TROUBADOUR

I told you! My town, my corner!

WOMAN

But I'm your sister!

TROUBADOUR

No proof of that.

WOMAN

Ask Mom!

TROUBADOUR

Mom lies! You better run, little sister!

PARIS

It was over the minute he wanted to do something creative.

RORY

Wow, you and Doyle split.

PARIS

He's a screenwriter now. Have you been to the movies lately?

RORY

I know.

PARIS

Suddenly he's in jeans and wearing faded $200 rock T-Shirts with bands on them he's never seen. He's flying out to "the coast," as if this is not a coast. He drinks vodka because it has less carbs. Then he started selling things and I realized, "This is going to stick."

RORY

I am so sorry.

PARIS

It's fine. I'll kill him in court.

RORY

Sure.

PARIS

I'll be using that Def Leppard T-Shirt to clean my windows.

WOMAN

I've been waiting a half hour! It's freezing!

KIRK

You shouldn't have four starred me last time.

RORY

Don't you maybe wanna try to work it out nicely? I mean you guys have kids and you were a good team at one point.

PARIS

That was before Brett Ratner gave him the keys to his pool house.

KIRK

Okay, ladies. You have arrived.

RORY

Thanks, Kirk.

KIRK

You're welcome. Come again. And does Lane have an extension cord?

RORY

I'll see. I know you guys were friends, but if push came to shove, and we had to make T-Shirts...

RORY

Team Paris all the way

PARIS

Thanks. Can you say he felt you up at a party for the deposition?

RORY

No.

PARIS

You're all I've got. Our nanny looks like Benicio Del Toro.

LANE

Oh, you're here.

KIRK

Remember to call my mom to rate me!

RORY

Lane, you remember Paris.

LANE

I do. Hi.

PARIS

Hi.

LANE

Um, do you still need your boxes?

RORY

Yes, definitely.

WOMAN

Oh, Kirk, come on!

LANE

I had Zach pull them out for you.

ZACH

You're welcome.

RORY

Thanks, Zach.

ZACH

Don't look at me. I'm not me.

LANE

Oh what are you trying to find?

RORY

My lucky outfit.

ZACH

What is it, like, a cheerleader uniform?

RORY

Yes, exactly like that.

PARIS

Is this your house?

LANE

Yep.

PARIS

Who gets it when you split?

LANE

What?

BRIAN

Is he him yet?

ZACH

No! Rory, are you staying in the spare room?

RORY

No, it's all yours, Brian.

ZACH

Did you get beer?

LANE

There should be some in there. Uh, can I help?

RORY

Um, yeah. Look through this box. I'm looking for a red dress, full skirt.

LANE

Okay, red dress, full skirt. Oh, this is nice. Wear this.

RORY

No, it has to be my lucky outfit. My Condé Nast meeting is in two days and I have to find that outfit.

GIL

Is he him yet?

ZACH

No, he's not! I didn't ask for this promotion, okay? Back off.

GIL

There's nothing wrong with bringing home the bacon.

RORY

Well, it's not in here. [sighs]

ZACH

Okay. I'm me. Steve! Kwan! Come in here! Help your Aunt Rory find her outfit.

PARIS

Who did your work?

LANE

What?

PARIS

Them. Friedman?

LANE

I...

PARIS

Rasouli? Mendelssohn?

LANE

I just had them.

PARIS

Fine. Don't tell me.

RORY

Hey.

LORELAI

To answer your 43,000 frantic voicemails, you do not have anything at the dry cleaners.

RORY

Rats.

PARIS

Seriously, it was Kopelson, right? It wasn't natural. Your husband's junk isn't symmetrical.

ZACH

Hey wait, what?

RORY

It's not here. Maybe it's at Grandma's.

LORELAI

How was London?

RORY

[sighs] Great.

LORELAI

Where'd you stay?

RORY

With Didi. Same as always.

LORELAI

I love that you have a friend named Didi. Makes you sound so Fridays on ABC.

RORY

Have you spoken to Grandma lately?

LORELAI

[grunts] Why?

RORY

It's been quiet regarding the blowup.

LORELAI

I've been busy.

RORY

You should call her. De-ice this situation.

LORELAI

I will.

RORY

When?

LORELAI

When it feels right.

RORY

You are both being stubborn.

