T1E14: “That Damn Donna Reed”

DEAN

Hello?

LORELAI

Do you come bearing pizza?

DEAN

I'm not an idiot.

LORELAI

Then get in here.

RORY

Hey.

DEAN

Hey.

LORELAI

Sit -- you're missing it.

DEAN

What are we watching?

LORELAI

The incomparable "Donna Reed Show."

RORY

What's in there?

DEAN

A salad.

RORY

Salad?

DEAN

Yeah, it's a quaint dish sometimes used to precede large quantities of pizza.

DEAN

It's for me.

RORY

Clearly.

DEAN

So, who's Donna Reed.

RORY

What?

LORELAI

You don't know who Donna Reed is? The quintissential 50s mom with the perfect 50s family?

RORY

Never without a smile and high heels?

DEAN

So it's a show?

RORY

It's a lifestyle.

LORELAI

It's a religion.

RORY

My favorite episode --

LORELAI

Mm, mm...tell me, tell me.

RORY

-- is when their son, Jeff, comes home from school and nothing happens.

LORELAI

Oh that's a good one. One of my favorites is when Mary, the daughter, gets a part-time job and nothing happens.

RORY

Another classic.

DEAN

So what's this one about?

LORELAI

This one is actually quite filled with intrigue. The husband, Alex, comes home late for dinner and he didn't call.

RORY

Might as well kick the dog too.

LORELAI

Oh, oh, look, she's making doughnuts.

DONNA REED

...behind in the sugar department.

JEFF

I guess I was thinking of something else, Mom.

LORELAI

"Not that my sugary attitude wouldn't make anyone an instant diabetic."

RORY

Mother-daughter window washing. We should try that.

LORELAI

Yeah, right after mother-daughter shock treatments. "You know, Daughter, there's nothing more satisfying thatn washing windows -- oh no!"

RORY

"What? Did I miss a spot?"

LORELAI

"No, I just had an impure thought about your father, Alex. Funny -- I don't know why I had it. It isn't the second Saturday of the month."

RORY

(in a deeper voice) "Hey, I heard you had an impure thought."

LORELAI

"I must now sublimate all my impure thoughts by going into the kitchen and making an endless string of perfect casseroles."

DEAN

You're not even listening to the dialogue.

RORY

Ours is better.

DEAN

I don't know -- it all seems kind of nice to me.

RORY

What does?

DEAN

Well, you know, families hanging together. I mean, a wife cooking dinner for her husband. And look -- she seems really happy.

LORELAI

She's medicated.

RORY

And acting from a script.

LORELAI

Written by a man.

RORY

Well said, Sister Suffragette.

DEAN

What if she likes making doughnuts and dinner for her family and keeping things nice for them and --

DEAN

OK, I feel very unpopular right now.

DONNA REED

You, know, dear, the first ten years we were married, I was upset when you came home late for dinner.

ALEX

And you're not anymore?

DONNA REED

Nope. You are no longer late for dinner. You're just extremely early for breakfast.

DEAN

Hey, I'm not saying a word.

RORY

Can brains hurt?

LORELAI

Yes, it's hypochondria hour.

RORY

No, I'm serious. Last night when I was reading my biology chapters I distinctly heard a ping in the vicinity of my brain.

LORELAI

Your brain pinged?

RORY

Yeah. It just went like "dink."

LORELAI

Well then, honey, your brain dinked. It didn't ping.

RORY

Well I don't think a dinking brain is any less worrisome than a pinging brain.

LORELAI

Well, you got me there.

RORY

So should I go to a tumor doctor?

LORELAI

No, you don't have a tumor. You're reading too much. You're probably just losing your eyesight.

RORY

Thank you.

LORELAI

You're welcome.

LORELAI

Hi, can you take a little constructive criticism?

LUKE

No.

LORELAI

OK. This place could use a makeover.

LUKE

Hmm.

LORELAI

Yeah. It just needs a sprucing up. Like a coat of paint.

LUKE

I don't spruce.

LORELAI

What do you mean you don't spruce?

TAYLOR

What he means is he won't spruce, that's what he means.

LUKE

Taylor, do not start.

TAYLOR

Me and the rest of the town beautification committee have been hounding him for years to freshen up the place -- maybe a couple of nice zinnia pots out front, some yellow awnings, a peppy little cardboard pig announcing the specials -- but he's a mule. He won't talk, he won't reason, he won't spruce. You might as well forget it, Lorelai. I'm forgetting it too.

LUKE

Finally a Taylor Doose position I can get behind.

TAYLOR

Faded paint is a bad reflection on the whole town.

LUKE

Whatever happened to giving up?

TAYLOR

When standards slip, families flee and in comes the seedy crowd. You got trouble, my friends.

LORELAI

Right here in River City!

TAYLOR

This is not funny, Lorelai.

LUKE

Does anyone want anything?

LORELAI

Uh, yes, I do. I want to know why you won't paint this place.

LUKE

Painting's a pain. I'd have to close the place for a day -- which I can't afford -- or paint it in the middle of the night -- which I don't want to do because I hate painting.

LORELAI

OK, how about this? I'll help you. I love to paint.

LUKE

You do?

LORELAI

Yes, I do.

LUKE

You love it?

LORELAI

I want to marry it.

LUKE

You have strange passions.

RORY

She likes washing dishes too. She's mult-faceted abnormal.

LORELAI

Ah, come on. We'll drink a couple beers, we'll sing painting songs.

LUKE

Painting songs.

LORELAI

Yeah, painting songs. Like, uh, you know, the song that goes, um...(singing) "Grab your brush and grab your rollers/All you kids and all you...bowlers/We're going paintin' today!" Say yes or there's another verse.

LUKE

Well I guess maybe...if I had help.

TAYLOR

Really? Oh my God! That's wonderful! Hurrah!

LUKE

Taylor, it's not for you. It's for me.

TAYLOR

I can't wait to tell the rest of the committee. They're not going to believe this.

LUKE

I hate that he's pleased.

LORELAI

Ah, you'll drop a gum wrapper on the street in front of his store later.

