T1E4: “The Deer Hunters”

LORELAI

Shopping for school supplies - party.

RORY

Nobody demanded that you come.

LORELAI

Are you kidding? How of ten do you get to do things like this? I was thinking, while we're going crazy, we should get some toilet paper and a plunger next.

RORY

I'll just do this later.

LORELAI

No, I'm teasing. Come on, get that list of your.

RORY

Ok [puts out a list] I need legal pads,

LORELAI

Got it.

RORY

Tons of pens,

LORELAI

Right.

RORY

Some number 2 pencils, three highlighters, an eraser a staple remover and a folder.

LORELAI

You need 3 highlighters?

RORY

Yes.

LORELAI

Three?

RORY

Yes.

LORELAI

That's a very random number.

RORY

Three is not a random number.

LORELAI

No but I mean how did you get to the number 3?

RORY

One dries up, one gets lost, I have one left.

LORELAI

You have really thought this out.

RORY

Yes, I have.

LORELAI

What came first - the chicken or the egg.

RORY

Can we get back to this list please.

LORELAI

Alright. Ooh, hey, legal pads.

RORY

No. Those are purple.

LORELAI

Yes, purple is festive.

RORY

I can't have purple

LORELAI

Yes you can, they're on sale.

RORY

I'm going to a serious school now, I need serious paper.

LORELAI

Paper's paper.

RORY

Not at Chilton.

LORELAI

Alright, fine. Here is your serious paper.

RORY

Thank you.

LORELAI

Ooh and here are you somber highlighters, your maudlin pencils, your manic-depressive pens.

RORY

Mom

LORELAI

Now these erasers are on lithium so they may seem cheerful but we actually caught them trying to shove themselves in the pencil sharpener earlier.

RORY

I'm going home now.

LORELAI

No wait! We're going to stage an intervention with the neon post-its and make them give up their wacky crazy ways.

RORY

You're never coming shopping with me again.

LORELAI

Ooh here's a card tray - [fades into intro]

MAX

Decent effort by most [handing back tests] Good effort by some, exceptional effort by two. Miss Geller, Miss Grant. Ms. Graham. Miss Gilmore [ hands Rory her paper with a 'D'] Take these home, learn from your mistakes. Look at the large red circles around various parts of your paper as friendly reminders that to err is human. And that here at Chilton we try to beat that humanity right outta ya! Ok, next up. The test - the dreaded test. Shakespeare! The man we've been droning on about for the last three weeks, finally comes back to haunt us on Friday. This is a big one my friends - multiple choice with an essay section that will count for 20% of your grade for this semester. And don't be fooled by my kind face and charming personality. This test will be hard, and there will be no makeups. [bell rings] Refer to the study materials that I gave you at the beginning of the month and those extensive notes I know you've been taking.

PARIS

Hard paper.

LOUISE

Killer.

PARIS

How'd you do?

LOUISE

'A'

PARIS

Me too.

LOUISE

Oh small world.

PARIS

Isn't it? Madeline what'd you get?

MADELINE

You know I got a 'B'

PARIS

A 'B's not bad.

LOUISE

Oh not at all.

PARIS

Respectable even

LOUISE

I'd be proud.

PARIS

A 'D' however, that would be cause for concern.

LOUISE

A cry for help.

PARIS

A job application at McDonald's.

LOUISE

Would you like fries with that?

PARIS

Hey, you know, not everybody can be smart. As my mother always says, somebody has to answer the phones.

MADELINE

Ok, I have no idea what you two are talking about.

PARIS

No, but Rory does. [as the three go in another direction]

TRISTIN

Hey Mary.

RORY

And it just keeps getting better.

TRISTIN

Oh you look sad.

RORY

I'm fine.

TRISTIN

Bad grade?

RORY

I have to go.

TRISTIN

You know what Mary, [stopping her] see I can't figure out why we're not friends. I think it's because I make you nervous.

RORY

I think it's because you can't learn my name.

TRISTIN

Do you have a boyfriend?

RORY

None of your business.

TRISTIN

Is that a 'no'?

RORY

Is there no one else at this school you can bother?

TRISTIN

See, I think you like me, you just don't know how to say it.

RORY

Oh boy.

TRISTIN

What are you doing Friday night?

RORY

I'm busy.

TRISTIN

What, you gotta be back at the convent by 5.

RORY

Please leave me alone.

TRISTIN

Well... since you said please [steps aside] Later... Mary.

MICHEL

Aah! You imbecil!!

DRELLA

Back off chevalier.

MICHEL

You're stupid, blind and clumsy.

DRELLA

Well at least I'm not French.

LORELAI

Hey, what's going on?

MICHEL

She ran over my shoe.

DRELLA

He got in the way.

MICHEL

You aimed for me.

DRELLA

Yeah well.

LORELAI

Ok, hold on.

MICHEL

She scratched my shoes.

DRELLA

What a baby.

MICHEL

These are $300 Italian loafers.

DRELLA

Wonder if Versace makes a pacifier.

MICHEL

You're fired.

LORELAI

Excuse me?

DRELLA

You can't fire me.

MICHEL

Then I dock your pay.

LORELAI

Alright.

MICHEL

Can I kill her.

LORELAI

Not before high tea.

MICHEL

Fine, then I will curse you constantly and in several languages.

DRELLA

Going for the other foot.

LORELAI

Oh no! Drella, to your corner now [Drella leaves]

MICHEL

I win.

