T1E15: “Christopher Returns”

RORY

He looks good don’t you think?

LORELAI

He looks good.

RORY

I like his hair shorter.

LORELAI

Short is nice.

RORY

Do you think he’ll stay long?

LORELAI

Wouldn’t bet a lot of money on it.

RORY

Maybe we can get him to stay for a couple of weeks.

LORELAI

Absolutely - by weighting him down with blankets.

RORY

I just want him to be comfortable.

LORELAI

He’s gonna come and go as he pleases babe, you know that.

RORY

Yeah, I know.

LORELAI

And no amount of bedding is gonna change that.

RORY

Yeah, but he’s never been to Stars Hollow before.

LORELAI

I know.

RORY

Well that means something’s gotta be different right?

LORELAI

Why don’t you just enjoy the time you’ve got ok?

RORY

[pause] Yeah, ok. I still think something is different though.

CHRISTOPHER

[coming down the stairs] That is the worst shower I have ever had. Water pressure keeps changing every two seconds. I’m fixing it tomorrow.

LORELAI

Hey you stay away from my shower.

RORY

We ordered chinese food. It should be here any minute.

CHRISTOPHER

Good, I’m starving.

LORELAI

Here [handing him a cup of coffee]

RORY

Hey, how’s Diane?

CHRISTOPHER

Uh, Diane is ancient history.

RORY

When I met her at Easter you said she could be the one.

CHRISTOPHER

The one to be gone by Memorial Day.

RORY

You’re worse than mom.

LORELAI

Low blow.

CHRISTOPHER

Can’t keep a feller happy?

LORELAI

Oh I keep them happy. I keep them very happy.

RORY

Ok, now. Don’t get gross.

CHRISTOPHER

Yeah you’re upsetting us.

RORY

I’m gonna go study before the food gets here.

CHRISTOPHER

What? Tomorrow’s Saturday.

RORY

I know, I like to get my weekend homework done and out of the way by Saturday night so then I can do extra-credit stuff on Sunday [leaves]

LORELAI

Don’t look at me.

CHRISTOPHER

She’s a great kid Lor. I wish I could say I see more of myself in her other than we have similar left ear lobes, but she’s all you - chip off the old...perfect block.

LORELAI

Why the hell are you here?

CHRISTOPHER

Behold the queen of the subtle transition.

LORELAI

Why are you here?

CHRISTOPHER

You’re gonna force me to lawyer up officer.

LORELAI

Christopher.

CHRISTOPHER

Ok look. I’ve been making some changes, especially my career and I think I finally have all my ducks lined up in a row.

LORELAI

You’re opening a shooting gallery.

CHRISTOPHER

I’ve been tying up loose ends in my life.

LORELAI

Do they make that much string?

CHRISTOPHER

You know you’ve always had that verbal thing, quick mind - it’s annoying.

LORELAI

So you’ve been tying up loose ends.

CHRISTOPHER

I don’t know how much your dad has told you but I’m on the verge of kind of a big success, it’s for real this time. I’ve got a company with an actual cash flow, I’ve got employees, I’ve got an accountant for God’s sake. He wears a tie and says words like ‘fiduciary’ and ‘ironically’. I mean it’s for real this time Lor.

LORELAI

I would love to believe it is.

CHRISTOPHER

[sighs] Why does your dad have more faith in my than you.

LORELAI

My father hit his head surfing Rincon a couple of years ago. His judgement’s a little off.

CHRISTOPHER

So you have zero faith?

LORELAI

I’ve known you since I was six Chris. You’re the guy that crashed his Porsche two hours after his parents gave it to him for his 16th birthday.

CHRISTOPHER

And you were the girl in the Pinky Tuscadero t-shirt sitting right next to me.

LORELAI

Horrified.

CHRISTOPHER

Think again.

LORELAI

Alright, having a blast then horrified.

CHRISTOPHER

Just listen to me will you?

LORELAI

I’m listening to you. Your life’s back on track, I think that’s great. And I appreciate you coming all the way out here, for the very first time might I add, to tell us that.

CHRISTOPHER

I didn’t come out here just to tell you that.

LORELAI

No?

CHRISTOPHER

[sighs] There’s some things I need to do...to take care of.

LORELAI

Like?

CHRISTOPHER

I haven’t been enough a part of Rory’s life. So I wanna be around more, to be a pal she can depend on. I mean I’m not crazy, I know there’s already a life going on here and God knows she doesn’t need anyone besides you but...if you give me a chance...

LORELAI

I’ve always had the door to Rory open for you.

CHRISTOPHER

I know.

LORELAI

You’ve hardly ever used it.

CHRISTOPHER

Well I wanna use it now. Is that ok?

LORELAI

Of course it is.

CHRISTOPHER

Good.

RORY

[coming into the living room] Hey, I forgot to ask you. Tomorrow morning I’m going to a softball game, do you wanna come?

CHRISTOPHER

You...play softball?

RORY

[laughing] Uh, no.

LORELAI

[laughing] You? Play softball? Good one.

CHRISTOPHER

Well ok, who’s game is it?

RORY

It’s my friend Dean’s.

CHRISTOPHER

Dean?

RORY

Yeah Dean. The game starts at 9:00.

CHRISTOPHER

Uh, sure. It’s a date. [Rory leaves. To Lorelai] She has a Dean?

LORELAI

She has a Dean.

CHRISTOPHER

How did this happen?

LORELAI

Well a single-celled organism crawled out of primordial ooze and that pretty much lead to Dean.

CHRISTOPHER

I need a beer.

LORELAI

Hey.

CHRISTOPHER

Yes dear?

LORELAI

[chuckles] There’s a lot more than an earlobe resemblance there.

CHRISTOPHER

Good. Hey, thanks for the door thing.

LORELAI

Thanks for wanting it.

