T2E16: “There’s the Rub”

LUKE

Here you go. Geez, uh, sorry folks. Uh, here. . .there we go. Free coffee all around. You might wanna put your hand over that. There we go. [walks over to construction worker] Tom, what the hell is going on up there?

TOM

We’re redoing your apartment. What do you think is going on up there?

LUKE

The ceiling’s falling in. I’ve got customers eating drywall here.

TOM

Oh, well, that can’t be good.

LUKE

You said minimal disruptions.

TOM

Hey, this is minimal disruptions. Look, I need you to sign this change order.

LUKE

What happened now?

TOM

Well, we broke through this wall and we found some pipes that shouldn’t be there. We gotta move ‘em.

LUKE

Move ‘em where?

TOM

Not sure. We gotta find out what they do first.

LUKE

You’re kidding?

TOM

Oh yeah. There’s nothing I like more than a good ‘moving a pipe’ joke.

LUKE

Fine, one more week, that’s it.

TOM

Oh, sure, construction ultimatum. Ha, that’s even funnier than my moving pipe joke.

LORELAI

Hey.

LUKE

Hey.

LORELAI

Geez, look at this place.

RORY

It’s a mess.

LORELAI

How long – .

LUKE

Nope – can’t sit here.

LORELAI

Why not?

LUKE

Three people got nailed in the head here earlier.

LORELAI

But their food was okay, right?

LUKE

Will you just move? [Lorelai’s cell phone rings] Outside.

LORELAI

You know, if I sit here one more second, I just might be outside. Order me some coffee.

LUKE

Oh, you are really funny. You and Tom should put an act together. I’d leave it open.

LORELAI

Go ahead Mom, I can hear you now.

EMILY

I wanted to know if you’d like a gift certificate for a weekend at the Birch Grove Spa.

LORELAI

Are you serious?

EMILY

I bid on it at the DAR Symphony Fundraiser and I won.

LORELAI

Birch Grove? That’s supposed to be an amazing place, why don’t you go?

EMILY

Oh, I’ve never had any real desire to go to a spa.

LORELAI

Why’d you bid on it then?

EMILY

It was for charity, I had to bid on something. And I certainly didn’t want another portrait of George Washington. I’ve got four in the attic already.

LORELAI

Well, I’d love it.

EMILY

Good.

LORELAI

Two days of total mind-numbing pampering. Massages, facials, aromatherapy.

EMILY

My goodness, you make it sound like heaven.

LORELAI

It’s as close as you’ll ever come to being a dog.

EMILY

I beg your pardon?

LORELAI

You know, a whole life of nothing but eating, sleeping, lying on your back and getting rubbed.

EMILY

I’d love the comparison to stop there.

LORELAI

Deal. Um, hey, when’s it for?

EMILY

This weekend, actually.

LORELAI

Oh, well, I’ll be there.

EMILY

So will I.

LORELAI

Excuse me?

EMILY

Well, the certificate is for two, and since you make it sound like the most wonderful place in the world, I might as well try it with you.

LORELAI

Oh, but - .

EMILY

That’s all right, isn’t it, if I join you? You don’t mind?

LORELAI

No, I don’t mind at all.

EMILY

Wonderful. I’ll pick you up tomorrow morning. You know, I’m actually looking forward to this.

LORELAI

Oh yeah, me too. Thanks Mom. Buh bye.

LORELAI

I’m going to a spa with my mother.

RORY

Lean forward.

LORELAI

[on phone] So, then we’re all confirmed. Uh, great. Thanks so much for your help. Okay, bye. [hangs up] Yeeessss!

RORY

That was an evil yes.

LORELAI

Not an evil yes. It’s a ‘yes, I’m pretty, but hello, I’m smart’ kind of a yes.

RORY

Oh, my mistake.

LORELAI

So here’s the deal – I go into my facial just as my mother is finishing her salt glow, which will end ten minutes after I’ve hit my scalp treatment which puts me in the watsu massage pool at least six minutes into her back facial. Uh, in fact, the day is so well planned, I won’t see her until dinner which will be cut tragically short by the food poisoning I plan to contract.

RORY

You are twelve and disgusting.

LORELAI

I am trapped and desperate.

RORY

You really think you can avoid Grandma the entire weekend?

LORELAI

Hey, I’m nothing if not a great organizer. Now, let's talk about what you're gonna do tonight. Throwing a party, I hope? Inviting hundreds of bikers and lowlifes who are gonna trash the place?

RORY

I am going to do laundry, watch TV, order Indian food and go to bed early.

LORELAI

And then come the bikers and lowlifes who are gonna trash the place?

RORY

I may even fall asleep on the couch with the TV on.

LORELAI

When do the bikers and lowlifes get to trash the place?

RORY

You're all packed.

LORELAI

Rory, you have to do something bad when Mommy’s out of town. It's the law. You're seen Risky Business, right? Now I'm not asking for a prostitution ring, but how about a floating craps game or something?

RORY

I'll see what I can do.

LORELAI

I would greatly appreciate it.

RORY

I think Grandma’s here.

LORELAI

What’s she honking for? She hates honking. She calls it a mechanical bodily function. [looks out window] Ugh, geez.

RORY

[looks out window] Oh, cool!

EMILY

Hello, hello, hello!

LORELAI

What, are we going to the prom?

EMILY

I just thought since this weekend is all about relaxing, we should start with the ride.

RORY

This is cool, Grandma.

EMILY

Thank you, Rory. So, are we all ready to go?

LORELAI

I guess so, Miss Daisy. Bye sweets.

RORY

Bye. Bye Grandma.

EMILY

Goodbye Rory.

RORY

Have a good time.

LORELAI

Bikers and lowlifes.

RORY

I’ll get right on it.

TEACHER

In general, the lab reports weren’t bad – but they weren’t great either, which leads me to question whether everyone has the grasp of electrochemistry I prefer before we move on. To that end, I will be giving another test on Tuesday covering chapters fourteen through eighteen in your textbooks, as well as the material from lab. Now please proceed with the assignment we all started yesterday, as that too will be included on the test.

PARIS

Madeline?

MADELINE

What?

PARIS

What are you guys doing tonight?

MADELINE

It’s Friday night.

PARIS

So you’ve got dates?

