T2E10: “The Bracebridge Dinner”

LORELAI

How do you like that mouth?

RORY

Um, it's not very mouthlike.

LORELAI

Oh, I think it works.

RORY

It's tilted to the side.

LORELAI

Yeah, no, it was intentional. It gives her a unique expression.

RORY

Like she had a stroke?

LORELAI

Fine, I'll just use the Mrs. Potato Head lips.

RORY

No, forget it, leave stroke-mouth. It's not like we're gonna win this anyway.

LORELAI

Whoa, bad attitude.

RORY

Mom, face it. That is the single most incredible snowman I have ever seen. [looks at a man working on an elaborate snow sculpture]

LORELAI

I'm sorry, that snowman is way over the top, way too showy. It's screaming 'I'm incredible, I'm special, look at me.'

RORY

Kind of the point of a snowman-building contest.

LORELAI

Hmm, I hate this man with every fiber of my being.

RORY

He looks nice.

LORELAI

He's a ringer.

RORY

How do you figure?

LORELAI

Someone recruited him, promised him a handsome sum, financed his theatrical snowman accoutrements, so he could snatch victory away from a deserving local in order to bag the contest prize for himself.

RORY

Seems a little elaborate considering that the prize is a set of new US quarters.

LORELAI

Oh, we're ignoring him now. So, what are we gonna do on your school break?

RORY

A lot of nothing.

LORELAI

Sounds good.

RORY

Plus some homework.

LORELAI

And a lot of movies.

RORY

Oh, we have to rent Godfather 3 on DVD.

LORELAI

You're kidding.

RORY

In the audio commentary, Coppola actually defends casting Sofia.

LORELAI

Now that is fatherly love. What's all this homework you have to do?

RORY

Just stuff for the paper.

LORELAI

What? Why?

RORY

Because Paris wants the first issue back to be a double issue, so we have to prep over break and she says the news never sleeps.

LORELAI

What about Paris, does she ever sleep?

RORY

I think she periodically makes a whirring noise and then just shuts down.

LORELAI

Well, you can't work the whole time.

RORY

I won't, I promise. Oh my God.

LORELAI

What?

RORY

He's power buffing.

LORELAI

Aw, now that is just wrong.

RORY

We're competing against the Michelangelo of snow.

LORELAI

And we're Ernest Builds a Snowman.

RORY

We shouldn't look at him anymore.

LORELAI

Heads down, stay focused.

RORY

We can do this.

LORELAI

Absolutely.

RORY

Let's get some coffee?

LORELAI

Right behind you.

MICHEL

[oh phone] Yes, you can rent a car in Manhattan and return it in Hartford. That's...that's no problem, sir. Yes. Yes, you can return it to Bradley International. That's...that's very convenient. Or you...you can...um, you - hold please. [puts phone down, walks over to Rune and grabs his arm]

RUNE

Ah!

MICHEL

Stop that.

RUNE

Stop what?

MICHEL

Stop jumping like a Mexican bean.

RUNE

Well, Lorelai asked me to dust the picture frames. How do you suggest that I clean the top, smartie? [Michel takes the picture off the wall] Well, I didn't know that you could do that.

MICHEL

Yes, I am miraculously talented, aren't I?

RUNE

I thought an alarm would go off like in The Thomas Crown Affair.

MICHEL

That would be if this was a museum, and you were a man allowed in museums.

LORELAI

Hey, no bickering in the lobby, guys.

RUNE

Where are we allowed to bicker?

SOOKIE

You've got all the mushrooms? You double checked?

JACKSON

I've triple checked. I've quadruple checked.

SOOKIE

The shitake, the nameko, the chanterelle?

JACKSON

Once again, I've got it all.

SOOKIE

The matsutake? The makeniya?

JACKSON

Uh wait.

SOOKIE

What?

JACKSON

I don't have makeniya.

SOOKIE

You don't have makeniya?

JACKSON

I don't have makeniya.

SOOKIE

I made it up. [giggles] You passed the test.

JACKSON

Don't test me.

LORELAI

Hey, the auditions are starting. You wanna come watch?

SOOKIE

Ooh, yes!

JACKSON

Auditions for what?

SOOKIE

Musicians.

LORELAI

For the Bracebridge Dinner.

JACKSON

Geez, you guys are going crazy with this dinner.

SOOKIE

Jackson, I told you, this dinner is not just about food. We are recreating an authentic 19th century meal.

LORELAI

The servers are all gonna be in period clothing, they're gonna speak period English. Here, look at the costumes.

JACKSON

Nice.

SOOKIE

We're talking seven courses here. Soup, fish, Peacock Pie, the Baron of Beef, the salad, then the Plum Pudding and the Wassail.

LORELAI

And there's gonna be a big raised platform where the Squire of Bracebridge is going to preside over the festivities.

SOOKIE

Yeah, he tastes the foods and makes pronouncements. He's like the host of the evening, and his costume is the coolest.

LORELAI

Ah.

JACKSON

It all sounds great.

SOOKIE

Oh, it is, it is. By the way, you're playing Squire Bracebridge. Ready?

LORELAI

Let's go.

SOOKIE

Yeah. [they leave]

JACKSON

Huh? What was that?

SOOKIE

What are we looking at today?

LORELAI

Okay, this is the last on our list. We've already got our trumpets, our madrigal singers...

JACKSON

Uh, sorry to interrupt but I'm not playing Squire Bracebridge.

LORELAI

We've got all our servers lined up. This is just for recorder players and harpists. Hi. Uh, lay some on us guys.

SOOKIE

Hey, you cats really know how to blow those things.

LORELAI

You've got the gig. I will call you later with the details. Thanks.

JACKSON

So are we clear on this? I'm not playing Squire Bracebridge. Sorry you were under the impression that I'd do this.

SOOKIE

When do the guests arrive?

LORELAI

Thursday at four - on their own jet.

SOOKIE

After buying out the whole inn.

LORELAI

Must be nice to have money.

SOOKIE

Uh! Hey, you know what struck me today?

JACKSON

Was it the fact that I'm not the Squire - did that strike you?

SOOKIE

We are crazy for doing this.

