T2E15: “Lost and Found”

LORELAI

It still hurts.

RORY

Do you need stitches?

LORELAI

Probably.

RORY

Well, then we should go to a doctor.

LORELAI

No, no doctors. You go into a hospital, you don’t come out again.

RORY

Well said, Ida Morgenstern.

LORELAI

I’m starving. I need pancakes.

RORY

Can I just ask – .

LORELAI

No.

RORY

What on earth you thought you were doing?

LORELAI

I thought I was being a self-sufficient woman.

RORY

You hate ladders, you hate heights.

LORELAI

We needed our rain gutters cleaned.

RORY

Yeah, well, hire somebody.

LORELAI

Oh, well, aren’t we suddenly a Rockefeller.

RORY

Well, it’s better than you killing yourself.

LORELAI

Oh, I’m fine. I’m just being dramatic. It’s what I do.

RORY

No more ladders.

LORELAI

I promise.

RORY

Okay.

LORELAI

I think I have gangrene.

RORY

You do not.

LORELAI

And vertigo.

RORY

Oh boy.

LORELAI

And one leg suddenly feels shorter than the other.

RORY

This is gonna be the Vanity Fair paper cut incident all over again, isn’t it?

LORELAI

Wow!

RORY

Leave your bandage alone.

LORELAI

Look, it’s turning purple, but a really glowy purple. Look!

RORY

No, thanks.

LORELAI

Hm. Maybe our rain gutters are radioactive or made out of some kind of alien metal so that when I cut my hand I got infected with an extraterrestrial substance which is altering my internal makeup. Ugh, maybe I’ll turn into a superhero.

RORY

Maybe.

LORELAI

Like, maybe tomorrow I’ll wake up and suddenly be able to shower really fast.

RORY

We’ll go pick out your cape after breakfast.

LORELAI

God, I’m starving. Must be from the loss of blood.

RORY

Yes, that must be it.

LORELAI

I’m getting pancakes with a side of pancakes. Where’s Luke?

RORY

I don’t know. Storage room?

LORELAI

Oh no.

RORY

Caesar’s cooking.

LORELAI

Why is Caesar cooking?

RORY

I don’t know.

LORELAI

That’s bad.

RORY

His pancakes stink.

LORELAI

They do stink.

RORY

Well, what do we do? Resort to doughnuts.

LORELAI

Wait here.

LORELAI

Hey Luke, are you in there?

LUKE

Ow!

LORELAI

Luke, are you okay?

LUKE

Stupid box! Stupid lamp!

LORELAI

Hey Luke, are you being attacked by your possessions again?

LORELAI

Hi.

LUKE

Hi.

LORELAI

Whatcha doing?

LUKE

I’m looking for my supply ledger.

LORELAI

Is it going well?

LUKE

It’s going fine.

LORELAI

You have a sock on your shoulder. Is it helping you look?

LUKE

What are you doing up here?

LORELAI

Rory and I are starving. We need you to cook us breakfast. [she walks into the apartment] Oh my God.

LUKE

Caesar can make you breakfast.

LORELAI

What happened to this place?

LUKE

Nothing.

LORELAI

This is what I always pictured the inside of my head to look like.

LUKE

See if you can find a brown leather ledger.

LORELAI

I’ve never seen so much stuff. It looks like a white trash Hearst Castle in here.

LUKE

On second thought, I’ll find it myself.

LORELAI

Where’d all this come from?

LUKE

Jess. Liz shipped the rest of his stuff last week. He finally unpacked.

LORELAI

Well, he did a very nice job.

LUKE

I know it’s crazy now, but I just have to get it all organized, figure out where to put everything, buy another dresser, a portable wardrobe, some storage bins.

LORELAI

Can of gasoline, box of matches.

LUKE

Did I mention that Caesar can cook you breakfast?

LORELAI

But he doesn’t make the good fluffy pancakes like you do.

LUKE

Then order eggs.

LORELAI

No! See, I had a near death experience today.

LUKE

Really?

LORELAI

Yes. I almost fell off the roof of my house trying to clean the rain gutters, so I have to have pancakes. Please? I’ll help you shower when I become a superhero.

LUKE

You’ve been in there for two hours.

JESS

Yeah, well my hair just ain’t bouncin’ and behavin’ today.

LUKE

There are other people living here too, you know.

JESS

Huh, learn something new everyday. [leaves]

LORELAI

Well, his people skills are really improving.

LUKE

Go downstairs. I’ll be there as soon as I can.

LORELAI

How long is that?

LUKE

I don’t know.

LORELAI

An estimate.

LUKE

I don’t know.

LORELAI

Ballpark figure.

LUKE

I - .

LORELAI

Off the top of your head.

LUKE

Will you –

LORELAI

Did I mention that I almost fell off my roof today?

LUKE

I’d lie down if I could find the bed.

LORELAI

Oh, is this what you’re looking for?

LUKE

Yes, great, thank you.

LORELAI

Not unless you make me the pancakes.

LUKE

Give me the book.

LORELAI

Give me the pancake!

LUKE

Come on.

LORELAI

Thank you.

LUKE

You sure you weren’t almost pushed off the roof of your house today?

LORELAI

Well, I think I’m finally ready to get a tattoo.

RORY

Oh please.

LORELAI

I am.

RORY

You’ve been saying that for the last five years.

LORELAI

I know, but I mean it this time.

RORY

Fine, what are you getting?

LORELAI

Mel Brooks.

RORY

Why?

LORELAI

What do you mean, why? The Two Thousand Year Old Man, Young Frankenstein, Silent Movie – you don’t think Mel has earned the right to have his face on my butt?

RORY

I am so sorry, Mel.

LORELAI

Oh, he’ll love it, trust me. So, rocky road hot fudge sundaes and two cans of whipped cream to go with the movies?

RORY

Trying to give Mel a bigger canvas to work with?

LORELAI

Hey, the man’s a legend, he deserves the best.

LORELAI

Hey.

RORY

What?

LORELAI

Luke.

RORY

What’s he doing?

LORELAI

I’m not sure. Hey, will you go get the ice cream and make sure they give us a ton of maraschino cherries?