MADELINE

Well, yeah, why?

PARIS

I was kind of hoping you could study with me.

MADELINE

On a Friday night?

PARIS

Yes.

MADELINE

But we’ve got dates.

LOUISE

What is she saying?

MADELINE

She wants us to study with her.

LOUISE

On a Friday night?

MADELINE

Yeah.

LOUISE

But we’ve got dates.

PARIS

I know you have dates, I was hoping maybe you’d cancel them.

MADELINE

To study?

PARIS

Yes.

MADELINE

On a Friday night?

LOUISE

What’d she say?

MADELINE

She wants us to cancel our dates to study.

LOUISE

On a Friday night?

MADELINE

That’s what she said.

LOUISE

But we have - .

PARIS

Oh my God, forget it! [walks over to Rory] So, I suppose that you have big Friday night plans also?

RORY

Well, kind of.

PARIS

So the fact that I’m seeing my entire Harvard career slip away apparently is of no interest to anyone?

RORY

What are you talking about?

PARIS

I got an A-minus, okay?

RORY

So?

PARIS

What do you mean, so? I got an A-minus. I have never gotten an A-minus. I just can’t focus lately. Things are so weird at my house. My dad finally figured out exactly how much it was gonna cost him to divorce my mom, so now he’s back and it’s bad enough that I wasted all that time crunching the numbers with him, but now that he’s back, they’re fighting and redecorating. The place is a mess. I need help.

RORY

Look, I can’t tonight, but if you’re still freaked out after the quiz on Tuesday, I will spend everyday next week helping you prepare for the final, okay?

PARIS

I guess.

RORY

Relax. It will be fine, I promise.

PARIS

All I had to do was move a decimal point and none of this would’ve happened.

EMILY

Oh, look at this place. It’s lovely. And that smell – what is that, eucalyptus?

LORELAI

I don’t know.

EMILY

Well, it’s lovely. Oh Lorelai, come over here, look. They have cucumber slices in the water.

LORELAI

Oh wow! Now if they have ranch dressing in the soap dispensers, this place is great.

EMILY

You know what? I love it here.

LORELAI

Hm. Careful Mom, that’s how they get you in the Moonies.

EMILY

I feel more relaxed already. Mm, that’s the most delicious water I’ve ever had. Have a sip.

LORELAI

Let’s just check in, shall we?

EMILY

Okay. [they walk to the front desk] Hello, I’m Emily Gilmore. This is my daughter, Lorelai.

BOBBY

Ah, yes, welcome to Birch Grove. My name is Bobby. I have everything all set for you. Do you have luggage?

LORELAI

Yes, it’s in the Luca Brasi mobile out front.

BOBBY

Okay, well, we can take care of that for you. Here are your room keys and a copy of all of your spa activities. You ladies are booked solid, I see.

EMILY

Well, we intend to leave here completely different people.

LORELAI

Yes, I’m going to be Ted Nugent.

BOBBY

Anyhow, your rooms are right down this hall. Fruit and yogurt is served by the pool in the mornings, and your lunch and dinner seatings are on that itinerary. Any questions?

LORELAI

Yes, where can one get a cup of coffee around here?

BOBBY

Ah, we don’t serve anything with caffeine here.

LORELAI

And you think that’s safe?

EMILY

Thank you, Bobby. We’re sure we’re going to have a wonderful time.

LORELAI

Mom, there’s no coffee.

EMILY

It won’t kill you to go two days without coffee, Lorelai.

LORELAI

No, I think it will.

EMILY

Lorelai, just focus on all the pampering we’re going to have. Look at all the wonderful things we have to look forward to.

LORELAI

Oh no.

EMILY

What?

LORELAI

Oh, um, I’ll be right back. They screwed up our appointments.

EMILY

Again?

LORELAI

What do you mean, again?

EMILY

Well, on the way to your house I called to confirm our schedule and found out they had us booked separately for every single one of our treatments. Luckily, I insisted on speaking to a manager and was able to straighten everything out. Yes, those are right.

LORELAI

They are?

EMILY

I even had them move the pedicure tubs together in the same room so we can talk during it.

LORELAI

Okay, I’m really gonna need a cup of coffee.

EMILY

Have some cucumber water.

LORELAI

No, see, that’s not gonna do it because it’s – .

EMILY

Drink, Lorelai.

LORELAI

– cucumber water. Yuck.

RORY

Wow, your lung capacity certainly has improved.

DEAN

Well, I’ve been playing a lot more basketball lately.

RORY

Yet another reason to continue the fight to keep physical education in schools.

DEAN

So, tonight.

RORY

Yes?

DEAN

I was thinking.

RORY

Yes?

DEAN

Since your mother’s gonna be gone.

RORY

Mm hmm.

DEAN

Maybe I’d come over.

RORY

Oh.

DEAN

What?

RORY

Actually, I was thinking of pulling kind of a hermit thing tonight.

DEAN

Why?

RORY

I don’t know. J.D. Salinger seems to dig it.

DEAN

You don’t want me to come over?

RORY

No, I just. . .I almost never get the house all to myself and I thought with my mom gone, I can finally do my laundry exactly the way I like it. You know, not just separated into whites and colors, but the colors separated into darks, mediums, and lights, with a separate pile for white T-shirts and T-shirts with some kind of writing on them, like, you know, Rock Star, Evil, or Kafka was here.

DEAN

You wanna be alone to do laundry?

RORY

And watch TV and eat the Indian food that I love but my mom hates the smell of and go to bed early and. . .are you mad?

DEAN

Why would I be mad? You wanna spend tonight alone.

RORY

But hey, tomorrow, the whole day is all about you. I mean it, from morning ‘til night. You plan it, or I’ll plan it, or we can get a professional to plan it, whatever you want. Just don’t be mad.

DEAN

I’m not. I’m not mad.

RORY

Good.

DEAN

I’m confused, but I’m not mad.

RORY

Fine

DEAN

I’m a saint, but I’m not mad.

RORY

Thank you.

DEAN

You’re welcome.

RORY

So, deep breath and. . .

EMILY

How do I look?

LORELAI

Like a landlady. What is this?

EMILY

I got adjoining rooms so we don’t have to go out in the hallway to get to each other.

LORELAI

Great thinking!