LORELAI

We're beyond crazy. We are 'Anne Heche speaking her secret language to God and looking for the spaceship in Fresno' crazy.

SOOKIE

Oh Quiness, nokka don atta.

LORELAI

Il ek notra doska donne.

JACKSON

And springing this on me at the last minute too, I mean, that's just manipulative.

CHEF

Sookie, fire! [leaves]

SOOKIE

I gotta get back in the kitchen. You'll handle the harp?

LORELAI

You got it.

JACKSON

All right, okay, I'll do it. I'll play Squire Bracebridge if that's what you want. Geez.

SOOKIE

Thanks Sweetie. [walks to kitchen]

JACKSON

As long as it's not just because I fit the costume. It's because I fit the costume, isn't it? [leaves]

LORELAI

[to harpist] Go ahead.

LORELAI

[answers phone] Hi, it's Lorelai.

CHRISTOPHER

Hey Lor, it's me.

LORELAI

Oh, hi Chris, how are you?

CHRISTOPHER

Good, good. You, uh, got a minute?

LORELAI

Uh oh.

CHRISTOPHER

It's not an uh oh, I just wanted to run an idea by you.

LORELAI

Run it.

CHRISTOPHER

Now it's totally your call and I don't want to step on any plans you've already made, but I know Rory has a break in school coming up, and I was wondering if you'd be cool with her coming to visit for a couple of days.

LORELAI

Uhh, a couple of days? You mean she'd stay the night?

CHRISTOPHER

Yeah, it's totally your call. Where are you, heaven?

LORELAI

Do you even have room for someone to stay?

CHRISTOPHER

Not just room - a room. A designated guest room. Sherry fixed it up really nice.

LORELAI

Aww, good for her.

CHRISTOPHER

So what do you think?

LORELAI

I don't know. It's awfully last minute.

CHRISTOPHER

It's totally last minute. You can say no and there'll be no hard feelings.

LORELAI

Well, it's really up to Rory to say yes or no.

CHRISTOPHER

So you're cool with it?

LORELAI

Yeah, sure, if Rory is, yeah.

CHRISTOPHER

Great, that's great. Uh, thank you. I'll let you run it past her and you can get back to me whenever. No pressure.

LORELAI

No pressure.

CHRISTOPHER

Talk to you later.

LORELAI

Yeah, talk to you later.

LORELAI

So what are your travel plans Dad?

RICHARD

Hmm?

LORELAI

You and mom, you always go out of town this time of year.

RORY

Last year it was the Bahamas.

RICHARD

Yes, that's right, it was.

LORELAI

I remember you had fun too. You said the Bahama...mians were real nice. The Bahamites? The Bahamamamamians?

RORY

The Bahamians.

LORELAI

Yes. They were nice.

EMILY

They were nice.

LORELAI

So, what are your plans?

EMILY

We're not going anywhere this year.

RORY

Why not? Oh, well yeah, it can be really nice just to stay at home sometimes because you can do fun things that you normally wouldn't have time for.

LORELAI

Yeah, like play Running Charades, and get out that Slip 'n Slide.

RICHARD

We'll see.

EMILY

Yes, we'll see.

RICHARD

Would you all excuse me? I have to make some calls. Say goodbye before you leave, will you?

LORELAI

Yeah, sure Dad.

LORELAI

When is this awfulness with work gonna resolve itself?

EMILY

I don't know. The man is so sensitive. He reads so much into every little perceived slight.

LORELAI

Yeah. I remember one time when I was a kid, Dad had put on some weight, and he bought a new suit to try to cover it up. And he wore it for us and he said, 'How do I look?' and I said, 'You look fat.' [pause] But I guess that wasn't really a perceived slight...so, I'll think of another example.

SOOKIE

Keep in mind during the Bracebridge Dinner, we are not just servers, we are performers, so any time you're with a guest, you must be in character and you must speak Old English. It's a world we're creating here, so whatever we can do...Kirk, you're driving me crazy!

KIRK

Who me? [reads transcript] 'Whatever we can do to Kirk you're driving me crazy.' Yeah, me. Ah, sorry.

SOOKIE

Okay, now guys, look at the materials I gave you, and tell me if a guest asks you how the food's coming, what would be the appropriate Old English response? Rune!

RUNE

Greetings!

SOOKIE

You just read the first thing on the list, didn't you?

RUNE

Maybe.

SOOKIE

Guys, the correct response: Ah, oven's day with baked meat choke!

RUNE

Question?

SOOKIE

Yeah?

RUNE

What color dress will I be wearing when I say this?

JACKSON

Rune, don't be an idiot.

RUNE

Well, this is stupid.

JACKSON

Shut up and pay attention to Sookie. She worked very hard to bring this about.

KIRK

Yes, but unfortunately we don't all share intimacies with her, so she doesn't cut us any slack.

JACKSON

She doesn't treat me differently.

KIRK

She's called you Peaches three times. It's all in the transcript.

RUNE

Sookie, instead of talking in Old English, can I just talk like an old man?

SOOKIE

What?

RUNE

Hey you kids, get off my lawn!

SOOKIE

No, no you cannot just talk like an old man.

SOOKIE

Hi, honey, what's the matter?

LORELAI

They're snowed in.

SOOKIE

Who's snowed in?

LORELAI

The Bracebridge group. They're stuck in Chicago. The dinner's off.

SOOKIE

No.

LORELAI

Yes.

SOOKIE

I'm gonna cry.

LORELAI

I offered to fund the instant invention of a molecular transport device but they just didn't go for it.

SOOKIE

Oh, that makes me so mad. And so sad. I'm smad!

RUNE

Sookie, does this mean that my pockets wileth not with money get choked? That sounded like Old English. Cool, huh?

SOOKIE

I've got thirty pounds of aged beef, trays and trays of trout, mountains of pruned tarts. I diced pumpkins until my hands turned orange. I've got pumpkin hands.

LORELAI

Take a sip

SOOKIE

How can you stay so calm about this?

LORELAI

There's nothing we can do about it.

RORY

I can't believe they got snowed in.

LORELAI

All that work, all that extra help we hired. Oh well. At least they paid for it already. We didn't lose any money.

