T2E14: “It Should’ve Been Lorelai”

LORELAI

But my question is, how did that happen? How was it that suddenly everyone in the world was saying ‘music has charms to soothe the savage beast’ when it was written breast.

RORY

I don’t know. At some point someone misspoke and it just caught on.

LORELAI

How do things like that catch on?

RORY

Mom, please, you’re driving me crazy.

LORELAI

I mean, did some guy like say it at a big rally of some sort and everyone went home and started saying it that way and then it just spread from there?

RORY

Yes, exactly.

LORELAI

Oh, now you’re just trying to shut me up.

LORELAI

Oh my God.

RORY

What?

LORELAI

Look.

RORY

Wow.

LORELAI

Empty.

LUKE

Just one of those weird lulls, happens occasionally.

LORELAI

Ugh.

RORY

Can we sit wherever we like?

LUKE

Wherever you like.

RORY

Wow.

LORELAI

Such luxury I never dreamed of.

RORY

Where do you wanna sit?

LORELAI

I don’t know. Um, how ‘bout this table with it’s unobstructed westward view of the wide cosmopolitan expansive Klump Street?

RORY

Tempting. Do you know that on a clear day you can see all the way to the garbage cans behind Al’s Pancake World?

LORELAI

Hm. Or we could sit in the corner - you know, the Mafia table so that no one can come up behind you and whack you with a cannoli.

RORY

Whack you with a cannoli? Oh, because he left the gun and took the cannoli.

LORELAI

You’re so my daughter.

LUKE

Aye aye aye.

LORELAI

Hey, let’s sit at the counter.

RORY

Nah, the counter, those are not the power seats.

LORELAI

Yes, but with no one here we can sit at either end and play bagel hockey.

RORY

Ooh, bagel hockey! Oh boy!

LUKE

Just sit at a table.

LORELAI

Oh, you’re awfully rude for a guy who only has two paying customers.

RORY

Okay, 3:30 on Friday - my debate at Chilton. Write it down.

LORELAI

Already written.

RORY

Good.

LORELAI

Are you prepared?

RORY

Please. Paris has us beyond prepared. I now know more about doctor assisted suicide then I ever cared to.

LORELAI

Cheery topic

LUKE

Luke’s. Uh huh. Hold on a second. [to Rory] It’s for you.

RORY

What?

LUKE

Yup.

RORY

But who knows we’re here?

LORELAI

This whole morning has been a little Twilight Zone-y.

LUKE

Or Outer Limits-y.

LORELAI

What?

LUKE

Great show, just as eerie, same era, but no one ever references it.

LORELAI

Oh, I'm sorry, I don't speak geek.

LUKE

Yup, stepped right in it.

RORY

Hello?

LANE

Rory?

RORY

Lane. How did you know I was here?

LANE

Telescope. I got a clean shot at Luke’s. I saw you and your mom go in.

LUKE

Hey, watch it.

LORELAI

Yeah, duck Harvey.

RORY

So I guess you’re still grounded over that whole Henry thing, huh?

LANE

Are you kidding? It’s the mother of all groundings. My mom’s done everything but slap a Dr. Dre ankle bracelet on me. I’m not even going to school.

RORY

Isn’t it illegal to keep a kid out of school?

LANE

Well, she talked all my teachers into allowing me to be home-schooled for two weeks. I believe the words ‘highly contagious’ were batted about. I only get five minutes a day of outside phone time but unlimited time to call the Psalm a Day line. A big ripoff, by the way, because psalm 79 has been on there for three straight days. That’s not in keeping with what their name clearly implies, which is a new psalm per day, every day. Not the same tired one from the previous two days.

RORY

I’ve never heard anyone get so riled up about psalms before.

LANE

My world has become very small. Okay, I’m dying for news. Give me some headlines.

RORY

Oh, well, I’ve got a debate coming up. And, um, Dean’s been working extra hours lately saving up for a new motorcycle, so I hardly see him. Mom and I haven’t done laundry in three weeks, but I have taken to jumping into the gigantic pile of dirty clothes while we play our Reader’s Digest World’s Famous Polka CD that we got used for ninety-nine cents. Sorry if that’s all boring.

LANE

Are you kidding? It’s the most stimulation I’ve got in a week.

MRS. KIM

Lane, come down for your snack!

LANE

It’s tea and melba toast time, gotta go. Don’t forget me in my solitude.

RORY

Never.

LANE

Bye. [hangs up]

RORY

Think fast.

LORELAI

Whoa, impressive. Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

RORY

What?

LORELAI

Goalie for the bagel hockey team?

RORY

And bump Schmitty?

LORELAI

Schmitty’s over the hill, he’s washed up, put him in Cooperstown. Suit up kid!

LUKE

Call me if anyone sane walks in.

RORY

There’s nothing on.

LORELAI

There’s always something on. Uh! Struck gold!

RORY

Not Two Fat Ladies again.

LORELAI

Why not? They’re brilliant.

RORY

Because it’s a cooking show and you don’t cook.

LORELAI

That might change.

RORY

Not a chance.

LORELAI

Probably not.

RORY

Plus, we’ve seen all of them like five times. They’re all repeats.

LORELAI

Yeah, sadly because one of the fat ladies met her maker.

RORY

Really? Which one?

LORELAI

The fat one.

RORY

Come on, which one? The one on the motorcycle or the one in the sidecar?

LORELAI

See, it’s fun just talking about the Two Fat Ladies.

RORY

Can't we find some other really fat people to watch?

LORELAI

Wow, that sounded really insensitive.

RORY

Paris.

PARIS

Can I come in?

RORY

I guess. So?

PARIS

You couldn't possibly be wondering what I'm doing here.

RORY

I couldn't?

PARIS

The debate's Friday and we need more preparation.

RORY

More preparation? Paris -- no two people know more about assisted suicide than the two of us. Kevorkian called today for a couple of tips.

PARIS

I know we know the material but there’s issues of presentation that need to be addressed.

RORY

Presentation?

PARIS

I was listening to the CD I burned of the cassettes I made of our mock debates against the make-believe team and I realized that you were not talking fast enough.

RORY

What?

PARIS

You're only doing 135 wpm.

RORY

Wpm?

PARIS

Words per minute.

RORY

Of course.

PARIS

That's slow.

RORY

That's not slow.

PARIS

It's Jimmy Bob slow.

RORY

I talk normally.

PARIS

For the average Willie Nelson roadie, yes, but not for a winning debate team member. As a comparison, I speak an average of 178 wpm.

RORY

Okay, word speed isn't everything. Sometimes I will add a dramatic pause to prove a point, undercutting my wpm.

PARIS

Let's not harbor any Pinteresque fantasies here, Rory. We'll have scant minutes to make our arguments and we have to maximize our collective wpm.

RORY

Okay, okay. Let's just get going.

LORELAI

Hey Paris. Were we expecting you?

PARIS

You should’ve been. I’m going to get set up. [walks to Rory’s room]

RORY

We’re going to my room to work on my wpm.