RORY

Okay.

LORELAI

Thanks.

LORELAI

Hey

LUKE

Hey, what are you doing?

LORELAI

Oh, uh, Rory and I just hit the video store. Now we’re on our way home to eat a large amount of something you would not approve of.

LUKE

Sounds good.

LORELAI

What are you doing?

LUKE

Oh, watching TV.

LORELAI

Ah. Wow, that’s cute. Is this the first time it’s been away from its mother?

LUKE

It’s a very good TV.

LORELAI

Hm, black and white, coat hanger antenna, really bad reception.

LUKE

It’s fine.

LORELAI

Don’t you have a fully grown TV upstairs?

LUKE

Yeah, well, Jess is upstairs.

LORELAI

So?

LUKE

So when Jess is upstairs, that means the stereo’s blaring and the place is a mess. I just needed a little privacy.

LORELAI

So you came downstairs.

LUKE

Yes.

LORELAI

To sit on an uncomfortable chair in an empty diner that smells like onion rings.

LUKE

Yes.

LORELAI

Calgon, take me away.

LUKE

It was very peaceful until two minutes ago.

LORELAI

Hey Luke, do you ever think that, uh, maybe you should get a bigger apartment?

LUKE

I don’t need a bigger apartment.

LORELAI

That place upstairs was your father’s office. You turned it into an apartment. It was never meant to be lived in.

LUKE

It’s fine.

LORELAI

It’s too small for two people. It’s too small for one person if they have any kind of life.

LUKE

We’ll make due, we just need to organize.

LORELAI

No, you don’t need to organize. You need to move.

LUKE

I like my apartment.

LORELAI

It’s not just your apartment. Jess lives there also.

LUKE

Jess is fine.

LORELAI

Are you sure? Because he could be pinned down under a box for a year in that place and you wouldn’t know it until the neighbors started to complain about the smell.

RORY

Hey Luke.

LUKE

Rory, perfect, get her out of here. Go.

LORELAI

But, uh, okay, fine. I’m leaving. Think about what I said.

LUKE

Oh, hey, did you ever hire anybody to do that work for you?

LORELAI

What?

LUKE

The rain gutters.

LORELAI

Oh, no, not yet. Are you offering?

LUKE

No, actually, I was thinking about Jess.

LORELAI

Uh, Jess?

LUKE

Yeah, he’s always looking for a little extra cash. He doesn’t make that much here, and, you know, I hate to think of where else he might try to get it, so...

LORELAI

Huh.

LUKE

I mean, you don’t have to pay him the same as would someone else, and you save a little, he keeps busy.

LORELAI

Yeah, well, maybe. Um, I actually have to check with a couple of people I’m supposed to hear from, but if they can’t do it, then sure.

LUKE

Great, just let me know.

LORELAI

I will. Bye.

RORY

So who are all these people you asked to clean out our gutters?

LORELAI

Oh, well, you know.

RORY

I do?

LORELAI

Sh-yeah.

RORY

Remind me.

LORELAI

Okay, well, there’s Sid.

RORY

Oh, Sid, right.

LORELAI

And then there’s Lou.

RORY

Yeah, a good man, Lou.

LORELAI

Oh, and also Moose. That is, if Doris will let him out of the house again, you know, after that incident at Chicky’s bachelor party.

RORY

I thought you said you were gonna give Jess a chance.

LORELAI

I am.

RORY

Then why don’t you hire him?

LORELAI

I’m just not very comfortable with him, Rory.

RORY

Well, try and get comfortable.

LORELAI

Well, I don’t know if I can.

RORY

But you said - .

LORELAI

I know what I said, but I can’t help it.

RORY

How many times do I have to tell you – .

LORELAI

That I don’t know the real Jess?

RORY

You don’t.

LORELAI

Well, fine, I don’t know him, but I’m not too fond of his stand in.

RORY

People are different once you get to know them. If you’ll remember, you weren’t too fond of Luke when you first met him.

LORELAI

That’s not true.

RORY

You called him Duke for two years just to make him mad.

LORELAI

And let me tell you, it worked.

RORY

But then you guys talked and eventually, time went by, and now you love him.

LORELAI

Well. . .

RORY

I’m just asking you to give Jess that same chance.

LORELAI

Rory, you like him. I don’t have to like him.

RORY

Please?

LORELAI

Can I at least call him Tess for a little while?

RORY

You’ll give him the job?

LORELAI

I’ll give him the job.

RORY

Thank you.

LORELAI

You’re welcome. Tell me something.

RORY

What?

LORELAI

Why is it so important to you that I like him?

RORY

Well, I just think that he’s Luke’s nephew and we like Luke and we eat at Luke’s everyday, and we see Jess when we eat there everyday, and that it just might make things nicer if you liked him.

LORELAI

And that’s the only reason?

RORY

Yes.

LORELAI

It’s all about Luke and the diner?

RORY

Yes.

LORELAI

It has nothing to do with you?

RORY

No.

LORELAI

So you and Jess aren’t friends?

RORY

Well, yeah, we’re friends.

LORELAI

Uh huh.

RORY

I mean, we’re not good friends but we’re friends. We’re friendly. But that doesn’t mean that we’re friends in the traditional Webster’s dictionary definition of friends.

LORELAI

Right.

RORY

Friendish might be a better term.

LORELAI

Okay, friendish. Got it.

MISS PATTY

And walk, and walk, and pump your arms and walk. And shoulders back, tucus in, think about that double chin and walk and walk and walk and tummies tight and walk. Match me sweetheart.

LUKE

Jess? [Luke turns the music off] How can anyone sleep through that? It’s like the Huns are attacking and you’re just – well, you’re oblivious and that’s why you can just lie there while the rest of the world is going - . [he knocks over his little television] Great! Dammit! Dammit! Dammit! Dammit!

JESS

Whoa, geez, what the hell?

LUKE

I can’t stand it, I’m going crazy. This place is awful. I can’t live like this anymore.

JESS

Just relax.

