T1E16: “Star-Crossed Lovers and Other Strangers”

MISS PATTY

This, boys and girls, is the story of true love. A beautiful girl from one county; a handsome boy from another. They meet and they fall in love. Separated by distance and by parents who did not approve of the union, the young couple dreamed of a day that they could be together. They wrote each other beautiful letters. Letters of longing and passion. Letters full of promises and plans for the future. Soon the separation proved too much for either one of them to bear. So, one night, cold and black with no light to guide them, they both snuck out of their homes and ran away as fast as they could. It was so dark out that they were both soon lost and it seemed as if they would never find each other. Finally, the girl dropped to her knees, tears streaming down her lovely face. 'Oh, my love. Where are you? How will I find you?' Suddenly, a band of stars appeared in the sky. These stars shone so brightly they lit up the entire countryside. The girl jumped to her feet and followed the path of the stars until finally she found herself standing right where the town gazebo is today. And there waiting for her was her one true love, who had also been led here by the blanket of friendly stars. [Camera stops on Miss Patty's dance studio, where she is telling the story to a group of children.] And that, my friends, is the story of how Stars Hollow came to be, and why we celebrate that fateful night every year at about this time. Now, we still have a little time left in our story hour. Who wants to hear about the time I danced in a cage for Tito Puente?

KIDS

[raising hands] Me!

MISS PATTY

It was the summer of 66...

RORY

So?

DEAN

It's depressing.

RORY

It's beautiful.

DEAN

She throws herself under a train.

RORY

But I bet she looked great doing it.

DEAN

I don't know. I think maybe Tolstoy's just a little over my head.

RORY

No, that's not true. Tolstoy wrote for the masses, the common man. It's completely untrue that you have to be some kind of genius to read his stuff.

DEAN

Yeah but...

RORY

Now I know it's big. . .

DEAN

Very big.

RORY

And long. . .

DEAN

Very, very long

RORY

And many of the Russian names tend be spelled very similar, making it confusing...

DEAN

Every single person's name ends with 'ski'. Now how is that possible?

RORY

But it's one of my favorite books. And I know that if you just give it a try you...

DEAN

All right. I'll try again.

RORY

Really?

DEAN

Yeah.

RORY

You won't be sorry.

DEAN

Coffee?

RORY

Please.

DEAN

Man, I thought Christmas was a big deal around here.

RORY

Well, this is a town that likes the celebrating. Last year we had a month long carnival when we finally got off the septic tank system.

DEAN

A month long? You're kidding.

RORY

No. There were rides and a petting zoo and balloon animals and a freak show.

DEAN

Uh huh. Okay, you almost had me going there for a second.

RORY

Well we did have a ribbon cutting ceremony.

DEAN

So what are you doing Friday night?

RORY

Well, I've got the usual Friday night grandparents' dinner. But I thought maybe if we get back early enough you and I should go watch the bonfire together. I mean, it's kind of corny, but it's really pretty. And they sell star-shaped hot dogs.

DEAN

How about if you get out of dinner at your grandparents' this week?

RORY

I don't think so.

DEAN

Well, what if it's for a really special occasion?

RORY

Well, that special occasion better include my being relocated to a plastic bubble if my grandmother's gonna let me out of dinner.

DEAN

There must be some other excuse that you could use.

RORY

Like what?

DEAN

Like it's your three-month anniversary with your boyfriend.

RORY

It is?

DEAN

Yeah. Three months from your birthday. I mean, that's when I gave you the bracelet and that's when I figured this whole thing kinda started.

RORY

Wow. Three months.

DEAN

Actually, technically your birthday was on a Saturday, so really it should be Saturday, but I work Saturday and I planned out this whole big thing so I thought maybe we could do it on Friday.

RORY

What whole big thing?

DEAN

Just this once. Miss dinner. Please. Don't make me throw myself under a train.

RORY

I'll see what I can do.

DEAN

Thank you.

RORY

You're welcome. It's our three-month anniversary.

DEAN

Yeah it is.

RORY

I feel kind of stupid that I didn't even know about this.

DEAN

That's quite all right.

RORY

I mean, I feel really bad that I missed our two-month anniversary.

DEAN

Quite all right too.

RORY

How was it?

DEAN

Pretty good.

RORY

I'm glad.

RORY

No, put that away.

LORELAI

I wanna cook.

RORY

You can make soup.

LORELAI

No. I wanna really cook like on the Food Channel. I wanna sauté thing and chop things and do the BAM, and I wanna arrange things on a plate so they look like a pretty little hat. I wanna be the Iron Chef!

RORY

Fine.

LORELAI

Really?

RORY

Yeah, I'll help.

LORELAI

Okay. I need a pan.

RORY

And a fire extinguisher.

LORELAI

Funny, funny girl. Now, if I had only bought some hamburger.

RORY

You didn't buy hamburger?

LORELAI

Yes I bought hamburger. I just like saying things like that so you look at me like I'm crazy.

RORY

So, tell me, why the sudden need to be domestic?

LORELAI

Ah, I don't know. I'm in like a funky mood.

RORY

Why?

LORELAI

Too many stars, too much love, it makes me cranky.

RORY

I take it you haven't heard from Mr. Medina?

LORELAI

Hmm, no. I haven't.

RORY

Maybe that's why you're cranky.

LORELAI

Okay, new subject please.

RORY

You know, you have a phone also.

LORELAI

How's it coming with that pan?