LUKE

Yeah, good idea.

LORELAI

Mmm. Kick-ass wine.

EMILY

How poetic.

LORELAI

It's got a nice smell: earthy, vibrant. I can taste the Italians' feet.

RICHARD

It's a Bordeaux. It's French.

LORELAI

Ah. What's an Italian foot doing in a French wine?

RORY

So when do you guys leave for Martha's Vineyard?

RICHARD

Ah, we're not going to Martha's Vineyard this year.

RORY

Really? Why not?

RICHARD

Our usual rental wasn't available when we inquired -- late.

EMILY

We should have just bought a place years ago like I wanted.

RICHARD

It wouldn't have been prudent.

EMILY

Now we have no place to go next week.

RORY

Well you could always go somewhere else, couldn't you?

RICHARD

We always go to the Vineyard at this time of year.

LORELAI

Well, you know, you could break the chain, Dad. Go to Paris.

RORY

Yes, Paris!

LORELAI

Impressionism, poodles.

RORY

Creme broule.

LORELAI

Oh, that's great!

RICHARD

Impossible!

LORELAI

Porquoi? (to Rory) French.

EMILY

We only go to Europe in the fall.

LORELAI

You know, Mom, I heard a rumor Europe's still there in the spring.

RORY

I heard that too.

EMILY

We know that it's there in the spring but we never go in the spring because we always go in the fall.

LORELAI

It's getting a little too Lewis Carroll for me.

RICHARD

Well what is so interesting about Europe in the spring?

LORELAI

Spring vegetables.

EMILY

You want us to go to Europe to eat a vegetable?

LORELAI

No, Mom. I don't know. There's all kinds of stuff. There's festivals and, you know, Europe.

EMILY

In the fall.

RICHARD

It costs a fortune to travel first class in Europe. We only do it every two years.

EMILY

In the fall.

RICHARD

It's just not in the budget this year.

LORELAI

You don't have to fly first class.

LORELAI

'Cause there's always coach.

LORELAI

Or business class is slightly less. There's deals on the internet. (no answer) Hmm. Pass the potatoes.

RORY

You got it.

RORY

Catherine the Great - 1729 to '96. Empress of Russia - 1762 to '96.

LORELAI

OK, hold still please.

RORY

Originally named Sophie Friedricke Augustine von Anhalt-Zerbst.

LORELAI

But everybody called her "Kitten."

RORY

Married to Grand Duke Peter of Holstein in 1754.

LORELAI

OK, Rory, seriously.

RORY

The marriage was an unhappy one.

LORELAI

Well there were way too many names.

LORELAI

Ow! Lady with notecards just look at lady with needle and just try to focus for one second so that I can sew the button on your sweater and not on my thumb.

RORY

I'm sorry.

RORY

I'll get it!

LORELAI

Oh, you're four years old.

BABETTE

Oh, hiya, baby doll.

RORY

Hi, Babette.

LORELAI

Hey! Do you want some coffee?

BABETTE

Oh, no thanks. I just came over to ask a great big favor.

LORELAI

Ask away.

BABETTE

Well, see, Morey just got a call to play a gig at the Village Vanguard tonight so we got to go to New York.

LORELAI

Oh wow! Cream?

BABETTE

And sugar. Thanks. Anyway, yesterday Morey and I finally broke down and we got ourselves a new little baby, you know?

LORELAI

Oh, honey, you got a kitten! Good for you.

RORY

What's its name?

BABETTE

Apricot. He's just the cutest thing. But he's so teeny. There's no way he can go with us and I would hate for him to stay all alone in the house so I was thinking maybe Rory could come over and house-sit for the evening.

RORY

I'd love to.

BABETTE

Oh great! We've got a kitchen full of food and Morey just got cable so you can watch those four girls talking dirty if you want to.

RORY

Sounds good.

BABETTE

You're an angel. Both of you -- angels. You have a key, right?

LORELAI

We got it covered.

BABETTE

Oh great. All right. I'll leave ya the number where we're staying. Have a good time. We'll be back tomorrow morning. I love you crazy girls.

LORELAI

Bye!

BABETTE

Bye!

LORELAI

Wow. I can't believe how fast you jumped at the chance to spend a night away from me.

RORY

You're crazy. I'm doing her a favor.

LORELAI

Mm-hm, mm-hm. Sure you are.

RORY

Mom!

LORELAI

No, no, that's OK. Don't you worry about me. I'll be just fine.

RORY

I'd like to debate you on that last subject but I'm late for the bus.

LORELAI

You know, this is only like the second night we've ever spent apart. Doesn't that make you sad?

RORY

Yeah, but I'll get over it.

LORELAI

Uh-huh. Well, Paul and Linda McCartney only spent eleven nights apart their entire relationship. Did you know that?

RORY

I did not know that.

LORELAI

Well they were truly devoted to each other. Just the being apart was too painful to even talk about.

RORY

I understand.

LORELAI

I don't think that Linda would have even considered cat-sitting without Paul.

RORY

You know, Mom, when I go off to college, I'm gonna be gone every night. What will you do then?

LORELAI

Well, I will go with you. I will sleep on the floor in your dorm, next to your bed.

RORY

Well at least you've got a plan.

LORELAI

Yes. Um, perhaps you'd like to take a picture of me with you tonight, you know, just in case you get lonely, you can talk to it.

RORY

Bye.

DEAN

Carry your bird, Miss?

RORY

Hi! I didn't expect to see you here.

DEAN

Just wanted to say hello.

RORY

Hello.

DEAN

Hello.

RORY

Hello.

DEAN

So...who's your friend?

RORY

Homework.

DEAN

Really?

RORY

We will be cohabitating for the next month so I can examine its every move. Jealous?

DEAN

I'll get over it.

RORY

So -- hey -- I'm house-sitting tonight for Babette and I was thinking maybe if the right offer came along I might be up to some company.

DEAN

Well I'm offering.

RORY

I'm accepting.

DEAN

Good.

RORY

You want to get some coffee?

DEAN

I can't. I have to get to work.

