T1E8: “Love and War and Snow”

MISS PATTY

This town meeting will come to order.

TAYLOR

No one is listening to me.

MISS PATTY

Oh, Taylor, calm down.

TAYLOR

I can't calm down, I'm being persecuted.

MISS PATTY

I promise that we hear you.

ANDREW

We've been hearing you for 20 minutes.

TAYLOR

Well, excuse me, Andrew, but some of us have businesses to run that don't involve peddling drug paraphernalia to kids.

ANDREW

It was a lava lamp, Taylor.

TAYLOR

There is no use for a lava lamp unless you're on drugs.

ANDREW

Oh, for crying out loud.

MISS PATTY

Now we've already agreed to look into your accusations, let's just move on. . .

LORELAI

[whispers to Rory] What'd I miss?

RORY

[whispers] Taylor Doose wants the no-parking zone in front of his store removed. He says his customers are being unfairly ticketed.

LORELAI

[whispers] No, it's just because he wants to park there all day.

RORY

[whispers] Genius.

MAYOR

I have been mayor of this fine town for a long time. I tend to think of all of you as my children. Unfortunately, sometimes children have to be disciplined. Now I'm going to say something and I'm only gonna say it once. . .we have leash laws, people.

LORELAI

Daddy's getting angry.

MAYOR

Rover will not leash himself.

RORY

Hm, good point.

LORELAI

Hm.

MAYOR

I would like to now move on to something of even greater importance. As you all know, this coming Friday is the anniversary of the legendary Battle of Stars Hollow. [applause]

LORELAI

[whispers] Where's Luke?

RORY

[whispers] Up there.

MAYOR

Penny will be circulating a sign up sheet for those of you who would like to participate in the reenactment of foresaid battle.

RORY

He's turning red.

LORELAI

Oh, oh.

MAYOR

All right. It was a frigid November night, some 224 years ago.

LORELAI

He's shifting in his seat

MAYOR

The brave Stars Hollow militia stood in wait for the Red Coats.

RORY

He's adjusting the cap.

LORELAI

Ooh!

MAYOR

Tired and hungry, twelve proud men took their positions in the town's square, braving the elements. . .

LORELAI

He's fighting the urge, he's fighting the urge.

MAYOR

. . .and imminent death in their valiant efforts. . .

LUKE

Oh, for God's Sake, do we have to go through this every damn year!

LORELAI

Yes!

RORY

And the urge wins by a long shot!

LUKE

I thought we were here to discuss town issues.

TAYLOR

This is a town issue.

MAYOR

Excuse me, who's talking?

LUKE

It's me, Harry, Luke. You've known me since I was 5 years old.

MAYOR

Oh, Luke, yes. Sit down. Now as I was saying, twelve heroic men assembled with guns drawn ready to meet their maker.

LUKE

What are you talking about? Twelve guys stood in a row all night.

MAYOR

Waiting for the Red Coats.

LUKE

Who never showed!

MAYOR

Now just a minute!

LUKE

Twelve guys stood in a row all night waiting for an enemy that never showed. They got stood up. They should've been wearing prom dresses.

TAYLOR

I've had just about enough of this.

LUKE

Sit down, Taylor.

TAYLOR

Menace.

LUKE

Suck up.

LORELAI

Five bucks says somebody ends up in a headlock.

RORY

You're on!

LUKE

Have any of you ever considered the fact that you're glorifying a war we fought so we could keep land that we stole?

MAYOR

If you don't like it here in America, why don't you go stand in line for toilet paper in the USSR!

LUKE

There is no more USSR, Harry.

LORELAI

A sense of community is so important, isn't it?

RORY

It's what made our country great.

MAYOR

. . .that is a known fact, if you're so interested in facts!

MAX

[on answering machine] Lorelai, it's Max. . .Medina. Maaaax Medina. And once again we miss each other. It's now 2 o'clock in the afternoon on Thursday and I'm in my office grading a paper titled "Emily Dickinson: Get a life." Anyhow, as I sit here losing my faith in mankind, I wonder if we're ever gonna actually go on that date we talked about many moons ago. I teach a night class in Stamford twice a week, and when I pass that Stars Hollow sign on the turnpike, I think, out there is a beautiful woman that I someday hope to spend time with. Anyhow, I'm just thinking about you, and I don't know, maybe next week we can find some time. Goodbye Lorelai. . .Gilmore. You knew that. Okay, bye. [Lorelai pushes play again] Lorelai, it's Max. . .Medina. Maaaax Medina.

RORY

Mom?

MAX

[on answering machine]. . .And once again we miss each other. . . [Lorelai stops the message]

LORELAI

Sorry!

RORY

What are you doing up?

LORELAI

I couldn't sleep.

RORY

Its freezing in here. [she walks over to shut the window]

LORELAI

Wait, close your eyes and breathe. [Rory does] I smell snow.

RORY

Ah, it's that time of year.

LORELAI

Can't you smell it?

RORY

You know, it's like dogs and high-pitched noises. I think it's something only you can smell.

LORELAI

I love snow.

RORY

Really, I had no idea.

LORELAI

Everything's magical when it snows, everything looks pretty. The clothes are great. Coats, scarves, gloves, hats.

RORY

Thermal underwear, wool socks, ear flaps.