SOOKIE

Yeah I guess. You know, I could still make up the dinner for the three of us.

RORY

Yeah, but then it would be like the three of us, all alone in the dining room.

LORELAI

It would be like The Shining, except instead of Jack Nicholson, we have Rune.

LUKE

You girls want anything besides coffee?

SOOKIE

Hey, what about Luke?

LUKE

What about him?

SOOKIE

He eats, and Jess eats. Doesn't Jess eat?

LUKE

What's she doing?

LORELAI

I think she's inviting you for dinner.

SOOKIE

Yeah, come on, join us. It'll be fun. You like Peacock Pie?

LUKE

I'm a hundred percent sure I don't.

LORELAI

There'll be normal food too.

RORY

And decorations.

SOOKIE

And music.

LORELAI

Come on, it'll be fun.

LUKE

Well...

LORELAI

Hey, you know what? Let's invite everyone.

SOOKIE

Everyone who?

LORELAI

Everyone everyone.

SOOKIE

Everyone everyone who?

LORELAI

Everyone we know, everyone we like.

RORY

And they could even stay in the inn. All those empty rooms, all those uneaten pillow mints.

LORELAI

An out of control, over the top slumber party!

SOOKIE

I love it!

RORY

Me too!

LORELAI

Done! Spread the word.

LUKE

I haven't said I'd come yet so I'm certainly not gonna suddenly become your messenger boy. [Lorelai stares at him] Eight o'clock?

LORELAI

Seven.

LUKE

Right.

LANE

Deano.

DEAN

Hey Lane. Are you going to this big shindig at the inn tonight?

LANE

Yeah, I'm just trying to trick my mom into not going with me.

DEAN

How's that coming along?

LANE

How's that Pixies reunion coming along?

DEAN

Well, I'll see you and your mom there.

LANE

Bye.

DEAN

Bye.

BOY

Keep it up pal, you'll get hurt.

DEAN

Whoa, hey guys! Guys, come on, break it up guys! Quit it! Hey, hold it man, get off me! [Dean tries to pull Jess away; Jess tries to punch him] Whoa, hey, get off me man, I'm not fighting you! Jess, knock it off man! What the hell is your problem?

JESS

Nothing.

DEAN

You saw it was me, Jess. Why'd you keep punching?

JESS

Had momentum.

DEAN

Well I was trying to help you.

JESS

I don't need you help, but thanks for offering.

LORELAI

Hey, did Bootsy RSVP?

RORY

Yeah, he's coming.

LORELAI

Thanks. Is he bringing anybody?

RORY

He's coming solo.

LORELAI

Okay. I'm gonna put him in room 16 with Luke.

RORY

You can't do that.

LORELAI

Come on, let me have my fun.

RORY

Luke's coming with Jess.

LORELAI

Well, I'll put Jess in with Miss Patty.

RORY

There will be no Jess left in the morning.

LORELAI

You stink.

RORY

Are these last year's cards or this year's?

LORELAI

This year's, of course.

RORY

Don't scoff. Last year's set were still sitting here 'til Halloween.

LORELAI

Hey, if that's a crack at my housekeeping skills...well then, okay.

RORY

Wow.

LORELAI

What?

RORY

This is one ugly looking baby. Whose baby is this?

LORELAI

That's your second cousin's Stan's. Poor kid.

RORY

Ugh, he got Stan's everything.

LORELAI

That's not even the ugliest baby in the bunch.

RORY

You're kidding. [looks through the pile] Ouch!

LORELAI

That's the ugliest baby in the bunch.

RORY

I don't understand why people put pictures on cards.

LORELAI

Do they not understand we are unapologetic mockers?

RORY

There's an unexplained innocence in the world. Hey, I didn't see this.

LORELAI

See what?

RORY

Dad.

LORELAI

Oh.

RORY

And the woman I'm assuming is Sherry.

LORELAI

Uh, did I not show you that? Huh.

RORY

They've got a cute little puppy and everything.

LORELAI

Oh, I must've put it in the stack and forgotten to tell you about it. Well, there it is.

RORY

Nice looking lady.

LORELAI

Mm hmm. Like a young Tammy Faye Baker.

RORY

But prettier than that.

LORELAI

Oh, I didn't mean not pretty. Hey, question about the room list.

RORY

Yeah?

LORELAI

Room 31 - why is it empty?

RORY

Oh yeah, I wanted to run an idea by you.

LORELAI

Run it.

RORY

I thought maybe a certain depressed man and his wife could stay there.

LORELAI

Woody and Soon-Yi?

RORY

Grandma and Grandpa.

LORELAI

Ugh, you've got to be kidding.

RORY

But this could help to cheer him up.

LORELAI

I'll send him a Def Jam Comedy tape. That'll cheer him up.

RORY

It's a really good thing to do.

LORELAI

We'll donate money to charity, that's a good thing too. We'll stop kicking dogs.

RORY

Mom.

LORELAI

All right, I'll pencil them in, but they'll probably say no.

RORY

Yeah, but we're not gonna hope that they say no, right?

LORELAI

Right.

RORY

Right, because that would be really bad karma, especially on top of making fun of the ugly babies.

LORELAI

Uh, I have a new year's resolution for you: become more cynical and self absorbed.

RORY

I'll work on it.

RORY

Hey, how's Sookie doing in there?

LORELAI

Ah, well, she's paper bagging it.

RORY

What?

LORELAI

You know... [Lorelai breathes into a pretend paper bag]

RORY

Oh, so she's right on schedule.

BABETTE

Hey dolls.

LORELAI

Hey!

RORY

Hi, welcome.

MOREY

Are we the first ones here?

LORELAI

Yes, you are.

BABETTE

Now don't you freak out. Morey hates being the first anywhere. He thinks it hurts his street credibility.

MOREY

Charlie Parker was late to everything.

BABETTE

Charlie Parker had more drugs in him than a Rite-Aid. Forget Charlie Parker.

RORY

You guys are in room 8. It's all ready for you.

BABETTE

Thanks, doll. C'mon Morey. We can be late for dinner if it'll make you feel better.

MOREY

A little.

BABETTE

Yeah.

LANE

Hey!

RORY

Are you alone?