RORY

Cleopatra, queen of denial.

LORELAI

The pan, Chucky. Please.

RORY

Okay fine. New topic.

LORELAI

Thank you.

RORY

I have this huge favor to ask you.

LORELAI

Oh, something I can hold over your head. Let's hear it.

RORY

Friday night is Dean's and my three-month anniversary.

LORELAI

Three months? Wow.

RORY

And Dean apparently has some big fancy evening planned for us.

LORELAI

Very classy of him.

RORY

Yes it is. But for me to actually partake of the foresaid fancy evening, I have to get out of Friday night dinner.

LORELAI

Ah.

RORY

Yeah.

LORELAI

Good luck with that.

RORY

Mom!

LORELAI

Do you know how much Emily Gilmore will not care about your three-month anniversary?

RORY

I was thinking you could talk to her.

LORELAI

If there was a runoff between what Emily Gilmore would care about less, a two-for-one toilet paper sale at Costco or your three month anniversary, your anniversary would win, hands down.

RORY

So you're not even gonna try to help me?

LORELAI

Oh no, I'm gonna try to help you, because I care. Emily Gilmore, however. .

RORY

Phone please.

LORELAI

Okay. [Lorelai walks over to the phone. She laughs.]

RORY

What?

LORELAI

Nothing. It's just, 'Oh, hey Mom, uh, Rory and Dean are having their three month anniversary on Friday.' 'Really Lorelai? Why that's wonderful. I'm thrilled.'

RORY

Stop.

LORELAI

'Three months. Well, woohoo. Hold on, I'm going to cartwheel.'

RORY

Forget it.

LORELAI

Oh, no wait. She's telling my dad now. Why, I think they're cabbage patching.

RORY

That's it. Find your own pan.

EMILY

Hello?

LORELAI

Mom?

EMILY

Lorelai?

LORELAI

Uh, yes, hi.

EMILY

Hello.

LORELAI

Hi. How are you doing?

EMILY

I'm doing fine.

LORELAI

That's good.

EMILY

I'm pleased.

LORELAI

How's Dad?

EMILY

What do you want Lorelai?

LORELAI

Um, I was just calling to say hello.

EMILY

And now you have.

LORELAI

Okay, good.

EMILY

Was there anything else that you wanted to add to that hello?

LORELAI

Well, as a matter of fact, there is.

EMILY

Ah ha.

LORELAI

Um, you know Rory.

EMILY

Yes, I believe I do.

LORELAI

She wanted to say hello too.

EMILY

Lorelai, I'm late for a meeting. I'd love to know why.

LORELAI

Mom, just hear me out, okay, and don't say anything. Um, see Friday night is Rory and Dean's three-month anniversary, and while that might not seem like a very big deal to you, it is to them. And I'm gonna ask you to do something you are so not gonna wanna do. But I am begging you to look at it from her point of view and maybe, just maybe let her, just this once, not come to dinner on Friday.

EMILY

All right.

LORELAI

What?

EMILY

Since this is a special occasion, I suppose it would be fine if Rory missed dinner on Friday.

LORELAI

It would?

EMILY

Yes

RORY

Mom?

LORELAI

Are you sure?

EMILY

I believe I am.

LORELAI

No arguments?

EMILY

No.

LORELAI

Well, she wont be there.

EMILY

I understand.

LORELAI

At all.

EMILY

I heard.

LORELAI

All night long.

EMILY

I assumed as much.

LORELAI

Okay.

EMILY

Okay.

LORELAI

All right.

EMILY

Anything else?

LORELAI

Uh, you know, she's gonna need some help getting ready for the big night Mom, so I should probably...

EMILY

We'll see you at seven.

LORELAI

Okay. Right. Bye.

RORY

So?

LORELAI

The world is officially coming to an end.

MADELINE

And they're off.

PARIS

The bell just rang three seconds ago. How did they get lip locked so fast?

MADELINE

I want a boyfriend to make out with.

LOUISE

Ty Tolson likes you.

MADELINE

I want to different boyfriend to make out with.

PARIS

I can't get to my locker.

LOUISE

I'm sure they'll move if you ask nice. You know, dangle a hotel key in front of their faces.

PARIS

This is a school. You don't do this in a school.

LOUISE

Not unless you've got a boyfriend like Tristin. Then you do it anywhere you can.

MADELINE

Street corner.

LOUISE

Shopping mall.

MADELINE

Phone booth.

LOUISE

Starbucks.

PARIS

Thank you for the "where to make out" list, I just need to get my books.

LOUISE

Hell hath no fury.

PARIS

[walks over to her locker] Excuse me. You're in my way. Hey, spawn in front of somebody else's locker please.

RORY

I'm assuming your locker's in there somewhere also.

PARIS

Yup. Right behind Belle Watling.

RORY

Have you tried to get their attention?

PARIS

Sure have.

RORY

No luck?

PARIS

Nope.

RORY

God, look at that. It's like he's eating her face.

PARIS

Okay, that's it. I'm getting the fire hose.

RORY

Let me try first. Hey, could you two just move this whole thing down to the left a little?

TRISTIN

What?

RORY

You're standing in front of the lockers.

PARIS

Our lockers.

TRISTIN

Oh sorry. Just got a little carried away.

RORY

Right.

TRISTIN

Hey Paris.

PARIS

Hey.

SUMMER

You should get bangs.

PARIS

Thanks for the tip.

SUMMER

You have a long forehead. Bangs would hide that.