LUKE

I can’t relax. I can’t sleep. I’m having nightmares about being chased around by boxes with arms and they tackle me and pile clothing on top of my face and secure it around my head with packing tape and I’m just lying there choking while you’re sitting in the corner laughing, putting gel in your hair with a switchblade!

JESS

Should I be putting a tongue depressor in your mouth right about now?

LUKE

We’re moving.

JESS

What?

LUKE

Tomorrow.

JESS

What are you talking about?

LUKE

I’m talking about you and me going out, getting a paper, and finding a new place to live.

JESS

But I – .

LUKE

No buts. Ten o’clock tomorrow morning I want you up, washed, moussed, and ready to leave, end of story. Now go back to bed. What?

JESS

I need the music on to sleep.

JESS

Forget it.

LUKE

Why, what was wrong with that one?

JESS

It was pink.

LUKE

We can paint it.

JESS

You mean I can paint it.

LUKE

We can paint it together.

JESS

Great, then we can hold hands and skip afterwards.

LUKE

Fine, which one do you like?

JESS

The one before.

LUKE

The one with the two fridges?

JESS

No.

LUKE

Well, the one before was the one with two fridges.

JESS

No, the one we saw before was the one with the cat.

LUKE

I hate cats.

JESS

Well, I don’t think the cat came with the place.

LUKE

Yeah, but it had carpeting which means it’s always gonna smell like a cat.

JESS

Clean the carpet.

LUKE

Paint the pink.

JESS

Fine, the one next to the bank.

LUKE

Too many windows.

JESS

What?

LUKE

Six windows all on one side, three o’clock in the afternoon – we’re sitting in an oven.

JESS

So we get curtains.

LUKE

Well, you’ll have to help me put them up.

JESS

Great, then we can hold hands and skip afterwards.

LUKE

Stop saying that.

JESS

You know what, I don’t care. Pick whichever one you want.

LUKE

I’m not picking by myself.

JESS

You’re the one who wants to move.

LUKE

Oh, so you like living the way we do?

JESS

Fine by me.

LUKE

No space, no privacy.

JESS

I got plenty of privacy.

LUKE

Yeah, because I’m sitting downstairs in the dark watching a two-inch V.

JESS

Hey, you’re the one with the problem, you make the choice.

LUKE

Jess, come on.

JESS

I have to go.

LUKE

We got three more places to look at.

JESS

I’m supposed to be at Lorelai’s in twenty minutes, remember?

LUKE

Oh, yeah.

JESS

I mean, if you want me to bail on her, fine.

LUKE

Nah, you go. I’ll look at the places all alone.

JESS

Great idea.

LUKE

I’ll take some Polaroids and you can take a look at them later.

JESS

Take a Polaroid, paint a still picture, whatever you want.

LUKE

Jess, come on.

JESS

Hey, nobody asked me if I wanted to move to Stars Hollow, but I’m here. Pick whatever place you want and I’ll be there too.

RORY

Mom?

LORELAI

Come here, come here, come here.

RORY

I’m here, what’s the matter?

LORELAI

Sit, sit, sit. Okay, that should do it.

RORY

Do what?

LORELAI

Wait.

RORY

What are we waiting for?

LORELAI

Patience, grasshopper.

RORY

Are we close?

LORELAI

Very close. Hm, getting closer.

RORY

Should I get chips?

LORELAI

Ready, and – .

RORY

The clock is grunting.

LORELAI

This, my friend, is a state of the art CD/clock radio that enables you to wake up to the barnyard animal of your choice.

RORY

That is great.

LORELAI

I have selected the perky piggies. You might choose the cheery chickens or the goofy goats.

RORY

That is closest to a farm that I ever wanna get.

LORELAI

Amen, sister friend.

RORY

I’ll get it. [answers the door] Hey.

JESS

Here. [tosses her a CD]

RORY

The Shaggs?

JESS

Trust me

RORY

Okay. So you’re very punctual.

JESS

Yeah, well, it was this or continue apartment hunting with Luke.

RORY

You’re moving?

JESS

I don’t know. Luke flipped out last night and next thing I know, he’s dragging me all over town banging on pipes and measuring square footage. It’s crazy.

RORY

A new place might be nice. More space, maybe you’ll get your own room.

JESS

You change your hair?

RORY

What?

JESS

Your hair looks different.

RORY

So, segue’s not your thing, huh?

JESS

Is it?

RORY

Well, um, no, I wear it like this a lot. Why?

JESS

Just looks different.

RORY

Oh, bad different?

LORELAI

[from living room] Hey, ducks!

RORY

We just got a new alarm clock.

JESS

Huh. Bet I know what the lead story in the Stars Hollow Gazette’s gonna be tomorrow.

LORELAI

Hey, did you hear the ducks ‘cause they’re great. Oh Jess, you’re here, terrific.

RORY

So, um, would you like to come in?

LORELAI

Oh, yeah, come on in. Sorry, it’s just. . .so excited about the ducks that, uh. . .do you want something to drink? You have good timing ‘cause we shopped yesterday, and in addition to a case of Maybelline Fresh Lash Mascara, I also bought some of that new, uh, freaky Coke with the lemon in it. It’s very addictive.

RORY

You can sit, you know.

JESS

No thanks.

LORELAI

So, Jess, what’s new?

JESS

Not much.

RORY

Jess and Luke are looking for an apartment.

LORELAI

Oh, you guys see anything good yet?

JESS

Nope.

LORELAI

Well, you know, there’s some really cool places over on Peach. Or on Plum. Hm, Orange. Basically, any of your fruit named streets are pretty nice. Okay, well, I guess you should get started. Um, there’s a ladder right out front and some buckets and gloves and stuff on the porch. You need anything else, just walk against the wind.

RORY

Come on, I’ll show you.

LORELAI

I’m trying.

RORY

Well, keep it up.

RORY

Question.

JESS

Yes?

RORY

You come over. You seem to have a very firm grasp of the English language. You put together several full sentences, even using a couple of words that contain two or more syllables, and then my mother appears and suddenly we need a thought bubble over your head to understand what you’re thinking. Can you tell me why that is?

JESS

The verbal thing comes and goes.

RORY

I would really appreciate it if you would try to get along with my mom.

