T2E12: “Richard in Stars Hollow”

LORELAI

Thanks. Man, is it cold out there.

RORY

I know, I’m freezing.

EMILY

Well, come on in and sit by the fire. I’ll make you both a drink and then we can talk.

RORY

About what?

LORELAI

Antennas up.

RORY

Aye aye, captain.

EMILY

So Lorelai, how are you?

LORELAI

Um, I’m fine Mom.

EMILY

Rory?

RORY

I’m fine too, Grandma.

LORELAI

How are you Mom?

EMILY

Also fine.

LORELAI

Oh, look at that. All three of us fine, just like the Judds.

EMILY

So Lorelai, are you dating?

LORELAI

Uh, hm, no, I’m not dating.

EMILY

Really? There’s no one at all?

LORELAI

No, totally single.

EMILY

Any chance you’d get back with Max?

LORELAI

No Mom, there’s no chance.

EMILY

What about the man at the diner, the one who refuses to shave?

LORELAI

Luke, he’s just a friend Mom.

EMILY

Do you think you’ll be single your entire life?

LORELAI

Excuse me?

EMILY

I mean, in terms of your finding someone, what do you think the odds are?

LORELAI

Okay, what is going on?

EMILY

Well, I visited the family mausoleum today.

LORELAI

Never what you think it’s gonna be!

EMILY

I just wanted to check on things, make sure they were keeping it up, changing the flowers, you know.

LORELAI

Uh huh.

EMILY

So I went inside and looked around and it occurred to me that there’s a very limited space there.

LORELAI

Oh.

EMILY

Now of course there’s a slot open for me and Richard and you and Rory, but after the two of you – that’s it. No more room for anyone else.

LORELAI

Ah.

EMILY

Yes. So if you actually do meet someone someday, I don’t know where to put him.

LORELAI

Well, maybe we could just dump him at the local pool hall.

EMILY

Don’t be silly.

LORELAI

No, because this is definitely not a conversation for that.

EMILY

I looked into expanding into the crypt next door but the family that owns it wouldn’t even discuss it with me.

RORY

I’m getting a little creeped out here.

EMILY

So I talked to the head of the cemetery and he suggested that we buy an annex.

RORY

An annex?

EMILY

Yes.

LORELAI

You know, like an outlet store, it would specialize in the irregular family members.

EMILY

So if we do get the annex and you do eventually someday get married...

LORELAI

Mom, just say it – fat chance – will you?

EMILY

I just meant that we’ll have to decide who to move.

LORELAI

Oh, oh. Well, uh. . .ugh, why don’t we move Aunt Cecile? She was always so annoying at parties. She loved the knock-knock jokes.

RORY

Mom!

LORELAI

What?

RORY

You can’t just kick out Aunt Cecile.

LORELAI

Knock-knock. Who’s there? Pineapple. Pineapple who? That’s where it ended. Never fully grasped the knock-knock concept.

EMILY

She was a complete idiot. Okay, it’s decided – Cecile goes.

LORELAI

Good.

RORY

Look - put me in the annex.

LORELAI

Unh uh. No way. You are not leaving me alone in there with Cecile.

RORY

Well I’m not gonna be held responsible for somebody being kicked out of their eternal resting place.

LORELAI

Ooh, I have an idea. I’ll probably go first, right? So when Rory kicks, just throw her in with me.

RORY

I’d like my own space if you don’t mind.

LORELAI

Why? It’d totally be fun to be there together. Plus I plan to be buried with all the good CD’s and my rock star belt.

RICHARD

Sorry I’m late. What did I miss?

EMILY

We were just discussing who to move to the annex.

RICHARD

Oh. I vote for Cecile. Horrible woman, and those terrible jokes.

LORELAI

What’d I tell you?

RORY

This is a cold, cold family.

LORELAI

This is really good.

RORY

Yeah, what is it?

EMILY

Well, it -.

LORELAI

No, don’t tell us.

RORY

Why not?

LORELAI

Because every time in my life that I’ve tasted something great but I didn’t know what it was, it turned out to be something really disgusting that had I known what I was eating I never would’ve tried it in the first place.

RORY

Example?

LORELAI

Snails.

RORY

Gross.

LORELAI

Eat in ignorance and enjoy it, my friend.

RORY

Gladly.

LORELAI

So Dad, how’s the retired life treating you?

RICHARD

Well, fascinating actually. I find myself noticing things, everyday things that I must’ve witnessed a hundred times before but just walked right past. Like yesterday, your mother moved a vase, the one in the hall, and she didn’t do it in front of me.

LORELAI

Oh no, ‘cause nice girls never move vases in front of men.

RICHARD

And she only moved it a little but as I passed it by I noticed it had been moved.

RORY

Impressive.

RICHARD

And every day’s a new discovery. Your mother changed her hair. Or she wore shoes that didn’t match her purse.

EMILY

Richard.

RICHARD

Last Thursday.

EMILY

Oh, for heaven’s sake.

RICHARD

You know what else I noticed?

RORY

What?

RICHARD

A first edition Flaubert, mint condition, shoved behind several of my Churchill biographies.

RORY

No!

RICHARD

Interested?

RORY

My life is good.

RICHARD

Follow me.

LORELAI

Ooh Dad, see if you can find a pair of the new Chanel patent leather pirate boots stuffed back behind your Churchills.

RICHARD

Hmm.

LORELAI

What’s up Mom?

EMILY

Nothing’s up.

LORELAI

You were twitching. I saw you.

EMILY

You did not see me twitching.

LORELAI

Mom, when Dad was talking about the vase, you were pulling a full-on Tabitha.

EMILY

I did not pull a Tabitha.

LORELAI

Something wrong?

EMILY

No, nothing’s wrong.

LORELAI

Hm, okay, nothing’s wrong.

EMILY

It’s just that things are a little strange lately.

LORELAI

What is?

EMILY

Having him home.

LORELAI

Ah.

EMILY

We’ve never really been home at the same time. I mean, we got married, we went to Europe, we came back, he went to work, and it’s been that way ever since.

LORELAI

Well, so now it’s different.

EMILY

It’s very different. He’s always here – watching me and noticing when I move a vase and. . .I don’t know. It’s silly. So he noticed my hair was different. Women die for that sort of thing.

LORELAI

Aw Mom, it’s just an adjustment. You’ve had your routine, he’s had his routine. You guys just need to figure out a new routine.

EMILY

I guess so.

LORELAI

Yeah, it’ll just take some time. Then you’ll find your rhythm and he’ll go back to ignoring your hair, all will be well.

EMILY

Yes, you’re probably right.

LORELAI

Mm, I am right. Okay, I give. What is this?

EMILY

Sweetbreads.

LORELAI

Sweetbreads. So that’s uh. . .

EMILY

Pancreas.