LORELAI

Do I wanna know?

RORY

No.

LORELAI

I’ll get it! Hello?

CHRISTOPHER

Hey Lor, it’s Chris.

LORELAI

Hey you, how’s it going?

CHRISTOPHER

Good, good. I’m on a little business trip here and I thought I’d call and check in on Rory.

LORELAI

Oh, she went to some biker party a few days ago and never came back.

CHRISTOPHER

Again?

LORELAI

Yeah, we gotta start disciplining that girl.

CHRISTOPHER

Hey, who’s got the time?

LORELAI

Actually, she’s right here. I’ll pass you to her. So where’d this business trip take you?

CHRISTOPHER

Your neck of the woods, actually. I’m in the Litchfield area.

LORELAI

Really? How long?

CHRISTOPHER

I don’t know, a couple of days, or for as long as it takes for them to succumb to my infinite charms.

LORELAI

Well, if you’re still here on Friday, you should come on down and see Rory in a debate at Chilton.

CHRISTOPHER

Really?

LORELAI

Yeah. It starts at 3:30 and it’s first come, first serve. They’re expecting like 20,000 people so I’d get there early.

CHRISTOPHER

Wow, Chilton up close, huh?

LORELAI

Yeah, it’s your chance to see the famous Paris in action. There might even be casualties.

CHRISTOPHER

Okay, tell Rory I’ll be there.

LORELAI

Really?

CHRISTOPHER

Why not?

LORELAI

Aw, she’ll be excited. Here, tell her yourself.

CHRISTOPHER

Pass me on.

PARIS

Dairy’s bad too because of the mucous. You haven’t had any dairy in the last forty-eight hours, have you?

RORY

In my cereal this morning.

PARIS

Geez! Okay, well there’s a solution of salt water and vinegar that can help cut that.

LORELAI

Girls, I’m sorry to interrupt vinegar hour, but it’s your dad.

RORY

[takes phone and walks away] Dad, hi.

PARIS

Did you give her the cereal?

LORELAI

Um, I’d rather not say.

RORY

Hello?

LANE

It’s me.

RORY

Lane, this is flat out stalking.

LANE

Look, I don’t have much time. I’ve already used up my five minutes of phone time so this is totally illicit, but I have to talk to you. There’s a new Belle and Sebastian single coming out today.

RORY

I know.

LANE

I have to have it.

RORY

Okay, well -.

LANE

No, I mean I have to have it.

RORY

I don’t know if I have time to pick it up.

LANE

What? Rory, do you wanna hear how I used up my five minutes of phone time today? Talking to Amazon.com trying to get them to overnight it to me in a plain package with a return address referencing something Korean and religious.

RORY

They wouldn’t do it, huh?

LANE

I think they notified the government.

RORY

Can’t you just wait for your grounding to be over?

LANE

Hey, I am a fanatic audiophile. That comes with responsibilities that a grounding doesn’t alter. Now, I have to have this single and you have to figure out how to get it to me.

RORY

Okay, okay, I’ll do my best.

LANE

Thank you, I have to go. Oh, and hey.

RORY

What?

LANE

You’ve got something in your teeth.

RORY

Stop that.

LORELAI

Hey, there you are. Where were you?

RORY

Oh, hi.

LORELAI

I thought we were gonna meet by the vending machines for a little, uh, pre-debate nondairy snack.

RORY

Yeah, sorry, Paris wanted to do a sound check and she found some problems with the acoustics in the room.

PARIS

It’s the layout on this row of seats that’s causing a bass problem. We’ve got to move this whole row over a foot. Esta! Just move these people out. Mueva esta gente, mueva, mueva!

RORY

Better find a seat before she moves them all.

LORELAI

Have fun.

RORY

Thanks. I’m glad you came.

SOOKIE

No you’re not!

RORY

What?

SOOKIE

I’m just getting you in the mood.

LORELAI

So do you see Christopher anywhere?

SOOKIE

[looks around] Uh, well, no, no, no. Hey, what does he look like?

LORELAI

If you don’t know, why are you looking?

SOOKIE

I’m looking for a guy that looks like a guy that you could be with, only I’m deducting seventeen years off his age and I’m adding an all-boys private school uniform and a Yankees cap.

LORELAI

And does your head hurt?

SOOKIE

Yeah.

MRS. O’MALLEY

If everybody could please take their seats, we’ll begin. That includes all the members of the debate team.

RORY

Brad, hi.

BRAD

Hi Rory. I didn’t think you’d remember me.

RORY

Oh, of course I do. How’s the new school?

BRAD

I love it. It’s way more mellow there and I made a ton of new friends.

RORY

Good for you.

PARIS

Well, Brad.

BRAD

Paris.

PARIS

Guess we’re going mono a mono today, huh?

BRAD

Oh God.

MRS. O’MALLEY

All right, the topic for today’s debate is doctor-assisted suicide.

SOOKIE

That’s pleasant.

MRS

O’MALLEY: Let me introduce the debaters. On the Hillside Academy team, we have Brad Lankford and Nancy Waterford.

NANCY

You look sick.

BRAD

I feel sick.

MRS. O’MALLEY

And on the Chilton team, we have Rory Gilmore and Paris Gellar.

LORELAI

Oww!

SOOKIE

Whoo!

LORELAI

Oww!

SOOKIE

Were we not supposed to do that?

LORELAI

Maybe no one noticed.

MRS. O’MALLEY

Each team will have three minutes for their openings, three minutes for rebuttals, and two minutes for their conclusions. They will be judged on the basis of content, strategy, and style. I will be the judge, along with Mrs. Gladstone.

PARIS

Mrs. O’Malley is impregnable but yesterday I complemented Mrs. Gladstone’s dumpy outfit and bought her an ice cream sandwich and she practically licked my hand in gratitude.

RORY

Nice going.

MRS. O’MALLEY

We choose which team will take the pro or con side with the toss of a coin. A member of Hillside will make the call.

BRAD

Heads. No, tails, I mean tails!

MRS. O’MALLEY

Uh, it’s heads. Chilton will pick pro or con.

PARIS

Pro assisted suicide.

BRAD

What a shock.

MRS. O’MALLEY

All right. Whenever you’re ready, you may commence.

PARIS

Thank you. [to Rory] Keep it snappy.

RORY

There are many vantage points from which to consider doctor assisted suicide. Serious consideration draws from ethics, law, medical practices, philosophy, psychology, public policy and religion, all topics I plan to explore in the next two minutes and forty-six seconds.

LORELAI

Geez, look at that kid, he’s shaking.

SOOKIE

Ooh, and pale.

LORELAI

He looks all white and tiny.

RORY

... provides either information or the actual means, such as medication or other supplies to a person who wishes to terminate his or her own life. The patient must then initiate the process. The goal is euthanasia, a term with its roots in ancient Greek. . .

