T2E11: “Secrets and Loans”

LORELAI

Time?

LUKE

4:30.

LORELAI

Fill me up?

LUKE

That's your sixth cup.

LORELAI

Yes it is.

LUKE

How 'bout some tea?

LORELAI

Absolutely, throw it in with the coffee.

LUKE

I assume Rory's meeting you here.

LORELAI

Yes she is and she's late and I have to go to class tonight so that means I have ten more minutes.

RORY

I got it!

LORELAI

You did?

RORY

Right here.

LORELAI

Ooh! Well hurry up, open it! Leave the pot Ethel.

LUKE

I'm just an enabler.

LORELAI

Okay, just remember these are PSATs, okay, so it's like the Baby Gap, they don't count as much. Plus, you can take them over again. Plus, you are very young and have years of learning ahead of you and the really important thing is that you tried very hard.

RORY

I got a 740 verbal and a 760 math.

LORELAI

Ugh, thank God you're not an idiot.

RORY

I got a 740 verbal and a 760 math?

LORELAI

Those are damn good scores little lady, really. Amazing, top notch. Those are PSAT-rific. Sorry, it was just lying there, I had to go for it. You're frowning.

RORY

How did I get a higher score in math?

LORELAI

Who cares?

RORY

But I'm stronger in verbal. Verbal is my thing.

LORELAI

No, verbal's my thing.

RORY

Maybe I didn't study hard enough. Maybe I got cocky.

LORELAI

Maybe you need a major mud bath/salt glow/chill pill combo.

RORY

I'm just saying. . .

LORELAI

Rory, you got a great score.

RORY

Yeah but. . .

LORELAI

No, a great score.

RORY

A great score?

LORELAI

That is a score you have earned and you deserve and will allow you to look down on me for many years to come.

RORY

Okay.

LORELAI

Okay. So we should celebrate. Hey, how about we get all dressed up tonight and hit the Rocky Horror Picture Show?

RORY

Are you serious?

LORELAI

Please, I'm always serious.

RORY

Can I invite Lane?

LORELAI

Absolutely.

RORY

Okay. I hope she gets this in time. She's been kind of hard to reach lately.

LORELAI

Well, maybe she can't handle the pressure of having such a brilliant best friend. Brilliant in math, the verbal's kinda sad.

RORY

Thank you Mom.

LUKE

You're late.

LORELAI

Oh shoot, I am. I have to go. Hey, Rory kicked some major PSAT ass today.

LUKE

Yeah? Congratulations.

RORY

Thank you.

LORELAI

And to celebrate, we're gonna hit the Rocky Horror Picture Show tonight.

LUKE

Really?

LORELAI

Yes. I am Magenta, Rory usually opts for Janet, and I had a thought.

LUKE

Oh yeah?

LORELAI

Yeah. I was thinking that you could put on some fishnet stockings, a leather teddy, some platform boots, and go with us as Dr. Frank-N-Furter.

LUKE

Hmm. Well, now that is a thought.

LORELAI

You'll also need some gloves and a wig.

LUKE

Gloves, wigs, got it.

LORELAI

I'll do your makeup.

LUKE

Oh, that'll be a help.

LORELAI

There you go.

LUKE

Okay, sounds great.

LORELAI

Great. So eight o'clock, I'll swing around and get ya?

LUKE

Sure, good.

LORELAI

Good.

LUKE

Oh hey, if by some chance you knock on the door but no one answers even though all the lights are on, I'll just meet you there.

LORELAI

Okay.

LUKE

Okay.

LORELAI

So I'll see you tomorrow morning?

LUKE

Yeah, I'll be the one with the coffee.

LORELAI

[to Rory] Hey, make sure you gloat a little. It's good for the skin.

LORELAI

Agh! Rory!

RORY

So do you think the porch is falling apart or do you just weigh a ton?

LORELAI

The porch is fine. It just has a little extra ventilation in it now, that's all.

RORY

The wood is old and rotting.

LORELAI

The wood is not old and rotting, it is strong and sprightly and will be with us for a long, long time to come.

RORY

So you do weigh a ton?

KIRK

Well, I checked under the entire house.

LORELAI

And?

KIRK

You have termites.

LORELAI

What?

KIRK

Tens of thousands of them. Subterranean, dry wood, the whole gamut.

RORY

Gross.

KIRK

Four of them crawled up my noise.

LORELAI

Okay, Kirk.

KIRK

It happens all the time when you're upside down. To them the nostril looks just like another hollow passage in the wood. They're not too bright.

LORELAI

Okay, so, we have termites. So what do we - um, don't you want to come inside Kirk?

KIRK

Actually, I would prefer to discuss this outside.

LORELAI

Kirk?

KIRK

Okay, let's get down to it. From what I've just witnessed, your house is a bug-infested smorgasbord. Are those for me?

ORY

Oh, yeah. [hands him some waffles]

KIRK

Thanks.

LORELAI

But what do we do?

KIRK

Well. . .uh, if you don't mind, I'd prefer to discuss this on the lawn.

LORELAI

Why?

KIRK

Because this porch could give out on us at any minute.

LORELAI

Kirk, that's crazy. Kirk, stop, the porch is fine.

RORY

Your foot went through it this morning.

LORELAI

That was different, that wood was old.

RORY

What happened to sprightly?

LORELAI

Kirk, what are you doing?

KIRK

Just making sure that if the roof comes down, the debris can't ricochet over here and take me out.

LORELAI

Honey, in five more minutes, it won't need to.

KIRK

What?

LORELAI

Kirk, please, talk to me about the termites. What do I have to do, tent the place?

KIRK

To start with, yes.

RORY

To start with?

LORELAI

What does that mean?

KIRK

It means they've done some serious damage under there. They've eaten through the wooden joists. Your foundation has completely lost its structural integrity.

RORY

Mom, our house is falling down.

LORELAI

Okay, what do I have to do to fix this?

KIRK

You'd have to jack the house up, rebuild the jousts, and repair the weakened parts of the foundation.