JESS

I took the Coke.

RORY

I know.

JESS

Personally, I think it’s a little crazy to put lemon in Coke but I took it anyhow.

RORY

Stop it.

JESS

Ooh, stern face.

RORY

Look, I went out on a limb for you trying to get my mom to give you the benefit of the doubt, okay? So I don’t think it would hurt you to try to be nice.

JESS

Why?

RORY

Why?

JESS

Yeah, why?

RORY

Because she’s my mom and she’s a friend of Luke’s.

JESS

So?

RORY

What do you mean, so?

JESS

So just because she’s your mom or Luke’s friend doesn’t mean that I automatically have to get along with her.

RORY

Jess, my mother is a great person. She’s also my best friend in the world, so if you care about me at all, you will take that into consideration and you will be mildly polite to her.

JESS

What makes you think I care about you?

RORY

I don’t mean care care, like care. I mean if you like me at all. . . not like like. I just meant that if. . . if you think of me remotely as the sort of person that you could occasionally stand to talk to then you will try to get along with my mom, that’s all.

JESS

Okay.

RORY

Okay?

JESS

I can’t guarantee that it’ll work, but I’ll try.

RORY

Thank you.

JESS

You’re welcome. I should probably get to work.

RORY

Right. Sorry, go ahead.

RORY

Inherit the Wind, seventy-five cents.

DEAN

Great.

RORY

Now, here’s a copy of Rilke's Letters to a Young Poet – which I already have, but in hardback. This is a paperback – fits perfectly in a coat pocket and it’s only a dollar. I’m torn. Opinions?

DEAN

Get it.

RORY

You look bored.

DEAN

I’m fine.

RORY

You sure you don’t wanna look around? They have great stuff here.

DEAN

I looked.

RORY

For five minutes.

DEAN

No, I looked for twenty minutes and then I stopped and you continued for another two hours.

RORY

It has not been that long. Oh, sorry.

DEAN

No big deal.

RORY

Let’s go.

DEAN

Are you done?

RORY

Yup, I’ve looked enough.

DEAN

You’re not done.

RORY

No, I’m fine, really. Let’s go.

DEAN

Rory, stop it. You wanna keep looking, I know you.

RORY

No, I wanna hang out with you.

DEAN

Are you sure?

RORY

Yes, I’ll just pay for these and then we can go.

DEAN

I thought maybe we can go see The Lord of the Rings again.

RORY

Oh, okay.

DEAN

What?

RORY

Nothing.

DEAN

Well, I thought you loved The Lord of the Rings.

RORY

I do.

DEAN

You said you wanted to see it a hundred times.

RORY

Yes, and apparently we’re being very literal these days.

DEAN

Fine, we’ll see something else.

RORY

Lord of the Rings is fine. Can you help me with these?

KIRK

I’ll give you fifty-five cents.

GYPSY

It’s sixty-five.

KIRK

Fifty-five cents.

GYPSY

Kirk, it’s for charity. There’s no haggling.

KIRK

Oh no, there’s always haggling. Sixty cents.

GYPSY

No.

KIRK

That’s my final offer.

GYPSY

I’m sorry, I can’t.

KIRK

Fine.

GYPSY

Kirk, come on.

KIRK

No.

GYPSY

Cough up another nickel.

KIRK

Forget it – it’s the principal of the thing. [walks away]

GYPSY

Wow, you made out like a bandit.

RORY

Well, you’ve got great stuff this year.

GYPSY

Hey, did you see the astronomy section over there?

RORY

Oh, yeah.

GYPSY

Didn’t find anything?

RORY

Nope.

DEAN

Wait, I didn’t see you look over there.

RORY

Well, I did.

DEAN

Go look.

RORY

I told you I’m done.

DEAN

Hey, where. . . where’s your bracelet?

RORY

What?

DEAN

You’re not wearing your bracelet.

RORY

Oh.

DEAN

Where is it?

RORY

I took it off.

DEAN

Why?

RORY

Well, because I got this weird rash on my wrist.

DEAN

From the bracelet?

RORY

Oh no, just a fluke thing. Actually, I think my Spanish midterm gave it to me.

DEAN

Oh.

RORY

But it’s getting better – it’s almost gone.

DEAN

Well, good.

RORY

And as soon as it’s completely gone, that bracelet goes right back on.

DEAN

So, uh, compromise.

RORY

What?

DEAN

You go look at the astronomy section, we’ll go see Lord of the Rings, and on the way home we’ll rent Autumn in New York and mock it for the rest of the afternoon.

RORY

With full-on impressions?

DEAN

With full-on impressions.

RORY

Deal.

DEAN

Go, I’ll wait here. Smiling, not at all bored.

KIRK

Sixty-two cents.

GYPSY

Get out of here Kirk.

KIRK

Damn.

LORELAI

Jess? Hey, Jess!

JESS

Sorry, too loud?

LORELAI

Oh, no, it’s fine. Uh, it’s just. . . I got a ton of leftover Chinese food in the kitchen. I thought you might like some lunch.

JESS

No thanks.

LORELAI

Okay.

JESS

Chinese sounds great.

LORELAI

Really?

JESS

If you’re sure you have enough.

LORELAI

There’s plenty. Rory and I decided to take on the entire chicken column last night.

JESS

Ambitious.

LORELAI

Well, it’s all out on the table, so come in when you’re ready.

JESS

I’m ready now.

LORELAI

Okay, then I’ll see you inside.

LORELAI

So, um, basically everything here is chicken. You’ve got garlic chicken, Kung Pao chicken, Szechuan Chicken, chicken in brown sauce, which looks and tastes remarkably like the Szechuan Chicken except it’s got these red peppers in it and if you eat them, you die. Plate?

JESS

I thought I’d, uh. . .

LORELAI

Oh, soap’s on the counter.

JESS

So when was the last time you had those gutters cleaned?

LORELAI

It’s been awhile.

JESS

Yeah, I found an ‘I like Ike’ bumper sticker up there.

LORELAI

Is it really bad?

JESS

Well, it won’t be by tomorrow.

LORELAI

I like hearing that.