EMILY

God, this robe is fabulous. How do they get it so soft?

LORELAI

Well, I think having about forty other people wear it first is part of the secret.

EMILY

Oh, stop it. So are you all ready for our skin rejuvenating and revitalizing collagen facial and eye treatment?

LORELAI

Almost.

EMILY

It has vitamin C and plant extracts in it, which is the hottest thing in skin care these days. And the eye treatment is supposed to reduce puffiness and minimize the appearance of fine lines.

LORELAI

Okay, no more brochures for you. All right, I’m ready, let’s go.

EMILY

Aren’t you gonna wear your robe?

LORELAI

What?

EMILY

Your robe, you’re supposed to wear your robe.

LORELAI

Oh, well, I’m sure they’ll give me one when I get there.

EMILY

But these robes are wonderful.

LORELAI

Mom.

EMILY

They help you relax.

LORELAI

We’re late, Mom.

EMILY

They’re wonderful, relaxing robes.

LORELAI

Oh my God.

EMILY

And yet, you stand there like it’s some badge of honor not to put on your robe like everyone else in this place. [Lorelai goes into the bathroom to change] This isn’t for me, you know, it’s for you. I already have on my robe. I’m already relaxed. What are you doing?

LORELAI

[from bathroom] You’re kidding me, right?

EMILY

Well, hurry up, we’re gonna be late.

LORELAI

[opens bathroom door] Happy?

EMILY

Apparently you didn’t see the matching slippers.

FACIALIST

So, how are we doing?

LORELAI

So good.

FACIALIST

Okay. Well, I’m gonna leave you to sit for a few minutes, so just relax and enjoy, and I’ll be right back.

LORELAI

Thanks.

EMILY

Are your feet sweating?

LORELAI

Mom?

EMILY

Those booties make my feet sweat. Don’t they make your feet sweat?

LORELAI

What are you doing in my room?

EMILY

Magda left me sitting for twenty minutes. Fine time to take a coffee break.

LORELAI

She’s not taking a coffee break. Your skin is supposed to be absorbing the moisture in your mask – in your room.

EMILY

Let’s see what’s next on our agenda, shall we? Stop moving Lorelai, you’ll electrocute yourself. Ooh, the Egyptian mud bath. I wonder if the mud bath is one of those things you see in brochures where they wrap you in towels like you’re in a cocoon of some sort. That might be nice. Especially if their towels are as good as their robes because I just love these robes. I wonder where they get these robes. Shouldn’t be so hard to find the manufacturer. I could order a few of them. One for me, one for you and one for Rory.

EMILY

I still can’t get over it, it really was mud. I mean, I know it said mud bath but I didn’t really think they meant a real mud bath. And the odd thing is I should’ve been more repulsed by it. Sitting in a tub of hot dirt, which is basically what mud is, should’ve made me ill, and yet I really enjoyed it. Did yours have twigs? Mine had twigs, and when I asked the woman about them, she told me they were there because of the healing qualities. . .

EMILY

What are you doing? Lorelai, stop it! You’re pushing me!

MASSEUR

How’s the pressure – too much?

LORELAI

Yup.

MASSEUR

Sorry, I’ll go lighter.

EMILY

Your hands are amazing. Compliment your masseur’s hands, Lorelai.

LORELAI

Oh my God.

EMILY

Excuse me?

LORELAI

Nothing.

EMILY

You were muttering under your breath. Years of experience have taught me that when you do that, it’s usually about me.

LORELAI

Mom, you signed us up for a couple's massage.

EMILY

So?

LORELAI

A couple's massage is for a couple – not a couple of people.

EMILY

It's more efficient this way. We'll both be finished at the same time.

LORELAI

Mom, do you know what most people who get these massages do about five minutes after it's over? They have sex, together, probably while wearing their robes.

EMILY

Could the two of you excuse us for a moment please? Thank you. [the masseurs leave] Well, that was appalling!

LORELAI

Well, that was true!

EMILY

You're just determined to spoil this, aren't you, Lorelai?

LORELAI

Why, because I want a quiet, private massage?

EMILY

You've been pouting and sulking and sighing.

LORELAI

Oh, I have not been sighing.

EMILY

Rolling your eyes, mumbling.

LORELAI

Well, that's how I detox.

EMILY

Ever since we got here, you've made it your mission to be as miserable as possible.

LORELAI

That's not true.

EMILY

It's completely true. And if you don't care that you're hurting my feelings, maybe you care that you're wasting all your relaxing time acting like a petulant four-year-old.

LORELAI

Well, I'm sorry.

EMILY

Do you want me to try to get myself another room?

LORELAI

No.

EMILY

I saw a supply closet down the hall. Maybe my masseur could finish me in there.

LORELAI

Okay, Mom.

EMILY

Or perhaps I could just roll myself against a stucco wall, eliminate the need for a masseur altogether.

LORELAI

Lie down Mom, please.

EMILY

If you say so. Lorelai?

LORELAI

Yes, Mom?

EMILY

Would you go get the boys, please?

RORY

No, that’s two orders of garlic gnon, three simosas, and a chicken vindiloo. And rice, and the green sauce, and no salad, and. . . oh wait, sorry. Can you hold on a sec? [answers the call waiting] Hello?

LORELAI

Hi, this is Phil’s Liquor. I’m supposed to be delivering a keg there tonight.

RORY

Hold on. [switches to other call] Hi, sorry. Yeah, that’s it. Forty minutes, great. Bye. [switches back] Hey.

LORELAI

Who was that?

RORY

Sandeep’s.

LORELAI

Oh, you’re ordering the Indian food?

RORY

Yup.

LORELAI

Good, enjoy. Can you burn the house down afterward, ‘cause that’s the only way we’ll get the smell out.

RORY

Absolutely. How’s the spa?

LORELAI

Tranquil.

RORY

Really?

LORELAI

I wasn’t done. Tranquilizers, uh, will be required if I have to spend one more minute with my mother.

RORY

Please tell me you’re at least trying to get along with her?

LORELAI

Oh, hey, I’m being a peach.

RORY

Really?

LORELAI

Well, I smell like a peach. Was that the doorbell?

RORY

Yeah, I’ll call you later.

LORELAI

Oh wait, I wanna find out who it is.