LORELAI

Do you know that the best things in my life have happened when it snowed?

RORY

Why, yes, I do.

LORELAI

My best birthday.

RORY

Your first kiss.

LORELAI

Your first steps. They all happened when it snowed.

RORY

Feet. [pulls the blanket over their feet]

LORELAI

I feel good. Tingly.

RORY

That's called frostbite.

LORELAI

You are mocking your mother, the woman who birthed you.

RORY

I'm sorry.

LORELAI

During a snowstorm, might I add.

RORY

So, how soon is it supposed to hit?

LORELAI

Hm. Tomorrow. . .definitely tomorrow.

RORY

Okay, then, tomorrow it is.

LORELAI

What?

RORY

You, me, donuts, coffee, standing out in a snowstorm.

LORELAI

At midnight?

RORY

At midnight.

LORELAI

You are my favorite daughter.

RORY

So, how many times are you gonna listen to that?

LORELAI

'Til it stops being sexy.

RORY

Stop! That's my teacher you're talking about. I have to respect him.

LORELAI

Okay, well, if it makes you feel any better, while he's being sexy, he's also being grammatically correct.

RORY

Better. Thank you.

LORELAI

Sorry I woke you up.

RORY

That's okay. It's all fodder for the tell-all. Goodnight.

LORELAI

Goodnight.

MAX

[on answering machine] Lorelai, it's Max. . .Medina. Maaaax Medina. . .

LORELAI

Hey, how is it out there?

MICHEL

It is cold and gray like a fat dead pigeon.

LORELAI

Ah, we'll need to pull out the sleds, people might want to sled. Ooh, and the parkas, we'll need the parkas.

MICHEL

For what?

LORELAI

In case anyone wants to hike.

MICHEL

You do know that not everyone finds the idea of being pelted with frozen water appealing.

LORELAI

I know, and how sad for them.

MICHEL

The thrilling sensation of getting lost in a blizzard, of freezing to death in the woods, and having to eat your friend's buttocks to stay alive, that is lost on many people.

LORELAI

I am telling you, five minutes in a snowball fight, we could knock that stick right out of your butt.

SOOKIE

Okay, how does this sound? Maple sugar snowflakes on all the pillows.

LORELAI

Oh, that's sounds wonderful!

MICHEL

Make them in the shape of a buttock, get people used to them.

SOOKIE

Okay, is that a real suggestion?

LORELAI

Sookie, please, who is speaking?

SOOKIE

Michel, right, okay. Snowflakes it is.

LANE

I just can't believe it. I mean, I sat next to him at practice for months, and then one day I look over and it's Rich. Rich Bloomingfeld.

RORY

Where is my chemistry book? I had it at your house yesterday, didn't I?

LANE

Rory, focus, please.

RORY

I'm sorry. I just can't find my book.

LORELAI

Hey babe. Sergeant pepper.

RORY

Mom, do you know where my. . .

LORELAI

Big scary chemistry book is? Behind the desk.

RORY

Oh, thank God. [goes to get the book]

LORELAI

Wow.

LANE

Yeah.

RORY

So, is Sookie in the kitchen?

LORELAI

And there she'll stay. [walks away]

RORY

Okay, so where were we?

LANE

I just met my soul mate.

RORY

Right, Rich Bloomingfeld. Does he still wear the Star Trek shirt?

SOOKIE

Now, remember, you do not take your eyes off this for a minute 'cause the second you do, it will boil and then it's ruined. So, just stand there and stare at it, okay?

RORY

Hey Sookie.

SOOKIE

Hey kitty cats. Cinnamon buns are over there.

RORY

Do you have any of those rocky road cookies that you made yesterday?

SOOKIE

I can scrounge some up. Lane, you need a bag?

LANE

No, thank you.

SOOKIE

[to chef] You staring?

CHEF

I'm staring.

SOOKIE

Thank you. [walks off]

LANE

So, anyhow, Rich has this amazing hair.

RORY

Really?

LANE

Oh my God, it's so perfect. It's thick but it's not too thick, and it's got really good natural wave, so he probably uses way less product than most guys.

RORY

Always a plus. Hey, what time is it?

LANE

I don't know

RORY

I have to get to the bus stop. Dean's meeting me there.

LANE

But I'm trying to talk to you about this.

RORY

I know, we'll talk on the way.

SOOKIE

Here you go.

RORY

Thank you, Sookie.

LORELAI

Hey, sweets. I have a locksmith coming to the house today like five-ish, and I don't know how long it'll take, so will you tell Grandma and Grandpa that I'm gonna be late, and that I'm having Satan's baby. You pick the order.

RORY

I'll relay the time message but I'm leaving the rest up to you.

LORELAI

What is this? You hate rocky road cookies.

RORY

I do not. [takes the bag back.]

LORELAI

Oh, I'm sorry. That must be my other daughter, Schmory.

RORY

We're leaving now.

LORELAI

Wait a minute. I know who likes rocky road cookies.

SOOKIE

Who?

LORELAI

Dean. They're for Dean.

SOOKIE

She's bringing baked goods to a boy. Wow, serious!

LORELAI

[in high voice] Here Dean, these cookies are for you, 'cause you're keen.

RORY

Stop.