LORELAI

All for the low, low price of?

KIRK

Well, I haven't done the exact estimate, but I'd say somewhere in the neighborhood of fifteen thousand dollars.

LORELAI

[laughs] Tell it to move to another neighborhood.

KIRK

I'm sorry?

LORELAI

Fifteen thousand dollars?

RORY

We're never eating again.

LORELAI

I don't have fifteen thousand dollars. I've never had fifteen thousand dollars. I'm trying to picture fifteen thousand dollars - I can't! That's how unfamiliar fifteen thousand dollars and I are with each other!

KIRK

Well, maybe you can just fix part of the house. Fix the part you like.

LORELAI

We like the entire house Kirk.

KIRK

Really? Even that kitchen?

LORELAI

Thanks for coming over Kirk.

KIRK

So what are you gonna do?

LORELAI

I don't know yet.

KIRK

Oh, 'cause you don't wanna wait too long to address this.

LORELAI

Yeah, I get that Kirk.

KIRK

You might wanna get the dishes out of there.

LORELAI

Good tip.

KIRK

Thanks for the waffles.

LORELAI

Thanks for the horrifying news.

KIRK

Any time. [leaves]

LORELAI

Look at it this way. The day's all uphill from here.

RORY

This is really bad.

LORELAI

Honey, don't worry. We'll figure something out.

RORY

Okay. We should get inside.

LORELAI

Yeah. After you.

LOUISE

Ten, eleven, twelve. Here.

MADELINE

Thanks. One, Two, Three. . .

LOUISE

I'm depressed.

MADELINE

Jeremy didn't call?

LOUISE

Not in a timely manner, no.

MADELINE

Well, good riddance to bad luggage.

LOUISE

I guess. I just thought we really connected the other day in the supply closet.

MADELINE

Boys. A Nancy Drew mystery.

PARIS

Louise, Madeline.

LOUISE

You look happy.

PARIS

Really? Huh.

MADELINE

What?

PARIS

Nothing. It's just a nice day. A nice, nice day.

MADELINE

Okay.

PARIS

So, did you get your PSAT scores back yet?

MADELINE

Oh yeah, yesterday.

PARIS

And?

MADELINE

500 verbal, 560 math.

PARIS

Respectable.

MADELINE

I thought so.

PARIS

Louise, what did you get?

LOUISE

Highlights, just around my face.

PARIS

You will take them again and do better.

LOUISE

I will take them again and get my nose done.

PARIS

You don't study, you don't apply yourself.

LOUISE

Blah, blah, blah. I need another chip.

MADELINE

Take them.

PARIS

So, I got my scores back today too.

MADELINE

Oh yeah?

PARIS

This morning. I just came downstairs and there they were, just sitting on the table. Boy, was I nervous, just imagining what I got. But then I realized that I'd have to open them eventually, and so I did. And was I surprised by what I found. Could've knocked me over with a feather. Yup, I was just that surprised.

RORY

So, what did you get?

PARIS

Well Rory, since you asked, and by the way I'm not bragging or anything, but I got a 750 math and a 730 verbal.

MADELINE

Wow, that is good.

LOUISE

Congratulations.

PARIS

Thank you.

RORY

Those are great scores.

PARIS

So, did you get your scores back yet?

RORY

Yup.

PARIS

And?

RORY

I'm happy.

PARIS

How happy?

RORY

Pretty happy.

PARIS

Yes, but how do I know that you're not one of those people who gets pretty happy looking at a sunset? How do I know what your barometer for being pretty happy is?

RORY

You don't.

PARIS

Right. So are you?

RORY

Am I what?

PARIS

Are you one of those people who gets pretty happy looking at a sunset?

RORY

I don't get unhappy looking at a sunset.

PARIS

What did you get?

RORY

That's personal.

PARIS

Why won't you tell me?

RORY

'Cause it's none of your business.

PARIS

Okay, fine, don't tell me what you got.

RORY

I won't.

PARIS

Why won't you tell me your score?

RORY

Bye Paris.

PARIS

You're not torturing me, you know. I don't care. My scores were great. I'm very, very happy with my scores. And I hate looking at a sunset so my standard for happiness is high!

LORELAI

Rory, wake up.

RORY

What's going on?

LORELAI

I can hear them chewing.

RORY

Who?

LORELAI

The termites. I hear them. They're everywhere, nibbling and eating and swallowing.

RORY

You're insane.

LORELAI

I can't sleep here.

RORY

What?

LORELAI

No, we have to go to Sookie's.

RORY

You're kidding right?

LORELAI

Unh uh.

RORY

It's eleven o'clock at night.

LORELAI

Yeah, well, here. But somewhere in the world it's still Miller time.

RORY

Mom, you're wigging. Go put on some imaginary earplugs to drown out the imaginary termite sounds and go back to sleep.

LORELAI

But -.

RORY

Bed.

LORELAI

But -.

RORY

Now.

LORELAI

But - ugh. You really don't hear them?

RORY

No, and as soon as you're asleep, you won't either.

LORELAI

Okay, fine. Goodnight

RORY

Goodnight.

RORY

Ugh, I feel like they're crawling all over me.

LORELAI

Ugh, I know, with their creepy little fangy teeth and their tail things and their pointy tentacles.

RORY

You have no idea what a termite looks like, do you?

LORELAI

Hey, unless they're wearing a foundation repair guy T-shirt, I don't really care.

RORY

Are you sure Sookie was up?

LORELAI

Yeah, she answered the phone.

RORY

After how many rings?

LORELAI

I don't know, twenty or thirty.

RORY

Mom, she was sleeping.

LORELAI

No, no, she's just deaf in one ear.

RORY

Since when?

LORELAI

Now, apparently.

RORY

What?

LORELAI

Well, you would have to be deaf in one ear not to hear the phone ring twenty or thirty times.

SOOKIE

They're they are, my little termite whisperers.

LORELAI

Hey Sookie, sorry to call so late.

RORY

And so incessantly.

LORELAI

Well I'm sorry, they were getting organized. I heard one of them yell charge.