RORY

The sooner you get back to your weekend, the sooner it’ll be over.

LORELAI

Okay, but before you go, can you get out my address book and count how many friends I have? I’ll wait.

RORY

Bye.

LORELAI

Mean!

RORY

Steal me soap! [hangs up the phone, then opens the front door] Paris. What -.

PARIS

I tried to stay home and study myself but I can't. I don't know what anything means anymore. I mean, I can't even read my own handwriting. What does this say? The person who wrote this should be dressed in a clown suit stuffing bodies under their porch. You're in your pajamas.

RORY

I know.

PARIS

This was the big night you had planned – a rendezvous with Mr. Peanut?

RORY

Well...

PARIS

You're doing laundry.

RORY

Yes.

PARIS

You're doing laundry in your pajamas.

RORY

My mom is out of town and I never get the house all to myself.

PARIS

You mean you never get to go months on end without seeing your parents, just getting an occasional postcard that doesn’t even have a courtesy "Wish you were here" written on it? That does suck. Don't let me stand in your way.

RORY

Paris, wait.

PARIS

No, forget it, I don't want to get in the way of your big night. I hear there's gonna be some hot knitting going on later.

RORY

Fine, I'll study with you.

PARIS

You will?

RORY

For one hour, that’s it. We can do a quick review and a pop quiz and then you are going home. Deal?

PARIS

Deal.

RORY

Okay, so, go sit on the couch. I’ll be out in the minute.

PARIS

Where are you going?

RORY

I’m going to go change.

PARIS

Okay, but my hour doesn’t start until you get back out here, right?

EMILY

Are you ready?

LORELAI

Wow, you look great, Mom.

EMILY

Are you being sarcastic?

LORELAI

No, I’m being completely serious.

EMILY

Oh, well, thank you. That’s a pretty color. What is that?

LORELAI

It’s called Vicious Trollop.

EMILY

Oh, stop it! Now why would you name a lipstick something like that?

LORELAI

‘Cause ‘dirty whore’ was taken?

EMILY

You frighten me.

LORELAI

You wanna try some?

EMILY

No, thank you.

LORELAI

Go on, Mom, try it.

EMILY

It won’t look good on me.

LORELAI

Sure it will.

EMILY

Well, all right, but if I look ridiculous. . .

LORELAI

I’ll be the first one to point it out. You’re a vicious trollop, you’re a vicious trollop.

EMILY

Lorelai.

LORELAI

Sorry.

EMILY

Well?

LORELAI

I like it.

EMILY

You do? I like it too.

LORELAI

Good, let’s go then, I’m starving.

EMILY

Oh, me too. What are they serving for dinner tonight?

LORELAI

Well, let’s see. [looks at menu] Hmm.

EMILY

They certainly do like their tofu here, don’t they?

LORELAI

And the word steamed. Well, they have dessert at least. Cookies sweetened with sprouted mungbean.

EMILY

That sounds dreadful.

LORELAI

Yes, it does.

EMILY

Where are you going? You aren’t going to change, are you? Our seating’s in ten minutes.

LORELAI

Get your coat.

EMILY

I don’t need a coat to go to the dining room.

LORELAI

We’re not going to the dining room.

EMILY

Well, where are we going?

LORELAI

Out.

EMILY

Out where?

LORELAI

We’re gonna leave the spa, find a restaurant, and have a steak.

EMILY

A steak?

LORELAI

Who’s gonna stop us?

EMILY

A steak.

LORELAI

Come on, Mom. What’s it gonna be – vicious trollop or the wide world of mungbeans?

EMILY

Let’s go.

LORELAI

I’m right behind you.

RORY

So, given that those are the reactions occurring in the two half-cells, what do you do next?

PARIS

Well, if we add them together, doubling the coefficients of the silver half equation but not the voltage, we get the equation for the complete reaction.

RORY

Well, you’re in much better shape than you wanna think you are.

PARIS

Impossible. [doorbell rings; Rory walks toward the door] Where are you going?

RORY

That’s my food.

PARIS

Another half hour, please!

RORY

No, you got your hour. You need to go.

PARIS

But – .

RORY

Go!

PARIS

Fine.

JESS

Delivery.

RORY

What are you doing here?

JESS

Well, Luke figured since you’re along tonight that maybe you wouldn’t have any food in the house, so he sent over a care package.

RORY

I don’t need a care package. I ordered food from Sandeep’s.

JESS

Really? Planning on burning down the house afterwards?

RORY

Jess.

JESS

The only way to kill the smell. Where should I put this? [walks into house]

RORY

Well. . .

JESS

Kitchen?

RORY

Um. . .sure.

RORY

God, how much food is in there? This could feed twelve.

JESS

Excuse me, I’ve seen you eat.

RORY

Fine, six.

JESS

Yeah, well, he wanted you taken care of. He wasn’t sure how long your mom was gonna be gone for.

RORY

Just tonight.

JESS

Oh, he didn’t know that.

RORY

Well, now you can tell him.

JESS

I will.

RORY

So how come Caesar didn’t bring this over?

JESS

I volunteered.

RORY

Why?

JESS

Just wanted to get out of the construction zone. There’s nothing but banging and yelling. That place gives me a headache.

RORY

Oh.

JESS

Why – did you think I wanted to come over here and see you?

RORY

No.

JESS

Just needed some quiet.

RORY

Fine.

JESS

That is all.

RORY

Got it.

JESS

Clear my head.

RORY

I understand.

JESS

So, aren’t you gonna eat?

RORY

Eventually.

JESS

It gets cold fast.

RORY

I can heat it up.

JESS

Reheated French fries really suck.

RORY

Hm, they do suck.

JESS

Yeah, so, eat.

RORY

Okay, I will. You’re still standing there.

JESS

I know. You didn’t give me a tip.

RORY

You want money?

JESS

No, I’ll take a fry though.

RORY

Okay, yeah, have as much as you want.

JESS

Okay, great. [takes off jacket]

RORY

What are you doing?

JESS

Getting ready to eat.

RORY

You’re staying?

JESS

Didn’t you just invite me?

RORY

No, I -.

JESS

No, you told me to have all I wanted. That sounded invitation-like.

RORY

You wanna stay here and eat?

JESS

Beats being at Luke’s.

RORY

But – .