MRS. KIM

Lane!

LANE

My wedding night's gonna be very interesting.

RORY

Hi Mrs. Kim. I'm glad you guys could come. You guys are in room 12.

MRS. KIM

Thank you. Hello Lorelai, thank you for inviting us.

LORELAI

Our pleasure. Do you need help bringing in the rest of your stuff?

MRS. KIM

This is my stuff. Don't need any more stuff. People have too much stuff.

LORELAI

You know you're right. People have too much stuff. Absolutely.

RORY

Says the woman with 64 pairs of shoes.

LORELAI

Thus proving my point. What is Paris doing here?

RORY

She had to bring me the newspaper stuff tonight. She just couldn't wait.

LORELAI

A robot, she's a robot. Hi! [walks away]

RORY

Hey.

PARIS

So here are the materials in the double issue. Some of the articles are gonna need complete rewrites.

RORY

Drag.

PARIS

Madeline's 500 words on test anxiety spends 400 of them arguing that stretch corduroy is the best material for low-rise jeans.

RORY

Well, let's see. Corduroy is a fabric, and the fabric of society is weakened when students...

PARIS

You can't get there.

RORY

Yeah, it doesn't look like it. I'll get right on this tomorrow.

PARIS

What about tonight?

RORY

I'm busy tonight.

PARIS

Doing what?

RORY

Well, this.

PARIS

Oh. What is this?

RORY

It's kind of a big dinner party.

PARIS

Oh. Okay, well, I'll get out of your way. Call if you need to talk things through, and oh - she uses the Prince version of writing. A letter U for you and a picture of an eye for an I.

RORY

Wow.

PARIS

Yeah.

RORY

Hey Paris, do you have anything going on tonight?

PARIS

What's that supposed to mean?

RORY

It's supposed to mean, do you have anything going on tonight?

PARIS

Well, my parents are out of town, so my Portuguese nanny will make dinner and then I'll either get back to reading the Iliad or we'll play Monopoly. I crush her every time.

RORY

Well I was just thinking, maybe you want to stay for dinner?

PARIS

Here?

RORY

Yeah. We have a ton of food, and it's like a whole big show and everything, and if you're not doing anything...

PARIS

Rereading the Iliad a third time is not not doing anything. I'm not pathetic.

RORY

I know you're not. I just thought it might be fun, that's all.

PARIS

Well, I'll have to make a call.

RORY

Good, make it.

PARIS

I just have to let Nanny know. [takes out cell phone and dials] Nanny? É Paris. Vou jantar com Rory hoje à noite. Eu telefono no caminho de casa. Tchau.

DEAN

Hey.

RORY

Hello there. Hey Clara. Nice, is that a Stella McCartney?

CLARA

It's a Wal-Mart.

RORY

Well, it's very pretty.

CLARA

My mom bought it for tonight.

RORY

She's got good taste.

DEAN

[sees Jess walk in] I didn't know he was coming.

RORY

Who?

DEAN

Jess.

RORY

Yeah. Is that a problem?

DEAN

Not really.

RORY

Dean.

DEAN

It's just that, he got into this fight with this guy at school, and when I broke it up he started in on me.

RORY

He hit you?

DEAN

He tried.

RORY

Why would he do that?

DEAN

Don't ask me to explain that jerk. [Jess waves] He better not do that all night.

SOOKIE

No! It tastes too twentieth century guys. It's gotta shout Washington Irving, not Irving my accountant. It needs something, help me. What is it?

CHEF

Uhh...

LORELAI

How's it going? AGH!

SOOKIE

What?

LORELAI

Ooh! Ew, Rune naked, naked Rune.

SOOKIE

Ahh!

RUNE

These stupid pants won't go past my thighs.

LORELAI

Why are you dressing in here?

RUNE

The bathrooms are full and the lousy madrigal singers are bull guarding the supply closet so this is the only place.

SOOKIE

They're too small.

RUNE

My thighs are too big.

LORELAI

Ahh! Rune, yes, but in lieu of coming up with something that would immediately reduce the size of your thighs, why don't we get you a bigger pair of pants?

SOOKIE

And a different place to dress.

LORELAI

Definitely.

RUNE

Well, can you get me the supply closet?

LORELAI

We'll take it by force if we have to. Go. Ah. [Rune leaves] Is everything under control?

SOOKIE

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, ye...no. This needs something and I cannot think of what it is. It's that tart, kind of spicy, white. . .salt! The word is salt!

LORELAI

You forgot the word for salt?

SOOKIE

Everything's under control.

LORELAI

Good.

SOOKIE

Absolutely, one hundred percent.

LORELAI

You're exuding confidence. Have the oxygen ready.

SOOKIE

Okay, easy. It's a bird, it's a bird.

LORELAI

They're here.

RORY

Who?

LORELAI

The Joy-less Luck Club.

RICHARD

Hello girls. You look particularly lovely tonight.

RORY

Thanks Grandpa.

LORELAI

Thanks Dad. You guys look nice yourselves.

EMILY

Seems like the occasion called for it.

RICHARD

The air seems crisper here than Hartford. It's wonderful.

LORELAI

Hey Dad, you didn't grab the wrong prescription bottle earlier today, did you?

RICHARD

What?

RORY

Nothing.

EMILY

I think she was making one of her funny jokes.

RICHARD

Oh, went straight over my head.

LORELAI

Let me get someone to help you with your bags.

RICHARD

No, no, I've got them. Just point me to the room.

RORY

You guys are in room 31, best room in the place.

RICHARD

Oh, anything's fine. I'll, uh, see you in a bit. [walks away]

LORELAI

What got into him?

RORY

He's totally different.

EMILY

I know. He's been that way for two days. I have no idea why but I'm taking the credit.

LORELAI

Ugh, a hostess' job is never done. Hi.

LORELAI

Hey everybody, will you gather round? Everyone, everyone! First of all, I want to welcome you to the first annual and probably never ever to be held again because Sookie's on the verge of a nervous breakdown Bracebridge Dinner.

SOOKIE

I'm fine, everything's fine.