PARIS

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

RORY

Paris.

PARIS

I’m not done.

RORY

Sorry.

PARIS

No.

LOUISE

Glad she finished that one.

PARIS

Why am I the only one who cares?

RORY

You’re not the only one who cares.

PARIS

No. I know you care, but I need everyone in this stupid room to care because I can’t be the only one to care. Besides you.

LOUISE

It’s just a contest Paris. It’s not like you get a car or a lifetime supply of Rice a Roni.

MADELINE

God, I love that stuff.

PARIS

The Oppenheimer Award for Excellence in school journalism is not a contest. It’s a statement. It says you’re the best. The best writers, the best reporters, the best editors. It says that you have crushed all others who have dared to take you on. It says that every other single school in the United States of America is feeling nothing but shame and defeat and pain because of the people who won the Oppenheimer plaque. I wanna be those people, I wanna cause that pain.

RORY

Our paper is good.

PARIS

Not good enough.

RORY

Last week’s issue - .

PARIS

Was a fine effort by a bunch of kids.

MADELINE

We are a bunch of kids.

PARIS

Not when we’re in this room, we’re not. Flescher Prep Gazette, Broadmouth Banner, Richmond Heights Chronicle - these publications are not our competition.

LOUISE

Geez.

PARIS

The New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, the Washington Post - these publications are our competition.

MADELINE

Paris has gone bye-bye.

PARIS

We need to raise the bar. We need to be better, think harder, dig deeper. I don’t wanna just submit a good issue. I wanna submit a great issue, the best issue.

RORY

When’s the deadline?

PARIS

One week from today.

RORY

Okay, so, then we better get brainstorming. Doe anyone have an idea for a theme?

PARIS

Yes.

RORY

What?

PARIS

The one that wins.

RORY

Okay, good, big help. All right everyone, we should get working. You’re going to give yourself a stroke one of these days, you know that.

EMILY

Graciela, I’m leaving the shopping list on the table here. And remember we need the low sudsing detergent. I have drawn a picture of what the box looks like, so for heaven’s sake pay attention this time.

EMILY

How was your walk?

RICHARD

Carl Lambertson needs a new roof. I’m going to drop him a note.

EMILY

Good idea.

RICHARD

Busy day?

EMILY

Mm, very.

RICHARD

Is that the same cup of coffee you had when I left?

EMILY

What?

RICHARD

When I left an hour ago, you were having a cup of coffee.

EMILY

Oh, no, this is a different cup of coffee.

RICHARD

So then that’s your third cup of coffee this morning?

EMILY

I guess.

RICHARD

Interesting. I just realized you have three cups of coffee in the morning.

EMILY

I don’t drink three cups of coffee every morning.

RICHARD

Every morning this week.

EMILY

Well, so what?

RICHARD

Nothing. Just an observation, that’s all. That’s a lot of coffee to drink early in the morning.

EMILY

Any thoughts on what you’d like for dinner tonight?

RICHARD

Oh no, anything’s fine.

EMILY

All right. [writes something down in her day planner]

RICHARD

What are you writing down?

EMILY

Lamb chops.

RICHARD

Is that for tonight?

EMILY

Yes.

RICHARD

Oh.

EMILY

Do you not want lamb chops tonight?

RICHARD

Oh, no no, lamb chops is just fine for tonight. I just thought a nice roast would also be nice for a change.

EMILY

Roast it is.

RICHARD

Of course, if you want lamb chops ...

EMILY

We’re having roast, Richard.

RICHARD

Okay, if that’s what you want.

EMILY

I’m going by the dry cleaners, anything you want me to drop off?

RICHARD

You’re going to the dry cleaners?

EMILY

Yes.

RICHARD

Well I’ll go with you.

EMILY

I can bring in whatever you have.

RICHARD

I know, but it’d be nice to go together.

EMILY

That would be terribly romantic, but I won’t have time to get back here before my DAR meeting so it’s probably better if I go alone. You can come to the cleaners with me next week.

RICHARD

Well yes, well I can go to the meeting with you.

EMILY

You want to go to my meeting of the Daughters of the American Revolution?

RICHARD

Well, well yes, I think it’d be fascinating.

EMILY

But I go straight from there to the symphony luncheon.

RICHARD

Well, I’ll tag along there too.

EMILY

Yes, but from there I get my hair done, and you certainly don’t want to sit around while I have my hair done.

RICHARD

No, I don’t.

EMILY

There you go.

RICHARD

Well, you can cancel that.

EMILY

I can’t cancel that. I get my hair done every Wednesday at three.

RICHARD

Well, your hair looks fine.

EMILY

My hair looks fine because I have my hair done every Wednesday at three.

RICHARD

Well then what am I going to do?

EMILY

Why don’t you go to the club?

RICHARD

What?

EMILY

Yes, the club! You spend a fortune to belong there and you never got to go much before. Why don’t you go there now?

RICHARD

Go to the club on a Wednesday afternoon?

EMILY

I think it would be perfect.

RICHARD

I don’t even know what they do at the club on a Wednesday afternoon.

EMILY

No time like the present to find out.

RICHARD

All right, I’ll go to the club.

EMILY

Wonderful. [starts walking him to the front door]

RICHARD

Go to the club on a Wednesday afternoon. Life certainly is an interesting game of cards, isn’t it?

EMILY

It certainly is.

RICHARD

Well, um, I’ll see you, uh, tonight.

EMILY

Have a good time. [closes door] Graciela, I need more coffee now!

LORELAI

How about a triple feature? Three Days of the Condor, Shoah and The Jerk?

RORY

Uh, Shoah’s like nine and a half hours.

LORELAI

But The Jerk is short.

RORY

Hmm, next.

LORELAI

The three faces of Costner – Bull Durham, Dances with Wolves, The Postman. Tom Petty playing Tom Petty, that great big speech about ‘Once upon a time there was a thing called mail.’ It’ll make you laugh, it’ll make you cry, it’ll make you wanna mail something.

RORY

Ooh, we could do a Ruth Gordon film festival. Harold and Maude, Rosemary’s Baby, and that really great episode of Taxi.

LORELAI

Got it. The worst film festival ever. Cool as Ice, Hudson Hawk, and Electric Bugaloo.

RORY

Sold.

LORELAI

I’ll get the Hawk.

RORY

I’ll get the Bugaloo.

BOY 1

See, I told you.

BOY 2

Wow.

RORY

Hey guys, can I get in there?

BOY 1

Oh, yeah. [both boys walk away]

LORELAI

Got it, plus four boxes of Red Vines.

RORY

Let’s go.

LORELAI

Hi Kirk.

KIRK

Evening Lorelai.

LORELAI

Um, I forgot my card at home but I think my number’s 6247.

KIRK

You forgot your card?

LORELAI

I might’ve lost it.

KIRK

You lost your card?