PARIS

And referencing their last point, which erroneously cited South Carolina as a state that has neither a statute nor common law which prohibits assisted suicide when we know that North Carolina is the proper citation, their subsequent argument falls short of even a level of speciousness due to the fact that it doesn’t even have a ring of factual truth, let alone a substance. And after all, the absence of prohibition against assisted suicide is a far cry from a statute that actually legitimizes the practice, a state of affairs that exists only in Oregon, sadly enough, under the 1977 Death Without Dignity Act.

LORELAI

Hey, circus lady, what’s with the contortions?

SOOKIE

I’m trying to sneak a peak at the girl Christopher’s with.

LORELAI

But you see, the entire concept behind the word sneak is not having people notice you, and what you’re doing is shouting ‘notice me.’

SOOKIE

Tell me you’re not curious.

LORELAI

I’m not curious.

SOOKIE

You are too.

LORELAI

We’ll meet her in a matter of minutes. Now, come on, watch the tiny shaking boy get shorter.

MRS. O’MALLEY

Two minutes for conclusion.

LORELAI

Ooh. [She leans over to pick it up while glancing back at Sherry]

SOOKIE

You sneak a little peak?

LORELAI

Shh.

PARIS

Professor Bomar of Willamette University of Law has prepared a lengthy summary that I’d like to use in my remaining time.

MRS. O’MALLEY

Time.

PARIS

What?

MRS. O’MALLEY

That’s it, time’s up.

PARIS

Oh, but if I could just have a few seconds to rebut their charge of the cruelty of the act.

BRAD

We take it back!

PARIS

You can’t take it back, it’s a debate.

MRS. O’MALLEY

Okay, that’s enough cruelty for one day, Paris. Your team has won. Congratulations.

PARIS

Really? Thank you. Thank you very much. [walks over to opposing team] You put up a good fight. Better luck next time.

RORY

You okay?

BRAD

I’m sweating. I’m completely soaked through. And I think I’m catching a cold.

RORY

Do you need a hug? Or a towel?

BRAD

No, thanks. I think I’m just gonna sit here quietly.

SOOKIE

Uh! There they are.

LORELAI

I see them. What do you think?

SOOKIE

She's got good hair.

LORELAI

Yeah.

SOOKIE

Plus she's been sitting for an hour and her dress is perfect. Not a wrinkle? How does she do that?

LORELAI

She must be a witch.

SOOKIE

And she's doing that no-hose thing.

LORELAI

Yeah. She's a chic, good hair, wrinkle-free, no-hose-wearing witch.

SOOKIE

You ready?

LORELAI

Yeah.

LORELAI

Hi there, you two.

CHRISTOPHER

Hey Lorelai. You guys get to meet at last. This is. . .

LORELAI

Sherry.

SHERRY

Nice to finally meet you.

LORELAI

Yeah, I recognized you from your Christmas card.

CHRISTOPHER

Which I’m sure you mocked mercilessly.

LORELAI

Did not. Others, yes, but not yours. You guys were cute, and the puppy was cute. [Sookie clears her throat] Hey, this is Sookie.

SHERRY

Nice to meet you.

SOOKIE

Nice to meet you. You have a very smooth dress.

SHERRY

Oh, well thank you. It’s the fabric.

SOOKIE

The fabric. Uh huh.

LORELAI

Hm. Uh, Chris, I’ve told you about Sookie.

CHRISTOPHER

Yes you have, the famous Sookie.

SOOKIE

The famous Christopher.

CHRISTOPHER

I hear you’re the greatest chef after Alan Ducass.

SOOKIE

After Alan Ducass? Who – who said after?

RORY

Hi Dad! You came.

CHRISTOPHER

Of course I did.

RORY

Sorry, I’m still getting used to it. I’m glad.

LORELAI

Honey, um, look who Dad brought.

CHRISTOPHER

This is Sherry. Sherry, this is Rory.

SHERRY

Oh, finally, finally, finally. I am so beyond thrilled, I can’t tell you. All he does is talk about you. I couldn’t wait to meet this amazing person.

LORELAI

Well, she lives up to the hype, let me tell ya.

RORY

Is my face turning red?

LORELAI

Oh yeah, beet red.

SHERRY

Oh, I’m sorry. I put you on the spot. I’ve just been really looking forward to this.

RORY

No, no, it’s okay.

LORELAI

Um, will you excuse us for a minute? Rory just wanted to show me something around the corner here and we’ll be right back.

CHRISTOPHER

So Rory was great, huh?

SOOKIE

Brilliant. So, who said I was after Alan Ducass?

RORY

He brought Sherry.

LORELAI

I know.

RORY

This is a little. . .

LORELAI

Yeah.

RORY

Did you talk to her? Is she nice?

LORELAI

She’s a witch.

RORY

Oh, good.

LORELAI

So, what do we do?

RORY

What do you mean?

LORELAI

Come on, come on, come on. We gotta put on our hostessing hats and set a game plan here.

RORY

Oh yeah, I guess it would be impolite if we didn’t ask them to hang out with us.

LORELAI

So what do we do? Hit the vending machines?

RORY

Invite them to Luke’s?

LORELAI

Does she look like a diner chick to you?

RORY

Probably not.

LORELAI

I wish he had told me she was with him.

RORY

Where else can we invite them?

LORELAI

Al’s Pancake World.

RORY

No, it’s Friday. He does his prefix menu on Fridays.

LORELAI

Ugh. Well, there’s always our house.

RORY

It’s a mess.

LORELAI

Might be the safest?

RORY

Okay.

LORELAI

Why didn’t he mention that she was with him?

RORY

I don’t know.

CHRISTOPHER

It’s really just more of an impression than something I probably actually heard.

SOOKIE

But maybe someone implied that I was after him?

LORELAI

Oh, Sookie?

SOOKIE

Yeah?

LORELAI

You know what, you are the greatest chef in the world, bar none.

SOOKIE

Uh, thanks.

LORELAI

So, um, are you guys doing anything now?

CHRISTOPHER

Not really.

SHERRY

No, we’re pretty free for the rest of the day.

LORELAI

Well, why don’t you come back and see our place?

SHERRY

Oh, that would be great.

CHRISTOPHER

Yeah, Sherry would love that. Thanks Lor.

SHERRY

I was hoping we’d get a chance to see where Rory lives and her room.

RORY

Oh, my room’s really no big deal.

SHERRY

Oh, and the books. I’ve heard all about the books. I can’t wait to see the books.

LORELAI

Well, let’s go and see the books.

PARIS

Rory! So, great job. We pretty much wiped the floor with them.

RORY

Yeah, we turned them into cleaning products, definitely.

PARIS

Listen, the verbatim transcripts of the debate will be ready in about a half hour. I thought we could wait for them and sit and talk about what we did right, what we did wrong, compare wpm’s.

RORY

Well, I’m actually heading with my group back to our house, so I really can’t.

PARIS

Oh. Okay, whatever. If you don’t want to celebrate with me, that’s just fine.

LORELAI

You get the living room, I’ll get the kitchen!

RORY

What about the upstairs?

LORELAI

I’ll body block the fool who tries to go upstairs.