SOOKIE

Rory's in love!

LORELAI

Love, love, love, Dean, Dean, Dean!

SOOKIE

[singing] Cookies for the love and the Dean and the cookies for the love and the Dean and the cookies for the love and the . . .

LORELAI

[singing] Dean and the love and the Dean and the love and the Dean and the love. . .

LORELAI

Okay, we can stop, she's gone now.

SOOKIE

But it's fun.

LORELAI

Well, you're on your own.

SOOKIE

[singing] The cookies for the Dean and the Rory and the cookies for the love with the Dean. . .

LANE

I just can't believe it. I mean, I've known him since the sixth grade, but suddenly he's different. He's not gangly anymore. You remember how gangly he was?

RORY

I'm sorry, what?

LANE

You're not listening to me.

RORY

I am, I'm sorry. I just couldn't find my bookmark. Okay, go ahead.

LANE

Okay, here are the problems facing the whole Bloomingfeld-Kim situation.

RORY

One, hyphenation would be a pain.

LANE

Two, he's my band partner. Romance would be completely awkward. Three, he's never even looked at me like I'm a girl or something resembling one. [Lane and Rory sit on a bench] Four, there's no way I could convince my parents he was Korean. But I can't help it, I'm obsessed. Did I tell you about his hair?

RORY

It's on his head, right?

DEAN

Hi.

RORY

Hi.

DEAN

Lane.

LANE

Dean.

DEAN

Nice hat. [Dean sits on the bench and hands Rory a book] Here.

RORY

Oh, how'd you like it?

DEAN

Well, I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you.

RORY

Aha! You liked it, you liked Jane Austen. I knew you would. Lane, Dean likes Jane Austen.

LANE

Wow, who would've thought.

RORY

I told him he would, but he was all, 'Forget Jane Austen, you have to read Hunter Thompson.'

DEAN

You do have to read Hunter Thompson.

RORY

Not as much as you needed to read Jane Austen.

DEAN

Yeah, yeah. Hey, what's that? [picks up the bag of cookies]

RORY

Just some cookies.

DEAN

Rocky road.

RORY

Yeah.

DEAN

Wow, she brings me cookies. How can I repay her?

RORY

How about a little Charlotte Bronte?

DEAN

How about something else? [kisses her]

RORY

That's good, too.

LANE

Okay, I gotta go. I am gonna be late for homeroom, and I have that perfect attendance certificate in my sights.

RORY

See you later.

LANE

Yeah, see ya.

LORELAI

Ladies and gentlemen, we have flakes. Flakes have been sighted. Flakage, if you will, has begun. [walks to the front desk] Michel, it's the first snowfall of the season. It's very lucky. Make a wish.

MICHEL

Get away from me.

LORELAI

Oh, you're not supposed to say it out loud.

MICHEL

Independence Inn, Michel speaking.

LORELAI

The world changes when it snows. It gets quiet. Everything softens.

MICHEL

[holds out phone] It's your mother.

LORELAI

And then the rain comes. [takes phone] Hi, Mom.

EMILY

Have you seen the news?

LORELAI

Ever?

EMILY

A bad storm is heading your way. It's already hitting us here.

LORELAI

Well, don't panic. I'll get the ark, you get the animals.

EMILY

I just sent Lance to pick up Rory at school. The roads are terrible, black ice everywhere, it's just a mess out there. I hate this kind of weather. So, anyhow, what time will you get here?

LORELAI

Well, uh, gee, Mom, I don't know, let me see. Black ice, treacherous roads. . . I guess I'll just put on my red, white, and blue leotard, grab my golden lasso and fly the invisible plane on over.

EMILY

You're not coming?

LORELAI

Well, if it's as bad as you say it is, I don't see how I'd get there.

EMILY

Well, I guess it'll just be the three of us then.

LORELAI

I guess so.

EMILY

And you know, Rory should probably spend the night tonight also.

LORELAI

Okay.

EMILY

And if it's still bad tomorrow. . .

LORELAI

Mom, why don't you wait and see what the weather does before you fill out a change of address card for her.

RORY

Hey, Grandma.

EMILY

Rory's here.

LORELAI

Put her on a sec.

EMILY

[hands phone to Rory] Rory, it's your mother.

RORY

[on phone] Hey.

LORELAI

Hi. Things bad out there, huh?

RORY

It's crazy. There's snow coming down everywhere, and let me just tell you, saddle shoes are not the best all-weather footwear.

LORELAI

Aw, you fell.

RORY

Twice.

LORELAI

Yikes. I'm sorry.

RORY

So what's the deal? Are you coming over tonight?

LORELAI

No, I guess I'm pretty much stuck in the Hollow tonight.

RORY

Bummer. Well, we can take our snow walk tomorrow night?

LORELAI

Absolutely. All right, now, honey, tell Grandma that you arrived there not a member of the Junior League, I'd like you to leave there the same way.

RORY

Call if you get lonely.

LORELAI

I will. Bye.

LUKE

Harry, come on, stop this before somebody drives through town and thinks the local mental institution has bad padlocks.

HARRY

Luke, you ought to be ashamed of yourself. Your father was a reenactor.

LUKE

Yes, and I thought he was crazy also.

TAYLOR

Who's stepping on my musket?