PARIS

[walks in from living room] I can’t find my flashcards.

JESS

I didn’t know you had company.

RORY

This is Paris. We were just studying.

JESS

Huh.

PARIS

Don’t worry, I was just leaving. If you find my flashcards, call me, okay?

RORY

No.

PARIS

What?

RORY

Stay for dinner.

PARIS

But I thought. . .

RORY

We have a ton of food, and we can go over the notes more later.

PARIS

You’re sure?

RORY

Positive.

PARIS

Is that mac and cheese?

RORY

It sure is.

PARIS

I love mac and cheese.

RORY

Great.

PARIS

I’m not allowed to have mac and cheese.

RORY

Splurge. Come on Paris, stay.

PARIS

Do you have a twenty-four hour pharmacy just in case I have an allergic reaction to something?

RORY

Believe it or not, we do.

PARIS

Okay, can I borrow your phone?

RORY

It’s by the door.

JESS

Interesting.

RORY

What is?

JESS

You think we need a chaperone?

RORY

No, I don’t.

JESS

You just invited one.

RORY

I’m just being polite. Paris is alone tonight and you yourself just said we have enough food for six.

JESS

With me around, it’s down to four.

RORY

With Paris around, it’s down to two.

JESS

Works out well.

RORY

I think so.

PARIS

[on phone] Hola, es Paris. Voy a comer la cena de cas de Rory. Hay mucho mac and cheese!

EMILY

My goodness, look at this place.

LORELAI

I bet there’s no cucumber slices in the water here. [to hostess] Hi there, party of two.

HOSTESS

Okay. Uh, well, I can take your name, but I probably won’t have a table for about an hour.

LORELAI

An hour!

EMILY

I can’t wait an hour.

LORELAI

Me either.

EMILY

I’ll pass out.

LORELAI

Go first, you can break my fall.

EMILY

Can we bribe you?

HOSTESS

Sorry.

LORELAI

Please? She’s loaded.

EMILY

Lorelai!

HOSTESS

You know, a couple of stools just opened up at the bar, and we do serve our entire menu there.

LORELAI

That is a great idea. Thanks. Come on.

EMILY

We cannot eat dinner at a bar.

LORELAI

I don’t wanna wait an hour, and I’m wearing the wrong shoes for a drive thru.

EMILY

But what are people going to think?

LORELAI

That we’re loose women with questionable morals.

EMILY

Doesn’t seem right to eat dinner when your feet aren’t touching the floor.

BARTENDER

What can I get you ladies?

LORELAI

Hi Steve, nice to meet you. We will have two. . .martinis?

EMILY

Why not?

LORELAI

Two vodka martinis, straight up with a twist, very dry, very cold, and a couple of menus, please.

EMILY

And some peanuts.

LORELAI

Ah, peanuts, good idea.

BARTENDER

Here you go, I’ll get your drinks.

LORELAI

Thank you. You’re a good man, Steve. Okay, I’m thinking steak and Caesar salad if it’s not too anchovy-y, and hey – do you wanna split a shrimp cocktail to start?

EMILY

That sounds fine.

LORELAI

Ah, I just love the idea of shrimp cocktail with a steak dinner, you know? It’s so Casino, Big Joe, steak and shrimp – hey, save some for winter, there.

EMILY

I never realized how wonderful peanuts were before.

BARTENDER

Want a refill?

EMILY

Oh, yes, please.

LORELAI

Cheers, Mom.

EMILY

Cheers. I must tell you, I never expected this.

LORELAI

What?

EMILY

Me inhaling peanuts at a singles bar.

LORELAI

This isn’t a singles bar, Mom. It’s a sixty-forty bar.

EMILY

A what?

LORELAI

Sixty-year-old men hitting on forty-year-old women, divorcees mostly.

EMILY

Really?

LORELAI

Look around.

EMILY

Hm. Oh, now, she can do better than that. What does she see in him?

LORELAI

Big will, short life span, the usual draw. Hey Mom.

EMILY

I wonder if they have pretzels, too.

LORELAI

Don’t look now, but I think you’re passing for a forty-year-old woman.

EMILY

What?

LORELAI

Two o’clock, silver fox, totally checking you out.

EMILY

Oh, he is not.

LORELAI

Well, he’s not staring at Steve.

EMILY

You’re being ridiculous. He’s definitely not looking at me.

LORELAI

He’s still looking.

EMILY

Drink your martini, Lorelai.

PARIS

A tragic waste of paper.

JESS

I can’t believe you just said that.

PARIS

Well, it’s true, the Beat’s writing was completely self-indulgent. I have one word for Jack Kerouac – edit.

JESS

It was not self-indulgent. The Beats believed in shocking people, stirring things up.

PARIS

They believed in drugs, booze, and petty crime.

RORY

Well, then you can say that they exposed you to a world you wouldn’t have otherwise known. Isn’t that what great writing’s all about?

PARIS

That was not great writing. That was the National Enquirer of the fifties.

JESS

You’re cracked.

PARIS

Typical guy response. Worship Kerouac and Bukowski, God forbid you’d pick up anything by Jane Austen.

JESS

Hey, I’ve read Jane Austen.

PARIS

You have?

JESS

Yeah, and I think she would’ve liked Bukowski.

PARIS

What are you doing?

JESS

Salt and pepper dip. Only way to eat a fry.

PARIS

Really?

RORY

It’s fast food gospel.

PARIS

Mm. That’s good. That’s really, really good.

JESS

You like hot sauce?

PARIS

I don’t know. Should I?

JESS

I think it’s wise.

RORY

[answers phone] Hello?

DEAN

Hey.

RORY

Oh, hey. Where are you?

DEAN

On my way to see you – if that’s okay?

RORY

Oh, well -

DEAN

I know you wanna be alone, so I’ll only stay a minute. I just wanna say hi.

RORY

We just said hi.

DEAN

Well, I wanna say hi a little closer.

RORY

But, I’m a mess, really. It’s not pretty. You won’t recognize me.

DEAN

Well, then put a name tag on ‘cause I miss you.

RORY

I miss you too, but –

DEAN

But what?

RORY

But. . .Paris is here.

DEAN

Why?

RORY

She freaked out about a grade and she wanted to go over some notes, and you know Paris – she will not be denied.