LORELAI

I also want to thank Mother Nature for snowing in the Trelling Paper Company in Chicago so I can throw this great party for all my friends instead. It's a very special night. And so, since I don't get to eat unbelievably strange food with my friends everyday, I have arranged a little surprise. Outside, as we speak, is a line of horse drawn sleighs and everybody gets a ride. So, uh, line up and keep it orderly. There's two per sleigh and no cutting in front of each other - that goes for everyone. Except me, 'cause I'll be damned if I'm gonna miss a ride in a horse drawn sleigh. Come on.

LUKE

You gonna go?

JESS

I think I'll wait for the clog dancing.

DEAN

Hey, hey, don't move.

CLARA

But we're gonna miss all the good horses!

RORY

Who is this brazen woman competing for your attention?

CLARA

Come on!

DEAN

Uh, I guess I'm spoken for.

RORY

I'll see you back here.

BOOTSY

You see the horses?

LUKE

You mean the ones three feet from my face? Yeah, I saw 'em.

BOOTSY

I spent a summer training horses in Montana.

LUKE

You get kicked in the head a lot?

BOOTSY

Just the once.

LORELAI

Hey, you in the belt - get in.

LUKE

What? Oh, no, I was just sort of checking things out.

LORELAI

Come on. We can pull a Ben Hur and take down Taylor's sleigh.

LUKE

I don't know, I...

LORELAI

Aww, come on Luke. I can't be all school marm-y and ride by myself. Please?

LUKE

Well, okay. [gets in the sleigh]

LORELAI

Giddy up. [the sleigh starts moving] Uh! The horses heard me, I speak horse language! I'm Dr. Dolittle!

LUKE

Plus, I think the driver of the sleigh heard you.

LORELAI

Oh, yeah.

LUKE

I gotta say, sleigh ride's a little much, but these horses are really beautiful.

LORELAI

Yes, especially from this angle.

LUKE

Not just from this angle.

LORELAI

Oh seriously, don't backtrack. Horse has got a nice butt there.

LUKE

It's not what I'm saying.

LORELAI

Nice firm hiney.

LUKE

Stop talking about the horse's hiney.

LORELAI

God, the town looks beautiful.

LUKE

Same as always.

LORELAI

No, it's always different his time of year. It's magical.

LUKE

If you say so, sure. Oh look, there's the magical plumbing supply store where I bought a magical float for my toilet last week.

LORELAI

You disappoint me.

LUKE

Oh look. There's the magical Luke's Diner right underneath the apartment that Jess magically lit by leaving every stinkin' light on.

LORELAI

How's it going with you guys?

LUKE

Me and Jess? Great.

LORELAI

Great? Really?

LUKE

Really.

LORELAI

Well, good.

LUKE

It is good. I mean, it was hard at first, seemed impossible, you know, but I've learned a lot these past couple months.

LORELAI

Like?

LUKE

Like last week I discovered the secret of parenting.

LORELAI

You did?

LUKE

Yup.

LORELAI

The secret of parenting?

LUKE

The secret of parenting.

LORELAI

When last week? Last Tuesday?

LUKE

I don't know the exact day.

LORELAI

Tuesday at 5:15, is that when you discovered the secret of parenting?

LUKE

Don't mock.

LORELAI

Well, tell me. What is. . . oh wait, it's a secret, you can't tell me.

LUKE

No, I'll tell you. You visualize the reality you want.

LORELAI

You visualize the reality you want.

LUKE

And then if necessary, you lie to bring it about.

LORELAI

That is so much worse than I was expecting.

LUKE

You never lied to your kid?

LORELAI

Ahh, to save her from great physical pain, yes. When she was little and she would play in the kitchen, I told her that the burners were the devil's hands, but I would say it in a really scary evangelist voice, you know, 'Don't touch the devil's hands!' She still doesn't go near the stove.

LUKE

Yes, exactly. You told a little white lie for your kid's protection, very similar to what I've done.

LORELAI

Which was?

LUKE

Well, you know the winter break is coming up?

LORELAI

Yes I do.

LUKE

Okay, well that means Jess has some time off from school. His mom knew that and she never called.

LORELAI

Ugh, it makes me sick

LUKE

So I decided just to keep Jess with me, and I told him that his mom wanted him to come home but I thought since he just got there and was still adjusting that I thought he should stay, and his mom was really upset but I insisted. He bought it hook, line and sinker. Saved him a lot of hurt.

LORELAI

He didn't buy it.

LUKE

What? Of course he did.

LORELAI

He knows.

EMILY

I wish Lorelai had warned us about this.

RICHARD

What? This is wonderful..

EMILY

It's wreaking havoc with my hair.

RICHARD

Oh this is not bad for your hair, compared to the other thing.

EMILY

What other thing? [Richard tousles her hair] Richard, stop it! Stop it! Suddenly you're two years old.

RICHARD

Oh, I'm just having fun.

EMILY

I'm not complaining.

RICHARD

This is fun too. This is like a roller coaster.

EMILY

A little.

RICHARD

Say, when was the last time we were on a roller coaster?

EMILY

Never.

RICHARD

Didn't we ever go to Coney Island?

EMILY

That must've been your other wife.

RICHARD

Gosh, I used to love it when I was a kid. They were a lot faster then too.

EMILY

And less safe.

RICHARD

We should go on one.

EMILY

What?

RICHARD

A fast one.

EMILY

Fine. You go and I'll wait and hold your cotton candy for you.

RICHARD

You are going.

EMILY

It would take a whole day.

RICHARD

You are going.

EMILY

I'd be scared.

RICHARD

I'll hold your hand.

EMILY

Fine. We'll go on a roller coaster.

RICHARD

Good.

EMILY

Now where is this roller coaster we're going on?

RICHARD

I'm not sure. I'll get Rory to look it up on the Internet for us.

DRIVER

That it miss?

RORY

I guess I'm alone.

RORY

What are you doing?

JESS

Well, I heard it was two to a sleigh - no more, no less. You were breaking the rules.

RORY

You could've hurt yourself.

JESS

I live on the edge. I can jump out if you want.

RORY

Doesn't matter to me.

JESS

Are you mad at me or something?

RORY

What do you think?

JESS

I can't read your mind.

RORY

You got into a fight with Dean.