LORELAI

I might have.

KIRK

Was it temporary or laminated?

LORELAI

Laminated.

KIRK

That’s a permanent card. You lost a permanent card.

LORELAI

You can just get me a new card Kirk.

KIRK

Fine, but I hope you understand the gravity of the situation here.

LORELAI

I’m trying to grasp it.

KIRK

I mean, these cards are agreements. It’s an agreement between you and the Stars Hollow Video Store stating that you will take care of your card, that you will honor your card, that you will very, very nice to your card...

LORELAI

Kirk.

KIRK

I’ll be right back.

LORELAI

Thanks. [answers phone] Hello? Hello? [to Rory] Reception sucks in here, I’ll be right back.

RORY

Okay.

LORELAI

Hello? [walks away]

KIRK

It’ll be ready in a minute.

RORY

Hey Kirk, there are a couple of little kids over there and they’re, uh, looking at this tape cover that’s kind of mature. You might wanna put that stuff on a higher shelf or something.

KIRK

Mature? How mature?

RORY

Uh, it’s a half-naked woman just standing there.

KIRK

Is she a blonde?

RORY

What?

KIRK

I’ll check it out right now. [walks away]

LORELAI

Hey Mom, I can hear you now. What’s up?

EMILY

You have to take your father.

LORELAI

What?

EMILY

Tomorrow, for the whole day, just take him.

LORELAI

Take him where?

EMILY

I don't care -- the zoo, the mall, Rhode Island, just get him out of my house!

LORELAI

What happened?

EMILY

He's going to join my water aerobics class.

LORELAI

What?

EMILY

He bought some new swim trunks today. He's out of control.

LORELAI

Okay, Mom, calm down.

EMILY

I can't calm down! I can't turn around without him being there, following me, staring at me.

LORELAI

Well, he likes you.

EMILY

Don't be cute, do not be cute. The man is driving me insane. I am going to go insane, and if you don't help me, I will take you with me.

LORELAI

Okay, Mom, I would like to help you but wh --.

EMILY

You owe me!

LORELAI

What?

EMILY

I pay for Rory's school!

LORELAI

Are you serious?

EMILY

And I cosigned your loan! You still have a house because of me!

LORELAI

Are you hearing yourself?

EMILY

I'm sorry but I'm desperate. I just need one day of peace and I will do anything to get it, anything.

LORELAI

Okay Mom, fine, uh, I’ll take him.

EMILY

I can’t tell you how much I appreciate this.

RICHARD

[calls from another room] Emily! Where are you?

EMILY

I have to go. Tomorrow morning.

LORELAI

Tomorrow morning. Bye.

LORELAI

Oh my God, the most horrible thing just happened. Headmaster Charleston’s office called, he’s been kidnapped! Two guys broke into his house and threw him in a hefty bag, used those twisty ties and carted him off. Classes have been canceled until further notice.

RORY

I am going to school Mom.

LORELAI

Rory, come on, it’s just one day. I’ll write you a note. ‘Dear Nazis, Rory had to miss school today on account of saving her mom from spending the entire day with her father who often looks at her like she has three heads.’

RORY

Out of my way please.

LORELAI

Do you know the last time my father and I were alone together for any extended period of time?

RORY

Unh uh.

LORELAI

I was kicked out of summer class for refusing to call the camp counselor Peaches because I thought the entire concept of the counselors choosing summer fruit names was stupid. So they called my dad and he came to get me and it was just the two of us alone in the car all the way from Maine with nothing to talk about but my camp failure. Luckily I had also flashed the swim team or even that subject would’ve gotten stale.

RORY

Mom, I have the Franklin today. I cannot miss it.

LORELAI

Rory, please. I can't handle the entire day with him. I can't, I can't, I caaaaan’t.

RORY

Mom, I promise. Just make it till the afternoon, and then I promise I'll come right home and I'll take Grandpa off your hands.

LORELAI

All right.

RORY

It'll be fine.

LORELAI

It is not going to be fine. It's going to be horrible. It is going to be a bad, depressing Lifetime movie and Nancy McKeon will be playing me. I am Jo.

LORELAI

And that would be him.

RORY

It’s not going to be that bad. Hey. Be nice.

LORELAI

Be nice.

RORY

Oh, very good.

LORELAI

Hi Dad.

RORY

Hey Grandpa.

RICHARD

Good morning girls.

LORELAI

Did you have any trouble getting here?

RICHARD

Not at all, the directions were fine.

RORY

Well I have to be going, but I’ll see you this afternoon.

RICHARD

I look forward to it.

RORY

Have fun. [leaves]

LORELAI

So good drive, huh?

RICHARD

Very good.

LORELAI

Oh, here. [takes Richard’s coat] Would you like some coffee?

RICHARD

I’m fine. Do you want coffee?

LORELAI

Oh yes, God yes, thank you.

LORELAI

So you sure you don’t, um. . .

RICHARD

Coffee? Uh, no, no, no, no.

LORELAI

Well, uh, can I offer you anything else? Some Pop Tarts or. . .well, that’s pretty much it.

RICHARD

You don’t have to entertain me Lorelai. I just came here to see you and your house and your town. You don’t have to do anything special for me.

LORELAI

But you’re my guest.

RICHARD

No, I’m your father. Just do whatever it is you would normally do.

LORELAI

What I would normally do.

RICHARD

Yes. Like for instance, this morning if I wasn’t here, you would wake up, obviously get some coffee and. . .then what?

LORELAI

Well, um, I’d probably read the paper for a little while and then have some breakfast.

RICHARD

Let’s read the paper then.

LORELAI

Okay, let’s read the paper. [they sit down at the table] Um, what sections would you like?

RICHARD

Oh, you go first. I’ll take what’s left.

LORELAI

Oh, okay. Well, um, normally I read the Arts and Leisure and the Lifestyles.

RICHARD

Perfect. Well, that leaves Business, Sports, and World News.

LORELAI

Oh. That worked out well.

RICHARD

Yes it did, didn’t it?

LORELAI

Well, this is it, Luke’s.

RICHARD

You know, when I was in college, there was this horrible little diner across from my apartment building. It was run by this terrible little couple, they were very angry. They would fight, break plates, curse, and I went in there every morning for three years and I had the most dreadful breakfast, just awful. I really miss that place.

LUKE

Morning.

LORELAI

Hey. Um, Luke, you remember my father?

LUKE

Oh yeah, nice to see you again.

RICHARD

Nice to see you. This is quite a place you’ve got here.

LUKE

It pays the bills.

RICHARD

Always a plus in business.

LORELAI

Dad, do you know what you want?

RICHARD

Oh, I already ate.

LORELAI

You did? When?

RICHARD

Oh, I had breakfast at home. I get up at 5:30 every morning.

LORELAI

Wow. Why?