LORELAI

Michel you're a grown man, now go to your desk and act like one.

LORELAI

Oh my God! [goes to kitchen]

LORELAI

Sookie, Sookie.

SOOKIE

Ok, ok, just a minute.

LORELAI

I've got it.

SOOKIE

The review?

LORELAI

It's here.

SOOKIE

Ooh, where it is?

LORELAI

I'm looking.

LORELAI

Oh, behold in theaters now, the thing that reads a lot

RORY

Chocolate?

SOOKIE

Glass measuring cup. Lorelai look, look.

LORELAI

I'm sorry.

RORY

Jeez, who's naked?

LORELAI

Uh, Lucent Mills - food critic.

RORY

Yeah? How's his butt?

LORELAI

Oh, no. He's supposed to do a review of the restaurant - oh, here it is.

SOOKIE

Is it - its it good? Is he mean, should I cry?

LORELAI

Here we go. 'The words divine, delectable and delirious don't begin to describe the delicious experience of dining at the Independence Inn.' Oh I'm smelling rave!!

SOOKIE

Really?

LORELAI

'Only chef Sookie St. James can make a simple salad of hot house tomatoes and assorted fresh herbs seem like a religious experience. Her lobster bisque is worth every sinful cream filled rich sip'

SOOKIE

See I don't use that much cream. I just use a very concentrated lobster stock and it really makes it -

LORELAI

Sookie, he's not here.

SOOKIE

Ok, go on.

LORELAI

'The entrees are as heavenly as the starters. Though the much lauded risotto was perfectly fine, it was the simple handkerchief pasta with brown sage in a butter sauce that sent me through the roof' Sookie this is unbelievable! I'm going to have this framed for the dining room!

SOOKIE

Oh, yeah. That'd be swell. Can I see that again?

LORELAI

Yeah. So we should celebrate huh? [doing a little twisty dance step towards Rory] Girls on the town?

RORY

I can't. I have to study.

SOOKIE

You know I should really get started on this shopping list.

LORELAI

What is going on here? We are young and fiery women. Studying? Shopping lists? Where's 'to hell with it all'? Where's 'Throwing caution to the wind'? Where's - oh shoot - the linen delivery [leaves]

RORY

You go girl.

LORELAI

News is on.

RORY

One sec.

LORELAI

[to herself]For our top story tonight, a grisly horrible thing that happened in a small town where not grisly horrible things ever happen. Everyone's shocked. House slides down hill. Liposuction kills, stay fat. [turns off tv] Hey let's get ice cream. I'm bored. [goes into kitchen where Rory is studying] Hello?

RORY

Mom, I'm studying.

LORELAI

Yeah, but I'm talking ice cream. Can't you take a break?

RORY

I can't take a break right now.

LORELAI

Ok, when?

RORY

Are you four?

LORELAI

No, I'm hungry!

RORY

Have some more pizza.

LORELAI

It's cold.

RORY

Heat it up.

LORELAI

It's not the same.

RORY

Lorelai go to your room!

LORELAI

Wow, smart girls are mean.

RORY

If you let me study now, I'll play with you this weekend.

LORELAI

Promise.

RORY

Yes, we can do anything you want.

LORELAI

Will you go to the shoe sale with me.

RORY

Yes.

LORELAI

Will you let me try on anything I want.

RORY

Yes.

LORELAI

Will you help me push other people out of the way if they're going for my size?

RORY

I'll even run interference for you.

LORELAI

Alright, you've got a deal. [leaves kitchen]

RORY

Good.

LORELAI

[comes back in] So - I'm sorry - where did we land on the whole ice cream issue?

LORELAI

What?

RORY

Lane?!

LANE

Rory?!

RORY

Right or left?!

LANE

Left!

RORY

I thought you said left!

LANE

Sorry - my left, your right!

RORY

Ok. Marco...

LANE

Polo!

RORY

Marco...

LANE

Polo!

RORY

Hey Marco.

LANE

Hey Polo, you're late.

RORY

Sorry. What is that?

LANE

12 calories.

RORY

Here [gives her a snickers]

LANE

Oh my God bless you!

LANE

Man, what's that?

RORY

My notes.

LANE

Really?

RORY

I don't think Shakespeare knew himself this well

WOMAN

Ooh, I like, how much?

MRS. KIM

$500

WOMAN

Is that the best you can do?

MRS. KIM

$450

WOMAN

I'm not so sure [turns to leave]

MRS. KIM

$375 and you take it right now.

WOMAN

Sold

MRS. KIM

We appreciate your business. [to girls] Move.

RORY

[as they pack up their books] I really miss Stars Hollow High.

LANE

You're kidding right?

RORY

No. Chilton's just - I don't know, hard.

LANE

What do you care? You were always miss everything-so-easy-at-school. This should be a snap for you.

MRS. KIM

No, this is sold. Move. What's that? [at snickers]

RORY

Oh, that's mine.

MRS. KIM

That is chocolate covered death.

RORY

With a creamy caramel surprise.

LANE

Um, so this guy asked about you today.

RORY

What guy?

LANE

The new kid - tall, perfect.

RORY

What'd he want to know?

LANE

Where you were.

RORY

Well what'd you say?

LANE

Oh I told him you were just too smart for us and that you had to go to the genius school.

RORY

Oh.

LANE

He really like that. I guess he must be into brainy chicks.

RORY

Well I'll keep my eyes open for one for him. [putting stuff down on another table]

MRS. KIM

No - sold.