DEAN

Okay, then I’m not really ruining your alone night, someone else did that.

RORY

Yes, but –

DEAN

I’ll see you in a sec. [hangs up]

JESS

I can’t get into poetry. It’s kind of like, geez, just say it already, we’re dying here.

RORY

Wow, you know, I just noticed the time, and it’s getting really late.

JESS

It’s seven o’clock.

RORY

I know, but Paris and I still have a lot more studying to do. Jess, please thank Luke for me. It was really nice of him.

JESS

Who was on the phone?

RORY

No one.

JESS

No one wouldn’t happen to be heading over here now, would he?

RORY

Jess.

PARIS

What’s going on?

RORY

Nothing.

JESS

Dean’s on his way over and Rory doesn’t want him to find me here.

RORY

Why?

JESS

Yeah, why?

RORY

You know why.

JESS

We’re just eating dinner.

RORY

Jess, I’m asking you as a friend, just please leave now.

JESS

You really want me to go?

RORY

I really wanna avoid a fight with Dean.

JESS

Okay, I’m going.

RORY

Thank you.

JESS

Ow!

RORY

What?

JESS

Ooh! I just twisted my ankle. I better go lie down.

RORY

Jess!

JESS

God, you’re no fun when you’re tense. Are you sure you want me to go? ‘Cause maybe this whole thing can be solved between me and Dean if we just sat down and had a little heart to heart. He can tell me his issues, I’ll tell him mine.

RORY

Jess!

JESS

I promise I’ll speak slowly.

RORY

Bye! [pushes him out the front door]

JESS

Okay, well, give him my best, would ya? [sees Dean in the front yard] Actually, I guess I could do that myself.

RORY

Dean, Jess just came by to bring me some food.

JESS

From Luke’s.

RORY

He wanted to make sure I ate.

JESS

Luke did.

RORY

Right, Luke did.

JESS

Personally, I could care less if she eats.

RORY

Yeah, true, he could care less.

JESS

I see you brought a little something, too. Is that ice cream? That’s so nice. A tiny little ice cream package just big enough for two. Hey, are you guys gonna feed each other ‘cause that’s just so darn cute. Oops. You’re doing that towering over me thing. Huh. I tell you, you’ve really got that down. It helps that you’re twelve feet tall, but this Frankenstein scowl really adds to the whole – .

RORY

Jess.

JESS

Okay, I’m going. Look, man, I really was just dropping off some food, so don’t get all West Side Story on me, okay? [leaves]

RORY

So, do you wanna. . . [Dean walks into the house] . . .come in?

DEAN

What the hell is going on?

PARIS

Hi.

RORY

Dean, you remember Paris, right?

DEAN

Yeah, hi. So Jess just dropped this off, huh?

RORY

Oh, well. . .

DEAN

Now I know you eat fast, but this is a lot of food to put away that quickly, even on your best day.

RORY

Okay, so he didn’t just drop it off but - .

DEAN

You told me you were doing laundry tonight.

RORY

I was.

DEAN

And now you are here with Jess.

RORY

And Paris!

DEAN

Jess, Rory!

RORY

Ah, well, I swear, I didn’t –

DEAN

You didn’t what? You didn’t know he was coming over?

RORY

I didn’t.

DEAN

And you also didn’t know he was gonna stay, right?

RORY

It just happened.

DEAN

How does that just happen?

RORY

Well, he was. . .and the diner, the diner was. . .and I. . .

DEAN

And you what? What? Say something!

RORY

Stop yelling!

DEAN

You totally lied to me!

RORY

I didn’t!

DEAN

Turn the situation around, Rory! How’s it looking?

RORY

It’s looking complicated and I’m trying to explain it to you.

DEAN

Ugh, that’s crap.

PARIS

It’s my fault.

DEAN

What?

PARIS

It’s my fault that Jess was here. I saw him in the diner the day I came to Stars Hollow and I thought he was cute and since I’m not great at the whole ‘batting the eyelashes, look at my belly shirt’ kind of thing, I asked Rory to help me. I thought if she could maybe get him over here, we’d have a chance to talk and. . .I don’t know, it seems totally stupid now and it obviously didn’t work – shock, but that’s why he was here. Thanks for trying to cover for me.

RORY

That’s okay.

PARIS

Anyway, I should get going. I’m probably gonna break out in some sort of rash any second now. [leaves kitchen]

DEAN

So Paris likes Jess?

RORY

Yeah.

DEAN

Rory, is this true?

RORY

Yes it is.

DEAN

Paris and Jess?

RORY

I know. There’s no explaining attraction. Dean, listen to me, if I was going to have anyone over tonight, it definitely would’ve been you.

DEAN

Okay.

RORY

Really?

DEAN

Well, if you say so, then I have to believe it, don’t I?

RORY

Yes.

DEAN

Well, okay then. I’m sorry that I yelled.

RORY

Completely justified under the circumstances.

DEAN

I’m gonna get going.

RORY

No, wait, don’t you wanna stay for ice cream? We could hang out.

DEAN

Nah, I’m just gonna go.

RORY

I’m still seeing you tomorrow, right?

DEAN

Yeah, sure.

RORY

Hey.

DEAN

See you tomorrow. [leaves]

RORY

What was that?

PARIS

What?

RORY

That, the story, the save? You helped me. Why would you do that?

PARIS

I don’t know, it just came out.

RORY

You have no idea what you did.

PARIS

It was no big deal.

RORY

No, it was a very big deal. It was a huge deal.

PARIS

Well, you helped me tonight when you didn’t want to, so I owed you.

RORY

Thank you.

PARIS

You’re welcome. Okay, well, I’ll let you get back to your alone night.

RORY

You should stay.

PARIS

Stay?

RORY

Yeah. We could hang out, maybe watch some TV. You can even spend the night if you don’t wanna drive all the way back to Hartford.

PARIS

Spend the night, like a slumber party?

RORY

Sort of.

PARIS

You’re just doing this because I lied to Dean for you, right?

RORY

I’m doing this because it’s what you do with friends.

PARIS

We’re friends?

RORY

I’m not sure if there is an exact definition for what we are, but I do think it falls somewhere in the bizarro friends-ish realm. Come on, stay.