MADELINE

Hey, party at my house Saturday.

LOUISE

Dress to impress please.

MADELINE

Come? (hands flyer to Rory)

RORY

Oh, I don't know.

MADELINE

You can bring your boyfriend.

RORY

I'll see.

SUMMER

So, meet me after biology?

TRISTIN

And if I don't?

SUMMER

You will.

TRISTIN

Oh, yes I will. Ah. To be young and in love.

PARIS

What a shame Elizabeth Barrett Browning wasn't here to witness this. She'd put her head through a wall.

LORELAI

Oh, now people, this is a kitchen. At least wear some hairnets.

SOOKIE

Lorelai, hello. Uh, we were, uh. . .

JACKSON

Just discussing jam making.

SOOKIE

Jackson's gonna start making jam and preserves.

JACKSON

Maybe tomato sauce.

SOOKIE

Yeah, there's a whole world out there beyond growing vegetables.

LORELAI

No coffee?

SOOKIE

Sorry.

LORELAI

That's okay. Resume smooching.

SOOKIE

Thank you.

MICHEL

No cherie. I can't wait either. Very soon. You are? Ohhh. Don't tease me. I promise all this waiting will be worthwhile. I'll see you then. Goodbye darling.

LORELAI

So how's mom?

MICHEL

And while normally I would look forward to a good verbal sparring match, today I say no. My heart is light, the world is fine and I have a date for Saturday night. Your turn.

LORELAI

What I need now is lots and lots of coffee.

MAN

Heads up!

LORELAI

Agh!

MAN

Hey, you okay?

LORELAI

Yeah, I'm fine.

MAN

Man, that has never happened before!

LORELAI

Really? How about that.

LORELAI

I was almost crushed by a papier mache star. How's your day?

LUKE

Well, it's looking pretty good now.

LORELAI

Coffee please, no shot of cynicism.

LUKE

So, why so cheery?

LORELAI

I don't know. I'm just in a mood. I don't know why.

LUKE

But there's no particular reason for this mood?

LORELAI

No.

LUKE

Uh huh.

LORELAI

You don't believe me?

LUKE

No, I believe you. If you say there's no reason for the mood, then there's no reason for the mood. You're simply nuts.

LORELAI

Or bipolar. That's very big nowadays.

TAYLOR

No, no, Patty, you're wrong. They built the fire to throw themselves on it when their families found them

MISS PATTY

Taylor you're crazy! They built the fire so that they could stay warm their first night here.

TAYLOR

Patty, I am the recording secretary for the Stars Hollow City Council, I think I know how my town was founded!

LORELAI

Ugh, can nobody talk about anything else but this stupid festival? [pause] That came out a lot louder then it was supposed to, didn't it?

LUKE

Yup.

LORELAI

Yup.

TAYLOR

This festival is commemorating the founding of our town, young lady.

LORELAI

I know Taylor. I'm sorry.

LUKE

She's bipolar.

MISS PATTY

Really? But you're so young.

LUKE

Uh, can I get you two anything else?

MISS PATTY

Oh, no thank you, sweetheart.

LORELAI

I don't know what is wrong with me. This is a beautiful festival. People should be enjoying it.

LUKE

It's a crazy festival based on a nutty myth about two lunatics, who in all probability did not even exist. And even if they did, probably dropped dead of diphtheria before age 24. The town of Stars Hollow probably got its name from the local dance hall prostitute. Two rich drunk guys who made up the story to make it look good on a poster.

LORELAI

You are full of hate and loathing, and I gotta tell you, I love it!

LUKE

Oh, it's so good to have somebody share this hate with.

LORELAI

My pleasure.

LUKE

More coffee?

LORELAI

Yeah please. Hey, tomorrow, if you have time, I'm planning on despising everyone who says 'Hey, how's it going?'

LUKE

You're on.

RACHEL

Hey, how's it going?

LORELAI

Oh, now that's just too easy.

LUKE

Rachel.

LORELAI

Rachel? Your Rachel? [Turning to Rachel] You're Rachel?

RACHEL

Yup. I'm Rachel.

LUKE

What are you...I mean, I thought you were in the Congo or Philadelphia or something.

RACHEL

Actually, though very similar to both the Congo and Philadelphia, I was in the Mideast.

LUKE

Oh. Guess that postcard must've gotten lost.

RACHEL

Yeah, yeah, well things pretty crazy over there, not a lot of writing time. But I finished up my assignment, and I flew back to Chicago and I was walking through O'Hare, and I look up and there's a plane leaving for Hartford in like 20 minutes, and all of a sudden, I'm on it.

LUKE

Nice story.

RACHEL

I should have called.

LUKE

No. You...it's fine.

RACHEL

You look good.

LUKE

Thanks. You um, you look, you, you uh look...

LORELAI

He thinks you look good too. Right?

LUKE

Right.

LORELAI

And you do.

RACHEL

Thank you.

LORELAI

I'm Lorelai.

LUKE

Oh yeah. She's Lorelai.

LORELAI

I'm Luke's friend.

LUKE

Yeah. She uh, uh, works at the Independence Inn.

LORELAI

I run it, actually.

LUKE

Sorry, she runs it.

RACHEL

Wow, I love that place.

LORELAI

Oh!

RACHEL

That must be a pretty big job.

LORELAI

It is! It's crazy. There's always something happening. Like, we just put these coffee makers in all the rooms, but only half of them work. They just like shake and gurgle, like they're having some kind of a fit. Why were you in the Mideast?