DEAN

[to batter] You got it, you got the next one. Don’t worry about it. [batter strikes out]

CHRISTOPHER

So which is your Dean?

RORY

That’s him over there.

LUKE

Ok, we’ve got two outs.

RORY

And that’s Luke.

CHRISTOPHER

Luke’s the diner guy?

RORY

Yes. We eat there practically every day.

LUKE

Looks like we got out number three coming to the plate guys. [as Rory and Chris sit in the bleachers in front of Kirk]

DEAN

I’d send your boys a little farther into the field Luke.

LUKE

Why? Will they have a better view of you whiffing?

DEAN

You know, the only way I’m not hitting it, is if you don’t have the strength to get it over the plate.

KIRK

The truth of the matter is that you can’t pitch [pointing to Luke] and you can’t hit [point to Dean]. So this’ll be a terrific match up.

LUKE

Knock it off Kirk.

KIRK

A historic lack of action.

LUKE

Don’t you have anything better to do with your Saturdays?

KIRK

What can I say, I’m addicted to comedy. [to Rory and Chris] Half an hour they been playing and it’s tied zero - zero. [louder] Hey if you ever take this show on the road I got a name for you, zero and zero. Dean Zero and Luke Zero - get it?

LUKE

Doesn’t even resemble clever.

KIRK

I’m dumbing it down for you Alfalfa.

CHRISTOPHER

How long do these games last?

RORY

Till they get tired. And then they say the first team to get a run wins.

KIRK

Yeah, it’s real professional down there. Hey Luke, does your husband play softball too?

LUKE

Alright that’s it. [starts for the bleachers]

KIRK

Um...I’m getting a page. I’ve gotta go. [jumps off the bleachers and starts running.]

DEAN

Hey.

RORY

Hey. Dean this is my dad. Dad, this is Dean.

CHRISTOPHER

Dean.

DEAN

Uh, nice to meet you.

CHRISTOPHER

Same here.

DEAN

So do you live in the area?

CHRISTOPHER

No I had some time so I rode my bike out from Berkley.

DEAN

Really? What do you got?

RORY

[proudly] It’s a 2000 Indian.

DEAN

I got an ’86 Suzuki.

CHRISTOPHER

Nice!

DEAN

Yeah.

LUKE

Dean come on!

DEAN

I gotta go. [to Rory] I’ll see you later. [to Christopher] I was nice meeting you. [runs onto the field]

CHRISTOPHER

So that was a Dean?

RORY

That was a Dean?

DEAN

[to Luke] Hey, uh, next run wins alright?

LUKE

[sighs] Yeah alright.

LORELAI

Wow!

SOOKIE

Wow what?

LORELAI

Wow! I have never seen you two enjoy a pleasant moment together.

SOOKIE

Oh come on.

MICHEL

Oh you have seen us enjoy a pleasant moment!

LORELAI

No, not ever.

MICHEL

Oh you are being absurd.

SOOKIE

You have to admit, they are few and far between.

MICHEL

Through not fault of mine.

LORELAI

I’m just saying, it’s refreshing you know? It’s not the usual ‘Grr’ that’s all.

SOOKIE

Through no fault of yours? I’m sorry, but you’re the one that’s so...I don’t know.

MICHEL

Oh I think you do otherwise you wouldn’t have started saying it.

SOOKIE

Just yourself - caustic.

MICHEL

You mean obnoxious.

SOOKIE

You’re words not mine.

MICHEL

Go to hell [leaves]

LORELAI

Oh no, I’m just saying it’s refreshing to see you two just - oh yeah.

SOOKIE

You - get in here and tell me the happenings at home.

LORELAI

I’m assuming you mean ‘did we get our toaster fixed’ and no, it’s been cold pop-tarts for a week, it’s like a damn Dicken’s novel.

SOOKIE

I’m not talking about the toaster, I’m talking about the man.

LORELAI

Ah.

SOOKIE

So what’s it like having him around the house all the time?

LORELAI

Well it’s, um, a little weird. We have fewer clean towels than usual.

SOOKIE

Come on give me something. Tell me how you feel, I’m dying here.

LORELAI

Honestly, I’ve been trying to figure out how this makes me feel since he asked me to take off my shirt the other day.

SOOKIE

Excuse me?

LORELAI

No, it was a - kind of a ‘hello’ kind of thing.

SOOKIE

Wow. He’s smooth.

LORELAI

Yeah. I mean I have not seen this man since last Christmas right. We hear from him maybe once a week - maybe. And then all of a sudden he’s here in my town and Rory’s running around all excited and he’s sleeping on the couch and I’m thinking ‘should I be mad, should I send him to a hotel’ but then he smiles and it’s...Christopher.

SOOKIE

Here. [handing her a biscotti]

LORELAI

I mean not matter how many years go by, no matter how long I don’t see him for, whenever I do, it’s always...Christopher. What do I do with this? [holding up biscotti]

SOOKIE

Dunk. Go on.

LORELAI

[sighs] This man knows all my secrets. All of my bad girl moments happened with him - my worst fashion choices, my big hair days, the wearing of the Bonnie-Bell lipsmackers around my neck - it was all with Christopher.

SOOKIE

So do you think you two will -

LORELAI

No.

SOOKIE

Oh well that’s convincing.

LORELAI

I don’t know I - he wants to be involved with Rory. He wants to spend more time with her, be a pal.

SOOKIE

It’s about time.

LORELAI

Yeah that’s good.

SOOKIE

Yes.

LORELAI

Yeah - if it’s true.

SOOKIE

And if it’s not?

LORELAI

Then it’s [sighs] Christopher.

RORY

This is the town flower shop. Um, over there is a good pizza place. That’s the stationary store and that’s Al’s Pancake world.

CHRISTOPHER

Good pancakes?

RORY

Oh he doesn’t serve pancakes.

CHRISTOPHER

Ok.