RORY

I thought you go to work at five.

DEAN

No, four on Thursdays. For some reason Thursday is always really busy. Lots of oppressed housewives shopping for their husbands' dinners.

RORY

Wow.

DEAN

What?

RORY

That was a little pointed.

DEAN

What are you talking about?

RORY

That crack about the housewives shopping for their husbands' dinners.

DEAN

Come on -- it was a joke.

RORY

Yeah, well, it was a pretty weird joke to hear coming out of your mouth.

DEAN

You are so sensitive about the whole Donna Reed thing.

RORY

I'm not sensitive about it. I just find it ridiculous.

DEAN

Why?

RORY

What do you mean why?

DEAN

Well, so she cooked a lot.

RORY

A lot? She made homemade doughnuts, chocolate cake, a lamp chop-mashed potato dinner, and enough stew to feed Cambodia all in one episode.

DEAN

So what?

RORY

You really like that concept, don't you?

DEAN

No, I -- well, yeah, sort of.

RORY

Oh my God.

DEAN

I mean, it's a little over the top but the general idea of a wife cooking dinner for her husband and family, that's nice. Why is that not nice?

RORY

It's not just that. It's the having to have the dinner on the table as soon as the husband gets home and having to look perfect to do housework and the whole concept that her one point in life is to serve somebody else.

DEAN

Fine, yes, but maybe there are two points of view here.

RORY

I don't think so.

DEAN

Well you just feel that way becasue your mother feels that way.

RORY

Oh -- what -- so I have no opinions of my own?

DEAN

I didn't mean that.

RORY

Well if I have no opinions of my own then I guess I'd be just the kind of girl you like.

DEAN

Rory, my mom used to make dinner for my dad every day before she started working. And now she even does it on the weekends. So what does that say about her?

RORY

It says that she has a choice and Donna Reed didn't.

DEAN

You do realize that Donna Reed wasn't real, don't you?

RORY

Yes, I know she wasn't real, but she represented millions of women that were real and did have to dress like that and act like that.

DEAN

Please tell me how we got into an argument about The Donna Reed Show.

RORY

I don't know.

DEAN

OK, look, I got to go to work.

RORY

Dean.

DEAN

What?

RORY

Bird?

DEAN

Oh.

RORY

Hey.

LORELAI

Hey, good. I was just about to leave.

RORY

Where are you going?

LORELAI

To Luke's. We're picking out paint colors tonight so it's going to be hours of "yes," "no," "yes," "no," "yes," "no," until my world-famous perseverence wears him down and he winds up in a ball on the floor crying like a girl. Wanna come watch?

RORY

I'm house-sitting tonight, remember?

LORELAI

Yeah, but you have to eat. Come have a quick burger.

RORY

No thanks.

LORELAI

Oh! What is that?

RORY

It's for school.

LORELAI

Oh, he's so cute! What's his name?

RORY

Case Study Number Twelve.

LORELAI

Is it hyphenated? Honey, he's adorable. He should have a name.

RORY

I'm not bonding with my midterm, thank you.

LORELAI

Alright, I'll name him. (to chick) Hi! Your name is Stanley. Hi, Stanley.

RORY

It's a girl.

LORELAI

Oh. (to chick) Sorry about the Stanley thing. Your name is Stella. (to Rory) Stella's nice and Stella was married to Stanley.

RORY

Call it whatever you want.

LORELAI

You're grumpy. What happened?

RORY

Nothing, just a long day.

LORELAI

You know what the remedy for a long day is? A ringside seat while Luke envisions strangling me with his baseball cap.

RORY

I'm gonna leave the chick here for the night so the kitten doesn't get any fancy ideas.

LORELAI

OK.

RORY

She's already been fed and if she gets too loud just put her in my room. I'll call you later.

LORELAI

OK. Hey...are you OK?

RORY

Yeah. Just a bad afternoon. I'll fix it.

LORELAI

OK. Call me if you need a wrench or something.

RORY

I will.

LORELAI

(to chick) Stella.

LORELAI

Now, this is another way to go. Sort of a French bistro kind of look.

LUKE

This isn't a French bistro

LORELAI

Really? Huh. It's amazing the things you learn when you bother to listen.

LUKE

Which you usually don't.

LORELAI

Yes, but then I don't have a lot of useless information intruding in my brain.

LUKE

Thank God.

LORELAI

Now, if you wanted to do more warm, golden Tuscan countryside --

LUKE

Then I'd go to Italy. (to customer) Here, I'll wrap this up.

LORELAI

We could also go with a pastely English country garden theme. Oh, maybe we could add a little stenciling on the ceiling.

LUKE

No stencling!

LORELAI

Excuse me -- do you even know what stenciling is?

LUKE

Does Martha Stewart do it?

LORELAI

Yes.

LUKE

(firmly) No stenciling.

TAYLOR

Ask him.

KIRK

I will.

TAYLOR

Well, go on.

KIRK

Don't push. Hello, Luke.

LUKE

What do you want, Kirk?

KIRK

Taylor here tells me that you're thinking of painting this place.

LORELAI

That's right, he is.

TAYLOR

Ha!

KIRK

Excuse me, I'd like to hear it from him. Luke, is--is it true?

LUKE

Yes, Kirk, it is true.

KIRK

Really?

LUKE

Yes.

KIRK

And that's your final decision?

LUKE

I'm afraid it is.

KIRK

Because it's not too late to --

TAYLOR

You heard him! He's painting this place. Pay up.

TAYLOR

Thank you.

LUKE

Sorry, man.

KIRK

It's a little too late for that, don't you think?

TAYLOR

Ooh, I like this.

LORELAI

OK, I get it.

RORY

Hold on. There you go. Meow if you need anything else.

RORY

Hi, is Dean in? This is Rory. (pause) Oh. Well, will you tell him I called? (pause) OK, thanks.

LORELAI

You ready to talk paint?

LUKE

No.

LORELAI

Good. I've got all the choices set up and while any one of them would work, I think this combo is currently my favorite.

LUKE

Huh.