RACHEL

I was doing a photo story, on how Palestinian and Israeli families have been affected by the violence.

LORELAI

Uh huh, well, so you understand about the job pressure.

RACHEL

Yeah.

LORELAI

I'm gonna go.

RACHEL

Please, don't let me drive you away.

LORELAI

That's okay, you're not. I have to go sit in a closet or something. So, it was really nice to meet you.

RACHEL

Yeah, you too.

LORELAI

Okay, bye. (Lorelai leaves)

RACHEL

So. . .hi.

LUKE

Hi.

LORELAI

'Oh, we got new coffee makers.' Ugh! What was I thinking?

RORY

Well, you spent a lot of time picking out those coffee makers.

LORELAI

Oh yeah, I'm Mrs. Coffee.

RORY

Ow! Okay, I'm still attached to the head.

LORELAI

Okay, sorry. I'm a little worked up.

RORY

Mom, it just Luke's ex-girlfriend.

LORELAI

I know. I just hate that I made myself look so stupid in front of...

RORY

Luke?

LORELAI

No, Rachel. She was standing there, fresh off a plane, and she had no plane hair at all might I add.

RORY

And what exactly is plane hair?

LORELAI

You know, it's all big and all...bah.

RORY

Got it.

LORELAI

And he's staring at her like she's Miss September and she's looking at him like he's Johnny Depp, and I was just babbling like a moron, what is wrong with me?!

RORY

Ow! Ow! Okay, you are now officially off hair duty.

LORELAI

Aw, I'm sorry. I just...

RORY

No, it's okay. I just think it's a little early for Dean to see me completely bald.

LORELAI

Right, that's more a six-month thing.

RORY

So what's going on with you?

LORELAI

I don't know. It's just all this love in the air, you know. I miss Max. There's just been so much going on with your Dad coming home and family stuff and your constant existence...

RORY

Thanks for the love.

LORELAI

Any time. So I haven't had a lot of time to focus on it and I miss Max.

RORY

I know.

LORELAI

I had a dream about him the other night.

RORY

Really? Dirty?

LORELAI

No, absolutely not. And when you're 21, I'll tell you the real answer. Anyway, it's put me in a funk since then.

RORY

I'm sorry.

LORELAI

Me too. We could talk about me for years, and believe me, we will. But let's focus on you, the lady of the evening. No hooker reference intended.

RORY

Glad to hear it.

LORELAI

Now, what are you gonna wear with that?

RORY

Um, you tell me.

LORELAI

Uh, where is he taking you?

RORY

Why?

LORELAI

Well, you don't want to clash with the decor. A lady plans ahead.

RORY

Well, if you must know, he's taking me to Andoloro's.

LORELAI

Oh, well isn't that romantic?

RORY

I know!

LORELAI

Wow, it's gonna be just like Lady and the Tramp. You'll share a plate of spaghetti, but it'll just be one long strand, but you won't realize it until you accidentally meet in the middle. And then, he'll push a meatball towards you with his nose, and you'll push it back with your nose, and then you'll bring the meatball home and you'll save it in the refrigerator for years and. . .

RORY

Mom?

LORELAI

Uh, neither. Just wear your coat.

RORY

Okay.

LORELAI

But your flower's just a little smushed.

LANE

(calls from front hallway) Rory?

LORELAI

There you go, you're all set.

LANE

Is anyone here?

RORY

You all right?

LORELAI

Oh yeah, you look beautiful. Go.

RORY

Lane?

LANE

Oh my God!

LANE

I just can't believe it!

RORY

I know!

LANE

I mean, three months, that's like one sixty-fourth of your life!

RORY

I know!

LANE

I have to stop hanging out with you. I mean, you're just making my life seem too pathetic.

LORELAI

Join the club.

RORY

Are you going to the festival? 'Cause maybe we could meet you there later.

LANE

Oh yeah, that would be romantic.

RORY

Lane.

LANE

Yes, I'm going to the festival. And would you like to know why?

LORELAI

Uh oh!

LANE

My mother has once again set me up.

RORY

Another future doctor?

LANE

A future chiropractor. I think she's losing confidence in my prospects.

RORY

Maybe he'll be nice.

LANE

Oh, it's not just him. We're going with his parents, his grandparents, two sisters, three brothers and at least one maiden aunt.

RORY

That's Dean.

LANE

Remember, you have to tell me everything.

RORY

Okay. You too.

LANE

Oh yeah. After the walking, the silence, the sitting and the 'buh bye', that's when the fun will begin.

RORY

I wanna know anyhow. Bye Mom.

LORELAI

Bye honey, have fun.

RORY

Okay.

LORELAI

Don't forget the meatball.

LANE

The meatball?

LORELAI

It's a mother-daughter thing. (Rory leaves)

LANE

So, think I can hang out with you for awhile?

LORELAI

Oh, uh, not unless you wanna go to Hartford. Besides didn't anyone ever tell you, it's not polite to keep fifteen prospective Korean in-laws waiting.

LANE

You can run over me on your way out. Maybe my mother wouldn't make me go if I was in the hospital.

LORELAI

I wouldn't count on it.

LANE

Yeah, you're right.

EMILY

You're late.

LORELAI

How did you do that?

EMILY

What?

LORELAI

Answer the door before I even rang the bell.

EMILY

I thought I heard something, I came to the door, you were there. Come in please. (Lorelai walks in.)