RICHARD

Well I’ve gotten up at 5:30 for as long as I can remember.

LORELAI

Yeah, but that was when you had to work. Now you can afford to get a little crazy, get up at quarter to six.

RICHARD

Go ahead and order Lorelai.

LORELAI

Okay. I’ll have a banana, pancakes, side of bacon, and lots and lots of coffee.

LUKE

Coming right up. [walks away]

RICHARD

You didn’t order any grapefruit.

LORELAI

Yeah, I don’t really like grapefruit.

RICHARD

Oh, I always start my breakfast off with half a grapefruit.

LORELAI

Hm, do the Florida people know about you? Because Anita Bryant left this huge gap that has yet to be filled.

RICHARD

It’s important to start the day off correctly, Lorelai. A grapefruit is brain food. It has vitamin C and folic acid and it helps with your digestion. It really is a terrific fruit.

LORELAI

I feel like you’re about to break into song.

RICHARD

I’m serious about this Lorelai.

LORELAI

I know you are but I still don’t like grapefruit.

RICHARD

Well, there are many things in life that we don’t like, but the benefits they bring us far outweigh the temporary discomforts we have to endure.

LORELAI

Okay. Hold on a sec.

LORELAI

Hey, I need a grapefruit.

LUKE

What?

LORELAI

Yeah. Before my pancakes this morning I need half a grapefruit, uh, preferably one that tastes like a donut.

LUKE

I don’t have grapefruit.

LORELAI

How can you not have grapefruit?

LUKE

I’ve never had grapefruit.

LORELAI

I need a grapefr. . .Listen, I have my father with me all day, and so far there’s been no major drama or yelling or ugliness but there will be if I don’t somehow find a way to get half a grapefruit for breakfast this morning.

LUKE

I could go next door to Doose’s and buy a grapefruit.

LORELAI

I would be eternally grateful.

LUKE

I’ll be right back.

LORELAI

Thank you.

LORELAI

Okay, the grapefruit is coming.

RICHARD

Oh, you won’t be sorry.

LORELAI

So listen, I was thinking, um, maybe after we’re done here, you might like to walk around town a little, see the sites. And then Rory usually gets home around four. The two of you can hang out at the house until I get off work and the three of us can hook up for dinner. How does that sound?

RICHARD

Very sensible.

LORELAI

Well yeah, I had to make up for my shoes.

RICHARD

Is that your second cup of coffee?

LORELAI

Uh, third. Why?

RICHARD

No reason. That’s a lot of coffee first thing in the morning.

RORY

Okay, you have got to stop doing that.

PARIS

So I’ve been doing some research on the Oppenheimer Award, and I’ve noticed something. All of the winning schools had an extremely strong human interest story on page one.

RORY

Okay.

PARIS

And I think that’s what we need. I mean, we’ve got the teen issues down, we’ve got a decent op-ed and political page, but human interest – that’s what we’re missing.

RORY

Ideas?

PARIS

Yes.

RORY

Do tell.

PARIS

According to the papers, there’s been a huge increase in the number of families fleeing the major cities in favor of small towns. Hundreds of thousands of city slicking yuppies carting the trophy wife and the asthmatic kids off to small towns in search of the simple life. Milk a cow, pet a pig, find yourself, all that kind of crap.

RORY

Interesting.

PARIS

Yeah, and I thought about it. There’s a romantic aspect to small towns. White picket fences, low crime rate, smaller classrooms, better tomatoes. It all seems perfect.

RORY

But?

PARIS

But nothing is perfect, nothing is safe, nothing is ever what it seems. And then it hit me - our story. We are going to blow the lid off the seedy underbelly of small town life, starting with yours.

RORY

Stars Hollows?

PARIS

Yes.

RORY

You are going to uncover the seedy underbelly of Stars Hollow?

PARIS

Yes.

RORY

Paris, Stars Hollow doesn’t have a seedy underbelly. We don’t even have a meter maid.

PARIS

Look, you may be blind to it because you live there, but trust me, it’s there and it’s ugly and I’m going to find it. I’ll meet you out front after school.

RORY

I can’t today.

PARIS

Why not? Are you hiding something?

RORY

No. I promised my mom that I would help her with something.

PARIS

Well, help her tomorrow. We have work to do.

RORY

Paris!

PARIS

Hey, this could be our chance to nail this thing. Now I have a hunch that there’s a story here and a good one, and I’m going to find it. I was even going to share a byline with you on it, but if you wanna bail out, that’s fine. I’ll just do it myself.

RORY

But -.

PARIS

Am I meeting you or not?

RORY

I don’t think you’re gonna find anything.

PARIS

Well, then the worst that can happen is that I spend some time in your town and suddenly have an urge to enter a pie in the county fair. I’ll meet you out front, don’t be late.

MICHEL

As soon as I can, I will send someone up. . . Yes, I will. . .I understand. . .I understand. . .I understand. . .I understand. . .I understand. . . Okay. . .I understand. Goodbye. [hangs up]

LORELAI

What do you understand?

MICHEL

I have no idea. I tuned him out at the first screech.

LORELAI

Have we heard from Manny yet?

MICHEL

No, and I have paged him twice.

LORELAI

We only have enough linen for one seating tonight. Hand me the phone.

MICHEL

Plus we are completely out of clean towels.

LORELAI

[oh phone] Hi, Sophie, it’s Lorelai. I need to talk to Manny. . . Well, when will he be back? . . . Okay, I need him to call me really, really soon, like five minutes ago. Okay, thanks. [hangs up] We need a backup plan.

MICHEL

Mm hmm.

LORELAI

Call Patty’s and see if she has any party rental tablecloths we can use for tonight and then pull all the towels from the pool and call Gandolfi’s and order a case of champagne. Send a bottle to every room that’s towel-less and just page him every two minutes and oh no! [sees Richard walk into the inn]

RICHARD

Hi.

LORELAI

Hi Dad, what are you doing? Uh, I thought you were gonna tour the town.

RICHARD

Oh, I did, I did. I went into all the stores, the cat one twice. And then I walked around a little and then I was done.

LORELAI

But what about the park – did you see the park?

RICHARD

Yes, I saw the park.

LORELAI

Uh, what about the giant slinky over on Klump? We’re mighty proud of that.

RICHARD

I saw the slinky, yes. And the hundred-year-old oak tree and the life-size yarn person. I even stopped by your house and had Babette introduce me to all of her gnomes.

LORELAI

Oh.

RICHARD

And then I realized the only thing I had not seen is my daughter at work.

LORELAI

Oh, well, watching me at work is not very interesting, trust me.

RICHARD

Oh, you underestimate yourself.

LORELAI

Okay, well, um, there’s books on the shelves over there.

RICHARD

No no, I have my newspaper, I’m fine.

LORELAI

All right, I’m just gonna. . . what’s the matter?