RORY

He switched to international cuisine a couple of years ago, and dropped the pancakes. He would’ve changed the name but he had already printed like a million napkins with the original name so he just kept it.

CHRISTOPHER

What kind of international cuisine?

RORY

He kind of hops around. Last month it was his salute to Paraguay.

CHRISTOPHER

Anyone salute back?

RORY

Not really.

MISS PATTY

Rory! Honey! How are you sweetie?

RORY

Great. Miss Patty, this is my dad, Christopher.

MISS PATTY

Your dad.

CHRISTOPHER

Nice to meet you.

MISS PATTY

You’re Rory’s father, well, well, well. You know Christopher, we’re all like Rory’s parents around here and I’m one of her mothers. And since you’re her father, well that would make us...a couple. [laughing] A couple of what I don’t know.

RORY

Ok, well we’ve got to be going.

MISS PATTY

Yes well, come back and see me.

CHRISTOPHER

I will.

MISS PATTY

[laughing] Bye. [As Rory and Chris cross the street she takes out her cell phone and dials]

TAYLOR

Well you must be Rory’s father.

CHRISTOPHER

Uh, yes I am.

TAYLOR

Taylor Doose, grocer to Stars Hollow.

CHRISTOPHER

Very nice to meet you. [they keep walking. To Rory] News travels fast around here.

RORY

Yes it does. [behind them you see Taylor dialing.]

CHRISTOPHER

Bookstore. Good. Come on.[they enter. Jackson and Andrew are there]

JACKSON

Hey, hey Christopher! Jackson Melville.

CHRISTOPHER

Hello.

JACKSON

Boy I gotta tell you, did they get your description wrong.

CHRISTOPHER

Really?

JACKSON

Oh yeah, much more George Clooney than Brad Pitt. Hey Andrew.

ANDREW

Yup.

JACKSON

Don’t you think he’s much more George Clooney than Brad Pitt?

ANDREW

I’m going with the Billy Crudup comparison myself.

JACKSON

Really?

ANDREW

Oh yeah.

JACKSON

I don’t see it. Well maybe from the side. Hey do you mind?

CHRISTOPHER

What? Uh, no, not at all.

JACKSON

Well there’s a little Crudup in there. Huh, well it’s nice to meet you, whoever you look like.

CHRISTOPHER

Nice to meet you. [tugs at Rory as they go down an aisle] Ok, I’m kidnapping you and getting you out of here.

RORY

They all mean well.

CHRISTOPHER

Yeah, I’m sure all lunatics have the best intentions. Ok, so I hear you like books.

RORY

Why yes I do.

CHRISTOPHER

Well I would like you to pick something out and let my buy it for you.

RORY

Dad you don’t have to buy me anything.

CHRISTOPHER

Come on, what’s the book of your dreams right now?

RORY

Well that would definitely be the Compact Oxford English Dictionary, but dad -

CHRISTOPHER

Excuse me - one Compact Oxford English Dictionary please.

ANDREW

Ok.

RORY

Dad no, it costs a fortune.

CHRISTOPHER

You need something to remember this visit by.

ANDREW

[bringing a very large and heavy book] Here you go.

CHRISTOPHER

Holy mother. This is the monolith from 2001.

RORY

It has every word ever recorded in the English language plus origins and earliest usage.

CHRISTOPHER

You sure you wouldn’t rather have a car, they weigh about the same. Here you go. [handing over a credit card]

RORY

This is so nice of you.

CHRISTOPHER

Yeah, well I’ve got a lot of things to make up for.

RORY

No you don’t.

CHRISTOPHER

Yes I do.

ANDREW

[whispering] Uh, I’m sorry Christopher, your credit card has been rejected.

CHRISTOPHER

Rejected? What are you talking about?

ANDREW

I could run it through again if you’d like.

RORY

Yes.

CHRISTOPHER

Uh, no. He doesn’t need to run it throug hagain.

RORY

Oh, ok.

CHRISTOPHER

Could you maybe hold that for us? I’ll come back tomorrow with another card.

ANDREW

Sure Chris, no problem.

CHRISTOPHER

Thanks. Come on. [they leave the bookstore. Outside] Now you’ll really remember me.

RORY

I didn’t want it that much anyways.

CHRISTOPHER

Hey, listen, don’t tell your mom about this ok?

RORY

Ok.

JACKSON

[standing with his back to them talking to a group of people] Yes it is her real dad. He seems very nice. Kind of a folky, poppy, urban, scruffy look to him. And obviously there’s some money mixed in there because he’s got that you know, money nose. And - [someone clears their throat. Jackson turns around and see Rory and Chris standing there. He touches his touque and runs off. ]

LUKE

So Rory was at the game today.

LORELAI

Oh yeah.

LUKE

Yeah she was with some guy.

LORELAI

Dean.

LUKE

No, I know that punk. Some older guy.

LORELAI

Oh, that would’ve been her dad.

LUKE

Really? So that’s uh...

LORELAI

The guy who impregnated me with Rory - yes.

LUKE

Oh, well, he did a good job.

LORELAI

Impregnating me with Rory?

LUKE

Now this has taken a very weird turn.

LORELAI

Yeah.

RORY

Hi.

LORELAI

Oh hi, where were you? [as she kisses Rory]

CHRISTOPHER

Well we saw Al’s Paraguayan pancake house, we were stalked by several towns people and apparently I look like Billy Crudup.

LORELAI

You do not.

CHRISTOPHER

Take it up with Jackson. [phone rings]

LORELAI

Ah, ah, ah, ah,. Hey, hey, hey, hey. [points to the no cell phone sign]

CHRISTOPHER

Hello? Emily!

LORELAI

Emily?

CHRISTOPHER

[whispers] It’s your mother.

RORY

Hi Grandma!

CHRISTOPHER

Uh-huh [pause] Well actually I’m sitting here with your girls. [pause] Sure. [to Lorelai, handing her the phone] She wants to speak to you.