KIRK

That'd be me.

TAYLOR

Well, stop it.

LORELAI

There goes the fire chief, the police chief and the one paramedic with a valid license. I feel safe, don't you?

LUKE

Look at them, all relatively intelligent men, but there they are dressed up in costumes, standing out in a snowstorm, and for what?

LORELAI

Because it's tradition.

LUKE

Tradition is a trap, it allows people to stick their head in the sand. Everything in the past was so quaint, so charming. Times were simpler. Kids didn't have sex. Neighbors knew each other. It's a freaking fairy tale. Things sucked then, too. It just sucked without indoor plumbing.

LORELAI

I think some traditions are nice. Birthdays. Holidays. Taking a walk in the first snow of the season.

LUKE

I didn't get the Hallmark card for that one.

LORELAI

When I was five, I had a really bad ear infection and I had been home in bed for a week and I was very sad. So I wished really hard that something wonderful would happen to me, and I woke up the next morning and it had snowed. And I was sure that some fairy godmother had done it just for me. It was my little present.

LUKE

Your parents never explained the concept of weather to you?

LORELAI

I am making a point, Mouthy McGee. Of course, many years later, I realized that logically, the snow was not there for me personally. But, still, when it snows, something inside me says, 'hey, that's your present.' I don't think it'll ever change.

LUKE

My father used to be one of those guys.

LORELAI

Yeah?

LUKE

Yeah, he even had his own musket.

LORELAI

Really?

LUKE

Never had to rent it.

LORELAI

Where is the musket now?

LUKE

He was buried with it.

LORELAI

Wow.

LUKE

Yup. He loved that musket.

LORELAI

That's nice. . .in a disturbing sort of way.

LUKE

Come on in, I'll get you some coffee.

LORELAI

No, thanks. I'm gonna walk around. Enjoy my present a little.

BAND TEACHER

People, people, please get into formation. Hats on and instruments in place. Do not - I repeat, do not - actually put instruments to your mouths until we are inside. Remember what happened to the flautist last year.

LANE

Oh.

LORELAI

I smell snow.

MAX

Well, well, well.

LORELAI

What's up, Teach?

MAX

What are you doing here?

LORELAI

I live here. What are you doing here?

MAX

I was on my way back from Stamford, and my car decided to stop.

LORELAI

Here?

MAX

Yes.

LORELAI

In my town?

MAX

Yes.

LORELAI

Good car.

MAX

It's nice to see you.

LORELAI

You, too.

MAX

You know, a minute ago, I was really angry about something and now I just can't remember what it was.

LORELAI

Well, that's snow for you.

MAX

I guess so.

LORELAI

So, this is quite a predicament you're in. Stranded here in a strange town with no one you know. Oh, wait. . .

MAX

Where's Rory tonight?

LORELAI

She's in Hartford with her grandparents.

MAX

That must be nice.

LORELAI

Whatever you say.

MAX

So, Rory's in Hartford.

LORELAI

Yes.

MAX

And I'm in Stars Hollow.

LORELAI

Correct.

MAX

And you are. . .

LORELAI

Trying to figure out where I should take you.

MAX

No, no, no, no, where I should take you.

LORELAI

This is my town. You know nothing around here.

MAX

No, but I was the one who asked you out initially, so therefore I am still obligated to do the taking.

LORELAI

Yes, but I was the one who did the canceling after you did the asking, therefore you forfeit your taking rights to me, the canceler.

MAX

So we're actually gonna do this?

LORELAI

Yes, we are.

MAX

Let me just give this guy my keys and then we'll go.

LORELAI

Great.

MAX

Great's an understatement.

EMILY

[on phone] Well, I just don't understand why you waited so late to call. . . Are you sure? . . . Fine. . .All right, yes, goodbye. [hangs up phone] Well, I don't know what I'm gonna do now.

RICHARD

What's the problem, Emily?

EMILY

The problem is that apparently Florence cannot get here because of the storm.

RICHARD

Florence?

EMILY

Our cook.

RICHARD

Ah. Well, we'll just have to go out then.

EMILY

Oh, please, Richard, pay attention. We can't go out. It's miserable out there.

RICHARD

Well, we'll figure something out then.

EMILY

What? What will we figure out?

RICHARD

Well, I don't know, but. . .

EMILY

I hate the damn snow.

RICHARD

Emily, calm down.

EMILY

This is a serious problem. These Friday dinners are the only proper food that child eats all week.

RICHARD

Rory, are you in any way malnourished or in need of some international relief organization to recruit a celebrity to raise money on your account?

RORY

I'm good.

RICHARD

She's good, Emily.

EMILY

Your sense of humor rears its ugly head at the oddest of times, Richard.

RICHARD

Emily, I am not the mastermind behind some great scheme to spoil your dinner plans and I don't care to be treated as such.

EMILY

So you're fine with having no dinner tonight, is that it?

RICHARD

I certainly am not.

RORY

Hey, how about I check the fridge? I'm sure there's something in there we could whip up.

EMILY

Whip up?

RORY

Yeah, come on. It'll be fun, I promise.

EMILY

Well, come on, Mr. We'll Figure it Out.

EMILY

Nothing.

RICHARD

Not a blessed thing.

RORY

Hey, there's frozen pizza.