PARIS

Okay. But if you’re doing all this so you can freeze my bra, I’ll kill you.

RORY

Duly noted.

EMILY

This is either the greatest steak I’ve ever eaten, or I’m so hungry, I’m delirious. Pass the horseradish, please.

LORELAI

I never knew you were a spicy girl.

EMILY

Oh, believe me, I can handle my heat. One summer when we were first married, your father and I stayed at this little village in Thailand where we spent two weeks eating viciously hot chilies and skinny-dipping.

LORELAI

Ah, Mom!

EMILY

Well, you certainly couldn’t put your clothes on after eating those things.

LORELAI

Stop it! I like to think of parents the old fashioned way – separate bedrooms.

FEMALE SINGER

And now it’s time for my favorite part of the evening – our salute to the Chairman of the Board.

MALE SINGER

I sure hope that’s not b-o-r-e-d.

LORELAI

Uh, uh, Mom?

EMILY

Yes?

LORELAI

Remember the man who wasn’t staring at you?

EMILY

He wasn’t staring at me.

LORELAI

Okay, well, he’s coming over.

EMILY

What?

CHAD

Excuse me, I hope I’m not interrupting, but I couldn’t help but notice that you two are having more fun than anyone at the bar.

LORELAI

Well, that’s true, we are.

CHAD

Well, good, I’ve come to the right place. Hi, I’m Chad.

LORELAI

Hi Chad. I’m Lorelai. This is my mother, Emily.

CHAD

Your mother?

LORELAI

Chad, if the next words out of your mouth are, ‘you can’t possibly be old enough to be her mother,’ I’m gonna have to cause you severe physical pain.

CHAD

Emily, do you share this rather extreme opinion?

EMILY

I think I’ll stay out of it.

CHAD

In that case, let me just say that I think you look more like sisters than mother and daughter. Yeah, I went for a variation.

LORELAI

I’ll let it slide this time.

CHAD

So, are you two, uh, local or just visiting?

LORELAI

Visiting. Mom’s from Hartford and I’m from a town, uh –

CHAD

Hartford? Great town, great town. A little of the old, little of the new. You like living there?

EMILY

Well, yes, I do.

LORELAI

And how about you, Chad – where do you live?

CHAD

Here – and by here, I mean this very bar stool.

LORELAI

Wow, admitting right off the bat that you spend your life at a bar. Do you find that people are impressed by that?

CHAD

Until now.

EMILY

Oh, I love this song.

CHAD

It’s a great song for dancing.

EMILY

Yes, it is.

CHAD

Help me out here, will ya?

LORELAI

I think he’s asking you to dance, Mom.

EMILY

What? Oh, no, I, uh, I couldn’t.

CHAD

Rumor has it you love this song.

EMILY

Oh, well, yes, but I don’t dance.

CHAD

Oh, come on. I can’t believe that.

EMILY

And I shouldn’t leave my daughter alone.

LORELAI

That’s okay. The sitter’ll be here any minute.

EMILY

Really, I’m serious, you should ask someone else.

CHAD

Is it my dancing? Because you two could work out some kind of ‘save me’ signal in case I really embarrass you.

LORELAI

Go ahead, Mom. It’ll be fun.

CHAD

Come on, the song’s almost over. You’ll hardly have to spend any time at all with me.

EMILY

All right.

BARTENDER

Hey, your mom looks good out there.

LORELAI

Yup, she sure does.

EMILY

I’m sorry, I have to go.

LORELAI

Mom, what’s wrong?

EMILY

We’re leaving.

LORELAI

What happened?

EMILY

I shouldn’t have been doing this.

LORELAI

Doing what?

EMILY

Fraternizing with other men.

LORELAI

Oh, what are you talking about?

EMILY

I practically cheated on your father.

LORELAI

You did not cheat on Dad.

EMILY

I danced with another man.

LORELAI

You’ve danced with other men before.

EMILY

Not like that, not without your father present.

LORELAI

Oh, Mom, it was just a dance. You were having fun.

EMILY

I need to get out of here. How hard is it to find a coat?

LORELAI

Mom, you didn’t do anything wrong.

EMILY

I don’t know why I let you take me to this chop house in the first place. I don’t go to chop houses. What were you thinking?

LORELAI

Need food now.

EMILY

And I certainly don’t eat at bars. Hookers eat at bars.

LORELAI

Only if they can’t get a table.

EMILY

You’re not funny. You knew this whole evening made me uncomfortable and yet you kept pushing.

LORELAI

I was trying to do everything right. You manipulated me into taking this trip and still I came. You told me I was acting like a teenager, so I tried to be nicer. You said you needed to eat, so I made that happen.

EMILY

Yes, by sitting me at a bar where you practically forced me to engage in inappropriate behavior.

LORELAI

What?

EMILY

You let me get sixty-fortied!

LORELAI

You are crazy! Do you know that? We were having dinner, Mom, a nice dinner. We were talking. Hell, we were having fun.

EMILY

Oh, so watching your mother make an ass of herself was fun for you?

LORELAI

God, you know, you don’t have any right to complain about this relationship if you’re not willing to let your guard down once in awhile and just be normal.

EMILY

There’s a way for a mother to behave in front of her daughter. I’m sorry if you don’t like it, but that’s how it is.

LORELAI

Come in.

EMILY

I called the bellman to get the bags. He said it would be around ten minutes.

LORELAI

Okay.

EMILY

Thank you for agreeing to leave early.

LORELAI

No problem.

EMILY

I guess this whole thing was a silly idea anyway. I don’t know why I pushed it. We can’t even get through a dinner without a fight. What was I thinking putting us together for a weekend?

LORELAI

It was a nice thought, Mom.

EMILY

Yes, well, I guess it’s the thought that counts, isn’t it?

LORELAI

You know, if you want, um, I can just bring our bags down. I mean, they’re not that heavy, and then we don’t have to wait.

EMILY

Well, that sounds fine. Why can’t we have what you and Rory have?

LORELAI

Rory and I are different mom.

EMILY

We’re mother and daughter, you’re mother and daughter. It shouldn’t be that different.

LORELAI

It’s completely different. It couldn’t be more different.

EMILY

But why?

LORELAI

I grew up in a different environment.

EMILY

You mean an oppressive environment.