LORELAI

Mm. Hi mom.

GRANDMA

Lorelai, Christopher’s in town!

LORELAI

[gasps] What?! I didn’t know! Although coincidently I’m sitting across an amazing Christopher hologram.

GRANDMA

Well I had this wonderful idea. Christopher’s parents are in town too. You remember Straub and Francine don’t you?

LORELAI

Ah yes - the Schnickelfritzes.

GRANDMA

The who?

LORELAI

The Hayden’s.

GRANDMA

Well I called them up and invited them to dinner. They said they are free to join us all on Friday night.

LORELAI

Join us all?

GRANDMA

Yes. You, Rory, Christopher, your father.

LORELAI

That’s quite a gathering mom.

GRANDMA

Well I should say so. We haven’t all been together since the two of you were children. And Straub and Francine haven’t seen Rory since she was a baby.

LORELAI

Yeah I know but -

GRANDMA

It’ll be like a wonderful reunion - all of us together again. I never thought it would happen.

LORELAI

Yeah, me either.

LORELAI

[sighs] I’ve gotta see my parents.

CHRISTOPHER

[sighs] I’ve gotta see my parents.

RORY

Ladies and gentlemen, the drama king and queen of Connecticut.

LORELAI

Hello? Anybody home?

GRANDMA

Oh my God! You’re here. Christopher, look at you!

CHRISTOPHER

Emily, as always perfect.

GRANDMA

I am so glad to see you, I didn’t hear the doorbell.

LORELAI

We didn’t ring the doorbell.

GRANDMA

You let yourselves in?

LORELAI

It’s ok mom, look, not a rapist among us.

RORY

Hi Grandma.

GRANDMA

You usually knock.

LORELAI

Not since you gave us a key.

GRANDMA

That is for emergencies.

LORELAI

Well mom, I’m starving to death. Is that enough of an emergency for you?

GRANDMA

Well, Richard’s in the living room, come on in. He’s dying to see you.

LORELAI

[whispers to Chris] It’s a setup giving me that key. It’s a key, it meant to be used, it’s my parents house. Shut up.

CHRISTOPHER

Sorry.

GRANDPA

Well here they are.

RORY

Hi Grandpa.

GRANDPA

Hello Rory. Lorelai. Christopher old boy how are you? My gosh it’s good to see you!

CHRISTOPHER

How are you Richard?

GRANDPA

Well I’m better than most, not as good as some.

CHRISTOPHER

And annoyed with all.

GRANDPA

Aha! You speak the truth young man! I have made martini’s. So Christopher, tell me about your business.

GRANDMA

Oh Richard, let the poor boy relax.

GRANDPA

Well I simply want to find out how it’s going.

CHRISTOPHER

It’s uh - it’s going great Richard. I’m almost afraid to jinx it by telling you good it’s going.

GRANDPA

Oh, that is wonderful. I always knew you had it in you. You have a splash of greatness as my mother would say. You’ve always had that splash of greatness.

LORELAI

Mm. I’d like another splash of greatness if you don’t mind.[getting another martini]

GRANDMA

Oh Richard. Isn’t Rory the spitting image of Christopher?

GRANDPA

I just hope you inherit your father’s business sense also my dear.

GRANDMA

I know one thing for sure- you certainly have your father’s musical talent.

LORELAI

Oh, wait just a minute.

GRANDMA

What?

LORELAI

Mom, neither of these two have any musical talent.

CHRISTOPHER

Hey, I play guitar.

LORELAI

You know the opening lick to ‘Smoke on the Water’.

CHRISTOPHER

And I’ve since mastered the opening like to ‘Jumping Jack Flash’.

GRANDPA

I’m a...Chuck Berry man myself. [Lorelai laughs almost spitting out her drink] Something wrong?

LORELAI

I would never have guessed that that last sentence would ever come out of your mouth.

GRANDPA

And why not?

LORELAI

Chuck Berry?

GRANDPA

Yes, Chuck Berry. He was all the rage when I was in school.

LORELAI

So we’re talking pre-‘My-ding-aling’?

GRANDPA

I believe I am.

GRANDMA

Do you remember when you two were what - ten and you put on that adorable show for us.

LORELAI

What show mom?

CHRISTOPHER

Lucy, Schroeder, you laying on the coffee table.

LORELAI

You pretending it was a piano. God, why is that remembered?

GRANDMA

Because it was such a wonderful production.

LORELAI

I don’t know if it was a production mom. It was just one song.

CHRISTOPHER

‘Suppertime’.

GRANDMA

Did you write that? That was really very good.

LORELAI

Dad, that’s from ‘You’re a good man Charlie Brown’ It’s a famous musical.

GRANDPA

Well I thought Christopher might have written it, he’s a very talented man.

GRANDMA

That would be Straub and Francine. [leaves to answer the door]

LORELAI

[whispers to Rory] Ha, ha your turn.

GRANDPA

I haven’t seen your parents in quite a number of years. We were practically inseparable for a while. [leaves]

CHRISTOPHER

I remember that.

RORY

This is weird. These are my other grandparents. I don’t even know them. What do I call them?

CHRISTOPHER

Call’em what I call’em - ass-

LORELAI

Chris...

CHRISTOPHER

Sorry, my tie’s too tight.

LORELAI

Just, uh, call them Straub and Francine. Call them Mr and Mrs Hayden. Sir and Ma’am? Why don’t you just avoid calling them anything.

GRANDPA

Look who’s herre.

CHRISTOPHER

Hello mother, pop.

STRAUB

Christopher.

FRANCINE

Christopher, hello.

LORELAI

Mr and Mrs Hayden, long time no see.

FRANCINE

Lorelai. You look well.

LORELAI

I am thanks. You remember Rory. You haven’t seen her in quite a while.

STRAUB

No we haven’t.