EMILY

How in the world did that get there?

RORY

Maybe you bought it and forgot about it.

EMILY

I have never bought frozen pizza. It must belong to Anna.

RICHARD

The maid.

EMILY

Yes.

RICHARD

Ah, got one.

EMILY

What are you doing?

RORY

I'm gonna make it.

EMILY

Oh, Rory, you're not serious.

RICHARD

That hardly looks like dinner.

EMILY

I agree. Rory, that's food you eat at a carnival, or in a Turkish prison.

RORY

I promise you're gonna love it.

EMILY

But. . .

RORY

Listen, just leave it up to me. You guys go back into the living room and I'll call you when it's ready. [they start to leave] Hey, Grandma?

EMILY

Yes?

RORY

What are the odds of you knowing where a cookie sheet would be?

RICHARD

I'd say very slim.

RORY

Never mind. I'll find it.

EMILY

Very slim? Thank you for that.

LORELAI

Thank you. Hold that. [hands him two bags]

MAX

Yup.

LORELAI

Thanks.

MAX

Thanks.

LORELAI

God, it's a beautiful night, huh?

MAX

Yes, it is.

LORELAI

So, tell me something about yourself.

MAX

Like what?

LORELAI

Uh, have you ever been married?

MAX

Nope.

LORELAI

Ever been close?

MAX

Once.

LORELAI

And?

MAX

She's in Thailand now.

LORELAI

Sex trade?

MAX

Bank of America.

LORELAI

Well, it's usually either one or the other.

MAX

She went there on business, she did well, she never came back.

LORELAI

Oh, sad.

MAX

Well, it was at the time, but if it was meant to be. . .

LORELAI

Ah, he believes in fate.

MAX

Fate, poetry, love. . .they all go together, don't they?

LORELAI

Yes, they do.

MAX

How about you?

LORELAI

Oh, I've never been married.

MAX

Ever been close?

LORELAI

Uh, Rory's dad proposed.

MAX

What happened?

LORELAI

The bell rang? I was late for chem lab?

MAX

You ever sorry that you didn't?

LORELAI

Oh, no. We were so young, and my life would've been completely different. You know, I wouldn't live here, I wouldn't work here, I wouldn't be walking here with you.

MAX

Where are we going?

LORELAI

You'll see.

MAX

Are we gonna get there before we freeze?

LORELAI

Now, what kind of fun would it be if I told you the answer?

MAX

You're crazy.

LORELAI

Very possible

MAX

And I'm following you.

LORELAI

Yes, you are.

MAX

So possibly I'm crazier than you are.

LORELAI

Again, very possible.

MAX

A match made in heaven.

LORELAI

Or in Bellevue.

MAX

Must be fate.

RICHARD

[on phone] Oh, this is getting ridiculous Aaron. . . I will not continue to have these conversations with a child . . . Yes, he is a child. . .Well, when he's worked 30 years at the company, that's when he's not a child. Until then I don't care what his opinions are . . . Aaron, are you listening to me? Good, because I'm hanging up on you now, and I wanted to make sure that you heard it. [hangs up] What a moron.

RORY

Hello?

LANE

Rory?

RORY

Lane?

LANE

Where are you?

RORY

I'm at my grandparents. What are you doing at my house?

LANE

Like you care.

RORY

What are you talking about?

LANE

You're never around when I need you.

RORY

Well, you know I have to go to my grandparents on Fridays.

LANE

I know. You go to your grandparents. You go to Chilton. You have to meet Dean. He needs his cookies. I can't find my books.

RORY

What are you talking about?

LANE

What good is it to have a best friend when she's never around and she never listens and she has no interest in the fact that you're in love or that you touched his hair?

RORY

You touched whose hair?

LANE

Rich. . .Bloomingfeld.

RORY

Why would you touch Rich Bloomingfeld's hair?

LANE

Why? That's a good question. I don't know why. Why would a sane person do a thing like that? Maybe I'm not sane. Maybe I'm going through some sort of phase. Maybe I really, really needed someone to talk to about this and you weren't there.

RORY

Lane, come on.

LANE

No, you come on. You're always at school or you're talking about school or you're with Dean. You have everything now and I have nothing except for 2000 Korean bibles and a potential 'F' in jazz band.

RORY

I'm sorry.

LANE

Don't be sorry, be here.

RORY

I . . .Lane? Are you there?

LANE

Rory? Rory?

RORY

Lane?

EMILY

There you are.

RORY

I think the phones went dead.

EMILY

It's probably just this horrible storm. You must come downstairs immediately.

RORY

What's wrong?

EMILY

The stove is buzzing.

RORY

It's just the timer, Grandma.

EMILY

I know it's the timer, Rory. What I don't know is where it's located or how to turn it off.

RORY

But I really need to call Lane back.

EMILY

There's nothing you can do now. The phones will come back on eventually. Now, please come downstairs and help me stop the buzzing.

RORY

But. . .

RICHARD

[calls from downstairs] Oh, Emily, for heaven's sake, get down here!

RORY

Okay, let's go.

LORELAI

So, the fiesta burger. . .

MAX

Very interesting.

LORELAI

Very spicy.

MAX

Oh yeah.

LORELAI

How's your tongue?

MAX

Much better, thank you.