JESS

So you guys aren’t too hot on vegetables, huh?

LORELAI

What are you talking about? There’s green pepper in the Kung Pao.

JESS

My mistake.

LORELAI

So, are you a healthy eater like Luke?

JESS

No. No one’s a healthy eater like Luke. Yule Gibbons wasn’t a healthy eater like Luke.

LORELAI

Wow, it’s been ages since I’ve heard a good Yule Gibbons reference.

JESS

Many parts of a pine tree are edible.

LORELAI

That’s right. God, I wonder what the research process was like to get that information.

JESS

I’d say fairly painful.

LORELAI

Huh. Here. So how’s school?

JESS

It’s still there.

LORELAI

You on any teams or anything?

JESS

No, no, no.

LORELAI

Not a jersey guy?

JESS

No, definitely not a jersey guy. Though the thought of throwing a ball at some jock’s head isn’t entirely unappealing. Look, I’m not really good at this small talk thing.

LORELAI

You’re doing okay. Cold egg roll?

JESS

Why not? [takes a bite]

LORELAI

Bad?

JESS

Oh yeah.

RORY

Mom!

LORELAI

Here – right here! What?

RORY

Mom!

LORELAI

What’s going on?

RORY

I don’t know where it is!

LORELAI

Where what is?

RORY

My bracelet – it’s gone.

LORELAI

What are you talking about?

RORY

How could I do this? How could I lose that bracelet?

LORELAI

Honey, tell me which bracelet – maybe I stole it from you.

RORY

Dean’s bracelet.

LORELAI

The one he made you?

RORY

Yes.

LORELAI

It’s gone?

RORY

Yes.

LORELAI

Where?

RORY

I don’t know where. If I knew where then I would have it.

LORELAI

Well, when did you first notice it was gone?

RORY

When he pointed out that I wasn’t wearing it.

LORELAI

Oh, not good. What did you say?

RORY

That I had a rash and that I had to take it off until it healed.

LORELAI

Nice save, Gretzky.

RORY

It’s not here, it’s not here. God.

LORELAI

Okay, let’s retrace your steps. When was the last time you remember wearing it?

RORY

Um, I don’t know.

LORELAI

Think hard – yesterday?

RORY

I don’t know.

LORELAI

The day before?

RORY

I don’t know.

LORELAI

The day before that?

RORY

Um, yeah.

LORELAI

Really?

RORY

No, I don’t remember. I can’t remember. Help me move the couch.

LORELAI

What about your locker at school?

RORY

I don’t know why it would be there, I never take it off at school. I never take it off at all.

LORELAI

Anything?

RORY

Just Grandma’s pen.

LORELAI

Leave it there.

RORY

Why?

LORELAI

It makes life fun

RORY

I’m gonna freak out now.

LORELAI

We’ll find it.

RORY

I’m gonna have to tell Dean that I lost his bracelet.

LORELAI

Let’s not even go there yet.

RORY

He made it for me.

LORELAI

He’ll make you another one.

RORY

But he’s gonna be mad.

LORELAI

He’ll understand.

RORY

How do you know?

LORELAI

I’m looking at the track record and all signs point to he’ll understand. Did you look in your room?

RORY

No.

LORELAI

All right, I’ll check the car. And don’t worry – if worse comes to worse and we can’t find it, we’ll follow Dean to work, hide behind the cantaloupes, jump him, blind him and he’ll never find out.

RORY

As long as we have a plan.

MICHEL

Who is Randy Mill?

LORELAI

Ugh, let me see. Maintenance.

MICHEL

Are you going to be down there long?

LORELAI

Uh, I just wanna to make sure Rory’s bracelet didn’t get kicked back behind something.

MICHEL

Hmm, and so earlier when you told me to look for the bracelet and I told you I did look and I did not find it, you...

LORELAI

Just decided to double check.

MICHEL

Yes, though another theory is that you did not believe me.

LORELAI

I did too.

MICHEL

No, I believe you thought I was lying. That I did not actually get down on my hands and knees in a brand new Donna Karan suit and crawl around on a floor where people who have stepped in mud and garbage and animal waste have been traipsing all day long.

LORELAI

It’s not there.

MICHEL

No? Why, I’m shocked.

LORELAI

Okay, I’m sorry I doubted you, Michel.

MICHEL

Well, that means a lot, thank you.

LORELAI

We turned the house upside down. Rory’s having a heart attack. It’s just awful.

MICHEL

Yes, well, as soon as my dry cleaning bill is paid for, you will have my sympathies.

LORELAI

I will pay for your suit, Michel.

MICHEL

Mm hmm.

MICHEL

Independence Inn, Michel speaking. Hold on please. [to Lorelai] It’s for you.

LORELAI

Lorelai here.

LUKE

I don’t want a wood-burning fireplace.

LORELAI

Luke?

LUKE

But if I take an apartment with a wood-burning fireplace, even though I could give a rat’s ass about a wood-burning fireplace, I have to pay an extra two hundred dollars a month for the wood-burning fireplace.

LORELAI

Yeah, but - .

LUKE

And three of the places make you put down a five hundred dollar deposit if you have a dog. Can you believe this?

LORELAI

You don’t have a dog.

LUKE

I know, but it’s wrong.

LORELAI

Agreed. What else?

LUKE

Parking.

LORELAI

Ah.

LUKE

How can people ask you for a monthly fee for a parking space? I mean, they’re making money off your rent, off your utilities, when you use their coin-operated washer and dryer – that’s cash directly in their pocket. And by the way, it’s not even that good a parking space. It’s out in the open under one of those trees that drops the sap on your car that eats away your paint.

LORELAI

Luke?

LUKE

Who’s gonna pay for my car, huh? Where’s my five hundred dollar, paint-killing tree sap deposit?

LORELAI

You haven’t found a place yet?

LUKE

And I’ve been looking all day.

LORELAI

There wasn’t one place you liked?

LUKE

No.

LORELAI

Not one place that gave you a little feeling of, ‘Huh, well that has a nice vibe about it.’

LUKE

I don’t use the word vibe.

LORELAI

Luke.

LUKE

Maybe one place wasn’t so bad.