LORELAI

You thought you heard something?

EMILY

Yes.

LORELAI

Mom, that door is like ten feet thick.

EMILY

So?

LORELAI

Well, so, it wasn't like I was standing out there with a band of jackals, I was just drinking coffee.

EMILY

Lorelai, what is it that you want to hear? That I was standing by the window, staring out at the driveway, waiting to pounce the moment you arrived.

LORELAI

Yes, because believe it or not, that would be less creepy.

EMILY

Get yourself a drink, please.

LORELAI

Hey Dad.

RICHARD

Lorelai.

LORELAI

Sorry I'm late. I was helping Rory get ready for her big date, and well, you know girls.

RICHARD

Mm hmm.

LORELAI

So. . . um, how's work?

RICHARD

Oh, work is fine.

LORELAI

Yeah? Good, good. My work's fine too.

RICHARD

Uh huh.

LORELAI

Oh God. Mom has gone a little crazy with the figurines here, huh? A little Kathy Bates. Although you probably haven't seen Misery, which is a good thing because Rory couldn't sleep alone for a week after we watched it. That wouldn't be a problem for you because you don't sleep alone anyway. I'm guessing. I don't know what your and mom's sleeping arrangement is. Now I'm wishing I hadn't brought it up because it's such a 'Wow, don't wanna go there' kind of a subject. For me, not for you, because you should definitely go there if you...uh, well anyway. Agh!

RICHARD

Oh, what have you done now?

LORELAI

Nothing. I just, well, I'm putting the bunny back with his little friends and I just sort of massacred them a little bit, but that's life in the jungle isn't it?

RICHARD

Just sit down, please.

LORELAI

Okay, sorry.

RICHARD

Just sit with your hands in your lap.

LORELAI

Sorry.

RICHARD

And I'm trying to read, so just be quiet and try not to break anything else

EMILY

So are we having a nice chat?

LORELAI

Yeah, we're having a great conversation, me and Morrie.

EMILY

Excuse me?

LORELAI

Nothing. Thanks, Mom, for letting Rory out of dinner tonight. She really appreciated it.

EMILY

Well, she deserves to celebrate. A three-month anniversary is a landmark feat at her age. Or at any age for some people.

LORELAI

I was gonna get a drink. I'm gonna get right on that.

EMILY

I'll get that. (leaves room)

LORELAI

Can I freshen up your drink Dad?

RICHARD

No, thank you. One drink before dinner is quite enough.

LORELAI

Right, sorry.

EMILY

I had no idea it was so close!

CHASE

Absolutely, right around the corner.

EMILY

Well, what a small world. Oh, Lorelai, I'd like you to meet Chase Bradford.

LORELAI

Hey.

CHASE

Hi.

EMILY

He was just telling me that he actually grew up right around the corner from here.

LORELAI

Oh, really?

CHASE

Stone house on the corner.

LORELAI

Oh, the one with the Dobermans.

CHASE

That's right. Leopold and Loeb. Though I'm afraid they passed on quite a few years ago.

LORELAI

Postmen finally got organized, huh?

EMILY

Uh, Chase, this is my husband, Richard.

RICHARD

How do you do?

CHASE

Fine, Richard, just fine.

EMILY

Uh, please sit down.

RICHARD

Emily, I didn't know we were having company for dinner.

EMILY

Oh well, it was just sort of a spur of the moment thing. Chase's mother and I are in the DAR together and he just moved back to Hatrford, and it just seemed like a nice idea.

LORELAI

Yes, very nice.

RICHARD

Uh Chase, can I get you a drink?

CHASE

Scotch neat.

RICHARD

Uh, Glenfiddich?

CHASE

Fine. So Lorelai, your mother's told me all about you.

LORELAI

Really?

CHASE

Oh yes. I'm just sorry your daughter couldn't join us for dinner. I adore children.

LORELAI

Mom, can I talk to you for a minute?

EMILY

Lorelai, we have company.

LORELAI

It'll just take a second, really.

EMILY

But...

LORELAI

Come on, it'll be fun. Excuse us. We're just gonna have a spur of the moment conversation. (Lorelai guides Emily out of the room.)

EMILY

You're pushing me.

LORELAI

Is this a setup?

EMILY

What?

LORELAI

Uh, Connecticut Ken in there, is he my invited escort for the evening?

EMILY

Lorelai, his mother is a friend of mine.

LORELAI

And?

EMILY

He just moved back here and doesn't know anyone.

LORELAI

And?

EMILY

And I thought he might enjoy meeting you.

LORELAI

AH HA!

EMILY

Put that finger down!

LORELAI

Ah, this is why the Miss Congeniality act when Rory wanted to beg out of dinner.

EMILY

It just seemed like a good opportunity.

LORELAI

Mom, thank you for the thought, but I can get my own men.

EMILY

(laughs) Really?

LORELAI

Yes, really.

EMILY

I must disagree.

LORELAI

You must?

EMILY

Chase is a quality man, he has good breeding, he comes from a nice family. He makes a nice living, he's attractive.

LORELAI

Mom, mmm, no.

EMILY

Is it gonna kill you to simply keep an open mind about him?

LORELAI

Mom, he's not my type.

EMILY

Why not? Because I like him?

LORELAI

You know, I swear, I don't know which one, but there is a game show out there with your name on it.

EMILY

Well that must be it because you've hardly said two words to the man. You couldn't possibly hate him already.