LORELAI

Are you scared yet?

MAX

Not yet.

LORELAI

Are you scared yet?

MAX

I'm still good.

LORELAI

Are you scared yet?

MAX

You know, you're very annoying in a movie.

LORELAI

I know. I think it's very important that you know my faults as well as my many attributes.

MAX

Very thoughtful of you.

LORELAI

It is, isn't it?

MAX

Because as you know, you could get very carried away by your many attributes, suddenly find yourself thinking, my God, this woman is absolutely perfect.

LORELAI

We wouldn't want that now, would we?

MAX

No, we wouldn't. [they kiss]

RORY

You wanna eat it before it gets cold. [Rory watches Emily take a bite] How is it?

EMILY

Not cold!

RICHARD

Mm, it's quite tasty. Emily, we should have this more often.

EMILY

What?

RICHARD

Perhaps instead of that horrible salmon that keeps showing up.

EMILY

That salmon is a fine delicacy.

RICHARD

Mm, potato, po-tah-to.

RORY

Try it again, Grandma. It's probably cooler now.

EMILY

No, thank you, I'm fine.

RORY

You know what? It's really good if you add some extra Parmesan to it. [Rory grates Parmesan cheese on Emily's pizza] This is Mom's special trick. Frozen pizza is a staple at our house. Mom's become a major doctoring genius. She'll put anything on it. One time Sookie came and brought us some foie gras, and Mom stuck it on a pizza.

EMILY

How was it?

RORY

Pretty good once we took the foie gras off. Okay, that's good. Try it. Please. If you wanna get really crazy, you can pick it up.

EMILY

Well, all right. Here goes nothing. [takes a bite] Mmm! That's wonderful!

RORY

See?

EMILY

Rory, pass me that cheese. [Emily walks over to Richard and starts grating cheese on his pizza] Trust me, it makes all the difference.

RORY

I'll be right back. [Rory goes upstairs and gets a photo album out of the bedroom. She brings it back to the table.] I found this in Mom's room.

EMILY

What's that?

RORY

Pictures.

EMILY

Oh, my goodness. I haven't seen that in years.

RICHARD

Oh, my gosh.

EMILY

Ah, look at this

RORY

That's one fluffy white dress.

EMILY

Yes. There were 12 petticoats underneath it. We got it in London, remember, Richard?

RICHARD

Mm.

RORY

She looks like a little princess

EMILY

Yes, well, if memory serves, I believe about two minutes after that picture was taken, her highness dumped a glass of grape juice all over it.

RICHARD

Look, Emily, it's Hopie.

RORY

Hopie?

EMILY

My younger sister.

RORY

Has she ever been here when I was here? I don't remember her.

RICHARD

Oh, she lives in Paris. Our great expatriate.

EMILY

Oh, my, Hopie, look at you. I haven't seen her in such a long time.

RICHARD

Maybe we should take a trip this year.

EMILY

That would be nice.

RICHARD

Maybe Rory could go with us.

RORY

I'll start packing tomorrow. Oh, is that you guys?

RICHARD

Yes, it is.

EMILY

That is our wedding picture.

RORY

It's an amazing dress.

EMILY

It should've been. My mother had three seamstresses working around the clock making it.

RORY

Do you still have it?

EMILY

It's upstairs packed away somewhere. I'll save it for you if you like.

RICHARD

Oh, Emily, Rory's too young to be thinking about things like that.

EMILY

Oh, Richard, please. Every young girl thinks about her wedding. I know I did. I knew from the time I was twelve that I wanted lilies and orchids with a silver bow wrapped around them for my bouquet.

RICHARD

You also knew that you wanted to marry Erol Flynn.

RORY

Really? Grandma had a thing for the pirate guy?

EMILY

I did not have a thing for the pirate guy.

RICHARD

She was mad about him. She even tried to get me to grow one of those little mustaches.

RORY

You're kidding.

EMILY

Richard, stop.

RICHARD

She wanted me to swing from a chandelier.

EMILY

Oh, now you're just being silly.

RICHARD

Luckily I was on the fencing team in college or I would've married Lucinda Lester by now.

EMILY

Actually, Lucinda Lester looked a lot like Erol Flynn. I should've married her, it would've been very modern of me.

RORY

Wow. Mom looks really beautiful here.

EMILY

Yes, she does.

RORY

What was the occasion?

RICHARD

Who would like some coffee?

EMILY

That was her debutante gown for her coming out party.

RORY

Mom had a coming out party?

RICHARD

No, she didn't.

RORY

Oh.

EMILY

Yes, well, things happen, don't they?

RICHARD

If you'll excuse me, I have some business calls to make.

EMILY

I'll go get that coffee.

LUKE

Here.

HARRY

What is this?

LUKE

I brought you coffee.

HARRY

No, thank you.

LUKE

Harry, you're freezing. Take the damn coffee.

HARRY

When our forefathers stood out here many moons ago, they didn't have any coffee.

LUKE

How do you know? Do you have written documentation about what sort of beverages they did or did not have on that long historic night of standing?

HARRY

This is still a joke to you, young man. I don't choose to be a joke. We don't need your coffee.

LUKE

Harry, please, take the coffee. My father would've taken the coffee.

HARRY

Well, all right then, thank you.