LANE

Mom.

MRS. KIM

Move.

LANE

Well where do you want us to go?

MRS. KIM

Library.

LANE

I hate sales!!

LORELAI

No Black Sabbath.

DRELLA

No one is listening.

LORELAI

No Black Sabbath, no Steely Dan, no Boston and no Queen.

DRELLA

What happened to make you so cold?

LORELAI

We like that Mozart [heads towards the kitchen.]

DRELLA

I am the Artie Shaw of harpists.

LORELAI

Sookie, I need coffee to go.

SOOKIE

[holding her head in her hands] There's fresh over there.

LORELAI

Ooh, good. [picks up an empty pot] Fresh in my first lifetime as Joan of Arc.

SOOKIE

Oh sorry. I thought I made fresh. Here. [pours water]

LORELAI

Bless you. I'm so exhausted and I have to drive into Hartford tonight to go to a parent/teacher meeting.

SOOKIE

[sadly] Sounds great.

LORELAI

Yeah. This school is so different from Stars Hollow you know. They send home like a thousand pages of updates every week. It's a very intense place.

SOOKIE

Uh - huh.

LORELAI

Last week there was a huge debate over whether plaid scrunchies were acceptable head wear. People took sides, things got ugly, the scrunchie motion finally passed and I'd like to think I was the tie breaker.

SOOKIE

That's nice.

LORELAI

Hey, what's the matter sweetie?

SOOKIE

He said it was fine.

LORELAI

Who said it was fine.

SOOKIE

Lucent Mills.

LORELAI

The restaurant critic.

SOOKIE

He said my risotto was fine.

LORELAI

Well isn't it?

SOOKIE

No it's not fine. Fine is a word you use when someone stops you on the street that you sort of know but you don't wanna talk to, so they ask you how you are and you say fine and that's just enough so they don't have to keep talking because they don't want to. And then they can feel good about themselves because they've been considerate enough to ask and then if God forbid something actually is wrong they'll actually sit down and take the time to listen, even though they don't want to.

LORELAI

Sweetie, I don't think he meant 'fine' as a slam or as a monologue.

SOOKIE

He couldn't have meant it any other way.

LORELAI

Sookie, I hate to see you get so upset over one little review.

SOOKIE

This is pride Lorelai. I mean you know about this risotto. I mean on my mother's deathbed -

LORELAI

You made the risotto and she lived three more years.

SOOKIE

She was supposed to be dead. The doctor said she wouldn't make it through the night.

LORELAI

And she lived because of the risotto - the magic risotto.

SOOKIE

And this guy had the nerve to say it was 'fine'

LORELAI

I don't think he knew the story.

SOOKIE

Urgh! [Jackson comes in]

JACKSON

Ok, now before you get all goofy on me, I don't have your procini's. I forgot them. I don't have any other excuse other than plain old stupid human error. And I have the morels, which I know you don't want. So come on - let me have it.

SOOKIE

Morels are fine.

JACKSON

[putting box down] Did anyone else feel the shift in the space-time continuum?

LORELAI

A reviewer didn't like the risotto.

JACKSON

The magic risotto? You're kidding.

LORELAI

Well, I gotta go, so try and cheer her up would you?

JACKSON

Uh sure.

LORELAI

[to Sookie] Sweetie please don't worry about it. Everyone knows you're the best.

JACKSON

So, I hear the huckleberry crops are gonna totally suck this year!

MAX

We are gonna be focusing on Elizabethan literature. Shakespeare, Marlowe, Bacon, Ben Jonson, John Webster -

DAD #1

Yeah, is Marlowe really that significant?

MAX

Well we wanna give as complete an overview as possible.

MOM #1

Yes but will he be included on the Advance Placement test?

MAX

Well we can't know exactly what will be on the AP test, but it will definitely be important for future studies when your kids hit their universities.

DAD #1

But to get there, they need to pass the AP test.

MAX

Right, well it's all important and it could all be on the test.

MOM #2

How do we find out?

MAX

Well you can bribe somebody on the AP committee [parents start to discuss amongst themselves]

MAX

I was just kidding. I'm just kidding.

LORELAI

I'm so sorry. I had this terrible pot hole incident. And - you don't care. Please go on. [walks into globe]

MAX

Whoa, whoa.

LORELAI

What in the world? [attempt at a joke that no one laughs at]

MAX

You ok?

LORELAI

Uh huh. I'll just sit now.

MAX

I don't think we've met.

LORELAI

Oh, I'm Lorelai Gilmore - Rory's mom.

MAX

Glad you could join us. [to parents] Rory is one of our new students.

MOM #1

How nice. Now the AP test -

MAX

Right well, we are preparing them as best we can [Lorelai serving herself some coffee]

MOM

I've hired a tutor for Bethany.

MAX

Always a valid option.

LORELAI

Mmm. Jesus, Mary, Joseph and a camel [whispers] This is really bad coffee. [louder] So this AP test, what are we going to do about it huh?

MAX

Well the next test is scheduled for next month, um, the 25th, Saturday at 7:00 am. [Lorelai raises her hand] Ms. Gilmore?

LORELAI

Uh, where is the test?

MAX

It will be given here.

LORELAI

Here.

MAX

Right.

LORELAI

Great.

MAX

Great, any other questions?

LORELAI

Yeah, um, can parents come?

MOM #1

What?!