LORELAI

Oh no, it's that arcade game where the mole keeps sticking his head out and you have to pound him as many times as you can with the mallet. You would be a master at that game.

EMILY

Lorelai, I realize that Chase may not be as controversial as your usual brand of men.

LORELAI

They would erect a statue of you next to it with perfect hair and pearls and a big bronze mallet.

EMILY

But I want you to think about something. Tonight your daughter is celebrating her three-month anniversary. What was the last relationship you had that lasted that long? [pause] I thought so.

EMILY

Well, here we are. I'm very sorry.

CHASE

Oh, that's all right. I had a chance to tell Richard a little bit about what I do in the actuarial business.

RICHARD

Yes, it's fascinating.

CHASE

Lorelai, may I fix you something to drink?

LORELAI

Hmm, gin.

CHASE

And?

LORELAI

Gin.

RICHARD

Make that two.

LORELAI

What about the one drink before dinner rule?

RICHARD

Well, we have guests. We're celebrating. Chase, here, let me help you with that.

RORY

That was really good.

DEAN

It was?

RORY

Yes it was.

DEAN

How was the salad?

RORY

Great.

DEAN

What about that cheese bread thing? Too heavy?

RORY

Just heavy enough.

DEAN

Really?

RORY

Everything was perfect. Even the soda was good. I don't know how they do it but the Coke here is definitely superior to the Coke anywhere else.

DEAN

Okay, at what point during that did you start making fun of me?

RORY

I would never make fun of you. Especially not after you ordered three different kinds of pasta for me just because I couldn't decide.

DEAN

Well you shouldn't have to decide. I mean, tonight, you should have everything that you want.

RORY

I just have to say that I'm now a very big fan of the three-month anniversary.

DEAN

Oh yeah?

RORY

Definitely. I think they should have T-shirts and newsletters.

DEAN

Well, I'm glad.

RORY

You did all this for me.

DEAN

It's not over yet.

RORY

This is just like that Christmas when I got a full set of illustrated encyclopedias. [Dean gives a confused look] I wanted them.

DEAN

Oh, uh, good

WAITER

One tiramisu, two forks, and uh, one meatball to go.

RORY

Thank you.

DEAN

You wanna explain the meatball?

RORY

It's a mother-daughter thing.

DEAN

Okay. Well, uh ladies first.

RORY

Thank you. [takes a bite] Okay, have I mentioned how much I'm loving the three month anniversary thing?

DEAN

Yeah, you did.

RORY

Because this tiramisu is so good that if the anniversary were completely sucking right now, this would save it. What?

DEAN

Nothing.

RORY

Stop it.

DEAN

No, you look cute.

RORY

I'm eating.

DEAN

Well, you eat cute.

RORY

I do not eat cute. No one eats cute. Bambi maybe, but he's a cartoon.

DEAN

So, uh, after we finish here we move onto phase two of the anniversary evening.

RORY

Phase 2. Sounds very official, are there space suits involved?

DEAN

With matching helmets.

RORY

Impressive.

CHASE

So Lorelai, are you a member of the DAR?

LORELAI

No, I'm not. D-A-R-N. [giggles] See, uh, that's like darn 'cause it was a play on DAR. Boy, these carrots sure are tiny.

EMILY

Chase, I'm simply fascinated about your work situation. Tell us how you wound up back here at home. I mean, you move away to make your fortune and you end up right back here. Isn't life funny?

LORELAI

Hilarious.

RICHARD

It's a comedy for the masses.

CHASE

Well I worked hard and the company was very good to me. You know a thing or two about company loyalty I assume, Richard. Well, the company offered me a choice of East Coast locations, sort of a big vote of confidence in the job I was doing. Picking your locale, it's a very coveted position to be in.

LORELAI

Yeah, would like to be picking my locale right now.

CHASE

So I sat down and made my wish list. I looked for places that offered location amenities as well as job growth, and finally after days of research, checking into traffic conditions, crime rates, the best school systems, my decision came down to just two places. One was in New York, one was in Hartford.

LORELAI

And you chose Hartford.

CHASE

I did at that.

RICHARD

Emily, is there any more roast?

CHASE

Hartford has all the cosmopolitan big city benefits that New York has, without actually having to live in New York. It just seemed like a no brainer.

LORELAI

I'll get dad some more roast.

EMILY

Leta will bring it.

LORELAI

Oh, but it's so much more personal this way.

CHASE

Hurry back. I just simply have to know what the allure of this Stars Hollow is I've heard so much about.

LORELAI

Miles and miles and miles.

DEAN

So, what book did you bring?

RORY

What?

DEAN

Well, come on, you always bring a book with you and I was just wondering, what's the three month anniversary book?

RORY

Actually, I brought the New Yorker.

DEAN

A magazine. Really?

RORY

It's the fiction issue.

MAYOR

People of Stars Hollow, and our many friends. It gives me great pleasure to preside over our annual founders festival for the thirty-second time. Many a true love has had it start right on the spot where I stand. And I don't mind telling you that at this very festival, right by this gazebo, is where I met my own true love, Miss Dora Braythwait. We have been married for 43 years, and it all started right here.

TAYLOR

(covers microphone and whispers) Ask her to wave.

MAYOR

(whispers) I can't.

TAYLOR

Why not?

MAYOR

(To Taylor) She went to Bingo in Bridgeport. (To crowd) And now my friends, if you will join me in lighting the fire.