JESS

Dean?

RORY

My boyfriend.

JESS

Ah. He's still your boyfriend?

RORY

Okay, you can jump out now.

JESS

I wasn't fighting him. I was fighting someone else. He jumped in on his own.

RORY

He was trying to help you.

JESS

Oh, he should go into government service if he's so interested in helping people. But me, he can stop worrying about.

RORY

Why were you fighting in the first place?

JESS

'Cause Chuck Presby's a jerk.

RORY

You were fighting Chuck Presby?

JESS

Yeah.

RORY

Oh, he is a jerk.

JESS

This whole town is weird and full of jerks.

RORY

Then why are you still here?

JESS

What do you mean?

RORY

I mean, school's out and you don't like it here, so why don't you just go home?

JESS

My mom didn't want me to.

RORY

I don't believe that.

JESS

That's your right, I guess.

RORY

Did Luke say she didn't want you to?

JESS

Luke told me it was his idea that I should stay. It wasn't his idea. That's good.

RORY

What?

JESS

Your snowman. Snowwoman, actually.

RORY

You know which one is ours?

JESS

It definitely has the most personality. Kind of looks like Bjork.

RORY

That's what we were going for.

JESS

Yeah?

RORY

But everyone thinks the one on the end is gonna be the winner.

JESS

Really? It's so overdone.

RORY

I agree.

JESS

You should win.

RORY

No argument.

JESS

Hey, what do you and Dean talk about?

RORY

What?

JESS

I mean, does he know Bjork?

RORY

I've played him some stuff.

JESS

Hm. So you got a teacher-student thing going?

RORY

Stop.

JESS

No, really, I'm curious. What do you guys talk about?

RORY

Everything.

JESS

Like?

RORY

Just everything, tons of stuff, whatever.

JESS

It's just in the brief non-pugilistic time I've spent with him in class, he just doesn't seem like your kind of guy.

RORY

Well, he is my kind of guy. He's exactly my kind of guy.

JESS

Okay. I guess I don't know him that well.

RORY

You don't. You don't.

LORELAI

Quiet please, everybody. Before the, uh, button popping and the bloating can commence, say cheese.

EVERYONE

Cheese!

LORELAI

Uh, now, ladies and gentlemen, damen und herren, um, the moment you've been waiting for, I give you the Bracebridge Dinner.

SOOKIE

Whoa, whoa, hold it. We just need a quick minute, please.

LORELAI

Which will be starting in one quick minute.

BOOTSY

You ever think about that? You can't have a quick minute because it's always sixty seconds.

LUKE

Shut up.

MISS PATTY

Lorelai darling, who is the silver fox with the tight kneesocks?

LORELAI

Oh, that's Claude. He's one of our regular servers, divorced and on the market.

MISS PATTY

Oh, well the uniform is interesting.

LORELAI

All right. I'll have him bathed, powdered, and sent to your room.

MISS PATTY

What? Oh, you joke? Was that a joke?

RICHARD

Lorelai, this is just beautiful. It's like something out of Architectural Digest. You should be very proud.

LORELAI

Thanks Dad.

EMILY

Your dress needs pressing.

LORELAI

Thanks Mom.

LORELAI

Your pod Grandpa is still happy as a clam.

RORY

See, I told you this would be good for him.

LORELAI

When you're right, you're right.

RUNE

Welcome Lords and Ladies. I call upon these sprightly horns to commence our proceedings. [horns play] Hey Chuck Mangione, you wanna back up a step?

LORELAI

And we're off.

RUNE

And now, fair people, I present my Lord and Master, the honorable Squire Bracebridge.

JACKSON

Lo! Now has come our joyfullest feast. Let every man be jolly.

JESS

We should've eaten before we came.

LUKE

Shh! And yeah.

JACKSON

Humble servant, bring us the first course to dine with pleasure. Mmm, methinks it be a butternut squash soup.

RUNE

Ah, methinks you're right Squire Bracebridge, thus and verily.

JACKSON

And verily thus.

LORELAI

They're the Old England Abbot and Costello.

JACKSON

'Tis perfection, but extremely hot.

RUNE

My Lord, do you need aid? Wouldst thou have thee ice thy tongue?

JACKSON

Ah nay, Rune, nay. To the guests thou shall serve the soup!

JESS

What's the white stuff?

LUKE

I think it's cheese - or cream.

JESS

And the green stuff?

LUKE

I think it's...best picked off.

MRS. KIM

No one says grace?

LANE

I think they all do Mama, uh, silently.

MRS. KIM

Did you say silent grace?

BABETTE

[laughs] Good one!

KIRK

Soup for mi'ladies?

RORY

Why thank you, kind sir.

LORELAI

Hey Kirk, nice blouse.

RORY

Don't let her make fun of you Kirk. You look great.

KIRK

Soup with garlands, gay and rosemary.

LORELAI

You're gonna stay in character no matter what, huh?

KIRK

'Tis hot, so proceed daintily.

LORELAI

Hey, did you ever see that I Love Lucy where she goes to Buckingham Palace?

RORY

Mom.

LORELAI

She tries to get the palace guard to break character. That was a funny one.

KIRK

'Tis foreign to me good lady.

RORY

Hang in there, Kirk.

LORELAI

Those ones where she was in Europe, hands down, those were the best!

KIRK

No way, the Hollywood ones!

LORELAI

Ha!

KIRK

Damn!

RORY

I was rooting for you boy.

RUNE

My Lord, shall dessert be served?

JACKSON

Anon, humble servant.

CLARA

Can I eat my dessert with the horses?

DEAN

Sure, uh, but put your coat on.

CLARA

Are you okay?

BOOTSY

I guess so. I've lost track of how many beers I've had.

CLARA

Seven.

LORELAI

Hey Paris, how's it going?

PARIS

Fine, good, thanks for having me.

LORELAI

Oh, it was our pleasure.

PARIS

Did you notice the anachronisms?

LORELAI

The what?

PARIS

The period discrepancies. They were pretty blatant. I mean, forget that the nineteenth century didn't include recessed lighting or the Fossil watch that your server was wearing, but water in that period would not have been served with cubed ice.