FRANCINE

I think she was just beginning to speak in complete sentences.

LORELAI

So not for two years then. [Hayden’s look at her] She’s obviously been talking a long time so I was making a humorous comment sometimes referred to as a ‘joke’.

STRAUB

I see you haven’t changed Lorelai.

LORELAI

No, not at all.

FRANCINE

Rory, hello.

RORY

Hi. [she curtsy’s]

LORELAI

[whispers] Did you just curtsy?

RORY

[whispers] Shut up.

LORELAI

[whispers] Sorry, milady.

GRANDPA

Uh, Straub, Francine, how about a martini?

STRAUB

Please.

GRANDPA

Well Straub, how is retirement treating you?

GRANDMA

Yes do tell us about the Bahamas.

STRAUB

You can get an entire island there for the cost of a decent house here.

GRANDPA

Really?

STRAUB

How about you Richard, any thoughts of retirement crossing your mind?

GRANDMA

Oh Straub, if only you could talk him into it. I’ve given up.

GRANDPA

We’re very pleased about Christopher’s business success out in California.

STRAUB

Yes, it’s taken a while but it seems to be finally coming together. Seems to be.

FRANCINE

Christopher your tie, please.

RORY

[clears her throat]Straub and Fran - [clears her throat] Mr. and Mrs. um...are you enjoying your time here, um...you...two?

CHRISTOPHER

[to Lorelai] That she got from you.

STRAUB

How old are you young lady?

RORY

16.

STRAUB

Dangerous age for girls [Lorelai looks at him]

FRANCINE

Straub.

GRANDMA

Rory is a very special child - excellent student, very bright.

GRANDPA

You should have a talk with her Straub, she could give you a run for your money.

STRAUB

Is that so?

GRANDMA

That’s right.

STRAUB

Well I think my money’s safe.

LORELAI

I hate president Bush.

STRAUB

What?

GRANDMA

Lorelai...

CHRISTOPHER

Oh boy.

LORELAI

He’s stupid and his face is too tiny for his head and I just want to toss him out.

STRAUB

That is the leader of our country young lady.

GRANDPA

Ignore her.

FRANCINE

His face is too tiny for his head, what kind of thing is that to say?

STRAUB

I see your daughter is just as out of control as ever.

CHRISTOPHER

Pop please. Let’s try and keep it civil.

STRAUB

Tell me Lorelai, what have you been doing with your life anyway, besides hating successful businessmen. I’m just curious.

GRANDMA

Why don’t we all go into the dining room?

LORELAI

Well uh, Straub, I run an inn near Stars Hollow.

STRAUB

Really?

LORELAI

Yes really.

CHRISTOPHER

Dad come on.

STRAUB

Nice to see you found your calling.

GRANDMA

Dinner is ready.

FRANCINE

Christopher your tie.

CHRISTOPHER

Mom please.

STRAUB

And is your life everything you hoped it would be?

LORELAI

Yes it is.

STRAUB

Because it seems to me you might not want to take such a haughty tone when you announce to the world that you work in a hotel.

LORELAI

Well there’s nothing wrong with where I work.

FRANCINE

Straub please. I’m getting a headache.

GRANDMA

Come on Richard, lead us into the dining room, now.

STRAUB

If you had attended a university as your parents had planned and as we planned in vain for Christopher, you might have aspired to something more than a blue collared position.

CHRISTOPHER

Don’t do this.

STRAUB

And I wouldn’t give a damn about you derailing your life if you hadn’t swept my son along with you.

LORELAI

[to Rory] Honey go into the next room. Go, go.

GRANDPA

I’m going to have to echo Christopher’s call for civility here. A mutual mistake was make many years ago by these two, but they have come a long way since.

STRAUB

A mutual mistake Richard? This whole evening is ridiculous. We’re supposed to sit here like one big happy family and pretend that the damage that was done is over, gone? I don’t care about how good a student you say that girl is...

LORELAI

Hey!

STRAUB

Our son was bound for Princeton. Every Hayden male attended Princeton including myself, but it all stopped with Christopher. It’s a humiliation we’ve had to live with every day, all because you seduced him into ruining his life. She had that baby and ended his future.

GRANDPA

[grabbing Straub’s arm] You recant that Straub!

STRAUB

You’re spilling my drink.

GRANDPA

You owe my daughter an apology.

STRAUB

An apology, that’s rich.

GRANDPA

How dare you?! [grabbing Straub] How dare you?!

GRANDMA

Richard what are you doing?

GRANDPA

How dare you come into my house and insult my daughter!

STRAUB

Let go of me!

CHRISTOPHER

Whoa, whoa, what is going on here? [putting himself between them]

GRANDPA

Shame on you Straub, shame on you for opening all this up again.

STRAUB

Get your purse Francine.

GRANDPA

My daughter is very successful at what she does.

STRAUB

We’re leaving.

GRANDPA

You’re not leaving. I’m kicking you out. [All four leave the room. Lorelai and Christopher and standing in the middle]

CHRISTOPHER

And you brought up Bush because?

LORELAI

It seemed like a good idea at the time. Wow.

CHRISTOPHER

Yeah.

LORELAI

I feel...16.

LORELAI

Dad? Dad...can I get you something to eat?

GRANDPA

I’m not hungry.

LORELAI

Ok. Well look, thank you.

GRANDPA

Thank me? For what? [Lorelai turns back.]

LORELAI

Well for what you did in there. I’m...I’m just unbelievably touched and grateful for what you said to him, for defending me like that. I know it was hard for you because, well...but thank you. [starts to leave]

GRANDPA

Why do you think I did it? [Lorelai turns back.]

LORELAI

What?

GRANDPA

Why do you think I did it?

LORELAI

I don’t know. Um, out of protectiveness I guess.

GRANDPA

You don’t need to be protected Lorelai. You’ve made it very clear that you can look after yourself and that you need nothing from anyone.