RORY

We will make this up to you Sookie.

SOOKIE

What are you talking about? This is great. It'll be like a slumber party.

RORY

Are you sure?

SOOKIE

Absolutely. We can raid the fridge. We can make a nice avocado- mango face mask. Get out the tarot cards, tell fortunes, play Twister, make a Häagen-Dazs chocolate chocolate chip ice cream milkshake, and we'll watch Purple Rain. . .

LORELAI

Sookie, it's midnight.

SOOKIE

Okay, let's go straight for the milkshakes.

LORELAI

Good thinking.

RORY

I'm gonna put my stuff in the guest room.

LORELAI

Sookie, I really appreciate you letting us crash here tonight. It was so creepy just lying there listening to a thousand tiny little insects just mocking me. 'Ha ha, we're eating your house, try and stop us.'

SOOKIE

When are you going to tent?

LORELAI

Next week.

SOOKIE

Ugh, that sucks.

LORELAI

Two thousand dollars.

SOOKIE

That sucks.

LORELAI

And after the two thousand dollar circus tent fiasco, I have to find another fifteen thousand dollars to keep my house from falling down.

SOOKIE

Aw honey.

LORELAI

I like that house.

SOOKIE

I know you do.

LORELAI

I don't want it to fall down.

SOOKIE

I know you don't.

LORELAI

So anyway, I called the bank today.

SOOKIE

How did that go?

LORELAI

Well, it - wait, yeah, oh, what's that? Yeah, they're still laughing.

SOOKIE

What?

LORELAI

Yeah, they passed the phone around, made me ask everyone in the place.

SOOKIE

That is terrible! Ugh, completely heartless.

LORELAI

According to the jolly bankers, I'm worth nothing.

SOOKIE

There still has to be something you can do.

LORELAI

I was thinking about opening a Coyote Ugly lemonade stand.

SOOKIE

Interesting.

RORY

What's interesting?

LORELAI

Mm, nothing, nothing. Just that your mom is apparently one of the biggest losers in Stars Hollow.

RORY

Okay, continue.

SOOKIE

I think you should call them again tomorrow.

LORELAI

No, uh, Sookie. . .

SOOKIE

No, I mean it. I mean, you're an upstanding citizen, you're an active part of the community.

RORY

Yeah, you made all of the donkey outfits for the Christmas festival last year.

SOOKIE

You organized the Save the Historic Oak Tree campaign.

RORY

And you played Tevye in the, uh, Stars Hollow Community Theater production of Fiddler on the Roof.

LORELAI

Yes, well, five and a half stars from the Stars Hollow Gazette, unheard of 'til that time.

SOOKIE

They should take that into account.

RORY

Yes, they should.

LORELAI

Yes, they should, but they won't.

SOOKIE

Hey, uh, I bet there's a room at the inn you could stay in, part time at least.

LORELAI

Sookie, what was that?

SOOKIE

What?

LORELAI

That noise.

SOOKIE

What noise?

LORELAI

Sookie, a huge thud just came from your closet.

SOOKIE

Oh, yeah, that's my shoes.

LORELAI

Your shoes?

SOOKIE

Yeah, that's my shoe closet, and um, sometimes I don't, uh, stack them properly and then, uh, they fall and then there's a thudding sound and then, uh, no, you, uh, and that's probably the sound that you just heard. Ooh, the ice cream's getting, uh, melted so you better -.

LORELAI

Jackson?

JACKSON

Yes?

LORELAI

How're you doing?

JACKSON

I'm doing fine, you?

LORELAI

Sookie, Jackson's hiding in the closet.

SOOKIE

Yes he is.

LORELAI

Why didn't you say something?

SOOKIE

Well, because you were upset and you were bringing Rory over and I didn't want her to feel weird or uncomfortable.

LORELAI

So you stuck Jackson in the closet?

JACKSON

Yes she did.

RORY

Jackson, come out.

JACKSON

I'm in my pajamas.

LORELAI

So are we.

JACKSON

Yeah, but mine are humiliating.

LORELAI

We won't laugh.

JACKSON

Yes you will.

RORY

I promise we won't.

JACKSON

I'm fine.

LORELAI

Well, are you gonna be fine in there all night 'cause that's how long we're staying - all night.

RORY

And knowing Sookie, she's gonna make a big breakfast.

LORELAI

That's right, so tonight will last until late tomorrow morning, so the bottom line for you here buddy is you're gonna be holed up in that closet a very, very long time.

JACKSON

If I come out, you have to understand one thing.

LORELAI

Okay.

JACKSON

I have a cousin who owns a Xerox company that specializes in taking pictures and making them into things - calendars, coffee mugs, collector plates, and pajamas.

LORELAI

Jackson's wearing picture pajamas?

SOOKIE

Yes he is.

LORELAI

Does he do this often?

SOOKIE

Almost every night.

RORY

What are the pictures of?

SOOKIE

Him.

LORELAI

Oh!

SOOKIE

During high school.

LORELAI

Ahh!

SOOKIE

In his wrestling uniform.

LORELAI

Jackson, you have to come out here right now!

JACKSON

No.

LORELAI

Why?

JACKSON

Because you sound too eager.

LORELAI

I'm not eager, am I eager?

RORY

Put your paws down.

LORELAI

Jackson, I'm not eager. I just want you to come out here and be comfortable, that's all.

JACKSON

Well, okay.

LORELAI

Huh.

SOOKIE

Okay, well honey, we're making milkshakes, you wanna come in and help?

JACKSON

Okay.

LORELAI

[quietly to Rory] If our house does fall down and we end up living in a hollowed out tree, this moment might make it all worth it.

RORY

Hello? Lane?

MRS. KIM

What are you doing here?

RORY

Mrs. Kim, hi. I was just - .

MRS. KIM

Out.

RORY

What?

MRS. KIM

Out, out, out!

RORY

But I wiped off my feet.

MRS. KIM

Move! Move!

RORY

I was just looking for Lane and I thought that maybe she was - .

MRS. KIM

Taylor says you have termites.