LORELAI

Yeah, it's a big exciting test. I just thought - I'm sorry is that stupid?

MAX

No it's not stupid.

LORELAI

I just thought I'd like to see the excitement.

DAD #2

It's a test.

LORELAI

Yeah I know.

DAD #2

What's exciting about a test?

LORELAI

Do you play golf?

DAD #2

Yes I do.

LORELAI

You explain yours, I'll explain mine.

MAX

Ok, why don't we get back to the meeting.

MOM #1

[to Mom #2] That's the one who voted for the scrunchies.

MOM #2

Must be a scholarship student.

LORELAI

Um excuse me -

MAX

You know, I think this would be a good time for a break. There's coffee in the back.

MAX

What were you gonna do - hit her?

LORELAI

No, I just - I had some good verbal comebacks ready.

LORELAI

It - it just keeps getting worse.

MAX

Well you know not drinking it is always an option.

LORELAI

Not in my world.

MAX

I'm Max Medina.

LORELAI

Nice to meet you.

MAX

I apologize for the behaviors of some of our guests tonight. It's a tense time for some people.

LORELAI

The SAT season?

MAX

The waking hours. [Lorelai giggles]

LORELAI

Hey, are you this nice to my kid?

MAX

Yeah, it's easy. Rory's a sweet girl.

LORELAI

Yeah she is, she is.

MAX

[pulling her aside] How is she liking Chilton?

LORELAI

Oh, she loves it.

MAX

Really?

LORELAI

Oh yeah. I mean it's an adjustment of course, but she's always wanted to go to Harvard and this is how she'll get there.

MAX

Harvard?

LORELAI

Yeah. Ever since she could crawl, I've really wanted her to go there.

MAX

It's a great school.

LORELAI

I actually bought her a Harvard sweatshirt when she was 4, which of course was way too big for her, so she used it as a blanket for a while and then as a make shift diaper on this really ill-fated shopping trip and now I've told you a story that would so mortify her, she'll kill me when she finds out you know.

MAX

Don't tell her then. It'll be our secret.

LORELAI

Well I appreciate that.

MAX

So are you a B-52's girl?

LORELAI

What? [looks at her shirt and giggles] No, I'm a klutz girl who should not drive with a coffee in her hand. I, uh, had it in the car.

MAX

You know I hope Rory adjust to this place. We need her here.

LORELAI

Thank you. That's so nice.

MAX

And I hope she's not too disappointed about her paper. Because it's very hard to catch up on all that reading material. I know a 'D' seems pretty dismal -

LORELAI

Rory got a 'D'?

MAX

Yeah, but -

LORELAI

She's never gotten a 'D'.

MAX

It's the first paper she's had to turn in, she's bound to falter a little.

LORELAI

Oh man, this totally explains the 'no ice cream' thing. God I'm such and idiot!

MAX

The ice cream thing?

LORELAI

Look, I-I've gotta go.

MAX

Well I'm sorry if I've said something to offend you.

LORELAI

Oh no-no-no-no. It's just that if Rory got a 'D', she's not feeling too good right now and I'd really like to be there.

MAX

I understand.

LORELAI

So, it was nice meeting you.

MAX

You too.

LORELAI

Um, keep up the good work.

MAX

I will.

LORELAI

Don't ever make coffee ever again.

MAX

I won't I promise. Oh - [Lorelai almost walks into globe again.]

LORELAI

Oh, ha ha ha. Thanks. [grabs purse] Bye.

MAX

Bye.

LUKE

Here.

RORY

What's that?

LUKE

You look like you need pie.

RORY

I do?

LUKE

Violent pencil tossing usually signals the need for pie.

RORY

What if I'd thrown a pen?

LUKE

I would've brought you a trout.

RORY

What?

LUKE

I don't make the rules, I just carry them out.

LORELAI

Hey, Backwards baseball hat - new look for you. [looks at Rory] She's eating pie? Did she even have dinner?

LUKE

You raised her, I just serve.

LORELAI

Oh hello, bookworm.

RORY

Finally, where were you?

LORELAI

Well, um, actually I was in Hartford.

RORY

Why?

LORELAI

I was there for the... [signals Rory to finish the sentence]

RORY

Parent/teacher meeting. Oh, my God. I forgot.

LORELAI

It went very well. I was extremely charming. I won the whole crowd over. They made me queen.

RORY

So I guess you talked to Mr. Medina.

LORELAI

Mm-hm. Why did you let me whine about ice cream and shoe sales when you had something major going on?

RORY

I know.

LORELAI

I hate when I'm an idiot and I don't even know it. I like to be aware of my idiocy - to really revel in it, take pictures. I feel we missed a prime Christmas card opportunity.

RORY

I'm sorry.

LORELAI

You should've told me.

RORY

I couldn't.

LORELAI

You couldn't tell me? You tell me everything.

RORY

It was too humiliating.

LORELAI

Oh, honey, you once told me that you loved 'Saved by the Bell'. What could be more humiliating than that.?

RORY

I couldn't form the words. I couldn't even say it. I couldn't even comprehend it. It was... a 'D'. I got a 'D', I've never gotten a 'D' - ever.

LORELAI

I know.

RORY

Even when I broke my arm and couldn't write for a month, I still got an 'A-'

LORELAI

That was a different school.

RORY

I know. It was Stars Hollow High. A 'D' at Stars Hollow is like an 'F' at Chilton. It's worse, it's like a 'G' or a 'W'.