RICHARD

Is your jacket in the back?

LORELAI

My jacket?

RICHARD

Your work jacket?

LORELAI

I don’t have a work jacket.

RICHARD

So that’s your working outfit?

LORELAI

Yeah.

RICHARD

And your boss doesn’t mind?

LORELAI

Oh, well considering my boss is me, no, she doesn’t. I mean, she did at first but then I bought her a cup of coffee and I realized all the hostility she was expressing toward me was just jealousy and we’ve been best friends ever since. Just take a seat Dad. [walks to the front desk] Hey, will you get me an extra bottle of champagne and smack me over the head with it?

MICHEL

Absolutely.

LORELAI

[answers] Independence Inn.

RORY

I need you to sit down, breathe, and remember that you’re at work, so screaming and crying is not an option.

LORELAI

Why, what are you doing?

RORY

I can’t meet you after school today.

LORELAI

What? You promised.

RORY

I know but I have to work on this story for the Franklin and I swear I tried to get out of it, but I couldn’t.

LORELAI

Oh great.

RORY

I’m sorry.

LORELAI

Oh no, school comes before Mommy’s mental health.

RORY

Just tell Grandpa to wander around for awhile.

LORELAI

He already wandered.

RORY

Did he see the slinky?

LORELAI

Yes, he saw the slinky.

RORY

Wow.

LORELAI

He’s here now.

RORY

Oh.

LORELAI

And he hates my shirt.

RORY

Give him a book and have Sookie make him lunch and I swear I’ll be home by dinner and you won’t have to say a word.

LORELAI

Okay, bye.

PARIS

I think I got rabies.

RORY

It’s just a bus, Paris.

PARIS

It smelled.

RORY

It smelled like a bus.

PARIS

I’m gonna have to burn my clothes when I get home.

RORY

You know Paris, you have a car. We could’ve driven.

PARIS

We have to get the feel of the small town world. You’re not going to get the feel of a small town world in a BMW. Is there something crawling in my hair?

RORY

All right, so we’re here now, where do you wanna go?

PARIS

I don’t know, where’s the bad part of town?

RORY

Uhh, over there.

PARIS

What?

RORY

Uh, people - they’re very upset with the color of that fence.

PARIS

Come on.

RORY

This is the town Paris, this is it. It’s not seedy, it’s not rundown, it’s just Stars Hollow.

PARIS

Well, where’s the local bar?

RORY

In Woodbridge.

PARIS

Why aren’t you helping?

RORY

I’m trying, you’re just looking for something that’s not here.

PARIS

What’s this?

RORY

Luke’s Diner.

PARIS

Diner. Okay, good, good.

RORY

What are you doing?

PARIS

Trying just to blend in, fade away, observe.

LUKE

Hey Rory. Coffee?

RORY

Thanks Luke.

LUKE

Who’s your friend?

RORY

Angela Landsbury.

LUKE

Oh.

PARIS

You’re the owner here?

LUKE

Yup. You want some coffee Angela?

PARIS

No thanks.

LUKE

Okay.

PARIS

So, you run the diner, huh?

RORY

Oh boy.

PARIS

You get a lot of truckers through here?

LUKE

Truckers?

PARIS

Yeah. You know, guys on the road for weeks, lonely, looking for company, a little pick me up. Things like that.

LUKE

What’s she talking about?

RORY

Your guess is as good as mine.

PARIS

It’s pretty common knowledge that diners are breeding grounds for prostitution and drug dealers.

LUKE

What?

PARIS

Have you ever seen anything like that going down here?

LUKE

Have I ever. . .

PARIS

What about that guy over there? What’s his story?

LUKE

Reverend Nichols?

PARIS

Reverend Nichols, huh? What is that, like Dr. Feelgood?

LUKE

Rory, how much do you like this person?

RORY

Do what you gotta do, Luke.

PARIS

Hey, where’d he come from? What’s up there? Is that where you keep the girls? You got yourself a little cathouse up there?

JESS

Wow, I think she got you Uncle Luke. You better give up now.

LUKE

Do not add to this insanity.

JESS

An innocent boy like me should not be raised in an atmosphere like this.

LUKE

Jess!

JESS

I wanna be good, life’s just not letting me.

LUKE

Rory, get her out of here.

RORY

Okay, let’s go. [pulls Paris towards the door]

PARIS

Why do you need me to leave? What have you got to hide?

RORY

Paris, let’s go!

MICHEL

Yes, we’re aware of it.

LORELAI

Yes, we’re working on it.

MICHEL

As soon as towels arrive, yours will be the first room we come up to.

LORELAI

I swear to you, no one gets a towel before you do.

MICHEL

Did you get the complimentary champagne we sent you?

LORELAI

Just open the champagne and drink and relax and enjoy and before you know it – of course it’s free. Yes.

MICHEL

Yeah, we’ll call you soon. [hangs up]

LORELAI

We’ll talk to you soon. [hangs up] I’m killing Manny.

MICHEL

I’m helping.

LORELAI

I’m gonna strangle him with one of his own towels, I swear to God.

RICHARD

Lorelai?

LORELAI

Yeah Dad?

RICHARD

Do you realize there are no tablecloths in the dining room?

LORELAI

Yes I do. We’re having a problem with our linen delivery.

RICHARD

Well, it doesn’t look very professional.

MICHEL

[in background] Ah, it’s Manny.

LORELAI

Okay, I have to take this dad.

LORELAI

Manny, my mysterious man, where have you been? . . . Oh, me Manny? I’m just a desperate woman. Yes. Honey, I know you’re up to your ears in problems but I have to have some towels or linens or I’m gonna be lying on the street talking about the pretty inn I used to work at and you don’t want that do you? . . . Well, just, anything you can do to get me through the night. . . Uh, Manny, I love you. You rock. I am devoted to you. I’m never gonna look at another towel without thinking of you. . . Thank you. Bye Stud. [hangs up] He’ll be here in twenty minutes.

RICHARD

Lorelai?

LORELAI

Yes Dad?

RICHARD

May I speak to you for a moment please?

MICHEL

Someone is in trouble.

LORELAI

Uh, is something wrong Dad?

RICHARD

Was that a business call I just overheard there?

LORELAI

Oh, that was my linen delivery guy.

RICHARD

So it was a business call?

LORELAI

Yes, it was a business call.

RICHARD

And that’s how you handle a business call?

LORELAI

I’ve known Manny for ten years, Dad.

RICHARD

I don’t care how long you’ve known him. You never talk to a business associate like that, especially not one that you employ.

LORELAI

Okay Dad.

RICHARD

These people have to respect you.

LORELAI

He does respect me.

RICHARD

You were flirting with him.

LORELAI

I said what I needed to say in order to get the linen before somebody else did. And I did, so I won.