LUKE

Andrew?

ANDREW

Thank you, Luke.

LUKE

Kirk?

KIRK

You got any herbal tea?

LUKE

Uh, not on me, but I can get some.

KIRK

With a squeeze of lemon?

LUKE

Okay.

GUY 1

I could really go for some cocoa.

GUY 2

Oh, that sounds good. Cocoa for me too.

LUKE

Okay, okay, hang on a minute. One herbal tea, uh, and two cocoas.

MAX

Yeah, that part was a little slow.

LORELAI

Slow?

MAX

But it picked up pretty soon after that, don't you think?

LORELAI

So, this is it, my house.

MAX

It's nice

LORELAI

Thank you.

MAX

Good porch. Nice windows. Front door. Which opens, I assume.

LORELAI

Yeah.

MAX

Something wrong?

LORELAI

No, nothing's wrong.

MAX

Are you sure?

LORELAI

Uh, yeah. I, um. . .see, I was so excited about the snow and about seeing you. . .

MAX

Thank you.

LORELAI

You're welcome. That I didn't really think this thing out, and, uh, I usually think this kind of thing out, so I'm just thinking this thing out.

MAX

What thing?

LORELAI

Inviting a man over to my house.

MAX

Okay.

LORELAI

See, I have really strict rules about dating. I keep my personal life totally separate from my life with Rory. You know, I never want her to feel unsettled or like her life could just shift at any moment.

MAX

I totally understand.

LORELAI

And she comes first, and this is her house too and. . .

MAX

I understand. This is something that you don't do often.

LORELAI

Ever.

MAX

Ever?

LORELAI

Never.

MAX

I see.

LORELAI

I mean, I've dated, and, uh, you know, dated, but, um, I've just never dated. . . here in our house.

MAX

What if I promised you that if you let me in, all I'm expecting is a cup of coffee, that's it. Nothing weird or funny. Unless, of course, you're into weird and funny. . .

LORELAI

Max!

MAX

'Cause I can do weird and funny. Lorelai, I've been enjoying the hell out of myself tonight, and I think you are, too.

LORELAI

I am.

MAX

Well, so, it's, uh, snowing, cold, and your daughter is elsewhere.

LORELAI

I know. I know.

MAX

I mean, the whole night's been a weird kismet of events.

LORELAI

Oh, it's that fate guy again.

MAX

At some point in your life you're gonna have to decide that some guy is worth opening that front door for. I am just volunteering.

LORELAI

Would you like some coffee?

LORELAI

How strong do you like your coffee, because I've built up such a tolerance to it I usually make it too intense for most people.

MAX

Yeah, yeah. I've lived through the fiesta burger, don't hold back now.

LORELAI

Okay.

MAX

Can I help?

LORELAI

Um, yeah, you can fill up the pot.

MAX

Oh, I'm very good at that. Six cups sounds good?

LORELAI

Fine, what are you gonna have?

MAX

You do know that was a leading question, right?

LORELAI

Really, how so? [they kiss] How badly do you want that coffee?

MAX

Not that badly.

LORELAI

Such a good answer.

MAX

How many kids did you say you have?

LORELAI

One. Why? [turns around and gasps] Lane! Hi, hi. Wha. . .uh. . .we're just. . .what are. . .what are. . .what are you doing here?

LANE

I'm sorry, I was waiting for Rory. I'll just go back into her room and I won't come back out, I promise.

LORELAI

Oh, that's The Cure. I have to go back in there.

MAX

It's okay, I'll finish up the coffee.

LORELAI

I'll be back as fast as humanly possible.

MAX

Good.

LORELAI

Hey.

LANE

Sorry I messed up your date.

LORELAI

Ah, you didn't mess up my date. What's going on?

LANE

I was waiting for Rory to get home.

LORELAI

Sweetie, Rory's stuck in Hartford tonight.

LANE

Oh, I didn't know. I'll just go.

LORELAI

Hey, do you wanna talk? I'm not Rory, but we do use the same blow dryer.

LANE

I did something really stupid today.

LORELAI

Okay, what'd you pierce?

LANE

Nothing. I touched a boy's hair.

LORELAI

Okay.

LANE

A boy I really like.

LORELAI

So far, missing the stupid part.

LANE

I kind of did it without his permission.

LORELAI

Now we're getting somewhere.

LANE

I don't know what happened. I mean, I was just standing there and then he bends over and his hair falls forward and suddenly it's like my hand has a life of its own.

LORELAI

Sounds like your hand had a little help from your hormones.

LANE

God, I'm so humiliated. I can't ever go back to school. I'll have to be home schooled. My mother finally gets her way.

LORELAI

Look at it from a different perspective. You have so many years of screw-ups ahead of you. . .view this as a trial run for really grownup humiliation.

LANE

So not helping.

LORELAI

Maybe you should be a hairdresser.

LANE

Lorelai!

LORELAI

Yes, it's perfect. Then you can run your hands though anybody's hair you want and they'll pay you for it.

LANE

What am I going to do? I mean, everyone at school's gonna be talking about me. I can't show my face.

LORELAI

Everybody does stupid things in high school, it's like a requirement.

LANE

Not like this.

LORELAI

No, some people get pregnant. Talk about something really juicy for the gossip mill.