LORELAI

So I'm guessing the spelling test didn't go well either?

RORY

A 'D'. I suck.

LORELAI

You don't suck.

RORY

I can't do this.

LORELAI

Listen, a 'D' is bad, ok. But all this talk about 'I suck' and 'I can't do this' and self pity - that's worse. That's not you. You didn't feel sorry for yourself when it took you three months to learn how to ride a bike, and you won't now.

RORY

Four months.

LORELAI

Huh?

RORY

It took me four months

LORELAI

Really? Four months?

RORY

Yeah, you wanna belabor the conversation?

LORELAI

Alright, forget about the bike. Listen, a 'D' is one grade. It's not the end of the world. You'll catch up, you'll do better. You are of hardy stubborn stock, my dear. If there's one thing I gave you, it's my stubbornness.

RORY

I'm not stubborn.

LORELAI

Yes you are.

RORY

No I'm not.

LORELAI

Fine you're not.

RORY

Thank you.

LORELAI

You're welcome. You can do this Rory and I will help you. I will get you through this, now put that 'D' behind you. Now what's next?

RORY

I have a test on Friday.

LORELAI

Ooh a test! Great!

RORY

It's on Shakespeare.

LORELAI

Bard with a beard - love it!

RORY

It's worth 20% of my grade.

LORELAI

Just makes life interesting. Now what do we have to do to get you an 'A' on that test.

RORY

Do you really think I can do this?

LORELAI

I bet you a dollar.

RORY

That's it? That's all my future's worth - one dollar.

LORELAI

Well you did get a 'D'.

PARIS

'Let me not to the marriage of true minds admit impediments, love is not love which alters when it alterations finds or bends with the remover to remove - oh no! It is an ever-fixed mark that looks on tempests and is never shaken. It is the star to every wandering bark who worth's unknown although his height be taken' You're going down.

LORELAI

Hey, Sookie, do you know what the menu's gonna be - [ Sookie shoves risotto into her mouth]

SOOKIE

Good?

LORELAI

Hot.

SOOKIE

Wait, I got another one [shoves more into Lorelai's mouth.] Better?

LORELAI

Hotter!

SOOKIE

Wait, I got one more - one more [shoves more into her mouth again]

LORELAI

Sookie! What's with all the risotto? Have we gone 'theme' now? Ooh, is it gonna be like the scotch tape store?

SOOKIE

Look, I've made 40 recipes, ok, 40. And every single time I come back to the same conclusion.

LORELAI

That you're is better?

SOOKIE

Yes!

LORELAI

It is!

BRIAN

You were looking for me?

SOOKIE

Yes, great! Three weeks ago, guy comes in, Lucent Mills, orders the risotto, doesn't like it.

BRIAN

The magic risotto? You're kidding.

LORELAI

Not helping.

SOOKIE

He's a restaurant critic. He ordered lots of things - probably didn't finish them. Now in his review he said his waiter had a goatee. Now you've got a goatee, and so you waited on him and I need info.

BRIAN

Well what did he look like?

SOOKIE

Like he's unhappy with the risotto! Or maybe he had an annoying table companion with him that wouldn't let him concentrate on what he was eating.

BRIAN

Well I serve a lot of people.

SOOKIE

He had a beard, or false teeth, or wig, or those glasses with a big nose.

BRIAN

[to Lorelai] May I be fired now?

LORELAI

Absolutely. [Brian leaves, Sookie follows]

SOOKIE

What about a guy with an annoying companion and a fake wig who was sitting underneath an air conditioning vent next to a woman with too much perfume on?!?

LORELAI

'The Comedy of Errors' - written?

RORY

1590

LORELAI

Published?

RORY

1698

LORELAI

Ooh 1623 - close

RORY

How is 1623 close?

LORELAI

You got the '16' part right.

RORY

I was off by 75 years

LORELAI

Well anything under 100 years is close.

RORY

What kind of rule is that?

LORELAI

I'm running the study session here. Ok. Richard III?

RORY

1591

LORELAI

[Makes buzzer sound]

RORY

'93?

LORELAI

[Makes buzzer sound]

RORY

'96?

LORELAI

[Makes buzzer sound]

RORY

Ok, that's getting really annoying now

LORELAI

[Makes small buzzer sound]

LORELAI

Go on, I'm listening.

RORY

The sonnets are 154 poems of 14 lines

LORELAI

Except?

RORY

Except for 126 which is 12 lines.

LORELAI

Good.

RORY

They are written in iambic pentameter.

LORELAI

Except?

RORY

Except 145 which is in tetrameter.

LORELAI

Rock on sister.

RORY

Really?

LORELAI

Not one mistake.

RORY

Wow.

LORELAI

How do you feel?

RORY

Nauseous.

LORELAI

Yeah well, I don't think the fries and the horseradish sauce was the best idea we ever had.

RORY

It was satisfying in the moment though

LORELAI

I think you're going to blow that class away tomorrow.

RORY

You think?

LORELAI

I think. What do you say we call it a night and get some beauty sleep?

RORY

You go, I wanna review my notes one more time.

LORELAI

Oh that's ok, I'll stay up.

RORY

[ as she goes into the kitchen] Mom, go to sleep.

LORELAI

No, I'm not even tired. I was just thinking of you.

RORY

No! Oh no! [Rory runs into her room]

LORELAI

Oh jeez [lifting her head] Such a bad sleeping idea.

RORY

I'm late!