RORY

Okay, take me to the surprise now.

DEAN

But I thought you said you wanted to see the bonfire being lit.

RORY

Oh I do.

DEAN

Wait, but Mayor Porter just said. . .

RORY

Trust me. It's gonna be awhile before it's lit. We'll have plenty of time before they're ready.

MAYOR

Every damn year.

TAYLOR

It was Lenny's responsibility.

AYORORY

Oh for Pete's sake. Does anyone have any matches?

CHASE

It's really fascinating stuff.

EMILY

It sounds it. Tell us more.

CHASE

Well, we're in the middle of building new statistical models that let us do a better job at predicting death than we've ever been able to do before. Richard, you might find this interesting.

RICHARD

Well, I've never been one for sitting at a computer building models, Chase. I'm a client contact man myself.

CHASE

But these models give you a better product to sell to those clients.

EMILY

That does sound interesting.

CHASE

Oh it is. In fact, if you were to answer a few simple questions for me, I could practically pinpoint the day you're going to die.

EMILY

Goodness.

LORELAI

Go ahead. Ask her the questions.

EMILY

I think I'll pass.

CHASE

No no, Lorelai! I'd have to feed the information into a computer to get the answer. I'm no Kreskin!

EMILY

Well, Chase, why don't you and Lorelai retire to the living room for some Brandy while I help Leta clean up.

LORELAI

While you do what?

CHASE

That sounds lovely? Shall we?

LORELAI

Uh, sure. I'm just going to, um, go and powder my something. But I'll be back in a minute and I'll meet you in the living room.

CHASE

I'll be waiting.

LORELAI

Super.

RICHARD

Lorelai, your mother wants to know if. . .

LORELAI

Hi daddy. Okay, I know this is bad. And I know this probably brings back all the horrible aspects of my childhood life for you. And see, I'm really sorry that we fought last week, and I'm really sorry that you're so disappointed in me, and I really wish there was something I can do to fix that, but there probably isn't and I can accept that because I am an adult now and I am proud of who I have become. But I am begging you, please, please do not make me go back down there because that guy is boring.

RICHARD

Emily, she's not up here!

LORELAI

Thank you Daddy.

DEAN

We're here.

ORY

We're where?

DEAN

Come on.

RORY

Dean, what is this?

DEAN

Okay. Uh, did you ever see Christine?

RORY

Yes.

DEAN

Well, it's nothing like that. Come on.

RORY

You brought me to Beirut?

DEAN

It's a salvage yard.

RORY

Ah. And yet it looks so much like Beirut.

DEAN

Okay. Uh, here we are.

RORY

Wow.

DEAN

It's a car.

RORY

It is?

DEAN

Well, it will be.

RORY

When it grows up?

DEAN

When I fix it.

RORY

What?

DEAN

Um, it's yours.

RORY

What do you mean it's mine?

DEAN

I mean, I'm building it piece by piece for you.

RORY

No.

DEAN

Yeah. I started with the frame. The seats and the windshield just went in yesterday.

RORY

You're building me a car?

DEAN

Yeah, now it's gonna take awhile, but when I'm done, it'll be great.

RORY

You're building me a car. You're building me a car.

DEAN

That's right.

RORY

You're building me a car?

DEAN

I'm building you a car.

RORY

This is crazy. Why would you do this?

DEAN

I don't know. You didn't have one.

RORY

You're completely insane.

DEAN

What? I didn't want you wasting time on the bus anymore. I mean, that is very valuable time we could be arguing about your ongoing obsession with very confusing Russian authors.

RORY

I can't believe this

DEAN

Um, do you like it?

RORY

Do I like it? Are you kidding? (she kisses him)

DEAN

I'll take that as a yes.

RORY

Take it mister.

DEAN

Come on, get in.

DEAN

Uh, I'll fix that.

RORY

Don't. I like it like that. (they both get in the car) This is amazing.

DEAN

I'm glad you like it.

RORY

I had no idea that three months was the car anniversary.

DEAN

Four months you get a plane.

RORY

Boy, relationships sure have changed since I was a kid. (they lean back and look at the stars) I'm having one of those moments right now.

DEAN

What moments?

RORY

One of those moments that everything is so perfect and so wonderful that you almost feel sad because nothing can ever be this good again.

DEAN

So, basically, I'm depressing you.

RORY

Yup.

DEAN

You're very weird.

RORY

And you're wonderful. (They kiss)

DEAN

Rory?

RORY

Yeah?

DEAN

I love you. (pause) Rory?

RORY

Yeah?

DEAN

Did you hear me?

RORY

Uh huh.

DEAN

Well, say something.

RORY

I. . . I. .

DEAN

Yeah?

RORY

I love the car.

DEAN

Uh, and that's it?

RORY

No. I just. . . I'm surprised, I didn't expect. . .I don't. . .

DEAN

You don't love me.

RORY

No, I just have to think about it for a minute.

DEAN

Think about what?

RORY

Well, saying I love you is a really difficult thing.

DEAN

Well I just did it.

RORY

And you did it really well.

DEAN

What the hell does that mean?

RORY

I'm sorry. Please. This totally came as a surprise. I mean, with the dinner, and the car, and then the... I just need a minute to think

DEAN

This is not something that you think about Rory. This is either something that you feel or you don't.

RORY

Please, don't be mad.

DEAN

Why? Because I say I love you and you wanna think about it? I mean, go home and discuss it with your mother? Make one of your pro/con lists?