LORELAI

Well, she started it.

RORY

Aren't we supposed to cut her all sorts of slack right now? I mean, she lost her husband. Did you ever imagine there'd be a Grandma without a Grandpa?

LORELAI

No.

RORY

Check on her.

LORELAI

Fine. I'll check on her.

RORY

Good. Maybe while you're there, you can find my outfit.

LORELAI

Wow, the student surpasses the master.

RORY

[sniffles, sighs] Great.

LORELAI

What?

RORY

My Condé Nast meeting got pushed again.

LORELAI

Aw, sorry, hon. So you don't need that outfit after all?

RORY

Oh, man.

LORELAI

What now?

RORY

[sighs] Poor Paul.

LORELAI

Hey, you have got to...

RORY

I know, I know.

ZACH

All right, let's do this.

LANE

Yes!

PARIS

[To Rory.] So, are they serious?

LANE

One, two!

LORELAI

[Confused] Mom?

BERTA

Hola, hello.

LORELAI

Mom!

EMILY

Take that box and put it downstairs. Come back up here and get these presents.

LORELAI

Mom, are you here?

EMILY

Lorelai? I didn't know you were coming.

LORELAI

[Gasps] Holy shit! [Emily is dress in jeans and a t-shirt.]

EMILY

Berta, these boxes need to go outside.

LORELAI

What? What? What?

EMILY

They go outside. Take the boxes. Oh, good. Did you call?

LORELAI

[stutters] Did I?

EMILY

Because today is a very bad day.

LORELAI

What is going on? Who are all these people?

EMILY

Well, that's Berta.

LORELAI

I know Berta.

EMILY

That's Berta's husband. No, that's Berta's husband, that's his brother, and I think those are someone's parents.

LORELAI

And the kids?

EMILY

I thought they were all hers, but now I'm not sure. No, this goes.

LORELAI

[stuttering] Mom... what... Can we get a minute?

EMILY

Fine. Uh, could you all give us a minute alone?

LORELAI

Mom, "alone" looks a lot like gas.

EMILY

I don't know how else to communicate with them. Leonard Marlin's daughter works at the UN. I had her come over. She doesn't know what language they speak, either.

LORELAI

Mom, what is going on here?

EMILY

You mean with the house?

LORELAI

Sure start with the house.

EMILY

I'm decluttering my life. You know Marie Kondo?

LORELAI

No.

EMILY

You don't?

LORELAI

No.

EMILY

She's Japanese.

LORELAI

Okay.

EMILY

You still don't know her?

LORELAI

She's Japanese?

EMILY

Yes.

LORELAI

No.

EMILY

Well she wrote a best selling book on decluttering. So, I'm decluttering. I was starting to feel claustrophobic. I'd wake up in the night feeling like the house is closing in on me. Like I couldn't breathe, you know?

LORELAI

Oh, yes, I know.

EMILY

One of the ladies in my garden club bought this book, The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up. She said it made everything better. Are you paying attention?

LORELAI

The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up?

EMILY

You know it?

LORELAI

Was it written by that Japanese woman, Marie Kondo?

EMILY

Yes.

LORELAI

No.

EMILY

Well, people swear by her. She tells you to take everything you own and put it in piles on the ground. Then you pick up each possession and you hold it. If it brings you joy, you keep it, and if it doesn't, out it goes. [Picks up a dress.] No joy.

LORELAI

Mom he's taking the dining room chairs.

EMILY

They don't bring me joy.

LORELAI

[sighs]

EMILY

This box needs to be taped. [To Lorelai.] Oh, by the way, if I get a terminal disease, I want to move to Washington State to die. They let you do that there.

LORELAI

Die? They let you die?

EMILY

With dignity and in your own time frame. [Lorelai goes to the drinks trolly.] I'll die there and then you need to ship me back here for burial, which costs a fortune, I found out. So, in the safe there's an envelope labeled "body shipping cash." I could also go to Vermont, but we vacationed there once and it was terrible. Squirrels. So, Washington it is. [Hand Emily a drink.] It's the middle of the day.

LORELAI

Taste it. See if it brings you joy.

EMILY

Oh, God. [sighs] I haven't sat down in six hours.

LORELAI

Cheers.