LORELAI

Mm. That’s not...

GRANDPA

A member of my family was being attacked. The very Gilmore name was being attacked. I will not stand for that not under any circumstances.

LORELAI

Ok, well it doesn’t really matter why you did it.

GRANDPA

Yes it does matter why I did it! It matters greatly! Lorelai what are you going to take away from this? That everything that happened in the past is suddenly fine because I defended you?

LORELAI

No.

GRANDMA

That the hell that you put your mother and I through for the past 16 years is suddenly washed away? Well it’s not.

LORELAI

We’ve all been through hell dad.

GRANDPA

I had to tell my friends, my colleagues, that my only daughter, the brightest in her class, was pregnant and was leaving school.

LORELAI

That must have been devastating.

GRANDPA

And then you run away and treat us like lepers. Your mother couldn’t get out of bed for a month. Did you know that? Did you?

LORELAI

No.

GRANDPA

We did nothing to deserve that. Nothing to earn that!

LORELAI

I get it. I’m horrible. So why don’t you disown me and adopt Christopher, you love him.

GRANDPA

Don’t be a martyr Lorelai. And don’t be naïve. Do you think I love the boy who got my daughter pregnant? I wanted to kill him! I would have too with my bare hands. But there’s a proper procedure to be followed in a situation like this.

LORELAI

Marriage.

GRANDPA

Christopher was willing to follow the procedure we laid out, you weren’t.

LORELAI

What about what I wanted Dad? Didn’t that matter to you at all?

GRANDPA

Sometimes one has to sacrifice something in order to do what is right.

LORELAI

I feel indescribably sad for you right now, dad.

GRANDPA

Well save your emotions Lorelai. I’ve had my fill of them tonight.

LORELAI

So, um, we just end it here. Nothing...resolved?

GRANDPA

I’m tired.

LORELAI

Ok. Ok [leaves]

GRANDMA

There you are. I was wondering where you went.

RORY

I’m sorry.

GRANDMA

No, it’s nothing to be sorry about. Can I get you something?

RORY

[holding up a pop can] I’m fine.

GRANDMA

Oh that’s hardly dinner. Well that was quite a bit of excitement tonight.

RORY

Oh yeah.

GRANDMA

Not the good kind.

RORY

Nope.

GRANDMA

None of this means anything Rory.

RORY

Oh I know.

GRANDMA

Straub is actually a good man. Very smart. He was one of the top lawyers in his field - a very arcane aspect of International law. And he’s always been so active in his community. His charity work has never diminished over the years. Oh let’s face it - he’s a big ass. [Rory laughs] Rory, I know you heard a lot of talk about various disappointments this evening and I know you’ve heard a lot of talk about it in the past. But I want to make this very clear - you, young lady, your person and your existence have never ever been - not even for a second - included in that list. Do you understand me?

RORY

Yeah, I do.

GRANDMA

Good now eat up. [hands her a plate of leftovers]

CHRISTOPHER

You look great [coming out onto the balcony.]

LORELAI

Yeah, well, I look the way I feel wiseguy.

CHRISTOPHER

That was...that was a memorable evening.

LORELAI

Oh yes, it was beautiful in there. We should commemorate it with an oil painting or a severed head or something.

CHRISTOPHER

Next time we get this group together we’re gonna have to frisk for weapons.

LORELAI

Hand out gags.

CHRISTOPHER

Employ six individual cones of silence [Lorelai laughs] Boy the old balcony is still the same isn’t it?

LORELAI

In all it’s beautiful away-from-them-ness.

CHRISTOPHER

Perfect hide-out - totally private. We spent a lot of time out here.

LORELAI

Sneaking dad’s telescope, scanning the sky for alien ships.

CHRISTOPHER

Never found any.

LORELAI

Huh. And then when we were older, scanning the neighbors houses for naked people.

CHRISTOPHER

[laughing] Found a couple of those.

LORELAI

[laughing] Mrs. Dominski undulating in her big fat underalls is forever carved into my brain.

CHRISTOPHER

[laughing] And in mine. [takes out a tequila bottle] here’s to Mrs. Dominski’s underalls.

LORELAI

Aw, you’re holding out on me.

CHRISTOPHER

[takes a drink] Take it. And in an effort to further chronicle this balcony’s history, we are now in the immediate vicinity of the spot upon which was Rory’s initial eminations.

LORELAI

Yes we are. Here’s to Rory. [takes a drink]

CHRISTOPHER

The bright spot in all the darkness.

LORELAI

And now.

CHRISTOPHER

You know even if you hadn’t gotten pregnant and everything had gone as planned, I still never would have make it through Princeton.

LORELAI

Oh I don’t believe that.

CHRISTOPHER

Yeah, well that’s why you’re you and I’m not.

LORELAI

Wow. Wow, wow, wow.

CHRISTOPHER

You wigged?

LORELAI

Yeah, yeah I’m a little wigged.

CHRISTOPHER

Why?

LORELAI

Why? Are you kidding me? Chris this is the next to last thing I thought would ever happen tonight. The last thing being a holy saint guy riding down on a flaming chariot from heaven to announce Armageddon.

CHRISTOPHER

And Hartford is the place he chooses to make his announcement? I don’t think so.

LORELAI

Christopher.

CHRISTOPHER

Ok, yes, it was unexpected but it was great.

LORELAI

Oh God! Oh I can’t believe this.

CHRISTOPHER

Ok fine. You know what? We should go.

LORELAI

Yeah we should go like 30 minutes ago.

CHRISTOPHER

[sighs] I’m sorry.

LORELAI

Oh don’t apologize. It was the both of us. [they leave] God my parents have got to seal these windows up I swear to God.

RORY

So where were you guys?

LORELAI

Nowhere.

RORY

Where’s nowhere?

CHRISTOPHER

Where we were.