RORY

I don't have termites, my house does.

MRS. KIM

You are a carrier.

RORY

I don't think you can really be a termite carrier.

MRS. KIM

You'll spread it all over town.

RORY

Mrs. Kim, I swear, we don't control the termites. They move around on their own.

MRS. KIM

See all the furniture in there? Wood, all wood. You must go. Go now!

RORY

Can you just tell me if Lane is home?

MRS. KIM

No.

RORY

Well, do you know where she is?

MRS. KIM

School.

RORY

Still?

MRS. KIM

Yes, still. She's there, she's studying. What's that moving by your foot?

RORY

What?

MRS. KIM

I see something moving by your foot.

RORY

Nope, there's nothing, I swear.

RORY

Agh! Will you tell her I came by?

RORY

And then she chased me halfway down the street with the hose. It was like a scene from Silkwood.

LORELAI

Ugh, news travels way too fast around here.

RORY

Four people asked me when we were tenting, two people asked me if we were moving, and one person asked me if we were atheists.

LORELAI

See, we have to stop talking to people. We have to stay at home with the curtains drawn collecting stacks of old newspapers, muttering to each other, eating nothing but Cup of Soup and Slim Jims.

RORY

Hello?

MADELINE

Hi Rory, it's Madeline.

RORY

Oh, hi.

MADELINE

Listen, I have to ask you a little favor.

RORY

Okay.

MADELINE

Well, see, I'm working on an article for the Franklin - totally last minute. But I thought it would be really interesting to compare Chilton's overall PSAT scores to other prep schools in the area.

RORY

Uh huh.

MADELINE

So I'm trying to compile a list of people's scores, especially the top students, and I realized I don't have yours yet.

RORY

Oh, so you wanna know my PSAT scores?

MADELINE

Yes, that would be great.

RORY

Put Paris on the phone.

MADELINE

Excuse me?

RORY

Paris, let me talk to her.

MADELINE

Oh, Paris isn't here. I don't know where she is. She's probably at her house, or maybe at the library, or maybe she's buying pencils because she goes through them so fast 'cause she pushes down on them really hard and then they break and . . .

RORY

Madeline.

MADELINE

Hold on. [hands phone to Paris]

PARIS

What?

RORY

Pathetic.

PARIS

Why won't you tell me?

RORY

Bye Paris.

PARIS

Tell me those scores, I have to know! Rory?

LORELAI

Paris again?

RORY

Yup.

LORELAI

God. You know, I think if we put Paris and my mother in a room together, the world would implode.

RORY

I'll keep that in mind for the next science fair.

LORELAI

Enough. Now I've got computer screens feeling sorry for me.

RORY

Geez, how many places is that?

LORELAI

Aw honey, it's not the amount of places that turns you down that matters, it's the quality of the place that turns you down that matters. And when you've got Jacko's Loans and Stuff not wanting your business, you know it's time to hang out with the Coreys.

RORY

I'm sorry.

LORELAI

It's okay. I won't think about it tonight. I'll think about it tomorrow - at Tara. You ready?

RORY

One sec. You know Mom, I hate to bring this up, but I think there's a really obvious solution to our problem.

LORELAI

I know hon.

RORY

You do?

LORELAI

Yes. And frankly, I think if I sold you into white slavery, I would miss you.

RORY

Mom.

LORELAI

Rory, please don't go where you're going.

RORY

I think they would say yes.

LORELAI

Of course they would say yes. And that yes would be followed by, 'Okay, okay, enough already. My God, please stop. I'm a shell, I've got nothing left to give.'

RORY

That's not true.

LORELAI

That is completely true.

RORY

Grandma and Grandpa would wanna help.

LORELAI

Rory, I went to my parents for you for Chilton. Why? Because that was worth all the obligation. This is not.

RORY

This is our home.

LORELAI

Yes, and I'll find a way to fix it.

RORY

But how?

LORELAI

I don't know yet.

RORY

Well if you don't know yet, then maybe there's not another way.

LORELAI

There's always another way.

RORY

Was there another way with Chilton?

LORELAI

That was different.

RORY

Why was that different?

LORELAI

Because I said that was different and I'm the one doing the groveling and the groveling gets you judgment rights and I am judging that this is different.

RORY

Well, the remaining judge begs to differ.

LORELAI

Rory, I know you mean well, but I'm not gonna deal with my parents on this one, okay?

RORY

Mom.

LORELAI

No.

RORY

You're being stubborn.

LORELAI

Oh no, have I shocked you?

RORY

Fine, let's go.

RORY

So where's Grandpa tonight?

EMILY

He's at work.

LORELAI

Mom, did you explain to him that part of the quitting process means you don't go back to the job you quit?

EMILY

He did not quit, he resigned.

LORELAI

Hmm, same rules apply.

EMILY

No, when you resign you have to put in a certain amount of time to get things in order. He has clients to see, certain accounts to close out.

RORY

Is that hard for him?

EMILY

Actually, I think he's rather enjoying it.

RORY

Well good.

EMILY

Yes, it is good. [sees Lorelai taking a pill] What are you taking?

LORELAI

Roofies.

RORY

Aspirin.

EMILY

Are you getting sick?

LORELAI

No, I just have a headache.

EMILY

Well having a headache means you're sick. You think it's normal to have a headache?

LORELAI

No, I just have a tension headache.

EMILY

Well, what do you have to be tense about?

LORELAI

Oh, well, I can't begin to think.

EMILY

You should lie down.

LORELAI

I'm fine.

EMILY

You work too hard.

LORELAI

No, I don't.

EMILY

If you didn't work so hard you wouldn't have a tension headache.

LORELAI

It's not a work tension headache, Mom.

EMILY

So then you are sick?

LORELAI

Actually, I am, I'm sick.

EMILY

I knew it, what's wrong?

LORELAI

Consumption with a touch of the vapors. I'm going for a leeching tonight after coffee.

RORY

She's got a case of exterminator-itis.

EMILY

What's that mean?

LORELAI

Nothing.