EMILY

[sighs]

LORELAI

So come on, Mom, talk to me. [sighs] Why are you wearing jeans?

EMILY

What?

LORELAI

Because it's terrifying.

EMILY

I started this process with my closet. Nothing I owned brought me joy, so I ran out of clothes. I don't know where I got these.

LORELAI

They're mine.

EMILY

They are?

LORELAI

Did you not notice the Billy Squier patch on the butt?

EMILY

You can have them back, when I’m done.

LORELAI

I have not been pining for them.

EMILY

I have to get back to work. Kitchen's next.

LORELAI

Stop. You're not gonna have anything left.

EMILY

That's okay. What I do have will bring me joy.

LORELAI

Mom... nothing is gonna bring you joy right now. Nothing. Your husband just died. When some time passes and you realize you've given away all of your carefully chosen stuff, you're going to track down and kill Marie Kondo. Then you're gonna go to jail wearing those jeans, and the Winchester Mystery Family will be living here in your ball gowns.

EMILY

I don't know how to do this.

LORELAI

Do what?

EMILY

Live my life.

LORELAI

Oh, Mom...

EMILY

I don't know what to do or where to go. I've forgotten which side of the bed to sleep on. I was married for 50 years. Half of me is gone. Ah, you don't understand.

LORELAI

I understand.

EMILY

You can't understand. You're not married.

LORELAI

Luke and I are as good as married.

EMILY

No, you're roommates. Someday you'll go off and find another roommate. I had a real partner for 50 years and now I'm alone.

LORELAI

[Sighs deeply] Are you still going to that grief group?

EMILY

Oh, God, no.

LORELAI

Why not?

EMILY

All those women with red noses and Skechers. All they do is sit around and complain.

LORELAI

What an annoying grief group.

EMILY

I swear when it's my turn, there's no time left to talk about me.

LORELAI

Right.

EMILY

I have problems. I can't help them.

LORELAI

Well, what about seeing someone one on one?

EMILY

What do you mean?

LORELAI

You know, just you and them.

EMILY

Who?

LORELAI

Just a person.

EMILY

What kind of person?

LORELAI

A normal person with an office and a prescription pad.

EMILY

You mean a psychiatrist.

LORELAI

That could work, too.

EMILY

You want me to go to therapy.

LORELAI

just for a while, till you get back on your feet.

EMILY

I knew it. You have been trying to get me to a therapist ever since you saw that Tony Soprano show.

LORELAI

I have not. He did make it look cool though, right?

EMILY

No.

LORELAI

What's the big deal?

EMILY

I'm not crazy.

LORELAI

No. You're in pain. This is uncharted territory. If it might help, what's the harm?

EMILY

I'll think about it.

LORELAI

Okay. But really consider it.

EMILY

I will.

LORELAI

And if you do it, commit. You know, really go for it.

EMILY

I will.

LORELAI

Jump in with both feet. Five, six days a week. Really Woody Allen the hell out of it.

EMILY

I got it.

LORELAI

'Cause he's totally normal now.

EMILY

I promise, Lorelai.

EMILY

I'd better try to get my bedroom set back.

LORELAI

Okay, but first, don't you think you want to...

EMILY

What? [Points at her outfit.] Oh, God, yes.

TROUBADOUR

[Singing] Hey, sweet Annie Don't take it so bad You know the summer's coming soon Though the interstate is choking Under salty, dirty sand And it seems the sun Is hiding from the moon The snow is coming down On our New England town And it's been falling all day long...

LORELAI

Oy! Danesy boy!

LUKE

So dressing up of the dog extends to outside of the house now, huh?

LORELAI

Oh no he wanted to go public. It's a whole new world.

LUKE

Uh-huh.

LORELAI

I can only support with love, not judgment.

LUKE

So that's me.

LORELAI

Yeah. [chuckles]

LUKE

And that's...

LORELAI

It's his order pad and pencil.

LUKE

Sure, sure. And the baseball cap?

LORELAI

His head's too big. None of yours fit.

LUKE

Oh, okay. Let's get a drink.

LORELAI

Okay.

TAYLOR

My man!

LORELAI

Do I want to know what that's

LUKE

No. You don't.

LORELAI

[Cell phone vibrating] Okay. Oh.

LUKE

What?

LORELAI

Uh, nothing.

LUKE

What's up?