RORY

Company is stressful.

LORELAI

Ugh, don’t forget about your room!

RORY

What?

LORELAI

Your room! She wants to see the books!

RORY

Well, I’ll hit it next.

LORELAI

Ugh, they’re probably gonna want something to eat and drink.

RORY

Well, company usually does.

LORELAI

We have nothing.

RORY

We must have something.

LORELAI

Not unless Divine Providence has placed a miracle brie and cracker plate in the fridge.

RORY

We have leftover Halloween candy.

LORELAI

Aw, waste that on company?

RORY

Well, having company is about making sacrifices.

LORELAI

Martha Stewart?

RORY

I paraphrased Proust.

LORELAI

I should’ve known. Fine. Presentation is everything.

CHRISTOPHER

[calls from front door] Hello?

RORY

Hi Dad!

CHRISTOPHER

You guys need some more time to clean up?

LORELAI

He knows us too well.

RORY

Come on in. How’d you know we were cleaning?

CHRISTOPHER

Uh, well, when you cut us off in the parking lot and sped off doing sixty, I figured you were trying to beat us home for a reason.

SHERRY

I hope we’re not completely ruining your day.

LORELAI

Oh no, we love company. Please come in.

SHERRY

Your house is great.

LORELAI

Thanks, we like it. Have a seat.

SHERRY

Rory, you were wonderful in the debate today.

RORY

Thanks.

CHRISTOPHER

Uh, that Paris was a little intense.

LORELAI

Ha, a little? The opposing team could bring her up on war crimes.

RORY

Yeah, her approach will come in handy when she becomes a CEO or a dictator of a country or something.

SHERRY

Mm hmm. Well, you were very poised up there, very sure of yourself, just like your dad.

CHRISTOPHER

And your mom.

LORELAI

Aw shucks, Pa.

SHERRY

And your uniform is darling, really. I love the blue. Of course, I’m sure you look good in anything.

LORELAI

Oh yeah, you should see her in chaps.

SHERRY

Really?

RORY

No, that was just my mom being funny.

SHERRY

Oh.

LORELAI

Yeah, it comes and goes. You’ll learn to notice the signs.

CHRISTOPHER

The waves get really still, the animals start to act funny.

SHERRY

You know, I went to private school too.

RORY

Really?

SHERRY

Except that our colors were white and bright red. I looked hideous.

CHRISTOPHER

Oh, she’s being self-deprecating. You looked cute in that outfit.

SHERRY

No no, I looked like a peppermint stick. I swear, that’s where my addiction to clothes comes from. Trying to make up for all the years of having to wear the same thing everyday.

RORY

Yeah, I can understand that.

SHERRY

Well, we should go shopping sometime for clothes or whatever.

RORY

Yeah, we could do that.

SHERRY

Soon, okay?

RORY

Sure.

LORELAI

Hey, drinks. Who wants something to drink? I’ve got water, soda. . .

CHRISTOPHER

Uh, just water for me

SHERRY

Me too.

LORELAI

Oh, making it easy, I love it.

SHERRY

I’ll help you.

LORELAI

Oh, no, uh, well, okay. Sherry, you don’t have to help me.

SHERRY

No, I want to.

LORELAI

Great.

LORELAI

So, uh, do you want flat water or sparkling? I hope it’s flat because I don’t have sparkling. Or flat. Or ice cubes. I have cups, I think.

SHERRY

It’s a little awkward, isn’t it?

LORELAI

What?

SHERRY

Us, you and me, our being here.

LORELAI

Aw, no, not really.

SHERRY

But kind of, right?

LORELAI

Well, we’re just not used to having company.

SHERRY

I mean, you and Christopher were so close. I know it was years ago but these things are never simple.

LORELAI

Well, just in general, things like this are always awkward slightly, but only slightly. [opens fridge] Agh, look. Apple juice - with a perfectly respectable expiration date.

SHERRY

Look, I just want you to know that you should not feel like you need to get to know me.

LORELAI

Oh.

SHERRY

At all.

LORELAI

Okay.

SHERRY

I mean, just because Christopher and I are close doesn’t mean that we need to be close, or friends or anything for that matter.

LORELAI

No, I guess not.

SHERRY

I mean, except for our unexpected visit, we may never have even met.

LORELAI

I think we probably would’ve met eventually.

SHERRY

Perhaps, at some function or other.

LORELAI

Yeah - you, me, Martin Sheen all chained to the same tree.

SHERRY

But I do desperately wanna get to know Rory.

LORELAI

Well sure, she’s a great kid.

SHERRY

And that’s okay with you?

LORELAI

Yeah, that’s fine.

SHERRY

Oh, I’m so glad to hear that. Because things are kind of speeding up between me and Christopher and ...

LORELAI

Really?

SHERRY

Rory is so important to him.

LORELAI

Yeah, I know, she is.

SHERRY

And he told me about how he wasn’t really a presence in her life for years and how he’d like to make up for all that time that he wasted.

LORELAI

Well, he’s been doing really well lately.

SHERRY

I know. He is obsessive about his call dates to her. I mean, it doesn’t matter where we are or what we’re doing, he’s gotta call Rory Wednesday nights at seven o’clock. I like that about him.

LORELAI

Yeah, me too.

SHERRY

And he really wants me to bond with her too. It’s important with everything we have coming.

LORELAI

I totally understand.

SHERRY

Good, I’m glad.

LORELAI

Yeah.

SHERRY

So what are the chances of Rory and I getting together on this trip?

LORELAI

This trip?

SHERRY

How about tonight?

LORELAI

Tonight?

SHERRY

Rory seemed up for it.

LORELAI

Tonight huh? Well, uh, it’s kind of last minute and we’re supposed to go somewhere.

SHERRY

The Friday night dinner with your parents.

LORELAI

You know about those?

SHERRY

All about them, but Christopher said that you can get her out of them if there’s a pressing need.

LORELAI

Well, that’s true to a certain extent but - .

SHERRY

Well this is pressing. I am so forcing myself here it’s embarrassing, but that’s how important it is. I mean, who knows when this opportunity’s gonna present itself again, right?

LORELAI

Right.

SHERRY

So?

LORELAI

Well, um, sure. You’ll have to ask Rory but if it’s okay with her, it’s okay with me.

SHERRY

You know, you’re as great as Christopher said you were.

LORELAI

Well, he’s an excellent judge of character.

SHERRY

Okay, I’ll see you back out there? Okay.

CHRISTOPHER

Everything okay?

SHERRY

Yup, she found apple juice.

LORELAI

[from kitchen] Hey Rory, can you get that!

RORY

Let the machine pick it up.

LORELAI

No, it could be important.

RORY

Okay. [answers phone] Hello?

LORELAI

Hi, it’s me.

RORY

Oh, hi.