LORELAI

Oh good, describe it to me.

LUKE

I don’t know. It had walls with a kind of a floor with a light.

LORELAI

Okay, hold on here, mister. If you tell me it’s got a roof, I’m stealing that baby out from under you.

LUKE

I just can’t tell anymore. I need a second opinion.

LORELAI

Do you want me to come look at your apartment?

LUKE

It’s not my apartment, and yes.

LORELAI

Done.

LUKE

Now.

LORELAI

What?

LUKE

Please?

LORELAI

Uh, well -.

LUKE

I promised the woman I’d give her an answer today.

LORELAI

Okay, give me the address.

LUKE

Sixty-two and a half B Street. And that’s another thing – what’s with this half business? Why do all these apartments have this half thing going? It’s stupid. If sixty-two is taken, move on to sixty-three.

LORELAI

Luke, I’ll meet you there in twenty and a half minutes.

LUKE

Thank you.

LORELAI

Bye. [hangs up] Michel, I have to go out for a little while. Cover the desk for me.

MICHEL

Mm hmm.

LORELAI

What?

MICHEL

Well, I mean, I'll say I'll cover the desk, but how will you know if I'm actually doing it?

LORELAI

I trust you, Michel.

MICHEL

I mean, it's just as possible I say I'll cover the desk, and the moment you've stepped away I'll put some fruit on my head and join a conga line somewhere.

LORELAI

I believe you looked for the bracelet.

MICHEL

And while I'm shaking it to the Miami Sound Machine, the phones here – they would ring and ring and ring, and no one to answer, no one to assist.

LORELAI

Okay, bye Mom.

MARY

It’s a very quiet street and the owner keeps the building up beautifully. He hasn’t remodeled it at all. Plus, I bet he could be persuaded to give the floor a little spruce if you like.

LORELAI

Oh yeah, we’d like a spruce.

LUKE

A spruce is unnecessary.

LORELAI

Hey, you never turn down a spruce.

MARY

She’s right – listen to her.

LORELAI

Yeah, listen to me.

LUKE

You rarely give me a choice.

LORELAI

Come here so I can lick your face.

LUKE

What?

MARY

Now, I went over the square footage and the details of the lease with your husband this morning. Did he fill you in?

LUKE

What? Oh no, we’re – .

LORELAI

No, no, he didn’t, but you know how men are. The minute that ball game comes on, all the realities of life just go right out the window.

MARY

Don’t I know it.

LORELAI

I mean, I could answer the door wrapped in cellophane but unless I was wearing a Yankees cap. . .ugh, he wouldn’t even notice.

LUKE

Geez.

LORELAI

Oh, don’t be embarrassed Snuffy, I’m just teasing. It’d be a Mets cap.

LUKE

Hey Mary, could you possibly leave me and little missus alone for just a minute?

MARY

Why, of course.

LORELAI

I promise we won’t do anything dirty.

MARY

Oh please, if my husband and I looked anything like the two of you, we’d never get dressed.

LORELAI

Oh, you are bad!

MARY

Let me just leave this rental agreement with you in case you decide to fill it out.

LUKE

Thanks.

MARY

Oh, I hope you take it. It’s got a great vibe for a nice couple like you two. [leaves]

LORELAI

Oh, thirteen different shades of red!

LUKE

What is wrong with you?

LORELAI

You make it too easy.

LUKE

By standing here?

LORELAI

Oh, relax Snuffy. Let’s talk. What do you think?

LUKE

She used the word vibe.

LORELAI

About the apartment.

LUKE

I don’t know.

LORELAI

Okay then, break it down. List your concerns.

LUKE

Well, it’s too big.

LORELAI

It’s not too big. Next.

LUKE

I don’t need two bathrooms.

LORELAI

Yes, you do. Next.

LUKE

I like being on the bottom floor.

LORELAI

The top floor’s quieter. Next.

LUKE

You know, somehow I think this would be easier if you just listed your concerns first.

LORELAI

Okay. Um. . .I don’t have any. I think it’s great.

LUKE

You do?

LORELAI

Yeah, it’s light and airy. It’s got good windows but not too many so that the sun bakes you in the afternoon.

LUKE

Thank you.

LORELAI

You’re close to work, the price seems good, you’re taking the spruce, and it’s a two-year lease. What’s two years?

LUKE

I don’t know. I - .

LORELAI

Luke, you need to do this. You and Jess will kill each other if you stay in that place of yours.

LUKE

Yeah, but who knows how long he’s gonna be here.

LORELAI

Why? Did something happen?

LUKE

No, but you never know.

LORELAI

No, you don’t, but I think his mom sending his stuff is a pretty good sign.

LUKE

And even if he does stay, it’ll be only for another year, and then he’ll go off to college or Attica or whatever, and it’ll just be me again.

LORELAI

Yeah, but - .

LUKE

And stuck with a new apartment, probably with neighbors I hate who are constantly cooking really strong smelling food.

LORELAI

Okay, back up here. Yes, Jess may go off somewhere someday, but that doesn’t mean you will be alone forever.

LUKE

I am not getting a pet.

LORELAI

I'm talking about a lady friend.

LUKE

Oh.

LORELAI

A red-hot mama.

LUKE

Okay.

LORELAI

A big, pretty dish of lovin' with a spoon made especially for you.

LUKE

Boy, do I not feel good now.

LORELAI

Luke, Rachel’s not the only woman in the world for you. You'll meet someone, someday -- probably at a Timberland store, you'll ask her out. You'll pick her up and take her on a patented Luke Danes night of romance -- juice bar followed by the batting cages -- and then you'll ask her back to your apartment.

LUKE

Any amount of money if you stop right now.

LORELAI

You’ll bring her back to your place, lead her upstairs to the apartment door. You pause, gaze into her eyes – the stage is set, fate is waiting. You open the door, and she sees your teeny, tiny apartment – one room and no closet space and Jess' feet sticking up in the air ‘cause you never did get rid of that body!

LUKE

Stop, please.

LORELAI

And to make matters worse, she spots it: the single bed.

LUKE

What's wrong with a single bed?