LORELAI

See? Imagine. This will be for the walls and this will be for the trim -- the, like, edging around the doors and the windows.

LUKE

I know what the trim is.

LORELAI

OK. The colors are actually quite similar to what you have here now, but they're just a little richer, a little warmer. What do you think?

LUKE

Well.

LORELAI

Wait, wait, wait.

LORELAI

A little ambiance.

LUKE

This is a diner. We don't do ambiance.

LORELAI

All right. One argument at a time. So what do you think?

LUKE

Honestly?

LORELAI

Yep.

LUKE

I have no idea. You like it?

LORELAI

Yeah.

LUKE

OK.

LORELAI

Good.

LUKE

What are you doing?

ANDREW

Oh -- um, the town council wanted to do a before and after poster.

LUKE

Out!

ANDREW

Bye.

LUKE

That's it. We're closed for the night.

LORELAI

You know, listen -- since you have to take everything off the walls to decide what stuff you're going to keep and what stuff you're to get rid of.

LUKE

Everything stays.

LORELAI

OK, there's a plastic dancing pork chop that says --

LUKE

Everything stays.

LORELAI

"I lost my head over a good chop. You should too."

LUKE

Everything stays.

LORELAI

Ok. Everything stays.

LUKE

You know, this place hasn't been painted since my dad was alive.

LORELAI

No, I didn't know that.

LUKE

He painted it before he opened it and once more when the roof caved in one winter. I think that's probably it.

LORELAI

The paint lasted a long time. He got his money's worth.

LUKE

Yep. He really loved this place, you know. This store was his life. Mine too, I guess. I spent every minute I wasn't in school here. I spent a lot of minutes I was supposed to be in school in here too.

LORELAI

How come you opened a diner? Why didn't you keep it a hardware store?

LUKE

I don't know. I didn't love the hardware business the way my dad did, and, you know, I knew how to cook, so I just thought a diner would be more...fun.

LORELAI

(laughing) That's a hard word for you to say.

LUKE

(laughs) Yeah. I just always wanted to work here. Just where Dad did.

LORELAI

God that's nice. To be so -- I don't know -- connected to your dad. That's -- I would have loved that.

LUKE

Well you've got that with Rory.

LORELAI

Yeah...I guess so.

LUKE

You know, I still think there's a spot on the wall somewhere where my dad took an order one day when he ran out of paper.

LORELAI

Really? Where?

LUKE

I don't know. Behind the counter maybe.

LUKE

Next to the door. On the right side.

LORELAI

Oh. Huh. Here it is: "Three hammers, Phillips-head screwdrivers --"

LUKE

"and three boxes of nails in assorted sizes."

LORELAI

Oh.

LUKE

I've seen it from time to time.

LUKE

Yeah, well, I guess it is time for a little spruce.

LORELAI

Yeah, it is. But let's not spruce this particular spot.

LUKE

That sounds good.

LORELAI

OK.

LUKE

Oh, jeez --

LORELAI

No, no, don't get up.

LUKE

But if I don't get up --

LORELAI

They'll go away. They'll go away, trust me. Shh.

TAYLOR

What are they doing? They should be in there. Just imagine it all in pastels. The whole thing.

LUKE

Thank you.

LORELAI

You're welcome: (whispers) I should go.

LUKE

OK.

LORELAI

Ah, so. It's going to be great.

LUKE

Oh, I'm sure it is.

LORELAI

See ya.

LUKE

See ya.

RORY

Lane?

LANE

Yo.

RORY

Hey how's it going?

LANE

Very well. I have discovered that in addition to my lameness in geometry I also will not become a biologist, French translator, or Civil War buff.

RORY

Well I guess that just leaves bass player for the Foo Fighters.

LANE

I also wouldn't rule out keyboardist in the Siouxsie and the Banshees reunion tour.

RORY

I like that you keep an open mind.

LANE

So what's up?

RORY

I need to borrow a CD.

LANE

Which one?

RORY

The weird one.

LANE

I need more information.

RORY

I don't know which one it is but I'd know it if I saw it.

LANE

OK, well let's have a look.

LANE

We have classic rock, progressive rock, pretty boy rock --

RORY

Excuse me?

LANE

Bon Jovi, Duran Duran, The Wallflowers, Bush.

RORY

Got it. Next?

LANE

Punk, New Wave, German metal bands. Broadway soundtracks.

RORY

Interesting filing systerm.

LANE

Anything yet?

RORY

Nope, sorry.

LANE

OK, well over there we have jazz, jazz vocals, classical, country, rockabilly, Sinatra -- The Capitol Years. Oh wait! The miscellaneous section.

RORY

Hey, that sounds right. William Shatner. Is this the one where he sings Tambourine Man?

LANE

And Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds.

RORY

Remind me to get this for my mom for her birthday. Oh wait. Hey, that's it. Can I?

LANE

Take it.

RORY

Thanks.

LANE

So what are you doing?

RORY

Um, I'm not completely sure yet.

LANE

OK. Well I want details.

LORELAI

(yelling) Stella!

LORELAI

Oh, no. No, no. OK. Stella, do something. Show yourself. Molt or chirp or something. Oh this is so not funny. Not funny, not funny. Oh this is so unbelivable. All day long, just chirps like a maniac at the top of her lungs. Now, nothing. Silence. Marcel Marceau chicken. OK, that's OK. I can fix this. We can fix this.

LORELAI

I'm going to make this better. I'm going to fix --

LORELAI

Hello?

LUKE

Yeah.

LORELAI

Luke? Stella got out and I don't know -- do I put seed on the floor? Do I make cheeping sounds? Or do I pull a Lucy Ricardo and walk like a chicken so she thinks I'm her mother?

LUKE

Who the hell is this?

LORELAI

What do you mean who is this? It's Lorelai. Who else would call you looking for her baby chick?

LUKE

You're right. I'm the idiot. Go on.

LORELAI

Could you come over here, please, and help me?

LUKE

Uh, yeah, OK. I'll be right over.

LORELAI

OK, hurry!