LORELAI

Right.

PARIS

And your servers are wearing nylon blend shirts, and nylon was invented by a scientist at Dupont in the 1920's. It shattered the illusion.

LORELAI

Floggings will be administered.

RICHARD

So there we are, it's a beautiful moonlit Prague night, and we're strolling across the Charles Bridge when we come across this group of kids blasting this song by that. . .oh, that awful woman. Who is she? The tall bony one, married to the deceased mustachioed congressman.

RORY

Cher?

EMILY

That's the one!

LORELAI

The year of 'Do you believe in life after love?'

RORY

A difficult time for all of us.

MICHEL

I like that song.

RICHARD

Well, I was appalled. Prague has played host to some of the greatest composers in history. Mozart named a symphony after it, for heaven's sake. So what did I do?

EMILY

I have tried so hard to forget this.

RICHARD

I stood beside them and their boombox and I hummed Mozart's Prague Symphony as loud as I could. [starts humming]

LORELAI

A bizarro Battle of the Bands.

TAYLOR

And did it work?

RICHARD

Well, they quickly packed up and went their way.

EMILY

But then he kept on humming the Mozart. He wouldn't stop.

RICHARD

Well, at that point I was hoping for some gullible tourists to drop money at my feet.

EMILY

And two of them did.

RICHARD

And I kept it!

TAYLOR

You know, this might be the most interesting conversation I've ever had with an insurance man.

RICHARD

Aww, I'm hurt.

TAYLOR

I'm sorry Richard. What I meant was that...

RICHARD

No, what you meant was that people in the insurance industry are drones. Well I agree. They are a dull, dull lot, and I am glad to be rid of them.

LORELAI

Rid of them?

TAYLOR

Oh, are you retired Richard?

RICHARD

Well, uh...

EMILY

Of course he's not. Richard? Richard?

RICHARD

Actually, I am.

LORELAI

Ah, it's always nice to end a big festive meal with a big festive pall hanging over the room.

RORY

Most people didn't notice anything.

LORELAI

I guess. Bootsy singing Hotel California accompanied by spoons drew people's attention away.

RORY

Did Grandma and Grandpa say a word to each other the rest of the night?

LORELAI

No.

RORY

Why didn't he tell anyone?

LORELAI

I'm sorry, are you asking me to interpret my parents' motives?

RORY

My mistake. So which bed do you want?

LORELAI

Take the one by the window.

RORY

Okay. [pulls back blanket] Mom!

LORELAI

What honey?

RORY

You put the picture of the ugly baby in my bed?

LORELAI

I didn't, I swear. That ugly baby is stalking us. Run away!

RORY

Poor baby, it's not his fault.

LORELAI

I think it's a she.

RORY

Poor baby, you picked the wrong parents. Hey, have you heard from Dad recently?

LORELAI

What dad - your dad?

RORY

Yeah, my dad.

LORELAI

Why?

RORY

Because he's my dad, and he usually checks in this time of year and he hasn't checked in yet. I mean, I know he's probably busy with Sherry and the new apartment and...what?

LORELAI

There may have been a call.

RORY

There may have been? You don't remember?

LORELAI

Well things have been so hectic, you know, with the Bracebridge Dinner, and um, building a snowwoman, and planning the ugly baby gag, that took time.

RORY

Mom?

LORELAI

Yes, he called! He called, he called, he called and invited you, and it's not too late to go. He called and invited you, so there you go. I'm sorry I didn't tell you, so there.

RORY

He invited me over?

LORELAI

Yes, are you deaf?

RORY

No, I'm just trying to separate the gist from the ubububububah.

LORELAI

Well, the gist is he invited you, okay?

RORY

Why didn't he invite me himself?

LORELAI

Because he's pretending to be considerate by running it past me first.

RORY

Was he maybe not pretending to be considerate, and actually being considerate?

LORELAI

Maybe. But I wouldn't put it past him to be inconsiderate. The guy doesn't have the greatest track record.

RORY

Why didn't you tell me this? He's probably waiting for my answer, and holding off making plans.

LORELAI

Because I have dibs on this time of year with you, not him! Me! And yes, he acknowledged that, and that was cool and all, but still - it stinks! Because he put me in a very difficult position because we were supposed to watch a lot of movies and make fun of Godfather 3, and the thing that I really, really hate about this is...is the idea of you not hanging out with me because you're hanging out there with your stupid stepmother.

RORY

You're calling Sherry my stepmother?

LORELAI

Well, she practically is.

RORY

You're wigging.

LORELAI

There is something wrong with that woman.

RORY

You don't even know her.

LORELAI

You think I'm overreacting?

RORY

I think you're jealous of Sherry.

LORELAI

Ha, I'm not jealous of Sherry.

RORY

But I understand - your territory has been threatened.

LORELAI

Excuse me?

RORY

But relax, there are ways to work through situations like this - compromises can be struck.

LORELAI

Oh, what are you saying?

RORY

Well, you know, I can still call you Mom, and I'll call her Mommy Sherry.

LORELAI

Don't be mean.

RORY

And we can split up holidays evenly. Like, I'll be with you on Labor Day...

LORELAI

Okay.

RORY

... her on Memorial Day.

LORELAI

Enough.

RORY

I'll have to find out about her religion though to see how Chanukah will factor into this, unless you want to convert to Judaism and then take over Chanukah for yourself.

LORELAI

I get the point. I overreacted. Please stop.

RORY

You totally overreacted. God.

LORELAI

So do you think you're gonna go and stay with them?

RORY

I'll have to think about it.

LORELAI

Do you have to think about it because you know that it's killing me not to know whether you're going or not and you want to torture me like that?

RORY

Nope, I just don't know if I want to do it.

LORELAI

Oh.

RORY

It was nice of him to ask though.

LORELAI

It was very nice.

RORY

'Cause we are rooting for Dad.

LORELAI

We are rooting for him. It was a very nice thing that Christopher offered. I was being a little possessive.

RORY

And insanely jealous of his pretty girlfriend.

LORELAI

Well, I wanna know if she's good enough for him.

RORY

Me too.

LORELAI

So there was an altruistic streak to my madness.

RORY

We'll go with that.