LORELAI

You know what they say.

LUKE

No, what do they say?

LORELAI

Never, ever date a guy who owns a single bed. It means he's not open to a commitment.

LUKE

What?

LORELAI

It says there's no room in this life for anybody but me.

LUKE

No, it says there's no room in this bed for anyone but me.

LORELAI

Okay, see, that's not a whole lot better.

LUKE

This discussion is now over.

LORELAI

Luke, as long as you’re in that apartment, you’re gonna have a single bed. Don’t you want the possibility of more? Come on Luke, it’s time. Make a move, take a shot, entertain the possibility of a non-unabomber existence. What do you say?

LUKE

You got a pen? I’m not taking the spruce.

LORELAI

Yes, you are.

LORELAI

Hey.

JESS

Hey.

LORELAI

Did you get lost?

JESS

No, I was looking at Rory’s books.

LORELAI

Uh huh.

JESS

I wanted to see if she had Franny and Zooey. She does.

LORELAI

Okay.

JESS

I was gonna get it for her if she didn’t.

LORELAI

That’s very nice of you.

JESS

Yeah. Okay, so I should probably get back to work.

LORELAI

Mm hmm.

TAYLOR

Luke, good good goody good good. I was just on my way over to the diner to talk to you.

LUKE

Great. Go on over, I’ll meet you there.

TAYLOR

Oh, stop it, this isn’t about anything that’s gonna make you mad. I just have a couple of questions about your application.

LUKE

What?

TAYLOR

Your application. Now I called your bank - .

LUKE

What application?

TAYLOR

Your application for the apartment. Now you have two accounts here -.

LUKE

How did you get my application?

TAYLOR

Well, Mary gave it to me, of course. Now I’m assuming that one of those accounts -.

LUKE

Why would Mary give you my application?

TAYLOR

Because I own the building.

LUKE

What? When the hell did you buy an apartment building?

TAYLOR

Well, I bought this particular one about two months ago.

LUKE

I look at a thousand apartments, I choose yours. How is that possible?

TAYLOR

Well, count yourself lucky, you. With me as the owner, there is a level of quality control that is sorely lacking in this town. For example, at all my properties, we measure the grass before, during, and after mowing to attain a perfect inch and a half height, which is both pleasing to the eye and good for the grass.

LUKE

All of your properties?

TAYLOR

Ten in all.

LUKE

Ten properties? What are you, buying up the town?

TAYLOR

Not yet, but someday – who knows?

LUKE

But why isn’t anyone stopping you?

TAYLOR

Because, my friend, people are lazy. They don’t wanna think about the proper fabric for an awning or the correct historical color for a building. They just slap any old thing up on a wall and sleep like babies. But soon, hopefully, the city council will put an end to that.

LUKE

Taylor, you cannot tell people what color to paint their buildings!

TAYLOR

Well, someone has to.

LUKE

No, they don’t. We don’t live in a fascist country.

TAYLOR

Oh, this isn’t about the fascists – who, by the way, had their faults but their parks were spotless.

LUKE

I have to get out of here. [leaves]

TAYLOR

Hey, eh, wait a minute.

TAYLOR

Luke, hold it! I still need to talk to you.

LUKE

Just tear up the application, Taylor. I’m not moving.

TAYLOR

What? Why?

LUKE

‘Cause I’m the two-inch grass kind of guy.

TAYLOR

Well, that’s too bad but I need to talk to you about something else.

LUKE

What?

TAYLOR

I’m thinking about purchasing the flower shop next to the diner, but we need to talk about that sign of yours.

LUKE

What about my sign?

TAYLOR

Well, you have a diner but you never took down the Williams’ Hardware sign.

LUKE

That was my father’s sign.

TAYLOR

I understand that you have a sentimental attachment to the sign, but it confuses the tourists.

LUKE

Back off the sign, Taylor.

TAYLOR

If I buy the building next to that sign, I run the risk of people being so busy trying to figure out if you sell hammers or burgers, that they never notice the nice collectible plate store right next door.

LUKE

Collectible plates?

TAYLOR

Isn’t that a great idea? Elvis, The Beatles, Mary Poppins, all the greats. You can hang ‘em on the wall or you buy a little stand and set ‘em up on the coffee table.

LUKE

Okay, you need to get away from me now. At least a good arm swinging length away.

TAYLOR

It’s people like you who keep this town from becoming one of great towns in America, Luke.

LUKE

Arm swinging length!

TAYLOR

I wouldn’t have approved your application anyway.

JESS

You look good.

RORY

I’m fine.

JESS

Talk.

RORY

I lost my bracelet.

JESS

Uh huh.

RORY

Dean gave it to me.

JESS

How thoughtful.

RORY

I’ve been all over town looking for it. I’ve been to Lane’s, I’ve been to Luke’s, I’ve been to the bus stop, I’ve been to Miss Patty’s, and I’ve circled Stars Hollow twice and nothing. I have no idea what I’m going to do.

JESS

It’s really that big a deal?

RORY

What do you mean?

JESS

I mean, I know it’s got an ‘I’ve been pinned’ Bye, Bye, Birdie kind of implication to it, but it was just a bracelet.

RORY

I don’t think Dean will see it that way.

JESS

You didn’t lose it on purpose.

RORY

I know, but things have been a little weird between us lately and. . .you couldn’t care less.

JESS

Oh, yes, I could.

RORY

I just think Dean will read something into this.

JESS

Should he?

RORY

No.

JESS

I think you should keep looking.

RORY

Where?

JESS

Anywhere. Things you lose are usually right in front of your face. Check the house again.

RORY

I’ve checked the house.

JESS

It’s probably just laying in your room somewhere.

RORY

No, I tore that room apart, it’s not there.

JESS

Fine, give up then. No biggie. Dean’ll just have to get over it.

RORY

I’ll go look again.

JESS

You do that.

LORELAI

Hey, where have you been?

RORY

Scouring the town.

LORELAI

Nothing, huh?

RORY

Not yet. I’m gonna check my room again. [goes into room]

LORELAI

Haven’t you already looked in there like a thousand times.