LORELAI

I’m still in the kitchen. Um, listen, I just wanted to tell you that Sherry just asked me if she could go out with you tonight just the two of you, and she sort of trapped me into saying that I could get you out of the Friday night dinner, which she knew all about. But I told her she had to run it past you first, so I can still get you out of it. Although, it might be a good idea to get a Sherry night out of the way because it seems kind of inevitable. So if you’re okay going with her, just say, um, ‘Sorry Leonard, we’ve got company, I have to call you back.’

RORY

Sorry Leonard, we’ve got company, I’ll have to call you back.

LORELAI

Oh, okay. Bye. [walks into the living room] Okay, here’s your drink. Who was that?

RORY

Um, that was Leonard.

LORELAI

Oh, did you tell him we have company?

RORY

Yeah.

CHRISTOPHER

Uh, who’s Leonard?

RORY

Oh, just a friend.

CHRISTOPHER

A friend of yours or a friend of Lorelai’s?

LORELAI

A mutual friend.

RORY

Yeah, it’s pretty much equal.

CHRISTOPHER

A mutual Leonard?

LORELAI

Yeah, we’re constantly fighting over him.

SHERRY

Rory, can I run something by you?

RORY

Oh sure.

SHERRY

Your dad and I are around for another night, and he’s totally sick of me.

CHRISTOPHER

Not true.

SHERRY

Anyhow, I was wondering if you wanted to do something with me tonight, just the two of us.

RORY

Oh, sure, that would be nice.

SHERRY

Really?

RORY

Yeah. I mean, um, if it’s okay with my mom because we do have a Grandma/Grandpa dinner tonight.

LORELAI

It’s fine by me.

SHERRY

Great. Oh, of course this does leave you a sad little orphan.

CHRISTOPHER

Oh, that’s okay. I’ll have one of my patented White Castle bachelor dinners.

LORELAI

Or you can come with me tonight. Uh, if you want.

CHRISTOPHER

To your parents?

LORELAI

Yeah, ‘cause with Rory not there I might need a hostage.

SHERRY

Oh, yes, do it.

CHRISTOPHER

Okay, it’s good grub. You sure they won’t be mad?

LORELAI

Hi, they like you.

CHRISTOPHER

True.

SHERRY

Great. Well, we should go get cleaned up for tonight then. Thanks for having us over like this.

LORELAI

Any time.

SHERRY

So we’ll swing by around six?

RORY

Oh, sounds good.

SHERRY

Okay.

CHRISTOPHER

Bye sweetie.

RORY

Bye Dad.

CHRISTOPHER

Bye Leonard.

LORELAI

Honey, hurry, they said six.

RORY

Yeah but it’s six Dad time so it’s more like six-thirty.

LORELAI

But Dad time is now linked to Sherry time and that Sherry seems awfully punctual.

RORY

That is so annoying.

LORELAI

We have to learn to live with each other’s deficiencies.

RORY

I’ll get it.

LORELAI

Oh, if it’s Leonard, tell him I’ll call him back.

RORY

He’s so needy. [answers phone] Hello?

LANE

Humongous snag in the CD drop plan.

RORY

What happened?

LANE

Bible class has been moved an hour later, all to accommodate the reverend’s handball schedule.

RORY

The reverend plays handball?

LANE

I’m just as appalled. So it’s at ten instead of nine.

RORY

Okay, I’ll make the necessary adjustments.

LANE

Thank you, thank you, thank you. So, anything new?

RORY

My dad brought his girlfriend to my debate.

LANE

The potential stepmom? Oh my God. Tell me what she’s like, what’d she say and tell me in like eleven seconds ‘cause it’s all the phone time I have left.

RORY

That’s too much pressure!

LANE

Well, then write a long descriptive letter about it all and slip it into the CD booklet. Oh, and try to include a candid Polaroid of her if you can.

RORY

I’ll try.

LANE

Gotta go.

RORY

Bye. [hangs up]

CHRISTOPHER

Hey, can we come in?

LORELAI

Yeah, come on in. Hey.

SHERRY

You look great.

LORELAI

Oh, thanks, you too.

SHERRY

Hi there, you ready to go?

RORY

All set.

SHERRY

Okay, so we won’t be too late, probably around ten.

LORELAI

Okay, well, if you wanna grab a drink after the movie, Rory’s got the list of places that serve minors.

RORY

Nah, I got a flask in my purse.

LORELAI

Ooh.

SHERRY

Okay, I’m gonna have to drink a lot of coffee to keep up with you two.

LORELAI

Damn, our secret’s been revealed.

SHERRY

Bye love.

CHRISTOPHER

Have fun

RORY

Okay.

LORELAI

Bye Sweets.

RORY

Bye.

CHRISTOPHER

There they go.

LORELAI

Yeah, there they go.

CHRISTOPHER

Sherry’s really excited about this. It’s such a great opportunity Lor. Thanks for making it happen.

LORELAI

That’s what I’m here for. Let me just get my coat and we can go.

CHRISTOPHER

Great.

LORELAI

Can I just ask you a quick question?

CHRISTOPHER

Sure, what?

LORELAI

When I invited you to Rory’s debate, was Sherry with you?

CHRISTOPHER

Yeah, of course. She’s been with me the whole trip. Why?

LORELAI

It’s just that you gave me no indication that she was with you.

CHRISTOPHER

What? I must have.

LORELAI

Nope, singular pronouns all the way.

CHRISTOPHER

I actually don’t remember what I said.

LORELAI

I do. You said, ‘I’ll be there’, as in just you.

CHRISTOPHER

Well, I may have said that but I wasn’t making a point of saying that. It just came out that way.

LORELAI

Okay, whatever, I was just wondering.

CHRISTOPHER

It’s okay that I brought Sherry along, isn’t it?

LORELAI

Absolutely. It was just a surprise, that’s all.

CHRISTOPHER

Okay.

LORELAI

So you weren’t trying to hide the fact?

CHRISTOPHER

No. I mean, obviously you were gonna find out she was with me once we arrived.

LORELAI

Obviously.

CHRISTOPHER

Okay then.

LORELAI

Okay.

CHRISTOPHER

So what do you think of her?

LORELAI

Oh, I don’t know her well enough to judge.

CHRISTOPHER

Well, that’s never stopped you from judging people before.

LORELAI

Hey buddy, I’m trying to grow here.

CHRISTOPHER

Well, if it helps, she was saying really nice things about you.

LORELAI

Really?

CHRISTOPHER

Yeah. She said you guys had a really nice talk in the kitchen.

LORELAI

Well, if that’s what she said, then I guess we did.

CHRISTOPHER

Lorelai, come on.

LORELAI

What?

CHRISTOPHER

You’re being very cryptic. Did something happen between you two?

LORELAI

No, I just. . .I thought our conversation in the kitchen was a little odd.

CHRISTOPHER

And this is being less cryptic?

LORELAI

It’s just that she went on and on about how we never have to be friends or get to know each other at all or try to force any kind of relationship.

CHRISTOPHER

Really? She never mentioned that part. Huh.

LORELAI

So how come she figures she never has to see me?

CHRISTOPHER

Well, I’m sure she was trying to make you feel at ease around her. Because it’s true, you guys don’t have to force anything.