LORELAI

Thank God. Get in here.

LUKE

This place is a disaster. What's going on?

LORELAI

OK, the last sighting was here, by the InStyle magazine. But then she burrowed through the Glamour and jumped over the Cosmo and knocked over a brand new bottle of nail polish so all I can tell you is if there was any doubt that this chick was a girl, well, there isn't anymore.

LORELAI

OK, there she is!

LUKE

Jeez -- what was that?

LORELAI

Stella! Stella!

LUKE

You really do have a chick loose in here.

LORELAI

Yeah, I told you I had a chick loose in here. There she goes by the kitchen!

LORELAI

Don't step on her!

LUKE

She cut right in front of me.

LORELAI

OK, well she's being graded so let's not squash her.

LUKE

Well then tell her to watch where she's going.

RORY

Hello?

DEAN

Um, I wasn't sure if you still wanted me to come over.

RORY

Oh, I do. I do, I absolutely do.

DEAN

Are you sure?

RORY

Yeah, I'm totally and completely -- You're teasing me.

DEAN

Yeah, a little. But I did appreciate the enthusiasm.

RORY

So how long until you get here?

DEAN

Actually, not long at all.

RORY

Why where are you?

DEAN

Right outside.

DEAN

Uh, what the --

RORY

Honey, you're home.

RORY

Well, say something.

DEAN

Trick or treat?

RORY

What? You don't like it?

DEAN

No, I do. It's -- uh -- it's got a large circumference.

RORY

Thank you. Now come on in. It's cold outside.

DEAN

Oh my God.

RORY

Here, let me take your coat.

DEAN

Uh, thank you.

RORY

You're welcome.

DEAN

Interesting music.

RORY

I'm glad you like it.

DEAN

So what's that?

RORY

Oh, just some appetizers before dinner.

DEAN

Before dinner?

RORY

Yeah.

DEAN

Are we going out?

RORY

No.

DEAN

Ordering pizza?

RORY

Nope.

DEAN

So...?

RORY

I made you dinner.

DEAN

Excuse me?

RORY

Steak, green beans, mashed potatoes --

DEAN

Wait, you made me dinner?

RORY

That's right.

DEAN

You made me dinner.

RORY

And dessert.

DEAN

OK, what is going on here?

RORY

I'm sorry, I thought it was obvious. It's Donna Reed night.

LORELAI

I swear, she went over there.

LUKE

We looked over there.

LORELAI

Well, she went under that chair and she didn't come out.

LUKE

We moved the chair, we searched the floor, nothing.

LORELAI

Well then she went under the chair and through a hole in the floor.

LUKE

There is no hole in the floor.

LORELAI

Well maybe there was a hole in the floor and she crawled through it and fixed it.

LUKE

So she's s super intelligent chick with great physical and deductive skills?

LORELAI

Yes.

LUKE

Oh, this is not a chick I want to find.

LORELAI

Hey, Luke, what did you mean earlier?

LUKE

What are you talking about?

LORELAI

When you got here. You made some comment about me not really having a chick in the house.

LUKE

Hmm.

LORELAI

I mean, if I didn't have a chick here, why did you think I was calling?

LUKE

No, I thought you were calling about the chick.

LORELAI

It didn't seem like it.

LUKE

Well maybe it didn't seem like it but it was.

LORELAI

Was what?

LUKE

Was what I thought -- can we just keep looking?

LORELAI

OK. I just still think that --

LUKE

There she is.

LORELAI

Where?

LUKE

There!

LORELAI

Careful.

RORY

Well?

DEAN

What can I say?

RORY

You can say it's perfect.

DEAN

It's perfect.

RORY

Thank you. How is it really?

DEAN

It's perfect.

RORY

Yeah?

DEAN

It's amazing. I mean, I've never had anyone make dinner for me before. Except my mom, and, believe me, it's not the same.

RORY

I'm extremely glad to hear that.

RORY

Wait, wait, you want to save room for dessert, right?

DEAN

Oh, that's right. So...what's for dessert?

RORY

Lime Fantasy Supreme.

DEAN

Which is?

RORY

Green Jell-o and Cool Whip!

DEAN

You are insane.

RORY

Oh, no, I forgot to make the rolls.

DEAN

What?

RORY

I was going to make rolls.

DEAN

Well that's OK.

RORY

I can't belive I forgot them.

DEAN

What are you doing?

RORY

I'll make 'em now.

DEAN

Hold on, it's -- come on, we really don't need rolls.

RORY

Donna Reed would have never forgotten the rolls. They're gonna make me turn in my pearls.

DEAN

I promise I'll kick anyone's butt who comes near those pearls.

DEAN

Rory?

RORY

Yes?

DEAN

As amazing as this whole thing was, I mean, the music, the outfit, the dinner, I hope you know that I don't expect you to be Donna Reed. And I don't want you to be Donna Reed. That's not what I meant. This just totally got blown out of proportion. I'm actually pretty happy with you.

RORY

I know and I appreciate that, but aside from this actually being fun, I did a little research on Donna Reed.

DEAN

You did research on Donna Reed.

RORY

Look. See, she did do the whole milk and cookies wholesome big skirt thing, but aside from that, she was an uncredited producer and director on her television show, which made her one of the first women television executives. Which is actually pretty impressive.

DEAN

Well I'm glad this turned out to be such a positive experience for you.

RORY

It has been. And even though I'll probably never get the feeling back in my left little toe, I'd do it again.

DEAN

Yeah?

RORY

Someday. But for now I'd better get these dishes cleaned up.

DEAN

Oh, well, I'll help.

RORY

Sorry, you're a man. You can't help for another fifteen years.

DEAN

OK, well, then, as the man I will do what the man is supposed to do.

RORY

Go bowling?

DEAN

Take out the trash.

LORELAI

She's never going anywhere ever again. I'm thinking of slipping some super glue on the bottom of the cage. That would be bad, right? I mean, I know staples are bad but what's the verdict on super glue?

LUKE

Ask Stella.

LORELAI

Oh, you don't have to do that.