LORELAI

Mm-hmm.

RORY

Ah.

CHRISTOPHER

Night you.

RORY

Good night dad. [he gives her a kiss]

CHRISTOPHER

Good night Lor.

LORELAI

Good night, yeah, uh, have a really, really good night. [he heads for the couch]

RORY

You got some dirt or some schmuts on your -

LORELAI

Hmm?

RORY

Where did you -

LORELAI

I don’t - it’s been a long night so um, there’s just been a lot of schmutsing going on.

RORY

Ok.

LORELAI

Come on [directing her to the kitchen] We haven’t really had a chance to talk.

RORY

About the schmutsing?

LORELAI

[sighs] No, about all the warm and fuzzy family moments that went on tonight. Are you ok?

RORY

Yeah.

LORELAI

You know all those crazy people saying those horrible things were directing them at me not you.

RORY

They were directing them to you because you had me.

LORELAI

No, they were directing them at me because I screwed up their big ‘Citizen Kane’ plans. That’s all.

RORY

They don’t even want to know me do they?

LORELAI

That is not true. They are just so full of anger and stupid pride that stands in the way of them realizing how much they want to know you.

RORY

Yeah.

LORELAI

Their loss and it’s a pretty big one.

RORY

I’m going to bed now.

LORELAI

Hey. No regrets - from me or your dad.

RORY

Yeah?

LORELAI

Oh, I mean no regrets about you. There’s a misspelled tattoo incident that I’m sure he’d like to erase from his bio - but you that’s a no brainer.

RORY

Where does dad have a misspelled tattoo?

LORELAI

Ah, ah, another story for another time, possibly before your first trip to Mazatlan. Good night babe.

RORY

Good night mom.

LORELAI

[walks by a mirror and looks at herself] Ugh.

LORELAI

[gasps] Oh no! Aah!

LORELAI

I feel horrible.

LUKE

Don’t.

LORELAI

I stood you up and I didn’t even call.

LUKE

It’s ok.

LORELAI

I’m a rat. We had a date and I stood you up.

LUKE

It wasn’t a date, it was just a paint.

LORELAI

I’m a rat, I need cheese.

LUKE

Forget it.

LORELAI

Hey, hey, let’s reschedule.

LUKE

You know, I really didn’t even want to do it in the first place.

LORELAI

No, no come on, don’t change your mind. We could do it tonight or - or right now.

LUKE

Was it an emergency?

LORELAI

Yes. You would not believe what happened. I slipped and I busted my - it wasn’t an emergency. It was just me being a rat.

LUKE

Something came up?

LORELAI

Yeah.

LUKE

Something...someone.

LORELAI

Luke.

LUKE

Am I right?

LORELAI

I’m sorry.

LUKE

Yeah, ok. Well I’m late.

LORELAI

Oh.

CHRISTOPHER

Where were you?

LORELAI

Fruitlessly trying to rectify a ratty transgression.

CHRISTOPHER

Oh. You want some coffee?

LORELAI

No.

CHRISTOPHER

What?

LORELAI

What?

CHRISTOPHER

Well I know you well enough to know that when you say no to coffee, especially in the morning, all is not right in Whoville.

LORELAI

Very astute.

CHRISTOPHER

So...last night.

LORELAI

Ah, last night was Chernobyl and the Hindenburg combined.

CHRISTOPHER

Right, just checking.

LORELAI

My father almost hit someone. My father has probably only hit another man in college wearing boxing gloves and one of those Fred Mertz golden gloves pullover sweaters.

CHRISTOPHER

Fred Mertz?

LORELAI

‘I Love Lucy’ - Fred Mertz.

CHRISTOPHER

Landlord to Ricki, husband to Ethel, I know. It’s just a weird reference.

LORELAI

Hello, pajamas.

CHRISTOPHER

Right. Continue.

LORELAI

My father had a meltdown, first with your father...

CHRISTOPHER

He was asking for it.

LORELAI

...and then with me. And then you and me - oh boy.

CHRISTOPHER

Don’t say it like that.

LORELAI

Stupid. Dumb.

CHRISTOPHER

Much better.

LORELAI

And to top off the whole fabulous fiasco, I stood up a friend of mine, who was counting on me and, and he just stood there looking hurt with the paint and the chairs and it hurt me. And it’s not your fault but in this parade of stupid and dumb, I am the one twirling the flaming baton.

CHRISTOPHER

Lor?

LORELAI

What?

CHRISTOPHER

I want to marry you.

LORELAI

And the hits just keep on coming.

CHRISTOPHER

Just think about it. Think about it before you make a rash -

LORELAI

You are out of your mind. You are completely insane. You have flipped your lid. Charlie Manson is freaked out by you right now!

CHRISTOPHER

Come on, we’re already a family.

LORELAI

Who? Who is a family?!

CHRISTOPHER

Us! You, me and Rory!

LORELAI

You don’t even know what a family is.

CHRISTOPHER

It’s people living together.

LORELAI

No. It’s a big commitment, it’s responsibility, it’s hard work. It’s coming home at the same time to the same place every day.

CHRISTOPHER

Ok, so what do you want, financial statements? I can be a family man, I’m responsible.

LORELAI

Honey, you can’t even buy a book without having your credit card declined.

CHRISTOPHER

Oh man, I told Rory not to rat me out. I can’t believe she did that.

LORELAI

She didn’t. Andrew from the bookstore called and Jackson and the UPS guy and ooh it was the lead story on the Stars Hollow web page. And then I asked Rory and she very reluctantly confirmed it. ‘Rat me out’ what are you - 16?

CHRISTOPHER

I’m sorry.

LORELAI

And what are you doing telling my daughter to lie to me anyway?

CHRISTOPHER

She’s my daughter too.

LORELAI

More like your playmate.

CHRISTOPHER

You know I don’t deserve that, I’m as mature as you.