LORELAI

What?

RORY

I'm late, I'm late. I woke up late!

LORELAI

Rory calm down.

RORY

I can't calm down! I missed my bus! Get up.

LORELAI

Sweetie, mommy can't get up right now. Mommy's been sleeping at a right angle all night.

RORY

I'm gonna miss the test! [comes out with her uniform over her t-shirt and jogging pants, putting on her shoes]

LORELAI

No you're not [Shoves a binder into Rory's school bag and give it to her] I'll get the keys. We'll go right now. Let's go! Let's go! [grabs her purse] Oh!! I can't take you!

RORY

You have to!

LORELAI

I have a meeting at the inn at 8!

RORY

Mom!

LORELAI

Ok, wait. Ok. Think, listen. Here, you drive.

RORY

What?!

LORELAI

Yeah, you drive. I'll get a ride with Sookie. Take the phone, take the keys, go!

RORY

Are you sure?

LORELAI

Go, go, go, go!!

RORY

I'm gone!

LORELAI

Good luck!!

LANE

Hello?

RORY

Did I leave a set of my notes at your house yesterday?

LANE

Where are you?

RORY

I'm driving to school. I need to check something and I can't find some of my notes.

LANE

Ok, hold on let me check [comes out of her closet and looks around her room] I don't see anything.

RORY

What did I do with them?

LANE

Well, maybe it's downstairs in the store?

RORY

Maybe I just - [loud bang and car moved]

RORY

Oh my God!

LANE

Are you alright?

RORY

I just got hit by a deer.

LANE

You hit a deer?

RORY

No! I got hit by a deer!

LANE

How do you get hit by a deer?

RORY

I was at a stop sign and he just hit me! Oh my God! [Getting out to look for deer]

LANE

Was it a 4-way stop?

RORY

What does that matter?

LANE

I don't know. I don't know what to ask after you've been hit by a deer.

RORY

I don't see him.

LANE

Well put salt down. Deers love salt.

RORY

Where am I gonna get salt from?

LANE

Do you have a lunch?

RORY

Lane?

LANE

Sorry.

RORY

I don't see him any where. [as she tries to take off her jogging pants] What if he's hurt.

LANE

Rory your test

RORY

What time is it?

LANE

It's 7:40

RORY

No! [runs back to the car with one pant leg on, one off.]

RORY

I'm sorry.

MAX

Everyone back to your tests. Miss Gilmore you're gonna have to wait in the library.

RORY

But what about the test?

MAX

I'm afraid you've missed the test.

RORY

No.

MAX

We start class promptly at 8:05

RORY

No.

MAX

That's when I need people to be in their seats.

RORY

Please.

MAX

I'm sorry but it's the rules.

RORY

But you don't understand! I was up all night studying and then I missed my bus so I had to drive--

MAX

Let's discuss this outside.

RORY

So I'm driving down this road and I stop and I get hit by a deer.

MAX

You hit a deer?

RORY

No I got hit by a deer. You don't believe me? I've got antler prints on the side of my mother's car.

MAX

Rory, come on.

RORY

No! You have to let me take this test. I'm ready for this test. I know everything there is to know about Shakespeare.

MAX

Ok, ok, you have to calm down now.

RORY

I know his birthday and his mothers name and that kind of -

PARIS

[whispers to Louise] Loser.

RORY

[turning around to her] And just what is wrong with you huh?! You already have everything! You already have the grades and the status. What the hell is wrong with you that you have this constant need to be the biggest jerk in the entire world?!

MAX

Ok, let's go.

RORY

Huh?! What's ?! What's up quippy?! Why so silent?

MAX

Outside - now

RORY

And for the last time - the name's RORY!

LORELAI

Make sure that carpet is replaced perfectly before they go

MICHEL

Ok.

LORELAI

I mean perfectly. Nailed down and everything.

MICHEL

Oh you mean that perfectly. Oh I thought you meant the other perfectly. You know the one that could be misinterpreted by the other Michel. You know the one who couldn't understand what you meant by perfectly. [Lorelai closes book and leaves]

DRELLA

Hey what do you think about Pat Benatar?

LORELAI

Great idea, can she play the harp?

SOOKIE

Whoo! Whoo-hoo!! [Sookie is dancing around in the kitchen] I knew it! I knew it! I knew it! I knew it! I knew it! [Lorelai comes in] I found it, I found it!

LORELAI

You found what?

SOOKIE

His bill! I found his bill!

LORELAI

What are you talking about?

SOOKIE

It wasn't the risotto, it was the wine! He ordered the wrong wine!

LORELAI

Oh, well great!

SOOKIE

See in the review, he mentioned something about a summer tomato salad which I've only made once in the last 3 weeks because Jackson of course decides to get into a fist fight with his tomato grower - that's a different story.

LORELAI

Yes - save it for Christmas time.

SOOKIE

So Brian, the goatee waiter, only worked one shift last week because his girlfriend kicked him out and he had to move.

LORELAI

Celia kicked him out?

SOOKIE

Well, he didn't want kids.

LORELAI

But she knew that when they moved in.

SOOKIE

Women always think they can change men.

LORELAI

Yeah.

SOOKIE

So anyhow, I checked the dates, I narrowed the day down and I found a party that had ordered practically everything on the menu including -

LORELAI

The magic risotto!

SOOKIE

Yes, the risotto and a riesling. Ha! A riesling

LORELAI

Why not just drink battery acid.