LUKE

This stuff is sharp. I want to get it out of the way.

LORELAI

Well, thanks for helping.

LUKE

No problem. I'm going to throw this stuff outside.

DEAN

Hey.

LUKE

Hey.

DEAN

What are you doing here?

LUKE

What are you doing here?

DEAN

You first.

LUKE

I'm looking for a chick.

DEAN

Yeah, me too.

LUKE

You are not.

DEAN

Well, neither are you.

LORELAI

Hey, Luke, is there -- Dean.

DEAN

Uh, Lorelai, hi.

LORELAI

Fancy meeting you here.

LUKE

Yeah.

DEAN

Well, uh --

RORY

Hey, the Jell-o is doing this weird melting thing and I -- oh, Mom, Luke.

LUKE

Rory.

RORY

Hi.

LORELAI

Uh, what the hell are you two doing?

DEAN

Nothing. She, uh -- well we ate dinner. You know, steak and beans --

RORY

Canned.

LORELAI

Canned.

RORY

Not fresh.

DEAN

No.

LORELAI

No.

DEAN

And potatoes.

RORY

From a box.

DEAN

But they were still good.

RORY

Thank you.

DEAN

You're welcome.

RORY

So what were you guys doing?

LORELAI

Oh. Uh -- In the house...

LUKE

And then the lamp sorta -- I'm gonna get going.

LORELAI

Yeah.

LUKE

I'm sorry about this.

LORELAI

Forget it.

LUKE

OK. Bye.

DEAN

Yeah, I probably better go too. Thanks for dinner.

RORY

You're welcome.

RORY

What?

LORELAI

Well, OK, you're 16. You have a whole house to yourself for the evening. I expect that you're going to have your boyfriend over. But what is with the apron?

RORY

It's a long story.

LORELAI

Did it involve a sharp blow to the head?

RORY

I gotta go check on Apricot.

LORELAI

Oh my God! I just saw the pearls.

RORY

I'm going in now.

LORELAI

You know what? I'm going inside too. 'Cause I have to write down all the ways I'm gonna torture you about that outfit.

RORY

Good night!

LORELAI

Could I just get a picture though? 'Cause visual aids would really help. Oh, oh! Oh the shoes! I am dying. Oh.

RORY

Mom! I can't find Apricot!

LORELAI

What? No!

RORY

She was on the couch when I came out, and now, nowhere.

LORELAI

That's it! We are not animal people! Period.

MICHEL

It was a tiny little favor.

SOOKIE

We have had this discussion before, Michel.

MICHEL

You are being unreasonable.

SOOKIE

I have my standards.

MICHEL

But this is a simple request.

SOOKIE

You are asking me to compromise my artistic and my culinary values.

LORELAI

Michel wanted an egg white omelette.

SOOKIE

Yes.

LORELAI

Crazy man.

MICHEL

Why? Why am I crazy man? I didn't have time for breakfast this morning, so very nicely I asked her to make me an egg white omelette cooked very dry with some tomatoes, mushroom, maybe a little chives, and she gives me this.

LORELAI

What is this?

SOOKIE

A three egg omelette with goat cheese cooked in a sherry olive oil.

MICHEL

I don't eat dairy or meat. You know this.

SOOKIE

I am a chef, Michel. It is my job to make food that tastes good.

LORELAI

(eating the omelette) And you do sister!

MICHEL

But I can't eat like that and look like her. (gestures to Lorelai)

LORELAI

You don't know what you're missing.

MICHEL

That will kill you.

LORELAI

You gotta go someday.

MICHEL

But someday all of this will catch up with you. You will become the balloon lady, and with any luck I will be here to enjoy it.

LORELAI

But you make a good egg white omelette.

SOOKIE

I know.

LORELAI

Ah. Who wants to hear about my night?

SOOKIE

Oh, me!

LORELAI

Well, it started with Rory's baby chick getting loose in the house and ended with Rory and I up at one in the morning looking for Morey and Babette's new kitten, who we found asleep in the piano.

SOOKIE

Wow, that's very Wild Kingdom of you.

LORELAI

Yeah. I'm like the Marlin Perkins of Stars Hollow.

SOOKIE

You want some coffe?

LORELAI

Please.

SOOKIE

So how's Rory's chick?

LORELAI

Uh, better than my lemon lamp.

SOOKIE

What's the matter with your lemon lamp?

LORELAI

Luke killed it.

SOOKIE

On purpose?

LORELAI

Well I can't prove it, but I will.

SOOKIE

What was Luke doing there?

LORELAI

Well I called him when I got home and Stella wasn't there.

SOOKIE

Stella is the chick?

LORELAI

Yes.

SOOKIE

I like that name.

LORELAI

'Streetcar Named Desire'.

SOOKIE

Vivian Leigh or Jessica Tandy?

LORELAI

Hello -- Tandy.

SOOKIE

Of course. Continue.

LORELAI

So I evaluated the situation in my usual calm, collected manner --

SOOKIE

Hmm.

LORELAI

And then I called Luke to help me track her down.

SOOKIE

That's when he broke the lamp?

LORELAI

Yeah, he's not very graceful. You know, he said the weirdest thing.

SOOKIE

'May I break your lamp?'

LORELAI

Well he got there and I was looking for Stella and he said, 'Oh, you really do have a baby chick loose in the house,' like I made that up, or -- I don't know.

SOOKIE

Well.

LORELAI

Well what?

SOOKIE

Well you call someone and you say, 'Can you come over and help me look for my loose chick?' It's a little...

LORELAI

A little what?

SOOKIE

It sounds a little like the code for, 'I'm not wearing any underwear.'

LORELAI

That's not the code for 'I'm not wearing any underwear.'

SOOKIE

OK.

LORELAI

Sookie, you're not serious?

SOOKIE

Look, the first time Jackson and I...you know.

LORELAI

Yeah.

SOOKIE

Yeah. I called him up and I told him I had a bat in my attic.

LORELAI

Well, honey, you do have a bat in your attic.