RORY

Not fair.

DEAN

I'm sorry. I'm an idiot. I don't even know what I was thinking.

RORY

Dean. Please, it's just not that easy for me. I mean, saying I love you means a lot. Think about it from my point of view. I mean, my mom and our life. I mean, my mom said that she loved my dad and then. . .

DEAN

You don't get pregnant saying I love you.

RORY

I know. I'm just confused. I need to...It's a really big deal.

DEAN

Fine, come on.

RORY

Dean, please don't be mad.

DEAN

I'll take you home.

RORY

Dean, tonight was amazing. It was perfect. Please, I swear, I just need a minute to. . .

DEAN

Whatever, it doesn't matter, all right? Let's go.

JACKSON

Sookie?

SOOKIE

Yes Jackson?

JACKSON

You know what I'm thinking about right now?

SOOKIE

That time I roasted some red peppers over the stove burner and singed off my eyebrows?

JACKSON

No.

SOOKIE

Good.

JACKSON

I'm just thinking, this is really nice.

SOOKIE

Me too.

LUKE

You getting some good stuff?

RACHEL

Oh yeah, yeah, the firelight really changes people. Ya know, makes them seem happier, freer, all troubles of the world completely gone.

LUKE

I don't think that's the firelight. I think it's the Founders Day party punch they've been selling.

RACHEL

Oh yeah, that stuff is good

LUKE

Okay, at some point, are you gonna tell me what you're doing here?

RACHEL

I'm putting more film in my camera.

LUKE

Rachel.

RACHEL

What? I told you, I was at the airport, now I'm here.

LUKE

Oh well sure, when you put it like that.

RACHEL

Correct me if I'm wrong, but you don't sound all that happy to see me.

LUKE

Correct me if I'm wrong, but you have a tendency to show up and then leave, quite suddenly. One of your more charming attributes.

RACHEL

So you're not happy to see me? Luke, I don't know what I'm doing here. I just missed you. I wanted to see you. I don't know what else to say.

LUKE

I missed you too.

RACHEL

So since we're both being blunt, what's the deal with Lorelai?

LUKE

What are you talking about?

RACHEL

I'm talking about Lorelai, the lady who runs the inn, the one you've told me absolutely nothing about, and been very careful to leave out of every story, anecdote, or gossip about the town.

LUKE

There is no deal with Lorelai. We're friends.

RACHEL

For now?

LUKE

Yes.

RACHEL

And in the future?

LUKE

Well, Lorelai is, she's just uh...I don't know. I mean, at time it seems like, I don't know. But I am happy to see you.

RACHEL

Good. I'm gonna get some of that party punch. You want some?

LUKE

That stuff will kill you.

RACHEL

Oh Luke, some things never change.

LORELAI

Hey. Where the hell's the fire department when you need them?

LUKE

Hey, aren't you supposed to be in Hartford?

LORELAI

Yeah.

LUKE

What happened?

LORELAI

Climbed out the window.

LUKE

Okay.

LORELAI

That's it. You're not curious why?

LUKE

No.

LORELAI

That's what I love about you.

LUKE

Hey, how long you been here?

LORELAI

A little while.

LUKE

Did you see Harry and Taylor get into a fist fight?

LORELAI

No! Aww! How did I miss that? I'm so bummed!

LUKE

It was good.

LORELAI

So where's Rachel?

LUKE

Oh, she's a founder's party punch junkie.

LORELAI

God, even the nice girls aren't safe.

LUKE

Yeah. She's been running around here taking all kinds of pictures.

LORELAI

She's having a good time.

LUKE

I guess so. I hope so.

LORELAI

So?

LUKE

Yes?

LORELAI

So, what's the haps with you two?

LUKE

The haps? Well, lets see. What is the haps?

LORELAI

I mean, like, ya know, what's going. . .

LUKE

I know what you meant by the haps.

LORELAI

Okay, well you're repeating it like a thousand times.

LUKE

I was pondering.

LORELAI

Well you ponder really slowly.

LUKE

If I did it fast it wouldn't be pondering. Pondering by nature is a slow connotation.

LORELAI

Okay. Fine, fine.

LUKE

It's okay.

LORELAI

Is she staying?

LUKE

I don't know.

LORELAI

Do you want her to?

LUKE

I don't know.

LORELAI

She seems to really like you.

LUKE

Yeah she does, but she doesn't have the greatest attention span.

LORELAI

Yeah.

LUKE

But she is here.

LORELAI

Yes, she is.

LUKE

I don't know. You spend a lot of time debating things, ya know, is it right, is it wrong, or should I do this, should I do that. I mean, sometimes you should just jump in and take a shot. What's the worst that can happen? She left before, I lived. Maybe this time.

LORELAI

I think that's really great.

LUKE

You do?

LORELAI

Yeah.

LUKE

Thanks.

LORELAI

You're welcome

LUKE

Well, I guess I'm gonna go check up on Rachel.

LORELAI

That's nice.

LUKE

What?

LORELAI

That you have somebody you can go check up on. That's nice.

LUKE

Yeah it is. Unless she's completely drunk and throwing up.

LORELAI

Still nice.

LUKE

I'll see you tomorrow?

LORELAI

Tomorrow.

MAX'S MACHINE

Hi, you've reached Max Medina. I'm not here right now so leave a message at the beep and I'll get back to you. Thanks.

LORELAI

Rory?

RORY

We just broke up.