RICHARD

This is not about winning, this is about proper procedure. You need to listen to me Lorelai. If there is one thing I know about, it is the correct way to conduct yourself in a position of authority. Do you understand what I’m trying to tell you?

LORELAI

Mm hmm.

RICHARD

Because I’m only telling you this for your own good.

LORELAI

Mm hmm.

RICHARD

All right, go back to work. I’ll be right here if you need me.

LORELAI

Okie dokie.

PARIS

Nothing, not even a cigarette butt on the ground, I can’t believe it. This town would make Frank Capra wanna throw up.

RORY

Sorry, I tried to tell you.

PARIS

I know. I know, it’s just. . .I was just so sure.

RORY

We’ll think of something else to write about, I promise.

PARIS

We’re going to lose.

RORY

We’re not going to lose.

TAYLOR

There she is, the girl of the moment.

RORY

Me?

TAYLOR

You, young lady, are my hero.

RORY

Why is that Taylor?

TAYLOR

Because in this day and age when the kids are willy nilly with their clothes and hair and morals, it is heartwarming to see a sensible girl like you still exists. A girl who has the gumption and the guts to stand up and say, ‘why are we allowing this trash out where all our children can see it?’

KIRK

And a few selected adults also.

RORY

What are you talking about?

TAYLOR

Well, come on in and see for yourself.

RORY

What happened? Where is everything?

TAYLOR

Well, thanks to your brilliant suggestion, they are all safely stashed behind the Rory Curtain.

RORY

The what?

KIRK

We thought it was only fitting to name it after you.

RORY

No! I don’t want a Rory Curtain, I never asked for a Rory Curtain!

TAYLOR

You told me to put that movie where the kids couldn’t see it.

PARIS

You did?

RORY

Well, yeah, but I just meant to put it on a higher shelf, not to get fabric involved.

TAYLOR

Oh, this is much better than a higher shelf. Now all the movies that we deem objectionable will be safely hidden from the eyes of the children. Plus, it’ll make the adults think twice before they go back there.

RORY

No, I did not mean to do this! What are you doing?

PARIS

This is it.

RORY

This is what?

PARIS

Our story. Censorship in a small town, it’s perfect.

RORY

Paris, stop it. You know I don’t believe in censorship.

PARIS

Even better, small town minds run amok. This is genius, it’s gold. We’re going to win. Now Taylor?

TAYLOR

Yes?

PARIS

On the record, how long have you been working here?

LORELAI

Rory, we’re home!

RICHARD

Next time, stop the car completely before you get out.

LORELAI

Rory, for the love of God, be home!

RORY

I’m here, sorry! I was on the phone. How was your – [Lorelai grabs Rory and hugs her tightly] Ooh, okay.

LORELAI

I don’t think I’ve ever loved you quite as much as I love you right now.

RORY

Ah, ribs cracking, organs crushing.

LORELAI

Yeah, well, love hurts. [walks past Rory towards the kitchen]

RORY

Hey Grandpa.

RICHARD

Oh, lovely to see you Rory.

RORY

How was your day?

RICHARD

It was very pleasant.

RORY

I heard you saw Mom in action.

LORELAI

Oh yes he did.

RORY

She’s great, isn’t she?

RICHARD

She’s. . uh, spirited.

LORELAI

Spirited.

RORY

Spirited is nice. Hey, let’s talk dinner. How about Chinese?

LORELAI

Very spirited food.

RORY

Grandpa, do you like Chinese food?

RICHARD

If prepared properly, yes, I like it very much.

LORELAI

I’ll go call Al’s. [walks into kitchen]

RICHARD

Al’s?

RORY

Al’s Pancake World.

RICHARD

[follows Lorelai into the kitchen] I thought you said we were having Chinese food.

LORELAI

Al’s has the best egg fu yung in Stars Hollow.

RICHARD

Is that, um, saying anything?

LORELAI

Rory, come entertain your Grandpa while your spirited Mommy orders please!

RORY

Hey Grandpa, do you um. . .do you wanna see my room?

RICHARD

Yes, I would.

RORY

Okay.

LORELAI

Twenty bucks if you lock him in there.

RORY

Thirty if you chill.

RICHARD

Interesting.

RORY

What are you doing?

RICHARD

Oh, there are some holes in your collection here and I’m just making a list to fill them.

RORY

Oh, well these aren’t all of my books.

RICHARD

Oh?

RICHARD

Oh my goodness!

RORY

And. . . [opens two drawers filled with books]

RICHARD

Ah, well possibly I should concentrate on acquiring you a bookcase first.

RORY

That’s okay. I kind of like my system.

RICHARD

Ah, organized chaos?

RORY

Exactly.

RICHARD

Very well, carry on. Well, I’m glad not to see any death rockers on your walls.

RORY

Grandpa, where did you learn the term death rockers?

RICHARD

Well, I’m not entirely unfamiliar with the music world in which you live.

RORY

I don’t exactly live in the death rock world, Grandpa.

RICHARD

Good.

RORY

But if I do move there, I will send you a card.

RICHARD

Oh, I appreciate that. Ah, Harvard.

RORY

Yeah. We started the obsession board a few years ago. And then when we took that trip to Harvard, the student store was having a two for one flag sale, so that kind of sent us into the final stage of the psychosis. Hospitals were called, medications were prescribed, there is no cure.

LORELAI

Okay, I made the menu for the evening.

RICHARD

My God.

RORY

Looks good.

RICHARD

Who could eat all that food?

LORELAI

I almost added the garlic chicken.

RORY

Add it.

RICHARD

There are only three of us.

LORELAI

Yes, but we like choices.

RORY

Let’s call, I’m starved.

RICHARD

Lorelai, you cannot order all of that food. You’re teaching your daughter wastefulness and gluttony.

LORELAI

Um Dad, we do this all the time. We order way too much and then we eat like a third of it and live off the leftovers for a week and a half. It’s a finely honed system. Now please, just sit and read something or watch TV.

RICHARD

So I uh. . .I noticed all the Harvard paraphernalia in Rory’s room.

LORELAI

Oh yeah.

RICHARD

You know, you might not want to get her settled on one specific college quite so soon.

LORELAI

Why not?

RICHARD

Well, she’s young. She hasn’t investigated her options.

LORELAI

Dad, she wants to go to Harvard.

RICHARD

Well yes, because she thinks you want her to go to Harvard.

LORELAI

I do.

RICHARD

Well, there are a lot of other good schools out there. You know I went to Yale.

LORELAI

Yes, I do know.

RICHARD

Yale is a very fine school, some might argue a better school than Harvard.

LORELAI

Some meaning you?

RICHARD

I just think Rory should explore it, and I can make some phone calls and set up an appointment.

LORELAI

No.

RICHARD

Why not?

LORELAI

Because she wants to go to Harvard.