SOOKIE

So, he came over and went in the attic and he knew there was no bat and I knew there was no bat, but we pretended to look for it, and then when we couldn't find "the bat" we went downstairs and we had a bottle of wine..

LORELAI

So you're saying Luke thought I made up a crazy story about a chick being loose in the house just to get him in bed?

SOOKIE

Not just to get him in bed, but maybe he thought you wanted to see him and you didn't know how to say it.

LORELAI

That's nuts.

SOOKIE

A woman asking a man to come over late at night to her house. Come on.

LORELAI

Yeah. But this is Luke we're talking about.

SOOKIE

Uh-huh. Why did you call him?

LORELAI

Because I needed help.

SOOKIE

Yeah. Why didn't you call me?

LORELAI

Because I assumed you would be with Jackson.

SOOKIE

Uh-huh.

LORELAI

Well I did.

SOOKIE

Why didn't you call Rory?

LORELAI

Because she would have been furious to find out that Stella was missing.

SOOKIE

Why didn't you call Patty? She raises chickens.

LORELAI

Sookie.

SOOKIE

Or Andrew? He lives right around the corner, doesn't he?

LORELAI

What is your point?

SOOKIE

My point is that you called Luke. Out of all the people in town that you could have called that would have come over and dropped what they were doing, you called Luke.

LORELAI

Because I had just been with him. We were picking out paint samples. He was on my mind. It was purely a timing thing.

SOOKIE

Picking out samples.

LORELAI

Yes.

SOOKIE

For Luke's place.

LORELAI

Yes.

SOOKIE

So you could paint together.

LORELAI

Once again, yes!

SOOKIE

Mm-hmm. Which I believe was your idea.

LORELAI

OK, so now the fact that I suggested painting Luke's diner also means that I wanted to get him in bed. All of a sudden I'm trying to get any poor, unsuspecting person in bed with me. I'm like -- I'm Michael Douglas!

SOOKIE

Lorelai. This --

LORELAI

Just -- thanks for the omelette.

SOOKIE

No, honey, I'm sorry. I don't want you to be mad. Don't be mad at me.

LORELAI

I'm not mad, I'm not mad. I'm tired.

SOOKIE

OK. You know, Luke is a really nice man.

LORELAI

Bye, Sookie.

EMILY

Rory, Lorelai.

LORELAI

Hey, we thought maybe the doorbell wasn't working.

EMILY

Come in.

LORELAI

We were ringing it and ringing it and nobody -- I guess we'll just come in.

EMILY

And that would be the same as what we were paying for our old place?

JOHN

(on the phone)

Exactly the same.

RICHARD

Except for the grounds fees.

JOHN

Well the grounds fees are higher.

EMILY

But the grounds are larger, Richard.

RICHARD

I'm just trying to get all the information, Emily.

EMILY

All the information is that this is our last chance to go to Martha's Vineyard for the season. That's all the information.

JOHN

Emily, Richard.

RICHARD

I realize the position we are in, but this is a business transaction.

EMILY

Oh for heaven's sake.

JOHN

Richard, Emily

RICHARD

As a business transaction, one in which money goes out and we receive certain goods and services --

EMILY

And he's patronizing me, how lovely.

JOHN

Emily, Richard.

RICHARD

I must treat this conversation with the same care and devotion to detail I would any conversation that would be considered a business transaction. Kindly allow me to do so.

JOHN

Richard! Emily! Please!

EMILY

Goodness, you startled me.

JOHN

I'm sorry, I just wanted to say that I'm sure we could negotiate the grounds fee.

RICHARD

Well, that will be fine.

JOHN

Good. I'll get into this right now and I'll get back to you.

EMILY

Thank you, John.

RICHARD

Yes, we'll talk to you later.

JOHN

Bye.

EMILY

Careful, Richard. That canary you ate is going to spoil your dinner.

LORELAI

What's going on?

RICHARD

Oh, your mother and I have just secured a place on Martha's Vineyard.

RORY

Really, that's great!

LORELAI

I thought you lost your old place.

EMILY

We did. But this afternoon we found out that Arthur Roundtree had died.

RICHARD

He'd been drinking.

EMILY

So we got on the phone and snatched that place up.

RICHARD

Oh, it's a fine piece of property.

EMILY

Much better than our usual place.

LORELAI

The both of you are going directly to hell, I hope you know that.

RICHARD

Well, at least we'll be well rested.

LORELAI

Touche.

EMILY

I am so thrilled about this.

RICHARD

I'm glad.

EMILY

The two of you must come up for the weekend. It is so lovely. Rory would just love it.

RORY

Can we go for a weekend?

LORELAI

We'll see how much Valium Auntie Sookie can lend Mommy, OK?

EMILY

The only drawback of course, is that we had to rent the place furnished, and Arthur had dreadful taste. Remember the library, Richard?

RICHARD

Pink and green! Horrible. Just horrible.

LORELAI

Well he's dead now so he got his.

EMILY

Lorelai, you're being morbid.

LORELAI

I'm being morbid?

RORY

New subject please!

LORELAI

Joan and Melissa Rivers here think I'm being morbid.

EMILY

Rory, what's new in your life?

RORY

Nothing. Just school, homework.

LORELAI

Aprons.

RORY

Do not go there.

EMILY

What does she mean, aprons?

LORELAI

Nothing. I was just teasing her.

EMILY

About aprons?

LORELAI

Yeah.

EMILY

I don't understand

LORELAI

It's not important.

EMILY

Then humor me.

LORELAI

Nothing. Rory just dressed up in a cute apron the other day and so I was teasing her about it.

RICHARD

Why did you get dressed up in an apron?

LORELAI

(pause) Well. We've decided to give up on that pesky Harvard dream and focus on something more realistic. Mom, Dad, Rory's decided to become a maid, just like I was.

EMILY

Is that funny? Did she think that was funny?

RICHARD

What would have posessed you to say such a thing?

EMILY

And in front of Rory?

LORELAI

I was kidding.

EMILY

God. My heart stopped.

LORELAI

Why don't you tell them about your bird? That seems like a safe subject.

RICHARD

Your bird?