RORY

We have termites.

EMILY

Oh that's terrible!

LORELAI

It's not so bad.

RORY

They're eating our whole house.

LORELAI

But they always say thank you.

EMILY

What does that mean, they're eating your whole house?

LORELAI

Rory.

RORY

Well, we found out that we have all these foundation problems and it's going to be very expensive to fix and Mom can't get a loan.

LORELAI

That is not true.

RORY

You've been turned down by five banks.

LORELAI

Hey, I made up Jacko's Loans and Stuff.

RORY

Fine, four banks.

LORELAI

Mom, uh, wait. What are you doing?

EMILY

I'm writing you a check.

LORELAI

No you're not. Okay, hold on here.

EMILY

How much do you need?

LORELAI

Nothing.

EMILY

Don't be ridiculous, just tell me how much.

LORELAI

I can handle this.

EMILY

It doesn't sound like you can handle it.

LORELAI

Well, I can.

EMILY

Fine, if you won't tell me how much, I'll leave the amount blank and you can fill it in later.

LORELAI

Mom, stop. [takes Emily's pen out of her hand and walks back to the couch]

EMILY

You took my pen!

LORELAI

Mom, I appreciate the thought, but I don't need your money.

EMILY

So you'd rather have your house fall down then let your mother help you?

LORELAI

Mom, the house is not gonna fall down. Let's not make this a big issue. Let's just sit down and have a drink and have dinner, okay?

EMILY

All right.

LORELAI

Thank you

EMILY

Are you going to give me back my pen?

LORELAI

Yeah, after dinner.

RORY

Mom, stop it. Talk to me. [Lorelai ignores her and goes upstairs] It's been two hours since you've even looked in my direction.

RORY

Okay, I get it, you're mad.

LORELAI

Rory, I do not want to talk about this right now.

ORY

You were just being stubborn.

LORELAI

Go to bed.

RORY

Well you didn't want to ask for help, so I did.

LORELAI

Hey, do you remember the conversation we had before we left this house tonight?

RORY

Yes, but -.

LORELAI

I told you going to my parents was not an option.

RORY

I know, but -.

LORELAI

In fact, I told you several times that asking my parents was not an option. Now yes, I might have made a few quips to lighten the subject matter, but I still think I made my point pretty damn clear.

RORY

Fine, but we have a real problem here.

LORELAI

Oh, you think I don't know that? You think I sit around all day swapping witticisms with Robert Benchley at the Algonquin? No! I am thinking and worrying and using the computer and I hate using the computer!

RORY

Which is exactly why I brought this up.

LORELAI

You had no right to bring it up!

RORY

Why?

LORELAI

Because I told you not to, that's why!

RORY

But -.

LORELAI

No, there are no buts! There will be no buts here! There's 'I'm sorry Mom', there's 'I screwed up Mom', there's 'I'll never do it again Mom', but there are no buts!

RORY

But -.

LORELAI

Out!

RORY

Mom!

LORELAI

Go to bed. We're done.

DEAN

Think fast! Very good.

RORY

You threw a basketball at my head.

DEAN

No, I threw a basketball past your head.

RORY

What if I had turned around when you said that?

DEAN

Then you might've caught it, thereby completing the whole 'think fast' equation.

RORY

I don't catch basketballs.

DEAN

Duly noted.

RORY

I don't even like basketballs.

DEAN

Okay, I'm very sorry.

RORY

In fact, out of all the sporting balls in the world, the basketball is probably my least favorite.

DEAN

Rory.

RORY

They're round and hard.

DEAN

Rory.

RORY

And they're orange.

DEAN

And you do realize how insane you sound right now?

RORY

Yes.

DEAN

Okay, just checking.

RORY

I'm sorry, I'm in a horrible mood.

DEAN

Hadn't noticed.

RORY

It's just, we've had fights before.

DEAN

You and me?

RORY

Me and Mom.

DEAN

Ah.

RORY

But this one is particularly crazy. I mean, we have a situation here and she's being so stubborn.

DEAN

Huh.

RORY

What?

DEAN

What what?

RORY

What was with the huh?

DEAN

Nothing.

RORY

No, there was a meaning behind that huh. That was a loaded huh. That was not a normal huh. You meant to say something with that huh, and now you're taking it back.

DEAN

Okay, now. . .

RORY

Don't use that kind of huh if you're not prepared to defend it. Why aren't you saying anything?

DEAN

Because words are a very dangerous thing right now.

RORY

You were saying that I'm stubborn just like my mother.

DEAN

I was saying that in addition to all of the wonderful amazing qualities that the two of you share there is possibly, on occasion, a similar tendency to dig your heels in.

RORY

I hate it when we fight.

DEAN

I know.

RORY

She was so mad.

DEAN

Well you'll make up. You wanna get a coffee?

RORY

Yeah.

DEAN

All right, I'll go get my ball.

DEAN

If it makes you feel any better, a car ran over it.

RORY

I need to get coffee now.

LORELAI

Hi Mr. Regalsky, it's Lorelai Gilmore. Again, yes, just like the pink bunny with the drum. Uh, anyway, I was wondering if, um, you have had a chance to reconsider my loan? . . . Uh, no, I think it's Energizer. . . I know you said no, but um, you know sometimes people say no and then they wake up one morning a couple of days later and think, 'Hey, maybe I shouldn't have turned down that nice single mom with the good job and the great credentials and the references up the wazoo' . . . I do like the word wazoo. . . I understand. . .Okay, well, I'll give you a call in a couple of days then. . . Thank you. [hangs up]

MICHEL

Perhaps you are taking the wrong approach.

LORELAI

Meaning?

MICHEL

Well, you've tried to convince them of your virtue, perhaps it's time to offer them a lap dance. You didn't.

LORELAI

I was kidding, sort of.

MICHEL

Oh dear.

LORELAI

Well I have to do something and I'm not sure exactly where to draw the line.

MICHEL

You know in Thailand, women do this trick with a Ping-Pong ball that is a big crowd pleaser.