SOOKIE

Exactly! Changes the entire flavor of the dish. And the fact that Brian even served it makes me think Celia is a little bit better off without him.

LORELAI

I'm so glad hon, oh! [they hug giggling]

JACKSON

Ok, here are the zucchinis

SOOKIE

Too small, take'em away!

JACKSON

Oh, it's good to have her back huh

LORELAI

Yeah.

JACKSON

Yeah [pause] You're still gonna have to pay for the zucchini

MICHEL

There is a man with a funny accent on the phone asking for you.

LORELAI

Really? Did you guys exchange the secret handshake? [giggles with Jackson] Lorelai here [into the phone]

LORELAI

Rory what happened?

RORY

I got hit by a deer.

LORELAI

You got what?

RORY

And then I was late and they wouldn't let me take the test.

LORELAI

[gasps] What?!

RORY

They wouldn't let me take the test so I -

LORELAI

Oh no you're kidding me?

RORY

Mom...

LORELAI

No, it's ok. Just sit right here, I'll handle this.

LORELAI

Excuse me. Hello.

CHARLESTON

Ms. Gilmore. Please come in.

LORELAI

Thank you.

CHARLESTON

Have a seat.

LORELAI

Um, I think there's been a terrible mistake. Rory told me that she wasn't allowed to take her test.

CHARLESTON

She was late.

LORELAI

Right, well, see there were circumstances beyond her control. Rory is never late. She's almost annoyingly on time. I think if you checked your records -

CHARLESTON

Past performance has nothing to do with today's situation.

LORELAI

Ok, but see, she was up all night studying, I was there, she has a witness.

CHARLESTON

She's not on trial here.

LORELAI

Well your honor [pause] just a little trial humor, that won't happen again. Um, see, she got up late, she broke her neck to get here. We don't like locally as you know.

CHARLESTON

The dog at my homework -

LORELAI

Excuse me?

CHARLESTON

My computer crashed and I lost my midterm.

LORELAI

I wasn't making excuses.

CHARLESTON

My grandmother and 1st cousin died. My sister took my report to school instead of hers, my religion prohibits studying after sundown. I went blind last night but I'm fine now.

LORELAI

That's not Rory.

CHARLESTON

[getting up] Ms. Gilmore, rules are rules. When you're late, you forfeit the right to take the test.

LORELAI

Where are you going? [to Max] Where is he going?

MAX

Lorelai please, believe me if I could do anything I would.

LORELAI

Yes, you could let her take the test.

MAX

I'm afraid I can't.

LORELAI

Well that's not fair.

CHARLESTON

Ms. Gilmore, we are not here to be fair, we are here to educate.

LORELAI

Yes and I'm asking you to please educate my kid.

CHARLESTON

We will, when she's on time. Have a nice day.

LORELAI

Are you holding that door open for a reason?

CHARLESTON

Our meeting is over.

LORELAI

Like hell it is.

MAX

Lorelai.

LORELAI

Do you have any idea what we have gone through this week? We have been up all night every night studying. We haven't slept. We haven't talked about anything else except this school and this test for seven days. We have stretched ourselves as thin as humanly possible without going completely postal. My God! We're only one person!

CHARLESTON

Why don't we narrow our field conversation down to Rory.

LORELAI

Ok, yeah, why don't we. You sit up here in your snotty little school that's in desperate need of some extra heating vents and you nurture horrible kids who treat each other like mortal enemies. You set impossible standards that make normal people feel less than everyone else. And you take a great kid like Rory and you tear her apart!

MAX

I don't think that's completely fair.

LORELAI

[to Max] And you! You say she's smart and she'll be fine and this rotting stodgy rathole could use somebody like her and then you completely shut her out of a test that she's crammed for, that she's ready for, that she completely deserves to take!

MAX

I didn't call this place a 'rathole'

LORELAI

Oh no that's true. I added that. Wouldn't want you to get in trouble with 'Il duce' here. I thought this place was going to be so great! And now I guess this goes on the 'Boy was I wrong' list, right above gauchos but just below the 'Flashdance' phase.

CHARLESTON

My goodness you do like to throw fits in your family.

LORELAI

What are you talking about?

CHARLESTON

Your daughter threw a similar if not as manic fit of her own this morning.

LORELAI

Please. Rory doesn't throw fits. She's the most even tempered person I know.

CHARLESTON

Well then, she did a lovely impression of you.

LORELAI

Well I don't -

CHARLESTON

Ms. Gilmore, everything you said in your rant was absolutely true - without the colorful embellishments of course. We do set impossible standards, and such standards do foster highly competitive children. However that is life and that is Chilton.

LORELAI

Rules can change, you can change them.

CHARLESTON

I told your daughter when she came here that this place was not for everyone and might not be for her. I will now tell you the same thing. She doesn't have to be here. She doesn't have to go to Harvard, maybe she shouldn't if she can't handle the pressure, she should leave. Now you can take your daughter home now and decide what it is you intend to do. However, another outburst from either of you will not be on the options list. Thank you for coming in. That will be all.

LORELAI

You got hit by a deer?

LORELAI

You did! You got hit by a deer.

RORY

It just came out of nowhere.

LORELAI

You couldn't just run into a wall like other kids.

RORY

Can we just go home please.

LORELAI

Yeah, sure. Jump in.

LUCENT

May I help you?

SOOKIE

Yes, hello [with her back to him] My name is Sookie St. James, I'm

LUCENT

I know who you are.