RICHARD

But that’s ridiculous. Who’s going to help her get into Harvard?

LORELAI

Reese Witherspoon.

RICHARD

I am a Yale alumnus. I give a great deal of money to that school. Getting her in will be a breeze.

LORELAI

We don’t like breezes, they mess up our hair.

RICHARD

Do not be petulant Lorelai.

LORELAI

Do not pick a fight with me Dad.

RICHARD

This is not about you, this is about Rory.

LORELAI

No, this is about Richard interfering.

RICHARD

Now please, just let me handle this. I know more about the Ivy League system than you do.

LORELAI

This is not about the - .

RORY

Is that the food already?

LORELAI

No Sweets, I haven’t ordered yet.

RORY

Oh my God!

LORELAI

Who is it?

RORY

Oh my God!

LORELAI

Oh my God.

RORY

Whatcha doin’?

DEAN

Just standing here.

RORY

Next to?

DEAN

A car. Your car.

RORY

No!

DEAN

Finished it yesterday.

RORY

No you didn’t!

DEAN

Do you want ‘em? [holds up the keys]

RORY

Ah! [Rory runs off the porch and hugs him]

DEAN

Now if you don’t like it, I bet I can sell it to someone else.

RORY

Don’t you dare!

LORELAI

Dean, that’s amazing!

RORY

Let’s drive, can we drive, does it drive?

DEAN

Does it drive?

RORY

Well, no, I know it drives but. . .oh my God! I can’t believe you finished it! You built me a car!

LORELAI

Dean, now that you’re done with that, will you build me a plane? One that looks like Shamu?

RICHARD

He made that car?

LORELAI

Isn’t that incredible?

RICHARD

Well, she can’t accept it.

LORELAI

Oh Dad, it’s okay.

RICHARD

It’s not okay, he’s a child. She’s not driving a car a child put together.

DEAN

Excuse me sir, but, uh, my father worked on cars and my grandfather worked on cars. I know what I’m doing.

RICHARD

A car is not a model airplane, young man.

DEAN

I know that.

RICHARD

It is a complex vehicle.

DEAN

I know that too.

RICHARD

And I will not have my granddaughter driving around in some contraption you put together in auto shop.

LORELAI

Okay, can I just say something here?

DEAN

I did not make this in auto shop. I am telling you this car is safe.

RICHARD

So, you are a certified mechanic?

DEAN

No.

RICHARD

But you had the assistance of a certified mechanic?

DEAN

No.

RICHARD

Well, then you drove it past a certified mechanic?

LORELAI

Dad, stop it. This is a nice thing Dean did here. Remember, nice things.

RICHARD

I’m sorry, she can’t accept it. Now, if you will excuse us, we were about to order dinner.

DEAN

Mr. Gilmore, I understand you want Rory to be safe, but so do I. I would not give this car to her if I did not know for a fact that it was a hundred percent safe. I checked it, my father checked it, and Gypsy at Hewes Brothers checked it. It has been checked.

RICHARD

And I’m just supposed to take your word for it?

DEAN

Nope.

RICHARD

Agreed.

DEAN

Let’s go.

RICHARD

Go where?

DEAN

To check it.

RICHARD

I don’t think so.

DEAN

I’ve been working on this car for months. I’m giving it to Rory.

RICHARD

You’re a very stubborn boy.

DEAN

Do you wanna drive or should I?

RICHARD

I’ll take my own car, thank you.

DEAN

Fine with me.

RICHARD

And drive behind me. I don’t want that thing blowing up right in front of the Jag.

DEAN

No problem. Try to keep your electrical system working long enough to get there.

RICHARD

They worked the kinks out of this electrical system years ago, young man. I’ll be right back.

DEAN

So will I.

LORELAI

Don’t you feel like one of us should’ve been standing between them waving a flag or something?

GYPSY

It looks fine to me.

RICHARD

Check it again.

GYPSY

I already checked it again. This was checking it again. I checked it earlier, that means this was checking it again.

DEAN

Go ahead Gypsy, check it again. I’ve got all night.

GYPSY

I don’t.

RICHARD

Check the transmission.

GYPSY

I did, it’s all good.

RICHARD

The carburetor.

GYPSY

All good.

RICHARD

Manifold pressure?

GYPSY

Best manifold pressure I’ve ever seen.

RICHARD

You’ve missed something. I insist that you go over this entire car again.

GYPSY

But I’m telling you, there’s nothing wrong with this car.

RICHARD

I am paying you for a service, I would like that service performed.

GYPSY

Okay, I look again.

DEAN

How many times are you gonna make her do that?

RICHARD

As many times as it takes.

DEAN

Look, I know you think I’m not good enough for Rory, but do you have to take it out on my car?

RICHARD

She’s my only granddaughter. I have a responsibility to protect her. She’s young, she’s naïve.

DEAN

She’s smart.

RICHARD

Yes, she’s smart. . .about certain things.

DEAN

Look, I’m not about to do battle with you here. You can hate me - whatever, I don’t care.

RICHARD

I hardly hate you.

DEAN

Really?

RICHARD

I don’t even know you.

DEAN

Well, I’m right here. What do you wanna know? Besides what college I wanna go to or what I wanna do for a living, because I still have no answers for you on that front.

RICHARD

Those are not ridiculous questions to ask.

DEAN

No, but you could’ve waited until dessert to get to ‘em.

RICHARD

Yes, well, perhaps the timing of the. . .

DEAN

Interrogation?

RICHARD

Conversation.

DEAN

Conversation.

RICHARD

Perhaps the timing was a little off. [pause] So, your father – what does he do?

DEAN

Stereo systems.

RICHARD

Installing them?

DEAN

Selling them. He’s got a shop a couple of blocks from here.

RICHARD

And your mother?

DEAN

She works part time transcribing medical records.

RICHARD

Interesting, interesting. So, you. . .you like my granddaughter quite a bit?

DEAN

No, I love your granddaughter quite a bit.

RICHARD

See Dean, I was beginning to feel a little better about this until you said that.

DEAN

Well, I’m not trying to make you feel better, I’m trying to be honest.

RICHARD

Yes, you are. It’s an admirable quality.

DEAN

Thank you.

GYPSY

Okay, I found something wrong.

RICHARD

You did?

DEAN

What?

GYPSY

Windshield wipers came right off in my hand, very dangerous. Thank God I check it again.

DEAN

Gypsy, you broke those off yourself.

GYPSY

Yes I did.

DEAN

Put ‘em back!

GYPSY

I can’t look at this car anymore.

DEAN

Gypsy!

GYPSY

I miss my home.

DEAN

Put them back.

RICHARD

Now I suppose the car is safe.

DEAN

It is.

RICHARD

I’m still not sure it’s an appropriate gift.

DEAN

I understand that.

RICHARD

How tall are you?