LORELAI

Line drawn, thank you.

MICHEL

Independence Inn, Michel speaking. Ah, yes. She is right here. [hands phone to Lorelai] Your mother.

LORELAI

Hi mom.

EMILY

Lorelai, I called to tell you I talked to Miles Hahn today.

LORELAI

Well, that sounds very nice, I'm glad.

EMILY

You have any idea who Miles Hahn is?

LORELAI

Not a bit.

EMILY

He's the president of the First National Bank. We've been doing business with him for years. He's become a very dear friend of ours actually.

LORELAI

What does that have to do with me Mom?

EMILY

Well, I brought up your little dilemma to him.

LORELAI

Oh boy.

EMILY

And he told me that if you were in the mood to come talk to him, you could feel free to do so. On Thursday, at 3:15.

LORELAI

So you wrangled me a meeting at your bank?

EMILY

I asked a friend for advice.

LORELAI

What else did you ask him for Mom?

EMILY

Lorelai, I simply asked a man to talk to you. What you talk about or what comes out of that talk is strictly up to you.

LORELAI

Well, thanks Mom, but I'm fine.

EMILY

So you got a loan?

LORELAI

I got a lead.

EMILY

A lead on a loan?

LORELAI

Yes.

EMILY

How nice. Now if you could just get an actual loan.

LORELAI

Okay Mom, I gotta get back to work.

EMILY

Thursday at 3:15.

LORELAI

Mom, tell your friend thank you, but I'm afraid I won't be able to make it.

EMILY

He'll be there whether you show up or not, it's up to you. All I did was make an appointment Lorelai, that's all.

LORELAI

Great. Bye Mom. [hangs up, then dials a number] Hi, Mr. Regalsky please? It's Lorelai Gilmore. . . Oh, I just spoke to him five minutes ago. . . . When do you expect him back from France?

DEAN

Okay, so uh, I'll call you later.

RORY

Thanks for the coffee.

DEAN

You're welcome. [they kiss] Bye.

RORY

Bye. [Rory kisses him again] That's for me not thinking fast.

DEAN

Please never think fast again.

RORY

I'll try my hardest.

LANE

We need to talk.

RORY

Okay, let's talk. Nice outfit.

LANE

Thank you.

RORY

So I guess this is why you've been AWOL for the past couple of weeks?

LANE

Pretty much.

RORY

So what, you just had the urge to stand on top of another girl's shoulders?

LANE

Don't be like that.

RORY

Like what?

LANE

Like you're being. It makes it impossible to tell you.

RORY

You didn't tell me.

LANE

I know.

RORY

Why?

LANE

Because.

RORY

Okay, have you ever thought of being a prosecutor because I think you've got real potential.

LANE

I didn't tell you because I knew you'd act like this.

RORY

No, I'm acting like this because you didn't tell me.

LANE

Oh, so if I'd come up to you and I'd said, 'Rory, I'm wanna become a cheerleader,' you would've said. . .

RORY

Why?

LANE

Exactly.

RORY

Exactly what? Lane, this is weird. I mean, we always used to make fun of cheerleaders. You and I, we would rag on Janie Fertman and hide during pep rallies and now all of a sudden, you're peppy.

LANE

I'm not peppy.

RORY

Well you look peppy.

LANE

Look, you're not around much anymore.

RORY

Oh, so this is my fault?

LANE

And you have Dean.

RORY

So this is his fault?

LANE

It's just . . .I don't know. I don't know why. I just wanted to do it. I just wanted to try it, and I don't feel like I should have to justify it to you or explain it to you or...

RORY

Then don't!

LANE

Fine I won't.

RORY

Okay.

LANE

All right. I forgot my pom.

RORY

Your what?

LANE

Two are pompoms, one's a pom!

LORELAI

Well, how's it look?

LUKE

It's dark. Hand me the flashlight.

LORELAI

Why don't you have one of those hats with the lights on them?

LUKE

I flip burgers for a living.

LORELAI

Right, right.

LUKE

Okay. I think I've seen enough. [comes out from under the porch]

LORELAI

Well how was it? Was there like a termite housing development under there? Golf courses and condos with rec rooms?

LUKE

It's actually not too bad.

LORELAI

Well what do you know? You flip burgers for a living.

LUKE

I mean, there's definitely a little damage.

LORELAI

Yeah, but Kirk says that the joists were totally gone.

LUKE

Yeah, they are.

LORELAI

And that the foundation has lost all its structural integrity.

LUKE

That's true too.

LORELAI

Okay great, so I'm still screwed.

LUKE

Not necessarily.

LORELAI

Luke, I need fifteen thousand dollars which I can't find, don't have, and if I don't find, the house is gonna fall down.

LUKE

I can help you with that.

LORELAI

You can?

LUKE

Yeah, I can get a couple guys, we can get in there and do the work.

LORELAI

You can fix this?

LUKE

Well, I can help. I know a good contractor. He did some work on the diner.

LORELAI

What about the money?

LUKE

Um, you won't have to deal with that right away.

LORELAI

I won't?

LUKE

No, you can pay it out in installments if you want. Monthly, bimonthly, whatever - whatever you're comfortable with.

LORELAI

So, let me get this straight. Uh, you and some guys who actually know what they're doing are gonna come over and fix my house, and I can pay them back whenever I want?

LUKE

That's right.

LORELAI

'Cause I'm Tony Soprano?

LUKE

Only scarier.

LORELAI

Now Luke, when I finally do make out this installment check, uh, who should I make it out to?

LUKE

Well, you can make it out to me if you like.

LORELAI

Oh, so basically you would be fronting me the money?

LUKE

Well, yeah, but it's no big deal.

LORELAI

Luke, that's a loan.

LUKE

No, it's just a temporary exchange of money for services that will be paid back when you finally have the. . . it's a loan.

LORELAI

Man, you suck as a liar. Thank you.

LUKE

You're welcome.

LORELAI

I can't take it.

LUKE

I know, but it was worth a shot.

LORELAI

Hey, uh, Dean called twice.