RORY

[from bedroom] A thousand and one. Mom, come here, hurry!

LORELAI

Rory?

RORY

Mom!

LORELAI

Are you okay?

RORY

I found it!

LORELAI

What?

RORY

I looked under the bed and there it was. I thought I had already looked under the bed, but I don’t know, maybe I was too panicked or. . .I don’t know, who cares, I got it!

LORELAI

Aw, that is amazing!

RORY

Put it on.

LORELAI

Hmm.

RORY

Make it tight.

LORELAI

Oh, I’m cutting off circulation here, baby.

RORY

Oh, look at it. It looks even better than before, doesn’t it?

LORELAI

I think the time away from home did it some good.

RORY

Okay, when I get back, we celebrate.

LORELAI

Where are you going?

RORY

To tell Lane she can stop praying.

LORELAI

You leaving?

JESS

Yeah, all done.

LORELAI

You weren’t gonna come get your money?

JESS

Ah, I figured I’d get it eventually. It’s not like I don’t know where you guys live.

LORELAI

That’s true. You certainly do know where we live. Well here. After all, you earned it.

JESS

Thanks.

LORELAI

You took it, didn’t you?

JESS

Excuse me.

LORELAI

Rory’s bracelet – you had it the whole time.

JESS

No idea what you’re talking about.

LORELAI

How’d you get it?

JESS

I didn’t get anything.

LORELAI

What, did you break into our house, you got all dressed in black and pulled a Mission: Impossible?

JESS

Actually, I came down the chimney and pulled a Santa Claus.

LORELAI

Very funny.

JESS

Thought a ridiculous accusation deserved a ridiculous response.

LORELAI

So it’s just a great big ol’ coincidence that I catch you coming out of Rory’s room a half an hour before she mysteriously finds the bracelet under her bed?

JESS

Guess so.

LORELAI

Why would you do this?

JESS

I gotta go.

LORELAI

I mean, I know you hate the world, but I thought you liked Rory.

JESS

I didn’t do anything.

LORELAI

Bull.

JESS

Whatever.

LORELAI

Oh, don’t whatever me, you little jerk. You let Rory run around completely panicked, thinking she lost her boyfriend’s bracelet. She was miserable, do you understand that?

JESS

I didn’t take it.

LORELAI

I’m sure you’re jealous of Dean because he’s great and Rory’s madly in love with him, but you taking the bracelet didn’t hurt Dean, it hurt Rory. That bracelet is the most precious thing she owns. She never takes it off. It means everything to her. And you stealing it was unbelievably cruel.

JESS

The most precious thing she owns?

LORELAI

Yes.

JESS

If it’s the most precious thing she owns, why did it take her two weeks to figure out it was gone, huh? You might wanna reevaluate how madly in love she is. I wouldn’t start calling him son yet.

LORELAI

Get outta here.

JESS

You read my mind.

LUKE

I just spent a hundred thousand dollars and it’s all your fault!

LORELAI

Oh, good.

LUKE

I ran into Taylor at the market, and I found out he owns the building that apartment was in.

LORELAI

No way.

LUKE

That and several others all over town.

LORELAI

That is so weird.

LUKE

He’s systematically buying up the town. He’s gonna turn it into Taylorville where everyone’ll wear cardigans and have the same grass height.

LORELAI

Luke, do you wanna sit down?

LUKE

And then he told me he’s gonna buy the building next to the diner, turn it into a plate shop for freaks who don’t have enough brain power to collect stamps. I lost it.

LORELAI

Uh, I can’t picture that.

LUKE

I walked around in a blind rage. I was crazy. I bought one of those Belgian waffles with the ice cream dipped in chocolate.

LORELAI

You ate that?

LUKE

No, I didn’t eat it!

LORELAI

Of course not.

LUKE

I’m upset, not suicidal.

LORELAI

Right.

LUKE

I knew I just had to do something, and I had your voice going round and round in my head.

LORELAI

Yeah, it’s kinda like the Small World song.

LUKE

Take a chance, Luke. Make a move, Luke. Can’t have a single bed, Luke. So I bought the building!

LORELAI

You – you what?

LUKE

I went to the bank and got a cashier’s check, signed the papers and I bought the building.

LORELAI

Wow

LUKE

I am the building’s owner.

LORELAI

I heard.

LUKE

I own the building.

LORELAI

Okay, well, don’t worry, maybe you can still get out of it. You can go back and tell them you lost your mind.

LUKE

Okay.

LORELAI

Or I bet you can sell it to Taylor.

LUKE

Yeah.

LORELAI

So, relax, you can still get out of this.

LUKE

Okay.

LORELAI

Unless you don’t wanna get out of it.

LUKE

Oh no, I wanna get out of this. Uh, why would I not wanna get out of this?

LORELAI

Oh, well, owning that building gives you some options.

LUKE

Like?

LORELAI

Uh, like you could expand Luke’s if you wanted to.

LUKE

Yah.

LORELAI

Or you could rent it to someone else.

LUKE

Yah.

LORELAI

Someone else who might drive Taylor crazy.

LUKE

Maybe I should think about this.

LORELAI

Sure, sleep on it.

LUKE

Sleep on it, right, right.

LORELAI

You want some tea?

LUKE

Tea’s good, sure.

LORELAI

Hey Luke, um, does Jess ever talk to you about Rory?

LUKE

Uh, what do you mean?

LORELAI

I don’t know. They just. . .they seem to be thrown together quite a lot lately and I was just trying to figure out if that’s a coincidence or - .

LUKE

Or if there’s something going on.

LORELAI

Yeah.

LUKE

I don’t know.

LORELAI

Huh.

LUKE

Jess doesn’t exactly confide in me.

LORELAI

Right.

LUKE

Of course, if there was something going on, I think that’d be really great.

LORELAI

You do?

LUKE

Yeah. Rory’s a great kid, she’d be really good for Jess.

LORELAI

Oh, yeah, she would.

LUKE

You really think there might be something going on?

LORELAI

I don’t know

LUKE

Boy, that would be great.

LORELAI

Yeah, great.

LUKE

That’s your room. Finish up. We’ll hold hands and skip afterwards.