LORELAI

No, Mom, I mean a different environment. And plus, I was so young when I had Rory.

EMILY

So because I waited until I was grown and married, I can’t have a relationship with my daughter?

LORELAI

No.

EMILY

Well, then, why?

LORELAI

Rory and I are best friends, Mom. We are best friends first and mother and daughter second, and you and I are mother and daughter always.

EMILY

I wasn’t taught to be best friends with my daughter.

LORELAI

I know.

EMILY

I was taught to be a role model for my daughter.

LORELAI

I know that, too.

EMILY

I did what I thought was right. I did what I thought I had to do to protect you, and because of this we have no relationship.

LORELAI

Oh, Mom, we have a relationship.

EMILY

We do? What? What is our relationship?

LORELAI

Well, we. . .

EMILY

Exactly.

LORELAI

Maybe an intense weekend together was not the best idea for us. Maybe we need to start with something simpler.

EMILY

Like what, a brisk walk around the block?

LORELAI

No, I hate exercise.

EMILY

Oh, well, as long as you find this amusing.

LORELAI

Mom, come on. There has to be something else. Something small.

EMILY

Like what? Where are you going? Lorelai, you just don’t walk out on a person. That’s rude. That’s a robe.

LORELAI

Yes, this is my robe. And I want you to go into your room and get your robe. And then, exactly at the same time, we are gonna shove these robes in our suitcases and we are gonna walk out that door and leave with them.

EMILY

That’s stealing.

LORELAI

Yes, it is.

EMILY

You want me to steal a robe? That’s how we’re going to bond?

LORELAI

Mom, you love this robe. You’ve talked about nothing else except this robe since we got here, so this robe will be symbolic of our trip together.

EMILY

But that’s crazy. As soon as they check the rooms, they’re going to know the robes are gone and then they’re going to charge our credit card.

LORELAI

Well, how do you know?

EMILY

Because that’s what the little tag on the hanger says.

LORELAI

Well, the little tag on the hanger could be right, or the little tag on the hanger could just be there trying to scare us away from trying. Either way, whether we get away with it or not, it’s something we did, you and I.

EMILY

You’re serious.

LORELAI

I am folding this robe up.

EMILY

Lorelai.

LORELAI

I am putting this robe in my bag.

EMILY

That’s lunacy.

LORELAI

I am zipping up the bag that contains the robe.

EMILY

I have a perfectly good robe at home.

LORELAI

Now the only question is, am I doing it alone?

EMILY

Did you ever steal a robe with Rory?

LORELAI

No, Rory would never steal. She’s far too moral for that. You, however, vicious trollop – what’s it gonna be?

EMILY

I should have my head examined.

LORELAI

We’ll make an appointment when we get back.

EMILY

You do know, in the course of one night, you’ve turned me into an adulterer and a thief.

LORELAI

I’ll have you working at the chicken ranch by the end of the month.

EMILY

I cannot believe I’m doing this.

RORY

You actually got Grandma to steal a bathrobe?

LORELAI

Although I did catch her trying to return it while I was getting the car.

RORY

Still.

LORELAI

I know, life with my mother, one step forward, five thousand steps back. It’s kinda like the spastic polka.

KIRK

Excuse me, are you done?

LORELAI

No, uh, sorry, not yet.

KIRK

So, you’re gonna eat that half a piece of bacon that’s been sitting there for ten minutes?

LORELAI

Kirk.

KIRK

I mean, of course, you must be if you’re saying you’re not done because that’s the only thing left in front on you, unless you eat plates.

LORELAI

Go away.

KIRK

You are hogging the table.

LORELAI

You keep it up, I’m ordering seconds.

KIRK

Fine.

LORELAI

So, Paris looked a little green this morning.

RORY

Yeah, she had a sugar/carb hangover of monumental proportions.

LORELAI

People don’t realize it, but it takes years of training to be able to eat the way we do.

RORY

Don’t I know it.

LORELAI

So, what’s on the agenda for today?

RORY

Let’s see. Dean, Dean, and uh. . .oh, did I mention Dean?

LORELAI

Wow, he must’ve been crazy mad last night.

RORY

I’d say that was a fair assessment.

LORELAI

Okay, I gotta get to the inn.

RORY

Okay. Well, I’m probably gonna have dinner with Dean, so. . .

LORELAI

I’ll have the house to myself tonight. Life’s funny, isn’t it?

RORY

I simply cannot stop laughing. I’ll get the check.

LORELAI

Thanks hon.

RORY

[walks to the counter] Hey Luke.

LUKE

What, you find a nail in your food? I swear to God, Tom, you are dead! You hear me? Dead!

RORY

There’s nothing wrong with the food, Luke.

LUKE

Oh, sorry Tom.

RORY

I just wanted to thank you.

LUKE

Yeah, for what?

RORY

For the care package. It was really sweet of you.

LUKE

What care package?

JESS

Hey Luke, I think they hit the water line again.

LUKE

Oh, what? [walks away] Tom, you are dead! You hear me? Dead!

RORY

Huh, interesting.

JESS

Hey, you wanna pay?

RORY

I don’t think Luke knew anything about the food last night.

JESS

That’ll be twelve-fifty.

RORY

Which means you lied about why you came over.

JESS

I don’t have any quarters. I’m gonna have to give you nickels.

RORY

Now why would you lie about something like that?

JESS

Here’s your change. Come again soon.

RORY

You wanted to come over.

JESS

I have to get back to work.

RORY

You’re squirming. I’ve never seen you squirm. It’s entertaining.

JESS

Oh yeah?

RORY

Yeah.

LORELAI

Dean, hey.

DEAN

Hey.

LORELAI

Rory’s just inside paying. She’s coming out to meet you after.

DEAN

Yeah, we’re gonna spend the day together.

LORELAI

That’s great.

DEAN

Yeah, it is.

LORELAI

So, listen, Rory told me everything that happened last night. She feels just terrible about it.

DEAN

I know.

LORELAI

Good, you should. It’s just one of those freaky unfortunate things that happens.

DEAN

Freaky and unfortunate, yeah.

LORELAI

She had nothing to do with Jess coming over. Believe me, she did not want him there.

DEAN

That’s what she told me. And Rory wouldn’t lie, right?

LORELAI

No, Rory wouldn’t lie.