DEAN

Why, you wanna dance?

RICHARD

No, thank you. I appreciate the offer though.

RORY

How long are they going to be?

LORELAI

I don’t know. Knowing my dad, he probably made Dean take the entire thing apart and put it back together again in front of him.

RORY

Poor Dean.

LORELAI

Poor Dean, he has to spend one evening with him. I share chromosomes with the guy.

RICHARD

Well, we had it thoroughly checked. We found a little problem with the windshield wipers. Dean is there now adjusting them. But once that is taken care of, I don’t see any reason why, with proper insurance of course, why you can’t have that car.

RORY

Really? Thanks!

LORELAI

Hey hon, why don’t you run and pick up the food for us?

RORY

Oh sure.

RICHARD

Oh, I’ve got this.

LORELAI

Here you go, hurry! Before the mu shu congeals.

RORY

Okay. [leaves]

RICHARD

Why didn’t you let me pay?

LORELAI

I didn’t think it would be, um, appropriate under the circumstances.

RICHARD

What circumstances are those?

LORELAI

The ones where I’m about to get really, really mad at you.

RICHARD

Excuse me?

LORELAI

Dad, this is my house in my town, where I live my life.

RICHARD

Well, thank you for the geography lesson.

LORELAI

No, I’m - in the thirty two years we’ve known each other, have I once come to your work and criticized the way you handled your clients?

RICHARD

I don’t remember you coming to my work at all.

LORELAI

Well, have I passed judgment on your breakfast habits or your clothing choices?

RICHARD

I was offering opinions.

LORELAI

Well, don’t. I don’t want your opinions, especially not in front of my employees and not in front of my friends.

RICHARD

I guess you can’t take constructive criticism.

LORELAI

Nothing that came out of your mouth today might, in any universe visited by Kirk or Spock, be construed as constructive.

RICHARD

I beg to differ.

LORELAI

And this is absolutely the last time you come into my house and overrule my word.

RICHARD

What are you talking about?

LORELAI

I’m talking about Dean and the car.

RICHARD

I was being - .

LORELAI

You have no right being anything. Rory’s my kid and I make the rules, so if she comes home one day and says, ‘Hey, uh, I’m gonna spend the weekend with Patricia Krenwinkle’ and I say, ‘Okay, grab a sweater’, you just have to deal.

RICHARD

Who is Patricia Krenwinkle?

LORELAI

And if I tell her that she can have the car that her boyfriend made for her, then she can.

RICHARD

I didn’t think it looked safe.

LORELAI

You don’t have to think it looks safe! I have to think it looks safe! God, why can’t I make you hear what I’m saying?

RICHARD

Oh, I hear exactly what you’re saying.

LORELAI

You came here not as a guest but as the judgment police, you kept your uniform on the whole time, and you know what, it comes off now!

RICHARD

Lower your voice.

LORELAI

No! I am a grown woman and you will treat me the way you treat people who have invited you to their house or you will not be invited again.

RICHARD

Invited?

LORELAI

Yes!

RICHARD

Don’t you think I know why you invited me here?

LORELAI

Because - .

RICHARD

Because your mother asked you too. She called you up and said I was driving her crazy, and would you please take me off her hands for one day so she can get some peace. Isn’t that true?

LORELAI

No.

RICHARD

You have never once invited me to your house Lorelai, never. And I can hardly point to an event that would prompt you to do so except my recent employment situation.

LORELAI

Okay Dad, Mom did call me but - .

RICHARD

You know, I never thought about retirement. I never thought about what I would do or what I would be once I wasn’t working. I never once imagined that I would go from being a productive member of the human race to a decrepit old drone sitting at the club at three in the afternoon drinking brandy and playing cards.

LORELAI

Aw, Dad.

RICHARD

I am an annoyance to my wife and a burden to my daughter. Suddenly I realize what it feels like to be obsolete. I hope that you never have to learn what that feels like. Now, if you will excuse me, I’m afraid I’ll have to take a rain check on dinner. I’m not very hungry.

JESS

Nice picture.

RORY

Gee, thanks.

JESS

You’re very popular right now. I bet if you burn a few books, they’ll probably make you mayor.

RORY

This is ridiculous.

JESS

I don’t know, bet you have a lot of supporters on this. Pat Buchanon, Jerry Falwell, Kathie Lee Gifford.

RORY

Bye.

JESS

Aw, come on, it’s a little funny.

RORY

No, being the poster girl for censorship is not a little funny. The only videos not behind that curtain are Bambi and Dumbo. I mean, they actually had a meeting earlier about whether or not Babe should be behind the curtain so as not to offend people who keep kosher.

JESS

It’s a crazy world we live in.

RORY

And where did they even find that stupid picture?

JESS

Oh no, the picture’s good. It’s the people who are stupid.

RORY

I’m never gonna be able to leave my house again.

JESS

Well, at least you won’t starve.

RORY

I can’t look at it anymore.

JESS

Relax. I don’t think it’ll be around very long.

RORY

Why?

JESS

Just a guess.

RORY

Jess!

JESS

Enjoy the food.

RORY

Come back here.

JESS

Why?

RORY

I’ll give you an eggroll.

JESS

Yes?

RORY

What did you do?

JESS

Nothing much. Just wanted to make sure whoever rented Dumbo or Bambi gets a little surprise.

RORY

What kind of surprise? What did you do?

JESS

You owe me an eggroll. [walks away]

RORY

Blech.

EMILY

Richard, there you are, sneaking in like that.

RICHARD

Hello Emily.

EMILY

It’s nice to see you.

RICHARD

Well, you seem very happy.

EMILY

Well, I had a very nice day. Would you like a drink?

RICHARD

Uh, no thanks.

EMILY

I saw Cheeky Lennox today. She’s redoing her entire house and I have to say, it’s given me a few ideas about this place. I won’t scare you with them tonight but I’m very excited about it.

RICHARD

Well I’m glad.

EMILY

Then I did a little shopping and I had my nails done.

RICHARD

Very nice.

EMILY

Sugar and spice, a little crazier than I usually wear but I don’t know, I was just in that kind of a mood. So how was your day with the girls?

RICHARD

Wonderful.

EMILY

Tell me about it.

RICHARD

Well, I saw the town, I saw Lorelai’s work.

EMILY

Did you eat? Because I can have Heloise whip up something for you.

RICHARD

No thank you, we had Chinese food.

EMILY

Oh, you love Chinese food!

RICHARD

Yes I do.

EMILY

Well I’m thrilled that you had such a wonderful time. It was good for you to get out like that.

RICHARD

Yes it was. In fact, I’m still a little energized from the day, so I think I’m finally gonna organize all those stamps that I’ve been talking about for ages.

EMILY

Now?

RICHARD

Why not?

EMILY

Well, I think that would be wonderful. Have fun.