SOOKIE

You do? Well, I'm flattered, you write about a lot of chefs -

LUCENT

What are you doing here?

SOOKIE

Right. Well I know that this is a terrible intrusion but - are you cooking?

LUCENT

I'm making chicken.

SOOKIE

You used too much salt.

LUCENT

I did not

SOOKIE

Well it smells salty.

LUCENT

I'm closing the door.

SOOKIE

No wait. I found out your address from my network of culinary friends -

LUCENT

Look, this is really inappropriate. I gave you a good review, I suggest you go home.

SOOKIE

I don't care about the review. I just - I want you to try this disk, with this wine [handing them to him still with her back turned] I'll wait.

LORELAI

Quite a day huh?

RORY

I don't wanna talk - please.

LORELAI

You know, I just think that we should talk about it.

RORY

Stop the car.

LORELAI

What?

RORY

Here - stop here. [jumps out]

LORELAI

You're just feeling like an impromptu nature walk?

RORY

I wanna see if it's ok.

LORELAI

If what's ok?

RORY

The deer.

LORELAI

Sweetie you're never gonna find the deer.

RORY

Well I'm gonna try.

LORELAI

Well I'm in heels!

RORY

Well stay in the car.

LORELAI

It's dangerous in the car with all the kamikaze deer running around [getting out of car]

RORY

I have to find it.

LORELAI

Alright, wait up! So what does the deer look like? Huh? Does it have any distinguishing marks - besides the word 'Jeep' imprinted on it's forehead.

RORY

It's just a deer.

LORELAI

I had a nice chat with Headmaster Charleston today. He said you went ballistic in class.

RORY

I was just tired.

LORELAI

You wouldn't have been so tired if you hadn't been killing yourself all week.

RORY

I was studying, I didn't have a choice.

LORELAI

Well maybe you shouldn't be studying that hard.

RORY

What are you talking about?

LORELAI

You're 16. You should get some sleep and eat a real meal and come up for air once in a while.

RORY

They kicked me out.

LORELAI

No, of course not. They love you. This is coming from me.

RORY

Are you saying I should quit?

LORELAI

I'm saying, if you wanted to go back to your other school with Lane, that would be fine with me.

RORY

You don't think I can do it.

LORELAI

You know that's not true. I think you can do anything. But you don't lose it in class. That's not part of the Rory personality description and if you're losing it in class because you're tired or stressed or working to hard, I'm worried about that. I have to be.

RORY

I lost it once.

LORELAI

Ok, fine. It's just I can't remember, you know, a time when we weren't talking about you going to Harvard. It was just a given, that what we were working for. Everything went in that direction.

RORY

I know.

LORELAI

And I'm forgetting where all that started.

RORY

What are you talking about?

LORELAI

I'm talking about - did it start with me? Or did it start with you? Was it my dream that you go to Harvard.

RORY

Mom. [shaking her head]

LORELAI

Because I never got to do the big fancy college thing? Maybe all this time I'm thinking it's all for Rory, when really it wasn't.

RORY

I'm not doing this because of you.

LORELAI

Because if you are, you don't have to.

RORY

I know that.

LORELAI

I'll still love you. Even if you can't support me in my old age in the fabulous manner to which I plan on growing accustomed.

RORY

I'll remember that generous gesture.

LORELAI

Thank you. I just want you to be happy.

RORY

I am.

LORELAI

No, I want you to be 'dancing through the woods crazy' happy. And if Chilton and Harvard is not gonna do that for you, then forget about them.

RORY

I was just behind. I never caught up with all the reading. That's why I got a 'D'. I can catch up. I will catch up and when I do, everything will be fine.

LORELAI

Rory.

RORY

You know Harvard is my dream. I want it more than anything, I swear

LORELAI

Yeah but -

RORY

I appreciate all that you're saying. I do. But I'm not ready to give up on Chilton yet.

LORELAI

Fair enough.

RORY

I do however reserve the right to change my mind.

LORELAI

That's your prerogative as long as you remain a woman.

RORY

Thanks though.

LORELAI

For what?

RORY

For yelling at the Headmaster the way you did.

LORELAI

Oh, I didn't yell at him.

RORY

You called him 'il duce'

LORELAI

Which means 'kind sir' in Cantonese.

RORY

Thank you.

LORELAI

You're welcome. How much longer are we gonna look for this crazy deer?

RORY

Just a little further. I just hope he didn't hurt himself.

LORELAI

I just hope he has insurance.

LORELAI

Go get that plaid skirt off and grab your books, we're going to Luke's.

RORY

Don't you have to get back to work?

LORELAI

Ah, they can last a little while longer without me. Plus Michel gets so cute when he feels like he's been overworked. His ears puff out, his nostrils flare, big fun. Go.

RORY

I'm gone.

LORELAI

[voice on answering machine] It's us, we're not here. We have a life, get over it.

MAX

Hi this is a message for Rory. It's Max Medina calling. I just wanted to say that I talked to Headmaster Charleston or 'il duce' as he's more affectionately know at the Gilmore household, and he's agreed to let you do some extra credit work to help make up for the missed test today. Now I'm not sure what the extra credit work is yet, but it probably will be time consuming and extremely painful. It will however get you back up to where you rightfully belong Rory, don't lose heart. Make this work. And if you're mother is listening, Lorelai it was a pleasure encountering you. I hope it happens again. Anyways, see you in class. Bye.