LORELAI

Uh huh. Where’d she get this ‘don’t force it’ philosophy?

CHRISTOPHER

Not from me.

LORELAI

You sure?

CHRISTOPHER

Yes, I’m sure.

LORELAI

So she just wants to get to know Rory, not me.

CHRISTOPHER

Well, I did steer her toward bonding with Rory, I’ll admit that.

LORELAI

But not with me.

CHRISTOPHER

Rory’s my daughter Lorelai, Sherry has to get to know her.

LORELAI

I know.

CHRISTOPHER

I wasn’t purposely omitting you or telling her not to interact with you.

LORELAI

Oh good, so you’re not having me killed or anything like that?

CHRISTOPHER

No. In fact, I was just going over my ‘people to kill’ list and I don’t think you were on it.

LORELAI

Because by the very fact that Rory exists, I am in the picture.

CHRISTOPHER

You can back off Lorelai. You’ll be in Sherry’s life.

LORELAI

Good.

CHRISTOPHER

Not that you thought to do the same thing when you were in my shoes.

LORELAI

What? What are you talking about?

CHRISTOPHER

You have a fiancé, I believe.

LORELAI

Yes, Max.

CHRISTOPHER

Right, Max.

LORELAI

That was not the same thing.

CHRISTOPHER

Really? Max knew Rory, Max got close to Rory, right?

LORELAI

Yes.

CHRISTOPHER

Well, he and I never met. I didn’t even know he existed until late in the game. Hell, I didn’t even know you were engaged until you called me from your bachelorette party. And I wasn’t invited to the wedding – or did my invitation get lost in the mail?

LORELAI

Well, you’ve moved a lot this past year.

CHRISTOPHER

I was never part of that equation.

LORELAI

Okay, maybe. But trust me, you would’ve been part of the equation eventually. Really Chris, you would have.

CHRISTOPHER

Well then, trust me Lorelai, eventually you would’ve been part of this one.

EMILY

Christopher!

CHRISTOPHER

Hello Emily.

EMILY

Well, this is a surprise. Where’s Rory?

LORELAI

Uh, a last minute unexpected thing came up, but I brought a good substitute – half her genes in a nice nifty Christopher package.

EMILY

Well, we’re letting the freezing air get in. Come in, come in. Is she sick? There are terrible things making the rounds these days.

LORELAI

No, she’s not sick. Hi Dad.

RICHARD

Hello Lorelai. Christopher, this is a surprise!

CHRISTOPHER

A nice one, I hope.

RICHARD

A very nice one.

CHRISTOPHER

How are you Richard?

RICHARD

You’re looking well.

CHRISTOPHER

So are you. You playing a lot of golf lately?

RICHARD

Ah, well, more like it’s playing me. Oh, let’s not stand here. Come into the living room. Now, who wants a drink? Uh, martini, Manhattan, some scotch?

LORELAI

Yes please.

RICHARD

Uh, you wanna narrow that down for me?

LORELAI

Hooch is hooch Dad.

CHRISTOPHER

I’ll have a Manhattan.

EMILY

Same here.

RICHARD

Right.

EMILY

So you never said where Rory is.

RICHARD

Rory’s not here?

EMILY

Richard, you didn’t even notice your own granddaughter isn’t here?

RICHARD

Well, she’s so quiet she sometimes slips in unnoticed. She should work for the CIA. Uh, one cherry good for everybody?

CHRISTOPHER

Fine with me.

EMILY

Me too.

LORELAI

Eight please. I’m peckish.

EMILY

Well, I noticed that Rory isn’t here.

LORELAI

Well you’ve got that eagle eye, Mom.

CHRISTOPHER

I’m afraid it’s my fault Emily. My girlfriend and I were passing through town and we dropped by Stars Hollow for a visit, and she and Rory are off doing something together.

EMILY

You have a girlfriend?

CHRISTOPHER

Sherry.

EMILY

And she and Rory are out together?

LORELAI

I’m sorry. I should’ve called, Mom.

EMILY

Well, that would’ve been thoughtful. I mean, we set a place for her at the table and everything.

LORELAI

Well, Chris is here so it won’t go to waste.

CHRISTOPHER

Although normally I demand my own customized place setting.

EMILY

So how long have you been with this woman?

CHRISTOPHER

Eight months.

RICHARD

Mm, I bet she’s pretty.

LORELAI

Yes, she’s very pretty.

RICHARD

Uh, something in your eye Lorelai?

LORELAI

I got it.

EMILY

You’ve met this woman?

LORELAI

Yes, Mom, I met this woman today and she’s very nice.

RICHARD

Uh, what does she do? Does she work?

CHRISTOPHER

Uh, she’s the East Coast sales rep for Loreal Cosmetics.

RICHARD

Hm, that sounds like a lot of responsibility.

CHRISTOPHER

Keeps her busy, involves some travel.

EMILY

What are they doing?

LORELAI

What?

EMILY

Rory and Christopher’s friend – what are they doing tonight?

LORELAI

Dinner and a movie, something like that. It’s my fault that we didn’t call.

RICHARD

You work has you traveling too, I hear.

CHRISTOPHER

Some.

RICHARD

Everyone thinks that traveling on business is so glamorous but what they don’t realize is that the business traveler never gets to see the places he visits. My last trip to Rome, I spent the whole four days in a conference room by the airport. I might as well have been in French Lick, Indiana.

CHRISTOPHER

Well, my trips are mostly local, just me and my Volvo.

EMILY

You have a Volvo?

RICHARD

That’s new, isn’t it?

CHRISTOPHER

I just got it.

RICHARD

Excellent choice. It’s nice and safe. That’s a good family car.

LORELAI

It’s also excellent for cranking Metallica.

RICHARD

Cranking Metallica?

LORELAI

Mm hmm.

RICHARD

If that’s some sort of drug reference, it isn’t funny.

EMILY

So you’re planning on having a family?

CHRISTOPHER

What?

EMILY

With this woman?

LORELAI

Her name’s Sherry, Mom, and you’re really putting Chris on the spot here.

EMILY

Well, he bought a family car, it’s a natural question.

LORELAI

Dad called it a family car. I’m sure there’s nothing in the sales contract that says you have to have a family in order to buy the car.

CHRISTOPHER

Although I didn’t read all the fine print.

EMILY

You always drove a motorcycle before, didn’t you?

CHRISTOPHER

I still got it.

RICHARD

Oh, oh, a family man shouldn’t drive a motorcycle. The accidents I covered for the firm involving motorcycles – the worst, grisly. They use this industrial machine to scrape the victims off the road like a huge spatula.

LORELAI

Hey, mouthful of cherries here.

EMILY

So are you living together?

LORELAI

Mom, get out the interrogation lamp, why don’t you.

CHRISTOPHER

It’s okay. Yeah, but we’re looking for something bigger in the Boston area.

RICHARD

There are a lot of nice historical places up there.

CHRISTOPHER

Something historical in our price range would be perfect.