RORY

Yeah, it's for school. Each of us have to follow a chick through its entire growth process. Everything has to be logged. Eating habits, sleeping habits.

LORELAI

Houdini habits.

RORY

She got out.

LORELAI

She ran far.

RORY

But she lived.

LORELAI

She's a better bird for it.

RORY

Thank God Luke found her.

EMILY

Luke found her?

LORELAI

What?

EMILY

Rory said that Luke found her.

LORELAI

Paying me back for the apron thing?

RORY

Sorry.

EMILY

Did the bird get loose at Luke's diner?

LORELAI

No.

EMILY

No?

LORELAI

The bird got loose at home.

EMILY

Your home?

LORELAI

Yes.

EMILY

Ah.

RORY

So, Grandpa, when's your next trip?

RICHARD

Ah, Madrid, the twelfth.

RORY

Wow.

RICHARD

I think there's a nice addition of cervantes in it for you.

RORY

Gracias.

EMILY

What was Luke doing at your house?

LORELAI

Oh, look, there's no ice. I'll get some.

EMILY

I asked you a question.

LORELAI

He was helping me find the bird, Mom.

EMILY

Really?

LORELAI

Yes, really.

EMILY

And how did he know that the bird was missing? What, was he strolling by your house and he heard your plaintive cries for help?

LORELAI

Mom.

EMILY

Or the helpless cheep of a chick in trouble?

LORELAI

I called him, Mom. OK? I called him and asked him to come over and help me look for the bird. OK?

EMILY

It seems like this man is always around when you're in trouble.

LORELAI

He's a good friend.

EMILY

Oh, please.

LORELAI

Do we have to discuss this?

EMILY

Lorelai, I'm getting a little tired of being lied to.

LORELAI

Apparently we do.

EMILY

This man was at Rory's birthday party, he came to the hospital with you, he's the male lead in every story you tell, you go to the diner every single day. I've seen the way he looks at you, the way you look at him. I'm not a fool.

LORELAI

Mom, please.

EMILY

Why do you treat me like I don't have a clue in the world as to what is going on in your life? Now I'm asking you, as a favor, if you have any respect for me at all as your mother, just tell me. Do you have feelings for this man?

LORELAI

I don't know. Maybe I do. I haven't given it much thought. Maybe I do.

EMILY

Thank you. I'm glad you were finally honest with me. Now we can discuss what on earth you could possibly be thinking. Don't forget the ice.

LUKE

So, you're sure we need this many cans?

LORELAI

Oh, yeah, you need enough for two coats and touchups and little spots. No, I'm not sure.

LUKE

Well we got the paint and the brushes and the tarps and all the other stuff the paint guy said we'd need, so I guess we're ready.

LORELAI

Yes we are.

LUKE

The only thing left to do is figure out when.

LORELAI

How about Friday?

LUKE

Friday?

LORELAI

Yeah, I mean, you don't want the stuff sitting around. I don't know if paint goes bad, but judging by the smell of it when it's fresh, rotten paint would be really gross.

LUKE

Don't you have dinner with your folks on Friday?

LORELAI

Well, yeah, but I can get out early for a special occasion.

LUKE

Friday it is.

LORELAI

Good.

RORY

Hey.

LORELAI

Oh, hey, you!

RORY

Jeez -- you think you got enough paint?

LORELAI

I know, I tried to tell him. So, dinner, thoughts?

RORY

Let's have some.

LORELAI

How about Chinese?

RORY

Sounds good.

LORELAI

OK. I need to stop at the market and get some fruit.

RORY

Why?

LORELAI

I think I'm getting scurvy.

RORY

Really?

LORELAI

Yeah. Well that or a cold, but either way, I need some fruit.

TAYLOR

Damn motorcycles, they're a scourge.

RORY

Yeah.

LORELAI

Yeah.

TAYLOR

They're loud, they're dangerous. We should ban them from town.

LORELAI

Maybe we should set up barricades and ban all unwelcome strangers from crossing the border.

TAYLOR

Well! Well, no we couldn't do that, that would be illegal.

LORELAI

Darn laws.

TAYLOR

Oh, got to get away from that noise.

LORELAI

Kill me and bury me with that bike.

RORY

What is it? A Harley?

LORELAI

That is a 2000 Indian, 80 horsepower, 5 speed close ratio Andrews transmission and I want to get one.

RORY

No.

LORELAI

Why not?

RORY

You'd die.

LORELAI

Oh, that.

CHRISTOPHER

Hey.

LORELAI

Hi.

CHRISTOPHER

Nice shirt. Take it off.

LORELAI

Christopher.

RORY

Dad!

CHRISTOPHER

Hey!

RORY

This is great! What are you doing here?

CHRISTOPHER

I'm here to see you. And your mom, who's not saying anything about as loud as a person can.

LORELAI

Hello.

CHRISTOPHER

A word. Maybe there's a phrase in my future. OK, why is that man staring at me?

RORY

That's Taylor Doose. He owns the market. He knows all and sees all.

LORELAI

So, what's with the just showing up, Mr. Spontaneity Guy?

CHRISTOPHER

Well, my folks are back in Connecticut so I'm here to see them, and on the way I thought I'd stop by and surprise the Gilmore girls. Are you surprised?

LORELAI

Oh, the teeniest feather could knock me in the gutter.

CHRISTOPHER

So where would somebody find someplace to stay around here?

RORY

Stay, really? You're staying?

CHRISTOPHER

Thinking about it.

RORY

Stay with us!

LORELAI

Um, sweetie...

CHRISTOPHER

I don't think your mom --

LORELAI

No, it's not that, I'm still surprised.

RORY

Mom, please.

LORELAI

Why don't you stay with us for a couple of days?

CHRISTOPHER

Thanks, Lor. You won't even know I'm there. (to Rory) Hey, hop on.

LORELAI

Hop off.

CHRISTOPHER

Hop on.

LORELAI

Hop off.

CHRISTOPHER

Lorelai...

LORELAI

(sighs) Hop on.

LORELAI

Christopher.