EMILY

I need a new room.

LORELAI

What?

EMILY

I can't stay in that room.

LORELAI

There are no other rooms, Mom.

EMILY

Well, then I'll go home.

RORY

Grandma, it's late.

LORELAI

And pitch black, and the roads are icy. You can't be driving.

EMILY

Well, I'm not going back to that room.

LORELAI

I'm guessing you and Dad had it out about the job thing?

EMILY

We haven't even spoken since dinner. I'm so upset, I wouldn't know where to begin. And I couldn't take being around him anymore. What he did is inexcusable. Not letting me know he left his job - as if it didn't affect me?

LORELAI

Aw mom, try to calm down. Here, take this bed, and Rory and I will share.

EMILY

I'm just a burden.

LORELAI

You're not a burden, Mom.

EMILY

Well, okay, thank you. Can I use the mirror in the bathroom for a second?

LORELAI

Yes, I'll use the one out here.

RORY

Wow.

LORELAI

What?

RORY

Behold my future.

EMILY

How do you turn out the light?

LORELAI

I'll get it.

EMILY

I still can't believe it.

LORELAI

Try to relax Mom.

EMILY

I hope he doesn't sleep because I surely won't.

LORELAI

Oh, Mom.

EMILY

These slippers you have here are hardly one size fits all. They're too big.

LORELAI

Goodnight.

EMILY

It was so irresponsible.

LORELAI

Maybe he had no choice.

EMILY

Of course he had a choice. Go to sleep Lorelai.

LORELAI

That job was killing him, Mom. It was killing him.

EMILY

I'm going for a little walk.

RORY

Grandma, it's late.

EMILY

I'm not tired.

LORELAI

Like sands through the hourglass, so are the Gilmores of our lives.

EMILY

I didn't know you were here.

RICHARD

Emily, don't go.

EMILY

I'm very tired.

RICHARD

I want to talk to you, please. I don't need to remind you about how I've been feeling at work, and my frustration just built to the point where...again, you know this. So, I arranged to meet the CEO yesterday just to talk about the situation and about the rumors I'd heard floating around. So I met with Floyd. We shook hands, had coffee, then I started telling him about how unhappy I'd become. I detailed all my years with the company, all the travel I'd done, all the weekends I put in, the sacrifices I'd made, including time with my family, for the firm. And the more I talked, the angrier I became, and then suddenly I heard myself resign, just like that. Floyd was stunned. I'd never seen Floyd stunned. I enjoyed seeing Floyd stunned. So I finished my coffee and I walked out of that office, and I couldn't believe what I'd just done. I'd resigned, quit. I believe I even used a little profanity in the process. But you know what Emily? I was thrilled, elated, a giant weight had been lifted off my chest. I noticed Floyd's secretary staring at me, and I realized it was because I was smiling. Well, nobody had seen me smile there in a very long time. I was. . .I was happy.

EMILY

And you chose not to tell me? Your own wife.

RICHARD

Oh Emily, I know I've done nothing but disappoint you these past few months, what with how isolated I've become and all the social engagements I've made you cancel, and all the friendships I've jeopardized. And you like order, you like lists, you like to know where you're going or what's coming. You like all things planned. And then suddenly I impulsively unplan our entire future in one fail swoop. Well, I couldn't face disappointing you again. I couldn't face telling you that I'd spoiled the plan. Not now, not at this time of year. I didn't want to fight, I didn't want to worry, I just wanted to keep being happy. I'm very, very sorry. Anyhow, um, I've been sitting here going over our financial situation. Now, um, we still have all of our retirement accounts, and our medical coverage is all there, By quitting though, we do forgo some of my pension and some stock options. Not a terribly significant amount, but an amount all the same.

EMILY

Richard, let's just go to bed.

RORY

See ya Bootsy.

BOOTSY

See ya, thanks. By the way, last night did I sing Hotel California?

RORY

From beginning to end.

LORELAI

While banging spoons on your head.

BOOTSY

Well that explains the lumps.

LORELAI

Bye.

MISS PATTY

Lorelai, darling, oh thank you for everything.

LORELAI

Patty, your timing is excellent. There's Claude over there. Want me to do some matchmaking?

MISS PATTY

Aww, he's wearing a golf shirt and cotton Dockers.

LORELAI

So it was the uniform, huh?

MISS PATTY

Aw, it's the Biloxi Naval Base all over again.

LORELAI

See ya.

MISS PATTY

Bye.

LORELAI

Hey Mom. You didn't make it back to the room last night. Did you get lucky?

EMILY

Could you be any cruder?

LORELAI

Yeah, I can be cruder. Hey mom, did you get la...

RORY

Thanks for coming! It was fun. Is everything okay?

RICHARD

Everything's okay.

EMILY

We'll see you next Friday.

LORELAI

Bye. Bye Dad.

RICHARD

Bye Lorelai.

SOOKIE

You just had one grub too many. Just drink lots of water to rehydrate.

JACKSON

I will.

LORELAI

Jackson, thank you for being our Squire.

JACKSON

Oh, you're welcome. Hey, uh, by the way, last night when Bootsy was singing Hotel California and banging spoons on his head, did I...

LORELAI

Lift up your shirt and play drums on your stomach? Yes you did.

JACKSON

Oh boy.

RORY

You kept a good beat.

SOOKIE

Yeah, 'cause God knows if the beat was off, you'd have embarrassed yourself.

CLARA

Thanks Rory.

RORY

Clara, I'm glad you came.

DEAN

So I'll see you later.

CLARA

Don't kiss.

DEAN

Aw, come on.

CLARA

Don't kiss.

CLARA

Come on.

DEAN

So I guess we're off.

RORY

I guess so.

LORELAI

Bye you guys. Ugh, let's go home.

RORY

Are we coming to get our bags later?

LORELAI

Why?

RORY

Because we're walking home. I don't want to carry 'em.

LORELAI

Who says we're walking?

LORELAI

This is the only way to ride.

RORY

I wholeheartedly agree.

LORELAI

Whoa, what happened there?

RORY

I have no idea.

LORELAI

Bad news for ringer guy. But guess who wins by default?

RORY

I guess that would be us.