EMILY

You know historical homes are infested with mold, don’t you?

LORELAI

Mold?

EMILY

It gets inside the walls and grows out of sight and shoots off spores that slowly kill you and your family.

LORELAI

You should get a show on the Home and Garden channel, Mom.

RICHARD

When did you become an expert on mold, Emily?

EMILY

It was in the New York Times Magazine. I’d hold off buying a place with this woman until you look into this.

LORELAI

Sherry, Sherry.

CHRISTOPHER

Well, it’s actually gonna come down to whatever we can afford. It might just be a newly built place.

EMILY

With their shoddy craftsmanship? Oh, you don’t want that.

LORELAI

What does that leave them with, Mom – a teepee?

EMILY

I’m sorry. I just don’t think that Rory should miss our dinners for something other than sickness or emergencies. That was the agreement.

CHRISTOPHER

I’m sorry Emily, really.

LORELAI

Mom, Chris has apologized like a hundred times. How many more times do you wanna hear it?

CHRISTOPHER

Listen, I can call Sherry and have her and Rory come by after their movie, that way it won’t be a totally Rory-less evening.

EMILY

That’s not what I want.

LORELAI

Mom, we’re desperately trying to work with you here.

EMILY

Working with me is one thing, patronizing me is another. Excuse me. [leaves]

CHRISTOPHER

I feel horrible.

RICHARD

Oh, don’t son. That’s just Emily.

LORELAI

I’ll go see what I can do.

LORELAI

You wanna tell me what’s going on here?

EMILY

How can you let that horrible woman take Rory like that?

LORELAI

Okay Mom, calm down. It’s only one night.

EMILY

That’s how it starts. She’s just getting her claws into her.

LORELAI

Her claws?

EMILY

We’ll never see Rory again if that woman has her way.

LORELAI

Mom, hold it. Rory is my daughter, you know. I have some control over this.

EMILY

She’s not getting Rory on weekends, you can’t let that happen.

LORELAI

What is this about Mom? Why are you so flipped out?

EMILY

Lorelai, are you blind or just that humiliated?

LORELAI

Humiliated?

EMILY

Christopher gets his life together with that woman.

LORELAI

So, that’s good.

EMILY

It should’ve been you!

LORELAI

What?

EMILY

Don’t play dumb, Lorelai. You know it too, and deep down I know you’re heartbroken.

LORELAI

I’m not heartbroken.

EMILY

Well, I am.

LORELAI

Huh.

EMILY

I always had the picture in my mind of the three of you together. After all these years and after all the bad things that happened, Rory with both her parents. And now that Christopher’s got his life together, it’s with her and not you.

LORELAI

Mom, the timing was never right for us.

EMILY

That’s because you dawdled time away. You could’ve had that affect on him. You could’ve been the person to help him get his life together, but you made no effort!

LORELAI

Oh, so now this comes down to something I didn’t do? Don’t put that on me Mother!

EMILY

What other explanation is there? He’s always been crazy about you but you’ve always kept him at arms length. You keep everyone at arm’s length.

LORELAI

That’s not true!

EMILY

It is true! Your destiny was to be with Christopher and now it’s too late!

LORELAI

Then it wasn’t our destiny!

EMILY

So you’re saying that you don’t have feelings for him Lorelai, that all of this is just fine with you?

LORELAI

That’s not important.

EMILY

It’s not?

LORELAI

No. What’s important is that Christopher is doing well and he’s happy and we should be happy for him.

EMILY

You’re impossible. I need to lie down. Tell Christopher – tell him whatever you like, I don’t care.

LUKE

Hey.

LORELAI

Hey.

LUKE

You alone this morning?

LORELAI

No, Rory’s with me. She just had to run an errand.

LUKE

Well, take whatever table you want.

LORELAI

Okay.

LUKE

You okay?

LORELAI

Yeah.

LUKE

You don’t seem your chipper self.

LORELAI

I brought some sparklers. I’ll light them later and do some kicks.

LUKE

You know, if you want I can clear the counter and you can play some bagel hockey.

LORELAI

You can’t play bagel hockey by yourself.

LUKE

I’ll play with you. You’ll have to explain the rules.

LORELAI

It’s okay. I’m just trying to recover from last night. It was one of those nights where you start off stepping in quicksand and end up with a sixteen-ton anvil landing on your head.

LUKE

I’ve had plenty of those. I’ll bring some coffee.

LORELAI

Can’t hurt.

RORY

You order?

LORELAI

Oh, just coffee. God, I must’ve been sound asleep when you got home last night.

RORY

You were snoring like a buzz saw.

LORELAI

I believe that’s defined as a superfluous comment.

RORY

Yes, you were sound asleep.

LORELAI

So, I’m dying to hear about your night with Sherry. How was it? Give it to me, A to Z, beginning to end, soup to nuts.

RORY

Well, she is what she seems.

LORELAI

Details please.

RORY

She’s a very cautious driver. She doesn’t roll through stop signs, doesn’t speed, she always signals before she turns.

LORELAI

Hm. Commendable, but not the person I want driving our getaway car.

RORY

What are we robbing?

LORELAI

Sephora. We had it all planned out.

RORY

Slipped my mind.

LORELAI

What’s her music taste?

RORY

Big Bruce Springsteen fan. Seen him like twenty times.

LORELAI

Blue collar roots or is she just slumming?

RORY

Oh, her father owned a shoe store and her mom taught kindergarten.

LORELAI

Wow, you guys really got into some details.

RORY

She was definitely in bonding mode.

LORELAI

What else, what else?

RORY

She’s very touchy-feely. Hand on the shoulder, lots of hugs.

LORELAI

She didn’t try to get fresh, did she?

RORY

Gross!

LORELAI

Go on.

RORY

Um, she’s had one prior serious relationship in her life.

LORELAI

Finally, the juicy stuff.

RORY

And it lasted eleven years.

LORELAI

Eleven years? And she never got married?

RORY

She said she never thought about it with her career and all, but now she’s thinking about it more and more.

LORELAI

Tick tock, tick tock.

RORY

And the past couple of years she hasn’t even dated anyone unless she thought that for sure it could be a lasting relationship, and she’s got some specific goals now concerning children.

LORELAI

Oh, here we go.

RORY

She wants at least two, and before she met Dad she was seriously considering single parenthood.

LORELAI

That’s wanting kids.

RORY

That’s about it.

LORELAI

Yeah?

RORY

Oh, she works for Loreal.

LORELAI

Hm, I heard that.

RORY

I’m tapped. How was your night?

LORELAI

Oh, well, fine. Just took Mom a whole five minutes before she self-combusted and left the room in tears.

RORY

What?

LORELAI

She freaked out that you were with Sherry, can you believe that?

RORY

She freaked?

LORELAI

Totally. She kept calling her ‘that woman’.

RORY

Well, what did she think, that you were gonna come home and find a rabbit boiling on the stove?

LORELAI

No, it had to do with her and Christopher and . . . anyway, eventually she came down and had a pouty dinner.