LORELAI

It's just Paris sending me pictures of potential, you know... She's tall. Want to start a basketball team?

LUKE

Uh, didn't you say we're not doing that?

LORELAI

Oh, I emailed her that we're tabling it.

LUKE

Tabling it?

LORELAI

Back burnering it?

LUKE

Just tell her no.

LORELAI

That's what tabling means.

LUKE

No. That means you'll do it eventually. Are we doing it eventually?

LORELAI

No. You said no.

LUKE

And you said no.

LORELAI

We both said no. So... [Typing] Don't need a surrogate. Done. Let's get that drink.

LUKE

[softly] Okay. Two big gloggs.

LORELAI

Hey, Kirk. Taking the day off of Ööö bering?

KIRK

I don't know what you're talking about.

LORELAI

You know, Öööber.

KIRK

No.

LORELAI

Kirk, Ööö

KIRK

Stop making that noise. And if anyone from the wonderful Uber corporation or their handsome attorneys contacts you, please tell them it was my brother and not me, who recklessly violated trademark laws and perpetrated fraud. Dirk has always been a disappointment to the family. Your Gloggs.

LORELAI

Kirk

KIRK

Next!

GYPSY

Okay. Your car is done. I do not guarantee it will make it home, or even out of the gas station.

LORELAI

I bet it will.

GYPSY

Come get it now. It's idling. I'm afraid to turn it off.

LORELAI

Okay, we'll be right there. Love you.

GYPSY

Buy a new car.

LORELAI

Where's Paul Anka?

LUKE

He's off chasing ice skaters.

LORELAI

[Cell phone vibrates.] Oh, boy. Hi, Mom.

EMILY

You answered.

LORELAI

I did.

EMILY

You never answer.

LORELAI

Sure I do.

EMILY

Are you drunk?

LORELAI

Mom, what can I help you with?

EMILY

I just wanted you to know that I took your advice.

LORELAI

Are you drunk?

EMILY

I found a therapist.

LORELAI

You're kidding.

EMILY

Linda in my garden club is bipolar, so I asked if she had someone she could recommend.

LORELAI

Good thinking.

EMILY

She's a lovely woman.

LORELAI

Linda?

EMILY

No. The therapist. Linda's a nightmare. She cries if the tea is cold. But the therapist is wonderful. Very tasteful office. She burns a candle that smells so delicious, I bought one to have at home.

LORELAI

Sounds great.

EMILY

I could get one for you.

LORELAI

Sure.

EMILY

I go there once a week and we just talk. Talk about anything. Or nothing if there's nothing on my mind.

LORELAI

Sounds great, Mom.

EMILY

She told me to get rid of the Marie Kondo book.

LORELAI

I like her already. [To Luke] Hey, I did something right.

LUKE

Law of averages.

EMILY

I bought a notebook so I can write down things I want to discuss with her. That way I won't forget.

LORELAI

Very sensible.

EMILY

And I told her it was your idea that I come see her.

LORELAI

You did?

EMILY

I did. Thank you, Lorelai. Thank you for suggesting it. I think it's exactly what I needed.

LORELAI

Wow, I'm so glad, Mom. Really.

EMILY

I'd love for you to meet her sometime.

LORELAI

Sure.

EMILY

Maybe next time I go, you could come by.

LORELAI

Oh, Mom, I would love to meet your therapist.

EMILY

Really? Great. I go on Tuesday at 3:00.

LORELAI

Tuesday's probably fine.

EMILY

Wonderful! Oh, you're going to love her. I'll text you the address?

LORELAI

Text away.

LUKE

[Sighs]

EMILY

See you then.

LORELAI

See you then, Mom. Bye. [To Luke] What sort of attack are you having?

LUKE

Are you crazy?

LORELAI

Why?

LUKE

You're going to therapy with your mother!

LORELAI

No, I'm not.

LUKE

Yes, you are.

LORELAI

She wants me to meet her.

LUKE

What do you think that means?

LORELAI

Luke, look. [scoffs] My mother took my advice. Do you understand what I'm saying? The advice that I gave her, she took it. That's never happened before. Ever. She's feeling good about it and just wanted me to meet her... Oh, crap! I'm going to therapy with my mother!

LORELAI

Oh, boy.

LUKE

Come on.