LORELAI

What? The offspring is your favorite band.

CHRISTOPHER

So? You’re into Metallica.

LORELAI

Well Metallica is way more substantial than The Offspring.

CHRISTOPHER

Here we go, it’s the same Black Sabbath riff all over again.

LORELAI

Oh! The Offspring have like one chord compression. They use it over and over. They just popped on new words and called it a single and I don’t want to talk about this anymore!

CHRISTOPHER

Look, I’m the immature one, I’m the irresponsible one, I’m was the one who was willing to get married when you got pregnant.

LORELAI

We were too young, we wouldn’t have made it, you know that.

CHRISTOPHER

Well we’re not too young now.

LORELAI

Ok. Now I need some coffee.

CHRISTOPHER

What about last night. What did our having sex mean to you?

LORELAI

[sighs] It meant that Jose Cuervo still has amazing magical powers.

CHRISTOPHER

You’re funny.

LORELAI

We can’t get married Christopher. We don’t know each other as adults.

CHRISTOPHER

So let’s get married and get to know each other as adults.

LORELAI

Well, that’s very Fiddler on the Roof of you.

CHRISTOPHER

Ok, fine. Let’s get to know each other right now. What do you want to know?

LORELAI

How is your business really doing? [Christopher sighs]

CHRISTOPHER

Lorelai.

LORELAI

I knew it.

CHRISTOPHER

Look, I was going to tell you if it didn’t pick up soon. I swear.

LORELAI

And you just sat there last night, just smiling and nodding while my dad and your dad went on and on about Christopher and his great big business success in California.

CHRISTOPHER

Yeah, I didn’t want to upset anybody. I wanted last night to be nice.

LORELAI

Oh well it was.

CHRISTOPHER

Oh and it would have been much better if I had announced at the table ‘Hey on top of everything else you’re upset about, I just wanted to add that I’m the biggest loser in the world’. Would that have been festive?

LORELAI

You’re not a loser.

CHRISTOPHER

Please.

LORELAI

You’re a liar but not a loser.

CHRISTOPHER

Thank you.

LORELAI

You’re welcome.

CHRISTOPHER

Come on ,we’re arguing like an old married couple. Doesn’t that show potential?

LORELAI

Oh Christopher, I swear to God...

CHRISTOPHER

I’ve been looking for the one Lor, that elusive soul mate - I really have, I just believe it’s you, it’s always been you.

LORELAI

Chris come on.

CHRISTOPHER

Rory might be my only child.

LORELAI

That’s not true. If Tony Randall can crank one out in his seventies you have decades left to spawn.

CHRISTOPHER

No. I don’t know how much I miss Rory until I see her like this. It’s...it’s easier staying away.

LORELAI

No. Don’t stay away. Don’t. Rory needs her dad.

CHRISTOPHER

Or her pal right?

LORELAI

I think she’d take a combo.

RORY

So call us when you get home.

CHRISTOPHER

I will.

RORY

And call more.

CHRISTOPHER

I will. [they hug] See ya. [ he whispers something in her ear]

RORY

[to Lorelai] Dad wants to know if you’ll reconsider.

RORY

She says ‘Nope. Offspring sucks and Metallica rules.’

CHRISTOPHER

Fair enough. [He kisses and hugs Lorelai]

LORELAI

Drive safe. [He leaves]

RORY

He wanted you to marry him didn’t he?

LORELAI

Spy.

RORY

You know crazier things have happened.

LORELAI

You mean crazier than having your mom and dad married?

RORY

Yes.

LORELAI

I don’t think they have.

RORY

What? Why is that so crazy?

LORELAI

Because it is. Because he wants things he is not ready for.

RORY

How do you know?

LORELAI

I know. I know him so well. You have no idea.

RORY

Maybe he can change.

LORELAI

Rory.

RORY

Maybe it’s different. He did come here this time, he’s never done that before.

LORELAI

Hey, stop.

RORY

Why?

LORELAI

Because I don’t want you to get yourself all worked up over this.

RORY

He loves you.

LORELAI

He does love me.

RORY

Do you love him?

LORELAI

Honey come on.

RORY

Answer me.

LORELAI

Honestly?

RORY

Yes.

LORELAI

I will probably always love him.

RORY

Ok so?

LORELAI

But that doesn’t change the fact that he still has a long way to go before he is ready to take us on full time. I mean you are a handful missy. And while I am pure joy and sunshine every waking hour, I still have my own set of needs that - that must be met. It just wasn’t right babe. You have to trust me on that. Mm? Talk please.

RORY

I still think there was a little something different.

LORELAI

Maybe you’re right.

RORY

Really?

LORELAI

It would be nice.

RORY

Yeah it would

LORELAI

I’ll tell you what, uh, let’s not put all the blankets away just yet.

RORY

Really?

LORELAI

You never know.

LUKE

What the -

LORELAI

Taa-daa!

LUKE

How’d you get in here?

LORELAI

You’re bread guy let me in.

LUKE

I’m switching bread guys.

LORELAI

What do you think?

LUKE

I think you shouldn’t break and enter.

LORELAI

So what do you think?

LUKE

Well I gotta admit - it looks pretty good.

LORELAI

Oh, I knew you’d like it.

LUKE

Thanks.

LORELAI

Anytime. It’s fun.

LUKE

So, uh, where’s the guy?

LORELAI

Oh he’s gone.

LUKE

Oh, too bad.

LORELAI

We’ll be fine. Luke?

LUKE

Yeah?

LORELAI

Um, can I make one more suggestion?

LUKE

No.

LORELAI

Curtains?

LUKE

No.

LORELAI

Manly curtains.

LUKE

Oxymoron.

LORELAI

What did you call me?

LUKE

No curtains.

LORELAI

Aw come on. You gotta give a little. How about a tablecloth?

LUKE

No. We don’t do table cloths here.