LANE

I forgot about that.

LORELAI

Yeah. Everybody screws up, Lane. That's what happens. It's what you do with the screw-ups, it's how you handle the experience - that's what you should judge yourself by. I have a great life and an amazing kid. And I took a detour, I ended up some place good.

LANE

Yeah.

LORELAI

Tell me this - how did his hair feel? As good as it looked?

LANE

Better.

LORELAI

Oh, you're gonna be fine. I'm positive about that.

LANE

Thank you.

LORELAI

You're welcome.

LANE

So, who's the guy?

LORELAI

Rory's teacher.

LANE

Oh, he has nice hair.

LORELAI

Yeah.

LORELAI

Hey.

MAX

Hey. Everything okay in there?

LORELAI

It will be.

MAX

So where did we leave off?

LORELAI

Oh, Lane is gonna stay here tonight. She had a really bad teen day and she needs to crash someplace sympathetic.

MAX

Okay, I understand.

LORELAI

I swear to God, if this wasn't a major Judy Blume moment, I would kick her cute little butt right out of here.

MAX

Can you recommend a hotel that's really, really close to here?

LORELAI

Why don't you just stay here tonight? Everybody else is.

MAX

Oh, I don't know.

LORELAI

Really, the couch is comfortable, and there's pillows and blankets, and the bathroom's through there. The kitchen has nothing in it but running water if you get thirsty and. . .it's an awful night.

MAX

Okay, if it's not a problem.

LORELAI

Not at all.

MAX

Could I at least give you a kiss goodnight?

LORELAI

Only if you intend to live 'til morning.

MAX

Goodnight.

LORELAI

Goodnight.

LORELAI

Hi.

RORY

Hi. What's up?

LORELAI

Nothing, what's up with you?

RORY

You have something to tell me.

LORELAI

Boy, you're so smart. Right, okay, here we go. . .I've got a boy in the house.

RORY

You what?

LORELAI

Nothing happened, I swear. He slept the whole night on the couch. And you know him.

RORY

I do?

LORELAI

And you like him. I don't know if that's relevant, I just thought that I would throw that in there.

RORY

It's Mr. Medina.

LORELAI

I know.

RORY

My English teacher is on my couch.

LORELAI

It was the snow. You know how I get, it's like catnip. I was walking, he was there, his car was broken, we had fiesta burgers. It was the snow. Rory, say something.

LORELAI

Rory, talk to me. How do you feel?

RORY

I don't know.

LORELAI

Take a guess. Angry, frustrated, nauseous?

RORY

Weird, I feel weird. Has he been here all night?

LORELAI

Pretty much.

RORY

Oh, my God. Did he go into the bathroom? I have stuff hanging in there!

LORELAI

Honey, you knew I was gonna date him, right? This isn't a total surprise.

RORY

Yes, I knew you were gonna date. I just didn't expect for him to be here . . at our house. . .in the morning.

LORELAI

I know.

RORY

I don't remember ever there being a man in our house.

LORELAI

Yeah, well, I kind of broke the rules.

RORY

God, why is this so weird for me?

LORELAI

Because I should've told you first.

RORY

No.

LORELAI

Because I should have talked to you before I did this.

RORY

No.

LORELAI

Because you're afraid he smushed the couch pillows out of shape?

RORY

Do you love him?

LORELAI

I, uh. . .we had one date. It was a great date, World Series level. But it was just a date. Honey, I promised myself a long time ago that I was gonna keep all this stuff separate from you, and I want you to know that that still stands, okay? This was a one-time thing. I'm not gonna start just bringing guys home. This is not a trend.

RORY

You can, you know.

LORELAI

What?

RORY

Bring guys home. I mean, if you like someone you should feel comfortable doing that.

LORELAI

I appreciate that.

RORY

I want you to be happy.

LORELAI

And I love you for that.

RORY

Plus, I know you're not a cat person, so you truly will be alone if you don't find someone.

LORELAI

Okay, look, someday I will bring somebody home, but when I do I just want to be sure it's the guy.

RORY

Mr. Medina's not the guy?

LORELAI

I don't know, he might be. But right now it's just you and me. [Rory's bedroom door opens] And sometimes Lane.

LANE

Hey.

RORY

Hey.

LORELAI

I'm gonna go wake the man up.

LANE

Your mom let me spend the night here.

RORY

I tried calling you back all night but the phones didn't turn back on until this morning.

LANE

It's okay, I understand.

RORY

Lane, I'm so sorry. I've been the worst friend lately.

LANE

No, I just wigged out a little. I get jealous sometimes. I mean, you seem to have this really great life going and I don't really fit in there.

RORY

That's not true, you totally fit in.

LANE

Yeah?

RORY

I'm talking Legos.

LANE

I hope so.

RORY

I will be better from now on, I promise. Twenty-four hours a day at your disposal.

LANE

Dean'll love that.

RORY

Well, he'll have to, you came first.

LANE

That's right. I got dibs. [they hug] Okay, I have to go home.

RORY

Coffee at Luke's, 2 o'clock?

LANE

You're on.

RORY

And I wanna hear all about that hair touching incident.

LANE

Yeah, and I wanna hear the rest of the teacher on the couch incident.

RORY

Deal.