RORY

Rah, rah, rah. [goes into the house]

LUKE

You two. . .

LORELAI

Don't ask.

LUKE

Okay. So what are you gonna do?

LORELAI

Oh, excuse me, could you tell me where Mr. Hahn's office is?

WOMAN

Yeah, it's right there.

LORELAI

Oh, thank you.

LORELAI

You are not seriously sitting there.

EMILY

No, it's a hologram. Lifelike, isn't it?

LORELAI

Mom, why are you here?

EMILY

I just wanted to see if you'd show up.

LORELAI

I did.

EMILY

I see.

LORELAI

Mom, you said you made this appointment for me. Not you, me.

EMILY

I did. But I know Miles and I thought my presence in there would - .

LORELAI

Ooh, ooh. In where?

EMILY

In the meeting.

LORELAI

Okay. Bye.

EMILY

Where are you going? Come back here. Lorelai!

EMILY

Lorelai, stop. Will you stop already?

LORELAI

I'm leaving Mom.

EMILY

Why, because I'm here?

LORELAI

This is a business meeting. I'm not going in there with my Mommy, especially since I left my blankie at home.

EMILY

You're being stubborn and short sided.

LORELAI

Call it whatever you want.

EMILY

I don't understand why you would let your silly pride keep you from fixing your home.

LORELAI

I don't understand why you can't physically stop yourself from butting in where you don't belong.

EMILY

I made this appointment.

LORELAI

Against my will.

EMILY

You needed it.

LORELAI

I didn't ask for it.

EMILY

Lorelai, this man can solve your problems, don't you understand that?

LORELAI

Fine. I'll go in, you go home.

EMILY

I can't go home now, his assistant already knows I'm here. It would be rude.

LORELAI

Okay, here's the deal. We will both go in. You will go in that room but you will not say a word.

EMILY

What? But I couldn't possibly just - .

LORELAI

You'll say hello, you'll ask how his wife is, and that's it. After that, you will say nothing, you will do nothing, you will sit in the corner and offer no opinions and pull a full-on Clarence Thomas, am I making myself perfectly clear?

EMILY

Lorelai.

LORELAI

It's the only way I'm doing this, Mom.

EMILY

All right, I'll be quiet. I will, I promise.

LORELAI

I swear, one of these days, Alice. Pow! Right to the moon.

EMILY

What on earth are you talking about? Who's Alice?

MILES

Oh, there you are. I thought you were here, I come out and you were gone.

EMILY

Oh, well, we left something in the car.

LORELAI

Oh, yeah, she left something in the car, not me. I never leave anything in the car 'cause that would be irresponsible and forgetful, two things which I am not.

EMILY

Miles, this is my daughter Lorelai.

MILES

Well hello. It's a thrill to finally meet you.

LORELAI

Same here, thank you.

MILES

Would you two like some coffee?

LORELAI

No.

EMILY

Coffee would be wonderful, thank you.

MILES

Coming right up. [walks away]

LORELAI

Hi, what happened to you not saying anything?

EMILY

Accepting coffee is merely being sociable. Besides, I haven't asked how his wife is yet.

MILES

Okay, coffee's on its way. Why don't we go on in and sit down?

EMILY

That would be lovely.

MILES

So I understand that Richard's retiring.

EMILY

Yes, he's going to be a man of leisure.

MILES

Well, how nice. Any big plans?

EMILY

Actually, an around the world trip has been discussed.

LORELAI

Really? Any dates set?

EMILY

No, not yet.

LORELAI

Just checking.

MILES

Ah, Marnie, thank you. So I guess we should probably get down to business. Lorelai, your mother tells me you're having a little trouble finding a loan.

LORELAI

Yes I am. Um, you know, before we talk about this - it's so funny - my mom has just been dying to ask you how your wife is doing. Right mom?

EMILY

Yes, how is Sheryl?

MILES

Why, she's fine.

LORELAI

Okay, good, now that we got that out of the way, about my situation.

MILES

Well, Emily tells me that you have termites.

LORELAI

Yes, we do. And unfortunately they have damaged the foundation of my house.

MILES

That could be terrible. I remember when you and Richard had that foundation problem a couple years ago. What, you had a flood in your basement, wasn't that it?

EMILY

Well, actually -.

LORELAI

You know, Mr. Hahn, I appreciate you taking the time to meet with me today, and I know that the only reason you did is because of my mother, but she's really here today as a kind of silent participant. Uh, not even actually a participant, just a ... silent. Um, so I would appreciate it if you would treat me just like any other person who was walking in off the street and asking for a loan.

MILES

Oh, well, of course. If that's what you'd like.

LORELAI

It is, thank you. Now, I've brought, um, all my previous loan documents and also my bank statements, numerous recommendations including a letter from my employer which just basically says that she's not gonna fire me before you get your money back.

MILES

Oh, you've taken out two previous loans on this house?

LORELAI

Um, yes.

MILES

And this is the estimated worth of the house?

LORELAI

Well, uh, yes.

MILES

And this is the amount in your savings account?

LORELAI

Yes.

MILES

Any other accounts not listed here?

LORELAI

No.

MILES

Any other collateral not listed here?

LORELAI

No.

MILES

Well Ms. Gilmore, I'm sorry, I can't help you.

LORELAI

Uh, that's it? So fast? You didn't even look at the letters of recommendation.

MILES

Well I'm sure you're a well liked person, Ms. Gilmore. Unfortunately being well liked is not grounds for granting a loan.

LORELAI

Oh, but I am good for the money. I, uh, pay off all my debts and I work really hard. I've been the executive manager of the Independence Inn for the last four years now.

MILES

Ms. Gilmore, this is not a reflection of you as a person. It's simply a case where you don't have what the bank requires of every other person off the street to qualify for a loan. Therefore, there's nothing I can do.

LORELAI

Well now, just think about this because, uh, I have a kid and she's gotten awfully used to the whole concept of having a roof over her head.

MILES

I'm sorry.

LORELAI

I can't leave without this loan.

MILES

Well, I'm sorry.