RORY

So it ended up okay?

LORELAI

For the most part.

RORY

Is she mad at me?

LORELAI

No, the angel child, never.

LUKE

Here you go. [brings their coffee]

RORY

Thank you.

LORELAI

Thanks. So, um, I wanna ask you something.

RORY

Ask.

LORELAI

When you’ve thought about me and your dad – what have you been thinking all these years?

RORY

Um, what do you mean?

LORELAI

I mean, did you ever picture us potentially together, like ‘we are family’ together?

RORY

Well, not really.

LORELAI

But sort of, it crossed your mind?

RORY

I feel like I’m on the Ricki Lake show.

LORELAI

Go Rory, go Rory.

RORY

Well, I’ll admit that I have pictured the three of us living together at various times, but in the way that all kids picture their estranged parents living together or the way they should be together, but it’s stupid.

LORELAI

It’s not stupid.

RORY

Yeah, I’ve pictured it.

LORELAI

Hm.

RORY

But I also pictured you with Pee-Wee Herman.

LORELAI

Wow.

RORY

Yeah. We lived in his playhouse and we’d be talking to Chairy and Captain Carl would be walking by.

LORELAI

[laughs] Fun!

RORY

Yeah. Oh, and later I pictured you marrying Matthew Broderick, and we lived in New York in this great apartment in the village and we would talk about his Ferris Bueller days.

LORELAI

Just think how easy Producers tickets would be to get.

RORY

Oh, it would be fourth row center every night.

LORELAI

I’m sorry that Matthew and I couldn’t work it out, honey.

RORY

I’ll try to get over it.

LORELAI

So should it have been me?

RORY

Huh? Oops, sorry! Zero hour – I have to go. I’ll be right back. [leaves]

KIRK

Excuse me Mrs. Kim, I’m Kirk.

MRS. KIM

I know you’re Kirk. I’ve known you since you were two.

KIRK

That’s no guarantee that people remember me.

MRS. KIM

We’re in a hurry.

KIRK

I won’t take up much of your time. I was just wondering what your store hours are.

MRS. KIM

For people who come to buy things, come with cash, it’s ten to six, Sunday through Friday. For people who wander around, blocking aisles, touching things with dirty hands, never buying or asking for eighty percent off, we’re closed.

KIRK

I should jot this down. You said ten to six, that’s ten a.m.?

MRS. KIM

Yes.

KIRK

Okay, got it, thanks for your time.

RORY

Oh my God. Michel, are you okay?

MICHEL

I’ve been running around this stupid square for over an hour.

RORY

Why?

MICHEL

Why? Because the plan was to drop the CD at nine o’clock.

RORY

No, it got changed to ten. I told my mom and she said she’d pass it on. She didn’t pass it on, did she?

MICHEL

Definitely not.

RORY

Oh, well the mission was a success.

MICHEL

Yes, my cardiologist will be thrilled. Ah! I’ve got a cramp, I’ve got a cramp!

RORY

Can I do anything for you?

MICHEL

Ah, get away from me evil girl!

RORY

But -.

MICHEL

Never will I do anything for you again, ever, ever, never!

RORY

Well if it makes you feel any better, you had really good form.

MICHEL

You are your mother’s child.

RORY

Thank you!

LORELAI

Hey you guys.

CHRISTOPHER

Hey.

SHERRY

We just wanted to say a last goodbye. Rory’s not here?

LORELAI

She went outside somewhere. You can probably find her.

SHERRY

Oh, okay. I think I will. We had such a great time last night. So I hear your dinner was good?

LORELAI

Uh, yeah, it was great.

SHERRY

I would love to see that house sometime, especially the portrait of Rory in the study. Any way I could get a picture?

LORELAI

I can send you one.

SHERRY

That would be great! So she’s outside?

LORELAI

Somewhere.

SHERRY

I’m gonna try to corral her.

CHRISTOPHER

Yeah, bring her by so I can see her too.

SHERRY

Okay. Bye Lorelai. Thanks for everything.

LORELAI

Oh, you’re welcome. Bye.

CHRISTOPHER

So, quaint evening of theater last night.

LORELAI

Ah yes, the Gilmore family players rival the Barrymores for their sophisticated, dramatic productions.

CHRISTOPHER

I never thought she’d freak over Rory not being there like that. I never wanted to put you in that position.

LORELAI

Oh, you couldn’t have known.

CHRISTOPHER

I mean, Rory’s missed the occasional dinner before.

LORELAI

Yeah, well, this was compounded by other things.

CHRISTOPHER

What other things?

LORELAI

You should know as well as I that when it comes to Emily Gilmore, it’s never simple.

CHRISTOPHER

Got it. Ah, looks like they found each other. You know, Sherry had a really good time last night. I hope Rory did too.

LORELAI

Yeah, she seemed to.

CHRISTOPHER

Good, good.

LORELAI

So Chris, before you go, um, I have something I wanna say to you.

CHRISTOPHER

Uh oh.

LORELAI

It’s not an uh oh.

CHRISTOPHER

Okay, what?

LORELAI

Well, I, um, I kind of realized something with you and Sherry visiting and God help me, because of something my mother said to me.

CHRISTOPHER

Wow, inspiration can come from the unlikeliest sources.

LORELAI

I was just thinking, you know, all these years, no matter what my relationship status has been, whether I’ve been dating or hibernating or whatever, I think I’ve always had you in the back of my mind - you know, the prospect of us being together. But this prospect was sort of indefinitely on hold while you, you know, found yourself and, uh, got your personal life together so that you could really be there for me and especially for Rory. But you and I have been so linked in my mind that I think I have unconsciously sabotaged every decent relationship I’ve had, including the one with Max, because I was waiting for you, and I shouldn’t have been. And now that I see that, and I see you settling down with Sherry, I think I can move beyond it.

CHRISTOPHER

Good, I’m really glad this is good for you Lorelai.

LORELAI

It is. Chris?

CHRISTOPHER

How dare you put that on me?

LORELAI

I’m just thanking you.

CHRISTOPHER

Well, don’t.

LORELAI

What’s wrong?

CHRISTOPHER

What’s wrong? Dammit Lorelai, you’re dumping fifteen years of unhappiness on me? Fifteen years of not having healthy, lasting relationships on me? You’re blaming me for breaking up with Max and not marrying him? That’s all my fault?

LORELAI

No, I just - .

CHRISTOPHER

I did nothing to deserve that.

LORELAI

I’m not saying that you did.

CHRISTOPHER

You’re as good as saying it.

LORELAI

No, I’m not.

CHRISTOPHER

Then what did you expect to come from this divine revelation that you’ve been so kind to share with me? Did you want me to apologize to you for ruining your life or comfort you and say ‘there, there, everything’s gonna be all right’ so you can feel okay? Forget it!

LORELAI

Chris, wait!

CHRISTOPHER

Look, if there’s anything else you feel bad about in your life that you wanna dump on my doorstep, just leave a note! [leaves]