LORELAI

No, I mean it. I can't leave without knowing there's a way that I can save my house, so I'm just asking you to take five minutes and think of something, anything that I can do to get this money.

MILES

Well, you can get someone to cosign the loan with you.

LORELAI

That's it? That's my only option?

MILES

I'm afraid so.

LORELAI

You knew about this, didn't you? Mom?

EMILY

Hm?

LORELAI

Would you be willing. . .

EMILY

It would be my pleasure.

MILES

Wonderful. I'll have the papers drawn up today. Would you like some more coffee?

EMILY

I would love some, thank you.

EMILY

Well, I think that went very well.

LORELAI

So what's the new arrangement gonna be?

EMILY

Excuse me?

LORELAI

Well, you helped me pay for Chilton, I gave you Friday night dinners, so what's this, Sunday night tea?

EMILY

Lorelai, I did this for your own good.

LORELAI

Wednesday night bridge club?

EMILY

Lorelai.

LORELAI

Monday night football?

EMILY

Stop it!

LORELAI

What Mom? Just please tell me, what do I owe you?

EMILY

You owe me nothing. I just wanted to do something nice for my daughter, that's all.

TAYLOR

It's already shaping up to be the best season ever, due in part to the recent arrival of our brand new basketball coach Lou Magillian, formerly the presiding legal counsel for the Chicago Bulls. Lou, come on up here and take a bow. Those other teams had better watch out, we've got one of the big boys on our side now, huh? Shaq who? And in addition to our new coach, we're extremely proud of our brand new uniforms, thoughtfully supplied by you, the citizens of Stars Hollow, and carefully cleaned by the good people at Tricky's Dry Cleaners. If it's sticky, try Tricky's. Let's hear it for Tricky! I'm telling you, they are terrific. Red and white, very durable, little stripes on the side - oh you know what, why don't you just see for yourselves. Come on, show 'em your uniforms.

PLAYER

Mr. Doose, it's freezing out here. Why don't you let 'em see it at the game?

TAYLOR

Young man, the people in this town paid good money for those uniforms. Now you show them what they paid for.

PLAYER

This is crazy.

TAYLOR

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the new uniforms of the fabulous fighting Minutemen.

BOOTSY

Oh look at them shivering up there. They're such wimps these days. When I was on the team, it was different. We were rowdy. Three of us would've been pantsed by now.

LORELAI

Hey.

RORY

Oh hey.

LORELAI

I got your note.

RORY

Yeah, well pinning it to the Mallomars is always a safe bet.

LORELAI

Oh, coffee?

RORY

Please.

LORELAI

So, um, Grandma and I went to the bank today.

RORY

How'd it go?

LORELAI

We got the loan.

RORY

Good. So then everything's okay?

LORELAI

Yeah, well. Wow, nice uniforms.

RORY

I'm sorry I told Grandma about it.

LORELAI

Aw hon, listen, there's gonna be a time in our lives where occasionally I'm gonna make a mistake. It hasn't happened yet, but it might.

RORY

Sure.

LORELAI

But I have earned the right to make that mistake, and I have earned the right to fix any problems without interference.

RORY

I just thought that they could help.

LORELAI

But I didn't want their help

RORY

But -.

LORELAI

Rory, have you ever been without food or clothes or books or book covers for that matter or anything else you ever needed?

RORY

No.

LORELAI

No, and see, the reason for that is me. I have a pretty good track record for keeping you alive.

RORY

Yeah, you do.

LORELAI

So when I tell you I can handle something, you need to respect that, especially since you have no evidence proving I won't. Understand?

RORY

Yeah, I understand. I'm sorry.

LORELAI

I officially declare this fight over.

RORY

I'll drink to that.

LORELAI

Is that Lane?

RORY

Yeah, that's Lane.

LORELAI

Hah.

RORY

Hey.

LANE

Hi.

RORY

So the music selection, yours I assume?

LANE

Yeah, there was a bit of an education process going on.

RORY

I liked it. Very John Waters.

LANE

Thank you.

RORY

I don't want you to think that you can't tell me things.

LANE

I don't wanna not tell you thing.

RORY

And this whole cheerleading thing...

LANE

I know it's weird.

RORY

No, it's not that weird. I mean, if you were doing it professionally, then it would be weird. But this, it looked fun.

LANE

It was fun.

RORY

And hey, you got them to cheer to Madness, so there must be some hope left in the world.

LANE

I want you rest assured that I remain me. I mean, Nico-obsessed, Exene wannabe with forty Korean bibles under her bed. I just bounce a little more.

RORY

So can cheerleaders get coffee?

LANE

Oh yeah, coffee's a must.

RORY

Yeah?

LANE

Keeps you perky.

LORELAI

So Mom, they started work on the house yesterday.

EMILY

Oh, good.

LORELAI

Yeah, these guys come at like the crack of dawn and all of a sudden there's all this hammering and drilling and dust flying everywhere.

RORY

It's pretty impressive actually.

LORELAI

They're a nice bunch too. And the best part is I've been out there like ten times to bring them coffee and I haven't seen a butt crack yet.

EMILY

How nice. They should paint that slogan on their truck. Excuse me.

LORELAI

Where you going?

EMILY

To get some more bread. [leaves room]

LORELAI

I think I'll go help.

RORY

I think that would be good.

LORELAI

Mom, I want to apologize to you.

EMILY

For what?

LORELAI

Ah, for doubting your motives in this whole loan thing. I'm just not used to people doing things without strings attached, that's all.

EMILY

By people, you mean me.

LORELAI

I don't know what I would've done without your help. I mean it. I was out of ideas and then out of the blue you make this call and cosign the loan with me. I'm really, really grateful.

EMILY

Well, that almost sounded sincere.

LORELAI

Yeah, I should've left off one of the reallys. That always tips it.

EMILY

All right, I accept your apology.

LORELAI

Thank you.

EMILY

By the way, I'm going to be having my DAR meetings at the inn from now on. I hope you don't mind. [walks away]

LORELAI

She's good.